Discover your neurodivergent masks

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Discovering your Masks ADHD & Autism Workbook
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[@thethoughtspot222]

Hey guys! I’ll be filling out the workbook on next week’s video. Go download it now so we can do it together🤗

[@stephaniepittaluga5057]

I really love your energy ♥️ what a wonderful mission statement for your channel! ADHD with anxiety including social anxiety here. Much overlap apparently.

[@elliotpayton1033]

Growing up, I honestly didn’t realize the masking until I thought about how different and more “free” I was when I was alone. I remember one or twice a week I would get two hours of pure alone time at home. Those two hours were what I looked forward to all week, and I recall calling it being able to “decompose”.

[@MsAmybutterfly]

I realised I was autistic when i noticed I was a completely different person with my parents and my long-term partner (we’re living together) compared to who I am with everybody else (even friends. even close friends…)

[@dmgroberts5471]

There's nothing like being in a space where you can relax, and drop the masks, is there? I'm never happier than when I have a locked door between me and the rest of the world, even for a few minutes. I've always gone to the toilet just to take a moment to process.

[@sorou]

I UNDERSTAND THIS SO DEEPLY i call my alone time “being in the hole” because it’s like i get to burrow and be a weird little animal for a while 😂

[@StormsofPeril]

I think I mask when I'm at school, or around people. I kept thinking that I wished I was calm and quiet all the time. So I probably mask more than I realized. I can't tell if I'm naturally social (But also introvered; which makes me an omnivert) or if that's all a mask. If I'm not actually extroverted at all

[@cawfee-pv9ib]

This. Oh my god. If I don’t get time alone to shut off and play videos games or read or something, I get so worn out and in such a horrible mood

[@jannettb7930]

I never knew that what I called "hats" or roles I would play was actually masking! People are often very surprised to find out that I hate phone calls almost to the point of a phobia, because at work I am often making and receiving phone calls in a very successful and productive way. But that's because when I'm at work, my 'secretary' hat is on and I'm playing the role. When I go grocery shopping, I'm playing the 'house mom' role like a tv character. I often feel like I'm a bit character in someone else's movie, 'female shopper 3' or 'unnamed clerk' in their movie credits. Sometimes it feels like if I took a book off the shelf or picked up a product it would just be a cardboard facade, because even though it looks like a familiar place, it feels like a set.

[@hoppingbunny1011]

Y E S Thank you for putting it into words

[@tr0picknowledge]

THIS! Thank you for sharing.

[@princessisabellaofbourbon-8281]

Omg I’ve written almost this exact words on my diary before… it feels so validating lol, thanks for sharing ❤️‍🩹

[@suicideshy451]

Now playing echo by gumi

[@brennaturton6891]

Does it also stress you out to be in a room full of s bunch of people you know. My brain short circuits a bit. My neutral-to-people-around-me-without-being-suspiciously-bland hat is hard to find and harder to wear.

[@myshavikes6263]

I am so curious is anyone else feels judged 100% of the time. I have never had an interaction with anyone, including my very close friends and partners, where I have felt completely open. I'm sure this has to do with my childhood trauma as well.

[@daesungscurlyhair]

Yes. There is only ONE person I've been 100% open with and it wasn't even my husband or own child. Every other interaction has felt scripted or masked, even at home.

[@fighttheevilrobots3417]

I do feel that way, but recognize it is pathological. I have learned to dismiss these thoughts by recognizing most people just don't care enough about me to judge me in any substantial way. They just want to get on with their day.

[@It_a_Kis]

Felt it so hard.... I am always embarrassed about something about me no matter how close I am to someone and feel like I need to hide it

[@jimiwills]

^this

[@kimberlyna13]

youre not alone, i get along with kids better than adults because of this

[@yvonnem9045]

I notice that other conditions like PTSD, anxiety, or depression can also cause people to mask. Interesting stuff.

[@jazzcelaya]

gotta catch them all 🎶

[@sakurahirawa]

@@jazzcelayaLOL. Felt that.

[@sakurahirawa]

@@Givebackthescarf can confirm. I have many catches.

[@cloud9beauty]

C-ptsd is a neurodivergency, it changes how our brains physically develop and aligns our thought processes more closely to this of autistic and adhd ppl. Often there are comorbidities between the three.

[@emmynother1164]

@@cloud9beauty true, even though I would like to add that it is classified as an "acquired neurodivergency" because people with PTSD/CPTSD are not born with it.

[@cawfee-pv9ib]

Masking is also why I feel like I can’t mix my friend group - each group seems so distinct, probably because I wear specific masks when I hang out with each of them. If they were all together I’m not sure how I would act

[@user-dq2ym1nn9k]

I have never related to a comment more. thankyou

[@Isa-it7df]

Omg that is so true i never realized

[@johnsamson9680]

Yeah the few times that I did have them together at birthdays I just felt so embarrassed… this is a revelation to me and makes so much sense 😅 I had never even heard of masking before this video either.

[@JustSomeFellow7458]

I can't even begin to describe how much I relate to this, wow. Literally down to a T. I feel like it's becoming an issue though because I think some of my friends are starting to wonder *why* I'm not crossing them over... There's other reasons too, but this is absolutely one of them (maybe even the foremost one).

[@rachaeldewild1263]

I realized this in my late teens and I felt like I was a bad person for it.

[@avanahmad2051]

Writing this with tears falling from my face. I just came across this video. You have touched my heart and I’m soul. 36y born Kurdish living in USA and for the first time I see myself and I’m crying for my self. Thank you❤️😭❤️❤️❤️

[@robinvanderpal372]

❤

[@aSwiftieTV]

❤️

[@muhammadsaqeeb5298]

The way you opened open up about how masking gets uncomfortable as you get more intimate.. oh man i feel so validated of so much pain thank you

[@muhammadsaqeeb5298]

Thank you soo much

[@antisocialbear-wolf]

Was listening to this video and my brain started to list all the ways I've described this to people without even realizing it: "I fill whatever social role the group needs." Or "you just gotta set my settings the first time, like the cookies on a website." Or "I have different versions of myself for different people." And occasionally "I'm to tired to be this for you right now." I'm seeing some similarities here...

