Did Confucius Actually Say the Things He Said?

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[@joshyoung1440]

Confucius say: Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

[@rfichokeofdestiny]

“Those who win a thousand battles through treachery will bastardize the wisdom of Confucius.” - Sun Tzu, “The Art of War”

[@paddyjoe1884]

Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan - Sonny

[@nowthatsjustducky]

"When the Internet is invented, I think it will be pretty awesome if people misquote me on it." -- Sun Tzu as well

[@Nolzii]

“It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicle that you learn to solve problems without violence”

[@johnny5805]

Blirriant !

[@Chris.Pontius]

Geographics.

[@GuitarGuy057]

Negative. It is then that you learn the value of precision military strikes.

[@ajstevens1652]

@@GuitarGuy057 UAV inbound.

[@jasonsilva6985]

This is what I came to comment... Looks like my work here is done ✅.

[@LoveClassicMusic0205]

Confucius say "Woman who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house".

[@SkunkApe407]

Confucius say happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone see it, but only you feel the warmth.

[@aaroncoleman3053]

So, Confucius didn't say, "Man who drop watch in toilet, have shitty time".

[@nowthatsjustducky]

Confucius say, "Coming back to this discussion a day or two later after, it will still give the lulz." (I think Sun Tzu said that as well...and perhaps Epicurus too.)

[@colemanwalsh7477]

people take this in offence and get mad but there just jokes this is funny

[@LoveClassicMusic0205]

Confucius say "Man who go through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok".

[@JusNoBS420]

This is my favorite Confucius say

[@Lord_Humungus]

Timeless wisdom

[@ConstitutionalConservative1776]

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

[@Helblind]

"Man who sticks face in punch bowl gets punch in face." -That guy

[@LoveClassicMusic0205]

Confucius say "Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key".

[@TheSunMoon]

"Don't trust the Internet" - Confucius, circa 1921

[@jliller]

Confucius was just paraphrasing Abraham Lincoln.

[@tailblaze101]

Confucius say: man who sneeze with no napkin takes matter into own hands

[@erickortiz765]

This is easily the funniest one I've read here 🤣

[@MasterMalrubius]

Confucius say: Baseball wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.

[@nugboy420]

Ok

[@loganjaenke8613]

I can walk just fine sir.

[@RaverOperatorGeeza]

Ba-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaa 😂😂😂

[@locolima279]

Damn. I was gonna say that.

[@SkunkApe407]

Man who fart in church sits in own pew.

[@old-fashionedcoughypot]

"Man who goes to sleep with itchy bum awakens with stinky fingers." -- Sun Tzu

[@BigGahmBoss]

Confucius says: "He who falls asleep with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger"

[@nathanielmartin4958]

Kenny vs spenny?

[@SkunkApe407]

Saw a sign in a pub restroom once that read: Confucius say "Man with short bat stand closer to plate."

[@caleblarsen5490]

"Man who fish in other man's well, bound to catch crabs" Confucius, probably.

[@rubiconnn]

"Man who sleeps with itchy butt wakes with stinky finger" -Confucius

[@ytcensorhack1876]

Man who walk thru airport doors sideways going to Bangkok

[@williampotter2098]

@@ytcensorhack1876 If he was born lucky ...

[@Zelkiiro]

"Foolish man give his wife grand piano. Wise man give his wife upright organ."

[@Damoinion]

@@Zelkiiro "Clever man listen to wife and include her in decisions."

[@theatheistpaladin]

Confucius says "Crowded elevator smells different to midget."

[@igu35s]

"A moth walks into a podiatrist's office..... " - Norm Macdonald

[@rolandoscar1696]

Two seals walk into a club...

[@sandybarnes887]

I wonder what attracted him there? 😆

[@nutbastard]

The story behind that joke is that Norm didn't know he had to fill time on the panel - I think some other guest had not been able to make it, or something like that, and he didn't have anything prepared. So he took what should have been a 10 second joke and just stretched it to 5 minutes. Something only he could have pulled off. Such a legend.

[@igu35s]

@@nutbastard you're a scholar and a gentleman

[@adriankalitka3762]

Confucius says "man who sits on stool smells like shit"

[@DJScaleModels]

The thumbnail on this is peak nostalgia and I love it.

[@Vespertilionid]

It is the sole reason why I clicked

[@davemendez1080]

right? I see tatu ima click.

