Tips For Dating Survivors of Sexual Abuse

This video is about what it is like to be in a romantic relationship with someone who has experienced sexual abuse and how to respond in this situation.
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[@CoachCraigKenneth]

This is an incredibly important and sensitive issue. Hopefully you like and share this video with friends or family may need it. Unfortunately it is not a video that will get the views that it should...

[@lettyadkins5182]

This video is incredibly powerful and also spot on. I have several people in my life who are survivors of sexual abuse. Some have fought hard to heal and others have tried hard to bury it. Thank you for bringing some attention to such a horrific issue.

[@andrew4858]

I’ve got engaged to a sexual abuse survival and she decided to dig deep and seek help about this. It has gotten so bad that we went from loving each other incredibly to her distancing herself from me and breaking up our engagement. I offered my all to help her but her trauma was so extensive that the only way she found that she can start the healing process was to cut any contact with guys. I don’t know what path she will take after she heals from this but I’m praying and hoping I can be there for her, as she learns how to love again.

[@MichaelLesniowski1]

andrew4858 not easy I’ve been through it it’s horrible

[@tybennion1]

This is my situation. My ex and I were together for 16 months. Never dealt with the trauma until she had to face it for the sexual assault trial. Getting ready to live together and she all of a sudden wanted space, refused to talk with me, started removing me from her social media until we broke up. Now she’s hypersexual and it hurts so much when that was an issue (intimacy) while together.

[@marlonknockaert3233]

@@tybennion1 I am so sorry you had to go through all of this man, my words might not mean much to you but know you are not alone in these kind of situations

[@Opticaltemperrr]

I’m praying that my partner and I can make it through this I don’t know what I would do without her she means the entire world to me and I’m so worried

[@kevinatkinson3862]

This video is so needed my wife was sexual abused by a cousin as an adolescent she now wants to have kids like a normal woman but struggles to want to have sex and i try so hard to work the delicate balance of what to do as a husband i dont know what to do. I feel so helpless. I just want to support her

[@lucyroth2671]

Be very careful however with whom you share your traumatic past. Often those with Cluster B or other toxic personality types can fake compassion and understanding, and unfortunately use it against you later. Just being honest. I was physically and sexually abused my entire childhood from age 10 to 14, then in the foster care system where it was supposed to be "safer" for me and then later as a young adult I was raped more than once . I have had years of therapy but have also unfortunately trusted the WRONG men whom I thought I could trust and love with my "story" TIME is the key. Don't tell anyone until you have taken the TIME to get to know them. SURVIVORS EXIST and there is a LOT of HOPE! Just be careful who you trust!

[@onurbole7921]

Well I think it is also important to give tips to the survivors of sexual abuse on dating, what type of a partner they should choose, the things they need to be careful about sharing it, etc. Because they can just go and pick someone reliable, but if this person is too sensitive, self-conscious self-critical, then it can devastate this person. Survivors are still adults, it is their decision to be promiscous, to maintain destructive behaviours in their adult relationships, bury their problem or perpetuate their victim image. Yes, it might sound harsh, but just like any PTSD, just like any personal disorder, it is on them to recover. It is too much to ask from a partner to play the therapist role. The survivor also needs to make sure he/she is ready to date, evaluate the place they have in their partner's life. It is unfair to pour the effects of the trauma on a person who has a deep emotional attachment to you.

[@boxelder9167]

It’s also unfair for one person to be able to share anything they want and the abused partner to have things that can’t be shared because it’s too hard. Well, it’s pretty hard having to live with it alone and not being able to be completely honest with people because it makes them uncomfortable. Like you are hurting but everyone else’s comfort is more important. 🤫

[@susanpaquin1631]

Wow my husband is a survivor and finally coming out after being together 25 yrs. I will be here to support him and it’s not his fault he had a crappy family and screwed up people in his life as a child!

[@cwilson4097]

Been waiting years for a video like this. You two are the only ones I can trust for this kind of advice. Thank you! 😎

[@jinxlee8556]

I agree. No one else can measure up to the standards that Craig and Margaret post daily. And this is a tough topic.

[@markschmidt645]

Extremely important! Coaches handle this Very sensitive topic that is often handled wrong.This injury runs deep....please listen to these wonderful people. You may never understand how much you help by following coach Craig and coach Margaret’s advice. Great job coaches!

[@jinxlee8556]

Thank you for this video. My ex is a sexual abuse survivor. And it has been difficult. We are not together now. But this video helps me to understand her situation more. It breaks my heart how the trauma can cause the victim to replay the scenes. As if she was going back to fix what was broken. Only to add to the trauma.

