Two Opposing Perspectives on Sexual Abuse Perpetrators

[@lynnbishop9493]

As someone that was abused, I have never been able to understand what makes an abuse victim go onto abuse others. It just doesn't make sense. I had two brothers one 18 months younger than the other, both were sexually abused by the same person at the same time, the same situation. . One brother went on to become an sexual abuser of many children, 10 years later he raped and murdered at least one woman, the other brother never did never did anything like that, he went on to become very introverted, was very gentle and caring. I often wonder why they reacted so differently to the same abuse.

[@BlackCatedialogue]

There is a video by kati morton on this she said is based on many factors like resilence how much conciousness the individual had during trauma personality type. There nothing wrong in being different in expressing pain from abuse. However this doesnot excuse your brother behavior. He is responsible to seek treatment and heal if he doesnt he is doing both harm to himself n others. This awful

[@pastelpanda7309]

Being a victim of abuse often feels like absolute powerlessness. Usually your only choice is to live through it. And high chances are when you're in trauma, you're more likely to not want to live it wholeheartedly, experiencing everything. But me, being born from traum, there is no escape for me. This is my life. Whether I do something beneficial or detrimental it will be created from trauma. Humanity actively and unconsciously does not love trauma and all the children, men women, etcetera within it do not get the necessary things needed for their wellbeing. This makes it so until the trauma is acknowledged and embraced wholeheartedly it has to continue. More people have to be made conscious of it. There's no better way to do this than to literally experience it. Especially, if human beings won't be present with it otherwise. I hated being a child so much, I hated children as whole. I see them as helpless human beings who can do nothing for themselves. I can't relate to normal children. So the only children I can relate to are like me. I feel the need to see it, or create it, so I can be with it. Example of this, the sexualized child trying to connect with its innocence perpetuating its loss of it over and over again. Me, I hated being a child and that manifests as rage towards children and innocence. Whenever I see the enriched innocent child, I'm reminded of a child I never got to be. I see a child who got what I didn't for seemingly no reason. And the only way I can feel alive and like I'm better and more important than they are, is if I murder or abuse them. Then, I'm not the child being abused. Then, I'm not alone. And I can see that I'm alive. That relief feels amazing. Btw, I haven't harmed anyone. I have learned to scale back my urges. I am trying to get better.

[@BlackCatedialogue]

@@lynnbishop9493 me too

[@pastelpanda7309]

@@lynnbishop9493 Then, you are probably a better parent than I would be. Haha. Animals are ok. I think if I have to take care of one, that's when problems arise. It is taking care of a life, after all.

[@lynnbishop9493]

@@pastelpanda7309 No I was a loser as a mother, I'm good with other people's children.

[@threebigideas3488]

Grappling with the truth isn't easy. It's much easier to dissociate and parse things into black / white. Same thing with the issues of school shooters. It's easy to say that a person is a monster. But at some point that shooter was an innocent child that was harmed greatly, became despondent, depressed and full of hate. We reinforce the cycle when we fail to ask the proper questions. We need to save the shooting victims but more importantly the shooter from becoming that way in the first place.

[@followtruthwhereeveritleads2]

Nobody is truly interested in saving them. I think their depressing and disdain for alot of humanity is, often times but not always, justifiable. And its not like there's nobody who deserves the treatment they get anyway, the SS need to pick the right targets, evil people, and do it to them to make the world less bad.

[@ezybella]

I agree with everything in this video except for the assumption that “Everyone wants to heal”. No, not everyone. Some people would rather die than look at themselves, acknowledge what they’ve done and change.

[@Wormwoodification]

I think if you look deeper you realize it's more 'everyone wants to stop hurting.' Most people don't realize it's by looking and changing that one heals so yes you are correct people are terrified of looking at themselves and their actions and how they hurt others. Self hatred does kill people, it takes courage to look within at all the shit and still keep going. Plus there is a societal addiction to 'earning absolution'. If one isn't properly penitent and feels guilt and hates themselves for what wrong they've done then they are deemed unstable and rejected. Self hatred is touted as good often and this further confuses the issue.

[@yabe1496]

Agree, not everybody wants to heal. In fact there are sociopaths, they enjoy and feel alive and emotional atached when they make people suffer. Even though they are human and understanding that human behaviour is key for prevention. Just a few therapists can deal with these people. If you meet one please run away asap and protect children.

[@thecure3982]

@@Wormwoodification When hooked up to a machine it's found that abusers are lying about themselves being victims. These people are exploitative and will do anything to harm. They manipulate psychiatric staff.

[@RelaxxationStation]

If my perpetraitor got help, healed and never hurt anyone else, I would be happy... For other potencial victims, not them, I couldnt care less what happens to them

[@mahlononthemoon2728]

I'd be happy for your perpatrator too..🤷🏾‍♂️

[@IronMan-wz8dx]

maybe someday that would be a reality.Someday there would be plenty of interventions prior to them even getting to doing acts of abuse against others with better technology and education.

