Coercive Control: The Impacts on Children - Episode 8

[@glenothedowns5508]

This should be taught in schools. Absolutely great video. Victims, don't wait, ask for help. Social workers, friends, family.

[@keelyevans7692]

Amen

[@theresechauvin5216]

The Canadian court system needs to become aware too. Thanks for this validating episode.

[@ste6826]

Very important topic but I very strongly agree with the one sided emphasis on the father being the coercive one and creates as unnecessary myth which can be very damaging, it would be much better to say “the other parent”.

[@harmonyvaneaton4101]

Research shows very consistently that 95% of coercive controllers are heterosexual males. 5% are heterosexual females.

[@alexanderroc3359]

A coercive controlling mother is even more damaging to the children than a cc father as she is the primary caregiver. Coercive control is one part of the behavioural repertoire of pathological narcissists. Their domineering and aggressive acts are designed to isolate, weaken, and enslave their victims into obedient and willing participants in their own abuse. The primary controller also trains one child to be their chosen golden child and continue their controlling agenda.

[@kaystephens2672]

I overheard my lovely adopted mother call me her slave to her brother. She was 84 years old. Shameful excuse for a human being, these little scamp are. They never change.

[@robbrewer2036]

You understand the problem ,shame courts and law enforcement Have no clue.

[@bronwentownsend5601]

I don't know about that. Mine was coercively controlled by father and his ex wife. I had care 95% of the time yet I'm alienated and my kids are extremely messed up. Introduction of mobile phs has done a lot of damage. To think I bought her one to help her keep contact with him

[@robbrewer2036]

You understand this well,shame you don't work in the field.wev got daughter in law absolutely uawful.

[@lunamoondrop]

it was so damaging for me, and i had no understanding of what was going on. it wasn't until my thirties until i truly understood what had happened back then. (36 now) they're still the same way, but i am at least aware of it.

[@dianeleeder3438]

Thank you for your brilliant content. I have five adult children. Two of them sadly collude with my ex husband and have a very poor relationship with me, which I hope will improve in the future. Those two daughters almost worship him, but my research on trauma bonding helps me to make some sense of it.

[@keelyevans7692]

Please tell my lawyer, please tell the court, please explain to CYFD - a decade they are still planing to keep doing this to me, please help

[@Mrskess]

How to prove Coercive control In family court? Especially when Social services have their own narrative?

[@keelyevans7692]

Yes!

[@keelyevans7692]

Best guess (I am not a lawyer! This is just my guess!) Bring each piece in that went wrong and each that shows the opposite as best you can, character witnesses, and video capturing it, therapists notes, and doctor's visits where treatment if physical damages occured especially in addition. It is set up very badly in this way, I am in tears about it too it sets the kid up against the parent for eternity and teaches children to control and manipulate by threat too. It also removes hope for real help to be found. It is awful because we aren't allowed to speak on it either :-( so we have to take it with our mouths shut so the real problems never get fixed... This is bad too because they are all paid to divide families and trained to manipulate everything against you. It can't stay like this. Everyone says pray/chant for it so there is that, and videos and chatting then it steals your whole life. Not playing with the kids, being abused by the system.

[@PedroAnastazi]

record everything, save everything, say nothing untoward, do nothing untoward. Its easy to antagonise an abuser and not even know youre doing it. In Addition, gov agencies often enable and perpetuate and often perpetrate abusive behaviour in the name of protecting a so called victim. Record EVERYTHING... grab a voice recorder, record all calls, continue attempts at communicating with your kids, even when youre being obstructed. Dont involve your kids in your emo.... in time the abusers behaviour will call them out... if not now, then in the future when the kids realise how psychotic your ex really is... problem is, more often than not, abused kids are isolated and are never given opportunity to be exposed to other parents or family structures, so there is no comparison for them to refer to... Their entire life is what they perceive either good or bad... what they percieve is controlled and manipulated by the narcissistic parent. Dont engage with a narc and if you engage with a gov agency, stand your ground and prove your word, coz judges HATE this bullshit political propaganda that pits people against each other and complicates already difficult situations... good luck...

