The unspoken struggles of being a high masking Autistic

♡𝗠𝗬 𝗘𝗧𝗦𝗬 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗣♡
Unmask & Embrace Your Neurodiversity
www.etsy.com/listing/1460608999/
Discovering your Masks ADHD & Autism Workbook
www.etsy.com/listing/1333179566/
ADHD & Autism Uncovering Your Stims Workbook
www.etsy.com/listing/1263026080/
ADHD-friendly Weekly Planner · Helps with Executive Dysfunction
etsy.me/3NigpLR
♡𝗢𝗡𝗘 𝗢𝗡 𝗢𝗡𝗘 𝗖𝗢𝗔𝗖𝗛𝗜𝗡𝗚♡
selfembark.com
♡𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗺𝗲♡
🌱 TikTok: / irene_selfembark
🌿 Instagram: / self_embark
🍊 Self Empowerment Coach: selfembark.com

[@SuzetteMorganStudio]

I have deeply analyzed my social interactions for half a century now. It has been an important survival strategy, but it always came with bitter self-criticism. Ever since I learned that I'm neurodivergent a couple of years ago, I absolutely refuse to let that analysis be coupled with self-criticism. I'm much kinder to myself now. If I feel myself slipping into a bad mindset, I will literally speak out loud to myself and kindly redirect myself. Now I picture myself as an anthropologist studying the ways of humans, it's academic, and I'm just expanding my understanding. No need for self recriminations, embarrassment, or guilt.

[@mechaslav8520]

I wish I was able to take it that way, it just made me feel irrelevant and less confident.

[@heedmydemands]

Wow that sounds good. It kind of sounds a bit like being detached from yourself

[@SteshuShu]

I think that's why I find myself being interested in Anthropology, Sociology, and Psychology in the past. When you put social interactions as a learning and curious mindset, it feels less burdensome.

[@grandmasgopnik9642]

I like the anthropological angle actually! It’s more like objective which I think helps us. At least for me, I have a lot of distrust in myself and needs for myself to be perfect but for others it’s like fine. My husband having a bad day and apologized for being grumpy and starts spiraling saying he’s a bad husband I’m looking at his status effects like - no lunch, interrupted sleep, coffee pot broke,mouth ulcer, house hot af 🥵 + toilet fixed,ac fixed overall rng says your moods taking the L 😂 you’re not a bad husband you’re having a bad day. Say out loud the status effects 😅

[@entropy59122]

Is it possible to mask sensory irritations I remember I was terrified of loud sounds as a kid and the sound of pressure cookers and my mom's loud sneezing and my dad's snoring up to a point where I would start crying. But now I genuinely want to get terrified by certain sounds so I listen to them on KZbin nonetheless the sounds I mentioned above still scare me. I hate chewing noises too.

[@plastic.thunder3274]

Dropping the mask always feels like a higher risk little reward scenario. For your personal mental health it’s good but being seen as Hella weird and awkward by your peers is ROUGH 💀

[@purple_blued]

THIS! I'm not as harsh to myself anymore and my social anxiety isn't as intense, but now it's so difficult for me to get close to new people because I come off as odd from the start.

[@AntonYadrov777]

@@purple_blued don't worry about it. If they have problems with how you genuinely are, they are not worth your time and already fragile mental health. Mature and intelligent people will not call you out or purposefully avoid any interactions with you just because you seemed to be a bit of a weirdo during your first meeting with them. I'll tell you a secret: normies are anxious about first meetings, too. And not all of them like to preen themselves for it, just like us.

[@uriyorlov3375]

I grew up in a family, where most of my relatives are more or less on the spectrum, but are oblivious to it and do lots of specific coping and masking behavior. I found this out when I got diagnosed in my 22, three years ago. I am a psychology graduate, so unmasking wasn't such a big issue for me, but what was is my family's reaction to it all. I got an impression that in a "spectrum familly" there is some sort of deep running shame around autistic behavior; as if centuries ago my ancestors encountered the social stigma and over the generations it shaped a tradition of masking, specific to my family. So the problem for me was not to unlearn masking, but to explain to my close family that it's ok and that they do it too, and why they do it, and that it's ok to do it but I simply decide not to do it.

[@AntonYadrov777]

​@@uriyorlov3375 if you truly care about your family (and your chosen major), it's definitely for the best if you do it. After all, you have personal experience _and_ qualification to back it up. The chain of inter-generational ignorance has to be broken at some point, after all. "The second best time to plant a tree is now" and all that.(Где диагноз получил, кстати, если не секрет? Преподаватели помогли, думаю?)

[@plastic.thunder3274]

@@uriyorlov3375 My family is the exact same way and it’s frustrating. It’s almost as if no one wants to admit their kid is “broken” or that somehow they weren’t the perfect parents because you require extra skills to adjust and function comfortably. But then they also don’t want to hear you explain to them why you are the way you are . They just want to tell you you’re a snowflake or you only want drugs or you just sought out an answer to “feel special” or something lol. I wish it was that simple and I was just making it up because if it was I could at least be fine and know these problems are something I’m just making up to get attention and I wouldn’t have to face dealing with all the heavy masking and coping mechanisms that are stressing me TF out almost every day 💀.

[@oliviah9866]

Currently crying --- the more you learn about high masking, the more you mourn about how you've felt about your place in the world

[@Bu.T.F.I]

😢

[@Lexfrederick08]

Same

[@grevilleaFlowers]

I started crying too when she was talking about the 'over-analyzing what you could have done, what you should have done". Most times when I socialize in a group (which doesn't happen often), I get home and just cry and cry because I start the over-analysing and feel so bad about how I acted/behaved, what I said... Even though nowadays I think most people think I'm only a little bit weird. It's the only time I get sad and cry; when I'm by myself or just with one person that I know, I don't have that self doubt and don't care about how different I am.

[@seekjesusandhisrighteousne8894]

Precisely, it almost feels like you’ve never got to be your true self when out in the “real world.” This saddens me at times when at other times I just accept it.

[@heidijones2976]

Being bright and bubbly is my mask… I’ve done it for so long that I don’t even know how to take it off in public anymore… I’m so exhausted. I can’t even begin to tell you how exhausted I am after masking in public… and the sad thing is; no one would ever know. We all all have our internal struggles and I think my point is that we just need to be kind to each other. Stay safe everyone ❤️

[@katyalambo]

Same same. I’ve been exhausted for centuries!

[@Cauldron6]

Me too and I’m so fucking tired… last week as soon as I saw my therapist I just started crying and crying because I am so *tired*. The autistic burnout is real.

[@TheMononome]

Completely the same! From Japan 🙏

[@burns_o_matic]

Same. And, now that I know I'm masking, I've begun to allow myself to not be that super bubbly person a little bit, and people are like, "What's wrong," "Are you okay," "You seem sad, you're not your usual bubbly self," which is annoying, to say the least.

[@athenayres2434]

Somewhere along the line I picked up the mask to always be friendly and nice and act like little things don't bother me. Now, I'm actually unsure of who I really am, or who I was before. It's so tiring, because you know you're not being yourself, but you don't know who yourself even is.

[@adoxartist1258]

I am the wife of an autistic man who was not diagnosed until age 36, as a result of evaluating our now-adult children, who also both have autism. So when I say this, please know it comes from a lifetime of personal observation: when you feel like a Debbie Downer, I suspect that other people find you to be a calming energy. I know there's very little calm inside you as you navigate uncertainty and overwhelming sensory stimuli, but the YOU you are is a delightful, restful change from others who are constantly trying to impress. I admire the ability of people with autism to see through BS right to the heart of a matter, not getting bogged down in peripheral social falseness.

[@lola0u]

Thank you for saying this. It made me tear up.

[@sciencenotstigma9534]

Love this ❤!

[@jordanr7290]

Thank you so much for saying this ❤

[@T.T.M.60]

Thank you for saying that.

[@Beam3178]

Wow that's such a kind thing to say, thank you 🥹

[@dmgroberts5471]

Oh yeah, the four hours of analyzing and tearing apart every moment of the three minutes I spent buying a coffee. That's not to mention the 15 minutes spent rehearsing _how_ to ask for the coffee, and the 5 minutes in the line, holding that script in my head _before_ asking for the coffee. You can't have thoughts when you're waiting for an interaction with a neurotypical, God no, you have to be at battlestations, holding position! If I take a moment to have thoughts, I'll lose the script, I won't be _ready!_ But before I came in here I was in a really detailed debate with myself about physics, and it's _so_ shiny, and delicious, and interesting, and I want to continue it, but if I do, I. Will. Forget. The. Fucking. Script.

[@christinelamb1167]

Oh my gosh! For so long I thought I was the only one who had to rehearse the script for even "simple" interactions (like ordering a coffee)! I can never relax, because I'm always rehearsing and getting myself ready. I'm sure people have no idea the mental gymnastics we have to go through just to do the simplest things in life!