[@iammfkn5338]

Simon, Bro. Factboy extraordinaire. I watch and have watched many many of your videos across many if not all of your seemingly ever growing network of KZbin channels. I especially admire and respect your ability to change up your manor and tone from video to video depending on the overall atmosphere you have fostered for said video’s particular channel or the weight of the material being covered. However, being so busy, I am sure there are some videos which you record at the end of a long day and are trying to just knock one more recording out before going home weary and tired. Granted this is speculation mixed with a bit of logical extrapolation but it does seem to be the case with some videos, this one being a good example. It seems as if you’re attempting to read a tiny bit faster than you’re facial muscles are comfortable with, thus slightly negatively effecting your diction. I understand this is your job and in any job sometimes you just have to go into get it done mode, but when you read a little too fast your words blend together and become much more difficult for the listener to properly discern. In this particular video, I put it on 0.75x playback speed and you are much more intelligible and the “slowed down” effect is so slightly detectable that it nearly sounds normal. Whereas, at full speed every other word steps on the one following it and the video suffers a bit for it. I don’t mean any of this to be rude Like I said I am a huge fan. Just some healthy constructive criticism. Keep up the fantastic and interesting content. Sorry if I’m a total jerk for daring to critique His Royal Highness of facts and cereal.

[@LarryPhischman]

Simon, Confucius clearly said that ad reads go at the end of videos so they're easier to skip.

[@TodayIFoundOut]

But advertisers say, "Channel who puts ads at end, does not get paid enough to produce highly researched videos." -Daven

[@theredrover3217]

@@TodayIFoundOut 🤣 Fact of life as we have it now. Well I can't really blame you guys but would not mind at all if you spoke at hyperspeed through the commercials - then cut it down a notch for your content. 😁

[@the_hamrat]

​@@TodayIFoundOut shots fired 🤣

[@NnH_Kairyu]

1:13 😅

[@daviddavidson2357]

Confuscius say use vanced before KZbin change api again.

[@NotouchJzargo]

I don't know why but, hearing Simon say "Dank memes" made me laugh more then it should.

[@batchmotorsport]

Gee the brain blaze channel will really blow your mind

[@adriankalitka3762]

Confucius says "he who goes to bed with itchy ass wakes up with smelly fingers"

[@rustyspoony]

Confucius say, "He who stands on toilet is high on pot."

[@Dommommy]

I was looking for this one 💜😂

[@exudeku]

As Sun Tzu stated: "Lol" he said "Lmao"

[@scruffycavetroll7547]

Video title / thumbnail and tatu reference is pure gold I have to watch that video now then take a cold shower

[@theclandestinewitness]

Confucius says “Baseball all wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.”

[@nickwilde555]

Ballsssss

[@alec006a15]

I like how a man can make an entire video about how making "Confucius say" jokes is generally a dick move, and 99% of comments are Confucius say jokes.

[@kobrien6657]

I totally went straight to the comments for the jokes

[@joshyoung1440]

I mean, that's not what the entire video was about.

[@spookytkid]

because they are funny

[@manaash4316]

The internet, ladies, gents, and thems.

[@Blox117]

Man who make many comment, not watch video

[@tophers3756]

So, I'm to believe Confucius never said "man with hands in pockets not always play with keys" ?

[@sosomadman]

Man with hand in pocket is said to have; hand full of happyness

[@fritopindayho]

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

[@4BillC]

I heard man with hand in pocket feels cocky all day...

[@joshyoung1440]

WELL ONLY IF YOU WANT TO SPOIL THE VIDEO. MAYBE I WANTED TO BELIEVE HE WAS WISE IN THE WAYS OF MASTURBATION UNTIL SIMON SAID OTHERWISE. THANKS.

[@tsartomato]

my favorite quote is "i forbid you to crap"

[@aceofspadess4945]

Confucius say " He who fart in church sits in own pew."

[@merdufer]

The three main Chinese philosophies Confucians: Be kind. Be educated. Be obedient. Taoists: There's a massive fish living in the ocean that turns into a massive bird when the wind lifts it up. Be like that fish-bird thing and go with the flow my dude. Buddhists: Everything is nothing. Nothing is everything. *sips tea and looks profound*

[@merdufer]

@Malverde 💚 Way to trivialize racial hatred and ethnic cleansing by comparing it to shitty economic policies.

