Do Mothers with Borderline Cause Borderline in Their Children?

This video answers the question: Can a mother with borderline personality disorder cause borderline personality disorder to manifest in a child. What this question is really asking is: Do we see such a thing as a transgenerational transmission of borderline personality disorder?
We see that there's a genetic contribution that we need to understand before getting to the environmental contribution. We know that the heritability is about 40 - 60%, so around half on average so. That's a lot of variance that's explained and of course we really can't do anything about the genetic side, we can only really focus on the environmental side in terms of treatment.
Some basic information about BPD: Borderline personality disorder is a cluster B personality disorder, so it's in the same cluster as antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders. The prevalence of borderline personality disorder in the general population is about 1% and there are a lot of studies with a lot of different prevalence figures, but overall it seems like 1% is reasonable in terms of a guess. In terms of gender prevalence, here we're not really sure. There are research studies that indicate that the prevalence is about equal between the genders, so roughly the same number of men are affected as women, but most studies indicate that more females would have borderline personality disorder. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), we see nine symptom criteria for borderline personality disorder and five have to be met for a diagnosis. The symptom criteria include frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable relationships, identity disturbance, impulsivity in two areas that are potentially self-damaging, suicidal behavior, affective instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate or intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, and paranoid ideation or dissociation. It's estimated that about 10% of individuals with borderline personality disorder will complete suicide and about 60 to 80% of individuals with this disorder will have non-suicidal self-injury at some point in their life.
Stepp, S. D., Whalen, D. J., Pilkonis, P. A., Hipwell, A. E., & Levine, M. D. (2011). Children of mothers with borderline personality disorder: identifying parenting behaviors as potential targets for intervention. Personality disorders, 3(1), 76-91.

[@snowstormonsat]

My mothers behavior was repulsive and I always wanted to behave opposite of her. However, when I was teenager, I did display some of the behavior but grew out of it as I matured. I have worked on it with therapy, friends, reading, etc and I'm very aware. My mother cannot look at her behavior and if you bring it up to her she will hang up the phone. She is very unwilling to change or get help. I have very healthy parenting style now that I'm a mother, but I'm also an older mother and would never act like my mother did. Ever ever ever. It was horrific.

[@darkamethyssst4723]

Thats interesting.. my mum gives exactly the same responses when i bring up her behavior.. hangs up.. thats until she just blocked my number completely.. i feel that shes scared to address anything real i have to say regarding my BPD as i feel it will force her to evaluate her self and her past decisions and how they effected me.. shes told me once, very vaguely, that she suffered a lot of trauma when she was young and throughout her life.. iv let go of the resentment i felt towards her but sometimes i do really miss her.. thankfully now iv accepted that shes ill and im trying to piece together what i have left of myself for my own future which is easier said than done yet i got no choice but to try otherwise i only got myself to blame.. these videos really do help make sense along with DBT therapy.. salute to you for being a good mother..

[@ralfwashington1502]

My mom would usually bring up a dumb argument with my dad then when my dad tried to talk logically about why she was wrong she would run to her bedroom and lock the door. Oh yeah now after a few decades of marriage they are divorced.

[@lysawoolley2113]

Yes, I relate with your experience. My mother once told me I was such a patient mother, I said we can only hope we are better than our parents and that our children are better than us. It isn't meant as a insult to a parent, simply I want my child to be better than me so I try to teach them to be even better people than those before them.

[@itsaasdzani1455]

@@darkamethyssst4723 I feel that. Same with my mother and grandmother, her mother. I want to get an official diagnosis so I can discuss with my mother because it could help her and she could be willing to deal with her relationship with her mother. My mom told me her mom, my grandmother, would tell her that she would tell her she would leave her and would keep her from school as a child. And then when I was younger .y mom would get mad at my dad and cry and I would console her and she told me the same thing, that I would leave her and that she would die alone, I had to keep her from hitting herself when she would fight with my dad. I felt horrible that she felt this way and wanted so badly to help her. Now I'm older I find myself doing the same things with my husband and it worries the shit out of me that's why I want to do it all different and have healthy relationships with my husband and son. I believe I can break this curse and live healthy and successfully with this thorn and teach my children that they are not a diagnosis and they dont have live like this. I pray my pain will he their freedom. And maybe for my mother too.

[@wanketta]

my experiences were very similar to yours, I used to pray i would not be like my abusive erratic narcissistic mother, and worked hard to be a reliable, loving mother. my mother died in 2011 at 84, and you still couldn't talk to her about incidents of her past behavior. She did apologize to me for the neglect and abuse 25 years earlier, tho. No discussion, just an "I want to say I'm sorry for some things I may have done when you were a child".

[@KarolineSvang]

The role reversal definitely hit home for me. My mom has always leaned on me for emotional support, ironic cuz she could never give me that. But I never questioned it as a child. But growing up, I see that I take a lot of responsibility for others and people please. It is a vicious cycle and I am going to therapy now 🙏🏼

[@YouKilledFritz]

Deeply relatable.

[@magdalena4683]

Thank you for acknowledging the repulsion of the mother's BPD traits and behaviors at the end of your video. While growing up, I was turned off by my mother's mirroring of other people, people pleasing, lack of self, back and forth devaluing and idealization, unstable relationships, lack of respect for boundaries, episodes of rage, and lack of taking personal responsibility for her emotions and actions. Growing up, I knew that I was a hostage in her chaotic world. I'm thankful for being able to see and recognize her maladaptive thought patterns and overcome the abuses and manipulations. I was lucky that I awoke from the family trance early on. It's a sad realization, but my worst fear growing up was living a life like my mother. As far as her parents, I would label her father as distant and her mother as having possible malignant narcissism. My grandmother also told me she suffered from postpartum depression with my mother's birth. Her mother's love was absolutely conditional. Due to growing up with a mother with BPD, I'm highly interested in learning about impulsivity because I think this trait is a hallmark to the disorder. My mother was so unsure of herself, her thoughts, image, emotions, and insight, that everything, and I mean everything was acted on impulsively. Unfortunately, I don't feel my mother would have understood attachment theory from a hands-on approach. For her, child-rearing was a burden and she had zero interest in connecting to her children emotionally because I think she couldn't even have a healthy emotional relationship with herself. There's no doubt in my mind that these disorders are passed generationally.

[@kellkoch2204]

I think that it is passed on generationally is a big big big part of it too. thanks for sharing

[@andreasleonlandgren3092]

I def took the role of comforting my mom. Def a sign of fear of abandonment thx for making me realize this.

[@naelyneurkopfen9741]

@Frank Rauen no, you didn't win...

[@GoGo-qo2eq]

Same

[@nmohs13]

My mom has trained me to act in the opposite ways she ever did. Like you mentioned at the end of the video.

[@kacibeaver4540]

I taught my children the opposite as well so they wouldn't be like me...

[@patrickhanson712]

Im an adult child, and grandchild, of an alcoholic, and they were quite borderline. And yes, we try to be, prove we are, the exact opposite. But I also turned out to be a severe alcoholic with borderline. Circumstance and treatment have me in a position to break this cycle.

