Coping with being BLAMED by the narcissist

[@CP-pe9ul]

"Look what YOU made me do to YOU" said every narcissist.

[@Exiled.New.Yorker]

Oh, the Spawn Point loved that tune.

[@erinward2983]

“If you didn’t…then I wouldn’t...So maybe you shouldn’t…” I’ve heard that speech.

[@samsensation786]

“ look what you did to me” after they hurt me saying false things blaming me. Is this narcism?

[@sstritmatter2158]

oooh YES

[@erinward2983]

@@sstritmatter2158 the blame and twisting. So unsettling. Sometimes scary. Usually ridiculous.

[@ruthe71]

People really can’t understand unless they’ve been in a narcissistic relationship and don’t appreciate just how exhausting and soul destroying it really is.

[@surayalalloo8667]

Agree wholeheartedly

[@reginakamau5769]

True..

[@susanzimmer1776]

I'm with you!!!! I stayed at the party WAY too long,45 YEARS

[@JoulesCraft]

@ruthe71 especially when our "love" is a vulnerability for their attacks. I wasn't even in a relationship with anyone in 2022, yet groups of narcs or toxic criminals or straight up evil unempathetic people used my son against me since I had normal maternal love for my child. Why do evil people attack our feelings of love and empathy? It's very destructive to their victims, even if when we try to show care and love for them, maybe that just reinforces their abusive degrading ways.

[@turnbacktime65]

You are so right! Perfect words..exhausting and soul destroying.

[@NarcSurvivor]

The narcissist will blame you everything. Even things that they have done to you. They have a very unrealistic sense of holding you accountable for everything. And that is how you should know that you’re not dealing with a rational person. You always have to be more and do more. You always have to correct everything. They never have to step up to be a better person. They’re like an unruly child that never develops into an emotionally mature adult.

[@Poohbear2025]

Speaking 🗣 facts, they can't ever take responsibility for their selves. And it is always someone else's thought!

[@serena1261]

Perfectly articulated!!!

[@Gilbert-vb3zo]

I totally agree with you or there just big successful kids that like hurting people and take no responsibility for their behavior. It's because caring about people is just part of that mask. I admit Ive messed up in the past. But they don't like to let you move on and get better. And then that's just part of their narcissistic behavior. They just don't want you to have anything better. Or really anyone to like you. They do a lot of plotting.

[@jamesestes3787]

I absolutely agree! A petulant child that can’t take any responsibility and throws tantrums until you bend to their thoughts and ideas.

[@CeriSnow-un7jn]

"Look what YOU made ME do."

[@youngblood8540]

Narcissists love and live for taking you on a "First Class, Guilt Trip" and you paying for all the expenses.

[@alexas.5287]

Agreed. Probably one of the biggest red flags that someone has endured narcissistic abuse is them experiencing disproportionate guilt in response to everyday mistakes. They might also over-apologize and go too far to make it up to someone. They're also often the first people to blame themselves, even when it isn't their fault.

[@maryyoung4046]

@@alexas.5287 me

[@sushmayen]

They always blame us. We always feel conflicting emotions with them. They feel hurt whatever we do. We end up hurting ourselves with trauma bonding.

[@dianatenney7821]

Absolutely I always did as well with conflicting emotions, someone is always hurt by someone or something another has said or done in navigating a family or work environment!

[@LSMH528Hz]

They like hurt, pain, arguments and fights. It keeps their mind from being alone with themselves. Many have become kinda addicted to it.

[@dianatenney7821]

@@LSMH528Hz They make you want to say sorry I didnt create the world, after your mind has had plenty of it!

[@Earthether]

How Do we break the trauma bond

[@dianatenney7821]

@@Earthether I couldn't do without a psychologist helping me to unravel it all that was long ago, he never used the term trauma bond back then, I read books he advised and hit the internet to research words I never heard before, It's not an easy process if it's a marriage with children.

[@AllenaMedina]

After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!

[@enrique-villa]

I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??

[@AllenaMedina]

Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Claudia Vecchi Nese .

[@AllenaMedina]

She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸

[@AllenaMedina]

After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.

[@jamesrsweeney]

God is more than enough for us, and his mercy is new every morning. Hallelujah🎉🎉🎉♥️

[@CodeDusq1]

Even when they have nothing else to do they’ll find someone to blame for being bored.

[@olyabrenner3590]

They’ll pick on something to provoke something

[@erinward2983]

Or when they make a huge mess and say, “Nothing gets done unless I do it myself!” And when I offer to help she’d say, “No. this is my stuff; I gotta figure out what to do with it.” Or another day, I ask, “ What can I do? What needs to be done? “…I gotta organize the pantry.” I say, “well, I can do that.” She says, “No. I’ll do it later.” She gave a lot away when she got super-visibly upset when someone else heard me ask her what I could do. She said, “Oh, idk. I’m so overwhelmed…I just…idk what to do. I think I’m gonna sit down and take a break.” As soon as I walked away she got back up to start again…but these are the very least of my concerns. It’s just slightly annoying.

[@sivan3125]

Dr. Ramani is the MENTAL HEALTH "WHISPERER".

[@carolzappa1804]

Dr. Ramani is definitely spot on when it comes to identifying and explaining the Narcissistic personalities and behaviors, and how those who have had the misfortune of being deeply connected to one (or many) are made to feel, just for loving and/or caring for them.

[@sivan3125]

@@carolzappa1804 🎯💯‼️

[@erinward2983]

@@carolzappa1804 just for loving and/or caring for them. Yes.