[@mahlononthemoon2728]

@Fires And Flowers it means we love ourselves regardless of the environment that's shaped us and we're willing to better ourselves regardless of who thinks we don't have that right.

[@Tony-li5kt]

Same. I want vengeance and I want the cycle of abuse to end even more.

[@lynnbishop9493]

I truly believe there is no help, my perp still believes I wanted him to have sex with me... by his admission I was about 1 year old when it started. I did take him to court, and he did a plea deal, so was only charged with sexual connection with a girl under 14. and served just over a year, refusing to do the sex offenders program because he was a born again christian and god had forgiven him.... a few months after getting out of prison, he stopped going to church... that was abot 30 years ago now, and I haven't seen him as many years.

[@dazzeloids]

I’m one of those people who’d be quite happy to know my perpetrator had gotten better. I have no clue what they are doing and seeing them gives me chills, but that’s all. I’ve been scared all my short life to become a perpetrator too though. I see how people can do that. I don’t forgive perpetrators though. You don’t have to forgive them to help them. The most aggressive action in response to my perpetrator I partake in is when I’m suicidal. I always remember that myself as a sexual abuse survivor would be silenced if I died and that I should be alive as long as my perpetrators are allowed to live themselves. It’s not a perfect coping method, but it keeps me grounded. It obviously doesn’t work for those with perpetrators who aren’t alive.

[@mahlononthemoon2728]

I'm sorry about your fears about perpetrating. I hope you can realize that in a world with trillions of thoughts you were able to find one that has compassion for others and that says a lot about your strength and your validity

[@bettingonme13]

thanks for having the courage to discuss something as sensitive and taboo as this topic, even though so many people have experienced this type of abuse, and many are survivors, perpetrators, and both. as a survivor and a social worker, i understand both perspectives. and for me those perspectives are often colliding with each other because it’s hard to hold them both at the same time and that’s why i have a boundary to not work with offenders. but given the nature of the work, sometimes an admission of causing harm in that way comes out deep into a therapeutic relationship. in an ideal world, where rape culture and enabling abusers wasn’t rooted into all aspects of society, i think it would be a lot more feasible to acknowledge and take action from those two perspectives. but given that we live in this world, where sexual trauma is ubiquitous and healing isn’t, i feel like the deconstruction of so many systems would need to happen to make a difference in truly ending these cycles of abuse. the first perspective is what i’ve been living out since i decided to acknowledge the reality of what i experienced and all those closest to me that enabled it. this path has been painful and rewarding because i no longer internalize that shame and can externalize all that anger towards the people who deserve it. again in an ideal world, if all survivors went about healing from the first perspective, then i feel like there wouldn’t be as many perpetrators who were once victims themselves. but because we unfortunately live in a world where abuse is normalized and enabled, the perpetrators are given free range to not reflect and heal, and to continue harming others with no remorse. i don’t think everyone wants to heal or even has the possibility to gain congruence within them to identify how their abuse is tied to abusing others. i do think that it’s possible for some people to heal and seek redemption. but i feel like that percentage of people (specifically regarding sexual abuse) is a lot smaller than those who don’t want to change. there’s so many rewards and incentives to not changing because the world is run by abusers. anyway, i say all this to say: yes, to truly end cycles of abuse that are perpetrated by former victims both perspectives are valuable. however, the deconstruction and destruction of systems that reward abuse and shame survivors would have to take place for any real change to happen. also i think about prevention and how much of a big difference it would make for children to be taught about consent, boundaries, and sexual education at a young age (age appropriate of course). but that again requires a rebuilding of systems and removing power from abusers who make policies regarding education and censorship.

[@MessengerRising]

So if some of the abused go on to be abusers wouldn't it be a good idea to treat those abused as a means of preventing any potential future abuse perpetrated by those abused individuals thus breaking the cycle? Also any perpetrators need to be helped with their past traumas in an effort to prevent them from re-offending. If perpetrators were also victims in the past then they need to be shown the same compassion as any other victim. Getting people to talk about historic abuse would be a good start as the silence surrounding this issue is a big problem.

[@thankyoujesus2836]

Even if people don’t show it immediately I feel everyone feels guilty and down on themselves for messing up or hurting someone. Some people try to push it away but they still know it. It’s painful to face the fact that you are not perfect and have done something you’re not proud of that hurt someone else.

[@DR-nh6oo]

That is a nice thought but some people literally have no guilt, no remorse.

[@thankyoujesus2836]

​@@DR-nh6oo I think they do, its just they can't do it at the moment.

[@DR-nh6oo]

Thank YOU JESUS Unfortunately there are those who are basically psychopathic who truly only feel remorse if they lose out.

[@forensicfaithinprofiling]

Narcissist and psychopaths can't ever feel that. We've got to be realistic and factual, based on logic. Not emotionally rationalizing their repugnant behavior. Facts are, sadists, psychopaths and narcissists will never ever ever ever be neurologically capable of feeling guilt or remorse. I hope this helps someone come to terms w how to stop idealizing criminal behavior and criminal acts.

