Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions: God Edition

Stephen has some things to get off his chest. Do you forgive him, audience? More importantly, how does God feel?
"Subscribe To ""The Late Show"" Channel HERE: bit.ly/ColbertY...
For more content from ""The Late Show with Stephen Colbert"", click HERE: bit.ly/1AKISnR
Watch full episodes of ""The Late Show"" HERE: bit.ly/1Puei40
Download the Colbert App HERE: apple.co/1Qqgwk4
Like ""The Late Show"" on Facebook HERE: on. 1df139Y
Follow ""The Late Show"" on Twitter HERE: bit.ly/1dMzZzG
Follow ""The Late Show"" on Google+ HERE: bit.ly/1JlGgzw
Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS.
Get the CBS app for iPhone & iPad! Click HERE: bit.ly/12rLxge
Get new episodes of shows you love across devices the next day, stream live TV, and watch full seasons of CBS fan favorites anytime, anywhere with CBS All Access. Try it free! bit.ly/1OQA29B
---
Stephen Colbert took over as host of The Late Show on Tuesday, Sept. 8, 2015. Colbert is best known for his work as a television host, writer, actor, and producer, and best known for his charity work teaching English as a second language on Tunisian date farms. Prior to joining the CBS family -- and being officially adopted by network president Les Moonves -- Colbert helmed “The Colbert Report,” which aired nearly 1,500 episodes and required Stephen to wear nearly 1,500 different neckties. The program received two Peabody Awards, two Grammy Awards, and several unwelcome shoulder massages. It won two Emmys for Outstanding Variety Series in 2013 and 2014, both of which appear to have been lost in the move. Colbert is pronounced koʊlˈbɛər, according to Wikipedia. His understudy is William Cavanaugh, who will be hosting The Late Show approximately one third of the time. Good luck, Bill!"

[@yagruumbagaarn]

Gotta love that reference to the paradox of omnipotence. Can an all-powerful God create a rock so heavy that even he cannot move it? I have a confession as well. Forgive me, when I understood that joke and no one in the audience laughed, I felt very pleased and superior about myself.

[@xCaptxCrunchx]

That paradox reference was truly impressive. lol

[@xdxdsheep]

I just have an idea! Rock cannot be created anyway by definition because rock is literally stone that is created by someone to serve a purpose! At the time he created a rock, it is no longer rock!

[@howdyouknow]

Wait til you take enough tokes to figure out what "god" is backwards!

[@thatoneguy33198]

Actually the bible portrays god as a man but with like powers, kind of like a modern super hero.

[@God8-O]

yagruumbagaarn I can still do anything.

[@graem117]

I think Colbert uses these segments in order to get a quick snack of his favorite foods.

[@Maphisto86]

Stephen probably ate in church as a kid and got in trouble for it. This is his payback.

[@tree-huggersans-cur4371]

Graem Paterson It's always a reference to gay catholic sex.

[@prebruler]

The rock joke killed me xD

[@Grymmorgan]

RIGHT?!? And like _NOBODY got it!!_ O.O

[@NicktheRipper1988]

yeah i wonder why

[@bossguyaskme1363]

is it with that paradox thing

[@prebruler]

Askme Askme Yes it is :P

[@bossguyaskme1363]

prebruler HAHAHA. I didn't think they would make a joke like that so i was like what?

[@xCaptxCrunchx]

That circumcision joke. LMAO

[@AndorianBlues]

I feel bad for the writer who came up with the rock joke, that was the funniest line and almost no-one in the audience got it

[@lily2912]

i tell people that i am claustrophobic so that i can scream in elevators. That is the most genius thing i have ever heard

[@wesleyem3]

I'm going to start wearing sunglasses so I can look at people's texts. That's incredible! 😂

[@danieldiaz5713]

Glad to see a lighter funnier side of my Catholic religion being played out on TV compared to the people that take it to serious, crack a joke in church about God and all you get are dirty "How dare you" looks.

[@xnonsuchx]

irslaraaasksi “saakls” enadwyliie - You can with reasonable people! All religions lay claim to the unreasonable...but yes, some to more unreasonable ones than others.

[@overlordkgk]

There is a time and a place for everything, maybe with patience the day for islamic jokes too will come.

[@mustang8206]

Bible jokes are OK but not God jokes

[@mustang8206]

Ste H Not really sure what your saying. Are you saying you don't believe in God and and like to make fun of him or that you do and you like to make fun of him?

