DO THIS When Narcissist Talks to You!

Never mind WHAT the narcissist says, ask yourself WHY s/he says it:
Impression management
Confabulation
Support of grandiosity or shared fantasy
Manipulation
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com/stores/page/60...

[@lyndatelford4370]

Narcissists don’t talk to you they talk at you

[@Harvardfacebook]

Talk to you and talk at you are the same thing. Try; they don’t talk with you, which means they would be open to your views and opinions.

[@honey-feeney9800]

@@Harvardfacebookyes. The word “ with” was on my mind

[@honey-feeney9800]

Narcs re-write history, huh?

[@honey-feeney9800]

The speech and communication could be communist propaganda

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Or over you!

[@afol4016]

Don't bother trying to figure out why they abuse you and Manipulate you. Just get the hell out! RUN AND HAVE A LIFE! A NORMAL LIFE!

[@paulabritocamara5513]

A good life☀️🙏 t Best life 🎉

[@lilu6766]

Yes!

[@xochitl7489]

You are right. That’s the big problem with the victim, we try to understand the narcissist, we waist energy and time.First of all, we have to understand ourselves, the rest is not our problem

[@JJ-iq8mi]

A happy, drama free life 😊

[@Muck-qy2oo]

Just no good if you have a boss like that.

[@suzystone244]

The narcissist no longer occupies my space. It's called divorce.

[@melbaT2770]

Yet you are here commenting after watching this video🧐 unless you meant physical space?

[@muhammadsteinberg]

​@melbaT2770 I no longer participate in track & and field, but I still watch it. What's your point?

[@vhayashi7369]

Me too! Divorce is Heaven! 🙌😂😂😂

[@AstonM6]

Mine is going to be called retirement.

[@melbaT2770]

That is why I asked if she meant physical space or mental. I watch dance videos and performances but I no longer am a professional dancer.@@muhammadsteinberg

[@lisaproustresearch]

Why do Narcs talk? For 4 weaponized reasons: 1) impress 2) invent a story 3) elevate themselves 4) manipulate

[@Kerri7021]

I would add to this list a few other reasons for a narc’s verbiage: to shame, mock, guilt trip, humiliate, hurt, gaslight, dismiss, spew contempt, deny, contradict, distort, or insult.

[@musicfundi]

Boy oh boy you've nailed it now! It was hard work to work through this, but I came out on top of it!!!

[@airthrowDBT]

Before I knew what a narcissist was, in my early 20s I spent a LOT of time wondering why my mom never once called to ask how I was doing like I was aware normal mothers do 😂

[@deniq55]

Wow I just realized that happened to me too. I never thought about it before. Later her mask came fully off and it no joke almost cost me my life. This is serious stuff, but it can start so subtle.

[@beth38368]

Omg my mums exactly the same 😂 I didn't realise until I was about 34/35 that she's narcissistic.

[@airthrowDBT]

@beth38368 I was maybe 25 but I somehow discovered r/raisedbynarcissists and spent MONTHS reading stories exactly like mine, some of them I could've written word-for-word. It was so validating because my entire life I couldn't tell other people the BIZARRE mind games and subtle abuse because "no one loves you like your mother" etc.

[@airthrowDBT]

@deniq55 My narc mom eventually couldn't keep the mask up and got sued and disbarred from practicing law. I saw her on the news clout chasing my cousin she never even met (I knew him) getting shot, and claimed she left the legal profession out of disgust for how it treats black boys. 1) You didn't leave the practice of law, you were stripped of your ability to by the stare for misappropriation of funds and sexual impropriety, 2) You abused a black boy that was your SON his whole childhood so the idea that you took a moral stand in the defense of black boys is a sick joke

[@annettehunter9743]

When I was sick my mother never phoned. I was very upset and her excuse was she 'didn't want to disturb me'.

[@rancho-relaxo-radio]

This happened to me a week ago! A guy in a bar started talking to me. He had been staring at me for a while. He is a musician and talked about music for 15 minutes straight (a MONOLOGUE), then I told him that he was a "mine" of information and that I could listen to him for hours (I was IN AWE!!!). He told me that he could speak for hours. The interesting thing is that I was asking him questions at the beginning but, after a few minutes, I started to forget what I wanted to say. My mind went completely blank. Then he told me that he wanted to play with the other musicians in the bar and left. It was at that moment when I understood what had just happened. I felt confused at first and then stupid. He wanted SUPPLY and oh boy did he have it! Thank you Sam Vaknin for this channel. I'm learning, still making mistakes, but I'm getting faster at spotting the narcs' dynamics. This time it took me 20 minutes instead of 10 years! Not that bad!

[@andyharpist2938]

Sounds like an utter bore to me. Should have said "don't you think you could allow an amount of interchange with me rather than forcing me to nod my head and provide nothing to this conversation?"

[@spilledit]

That could just be a lonely person cope. Someone with anxieties. We're labeling people narcs with a small sample size. The person has insecurities for sure. Nobody is required to sign up for dealing with that in another person.

[@sheilaking1300]

Well done on spotting these ticks earlier, you do get better at narc-spotting.

