Coping with being BLAMED by the narcissist

[@ruthe71]

People really can’t understand unless they’ve been in a narcissistic relationship and don’t appreciate just how exhausting and soul destroying it really is.

[@surayalalloo8667]

Agree wholeheartedly

[@reginakamau5769]

True..

[@susanzimmer1776]

I'm with you!!!! I stayed at the party WAY too long,45 YEARS

[@JoulesCraft]

@ruthe71 especially when our "love" is a vulnerability for their attacks. I wasn't even in a relationship with anyone in 2022, yet groups of narcs or toxic criminals or straight up evil unempathetic people used my son against me since I had normal maternal love for my child. Why do evil people attack our feelings of love and empathy? It's very destructive to their victims, even if when we try to show care and love for them, maybe that just reinforces their abusive degrading ways.

[@turnbacktime65]

You are so right! Perfect words..exhausting and soul destroying.

[@NarcSurvivor]

The narcissist will blame you everything. Even things that they have done to you. They have a very unrealistic sense of holding you accountable for everything. And that is how you should know that you’re not dealing with a rational person. You always have to be more and do more. You always have to correct everything. They never have to step up to be a better person. They’re like an unruly child that never develops into an emotionally mature adult.

[@Poohbear2025]

Speaking 🗣 facts, they can't ever take responsibility for their selves. And it is always someone else's thought!

[@serena1261]

Perfectly articulated!!!

[@Gilbert-vb3zo]

I totally agree with you or there just big successful kids that like hurting people and take no responsibility for their behavior. It's because caring about people is just part of that mask. I admit Ive messed up in the past. But they don't like to let you move on and get better. And then that's just part of their narcissistic behavior. They just don't want you to have anything better. Or really anyone to like you. They do a lot of plotting.

[@jamesestes3787]

I absolutely agree! A petulant child that can’t take any responsibility and throws tantrums until you bend to their thoughts and ideas.

[@CeriSnow-un7jn]

"Look what YOU made ME do."

[@youngblood8540]

Narcissists love and live for taking you on a "First Class, Guilt Trip" and you paying for all the expenses.

[@alexas.5287]

Agreed. Probably one of the biggest red flags that someone has endured narcissistic abuse is them experiencing disproportionate guilt in response to everyday mistakes. They might also over-apologize and go too far to make it up to someone. They're also often the first people to blame themselves, even when it isn't their fault.

[@maryyoung4046]

@@alexas.5287 me

[@AllenaMedina]

After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!

[@enrique-villa]

I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??

[@AllenaMedina]

Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Claudia Vecchi Nese .

[@AllenaMedina]

She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸

[@AllenaMedina]

After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.

[@jamesrsweeney]

God is more than enough for us, and his mercy is new every morning. Hallelujah🎉🎉🎉♥️

[@Judyjlefebvre]

The best thing I did in my life was walk away from a toxic family. Growing up in a toxic family system only taught me how to attract more of the same. In my 60s, living & fighting many autoimmune diseases like hypothyroidism, sclerodema, IBS, celiac, and osteoarthritis. My life is peaceful and without drama now. Just how I always dreamed of.

[@llb6234]

Kudos for your courage. These families will destroy your health.

[@spinnettdesigns]

Me too! Please do try Somatic Experiencing (Dr Peter Levine) and Block Therapy (Deanna Hansen) Tapping (Brad Yates) they are free here on KZbin and they have been life changers for my body.

[@lilyghassemzadeh]

👏👏👏

[@spinnettdesigns]

I am your age and have gotten rid of all of those symptoms. It’s with body work. If you look up Somatic Experiencing (Peter Levine) Block Therapy (Deanna Hansen) and Tapping (Brad Yates, Ortners and many others) they are all free here on YT. I recommend the book •Feeling Buried Alive Never Die” Karol Truman. If you do these things your body will recover some or all of its normal function. I’ve gotten over chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, decades of CPTSD and depression, lead poisoning, cancer and other things. Investing in yourself is the anecdote to abuse. 🙏🏻

[@audreygregis8721]

This one line is priceless...."Telling someone in a narcissistic relationship to try harder is like telling them to drain the ocean with an eyedropper." BEST line ever! When you are a survivor, once in a while you have to find the humor.❤

[@Armychick]

When my narcissistic dad died 10 years ago, I thought it would end, but my sister just picked up right where he left off. I am so glad I found you because now I have peace and recognize it. I’m 56 years old and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

[@rosec6680]

Same thing happened to me with my two brothers after my father died. No contact for nearly two decades, until one contacted me in 2022 telling me he had terminal brain cancer, and wanted me to know I have a young niece. It sounds awful but I felt like saying It's too late now, I live on the other side of the world. I felt guilt until I talked myself off the cliff again. I had to tell myself, it wasn't my fault.

[@minorytka3163]

Sounds like my family of origin: my father died almost 40 years ago and he has a great heir of his narcissistic personality style in my oldest brother. Needless to say, the contact is down to a minimum, especially after our mom died a few years ago.

[@Jay-ql4gp]

My mother is the narcissist. My younger sister is the golden child. My younger brother the invisible one. I know it won't really be over after she dies. But I still wait for the day when she's gone.

[@JoulesCraft]

@Armychick I cut out and ended all toxic relations, yet they had a funny way of sneaking back unwelcome all the time, even after a decade of no contact, even if one moves across the country and avoids relations. Why did your sis pick up where he left off? How were you able to find peace? I have not succeeded in being free from toxic family or any toxic local abusive person or social service worker who has tried to dodge accountability. Why did they go after our children and everything we loved for wellbeing? Since when was social services tasked to inflict such a major level of psychological torture attacks against their vulnerable victims of innocent children and families? They were supposed to protect innocent civilians, not drag us into whatever political and judicial battles they had among themselves. We didn't need any psych torture boot camp. @Armychick, how did you stop what you couldn't take anymore?