[@bernardpolicarpio651]

Daniel Diaz the say audience acts are perfectly natural LIBDEMS.

[@Noiiizeeey]

I'm telling you! He's trolling us with the food!!!

[@historicalsuchcommentmuchw8442]

Stephen Colbert eating go-gurt is my new sexuality.

[@keeKeeConnolly]

Me too, what do we do together. We have no stephen

[@elish80]

i want to like this but you have 69 likes right now. It'd be a sin to mess that up

[@bananatube6004]

Plot twist: Colbert is God

[@margaritam.9118]

So I can scream in every closeted space I want if I say I'm claustrophobic? :D

[@TheInselaffen]

Stephen, I am very sorry to hear about your Cathoholism, I hope you recover soon.

[@bellalasseinge5881]

What. Cathoholim is a good things. I'm a Catholic myself actually

[@TheInselaffen]

Cathoholism is a very dangerous addiction, which can lead to irrational behaviour, hearing voices and genocide.

[@thomaspelletier7790]

Friend, could I ask why you'd say this, for me my Catholic faith has only made me appreciate Science and the Arts on a deeper level, and I need to disagree about the suggestion it leads to genocide. Also I get Stephen's Catholic jokes on a personal level.

[@mendiland]

Yea man how could you say that religion has caused genocides? Read some history books before you make such horrible claims, smh. And if there was no religion i wouldn't be able to appreciate art as much as i do because of how spiritual i am, so suck it!

[@culvertsandmore]

+Armend Jakupi actually pretty much every single war if it didn't start because of religion, then religious leaders would certainly bless it and pray for the soldiers on each side. Therefore religion has had a massive impact on the wars throughout history. I've done the research.

[@sogghartha]

If only God would've been eating a Go-gurt too, that would've been perfect.

[@dazzaspc]

Jeez. I really wish I knew about god's indifference to the whole cutting off the tip of the penis thing back when I was an infant and had no say in the matter. (frowny face:emoji)

[@Crick1952]

Unless your parents are Jewish or Muslim then it wasn't done for religious reasons, but health ones. Several countries carry the tradition that it helps prevent certain infections from developing (I've seen studies for and against it, so idk if it actually works)

[@dahakaguardianofthetimelin4780]

Oh, you mean like the classical New York jewish way of an old Jewish priest sucking the babies' genitals off with his goddamn mouth? How is that preventing infections from developing? If anything it only adds not only to the infections but also it might transfer STDs without the S part. There is nothing but bullshit involved with genital mutilations, all just bullshit and excuses.

[@dazzaspc]

While it often isn't usualy the stated impetus. religion is often the defense. Most practitioners will site hygiene as a defense, but the practice was revived by Kellogg to stem masturbation and god's dictates were and still are sited in churches to enforce the mutilations.

[@dazzaspc]

ThatRabbitGuy Wut? Kudos. I'm always blown away this isn't common knowledge. These guys suck babies dicks for god. How is this not a daily joke on late night? Oh yeah, "Genuinely held religious beliefs" well ok then ... suck on...

[@gigistoner8004]

Ah, Dr John Harvey Kellogg, the inventor of Corn Flakes cereal. What a religious whack job believing that if a boy was caught masturbating he should be punished by being circumcised without any anaesthetic. I believe his BS lead to the reason why it became popular practice in the US.

[@supershinigami1]

What the heck is a Gogurt?

[@Gaxhar]

Confirmed underage

[@Crick1952]

It's a popular snack for kids in the US. They put yogurt in a plastic tube with a ton of coloring and sugar and tell parents its healthy because, ya know, its yogurt. And they taste so damn good... I'm having flashbacks to when I was a kid now.

[@supershinigami1]

Twitch · Nah just not from the US.

[@renswisse]

We have something similar to that called Breaker in The Netherlands.

[@gl0wyymage]

+Rens Wisse sounds exotic

[@1mfilms]

glad they went back to the regular bit and didn't continue the Twitter version

[@brighteyes7426]

Wow I get it. I remember this problem. I'm going to so need more bullet biting times.

[@Pand3miCSK]

God : I can't remember why even how I exist could someone explain that to me ?"

[@microproductions6]

What's the point of the "I'll be right back" thing?

[@truboo4268]

This is made on TV, and these are actual clips of the episode.

