Do You Punish Your Partner? How To Break Toxic Patterns | Russell Brand & Byron Katie

A clip from the upcoming Under The Skin podcast with spiritual teacher Byron Katie - creator of "The Work".
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Produced by Jenny May Finn (Instagram: @jennymayfinn)

[@HumansOfVR]

*_Treat everyone with politeness and kindness, not because they are nice, but because you are. Thank you, Russell, you're a big motivator in my life and an influence in making my own videos

[@randomspeaker6824]

Completely crap

[@Nash4Nashville]

@TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE 2021 Sometimes it's better just to mind our own trees and branches:)

[@kimvannote5024]

@Scott Billingham Exactly

[@redroots3103]

Stop speaking from your ego

[@edclear9215]

All habits are bad habits and cause unnecessary suffering... to all.

[@GingerOMG]

I agree, as long as it doesn't go too far. Never allow abusive situations and relationships.

[@excel04]

Agreed. The essence of what she's saying is in normal relationships, let things blow over, forgive and live in the moment. In codependent and abusive relationships you need professional help to avoid projecting unrealistic (positive or negative) fantasies onto partners and receiving projections from them. There are ongoing patterns in those relationships. Own what's yours by all means - when you know better, do better - but don't take responsibility for baggage that's not yours.

[@alicedoors4826]

@@excel04 but how do you avoid getting taken advantage of or having that behavior keep repeating itself?

[@excel04]

@@alicedoors4826 Long post alert ;-) TLDR - Watch for patterns, get professional help, educate yourself and be kind to yourself as this takes time. 1. Be kind to yourself. You didn't learn these patterns overnight and won't lose them overnight. You're doing the best that you know how to do right now. Ultimately this is a journey of self worth. 2. Keep a journal. Look for patterns in yourself and those your are in relationships with. Ask yourself questions such as, 'What was I thinking, feeling and doing before this (negative event) happened? What was the sequence of events that ran up to it? What behaviours and traits was my partner exhibiting at the time (and even when you met)? What about that do I find attractive?' If you're finding negative behaviour attractive and offering limited boundaries you're going to find things tough. And then when you've had a think, do some yoga and meditation. Don't overthink and obsess. You need to fuel yourself for this journey and create head/heart space for the wisdom to come. 3. Read a ton (podcasts are obviously great too!). There's tons of good people out there but some names that come to mind are Beverly Engel, Melody Beattie and John Bradshaw. 4. Get a new tribe. Surround yourself with people who inspire you. This can be a recovery group or a personal development group. 5. Get professional help. Find a therapist you trust who will help you explore what your patterns and triggers are and who can help you get through the trauma of what you've been through. I personally advocate non-cathartic therapy that ideally includes somatic healing like Somatic Experiencing, NARM, systemic constellation therapy and Gestalt. The Trauma Therapist Project podcast might give you more ideas of what will fit. Good luck!

[@chasbrown256]

Every relationship we are in is some measure of a collision of energies so far beyond our understanding. Be cautious and patient, be open to learn, be contemplative and know that spiritual muscle and growth comes from pushing weight.

[@jaysgamingandbuildsc5533]

I hate that word abusive, its thrown around too much, fyi

[@StealingCookiez]

I received this advice from a drag queen at a nightclub once: "If it won't matter in 6 months, then it's not worth it." It has been a very quick route to forgiveness for me.

[@redvonmunster3731]

Drag queens can often be very wise.

[@serinadelmar6012]

Oh I love that, thanks for sharing.

[@ginavanulzen6681]

That’s great. Sometimes it’s not obvious if you would in 6 months though.... I think we get upset over small things because they are signs of larger things. Asking why a person did something calmly may help determine that.

[@michaeltoddquintal1545]

if it would take 6 months, that would be to long to bare and the problem would have repeated many times, so that the forgiveness would never be and the action of the other would continue to you and others.

[@50aries]

Yes, as long as you are not actually holding on to the emotion that moment created....

[@tannerfranklin2044]

It always seems like your videos always come on the days I need to hear a certain topic. Crazy things

[@JohnnyBravo1878]

Ha so true, I feel exactly the same

[@asmundrdrugina683]

When going crazy means becoming sane, strange things happen. I expirience this too. Who could have imagined it to be like this? All the best!

[@joycewible8816]

I was thinking the exact same thing. I just walked back to the room because I was upset over something my husband said and I didn't want to be near him. Opened my phone and saw this video. Perfect.

[@matthewlewiswilliams6160]

tanner franklin same with me today

[@Vimpertusher]

I agree. It seems like that kind of coincidence is becoming new normal, isn't it?