[@Judyjlefebvre]

The best thing I did in my life was walk away from a toxic family. Growing up in a toxic family system only taught me how to attract more of the same. In my 60s, living & fighting many autoimmune diseases like hypothyroidism, sclerodema, IBS, celiac, and osteoarthritis. My life is peaceful and without drama now. Just how I always dreamed of.

[@llb6234]

Kudos for your courage. These families will destroy your health.

[@spinnettdesigns]

Me too! Please do try Somatic Experiencing (Dr Peter Levine) and Block Therapy (Deanna Hansen) Tapping (Brad Yates) they are free here on KZbin and they have been life changers for my body.

[@lilyghassemzadeh]

👏👏👏

[@spinnettdesigns]

I am your age and have gotten rid of all of those symptoms. It’s with body work. If you look up Somatic Experiencing (Peter Levine) Block Therapy (Deanna Hansen) and Tapping (Brad Yates, Ortners and many others) they are all free here on YT. I recommend the book •Feeling Buried Alive Never Die” Karol Truman. If you do these things your body will recover some or all of its normal function. I’ve gotten over chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, decades of CPTSD and depression, lead poisoning, cancer and other things. Investing in yourself is the anecdote to abuse. 🙏🏻

[@linzp8950]

i struggle thinking how much impact the narc family vs what my body was going to do anyways - i have multiple autoimmune illnesses. But so does my family. Is it a both and thing?

[@Armychick]

When my narcissistic dad died 10 years ago, I thought it would end, but my sister just picked up right where he left off. I am so glad I found you because now I have peace and recognize it. I’m 56 years old and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

[@rosec6680]

Same thing happened to me with my two brothers after my father died. No contact for nearly two decades, until one contacted me in 2022 telling me he had terminal brain cancer, and wanted me to know I have a young niece. It sounds awful but I felt like saying It's too late now, I live on the other side of the world. I felt guilt until I talked myself off the cliff again. I had to tell myself, it wasn't my fault.

[@minorytka3163]

Sounds like my family of origin: my father died almost 40 years ago and he has a great heir of his narcissistic personality style in my oldest brother. Needless to say, the contact is down to a minimum, especially after our mom died a few years ago.

[@Jay-ql4gp]

My mother is the narcissist. My younger sister is the golden child. My younger brother the invisible one. I know it won't really be over after she dies. But I still wait for the day when she's gone.

[@JoulesCraft]

@Armychick I cut out and ended all toxic relations, yet they had a funny way of sneaking back unwelcome all the time, even after a decade of no contact, even if one moves across the country and avoids relations. Why did your sis pick up where he left off? How were you able to find peace? I have not succeeded in being free from toxic family or any toxic local abusive person or social service worker who has tried to dodge accountability. Why did they go after our children and everything we loved for wellbeing? Since when was social services tasked to inflict such a major level of psychological torture attacks against their vulnerable victims of innocent children and families? They were supposed to protect innocent civilians, not drag us into whatever political and judicial battles they had among themselves. We didn't need any psych torture boot camp. @Armychick, how did you stop what you couldn't take anymore?

[@cyndim8785]

@@rosec6680What a narc thing to do. No contact and as soon as they have an illness they call you for empathy.

[@SL-bo7ui]

“Telling someone to try harder is actually sadistic - it’s setting them up for more abuse”. 🎤 drop

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

So is apologizing (for no reason) so the narcissist can feel superior. Painful to the abused! I don't bother with my narcissistic dad!

[@Healtogethealthy]

My narcissistic mother, controlled me with money, gifts and threats for 54 years, I finally went no contact and she has ruined my reputation with other family members and old family friends. She held that threat over me for years but I had to find the courage to walk away even though I knew she’d do this because she’s done this to so many others including all her blood family. It’s been hard, it still is, however I’m now free of her and that’s priceless. Ignore the flying monkeys and live your precious life. Thank-you Dr. Ramani x

[@chosennotforsaken]

Good for you @Healtogethealthy

[@tenningale]

They're masters at smear campaigns. I'm gray rocking my narc mom and I'm sure she's trashing me behind my back. You have to learn to just not care and trust that other people will see through their charade.

[@matthartley876]

Same. When I became financially independent, I didn't realize she was smearing me behind my back, with other relatives. Why? Because she could no longer control me with her money. Sam Vaknim says narcissists need four things: sex, supply (either narcissistic or sadistic), services, or safety. If you can supply at least two of these, they manipulate you into their "garage." If you only supply one thing, you are easily discarded. Once I no longer could be controlled by money, she saw herself as no longer getting "narcissistic supply" (admiration, adulation, adoration, praise), and so she started smearing me to relatives so that she could get "sadistic supply." She conned me out of so much money pretending to need help with house repairs (when it turned out she had the money), depleting me of funds in my efforts to keep her safe (since she REFUSED to downsize or move to a smaller and safer house). Now, she's depleted my money... I only offer "sadistic supply." It's heinous. I went no-contact. It's Machiavellian. And desperately trying to break this intergenerational cycle of financial abuse.

[@pseudopuppy160]

... frankly, if they're THAT dumb to fall victim to her.... let them. She didn't ruin a thing worth keeping. It hurts, I know. But seriously, you're better off WITHOUT STUPID PEOPLE in your life. Best thing is: you can now recognise the witchy narcs and their stupid flying monkeys, and avoid them waaaaaaay more easily. The thing that will piss them off the most, is being apathetic to whatever they do. It's kinda delicious actually.

