Coming to Terms with Dreams: Growing up, bending genders and Wandering Sons

[@flintlocke1344]

“The window of time to be a high school girl is rapidly closing” God. I’m a trans gal who didn’t realize that I didn’t like being a guy until I was a young adult, and I constantly feel this grief for a childhood and adolescence that I never got to live. It hurts to think about all the “typical” experiences of the gender I want to embody that I did not and never will get to have for myself. So that line really pierced through me.

[@MinecraftCraftinator]

Yeah... I hate myself for having taken so long to realize, I even had all the signs but I've been too dense for too long to see them. I grief the life I could have lived every day...

[@Doggcereal]

I feel the same, I realized I was a trans man just a few months before graduating, it was like a switch flipped in my head and I started feeling alive one random Thursday at 18 while I was eating yogurt lmao I genuinely felt like I'd never actually 'lived' before and I grieve my childhood too, I wish I'd realized sooner as well. I know it's hard to not have been able to live the childhoods we wanted but what is girlhood if not the childhood of a girl? Even if you hadn't discovered yourself yet, your experiences are valid, despite being different from the average girl Lots of hugs, I hope you can live the rest of your life as your true self and enjoy all the things you can do now that you weren't able to do back then 🫂❤️

[@johnchesterfield9726]

I’m so sorry, I can only imagine what that must be like. I hope you try not to dwell on this very much though, as you have all the time in the world to live adulthood embodying the gender you know you truly are. :)

[@nickys1471]

I'm trying to watch this but I had to take a break there, that line hurt so bad. I realized something was wrong when I was 17, but I didn't really accept myself until I was 21. Now I'm 22, started transitioning back in January of this year... next year will be my last year of college, hopefully I'll get to be a college girl for a little while.

[@flintlocke1344]

@@nickys1471 Savor every moment of it. I don’t think it’ll ever stop hurting entirely, but we can salve the wound by making new memories. 🫂🏳️‍⚧️

[@play3rthr339]

I'm writing this as a cis male of 21 yrs, who originally started watching videos like this so as to better understand what my trans little brother goes through. Growing up in a small mormon town in Utah, there really hasn't been anyone I know of in school or in my life who is trans, so I didn't really have anything to go off of. Videos like this have been a massive help in this regard I think, otherwise I might have brushed off the experience of growing up trans as 'not a big deal'. Within these videos, and other little happenings in my life, i've started wondering about my own gender and what would make me happy. Ever since I started High School, I focused on doing stage crew for the theatre club. This involves supporting actors in putting on a show, and wearing all black. Ever since I started that, I've replaced 90% of my wardrobe with plain black shirts, black work pants, black shoes, socks, everything. Later on in High School, I grew my hair out, though at the time I did it because my best friend, and fellow stagecrew guy, also had long, very curly hair and I thought that was cool. As i'm writing this, i'll be turning 21 in mid-june, and despite being separated from high school by a few years now, I still wear my hair long (down to the bottom of my shoulder blades), still wear the same black clothing, and these videos and other media that explore gender seems to have planted a seed in my brain that there could be other reasons why I present myself the way I do, who knows. All I know is that from what i've seen, this community seems to be very welcoming, and I appreciate that. I know my brother certainly does too.

[@Lady_in_Yearning]

The world needs more elder siblings like you

[@play3rthr339]

@@Lady_in_Yearning seems like now is a good time to update this: i'm (for now) a fem-leaning enby lmao. Ended up wstching ceicocat's latest video right aftee I watched this one and posted the comment, and it's ending about their transition story, and about not wanting to fit within the binary of male or female, but instead being free to be yourself, really resonated with me, so here we are.

[@Lady_in_Yearning]

@@play3rthr339 Edited my comment accordingly. Genuinely happy for you, and wishing you luck on your journey!

[@BLOPS2ps3]

I have the same style

[@SkyeID]

@@play3rthr339 congrats, cousin!

[@joshwi4193]

I can tell by the title I'm going to cry if I watch this edit: yep

[@CarmenRaindrop]

Don't feel bad, almost got me.

[@carolinesherman]

same

[@RickiHirsch]

I cried making it fwiw. I was doing good till I started editing that last 15 minutes or so.

[@dazaisteponmepleasedaddy]

I saw the mention of wandering son and I shed a tear

[@Nano-Nova]

@@RickiHirsch I was almost completely fine throughout the entire video and then the last 15 minutes kicked me harder than anything ever has. Thank you for this video.

[@RubyG3451]

"gender dysphoria rapidly builds as the window of time to be a highschool girl is rapidly closing." dam... I relate to that in a very painful way.

[@pisscvre69]

im 28 and on hrt, i still feel so much pain over what i didnt get to have, at least now tho i am surrounded by other trans women and were having our own “prom”, cant change what was but can kinda make it happen late in some cases

[@tristantheoofer2]

thats what happened to me- i aint transfem (ok well i am, just not mtf, im mtnb) and at 16 my gender dysphoria decided to go on fucking crack for whatever reason. its fucking insane

[@UwUImShio]

What's so good about being a girl?

[@UwUImShio]

What's so good about being a highschool girl? I'm genuinely curious, and not hating. I was born a girl, but always hated being one, so I don't understand why anyone would want that lol

[@Nobody-ed9bv]

@@UwUImShio Boys in their childhood will be pushed to do "boy stuff" while girls will be pushed to do "girl stuff." If you're born a guy you'll be pushed into the boy stuff and that's what your fundamentals for life will be, you don't really get to experience the fundamentals of the other gender. That's basically the main source of misery for trans folk, feeling like you're living a life that's not meant for you while the life you feel like you should've had gets repressed because others determined it wasn't for you. Also highschool in general is just one of the more romanticized parts of life, for either gender, probably because it's seen as the prime of youth.

[@HeyBudHowsItGoin]

57:43 “It’s an easy trap to fall into. You keep your head down and you take things one day at a time. Focus on what’s working and don’t think too hard about the future. If those feelings come back up, just ignore them til they go away and hope they don’t come back, even though, as you know, they probably will.” I don’t want to overshare in the comments section of the funny deer VTuber’s newest video but holy shit that hits.

[@PearlPython]

Easily the best description of the hell I’ve been through over the past six years . Self-closeting is pain.

[@cass7448]

@@realteamwall Go away.

[@HeyBudHowsItGoin]

@@PearlPython I’ve been at it for years as well so I feel your pain. I hope you’re doing all right and that you’re able to be yourself soon (and if you’re still in the questioning phase like me, I hope you’re able to explore who you are freely).

[@PearlPython]

@@HeyBudHowsItGoin I’m doing alright, I’m kind of still questioning some things, but I think it’s nearly over. I’m building a game plan and I’m gonna do what needs to be done so that this body feels like a home and not a gilded cage. It sounds far off, but things will get better for you. The uncertainty and fear will fade. You’ll take the steps that make you happy, even if it’s a gradual shift. I think we are all compelled to embrace ourselves in the end.

[@HeyBudHowsItGoin]

@@PearlPython “we are all compelled to embrace ourselves in the end” goes crazy hard and got me to ask a friend to switch up the pronouns they use for me. Thanks for writing such a banger quote that it got me to take what feels like a step lol

[@Drakus986]

I watched the Wandering Son anime back in college after Crunchyroll started aggressively recommending it to me. I was feeling especially depressed one winter night, laying in bed going through my watchlist of random junk I added to just give my brain something to focus on that wasn't my crumbling life around me. When I got to the scene in the first episode when Clair de Lune starts playing over Nitori running through the streets, calling herself disgusting and holding back tears, I started silently crying. I barely noticed until the episode was done, at which point I turned my phone off, rolled over in bed and went to sleep asking myself, "Why do I find these kids so relatable?" It was the first real, permanent crack in my egg. The first one that didn't just scar back over so I could act like nothing was ever there and I needed to just keep carrying on as I was expected to. It would still be years before I came out as Bi, and a few more years still before I came out as trans. Wandering Son saved my life. And it is also the reason I will cry everytime I hear the opening of Clair de Lune.

[@HunsterMonter]

​@@realteamwall lmao as if Jesus wouldn't accept trans people for who we are

[@Akab]

​@@realteamwalldon't like that cult. Left years ago 👍

[@gencreeper6476]

Thats the point I just reached. Something cracked that i finally cant ignore. Ive always known im attracted to men that i was never just a normal straight boy but in a way that didnt help because I firmly believed I was just a gay male until I ended up finding out I fit most of the signs people cite as red flags for dysphoria. But its not just now and I know it. I have this really eerie ass memory and by eerie I mean how vividly it's stuck with me despite being such a mundane event. I had watched a show probably a bit too much for my age where some alien race had switched two protagonists bodies around (both male) and my hyperactive imagination was going off and for some reason I remember staring at myself in the mirror as I was getting ready to shower and wondering sincerely whether I was actually a girl that was experimented on and switched into another body. I was able to brush it off but the fact that I never forgot that one moment out of so many when I was that age creeps me out a little. Ever since that day there have been things that popped up in my life almost always right as I was beginning to do so well like not even thinking I could be anything but a boy and then boom I have a dream where I was a girl and it causes a goddamn 3 month existential crisis.

[@andresvalera1430]

I had the same experience while being younger, I wonder how many trans people this show reached with it just being presented as another highschool drama anime

[@duckluiz]

1:27:58 something similar happened with me and my boyfriend when he was figuring out that he is a trans man. During a period of time I struggled with the thought of being a gay man. Turns out I am not a gay man, and maybe not even a man at all. As the time passes, I came out as bisexual, and now I identify as a non-binary person, leaning towards a fem presentation

[@rottingross]

maybe the thing abt recruiting ppl isnt so far off 😭😭

[@ceres_lang]

@@rottingross Sometimes exposure to the feelings and perspectives of queer people helps others realize they're not comfortable with their identities and cause them to re-evaluate

[@rottingross]

@@ceres_lang oh ya i was js making a joke

[@iofromthesky]

truly beautiful story

[@Chrys4l1s]

thats actually a kinda common thing, trans people being attracted to eachother even before realizing their identity

[@GrandGobboBarb]

The moment you said that Boku no Hentai felt almost as magical to you as the magical influenza stories, I had to laugh and start to cry. Because I was a trans kid a decade earlier in the 1990s, and when I read Wandering Son as a closeted adult it felt as unrealistic and fantastical as the magical genderbending novels. The idea that you could be trans without every single friend turning against you was a fairy tale. And now I'm an out woman with a trans son whose entire community embraces and accepts him and, just. It's so much. And to see it reflected, someone like Yuki reflecting me, someone like Marika as a gender-flipped version of my son, and hearing someone who relates to what I thought was an overly optimistic depiction just 10 years ago... it's a lot. Thanks.❤

[@RickiHirsch]

My work here is done

[@theswissmiss69]

💕

[@WhatANiceMonth]

I know this is two weeks old but this gives me hope. I've felt for so long that I'll never be able to transition, and if I did, I could never raise a child. Hearing that you've succeeded fills me with so much hope, so thanks I guess is what I'm trying to say.