[@GMarieBehindTheMask]

Nicole Mohs makes no sense really how does that make any logical sense??

[@m0L3ify]

Yes, I learned to act the opposite way, too, especially with finances. My mother was an impulsive spender who was always overdrawing the accounts and racking up credit card debt. It made for tough times growing up when we'd suddenly be on the brink without warning. It caused me a lot of stress as a child. As an adult I have zero credit cards and go to great lengths to track every single penny that comes in and goes out. I'm overly anal about it but it makes my life SO much better knowing I have absolute control over my finances!

[@suzstjohn_Z]

My momster will just sit there and say nothing. If you call out her silence she will fake tears until enough guilt has been created to move on or she can leave. She resolves nothing.

[@cherylrock3612]

I believe I could have been diagnosed with BPD when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. I seem to model many of my mother’s behaviors which were quite severe, erratic and extremely upsetting to me when I was growing up. My father was extremely overtly narcissistic too. My childhood was extremely chaotic, confusing and hurtful. I don’t understand why I exhibit many of the same behaviors as my mother as they repulsed me so much as a kid. I’ve only begun in the last year, for the most part, to recognize my deepest, darkest, unhealthy, and unbecoming behaviors. They are so hard to change for me. I know it takes time but it’s a part of myself I dislike so much and I feel I have a block when it comes to working on changing. My coping mechanisms are not doing me any favors either! I’m stuck and stressed!

[@bkdileep]

How are you coping

[@ryandz1658]

Hopefully your avoiding intimate relationships or in treatment

[@digitaljoew]

Cheryl Rock could be Complex PTSD from some long lasting childhood trauma/tough situations growing up... hope all is well

[@dirtysanchez941]

Hug's. The fact that you are acceptable, honest with yourself about the character defects you've picked up from your mother, and you are willing to fix it, says you are going to be okay. You care and you're a good person.

[@joincoffee9383]

No offense, but please donot have any children before you FULLY heal yourself. My mom is like that, it brought so much pain to everyone of us kids.

[@JustineBrownsBookshelf]

I found this really helpful. My mother displayed most of the symptoms you describe, and the context of 1970s bohemian experimentalism. The result was a string of failed relationships, moving around, and attendant instability for me. But I vowed to avoid those behaviours. It wasn’t always easy to find the right alternatives, but my life ultimately became stable.

[@malachi_k0nstant668]

My mom has BPD and was an abusive narcissist for most of my life. My absolute worst fear is to be like her in anyway. I'm hypervigilant to avoid it including by using therapy and doing my own research. Thanks for making this video.

[@robbytheartist3997]

My ex wife has it and co morbid NPD. My marriage didn't stand a chance.

[@swiftjeff]

Well this brought back a lot of childhood memories.

[@lysawoolley2113]

Agree

[@mikemann8795]

wow I'm reading the comments and im seeing a lot of repeats of my childhood. this can't be a coincidence.

[@patrickhanson712]

Yep same here.

[@mursaleenshah7856]

My mother has done this to us when we were kids. Threaten us that she will kill herself. Shouting us her that we are just as pathetic as my fathers relatives as we share same bloodline. I used to be afraid being happy around her .. Whenever she would see us having fun, she would not like it. I remember so many times when I was happy she would envy me and curse me. I grew up as very insecure person with very low self esteem. Got used by people who me tiny bit of affection and made me feel a bit unnderstood.. My mother sure did love us. Infact she would cuddle us and never let us do anything on our own. But yeah in return we had to listen to her rants and abuse.. How Wrong my fathers relatives did to her. And how we gonna abandon her etc.

[@alexacalrow]

the way i can relate to this comment so hard. i’m so sorry

[@claudine98052]

This looks more to me like NPD not BPD.

[@CB-hi7mf]

Omg. Same! Whenever we'd have fun, SHE got mad. Whenever I'm happy or do well, she'll bash whatever it is. I bought an industrial sewing machine for my business. Omfg. What a shit show that was. She always tells me she HATED sewing, blah blah blah. Makes me feel put down. What makes ME happy she'll bash. She's truly a miserable person.

[@TheBakingGirlShow]

@@CB-hi7mf block her. They dont deserve to have kids

[@redredkroovy]

@@alexacalrow same here y'all. Cyber hugs!

[@JerseyKac92]

I've seen that with my mom and had to grow up quick as the voice of reason as a child.

[@MelolonthaMelon]

Same bro, now I can’t believe stuff that ain’t scientifically proven.. sounds funny but it hurts a lot cuz u can’t proove youre own feelings. I hope u stay healthy

[@skyofthelivingdead]

Yep

[@suzstjohn_Z]

My biggest fear was becoming my mother. After I became a mother my biggest fear was my daughter or son becoming my mother. When I became a mother, I did the exact opposite of my mother and combined that with the positive things I witnessed from my dad, grandparents, other people in my life. As my children aged I talked to them about what I suffered and explained I had to learn positive behaviors as I went and to please tell me or another person if I was failing. Especially to tell if I was failing and refusing to correct myself. My kids are 19 and 14 and I feel I did much better than I expected but it certainly would have been better had I been given a better mother to model. Thanks for these videos.

[@cherylstokes636]

The biggest parenting mistake I made was trying to be the exact opposite type person to my mom. That, too, is out of balance. I should have focused on being authentically ME, and maybe my children, my spouse and I would have suffered less?

[@bbilgers8686]

It's hard to be authentically you when it just isn't modeled in a family or in society! It is an ideal. But it feels great when you can be authentically you! Most people never come close.

[@eBellykinz]

Same same same. Yes, trying to be the exact opposite of her every waking moment is so so tiring because it’s inauthentic! and can be damaging in it’s own way because it’s the other extreme. It’s so hard to figure out what feels authentic but so important to do.

[@TheoriginalRainy]

Same girl same

[@user-zh3wr6yp4l]

My mother is diagnosed with BPD and she was terribly abusive. Both my sister and I have cluster b personality disorders (my sister has BPD and I have NPD/ASPD), I believe it’s a cycle.

[@patrickhanson712]

It is.

[@Loriburnett]

Well this explains my life choices and personality problems. My mom and daughter too. We are diagnosed. My son is on the high end of the spectrum (autistic) and probably has bpd too.he got the worst of me. 8 years older than my daughter. He is extremely angry at my past and some present choices and behaviors. I see more now looking back. Im 52 and have calmed down. I was actively drinking a lot when he was younger. I quit when he was 8 but the damage is done. I did try to not be anything like my mother but didn’t do enough. My kids have recently expressed how I negatively affected them and the anger is understandable and not good at all. We are all not well. My mother and her two sisters have big time behavioral issues also. My family has many alcoholics also. Ya it’s passed down. I wish I knew then. My kids are highly aware and don’t want to have children for this reason. I don’t want grandkids at all. I can’t bare to see anymore suffering.

[@lucashack5318]

Plot twist: Everyone is screwed up.

[@itsaasdzani1455]

@Rachel Tucker I think they mean everyone has an issue they have to deal with that Carrie's between gens

[@ashleyk9328]

Rachel Tucker what about the struggle for the people who have to live with them.