[@cyndim8785]

@@rosec6680What a narc thing to do. No contact and as soon as they have an illness they call you for empathy.

[@Sheisme120]

It is not the victim’s responsibility to try hard enough with a narcissist, nor is it safe. Nobody’s asking if the abuser tried hard enough.🙄

[@SL-bo7ui]

“Telling someone to try harder is actually sadistic - it’s setting them up for more abuse”. 🎤 drop

[@sivan3125]

Dr. Ramani is the MENTAL HEALTH "WHISPERER".

[@carolzappa1804]

Dr. Ramani is definitely spot on when it comes to identifying and explaining the Narcissistic personalities and behaviors, and how those who have had the misfortune of being deeply connected to one (or many) are made to feel, just for loving and/or caring for them.

[@sivan3125]

@@carolzappa1804 🎯💯‼️

[@erinward2983]

@@carolzappa1804 just for loving and/or caring for them. Yes.

[@MrFreeze29]

People that make you work in a reationship are never good partners. The ones that are always touting their love language saying you have to cater to them by giving them things constantly. They make you apologize for things you didn't do. They want you to make peace with them after they declare war only for them to start it up again and again.

[@wendykarle3114]

Omg. So much of this.

[@lynnanderson1923]

The love language thing is exhausting. We're supposed to be able to read their minds and know exactly what they want and if we don't fulfil that there is hell to pay

[@kim.mie.]

I gave my absolute ALLLL. I drained my own soul and destroyed everything about me to make it work. You are right that I was STUCK and desperate to survive. I will NEVER allow myself to go through that again 😢😢

[@n177y]

This sounds like me

[@wendykarle3114]

When I just read what you wrote, I thought, did I write that? 💯 % relatable!

[@jonathanscarletmusic]

Yes to all of that

[@syedafatima8119]

So did I. I turned into a doormat for my narcissistic mother to walk on, and she still discarded me like a used tissue. It's almost a year since I went no contact. I'm actually happy...just glad to wake up each morning, glad to see how many small blessings I have. Whenever this happens to you, just be glad that it happened. Don't worry about how long it took to get there.

[@brightbite]

These are the same types of people who will tell you, "If you're not successful, it means you are lazy and just haven't worked hard enough!" (And what that ultimately translates into is: "I am not going to support you in any way, no matter how difficult your life has actually been.") It really is like telling someone that they can fly if they flap their arms hard enough.

[@TheKrispyfort]

Sounds like Morgan Freeman & Phillip McGraw arguing how failed socioeconomic status is a choice. SUGGESTION: the Adam Grant book 'Hidden Potential' - it's helped me realise that it's how far you've come from where you started more-so than where you currently are that shows your grit

[@jamesestes3787]

I love this and you are so right! You can never do enough for a narcissist person. They don’t see you as anything other than an emotional supply for their twisted thinking.

[@lindac6919]

Yes...AND they expect you to work on THEIR behalf, while they suck the life out of you.

[@giftedwithin7]

True

[@TheKrispyfort]

I just realised that this is the situation I'm facing in my local volunteer first responder unit. Yeah, fuq going inactive. I'm quitting quitting. The behaviour of these people is disgusting.

[@Buddha77725]

Self-doubt is a killer

[@BuckleyThompson]

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective [e-mail] for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

You can’t win no matter what you do. I’m criticized gaslit invalidated shamed and blamed by the narcs/enablers, no matter how hard I try, how much I give, or whether I stay /go or whatever I do. It doesn’t matter with some people. So tired of it. Working on rewriting my self narrative, keeping healthy boundaries, and finding safe people. Focusing on my life. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@jamesestes3787]

I wish you all the best in your journey of healing! It is a tough road and a lot of reprogramming your brain to find and love yourself again. You will win over the narcissist! Just know you are loved by a community of people who understand your pain! ❤️❤️❤️

[@kateholmes4536]

I had a narcissistic mom and I gravitated to a terrible narcissist/ sociopathic marriage. I got out. I processed the drama/trauma from my mom and him. I’ve taken the time to heal and deal with my self sabotage from alcoholism and my own narcissistic tendencies. Things are different now. There is ongoing healing. Thank you for all your information, direction and support to the public who have been stuck and so injured in these toxic relationships. Kudos to you!

[@triciadreas9835]

Prayers you find a way to heal. God would be a wonderful option 🙏 ❤

[@kateholmes4536]

@@triciadreas9835 Yes, he/she is with me. Thank you!

[@susanzimmer1776]

How did you find peace???

[@susanzimmer1776]

Prayers are the best! Just talking to God, I feel like I have a great friend 🙏

[@kateholmes4536]

@@susanzimmer1776 A lot of work but specifically after much therapy I did the 12 steps as written in the big book of AA, and it was in step 4, I found understanding, forgiveness and love. My mom has passed and I pray she has figured stuff out on the other side.

[@erinward2983]

It’s almost deafening to hear someone blame you for being abused or even accuse you of “victimhood” after/during abusive narcissistic relationships. I’ve been blamed and told to keep trying. It’s a passive, empty way to respond to a cry for help. It crushes the spirit and can impede healing. Especially when you’ve put enough trust into someone to share your feelings and seek help to sort through it all. Though so true, all of the “world doesn’t understand” goes out the window in those moments.

[@ForsTravels]

Literally happened to me over the weekend. It's so triggering.

[@sharicoburn5475]

Yup! When I told a partner about my abusive older brother he said I must have deserved it. What small child deserves abuse?

[@annalisavajda252]

I think years of abuse just make people less tolerant and ptsd makes people hypervigilant and aware of manipulative tactics also you really can't be as trusting anymore and need to re-establish boundaries even with people maybe you knew years earlier that expect you to be you but you are not the same anymore.

