Breaking the Trauma Bonds, One Link at a Time

[@user-xq5rp9fm1p]

"We greive the relationship we wanted, and not the one we actually had," is soooo true! Thank you for reverberating that! Cheers!

[@buddyneher9359]

"Recovery is a journey, not a mad dash" - this would make a great wall plaque 🙂

[@surlif]

Thank you. This is very helpful for me today.

[@beverlystover3987]

One thing I have experienced in trauma bonding was isolation! We seemed to move very often so I could not really make friendship with others to have a sounding board. My husband’s work facilitated this. I was naive and did not realize this was happening. Peter Peter Pumpkin eater Had a wife and couldn’t keep her Put her in a pumpkin shell And there he kept her very well Beware of isolation.

[@DarrenFMagee]

Thank you for sharing

[@carlyross8344]

Perfect analogy. It's even in a child's nursery rhyme.. SMH

[@taom9004]

34 years before the hard, final discard five years ago. I guess I was sort of trauma bonded? I never let him gaslight me. I've always had a first class brain and a strong sense of self, whereas he did word salads and toxic amnesia [altho I didn't know what that was at the time] and clearly needed people to think he was a great guy, so would bend in any direction, so I grew to know my hold on reality was far stronger than his. But 34 years is a long time - to be exposed to intermittent reinforcement, emotional exploitation, and being victimised whenever Mr Hyde decided to put in an appearance - even if I fought back, and what else do you call reaching out to your abuser to win them back, time after time? The withdrawal was unbearable, worse than the abuse, which, until the end, sort of came and went, depending on the quality of his external source of supply. So when he dumped me, in session, shocking both me and the therapist who had been working with us [she held his heels to the fire and he saw no way out, I guess: What are you going to do, going forward, to make better choices? Ones that build connection instead of making distance? Look at her. Your wife is hurting...] he said he was out. And my God, it was like he flipped a switch. He went from 'you are the love of my life' to 'yeah, I figure I have about seven good years left' in an instant. The therapist waited for him to go start the car and she hugged me. I was sobbing. All hope for that Norman Rockwell painting died in that moment, but she told me I would be okay. And I knew I would, academically, in my prefrontal cortex, but I knew it was going to be rough. Bad, really bad, But I finally accepted that this was no good for me or him, that it would be easier for him to walk out on me than for me to leave him [I had an intuition I would behave much better than he would] and I was determined to let him leave me no matter how depressed, anorexic, sleep deprived, slammed, terrified, I felt. I had a lot of nightmares, where I would wake up soaked in sweat and had ripped the bed apart. It was the worst, though, in the mornings, when I was getting ready for work, where for about a year I would fall to my knees, sometimes, the emotions were so overwhelming. I have a very demanding job so for the most part I couldn't do anything but focus on that all day long, then come home and try to eat something. I grew very thin. About a year in, I started to google, "What does it mean when your husband does ...." and narcissism popped up every time. Everything clicked into place. So many crazy things suddenly made perfect sense. This understanding helped immensely. I spent the next two years ruminating, but I could eat. I stopped hitting the floor. I drank a bit too much. I started to examine other relationships and divesting myself of unsupportive friends and toxic family. Covid was a dark dark stretch of isolation, but also a gift, b/c I had to face demons that I had boxed for years. Four years in, I stopped trying too hard to make new friends [it wasn't working] and was still, worked on exercise and nutrition, SLEEP, and making small boundaries. Slowly but surely, good people are starting to show up. I still dream about my ex maybe four nights a week? but there are fewer nightmares and during the day I am so damn happy to be out of it. So damn happy to understand it and feel like I am no longer naked and vulnerable in the world and that no one will ever be able to weaponize my compassion and empathy against me ever again. So damn happy to have pulled the plug on the other toxic people in my life. So damned happy to mow my own lawn, do my own finances, taxes, even, and swim around in my great lovely bed, which I have to myself, all night. Before, I only thought I quite liked who I am. Now, I know I do. This feeling is worth any amount of suffering, for anyone else who is thinking of getting free.

[@justChrisjones]

Mine has been a long journey, a lifelong journey. It was so complicated and painful. This is what happens with the trauma bond, in feeling I was to blame for everything , i did not know he did the same to my two children. My son became his main new supply, after i divorced him. I couldn't ever imagine a parent would intentionally corrupt their child. By the time I figured out his " winner takes it all " saying that he was a psychopath, they both passed away in 2018. You just can't imagine someone continuing their evil that long. I really wish that I got out and hid with my kids somewhere when they were very little.