[@vanessasouthern1792]

🤪

[@ashleyk9328]

Yes according to Dr Grande here everyone is except him. He analyzes everyone’s personality regardless of the circumstances they’re in. That is savage!!!!!!

[@dedclownsRfunny]

@@ashleyk9328 what makes you say that?

[@realhealing7802]

Excellent information! I seen these traits in my mother and vowed to myself that I would never be like her.

[@chaserchaserspeedracer]

1 :4 folks. I work in mental health at a state hospital. And the stats are 1:4 of everyone will deal with mental health at some point in their lives. Some.....way way worse than others. Accountability, self awareness, life goals, passion is what we must have to change for the best. God bless.

[@rhonda23456]

Thank you so much for your clear and well-thought out videos. I chose to end a long relationship with someone I believe to have BPD traits and have spent a lot of time trying to understand the behaviors involved. Your videos are helping tie together some conceptual loose ends and are helping me make more peace with the decision to leave. I also take some comfort in the fact that I was at least able to get him to someone who seemed like a good fit as a therapist, and I hope he's still in therapy. Not a bad person, has many good qualities, but is clearly suffering and inflicting that suffering on others. Thank you again. :-)

[@DrGrande]

You are quite welcome!

[@Cheyenneguarapuava]

My mom’s bpd and dad’s npd. Lucky me!

[@NH-hp2nn]

Jess same - do you think it’s possible for us to NOT turn out like them?

[@christinahite74]

Your not alone

[@JadoreFabulosity89]

I’m so sorry! That’s so tough. Praying your peace in your home and for you to be strong!

[@ElishaRAbbott]

Same!

[@user-eo9to7wd2t]

Same! And I feel live I’ve developed traits of both😭

[@engleharddinglefester4285]

I was sitting in a psychologist's office 42 years ago thinking to myself, "My mother should be paying for this." You can give mothers all the therapy you want and you won't be able to override the insecurities that are now built into the society we live in. They are still going to be so stressed the stress will be communicated regardless.

[@DHW256]

When I was a teen, I was my mother's favorite target. She made of point of denigrating me to my father, and creating conflicts between us kids so that I would lose my temper and get in even more trouble. Eventually, she insisted that I see a psychologist for my temper and various other problems. After a few weeks, the counselor excused me from a session and engaged my parents privately. That was the last time I saw a psychologist, because the counselor advised my parents that they were they ones who needed counseling. My mother had a it made, and she blew it.

[@kr3642]

Alright, well, my mom had bpd and she wasnt around a lot of my life. I saw her every now and again and most summers after I was about six. No matter what she did to me I loved her so much and kept coming back. I only realized that she had a problem and that it wasnt me being bad when I was around 13. That's when my empathy and protection of her kicked in. I feel like I have a unique perspective on this. I want to do an interview with someone about it as I think it would be very helpful. I do not have a personality disorder ( been tested and everything 🤪 ) but I do have PTSD... she ended up accidentally completing suicide because the table broke beneath her. Very classic tragedy.

[@amarub90rubino43]

You and Sam v are the only people that really just understand this disorder. Sams video - the codependent borderline and the punitive parent - will really help daughters of borderline mothers ! Also I wanted to agree with you and say that the core identity aspect of borderline is really the issue that needs to be fixed first. I agree that the devaluation cycles are what truely make a person question who they are and if they are of any value! Once I got that down most symptoms disappeared and some new ones came to the surface which brings me to your second point that they symptoms of bpd actually cause other symptom criteria. It’s like a domino affect ! And you made a huge point when you did the parent child reversal. I’m almost 30 and my BPD mom abused my 13 year old sister and threw her out and I went to check up on my MOTHER! Craziest thing.

[@guyfromthe80s92]

Dr.Grande. A controversial topic to be sure, but can you make a video about rational but depressed people that are tilting towards suicide? I think that suicide has a lot of stigma attached to it, and that most people picture people committing suicide as sad people standing on a bridge shouting "farewell horrible world" instead of it being people that has reached the logical conclusion that life is simply not worth living anymore.

[@crystalalien4972]

I’ve had attempts in both of those categories. When it was attempted from emotion it tended to be very impulsive, but my more “logical” ones were much more thought-out and even numb.

[@jaimiteter1085]

I’m sure you’ve heard this but the reason is simply to love God and let Him love you back 💕 I love you. And I’ve wanted to kill myself. But I can’t. Hell would be inevitable if I did. Life is hard. But our reward at the end is Heaven. Hold on. You’ll be ok.

[@ForzaTerra89]

I feel like this now. Ironically as a result of breaking up with someone with BPD.

[@dedclownsRfunny]

@@jaimiteter1085 please do not say that. Be careful even saying it to devoted Christians. Religion is a FAITH and faith has very little place in biochemical changes and environmental traumas.

[@MamaMia-xn1op]

@@dedclownsRfunny No, faith gives people with SMD hope. Giving people hope is one very basic fundamental dynamic in their lives. But, in mental health therapists only use spiritual faith with people that have included that aspect in their treatment plan. How would suicide ever be a logical choice? Outside of extreme cases.

[@kayfacciolo6992]

I am number 6 of 7 children and I never escaped and was the caretaker. My eldest brother has BPD. We have OCD anxiety depression in all.

[@Marty_S89]

Role reversal, the devaluation and idealization cycle and the invalidation of feelings were so hard for me...I had to suppress all the anger and sadness because other's needed me to be strong and other family member had all the attention (my mother and brother especially)...now I am working on it with a therapist and I am getting closure but it took me years to realize that my childhood and adolescence were traumatic..I believe that was the most difficult thing for me and for many kids of BPD parents. I was not sexually of phisically abused but I was at an emotional level and this is so hard to prove to yourself

[@jessmarie12901]

with years of therapy and hatred im making it my lifes purpose to never be like my mother and try to give my daughter a healthy childhood

[@m0L3ify]

The modelling theory is interesting because I know from experience that it can lead to Borderline features being expressed by people who do not have the disorder. My mother had BPD and I managed to model a lot of the features of BPD in my first long-term relationship in college. Fear of abandonment, suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, etc. But it didn't stick. I only did it for that first relationship and never did it again as I gained more experience with romantic relationships, because it wasn't me. So, that ex thinks I'm completely out of my mind, and yes, in the moment I guess I was, but I was only modelling my mother's behavior, likely because I thought that's how one behaves in a relationship. When I look back on it, it felt like I was wearing someone else's mask. I didn't feel like me at all. My experience wasn't the same as my sister, who does have BPD, where her behavior has been constant throughout her life regardless of the situation. (And if you're feeling sorry for my ex, don't. He was very abusive and raped me. He and my mom were making my life miserable. I don't blame myself at all for acting out. I was going through a lot back then.)

[@PhoenixtheII]

Well, I have totally 0 clue what I healthy relationship looks like because I've never been shown one, being 34.. Been bullied and phyisically beat up so much, so I coiuldn't have close friendships either in young childhood. It's safe to say. I will not have children, because. This generational fuckup of a family from both sides. Ends. The cycle ends with me. I wouldn't know how to raise a child, and when things hit the shitfan... Be able to respond with a healthy response that's in the best interest of the child. Heck, I have troubles with even physical touch from, seemingly "closer" people... It takes a reallllyyy long time to be comfortable around that.