[@tytoalba6573]

I love how Russell is hanging onto her every word. Mouth open, leaning forward, grabbing hold of the table. Amazing. Whomever captures Russell like that, must be good.

[@JohnKooz]

Going into the subconscious depths and dissolving the toxic source of emotions like guilt or shame is just the typical, every day magic of Byron Katie! I love it!

[@SuperFarrOut]

“Guilt is the food that addiction feeds on.” Very nice.

[@marysusa6985]

OMG, Russell you found my favorite spiritual teacher. I have listened to and been to Katie's events for for the past 12 years. Doing her Work has completely changed how i live. I love you both!

[@sharkesaresexy6849]

Mary Susa I feel sorry for you dear may you find the peace your looking for

[@johnathanholman3600]

💜💜💜🙏🌸

[@BethanyKay]

I just found your Channel Russell, and I love that you have Byron Katie on here! Thanks for expanding the consciousness of the world!

[@elainemagson213]

Oh my goodness! You got Byron Katie! Thank you so much. Her wisdom is extraordinary and needs time and our own humility to assimilate. Her own story is so worth hearing.

[@hayleshardi]

"forgiveness is the ultimate healer" unreal

[@feefee6889]

Hayley Hardiman right when I saw this she said it😲

[@EmpireYellow1]

Hmm, appropriate leveled appropriations by the wrong doer is the ultimate. Make things right first

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Hayley Hardiman, hope you are not with a narc 😈!

[@joannabowers5848]

I came across Bryon via the pages you say you follow on your Chennai Russel. It takes some thinking through and I'm still in the very early stages of understanding, I'd love a new interview with you both. What an amazing way to think.

[@GloriaTorres8888]

Get away from toxic people and don't become a victim because victimism is also toxic...and it can become a codependent relationship.

[@lawrenceduff7368]

see my comments above

[@peripheralvisionarymedia2817]

@Joe Taub Joe Taub is clearly a toxic person.

[@lovebaileymarin]

I AM CRYING. The Work has transformed my life since I discovered it two years ago.

[@IThinkItsForYou]

Mine, too. The world needs this. If you're suffering, you seriously need this.

[@maryelizabeth2788]

Bailey Hugo 🙏🙏🙏🙏😀😀😀😀

[@maryelizabeth2788]

Bailey Hugo you did the work !!!! you changed your life. thank you for being you!!!

[@damienholland8103]

Oh yeah? Well, I just dropped by here a few seconds ago and have been working on trying to cure depression / borderline within myself for a long time and nothing works. Just looked at her website about this and this kind of internal dialogue is something I already do when having my worst moods. It does help but it's something I already do. I want a cure.

[@anastasiabeaverhausen.]

@@damienholland8103 I have dealt with depression for years. I have accepted that I need my meds for the rest of my life and that along with therapy, exercising, reading and listening to people like Russell, Eckhart Tolle and Gary Zukov have helped.

[@orbarel3435]

Byron Katie is an universal treasure 🙏❤

[@mamac6582]

So excited for you Russell, to finally meet Katie! Been waiting for this for a long time! Just feel you've now found what you've been looking for... so so blessed! Welcome to The Work!

[@DuchessofCigarillo1]

All the guilt could have been fixed the moment "Stephen" had said something unkind. A simple "Stephen, you hurt me with what you've said" could nullify and correct the situation. Communicate your hurts immediately then guilt has no place to settle. However, open and honest communication between partners can only happen with recognition of wrong doing, ownership to the hurt and the maturity to apologize. It takes work but you can remove toxicity from relationships by nipping negative behavior in the bud. Simply put - don't let negativity stew. Oftentimes people don't realize they are being hurtful or unkind.

[@Nash4Nashville]

True true! Negativity comes from thoughts which come from past experiences. Practice in good times to stop the madness. Stop the thinking. Stop the pain. Try looking at the world through a new lens ....by using a new lens. If we bring all our past experiences to the table everytime we take a bite out of life, we bring fear and/or desire. I love your post:)

[@-TheRealThing-]

"Oftentimes people don't realize they are being hurtful or unkind." oh they know alright.

[@jsharp1701]

Exactly. I thought this was where she was headed. But she is concentrating on grudges and such, which is good. But the root cause of all of it was not setting healthy boundaries and enforcing them.

[@Wapow27]

I’m sorry officer, that wasn’t me who robbed that bank. That was yesterday me. You’ll have to find him

[@grosbeak6130]

Wapow27 affirmative. Yes Byron Katie's philosophy has some serious holes in it which Russell here seems to be swallowing Hook Line & Sinker.