[@jossypoo]

People bullied me for "being two-faced" or "telling people what they wanted to hear"

[@mus1c3gg]

​@@jossypooyeah huh.. who's two-faced here for real ...?! isn't people pleasing what they asked for? why is it wrong now?

[@jossypoo]

@@mus1c3gg ooooh i LIKE that! "You aren't pleasing to people", but also "you're too much of a people pleaser!

[@suqadiqniwa]

​@@jossypoonarcisists are braindead opinionated individuals, stay away from them, theyre completely useless :)

[@meghansullivan6812]

Or “social chameleon” 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲

[@bluedreamer6564]

I literally got chills at 10:50 when you said that you tend to mask more in an uncomfortable way with people you have history with because you feel you have to maintain that established dynamic. It hit so hard. That's definitely an issue with me. If people already know me a certain way, and I wasn't comfortable enough right off the bat, I can't just suddenly start being myself around them, because they'll think I'm actually being unlike myself and wonder what's gotten into me. So, it's some of my closest relationships that it affects. Also, love the point you made about utilizing masking to more purposefully express aspects of yourself that are actually authentic. This is such a thorough an well-made video.

[@planetaryg0]

i feel like i'm acting 100% of the time in social situations, but google tells me this is normal for neurotypicals too. so idk

[@robinvanderpal372]

hehe oof ouch that hits close to home :'/

[@johanjonsson2190]

Same here. It's the first time i hear someone else feeling this way. I'm so happy to hear. I feel like this is the main reason i never really had a close friend. Apart from my girlfriend (first girlfriend, been together since i was 19, five years now). She's the first one i've found irl that resonates with me. Neither of us has diagnoses, but i likely am somewhere on the autism spectrum, and she has ADHD.

[@elinamakela8435]

I have 'work me' who is quite skilled at small talk and has appropriate facial impressions. The problem is that if I need to really WORK and concentrate, I forget my mask and people think I'm sick, sad or angry. When I'm unmasking at home for long enough I get more and more sensitive to small stimulus, which makes me great with animals, but I also start to resemble a wild animal and completely forget how to socialize...

[@Average_Dominos_Employee]

You might be a therian. Look it up, it’s a person who feels like or identifies with an animal internally. It isn’t like being a furry or anything like that. I’m not one, but I totally support them ❤

[@ghenetwellness4780]

I got a farm. Suddenly I feel "normal"

[@lindac6919]

Yes, this. I present so differently from what I really am.

[@marciesalkowski8139]

my recent ex took it personal when i came home 😅overstimulated… i never lashed out, i was just exhausted and a little quiet

[@doreal]

I answered yes to all except the last question. Normally, I act bubbly, but as a very young child, my mother would tell me to smile more. Now, I smile even when I am annoyed or down.

[@heedmydemands]

that sounds tough

[@helenal4657]

Same here

[@cypher_2259]

smiling thoughout diversity can be very powerful

[@regrettispaghetti2517]

​@cypher_2259 i think you might mean adversity my guy

[@DrummerrDuckie]

@cypher_2259 It can also be very harmful due to the imbalance it causes

[@mikemcdonald7281]

I tried masking when I was younger by emulating behavior of my classmates in school. But people just didn’t allow me to fit in and so I was alienated for much of my experience in school.

[@heedmydemands]

me too, but at least school isn't just people, there's also learning, i found a lot of stuff interesting, including people

[@mus1c3gg]

​@@heedmydemandsi know right? other people's interests, conflicts, motives, actions etc... it was so fascinating to navigate the zoo. until you remember you also want to be included and then you realise how alienated you were.

[@lovelydolltime8006]

I personally tried emulating cartoon characters when I was in elementary school. I would watch shows like Hey Arnold, The Powerpuff Girls (the original one, not the stupid reboot), and Winx Club and then try to act like the characters from those shows as an effort to try and fit in with my classmates.

[@heedmydemands]

@@lovelydolltime8006 I guess it probably didn't go perfect eh?

[@heedmydemands]

@@mus1c3gg yeah from the people watching part it's fine but you are right in there and it can be lonely

[@peyton3364]

This video made me realize I’ve been masking my whole life. Now that I’m out of school I’ve found myself unwilling to go into any social situations that I don’t absolutely have to go to because I’m so exhausted from trying to figure out who I need to be all the time. I really related to the part about the level of masking depending on the kind of people you’re around. I find that I mask much more heavily around people who are loud or very opinionated verses people who are more laid back because I’m afraid they’re going to loudly criticize me or something I’ve said in front of everyone

[@gabrielajoana9511]

Wow I feel the same

[@KaylaLKwon]

Your situation is just like me, but in my case, I’m non-verbal, and people including my family and friends never understood about why I’m short of words and non-verbal. Now they’re slowly getting to know who I really am..

[@AlonsoMontero]

I’m in my mid 30s and my advice to you is that it’s okay to be selective when it comes to sharing opinions or listening to others you don’t agree with. I tend to mask because I guess I want to be polite, but in my inner circle I know I can share my thoughts and feelings without being too judged. It gets easier especially when you get out of toxic environments, so eventually you won’t need to mask as much when you find the right people to be and feel more like yourself. Best of luck to you, and btw excuse my English cuz it’s not my first language lol.

[@angelvee5093]

Because of masking all my life when the lockdown happened I had a MASSIVE identity crisis that is still kinda going on but it was at it’s peak for about 2 years… I turned those separate identities/masks into characters through art and it really helped me cope and finally understand that I’m all of them, I’ve never been just one. Now I just stay close to the people I don’t feel judged by so I can mask as little as possible but I still find myself making new masks for new social situations even though I would just like to be myself…. It feels like I don’t know how to even though I obviously do.