[@keelyevans7692]

@@PedroAnastazi yes that is what I was doing to the best of my ability however it caused the framing of me because I had my mouth glued shut while they ran their abusive messaging and then stole the evidence and ignored the already-existing court order saying I had custody and protection from this abuse continuing to gaslight me

[@PedroAnastazi]

@@keelyevans7692 if orders already exist, then you need to get in touch with federal police (coz this goes through Fed Fam Circiut here in aus) to have a recovery order made. As for the details for the situation, I cant say much im afraid, but in the past recording the abuse was a big no no and always discouraged. In fact it was frowned upon, especially if u were a man, so what those men used to do is call police to intervene, which at a later time, was inevitably used against them as "police were called to the home" ... and the automatic assumption being that it was because the man had done something wrong, when in fact it was HE calling the police to assist with managing HER behaviour. Worse is that when said man would call the cops to help, he would be told to man up or take it on the chin, or worse, be told to that he should leave the manic mother and the children and go find a hotel to stay in for the night. This then leaves the children unattended with an emotionally unregulated supervisor. Rest assured, if the roles were reversed, he'd be dragged out in cuffs and have an AVO thrown in his face... They (lawyers and gov agents) often dont tell the court the entire story, so context is king...As for not having a voice, rest assured, youre not alone. Videos like this do noting to empower REAL victims, regardless of gender, and the reality that abusers DO use the label of victim with some very creative story telling, despite obvious contradictions, continues to allow these abuses to behave in such a deplorable manner. Videos lilke this empower and enable pathological parenting and alienation, and all the abuser needs to do is pretend to be a victim.... These perpetrators believe theyre only acting against the other parent, but in reality, theyre acting against their own childrens best interests. There are channels, avenues, options and processes available for pretty much anything and everything. There is no excuse to seperate children from either parent or extended family, unless the other parent has compromised or harmed the child. But even then, that harm needs to be assessed appropriately coz a 5minute time out in the corner (as an example) is easily relabeled as isolation and psychological abuse. All i can suggest is that you get a decent lawyer and keep hanging on. There are literally millions of kids stuck in the middle, who are emotionally neglected, isolated from family, coerced and lied to, recieve NO help becuase on the outset upon assessment, it LOOKS as though they have a secure attachment to the abusive parent , so it doesnt look like abuse or coersion as those observing only see a kid who loves their parent, but in fact, what theyre seeing is an insecure attachment to an abuser as the child clings on to the abuser for dear life as a means to emotionally regulate THEMSELVES. This is Schema level self preservation stuff here.. and theres alot more to it obviously, but these poor kids stuck in the middle of this insanity have had half their lives torn away from them just because the other parent is unregulated and remains untreated for their OWN attachment trauma issues, among other things such as basic ego bruising. Its disgusting and everyone who plays a part on your childrens wellbeing, regardless of outcome or entity involvement, needs to be held accountable.

[@bronwentownsend5601]

In my case I had the ex and the new wife doing this. New wife was actually worse then him. She even convinced my daughter that I abused her. This woman still to this day poisons my now adult daughter's mind with lies about me and they have been broken up for a few years now. This started when my child was six. These two also pitted my family to support their narrative and Pitt against me. My daughter was surrounded with so called supportive adults pitting her against me.

[@lunamoondrop]

sounds like narcissism.

[@bronwentownsend5601]

​@@lunamoondrop coercively controlling via manipulation is commonly carried out by narcissists.

[@Janisg616]

It is parental alienation, but not by other parent, but third person.

[@bronwentownsend5601]

@@Janisg616 it was by other parent as well as third person. He was and still is telling his own fair share of lies to my children. She was worse and the one my oldest is trauma bonded too but he is the one that allowed her too, backed up her lies as well as his own contribution of lies. It was a team effort. He isn't getting off free as though he's innocent. No, it is parental alienation by OP as well as third party

[@karendalsadik7119]

That’s B.S. about the mother if have SA issues she is the one who uses coercive control. I was in recovery when I had her. When I had a relapse 14 years after being sexually assaulted and no real support. Your describing my mom and she did not have a SA issue. This is contributing to be contributing to more stigma.

[@jesled9559]

What can I do

[@Janisg616]

Domestic violence has no gender(or has both genders as abusers and victims). Maybe in 50-ties men where able to coercively control unemployed wives without any consequences, but not now. If a husband complains that he is abused by his wife, he gets laughed at and told that highly unlikely that he might be abused by his wife(according to statistics it is more likely that women get abused by men, therefore in case of doubt, let's assume that it is always the case). In western countries, mothers have more tools to coercively control father (police, courts, social workers). If any wife calls police or writes a complaint, husband gets thrown out of his house, perhaps put in jail, based on false accusations by his wife. If there is divorce with children involved, husband looses everything and wife gets everything. Men have never been abused so much by mothers of their children as much as now, especially in divorce court when children and unemployed full-time mom is involved. Half of marriages end in divorce, and fathers are abused big time.

[@robbrewer2036]

Men are in real no win.