[@PixelAspen]

"These kinds of fantasies are like a warm fire. At a distance and for a time they can be comforting. But if you stay too long or you get too close you are going to get burnt" To me the most painful part of mangas like Bokura no Hentai is the fact that their families and friends accept them, even going as far as to help them with their transition. Personally I had nothing like that, so reading about it just fills me with a sense of sadness and lose. It is strange thing because stories like this with a happy ending end up hurting me more than those with a bitter one.

[@RickiHirsch]

I had to put down Bokura no Hentai for a bit when I got to that scene. As happy as it is, I had the same reaction at first. For me, it was hard not to be envious.

[@Pro_K.R.]

I have the exact same feeling. It's difficult to embrace the present, but find ways to be as happy as you can so past you didn't suffer for nothing. I'm pre-transition(moving my account over or something will be painful lol), so if I die before my time in the light, I can be okay with getting to wear a dress in secret. Heck! I even got to wear them around the house when my parents were on vacation! More importantly, I know my true identity, so it's much better than nothing Here's my advice: give yourself a loving hug, and cry as much as you want. Be the person that always accepts you for all the cringey and silly stuff. Also, switch to, like, LGBTQ adjacent media, something like Magical Girl shows or Ouran High School Host Club(my beloved!). That'll cut back on the existential dysphoria just a little. Just a suggestion, what's most important is to give yourself(and others, if you can get them) BIG 'ol hugs!

[@Cryospec]

This is too real...

[@WWFanatic0]

I had a similar but more NSFW version of that opening question to a friend. Not sure how we got on the topic, but it was about what we'd do if we were in an accident where everything is fine except we lost what was between our legs. I said, with no hesitation, that I'd just live as a woman and to my surprise none of my friends said they'd do the same. It seemed like the logic thing to me. A therapist I saw responded to that anecdote as "So the only reason you don't currently live as a woman is because of your anatomy?" with a slight smirk. We had a good rapport and up to that point I'd talked around being trans a lot but never quite could say to myself, yes, I DO want to be a woman. It was a sort of "gotcha" but in a good way. It really was wild to me when I pieced it all together and how, no, the vast majority of guys don't think about how great it would be to be turned into a girl...

[@pisscvre69]

being a boy was such a horrible experience i still can’t understand the appeal of living that way, i think gender roles were engrained enough in my head at the time that i figured amabs were just given the role randomly and that masc and fem were needed both for things to function, and that i had just lost the lottery being born amab lol, very silly shit but the 00’s were a time of extreeme gender roles, it was very lonely feeling i had to hide it knowing no one talked about it, and by 10th grade i had plans to “get a sex change” after hs and then.. yea. out of shame, glad i got past the shame enough to not, but its just, yea idk i just wwnted to talk about my experience i think lol

[@davidarvingumazon5024]

Really? How? Considering modernfeminist created a massive tension and controversies in the west.

[@Ikea_Shark990]

I'm rewatching this video yet again because it's so good and stumbled on this comment. I want to say that that therapist is freakin great and wish you a good day ma'am

[@oya4056]

Man losing my nards would suck and I'd really hate to be a girl. Not that I'm being misogynistic cus chicks are sweet but i really like being a dude

[@UwUImShio]

Yeah, our genitals shouldn't really matter (except for hygiene and reproductive stuff of course). Putting people into boxes and limiting them based on what's between their legs never made sense to me. I hope you're doing well and living as your truest self, whatever way you see fit. You are so much more than your anatomy

[@AccelgorTheNinja]

This video really struck me as a trans girl. I wasnt a trans kid, and honestly for what its worth i think ive come to peace with that. Like most trans women, I didnt get a girlhood. I didnt even know that was something i wanted until my 20s. But, seeing that the landscape for acceptance for trans youth is changing and evolving makes me really happy.

[@asher3311]

idk if most is accurate there. i havent looked at surveys or anything about this but i dont think any of the many of the trans ppl i know were trans as kids, or at least not until like late high school where youre past childhood already. i think that the idea that most trans ppl know as kids is something i see a lot and kinda just plays into the narratives that people want to hear, like i know thats sort of a thing that some therapists will ask when seeing if you should be prescribed hormones or something, just general stuff about if you preferred stereotypically feminine things as a child. idk where exactly im going with this but yeah

[@AccelgorTheNinja]

@asher3311 I meant the opposite of how you read it haha. But I understand the confusion. I'll edit it now so it makes more sense.

[@AccelgorTheNinja]

@asher3311 also I meant trans kid as in someone with ideation at all when I was younger, not someone who transitioned as a child. And in my very anecdotal experience, many of my trans friends and close relations commonly did have thoughts of wanting to be a boy or girl or for my nb friends, neither much earlier than I did. Like before 10 years old for many of them. When i went in before I started HRT for an evaluation, I was honest about that. I truely didn't even consider anything but my assigned gender until 21. I still got care which i understand is a privilege. Hope the comment makes more sense now.

[@UwUImShio]

Out of pure curiosity, what does girlhood mean to you? I'm curious, because I'm almost your opposite. I was born female but I always knew something was off about me. I was basically a tomboy until puberty hit. That's when my boy friends "abandoned" me, so I had to fit in with the girls. That didn't work either because I didn't even try to "be a girl" (make-up, feminine clothes, and manners, I dunno). I never really knew what girlhood or womanhood felt like, because I just didn't feel it. Only the downsides (periods, catcalling, harassment…) and I always missed being "one of the boys". Also gender dysphoria and body hatred. I even had a brief misogynistic phase, fuelled by self hatred of course. Now as an adult, I don't see myself as either gender, but I transitioned socially around 16. I chose an masculine/unisex name, started binding my chest, and wore men's/unisex clothes for comfort and practicality (at least that's what I tell myself) and I still do. Unfortunately medical transitions are banned in my country as of now. Anyways, I'm always curious as to what trans women go through, and what they're dysphoric about. I may not be able to relate as much, but I try to understand the other side of the coin.

[@atshorlus]

That part at the end, definitely got to me. When I got to... well the most noticeable part of puberty at the end of high school, I remember laying on the couch in my basement thinking "I guess the boobs aren't coming. Well... maybe next time around, I'll be a girl. Suppose I'll try to make the most of what I've got." When I initially said it, it felt like accepting a prison sentence, but now after transition and making it through all the hell to get here, "Suppose I'll try to make the most of what I've got." feels much more like a declaration, a mission statement, and seeing me in person it definitely shows. I've grown so much in a way I likely would never have if I hadn't been given this course in life, and it's lead me to view others with so much more compassion. Hell, I even hugged the woman who nearly killed me with her truck, because she was visibly quite shaken and I knew that that had to be an awful experience that she'll need to carry with her for the rest of her life too. Wandering Son is something I'd wished I'd seen during it's original runs, since consequently around the same time the anime aired, instead I saw the trans episode of Family Guy and slid back into thinking I was disgusting instead of being human which clung to me for quite a while after coming out even.

[@ragcat3732]

As a transmasc person who similarly felt conflicted when reading/watching wandering son, I agree with pretty much everything said here and I think it also made me appreciate wandering son for what it is. This video was like a warm blanket thank you ❤

[@nickneal3955]

I like your reading of Yoshino. I always saw myself reflected in his struggles. I wanted to be a boy but I gave it up because I didn't think it was possible, literally didn't know that transition existed until years later (I lived in the South in a time it 'wasn't talked about'). Many years later I had to make the choice to exist as man no matter what the world thought or not exist at all. I cried like that so many times while I desperately tried to feel like a woman because I felt there was no other choice but the few times I ever felt like a woman it felt like I was living in a horror movie. If I'd had a route to manhood in childhood, puberty blockers and then hrt at a young age and a supportive system, I would have been spared a lot of trauma. I personally always felt that Yoshino would someday decide to take those same steps I did, late but still there. I am so thankful that these days options are more available for other people like me so they can have the support they need.

[@wren_.]

that’s exactly what being a girl feels like for me. girls are taught to be pretty, and I am very good at being pretty. if I were to become a man, then I’d stop being pretty in favor of something else. that “something else” is probably happiness, but I am too scared to find out. so I stay in my comfort zone, playing dress-up in a body that doesn’t suit me, because it’s the only thing i seem to be good at.

[@Naki6]

@@wren_. I feel something similar!! I'm too afraid that people will perceive me, that no matter what I do I'll never be beautiful, because for some reason I have these silly thoughts that this is the only thing I can do for the world (but that might just be a teenage thing).