[@khplaylistyt9729]

​@KelseyNineMusicplease don't spread stupidity

[@khplaylistyt9729]

I thought you'd be better off experiencing narcissism first hand but this isn't enough of a sign to brand anyone as a narcissist. Beware of becoming the person you hate the most.

[@cocococococo7091]

Not everyone is in a position to ‘leave’ a narc.

[@norm2760]

Brutal, and true...

[@Survivin2Thrivin]

I felt like I couldn't leave the NPD in my daily life so stayed for nearly a decade, so I really understand what you're saying.

[@jeffthebluesinem2280]

The power dynamic in interpersonal relations is determined by the one who gives it away. Being weak in any given moment does not define any one or mean that person can never learn ways to handle it.

[@diddilindkvist5772]

Oh yes they are. They have to make sacrifices but it will ve worth it

[@user-em8on8py9z]

Feeling that you cannot leave the Narc? As long as they are not physically harming you, just try to dwell as long as you can, not allowing them to break you down. Conquer the evil with the good. I will assure you, they always overplay their hand and something will happen to bring you some peace. Just stay focused on getting through each day. Ofcourse you will have to find ways to cope, like being active with a support group, or a family member you trust to be able to help you stay strong while you work on making your exit. It won't happen overnight, but you will get to where you want to be in your life. They usually always self-destruct.

[@Mithras444]

My dad is a narcissist and its best to just keep things very basic, I know now why my great grandmother used to say, " least said, is best done", yep, good advise with a narcissist. My silence is deafening, because I am NOT a supply anymore.

[@don8829]

Bro same with me keep things very basic

[@musicfundi]

Exactly

[@nintencat]

I had a narcissist who was bothering me. My friend had just one word. One response. One question. Why? Under a barrage of why's, the narcissist crumpled and folded like the paper people they really are.

[@audrablue515]

This is brilliant. I might try it if I ever run into my ex narc. But the ideal situation would be to never see him again. Four months total no contact so far.

[@musicfundi]

Sorry, you've lost me. What do you mean by Why? Please let me know, we can never learn too much about this.

[@tiffanaedawnmedicinebear8921]

Lov this

[@ChineseChicken1]

​@@musicfundiMy Narc Mom tried to start an argument with me about something stupid, I just kept saying "Why are you arguing with me", after saying that 3 times she stopped talking after getting frustrated and just said "Whatever" before changing the subject and acting like nothing happened. She acts like such a spoiled little child. It's shameful.

[@vanhaze2000]

@@ChineseChicken1 spot on, thank you.

[@the_veronica_k]

THIS IS PURE GOLD! I couldn’t imagine a more succinct explanation of why the narc-psychopath ever speaks. Period! It’s NEVER about the said communication itself, but rather WHY the communication. Every single word is for the purpose of manipulation to benefit their ultimate goal in that moment. And their ongoing goals have no end. Thank you for putting this out there Prof. Sam Vaknin. This deserves a Nobel Prize 👏👏👏👏

[@musicfundi]

Absolutely! One of the best I've seen. So important to know.

[@shababrk]

imagine all the politicians and celebrities that are narcissists (maybe even 100%)

[@1stBorn538]

I think so too

[@north_mesa]

I love when Sam laughs it's hilarious 😂

[@girlynerds611]

The cutest laugh

[@lindanicola]

😂​@@girlynerds611

[@vargsmalnorway9246]

I thought I was the only one enjoying it 😂

[@annettehunter9743]

It's a funny rogue laugh

[@intheactofmaking6414]

​@@vargsmalnorway9246😂❤❤

[@user-zy6dv9ef3b]

Yes, dig deeper into the intent, what do they really want? Ignore the superficial mask/act they are giving you. Also pay attention to how they make you feel.

[@AngelicaSecondLife]

it all makes sense now, I wish I had known this 40 years ago, but, better late than never! Thank you.

[@Loriburnett]

Me too about my “ma”. She set out to destroy my self existence and pretty much succeeded. It started when she accidentally got pregnant and abortion was illegal. She said to me she wished she hung herself when she was pregnant with me. I was a constant annoyance in her life. She is a textbook narcissist and I just found out at 53. Thanks to these videos. Then I unknowingly married one. I’m so broken…

[@AngelicaSecondLife]

@@Loriburnett but knowing you’re not alone really does help! I have watched a ton of videos and I am honestly so much stronger now.

[@musicfundi]

It took ma a good 15 years to realise exactly WHAT I'm dealing with. That's when I began to study a Narcissist and learnt how to live with it if you have to.

[@tiffanaedawnmedicinebear8921]

Me too

[@renatapeters3681]

Therapists need to have this in mind in couples therapy when one of the clients is a narcissist.

[@chrisalisonjacobs3865]

You're absolutely right..I wouldn't recommend therapy with a narcissistic partner...just concentrate on self care ❤

[@ninjacat508]

Therapist need to pull the non narcissist aside and advise them to leave the relationship.

[@mgnwill]

Assuming the therapist isn't also a narcissist. Now there's a combination. Been there, done that. Never again.

