Do avoidants regret breaking up?

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[@norswil8763]

Our relationship was special, she told me all the time during it and even as she broke up with me. Her reasons for breaking up were “I can’t be in a relationship, I need to find myself again.” For months she stays away, when we meet I can see she still has attraction and loves me. We meet for drinks last week and I told her I still want and love her, she said she can’t see us getting back together, and is happy being single… but still loves me. A week later she messages me to say she’s been dating someone, saying it’s not a relationship and only casual. And once again she rips my heart out, I can’t hold anymore hope. She’s happy to causally hook up and mess around, abandoning a good relationship she cared about.

[@Greg.J.]

oh boy. what my experience thought me is that yeah... they will always "love" you and cherish the moments they had. but they don't want you to be in love with them. they don't want to "carry" that responsibility. they want someone who they can deeply admire and follow them. someone who they will always feel safe and secure around. someone with a much higher value then what they are able to get in the dating pool. she believes she deserves someone more high value to say it cruel. someone who leads and who she can follow. you gave her to much respect by expressing your emotions. she knows you will always be waiting for her whenever she feels like coming back again (that isn't a high value man) don't keep waiting. she has no respect for someone that waits. it gives her the illusion she can do better then what you are offering

[@norswil8763]

@@Greg.J. not entirely correct, we dated for 3 years and saying “I love you” isn’t a measure on value at this stage, we expressed our love openly all those years. She knows that I’m not just going to take her back, I haven’t even once begged for her or asked her to reconsider, I accepted and walked. This is ALL about her failing to manage her avoidant issues, her fears. I am a high value man that see was proud to be with and will even say that now. As per classic avoidant behaviour, I know she’s suffering, she said I wad the one but she can’t handle the commitment and communication required to make a relationship work. A rebound is the only way for her to mask the pain and further reinforce that she has an issue. I’m not waiting, but I will take the time to process and heal. She is still an incredible woman who I hoped would manage her trauma wounds, alas.

[@edithamaliaioo2228]

​@@norswil8763: all respect to you, I consider that is better to be honest and work on your issues than play games and hide the love you carry, even if it is hard to deal with. You working on yourself and accept her response is something to respect! I am in the same position, declared my love to my expartner, he being DA and I am AP leaning secure, I don't chase and being very supportive, when we were close and intimate he end it because "sex is ruining friendship", he wanted to stay friends, I accepted after 2 weeks of no contact, could not detach completely, I am still suportive and he is respectful, I am working on detaching and have moments when I feel to run away myself, life is not fair but is beautiful and I am grateful to have met him.

[@therealkeinemoniker]

I wasnt disrespectful but i did say some mean things in anger. she hurt me pretty bad and it hink she knows that so ...i think it'll happen.

[@fionahills8687]

Hi Alexis, Thank you for this new video it was very interesting. My ex blocked me suddenly 8 months ago and I’ve no idea why. Since then he’s unblocked me a few times and I’ve sent a few texts saying u hope he’s ok and that I’m here for him if he needs to reach out. I’ve heard nothing back and in April this year he blocked me again and hasn’t unblocked me since. I’m definitely the anxious one but I’ve worked hard the past 8 months to build my confidence and read loads of information on attachments. He’s definitely a fearful avoidant and has been hurt a lot. He’s very special and I care about him a huge amount. He was clearly very scared about the feelings he was developing for me hence why he pulled away but I never had any explanation. I miss him every day and would do anything to have him back. I would so appreciate your advice as to what I can do whether I should do a course or have 1:1 therapy/ counselling. I’m already seeing a therapist but that’s for other things along with confidence. I’ve no doubt you’re very busy but if you get the chance to drop me a line I would be so grateful as everything you say makes so much sense.I hope to hear from you. Fiona

[@neil5872]

I’m not at all convinced about the paradigms but I think AF provides good content on inter and intra personal dynamics about relationships but also especially about severing from a therapeutic perspective

[@neil5872]

Interesting take, a break up is like quitting a job that you are tired of, that really is a relief indeed, good analogy.