[@oooops537]

@@DR-nh6oo today s walking dead from over stressed or whatever.

[@Wormwoodification]

Having been surrounded by victims and the first perspective my whole life, and had abuse done to me, I have been aware of the two opposing view points from the beginning. I mean, I watched Xena as a kid and Xena's whole storyline was about redemption. I've always taken a more empathetic role in these cases. I've even had to learn the first perspective for my own journey of healing but I wholeheartedly agree the common perspective is that the abuser is the bad guy and should be done away with. I feel it's an incredibly sad option as it excludes the possibility of the abuser healing and changing. I think so much hate goes into blaming the abuser, it's an avoidant tactic the abused party takes to dodge their own deep healing which must be done. As you said, all those who abused someone were abused themselves so I think it's a matter of ethics to take control of one's healing journey and insure you never commit such terrible acts yourself. The worst abuse I've suffered was from someone who called themselves 'victim' their whole life.

[@rightnow5839]

Wow, I agree totally with everything your saying and had considered these things myself. God you posted this. 😊

[@christinebadostain6887]

I actually feel that it is both/and. Yes, feel all of the emotions and a significant aspect of the vicitim's healing is forgiveness. One can feel both disgust and forgiveness simultaneously. We really need to learn to be able to hold the tension of both/and emotions

[@Wormwoodification]

I love this comment. It is very true we can feel two opposing emotions simultaneously. More even. People can hold two opposing beliefs as well.

[@christinebadostain6887]

@@Wormwoodification Thank you Ariel---so true

[@sam4330]

I think the reason why some people have to be able to "forgive" is that it's a way to let go and accept your situation, and to regain a sense of normalcy. If you walk around constantly thinking about how there is this person in the world who is capable of putting you through so much pain, you might get stuck in that state where you're processing what happened, and never getting to the stage where you heal and start to feel like you're the one in control of your life. The threat will just always be there. Not saying this is how it works for everyone, but for some, and for them forgiving means acceptance and being able to move on in the healing process. It makes you able to see the person more as human than as this force of evil, so that you don't have to feel like there is a threat all the time. The pop singer Kesha has this song called Praying, where she sings about how she hopes her abuser is changing and finding peace. And then there is this part where she sings "Some say in life you're gonna get what you give, but some things only god can forgive." And I think that's a very healthy way to look at it. She has to hope that he changes and finds forgiveness, because it's just too hard to accept that people like that just keep on being so bad. However, it's not up to her to forgive him! I'm not a fan of the religious parts of the lyrics, but the point is that just because you can come to the conclusion that someone deserves forgiveness, that forgiveness doesn't necessarily have to come from you. It can come from society in the form of compassion and willingness to help the person become better. And I think that's probably the most helpful way to move on if you're struggling with something like this.

[@rreinaable]

I think both perspectives . 1 because you have to really own your feelings and not push them away because if you do you end up doing a soul fracture, or soul split, that’s when people have a second personality later in life. 2 it’s once you knowledge that in the past you did the same thing you understand how the other person felt in the past and you sympathize with them and sometimes it’s related to past life’s and with past life regression we find that in a lot of clients. Ps. On the first one tho if you acknowledge your feelings and honor your feelings and claim them you have also have to learn to just observe them and let them go , take time to go with the feeling , cry, punch or whatever it’s just mean to not repress the emotions the feelings, but to come to self realization they you are a human being and also that it’s ok, the perpetrator did something with your body but he could never ever touched or will touch your soul , because we are not our body , we are beings in a body. And so with that knowledge you heal yourself. And most of all forgive yourself and accept and love yourself as you are. I like the analogy of asking yourself a question ; if this person abuse my body, he penetrate me or whatever , did I stop being myself is a part of me missing, did he take a part of me and what part did he/ she take ? If it help someone.

[@laraoneal7284]

We cannot skip any step in our recovery process period otherwise we are not recovered or even near.

[@fw1110]

Recently I confronted (and cursed) my parents about my dad casually slapping my teenage sister’s behind. I got so much vitriol from my mother, that I had to kneel down and kowtow to them to apologize for being wrong and to appease them. My mother threw a tantrum and screamed and cried about how I ruined her holiday and how disrespectful I was.

[@dmackler58]

Sounds like my family...

[@sallyann985]

Mothers who side with the perpetrators don't deserve their status (and I say status because no other category on the planet is coddled and revered like mothers are, as much as they would like to convince you that the opposite is true).

[@rawdahhf]

Thank you for sharing that really useful 🙏🏾

[@annastone5624]

.. it’s ONLY the second perspective I ever hear! Am I alone in this? As a victim I still rarely get to open my mouth or discuss my experiences in anyway without the perpetrators getting more sympathy than I do! It’s unbelievable how much empathy seems to be out there for perpetrators. Everyone seems to be a victim nowadays, so actual victims of chronic abuse who had the strength of character to absorb it and never pass it on.. don’t get a look in. Sorry if that’s an angry rant. I totally love your channel. Just sharing my experience.