[@poplaysgames6540]

There's a glaring difference between the experiences of Shu and Yoshino that may partly explain why Yoshino kept struggling to find and accept their identity. Shu, to varying extents, had support and acceptance from her female peers, who, sharing a gender identity, she could identify with. Yoshino did not. Their only support came from women and girls. Perhaps if Yuki hadn't been so traumatized by her childhood as to have socially cut herself off from almost everyone else, she might have been involved with a wider transgender community, and been able to introduce Yoshino to (other?) trans men, but without that opportunity to see themselves in others, outside of the relatively safe and acceptable niche of 'tomboy' (which unfortunately has an expiry date), with no-one to look up to, admire, emulate, /and identify with/ (as Shu could with Yuki), Yoshino remains isolated, lost, and without direction. Ultimately, understanding both ourselves and others enough to confidently /be/, or project our understanding into fiction, requires reflection, which is only possible when we have the opportunity to compare and contrast ourselves with those both like and unlike ourselves. As someone who realised they were trans much later in life, while I can empathise with what Shu goes through, as a trans woman myself, I also recognise the feelings and isolation, even among others, that Yoshino experiences. My fleeting, but much deeper friendships with cis girls and then women, and almost complete lack of any (outside of mutual defense against bullying) with cis boys/men, are what kept me questioning, but it wasn't until I was exposed to other trans women through tumblr and twitter that I recognised myself in them and escaped the closet. As someone who has made a similar journey myself, I'd have to say that if anyone is the Wandering Son, it is Yoshino. - (There's also the possibility that the author unconsciously wrote her own internalized transphobia, and feelings of dysphoria at having to consider transgender experiences, into the two characters. And so, identifying with another woman, even a trans one, could better empathise with Shu's need to find, center, and express herself, while being unable to write Yoshino as anything other than confused and vacillating, blocked by a both a subconscious disgust at the thought of /herself/ becoming a man, and a lack of understanding of what it would feel like to be a man that society sees as a woman. That, or the almost complete lack of non-binary representation from which to draw from, prevented an alternative writing of Yoshino as explicitly non-binary, /and/ in world, at that time, any means for them to understand themselves as non-binary.)

[@RickiHirsch]

Another comment also brought up the non-binary reading of Yoshino. I came across an article on the history of the x-gender designation and wonder if that might have been an avenue for the character had the story been written a few years later.

[@elliart7432]

I honesty see Yoshino as most well read from a nonbinary perspective. When they come to their realization in the end, the focus is overwhelmingly on how they AREN'T a boy, but not that they ARE a girl, and this seems to be a resignation that deeply upsets them in ways they can't express. They are happy in this space they've found themself in where androgyny is allowed and celebrated, but there's a specific kind of pain associated with the fact that, unlike Suichi, this isn't allowed to be who they ARE, just what they play as. Suichi is a girl and Yoshino is... nothing. There is no third option. In fact, they actually remind me a lot of myself as an agender person, just with a sadder conclusion.

[@kiddpaddle8503]

Yeah this is how I read it. To me, it feels like a tragic duality in that way. Watching the contrast of someone who is able find themself but faces external opposition vs someone who has found peace externally but internally still lost due to societal recognition and expectation of their respected identities. I sympathize with transmascs who felt betrayed by Yoshino's conclusion, but from a distance, it's a very compelling narrative and one that speaks to some uncomfortable truths of society especially in that time and place.

[@RickiHirsch]

It makes me wonder if there could have been a more explicit x-gender/nonbinary/agender conclusion to Yoshino's arc had the story been written more recently.

[@molluscumlore]

yeah, it's quite clumsy but I can kinda relate to yoshino. On one hand she started out looking like we'd get a transmasc story and when those are also rare it's disappointing when it doesn't pan out. But also yeah sometimes you do just kinda have your brain change in some way that changes how you feel about your gender, or realize you have more complex feelings than you thought. Like personally I've always been a tomboy, and as a kid I was very directly wanting to be a boy. But as I got older my feelings on my gender got more complex. I realized part of it was lesbianism and how tied sexuality had been to gender in my mind previously, and another part was autism making me feel separated from the gender I was expected to fill, and a third was just aesthetic preference. Realizing those things made me realize I don't want to be a man at all in any real social manner, but I also don't particularly want to be a girl. I'm effectively cis because it doesn't bother me to be in a female body and treated as a woman, but I also don't particularly prefer it. I like masculine fashion and I like lesbianism and I like not caring about trying to be a woman or a man. But yoshino doesn't get much of her thoughts explored in that direction, possibly doesn't even recognize it in herself yet, so it looks really bad. She has a different view than I (I'm a bear-ish butch, but she seems to like princely androgyny and dabbling in feminine fashion) but I know I've seen nonbinary people with similar preferences and even similar paths to their gender. But we don't see the latter half of yoshino's coming gender exploration, we only see the part where she realizes she isn't a man, not the part where she realizes she also isn't particularly a woman. So it ends as a detransition story rather than what it optimistically could be.

[@elliart7432]

@@RickiHirsch No yah that's what I was thinking! I'm agender so I was like "hmm, well that sounds like me but with serious gender baggage"

[@RunawayTrain2502]

Yeah mood, honestly. I'm Enby but I don't even look slightly Andro (very much dude BTW). I don't feel that uncomfortable in my body or anything. I just don't feel like a man...

[@millythompsonfromtrigun98anime]

I’m a 17 year old, approaching 18 this year, who struggles with authenticity towards my queer friends due to an outwardly transphobic home environment, where I’ve had to shelter my feelings and lie to my parents my whole life. I have hardly a means to express myself as a girl, and your video has inspired me to keep pursing this path towards otherwise. Towards having the blessed, warped outside. Thank you for sharing this art, talking about your own experiences and perspectives, and giving me hope

[@ofi_light5631]

I'm so sorry to hear that

[@RickiHirsch]

I'm glad this video could do that for you. Wishing you the best.

[@lars1588]

About the same age myself and really struggling, so all I can say is: Keep going... ♥

[@millythompsonfromtrigun98anime]

Thank you all for the kind words

[@one-onessadhalf3393]

Girl, I’m literally you but trans masc lmao

[@elliart7432]

Banning Wandering Son and NOT Inside Mari in public buildings designed for minors is a TAKE. /neg

[@RickiHirsch]

That's a flattering comparison. Thank you!

[@merlin9183]

saw this video in my home page, went to the top comment, didnt know what wandering son was and ended up googling it. the time it took me to go to google it i had forgotten that it was wandering son and googled wandering boy and found a song by randy newman and now im crying

[@anthonyanderson4039]

I haven’t watched the video yet and what you said looks like moon runes, if you said that to a cave man he would probably explode

[@dopey473]

@@anthonyanderson4039 yeah idk why the tone indicator was necessary

[@Jetsetlemming]

I mean Inside Mari is very clearly just media for adults already, so it'd get automatically excluded from a school library the same as any mature media. Wandering Son is age appropriate media however, so it being picked out specifically is because it probably existed in the library to begin with and they wanted to remove it.

[@RespectableRick]

I was like "Wait, why is Yoshino being referred to with she/her-" and then I got war flashbacks to that God awful ending oml 😭 I forgot they did that to them, transmascs really can't have shiiiiitttttt

[@RickiHirsch]

I went back and forth and how to refer to Yoshino and nothing felt good. In the end, I went with what other writers ended up doing and put in the rec for Dear Society since it handles a similar character so much better.

[@WWFanatic0]

Yoshino's ending feels like it was meant to be unsatisfying and heartbreaking right? Like, it's that specific juncture in time Yoshino "gives up." Which...idk it's heartbreaking because I know that feeling all too well (albeit from a transfem perspective) where you just think it's not worth it to even try and basically bury those feelings and lie to yourself. It's all the more heartbreaking because we know that doesn't go away. It's unsatisfying to have character arcs end like that, but there's something about it that just...resonates? Far too many of our community go through that struggle, often more than once. I hate how much my transmasc brothers get erased though. It's awful the things people say about transfems and the vilification, but as we see and Ricki mentions, there is at least acknowledgment in our existence in that. The "oh they're just tomboys" or a rebellious/cool girl like a punk rock type dismissal, the way that a girl acting like a boy is normalized to such an extent that a transmasc can be dismissed. There's a bunch of infantilizing misogyny in it too where the phobes treat transmascs as dumb, confused little girls. One day I hope we all get the respect and visibility we deserve...

[@RespectableRick]

@@WWFanatic0 I honestly really like this take and I appreciate you taking the time to write this comment

[@WWFanatic0]

@@RespectableRick Thanks and happy to contribute! Maybe it's just my read on the story and headcannon, but I like to believe Yoshino does overcome this internal struggle eventually, just not yet. I mean, the courage to admit that she wants to be a man is something that was a common thread as was how much society quietly cast doubts on that identity being real. I don't have the lived experience of that transmen do, but as a transwoman, I can definitely say I was one of those who felt like I never had the words, that I could just ignore the feelings, etc. I totally get how the story burned some people though and it felt like a lack of payoff. It's so tricky on what pronouns to use to describe Yoshino too because of this and no matter what I pick it feels wrong. Definitely want our brothers in the trans community to get the visibility, respect, and validation that they deserve and hopefully more media will get caught up with reality.

[@WWFanatic0]

@@realteamwall Lmao. Grew up in an evangelical church, went to Catholic school for 8 years. Christianity does have a lot to offer. Christians? Much less so. Perhaps you should reach out to them about being open-minded.

[@CaraiseLink]

I avoided Wandering Son out of genuine fear, so I'm grateful I could remain one step removed while hearing someone with similar experiences pick through their feelings about it. Thank you.

[@defennia]

I've had a similar experience. And have openly struggled without the this in me

[@PeachNEPTR]

Another relatable trans experience. Avoiding media you know will wreck you

[@defennia]

@@PeachNEPTR its what I do to repress myself

[@Loafoftime]

I'm a 14 year old trans girl in rural illinois and wandering son is very relatable, even better than my situation... Wherever the trans people are who think it's transphobic, i want to move there.

[@ekszentrik]

As you are a MtF and not a FtM (for whom peer pressure and social contagion are a bigger factor), the following statement has a lesser accuracy, but I still hope you outgrow your current phase. I overcame a gender dysphoric phase as a kid, as well. The vast majority of people grow out of it.

[@Loafoftime]

"The vast majority of trans kids outgrow it" Source? If you took the time to look up the numbers, every study you find would disagree with you. Take your conversion therapy BS elsewhere. It's not a phase.

[@Bir-doll]

​@@ekszentrik that's not even a little bit true

[@Bir-doll]

I was like you, just in Texas. Stay strong, girl, you'll make it out and be free someday.

[@RickiHirsch]

I hope you can make it to a better situation soon. Hang in there, girl.

[@Zumlustigmachen-ho7vp]

Ok, so all I have to do is kill pairs of snakes? That I can do!

[@NoiseDay]

Just don't do it twice.

[@theperson_12]

@@NoiseDay Only kill odd numbers of snake pairs. Got it.

[@siduxjxhdgzhdjxhxuuxxyhgg1079]

What did the snakes do to ya?!

[@ФдФ]

The wind's turning the snakes trans!

[@dianehoekstra6880]

They have to be having sex at the time.