[@LoveAndLightForEveryone]

🤦🏻‍♀️That’s what all narcissists do! They control you with money, children, threatening to ruin your reputation and career and bunch of other nasty stuff only narcissistic people are capable of. 💪But when you are strong enough (just like You, my dear) to walk away from those toxic people despite all their efforts, you will find peace🕊 and joy shortly after!!! 🎊Congratulations on your liberation! Good Luck with everything!☘️

[@jamesestes3787]

My ex was the ultimate narcissist being physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. He gaslit me daily and would diminish all my hard work to make the relationship work. He enjoyed feeding off my emotions and would try to make me angry in order to blame me for his behavior. After we split he gathered all his flying monkeys(our friends of over 10 years) and turned them all against me, telling them I was crazy and unhinged. I still struggle with the inner voice that he planted in my head and the abuse I endured for so long.

[@lindac6919]

It's like no one is neutral. They're with you, or they're against you.

[@Felix4art192]

My story is exactly the same. Told I never did enough, sabotaged him, lying all the time BUT ask what I lied about, then he went on to something else I wasn't doing or not doing enough. It was exhausting. He took everything from me and somehow it was all my fault!

[@Ayaime7]

I am so sorry that happened to you!! Deserved and deserve better. And me too me too. Even saying sorry that happened isnt enough for the betrayal and the confusion and complexity of emotions after. Hope you healing and youre healing. ❤

[@llb6234]

Glad you got away from him. Continue to heal and grow. There is a lot of knowledge about them and you can win. There are tons of videos on this subject and many blogs where you can make new friends.

[@Sheisme120]

It is not the victim’s responsibility to try hard enough with a narcissist, nor is it safe. Nobody’s asking if the abuser tried hard enough.🙄

[@audreygregis8721]

This one line is priceless...."Telling someone in a narcissistic relationship to try harder is like telling them to drain the ocean with an eyedropper." BEST line ever! When you are a survivor, once in a while you have to find the humor.❤

[@erinward2983]

It’s almost deafening to hear someone blame you for being abused or even accuse you of “victimhood” after/during abusive narcissistic relationships. I’ve been blamed and told to keep trying. It’s a passive, empty way to respond to a cry for help. It crushes the spirit and can impede healing. Especially when you’ve put enough trust into someone to share your feelings and seek help to sort through it all. Though so true, all of the “world doesn’t understand” goes out the window in those moments.

[@ForsTravels]

Literally happened to me over the weekend. It's so triggering.

[@sharicoburn5475]

Yup! When I told a partner about my abusive older brother he said I must have deserved it. What small child deserves abuse?

[@annalisavajda252]

I think years of abuse just make people less tolerant and ptsd makes people hypervigilant and aware of manipulative tactics also you really can't be as trusting anymore and need to re-establish boundaries even with people maybe you knew years earlier that expect you to be you but you are not the same anymore.

[@erinward2983]

@@annalisavajda252 What you said about ptsd/people expecting you to be the same really hit home. I learned PTSD changed me while in school. I always learned quickly and enjoyed it. But after an assault tied into some undeniable betrayal by my narc parent, (at a time I needed support), I realized the impact of trauma. I read one page of a textbook so many times I lost count. I couldn’t recall any of it. I didn’t know to what extent, but reality hit: my brain had done some rewiring; I had a lot to process and wasn’t the same. There’s grief. I burst into tears. I wanted so badly to move forward, and I really believed hitting the books was the ticket to getting back to “me,” but it felt like my brain wouldn’t let me pass through without paying attention to that trauma. I burst into tears. Trauma changes us and everything. We get stuck. Hypervigilance sucks the life out of us if we don’t set aside time to heal. Trauma doesn’t just move aside for us. It requires us to reprioritize. And life looks different from there on out. It’s hard to understand unless you’ve been there. But we are resilient.

[@barb7124]

My mom told me I deserved it

[@kateholmes4536]

I had a narcissistic mom and I gravitated to a terrible narcissist/ sociopathic marriage. I got out. I processed the drama/trauma from my mom and him. I’ve taken the time to heal and deal with my self sabotage from alcoholism and my own narcissistic tendencies. Things are different now. There is ongoing healing. Thank you for all your information, direction and support to the public who have been stuck and so injured in these toxic relationships. Kudos to you!

[@triciadreas9835]

Prayers you find a way to heal. God would be a wonderful option 🙏 ❤

[@kateholmes4536]

@@triciadreas9835 Yes, he/she is with me. Thank you!

[@susanzimmer1776]

How did you find peace???

[@susanzimmer1776]

Prayers are the best! Just talking to God, I feel like I have a great friend 🙏

[@kateholmes4536]

@@susanzimmer1776 A lot of work but specifically after much therapy I did the 12 steps as written in the big book of AA, and it was in step 4, I found understanding, forgiveness and love. My mom has passed and I pray she has figured stuff out on the other side.

[@mothersruin9058]

I tell anyone who asks if I tried hard enough to: 1. Get in there with the narc themselves and see how they like it 2. To f*** off!

[@Armychick]

I told my sister to F off. I had to say that to shut her down.

[@susanzimmer1776]

Great job, thanks!!!! I felt the same way,my fault, everything, for 40 yrs!!!!!!

[@kim.mie.]

I gave my absolute ALLLL. I drained my own soul and destroyed everything about me to make it work. You are right that I was STUCK and desperate to survive. I will NEVER allow myself to go through that again 😢😢

[@n177y]

This sounds like me

[@wendykarle3114]

When I just read what you wrote, I thought, did I write that? 💯 % relatable!