[@ladyoftheflowers44]

I rehearesed my coffee script so long one day because I didn't want to mess it up and then got up to the window and ordered so badly the barista had to ask me multiple times what I wanted and at the end I felt too awkward that I had forgotten to ask for whip that I just said thanks and paid lol Ive literally worked as a barista for years, so I should know how to order a drink, and that most baristas will happily fix or add something to your drink after they have made it, they just want you to be happy. But still... the anxiety

[@carolinagaray7656]

I used to need to script "small" interactions all the time, it got easier after about 2 years of building up scripts while working customer service. For one thing, I eventually figured out that plenty of (if not most) other people are awkward too, and I wouldn't hold anything against them for it, so why do that to myself? I eventually got to the point where I was like, you know what? Let's just wing it in certain situations, and if it goes badly, oh well. I'm not getting paid enough to owe anyone the perfect interaction. I already know I'm awkward, and I'd rather deal with that than the exhaustion of constantly planning for things that won't make any long term difference. Of course it doesn't work for everything, and I often do it at the cost of dissociating/distancing my outer self from my inner self... But yeah, that's where I'm at, lol

[@grandmasgopnik9642]

And god forbid you have a fun conversation with someone you’re interested in and then realize you’ve been ackward. Then you get the no no stick forever and just analyze your terrible conversation for years to come 😅

[@christinelamb1167]

@@grandmasgopnik9642 Oh yeah, I've been there unfortunately! Once you make that terrible first impression, you can't really undo it. 😒

[@alrighttumbleweed4782]

I'm only partway through but I just wanna mention, as a "bubbly" person people often don't take you seriously or respect you. I feel like I can come across as immature, too casual and sometimes people find me really annoying for talking too much. It doesn't serve me well professionally and there are certain social groups where I feel very out of place because I'm "too much". As someone who doesn't know you personally I don't think you need to be bubbly to be well liked. I think you come across as grounded, calm, empathetic, efficient, helpful, honest and level-headed. I think we often gravitate toward and admire people who have qualities that we don't naturally possess. Being perceived is the worst lol

[@Cauldron6]

Holy shit I feel this in my soul.

[@stuckinthelazycorneragain4016]

Your description of yourself resonated so much with me. I'm very much that way and often worry that I come across as overbearing and intense. Sometimes i explain that i'm autistic/adhd to mitigate any "damage" i do, other times i don't. Not sure which is best. Luckily the people closest to me appreciate me regardless.

[@heedmydemands]

I think I come across too serious, I think I maybe am overly serious. I have a sense of humor, sometimes I try to joke with people but it's so awful when it doesn't land right, such an awful feeling I want to run away almost. Afterward I can barely stop myself from crying sometimes.

[@avastapleton853]

YESS I do this especially at work (I'm a bartender) and people call me ditsy alllll the time. Being blonde doesn't help lol. I tell them I know I look like "head empty no thoughts" but in reality, I'm having like 5 thoughts at once.

[@jmaessen3531]

Ugh! I'm either too bubbly or too serious. Usually the former at work and the latter with loved ones. It's awful both ways. Very tiring. You said it! Being perceived is the worst. Fun story: I knew I found the right hairstylist for me when I found their page and they offered quiet cuts. Meaning very little talking, I can throw in headphones with music, meditate, close my eyes, whatever. Hair appointments are sensory and social nightmares for me. So this was mind blowing to find. And THEN when I arrived and they shared briefly that they go on quiet hikes with their neurodivergent roommates because being perceived just wore all of them out, I was like HOLY COW. Needless to say I spent our "quiet" cut talking up a storm cuz I then felt so safe to share with this wonderful, accepting person. 😂 🎉

[@ShakespeareDoomsday]

Because of my autism that was diagnosed early, my narcissistic mother often told me that I was incapable of empathy. My mask got so strong that I changed my default facial expression to a happier one to prevent adults from constantly asking me what was wrong when nothing was.

[@user-kk4zw5jo4t]

That's very sad, I'm sorry to read that 😔

[@KD-ou2np]

I mean tbh... there was something wrong wasn't there. Part of the reason my face isn't as pleasant as people want it to be is because I'm burdened with the masking and stimulation and everything. Plus all the other shit from my life... like having a narcisstic mother... There definitely are times where I'm legit enjoying myself and in deep focus and then I see my reflection and its way too intense or serious. Its like my face is naturally tensed and tight.. Spend a lot of time trying to look neutral and remind myself to take deep breathes and relax my face.

[@justinschomaker]

I feel that, I have experienced this very often. My stepmom was the worst but there are also other people. Just two days ago at an event my mother took me with, I met some classmates and I was constantly asked if I wanted a hug because I looked sad. It was a bit weird because I personally don't really like hugs unless I'm very good with them (there are 4 people I would give hugs to without feeling awkward). So I had to explain that that is just my common face expression and that I wasn't sad. I was still asked multiple times but I wasn't forced to anything. They did listen to what autism means for me and were very interested. There are sometimes people of this and of other types. You have to figure out which types to avoid.

[@judylandry302]

@@justinschomaker You need to be aware of and careful of whom you disclose your Autism to. People will use it against you to devalue you.

[@Reed5016]

Fellow autistic person with narcissistic parents (one is covert, and the other is overt). It was really rough growing up.

[@BoudicanDestructionHorizon]

Some years ago I was tested for autism and declared "too functional" for it. I requested it myself, pushed for it even. I had discovered the rabbit hole that was late diagnosed women on the spectrum and all I could do was point and say "Hey, that's me!" They finally indulged me, even though I was frequently told I did not fit the criteria. During the tests I could actively feel myself masking even though I tried hard not to, but as I also tried to explain to the psychologist, I could not drop the mask. They called it ADHD (which I had been diagnosed with several years earlier) with a splash of Autism. At that point I had been unable to work or do anything really for over a year because of severe burnout. They laughed. I laughed. I asked if calling it a "splash" of Autism maybe was being a bit underhanded. "You have kids" they said, "we saw you hug them. Autistic people don't do that. You just have struggles that are very similar. But talking to you now feels normal and OK so no autism detected here!" I'm still unable to work or even socialize. I honestly feel trapped in a limbo now because what I thought was maybe the answer to my struggles was deemed wrong, and now the pressure to get better is immense. I can relate heavily to everything in this video except not being bubbly. That has usually been my default and it is exhausting. Human interaction drains me to my core and I feel like such an impostor every time I try to shield myself from stressful situations using the "splash" as an excuse. I don't even know what I am trying to convey here, but please don't take this as a disrespect for people on the spectrum. I do not claim to be Autistic, I just seem to share many, so many, of your problems.

[@judylandry302]

You know if your Autistic. You don't need to pay some "Authority" figure to validate your beliefs. You know the truth.

[@steveneardley7541]

You don't need permission from a doctor to see yourself as autistic. Take what you can from the online community; there's a lot of valuable stuff there.

[@zekova]

When seeking a diagnosis, you gotta find a doctor who ACTUALLY knows autism. One who is up on the latest research. Otherwise, if you're good at masking at all, they'll laugh you out of the room, as you experienced. :(

[@cynthiag3065]

It’s frustrating when we are explaining autism to medical professionals. I am ready to tell them-get informed on autism and then we can have a conversation.

[@PhoenixFeathers]

Autistic people DO hug! What awful ‘professionals’ you met. Seems like they’re still into the old ideas about what autism looks like. I very often prefer hugs over verbal communication (with people I love, of course!). It’s like people used to believe autistics don’t have feelings or empathy. It’s dangerous bullshit. Autistics have more empathy than neurotypicals usually. This made up BS just serves to ‘monsterize’ and pathologicalize neurodiversity. At this point in time, self diagnosis is more valuable than a diagnosis by incompetent oafs.

[@TheMononome]

Being excluded by a social group has been life threatening fear for human beings. I feel like I need to do whatever the thing I can do to prevent this from happening when I am interacting with other people.

[@nataliemae2356]

I have social anxiety and have also tried to prevent being rejected but you can't prevent it so you might as well relax. Of course it's not as easy as just telling yourself to relax but there are things you can do when you're home to relax. Practicing mindfulness is the most helpful, and refraining from overstimulation.

[@steveneardley7541]

Even if you can fit in to a group, when the chips are down, they will rarely support you. Look to your family or significant others for that. Otherwise, try to steel yourself against social criticism. I have always been low masking. I developed a punky rebellious persona early on, and also got into absurdist philosophy. These got me through the worst parts of high school and college. And other neurodivergent types had no problem with that at all.

[@jeffreybrinker5367]

I see myself in all the details and this makes me think i am high masking but recently i find myself getting along with it, getting more creative i have always had social anxiety due to my autism but I’m making progress also i take some medicinal mushroom supplements to increase cognitive function also good for brain chemistry, keeps me going .

[@brianchadwick2650]

I can’t seem to find a way to source out mushroom supplements, I live in the UK.