[@deborahbarchard5957]

This was made for me. After 38 years of marriage I got the courage to act. Thanks to friends and a wonderful social worker I have the support and wisdom to take strides to start my life again.

[@DarrenFMagee]

Maybe try to get help and advice from people and organisations who can guide and support you

[@deborahbarchard5957]

@@sandrag8710 I am fortunate enough to have a place to go to, but seeing a LCSW really got my engines going. Just take that first step! Best wishes.

[@nithaphilip544]

@@sandrag8710 please Google,u will find organizations which will help xx

[@taraann7753]

When I am having a weak day l keep thinking of the man that I first met, I’ll have a look at my wedding photos and feel sadness..it’s so easy to slip back, then I make myself remember about the miserable days of silences when he refused to talk or discuss anything, that brings me back to reality..I think I’ll burn that wedding album and close this Chapter for good..Thank You for your videos and your help.

[@brianreed8271]

I have realized my ex lied about everything from the beginning.I was her second husband, well victim I guess. it is really easy for me to throw something like a wedding album out now.I've been divorced for 3 years.I feel like I relived the relationship, looking at it from a different angle. you know the angle of reality.I felt sorry for her, and then I hated her, and then I felt sorry for her.just a vicious cycle. I am becoming indifferent and finding my peace. life can be a beautiful and amazing. but it was only going to be hell as long as I was with her.

[@taraann7753]

@@brianreed8271 I hope you find contentment and real true love in time, don’t be in a hurry..My Mother used to say(Marry in haste and repent at your leisure). Best Wishes to you.

[@asmanasim9394]

@@brianreed8271 oh... I felt sorry for him and then I hated him... Exactly. It's really difficult to remove this trauma bond.

[@brianreed8271]

@@asmanasim9394 once you see who they are you just can't unsee it. it's taking me over 3 years to get where I'm at. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. sometimes I feel really good. but that's a new feeling for me.I will spare you the details, but the relationship was horrifying. the good news is it probably will never happen like that to me again. I have been educated that's for sure.we have to be patient with ourselves, life really is good.

[@beverlystover3987]

Listen to Norwegian wood by the Beatles. It makes me so sad but it is a truth teller.

[@mzliberty7647]

Peace be the Journey ... another great vid from you.... sometimes the grief 'events' come along so thick and fast ..... its like getting knocked down [hurt] and as u struggle to get back up... you get knocked down again .. the struggle to get back up gets longer and harder ... and 'bang' ... knocked down again. all i can say really .. is dont ever give up . this too will pass.. [weak moments not weak person] time will help dull the pain ... and if we are smart we may learn something from all those times we were knocked down .... we can learn something from all that grief ... Thanks for listening .. x

[@Eighties-Jadie]

Fantastic video as always Darren and thanks so much ❤️ what you said about breaking away from toxic relationships feels like an addiction is so true because it's like going cold turkey during cutting contact and detoxing from them. I love how you said give yourself compassion and express your feelings in a healthy way. I use art, journalling, poetry, photography, weights and boxing as outlets for pent up anger and frustration over the trauma I experienced. This allows me to fully feel my emotions without repressing them and in turn am able to release them in a safe productive way. I hope you're keeping well Darren and thanks again very much ☀️

[@demigaines5644]

THANK U SO VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THIS. I AM SEVERELY TRAUMA BONDED WITH AN OVERT NARCISSTIS IM BEING GIVEN THE SILENT TREATMENT EVERYTHING YOU JUST DESCRIBED IS WHAT IM GOING THROUGH.. THANK U SO VERY MUCH FOR SHARING THIS YOUR VIDEOS HAVE HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY..

[@DarrenFMagee]

I’m glad you find them helpful and wish you well in your recovery

[@demigaines5644]

@@DarrenFMagee THANK U

[@beverlystover3987]

I have experienced the silent treatment as well.!! When I was trying to understand the difficulty we had (over and over for years) all I heard was just the crickets, the hiding. Or worse, the rage! The projection! In a rare moment of his self reflection he told my friend it would be “too risky” to discuss things that were happening between us. After trying so hard to come to even “disagreeing to disagree“ it just would never get resolved. I have come to radical acceptance that this behaviour will not change and it actually had little to do with me; it was not personal. It was on him. I have come to know this will always happen and try to not expect anything different! It has been so very exasperating and painful but I understand more now. Well maybe not understand but accept. Have gone grey rock and am on my way to not give this person nor his similarity minded parents more rent space in my head. It has been a rough long road but it can be done. I could not have done this without videos such as these. Hang in there and know you are not alone! Thank you to Dr Magee!!! PS. I know I had not been a perfect wife. But the difference to me was, I was willing to examine myself and make adjustments and they were not. Just don’t want to become self righteous.