[@apacur]

@@grosbeak6130 If you spoke to her.... you would see that there are no holes in her philosophy. And it's not about avoiding responsibility for something that you did yesterday... or an hour ago... or 10 yrs ago. It's quite the opposite Read and do "The Work".... by Byron Katie. It becomes clear what she is talking about and why.

[@grosbeak6130]

A E you seem to be saying here that Byron Katie and everything that she says is just spot-on. She has her blind spots like everybody else, I don't believe in any kind of perfect guru of any sort. Nobody has all the answers, by this snippet from the whole interview plus what I already know about her by listening to one of her interactions with her playing guru to an apparent follower of her teachings years ago I would say to anybody don't take any "spiritual" teacher or guru figure Hook Line & Sinker. Don't be a follower or a defender, and be open to people who may disagree with some things about Byron Katie. She's not the goose that laid the golden egg when it comes to having all the answers and the only correct insights on a topic she is discussing. Contrary to followers of hers she is not the end all and be all when it comes to the realities of life and death. Now I myself like Alan Watts but I would say the same thing about him and any of his followers.

[@apacur]

@@grosbeak6130 1. I am not saying believe her or anyone hook line and sinker. Far from it. 2. Have you actually done any of "the work" (that's what name she gave to a series of internal questions we can always ask ourselves...in any situation.... Or... Have you just listened to her for a an hour or just read a few lines about who she is and what she does and come to your conclusions.... without even personaly testing or experimenting within your own life and your own self with what she is saying ?

[@grosbeak6130]

A E you are the Byron Katie promoter aren't you? What she terms the "work" was not coined by her at all and she'll admit to that. Are you aware of all of this? Please reference Wikipedia: The Fouth Way. Please read the first paragraph there very carefully and it will become clear to you. The "work" is a spiritual psychoanalytical internal process or path of which I attended a couple of meetings on back in the day. Byron Katie is also influenced by her peculiar reading of the Bhagavad Gita and Hindu non-dual advaitic philosophy. What she does is just simply combine this with her own form of human psychology. There is a teacher that I prefer above and beyond her and he has numerous videos on KZbin here. His name is Rupert Spira.

[@martinaradic9721]

What a,beautiful Lady with light in her eyes.Russel is embracing every word and conecting gently,loved it

[@studiocelestedesign]

Whenever Byron Katie speaks I always want to shout out, "yes, and there are ALSO crucial things called healthy Boundaries." Which I believe are absolutely necessary whenever we are connecting to another human. Boundaries with others + gorgeous inner honesty with ourselves = a beautiful place to be. But I don't see a happy psyche or a happy experience without the two together. I appreciate that she has us think a bit more on compassion though. x

[@MultiLover9977]

Studio Celéste she doesn‘t say you can‘t have boundaries. Her approach is more like „do the work until you love them. That doesn‘t mean, you have to be with them.“

[@sophistpig]

Somewhere I heard or read BK say that boundaries are an act of selfishness. But I personally think she means something a little bit different with that comment. Her well-known teachings on understanding whose "business you're in" supports the idea of boundaries as you are talking about them. She always presses people to clarify whether the issue at hand is "my business, your business, or God's business." That's essentially boundary-speak.

[@misscleo378]

If a person is willfully passive aggressive and looks at you as a threat, being kind to them won’t change their behavior, they will only think of you as doormat. Some people in this world are just assholes and should be avoided. Don’t waste your precious time on this earth with people who are soul sucking.

[@jenmcintyre9845]

Took the words outta my mouth. We are literally training people how to treat us by what we allow. I wanted to ask her about this. Often when empaths continuously show compassion, toxic people who have no limits to what they will take from people for personal supply, view empaths as weak. The kinder they are, they more they forgive, the worse the toxic person will perceive them and treat them. I appreciate what she is saying only for relationships that are already ' vetted' and safe.. like your husband or kids etc.

[@DanetteHaworth]

Forgiveness is a healer. But if a spouse is continuously unkind and sarcastic no matter your response, divorce can be a healer, too

[@davidhenderson5051]

haha Bravo!

[@vendersige6735]

Ive seen your videos Russell Brand and I wouldn't be alive today without them, thank you so much for you being yourself and helping the world, just like everyone is to truly do.

[@cristinaserafini]

I don't understand this philosophy of not letting anything get to you and just thinking you've created it in your mind... it is a healthy thing to do only when the action that has hurt you was done by someone you will not see again, but in relationships, that's just the recipe to gaslighting. If someone close to us does something bad to us, it is very unhealthy to try and think it was all in our head. Being happy and illuminated has nothing to do with living in denial, we should still be aware and grounded and address what is done to us by others.