[@jeffreybrinker5367]

Look up albovegateway

[@jeffreybrinker5367]

On instagram

[@empowerment.artist]

We live in a very fake society and everyone is masking. But for us neurodiverse people, masking is all the more painful because we naturally crave the truth. That's how I see it, anyways. My journey towards authenticity started before diagnosis, but diagnosis definitely helped me to change my self concept. The more authenticity I have managed to integrate through inner work, shadow integration, and embodiment and self understanding, the less I stress in social interactions. I used to analyse EVERYTHING, making scripts and criticise every single possible thing I said and did. Post interaction, I called it the "find five faults game" and usually found lots more than 5. Now I deliberately STOP this "game" bc it is self abusive. I still have to monitor if my pitch is too loud ++or how honest the interaction allows me to be, but I am experimenting with sharing that I am, in fact, doing spiritual stuff. And I don't care if you laugh at woo woo shit. It's even fun...to see peoples reactions. And I used to close off my heart. If you're constantly analysing you're in your mind. When intercting from body and heart presence, everything is a lot less scary and people often react positively (or neutral.) I am not judging, my experience has been very dark and lonely. But all of these things are possible to change and heal. I get compliments for being authentic when sharing art or emotions, but I have struggled to find people who appreciated me, too. A big part of the spiritual communities are aspiring to be authentic and real, especially if they recognize and do shadow work, (but in these places discerment is key, I am not saying all spiritual groups are ok.) And the world needs your authentic selves ❤

[@mucholovo8075]

Your first statement could not be better put 🤝

[@hameley12]

@so.multipassionate I could not have put it into better words. It's like I'm reading through my journal. Your thoughts are definitely correlated with how we feel and do on a daily basis. Thank you! 👏 👏

[@grevilleaFlowers]

What annoys me is that it is often the neurotypical people who push the ' just be yourself' mantra. But then when non neurotypical people are 'just themselves', they don't like it. When it really annoys is when people come down on me like a tonne of bricks for an involuntary response, or say that I can't handle certain textures or loud noises. I volunteer in an local council run art gallery and was helping out in an event at the other night. The event was about 'strong women artists' talking about 'being yourself' and 'being true to yourself' and 'being strong' (blah, blah, blah). The woman who organised the event was my manager. Then I'm in the kitchen at 9pm washing all the wine glasses and I poured some wine out of the glass into the sink. This particular wine was off (I'm absolutely positive of that fact), and the smell was so foul that I jumped back (I had a visceral reaction to it and I almost wanted to throw up the smell was so disgusting to me). My immediate response was to jump back and say "oh, that STINKS'. I said it without thinking and the only people in the room were 3 other (arty) volunteers and my ('be yourself', 'be true to yourself') manager. My manger and one of the other volunteers came down on me like a tonne of bricks. (Their response telling me off like I was a complainy-pants. "No, it doesn't. It's unfiltered wine. It's supposed to be like that!) Important note: The wine was made by a local winery and the owners were friends of manager/gallery. I had to fight with myself to keep my mouth shut. (It's possible for both to be true; 'supposed to be like that' and still stink. But quite aside from that, there's no wine in the world that is supposed to stink like rancid vinegar.) I don't know how many times I get in trouble or get told off for 'complaining' when I can't handle things like wet hair dripping down my back, or sitting on leather, or loud noises and loud music, or if I refuse to wear uniform t-shirts made of polyester. 'Just being yourself' is limited to neurotypical people...

[@neridafarrer4633]

Your experience and focus it similar to mine. Oh I wish I had a friend like you!

[@hvtim]

I resonate with everything you said about "reviewing" everything after a social interaction being super exhausting, yet still feeling shame and guilt for not behaving exactly how I want. It's frustrating to think that others don't need to think about how to interact with others, they just... do it. Whereas I feel that I need to pop some veins to be close to "normal" in social environments. I need something to fidget or someone safe to talk to.

[@vazzaroth]

I have used this EXACT color metaphor to explain why I babble and rant so much around my few trusted friends yet am borderline mute or at least 'grunty' around strangers or acquaintances. Also a part of my own mask, I now know @ 33, is to dull down my thoughts and feelings for others to extreme simplicity in order to only convey shades of grey, when really I WANT to convey the colors, but I have to do very messy color mixing in real time to get there, and it's energy+time intensive.

[@s0ledadSperanza]

i'm working so hard on dropping the mask

[@turtleanton6539]

Mine is drooooopped

[@mydefenseisimpregnable]

I couldn’t drop mine even if I’ve tried

[@uncomfyclown]

Me too. Keep at it!! I feel myself making progress every day.

[@maxbladel]

Me too! But then I feel even more anxiety afterwards like, do they think I’m a weirdo?

[@NE0Nwhip]

You'll get there and eventually it'll be way too hard to even mask. To speed it up I recommend meditating, having a lot of alone time to reflect and do any shadow work. The spiritual journey will get you there

[@marcosmiranda2805]

In high school and university, I was, and sometimes still am, perceived as arrogant. I've always had problems with voice tone, voice volume, and sometimes I can come across as angry when I'm talking about something I really care about. Even though I know this, I've never really noticed it in my head, I know it because others tell me. My partner told me once that the way I talk about sensitive issues may make people feel like I think I'm right and may alieniate some people. And I was like, "So you're saying that 1) thinking you're right is bad, and 2) people care more about HOW I say things than the THINGS? What is wrong with people?" When I was still in high school, first I learned to shut up, then I learned to be funny to offset the "arrogance", but it seemed that "some people" would have issue with whatever I chose to do. Then it hit me. No matter what you do or say, "some people" are always going to think some way about you. "Some people" may or may not like how you present yourself. "Some people" will never like you. But usually, those "some people" are people who won't affect my life in any way. So now it doesn't bother me as much. My family likes me for me. My friends like me for me. My partner likes me for me. My co-workers like me for me. That is enough. Sometimes I get lonely and wish I had more friends, but then I remember people suck and I feel better.

[@LeakyOrifices]

That’s the worst thing right? All these perceptions of being selfish and narcissistic, that we aren’t considerate and that we’re oblivious to social norms. But we aren’t, we’re trying so hard to be accommodating to others and to be decent people and to fit in and it’s just… impossible sometimes. My wizard spell book of “scripts for every social interaction possible” is always incomplete, and I will always inevitably get something wrong, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. It’s exhausting to try and “see the future” to preemptively understand these things our brains just don’t do natively. Thanks for talking on these topics, you really helped me and probably many others feel seen today. I experience a lot of what you shared in this video, hoping to give some of the empathy I show to others back to myself.

[@christinanemetzdejewski525]

I get flashbacks to interactions as far back as 30 years ago and loath everything that I remember of myself in those situations. When they pop up, I truly believe that I should have known better at 5 than to think a sales person saying 450 about a puppy was $450, not $4.50- but the immediate and excruciating embarrassment still physically hurts me when I recall it. These come almost every time I am not actively thinking about something, and I always assumed everyone had these traumatic memories on loops.

[@breno855]

35 and still doing that every day lol, in particular conversations with women/romantic situations

[@leona2222]

You should have known better at 5-years-old?? Why?

[@Xylenakhudovznik]

I think a lot of it is comfort level. If you’re Autistic, being comfortable and not caring what others think is vital!

[@24shineon]

KZbin shoving me down an autism rabbit hole to multiple creators and causing me to unpack childhood trauma and bullying due to what may have been autism and now signing up to get an assessment next month was not on my 2024 bingo card

[@Cat3deye]

I have been officially diagnosed in the spectrum last December at 41 yo... I felt like all my life, all I thought I was, was an imposture, a big ugly lie... I am in an autistic burn out since January and unable to go out since then. It's been a challenge this diagnosis because it put a name on this awkwardness I always felt but it made me realise all the self-trauma I did. I constantly analysed myself, my gestures (my hands where do I put them?/how do I act when I listen to people?/ I have to show them they are important to me so how do I look at them, in the eyes?), my way of speaking of laughing of breathing of everything! It was so exhausting and I feel so sad to have spent 40 years of my life wondering if I was normal enough to be loved and wondering why, despite all my efforts, people still disliked me and bullied me relentlessly. It made me believe I was the problem, that there must be something wrong with me. And it made me want to die, to destroy myself. It made me believe I was not good enough to exist and that I was an aberration. And then it made me hate people and think the world was against me because I was so unlovable. It was hard and so so tiring. I think neurotypical people are very lazy in their social interactions and reject anyone that seems different, they want validation through others and seek their mirrors a lot of the times. I am happy to know I am an ADHD autistic woman, it does not simplify my life, but it certainly gives me the key to better understand myself and be more forgiving with myself. It also teaches me to let go of the normalcy belief. I know now that I am loved, I am lovable and am where I should be, living my life and loving people who I trust and respect and trust and respect me back. Don't know if you will read this rant, but you and your videos and your vulnerability and generosity made my post-diagnosis depression so much more bearable. I am not exaggerating when I say it is thanks to you I saw the order in all the confusion I was feeling, after the official naming of that pit in my soul. You are important because you enlighten an obscure circumstance : being diagnosed in adulthood as a neurodivergent person. So thank you so much for all your videos, your caring and know that you are helping.