[@erinward2983]

@@annalisavajda252 What you said about ptsd/people expecting you to be the same really hit home. I learned PTSD changed me while in school. I always learned quickly and enjoyed it. But after an assault tied into some undeniable betrayal by my narc parent, (at a time I needed support), I realized the impact of trauma. I read one page of a textbook so many times I lost count. I couldn’t recall any of it. I didn’t know to what extent, but reality hit: my brain had done some rewiring; I had a lot to process and wasn’t the same. There’s grief. I burst into tears. I wanted so badly to move forward, and I really believed hitting the books was the ticket to getting back to “me,” but it felt like my brain wouldn’t let me pass through without paying attention to that trauma. I burst into tears. Trauma changes us and everything. We get stuck. Hypervigilance sucks the life out of us if we don’t set aside time to heal. Trauma doesn’t just move aside for us. It requires us to reprioritize. And life looks different from there on out. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been there. But we are resilient.

[@barb7124]

My mom told me I deserved it

[@kennethfreeman4041]

My ex was always angry about something. To fix that, she insisted that I needed to go to anger management classes so she wouldn't be angry anymore.

[@springBloomsinAwe]

Ridiculous

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

It probably wasnt funny at the time you had to live it (at all), but it is pretty funny when you summarize it like this 😄

[@yukio_saito]

I've had enough to try hard enough. 😮‍💨

[@notagain779]

I've heard "Try harder." Also: "Unconditional love will work." I ask , "How would you like to jump into a cauldron of boiling oil?"

[@grammyspa-jammies1737]

I was asked, "What can YOU do to make things better?" I never answered that question because my answer would have been, NOTHING. And that would have gotten me in more hot water. I'm so glad I'm out and I'm NOT going back for a 4th round! Yes, I went back 3 other times out of guilt, fear and loneliness. Not any more!

[@AlbertoSalviaNovella]

You nailed it.

[@blackbird7665]

I got the courage to divorce my ex 2 years ago, after 13 years of twisting myself into a pretzel to make him happy or convince myself that everything is okay. He was furious and made himself out to be a victim to anyone who would listen. Especially our daughter, who has been damaged by this in ways I might not even be able to see yet. He's told her very intimate, private things about our relationship that no child should hear. He's successfully and in ways, unsuccessfully tried to alienate her from me. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. I will, always and forever, be the bad guy. All because I left and refused to endure more abuse.

[@jamesestes3787]

I feel your pain and what you’ve been through! I am grateful to have not have had children with my ex, as I can only imagine the extra grief and suffering that comes with protecting your child. I wish you the best in your healing and raising your daughter! ❤️❤️❤️

[@wendy788]

Our relationship ended 20 years ago through marriage guidance counselling and now he is trying to take my disabled daughter off me using government agencies, backstabbing and trying to put me down so he can make me look bad and win....does it ever end

[@thedailymakermaking]

Thank you for making this video. I tried harder for 50 years. It goes nowhere good.

[@lindac6919]

You said it.

[@PamelaMcIntyre-d1j]

An acquaintenance once called me a quitter, "can't stick with it" for leaving after 10 years. I told him quite the contrary- I stayed WAY too long, and should have left after one year or less.

[@hearme119]

Had I tried any harder, I would have lost myself. 💔

[@LoucriciaBrown]

I am still exhausted 😩 the Mocking me was the worst.

[@SuzannaLiessa]

"Did you try hard enough?" Then there's the "educated" response: have you considered couple's counseling? That one is a real sledge hammer.

[@georgirancour198]

mine was ocd. i quit cleaning every minute of every day of my life and the complaining and criticism stayed exactly the same. it really freed up hours a day. and sanity. and life. am free now

[@mindovermatter2day]

Dr Ramani I could not figure out why my only parent my mother behaved the way she did towards me. You can’t change who your parents are and avoid narcissism but you can work on becoming independent and get away from them. I was shoved out of the family at 15. Locks changed on the doors and clothes put in a trash bag outside the door after being physically assaulted . I was not on drugs, nor did I drink, made good grades in school, and had never had a boyfriend but this happened. At first it took me years to understand what happened but I eventually did. I survived and at a young age learned independence and feel now, thanks to your books and videos I know that I was better off out of that home and away from that family . I’m safe with animals and stick to myself and work, and decided to NOT bring children into this world with half of a horrible family that I have. Why contribute to the craziness? But don’t ever think you haven’t made a preventative impact on us survivors. You have.

[@soniahathaway1]

You are so brave and strong, and I hope you appreciate that. 💕

[@1o1carolina53]

Resolve to take MASSIVE ACTION. ask someone close for help Plan AND LEAVE

[@sarahparker4108]

Thank you. Just had an argument with mine last night, and boy, did it go right along with this video. 25 years and I can't leave. I'm just realizing just how much these things are not normal.

[@syedafatima8119]

Get out the first chance you get. Until then, go gray rock. It helps. You gotta protect yourself

[@MeineAC]

Omg this is soooo true ! I lost 12 years of my life asking myself “did I try hard enough?!” 😢

[@t_nels]

Thank you for exposing this and opening others to understanding. 🌹

[@susanzimmer1776]

This is SO enlightening!!! I'm not the only one!!! 🎉

[@JT0007]

She recently blamed me for our kids being unhappy-because I had left her. She’s the one who made our lives hell 🤷‍♂️

[@joy-barelite]

I told myself to try harder. I was perpetuating my own harm.

[@brynnleapierce5600]

The more I learned about Narcissism the realization of it allowed me clarity on what was going on 👉 everything they perceived as bad that happened to them including anyone whom they felt “wronged them” the Narcissist would project onto “you”‼️ You would always be blamed no matter what 👉 you will catch all their shame‼️

[@alhana8293]

Thank you Dr. Ramani Perfect timing. I just lashed out at my husband who keeps telling me to try harder with my toxic family. He just doesn't get it. I was just telling him that he's blessed to have his family who's nothing like mine. It's frustrating because he just keeps telling me that this should work or that should work but no matter what I do, NOTHING works! I REALLY needed this validation. THANK YOU.