[@sahirahvasquez6211]

you... just shook my whole world and delivered an epiphany. thank you l

[@angelvee5093]

@@sahirahvasquez6211 I’m so glad my comment did that for you I wish you infinite blessings and endless epiphanies ❤️

[@SerenEnfys]

I honestly hate how much it sounds so simple to do and it feels like someone is screaming at me to press the red button and I don't see any buttons let alone a red one... It makes sense that I've phrased it over the years as though I never got the "unspoken handbook" on how to do life and be a human. I'm sure you're doing a great job! Lots of care after that massive identity crisis... WHICH, I've been wondering if this is something autistic people experience a lot? I have called them spiritual awakenings before too lol, they're just like massive "My life is a lie" moments and I go into a complete meltdown?? Eheheh 😅

[@meghansullivan6812]

WOAH good fkn point about lockdown induced identity crisis

[@angelvee5093]

@@SerenEnfys I think the reason a lot of autistic people find themselves going through identity crises has a lot to do with how we’re socialized, especially in formative years. It’s difficult to just be ourselves in a world where we are constantly being made to feel like whatever we say or do is “annoying” or “rude”. We also tend to be very sensitive to criticism and perceived and/or real rejection and for most of my life I would do anything to avoid that feeling even if it meant creating a new ideal personality for myself every few months. I still struggle with that hypersensitivity which is why I try to be around nonjudgmental people and other neurodivergent folks who can empathize with what I go through. That been essential in my healing and unmasking journey and I HIGHLY recommend other people to do the same, because in the end, no opinion matters more than your peace.

[@ciaraskeleton]

My mask started to crack before I realised what was happening. I just went 'ok, I can't physically or mentally handle being social, acting normal, or following society, I'm going to do my own thing'. I knew something was up with me, I just didn't know what yet. That positive isolation essentially led me to being able to realise that yes, I am autistic. (Now in process of diagnosis). On my own my confidence skyrockets. Being able to indulge in MY interests MY way. I realised that outside my home, I mask. Even if I really want to socialise, I mask. Hard. I exhaust myself into suicidal burnouts. Now I'm trying to integrate these parts of myself. I want to start unpacking the layers of masks. I want to be able to socialise the odd time and not go into a full burnout after. I think telling people up front what my needs and boundaries are and letting them decide then and there if they want to engage further is key. Let the people that drain your energy go. They're never worth it. I try to weigh up whether it's actually worth exhausting myself even slightly for this person. I know it sounds harsh but most peoples reactions will surprise you! I'm on a journey of finding people who will compromise with me and my needs. I'm not afraid anymore of losing people, cause those people waste my precious masking energy 😂 cause I don't have anyyyy to spare

[@Gnomereginam]

Congrats for being able to isolate yourself, positive isolation is a good term for it. I got to do it too, it saved my life and changed my attitude completely. I can't imagine what it's like for people who never get extended periods of isolation and freedom.

[@mus1c3gg]

Compensation and accommodation are key here. good luck dear, trying my best as well.

[@chiaravischi]

I suggest everybody on the spectrum to hung out as much as they can with NT people with HIGH IQ, in my personal experience I never had bad problems with them (I was mistakenly put on a "genius class" for years in high school and I felt just fine with my nerdy classmates even if I was different) .as long as I was in a group of friends with Particularly Intelligent people in my life is when I felt more understood and liked while in a predominantly NT enviroment ,I was never the popular one but for all my youth I always had a small group of very close friends (circles of 3 to 4 are just fine ,NO MORE), .....in my life my 3 best friends (I had them in different phases) all had high IQ level ,neuro tipical that never saw something too strange or unlikable in me (unlike many others) ,they cared about my opinions and listened to me unlike "the rest of the world ",the fact they were socially super skilled helped me a LOT . over the years I "disconnected" with those best friends for pratical reasons and once I found myself "all alone" lost in a Averege to low IQ Nt world I started struggling socially,...I tried to conquer new NT people (no ambitious, low cultural level,no college, people that never read author books,etc,...)people I "Liked" but so many misunderstanding were arising here and there ALL THE TIME that at one point I was EXAUSTED and I Started self isolating more and more and more …choosing self isolation over social connection most of the time (thats how I discovered my autism ) ......it s only recently (since when I started studying how autism affect my life ) I started noticing a strong corrispondence with the ONLY NT people I truly connected in my life (in the past) and their HIGH IQ LEVEL (people expectionally good at school without even trying or people or/with a mind blowing natural verbal abilities or even crazy-good social abilities ) (honestly? I tend to be liked more by a logic mathematical high IQ college educated person than with an avarage IQ NT artistic type of person and I'm an artistic type ) ....ITS KIND OF SHOCKING .its not a matematical formula.....but it HELPS if you are autistic and looking for NT people to relate, befriend or connect to ;) JUST HUNG OUT WITH INTELLIGENT PEOPLE ,avoid as HELL all the people that has STRONG NEED to conform to social standards,no matter how friendly they seemed from afar. Once you start noticing these differences social life and connections could get eazier.

[@emysu]

I’m crying. I constantly mask in order to protect my true self from judgement and to ‘fit’ into what society expects. I’m so good at it and have excelled in my career up until now. But now I’ve reached my worst burn out ever. I’m trying to learn how to let the masks go, but it’s terrifying being so vulnerable. Hope we can all heal and feel comfy being our true selves, as chaotic and messy and imperfect as we are.

[@narutogoldylocks]

My whole life I have been told that I’m too serious and can’t take a joke. In high school I kept being told that I needed to get out of my shell, so I forced myself to act more outgoing. That drained me of all my energy, and in college I did a complete 180 and became super introverted with very high anxiety. I’ve always had anxiety but didn’t know what it was until college. (I graduated 5 years ago.) Now I’m working full time, my job is hybrid, & I’m doing grad school part time online. It is exhausting. And I feel my mask slipping at work. I can’t keep it together anymore. I am getting very emotional at work because I cannot control the environment & the sensory overwhelm is INSANE. I’ve been getting a lot more angry at work & it’s like 🙃 I see my professionalism going out the window because I do not have the energy to mask or pretend like shit doesn’t bother me anymore. It is exhausting

[@HoneyIYKYK]

It’s so exhausting. I feeeel this so much! I haven’t been able to hold a job for longer than 6 months at this point. It gets harder but it must get easier for us right??

[@intellectualesemv]

Yeah, I didn't realize I was masking until I was aware I was so exhausted after speaking with acquaintances or coworkers for an extended period of time. I engage in more small talk than usual and raise my perceived energy level around them. So tiring. I do it, partially, because I know they feel more connected to me and our conversation if I engage in these neurotypical behaviors. But I have to be alone after these situations. Otherwise, the overwhelm builds up and I have a meltdown.