[@iyounghuang5433]

WoW. Thank you all for sharing here. Before, it was years ago, I didn't know about narcissist, I just know he needs help, I told my children's father to go to therapy, he refused , said seeing psychologist or psychiatrist is for crazy people. If we did seek therapist Who didn't know narcissist , it must be worsen hell. Thanks God. From KZbin, we knew and learnt a lot. Thanks Dr. Sam.

[@zellerized]

Wow! This is exactly what I thought after counselling with my ex wife narc.. the therapist did NOTHING of value to assist.. like she didnt pick up on anything happening.

[@lizstraub6621]

My ex-husband Narcissist kept asking me if I had my taxes done, and kept saying "A girl I know works at your accountant's office now" then I asked myself why he keeps asking me and telling me that! He was planning to get my tax return leaked to him! He's cheating on his new wife/source! He is like a caged gorilla now!!! I was literally scared to death, after many years of divorce. Last week was a wake-up call: They NEVER change!!!

[@lizstraub6621]

He didn't think I would figure it out and stop him! When I did, he went NUTS! Plus now he knows I can tell his wife about the "Girl" in the office! I won't, I don't care about his wife, she was one of his mistresses when we were married, so he's her problem. They really can play the long game...our children and I have suffered this abuse for 34 years.

[@ninjacat508]

A good go-to answer for those types of questions is "Are you offering to pay?" Involve payment and they'll back off immediately.

[@Summer-be7qv]

In the depths of the worst of it, I wrote in my journal “Your words seep like poison into my bones”. I couldn’t understand why someone who claims to love, would speak to me at times with such utter contempt. I am grateful for your videos that help make me some sense of the crazy-making nonsense. It’s very, very difficult in the midst of it and trying to survive- like being in the fog of war.

[@musicfundi]

Amazing, not so? One minute they're all over you, covering you with love and respect, yet a few hours late it can be the exact opposite. God gave me strength to deal with it and to take the best out of it and simply dismiss the bad. Like Prof said : Ignore them! Their words means nothing if you don't react to it. Slowly, slowly he will realise he's not getting the results anymore . It's difficult sometimes, but worth the hard work you'll put in to try and understand HOW to live with it. That's if (number 1) you CAN'T leave.

[@dimples5933]

Omg the stories !!! Never asking questions, only assumptions as truth, correcting everything, even when I express MY emotions he corrects me!! I’m just starting to recover, the last 5 yrs has taken a toll on my health😢

[@toughenupfluffy7294]

I remember a man who worked on a horse ranch. The boss was a malignant narcissist who mercilessly beat the horses, as well as engaging in underhanded tactics with his workers. When a wild horse was brought in for breaking, the boss beat on it and tortured it for non-compliance. One day the man I'm mentioning was alone with the boss, watching as he got into an enclosure with the wild horse. It reared up and struck the boss down. The boss looked at the man in question, pleading for him to help, but the man just sat there on the fence, watching as the horse killed the boss. The point of my story is that narcissists are inherently unintelligent people. If the boss had been smart, he would've gained the empathy of his workers instead of alienating them, something that would've saved his life.

[@-Deena.]

It took me years to realise this on my own. Once I had, it all became very obvious to me, I saw absolutely no purpose in letting her know that I now understood, or point out her true motives, as it always resulted in it being twisted by her to me being 'abusive' and her a victim. I grey rocked, and then told her straight, with no detailed explanation, that this relationship was over. She love bombed for a while but when that had no impact, and elicited no response, she was gone. Vanished.

[@WouldbeRenaissanceLady6926]

My father was a narcissist, my first husband was a sociopath. All I have to say is that I count myself so lucky because I know who I am, I am now a lot more astute and can get a "mental visual" on a lot of people straight away. If you come across anyone with narcissism or sociopathy, think of yourself and get away from them because they WILL try to use you. Run... I feel sorry for people with these mental issues, my father was physically abused as a child. My first husband had a very unusual upbringing and I think his sociopathy stemmed from nuture. It is sad to think that a lot of people go barging through their lives ignorant of who they really are and how much they mentally injure others. 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭

[@musicfundi]

So very true. They really are sad people. My Narc also had a Narc Dad and he had a terrible childhood. That's why I tried to make excuses for home for 15 of our 30 years together..... Only because of studying the Narcs and learning how to cope with them, can I say that the last few years of the last 15 years brought me out on top!

[@AdriannaContreras]

Spot on when it comes to my mother. I didn't think she had ever had a deep or intellectual conversation with anyone. And she makes things up to suit her about anything. I never had a real conversation her.

[@audrablue515]

My mum is exactly the same. When she was working full time (she's mid-70s and retired now), she would regale her female colleagues with tall tales of where she went and what she did on the weekend (all made up). Sailing with a Texan oil millionaire she met at a posh pub was her favourite. These women ate it up whereas my sisters and I were shocked and incredulous that anyone could believe such nonsense. My mum isn't deep or intellectual. She has no hobbies or pastimes, no interests, no friends and no partner. She just sits at home and watches tv. We've seen her watch tv and it looks like she's in a trance. When she "comes to", we ask her what she was watching and it would always be so completely different from what she actually watched. Same with her recounting an actual even she witnessed. Between the eyes seeing, the brain processing and the mouth speaking, there would be a complete disconnect and it was astonishing the difference in reality to her recollection of it. She never wants to learn anything new. She doesn't want to go anywhere, especially if she has to pay for it herself. She's not interested in anything, really. Makes me wonder why she's even in this life. Her ability to connect with anything or anyone, including herself, is severely compromised and we are just counting the days until dementia starts taking a hold of her.