[@breetaylor5249]

+Bryan Cotto I'm pretty sure he meant when Colbert/God says they'll be back only to re-open the window in like a second, unless your response was suggesting an answer that I missed

[@ashramshef]

Sorry God, Stephen was funnier.

[@God8-O]

ashramshef You are going to HELL!!!

[@nothing-2-live-4]

the audience didnt find that rock joke funny lol GOD IS GREAT RUN AND TELL DAT

[@Dream0Asylum]

Could god create a boulder so heavy, even he could not lift it? Yes, and then he would lift it because of the notion that God - by definition - must always be beyond what is possible. When you set or raise the bar, God just moves one step beyond that. If he could not, he would not (according to some theologies) be God.

[@SaesarSalad]

God could juggle black holes.

[@adebrysi]

Arceus could beat him

[@adebrysi]

You'd think he'd be worried about a loving god smiting him for blasphemy and sending him straight to hell forever because love

[@JonKrueger]

Forgive me audience! I irritate Bennie Sanders Supporters because I tell them I support Hillary Clinton―Just like Bernie Sanders supports Hillary Clinton.

[@DarthMorius]

Midnight confessions? isn't that just what twitter is ?

[@demoninbed]

God is voiced by Donald Trump. Dying.

[@Jlhines19821]

woo

[@Insospettabili]

We were so close

[@ANIME2020X]

Okay, so god still cannot lift that heavy rock, good.

[@Metalhead98793]

God needs to hit them weights

[@nigelsenchez]

My dog backwards god ym

[@brad7566]

hes always eating

[@boofisgod]

Wow, first clip that wasn't about Trump

[@masterprocrastinator384]

if this was done in india -it would be called aggression against minorities

[@catherinealmonti4301]

🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@zachos2]

I've started giving up on Colbert most nights and going to Conan or just a good tv series. I really want his show to be good, does this show have the same writers as Colbert report ?

[@micahgmiranda]

No but Colbert was on Conan a couple years ago and they're friendly. Conan's been around since the early 90's and he's very intelligent. I like them both but I definitely feel like Colbert's content has been watered down for CBS compared to when he was on comedy central.

[@xCaptxCrunchx]

Conan is very good at his craft, he used to write for the Simpsons, that alone is legendary. Colbert is Old School favorite, He was so funny in "Strangers With Candy." His work in the Daily show, and his Conservative Persona in "The Colbert Report," I'm Glad he got his Prime time show.

[@zachos2]

+xCaptxCrunchx I'm glad too just wish he was more funny with it. He tries to be too serious and it doesn't work as well. Imo

[@Gigifrancetexas]

Nobody likes scotch

[@staurosnika5980]

Um, no ! Many people love scotch whiskey. I enjoy drinking a glass straight (neat).

[@StephanosBlack]

Colbert needs some new writers...

[@Monochromicornicopia]

Stephen is religious? But I thought he was smart...

[@kenia7113]

lol😂

[@zeroforconduct8008]

I bet he's smarter than you.

[@jasonbelstone5275]

*Resists urge to bite* DARNIT ITS STILL BAIT AND WE MUST BITE!

[@howdyouknow]

Not religious, Catholic. That's a hereditary disease.

[@Evoker42]

Says the person sporting a GDI logo. Brotherhood. Unity. Peace.

[@kcthewanderer]

Man, this show has gotten cheesy as hell.

[@kcthewanderer]

This comment brought to you by Go-gurt. /S

[@THE16THPHANTOM]

the freakin audience gets to me.i mean i get embarrassed for them. i cringe every time he asks them something and they all answers like trained animals.

[@StevenTorrey]

God spelled backwards is very sloppy writing....

[@howdyouknow]

Hebrew is written right to left. Also I heard of an agnostic insomniac with dyslexia once. He would stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog...

[@Grymmorgan]

Do you know what "God spelled 'backwards'" would be? B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D-S. o.o

[@caroleblen402]

Surprising that Steven makes big bucks making fun of Catholicism and yet claims that he is Roman Catholic. I'm not Catholic ----- I know that he is talented and always looking for material for a laugh but the concentration on sex and religion to get a laugh is really not necessary. I find myself missing "laid-back" Dave.

[@klhkdkk2568]

3rd to comment!

[@janaussiger4111]

Hilarious! Do Allah and Mohammed next time!