[@andriypredmyrskyy7791]

I cried when you spoke on dreams. We deserved better, but it does no one any good to dwell on what could have been. We tried our best to be ourselves, and this is where we are; where will we go next?

[@NoiseDay]

When I watched Wandering Son for the first time, I loved Yoshino as myself. I came out as trans shortly after. When I read and finished the manga, I loved Nitori-chan as my daughter. I mourned Yoshino's character arc and swapped to wishing the best for our sweet trans girl. My heart really broke for her throughout the rest of the story.

[@Gigglerue]

"I came out as trans shortly after." Same here, I saw so much of Nitori in myself even from just the first episode, and I saw Yuki as someone I could potentially become, but the final nail in the coffin was Nitori's line "I still like you, and also want to be a girl, that's just how it is" that was what ultimately gave me the permission I needed for myself to transition~ best decision of my life~ :9 (Although, I ended up figuring out that I'm ace/enby, and had to detangle a lot of assumptions placed upon myself~ ^^') For a long time, I was of the opinion that Yoshino's story where they ultimately changed their mind was necessary as a "it's okay to change your mind" kind of insertion to the story, but I have grown and learned a lot over the years, and the need to insert a "you might regret it, it's okay to change your mind" kind of message is very much a well meaning, but conservative cisgender take on the matter... and this video makes a great point that they could have easily written in another scene where, years later, Yoshino changed their mind again and actually *did* transition... with that kind of reading, Yoshino's journey is far more relatable than even Nitori's for me~ I used to flip flop between will I/won't I transition all the time~ :V

[@barbasolembryos9427]

This video broke me in the best way in sheer relatability. I'd never really considered referring to my childhood as that of a "trans kid" before because I was deeply closeted and actively repressing myself because I knew... but hearing a similar situation referred to as such... I don't know, it feels like I just forgave myself a bit. Thank you for this.

[@julia-techberg]

The image of Marika standing in her girls uniform with a smile of pure gender euphoria at 1:36:28 breaks me every time I see it. To me it's the most powerful panel in all of manga and one of the most emotionally resonant moments in fiction. Even when I know it is coming (the moment I realized you'd actually talk about Bokura no Hentai I tried to prepare myself). The moment the picture came up my eyes started running and I very rarely cry about anything

[@RickiHirsch]

I hadn't thought about it as a powerful image before, but you're totally right. It's already striking in the context of Bokura no Hentai but hits even harder in the broader context of all the history leading up to that kind of story being possible.

[@cebuwu2331]

While I think calling Wandering Son actively transphobic is a stretch, there's an undeniable bitterness I feel when I got to the ending of this manga a few years ago. It's great that you and other trans people felt seen and heard through Shu's story and your interpretation of the scene where Yoshino says they no longer want to be a man is appreciated but personally it left a sour taste in my mouth especially with how often trans masc and men aren't taken seriously. You mentioned how Yoshino's masculinity is never rejected but also never affirmed and this just feels like another twist of the knife in that regard, with how little depictions of trans masculinity there are to begin with. It would be nice if later down the line they ended up finding their way into manhood after all, but as of right now the story's conclusion they haven't and it feels, at best, insulting.

[@RickiHirsch]

I can't fault anyone for having that take away. I really don't know what Shimura was going for toward the end with Yoshino and I haven't been able to find an interview that clarifies either.

[@cebuwu2331]

@@realteamwall no one fucking asked.

[@lightofthelives]

Yeah I agree with this.. as a trans man the ending was super insulting to me personally, just felt like a cis persons take on trans men in general. Doesn't help that there's like only one depiction of an.. attempt..? At a trans man in the whole manga, just feels gross to have the only depiction detransition in the end :(

[@cebuwu2331]

@@lightofthelives It sucks!! And it hurts!! I'm not going to speculate what the authors intentions were because we'll never really know but now that you bring it up, yeah, there really was only an attempt at portraying a trans man than didn't even stick in the end :/ I really enjoyed reading Wandering Son at the time and many scenes like the one where Yoshino was confronted about having their period and running away in tears was really poignant to me Considering how it all ended though the whole thing kind of feels that much cheaper

[@colourfulbucket2603]

​@@realteamwall grew up and was indoctrinated in it, kept me from believing trans people were real. Finally came to realize that everyone is unique and god made trans people like anyone else. Too bad so many religious folks are so close minded to that fact and shun trans people like me until religion becomes a hostile place

[@tangle-of-trees]

as someone who's going in the same vague direction as the character in Wandering Son who backed out (in terms of transition, at least), and also had to deal with family and friends who didn't quite understand me, when you showed the scene where they decided they didn't want to be a guy anymore, it was a gutpunch i wasn't expecting at all. it was almost too much to watch, the polar opposite for me to your experience with the scene of the transfemme character and her girlfriend. it's viscerally horrifying to me in a way that's difficult to describe. it makes me wonder if being brought up to be as stubborn and bullheaded as i am (both intentionally and unintentionally on my parents' part) was more of a blessing than i give it credit for

[@tangle-of-trees]

@@realteamwall i've actually looked into christianity plenty. i just think that it gets used against people like me and my family so often that i don't want to give myself another sensitive spot to get stabbed in. nothing personal against christians, it's just a preference of mine

[@tranidite]

​@@realteamwallPlease stop.

[@MaddyRaddy9]

I saw "gender" in the title and I just know that I've gotta make time to watch this like it's a cinematic movie. Also, judging by other comments, I should be prepared to cry.

[@Graveyqrd]

This video broke me and put me back together again. I'm an 18 year old trans girl. As a child, I experienced life mostly the way I wanted. I was allowed to play with barbies, help cook and clean, and indulge in all the stereotypically feminine activities of my mother. I was constantly mistaken for a girl, and it satisfied something in me that i couldn't recognize. As I grew older I stopped being mistaken for a girl, and that's where I began to really feel the depths of, what i didn't know at the time was, gender dysphoria. I lived for years with the uncomfortable twisting and turning of my own self-hatred, my hatred of my body, and my yearning to be something that I wasn't. The "gender dysphoria rapidly builds as the window of time to be a highschool girl is rapidly closing" line hit me so hard as someone who only just in my last 2 years of high school got the opportunity to live my life as the girl I dreamt of being. I share the sentiment of time lost on contemplation and regret over what could have been. I've sat awake countless nights wishing that I had uncovered the truth of my gender turmoil earlier in life. I hold so much regret and anger at myself for not realizing sooner, but at the same time, I pity the child I was. I mourn for the years of my childhood that I wasted pushing those feelings and thoughts away, thinking of my desire to be a girl as nothing more than a hopeless and shameful dream. Thank you dearly for this video.

[@Cable..0]

I relate to this comment on a massive scale. I really wish that button was real just be what you want one tap a button away but sadly it doesn't exist 😮‍💨

[@cpte3729]

you can still be an adult woman. PRESS ON. KEEP GOING. SHE DID NOT DIE IN VAIN SHE SACRIFICED HERSELF TO SAVE YOU.

[@RickiHirsch]

Maybe I'm overstepping as a youtube person. Sorry if I am. I had a really hard time dealing with the regret and anger. One thing that helped was also realizing that I had done a tremendous amount of very difficult work to get to the point where I was and giving myself credit for that. I don't know if that helps to hear but from what you shared it sounds like you're kinds badass (imho) and I hope you have many brighter years ahead of you.

[@yumi7439]

Same i'm an 18 years and ten months old trans girl and have wanted to transition since i was 5 but i have a transphobic family

[@lars1588]

Eighteen as well and mourning all the years I lost. Literally crying right now. Sending love, hugs, and best wishes.

[@karakara9653]

That last bit hit really... really hard. I don't know how to let go of the fantasy of who I could have been. It kept me going for so long, but its just hurting me at this point. I don't know how to move forward.

[@lightningninja6905]

I haven't finished the video, but this statement already makes me feel so many things. I remember as a kid how desperately I wanted to make comics or games for a living, and how I was going to have my own place, my own job, and my own partner. But none of that has manifested, and I'm 24. Now I'm just left with the fantasy of the awesome person I could have been...

[@roosterjooster]

@@lightningninja6905 you are only 24. do not judge yourself so harshly. You can become and probably already are an awesome person. You can find a thing you are passionate about now and try to do that as a hobby and become good at it. Skills that can be shown are not the only metric by which to judge yourself. Even if you started trying to learn comics by the age of 70 you could still probably become someone worth notice. It is never too late.

[@lightningninja6905]

@@roosterjooster Tysm!! This comment actually convinced me to give comics another go, I think I can do it this time!

[@miserycrown.]

So... Where's this button?

[@toxicbavariankitten]

Sorry, I pressed it too much. Though it didnt work (yet) for me. I'll give it some more time (and money) to be more like I (Transfem pre hrt enby(/possibly even Agender)) want to be instead of being a "cis man". I'll report back if it worked (if I dont forget that is).

[@miserycrown.]

@@toxicbavariankitten will be waiting on your updates, remember to check back in

[@Claggg]

​@@toxicbavariankitten hey so fellow transfem enby here who also sometimes questions if they're agencer. What the hell, ur literally copying my whole flow :/

[@toxicbavariankitten]

@@Claggg Not true. You are copying me >:3 but a little bit of piracy hasnt hurt nobody (besides big corporations who treat their customers like crap)

[@The_Skrongler]

I think it's worth noting that the "tomboy" card comes with some hidden terms and conditions. I managed to hide in that category sometimes as a teenager, but only when I could pass myself off as "boyish" in a "cute" way. If I didn't toe that line I'd be moved into a different category. It starts with a D, and you can't say it in youtube comments. The line seemed to be based on whether or not people thought I was making myself attractive for straight guys. (as a child 🤮) Anyway this video was beautiful as always, I'm so glad I found this chanel.

[@PearlPython]

I’ve tried hiding in the tomboy category as an adult and just having short hair puts me in a socially tense plane of existence. I’ve had people ask plenty of invasive questions, just because of my short hair, so I always leave the house with makeup on when I’m going somewhere social. I don’t feel liberated by the tomboy label; more like the leash is so tight I have no room to breathe.