[@patrickhanson712]

Not quite that bad here, but damn close. I dont do touch, I dont do family, I dont trust peroid. Working on it in therapy.

[@ralfwashington1502]

Glad you bring that up! I hate being hugged by my bpd mother. I never minded from my grandma or dad but yeah. Even from friends hugs are weird and unnatural.

[@nl-ho4wm]

If it help, you can google the signs of a healthy relationship, or whatch it on youtube, in my case this has helped me

[@PhoenixtheII]

@@nl-ho4wm that, only made it worse... one article saying X, the other saying Y... contradicting one another. Some are downright (and clearly) toxic even. I now know even less, not your fault though (tried this years ago...).

[@nl-ho4wm]

@@PhoenixtheII wow really? sorry, in my case i compare the articles to each other, and write down the things they agreed on, and comparing youtube videos too. i started with the most obvious things that my brain could imagine of a healthy relationship, example: "no physical abuse"

[@donnaharris8722]

When I was 5 my mother whipped me and would not tell me why. I tattled on her to my father. She could not tell him why either. I decided then she was crazy. My sister never believed it. My sister has had a very volatile life, including failed marriages, unable to hold a job, and poor or nonexistent relationships with her children. I was married for 35 years until his death, just retired after 43 years as a registered nurse, and just spent a week at the beach with my two 30 something sons. My sister was the only one who cried at our mothers funeral. This mirrors so much of what Dr Grande said in this video.

[@kungfujoe2136]

i think it's narc parents make borderline kids

[@logang1470]

I have a narc father and a bpd mother. You can probably guess how that turned out.

[@kungfujoe2136]

@@logang1470 fireworks?

[@logang1470]

@@kungfujoe2136 pretty much!

[@JA-eq5um]

@@logang1470 how did you turn out

[@nancyayers6355]

kungfujoe my oldest daughter meets all nine, I believe, criteria for bpd. Her brother and two younger sisters do not. Their father meets all the criteria for npd. And both disorders, I've learned, are in "cluster. B, right? So I know all too well how these cluster. B personalities make their way in the world, unfortunately. Both the father and the daughter are severely ill and it has traumatized me, my other children, as well as her two sons (who do not have bpd.) Her younger son died from a massive heart attack at fifteen. The oldest boy is currently in prison, and started getting in all kinds of mischief from age twelve on, starting with stealing money from a relative, then skipping school and minor shoplifting, then more serious stealing, etc.. I once found a book written by a psychiatrist on the subject of a bpd in the mother and how her illness would affect her son's vs. how it would affect her daughter's. According to this book, sons of a borderline mother always always end up in prison, and her daughters inevitably have the disorder themselves. The author was absolutely positive that this would inevitably be the case in every instance. I held out hope for several years that my two grandsons would somehow be the exceptions to the rule. One grandson, as I mentioned, did pass away at fifteen. But just before he died, I was told that he had tried to go through his lunch line at school without paying for the food, and had gotten caught doing it. So, although we'll never know if he would have gotten into more and more trouble as time passed, I tend to believe that he probably would have. And of course that's just what happened with his older brother. Neither of these boys were borderlines themselves, but behaved exactly the way my book predicted. And I figured if the same prediction the book made would have held true regarding a granddaughter, then it was a blessing that my daughter only had the two sons! I have seen borderline personality disorder up close, and believe me, it is a horror story. It totally ruins the person who has it, but it also traumatizes everyone who comes in contact with the sufferer. It's ironic to me that her father, who has npd, doesn't want any kind of communication with her because, sick as he is himself, he hates to be in her presence...

[@qiuwbr091]

I feel bless-ed that Dr. Grande brought forward this subject matter. One person I observed was separated from her mother during a Mississippi flood- her mother was on one boat, and she on another- but they could see each other almost drowning. It caused abandonment issues with the daughter. The mother immediately recovered, but the baby daughter had severe abandonment issues concerning the mother. Thankfully the daughter’s husband didn’t mind when she grew up and married.

[@jennifers3828]

I wonder if this is where it originates, a traumatic event and then there is generational trauma as a result

[@m0L3ify]

Children of Borderline mothers can still have the feelings of emptiness and identity disturbance without having BPD, itself. In my case, the identity disturbance was because I was never allowed to develop my own identity. My BPD mother projected herself onto me and wouldn't let me pick out my own clothes, choose my own hairstyle, choose my own toys, choose after school activities or hobbies, choose what musical instruments I learned. Everything had to be what she liked. Everything in my life had to be sanctioned by my mother or I'd pay the price. It was like she was using me as a second chance to grow up or something. So my whole life, I hated my life, I hated how I looked, I hated myself, and I thought that was because there was something wrong with me. There wasn't. She'd go out of her way to deny me things I wanted and replace them with things that she wanted. When she finally let me cut my hair for the first time when I was 8 after I begged and begged, she told them to cut it VERY short and I had to live like a boy for 3 tortuous years. She even stole a toy store gift certificate I won from a talent contest, making me buy the toy she wanted and telling me what I wanted was wrong. Often she'd make my toys disappear when I was at school or asleep to 'clean up', giving me a sense that I didn't own my things. She'd abuse me horribly whenever I tried to assert myself and be an individual, **especially** when I was a toddler. It split my personality in two, which made my identity disturbance even worse. She'd be overly loving one moment and then deny my basic needs the next in favor of her own activities. So I never got a clear sense of who I was or what I wanted because she was trying to live vicariously through me. She always made my choices wrong. There was always a massive price to pay for trying to be myself. I was supposed to be her, and I'm still struggling to shed that even now, in my 40's. I think I'm finally making progress, though. Especially since she recently passed away. There's no one left to tell me what to do. I'm finally free!

[@dasein9980]

So fucked up. I cannot imagine undergoing such severe manipulation of identity as a child.

[@gypsywoman9140]

That is so sad! I'm sorry you went through that, and I'm sorry your mother likely didn't get to enjoy her own childhood and ended up screwing yours up. I'm a striving minimalist and saw an episode of this british show, Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners (they team up ocd types with hoarder types to get the hoarders in order) and one hoarder type explained that she never got to keep her toys as a child, nothing ever felt like hers, so once she got out on her own she never wanted to get rid of anything. That really hit me, as my then-3 year old was already noticing "Where did my (insert item she hadn't touched in months so I donated it) go?" I didn't think she would notice, and I don't want to create a hoarder. So now I feel like I am drowning in toys and the living room is more of a play room. Its quite difficult in a small apartment where minimalism would truly be ideal. But I think of that hoarder woman, and now I'll be thinking of you as well when I get the urge to purge the toy clutter.

[@m0L3ify]

@B. Corbitt Hugs. I hope you find some healing.

[@b52270]

My husband had/has all these bpd behaviors you describe in your video, and now my young adult son is the same as him. In addition they both have narc traits. It's tragic to witness. I was the codependent empath always trying to fix and save everyone. Now I'm just burnt out emotionally. I grieve for my son though.