[@syedafatima8119]

My husband used to be like that until he visited a few times at my narcissistic mother's house and came in for his share of abuse. Because he's a good guy and very respectful of elders, he put up with it, but he stopped telling me to try harder at improving the relationship. It still took the 2 of us decades before we cut her out of our lives. Don't defend yourself in front of your husband. Let him get to see your mother's horrible true self..it will eventually reveal itself.

[@hopewendover8474]

Thank you so much for these videos . I am sitting here in tears thanking my God that someone truly understands and helped me understand, that I am enough! I do matter! I am not to blame! And I DID TRY HARD ENOIGH! Thank you , thank you thank you! ❤❤❤

[@the-writerofmyownstory]

I’m right there with you on this!

[@lottie6462]

I tried harder for 30 years, so I can take the blame for going no contact. My husband can deal with his mother without me and I enjoy not being in her presence.

[@lindac6919]

Dr R, thank you for pointing out how much the world expects YOU to try harder. No one else has to try. YOU have to try. It's soul-crushing when no one understands. But not today, Narky Nark Nark!

[@sstritmatter2158]

Gaslighting, blame, making you out to be a bad person. Yup, sounds familiar way back when. I don't miss my narcissist, just angry at myself I got HAD and how I didn't see it? Well, I had no idea about this type of person and information wasn't readily available on it (that I saw) 25 years ago. It seems I am not unique as wonderful people in the psychological community, absolutely including you Dr. Ramani, who have done a lot of presentations on it. It's like being attacked by some unknown animal and when described to a wildlife biologist they say "oh, that was an X!" It feels good at least to know, kind of like locating that splinter I couldn't reach then getting it pulled out. Yes, it is sore but it feels much better than leaving it in there to make it worse and an infection. The healing from it is up to me, and largely have healed since we weren't together that long, but not something I will forget, either.

[@MsGlitterBombz]

Looking back, i know i tried SO HARD - i tried everything to make it work! so I might punch someone if they ever told me to try harder lol. He didnt try at all.

[@StephenGangi]

One of us! One of us! One of us! Damn I feel this. This is one of my Big Red Buttons.

[@patriciahilburn3303]

What's really difficult is when it's your adult child and you never saw it. You just kept catering to them to make them happy. Then one day they are angry, have been holding grudges, passive aggressive for things you did or didn't do right years ago. It's insane. I realized I cannot do anything right, even though I have catered to her. The blame shifting and gas-lighting - OH MY! And then the condemnation with no chance of redemption no matter how much you repent and apologize for things you didn't even know you did or things you didn't even do, just to make this insanity go away. There is no chance of redemption and then the punishing and condemnation. IT'S HORRIBLE! Thank you Dr. Rama, and all the others I have listened to. I was going nuts. Our grandchildren are now being used as tools and weapons as punishment against us. Our daughter has been like this since her teenage years, I just never saw it. She rages at me when I say anything she doesn't like (to shut me down), and of course I cower. It's belittling and shaming. She lords over me and I have allowed this for years. But no more. Unfortunately, this means we have had to walk away from our beautiful grand children who loved us so much. I could even feel my daughters jealousy because her children loved us so much. It's so sick to use your children as weapons. As I look back now I see her lack of empathy, except for herself. I told her, a relationship like this is like navigating a landmine, you know you're going to get your leg blown off, but you just don't know when. I have lived in fight and flight for over 15 years with her. I just didn't understand my feelings at the time. The day she moved out of the house I was so relieved because I wasn't being screamed at anymore, and yes, there were times I would scream back. I just couldn't take it. She was better for awhile and then all of a sudden she just got worse after she moved farther away and I wasn't able to be there all the time helping. She makes up stuff she says I say and I know I wouldn't say that. Now that I look back she use to do this as a teenager and I would say in a joking way "Oh, that must be you're other mother who said that!" I believe she's been gaslighting me for years, I just didn't know what this was. She got everything she wanted, no chores, cars, trips and had to do nothing. Catered to her and she was ungrateful and disrespectful nearly all the time. If I could go back I would not do that again. I just wanted her to be happy. I wish there was more on narcissistic adult children. It's been a nightmare, I would not wish this on anyone. It's heart wrenching. We love our daughter, but man she is mean, and even her children shutter when she screams at them. In fact, when she was scolding us two of our grandchildren got up on my lap, I didn't even notice because I was so in shock from her behavior and in fear of the repercussions (which happened). The kids were either defending me or in fear of her behavior too. I hope someday she can change, I know it's possible, but she has to look at herself; and we all know that's not what they do.

[@itzzzsarinasworld9415]

I still have nightmares where I try to please him and he doesn't validate me. I wake up feeling so ashamed for trying so hard and still feeling guilty and hurt. This video came on the right time. I did do more than enough, but for them it will never be enough. F it, im out and staying out. Thnx ramani for keeping us on the right track and taking away our doubts and for validating us. You really helped me so much in this in this process and im forever greatfull, because of your insights I finally understood what was happening and I found the strenght to break loose.

[@abigailkendrick]

It’s amazing the things my mother has blamed me for over the years.. as a little kid she blamed me for her divorce from her second husband who she was a terrible mismatch to .. they fought constantly and when he finally left she turned to me and said,”thank you for wrecking my marriage.” She said this to a little girl who had also lost her father to abandonment. Now I can laugh at the crazy stuff she blames me for. In her mind whenever something goes wrong someone must be blamed and since it can never be her fault it defaults to me. Now she’s older but she still tries it when I visit. It’s sad that she’s never grown.

[@Candy-O1776]

I’m so sorry for you, that wasn’t fair to that little girl.