[@PeteTheCreeper]

I'm crying...I needed this. I'm in a loving relationship with a partner who has suffered many instances of abuse, and I have been trying to understand some of the difficulties between us...especially when she has felt "triggered" - this video has helped me see some of the elements at play! This has helped a lot! Thank you for putting this online.

[@mctdread1385]

It happened to me as well. I don't remember most of my childhood yet I remember always feeling scared, misunderstood and isolated. And when an unfortunate incident had happened in my previous relationship, the lingering thought of something having happened to me when I was really young turned out to be true... Like Coach Margaret and Coach Craig said everyone it wasn't your fault. And it'll take time. Hell I'm still recovering but I know at the end of the tunnel I will be stronger and better for it. You can and will accomplish that too. I believe in you.

[@cocogomez2278]

My friend in his 50s told me over the weekend he was abused by his aunts when he was a little boy. Thank you for this video

[@calinedarwiche7177]

My ex was abused. When we ended, he verbally abused me to destroy me on every level imaginable and it worked just like he knew it would but I am working hard to rebuild myself. I still haven't healed from the words he spoke but I am riddled with guilt from the words I returned in my moments of pain and weakness. I pray one day it will just be a distant memory.

[@beatitcreep.]

@C L Maybe to express how her ex's trauma affected their romantic relationship?

[@lettyadkins5182]

@C L she didn't say his name and by treating her the way he did, I feel he made his trauma hers as well. I am the future ex-wife of a survivor who in turned also abused me verbally, emotionally and mentally. I can relate and it helps to know, we are not alone.

[@calinedarwiche7177]

@C L I didn't share anything personal about him. We all have our pain and trauma and this is one of my sources for healing. How about practice compassion instead of judging others for no reason.

[@tr9809]

@@calinedarwiche7177 Absolutely

[@marthah4499]

OMG!!.. 🤐

[@marthah4499]

Love you guys!!..❤️.. my ex husband was in the military. I believe something happened to him when he was serving.

[@ronancarrillo2235]

I would of loved to get more insight on how to deal with, cope, handle the issue of my partner cutting me off of sexual intimacy. We went 7 months with no sexual contact. How do us partners get through those times? A constant point she keeps bringing up is... she's not sure when she'll want to be sexually intimate again. So now what?

[@jonathanrubino2577]

Find a girl that's not complicated

[@marlonknockaert3233]

@@jonathanrubino2577 that is the most messed up answer I have ever read, when you love someone you support that partner just dumping them while they just trusted you with their deepest darkest secret is the most fucked up thing you can do. Imagine if this happened to you, you are sick

[@jessegarcia32]

I know this topic very well, as I was repeatedly sexually abused by my uncle when I was a 7 year old boy. I will be turning 19 next month, and l have been in remission from BPD for 3 years now. This was after years of treatment, like hospitalizations, DBT training, and meds, you name it I most likely done it. Luckily I never experienced a romantic relationship when I did suffer from it. Nonetheless, trauma and PTSD doesn’t completely go away. I still have difficulty reassuring myself, and having the desire to please others at the expense of my own emotional needs. My boyfriend, who’s older, broke up, with me a little over a month ago. Trust me I was completely devastated at the beginning. If this was a few years ago, this would have driven me to suicide, and believe me I have tangoed with suicide many a time growing up as a child abuse survivor. But now I have learned to forgive, and that in reality he’s probably going through a much harder time due to deep-seated issues that are not addressed. Watching your videos helped me empathize his situation, and I don’t blame him for breaking up. It’s impossible to carry a responsibility as emotionally heavy as a committed relationship if you could not bear your own emotions yourself. Looking back at happy memories do not hurt me like they did in the beginning, and just because the relationship ended does not take away the positive value my ex has brought on my life. While I would hate to go through the hell of my trauma again, It has given me the conviction that saw me through my worse: the ability to have hope in the future, even when the present and our past makes us feel hopeless. While I can live life regardless if my ex comes back or not, I am trusting my gut on this one that it will work out. Thank you so much for your videos, it has offered clarity and peace of mind. X Jesse

[@librapainter7174]

Years ago I dated a man who I felt was 'safe' (because later we discovered he was on the autistic spectrum) and I found his demeanour non-threatening sexually. Well we married but soon after I would have flashbacks during sex and had to stop. He was okay about it, but we got stuck in a place where he would leave it to me to instigate and after a few months I stopped because I thought he didn't fancy me any more, we went a year or so without sex. Neither of us could communicate or understand what was going on. My advice is get couples counselling as soon as possible. Oh and during couples counselling he would blame my sexual abuse which felt awful. He showed no empathy. We're divorced.