[@danielled8665]

Or, Buddhist is more like "Reduce suffering, transcend reality."

[@NKA23]

@Malverde 💚 Actually that's wrong anyway, Hitler just had 6 million Jews killed, but the Nazis killed other groups of innocent people as well. Disabled people, jobless people, mentally disordered people, people sick of STDs, petty criminals, communists, anarchists, atheists, worker's union members, socialdemocrats, gypsies, slavs, homeless people, more than 10 millions all in all. The Jews were "only" the largest group of innocent civilians they hunted down and murdered, but not the only group by far.

[@evilwelshman]

You forgot Legalism a.k.a. "We need rules to not be bellends." or "Just follow the rules, dammit!" 😁😁

[@merdufer]

@@danielled8665 Yeah I was thinking about the Chinese Chan-Buddhism specifically. Buddhism overall is about reducing suffering.

[@DIOsNotDead]

“catnip got me acting.. unwise” - Confucius, probably

[@Klipschrf35]

Thats yoda

[@DIOsNotDead]

@@Klipschrf35 misremembered this meme, you have, dear stranger

[@Zz7722zZ]

Probably not

[@kcollier2192]

Confucius say laughing out loud banned in Hawaii but you are allowed a low ha.

[@danielreuben1058]

I have a PhD in Religion, specializing in Buddhist and Hindu thought. I had to do a comprehensive exam (a semester long paper around 150 pages long), and I did Confucius. To this day, I call it Confusionism because it was such a difficult paper, that left me in awe of scholars of Confucius. Like the late Henry Rosemont who gave me great advice during the paper. This was a well thought out video, and thanks for touching on the different time periods and their impact.

[@11Hemi345]

Not to be a dick, but what type of job does a PhD in religion get you?

[@frostfire6579]

So many philosophers, so little verified philosophy

[@bazzfromthebackground3696]

Isn't philosophy by its very nature abstract?

[@worldpeace_2644]

No, that is a common misconception among people who think it is useless. Some sects of philosophy are merely more aphorical than others. Confucius may appear more abstract than Western philosophers, but he had a similar ethical system to Aristotle-and Aristotle invented logic. He is a big deal. Do keep in mind that philosophy gave rise to every science, and is required for the examination of data beyond algorithmic analysis, as algorithms are quite limited in giving us answers that fit a whole.

[@worldpeace_2644]

*Aristotle codified logic in game-changing ways.

[@ollie1704]

Confucius once said " man only learn to solve problems without violence when mosquito lands on man's balls "

[@nickwilde555]

Balllsssss

[@ChandlerBiloxi]

"Felt but controlled" is exactly a vulcan

[@marcpeterson1092]

I was going to comment that at least in the first series, they are inconsistent. Sometimes, if Spock has emotions, it's harmful. "you're killing him!"

[@willmfrank]

Be careful, now; you're dangerously close to starting a "Surak say" thread... ;-)

[@baKanale]

Can we start attributing Confucious jokes to Ben Franklin instead? They'd be equally as accurate, but I get the feeling ol' Ben would have appreciated it more, especially the bawdy ones.

[@Ash_Wen-li]

"It you want to eat the fruit of victory, you must first sow the seeds of doubt and confusion in your enemies." - Sun Tzu, maybe

[@Blox117]

"Ok stop eating now" - Sun Tzu visiting USA

[@mikaelaincase2157]

That sounds like modern media narrative

[@WitchVulgar]

"A smart man gives a shit, a wise man takes one" (Confucius, 1649)

[@audreymuzingo933]

The 'Condition' box on all my Ebay sales items read: 'He who clicks on Full Description can read what he might regret not reading.' Confucius 485 A.D. I get so many buyers and fellow sellers writing to say they love it. Basically its stupid to have a separate 'condition' box when the seller can describe condition in the description box, plus all the other important stuff the buyer needs to know. So this is my work-around since I have to write SOMETHING in the condition box.

[@OvertravelX]

“Man who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary”

[@marcpeterson1092]

Growing up, I was always told, eat every carrot and pea on your plate.

[@davidanderson4091]

Confucius say: _"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!"_

[@xeenslayer]

Not disappointed by the comments section. Well done guys!

[@nowthatsjustducky]

Did you have any doubts?

[@joshyoung1440]

"Man who fart in church sit in own pew." Ah, Simon, I see you are a man of culture as well. But did you know that Indian who drink too much tea, drown in own tea-pee?