[@TinEE189]

Thank you so much for your comment. I am not offically diagnosed and am really just beginning to unpack my neurodivergence. But I too have just turned 41 and so much of your comment resonates so deeply with me. I hope your journey is going well.

[@emmielaine7352]

Are you doing okay? I want you to know that Jesus loves you, and He has a glorious purpose for your life. You are so precious and important!

[@ChaseTheLadiesMan]

I wish people could see/know how absolutely exhausting it is to just be. It is a huge amount of effort and uncertainty. It's terrifying, requires constant inner work.

[@kristentreude7217]

I can’t believe how closely I relate to your experience. I’ve had people tell me time and time again that I come across bubbly and carefree when that’s genuinely just me trying to mask. It always confused me because I know I am not bubbly at ALL and am always breaking down every social interaction and trying to emulate others

[@YanickFM]

I've never heard another person talk about this exact experience I have before. I always thought I just had delayed social anxiety for the longest time. Like I'm not afraid of socializing or nervous to talk to people, but later when I'm home after the party I feel anxious about how I was doing at the social interactions and I think about if I was doing it right.

[@theedgeofoblivious]

It's not that I beat myself up for responding poorly. There is no objective observation looking back and going "Yes, that was a successful interaction." Instead, there is a dread and always looking back trying to make the determination of "I assume that I failed in this interaction. How can I consider this interaction to come to the conclusion that I failed, despite in the moment possibly having believed that I succeeded?" It's because there were countless situations in the past where I believed that I was successful in communication, only to have someone else bring in an interpretation or expectation that had literally no connection to anything I was thinking or trying to convey. Or alternatively, they completely assumed the literal exact opposite of what I was honestly trying to convey to them. Being autistic is being constantly subjected to gaslighting, with neurotypical people repeatedly telling us that the thing we know ourself to have done or said is not what we did or said.

[@dmgroberts5471]

It would be nice if we could get some kind of honest feedback afterwards. Like...can I get a rating from 0 (soulless abomination) to 10 (human being), please?

[@tracybartels7535]

Yes! It's impossible to know, so you have to guess and watch your NT subjects carefully for signs of annoyance. I'm actually pretty good at judging if people are annoyed, bored, tired, or not understanding, but can never tell when they are really happy or amused, because I focus on what I probably did wrong, and can I catch and fix it?

[@tracik1277]

💯

[@XingAoShen]

@@dmgroberts5471the way i always wished i could be given an honest review after every new interaction… lol

[@bdluejay]

ever since i was a kid i have been obsessed with societal etiquette and "acting correctly". as a kid i was praised for it, for following the rules all the time and being perfect. now as an adult i struggle to exist in public where not everyone is trying to adhere to social rules as much as i am. i get incredibly frustrated being around others who dont follow the rules in my book. trying to unlearn these Rules of Perfection has been difficult, theres a lot of things that ive been holding on to for 20 years that are hard to let go

[@truvy_5544]

There’s actually a personality trait based off of that. I always felt like certain rules aren’t made for me because certain things be confusing and I don’t like when ppl say their way is 💯 correct. I like to at least know the foundation and get comfortable on how I can do it and not copy who taught me 😭

[@Cheyisabun]

As someone who is super overly expressive, and self conscious about it, it's interesting to hear your point of view. Not only am I the super bubbly and giggle-prone one, but I'm the one who can't hold back tears for the life of me. I try to talk about anything I'm passionate about, or hurt by, I cry. Whenever I'm truly touched by something, I cry. I'm in my 20's, and the "real world" only gives you so much grace when it comes to showing emotion, and expressing what's going on in your head, on your face. I guess it's one of those "the grass is greener" type things.🤷‍♀️

[@KD-ou2np]

Question for you, did you feel supported and loved growing up? Do you feel like that has anything to do with your personality or that its more of an innate thing. Ik that really hard to dissect but I'm just curious because sometimes I wonder if I could have been that type of person you describe if I wasn't constantly bombarded with shame my whole childhood.

[@Cheyisabun]

@KD-ou2np Sorry, it's been a while since I watched this video, so I hope this makes sense in context. It's interesting you mention that. For the last 2 months or so, I've been doing extensive therapy work for cptsd and childhood trauma. I come from a complicated upbringing, where I was overly protected and shielded from the world/people... shame was a huge theme in my home, especially when it came to failure or how I presented physically. Without any resources, I was expected to achieve perfection. When I acted or did what my parents wanted, I was usually praised. When I "acted out," like showing emotion or going against their strict rules, I was shamed. My siblings were all quite a bit older than I and were raised in even more chaotic homes filled with unspeakable ghosts before my time. So not only was I invalidated in my experience of abuse, because theirs was much worse, but I was called ungrateful, and even crazy by the only other support system offered to me. Everyone in my immediate family always felt so cold, and barely there... I felt like the black sheep in the family because I was the only one who couldn't "control" their emotions, and showed them so obviously on their face. As I'm researching more, I really relate with the HSP, and I can now pinpoint the triggers from childhood that tend to set those intense emotions off, good and bad. So a lot of the intense emotions, I'm recently learning, may be due to some unresolved childhood trauma. They always make me feel so insecure about how animated I am, even though I can't help it... but now I have friends who appreciate my overly-expressive self, and feel validated by my reactions. But I still think the grass is always greener... Because an imagined scenario has the potential to reach perfection, when we as humans never can. I'm so sorry to hear that your childhood was filled with shame, though. I hope that you're in a place now where you're able to receive the help and guidance that you deserve.🫶

[@grevilleaFlowers]

I am soon turning 60 . It feels like I most of my childhood and teenage years (trying to) hold back tears. My throat seemed to always ache from holding back the tears. Most times I would manage to hold them back but then then cry myself to sleep at night. Part of it was childhood trauma but the other part of it was being 'not normal'. If I had a supportive loving family I think I still would have had that desire to cry at things (Like walking to school and seeing a group of children tormenting an injured bird. That time I was unable to hold back the tears. I took the bird home and put in a covered box with water and food, but then I had to go back to school. I was sobbing through all of that but managed to get my tears under control until my Home Room teacher told me off for being late. Then I started sobbing again. Or seeing a skinny bedraggled dog in the rain on the side of a road. Crying in a sad movie. Or even happy crying at happy endings). I think that having an unsupportive or dysfunctional family just makes it all the harder to manage the social difficulties of being neuro-diverse. (In terms of being 'too expressive' one of my ex-partners told me that I 'spoke like a child' because my 'voice went up and down too much' - i.e. my cadence was too expressive. He told me I should 'learn to speak more grown-up'). After years of therapy, and after becoming more and more neuro-typical, I don't have the desire to cry quite so much, but when I do have it it's very hard to control. But it's not just tears; when I'm happy or excited it's just as difficult to control it or not show it. I often get told off for being too loud and excitable. And always still self-concious about it. I find group gatherings difficult and end up crying after them, reviewing what I said, what I should have said, how loud I was, how people reacted to me.... One other thing.. When I'm watching things with happy endings (even things like the finale of a lovely house-reveal), I find myself grinning and happy. Often (and luckily) I watch those alone. Those times that I do become aware of how grinning/happy I am (because I'm not always busy being self-aware when I'm on my own), I do think most people (maybe even my husband) would find my emotions excessive/extreme.

[@AshleyIsArtsy]

Oh gosh, all of this hit so hard for me. Especially once you started talking about trying to prepare yourself for scenarios by imagining all the possible results you can, I only really realized recently thats not something "normal" people do, lol 😅 I'm so grateful I found your channel and channels like yours that talk about autism, or I may have gone the rest of my life frustrated at myself for not "getting it".

[@SamirCCat]

I have autistic traits, but not the diagnosis according to some psychologist. I often imagine social scenarios before the event, it's a way for me to prepare and be less anxious in the moment. For example if I'm taking the bus, I want to know what to say, where to blip my card, should I wait for a ticket etc. I'm terrified of doing "wrong" and people thinking "oh, she should've known that, she's so stupid". Is this not normal for social anxiety? I don't know if my problems are autism or social anxiety. In every social interaction with a stranger I have super high anxiety, afraid they'll think I'm stupid/silly/weird. I have no problems what so ever in social interaction when just talking, 2-5 people. I'm super comfortable if they start to cry/share difficult stuff, because I've gone through so much hardship myself so I can easily help them. I feel I read their faces, body language etc. intuitively, and I see all the little things that other people miss. I consider myself highly sensitive in this regard, as in opposite of autism. But when it comes to doing stuff with strangers, like ordering at a café or taking the bus, the train, borrowing books on the library etc. I'm super nervous! Is this social anxiety or autism?? I have ADHD and more or less all other autistic traits, so I don't know what to think...