[@demigaines5644]

@@beverlystover3987 Thank you So very much for sharing this

[@veronicafadel8693]

One thing that is helping me break the trauma bond chains is writing everything I want to say to my narcissistic husband as I’m getting ready to leave him. This is freeing me emotionally and I know it will help me move on easier after I leave. I can’t write on paper cuz he’ll find it and throw it away. So I’m texting my thoughts to someone I trust and she will send my texts back to me when I’m ready then I will send them to him as soon as I’m safely out of the house. He can read my texts or not, I don’t care. But knowing that I gave him the chance to understand what I want him to know is good enough for me. This has helped me immensely to sift through my own feelings, validate myself, realize the evil nature behind his abuse, give me clarity in the fog that has been my life with him for the past 13 years, and experience a sense of closure and hope looking forward.

[@thirstonhowellthebird]

I’m just curious if prior to the marriage, if a friend of yours had warned you off about marrying him would it have made a difference? I asked because I lost a very good friend too a narcissistic abuser. Actually, maybe she really wasn’t that good of a friend right? I wouldn’t have been dumped by her for saying I was too involved even though she called me 15 times a day to complain about how abusive he was. I’m wondering if she will wake up and leave him. It doesn’t really matter it’s just so odd that I got hoovered after nine years by one of her friends. I could never trust her again so I don’t see that I would rekindle the friendship.

[@susanmckenzie363]

I found through personal experience is that once you know this is happening then just get out

[@lavillablanca]

Then, the tears of the narcissist overflow, assurance they’ll never repeat the abuse, all the while knowing it is victory or defeat - and they have no intention of compromise, which is the same as defeat to them and those magic words, “I love you” absolves them of all their vicious soul-crushing verbal assaults. .

[@sandrag8710]

Yup.

[@dianemoril7612]

The way he had me was through grief. I lost one of my parents, and at that time his behavior changed a lot for the worse. He took advantage of me being emotionally broken to take over our relationship. before this grief I had strong boundaries, and we had a balanced relationship. this balance cost me a lot, but at the time I had enough energy to maintain it, which gave the impression that our couple was healthy. I give these details because one of my friends is going through exactly the same patern with her husband. She has lost a parent, she is struggling to recover, and since this grief, her husband’s behavior is getting worse and worse while she is visibly overwhelmed by events. Instead of supporting her and helping her, he accumulates blunders that he did not do before, and minimizes his actions when she confronts him. her stamina has fade, and now she begin to fall ill. exactly what happened to me. I think it’s a tactic that narcissistic partners use a lot. they chew gently when the victim is strong, they chew harder when the victim weakens. you can’t be weak with a narcissistic partner: he’ll never help you. It took me 10 years to grieve for my parent's death because I wasn’t safe enough in my own home to listen to my emotions and accept the reality of my loss. he didn't let it happen because while I would have been taking care of myself I wouldn't be taking care of him. a narcissistic person needs 100% of your attention! At first, it was a relief to put a name on my husband’s behavior. because at least it meant that I couldn’t do any better in any way. you can’t be a couple by yourself. If your partner still destroys what you’re doing, you can’t go anywhere together, so that’s a relief. then the hard part was acknowledging that I had been manipulated for years, and then the grief came with a lot of anger. I’ve lost so much in this relationship and I’m left with nothing... at least I’m alive and my mind isn’t broken.

[@geotyr3868]

such a helpful video, thank you again. you really don't overwhelm or sound like "preaching" or "winding up sides", so glad I've found your channel :) balanced and really valued contribution. thank you. your kindness and respect comes through, and for me this really puts you at the top. it happened to reach your channel after watching several others so really appreciating your approach and professional ethos. it's different to use words in order to achieve x y, and different to model i.e. how respectful actually looks like by leading it. of the closest I've happened to come across for support having actually best interests at heart, as making most sense to me.

[@ellasladek3124]

You are very kind and I like how you put things , this is one of my favorite videos , thanks for helping us heal !