[@jonathanscarletmusic]

Yes to all of that

[@syedafatima8119]

So did I. I turned into a doormat for my narcissistic mother to walk on, and she still discarded me like a used tissue. It's almost a year since I went no contact. I'm actually happy...just glad to wake up each morning, glad to see how many small blessings I have. Whenever this happens to you, just be glad that it happened. Don't worry about how long it took to get there.

[@TheKrispyfort]

This is why I have acquaintances, not friends. Realising that I have not had friends for decades is difficult to emotionally digest 😢

[@lanamulyar6021]

..same

[@beadingbelle3486]

Yes, same here.

[@Kath26124]

I just had people around, never lost anyone.

[@kennethfreeman4041]

My ex was always angry about something. To fix that, she insisted that I needed to go to anger management classes so she wouldn't be angry anymore.

[@springBloomsinAwe]

Ridiculous

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

It probably wasnt funny at the time you had to live it (at all), but it is pretty funny when you summarize it like this 😄

[@DaveYaz0888]

Trying harder defined my life. You nailed it. Trying too hard is what destroys the relationship. It simply allows the other person to think they are in control. A big part of being on the road to recovery is when you can confidently say “I tried too hard.”

[@wendykarle3114]

Omg I must be healing!!!!

[@DrakeMyass]

Definitely true

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

You can’t win no matter what you do. I’m criticized gaslit invalidated shamed and blamed by the narcs/enablers, no matter how hard I try, how much I give, or whether I stay /go or whatever I do. It doesn’t matter with some people. So tired of it. Working on rewriting my self narrative, keeping healthy boundaries, and finding safe people. Focusing on my life. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@jamesestes3787]

I wish you all the best in your journey of healing! It is a tough road and a lot of reprogramming your brain to find and love yourself again. You will win over the narcissist! Just know you are loved by a community of people who understand your pain! ❤️❤️❤️

[@LoucriciaBrown]

I am still exhausted 😩 the Mocking me was the worst.

[@thedailymakermaking]

Thank you for making this video. I tried harder for 50 years. It goes nowhere good.

[@lindac6919]

You said it.

[@MrFreeze29]

People that make you work in a reationship are never good partners. The ones that are always touting their love language saying you have to cater to them by giving them things constantly. They make you apologize for things you didn't do. They want you to make peace with them after they declare war only for them to start it up again and again.

[@wendykarle3114]

Omg. So much of this.

[@lynnanderson1923]

The love language thing is exhausting. We're supposed to be able to read their minds and know exactly what they want and if we don't fulfil that there is hell to pay

[@shayshaymann113]

This is one reason why I’m constantly apologizing! I apologize for literally everything, even if I had nothing to do with the issue. My entire family on my mothers side are all a bunch of narcissists and I was blamed for everything growing up, and I’m still “the problem” in their eyes! I have deep resentment for all of them because of this.

[@Melly16yr10]

Any chance you can go no contact?

[@wendykarle3114]

Oh my god the constant apologizing yes!

[@Buddha77725]

Self-doubt is a killer

[@yukio_saito]

I've had enough to try hard enough. 😮‍💨

[@marieborchardt2910]

I think we are all touched by narcissism in some way, some more than others. I was at a very low point in my life when the light bulb went off over my head and I woke up to the fact that there was something very wrong with a close relationship, someone I loved and trusted. Trying to make sense of my feelings, I thankfully stumbled across one of your wonderful videos Dr. Ramini. I'm so grateful you share your knowledge, I'm so thankful for your empathy. To those who don't understand how important your life's work is to so many of us, I hope they never experience the life changing anguish and sadness I have.

[@georgirancour198]

mine was ocd. i quit cleaning every minute of every day of my life and the complaining and criticism stayed exactly the same. it really freed up hours a day. and sanity. and life. am free now

[@brightbite]

These are the same types of people who will tell you, "If you're not successful, it means you are lazy and just haven't worked hard enough!" (And what that ultimately translates into is: "I am not going to support you in any way, no matter how difficult your life has actually been.") It really is like telling someone that they can fly if they flap their arms hard enough.

[@TheKrispyfort]

Sounds like Morgan Freeman & Phillip McGraw arguing how failed socioeconomic status is a choice. SUGGESTION: the Adam Grant book 'Hidden Potential' - it's helped me realise that it's how far you've come from where you started more-so than where you currently are that shows your grit

[@jamesestes3787]

I love this and you are so right! You can never do enough for a narcissist person. They don’t see you as anything other than an emotional supply for their twisted thinking.

[@lindac6919]

Yes...AND they expect you to work on THEIR behalf, while they suck the life out of you.

[@giftedwithin7]

True

[@TheKrispyfort]

I just realised that this is the situation I'm facing in my local volunteer first responder unit. Yeah, fuq going inactive. I'm quitting quitting. The behaviour of these people is disgusting.

[@PamelaMcIntyre-d1j]

An acquaintenance once called me a quitter, "can't stick with it" for leaving after 10 years. I told him quite the contrary- I stayed WAY too long, and should have left after one year or less.

[@grammyspa-jammies1737]

I was asked, "What can YOU do to make things better?" I never answered that question because my answer would have been, NOTHING. And that would have gotten me in more hot water. I'm so glad I'm out and I'm NOT going back for a 4th round! Yes, I went back 3 other times out of guilt, fear and loneliness. Not any more!

[@AlbertoSalviaNovella]

You nailed it.

[@notagain779]

I've heard "Try harder." Also: "Unconditional love will work." I ask , "How would you like to jump into a cauldron of boiling oil?"