[@abigailkendrick]

@@Candy-O1776thank you 💗

[@pixiedoodledust]

I am so sorry your mother did this to you. It was not your fault ❤

[@abigailkendrick]

@@pixiedoodledust thank you 💗

[@maryellengodfrey]

My Mom said that she was going to die within 6 months and that it would be my fault because I would not let her live with my husband and me. She died about 4 months later. ( she knew she was sick ) . She did apologize to me on the phone before she died though. Does that count? Counts a little, yes.

[@Jay-ql4gp]

Right? No matter what I did, it was never enough. Ever. When I tell people my mom is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat they go, "Oh" and just don't get it. They understand the word, but not the context. One of the worst enablers (family especially-my sister the golden child is the worst) are the, "But that's your mom!" arguments. But those of us who've had our childhood stolen from us, who've been made strangers to it, who've been totally alone in a house full of people all treating you with the same sneering contempt, we know...bad people have kids, too. To anyone reading this, just because they're a parent, you didn't and do not deserve to go through it any more.

[@Kath26124]

For them it will be never enough. Unrealistic expetations that will never be met.

[@minorytka3163]

Dr Ramani, I have to thank you for all your videos on this channel. Thank you for making me understand how these relationships "work". Just the other day my husband answered me in a rude manner and I walked away. He followed me and started to tell me that he said nothing wrong and my "perception is always off". My educated by you brain screamed "gaslighting!" so I said "thank you for your opinion" and went to do my housework. No argument, no supply for him, no doubts and self-examination followed by self-blame. I did not end up sad and broken because I KNEW this was gaslighting. Thank you for educating me on these issues. I will always owe my moments of peace to you.

[@cindistrickland2966]

You are so correct on so many levels, they think their saints, I was called a liar, he always did what he wanted, when and with who, my own daughter told he was going to another woman's house, he denied at first but I had talked to her he was pissed but said nothing happened. Then my daughter took his side after divorce, 34 years , he broke me in all ways. I felt like I died in that driveway on one of my last trips moving, felt like he ripped my heart and soul right out of me by his actions and the look was Evil but I'm the crazy one. So sad but I went no contact with him and most of my kids, grandkids. I got the mat and ge got the chair at their table so I finally submitted I'm done, I forgive and bless them for my own peace.

[@swapnilapraharaj3493]

“It’s always a losing game with the narcs. Something or the other.” Words of wisdom.

[@TreasureDeal]

I have to thank you for popping up in my feed about a year ago. I didn't know about narcissists. My mother trained my daughter. Mom is gone, but my daughter learned everything. She threw me out of what was supposed to be my forever home when I was 73. I was forced to move 2 states away and go no contact. You've taught me so much. I'm so grateful. I watch you a lot. And a couple others to learn how to heal, cope, and be a better person. Thank you for all you do for us. ❤

[@virginiajackson8437]

This was my place of work for years! GOD got me out now for 4 years I'm very grateful 🙏

[@mignonbaricevic36]

I have been told so many times to be a better daughter, wife, etc. Gets so exhausting and the frustration is so ridiculous that you first want to run or die, then you just get crazy angry that they can say such outrageous things. I told someone of outright abuse and the person listening literally said, and what have YOU done to love HIM this week?! It always gets switched. "We broke ourselves trying" pretty much sums it up. I've cut everyone off as they don't understand. I have to talk in court cases to prove to myself I'm not crazy

[@samiraaparazita1420]

Also, when you have narcissistic/abusive/toxic family/partner, people tend to see it as a fault in you instead of the aggressor. Like it’s your fault to be abused or to complain about it. Makes it so mich harder to seek help as people will look down upon you.

[@maevebutler4641]

When i did finally end that toxic entanglement I didn't give "a rats ass" as to who thought what I had finally decided i was finished & got my final safety order followed by divorce proceedings which went uncontested My youngest was 18yrs old by then I would still be there had i listened to those who were both ignorant of Narcissistic abuse & those toxic enablers and flying monkeys that had kept me stuck for years I had two dependable and supportive friends back then & still present in my life That marriage felt like going back into the boxing ring each time i was loved bombed A type of psychological mind f....each time I almost always went to court alone, i had become the " lone ranger" I honestly didn't need anyone to support me by then It took way too long to get out after years of that trying harder, i used to believe it had all been my fault Thank you DrRamini for being "the renegade " I wouldn't have made it this far without your guidance Thank you.

[@hollyblumenthal8492]

Love you, Dr Ramani.❤ Once again, gems of wisdom sprinkled throughout. Asking "did you try hard enough?" is sadistic, sending the survivor back in to be hurt again. "Everyone stays in narcissistic relationships too long." Sooo true and then when we leave, we feel stupid and guilty that we didn't get out sooner. Not stupid. Not our responsibility that they chose to be abusive. Thank you for all your insights and perspective! 🦋♥️🦋

[@lfn086]

This is exactly what im going through. Thank you for bringing sanity to this insanity.

[@Kot_Daphne]

Thank you!

[@monicadasilva1145]

"just be the better person" is what I've been told numerous times... Eyes opened, heart sore and clarity gained. 🙏✨ Thank you for holding space for us all

[@angelaf2654]

Dr. R, it’s like you read my journal and answered some of my darkest pain points. Thank you for all that you do to let the light in and help so many people feel less alone!

[@csfiskus610]

I didn't realize to what capacity people can be malicious and cruel. To be sure, I had the misfortune of running into such people and was often blamed for their behavior by them and their enablers as well as told to change myself to be the version they prefer and accept them for who they are, regardless of how horrible they treated me. For this reason, I am grateful for this channel. Being constantly put on the defense is exhausting and debilitating.