[@PatrickDKing]

Great video and great topic. Im with someone who was raped twice and i myself had been sexually assaulted and we had a lot of challenges to work out but we are doing really well with it now.

[@Yunicoss]

Margaret should be coaching teachers and social workers. She is really professional.

[@NE-ln3le]

I am a sexual abuse survivor. I had a coaching with Margaret but I didn't mention this as we were mostly talking about my anxious attachment. I also have the workbooks. Your work has given me the insight and courage to face my troubled past. Dating is pretty excruciating for me. I would love to hear any dating tips you have for the survivor. 🙏♥️

[@jayuzi2741]

Hey coach, me and my ex broke up about 2 months ago. We remain cool and hung out again. She wanted me to be friends with her and I declined the offer again. I told her I wouldn’t settle for less and I know what I want and if she does want to be with me again to call me. I asked if she believes in falling back in love with me again she said yes but I find that hard to believe since she is speaking to someone rn. I did begged and got her back but we we ended up breaking up again. As I told her we aren’t friends anymore she said she will treat me like a stranger and hung up the call. The next day I ignored her calls cuz I was Fed up with games and started NC. I picked up the call at midnight and she was angry. She told me to keep the same energy and she hates me then blocked me on everything. I’m confused. She told me that I was great and amazing as our 2 years were the best by far. She said she loves me to pieces yet is willing to let me go. I’ve been in NC again for 4 days now. I’m not obsessing over getting her back but I do want to know if there’s a shot for a second chance?

[@jayuzi2741]

patitoduck123 ( UPDATE ) She called me after my basketball game and said she misses me and loves me. She said she isn’t gonna leave me alone and threaten to Taze my new girl if I have one. I’m really not comfortable talking to her nor am I liking that energy due to how she acted lol . Still I’m gonna try to continue NC and see if she really want me back. Thank you 🙏🏾

[@Katya7cruz]

Thank you so much for doing this video 🙏❤️

[@EdwardHaren]

I feel guilty for not being there for my girlfriend, recently. She wants to forget about it, but its killing me psychologically, physically and mmentally. I feel punished because i want her to do the right thing. TBI survivor myself , i have discard issues myself and she has removed me from her life so she can just forget . Shes in fear of loosing her job. Judgement and opinions. I dont even know if i could be intamate.. this has ruined our relationship. She wants to forget without reporting it.

[@tybennion1]

My ex had the trial for her sexual assault where she testified. She wanted space while preparing for the trial. I gave it to her. After the trial, she still wanted space. I gave it to her. We broke up four days after the trial after I caught her deleting things of us off social media and when confronted she said "I just want a break from everything (life)." I ultimately had to walk away because my needs were not being met and she refused to communicate with how she was feeling from the trial - of which she wanted to break up by then anyways. Two weeks later I found out she had already started hooking up with another guy. I feel destroyed and worse of all, she is very hostile to me still, acts like she doesn't care whatsoever, and it feels like she essentially moved on overnight. I want her back but have engaged in No Contact. We were together for 18 months.

[@yunamchill9169]

Sometimes i feel like my abuse was less traumatic than others because i was abused by a school mate. We were the same age, in year 6, but now it has almost catastrophic consequences. I have a boyfriend and just thinking about sex makes me wanna puke

[@blank1505]

Such a helpful and insightful video... I learned more about myself... I pray I continue to heal and reach recovery. I want to be liberated and live my life beautifully. Thank you, Coach and Margaret - I always appreciate you both. 🤍

[@katiefinnegan4649]

So easy to listen to you. I hope I can help/support my partner. She’s currently burying and blocking the memory. I’ve been with her 2 years but only just found out. It explains a lot. I pray I have the patience and understanding long enough for her to figure it out a bit.

[@jadenrhoden4709]

For mem, I know many of us that feel like we cant share. This is becuase fear of disbelief, fear of your experience, being turned around on you, also some feek like its not safe to share.

[@meditationtoolsllc]

My husband and I are spending a year in reset, going back to being friends while we both heal from childhood sexual abuse. We are using my channel, Amelia's Diary, to record it all of next year. The Reset Year 2021. Healing completely can and does happen. ♡

[@monalyndelcorro5499]

Thankyou so much Coach Kenneth and Margaret i really miss your videos😘😘

[@Psychicmediumrebeccak]

When she said it's not your fault I just started crying. I was 14 and I had a boyfriend who used sex as a way to punish me. Like if I made him angry, he would tell me to give him oral in order for me to be forgiven. Or take pictures for him and if I said no I was a tease. When I reached out for help, the adults in my life told me I was asking for it and I wanted it because my clothes were too sexy. When I went to the cops because he was sharing my pictures around school (as a punishment) I was told that if I pressed charges on him I would get charged as a sex offender because I took the pictures of myself and I was only 14. I can't date. I can't enjoy sex. I hate my body and I am frustrated because I want to experience romantic relationships....but I can't.....