[@ElizabethScanes]

❤

[@KrystelSpicerMindArkLateralThi]

Help⛓️Could somebody please mention the Australian woman's Summit? I'm told women's voices will be heard, but I've not seen one update about it since Anna first mentioned it. Had I missed that one news segment, I doubt i'd know there was an upcoming woman's Summit yet. I guarantee you there are women who missed that segment. I feel like I've been swept (& am being kept) under the carpet. Not exaggerating. Here's the scoop. Single mother's are toldd we weigh on the economy. We are the same women Howard paid to have to have children when we'd been a spouses. Don't you all mean that females who'd been spouses in 2013 weigh on the economy? When Australia says "single mothers" without detail as to who we are, it chances people will think you're all talking about a bunch of us who wouldn't keep their legs shut 8 years ago. At least please say "single mothers (most of which had been spouses when they'd had their children which they'd planned responsibly) are weighing on the economy". ..Why wouldn't you be planning to talking about our being disrespected? News set their own stories up before reporting on them don't they. There's probably already articles written for next year's women's Summit & problems to be induced to go with those. How can anyone respect us when reporters & politicians (not wanting trouble with reporters) keep lying about us by omission? Not telling us that perhaps some of us are doing what we wouldn't, for we do not know we don't have to. Don't say it we all have free choice. That is not true. No matter which way women turn (given the options we've been given), we will be shamed. She should not be shamed if she decides to have 3-5 supportive partners and she should be told it is acceptable that she do this if she prefers the new 3rd multi defacto option. Somebody do the math please. Omg, 😔 It feels like I've arrived home, just as you've left, & I've had to work out for myself that you left me with all of the laundry. 😭. You want to teach people respect by first inciting disrespect? is that right? Is that fun? (Help). Do you all enjoy looking like you're doing something so long as no one suspects you're not? Help. Honest. I'm starting to think you think we're entertaining. We are not the ones who are the drama makers. You all are. Stick your head out the window & ask men on the street if they think the women who'll be talking at the summit are possibly drama makers. Have a look at the comments on Anastasia's Woman's Summit post. Have research Dept try prove me wrong. Stop conveniencing from inferiority. for crying out loud . Tsk. howard paid us per child, so, where is he now it's time to defend us? And then I hear scomo's telling us all to have children again. So we weigh on the economy, cannot run a family business in inner-city Sydney even if we have a partner,& then we're told single fathers are worth twice what single mothers are, yet no one will tell our men they should not expect us to meet them halfway. I see 3-5 supportive men, & I realised you cannot tell this woman she weighs on the economy or that I can't run a family business in inner-city Sydney if I'd like to. These problems you want to chat about at the Woman's Summit, well, look closely at them because they are not "problems" but rather "canaries in the mine." How much money is going towards the summit, that might otherwise get single mothers & their children out of those cheap & terrible districts? They're going to hell aren't they, unable to leave these places. Howard paid her to have three kids. And now she's envisioned as a street toughy. No wonder her husband talks about doesn't want her back. Women have been deprived of their tools for life because Messy Couples Issues prevent anybody saying no one should call a woman who sees 3-5 men & cares about them a hor. (Have you ever thought that a person has a greater capacity to be cruel who tends to want a person in their possession? End the war between sexes & just tell us we aren't forbidden to be semi - girlfriends to 3-5. I'll tell you once to have only two men feels like teaching and is not good for the soul. With 3-5 men, each one of us look like we're on fire. We lead lovely & fulfilling lives. Because you won't brooch this, insisting amongst yourselves that the more men we see (up to 5) who care about us the more likely we're going to be bashed. Rather it is the opposite. No one touches a hair on my head. Men as spouses, you are very very (devastatingly) boring. It's not natural we should be with only you. You knew we wanted for your happiness, & you said you wouldn't feel like a real man if you couldn't have a woman of your own. (You lied.). We get used to you being boring, quietly suffer emotional neglect like frogs in hot pots, so that when you easily won't speak to us when we feel we want to leave, we realise we don't know what you're thinking not to think we were to blame for our incompatibility, & so, we don't leave you thinking we are unwantable, & sure enough, when we do leave, we're bored to death again, made to feel unwantable again, & we find it hard to turn down people thinking that if they don't love us, how hard it would be to find somebody who would. Maybe you don't do it on purpose. maybe you do it genetically, but I'll tell you what, Australian men who are singular spouses to our woman are pointing at them saying "my priorities lie with her" whenever we broach those single mother's living in poverty. He knows though that the average marriage is only ~9 years, & it's neither here nor there whether his wife be next to be called single mother, weight, burdon, good for nothing, drama causing ..fragments of people. What men really want is what the next man has. Whatever it is. You're having a woman of your own doesn't make you feel more of a man by my perspective. Couples remind me of a mushroom & a gnome in a nice doggy bag that will never be opened. They are both hollow in ways neither equip the other to see, (for neither are with anybody else to see a problem with one by the wobble in the others). Then, tsk, because you keep saying two heads are better than one, (not 2, because still no-one seems to want to do the math), someone drops the doggy bag, & every time, people just back away from the smoosh & keep treating you with kid gloves to try to prevent you from stinking up our day to day. Messy couples issues are keeping us all half dead. Not to mention to us all any other way to live then to have one partner or none is coersive abuse. You know it is. If we are not subject to the law unless we break the law, then why on earth are we all continually, year after year, Summit after Summit subject to be with one or none unless married? We are being lied to by omission, & being turned blind eyes on as though being reserved for the next Summit, &, because every man thinks he's entitled to a woman of his very own. When I started seeing 3 to 5 men, only then did I realise that when with 1 man, I had woken every morning feeling like I was looking down the barrel of a gun. I don't write about women's issues. I write about issues affecting humanity, & please believe me when I tell you, we are all looking down the barrel of that gun. Somebody help please. I have written about this to almost every to every Australian parliamentarian, but no one wants to Talk about anything anyone else wants to talk about. They already have what they think in mind & there's nothing shifting them & so there's nothing shifting us. Do you realise we're in trouble, or do I just sound like some man hating feminist or something to you? This doesn't look like it took a lot of work & heart to write? I have never had such trusting relationships. Don't you dare associate what happens to women who are spouses with women seeing 3-5 men. The latter aren't being assaulted. It's spouses, & working girls who see strangers who are at risk of violence. I am treated brand new every time I see one of my men. Would you believe you each have your own special mating dance. No spouse has ever treated me so well. know, if men were the fragments instead, we would finally be able to say what we were worth. & there would be plenty more men with a good women behind them. At least if you're going to call us fragments of people, we should be given the dignity of knowing exactly what we're worth. Tell male partners we aren't worth as much as what he thinks, so when we go from meeting him halfway straight to living in cheap & dangerous districts with our children, he doesn't just point at the new love (after new love) of his life like they must obviously be better than us. Men, I would like some of you to say on a late night advert "I love women. I'd love one of you all to myself, but I think you should know, we're going to go broke, & if you want to be with 3-5 men & care about them, I won't let you be called Ho". Ladies you might like to say "I love a man when you let me paint you with Weet-Bix when I offer because you think I'm doing it for 3 others." (Kindly saying that you are boring as f, a liability, & an embarrassment for not one of you will stick up for us since it does not serve your interest to share. As long as you all keep thinking things you don't know you wouldn't, truth can only get so much stranger than fiction. That is philosopher death. If nobody changes things dramatically with "you can see 3-5 men", I can see philosophers will soon be beating their heads against nothing left to know anymore. Krystel Spicer Mind Ark FB 🐦 .. duped canary (38) Stanthorpe Q. Australia (Help. ..Help😶 ). 😔😔