[@jennifervanhook4924]

My "support" community told me I was playing the victim, and to stop blaming and take accountability. This kept me in abusive relationships, being abused, being told by the narcs that I was to blame, and then that being confirmed by my "support" people that, yes, i was in fact to blame. Sick sick sick. As soon as I learned about this, it all clicked into place. I now only surround myself with people who get it. Still trying to heal from decades of abusive programming

[@privateinfo1711]

NPD is such a complicated condition. People see different symptoms and don't realize what's going on. A narc may have a world of people who think they're wonderful.

[@sunshinedance9701]

Each of your videos is such an extreme support. Thank you for each word you bring into this wo🙏❤️

[@kathleen4688]

Thank you, @DoctorRamani every video is spot on!!!

[@peachesmcgee4795]

Argh! They're crazy making! My sister has made my life hell since we were teenagers and somehow manages to turn it around as if i'm the problem.

[@TheGeorgenc40]

I certainly didn't have it as bad as her ex who shot himself in the head and became permanently disabled and devalued before I met her but I was financially drained and 'devalued' when she broke up with me. Thank you for your wisdom and insights. God Bless You Dr. Ramani! 😇

[@robinantonio8870]

My narc mother wont ask my golden child sister to do anything for her, only scapegoat child me( mother knows she wont help so wont ask ). But when mother was in hospital and sister offered to help( but then had excuses why she couldn't), mother told me sister couldn't do it because she would accidentally let the cats out and that would be MY fault... later she claimed not to remember saying that.

[@supernova11711]

Of course…they NEVER “remember” saying the things you call them out on. My mother is the same way. At least she used to be…I haven’t spoken to her in almost a year and never plan to again.

[@raysand2557]

OMG, that's horrible! So, it would be your fault if your sister is careless and lets the cats out?! What? Narcs have an infinite capacity to blameshift.

[@joywebster2678]

Went to my mother's deathbed at the hospital. Sisters I haven't seen in 15 yrs were there. Mom and her flying monkeys. Mom was unconcious, so I bent to kiss her farewell on her cheek, saying I'll leave. My one sister had gotten so close I didn't see her, and gas I stepped back lightly bumped into her. She started screaming 911, I've been assaulted, over and over. I apologized for bumping her. She wouldn't stop screaming. I'm a RN so I told her to STOP disturbing other patients. She grabbed my purse and threw it out in the hall hitting a passing Nurse, and reached for my phone to throw. I refused to let go, she broke my finger. Security arrived. I explained I was trying to leave but this psychosis throwing my belongings around. I was banned from the hospital. Drove the 2 hrs home with broken finger, since I was banned from that hospital. Cops were waiting to arrest me for " attempted murder" of dying 94 yr old narc mom, and assault on my sister. Showed them my bent swollen finger, and asked how a kiss on a cheek was deadly? Explained the inadvertent bump...and sisters response. Cops were furious, not at me, and the other city cops went to the hospital to reprimand her. In return they banned me from the funeral. OK. Then called middle 9f the night welfare Checks on me 2x. 4 Cops pundingbon my door at 3 a.m. narcissism by proxy. So I asked the cops to charge them with abuse of 911. Phew all over! Nope a month later comes the estate lawyer, with crap from sibling executors. So indeed you can cut contact, move away and there are still things that crop back up, once the primary Narcissist is dead. The other narcs/ flying monkeys go harder. None of its fair nor legal, but they do it.

[@mr.coffee6109]

It is sadistic to push someone back into chains by questioning their judgment. Narcissists are very different with an audience so ithers don’t see the baiting, the silence, the going for the jugular. Give a definitive “YES.” You are a blessing, Dr. Ramani (and you look great in a gentle yellow.)

[@mos8896]

Sadly, the only people who seemed to understand what I was dealing with end up being narcissistic. They would practically finish my story. Then try to take advantage.

[@emmarae4322]

I know I tried for way to long. You finally realize they never gave a crap about you.

[@prueaddy-z3r]

I just bought a home. A long time loan officer made a mistake. He gaslit, lied, made it my fault. I feel awful and scared and my realtor sees it. I’m being blamed for his mistake and so far the smear is being believed by his bank. So stressful. He says I didn’t do my part, the paperwork trail is obvious I did. Lifetime of self doubt and your talk to is timely and gold. I hurt and let go to stop suffering the way I have.

[@raquelduquedeestrada1129]

Never knew what this was until I was in one.. I am separated but Im not sure if I yet comprehend all the aspects of this. I know I loved very much, gave very much, and worked hard to maintain the love happiness etc., and yes I still question me!! I was fully into the relationship he was there part time or when he wanted to be there, a bit here or there.. I do feel lost, sad , lonely and exhausted. I am non directional because I was working towards one goal to have a healthy relationship, but definately it was one sided. Yes definately I was made to feel small, worthless insignificant, unless he wanted something , He had the capacity to be sweet and caring, loving even. They were crumbs… Thank you for explaining this, at least if I hear this enough it justifies my feelings,

[@Wimpiethe3]

As a kid you cannot cope because you trust the narc parent. You're not even aware it isn't you. All you can do is shoulder the guilt. Then hope you wake up to the reality of it in time before it grinds you down too far. Once you know is when this channel becomes a true treasure! Personal part; illustrative but not important to the point I made. So reading onward may waste your time. I need to vent a tiny bit. ;) I was having avoid/freeze trauma responses for years as a kid. (still do but that's my problem today, back then I was a kid). Simply couldn't function at times. The narc parent who was involved in the abuse done by the other parent (narc was the victim in part) then blamed me for having 'abnormal behaviour.' Even though I told that narc parent I triedmy best and asked for help. Nope, just guilt tripping year in and out. Shaming me for all it cost them. And of course the idea of therapy was used as a threat to keep me behaving 'normally.' Sigh that's a decade and a half ago now. I'm aware since over a year and been slowly rebuilding my own image in my mind. And trying to piece it all together. I may have found a therapist who get's it though. I'll just keep inching forward.