[@jeanmarie4507]

@@audrablue515Sad

[@samsamed2370]

The size they give themselves is not real. They want you to believe it because it is their only solution to control you You must make the conversation seem natural and have set strict limits in advance. Keep in mind that any conversation the narcissist has with you is aimed at breaking boundaries. Do not always deal with them with feelings. You must appear strong to them. Your voice is loud and your body tone is strong, but you are not aggressive. And be strict in ending the conversation in For a few seconds, do not delve into any topic. Be specific and brief and withdraw. Teach them that any transgression of the limits that you set in front of them will have consequences and will be truly harmful. Narcissists are cowards whose only weapon is trickery.

[@1stBorn538]

Yes!!!!! Very good advice...they will drive you nuts sometimes Wish I could screen shot this to remind myself everytime I gotta deal with one of them

[@messenger8279]

I know several and it's impossible to have a balanced conversation. As soon as a gap in the conversation arrives and I speak, it's clear they are not listening. They are looking around and wanting to be the only one talking.

[@musicfundi]

So true!

[@Summerrose400]

My covert narcissist friend will just not let me speak. Every time she pauses or finishes what she is saying I manage to get one word in if I’m lucky then she speaks right over me about HER subject or topic. I may as well just shut up and listen to a podcast while she just talks and talks and talks and talks. 5 hours later we say goodbye with out me having had an opportunity to just chat.

[@vanhaze2000]

exactly.

[@pattyherges5865]

Absolutely!

[@lauriejordan2716]

I am legit shocked and I am only 30 seconds in. My entire life I have been saying that I am not nearly as interested in what people say or do as I am interested in why they say or do it, what was/is their motivation. Nobody has ever ag agreed with me or even said they understood why I felt that way. You have just made me feel so much more understood and normal. I often feel like I have a different way of thinking or looking at life than others. Truly thank you.

[@LearnCompositionOnline]

God bless you then ❤

[@TheWealthOfNationz]

Most people do not think deeply about topics like this unless their life circumstances force them to.

[@kittywalker2944]

My trick was to just start humming, 20-40 seconds b4 just walking out of the room, in the middle of his sentence. Confused the crap out of him, kept him off balance and gave me a direct route back to my power.

[@musicfundi]

Good for you!

[@lorarau1255]

Oh yes, that black cat energy, a redirecting & self-soothing purr.

[@PhoenixRisen33]

Never try to love the red flags out of someone; stay woke friends. 🤙

[@miku5773]

that sentence is a dimond, thanks

[@iamcuriouswithai]

nailed it!

[@sunahgahd]

Awake is true spiritual liberation. 'Woke' is a left leaning political agenda

[@katiemccormick8846]

Awake, never woke.

[@metamorphic8]

🤩💎🤩

[@airthrowDBT]

Unfortunately I learned the WHY they say it not the WHAT they say, as a survival mechanism from an extremely narcissistic parent 😂 Scratch the surface and the why is always something they want at your expense, the why is the lie

[@oachie8862]

Amen

[@ellejee74]

Same, and when you call out the narc or toxic person, they're so surprised you figured them out...🤭🤣🙏✌

[@airthrowDBT]

​@ellejee74 How DARE you say out loud what theyre doing to try to manipulate you!!! 😂

[@ellejee74]

@@airthrowDBT 🤣🤣🤭🤭

[@melbaT2770]

“Impression management” This explains it all for me.🫤 My parents were also impressions manages galore then I married/divorced a person just like them😢 Now I see ex doing the same thing with his new supply. Glad I’m not her.💪🏼

[@OaklandMind]

Reasons: 1) impress you! convert you into their narcissistic supply / manage your image of them. 2) confabulation! Create versions of short stories which they don’t actually recall. 3) support grandiosity or shared fantasy of “perfect” sense of self! Speech that elevates them in hopes you believe it too. 4) manipulation! To get you to do their bidding, cater to them, provide for their wishes. WOW YOU DESCRIBED THE PERSON IN MIND PRECISELY! I’m shook!

[@silverlining5796]

Absolutely. Problem is that others around you don't see it, don't "hear it"

[@whynot5846]

Oh yes you so right.

[@Deder111]

They think there wonderful .

[@in_vino_veritas7938]

True

[@silverlining5796]

@@whynot5846 I really wish I wasn't. Sad truth

[@lesam.colvin1795]

Yes......I look beyond their words.... Their INTENTIONS are what you need to learn in order to protect yourself.

[@Estebar33]

i remember when she pointed out to me that i was paying too much attention to details to the how and why.

[@Krlowanigu-mg6eg]

@Estebar33, she noticed you were acting up and resisting the bs

[@Estebar33]

Yeah she preferred when I was compliant and unaware of her bs. Her facial expressions were betraying her and i could spot the inconsistencies and incongrueties. She knew i was on to her.