[@cssruth]

The best way I can explain masking to a neurotypical person is to tell them that even neurotypical people mask. Small children who are neurotypical, will often get home from preschool and have undesirable behaviors after all day at school being in their best behaviors. This is because they were unconsciously trying to meet school expectations all day. They didn't know the teachers and other students well enough to know if it is safe to have a tantrum at school so their safety response is to suppress it and they don't know they are doing this. Then get home and something small at home will set them off on a huge tantrum because they don't have any more energy left after all the emotional work it takes to shove down and internally manage disappointment, fear, anger, and all the emotions they have not learned how to manage in a healthy way yet and don't have the brain development to handle.

[@FAX3N]

My mask is all about hiding myself and everything people could criticize, I don't have the energy, will and skill to fake convincingly and I think people would notice I was faking if I did. So the level of masking I use is to be decent but not to nice as to keep people at a distance and avoid saying anything that could be received in a negative way so i don't get a bad reputation. I mask all the time and don't even know who I am and what I want anymore. I have never felt that there has been any room for my feeling or thought so now they are buried so deep that I have a hard time reaching them and only feel the weight of them. I'm just a shell because i do not dare to have hope or expectations that can be crushed. I do not dare to have any feelings or thoughts expressed out of fear that if expressed to the wrong person could become the anchor that bulls me down and ends me. For more than half of my life I have just been a dissociation behind a mask, an observer of my life in 3d person so i don't get crushed under the boot that is this society we live in. I do have some hope that things can get better or i would not still be here but I wish i could be more whole and living instead of just alive.

[@irismoon8435]

I stuttered on that last question because at some point, I realized that I've been masking even at home when I was by myself. Like self talk...girl...Bubba and Queenie do not care what you're like as long as you're petting, feeding, and playing with them.

[@shibolinemress8913]

I definitely try to control my stims (which were always called fidgeting when I was young) in order not to offend others. In lectures or sermons, for example, I could pay more attention to the speaker if I avoided looking at them and instread fiddled with my nails or the ends of my hair. Of course to everyone else this looked like the exact opposite of paying attention. But if I made it a point to look at the speaker and acknowledge them by nodding and smiling, I over-did it and was told it looked weird. So I tried to sit where no one would notice me and I could stim if I felt I had to. But then of course some kind soul would come over and ask how I was doing. So in the end my only recourse was to supress my stims in public and do my best to fit in. But when I'm sitting at home watching a video, I rarely look directly at the speaker, singer, etc. because I find that facial expressions only distract me from what's being presented. Watching old silent films is quite fun, though, because I can look at the actors without having to simultaneously decode what they're saying. 😊

[@mus1c3gg]

subtitles all the time, baby! they're a wonderful tool when possible

[@lapislazulis2378]

I used to love watching Mr Bean. I could identify with that goofy, maladaptive silent character.

[@gabi.a]

TIP: do you stop yourself from doing something not harmfull if from of certain people for fear of their reaction? if yes, does it makes you stressed or sad? how much? my ideia here is that, as Irene said, it's normal to adjust our behavior to some situations, but I believe a NT won't get as stressed as a ND from doing it. (I know it's a bit of a superficial topic, but I don't wanna write an essay haha)

[@heedmydemands]

like fear that they will think you're weird? it definitely makes me sad when I feel shut down with what I want to talk about, I'm pretty affected by it, it's tough to move on.

[@elizabethivy1337]

Yes, I notice myself abstaining from inconsequential activities quite often for this reason. I've been trying to be more aware and work through those feelings, but I think a large part of it is coming from fear of being misunderstood. I'm really envious of people who seemingly do whatever occurs to them without any concern for others' interpretations and opinions. I would really like to manifest more of that same energy within myself.

[@Hellooooooohiiiii]

An NT very well could get upset over it, especially if they’ve experienced trauma, bullying or are anxious.

[@AliEveritt]

How would you explain the difference between masking autism vs masking social anxiety?

[@britsaunders2151]

I got told so often that I was too negative or depressing even when I felt I was in a great mood, happy, enthusiastic about things I love, etc... now I know my main mask is acting overly bubbly, sunny disposition, and talkative because I learned if I don't I'm going to be put in some sort of danger. If I'm not overly friendly, though some people may perceive it as "fake", I'm treated far worse. The mask is actively exhausting but if someone decides they don't like me for being too negative it often turns into a bullying situation where I go into a massive mental health crisis. This can come with hospitalization, job loss, a year long self hatred and feeling of being a worthless alien who can never make it. I come from a really abusive family so there is no one I can lean on if that happens. I'm just screwed. That mask is important but I really really wish others would just give me the respect and support I do my best to give them because then the burnout and exhaustion from the mask wouldn't be necessary. It also seems to come with no sense of self. The more I wear the mask, the more I have no idea who I am and the less understanding I have of those around me. It's very much a PTSD "keep your shields up" response.

[@rebeccamay6420]

The PTSD "shields up" response: I liken it to a puffer fish. When it feels threatened, it swells up to make itself look bigger and tougher and its spikes stick out to fend off would-be attackers. People also respond similarly, by acting tough and important and proud, when inside they are scared stupid and trying to conceal any weakness or vulnerability.

[@Masa0133]

I was late-diagnosed with ADHD and I always attributed me masking to my social anxiety. I'm not sure where one ends and the other begins but the older I get the more I realize how much energy masking takes. It has created some sort of dread whenever I have to go outside because keeping check of everything I do and everything around me has my brain in overdrive. I think having people judge me if I were to unmask would exhaust me even more because people disliking me or being disappointed or upset at me is so palpable to me. I might just be sensitive.

[@taylercornelius9011]

The minute I get home I feel so relaxed and able to freely be myself. People always say "just be yourself, you will make more friends" but I don't notice I'm not being myself. I'm just doing what i have always done

[@gem2148]

I feel like this masking issue has to do most with introversion, social anxiety & unregulated nervous system more than anything else

[@dhyana7880]

Hi ! Late diagnosed autistic female here. I actually am not introverted, never was socially anxious and my nervous system is unregulated but bc of multiple other factors (including ASD traits being hard to navigate in day-to-day lifeand full-on trauma) I still had to mask from early on and still do, trying to un-learn it or rather make it a conscious choice. I’m very blunt, outspoken about what I care about etc but masking is a mechanism that allowed me to socialize and not get mistreated bc of autistic symptoms

[@cameronschyuder9034]

No, autistic people mask because they do not "intuitively" socialize/communicate the same way as allistic folks, leading to misunderstandings and being criticized. It has nothing to do with introversion (there are extroverted autistic people who also mask) and though social anxiety is prevalent in autistic people, this again stems from previous negative experiences that force you to mask.