[@NH-hp2nn]

theway I’m an empath too, so does that mean I did not turn out BPD like my mom? I hope so

[@spencerc5822]

Thanks for this... as a son of someone with BPD I resonated with the transmission and repulsion parts of your video both in a sense. On some factors I feel like my mother has instilled a lot of her illness in me, but then I do feel like I act repulsed by it in most aspects of my life and strive to do and be the opposite of what she is. Nonetheless, this was extremely informative and has helped in explaining why I may act or behave the way I do in my current life.

[@jazmin6031]

My mom did. I also have bpd. Sad sad, at least I know and can understand things better, after MAAAAAAANY years of therapy I discovered what I have and laaaaater on, that she has it. 💔

[@ArchitectOfTheApocalypse]

At 6:09 invalidating or criticizing a child's feelings...this is what my parents pretty much did to me. I recently found out my psych dr suspected bpd, and I didn't know about possible causes, as I never got a chance to discuss this with her. I remember long ago feeling embarrassed about any feelings I had other than happiness, and i have struggled with anger issues for a long time, even as a child. To this day I have problems showing emotions but recently started having pretty bad breakdowns in front of people.

[@SarahSmith-lq2vu]

Same here. Never being allowed to be anything but happy and obedient. This has scarred me badly. Just starting to realize the extent of it.

[@JadoreFabulosity89]

I’m a grown adult, and in October I fell and broke my finger. I had to wear a cast and everything and my mom yelled at me for falling rather than comforting me. This was when I noticed it was actually broken. I was in distress and I was getting yelled at.

[@AntiEmpire]

Keep them coming, Dr. Grande 💕

[@Estelle-Maureen]

I love the advice you give at the end of this video Dr. Grande!!! I wish all parents a sense of self awareness and good measure of self control.

[@DinosorusSarahsorus]

Huge fan of all of his videos. I am an avid listener and find the articles used to be exactly what he describes them to be.

[@labitcoineragt3596]

Excellent analysis! I can definitely understand how it makes sense that in some situations our kids can adopt our behavior as we modeled it to them, and in some other instances the child will reject that negative behavior modeled by the parent. That is a struggle of mine but I’ve always been very aware of how toxic my father was and I’ve continuously try to be and do the opposite. But it’s a struggle because I can recognize some conduct in me that reminds me of my dad’s. Anyway, I’m so relieved that I can recognize it and redirect it before it happens

[@vanessasouthern1792]

The worst type of Eureka moment. 😔 excellent vid though. So insightful.

[@trisha1434]

Becoming aware is truly a good thing...although difficult to accept. Good luck!!

[@mireilleblacke6567]

I find that role reversal theory quite interesting as well. Thank you, Dr. Grande.

[@amyza]

Right now I do not really show the extreme valuation and devaluation to my kids almost at all. I feel like I am on the extreme side of valuation and overprotective and perhaps even spoiling my kids somewhat. I feel like I am unable to deal with my children being sad or disappointed and always have to give in and hence spoiling them? Everyone around me tells me that I am too easy on the kids and that I always give into them so they know that they can “bully” or “manipulated” me. But really, I know that the kids know that it is easier to come to me to get what they want than to go to their father because I give in so easily even if I try not to. I get really stressed and it makes me sad to see them sad and disappointed so I find it hard to say no. I think I am somewhat scared that they won’t love me. I am scared of not being loved perhaps? I don’t even know to be honest. My BPD makes me impulsive and very emotionally unstable and so I do have helps around the house to help me with the kids and that help me being able to manage my emotion and stress a little better. I do feel like when they are older in their teenage years where they will start to be with friends and reject me, I might find it harder to be stable and perhaps I will start to act out with my BPD ways. I am trying my best to practice mindfulness but I really don’t wish to unconsciously hurt them or “scarred” them with my BPD ways. I wish there are more help and resources for BPD people like me over here .

[@kacibeaver4540]

This was my life for so long. I had to learn the hard lesson and had 2 of my 3 children taken away... Looking back I saw myself loving loving loving them. Then all of a sudden I didn't want kids. My youngest son was always trying to make sure I was ok... Helping being pleasing. I see now how awful that was. My daughter ended up being very minipulative and figured out how she could get away with things that weren't good for her. My abondonment issue is so debilitating so I had children very young. Wanted someone to love that would never leave me. And here i am alone dealing with this bullshit I didn't ask for. Learning to learn again. Feel again. Let go of my children and lead a better life. It's hard as hell.

[@kacibeaver4540]

It also helped to get off medication and think clear for myself and not want my meds wanted me to feel. Just saying it worked for me. Not everyone.

[@ralfwashington1502]

@@kacibeaver4540 sometimes meds numb the pain to much and you just don't give a crap. I agree. Unless you need something like for bipolar disorder where something is lacking but even then a high dose can make you not give a crap or feel anything.

[@brandchan]

My Mother displays a lot of borderline personality traits (her Mother likely being a narcissist) and I was the type to be repulsed by this behavior after a certain point. As a child I was emotionally immature because that was the behavior I modeled after. But as I got older the more and more I saw how just wrong everything was. And I do remember making a lot of choices based on not wanting to model my parents behavior.

[@trisha1434]

Thanks for all your interesting videos! My relationship with my mother was like her having Munchausen by proxy but in an emotional sense. From a little kid she would gaslight and tell others stories that were untrue about me. I had no awareness of this, but would be super conscious of how people *suddenly* treated me less warmly. It took years for me to uncover her tactics. The more people seemed to like me, the more angry she would become. It's difficult to have suffered at her hands for years while she got attention for lies/half truths about me. Yes I'm angry and yes I self diagnosed with borderline. An aside about the anger related to this...taking a small amount of rso twice daily is like instant cognitive therapy. It gives me the time to think before reacting impulsively.

[@trisha1434]

I have just heard about CPTSD and seem to fit into that *box* better than Borderline.

[@helenestiernstrand6575]

My covert narc mother also did n does this. Since I in my 25-30s decided to go No Contact-light with her shes Iced me out of my enlarged family which effects my son, her only grand child. She allways plays the victim n lies about beeing misstreated. Horrible person.

[@trisha1434]

@@helenestiernstrand6575 you're in an unfair and difficult position. I'm sorry you and your kid are suffering at her hands. You probably know, no chance she'll ever evolve or validate your experience. I went full ignore on her for her last couple years on earth. It was saving myself. Of course, she left a horrible family dynamic behind. The #@"%/&£ lol

[@montysloungetv]

parentification and enmeshment

[@hearme4581]

Explain please!

[@jennylynn82173]

Modeling is so important and also seeing the damage and feeling the damage of the borderline features help people to recognize the importance of not engaging in those kinds of destructive behaviors and ways of thinking - so vital to understand! I'm thankful you discuss these aspects of the transmission of Borderline traits, Dr. Grande.

[@dahliafiend]

2 weeks out of every month I was the greatest child that ever lived. The other two weeks I was ignored or made out to be a bad kid and then dad would come home and hit me because I had upset my mother somehow. My sister also endured a version of this. We are both very angry people as adults. I’m a severe addict. I really want ti change before it kills me.