[@AntonYadrov777]

@@SamirCCat "according to some psychologist" Mental healthcare in a nutshell. Also, that "opposite of autism" regarding reading people- did you also get that stupid notion from "some psychologist"? First and formost, Autism _Spectrum_ Disorder. Second- it is totally normal for non-ID ASD person to be very empathic and understanding of people they care about, I am like that too. We also instinctively observe other people our entire lives to learn their behaviors, gesticulation, mimicry and other signs, in order to understand their actions and intentions towards us and our loved ones. Third- ASD is _not_ a socialization disorder, it is _sensory_ processing disorder. Everyone is different and has their own way of socializing, clearly visible when they are kids. But over the years it changes, sometimes subconsciously, to cater to idiotic and nonsensical social "norms" and stigmas. This does not always happen to ASD people, because our brains do not really understand the point of such change (since there is none, in fact) and thus actively refuse it, so we put in a lot of conscient effort to stick with simulating others and suppressing our true selves, our norms, costing us a ton of energy. Then there is our sensory and mental overstimulation, making socializing with new people and adjusting to new work/study environments even more of an effort. And that's masking for you. Finally, what has already been brought up on this channel- if you think you've been more of an extrovert in your childhood, but gradually turned more introverted so as to avoid beratement and rejection for being "weird", as well as avoiding sensory overstimulation and potentional meltdowns- then yes, you're almost definitely ASD. Social anxiety is _not_ separate from ASD, it can very much come from what I just described, as it is _always_ caused by a trigger and is never congenital (essentially a phobia, which obviously are not congenital, but are a conditioned reflex), and ASD by itself does _not_ make you avoid social interaction.

[@AshleyIsArtsy]

@SamirCCat Personally, I feel like my social anxiety developed BECAUSE of my autism, that fear of being perceived as stupid came from when I tried to socialize without masking throughout my childhood and was rejected, mocked, or just given that annoying blank look people give you when you've said or done something "out of the norm". I also do agree with the other commentor in that autism isn't just a social thing, it's a sensory thing, it's literally neurons in our brains being overconnected! If you already have ADHD diagnosed I would potentially look into comorbid ADHD & Autism, apparently it can manifest pretty differently from either on their own, and it's pretty common to have both! If you feel like autism truly doesn't speak to your experience, though, no one's saying you have to have autism! You are neurodivergent, as an ADHD person, and that means you certainly have some things in common with other neurodivergent people! We're all just trying to assign meaning to things on this earth, lol

[@AntonYadrov777]

@@AshleyIsArtsy this is exactly what I am saying- social anxiety develops because of perceived fear, insults and rejection, it is not an integral part of ASD itself. And yes, if a person has already been diagnosed with ADHD, there is always a decently high possibility of having ASD, too.

[@visionvixxen]

Lol but not… this is me. I’ve stopped doing a lot of things because I’m scared of the results or just plain exhausted. Esp when people get mad at me for playing out instances and trying to figure out… and they think I’m being codependent or dependent.

[@SirThinks2Much]

Acquaintance: Me (to myself): This is great. I'm going to get a good grade in people, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,

[@jimwilliams3816]

Thank you, I’ve been struggling to understand masking, and you just helped me fill in a piece. I see now that some behaviors feel good because I get a better reaction, but that doesn’t mean they come naturally to me. In my case, joking came naturally to me. I was more relaxed, but my jokes seemed to confuse people. So I stopped doing that. Now I focus on using straightforward, earnest language, and sometimes it gets a better reaction, but any time I do that I am concentrating hard. It’s exhausting, and I just realized that I probably look tense to others.

[@ericxb]

It’s really lovely when you meet someone who genuinely wants to/can see all the colors you’re presenting - the blue AND the yellow, rather than just the surface one. It’s so restful being around these people. thank you for saying it’s not solely our job to maintain the perceptions of non- or indirect communicators

[@aqua_serene]

Being self aware of every little thing that you do that could be seen as autistic but knowing that you will never be able to stop doing those things because you are... well.... autistic, is a hell I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

[@starpoptarts]

reallll

[@tuesdaymendoza]

Just wanted to let you know that I sent your last video about finding autism-friendly jobs to my therapist, and this week was the first time I felt truly understood while in a session 🥹🖤. I’ve been seeing her for over a year. She loved it so much that she sent it to other clients. Your videos are the first time I have seen someone with my own lived experience, especially as an Asian woman who also deals with physical anxiety/cptsd. Thank you so much and I wish you the best and monumental success because your content is so important 🖤🖤

[@donagaleta]

I started to mask being more or less 20 y.o., after being said thousands of times: You never talk! You never smile! Even like an order: "Smile!" So I started to force myself to smile, and now, 30 years later, discovering that I'm autistic, I continue smiling to everyone in almost every situation, being concious all the time that I'm making an effort, that I'm faking, most of the time. Smile is not my natural and relaxed face. But I don't want people to think that I'm cold or boring or even a bad person 😓

[@m.r.228]

I do everything you described. The scripting, trying to speak in a higher tone, smiling and joking even though I don't want to. I constantly pick my interactions apart and torture myself over every detail, minutes, months, and years later, just the way you described. I'm newly diagnosed and have been doing this to myself my whole life, not realizing that it's not just a normal thing that everyone else does. Thank you for this video.

[@indigoblue4791]

The biggest issue that comes forward again and again, is we are putting way to much Pressure on ourselves. No one gets it right everytime and we shouldn't expect that of ourselves, it's just not fair.

[@georgiakinder7851]

While watching this I zoned out and starting cringing at what happened at my old job the I got dismissed from bc I was so unaware I was autistic. I’m getting there slowly with training myself to not feel ashamed or cringe in hindsight of social situations. The green/yellow metaphor is really useful to explain how we feel!

[@zoehayward3100]

I had this too, went months without work afterwards, and completely cringed over it all.

[@skinny_legend.]

"The Rehearsal" (I think that's how it's called) it's an HBO show that I think describes very well the situation of wondering how past (or in this case, future) conversations or events could've happened. Maybe that could helpful for some of y'all, or even for your neurotypical loved ones, so that they can understand a bit more of what I think we all go through.

[@AllineWork91]

I literally have to follow up my responses with "I'm not being sarcastic" sometimes and people still don't believe me 🤣 Just found your channel the other day and it's been so helpful. I used to think I did all of these weird things bc of x,y,z when it's just a good mix of adhd and autism. Theirs an odd relief in it and have already been less hard on myself about it. If other people don't vibe with me, thats fine. I just don't have the mental energy to be the "Walmart version" of somebody else. Let's get weird!

[@invisible__design657]

"I feel this deep sense of ineptnes to be someone that other people want to be around" same, and it really hurts :(

[@marieker3777]

I think I would be considered high masking... Was diagnosed at 26 (and ADHD at 15). I definitely do mask, but in retrospect, I don't think I was ever any good at it. I was practically non-verbal until 10 y/o. I got called out a lot for my odd behaviour and only started masking later in life because I got in increasingly serious trouble and was made to believe everything about me was wrong. Throughout life my biggest 'mask' has been my conventionally pretty appearance. I feel like the fact that I was diagnosed so late in life has more to do with people's assumptions about me based on my looks than me masking my behaviour.

[@GeorgeMoore55]

Hi🌹 How are you doing?

[@alyssarenae7821]

I've never heard someone so well externalize my thoughts, thank you.

[@ashmac87]

"The difference between what I'm feeling and what comes out." I struggle with this, too. Social interactions have always been very hard for me. I used to want to be a school psychologist but then I realized that would be very triggering because of my own experience of school. (diagnosed neurodivergent as an adult)

[@marisawojcikiewicz8148]

I’ve always felt this immense hyperawareness of my face and voice. Only now am I recognizing it as an awareness of how I have a flat affect, rather than a more surface level insecurity about my appearance/attractiveness. Such a weird realization to have.

[@duckymcqueen6336]

For me, people constantly thought I was stuck up or uninterested because I was quiet and observing a lot of the time, taking others in so that I can understand what works for them in interactions and what does. Also learning their energy so that I can reciprocate it. This type of behavior I did was helpful in working in promotions because everything was script and mirroring others energies. However, in the social scene outside of work, its isolating.. because everyone thinks you're weird, difficult, or hard to understand.. and you are right about over analyzing holding oneself back. I am constantly doing this and end up frizzing myself out. Its a no win situation--meltdown and going non-verbal, and they now think you're immature and cringe.

[@InParacosms]

It's so weird to me to remember we have a different way of seeing and experiencing things. I used to believe we all felt and had the same thought processes. Its just so weird to be told that the way I am isn't considered "normal" when that's what I've always thought about myself, despite struggling. I can relate to almost everything you've described. it's like you're inside my head and we're operating with the same hardrive. The more I learn about autism, the more I know I'm in fact neurodivergent.

[@joycebrewer4150]

I can relate on a literal level. I did not know until I was six that I needed glasses, in fact am very nearsighted. I remember believing my vision was normal, and that attitude affecting my family relationships. My father was far sighted, but rarely wore glasses unless reading. So he would tell me to go over and play on our lawn, while he was working on machinery way across the turn yard. He, did this to keep an eye on me, but because I could barely make out where he was against a similar color background, let alone what facial expression he was using or what that meant, I felt unloved, rejected. To my later shame, I treated him shabbily because of this. I did not realize at all that he, the grownup, was struggling too.