[@karenjenkins201]

Sometimes showing anger and seeing anger in others helps to unify too though. After all it is just another method of communication. This has been interesting listen to, but I do not think we all sit humming at the same endless still frequency. Some of us have a different kind of energy and to nullify it by avoiding confrontation would be like censoring myself.

[@MultiLover9977]

Karen Jenkins I think it depends on what you‘re believing. Just 10 minutes ago, I was walking outside, ranting in my head about a guy, imagining scenarios when I‘d tell him how horrible I think he was behaving towards me etc. then I went to get ice cream, I met a girl I know, we had a short conversation and suddenly I was back in reality, noticing how all my anger and pain just disappeared as soon as I stopped thinking about it... That doesn‘t mean, I‘m not still bothered by his behavior, but now I don‘t want to yell at him anymore because I know he is not the cause of my suffering. My suffering disappears as soon as my thoughts stop. And he has also been the kindest and loveliest person to me sometimes and simply yelling at him for the few times I have interpreted his actions in a not-nice way would be very unfair.. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@coppersense999]

What you are describing is how CBT descibes our experience of emotions in general. That is: our thoughts create our feelings, or our interpretation of events. However how we choose to act or our attitude about forgiveness or wrongdoing is under our control, same as our thoughts are.

[@shanadimitrov4041]

I think that you’re right, sometimes confrontations need to be had but how feelings are interpreted and expressed can be either constructive or destructive depending on our choices. Leaning into the anger rather than working through it will most definitely be destructive...it’s hard to do for sure.

[@lawrenceduff7368]

(continued) My comment: There is much 'spiritual bypass' in the name of wisdom, and it has the potential of being very destructive, even lethal because when the false quick fix wears off, as it will at some point, the trauma survivor can be so devastated and overwhelmed by the bypassed, unacknowledged pain that they are in danger of killing themselves for real. It has happened in real life. I wanted to share with you what first raised alarm bells with Katie. One of my first times hearing her she responded to a caller into a radio show, who said he had been abused as a child. Cutting him off she said, “No you weren’t”. Of course she had some turnaround’ that conveniently (for her) changed that reality to something else. More from my comments on Jeff Brown’s post: But, it’s very important to critique these kinds of teachers and teachings out because, though some may benign, and have some benefit for some, some of them do great damage, that isn’t always immediately apparent. It takes some real discernment to see through some of these damaging teachings that become part of the culture, even in the case of Byron Katie, actually take us backwards as a culture in our growth and understanding, in a real way that has real consequences for real people’s lives. Byron Katie has an agenda, unconscious maybe, a major ‘spiritual bypass’ (using spiritual concepts to avoid the reality of painful feelings) that is in a real way (but maybe not apparent on the surface) hostile to real emotional healing, which requires us to become more present in a loving way to our real emotional pain, our wounds, that have really shaped, and are still affecting our lives. A few quotes from her Facebook page that were even reposted later: “Victims are violent people” “All sadness is a tantrum” My response on her quote ‘Victims are violent people’ on her FB page a few years back: To feel anger, even rage in response to an extreme violation (rape, violent physical assault, especially on a child), when someone has been victimized for real (yes, Katie, and Katie minions/ believers, it’s a real thing, not just a projection, or mistaken perception, a result of ’believing our thoughts’, ‘believing our story') is appropriate, even necessary part of the process to gaining back one’s power that is stolen from one from that kind of experience, which leaves one with PTSD (a real thing that the Work doesn’t begin to address and really heal), whether one likes it or not, not from ‘believing your thoughts’, or ‘your story’. These powerful feelings can be allowed to express in a healthy, non destructive way, ideally as a spontaneous expression, not forced hitting objects (pillows, etc.), ‘getting out feelings’ (but could be preferable to keeping it locked up inside, or a way of starting accessing those feelings, which can be buried), but allowing the feelings to flow spontaneously, in a safe setting; the true sounds, movements, energy expressing the way they need to. A process, not a simplistic solution. Very important; to feel the feelings around the experience of true victimization is not being ‘violent’. If a person does not get a chance to process those real feelings, in a healthy way, they might be prone to acting them out violently, physically or emotionally, verbally on themselves or others. If a person is hurting themselves physically or emotionally, verbally, or by their thinking, self talk, they need compassion, not this kind of judgmental, black and white, completely lacking in real understanding statement. If she wanted to initiate thought and discussion about how someone who is victimized, if not healed, or healing from the effects of that victimization, can act it out on themselves or others, she could have done that. The need is not for a stupid, simplistic, black and white statement like this, but for compassionate help for real survivors of real victimization to be able to process their feelings, to heal and have a better chance not to act it out in a destructive way. One of my responses to the 'All sadness' quote: My God, what 'spiritual bypass' bullshit! For God sake, please look deeper into your denial of real human feelings. You are doing great damage to people suffering from the reality of loss, and how to heal from this real human experience. She is a very sick woman who has effectively dissociated from some trauma of her own (my opinion, observation), and is somehow seen by many who do not understand themselves and are looking for a quick fix, as ‘enlightened’ and getting people to give her money. Jeff’s quote about the Nazis is just more of the same, if you have eyes to see, ears to hear, and be appropriately disturbed by it. Another of my Jeff Brown comments: She is a master 'victim shamer'. And people who have survived the real experience of victimization, swallow it and believe it, because they are not healed enough to be solidly grounded in their own real intuitive perception of what's true/real, and can gravitate to a victim shamer. (another person’s comment) wait... you forgot “my rapist is my guru”, that is classic BK (And I added in an attempt to be fair, acknowledge what could be helpful, if not used to disconnect, turnaround the reality of the pain of trauma) And, we do sometimes have a conscious narrative that may not be aligned with real reality, and doesn't serve us. It's a nuanced subject, that she doesn't begin to address, goes in the opposite direction. Hope this wasn't overkill, just thought/truth provoking/eye opening.