[@Lindal_B]

You are worthy of Love and Peace ❤️

[@iamthestorm1004]

🙏🙏🙏❤

[@indigoheyoka1259]

EXCELLENT DESCRIPTION ON BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER!

[@briannaw.7226]

I almost think my dad had BPD. He was extremely impulsive and valued and devalued people.

[@brittasdanceqi]

I total took on the parent role with my BPD parent. To my detriment in a lot of ways. I learned very early not to rely on anyone for help.

[@chrislidbury8159]

Watching someone you love struggle with BPD is the most upsetting thing

[@jeffbauer9672]

This is so sad but true! If you want to know what your spouse may turn out to be you have to look at both parents in general. I ignored the red flags when I observed my wife’s crazy mother before marrying. Genetics and environment. She had a toxic relationship with her mother through out our marriage but was extremely susceptible to her manipulation to the point when it override all other priorities including our own children! Don’t ignore your Instinct.

[@charlesbromberick4247]

Thanks, seems reasonable to me. (I always appreciate the sensible, "down-to-earth" charácter of your videos.)

[@DHW256]

Our mother obviously had BPD and many narcissist traits. It was very frustrating living under the same roof with a childish, selfish, divisive, suicidal, constantly enraged, gaslighting, physically and mentally abusive mother. I recall, at the age of eight, almost wishing our mother would finally end her life and get it over with. The problems we kids faced on a daily basis most folks probably wouldn't believe. Thankfully, as I matured and recalled the absurd situations my mother created with us kids, I made sure I did not repeat them with my own kids; and I made sure I married my mother's antipathy. My wife is a nurturing, warm, loving fixture in my children's lives.

[@sweetpotatoes9882]

I realised for quite a while that I had narc parents, especially with my mom, and I feel so alone. I still live with them because I'm too young to move out, but knowing that I have to live with them, can't escape from family dinners or gatherings I feel stuck and unsafe and I don't know how I can shape my own reality or be happy if I'm surrounded by people who want to put me down

[@beyondbeauty6921]

Yes borderline mothers create borderline kids, vicious dysfunctional cycle seems to continue.

[@iamlight1]

I thought having a mother with narcissistic traits (invalidating) gave a propensity to develop BPD. Aha! the idealization/devaluation cycle confusion; not knowing if they're valued or not valued => unstable sense of self -wow,!. Inappropriate intense anger and hostility; the child not knowing what caused it, what he did. A child questioning her feelings, not knowing her feelings, not knowing if her feelings are valid or accurate or founded (valid) or what they are; not sure how they feel or who they are. I never saw fear of abandonment in my mother so I never felt I had to comfort her, she seemed rather detached (unbonded, disconnected) from us. But my sister did get parentified and my sister did take care of my mother's needs and morphed to please her while I refused and rebelled. I did become, eventually, a people pleaser nevertheless. All I wanted was her love and acceptance which I could never really have; it was always a tease of sorts. Modeling: the word: "parent" is very similar to the word: "pattern". A lot of paranoia; she always thought everyone did things on purpose and intentionally to annoy or irritate her or make her miserable. More than interesting; helpful. Thank you, Dr. Grande. I often thought my mother had intense narcissistic traits but now I start to wonder if it was a strange case of BPD because she did put me up on a pedestal to later take me down; I never knew which one I was. She would build me up and later tear me down constantly. There may be a possibility of comorbidity.Although I have suffered with depression/anxiety and my sister is somewhat controlling-OCD, no one in my family has ever been suicidal.

[@darkamethyssst4723]

Thanks for the enlightening video Dr. Grande.. this and other videos you have uploaded have helped me tremendously in understanding my BPD diagnosis and this video in particular motivated me to comment as i feel my mum has somekind of personality disorder that has effected me.. keep up the good work Doc.. 🙂

[@FrancesShear]

Dr. Grande the theories you discussed on how personality traits may be a learned intergenerational thing were so interesting. Perhaps the theory which describes how a child may become determined to not repeat the same mistakes that their parents made and so they manage to escape the intergenerational unhealthy personality formation could explain how alcoholsim and other forms of drug abuse often skips a generation too.

[@camuscat123]

I wonder if people may consciously say, "I'll never do that;" however, the influence of past trauma may trigger borderline behaviors which qualify as a diagnosis. People tend to view people who suffer from BPD as easily angered...aggressive, attention-seeking, labile. What about the sub-population that is introverted, avoids conflict and relationships to prevent a repeat of emotional abandonment to maintain a calm demeanor? They maintain an isolated life; hence; their aggression tends to be self-directed. think, sometimes, the display of behaviors one displays may be associated the nature of relationship (what role did they play in one's upbringing?). BPD is so complex. I have difficulty, as with any diagnosis, seeing homogeneity in those who apply. This was such a great video on a personal and professional level.

[@patrickhanson712]

Completely agree. I always (exception, close relationships) direct it inward. Partly I think because of being raised by a severe alcoholic.

[@ennvee1970]

Thanks Dr Grande I will comment later on this one,hope you have time to read it,This is very important for us 🙏🏼👏🏽👍🏽👏🏽🌈, thanks again

[@patrickhanson712]

Completely agree. This was very specific glad I found it as a result of thearpy work.

[@simev500]

(7:01) “…Fear of abandonment…leading to role reversal…” What an eye opening statement for me. Knew that something was wrong when I was of age 6 but couldn’t have possibly understood its implication on me much later in life.

[@BleddyBear81]

Good information for fathers seeking custody orders from the court. In my opinion there is a correlation between mothers with BPD and Family Lawn involvement.

[@spiderboyjosh]

My mother looked at me square in my eyes and uttered "I wish I could kill you so I wouldn't have to take care of you." I was 12 years old when she said that to me while sitting at a police station because I was honest with the officers about my mothers boyfriend hitting her. That moment has stayed with me. I never had the most stable environment growing up. Swapping parents constantly around age 7. Passed off and moving back. My mother drove me to my father that was about an hour away. As soon as I got out of the car she skidded off. I haven't had a relationship with my mother for over a decade. Once for a couple of months in 2014, but nothing since. I was the subject of a lot of verbal and emotional abuse, but oddly had a closeness to my mother more so as I remember than my brother did. He hid in his room while I was sort of in the middle of the chaos. Even when I was living with my father his wife at the time was verbally abusive and at some moments physically. As much as I want to believe she was doing the best she could having two new children in her life, she made our lives really awful as she started to unravel who she was. My father endured a lot of abuse from her, but was taking it out on me because he wanted to believe his wife over his child which I understand because I developed a habit of lying because telling the truth resulted in blow out arguments somewhat scary situations. I don't know what it means to have stability and I see a lot of that instability in my life now at 37. My childhood the way it was has effected every aspect of my life in a negative way. I consider myself defective and broken because of what I was subjected to. I hear people say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" or "stop being a victim and rise above it" "don't let your past determine your future." I struggle with BPD every day. I am not a successful person and I am barely living. Idk how to overcome my life as it was given to me growing up. I didn't ask for it and I wish my mother aborted me when she had the chance. I bet she regrets that now.

[@godstomper]

A narcissistic parent can make a child borderline.