[@user-dr1td6nd5f]

I always say, youre a victim til youre not. If you do to others the CRIMES that happened to you, youre not a victim anymore. I hear at rape outreaches that survivors need to "detach and see that we all have feelings" I think our society is ran largely by xes offenders and thats why victins are gauranteed to be traumatized by the police, by victims services and by their own therapists.

[@annastone5624]

@@user-dr1td6nd5f Thanks for your reply. I like that cut-off. It's perfect! Once you become a perpetrator you have lost your right to even mention your own victimhood - unless you are in private in therapy and going through a process of making reparations to your your victims. . I think your explanation has a lot of truth in it. Society is basically run by perpetrators. On the enabler side it's possibly a little more of a mixed bag. Some enablers are basically lazy predators letting others do the dirty work, some just like the benefits and have no morality - but some enablers really do fear them and justifiably so and other enablers are trauma bonded to them and it's so deep in their childhoods they are powerless to break away. Only if the perpetrator turns on them in a life-death kind of way, will they see be forced to see the reality of what they are dealing with. Even then, so many people stay with abusers, because of this stupid stupid criminal emphasis on their being 'wounded too' "detach and see that we all have feelings" ??!!! Seriously omg I want to scream and never stop! This subject is so important I can't believe it doesn't get more attention.

[@bdmenne]

Daniel, please consider doing a video on low sexual self esteem/shame. I am repulsed by myself and loathe/fear intimate potential rejection from women I want to be attracted to. Life long pain and has only intensified and has/is caused/causing damage all around. Help!

[@samwallaceart288]

Bryan M - watch Tuca and Bertie. I’m not joking.

[@bdmenne]

@@samwallaceart288 I will have to get a Netflix subscription and see. Thanks for the genuine advice.

[@samwallaceart288]

Bryan M - sure thing. No promises it’s a manic silly show that’s all about female friendship, but it also has good character writing and deals with self-worth in a way that hit me harder than expected.

[@bdmenne]

@@samwallaceart288 you know, it seems like it's easier and socially more acceptable for females to openly address their insecurities/shame, but men, no. I noticed the characters were feminine and so I wonder how that will be good modeling for my "masculinity" problems. Being raised in a female world has not been good for manly instruction, imo. I know "equality" is preached, but I don't believe that is how nature operates. I don't relate to either confident: masculine men or attract very. feminine women. So lone wolfing it here.

[@samwallaceart288]

Bryan M - your call. As for me being a straight dude, one of the main characters could not be any more similar to myself. The show is marketed as a feminine empowerment romp, but really at the heart of it it’s just about letting go of past traumatic circumstance and having the bravery to move forward and bake stuff with a clear conscience. The feminine issues are there as a circumstance and something that the show celebrates, but it’s in a way that doesn’t seek to specifically attack men or anything and is surprisingly relatable to me; then again I was always more of a “feminine” type of guy. Just to be clear though, the show is not trying to be some authority on mental health; it’s a silly surreal sitcom about a couple of friends transitioning into their 30s; but its real about the fact that both of those friends have trauma in their past that needs to be dealt with that comes from a place of honesty from the writer in a way that I think most people that deal with such issues (especially those Daniel Mackler frequents) might appreciate. The majority of people might think the show is dumb but the show helped me in my specific situation.

[@Rfp601]

My latest relationship with a narcissist led me to realize I’ve been attracting and letting in people who are just like my father my entire life. Which led me to his routine sexual abuse of me as a young child. Feeling the emotions I numbed myself from back then is what I’ve been working at and it is working but when it’s bad it’s reallllly bad. I feel forgiveness is a really sad thing. Giving in to being broken and ineffectual. Letting them ruin your life. At least that’s how it is to “forgive” at the place I’m at right now. With some distance I may feel differently and I don’t support punitive justice

[@kh-nw8gq]

@Daniel How can one, who has developed both perspectives equally, effectively apply the 1st one to heal trauma? It seems being aware of the 2nd one would sabotage that.

[@thankyoujesus2836]

Maybe you can acknowledge both then, yes they may have trauma but it doesn’t make it ok anything they did and all your feelings are still valid. Trauma doesn’t give anyone the ‘privilege’ to harm others and for it to be ok.

[@kh-nw8gq]

Well in the end it's a question of free will I suppose. People guided by strong unconscious forces have less conscious power over their actions.

[@BlackCatedialogue]

He did mention for an abused to heal the abused must take first perspective. The second one is for society not for the victim

[@humanrightsatfirst9163]

k h "How can one, who has developed both perspectives..." 👌 Exactly ! 👍👍 I feel the same !

[@Johanna040713]

@@BlackCatedialogue The second perspective can be for the victim as well if he or she wants to.

[@matilda4406]

I'm on board with you. You said it well with appropriate tact.