[@matikramer9648]

Dear doctor Ramani You saved me from a maddening depression 2,5 years ago, when I first time saw your clip. Don't remember already about what exactly My all whistles blew and all bells rang. Like someone pointed me FINALLY to the right direction. I'm really grateful My ex was diagnosed as NPD about 10 years ago by therapist family therapy sessions And my native family obviously if not narcissistic, so at least dysfunctional. I can now tell there were stories at least 3 last generations counting from my grandparents on both sides and ending with my generation. Though I'm starting only now, and at age 64, I finally have hope. And I thank you for saving me of suffering I have endured and might have endured, if I hadn't heard you then. Thank you

[@Genasinsight]

I had someone say: "you aren't up for a challenge." It made me so mad.

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

Ok, have not had this one yet, but i'll add it to my Cautionary List. So far i did get: "You are not flexible", "You are not open to change" (which is relatively close) 😁At least it becomes predictable ... Anything to not have to have an actual conversation about pros and cons, or having to deal with a "no" from your side.

[@Genasinsight]

@PantaRhei-wz5zn I was shocked. I think the boomers I'm surrounded by are particularly good at head-up- assness. I really think there's a generational association of narcissism with boomers. They were handed everything on a silver platter and it was super easy to go to school and get jobs. I've had to explain over and over that there's nowhere to rent a cheap apartment anymore, for example.

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

@@Genasinsight Ok, just consider the person a write off, do an internal eye roll, let it go and friendly walk away.. Alternatively (if its worth it to you to make more of a point ), kindly say: Well, I am open to a challenge, it’s just that i already looked at apartments and there does not seem to be much available in that price range. Of course, i do not have the background and expertise you have, so i am happy you did let me know these appts are out there. Can you send me the ones you know of ? Then politely smile, lightly touch their underarm, confidentially lean a little in towards them & say “I am so happy for your help with this, it really made my day” Then graciously bow out, and leave them. (Note: only do this when you can keep your face straight, with an open expression - do not use a sarcastic tone !) Funny to see how they’ll react. Of course they weren’t trying to help you, but you simply misunderstood their comment as an offer for help... it happens... after all, they also misunderstood your summary comment after prior research as well...

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

Ok, just consider the person a write off, do an internal eye roll, let it go and friendly walk away.. Alternatively (if its worth it to you to make more of a point ), kindly say: Well, I am open to a challenge, it’s just that i already looked at apartments and there does not seem to be much available in that price range. Of course, i do not have the background and expertise you have, so i am happy you did let me know they are out there. Can you send me the ones you know of ? Then politely smile, lightly touch their underarm, confidentially lean a little in towards them & say “I am so happy with your help with this, it really made my day” Then graciously bow out, and leave them. (Note: only do this when you can keep your face straight, with an open expression - do not use a sarcastic tone !) Funny to see how they’ll react. Of course they weren’t trying to help you, but you simply misunderstood their comment as an offer for help... it happens... after all, they also misunderstood your summary comment after prior research as well...

[@lynnebucher6537]

My ex husband tried to blame me for his alcoholism... Something he had long before we met, according to his college drinking buddy.

[@Trapanzano100]

cheating, drinking, losing their job - they blame you for everything And if you ask them, hey, have you done something wrong? that's where the NPD comes in.

[@olyabrenner3590]

Thank you for answering what happens when you get dragged back you get lost again you loose a bit more of you 😢😢it feels like you’re being eaten away

[@urvashi-rb9qy]

I once had a "friend" who knew how much i liked a guy. the boy was very charismatic and almost everyone loved him when they met him. she would pretend to be friends with me and paint all my habits as bad in front of this boy so that he can like her instead. but only after knowing him for a couple of years, i understood his need for constant drama and attention . he would start fights amongst girls for him to sit back and enjoy everyone's hurt. he would shower girls with undeniable love at the start but after some time, he would start getting bored by the person who developed feelings for him. i too was one of them. when my friend knew that i liked him back but he had no interest in me, she provoked me to go after him and confess up to him. god, that person stinked. i now realize the amount of toxic people i kept around myself for the sake of not being alone. this all became a habit because of my toxic family which taught me how people are supposed to belittle you, insult you and you have to suck it up and live with them as if nothing happened. thank gosh, not one of them is in my life anymore. healing to me and all narcissistic abuse survivors.

[@Dani-lc9hq]

People are simultaneously like "why didn't you just leave" and "you should have tried harder" smh

[@MarciMarsea]

I try / tried too hard. Now, as a senior adult I am faced with caregiving a husband of 20 years who has been verbally abusive through the years. I reached the end 5 months ago, but his illnesses struck, oddly, at the same time. Every time you use the word “stuck” it resonates with me, but … I am not yet convinced I am stuck. Thankfully a couple months ago I met a therapist who understands all of the associated trauma. While working through this, thank you. Your work is so important.

[@antenetteleo4502]

There was an enabler who said, "It was because I set boundaries and I changed, so the narcissist shouted at me and treated me badly". This pushed me in self doubt. I came across this video just then. Relapsing from a narc relation is full of bumps, not at all smooth. Videos like this really help. Thank you for the work you do Mam.

[@LSMH528Hz]

Yes, It's my fault I didn't arrange world peace and didn't made a cure for death yet. Also I manage the weather very bad, I'm soo sorry !

[@lanamulyar6021]

I got you beat! It's my fault for not considering his feelings before going through depression and grief for a couple years after my dad's sudden death! ... leaving him "abandoned"

[@cherinhunt9152]

Thnx 4 all ur help Dr! U have taught me how 2 survive a deadly marriage😢. I'm out now&lived 2 tell about it. I'm no contact 4 life.thnx again 4 all u do 4 survivers. God bless.