[@susancosgrove5010]

Brilliant! I have enjoyed and benefited from your videos but this one is special. I came to realise I am grieving the man I believed him to be not the man he proved to be. And, from this video, I recognise I am also grieving the 'me' that foresook precious relationships (and resources - time, energy, money) to support someone who only ever made 'withdrawals' but very little 'deposits'. Appreciate the advice too is for self-knowledge, assertion and boundary awareness. I'm a late learner....but I'm but a learner nonetheless. Thank you for your videos (going to watch this again) ⚘

[@DarrenFMagee]

I’m so glad you found it helpful thank you for sharing

[@ellasladek3124]

Took the words out of my mouth , you said it as I feel it !

[@s.hicks7213]

I’m writing these down and passing it on to my husband. He’s been working on dealing with issues that still affect him to this day from growing up in a narcissistic family. These are fantastic. Thank you Darren!

[@pizzakrydder2515]

This is a very good guide to healing, thanks for another great video!

[@deetheman3508]

Brilliant. Thank you for this

[@ninjagirlnomeansno9403]

Absolutely stupendous, Thank you, Peace and love to you and everyone, Thank you universe 👽🌌🛸♾️😁😃✨️❤️👁🧿🌈🦄😀🧝‍♀️🐺🐉😍🥰💞

[@brianreed8271]

I keep coming back to watch this one again and again.

[@Rumplestiltskin97]

I needed this. Thank you very much

[@Thewild_trails]

Hi Thank you so much for your work and time. This is the first time I've heard someone talk about grieving. This has to be one of the most challenging aspects for me right now. What is helping me is journalling and being honest with myself about what my attachment was in the relationship and how and why that formed and that's ok. Because most people are looking for those things. It's not a weakness.

[@sandrag8710]

This was an excellent video. More food for thought.....very difficult to break free.

[@AnonAnon1]

Again, an excellent exploration. Thank you!

[@ponytail911]

I let them know, in no uncertain terms, game over! The End.

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

It got so bad and she gave me so little, all I needed was nice for a while. She didn't give affection so nice was my hit! Never lasted long. When she finished with me, I should have been elated, to not be used manipulated, ignored and lied to. Instead I was devastated to miss those once in a while nice calm relaxed moments. Had major anxiety depression panic attacks, worst experience of my life but slowly coming thru it. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, I hope she suffers eventually.

[@jamiestumps6146]

Thank you Sir for your Kindness!

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for helpful information.

[@DarrenFMagee]

You’re welcome I’m glad you found it helpful

[@ss-hm4ug]

Trying to break free after 27 years last 9 years of grey rocking cause couldn't leave .. finally had the strength to get a divorce and got roped into a 6 month separation. Now have to gather the strength to file again. In the mean time he has moved out and playing the victim. Isolating himself from everyone and now me and the kids feel bad for him and my guilt is taking the best of me and I am doubting myself for breaking the house , having him leave the only house he had . I'm bad . I cannot go back to living how I was with him but feel bad that he's alone . Darren you're so right , I'm grieving the family and relationship that I thought I had . But feel like the bad person....what is wrong with me

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

"We grieve the relationship that we would like to have had, not the one that we actually had"- a confirmation.

[@coinspeednews4703]

I've learned that narcissistic behaviour is automatic, they just can't help themselves, this is how they are wired. But much of the behaviour, like gaslighting, manipulation, vigilantly looking for triggers to get themselves into punishment mode, seems calculated and intentional. My question is, to what extent are narcissists consciously aware of what they're doing? Or are they a victim of gaslighting themselves, by constructing a fake reality, in which they feel that truth and justice are on their side? And by this, they would feel their aggression and disappointment and punitive behaviour justified. Consciousness vs delusion. Is it one or the other, or both?

[@angelabrainky7786]

Thank you.

[@FunnyHell]

I was friends with my love intrest for 7 years, saw him in his relationship and how toxic it was. We had a good friendship, could talk about anything. Well, the day came when he was no more in the relationship and so shortly we started getting closer... I thought it wouldn't be that different from being friends. That we could talk just like we always had. Something changed... I got uncomfortable being open with him, told him and he was very upset. After that I tried to always let him know my thoughts, but it hasn't gotten any better. I dont believe he is 100% a narcissist. He have comforted me and there is some things he wouldn't do. But lately I've started to realize how he always question me, says that I am wrong about what I think he is feeling or thinking, that I predetermine so he can't have a voice for himself. And I question myself so much. But I've told him I've never felt that I trample on someones toes as much as I trample his. And recently I told him that I need warmth in order to be happy in our relationship and I want to know if he is capable of putting his feelings aside and comfort me if he cares for my wellbeing, just like I try and give him time when he is upset. He can be "afk" for Days withouth trying to reach out to me when he needs time. And when I just want to check on him how his day is going he is just cold. Cold and cold until we "solve" the problem and go back to this... truama bond.