[@jessiedarrelljarbadan7326]

I have been doing this all my life. When you described the sinking feeling of realizing something you said may have been taken the wrong way resonated so much with me. Thank you for making this video. It’s given me a lot to think about. It also made me feel less alone. ❤

[@leekestner1554]

I never realized that the intense analyzation of past interactions are a part of being autistic. I have learned since being on Social Media to warn people that I am a fixer. If you are complaining about something but are really wanting someone to hold her hand and agree with you that "this is sh*t" then you need to tell me straight up at first because my brain will start trying to fix things.

[@Slipping_thru_the_Seams]

please please please let permanently nonverbal people have the word "nonverbal". we may have speech loss (episodes), verbal breakdowns, whatever else you like to call it, but they need the terms nonverbal/nonspeaking to find each other. they are obviously not in a position to easily come up with a new word for their community. thank you for the video. it made me feel seen in many ways. being high masking is really lonely honestly. my autistic self gets barely any support, i don't even know what i need, because I'm only able to show other people the mask. there's been no role models. it's been getting better but yeah. what you said about never getting a break in your own head... spot on.

[@Slipping_thru_the_Seams]

by the way im quite surprised to hear that your voice is considered monotone. in my humble autistic opinion you are plenty expressive 🤔 maybe it's the sensitivity to detail. i guess this must be part of what the double empathy problem is about.

[@aprilmeowmeow]

Well.. she's on camera. I would definitely try to "perform" a little on camera, even if I was filming something about autism (cuz I'm autistic, too, lol).

[@chachi7457]

Before my late diagnosis, no one around me seemed to understand what I meant by “I’m so tired of pretending to be a person in public,” and now I have an easier time explaining it. It is soooo draining

[@kikimp66]

I’ve been doing a lot of autism research to try and see if it’s something I should get tested for since I have a lot of sensory issues but I didn’t realize what scripting was until this video. I had always just thought of what I do as “daydreaming” especially when I’m trying to plan for future scenarios. Like thinking about getting tested for autism Ive been replaying in my mind over and over how that interaction might go and how I can appropriately communicate what I’m experiencing to the doctors. It’s so stressful and I didn’t realize that it was something I experience.

[@riry0ku]

This is one of the most accurate, validating and (personally) painful videos I've ever watched. Thank you for making it.

[@lauraburystedmundsyoga8231]

I script before social interactions - sometimes for days if it's important, like an interview. After I tend to dissect my interactions - they get a thorough post-mortem & I'm always harder on myself than anyone else. I've only realised I'm PDA for the last couple of years, so I've got used to blaming myself for any mistakes or misinterpretations that happen. Maybe I need to work on letting the other person in the conversation do the hard work for a change!!

[@SpookymidnightKyanite7]

I used to be a lot more monotone I’ve always had people correcting me to use my tone in my voice but now I’m overly expressive since I have that mold in my brain having people telling me use your tone every single day of my life growing up thanks for sharing your video 😊

[@JennMarcil]

Yes, relatable!

[@thehomunculi5824]

I could not have related more to this video my entire life I thought I just had a "negative thought pattern" and that's why I would look back and cringe at old events but as a high masking person it really makes sense now

[@carmentalisa5036]

It feels completely debilitating going over all my own actions and interactions with others in my head. Trying to drop the mask has been extremely hard.

[@cameronehrle]

Oh my goodness! I recently have learned that I am on the spectrum. I have struggled with "social anxiety" my whole life. What I didn't realize was that this was me trying to become neurotypical. I analyzed every interaction because I didn't want to be rejected. I realize now that this was my brain's way of trying to become neurotypical so that I could be accepted by other neurotypical. I have been so burned out and exhausted. I avoided social gatherings because the idea of trying to fit in and be accepted was too much. I pretended to become someone else because deep down I didn't feel good enough. You are the first person I feel I can truly relate to about my life! I'm literally so grateful you made this video!

[@samf.s.7731]

😭 this is so true... Things like this just don't come naturally, and I come off probably like a stone. 😑

[@dmgroberts5471]

Well, you know what? Stones are solid and dependable. You know where you are with a stone.

[@samf.s.7731]

@@dmgroberts5471 thank you 😭

[@justlisten9435]

You address difficult topics deeply, thoughtfully, critically - your calm, neutral delivery allows me to engage with those issues.

[@rkats7529]

I come back to this video anytime i feel like i really failed at a social interaction. I just met two new people at a job im working at and it went pretty badly with both of them. Currently in the bathroom crying now over criticizing myself so hard. Then i thought of this video and it’s helping me calm down and not feel alone in this. Thank you for bringing awareness to this issue, it helps a lot. ❤

[@fitcoachmarshall4310]

41 and just finding out I’m neurodivergent. A lot of what you discuss, I’m right there with you! I have a very hard time not trying to “fix” perceptions, especially false perceptions of my self. I definitely replay and hyper focus on not just past interactions, but many different possible future interactions on any given topic. I spend the majority of my time/day alone inside my own mind while doing nothing but researching and learning… again, I hyper focus. I am working with my psychologist on it, among many other topics you brought up. I also suffer from neurodegenerative disease due to exposure to neuro toxins and countless TBI’s during combat operations. My mind is a mess, and learning why has dramatically helped me to gain back control over the previous chaos that once plagued my “reality”. And yes, I get so exhausted at times in my head from over analyzing as many topics as my brain will let me, that I occasionally just stop “thinking” all together. Reading a lot of comments of the “like-minded” also helps…

[@yasmeenamzk]

Nice back drop! It’s very calming to look at

[@cocobeanzzzzz]

Hi Irene, I'm so thankful and happy you posted a video, I love hearing your content because you are so well spoken and put experiences that I couldn't even describe into words. Thank you for all your help on my self diagnosis journey! I think it's very interesting that you wanted to be more expressive when youre monotone, as an autistic person who is very expressive, I often get labelled as loud, weird, too chatty, childish, unfiltered, and too much. Those around me compare my behaviour to a toddler. I'm very extroverted and love talking, but I often don't quite get the formula right for allistic to think "hmm she's a good candidate for a friend!" I'm usually one of the last people they wanna hangout with, and get labeled as rude or cold because of my lack of understanding for social cues. I also can't control my face, my expressions just happen on their own and I often have to watch myself and tell myself, "okay, neutral face Kamil" because if not, others will think I am mad, sad, etc. I can't control the inflection in my voice either, so people say I sound like a child at times and ask me "why are you talking in your normal voice?" I notice that a lot of my friends, or people who are around me, they just like my energy and don't take me seriously other than that. It's like I'm too bubbly, energetic, and immature to have any desire for anything deeper to them.

[@heedmydemands]

It is hard to know sometimes if a person will b right to open up to about something deeper. What if u try to bring up something deeper?

[@writerwannabe8778]

​@@heedmydemandsGood advice

[@heedmydemands]

@@writerwannabe8778 are you a writer?

[@writerwannabe8778]

@@heedmydemands Yes!

[@writerwannabe8778]

But not an author, if that's what you wondered. But a writer definitely. But author wannabe doesn't sound as good haha!

[@lola0u]

I've been beating myself up for who I am. I always try to emulate to be more bubbly and light hearted, with little success. My voice is also monotone and with little facial expression. I've been feeling so low and I feel like I might not be able to form meaningful connections in my life because I don't know how to connect and my life is ruined. It's validating to hear your experience. Thank you for sharing!

[@MichaeloooleahciM]

I get intense flashback memories of interactions with people that could be decades ago or yesterday; both are treated the same, as very intense embarrassment and painful. It is as you stated that i believe I am constantly analyzing the interaction for social errors. Oddly, the interactions usually are not an embarrassing interaction that i remember, but could be a facial cue the person did, that i didn't pick up on, or confused by. It is a very frustrating element of autism, and exhausting at times if it stems from a large social gathering from that week. All the interaction slam into my brain with intense embarrassment, and I make noises when it happens too.

[@tracybartels7535]

This is so my life, my day today in fact. I am not as good at masking as I used to be a few years ago when I had friends and practiced more often and thought less, though I am pretty sure I was never great. I remember someone in Kindergarten or First grade telling me that I looked weird or sad and I think it's a flat affect thing. I do have to think about smiling and will forget within seconds, even if I am genuinely happy, but I was probably 50 before I fully understood the problem, and your green to orange effect is part of it. Now, immediately after I interact with adults, I even (unintentionally!) repeat phrases of my own to hear how I said them and if they sound natural. I try not to worry about being seen as orange instead of green. I just try to do the right thing and not care about things like hearing how all my "friends" are hanging out together without inviting me. I don't think I can show them what I'm really doing or feeling, I try to do some of the right things like texting and saying kind things and smiling and waving to show friendliness. It is definitely not conscious, although I do more examining of interactions immediately and get more mental rest when I've been alone. The whole thing is so exhausting, and sometimes I know I have annoyed people and can not, even after hours, figure out what I did wrong. I never even did this consciously until I was almost 40 and realised I couldn't make friends not because I was in the wrong group, but, as they say, "I'm the problem", and all this analysis doesn't seem to help, in fact, if anything it's worse now. I did used to watch people. How do they move? How do they know how and when to touch each other to get closer to each other, like the people I knew who were charismatic? How do they draw others in? I've watched and watched but can't do it well. I can do voices OK when I have a lot of energy, but not body language or physicality, can't look relaxed, eye contact, can't touch people at all, and they don't hug me, even really touchy people, which was great being not touched when I was pregnant but not great now. People don't get drawn to me and I can't do it, no matter how I copy. I just figure that I AM wrong, but I also like me and just only like me when I'm alone and am not annoying them or failing to be what I should be.