[@oksanakaido8437]

This is why I keep getting confused about what the defining characteristic(s) of autism would be, it feels like so much of it can be attributed to social anxiety/generally high anxiety levels/self consciousness, introversion and lack of social skills. And these social skills can definitely be tough to learn, I've struggled with them my whole life and still feel quite self-conscious around most people.

[@Crissynxander]

I love this video so much! There were a few things you said that I found to be very profound. 1.) Masking doesn't necessarily mean you're "faking". I was very confused and didn't think I was masking at all, because I never feel like I am pretending or lying. Except in situations dealing with work or school. But, that was a real a-ha moment for me... And made me realize I guess I mask a lot more than I initially thought! 2.) That masking becomes more uncomfortable when you establish history with someone. This one has made me feel alienated and sad sometimes! I didn't understand why I would feel anxious about seeing a friend I actually like to be around! So, it was so very nice and refreshing to hear you say that! I will definitely buy your workbook so I can take a deeper dive into this subject. Thank you for your videos!

[@oksanakaido8437]

Great summary of the key points... I think Masking becomes more uncomfortable if you have history w/ someone because you have a preconceived idea of how they see you, so you feel (consciously or unconsciously) like you have to fit that idea and start to mask. When in reality the other person may well be thinking more about themselves than about you and how you're acting.

[@akitoyaname7897]

I grew up not knowing i was autistic. My mother sorta abused me emotionally and verbally for how i acted, so i was basically having to mask from age 3+, didn't realize i was doing it 24/7. First burnout because of constantly masking at 14, second at 19. In the clinic at 19 i finally realized i was masking and am now at almost 21 finally diagnosed with autism. It's still a lot of work to unmask when i'm alone or around people i trust, but i'm getting better at letting the mask down. My relationship with my mother is slowly healing now that i know what the "issue" was and can explain my behaviour to her. Never give up, stand up for yourself. If you have the financial/insurance means, and you believe you are neurodiverse, go to a therapist to get it assessed, it can really help to understand yourself even if you turn out to not be nd. On another note, if your therapist is completely dismissive of your experienced symptoms, get a second or even third opinion. You have the right to be heard and seen.

[@thelonelyassassin8584]

I still can't tell if all of these symptoms are me having social anxiety or being neurodivergent

[@Maomaomahu]

When everyone thinks you have autism and you just said mhm to everything. Unfortunately getting diagnosed is hard where I live, however I’ve found that whether or not I have autism these videos really help me to function better and learn more about myself

[@matthewvalentyn751]

I don't know if I'm autistic specifically but I definitely am masking actively and currently based on these check boxes. I was not aware of my own actions. Lately I've been experiencing almost constant burnout with friends specifically and actively avoiding them outside of mandatory situations.

[@RjeanUrah]

My ex husband fell in love with my "mask" ... I tried to keep up the front but after a year it resulted in a mental breakdown. Huge mistake, hurt him unintentionally by hiding my true self. Never again lol, now i just scare men away by telling them the truth😏

[@kaylaparker5725]

The question when you asked would I be doing these behaviors if I was alone was extremely profound to me. I love talking to people, especially my loved ones, having fun, and connecting. but if I was left to my own devices, I would never talk.

[@dmgroberts5471]

I know I'm masking, because I feel tired and awkward after and during conversations. I have only recently managed to master the art of not waiting three seconds after the last person stopped talking, before I try to talk. If I'm really comfortable with someone, I can even interrupt them in a "natural" way. And then I realise that letting NTs have their turn to talk, and realising that I _should_ do so, _IS_ masking. Masking always has multiple layers - if there's anything we excel at, it's adding complexity to things that don't necessarily need it. Autism is really about rules; discovering existing rules, inventing rules that help you cope, rules to decide what level of rules are needed in a given situation...we're organizers, categorizers, sorters, keepers and managers of data...

[@neophoys]

The initial questions had me like: "Mhm.. mhm... mhm..." and so on ^^ Thank you for providing so much valuable insight into such a broad and sometimes overwhelming topic! I'm still at the very beginning of my self realization journey and struggle with imposter syndrome quite frequently. It feels very reassuring to have such a simple exercise to reassure myself that I'm not making all of this up! Much love

[@heedmydemands]

yeah the list was eye opening

[@julie.66]

You explain well, and with details, sometimes going deep..we can see you "feel" the things. i 🤍 it. Thank you

[@viktoriageorgieva6242]

I am 43 now, I started being aware that something might be off with me :D after the pandemic ended. I never got to return to my "normal" life with lost of socialization and bigger groups. I always have "58 out of 60 signs you might have autism", the sensory overload thing, the humor, the masking and scripting. I hate social situations, need to know who is gonna be there, what is to be done there, and all that jazz. The thing is drinking and substance abuse masked my autistic personality traits for 40 years and now I discover more and more about me when I restricted human contact and diminished my alcohol usage to minimum. I have a very social girlfriend and this is what helps me meeting new people and be present on social occasions. During the years I always wondered why the F I felt so miserable on team buildings , why can't I start the conversations with new people, why my palms are always sweating when talking to strangers. It all makes a lot of sense, but here in my country (Eastern Europe) people do not believe in such things and I don't mind roaming the world un-diagnosed as well :D.