[@jhubbard7256]

I hope you find someone who can help you break this destructive trauma bond so you can begin to heal. You deserve someone who values you and truly wants to share a life with you. This cold, isolating pattern of behavior will leave you desperately unhappy. We have to let go in order to grab onto the next rung of the ladder…letting go of a destructive relationship and working on healing will leave you ready for the next good thing that is waiting just around the corner.

[@suzannebrown945]

Thank you……😊

[@DarrenFMagee]

You’re welcome 👍

[@AlitaAvenger]

Thank you so much!

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

My former romantic interest was always the type to minimize and avoid. The other tactics were there, don't get me wrong, but minimizing and avoidance were the primary two.

[@isidoraklamm]

I have an important question, what book would you recommend for a Woman (30years old) that has finally cut all ties with a narcissistic mother and needs to heal and basically reprogram her mind. I do have nightmares lately about my mother and figured out that its time to really start the healing journey, I owe that to myself. I already changed my phone number and finally cut ties with all flying monkeys and everyone that has had contact with my mother, I even moved, just to be in peace, deleted all social media etc

[@suzannahgailcollins7815]

I understand the place you’re in. You have my sympathy and my respect. I’m following your comment because I would like the same book you’re looking for.

[@isidoraklamm]

@@suzannahgailcollins7815 Hello Suzannah, you know what is really funny, I'm a Gnostic Christian but never read the bible properly. Then my new coworker introduced me to it again, even though we do have different Christian beliefs I started reading the new testament and within 3 weeks my whole mind shifted and I found so much strength to finally put my foot down, everywhere, at work, with my family, even my diet changed ( I lost 20 pounds). I don't know what this book did with me, but I realized my worth and the Lord helped me to become a new person without the influence my mother had on me, for example she always forced me to eat when I didn't want too. I feel like her spell is slowly fading with that guilt that she constantly put on me. I'm not scared anymore to displease others, also I'm not scared anymore to be disliked for being honest. The love for myself only now got bigger than the love I had for my mother, we are allowed to be selfish, we need to understand that the love to ourselves is the most important one. We owe that to us. I think we can find answers and advice in anything, just take the good and leave the bad with everything you hear or read. The Lord will send the right people and the right books your way. Trust and believe. With love from Germany.

[@michelleuk676]

I too am beginning to heal from a narc mother. I've found some promising looking titles on amazon, some written by professionals and some by survivors. It's been my experience that you can never find all your answers with just one source. Find a book title that speaks to you, then choose another and so on. It that way you will over time formulate your own answers according to your unique situation. Be strong. Best wishes.

[@isidoraklamm]

@@michelleuk676 thank you so much for your response, that's exactly what I'm doing, every wisdom will reach me at the right time. Have an amazing year of 2023, my darling.

[@kootenays08]

I was married to a narriccisst for 44 years!! Seperated for 7 he still comes over almost every day Drives me crazey I cant have friends I feel everyone thinks Im stupid so I dont talk to anyone Im just better by mysrlf teying to figure out why he even bothered marrying me he never loved me I finally left him which is what he always wanted stupid me hey why didnt he leave ?? I loved him even though he treated me like crap we have 2 boys who i love with all my heart never regret them

[@mzliberty7647]

.. they destroy our self esteem .. its insidious ... but that strength is still there, deep inside of you, it burns and it glows .. like an ember ... x

[@brianreed8271]

no contact is the only way to go,research things and go do them, that's where you meet people that like the same things you do.keep crawling forward, don't look in the rear view mirror. there is a really good life to be had but there's work to do. it's hard but it's not impossible.

[@kootenays08]

@@brianreed8271 thanks for that makes me feel better I really am trying its a hard road but not impossible one step at a time I have to get over the feeling that everyones laughing at me Im an idiot and undeserving goddamn thats what is so hard It will happen though

[@emilytaylor1001]

❤️

[@juliedaly2381]

Run fast far away from a narcissist

[@Mouse_Metal]

BDSM in a nutshell.