[@robbrewer2036]

Don't forget women can be controllers too.

[@keelyevans7692]

Yes they can we got a double whammy because my step children's mother was extremely abusive as well and worked with my ex especially because we got together abusing 11 of us with this

[@PedroAnastazi]

Worse is when patholigcal parenting abusive control and alienating behaviours is enabled and empowered through the use of a victim label, which is used to relabel the abuse into something else, typically the idea of self preservation. Typically you'll see this perpetrated by mothers (and fathers of course) with untreated mental health issues such as Borderline or Narcicistic personality disorders, (or more often than not, BPD comorbid NPD), Its important to understand that those entering relationshjips with those strong willed people typically have their own disorders which draw them to these type of abusive controlling characters in the first place. So by the time this behaviour snowballs, the targeted parent is erratic in response and perceived as unstable, simply because theyre theyre desperate to be heard and and are hyper anxious. When you break it down, you can see how pervasive this all this, but worst of it all, is the fact that there ARE channels available to address any and all concerns, which need to used. The sad reality, is that theyre not, and so the validation and false narratives conitnue against a loving parent, while an abuser continues to point the finger.... all the while, NOTHING is done to protect the children... Believe me, this is far more common than people want to acknowledge... And I havent even gotten into the misappropriation of domestic violence orders... In time, if patholigical parenting and alienation isnt addressed PROPERLY, we will have abusers point the finger while they play the victim. Now Im not saying there arent REAL victims, there are, but more often than not, BOTH parents love their kids and want whats best for them. This reality compromises the abusers position, as it could influence their freedom, finances and more often than not, bruise the ego when theyre not in control.

[@angieblake3424]

Yes, but MOST of the time it is the man who is controlling.

[@erik7386]

@@angieblake3424 you really believe that

[@angieblake3424]

@@erik7386 well yes I do believe that because studies have shown that is the case.