[@croozerdog]

I was diagnosed at 23, never realized it was not normal to feel completely different as soon as I'm around people I'm slowly getting rid of the mask, some psychs might make the mistake of promoting it, since it's good for getting jobs and being social, but constantly wearing a mask gives some next level burnouts

[@whatreallyisart5898]

I thought I didn't mask at all for a long time, but over the beginning of the pandemic I changed so much socially and I act totally differently around people now

[@ImogenRoseFitness]

I feel like some of these are points of an introvert / shy person or anxious person which makes it difficult to understand whether it’s shyness / introvert or being neurodivergent 😩🤣

[@nirvanasunset]

When I was a teenager and was yet to be diagnosed, I always had a blank affect and talked in a drawn-out monotone type of way. Over time and becoming an adult in my twenties, I got tired of people asking if I was bored when at concerts etc. and that’s when I started forcing myself to smile all the time. For awhile, I felt uncertain that that was a true aspect of myself, but I realize now that being joyful etc. is one aspect of myself as I’m already fairly childlike in my demeanor. What isn’t sustainable is me being this way ALL THE TIME. It’s hard enough knowing I have a resting b*tch face - or resting autistic face as I like to say, but feeling forced to constantly show my emotions on my face is stressful and leads to burnout in the worst way. I end up reverting to a completely blank state all over my face and in my eyes and speak monotone again. Not to mention, I would say things in such a way that made others think I was being a smart a$$ or rude/an a$$hole when I’ve always just been straight to the point and asking genuine questions. So I had learned to communicate in a more NT style as well. I’ve been misunderstood my WHOLE LIFE and it’s been one of the most upsetting things I’ve experienced because no matter how much I revise my methods of communication, I still confuse and offend people. I basically acquired c-ptsd from it.

[@Joee_Kool]

this summs up everything I been feeling for a while.

[@user-dq2ym1nn9k]

same, my friend, same. It's can feel painful xox

[@chrissyp111]

I know I'm masking if the thing I'm doing drains me. So if I were to do that particular thing for an hour, and if after I'd be drained/depleated of energy, I know that is a mask. For example, the way I talk with/interact with a new person. It takes a lot of pep, eye contact, and standing still. Not to mention, remembering the proper verbiage ("how are you" "I understand" etc.) One straight hour of this would send me straight into needing to retreat solo. I'd be so exhausted I'd have to "recharge".

[@jumbolumps666]

This explains why I max out with certain people at the 30-40 minute mark. Because I'm being fake-polite the entire time and it is exhausting!

[@kallistars]

i recently found your channel and have been watching so many videos and many of them have left me crying after deep reflection and realization that i've been masking for a very long time. i'm still learning about autism and i find your videos incredibly approachable and informative. a lot of online resources i had previously consulted have always had me dismiss my own conceptions that i might be autistic, but hearing directly from an autistic person instead of a very medical perspective has helped me understand autism a lot better ❤

[@ratk0zm0z]

How you explained the complexities of masking with those you know well and long term was spot on I respect how articulate and specific you are

[@gazslxt]

Thank you so much for this. I would have meltdowns around my family often when forced into social interactions with them, and I never understood why. You are an angel.

[@stephaniewright5424]

First video of yours i’ve seen-THANK YOUUUUU…you just verbalized and validated everything I felt in my entire grad school experience

[@natalgratea2365]

I appreciate you for making these workbooks and videos available. It really means a lot especially when people like me are just now understanding an adult diagnosis of sorts- and being lost in finding the "best" out of the US health care system. It's not as simple as it should be. So I'm super thankful. ♥️

[@stellasoulintuition]

You come across as authentically wholesome x this is so sweet 💓

[@israelmateaki9235]

you’re actually insane for all this work you’re putting out. thank you!

[@Pinkiiiiii9]

Girl, thank you for this video, I literally answered resounding 100% yeses to every single question. You're saving my life rn

[@gabi.a]

Many times I get kinda anxious, I feel like a pressure cook pot and hold my breath for a few second. I thoght that was my normal reaction to upsetment. I noticed that now that I'm diagnosed, when that feeling starts, I let a stim out, like shake my hands a bit. I had absolutely no ideia I was holding something back. thanks for the short video hehe

[@ptlovelight2971]

Your works books are so helpful! I like the layout and found them easy to use... On masking: I find it so torturous, to know that I must mask to appear socially acceptable. But to unmask risks being a social outcast. I do find that I'm masking a bit less now (meaning, I'm not trying so hard at it like before) and I think it's because of my therapy and lots of self acceptance of my neurodivergence. I let my eyes drift in conversation, I may shift tone of my voice, and I just let myself get loud and hand flappy if I want to. Its been very helpful!

[@raven4090]

Thank you for this amazing description of masking. It's the best I've ever come across. I found it very helpful and comforting.

[@Sarah-bb8hl]

This was really helpful, thank you. So many channels talk about masking as something they’ve always known they do, they just didn’t know what it was called/why. It’s validating to hear that I’m not the only one who was unaware I was masking for most of my life. Only diagnosed a few weeks ago at age 32. ❤

[@Spirila]

Thank you for making me feel validated, it is so comforting to learn why I react the way I do and why I suffer from burnout most of the time 💜

[@jeffreyl5151]

Now I realize why I enjoy being alone at home on the computer, I will spend hours because I can jump from one topic/subject to another and not feel judged. I'm able to let my guard down and relax and enjoy the dopamine from surfing the web.

[@SamirCCat]

I've been aware my entire life that social interactions drain the shit out of me. To the point where I couldn't even be 8 hours a day in school from grade 1, but had to be "ill" 25% of the time because I was exhausted from all the social interactions. However, I'm really good at being social, and I can be very nice and charming and little butterfly that whirl in with energy and then leaves again quickly. I cannot be social with anyone for more than a few hours at a time. The rest of the day I need to be alone. If I'm forced to be in new places or meet new people, or socialise for more than 2 hours, I need the next day and the previous day to be free for me to recover. Free, and home alone. Obviously, I'm unable to work or study. I've suffered from mental illness for 20+ years. But is this really autism? I tick so many boxes, and was once investigated for it, but I have 0 problems understanding other people's social cues. I know exactly how someone feels but just hearing them say "hi" in the phone. If a stranger has a panic attack I can help better than an educated paramedic, because I instinctively understand what that person is going through. I'm highly sensitive to people's voices, facial expressions, words etc. I've never had problems with understanding how social interactions happen. It comes naturally. But it takes so much ENERGY!! Can I still be autistic?? All people, especially doctors and therapists, misunderstand me CONSTANTLY even though I explain a thousand different ways. No one understands me ever, and I hate it. But I understand them. And then I can't be autistic, can I? Is my masking from my social phobia, or is it autism even though I'm sensitive to other's people's feelings?