[@musicfundi]

Like when they first meet you, roping you in with sweet words....

[@kimm59]

I've noticed this since I was a kid I never could understand why they could never come out and say what they wanted what they needed or what they meant it always was a manipulated conversation with some other support system

[@caramcculley4640]

My narcissist ex never revealed anything about his past that was personal, the "how I became who I am" portion of getting to know someone. One time I asked him if he had a pet growing up. He said, "I don't know". Later he came up with a story about a dog, but no stories about the dog. I never have heard of such a person.

[@CH-in8dm]

The narc I unfortunately married..... told me stories about his dog.... funny how many times his stories had completely different endings Made me notice all his stories when he repeated them had multiple different endings...... I ended up realising if his lips were moving, he was lying

[@Ljubica-de3bz]

One minute he insults me and pushes me away, next minute he wants to see me...Why is that?

[@LuanaKoch]

That s called power play. He wants to see you suffer because thats his healing. Don t fall for his trap otherwise you will drown too. Seek helped and speak to people about it ❤ and of course NO contact!

[@kimmiller4105]

There is another woman he seems to have affection for. He knows I know this and he admits it. He always asks, "why don't you two start talking?" Why don't you hang out again?" Always saying things like this to get us together so he can see her without doing it behind my back. I don't get it.

[@ph-vf5hx]

You let him

[@oachie8862]

I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you and anyone that has experience a Narcissist. The “trauma bond” is the worst. They are actually messing with chemicals in your brain. Hippocampus and Amygdala ( fight or flight). The trauma bond reminds me of a frog that is slowing being boiled. I remember becoming so exhausted, while the narc lived rent free in your head. I lost myself, I felt brainwashed. I stopped dreaming, the brain fog was off the charts, cold chills, blood pressure changed, startled so easily, irritable and telling myself that I want off this rollercoaster, but had this grandiose idea that I will try harder or I need a little more time to make a breakthrough to show the Narc love and consistency can change this person. I was wrong, it changed me for the worse. They select us because we are quality. Yet, they are facade/fake and they study us/you. At first I believe the Narc really likes the person. But, once you harm them by saying something wrong, you will become enemy number one and it only gets worse. You might not say anything wrong, yet they take it as if you were attacking them. You are quality and deserve so much better. It is hard because myself and others fell for what we thought was our perfect person only to realize this individual is a shell of grandiose ,self promoting, entitled individual that can’t be alone because they fear their own silence. My best suggestion if possible run and don’t look back or talk to a person who specializes in Narcissistic behavior, ect. My heart and prayers go out to you.

[@shweta703]

He seems like a person with BPD

[@karlippo]

What you say in the last two minutes wow- “the narcs manipulation is unconscious and not premeditated, but that of the psychopath is- and its cunning scheming cold and calculated”. This is what made me realise I am (and hopefully soon was) dealing with a psychopath. Thank you

[@metamorphic8]

Be Safe Be Strong Be Love Wishing all the very best in very way. I sure hope you’ve got support to get out - asap - & stay out - safely 💗

[@lulumoon6942]

👉Can confirm this. My Narc father GENUINELY had no memory of the stories and lies he gave, it was a PTSD type response. Screwed up my reality compass for DECADES!

[@1stBorn538]

Mine too...He couldn't get any of his stories right

[@oachie8862]

I believe they are giving you their playbook in segments of how they truly feel and think. I also think it helps them relieve negative thoughts by doing it in a coded or covert way because they feel superior to their sources. My covert Narc wanted to gauge my level of sharpness and/or ability to see how fast I caught onto the comments from day 1 of the relationship to the end via how I responded. Ultimately, I believe it gives them sense of dominance over their source(s).

[@mobwatch8119]

"Jokes" form part of this, as in them admitting what they're doing, but in a seemingly jovial, at times self-deprecating manner. My ex used to say "how are you still with me; I treat you like shit", or "I've got to keep you on your toes; you're getting too comfortable". These were said in a jovial, therefore seemingly unserious manner; however, they described his actual daily behaviour.

[@mobwatch8119]

@@NotDone-bt2hz Exactly.

[@nattie911]

The crazy things they say in a positive or neutral tone is so confusing. I think he was testing mt boundaries too to see how I would take and what he could get away with. Only 6 months with him, but have been single for 8 years

[@thesoundpurist]

“Good luck” are the most relevant words. It’s always dangerous to have an individual with high PD in your surrounding. On financial, personal or physical level.