[@moonmissy]

I got my perp arrested. No one who violates the psychological/sexual integrity of another person deserves forgiveness. They deserve to be locked up and get therapy there. Not everyone who got abused goes on to abuse others. That’s a choice they made and need to bear the consequences.

[@matilda4406]

Everyone can heal, given the right environment. I think the right environment is exposure. No more hiding. No more deviousness.

[@Grow-a-plant]

Thanks for the advice Dan, I hope you continue having better days

[@diap8017]

did Bush answer that question too ?

[@cynthiaallen9225]

Our laws shouldn't be based on our emotions, and for the most part they aren't. But very often, the sentences are.

[@cristinamagurean]

great video Daniel!

[@rightnow5839]

I agree with you. Society doesn’t think rehabilitation as much as punishment and revenge., witch IS understandable, but if we only treat the worst with the worst then there is little difference between the two.

[@DR-nh6oo]

My abuser was a victim of his parish priest as a child. Two wrongs do not make a right. I disagree strongly here. I cut my uncle out of my life but how am I supposed to have no compassion, at least for that little boy who had his happiness stolen like that, given I know what that feels like? I absolutely give no pass to his behaviour, I have spent my life hurting myself in trying to escape my pain and unwittingly hurt others, despite not perpetuating the abuse, but still I believe projecting hatred ultimately hurts us more than just about anything. If we take violent revenge we be come abusers.

[@Melissa0774]

You should do a video on different political ideologies and what psychological factors make people have them.

[@misssattva6042]

To me, this episode is very helpful!

[@chickyshack1978]

I find it very telling the way that question was positioned. Why involve the wife except to appeal to the patriarchal audience? Why not ask, if you were raped and murdered, would you want your attacker to face the death penalty?

[@xxllbb55]

Daniels TALKS are turning out to be the best form of THERAPY I have ever found ! .......... Leaves you with no more Questions !!! * REAL Human SHARING his experiences & knowledge & honesty , GOOD WORK ! Must be rewarding now !

[@happytrails699]

So angry that people actually do this to others. Esp. children

[@marionoschelmuller1718]

Actually there´s a third way of dealing with sexual perpetrators that is a lot more common than the second perspective you mentioned: Denying the victims truth and this way siding with the abuser which is the worst thing you could do for any person involved. I think it´s a lot more common than even blaming and hating the perpetrator. It´s kinda sad. Also I think you can´t just choose one of the perspectives mentioned in the video, because in order to support the perpetrator heal you have to side with them against the perpetrators they had, which is perspective A. And vice versa there are hardly any victims of any kind of abuse who have lived with it for longer than a year or so who haven´t themselves acted out or been abusive in some kind of way. So if you side with them, you also side with someone who is a perpetrator (of some degree and often times in different ways, doesn´t mean sexual abused people necessarily sexually abuse others, but maybe they would neglect their children for example, because they don´t feel well with intimacy or would have some sort of "arrogant" hurtful behavior to keep up a mask of "I´m fine and I´m good and the best", which would otherwise crumble into pieces and leave them scattered and devastated.). I´m not saying with this that either abused people or perpetrators are bad people. In fact, what´s most true is, that we´re all just people and failable and make terrible mistakes and deserve healing and if it is necessary to blame your abusers until you´ve healed and holding them accountable for what they did always then that is also important. But we´ve got to break the denial, we´ve got to speak up and care about SOMEONE. Even if all it is we have the power to do to just care about ourselves.

[@ghostofsilence2697]

a balance of both is needed, one to help the perpetrator grieve and let go of their traumas and one to show the perpetrator what they've done and who they've hurt. ive seen this process go down in many different scenarios not just sexual abuse. almost always if the perpetrator is stable enough, they can feel the full weight of guilt for what they've done. in some cases it can even be minutes after recognizing and grieving over their own traumas, but a process that quick can be dangerous to the perp, as immediately after they can become extremely reckless or suicidal in the name of welcoming their own punishment. its such a bizarre thing to see someone you want so badly to hate go through their complete unraveling. you cant forgive them for their crime nor can you forget it but at the same time you can still emphasize with them to some level and understand.

[@paddycraig]

Assuming that everyone whose been abused has abused someone else after a year is absolutely psychotic. Please stop playing doctor in the KZbin comments and seek help.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