[@lidiamiota3234]

Answering to your last two questions, it could be both. It's really common for people to get misdiagnosis on anxiety, social phobia, social anxiety etc bc their symptoms lead to those. But in reality they are autistic and are showing those same symptoms bc of OTHER internal experiences (like sensory overload). I would recommend you looking into late diagnose autistic adults info, specially if you were raised as a woman. Afab are usually high masking and many of us are really good at social interactions. Also trauma plays a big role on how we learn to read/understand other people's feelings/reactions. For example if you where "walking on eggshells" at home, your parents emotions were more important than yours, passive aggressiveness, etc you could have developed hypervigilance and great ability to read other people (as a survival behaviour). Also if you are hyperempathic it could be easier for you to feel other people feelings, and act accordingly to what your internal script/mask says. There are many many factors that could shape your external traits. What determines if you are autistic are mostly the internal ones (from what i have learned). SPECIALLY in late diagnosis adults. Many allistic people will show some of the same external traits as an autistic person, but for very different reasons, in less intensity and frequency. For example we could compare an autistic meltdown and a panic attack. From an outside perspective they could look similar but they are actually really different. Those differences come from what's triggering them, why and how they feel. I would recommend you to read a tone from late diagnosed autistic afab. If you seek a diagnosis i would focus on finding good professionals who are well informed about late diagnosed autism and trauma informed therapy.

[@dusty-pan]

This video made me tear up a little bit. I'm on the journey of discovering my autism, and unpacking the social side of stuff is definitely the hardest. It feels like, like you said, I've spent my whole life building up my image of myself and my relationships, and I'm kind of having to adjust that now. It's not a bad thing-- quite the opposite. But it's definitely a lot. Thank you for the work you're doing in articulating these experiences, and fostering a sense of curiosity about ourselves and others 💙

[@JennyEliz_IstheShiz]

This is the best video I've ever seen on making! Thank you!

[@elizabethivy1337]

The duration of knowing someone was an interesting point. I tend to feel more uncomfortable around unfamiliar people because I don't have enough experience with them to accurately gauge their reactions. When I have known someone for a while, I don't have to spend quite as much energy observing their behavior. This idea of masking is confusing for me because it gets mixed with CPTSD behaviors from childhood trauma. Masking with CPTSD wasn't just a tool for social success, it was more of a requirement to avoid emotional harm and punishment. In which case, it's not necessarily a manifestation of your authentic self, it's a fight/flight/fawn response that's being used to try to control what is perceived as an unsafe situation -which, if people are the source of your trauma, then any sort of social occasion becomes a potentially 'unsafe' scenario requiring this behavior. These masking reactions make sense for a child because you really don't have any agency to help yourself. So, you can only gain some control of a situation by masking to influence the actions of those around you. Comparatively, as an adult, you can spontaneously leave harmful situations, and your resources are generally controlled by you, so other's social acceptance is inconsequential (to a reasonable degree). However, unless some major brain rewiring has happened between childhood and adulthood, you're still using the same survival programming as before. Your brain hasn't realized that shift of acceptance being less consequential. So, social situations will still feel equally as threatening as they were when you were a child. Thus, it's difficult to reel in masking habits / behaviors without consciously pausing and then going against the doom-forecasting your brain is perpetuating in an obsolete method of self-protection.

[@lelelew2735]

Beautifully written. Spot on analysis

[@archerscars7380]

Bro my favorite moment as a teen was when I could finally be alone in my room. I shared a room growing up and only got my own when I was in like eighth grade. So when I got to go home and be alone in my room, I would ramble for a while about something I wanted to talk about earlier or my emotions or maybe just gibberish. I swear that I would have looked insane to anyone watching. I would flap my hands and shake my head and pick my nails. It was so stress relieving but at the same time I felt so guilty for it. I didn’t quite know why. But I felt bad for doing what I now know is stimming. Even when I was alone.

[@lizzpayne8827]

Irene your content as always is incredible!! Also, your lighting is always on POINT. Great hair and makeup by the way! I emailed you a few months back, I got my official diagnosis 🤗

[@thethoughtspot222]

Congrats!!

[@heedmydemands]

how long did it take?

[@kescazuos4408]

The end of the video was just a perfect description of my last semester trying to fit in in college!! Thanks for the video! It was great, like a hug!

[@youarenaturewellness]

This channel has helped me so much, thank you Irene

[@chrissyjoy08]

I only found out I'm on the spectrum about a year ago, but I've said for years and years that I feel like I'm a different person in each of my very different settings I'm in (various different social settings, 2 different work settings, and at church). And everyone I tell this to just says something like "it's normal to act in a certain specific way in different settings"... but it's *more* than that for me. It's not just knowing there are different code of conducts and/or expectations if you're at work vs with friends and adjusting accordingly. I feel like that's normal masking or appropriate codeswitching. What I'm talking about is feeling like totally a different person depending on my situation. I never understood what I was feeling until I realized I'm possibly autistic and started exploring and researching the heck outta all this to find out if I'm really autistic. I still don't fully understand masking though and I still have very little clue who I actually am deep inside.

[@faithsimpson8240]

Sometimes my mask goes and it feels amazing. I always feel so happy and excited. I really have tried the last few years stopping myself. I no longer am liked and it is completely devastating. Im happier alone and myself. Starting to really really like alone time.

[@rachayelle]

I’ve been masking since i was a kid and never even knew what masking was up until a few months ago. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, so I don’t know when it started or what my masking traits are. This video was really helpful, thank you! (Also considering getting some of your workbooks ❤️)

[@TonGolem]

I'm glad you mentioned that masking is shown by neurotypical persons, too. I think literally all persons mask. The word "person" itself comes from mask...

[@viniciusPatto]

looks like i mask all day every day, is hard no to do it, when i try to exist close to my family i aways get into a terrible situation where i'm the only one finding problem with the stuff they do, politics, music, my family don't have a singe thing in common w me, is super easy for them to simplify my struggles and judge me by my political stance happens all the time, my mom also take some quotes i said one time in a very especific situation as mantra, makes my life hard because she just spread this things across the family and no one confront me about it, i think that everything in this family makes me shutdown idk

[@chrissame]

Things where pretty natural for me as a kid. I wouldn't say I masked as a child. I used to copy a best friend that I had a lot, but I don't know if it was because of autistic traits, or just because I felt I could relate to her a lot at the time. I used to love copying and mimicking fictional characters of interest. I was always/still am bubbly and extroverted person, However, when I hit high school, that's where things got harder and growing older and realising I need to be out in the world, Masking/scripting situations became a thing because I found social situations very difficult. These days It's not as hard as it used to be.