[@LaikaLycanthrope]

Confucious say: "Never raise hands to children. It leave groin exposed."

[@Midnyte_Angel]

Confucius say "he who farts in church sits in own pew." And "he who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes up with stinky finger." I've only heard these.

[@Katiethewizard]

"If you go to bed eating cookies, you wake up feeling crummy" -Confucius

[@montecorbit8280]

At 3:29 Confucius say.... "Confucius say; man with deadly hands must take great care when slapping on aftershave...."

[@nfwolfaardt]

"Man who runs in front of truck will get tired, but man who runs behind truck will get exhausted"

[@andrewwebb2141]

Germany vs Greece International Philosophy Confucius say “Name go in book” 😀

[@nannettefreeman7331]

Confucius say: He who laughs last doesn't get joke. ✌🏼

[@JeffKing310]

My favourite Confucius quote: “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

[@Blox117]

man who bust too early, get ghost

[@nowthatsjustducky]

Confucious say, "Pull my finger." Or is that better misattributed to Ben Franklin?

[@NavajoNinja]

"Many screws to build crib, only one to fill it."

[@erickortiz765]

"Though it takes many nails to build a crib, it only takes one screw to fill it"

[@JC-ks3yk]

Confucius simply codified and gave structure to cultural norms that had existed for centuries. His disciples modified those codes and structures to suit the times they were living in. Even Xi Jinping has "authored" a book about how to read Confucius and "The Classics" as a good communist.

[@dudebroski9460]

a key that opens many locks is a master key, a lock that is opened by many keys is a shitty lock.

[@sosomadman]

Man who works out in front of car gets tired, he works out behind get exhausted but those who do it on railway track, gets good training

[@nHans]

Confounded Confucius confusion conclusion: Simon says the seer seldom said stuff he's said to have said.

[@OneMadPhotographer]

"Man who owns two clocks never knows what time it is."

[@plasenticusfeeticus9422]

Use the force, Captain Kirk. - Confucius. Boston, Massachusetts 1932 colorized.

[@diyeana]

🤣

[@herbsandberries]

Holiday? I’m American. I’ll be lucky if I get a day off on a federal holiday

[@LoveClassicMusic0205]

Confucius say "Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup".

[@glenngriffon8032]

Nice t.A.T.u. reference in the thumbnail

[@AaronPetrosky412]

Confucius says, man whose buys cheap toilet paper will soon be in touch with inner self.

[@masterimbecile]

Coming from a Chinese, this laowai did a decent job!

[@tanakaba]

"Man who runs behind car will be exhausted, but those who run in front of car will be tired."

[@sosomadman]

Man who run on railway track get good training

[@0ceanmachine]

Speaking of Squarespace, Simon, you need to sort your merch site out so the header doesn't say "business blaze"

[@InquisMalleus]

When I was taking Chinese history, they spent a good amount of time on Confucius and Confucianism. One thing the teacher found highly amusing was that he was a canterkerous old man with a bad temper who made his students miserable. Not only was he harsh in his criticisms but also very blunt - often to the point of rudeness, he was also a massive perfectionist. One student said "if the mat was not straight, the master would not sit", and he berated his students over minor errors in ritual. But to underline his importance, only two Chinese people in history have Westernized names - Kung-fu Tze and Meng-fu Tze as Confucius and Mencius.

[@joshyoung1440]

I read this comment literally 2 minutes after finally thinking to myself "wait a minute... 'Confucius' has some phonemes that are clearly absent in Chinese..." I felt like an idiot and wondered how someone like me for whom phonology was such a huge part of my college education could have never noticed that. Then boom, like providence, your comment had the answer. Thank you haha

[@q851230]

And EVERY student who has to learn Chinese hate him ,I'm talking about people who educated in full CH system who can read all the paper but he made everyone's school years miserable. In many way,An asshole in today's stander too. (But the ritual part is bc at the time ritual /class is very strict)

[@martinh8784]

"Man running in front of car gets tired. Man running behind car gets exhausted."