[@user-yi8cs5sb7f]

my narcissist ex always tells me that I am a shameless child, I am uncontrollable and therefore everything is always my fault. and I was just tired of listening to him. I felt like he was trying to pierce my brain. at one time I was very scared when he synchronized with me and began to speak out loud my momentary thoughts

[@mdlind7478]

True they have anger outbursts due to their inflated ego and blame others instead of themselves. They are self righteous

[@1stBorn538]

Sounds like they were projecting

[@Dethian666]

Narcissists never communicate only manipulate then praise for there own recognition if they still have control or not over you, push pull always becomes push to shove use and abuse

[@stardust1593]

My sister in law looks for information to use to criticise us behind our backs so she can manipulate her position and how she looks to other family, friends and community! Are we getting a pool, who wanted the pool and who didn’t, what furniture are you buying and why, and on and on. Then will bad mouth me and when people meet me they come with that judgement. Quite horrible to me while no one is looking, like not answering me, ringing me to tell me what’s wrong with me, and then tells me I’m too sensitive… put up with it for about 18yrs…. We finally said no more, no contact … been together 27yrs now, she has just contacted our daughter loved bombed her had her up to stay asked her to move in with her and wants her to come on holidays…. We got a 2 hr visit at the end of daughters week long stay as if to say you don’t matter! We give up! 🤷🏼‍♀️ We didn’t react… acted like it didn’t bother us… what ever will be will be.. but it is like watching evil at work!

[@LostSoulSearching]

Suddenly I understand in detail why I believe I am crazy. I understood to a point what is going on but now the explanation of these intricacies - I feel like I now have Hope to break Free. I have no words. Thank you for explaining this to me.

[@malibu-malik]

You can break free. I did . My self esteem and confidence was shit to the ground. I lost my spirit but once I learned about this I've gained so much control over myself. You can do it I promise you. They are weak beings who are terrified of people who fight back So fight for your right to love yourself and be yourself

[@gloriadonahue7241]

I have done this for as long as I can remember. This is second nature to me. All my life other people say that I'm being too nitpicky about every single little word that people say. I need to stop analyzing every single word people say. I knew I was right!

[@beatrice349]

In our first few meetings he repeated back to me what I said. I dismissed it at first but it felt unnatural, mechanical & eerie so I remember googling why a person would mirror speech back like that…I suppose it was hypnosis/entrainment…the rest is a painful and eye opening history. Thanks to a lot of what I learned from Prof. Vaknin I walked away but it has been a long grieving process and I remind myself to just keep going.

[@benkyle76]

Not saying he wasn’t narcissistic, but crisis management are also trained to repeat back because it signifies that you are being heard and that what you say matters. This could have just been part of the entrapment phase of lovebombing?

[@littleblood111]

ive also experienced this weird repeating thing with them

[@critter_paws]

It isn't the same as mirroring. They take the words like they are presenting their own thoughts.

[@collectivemindsunique7945]

Yep, it’s because they have no originality. They steal pieces and traits they admire and think will work. But because they’re not the originals, it can’t be sustained and they scramble for more supply on how to look smart or normal.

[@Loriburnett]

@@critter_pawsyep!

[@shannonbell79]

I recently learned this. They talk at you not to you. And more likely it’s half truths and or to suit them personally. Luckily we use a parenting app only and 99% of this crap o just plain ignore.

[@mobwatch8119]

The tone and emphasis they put on certain words are revealing. I had the most uncanny experience when years later, I had a conversation with a narcissist I had previously conversed with in good faith, as if this were even a possibility. This time, there was no emotion on my part, just observation. It was fascinating. Amusing almost. The attempted manipulation and rewriting history to suit him were so blatant.

[@musicfundi]

It really could be amusing if it's not that sad for innocent people who get caught up in it.

[@SEB78765]

I’ve noticed that narcs will scan your eyes when they first meet you. They don’t stare but will scan your eyes from left to right very quickly for a few seconds. They all do this. It’s like they are looking into your soul. Have you a video about this Dr Vaknim?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for “cold empathy”.

[@etaokha4164]

I am too strong for them to control.

[@musicfundi]

Same here! But it took me a number of years to get here, simply because I'm "a kind" person and always see the good in people.

[@linda7279]

I need to listen to this several times. I know what I went through for over 40 years, but I couldn't put it into words. Im positive he was a psychopathic covert narcissist. .My faith saved my mind and self-esteem in spite of him, but Im still recovering from c-ptsd and physical issues. I'd have been long dead if not for God.....

[@user-dr8sc1gp4z]

So timely! Thank you Dr. Banking. My narc just went on a full psycho event against me. I don’t live with him, so just left the room ( no point in escalating the situation) and haven’t spoken to him since. We’ve been seeing one another about a year and half, he’s looking for me to move in, how much money do I make, etc. Hasn’t worked yet, so I think that’s what it was about. Control, supply, manipulation, etc. Bye , bye!

[@musicfundi]

Run! Fast!

[@ninablessing9350]

This point is absolute gem! The intention behind the speech is where the actual truth lies 🤭 no intended.

[@jennifergibson8566]

Definitely they talk at you!! My husband thinks I should fulfill all his expectations, but criticize everything I do every day.

[@musicfundi]

Learn from this, these videos. If you CAN'T leave, you CAN learn how to live with this, yet, still be happy and be yourself. Remember, THEY are the ones suffering if they realise they can't overrule or manipulate you any longer.

[@jennifergibson8566]

Yes and as my mom gets older and needs more help, taken to more doctors etc, he gets angry at me. I can’t keep up with his demands (household) and her 100%. She is my priority right now, she is getting weaker etc. it seems he gets jealous of the attention going to her. I am a people pleaser so it’s very emotionally exhausting. I’m not going to abandon my mom!