[@mindovermatter2day]

Dr Ramani I could not figure out why my only parent my mother behaved the way she did towards me. You can’t change who your parents are and avoid narcissism but you can work on becoming independent and get away from them. I was shoved out of the family at 15. Locks changed on the doors and clothes put in a trash bag outside the door after being physically assaulted . I was not on drugs, nor did I drink, made good grades in school, and had never had a boyfriend but this happened. At first it took me years to understand what happened but I eventually did. I survived and at a young age learned independence and feel now, thanks to your books and videos I know that I was better off out of that home and away from that family . I’m safe with animals and stick to myself and work, and decided to NOT bring children into this world with half of a horrible family that I have. Why contribute to the craziness? But don’t ever think you haven’t made a preventative impact on us survivors. You have.

[@soniahathaway1]

You are so brave and strong, and I hope you appreciate that. 💕

[@estyron27858]

I think the people who genuinely cant understand it can rightly be what we call privileged. It's really beautiful ❤

[@hearyou411]

Had I tried any harder, I would have lost myself. 💔

[@blackbird7665]

I got the courage to divorce my ex 2 years ago, after 13 years of twisting myself into a pretzel to make him happy or convince myself that everything is okay. He was furious and made himself out to be a victim to anyone who would listen. Especially our daughter, who has been damaged by this in ways I might not even be able to see yet. He's told her very intimate, private things about our relationship that no child should hear. He's successfully and in ways, unsuccessfully tried to alienate her from me. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. I will, always and forever, be the bad guy. All because I left and refused to endure more abuse.

[@jamesestes3787]

I feel your pain and what you’ve been through! I am grateful to have not have had children with my ex, as I can only imagine the extra grief and suffering that comes with protecting your child. I wish you the best in your healing and raising your daughter! ❤️❤️❤️

[@wendy788]

Our relationship ended 20 years ago through marriage guidance counselling and now he is trying to take my disabled daughter off me using government agencies, backstabbing and trying to put me down so he can make me look bad and win....does it ever end

[@BuckleyThompson]

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective [e-mail] for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

[@Summer_Harvest]

Thank you for exposing this and opening others to understanding. 🌹

[@susanzimmer1776]

This is SO enlightening!!! I'm not the only one!!! 🎉

[@SuzannaLiessa]

"Did you try hard enough?" Then there's the "educated" response: have you considered couple's counseling? That one is a real sledge hammer.

[@sharonchristian8508]

Then mine had an affair with the therapist at $100 an hour. Obviously it was all my fault.

[@sarahparker4108]

Thank you. Just had an argument with mine last night, and boy, did it go right along with this video. 25 years and I can't leave. I'm just realizing just how much these things are not normal.

[@syedafatima8119]

Get out the first chance you get. Until then, go gray rock. It helps. You gotta protect yourself

[@MeineAC]

Omg this is soooo true ! I lost 12 years of my life asking myself “did I try hard enough?!” 😢

[@joy-barelite]

I told myself to try harder. I was perpetuating my own harm.

[@1o1carolina53]

Resolve to take MASSIVE ACTION. ask someone close for help Plan AND LEAVE

[@brynnleapierce5600]

The more I learned about Narcissism the realization of it allowed me clarity on what was going on 👉 everything they perceived as bad that happened to them including anyone whom they felt “wronged them” the Narcissist would project onto “you”‼️ You would always be blamed no matter what 👉 you will catch all their shame‼️

[@itzzzsarinasworld9415]

I still have nightmares where I try to please him and he doesn't validate me. I wake up feeling so ashamed for trying so hard and still feeling guilty and hurt. This video came on the right time. I did do more than enough, but for them it will never be enough. F it, im out and staying out. Thnx ramani for keeping us on the right track and taking away our doubts and for validating us. You really helped me so much in this in this process and im forever greatfull, because of your insights I finally understood what was happening and I found the strenght to break loose.

[@alhana8293]

Thank you Dr. Ramani Perfect timing. I just lashed out at my husband who keeps telling me to try harder with my toxic family. He just doesn't get it. I was just telling him that he's blessed to have his family who's nothing like mine. It's frustrating because he just keeps telling me that this should work or that should work but no matter what I do, NOTHING works! I REALLY needed this validation. THANK YOU.

[@syedafatima8119]

My husband used to be like that until he visited a few times at my narcissistic mother's house and came in for his share of abuse. Because he's a good guy and very respectful of elders, he put up with it, but he stopped telling me to try harder at improving the relationship. It still took the 2 of us decades before we cut her out of our lives. Don't defend yourself in front of your husband. Let him get to see your mother's horrible true self..it will eventually reveal itself.

[@Hope4MyChildren]

Thank you!

[@ruthslater6364]

Absolutely I'm blamed for everything. It's amazing they can say the most rediculous accusations. Dr.Ramani your 100 % correct people just don't really understand narcissists. Unless they have met one , lived with one, loved one , because if you have you will know. My husband went thru $20 thousand in 2 years. He never spent a dime on me I was sick with cancer at home. I gave 1000 % in the relationship ( there never was a relationship only in my mind )

[@spinnettdesigns]

Not being believed is overwhelming to an innocent person who’s already given all. I feel your pain here and thank you. I’ve appreciated your honesty so so much. I’ve really enjoyed your interviews with Lisa B as well 👌

[@hopewendover8474]

Thank you so much for these videos . I am sitting here in tears thanking my God that someone truly understands and helped me understand, that I am enough! I do matter! I am not to blame! And I DID TRY HARD ENOIGH! Thank you , thank you thank you! ❤❤❤

[@the-writerofmyownstory]

I’m right there with you on this!