[@marierose6792]

I am so glad to hear this. My past is not a "Way of seeing it". The horror of it is not Relative to my perspective. It is imperative to acknowledge it, truly, even though it is painful , as a first step.

[@lawrenceduff7368]

@@marierose6792 Yes!

[@lawrenceduff7368]

@@inescruzada What you are describing, and what Katie is introducing to people is what has been called 'spiritual bypass', which is using spiritual ideas, concepts to bypass real feelings connected to trauma. It's completely understandable because no one wants to acknowledge the pain connected with trauma, but as the concept implies, is just bypassing the real feelings, but the effects of trauma don't just go away. Real compassionate support is needed, by a therapist or practitioner, and for ourselves if we are survivors of trauma. Katie is about victim shaming and denial, in the name of enlightenment and healing. It will leave people blaming themselves and absolving abusers. I could have shared/written much more about her.

[@lawrenceduff7368]

@@inescruzada I think you expressed something that is aligned with the kind of thing that Katie teaches that is not true, and ends up deceiving people (not that you, or even Katie necessarily are consciously trying to deceive people). I'm speaking about, addressing trauma pain, which is not, as Katie teaches dependent on whether we 'believe' ('believing concepts') in it or not, it simply is, and is caused be an overload of pain, and ends up being stored and causing all kinds of problems, even death later (usually emotional, but can be physical as well). I had terrible trauma that drove me nearly to starve myself to death in my early twenties. I had no conscious memory of the primary trauma experiences that happened as a toddler, and had no conscious beliefs or thoughts about it, but it nearly killed me. Fortunately I survived, and later got into a kind of somatic therapy that slowly began to bring those experiences and the unbearable pain, to the surface to be processed. The original trauma, and it's effects had nothing to do with language or beliefs, it lived inside of me until I was ready to face it. If by "Katie of course is in the same predicament" you meant that she has trauma pain too, I agree. But she does not acknowledge the reality of trauma and it's effects (her own, or others), and instead offers a quick fix that avoids dealing with the reality of it, and what makes her more dangerous is that she shames people for acknowledging trauma, and has them even blame themselves for other's abuse. She is hostile to the reality that trauma exists, and can't just be bypassed by 'turning it around', or other ways of dismissing it, or blaming ourselves as the cause of other's abuse, "How does that make you feel when you believe those thoughts" (that you were abused). There are a lot of teachings out there that it's appropriate to say, "Whatever works for you", that are relatively benign, but some are deceptively destructive, but masquerade as benign, or even 'enlightened', and somebody needs to call them out for what they are, even if the teachers or their followers don't like it.

[@lawrenceduff7368]

@@inescruzada Yes, she wants to make money, but when you make money by deceiving people, offering false quick fixes, when you make money by shaming people who have been victimized because they try to acknowledge and come to terms with their trauma, and defend abusers, even sexual abusers of children, that is morally, spiritually despicable. Trauma is not language. Trauma is stored pain that has destructive effects on people's lives. It doesn't exist because of language, but because of wounded people acting out their wounds on others, or maybe just from an event that was too painful to bear while it was happening. It matters that we use language to speak truth about these things. Language is words we use to either speak truth, because truth matters, or to deceive for personal motives that might even be unconscious. Best wishes to you, Ines.