[@someone-oy2ex]

Hello professor, could you please make a video about narcissistic grandparents and how they treat their grandchildren? I have found very little information online about this topic and it’s mostly superficial things that don’t go into details.

[@janisjackson7322]

How about trying to turn your own children against you in an attempt to totally destroy you while wearing the sweetest face in front of everybody else?

[@BradlyNHelm]

This video is one of THE BEST videos on the NPD on KZbin I’ve seen, rising well above the rehash out there.

[@andrescientos]

I talk about my future plans and outlook then the narc brings up the hurt and pains and ailments that they are currently going through.

[@theodorathompson2034]

My ex-husband, now with advanced Parkinson’s, got in touch with our son after disappearing for quarter of a century. His only question about me “is she still alive?” was followed by expressing surprise that my son had “ survived.” Upon hearing I am well and happy, he asked for the return of his family heirloom (he meant a necklace that had belonged to his mother, of little financial value). I couldn’t help but laugh - because sick as he is, after all these years, he still can’t help himself from making the effort to do me a bit of harm.

[@christenedoering7720]

Sounds like he's got his karma in the end great thing you left him.

[@akashiana5251]

My adult son expects flattery from me. That is my role: I must always tell him how marvelous he is and I must always congratulate him. If I don't, he will punish me by not texting me for weeks, and criticizes me terribly, even though we've been living in separate countries for many years now.

[@katiemccormick8846]

@@OxyRay-ms8bm Do you have kids?

[@Loriburnett]

Aka u took the words out of my mouth. And then some..

[@SurpriseMeJT]

Yes, they need to validate their delusional world view, often through getting the validation from others. A lot of my family is like this and unfortunately I was the youngest and had to suffer from this garbage, stunting my academic development I am sure. Luckily I am now gone and every time I see them, maybe once a year at most, I am pretty happy to leave them. Hell, I don't even wish my mom "happy mothers day" because she simply doesn't deserve it.

[@kinsmade--wherecraftsarefa7830]

I've done a ton of research on narcs and this confabulation you speak of is the piece that has been missing for me to get my head around my mother-in-law. She lies when the truth will do, so she's just saying what she thinks will be the most believable. It isn't necessarily believable, but it can never be authentic. She has such a limited number of sentences in her vocabulary that for years I thought she was not a native speaker!

[@googlespyfranchise9089]

Wow, the confabulation bit really struck me! It makes sense- the new narrative needs external validation because somewhere their psyches are unsure of what’s real, some part of them must vaguely remember the denial and the lies.. or at least is aware of gaps, so it needs back up, confirmation. Their memories are a piecemeal quilt stitched together with denial, truth and fantasy all mixed in! It’s so bonkers. Don’t expect rhyme or reason. It’s really sad to think of people so traumatised that they are living a permanently foggy, apparition-filled half real existence. It’s tragic, but they have to seek healing for themselves, you can’t do it for them. I really hope there are more therapists trained in helping people like this. The world needs to heal this.

[@AnimosityIncarnate]

I love your explanation. Reminds me of liminal space honestly....

[@TrinitySmith-cr3zk]

Its like the copycat behaviors they try too become you its very invasive control and they hang around in the becoming a treacherous monster but ita lesson drom the blessings that i am grateful for.

[@thesoundpurist]

Wow, didn’t know about the lack of memory thing.

[@terrakengo]

Can you help us understand why a person who is not a narcissist experiences psychosis, their behaviors look just like NPD? They use DARVO, manipulation, blame-shifting, move goalposts, dehumanize, devalue, etc. I see a total personality shift for some people who experience psychosis, and they end up alienating and hurting everyone around them. One thing that is confounding is that people who have always been able to accept accountability and apologize if they made mistakes, who were genuinely very invested in being responsible and honest with themselves and others, are not able to accept any responsibility for their actions and impact on others when experiencing active psychosis.

[@deniq55]

Just a thought, I'm not an expert or anything, but could it be that they are in a more primal/instinct state? I think a lot of these behaviors come from paranoia and a sense of grandiosity. Like, there are people in psychosis who think they are Jesus come back and they see themselves as the savior of the world and everyone needs to listen to them. Maybe their brain is just trying to survive a mental crisis? In a way, it seems that narcissists are in a constant type of psychosis. When someone is in psychosis they lose their sense of self, become a false self (temporary mental crisis). Narcissists don't have a self; they have a false self. Maybe this is the connection? Also, it's interesting how addicts can become exactly like narcissists while actively using, but many that recover are the kindest, most honest, and responsible people you will ever meet. While at its worst, addiction can consume someone to the point they will do the worst things to get their substance, and then when high or drunk can be such terrible people to those they claim to love. All of these situations are really sad for everyone involved.

[@Excel_In_Life_Faith]

During psychosis a person's mind-body is taken over by entities, hence the NPD-type behaviours. It's spiritual warfare at play.

[@ninjacat508]

Psychotic? Maybe they are psychotic.