[@cindistrickland2966]

You are so correct on so many levels, they think their saints, I was called a liar, he always did what he wanted, when and with who, my own daughter told he was going to another woman's house, he denied at first but I had talked to her he was pissed but said nothing happened. Then my daughter took his side after divorce, 34 years , he broke me in all ways. I felt like I died in that driveway on one of my last trips moving, felt like he ripped my heart and soul right out of me by his actions and the look was Evil but I'm the crazy one. So sad but I went no contact with him and most of my kids, grandkids. I got the mat and ge got the chair at their table so I finally submitted I'm done, I forgive and bless them for my own peace.

[@annmarielechner1549]

This one made me cry! To have Dr. R validate my pain and suffering, helping me realize I tried with all I had to “fix” my marriage. To understand the toxic loop of self doubt and extreme shame! I was surviving! It is almost impossible to explain to others when I barely knew myself. It is an endless loop! This woman has opened my eyes to some sense of self forgiveness that I have not had in decades! God bless you Dr. R and i think i owe you my sanity and more than likely my life!

[@lfn086]

This is exactly what im going through. Thank you for bringing sanity to this insanity.

[@carolynjaynes9094]

Constant blaming and shaming the victim is a way perpetrators stay unaccountable for their relationship crimes. They are blameless.

[@minorytka3163]

Dr Ramani, I have to thank you for all your videos on this channel. Thank you for making me understand how these relationships "work". Just the other day my husband answered me in a rude manner and I walked away. He followed me and started to tell me that he said nothing wrong and my "perception is always off". My educated by you brain screamed "gaslighting!" so I said "thank you for your opinion" and went to do my housework. No argument, no supply for him, no doubts and self-examination followed by self-blame. I did not end up sad and broken because I KNEW this was gaslighting. Thank you for educating me on these issues. I will always owe my moments of peace to you.

[@abigailkendrick]

It’s amazing the things my mother has blamed me for over the years.. as a little kid she blamed me for her divorce from her second husband who she was a terrible mismatch to .. they fought constantly and when he finally left she turned to me and said,”thank you for wrecking my marriage.” She said this to a little girl who had also lost her father to abandonment. Now I can laugh at the crazy stuff she blames me for. In her mind whenever something goes wrong someone must be blamed and since it can never be her fault it defaults to me. Now she’s older but she still tries it when I visit. It’s sad that she’s never grown.

[@Candy-O1776]

I’m so sorry for you, that wasn’t fair to that little girl.

[@abigailkendrick]

@@Candy-O1776thank you 💗

[@pixiedoodledust]

I am so sorry your mother did this to you. It was not your fault ❤

[@abigailkendrick]

@@pixiedoodledust thank you 💗

[@maryellengodfrey]

My Mom said that she was going to die within 6 months and that it would be my fault because I would not let her live with my husband and me. She died about 4 months later. ( she knew she was sick ) . She did apologize to me on the phone before she died though. Does that count? Counts a little, yes.

[@lindac6919]

Dr R, thank you for pointing out how much the world expects YOU to try harder. No one else has to try. YOU have to try. It's soul-crushing when no one understands. But not today, Narky Nark Nark!

[@patriciahilburn3303]

What's really difficult is when it's your adult child and you never saw it. You just kept catering to them to make them happy. Then one day they are angry, have been holding grudges, passive aggressive for things you did or didn't do right years ago. It's insane. I realized I cannot do anything right, even though I have catered to her. The blame shifting and gas-lighting - OH MY! And then the condemnation with no chance of redemption no matter how much you repent and apologize for things you didn't even know you did or things you didn't even do, just to make this insanity go away. There is no chance of redemption and then the punishing and condemnation. IT'S HORRIBLE! Thank you Dr. Rama, and all the others I have listened to. I was going nuts. Our grandchildren are now being used as tools and weapons as punishment against us. Our daughter has been like this since her teenage years, I just never saw it. She rages at me when I say anything she doesn't like (to shut me down), and of course I cower. It's belittling and shaming. She lords over me and I have allowed this for years. But no more. Unfortunately, this means we have had to walk away from our beautiful grand children who loved us so much. I could even feel my daughters jealousy because her children loved us so much. It's so sick to use your children as weapons. As I look back now I see her lack of empathy, except for herself. I told her, a relationship like this is like navigating a landmine, you know you're going to get your leg blown off, but you just don't know when. I have lived in fight and flight for over 15 years with her. I just didn't understand my feelings at the time. The day she moved out of the house I was so relieved because I wasn't being screamed at anymore, and yes, there were times I would scream back. I just couldn't take it. She was better for awhile and then all of a sudden she just got worse after she moved farther away and I wasn't able to be there all the time helping. She makes up stuff she says I say and I know I wouldn't say that. Now that I look back she use to do this as a teenager and I would say in a joking way "Oh, that must be you're other mother who said that!" I believe she's been gaslighting me for years, I just didn't know what this was. She got everything she wanted, no chores, cars, trips and had to do nothing. Catered to her and she was ungrateful and disrespectful nearly all the time. If I could go back I would not do that again. I just wanted her to be happy. I wish there was more on narcissistic adult children. It's been a nightmare, I would not wish this on anyone. It's heart wrenching. We love our daughter, but man she is mean, and even her children shutter when she screams at them. In fact, when she was scolding us two of our grandchildren got up on my lap, I didn't even notice because I was so in shock from her behavior and in fear of the repercussions (which happened). The kids were either defending me or in fear of her behavior too. I hope someday she can change, I know it's possible, but she has to look at herself; and we all know that's not what they do.