[@katieoffenbacker2318]

Yes! This makes so much sense! My whole life I've always thought I don't want to be like my mother. I don't want to act anything like her. So I've become so opposite from her. My brother on the other hand follows everything my mother said and does and his behavior is some much like hers. This helps give me more clarity in these relationships.

[@helenestiernstrand6575]

Intresting. My mother is a covert narc n my brother has been growing up very dependant of her. Hes the golden child n Im the scapegoat. Hes completly co-dependant of her and an enabler of her manipulative ways.

[@troynunley8161]

There is another factor, addressed by Dr. Christine Anne Lawson in "Understanding the Borderline Mother." SPLITTING. BPDs see their world and people in all-good / all-bad categories. This is particularly difficult in a TWO-CHILD setting. Accordingly, one child is perceived as the "good" kid and the other labeled the "bad" or "defective" child. If so, the good-child developed psychological issues, but the "bad" child develops BPD.

[@rosannaburt3048]

Hope all mom n families feel less alone ty for these videos

[@karmachameleon7148]

My take on being able to pick up and later demonstrate for identity disturbance links back to other things as well. The core idea is that the mother's identity is unstable in reactions. Often wondering "which mother will pick me up after school?" And later on demonstrating that later in life in similar ways. It isn't something that I could clearly define but I can see how it could be picked up in small ways. Seperating emotions falls partially into the child's emotions not being valid so they push it away. It isn't me kind of thought pattern.

[@angelamatlock1932]

I really love your videos please dont stop making them..ive learned alot

[@thezzach]

Todd, I have needed to hear what you said here since I was a teenager, 30 years ago. Thank you ! ❤️

[@maureenseel118]

I'm terrified I have BPD now... But I lean more toward C-PTSD and I'm getting the help I need. Our childhood was scary and it's upsetting how much I can't remember or have repressed. It didn't get that she also had issues with opiates and alcohol AND religious extremism.

[@theresamorello9892]

My evil narcissistic mother has been dead for thirty years but she is still living rent free inside my head. My mother - the gift that keeps on taking.

[@m0ongirl]

I feel like to many people are linking bpd to narcissism. The stigma of bpd is bad enough without making us all seem evil and without empathy when most of us are the opposite we are over sensitive and full of empathy and our worse nightmare is out kids turning out like us so we try and break the cycle. My parents don't have bpd but never spoke about feelings or emotions and brushed everything under the carpet due to this and the affect its had on me im the absolutely opposite when it comes to parenting. I'm very open with my child and constantly talk about the importance of feelings and emotions and not keeping them inside. I just came across some guy on here making videos like 'don't have kids with a bpd women' 'don't date a bpd women' and basically ranting about how manipulative we are and narcissistic for goodness sake it's an illness we didn't choose and we don't enjoy. Making us feel even worse than we already do for things we feel we can't control is not helpful

[@ACzechManGoingHisOwnWay]

While it is true that seeing negative traits and behaviours in one's parents can lead to conscious decisions to avoid doing the same, there are also other mechanisms at play that work against this. A child will automatically learn patterns of behaviour from his/her environment (primarily the parents and especially the same sex parent). There is no conscious choice involved in that. Even though I actively try not to show the same narcissistic and disrespectful traits of my father, there's still strong subconscious programming present that I cannot always control. Even though I am fully aware of my acting in an undesirable and annoying way, it feels more like watching a movie as a spectator rather than being the director.

[@yourenough3]

Great video. Thanks Dr. G

[@heyyjoynae]

I love your videos Dr. Grande❤❤ Thank you ❤️❤️ Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you!!🥰

[@mohacs1000]

Acting in a different manner to my mother is something I try to do after my BPD diagnosis, recovering from alcoholism and mental health treatment. Before this I could not do so due to my built in impulsivity and tendency to be overwhelmed by my emotions.

[@kimfoster2353]

Wowww...we are going through this with my one year old granddaughter. Currently going through the courts to gain custody of the child. This makes perfect sense regarding my situation and terrifying at the same time for my granddaughter. Thank you for this video!

[@catwalkster]

And how did her mother ( your daughter ) get bpd? Because of you. So you and or your husband are bpd and or npd. (Or alcoholic or other kind of addiction )

[@emeliealltorp5743]

I think the point here should be that a mental illness can't be inherited. You inherit a genotype (ie vulnerability) which isn't the same as inheriting the same disease. From experience I can say that it's very stigmatizing to be accused of being borderline from a psychiatrist when evidence actually points to a copying of behaviours. Growing up with a single BPD parent with no other adult influences will manifest in symptoms. Thankfully those symptoms can be treated if the main cause is discovered. I have a capacity to understand my emotions in a way which my mother is incapable of. So in terms of coping with this insight, I do believe most children to BPD mothers can change & become the best version of themselves. After all, copying bad behaviours doesn't mean that it's ground for such a heavy diagnosis, especially not when it comes to young adults. I have been wrongfully diagnosed because of this, and it's taken me years to build enough confidence to realize what everyone else around me has been saying: there is nothing wrong with me.

[@qiuwbr091]

“Affective instability”- I need to remember that as a way to sort through people. I just realized some borderlines develop social “filters” to make their actions look innocent. Wow Dr. that’s a LOT of insight. They use the phone to influence others much more than I do. When borderline is influenced by inebriation it gets really ugly. Really ugly. 🍹🍹🍹🍹🍻🍻🍻🍻🧉🧉🧉🧉🚑🚑🚑. Thanks for the clue. In my area you can’t just avoid people who are often inebriated faking sobriety. Even the Clergy. City hall etc

[@orozma52]

Dr Grande, gracias por la información tan precisa y clara en conducta humana. Mis padres se divorciaron cuando tenía 7 años y siendo la mayor de 6 se me impuso muchas responsabilidades. Crecimos 3 con papá en Mexico y 3 en USA con mamá. No les vimos por 9 años. Hoy ya casados y con hijos los 6 vivimos en California. Su canal aunado a la fe y terapias han sido valiosas herramientas para sanar. Me gustaría que algunos de sus temas fueran subtitulados en español para mi familia en Mexico. Gracias.

[@alicerayne9461]

my mother had BPD she drank herself to death, then my husband was BPD and died from an overdose, now I believe my Daughter has BPD she gets mad over nothing and cannot stand to be alone but yet she will get mad and run you off, I love her with all my heart, but I do fear her too !

[@lululuvsmith5656]

What if your parents have borderline and sociopathic personalities. But you are told by clinicians you are the rare one, one complete opposite. I'm the empathetic scape goat.

[@NH-hp2nn]

Bohemian Goddess me too, well I know I’m an empath.... so that means we can’t be bpd at the same time right?

[@lululuvsmith5656]

N H I agree. I'm not a borderline, I'm so different. That had to be so hard for you, I'm sorry.