I agree, it is vital for the person who experienced harm, to be allowed to take their own side first & foremost. Teaching people to rush to forgiveness is not the way to go. First the experience has to be processed, then the energy can shift, move & eventually leave the body. Healing can take place at that point. It is tragic that there is so much melodrama & shame that circulates around these topics of violence & sex abuse. The victim will try to hide & cover it up. < I know when I’m hurt & upset, the last thing I want to do is deal with public opinions, or outrage of friends & family directed towards the perpetrator but does nothing to help the victim. ~ I was systematically assaulted so often by authority figures, kids, total strangers, that it was natural to allow sexual exploitation as well, because I was not allowed to set up boundaries for myself. I was taught to let others show me where the boundaries are, in all situations. ( Follow the rules & be good ) ~ It is only recently that I come to understand how fragmented my identity is ~ due to my coping straggles of “ dissociating from my self “, so I could continue participating in society as a good girl, & people please. ~ My recovery is to discover who I am, and to reconnect my lost parts.. The healing occurs naturally as I reclaim every part of me, and say, “ you are welcome here, so glad to see you again .” In my opinion, the real damage came from me rejecting those parts of myself because at the time, I felt bad. So at a root level, I disconnected from that part of me. ( to reject the bad ) ~ The perp has actually nothing to do with my recovery or the lack there of. It’s all up to me. I need to forgive myself for letting those things happen to me. I was blaming myself for the troubles 😘💔💝😃💫🈴 Now I understand, my first loyalty is to ME. I am responsible for my wellness. I do not control the world outside me, but I sure can be well inside my self 🌝 How wonderful to realize that. ~ Thanks for a stimulating discussion !

[@Wormwoodification]

💛 Beautifully said.

[@MitchellLaFrance]

Beautifully said!!!

[@BlackCat-vf7th]

Absolutely agree with you. Although I'm talking from a perspective of someone who's never experienced sexual abuse. So when I talk to someone who has I'm fully on their side and tend not to talk about that other perspective when they say how they'd like the other person to suffer and as if they're just pure evil and nothing else.

[@shoshishararecordingsshosh1501]

Can someone without a conscience develop one by adulthood?

[@pastelpanda7309]

I wonder about the significance of a conscience, because whether something is "wrong" or "right" they happen, people do them, etcetera. Why is it wrong to hurt people? Is there something inherently "incorrect" about that? What is the "correct" alternative of that? Just because someone doesn't want to be harmed doesn't mean it is incorrect for me to harm them. Because it could benefit me in some way to cause that to happen. If my goal was to take care of someone than perhaps it would not be in my best interest to harm them. But if there is no significant benefit in me taking care of someone rather than harming them I don't see why their pain is my concern. I don't necessarily have to harm someone just because I don't care about their being harmed. Sometimes I think rather than a lack of care for people being harmed I think we care more about them being harmed, and less about taking care of their wellbeing. Right and wrong can be shifted. What is wrong becomes right and what is right becomes wrong. I think conscience has a lot to do with being conscious. And then being able to use that consciousness to its full capacity. Depending on the experience of what has been beneficial and detrimental to you in life, your perspective accommodates that. And that is way more important than whether something is "wrong" or "right." Because being alive depends on doing what is beneficial to your wellbeing. Shifting of this will be harder depending on how significant it has been to adopt a certain pattern. Basically, you won't need to experience what it's like being a fishermen, if you would dread fishing. "Conscience-less" people are just conscious of something else conscious humanity can't bear to be conscious to. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It just happens, and if there was no necessity or desire for it, it wouldn't exist. Someone who is "conscience-less" wouldn't have to gain a conscience, they'd just expand consciousness to be more present. Whether they want to do that depends on them but it would have to be in their best to do so. And realistically, it hasn't. :)

[@twiggychicky9549]

​@@pastelpanda7309 What is your reasoning for hurting other people? What benefit has hurting others over not doing so? If you are hurting others because you have been hurt and you can recognise that, get help.

[@pastelpanda7309]

@@twiggychicky9549 It depends on who. Let's go with children. The benefit is presence. In regards to being a child, I can only connect to children who live trauma. Trauma itself is alive and its wellbeing consists of needs that have not been taken care of, and continue not to be. Abusers, victims, Predators, etc., are born from this. Being trauma myself, I feel the urge to expand it further so I(as well as others) can be present(alive) and integrate it. I have yet to find an alternative to the good old fashioned approach of just straight up traumatization for this purpose. I mean, even then, people often run the opposite direction at full speed. So we gotta have A LOT of people spreading trauma out all over. :)

[@twiggychicky9549]

@@pastelpanda7309 I am absolutely confused, Panda... Why must you experience trauma in order to be 'present' (alive)? And why do you feel it's necessary to integrate trauma? (I pressume you mean to integrate trauma in to our lives?) How would THAT benefit YOU?

[@twiggychicky9549]

Pastel Panda - I am sorry that you have been hurt in the past and I am also sorry that you feel you need to spread trauma in order to feel whatever it is you feel when you traumatize. I hope one day you see that you don't need to think this way. I wish you all the best

[@patrickporco6972]

Even the Almighty does not forgive without repentance...it is required...it means a total change of heart and mind and behavior....

[@jrg305]

Just like with Cersei--naked walk with shame shame shame back to the red keep

[@yehmen29]

Thank you. 'Christian' (and 'Jewish' - I met one) therapists who insist that you should forgive and forget do a lot of harm, and no good at all. One reason for this is that they have never been abused themselves and lack empathy, so they are unable to put themselves in our shoes.