[@eunique612]

Love your channel and its been so helpful to me. I’m definitely going to be purchasing items from your store!

[@giuliabuttros3210]

Honestly I didn't even know I was masking because I thought it always had to be draining. It makes sense now that masking can feel satisfactory sometimes, because I very frequently "play characters" or behave in ways that are not like me but fit the context better. Later on I analyse the whole thing in my head over and over, and realize that I wouldn't act like that naturally, but it was successful and my effort was minimal (though I'm very self aware all the time). I tend to choose interactions like these, easier to go through. On the other hand there are situations when I feel like an alien and just cannot bring myself to "follow protocol", so I just become apathetic or freeze in place.🥴

[@facedepet8363]

This video was incredibly useful, it has been a while since I have heard such good advices and relatable content, it realy helps. Thank you so much ❤

[@pompeychris81]

I am 45, Dyslexic, just been diagnosed ADHD and on pathway for ASC assessments. I have only just realised that I have been masking all of my life!! The impact is significant. It has caused depression, anxiety disorder and I also believe my fibromyalgia (had 10 years). I am also an ASC specialist and work with children and YP that are ND. Masking is the most biggest trigger for mental health! I have seen and believe that psycho education and learning about your diagnosis and self is so important in helping

[@burnabymike]

This is the first of your videos I've seen, and I found I was nodding along to your points to the point I was worried I'd get a neck cramp. :-) Great content - I'll be checking out more of your videos.

[@saraadams1391]

You are wonderfully articulate. Thank you.

[@francescakyanda9182]

I answered the majority of the questions with a mhm 😂 one of my masks is eye contact which I can’t handle so my small way of unmasking is not making eye contact while I talk and I feel a lot better

[@liamodonovan6610]

You are such an intelligent speaker interesting video love you so much late diagnosis means you have to reevaluate your life up to that point

[@mir8215]

I would agree with the masking with new vs old acquaintances. The complexity of relationships can add up. And also with the other person's sensitivity. If they aren't so sensitive, they don't judge as much.

[@lauratanner6493]

Thank you for pointing out that masking is something that all humans are capable of doing… I feel like a lot of times on social media when people make content about their autism a lot of the comments will be along the lines of “well. This isn’t an autistic trait. I’m Neuro typical and I do it,” and I really want people to realize that we’re all still human and you can be non-autistic, and still do the same things somebody else who is autistic does.

[@alexisconnergaming6793]

This video was helpful and very well put together. Thank you for the information 💗 I look forward to purchasing the workbook when I get paid.

[@El-ks4ff]

Thank you. This video has been incredibly informative and helpful.

[@kristinabayer3280]

These questions are suuuch a call-out... very well formulated 😅

[@happyprincess1888]

I’ve never been a big fan of reading, but as a kid the only book I was reaally into was called, The Outer Limits The Vanished, and it was meant to be scary to the reader, because the main character basically wakes up one day, and every human has vanished. To me it was a heavenly *fantasy* book. The character was walking around all over the place outdoors, in neighborhoods and absolutely no humans in sight. And for him, it was very scary. But for me… this has remained one of my ultimate fantasies 20 years later! 😂

[@elly946]

I reacted not with "mhm" but rather "yes! yes! yes!!!". omg it's such a jorney discovering your own self, but this gives me hope because I'm so tired of living like this

[@hahaweedlol4933]

I have never herd someone mention the feeling of being more uncomfortable the longer you know someone. It has been what has terrified me at my first job because I don't know this social situation of being friends but not actually friends with someone that you will know for an indefinite time. It freaks me out so much, I feel more uncomfortable the more I have to do this.

[@ViviRaaawr]

Thank you for this beautiful explanation. This helped me a lot ❤

[@francescange-xq6nq]

Oh my gosh thank you so much for this… this explains a lot for me!!

[@estephaniezapata4714]

I have a friend that I’ve know since we were 14, and we’re now 25. I remember back in school I’d be friendly, funny and talkative. Fast forward to now, i keep to myself, and i try to feel my moods instead of suppressing. I remember being at the library of our university and I was so tired and quiet- and he kept asking what’s wrong? you okay? and I just let him know I was tired, and that I needed a nap. I was drained :( Also, does anyone else get dizzy during social interactions or public places???

[@nicoled8440]

Wow, thank you so much for this video. You did an excellent job explaining everything. I especially appreciate you breaking down the levels of masks that are used in different interactions. The past year I have been experiencing many meltdowns and burn outs .. It is so frustrating how I was not able to control it or myself while in that state and how drained and tired I am after the situation is finished. Sometimes without resolution. Anyway, you provided me with so much awareness and understanding of my masking which allows me to have more compassion and understanding for myself , and that truly made my day. Definitely getting those Etsy creations, thank you for taking the time to create them for us! Love your mission! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

[@Loopisus]

This video was exactly what i needed right now :)

[@seiretzym]

omg the point about having to mask more around sensitive people really hits home! I never realized that's what it was!

[@JaCaraKM]

Thank you so much for this video. Now, I understand why I burn out so quickly at work. I end up having a meltdown about once every three months if I am not allowed to take time off or have a significant break of 1-3 months.

[@HanniieeX]

This was really enlightening, thank you!

[@bbbones8099]

this just sounds to me like the people pleasing we do when we are younger because we havent yet established a strong sense of self through experiences and pursuing our passions. i had this social anxiety but grew out of it after i found out more of the things i like. now i dont have time to ruminate over peoples opinions, if someone isnt vibing with me i dont foster the relationship it's as simple as that

[@simplyroselife]

i want to know what part is autism and what is social anxiety

[@HolliNiesen]

I learned that I was masking after we literally started to remove masks in public. I _very_ quickly realized I didn't remember how to control my face in my customer facing job after not needing to for so long