[@naida6958]

1 Co dependant 2 empthath

[@stephencurtin9038]

A few of the longitudinal attachment studies around disorganised attachment and bpd found a positive correlation between disorganised mother/disorganised child.many in psychology would say show me a borderline child and I'll show you a borderline parent

[@fleurboisvert8816]

Role reversal is definitely relevant. I know this as I can from an extreme version of this with my mother threatening suicide in front of me from a very young age and later asking 8yo me to die with when ended herself as reassurance she wasn't leaving ( not that I knew she meant it reassuring a friend told me that is what she told them ). I run after her screaming trying to save her starting young and when I feel I'm failing people can become frightened that are dying and it's my fault. The abandonment schema has been running since my great grandmother at least, I'm 4th gen borderline. The running thread between all our experiences was a degree of neglect ranging for someone else bringing up your toddler all the way to being left to survive ww2 alone far away from your parents at 7. With some level of parentification and other trauma thrown in. If you have anything you what to ask a 4th gen borderline: feel free. Mind I'm a complex case though as am in the process of getting assessed for OSDD and have quite severe dissociative issues.

[@fleurboisvert8816]

Oh and the last theory applies to me but I'm sure deciding to cycle break and have different values equates to not meeting the criteria for bpd... I have issues with alcohol but choose not to drink because of what was modeled to me but that doesn't mean the urge to drink my emotions as a learnt behaviour isn't there...

[@Giannis_Sotolidis]

As a borderline child with trauma of modeling my mother,i started modeling narcissistic characters and ended up grandiose.

[@hearme4581]

Same, working on myself. Also have bpd. My mother was bpd

[@mad7fisher]

my mother was a narcissist, according to my therapist. Narcissistic Mother = Borderline Offspring

[@kendrabennett2843]

Thank you for the video. My Borderline mother and I are room-mating again, sharing a 5 bedroom house 50/50 with bills and such and I have a hard time wondering how I survived my childhood. As no surprise I attracted a string of cluster b partners, the last 1 I believe was a sociopath, whom I had to leave after he threatened to kill me. He had military training and used it to stalk, harass, and bully me after I fled the home that we shared. I left nearly indigent, as he also did financial abuse, which is why I had ot move back with BPD bat shit crazy mother. She does poisonings, and I have a padlock on my mini refrigerator and only eat foods from unopened containers when we roommate. She still attempts the poisonings, but gives up after I discard anything in an open container that she brings me.

[@aruytpadyugf]

Kendra Bennett I can’t believe she willingly tries to poison you. That’s terrifying

[@lauraweaver91]

Very sorry to hear about all that Kendra. In regards to the string of cluster B partners and how to overcome this tendency I highly recommend checking out Ross Rosenbergs Human Magnet Syndrome work. Be well.

[@Jan-qv8ku]

I think you should get out of there! You’d be better off with unrelated roommates!

[@noelstar1456]

I came here worried that my sister had been influenced by our mother (sister's diagnosed with BPD, psychiatrist said it might have a genetic factor. Mom thinks its our dad's mom that 'gave' it to my sister, I've always suspected my mother because growing up I *felt* something was wrong both with how frequent and dramatic the mood swings were), now I'm leaving thinking that I need to get checked out, because some of the things you mentioned that can cause BPD apply to how she raised me too...

[@thefletchlife7837]

Yes. 11.5%. This increases with contributory factors. Research has been done.

[@ralfwashington1502]

Thanks for the video I think my BPD mother was overly protective to keep me close and now I'm insecure with possible same thing as her. I have pulled away emotionally way more because of the smothering. She always tells friends I'm the "good child" I hate this title and it is clear my brothers and sisters see this extra treatment which is worse. There definitely is a horrible side to overly loving and protecting your kids. What's worse is that I'm now a MAN and very timid. I try to push myself into doing fun yet brave activities but really don't know if I enjoy them or enjoy the way it makes me appear to others. Can't wait till Covid 19 kills itself off and I can go get professional help. At least I have good videos to help!

[@lagomorph770]

You can do therapy online during covid

[@ralfwashington1502]

@@lagomorph770 thanks but I don't like anything that's remote I know you can phone a shrink to all through the phone but that's crap. If I'm paying 200+ an hour I want you there. Thanks for the tip though.

[@fiberpoet6250]

I think I have aspects of BPD but not the whole thing My mom definitely hit every descriptor. I have worked hard on myself to be a better person than how I was raised. I’m not having kids, and I’m ok with that.

[@namastenurse]

With regard to observable behaviors related to identity disturbance: As a child, I remember noticing that moms behavior was vastly different based on who we were with at any given time. Mirroring to such extent that she was a completely different person. Over time I made the connection that this was the norm. Which then, for me, very much led to a feeling of disconnectedness from self.

[@TheSahand68]

Great analysis, great insight, great new info. Thanks for that.That explains a lot what I have observed throughout my life...how to introduce legislation to successfully enhance successful parenting of a parent diagnosed with BPD in order to protect child's wellbeing?

[@haniwa6988]

Thank you so much for the talking about this.

[@jodyshimamura2283]

I am a bpd mother of a 5 year old boy. My downfall is that I fixate so badly that I will make my son feel rejected or that he can't come to me when he needs my guidance as a mom. It's such a severe fear of mine. I am always saying "I never want my son to feel like he can not talk to me, like I felt with my mother" My mother I believe has Bpd, but I'm just assuming. She is unable to be mindful of us children and our feelings. She has always been so chaotic emotionally and isn't mindful that she is constantly talking about herself and how she feels. My mother does this to all of my siblings. She has always been in bad relationships and is not self aware to see how it has hurt all of us kids. Any time I try to talk with her about it she gets mad at me tells me I need to get over it and that I can't blame all my issues on her. Yet I have never blamed her for my bad choices I've simply tried explaining how my childhood trauma and my coping skills are because of what happened to me. She will go right into "well I was the one who was married to these men I was abused more then you" I don't need to explain how messed up that is to compare the abuse ur daughter went thru based on her choices to her abuse. So I have this terrible guilt and shame that scares me to put that on my son. For him to feel that way. The issue is that fixate to severally and overly try to communicate with him that I know is just going to push him away or confuse him. He is only 5. I hate that I always watch him and take in all his emotions then try to adjust everything around him. I'm making my self a nervous wreck. Which is making him upset. See I'm fixating on it right now. I'm aware of what I'm doing and I have to literally walk away some times or my head is screaming to stop. So my point is that some times with bpd mothers they over anylize over think and over talk situations that the very thing we never wanted to do, we end up doing just in a different way because we are severely fearful and fixate.

[@jloren4647]

I know its very hard to pretend you have thick skin when you have BPD. If you are able to accurately assess whether the father is a decent person (again hard with BPD), make it a priority to have the child spend a lot of time with him. Neurotypical children who grow up spending time with their father turn out dramatically better statistically and this is no "fault" of yours. You may not be able to see that in such an important time the child is "walking on eggshells". This isn't going to do them any good and he is going to need a man to talk to as he becomes one. You simply have no experience being a man. I wish you all well.

[@memomorph5375]

7:51 Wow, I’ve seen this. Personal example: my mom wanted to buy a 40lb bag of cat food for her 6 chickens. When I told her that might not be appropriate (the chickens should only get cat food as treats! They need chicken food and we already have that) she went off on me in the middle of Costco. Threatened not to take me to the store ever again. She’s 68 and I’m 24. She needs my help shopping and driving. It’s like she was trying to “parent” a 5 year old! When she was the one being kind of childish/ throwing a tantrum. Wild.