[@Keepedia99]

So what's the answer?

[@garimaheath]

Thank you 🙏

[@drivebypoet]

I feel like forgiveness is helpful, but I may be conceiving of something very different with the word, "forgiveness." Forgiveness is an abstract idea which people use, but don't really define explicitly.

[@Wormwoodification]

Forgiveness doesn't condone the wrong actions and doesn't mean you want to go get cuddly with the abuser once again. It's an inner journey, a thing the self needs to learn to let go of all that pain and heal. I think forgiveness can take as long as it takes, a lifetime even, but it can be done. If you force it it's not real. And it's really not about the other party at all.

[@jamesboswell9324]

Even if you have integrity, you can't possibly answer a question like that with any integrity. And that's why I hate this podium style of presidential debate, which has since crossed to Britain too unfortunately. It's mostly just gotcha journalism.

[@user-fb8ur5cf3m]

What ist with Healing Home and Dokumentation from Alternativen?

[@user-dr1td6nd5f]

To me its like horseradish. If you grew up in a family where you and your siblings were force fed radish and only one of the siblings grows up to force feed his child in the same way. Its not what happens to you that makes you who you are, its how you respond. Xes offenders deserve no sympathy for plenty of people have gone through the exact same or worse childhoods than them and they are not perpetrators.

[@lxMaDnEsSxl]

erm..... Prevention is better than any rehab and often at least most rehab fails. .......

[@ArtDesigns4Creations]

Interestingly, I came to find and learn that studies and the data suggests that in-laws are more likely to abuse the offspring that isn't biologically related to them. In Behave: The Biology of humans at our best and worst by Robert M Sapolsky. I admit that the book wasn't to bad it actually pretty decent and good. I read his other books like Determined: a science of life without free will. That one was rather thought provoking. I would admit that I didn't fully agree with everything he said which I think is relatively normal not to agree with what's being presented, but he made some points that were articulate, even profound and change the way I think in certain aspects but not completely. But was a rather interesting read.

[@lkb3rd]

Death penalty isn't a deterrent according to Dukakis eh? Dead people can continue a life of crime I guess. Since I'm here already commenting, I'll take the opportunity to thank you Daniel for your thoughtful series of videos. I have watched many and appreciate it.

[@lrrrruleroftheplanetomicro6881]

So is it better to kill people or try and heal them? What % of inmates suffer from ASPD? What are the recidivism rates in the US vs. say Germany or Sweden? Wanna fight trauma with more trauma? How's that gonna help?

[@Anthrax6989]

After graduating from school I waylay my bully with a hammer in my hand.... He got a brain trauma and has some memory problems now if I understand it correctly but I don't care as he didn't care about me. I feel completly liberated from the feelings which were destroying me.

[@ghostofsilence2697]

I would ask you what it turned you into in that moment, but from my own experience I am familiar with the answer, in that sense neither one of us is a saint. at least you hurt the one who hurt you directly instead of taking it out on anyone else uninvolved. there aren't many who narrow it that way

[@Rose_Ou]

I don't remember the names but I watched a document many years ago about psychologists who tried to work with pedophiles for many years in a prison hoping they would eventually "fix" them. They thought they were doing a pretty good job when a diary of one of the inmates was found. It turned out those pedophiles treated each session as a pleasant trip down memory lane where they relived the rapes again and again pretending to be sorry and even crying. The psychologists lost hope. A pedophile is a lost cause. They don't understand this is something terrible they desire and they WILL do it again and again. The only deterrent and possibly the only way to put stop on such behaviour would be to practice capital punishment every time without exception. If I had such tendencies I would rather be dead anyway. The problem is growing, soon it will be extremely risky to let a 13 year old go to a friend living two blocks away.

[@NJGuy1973]

In 1977, the US Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty for r*pe of an adult woman was cruel and unusual punishment, thus unconstitutional. In 2008, the ruling was superceded by a ruling that said the death penalty was unconstitutional for any crime where the victims did not die, regardless of age. That's the value this country places on sexual safety.

[@timdetmers3240]

Heal? I don't like that term. It negates the horrible suffering many people go through. Certain things are too traumatic to heal from. One simply has to learn how to go on and lead a healthy life (whatever that means!). At least to not replicate the abuse that one suffered.

[@kaylap.1191]

Violation and rape of a child should be a capital offense. No second chances.

[@Amerikan.kartali.turk.yilani.]

Congrats.

[@cholymelan7982]

I am a multiple rape victim. Here, you are out of touch with reality. Most rape incidents never go public because victims know that they will be ridiculed, blamed , silenced and blackmailed. Until society fully develops a justice system that protects and helps the victims, I do not want to hear about perpetrators psychological healing.

[@rdbare4216]

Did you let them con you? These people have moral choice!