[@tracik1277]

I can relate to a lot of this. Some of the similarity is that I am of a similar age to you so grew up with the same kind of mindset in other people.

[@LateNightHalo]

This was an important video for me to hear. It’s hard to keep up the bubbly, extroverted voice and super sociable. It’s exhausting to suppress personality traits in order to appear more neurotypical

[@elizabethdixon2964]

There’s a fantastic children’s book called Red by Michael Hall that perfectly describes that feeling of the wrong color coming out. I almost cried the first time I read it with my students!

[@siennacyclops]

I had no idea that most of these behaviors were even a symptom of autism until I watched this video. I've been trying to piece together what it is, exactly, that I struggle with since I found out that I was autistic a few months ago (I'm 47). You captured what goes on inside my head with almost disturbing accuracy. I'm SHOOK 😮😮 Thank you, so much, for sharing your experiences!✌✌❤❤

[@cynaracypreste]

heyo, I used to have very similar experiences but like a few months ago something switched in my head (many thanks to Unmasking Autism by Devon Price), and that's the "why" of masking. Basically whenerver you recognize yourself going full "uber mega detailed social analysis mode", ask yourself why are you feeling that urge: why do I feel that I need to behave a certain way? why do I feel that if I do not mask something bad might happen? Why do I feel that if I behave in a way that comes naturally, I will suffer somekind of violence from my peers? (and many other whys, just remember to redirect it internally, to how you _feel_). Most oftenly I catch myself doing that automatically, letting myself assume before anything else that _literally everyone that I'm interacting with_ is somehow unsafe to be around... Which is understandable from a trauma perspective, but isn't in any way true to reality. The gist of asking "why" you feel like masking is that you can pinpoint wherether you are doing it instinctively, or because your are actually interacting with a threat. If the threat isn't there, if you recognize that "idk it's just an underpaid cashier on a grocery store at 9:22am that won't even remember your face", you can then allow yourself to relax, and then redirect your focus in understand and be understood, all while grounding yourself to your values (pls read Devon Price) And then you'll also realize that sometimes the analysis mode turns on for a very good reason, and in those cases it's way more efficient to just gtfo out of the interaction. And if you can't, there's nothing saying that the other peer is owed your cordiality (you don't have to be nice to assholes lol. yes, exceptions do apply, but remember: they're exceptions). Oh and you feel unsafe around your friends because they'll mistreat you if you act """weird"""? Well, maybe they aren't good friends and you don't have to keep them around! I say all that as if it were very easy to do lol, which is it isn't, but _it does get easier_ as it becomes a habbit! And for me it has, and I do feel way less drained by social interactions! In fact, there's now even space for ~fun~ Anyways lol appologies for the long ass comment, just wanted to share my nifty tips! ✨many hugs and good luck everyone!

[@Bladebrent]

Definitely relate to the part about overthinking past experiences and worrying too much about how OTHER people perceived me. I definitely felt like I had to put other people first and if something bothered me, I usually internalized it as "oh *IM* being ridiculous" or "it might bother other people too but they just put up with it." I have luckily learned the general moral of this video already, but only a couple years ago, and it would've been really nice to have learned this in my early 20's. I've improved that aspect of my personality and im trying to learn how to work with my autism and get my life going now, but I feel like I've alot of repairing to do before then.

[@katiaaahhh]

I really appreciated the color analogy, that explained the disconnect between the inner identity and outer perception so well. Also, I feel that the color palettes you can access vary from day to day drastically. So even if, say I, typically use a certain percentage of “blue and yellow” to create green externally to a neurotypical, sometimes, depending on the environment, level of burnout, etc., I almost run out of blue paint or yellow paint and then end up mixing this crappy version of green that I did not intend. Hopefully that made sense lol. Anyway I totally felt this so hard, spectacular video 🙏✨ really needed to hear from someone who is dealing with this also. I would love to break the “playback machine” lol

[@katiaaahhh]

Also to answer your question about being easier on yourself, I’ve found that surrounding myself with good people helps with the analysis because even if I do/say something unconventional I know I am not being judged, and eliminating people from my life who add to my negative voice. And of course special interest distractions help as well haha

[@tracik1277]

I like your addition to the green to orange metaphor and running out of the appropriate paint to create the green. As an artist I know that green and orange mixed together create a sludgy grey/brown colour which struck me as a good metaphor for how I feel inside after having social interactions where I feel unseen or misunderstood.

[@katiaaahhh]

@@tracik1277 yesss….sludgy brown is very accurate! It’d be nice to have a shirt that says “I feel sludgy brown” on those days so it’s even more obvious hehe

[@shylathiel]

You are a beautiful, ingenious, talented authentic woman! ❤

[@jimwilliams3816]

Almost everything you described was really me, and then about 19:00 you talked about replaying conversations, coming up with alternate bad interpretations of how you might have come across, and freaking out. That is EXACTLY my story, and the habit worsened over several decades until the neural pattern got so entrenched that I just do it after every social interaction like a reflex, and now I avoid every interaction I can. It’s very lonely. The one place I vary from what you describe is that I have a lot of hyperactive ADHD, and an intense oblivious streak that I still don’t fully understand, so in most situations I just go by instinct, which works very poorly, and I keep trying the things that don’t work over and over. Since my AuDHD dx at 62, I have actually started trying to sort out what I’m doing wrong, and in some cases concentrate furiously to perform “correctly.” It improves things a little, but you are right, it is SO exhausting. After monitoring myself in Zoom staff meetings, sometimes I cry afterwards.

[@mucholovo8075]

Listening to your words made me cry, it resonated deeply within me, it’s like a feeling of inadequacy and incapability that follows me everywhere. Especially with the metaphor of the green, I wasn’t aware of that feeling of not being able to be perceived for who I am It’s like I constantly have to fight against something, even just when walking in the streets now, I feel unconsciously judged and then when I come back home it finally releases and I need to put some comfortable clothes, but it’s so tirering and never ending

[@panasado7886]

I relate so much with you. I've been having trouble with my "social mask" with someone in particular, and I've been analyzing so much my behavior that the "act" isn't worth it anymore. The burnout, migraines, insomnia, and anxiety problems aren't worth it. Now, I'm just setting boundaries with that person and letting my "blunt self" exist a bit, cause I realized that even with the mask on I have drama, and It's not a "me" problem anymore. If I end up in trouble because my "attitude is bad" I try to be as polite as I can that It's not my intention to hurt anyone. It doesn't work with that person cause she's quite manipulative, and that's why I gave up on her. (If it were for me I'll just cut ties, but I can't) I don't know if I'm autistic yet, but I have similar struggles and had social phobia as a teenager. Your videos have helped me a lot with that!

[@SkyKnightUprising]

You have no idea how much I relate to these sentiments. I actually had a situation just like this with a woman, complete with having to cut ties with her for how manipulative she was. She literally tried to accuse me of BS that another man did and almost caused an uproar. And all I did was ask her to buy me a sports drink with some money I was willing to lend her (even allowing her to keep the change). That moment was my last straw with her. Been seeing her on the road here and there, but haven't interacted with her once since.

[@panasado7886]

@@SkyKnightUprising I always think that It's better to cut ties when people are toxic! (If you can) The person I have problems with also accuses me on a lot of BS, and then expects me to act like nothing happened and fake a smile. Most people do that with her, but I don't reply as she expects so she becomes desperate and has meltdowns. She then uses my struggles and boundaries, such as that I don't like being touched, as a way to victimize herself. Since I can't cut ties, we are on therapy so she can respect my boundaries and I'm seeking diagnosis so she can understand me better (And also, to understand myself). I won't lie that cutting ties is way easier lol

[@madalinaanton3253]

It is really hard when you moved on from Highschool to college or from college to the workforce and your mask doesn't serve you anymore. I came out of Highschool very confident and with lots of hobbies and a good self image, but college ruined me. I might have had neurodivergent friends in highschool that made it easy for me but changing my mask from a somewhat bubbly person to a reserved and serious I don't tell stupid stuff person because I would literally get bullied as an adult for talking about my hobbies was really hard. And then getting into the workforce ment I had to analyze every night if anything I said sounded stupid and unprofessional.

[@fawnwolf]

Ever since I was shamed a few years back for questioning whether or not I’m on the spectrum, i still struggle with feeling such shame for feeling sure that I am. Hearing you speak of things I have always dealt with feels insanely validating since for so long I’ve just convinced myself I’m just dumb or lazy for not having the energy to be around people for extended periods of time or not being able to add inflection in my tone and being told I’m hard to converse with because of it. I so badly hope to find the courage and the means one day to seek out a diagnoses.