[@EdwardHaren]

I need help with my baby girl shes the love of my life sense we were kids

[@fredleach38]

Thank you Craig and Margaret this helps

[@douglasbriel6103]

Not even thinking sex yet, but I've fallen for a girl who was gravely hurt living in isolation. I'm afraid if I tell her that she'll pull away.

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

when I was a child, my mother would never leave me alone with the doctor.. Dr spinatto. I believe Thomas was his first name? he wound up getting put away for touching the children inappropriately.. so at that time of my life I'm glad that my mother cared enough to be like that.

[@lauramannyvlogs6675]

This is so helpful for people close to someone that has been sexually abused. Do you have any advice once they have shared, if they don’t bring it up again? And you’re in a relationship with the survivor. Thank you

[@bigkj2.027]

This right here is important

[@nathanperez7135]

Hey coach just want to say thanks for all you do. I had a question, my girlfriend recently broke up with me, and it really motivated me to better myself so I saw a therapist, and she helped me open up about my sexual abuse experience as a child. I never told my ex, and I've never told anyone. Her and I are still in contact and I feel I should open up and tell her but I'm afraid I'll be putting a burden on her.

[@andrewlkozar]

THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO. THANK YOU!!

[@AdamND701]

Thank you for this video.

[@welder1357]

Where's the "Anonymous" button? Don't think I could tell.... Thank you for the video

[@vibe8517]

The coach dan bacon on KZbin says that it doesn't worl on women as they always move on if you don't show any interest... What should i do it's confusing me .... Please answer me..

[@_AbzH]

How do I get Skype call with him I really neeed help rn

[@ellamccartney8465]

What about the inability not to have sex with your long-term partner? And is it possible to have been sexually abused and having no memory of that happening? May the brain erase it?

[@margaretcampbell2681]

What about dissociation?

[@solidcatink]

boarding school abuse

[@stephenciotti1836]

Good evening coaches!

[@ContrarianExpatriate]

For some reason, I seem to attract adult survivors of child sexual abuse. It is disturbing to me as to why, although it could be that I project a sense of safety.

[@Me-mn4nw]

It could be there are more of us than you realize. The majority of my friends were sexually abused. We seem to attract each other.

[@mr.dbrown2988]

I thought that things didn't happen to young men. Or little boy's but I have found out myself as a young boy.

[@craigmerrila7767]

My ex was abused by her teacher for 2 years. Im not suprised shes avoidant.

[@margaretcampbell2681]

I thoroughly agree rage has to be dealt with

[@fx4147]

This made me to become more compassionate towards the other party who has gone through this... First time dealing with such thing

[@curlyfine907]

My beige was abused at a young age. We had the numbers talk and I know she had many boyfriends. Some long terms some one time only. She said she only was with guys she knew but I think she slept with more guys than she admitted. Anyhow we get married she did have cervical cancer but she gave me 2 kids. But sex has been non-existent since. It's frustrating but what can I do. And she was my second partner

[@margaretcampbell2681]

There are certainly challenges. Yes the percentages are staggering especially for women and now they are going for men

[@Korvo.420]

I got drunk not too long ago and almost came out to my girlfriend about my experience. I kept saying I wished the person would die

[@margaretcampbell2681]

Rage is always there

[@kwamenyantakyi8398]

for some reason any kind of abuse a women has been trough always translates into her being extremely promiscious

[@Banana-lk7tf]

That's untrue. I've never been sexually abused but my father was physically and mentally abusive, but that never made me promiscuous. In fact, I was a virgin until the age of 25. And I've gone through many periods of celibacy. I've been celibate for almost a year, now. Haven't gone on even one date, and that's all by choice. The only times that I've ever been promiscuous were when I was emotionally hurt by a man in a romantic relationship.

[@kwamenyantakyi8398]

@@Banana-lk7tf that's what you might think, that you we're only promiscous because you were emotionally hurt but amma tell you now that's not true, do your research on it! It's the abuse that makes you be promiscous but you tryna blame the relationship that Hurt you for it.

[@Banana-lk7tf]

@@kwamenyantakyi8398 You have NO idea what you're talking about. You don't know me. My father is guilty of a lot of things but he has NOTHING to do with the times I was promiscuous.

[@scottfitzgerald5309]

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