[@RickiHirsch]

Glad you enjoyed it and agreed on the line between "tomboy" and word neither of us can type in a YT comment

[@KatieAndCatburger]

Beautifully written, what a powerful conclusion. As you were describing the complicated way Yuki holds herself I found myself deeply relating her despite my own cis status, and I was reminded of her again in the outro. I've been needlessly defensive or guarded more times than I can count, and I can attribute it to my past, but I can also attribute my proudest moments of empathy and acceptance to those same horrible events, and it's mind boggling to try to process it all. Thank you so much for sharing and writing this piece, so illuminating. Also: FOUND YA SUCKER

[@RickiHirsch]

Congratulations on finding the unlisted video! I think there is a lot to take away from with Yuki regardless of whether someone is trans or cis which only makes her intro more frustrating.

[@LeafBlade0623]

I want to thank you for making a video on trans subjects with this tone, something like this is what I’ve been looking for for a long time; media about transness that’s not about self realization and acceptance, but coping with how awful and sometimes hopeless transition can be. I’ve been on hrt for 2 years now and still pretty much just look like a regular cis man with long hair and a soft-ish face, and while this happens I see so many trans people start later than I did and turn out gorgeous in a fraction of the time, even being able to take steps to transition outside of hrt. I consider myself to basically have a failed transition at this point, and I’m honestly super confused about what I should do next. I’m out of the closet online, in the gaming communities I’m apart of, to pretty much all of my friends, and I’ve kinda locked myself into coming out in college for my last year after coming out to one of my professors. I have zero clue what I should do in this situation. I don’t look feminine at all, and attempting to present feminine only ever makes me feel dysphoric because of how mannish and ugly I look. I present male pretty much everywhere, and unless a miracle happens and my hrt magically starts working, I probably will forever. You bring up characters and people in this video that are women that dress and present masculinely, and sometimes I like to tell myself that I’m just super butch or whatever, but that cope kinda wears off when I remember that I don’t look like a woman presenting masc, I look like a man presenting masc, and also I don’t want that to be my only option for the rest of my life. But I guess it’s the only option I have at this point and I gotta just accept that really. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve been looking for an answer to this dilemma for a while now, and I feel like this video has maybe given my a sliver of hope that I’ll find that answer soon. Thank you.

[@RickiHirsch]

Whatever answer that ends up being, I hope you find it soon.

[@nixien1496]

Oh shit your talking about the Manga I help Translate (Until I become me) I'm Nixie Pixel I translate it along with SmileyGuy :) In our TL we use I(M) or I(F) because yeah Ricki explains it perfectly Akiras internal struggle. I appreciated it because it dose unique things with what to me I clearly read as akiras gender confusion and seeming dysphoria in a unique setting where what they are is stigmatized but in a strange way, that isn't heavily sexualized. While I didn't translate the Manga of (Bitter change) I did translate the preceding Webcomic that the author made of the manga I only posted that to certain webforums, that story was much shorter and had a considerably darker theme and tone, (It ends with Yui dying/killing themselves and Yuuta fully grown as a woman with a kid now at Yui's grave trying as best as they can to move on alone with the problem they face (Of begin gender bent and now having no connection to their family) but are now permanently jammed.) the webcomic ends on a very sombre note compared to the manga. I translated several other gender bending manga including several not on this list because I (A transwoman) just want trans narratives to be heard even if these aren't "Exactly Trans." we just have so little else... and alot of them just don't ever get TL'd and moulder away forgotten. Alot of them have sexual elements, but yeah I recommend the "Change H" anthology for alot of really strange narrative approaches to trans themes while alot are sexual alot also aren't I always hanker for a character sincerely exploring their genders and the implications of living in X body forever and how this impacts their sense of self... Also transmigration girl recommend that. although im embarrassed by my TL of that one. These stories always remind me much of my own "Hatching" story as a baby trans. I Translate these stories to others might get the same self questioning ache I did from thinking about them and perhaps crack their shells. I hope you enjoyed it :D Nixie No Pixel

[@RickiHirsch]

Oh snap! Thank you for all the work you've done on translating these stories. Like you said, there aren't many stories like them and most of them never get a translation. I also love the I(M)/I(F) approach you took in Until I Become Me. It's a very eloquent way of getting across Akira's internal dilemma. I appreciated it a lot!

[@nixien1496]

@@RickiHirsch Oh also thanks for the touching video essay, the last section really hit my heart like a bell. x

[@ZikiDraws]

Whoa Florida mention! Kinda surreal hearing this, being a transwomen who grew up and in Florida and only really was able to come to terms with my gender though my reading of wandering son and Bokura no Hentai. I struggled deeply with myself before that, and these two works really guided me though unearthing my self from the shame and repression I struggled though. Edit: oh my god it was yuri all along

[@syn010110]

wandering son has always been weird for me. it gets so much right, but still does feel like a trans story by a cis person, for cis people.

[@jetbuilder]

Loved this video! When I was a kid, I too thought every boy wanted to be a girl, but we just didn't talk about it. Thinking about "what could have been if only I was born the right way" is really painful. I'm sure my life would have been so much better than the lifetime of depression and anxiety I got. I often think "It's so unfair I wasn't born a girl" while thinking about all the stuff I've had to go through to be kinda okay with my body. I'm just over 2 years on HRT and one month post bottom surgery. I've never been so content with myself, but it still kinda hurts knowing I'll probably never totally pass as cis.

[@tranidite]

​@@realteamwallStop

[@prism-bj3yx]

Much of this video speaks to my childhood, being a trans kid who had to grow up as someone I wasn't to survive. Still being a trans adult 11 years later, I finally have the liberty to transition. The quote "...blessed and warped outside" at the end really resonates with me and being told to be kind to myself brought me to tears.

[@DenajM25]

I can't believe, how one youtube video could change my life forever, I am extremely grateful this helped me find my true identity. I will never forget this video.

[@adale4281]

[@RickiHirsch]

Thank you. I'm humbled that something I made could have that kind of impact on someone. Wishing the best for you

[@Sal-edCaramel]

This video (video essay even) very literally just opened my eyes. This helped me take the time to think and discuss my gender and sexual identity with myself. Ive been cycling through many sexualities trying to find one that fits. And now I’ve realized if I want to find that, I need to know what I identify with. I’ve personally come to the conclusion that I like being a woman, but I don’t mind being seen as a man. And even more so, i don’t really care if I’m seen as neither. This has really helped me narrow my sights down, currently (and for the past 3 years) I’ve been a lesbian. But I’ve always been worried about being an imposter. Thinking to myself, ‘What if I’m just faking this?’ And often times ‘what if I’m just wrong, or crazy?’ And I’m still going to struggle with that. I mean, who doesn’t and who won’t? But now I’m able to come back to these thoughts and figure out *why* I’m thinking this, *why* I invalidate myself. And now I’m at a decision. Am I Lesbian, or am I Pansexual?

[@solitudebeta5579]

I didn’t expect to hear Shishunki Bitter Change mentioned again four years after I dropped it because the resonant anguish, despair and shame was too painful to bear at the time. In just a few days I’ll begin HRT with a much more positive outlook on life. Thank you for making this masterfully beautiful video. I might try to pick up Shishunki once again, along with the other titles present here.

[@emilyelizabeth2718]

Hey, all my trans dolls watching~ Your rage and pain are valid. Your stories matter just as much as these do, and I hope we stick around long enough to tell them all to the next generation of girls. Love ya. ❤

[@sparten1012]

I remember getting to those very panels of the manga and rereading them over and over and over. I remember saving them, just them onto my computer so I could never loose what that felt like. To see a future I could live with. And today, though its messier than I would have liked, and I don't always love what I see in the mirror, I got that ending. I got to be with a wonderful kind wife, I got to make a space for myself. I won't make any excuses for how the series left trans masc readers hung out to dry. Maybe if there had been even one trans masc character to act as a counter point or something like your epilogue concept. Yet ultimately, I think back to wandering son, its lazy river of melancholy. The messy imperfect end. How I felt watching Shuu's girlfriends radical acceptance of both shuu and herself. To not just say something like "It doesn't matter" but in a jokey way that "I'm in this with you. For you." Fucking wrecks me. I will never be able to toss Wandering Son away. Maybe it is a generational divide, but your right. As another messy girl who transitioned in her twenties from Florida, it fucking hits.

[@RickiHirsch]

I must have read the story over a dozen times making this video and every time that ending scene with Anna and Shuu still hit. I'm glad you were able to get that ending for yourself.

[@benjaminjenkins2384]

I cannot wait for the homoeroticism of swords video, subbed.

[@escher2hands663]

I loved this video. I know it must take a momentous amount of effort to create a nearly two-hour project like this, but it was so...warming. Sometimes being trans is scary, seeing how we're always under attack, no matter which country we live in (I've lived in three), but this video just gives me such good feels. Thank you.

[@RickiHirsch]

It was a huge project but entirely worth it to hear that it helped bring a little warmth into a scary world.

[@iloveaigis]

Oh this was such a beautiful video. You ended it wonderfully. I'm really grateful that there's someone on this website that discusses topics like this with such care as you have.

[@RickiHirsch]

Thank you. I'm doing my best out here.

[@ceebailz]

this is a really important video for me, your explanation for Yoshino is really helping me reconcile with some of the doubts im experiencing atm. thank you

[@xiomax]

I really liked the video, found the dreams section very touching and it kinda makes me wonder some stuff about myself. Wandering Son is one of the few manga I read after watching the anime because of how rare trans stories are in the genre, specially back then. Love that you ended your main analysis section with Shuu and Ana's relationship and how it evolves, definitely a lovely and hopeful part of the manga. Also loved the history on LGBTQ on Japan, very informative!

[@sarazapata4621]

"I have a blessed but warped outside" welp, now I'm crying. I love hearing stories about other non cisgender people's childhoods since mine was, well, messy in it's own way. It's super validating to know that we all know, even when we didn't have the language or the tools to express it

[@SteveAkaDarktimes]

I think the contrast between the successful story in Shu, and the honest depiction of society grinding Yoshino's ambitions down is more powerful and impactful than two success would have been. the possibility of failure, denial and fear, of that other path where many find themselves in adulthood, is imho very important to explore and acknowledge in fiction. its an ending that really makes you feel how wrong this is. its galvanizing.