[@senp7393]

Irene, I relate to you SOO much and I appreciate you continuing to be vulnerable and open with us. The knowledge you share about ASD has changed my life, with how I react to others and also how I view myself after getting diagnosed this past April. I’ve spent many years just despising myself, believing I’m stupid and broken and never allowing myself to even experience life, and it’s like by receiving my diagnoses I was able to just shed those beliefs and start over completely. Instead of allowing people to form opinions of me (negative or not) I can be open with them and communicate that I struggle with social cues and lack skills. This has allowed me to forgive myself SO much easier! While being autistic is difficult I feel almost like I have been an airplane trying to travel on railroad tracks my entire life and finally I’ve been transferred to a runway. Thank you. ❤

[@Crow-ht6co]

Ain’t no way. I’m relating to this way too much and I’m analyzing my relatability to this because I’m unsure if that’s it. It’s too accurate with areas and I’m thankful about that, but also wary of the possibility that I may have that high ‘tism. Always given myself the excuse of “oh well I’m just wired like that, like a weird kid.” growing up, but if how I am and what you say correlate so much as I am turning 18, I gotta get that checked out, just for certainty’s sake. ❤w/ much love thank you for sharing and talking

[@bluegreenyellowme]

THIS: “When you feel like you have what you need to analyze yourself, critique yourself, fix yourself. You NEVER get a break in your own mind. You really never get a break. You kinda learn to live life knowing that you cannot show up as you are as you want to. You will always need to go into your head, go into the webs of “trying to convey what is inside outwardly the best that you can. And that is if you are trying to honor yourself and your authenticity.” I once analyzed an interaction for 10 years before deciding on an “appropriate” response which I realized that I probably could not deliver today to save my life…

[@missyylynn]

The validation of “this is why you do this and this is how your should shift your mindset” is SO refreshing and helpful as opposed to “well you just can’t think that way” ugh thank you

[@toltekrecords]

Undiagnosed ASD person here (assessment scheduled for October). Along with all the videos I've seen of yours, this one really hit home. Analyzing interactions years later, scripting conversations in advance, etc... This was an emotional video for me. Very helpful. Thank you! ❤

[@kayjay-kreations]

Good luck let us know how you go.

[@toltekrecords]

@@kayjay-kreations Will do...

[@miranda4073]

I relate so strongly to this. When I talked to my therapist several years ago about my habit of spending time after interactions ruminating and analyzing and checking whether I did everything correctly, she evaluated me for OCD. I don't think she was wrong to do so, and it could be that I'm both autistic and have OCD, since the conditions tend to be comorbid. And since then, as I've talked to her about my suspicion that I have autism, she has offered to reevaluate and rethink my diagnosis and whether it's still accurate (she's the best, get u a queer snake person therapist). But this is the first time I've put together that that inciting description of analyzing my behavior after interactions, which led to starting evaluations, could just be my high-masking autism. My persistent fear that people find me boring and don't want to hang out with me because of my low energy and failing to be bubbly and 'interesting'? Also resonates strongly with stuff you've said in this. It's so real it hurts. I do want to hit on a positive note for other folks who find this, not to devalue any of the concerns people have about how hard it is to drop masking, because it's really really hard and I've certainly been through a lot of pain. But I just want to say that, especially when you find other neurodivergent folks (we are drawn to one another, after all), dropping the mask can feel so wonderful and life-giving. Even with NT folks, embracing being weird has brought me so much more joy than trying to conform ever did. The other day when I was playing with my D&D group, someone mentioned that they 'loved the cackling' as I picked up a handful of dice to roll damage. Totally involuntary noise that I hadn't realized I was making - and one group of people might have thought it was so bizarre that I 'cackled,' but because I've found my people, they love that I make strange noises and have weird idiosyncrasies. Once at work, several years ago, we were determining what type of bagel everyone in the room would be, and someone told me that to them I was an asiago bagel - not the most popular flavor or the average person's favorite, but the people who love them really love them. I still see that as the best compliment I've ever received, and I try to carry it with me. Not everyone is going to vibe with my personality, but it's possible to find people who do. And it's a really hard road, continues to be hard, but it's possible to get there.

[@lglass9804]

I felt that in my soul when you said you wanted to 'be more authentic and not just the butt of the joke.' Thank you for sharing this 🙏 11:54

[@ClementineDaydream]

I related soooooo much to you here, even getting emotional right before you said you were getting emotional. it feels very isolating to yearn to be seen for who I really am and simultaneously be afraid of being seen.

[@francesbaker7233]

Exactly. Well put.

[@christynagonzalez419]

This is so beautifully thoughtful. I relate to this so deeply, I could cry. Just lovely. Thank you!

[@cynthiag3065]

Thank you. You are the one autistic content creator that is delivering on serious issues for us. This video has given me incite to why I get migraines after every interaction with people. Trying to be normal is exhausting.

[@nero3795]

You speak and express your experiences so clearly oh my god it hit me so hard. Most of the time when i try to speak i just freeze and i forget every word in the english dictionary

[@tenderdecay]

i honestly resonated with the part of inability to truly connect with people because of guarded you are from masking, even if it's unconscious. for almost my entire life, i frequently analyze my social interactions. from a young age, i learned that being as small and quiet as possible were qualities that received the most praise (mostly from adults) so i adopted them even though i vividly recall used to being so loud and boisterous as a child. i've been very highly critical that led to my low self-esteem and for years felt very lost and not knowing who i am because of how much of myself i've repressed. in recent years, i've started to just being less harsh on myself, extending kindness to myself and slowly unmasking at my own pace and comfort. sure, it's been met with confusion and disappointment. some people perceived me as way too naive, sensitive, and possibly immature even though i'm only trying to exist as i am. but i've been able to foster relationships with people that made me feel it's possible to be myself and still connect with other people. it's tough and i still have a long journey ahead of me but understanding my limits and being kind to myself in tough times has helped me immensely, even if it feels impossible at times.

[@shannonholland3354]

This is me today after a job interview going over what I should have said. I appreciate this topic so much.

[@jojoeljefe]

the color analogy for the self was beautiful

[@strawbam6786]

Probably one of the videos that hit most home/has been most relevant. Thx alot, gonna share

[@sharanya8008]

23:50 Something I've never heard in my life but now I'm listening on repeat because it is healing so much in me right now I can't express in words.

[@GonkyWonkler]

Neuron-divergent males here. It's pretty rough realizing all the ways I was unknowingly being cruel or being a bully, simply because I was out of sync with others. I definitely beat myself up over it, and it does exhaust me. I hope, and feel we are on the verge of an "autism renaissance" of sorts. As more "neurodivergent" people are heard, the more it will resonate with people like me. I needed to hear the autistic experience from an autistic people for it to resonate with me (I got a bach in psych a few years ago, and learned a fair deal about "abnormal psychology"). Thank you to all of you out there who sharing your experiences, and living authentically.

[@GonkyWonkler]

Feeling the creep of skill regression is terrifying, also.

[@jessicashirley6634]

Your vulnerability regarding your autistic experiences is so powerful! All the best on your adventures

[@ashmac87]

If anyone is interested, something that has helped me is closing my eyes, imagining Little Me, and telling her that I will take care of her. ❤

[@francesbaker7233]

Thank you for reminding me of that. I do it sometimes now and it would be good to do it more often.

[@kylad7970]

Your videos make me feel more seen than anyone ever has, post socialization is and has always been so agonizing and I have no idea who my real friends are because I can’t see myself as being considered someone’s friend. I have been trying to ask more questions lately instead of just answering them and that has been helping with understanding others around me, distributing the conversation and realizing they actually are friends that I can be around without feeling like I need to disappear afterwards

[@stellkirkie]

Really enjoying your videos as a fellow Asian American woman who is working through a potential ASD diagnosis! I always struggled so much with appearing social and “put together” but struggling significantly behind the scenes to put that appearance up for others. Have spent my whole life just beating myself up for being weird and tired from masking all the time, slowly unlearning that and learning to be gentler!

[@ninja8tyu]

I've learned the hard way that despite being autistic and doing my best to word things to help as many people understand me... ...well, most people are just plain stupid, will actively misinterpret you, push their reality onto you, and are just plain manipulative, abusive, and malicious. It's a valuable skill that I learned to do my best to talk with others and make understanding as lenient as possible, but I have to admit that at some point, I'm trying to telepathically gift someone living in their own delusion knowledge and experiences to even rudimentary understanding of reality to try and understand my perspective, and that's literally impossible. It's best to learn to trust that there are good people who are able to and try to understand you, and learn to identify and not waste energy on those who are unable to or don't try to understand you.

[@shaunicrystallane6140]

Oh god. Thank you so much for putting this into words -- I relate to *everything*. I was diagnosed this year and whenever I am sick of the constant analysis and deep thoughts, I feel so much better knowing there are so many people wired just like me x