[@sgoldste02]

The problem I've had with some of the people in my support system has been: 1) Initial disbelief because they didn't see the side of my ex-wife of 28 years that I was describing, followed by 2) Fatigue of listening to me tell my side of the story. It's like I finally had this epiphany moment and wanted others to understand what I figured out, only to then be met by "Really? Are you sure you have this right? Or are you just a bitter ex?" and then just a general, "I'm bored, do we have to talk about this topic again?" My solution has been to talk less about it and let my ex embarrass herself with her own actions. Over time, these people are figuring out that what I was saying was true. But they need to come to this conclusion all by themselves. I can't force my story upon them.

[@carparthero]

@sgoldste02 hey bud, you don't have a "support" system there at all. if anything, they are "supporting" your ex. trying to explain and expose who and what a narcissist is about, is NOT going to work with most people. because narc abuse is such a paranormal life experience, it's beyond the scope of most people's life experience, and beyond their ability to have an open mind. most people unfortunately aren't going to really understand or care about something unless it affects or has happened to them. they are likely fully having their perception being manipulated by the narcissist. or they are equally as empathy impaired, and are all about enabling the narc, otherwise they might become the next target of the narc. if people are willing to at least listen to your side of the story, to draw an educated opinion, great. otherwise don't waste your time trying to explain your lived narc experience to people who are committed to misunderstanding you. cutting ties with consistently harmful people (narcs and enablers) isn’t enough. you must also cut ties with the version of you who allowed the poor treatment to continue for as long as it did. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@annjohnson8437]

Thank you! I needed to hear this this morning! ❤

[@brightbite]

The other quote is: "Maybe you ask too much of a person and out of a relationship!"

[@brianbrino4310]

Thank you once more for your excellent video and support! Love and happiness to you always!❤

[@MisssMolly]

If someone asks you “did you try hard enough?”, ask them what they know about narcissism and what you should have tried. Chances are, they wouldn’t be able to give you a valid answer on both of these questions. If someone actually knows what narcissism is all about, they would never ever have dared to ask you that question in the first place. ~ Me, a recovering survivor of a narc father, brother and twin sister

[@chad_mackinson]

One of the my weird exes often said: 'You didn't love me enough for me not to cheat on you!'. Well, whatever. I hope she wins the lottery twice a day, as long as she doesn't text/call/whatever me ever again.

[@JustNath2024]

Thank you sooooo much dr. Ramani ❣ for all your insights and this one, especially the timlyness of this particular post...literally had this conversation about staying too long and trying yet another way to make it work...this time in a work situation, got my boss in tears, about how she's doing het best and does everything she can and it just seems she can never get it right...after some hours of the after rush, I finally decided to end my contract, to get out of this toxic dynamic of manipulating, dominating and finished off with victim playing...have a knot in my stomach for over 5 months now, I've been trying for too long, it's never gonna work anymore for me over there. 💫🕊🐛💝🙏🏼💝🦋🕊💫

[@mytwicevideo]

Pierce Morgan had some backlash from mental health professionals over the interview with Baby reindeer and he then invited his enablers including a psychologist, that all agreed that he did the right thing pressing that woman and harassing her with the same question if she wrote 41000 emails until she said.. ok even if I had done this just to shut him up and move on.. and he took it as an admission that she did indeed write these emails. And he also addressed the psychologist: "Mr X, you are the best psychologist that I have ever encountered... what do you think about the whole thing?" and his response was "Yes, Pierce, you were ABOSULTELY RIGHT to ask those very important questions". Because he now has to get out of the situation and save his image and i do not know how this works but all those people are frequent on his show and maybe they get paid. Because Pierce of course does not have the qualifications to know which psychologist is the best. She would have probably been treated much better on Dr. Phil. Morgan also hates women.

[@wendystrong3827]

Have a narc sister. The whole family has walked on egg shells for years. Mom and dad are now gone and two sisters. My brother and I are now dealing with this demon. She is lying about us to everyone. She went so far as to get our lawyer (took care of mom's estate) to feel sorry for her.

[@JoulesCraft]

@wendystrong3827 Be careful since some admit they like to lie just for the fun of it and even use lawyers to lie for them. It seems such people work well with other demonic evil people in very hurtful ways, since some run their entire businesses as fearmongers in courts. I have a toxic sibling who admitted to trying to prove I was crazy, so she can take control over becoming my legal guardian and making me homeless as she sent me death threats. Was she looking for pity or just control?

[@TheShadyGarden333]

Perfect timing. Thanks Dr Ramani !

[@RajeshKankavlikar]

Trauma bond is the worst 💔

[@heidipringle3858]

I had a problematic relationship with my beautiful son. His charm controlled me so I was willing to constantly sacrifice my wellbeing so he could have an awesome life. He died young five years ago because of that awesome life . I know my son treated me terribly, while those around me tell me what a special relationship we had and how much he loved me. I feel terrible. I can't count all the ways I feel terrible. I know he treated me badly. I know this was not a great relationship for me. I know I lost myself, my sanity. But the worst part? I'm still lost ,and he is still the #1 voice in my head. It's crazy.

[@the-writerofmyownstory]

I’m sorry for your pain. It might be rumination and a need to figure something more out. You know now what you didn’t know then. Keep healing. I found journaling to be really helpful to get this stuff out of your mind and body.

[@heidipringle3858]

@@the-writerofmyownstory Thank you.

[@kdycruz]

I find out that many people don't have knowlege about what they are doing. When the narsisist looks like the hero and words doesnt help at all. Thanks for sharing, blessings 🙏

[@keariewashburn4680]

Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@rossanderson5243]

There is a blaming culture as well and the narrative does not support those whom are not as good at coping with their responsibility. The workplace is not good at training and so people find themselves susceptible to all the jealousy of the narcissistic influence, namely the competition, and the possessive nature of jealousy doesn’t enable someone to take ownership as they feel like an object of the narcissist. The narcissist never take ownership of their emotions and personality and all is projected.

[@audienceof14ever]

I know what happened to me. God knows too. That is all who needs to know.