[@yogasoulsurf2802]

So is she ultimately saying that her husband bears no responsibility for what he initially said to her? I just cannot see how that is a healthy route to take, "let your husband say what he wants to you and accept that he is not the same person the next day" is like saying forgive a criminal for what he did yesterday as they're not the same person today. Surely the husband would need to acknowledge his errors and look to evolve as a person instead of being enabled to act as he pleases towards others?

[@theplantdiaries7096]

Hayley Bulman Hayley Bulman I think what she is saying is using an aggressive tactic, or passive for that matter, to make someone feel bad about something they did previously to hurt you is not only an ineffective strategy to make that person understand why you feel hurt, it also ultimately leaves you feeling bad because the person who hurt you isn’t connected to that action anymore. The only way to healthily address someone hurting you, if you wish to hurt them too/make them feel how you are feeling, is to tell them directly *in the moments after they’ve caused you harm* that what they’ve done to you is not ok and that they have hurt you. In those moments they still carry the mental state that hurt you- you are directly interacting with the totality of what hurt you. It’s not always safe to lash out someone for hurting you. Her example was rather tame and in a situation like that, where she chose not to speak up immediately, talking about how the event made you feel the next day *in a civil manner* is honestly going to be the only way to make that person reconsider how they’ve treated you because they will be forced to either a)acknowledge what they’ve done to you is wrong and apologize or b)deny that they hurt you and escalate the situation further until you’re both in a mental state where you *both* know why exactly you are angry at each other at least. If you don’t think you can talk about the situation with the person who caused it then that’s probably a sign the relationship should not be and that you should leave it. (Fear of retaliation). You will never feel good about trying to harm someone (being passive aggressive, etc) because that person who hurt you probably isn’t thinking about your feelings or how they hurt you if they are going about their day in their normal cheerful ways. They’ve clearly forgotten about the situation. If a dog shits on your floor and you don’t get angry/ react to its misdeeds *immediately* and choose to try to enact some some form of passive punishment for it later (ex. not cuddling it) or aggressive punishment later (hitting or yelling at it) it will never make the connection as to why you are mad at it. It will just think that what ever it is doing *now* is what is causing you to react in such a way, causing it to never make the right connection and you to feel bad about causing anguish in your pup because you can more easily recognize the dogs confusion at your attempts for justice over that of a humans. Most humans aren’t that self aware either, if they didn’t apologize immediately they probably don’t know what you are feeling and don’t feel like they need to say anything to you. To summarize: be direct, address problems as they come up, or at a later date by stating exactly how someone who hurt you made you feel and what it was exactly that hurt you. Don’t be passive aggressive or outright aggressive towards someone who has hurt you because people are thick most of the time/not mind readers, which doesn’t make you feel any better because you’re not solving the problem or addressing the problem and the person you’re directing your anger towards will not understand your frustration and maybe come to resent you too.

[@MarinusHage]

No you don't understand. You have not control on what others do, but you have control on your own state. So do what you can control and what you cannot control you should accept it. If you don't accept you will live in resistance to life, that is definitly not a peaceful and joyfull way to be.

[@yogasoulsurf2802]

@@MarinusHage Thansk for your reply. I do undertsand, i just do not agree with the concept of letting someone speak to you however they please. Healthy communication is the key!

[@MarinusHage]

@@yogasoulsurf2802 yes as far as we can control, but the other person has a free will and we cannot control everything.

[@yogasoulsurf2802]

@@MarinusHage i'm not suggesting that we have to "control" anything ? I'm not sure where you have misunderstood that from. I'm suggesting that each individual should learn self awareness and evolve.. (especially within a loving marriage) that you can not openiy discuss the rights and wrongs of healthy communication....

[@joshuapotter9575]

Oh my god. Your worlds have collided. This is amazing. I’ve loved her for years

[@PimpinWitch]

“All you believe me to be is all your ever going to have of me” I ❤️ this!

[@briantownsend8]

i wrote this one down.

[@PimpinWitch]

Same, I plan on reading it out to my therapist who keeps telling me I don’t want to change.

[@RobinApplewood]

Good advice. I would like to offer some added perspective. I was recently in a long relationship where I was constantly being forced to apologize, so I would, until I realized the other person had mental health issues and was using my kindness and openness to manipulate and control me. We also need to stand up for ourselves and speak up for our feelings/needs, establish boundaries and hold others accountable when they are out of integrity.

[@Country-Gal-at-Heart]

Guilt eats away at your Inner self because you have empathy. Psychopaths and sociopaths have no guilt... They are in it for only themselves. A bit like a blood sucking leech. Next time you feel guilty, don't beat yourself up over it, just do whatever it is to make things right again. Thanks for another great video ~🌻~

[@aztlanmerlin]

I like your style

[@MK-fy8uz]

thanks for this Lynette!