[@yabe1496]

Therapists should be humble and adress properly when they can not help an abuser. I am convinced too that people can heal at some level and evaluate how risky is that level is a must to protect victims. We need to understand why, how and when abusers do harm to have social prevention strategies. Therapists that work with abusers are the first that can help to make those prevention strategies. These Therapists also need help to heal of all what they see and hear from abusers. Getting rid of the label "monster" we put on abusers, in order to detach from them and feel we are saved, means facing that abuse and horrible crimes are just part of the human behaviour.

[@magdalena.slavova]

Except for the psychopaths.

[@jenifferfernandez3986]

Thank you

[@thecure3982]

When hooked up to a lie detector machine it's found that abusers are lying about themselves being victims. These people are exploitative and will do anything to harm including use their victim's story. They manipulate psychiatric staff. this is slander against true victims. You got to know what they wanted you to *believe* sadly.

[@hillelglueck7352]

Dear Daniel, I admire your wisdom and enjoy your fantastic videos, yet I have this following comment to make on this particular video - an intellectual person does not become a “victim” in the first place (no matter what, an intellectual person will “survive” it all through), and to heal a non-intellectual person (one who is not intellectual by nature) with reason is rare.

[@ibrahimylmaz8378]

doctor, you know about ted bundy right? you know his last interview. you know that people can employ violence as a gratifier. violence isnt always the result of trauma. i agree with certain perspectives of your opinion. but still im certain that some crimes should be dealt with death penalty.

[@bobman929]

The main issue I have with this is the view that the sentence given is viewed as a deterrent. Going to jail or killed is a way to keep dangerous people out of the general population. Nothing more. Looking at it any other way only distorts the situation.

[@mariecc222]

That’s really the first time I disagree w him ! And to me I’m just such a heavy empath on such a deep level and even if I wanted to I couldn’t stick to the second mindset of empathizing w the abuser! Ppl don’t change or they really rarely do and we as a society can’t be expected to give them countless chances! There’s just too much at stake ! And tbh I don’t see the first mindset being applied that often either! I see a lot of victim blaming I see a lot shame for coming out and naming names ! I see a lot of scaring techniques to silence survivors ! They’re not believed they are ridiculed... they’re dragged through the mud and their stories are used by greedy fucking capitalist pig journalist to sensationalize and promote their dumb articles and magazines on it ! It’s almost like the capitalist industry found yet another sick way to make profit ...

[@ghostofsilence2697]

there are people who will change and people who wont. no two people are the same. ive seen people get help only to have their problems worsen so bad where they act on a newly found intent to kill, these are the ones who cant change not because they are unable to but because they are completely unwilling to. I have also seen people get help while being shown their own crimes. the guilt these people feel is enough to shatter their old persona and put them in an unstable state where they welcome even the most extreme of punishments, and if none is delivered to them, they will end up torturing and killing themselves to satisfy that psychological need for punishment. I have also seen people who take years to heal and recover in isolation and completely alter their mindset to become functioning members of society while being completely against any actions they used to impose on others. there is no one size fits all method to go about this unfortunately. when you really think about it the world is not as black and white as it seems. to the victims of these crimes, they have a right to be angry, they have a right to be hateful and sad and terrified and broken. but they also have the right to hold the perpetrator accountable for his/her actions. if anything, that anger, fear, sadness, etc. should be focused on the person who committed the crime and not imposed on other people who had no involvement. otherwise the cycle will only continue and more innocent people will get hurt.

[@mahlononthemoon2728]

Nope. The facts are facts there's two victims.

[@morticia3032]

That perpetrators are acting out the same abuse they suffered first. So this goes waaaaay back (To put an example: when I was a toddler I didn’t play with other children. I hit them. Guess where I did learn that from? My father did it to me and then I did the same to the other children. But my parents blamed me and said I was a bad child, always misbehaving... And the same happened to my father. Until I started school I didn’t know better.) That being said, when you reach a certain age you have to start taking responsibility for your actions. The excuses don’t work anymore. Everybody is able to change if they are willing to. But that just can happen if they stop being in denial and recognise they have a problem. There is no other way around. I recommend reading “Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child” by the author John Bradshaw. After reading that book years ago I started to see how badly growing up in a very dysfunctional family had affected me and then is when I started to change, and my life started to improve. I was so full of rage and fear dominated so much my life that I was blind to anything else. Now I am aware of both sides of the coin. And not quick to judge like beforehand. Everybody deserves love and support. You are not born a psychopath, a murderer, a rapist... The experiences you have had in life have shaped who you are now. Specially your childhood. There are not evil people out there (difficult to believe sometimes, I know) just wounded inner children that need healing. That’s all... Love and light ♥️✨🍀 P.S. English is not my native language. I hope it is clear enough what I wanted to say...

[@tdw64]

Morticia Thank you for sharing your heartfelt and insightful message. I am glad you are a beautiful soul now. Let’s keep on healing and growing!

[@risfirttuep2311]

@@morticia3032 Even if everybody deserves love and support, what's the victim got to do with it? Do you think that telling victims these words will make things better? It won't.

[@hs6404]