[@nattie911]

Psychosis causes a lack of "insight" so ppl may truly not see what's wrong with their behaviour and they may feel everyone else is crazy

[@user-ez5qv7vx3m]

I could give this video unlimited likes! Prof Sam Vaknin is a genius! And that laugh makes me smile every time!

[@leeyaferguson9019]

30 years ago I kicked the backside to the curb. I had the narcissist, I could not spend time with this person. No more!!!

[@1059ification]

Some times a had the feeling the narcisist dont see me...project some other kind of nonsens people over me. Crazy stuff...with the snapshot in his mind 😂😂

[@StrGzr101]

Ka-Bam, Sam! Thank you. Simple tools. Easy to remember. I like how you laid it out here.

[@rturney6376]

1. Impress you 2. Confabulation - memory gaps 3. To support their grandiosity; not listen 👂; lecture; elevate them 4. Manipulation

[@davidparry5116]

I found your understanding of the motives of Psychopathic Narcissists insightful: Thank you.

[@oliviagoldin7737]

It’s usually just verbal diarrhea to threaten and scream, sometimes I feel he just would stand on all four and start barking, salivating and foaming at the mouth, then he just calmly go to bed and hide under covers

[@2gooddrifters]

Mine too. It's bizarre. I have a sleepless night. He snores.

[@Loriburnett]

Omg yes!!

[@swissmaid]

They patronize you, how true is this!

[@phoenixrising1305]

Omg I think this is the first ever time that I’ve heard Sam giggle out loud LOL too funny! 😂

[@musicfundi]

It was so sweet, I really giggled myself...

[@natellan4831]

That is brilliant. I never thought about it. Intentions behind the speech... Why he is saying what he is saying? Thank you.

[@GwennyDove272]

Thank you for this. Best advice concerning narcissism Ive heard. And it has truly helped the capacity for critical thinking in this regard instead of wondering WHY I am feeling this or that.

[@pamelafrancis6086]

God, you explained my narcissist brother to a tee! It's so draining listening to him, because to me the conversation is going nowhere.

[@suzanneblumsky9501]

Sam you helped me many years ago to break free from inside a narcisists world. I had no idea such people existed and was so confused as to what I was doing wrong.

[@Heathen________________172]

I love that. Verbal apotheosis. Got all kinds of people trying to "recruit" as you say.

[@MarcinMaciejewski]

When dealing with a narcissist, you should focus on why they say something rather than what they say. Narcissists communicate with hidden goals, such as trying to impress you, explain their own behavior, or manipulate you. Their speech is a weapon used to manage your impression of them and control you. The key is to analyze the “why” behind their communication: * Are they trying to impress you? * Are they trying to justify their actions? * Are they trying to build you up in a fantasy world? * Are they trying to manipulate you for something they want? By understanding their motives, you can better protect yourself from their manipulation.

[@user-bk7kb2if2b]

You bright my life -daily…

[@IkamiLog]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@AnjeloValeriano]

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

[@elizabethwilliams6651]

Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episode, enough to start working on my mental health.

[@CanberraProtest-dm6hu]

A best friend that can be taken advantsge of 🤣🙋‍♂️ Yep that's me ❤

[@sarahjaye4117]

I'm dealing with a man who seems seems maybd bpd and has covert narcissist traits. Denies thing he has said, passive agression, gaslighting , compliments plus backhanded emails with insulsts, obsessive and says when I have packages at my door, he can see me from and no money move. Blocked emails I can see on phone, knocked and ran upstairs after and put notes under door, bad insomia and he activated and caused ptsd. His fragile ego cant handle me leaving , he hss acted psycho too much and is making my anxiety worse.

[@user-ii3st8yy6v]

Happy Belated Birthday, Professor Vaknin!

[@Susweca5569]

Try this. Get up and walk out of the room. Nothing frustrates a narcissist more than to have no audience at all.

[@KEMST13]

OMG this is spot on! How I wish I heard this decades ago.

[@MarkousMajorSurf]

Its ALL about him!

[@iconsnart]

Wow! This is so helpful, and scares me how gullable i am 😢

[@Joe-hf3cn]

Same.. but have awakened. They were brought into my life to pinpoint my weaknesses & teach me how to be safer, e.g., maintain boundaries. Goes hand in hand with demanding respect 😊

[@iconsnart]

@@Joe-hf3cn Bless, and thank you. I am on the same line, seeing There is growth in The end

[@annettehunter9743]

Very good. Thank you

[@majaanastazijakovacevic3892]

Thank you. You help me a lot.

[@middlemanscaggs]

This is brilliant

[@camir2747]

Another fantastic video!❤

[@chrisalisonjacobs3865]

Genius talk..makes total sense to think about the 'why' rather than the content..thank you Sam

[@elainedent2983]

Excellent, brilliant, thank you

[@irene-jo3qh]

Insightful thank you

[@nomado3650]

This is excellent. Thank you!

[@viktordanilov4277]

Dr. Vaknin, You are the Best,As usual!

[@julietta610]

This is so spot on

[@vengifeugas9348]

Loved this video. So informative. And so true. Everything you say is always right on. !

[@epriedane]

Thank you!!!

[@Joe-hf3cn]

Very interesting, a clinical perspective 🙏