[@space.youtube]

Guilt is the triumph of selfishness over empathy. It is not a virtue, it is your penance.

[@joseorozco-valdivia3328]

Plus Steven needs to be held accountable for his actions so you had the right to give him the look

[@Country-Gal-at-Heart]

@@joseorozco-valdivia3328 The real reason for "the look" was not justified. The example used was not from a real situation that had actually occurred. I kinda feel bad for Stephen lol.

[@dimatadore]

I don't think it's insane to still feel hurt from yesterday and still feel resentment about it today. I guess we can say we should instead communicate on the moment.

[@iamloveabundance4102]

I think what she means is that if you don't work through the way you feel about someone, the feelings will repeat over and over. Injuring yourself over and over. That is insanity. It takes a special person to truly forgive simply because they just want to be happy. The good news is that we're all capable of it.

[@doda-os3bp]

​@@iamloveabundance4102 but you can't keep forgiving if someone keeps doing you wrong, you have to stand up for yourself and tell them what they've done is wrong so they can stop doing it

[@tokorirosting8361]

Hold on a minute.......Who addressed Steven when he spoke to you in an ill manner. Bloody hell a narcissist would have a field day with this kinda thinking😝🤔🤔

[@misscleo378]

I was thinking the same thing. This advice is for people who are in a emotionally and mentally healthy relationship dynamic. Narcissists will zoom in on your perpetual kindness and see a weakness they can exploit.

[@christineklutts3082]

that is what I thought too.

[@katjames7601]

I am familiar with Byron Katie but this 6 minutes snippet was very hard to follow her without hearing the whole podcast.

[@Degjoy]

The Work found me on July 24th 2015. It transformed me into a more peaceful human being. Blessed be!

[@oksanaml9279]

If you want to know more about The Work, Katie has a lot of videos on KZbin also on her website I believe and she's written two books...my favourite is Loving What Is. Her story is remarkable. This is shadow work; her 4 questions are very simple but not easy. It can be transformational

[@sharkesaresexy6849]

O Mulyk no we don’t but thank you for being a carbon clone of Katie’s and contributing nothing unique of your own to the world. Have a great day 👍🏻

[@oksanaml9279]

@@sharkesaresexy6849 passive aggressive much? Why are you so angry? Who hurt you?

[@angelocean5556]

@@oksanaml9279 another hate spewer 🤮🤢

[@bsimpson639]

Sharkes are Sexy is a troll. Trolling everyone who likes and has been helped by Katie.

[@angelocean5556]

@@bsimpson639 BEST THING IS TO IGNORE PEOPLE LIKE THIS AND FEEL SORRY THAT THEY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH THEIR TIME AND LIFE. SAD REALLY XX

[@melissaelliott2966]

You don't need to be unkind to someone who has been unkind to you BUT you most certainly can address the situation and not just brush it under the rug.

[@doda-os3bp]

i dont quite understand what she means, so she is supposed to let it go and not tell him that something he said hurt her? how is that healthy

[@davidhenderson5051]

Nope, I don't either!

[@krystalvernier8047]

Yeah that's kind of what confused me too

[@wandering_dreamcatcher]

It's not healthy! What about teaching boundaries and talking about the behaviour that is unacceptable and hurtful! She's too airheaded

[@alicedoors4826]

People claim she changed their lives...

[@slivertoe]

I have healthier boundaries after using this work. Questioning my thoughts about a person's harmful behavior doesn't make me blind or passive to the behavior. If anything, it gives me a clearer mind from which to deal with it constructively, which certainly doesn't mean just doing nothing if I think the situation requires some kind of action. But obviously, no one could be expected to glean all of that from this tiny little interview snippet. I figured it out by actually using her method.

[@sanahasnain8031]

😺Omg this is so awesome! I just bought her books last weekend! Can’t wait to watch this! Love your show Russel🤗

[@alysonmena2587]

I really needed to hear this. I've been struggling with this.

[@RawkingPower]

wow, I was just going to suggest for you to make a video with our lovely Byron Katie. What an amazing surprise! Thank you so much!!! ❤️

[@myfanwejo788]

Omg I love this! Can't wait for the full interview! 💖 X

[@wbrown3907]

So if my partner is mean to me and I'm still hurting the next day, I need to apologize to them for not living in the moment?

[@MarinusHage]

It is not that you should, it is more that it will help you to forgive yourself. It has more to do with yourself than with the other.

[@expectingthebeach2368]

thats hilarious 😆

[@le8971]

She says that because her husband is super nice and she never had experienced this verbal abuse.

[@ChrisTian-uw9tq]

Timing of this... spot on... i am looking forward to catch the full session.