[@TreasureDeal]

I have to thank you for popping up in my feed about a year ago. I didn't know about narcissists. My mother trained my daughter. Mom is gone, but my daughter learned everything. She threw me out of what was supposed to be my forever home when I was 73. I was forced to move 2 states away and go no contact. You've taught me so much. I'm so grateful. I watch you a lot. And a couple others to learn how to heal, cope, and be a better person. Thank you for all you do for us. ❤

[@lncb5931]

You are a gift to society ❤

[@sharicoburn5475]

I'm so glad that you are out there being a voice for survivors and giving them the permission they need to get out of these relationships, I spent 30 years of my life in these relationships everybody everybody constantly was like just try harder just be more understanding just read another book just go to counseling. Finally I got out of each one of these very toxic relationships and only in the last two years finding your KZbin has helped me to heal and to understand and be educated and I am so grateful for what you do for everybody.

[@monicadasilva1145]

"just be the better person" is what I've been told numerous times... Eyes opened, heart sore and clarity gained. 🙏✨ Thank you for holding space for us all

[@littleiodine9480]

It was ME ASKING ME “Did I try hard enough?” For over 6 Decades. They are all out of my life now and I still go back and forth. For me, I believe it is all the guilt I have been programmed with that I am trying hard to reprogram. When I do not feel underlying guilt, I feel light and happy with some energy to do things. When I feel heavy and in a freeze response, I have started to realize I am back in the guilt mode. Time to have a talk with self again! First I have to recognize, then have the talk and remember all I tried. Work in progress! Thank you Dr. Ramini, you always give me another piece to the puzzle. Bless you!!! ❤

[@jesseskellington9427]

2:07 "Enabler" that is benefiting from the status quo relationship with a narcissist. Excellent vocabulary. Very precise and on target! 😊

[@csfiskus610]

I didn't realize to what capacity people can be malicious and cruel. To be sure, I had the misfortune of running into such people and was often blamed for their behavior by them and their enablers as well as told to change myself to be the version they prefer and accept them for who they are, regardless of how horrible they treated me. For this reason, I am grateful for this channel. Being constantly put on the defense is exhausting and debilitating.

[@hollyblumenthal8492]

Love you, Dr Ramani.❤ Once again, gems of wisdom sprinkled throughout. Asking "did you try hard enough?" is sadistic, sending the survivor back in to be hurt again. "Everyone stays in narcissistic relationships too long." Sooo true and then when we leave, we feel stupid and guilty that we didn't get out sooner. Not stupid. Not our responsibility that they chose to be abusive. Thank you for all your insights and perspective! 🦋♥️🦋

[@hankitytankity]

Unfortunately, offsprings of narcissists learn the same techniques and pass it on down the line.

[@turnbacktime65]

You’re right. I had to UN-learn all the bad behavior modeled by two narc parents. I made it out alive and not a narc. (Left the state at 19) unfortunately my sister became a full narc. She wasn’t born that way. It’s sad.

[@kathleen4688]

Thank you, @DoctorRamani every video is spot on!!!

[@peachesmcgee4795]

Argh! They're crazy making! My sister has made my life hell since we were teenagers and somehow manages to turn it around as if i'm the problem.

[@matikramer9648]

Dear doctor Ramani You saved me from a maddening depression 2,5 years ago, when I first time saw your clip. Don't remember already about what exactly My all whistles blew and all bells rang. Like someone pointed me FINALLY to the right direction. I'm really grateful My ex was diagnosed as NPD about 10 years ago by therapist family therapy sessions And my native family obviously if not narcissistic, so at least dysfunctional. I can now tell there were stories at least 3 last generations counting from my grandparents on both sides and ending with my generation. Though I'm starting only now, and at age 64, I finally have hope. And I thank you for saving me of suffering I have endured and might have endured, if I hadn't heard you then. Thank you

[@angelaf2654]

Dr. R, it’s like you read my journal and answered some of my darkest pain points. Thank you for all that you do to let the light in and help so many people feel less alone!

[@nensi1972]

...being around with those kind of people, when they start to emenate the evil spirit around them , is something to experience!!!, but not only when you are alone with them, ...that is moment when you can witness that kind of evil spirit does exist...

[@Candy-O1776]

It’s terrifying. They keep it up, in your face, until you just wish you weee dead. That screaming in my face, 2 inches away.

[@tlove6932]

🔥🔥🔥

[@mignonbaricevic36]

I have been told so many times to be a better daughter, wife, etc. Gets so exhausting and the frustration is so ridiculous that you first want to run or die, then you just get crazy angry that they can say such outrageous things. I told someone of outright abuse and the person listening literally said, and what have YOU done to love HIM this week?! It always gets switched. "We broke ourselves trying" pretty much sums it up. I've cut everyone off as they don't understand. I have to talk in court cases to prove to myself I'm not crazy

[@lottie6462]

I tried harder for 30 years, so I can take the blame for going no contact. My husband can deal with his mother without me and I enjoy not being in her presence.

[@marymullins1060]

I've heard the "Did you try hard enough" I've heard "Well, you are the stronger, better person, you need to sort this out." After decades of abuse and being the family scapegoat, I finally went no contact with adult siblings. Not to punish anyone because I do want good things for them but l need to just find some peace, stop being afraid of what they will say to others about me and focus on my husband and my children and all the good things in life. I am feeling happier, very grateful for my own little family and more myself. I am so grateful for your work in this area. Your videos provide so much help, especially on days when I start to doubt and blame myself. Thank you Dr. Ramani 💕

[@virginiajackson8437]

This was my place of work for years! GOD got me out now for 4 years I'm very grateful 🙏

[@jeannemariefagan3453]

You are such a breath of fresh air. Thank you for discussing this topic in so many different ways and helping those of us who have known something wasn't right but we couldn't put a finger on it. I bought your book, "It's not You!" And it has been an eye opener. Thank you again for your dedication and commitment to helping all the " lost souls" who have endured narcissistic abuse!!