[@photoxander]

Insane you're talking about all my favorites in this category. Thank you so much for your amazing videos. It sometimes feels like I'm watching the videos I wish I had made, they feel sometimes like they mimic my souls thoughts.

[@Rocksteady72a]

Hearing the part about the fact you experienced this uncertainty until your late 20s hit home. I'm studying for my Masters rn, but after managing to rather effectively suppress my own thoughts and feelings, it has recently been something that has taken over every idle thought i have, and the biggest pushback I keep coming back to was "it's probably too late for me anyway." I still don't know if it's something I have the mindstate or resilience to tackle tbh

[@RickiHirsch]

As someone who has been there, I don't think it's ever too late to prioritize your own happiness. So far, my 30's have been the best years of my life. It was a scary jump to make but it turns out you just take it a day at a time like anything else. Good luck with your masters and wishing the best for you.

[@solongstarbird9835]

"Her attachment is a reflection of her carefully hidden immaturity and a desire to vicariously relitigate her own painful childhood." I had to pause the video to process how hard that one hit.

[@Frommerman]

I had no idea it is linguistically impossible(?) to idly misgender someone else in Japanese. The thought there might be languages constructed such that gender is only conveyed by the subject rather than by others to the subject just genuinely had not crossed my mind. I'd already concluded "traditional" Anglophone conceptions of gender are bullshit, wildly inaccurate as models of human experience, and do almost nobody any good, and discarded them as pertains to myself (they/them btw), but this only deepens that. There are languages where people couldn't he/him me all day by failing to read my business card. Why does anyone think of the rigidity enforced by the English language as natural at all?

[@KawaiiStars]

Propaganda, it's such a widely known language, other cultures are only getting more worldwide recognition in the current internet era, which is why different cultures gender experiences and problems are so varied Ps. Even though people can't misgender you, if they see you as biologically male, they'd expect you to address yourself as such and use said pronouns, so passing is very important in east Asia, especially Japan

[@hasanmuttaqin464]

In indonesia there's no gendered pronouns at all

[@kytoda]

It's not exactly impossible, just unlikely and sometimes highly unnatural. It can also depend on speaker, I have friends who I've never heard use he or she (in Japanese ofc) even once and a professor who uses them constantly. But most of the time it's their name, and if you don't know their name "this/that person"

[@Frommerman]

@@KawaiiStars Yeah I figured it wouldn't just be that easy, but the fact that it can be easier...

[@Jetsetlemming]

They can, in the same way that you most often get misgendered in english: third person references from people who don't know you. In Japanese it's a "that man/that woman" style phrasing instead of specific pronouns.

[@freepeltiple2]

I am someone who had very midwestern but neurodivergent parents, so I was already in a family that lived on the outskirts of normality. They were never surprised or disgusted, but they also never validated me. I struggle with acknowledging I exist because of this. Not that how I am would be wrong, but would anyone even care? Its a very confusing foundation to try to live and find yourself

[@ThatTsukuya]

The "Coming to terms with dreams" section hit so god damn hard. Thanks for this.

[@deawinter]

“Maybe things should have been different, but that doesn’t mean the life I do have isn’t worth living.” oh I’m sobbing

[@wen6519]

To all of you beautiful trans people in the comments sharing your stories: thank you, im so glad you are here, and im so glad to read your words. Im also glad i watched this video. Im transmasc. My egg hadnt cracked with Wandering Son, but it was along the stories that opened up my obsession of learning more about transpeople; I was also ignorant, and thinking that trans women must be attracted to men. Although i think id feel awkward and down if i read the manga, the anime version was good to me. I dont complain about Yoshino's ending, because it is true that some people dont transition or dont contonue transitioning because of lack of support and impostor syndrome. Heck, some people dont transition because they dont want to lose their families or their romantic partners. I am saddened by Yoshino's story, but I find it a fair read, and im still glad nothing gorey happen for Yoshino to get there. For transmasc people, if you transitioned, you are beautiful and im glad you did, and if you havent transitioned yet/had to detransition, you are beautiful and im glad you are still with us.

[@lizz8728]

i can remember reading wandering son as a little trans girl in an undeveloped country, in a transphobic family, in the early 2000-2010 and in a conservative town, and thinking that the story was unrealistically positive and that things weren't as easy in real life as to be accepted by school friends and meeting other people like you so closely... looking back and seeing how things have changed, how kids theese days have so much more possibilities to be themselves freely, to the point that wandering son seems cruel and devastating brings tears of joy to my eyes, specially since the character i connect the most with is yuki.

[@RickiHirsch]

Beautifully said

[@OwO_Azalea]

I fell in love with your content and transfem topics in just 2 videos and I love how you're not making it a bad thing [unlike my parents]. I came out to my parents and more of my irl friendsd after being closeted for a year [or two] and only my close friends supported me, I love how you make me feel like I'm not a bad person and that I truly am a girl. I've had a horrible highschool experience as soon as I came out but this makes me hope to continue to keep going.

[@juliaobernesser349]

I love "Wondering Son". As you alluded to it's brutal, but that's what I like about it. I've had so many people try to sugar coat things in my life, and I always appreciate it when people give it to me straight (or trans in this case). I liked the opening, as it provided a lot of context to references made in "Wondering Son" that I simply didn't understand. What I find the most interesting about any piece of literature is how 2 people can read the same thing and get different things out of it. -When it came to the boyfriend touching Yoshino, I read that as a harsh reality hitting the pair. Up to that point they had a good support network, yet this scene showed them the outside world isn't so kind. -When it comes to the Trans Woman's relationship with the kids , I didn't really see it as her giving love were she would have wanted it. I saw it as her living vicariously through them. Especially when Yoshino is kicked out of the house and she asks what it's like to go through the right puberty the first time. With both of those scenes though, they are very out of nowhere. -As for the ending, I will admit, it does leave a bitter taste for Yoshino's story, but a relatable one. I felt the same way in my trans journey. There was a time I was able to block out all trans thoughts for a while, only for them to come back full force years later. The ending reminds of how what an English teacher taught me about ending "End it, but keep them wanting more". -The final thing I'll mention is the title. I thought it was called "Wondering Son", because when the son wasn't Shuu, it was Yoshino, and vise versa. So in essence there is 1 son wondering between the 2 house holds. I'll have to see about checking out these other Manga that you mentioned as I'm always interesting to hear more trans stories. I'm the kind of person to think how much further I have to go, rather than how far I've comes. With these kind of stories, I'm giving that reminder of how far I have come. Great video, and keep up the good work.

[@katekatekate518]

wandering son single handedly changed my perspective on life in all honesty. i think it more than anything it offered me an understanding that im part of a very very long history of trans youths / trans people more than anything else ive seen involving trans people.

[@Kameno-o]

I’m halfway through this and god I love how in depth this is and the mangas (especially Until I become me, god I need to read that asap!!) keep up the good work and glad to see this video!! (P.S I gotta check out the rose of versailles and binge the rest of the year 24 works immediately lol!)

[@RickiHirsch]

It's so good! I'm glad I stuck out those first few chapters even if waiting months between updates can be painful lol. Rose of Versailles also rules. I only knew it through reference before making this and I got way more into it than I was expecting.

[@nershacreave6044]

My god how do i always end up on these channels, my closet cannot handle it any more

[@Dazed_Bunnie]

I can already tell I’m going to overshare with this comment, and to be quite honest it’s my first comment on KZbin in nearly a decade, but I felt it important to share, and hopefully Ricki will see this so that they know. I started this video because I was beginning to clean my room today, since I let it become a mess from a somewhat recent breakup. After a while I was solely engaged with this video, granted I did get a lot done so no worries on that front. The explanation of Wandering Son and its story, as well as the personal anecdotes tied in made me cry several times, especially towards the end. I began to experience gender dysphoria as young as 10 years old, but didn’t really know why I felt that way until about 14. I am now 18 years old, and finally considering transitioning as a serious thought, because for a long time I thought it a distant dream and pushed it aside. I, like Ricki, grew up in the Midwest, with well intentioned but uneducated parents on these subjects. Neither of them know of my struggles, but I can tell they know something is up, and have started to treat me a bit differently. Going back, I remember one small detail about my life that was always critical was my hair. Until I was 13, my father made me get the same extremely short haircut my entire life. I finally was allowed to grow it out, and people told me they disliked it because I have a cow lick and it didn’t look right. After my recent breakup I cut it all off back down to square one, and I seriously regret doing so. I feel as though my struggle with hair is a perfect analogy for my struggle with gender as a whole. Whenever I act more feminine, people hate it, but when I act more masculine, I hate myself. I still have yet to work up the courage to wear feminine clothes even for myself at home, and it’s harder still because of my body being naturally very masculine looking. I relate to a lot of the struggles within this video in my own personal ways, and I just want anybody reading this to know that you are not alone. Somebody is going through the same struggles you are, and even more are willing to help you. This video helped me to contextualize my internal struggles, and really put me on the path of self discovery. I’ve been in talks with many of my MTF friends lately, trying to figure out what is right for me, and I can happily point to this video as a good reminder of what I’m really looking for and what I’ve already gone through. Thank you Ricki, this means the world to me. I saved this video the very second it ended.

[@RickiHirsch]

I don't think that's oversharing at all. I'm moved that this video could help you like that. I hope you figure out what is best for you and wishing the best for you whatever that may be.

[@PallyChan]

Wandering Son almost made me give up on life, puberty is so awful. The low low's are so real and it just evokes that pain which is not behind me at all. I'm luck to pass in my day to day, but I feel like I'll always be an imposter from the trauma of that time. The current political climate doesn't help. It's definitely a trip when people who hate trans people don't realize I'm trans and start spouting off antitrans propogranda to me...