[@williammcdonough6342]

"...just one screw..." Ahhhhh, I get it! LMAO!! XD

[@usonumabeach300]

Confucius say baseball is wrong, man with 4 balls can't walk Confucius say man who stand on toilet is high on pot Confucius say man who go to bed with itchy butt wakes up with stinky fingers

[@misterno-ice-guy8082]

Here's a joke from The Firesign Theatre: "We, in the hippie republic of China, took a democratic vote. We threw I-Ching out the window; we are now unanimous." The joke works in two ways if you consider that I-Ching might be the name of one opposed to the proposal (whatever it was, I forget)

[@darthphilfy]

Confucius say "Go to bed with itchy bum, wake up stinky finger."

[@joshbunton6424]

Confucius say Simon needs more channels

[@VoteQuimby4Mayor]

Confucius say, “baseball wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.”

[@donaldkelly3983]

Jesus, Confucius, and Socrates - at least they tried.

[@LoveClassicMusic0205]

Confucius say "Crowded elevator smell different to midget".

[@testicularoxide5055]

Man who makes sammich with no bread finds it hard to hold his meat...🤔

[@baggieknight8411]

Simon it's "YINGYANG" THERE IS NO "AND" THEY ARE BOUND TOGETHER TO SAY YING"and" YANG WOULD MEAN THAT EACH ARE SEPARATE AND CAN EXIST WITHOUT THE OTHER!! THEY ARE THE VISUAL INTERPRETATION OF "POLAR OPPOSITES" As in dark/light up/down hot/cold love/hate pain /pleasure For every action there's an equal but opposite reaction

[@dingusdingus2152]

Confucius say, woman who fly airplane upside down, going to have crackup

[@Yezpahr]

Alternative reality Confucius who had Nostradamus-level spooky foresights: "Put not in your atmosphere what you want out".

[@AtomicHaircuts]

So we're just going to pretend that blatant Tatu reference in the thumbnail didn't happen? Is that what we've become?

[@theenzoferrari458]

Everyone talks about Confucius say but what about Simon says?

[@willmfrank]

Simon says "It's not aliens; it's never aliens. What is wrong with you?" Simon says "Don't write down your crimes! What are you doing, my dude?" Seriously, he could start yet another KZbin channel with all of them...!

[@elfpimp1]

Confucius say: "I didn't say that."

[@snowdog03]

The Brothers Grimm also liked to collect fairy tales.

[@stickybuns8626]

Confucius say; Man who go to sleep with itchy butt, wake up with stinky fingers.

[@Khalrua]

“When the river runs red take the dirt path”

[@snowdog03]

One screw to fill a crib... Lol

[@jefferywilliams4533]

Confucius say, man who walk sideways thru airport turnstile, going to Bangkok.

[@rolanddeschain9139]

Confusius say: Man who walks through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok

[@DadJeff-jo7pm]

Confucious more than likely didn't say many if any of these that are attributed to him. He, in his time, was Learned, Intelligent, Forward thinking, ahead of his time, etc. Passing along the Wisdom that he had learned to the next (younger) generation as ALL Scholars/Teachers etc. have thruought History. "This is the Way" that Traditions, Beliefs, Oral Histories, Legends, etc. survive thruought Time. Everyone has "Confucious says" quotes, many repeated Everywhere, some Regional, etc. But, I would be TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY AND AMAZED if it were found to be True of Him saying one or more quotes!! Hmmmm, then I guess by the description Simon gives, I'm an adherent of Confusianism. I did not know this option was available. Or rather I didn't Realize I was involved/part of any Organized Religion. Hmmmm, food for thought here, Self-search to find out Truth.

[@nowthatsjustducky]

Dust, wind, duuuuude...

[@Modenut]

Nice touch with Tatu in the thumbnail 😄

[@FreakinSpooky]

"Only when mosquito lands on testicles does one learn to solve problems without violence" - Confucius

[@FiddlerForest]

please do a series on the warring states era!

[@jasonhare8540]

Confucius say man who buys single ply toilet paper deserves shit on pants . Me , to my cheap former roommate. Some lessons are self-evident 🤣

[@andrewdarlington7115]

Man who buy cheap toilet paper soon to be in touch with inner self...

[@Happyland_Motel_Gamer_Cat]

Confucius say "McDonalds is older than me"

[@baggieknight8411]

Confus say "Man goes to bed with itchy bum, wake up with stinky fingers!!"

[@RustyHaloMetalDetecting]

Confucius say, one who stands on toilet, is high on pot.

[@nBasedAce]

Confucius say, boy student who mess around with girl student during wrong period get caught red handed.

[@the_king_kj2958]

Confucius say "kistank! Your busted!"