[@serena1261]

Thank You Thank You Dr. Ramani!! I woke up this morning feeling a bit less obsessed, stuck and angery. Since this last "hit" from my brother contacting my Son's and Daughter in laws so he can tell his side of the story I discovered this weekend that I gave up my power!!! So hearing you on this video has validated my awareness. I'm going to work on recreating and re- establishing a more confident sense of self and continued no contact with the Narc's that were in my life. Thank you so much. Love your work. Appreciate You so much! Thank You. 💜🪻💜🪻💜

[@mousumipal1133]

Hi Ramani, thanks for doing what u r doing. Coming from a middle class indian background which is mostly enabling, I struggled 30 yrs to articulate what I was going thru. U gave words to my experience. And showed ways to cope and heal.

[@sunshinedance9701]

Each of your videos is such an extreme support. Thank you for each word you bring into this wo🙏❤️

[@keariewashburn4680]

Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@mrsh810]

As a child I was told to try harder not to upset my mother, but never was she upsetting me

[@antenetteleo4502]

There was an enabler who said, "It was because I set boundaries and I changed, so the narcissist shouted at me and treated me badly". This pushed me in self doubt. I came across this video just then. Relapsing from a narc relation is full of bumps, not at all smooth. Videos like this really help. Thank you for the work you do Mam.

[@raquelduquedeestrada1129]

Never knew what this was until I was in one.. I am separated but Im not sure if I yet comprehend all the aspects of this. I know I loved very much, gave very much, and worked hard to maintain the love happiness etc., and yes I still question me!! I was fully into the relationship he was there part time or when he wanted to be there, a bit here or there.. I do feel lost, sad , lonely and exhausted. I am non directional because I was working towards one goal to have a healthy relationship, but definately it was one sided. Yes definately I was made to feel small, worthless insignificant, unless he wanted something , He had the capacity to be sweet and caring, loving even. They were crumbs… Thank you for explaining this, at least if I hear this enough it justifies my feelings,

[@venusrising6554]

Those who haven't been faced with Narcissism are fortunate. But there are extreme Narcissistic relationships in history that can be used for reference. They were instrumental in wars, like WWII. Some countries joined them. Others reacted to the Third Reich's aggression, entitlement, rage & lack of empathy etc..etc...with shock, disbelief, enabling & appeasement before finally setting the no contact boundary & fighting back. This reference neatly outlines the circumstances. An answer (just to yourself or others), to "Have you tried hard enough" would be, "Yes. Unfortunately, this situation has become like dealing with the Third Reich during WWII. They're causing serious damage & refuse to stop. The only way to protect myself is to walk away."

[@olyabrenner3590]

Thank you for answering what happens when you get dragged back you get lost again you loose a bit more of you 😢😢it feels like you’re being eaten away

[@LianeSpreeth]

You are my hero in empowerment and knowledge Dr Ramani, over the years, I still watch your videos, and I continue to learn and grow. Thank you!

[@emmarae4322]

I know I tried for way to long. You finally realize they never gave a crap about you.

[@annjohnson8437]

Thank you! I needed to hear this this morning! ❤

[@MarciMarsea]

I try / tried too hard. Now, as a senior adult I am faced with caregiving a husband of 20 years who has been verbally abusive through the years. I reached the end 5 months ago, but his illnesses struck, oddly, at the same time. Every time you use the word “stuck” it resonates with me, but … I am not yet convinced I am stuck. Thankfully a couple months ago I met a therapist who understands all of the associated trauma. While working through this, thank you. Your work is so important.

[@lt827]

It's especially hard when the person telling you to try harder is a narcissist himself/herself. They especially can't see the challenge of the survivor if it leaving the relationship will make them look bad as the parent of an adult child. "Go back. He loves you."

[@bagoodhuman143]

They have no interest in your well being .period. Think whether u need them in your close circle ..

[@tnasir4903]

I see so many people who allow, condone, and enable bad behavior! Healthy boundaries are so important and can be a challenge in dysfunction relationships. I think it is important to step away from people when their main objective is to control and abuse you!

[@TheShadyGarden333]

Perfect timing. Thanks Dr Ramani !

[@kdycruz]

I find out that many people don't have knowlege about what they are doing. When the narsisist looks like the hero and words doesnt help at all. Thanks for sharing, blessings 🙏

[@prueaddy-z3r]

I just bought a home. A long time loan officer made a mistake. He gaslit, lied, made it my fault. I feel awful and scared and my realtor sees it. I’m being blamed for his mistake and so far the smear is being believed by his bank. So stressful. He says I didn’t do my part, the paperwork trail is obvious I did. Lifetime of self doubt and your talk to is timely and gold. I hurt and let go to stop suffering the way I have.

[@jennifervanhook4924]

My "support" community told me I was playing the victim, and to stop blaming and take accountability. This kept me in abusive relationships, being abused, being told by the narcs that I was to blame, and then that being confirmed by my "support" people that, yes, i was in fact to blame. Sick sick sick. As soon as I learned about this, it all clicked into place. I now only surround myself with people who get it. Still trying to heal from decades of abusive programming

[@JT0007]

She recently blamed me for our kids being unhappy-because I had left her. She’s the one who made our lives hell 🤷‍♂️