[@vinnae]

I'm not done going over this video yet, but I feel it worth mentioning that Wandering Son was such an important part in me cracking my eggshell, that I will always love to hear other people talk about it and their own experiences with it and also sharing my own. The manga completely shattered my eggshell to bits in the second volume, where two separate issues in the volume get introduced by showing what appear to be Nitorin and Takatsuki, with the "What are little girls made of?" and "What are little boys made of?" nursery rhymes respectively for the transfem and transmasc characters. Something within me got shaken up so hard when I saw both. The one for Nitorin comes first, then the one for Takatsuki. When I saw the one for Takatsuki and about snips and snails, my very soul started kicking and thrashing about how I don't want to be made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails. I don't want a boy's shirt and pants and short haircut. Then I went back to the one for Nitorin about sugar and spice and everything nice and I realized I wanted nothing more than to be like Nitorin. To be like this girl in the intro panel with a cute summer dress, a beautiful hat and lovely dressing boots. I wanted to be made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Despite both panels in the manga obviously being in black and white, Nitorin's panel felt like it had color to it, I could see the colors in the dress and boots and imagine a flowery prairie vividly where Nitorin is standing, while Takatsuki's panel to me stayed black and white and plain. I love this manga to the point that I bought the entire collection of it in the original Japanese off of eBay, and I remind myself to keep learning Japanese and keep reading that manga little by little. Wandering Son will live on with me forever for having been the one key to unlock everything within me that allowed me to live a much more fulfilling life, finally allowing me to feel happy with myself and making it feel like my problems are worth solving.

[@yewchewba]

i read wandering son as it was first coming out, and as i was going through the whole internal cost-benefit analysis of doing the same. in spite of the gut-punch of the first character i saw my experience in ending up giving up in tears, this manga, and in particular the relationship between anna and shuu, continues to live rent free in my head over a decade later. i couldn't help but feel a bit defensive about public opinion turning against it, even though i completely get it -- it was there for me when i needed it, after all. it's so lovely to get to hear a nuanced deep dive into all the epic highs and lows(!) from someone who also connected deeply with the story, and i could have happily listened to you analyze the whole manga beat by beat. ps: the people want to hear your thoughts on whatever saori had going on

[@RickiHirsch]

Honestly, I don't think Saori knows what Saori has going on. She changes her mind often, doesn't really seem to know what she wants and goes back and forth between unexpected kindness and unnecessary cruelty. In a lot of ways, she might be the most age appropriately written character.

[@yewchewba]

@@RickiHirsch that’s insightful! i hated her at times for the impact she was leaving on the other characters, but liked that she did illustrate those more fraught and confusing friendships. she is like a middle-to-high-schooler to me

[@Roleplay_Raven]

This was a fantastic, refreshing and impactful analysis and appreciation of the source material and honestly as a 30 something trans woman the section highlighting how society has moved forward from 90's-00's to today is bittersweet and hits hard. I am glad that our lived experiences are seen today as unnecessarily cruel, hopefully society can learn to provide better experiences for trans youth into subsequent decades.

[@mariaandcrobat]

I'm pretty late to this video, but everything youve talked about it just so, relatable. I'm afab but even since I was a child, I've never leaned into one gender more than the other. My breaking point was at 12, I think. Puberty had hit me, my breasts were growing just like my classmates, I never thought about it until on the of the boys of my group touch me and said something like "They are so big", I don't think he did it with any malicious intent other than picking on me, but it changed everything I thought about myself, and I started to realised I was becoming a woman. My disforia was hard, but hidden, never wearing really femenine or tight clothes, no makeup, and a huge insecurity in the roundness of my body and the pitch of my voice, and the worst thing, it was that everytime I saw myself in the mirror, I wouldnt recognized me, even in my dreams I wasnt really me, but a cartoonish version of myself to cope with the reality of being someone I wasn't. However, I also didn't want to be a man, so I never gave a second thought about my identity until I discovered non binary people and neutral pronouns, and one random day, I caught myself thinking "I would prefer if people would use neutral pronouns on me", and my world completely change. I now consider myself non binary, I have been using they/them pronouns for 3 years, I cut my hair short, and I get joy in dressing in masculine and femenine clothes, but there is always a noise in my head that is ashamed of my identity, that prefers to lay down and only telling close people about it. There's this fear of being judge for something I cannot change about me, so I can understad Yoshino in a way, she doesn't want to be a man, but neither a woman, but it's easier to fall under one of the categories in fear of reject. I also can understan Yuki, if I hide myself, if I never correct others and if I never make public my name, then it wont hurt to be misgendered and misnamed, it won't hurt to know that even after everything, I'm still a girl to societies eyes

[@Hobbit_Optimist]

22:38 “The only thing standing between akira and being who they want to be is themselves. But that’s still a tall wall to climb even when everyone around you seems supportive.” Fuck that hit me harder than I would’ve expected

[@frandszk]

the public library near my house a couple random volumes of wandering son that i read without any sort of order in elementary school, so most of the themes went completely over my head at the time. rereading it now, the strangely comforting atmosphere i got from it as a kid now make a lot more sense. thank you for reminding me of it with this video!

[@No-ln8wb]

Holy shit i have never felt this overwhelmingly hopeless and rotting in my life. This video really made me realize just how pathetic and detached i've been. I can't even bring myself to feel anything of true strength over it. Made me see just how fragile everything about me is, the moment i look away from the screen i'm on autopilot, terrified to even pass by a fucking mirror.

[@Satanika]

Ok this was enough for me to click the fricking bell, this channel reminds me of the euphoria that I felt when I started transitioning, sometimes I just give up on that euphoria cause the frustrations are so many, but still... It's lovely to feel it again

[@crocutamire4909]

Maybe the real yuri was the friends we made along the way? I dont have anything useful to add, but i enjoy your work, and im feeding the algorithm one (1) comment :)

[@Zivilin]

Your comment seemed to have paid off. I got the video recommended to me from the algorithm. 🙂

[@postmental_thoughts]

I really appreciate this video, being someone that has never really engaged with manga or anime I never would have come across any of the things that you covered but the ideas here have really struck a chord for me so this comment is probably going to be way too much oversharing on a public platform and so I apologise to anyone who reads it. I'm amab and 20 years old, I've always had a strong pull towards typically feminine things to which my parents who despite their faults would always encourage my engagement with those things, despite that I also really liked a lot of typically masculine things to the point that at many times in my life I've been unable to distinguish between what would and wouldn't be typical to be interested in, much like how I've been with most things. I think that from an early age I had the desire to be a girl but due to unfortunate family events I can barely remember any part of my life up until my early teenage years, which at that point I noticed having stronger and stronger desires to be friends with girls but also desires to be them, I'm not sure I had even had crushes on anyone beyond these intense desires and because I'd always felt weird about my place in the world I had just assumed I was gay and came out really early on with everyone in my life being quite supportive but it never felt quite right. as life went on though these desires to be liked by and be these varying different girls grew more intense to the point that I started to feel like a complete creep because I would periodically obssess over these girls, wishing that each and every day I would wake up and be one too, I assumed for a while it was because I had no friends and the only people I knew that I could intellectually engage with were girls but that never felt right either. As I reached the end of high school I'd get drunk almost every weekend because I had horrible depression that likely stemmed from my only now diagnosed adhd and concoction of possible other mental illnesses I've been told I have but have never had the money to seriously get checked out, but through these drunken moments I would start to reflect upon my place in the world I think that's when I realised I was probably trans but I definitely came to the conclusion that I didn't like being perceived as a man, in fact I despised it, and that I didn't think that I was really gay either. I could never express to anyone that I thought i was trans though, I've bonded with trans friends of mine about shared experiences but I only ever have said that I might maybe be non binary, I think maybe it's because I simply don't feel trans enough, I hate how I feel everyday living life but I also don't mind several of my masculine features and everytime I imagine myself as a girl it's never in a significantly more feminine way, I wish I could dress like a stereotypical tomboy or the way some of the masc lesbian people i know do, I just want to feel like a girl beyond all else but it never feels enough because all the transfems I know and see online always present in a very feminine way and so I don't want to feel like I'm just pretending to be a girl and nothing more. I know that even now I'd still have to change a lot to even look how I wish I could and I can't find the motivation to make any effort to change, maybe it's because I've felt so alone my whole life and I don't deserve to stop being lonely, or to even be happy. I know that it's such an inherently toxic mentality but I feel like I need someone to help me through this but I don't feel like I can do any of this on my own anymore. I'm so sorry for writing this out, I know I've overshared so much but I also don't have the nerve to delete this either, I don't think I've ever verbalised these thoughts before and I know I need to put these out somewhere that's not just rotting on my notes app.

[@postmental_thoughts]

I'm sorry for anyone who reads this, I just need some of these thoughts out of my head. I do understand that this is a very incoherent rant that is likely in many ways to not be entirely accurate in conveying my point and i probably said some wrong shit but the heat of the moment takes us all.

[@Jay-esterloveskirby]

well ihhh I wish I could be friends with you But I’m probably 7 years younger then you so Just know that you can probably like masculine things or masculine parts about yourself and still be trans I mean, it’s not like gender is one way or the other They’ve made it so there’s lots in between you just have to see which of those is right for you

[@meylyn8227]

Honestly, I cannot think of another cis author other than Shimura who's ever been able to nail gender dysphoria in story-telling that closely, especially back in the early 2000's. The intricate depiction of gender dysphoria and how it affects all aspects of your life and how well that's integrated into the story feels like something that could only be derived from first-hand experiences and pains. One of the hardest parts of reading Wandering Son was the moment where Shuu was dreaming and saw her own hands rapidly become masculine in front of her, which has been a nightmare of mine as a trans girl. Shimura did an exceptional job in telling a fictional trans story that I could not help but look at Shuu through the lens of my own childhood and finding way too many similarities.

[@LunaJadeHanson]

This video means the world to me. I'm crying at work, dressed as a boy, knowing I'll stay awake tonight crying about what my body has become due to puberty. This a new journey to me, and one I fought against for myself for so long. Now as someone in my later 20's i can't help but dream about the "what ifs" and how I could have led a happier life, being myself, not being afraid of how others would see me and ridicule me. Thank you for this, it means a ton to me and allows me to realize I'm not so alone in my thoughts

[@RickiHirsch]

This is weeks in the rear view now but you're certainly not alone. Personally, I was also in my late 20's when I started my own journey. I hope the future is kinder to you and wishing you the best.

[@LunaJadeHanson]

@@RickiHirsch Thank you for the kind words

[@thealdoc]

I wasn't certain if this was gonna be a video essay or a niche music playlist when i clicked😂

[@starryamity33]

Same, that's how I came across this, I've saved and been sifting through a bazillion music playlists in my Watch Later. It's a pleasant surprise regardless. c:

[@RickiHirsch]

lo-fi beats to bend gender to

[@toxicbavariankitten]

​@@RickiHirsch I wish that some lofi would be all it would take to come closer to oneselfs ideal gender identity. Then I could just listen to lofi and watch how I, a transfem (pre HRT) enby/maybe agender even get to have features typically associated with women.

[@ChubuPeng]

i remember wanting to watch wandering son but then i heard about the ending in the manga which just turned me away from it. hell, even just thinking about it is making me dysphoric lol but im glad others can connect and relate to it. i just do wish transmascs can have more positive representation. (though i will check out that one series you recommended) on a lighter note, i was happy to see shishunki bitter change, as im currently reading it and i didnt expect it to be so great

[@RickiHirsch]

If you do check out Dear Society, I hope you enjoy it. It felt very much like what I wanted but didn't get from Wandering Son. Also big same on shishunki bitter change. I didn't expect to love it as much as I do.

[@lordzevallos]

Quickly becoming one of my favorite KZbinrs fr 🙏

[@josephbelisle5792]

I love how your voice starts the video with tension in it. As you move along your voice loses some tension but maintains the tension of conviction. Great narration. I cried through much of this video. Yushino doesnt have to transistion. If that button was real, from what I remember as a child, i would have pushed that button instantly. But that was not my life. Well over 50 years later and several years of trauma therapy, I now understand part of my problems as a child. Working with that knowledge I find that I dont want to transistion. I am at the age were the difference in men and women are decreasing in opposition to adolescence. But even without that i still dont want to change. I dont have the heart and spirit for something like that. My deepest admiration for those that can. I think Yushino realizes, as a person, that he doesnt have it in him to make the change. We are all different. So he falls back on being a she. For me, its just another loss I have to greive. Amoung so many losses in my life. How my family, my society, our world, not only failed me but betrayed me. The simple fact of biology still evades us at this stage in our understanding of life and the universe. How we, as a society, have such issues with our own biology and genetics. The section on bias in science remind me of Richard Dawkins. A great mind in science who comes out at anti trans admittedly because of his personal bias founded in his beliefs of societal norms. He thinks things should be one way when he knows science evidences the opposite. I don't engage in the what ifs, or what could have been. I am who I am now. I just need to keep trying to figure out who that is. I have long hair because of how it makes me feel. Good. I have a long beard because of how that makes me feel too. I get negative feedback for both. These stories of pain and suffering for being who you are and not being accepted, never ends. Unless you sacrifice yourself to the vultures of societal norms. That's an option.

[@Ikea_Shark990]

I accidentally clicked on this the moment the notification came up, and the intro already tells me I'll have no regrets. Love your content. I can't wait to continue playing celeste with this in the background Edit 1: ITS YURI LETS FUCKING GO Edit 2: As a trans minor who has been watching these videos for almost a year, I just wanted to say thank you.

[@Jiroxys25]

I don't know how you do it, but every time you make a video about gender it manages to scratch off all the calluses on my heart and makes me feel so raw.

[@cassdraws06]

Excellent video and so well reaearched. As a trans man still far from transitioning some of these points hit hard

[@GwentheNinth]

This kept poppin up in my recommendations along with Ceicocats video about incel to trans and Inside Mari. Being trans, i was scared of what i was going to hear. Now hear i am, bawling my eyes out the secong you said 'Be kind to yourself'. Cuz i know i haven't been. Ive been living with this 'Im on HRT but im not a girl yet cuz body hair or facial features' and constant self doubt and building up excuses to not confront myself, even becoming jealous and bitter to trans kids that had the support i never had. And then you just, tore all that down for me and forced me to realize that I need to actually love myself. Im just a sobbing mess now but, thank you so much

[@RickiHirsch]

I'm moved that this video had that impact on you. Loving myself has always been a struggle for me but it's been a rewarding one. Wishing nothing but the best for you 💛

[@N0tsaved]

This was an incredibly thoughtful examination of the story, the history of what inspired it, and the culture that cultivated it. I loved every minute, even when it was relatable to the point of painful. Thank you for making this.

[@verrine_s]

Despite how long ago and nearly forgotten the themes addressed were part of my life I always cry watching your videos.

[@immortalskywizard7375]

Im about five minutes in and already need to take a second. This is gonna be a long watch. Good job, i love your work.

[@lars1588]

I can't handle the feelings this video as brought out in me. It seems as if each day it becomes harder and harder to live in this prison of a body that I have had to bear with for eighteen years now. I can't even begin to mourn my entire childhood being full of pain, loneliness, confusion, etc. all because I didn't have the words to explain myself. It's as if I've opened wound I can't ever close again. Thank you for putting so much effort into this.

[@infinidoge]

As a fledgling transfem, having consumed none of the media you talk about here, I very much feel the deep and poignant feeling and message of the sum of everything you talk about. I have a blessed, warped outside, but it doesn't do me any good to mourn what could have been and wish for a magical solution (as much as a gender swap potion would be nice). All I can really do is move forward, take the steps I can until, while, after I become the girl I want to be, and beating myself up over it doesn't help that. Thank you for your videos, this and the gender body horror videos are the only 2 I've seen, but nonetheless you are a powerful essayist, and I'm glad you are making meaningful content like this.

[@cpte3729]

it took me ten years to realize i did it. i fucking made it....i didnt survive. i didnt become who i wamted to be as a child through smarts. through luck. through will. i did through endurance. i ran faster than the animal chasing me. I stopped being jealous of the lucky, the cunning, the brave and the women they grew to be that day. I was proud of who i became. I was proud to be a young adult with a limitless future again. i figured this out a month ago. the weeks since are strange. im slowly becoming myself again. my brain is coming back online after this "factory reset". quick diagnostic to see if every new part i installed while my closeted self was "under the hood" was functioning. All systems nominal. I am alive. it all feels correct.That will be enough for me.

[@Pro_K.R.]

There's something about that bitter change manga that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I'm one of those trans girls who never knew until she knew. That was last October. Trying to move out of my parents house now is infinitely more daunting, because I feel the weight of gender dysphoria pull me down so often. I just never had proper access to my feelings, and now, it's too painfully obvious after watching CeicoCat's "The Incel to Trans Pipeline and Inside Mari"(I find incel morbidly fascinating, and got hooked b/c it starts talking about how your feelings change on hrt, and I was already doing work on feelings, long story). The way that the characters are depicted VISCERALLY feeling their gender dysphoria, coupled with what is essentially existential dysphoria with lines like "What if I forget my feelings of wanting to be a beautiful woman someday" and the sentiment that they would just somehow 'embrace' the clash of how they are treated and how they want to be treated........ It made me cry. Not much as it stands, owing to my situation, but the waythat they're stuck like this HURTS. It physically HURTS me. This is why I don't really like genderswap media as before. If your hope was to get more people to read Bitter Change, that'll never be me. It just hurts my heart too much to bear. When I think of FtM peoples(btw if ur TransMasc, read the parenthesis below first

[@ayo_nik]

i found wandering son when i was in sixth grade. this and takako shimura’s yuri manga, Aoi Hana, remained my favorite manga for years and probably still are. but both went on a hiatus that agonized me before getting their rushed, disappointing endings. it’s bitter sweet to find out what i thought were love letters to the life i was leading that resonated with me as a kid, were just the result of a cis woman who explored a concept with no planning. to me, they’re still some of the most respectful manga depicting trans/gay kids, and stay with me even now at almost 30 years old because of the solace it provided me all those years ago. however, watching this and being reminded of the plot points of wandering son-and what i had wanted for the ending of it-i couldn’t help but think of I Saw the TV Glow. wandering son is more realistic, with istvg being surreal, but both remain uncomfortable and confronting. and both end on a melancholic but hopeful note. they’re two stories of growing up trans that found me at such different times in my life but impacted me so similarly. thank you for making this video.

[@RickiHirsch]

For what it's worth. I don't think it's just a cis woman exploring things for no reason. Throughout her career she's put out some incredibly empathic and grounded depictions of queer life from childhood to adolescence and adulthood. I don't think she'd put the decades of effort in if she didn't really care about the subjects she was writing about. Unfortunately, she's also admitted she can't seem to write endings well. Aoi Hana's ending in particular is still a sore spot for me.

[@WizbizMcBrix]

Looking forward to having this on while I'm at work tonight, your vids are some of my favorite things to have on while I work on something that doesn't require much in the way of thought so I can stay engaged. Edit: And now I'm crying at work. I need to get back into therapy, because it occurs to me that you're right. About a great many things, but in this case specifically the painful comfort of comparing myself to a version of me that cannot exist. The thoughts of "if only I were born a girl" and writing what amounts to fan fiction of an AU me bringing a cold comfort, that only becomes harmful to more I dwell upon it. I've gotta go find a broom closet I can have an emotional break down in. Sincerely thank you, Ricki.

[@RickiHirsch]

It took me a long time to realize that making up this counterfactual version of myself was doing more harm than good in the long run. Hopefully putting this out there might save some folks some time and trouble. Wishing the best for you.

[@NeoNinja340]

This video hurt me in the best possible way. As a closeted trans woman, afraid to be myself to the people around me, so much of this hit so close to home. Seeing that support is possible? Acceptance is possible? Love is possible. Makes me feel hopeful...at least a little bit. Top-notch work as always, Ricki, thank you.

[@Lucy-Morningstar-]

Your videos are consistently soul warming, I don't know how you do it.

[@RickiHirsch]

That's very flattering. I just try to focus on topics I care about and hope that comes across in the final product.

[@aduckinlingerie]

I can never go through one of your videos without crying. Thank you for sharing your experience. Your videos never fail to make me bawl my eyes out over dysphoria while simultaneously making me look forward to my future as a trans adult by reassuring me that things will get better. Your videos always show the good and ugly parts of being trans and how these things are kind of beautiful in a way. It makes me feel really appreciative of my identity to hear your thoughts on the full trans experience as a way of thinking about dysphoria and not fully resenting it? I’m not sure how to explain it maybe it’s just the thought that so many of us struggle similarly with dysphoria and how no matter how suffocating it might feel sometimes we can still survive it.

[@RickiHirsch]

Suffocating is a good framing for dysphoria but we're never alone with it even if it looks different for everyone. My experience has also been that getting through the hard moments has also helped me realize that I'm a stronger person than I thought. Wishing you the best.