[@Jesse-fk3xc]

would love to see Paul Hedderman on the pod. he has a fresh approach to the 12 steps in conjunction with nonduality

[@bsimpson639]

Jesse Absolutely!

[@TheSurfingCat]

It's a real shame you won't be publishing the full interviews on KZbin anymore. I personally find audio only podcasts much harder to enjoy and I have very limited resources at the moment so I won't be following you on the Luminary path. I have really enjoyed watching the interviews you have published to date, so I thank you for all the knowledge, wisdom and joy it has given me. We're visual and social animals, so I think video is the stronger medium for interviews, especially if you want to promote peace, harmony and cooperation.

[@AenLu]

He is uploading the full video once the podcast is online as well. Just be patient.

[@TheSurfingCat]

@@AenLu On the last full interview posted to the channel there was a message saying it would be the last one (apart from clips).

[@benbishop1131]

I love Byron's style of skeptical thought in the form of self analysis. Remarkable woman. Looking forward to the long interview.

[@mina0012]

Yes, I'm left wanting more, certainly.

[@KristySI]

I love Byron Katie! Thank you Russell. You always have the best guests! I love you both🤘🤘🤘

[@BigBawller3000]

I really needed this today! I work at 12 step program and it has truly changed my thinking. Although, I am still human and I have a good "forgetter"! Listening to people like you two help to remind me and bring me back to reality.

[@avaschannel1754]

On point once again. 🙌🏻 I look forward to these daily videos. 💯

[@Nancy31ox]

I'm so happy to see that you did a podcast with Byron Katie, I just squealed.

[@victorialinville3633]

Thank you for doing what you do Russell. You are loved. Blessings to you and yours!

[@aarikabrown6670]

So does the partner ever recognize there behavior of what caused this whole situation in the first place? Yes she released her guilt but she didnt do anything to prevent him from doing what he did again.

[@DaarkDestiny]

I absolutely get what your saying. And it's what I said right off the bat! But I think what she's getting at is that we can't control other's actions, thoughts and emotions. All we can do is address the situation within ourselves first. And I personally think that issues like that should be addressed immediately! Not argued about, really. But addressed. And if your partner is abusive, or says hurtful things on a regular basis, and when we address the situation it does nothing to solve the matter. Then it's time to reevaluate whether or not you should be in a relationship with that person. But do everything you can do to act with integrity, not out of spite or anger. That way you have no conflict inside yourself. Also, you'll understand whether or not your expectations are realistic and fair. Or whether your expectations hinge on you being right, or having the upper hand. Each person's expectations of our partners are completely different. So it wouldn't hurt to have a conversation about what your expectations, and his expectations are. So the narrative of the story can be changed for the better. Whether that means staying together and working things out, or separating.

[@alicedoors4826]

Right? Like I know I can only control my behavior and no one else's and im sure she'd recommend a sensible sit-down and discussion but since when does that always work? Especially if the other person is just an asshole.

[@brianadlich4406]

She may be referring to something she took as a slight, but was not the intention.

[@DaarkDestiny]

@@brianadlich4406 I suppose that might be what she's saying. I'm not sure because she wasn't clear lol. But I know it's hard to come up with examples right off the top of your head lol.

[@MarinusHage]

But that is out of your control, its about controlling your own state. You cannot always control the situation, but you are 100% in control of your state of being.

[@tanjai.1503]

Well done, thank you so much! ❤️

[@inlonging]

Guess I would need to hear more of this for it to make sense. I’ve lived with habitual abusers, and their most common practice is to wake up the next day pretending they never did anything. The abuse is the elephant in the room. Just pretend everything is ok and happy and cheerful and you never know when it’s gonna break and they’ll hurt you again. Of COURSE such a person is treated warily and I wouldn’t feel guilty for that at all. Self preservation; it’s human nature to learn from past experience and to act like there’s two of them (the past abuser and the current cheerful morning waker) is dangerous.

[@kellybunn1]

Thanks for this one! I'm doing an art therapy course on Forgiveness, and this popped up. The serendipity is not lost on me. Looking forward to watching it in its entirety.

[@AnimaltestedLoveapproved]

Love these they hit to the core.!! Forgiveness is so important and to mean it whole heartedly. Thankyou😊❤💖

[@WonderingAboutThat]

I love how she is able to see things so clearly. It's very inspiring.

[@arthurtrauer5684]

Oh, life is so beautiful when you’re healthy and rich. It’s just that easy.

[@kerch-e]

Hey, Russell. Thanks for the video. Keep em coming.

[@etienneforget6502]

simple fact of reality: DONT DO TO OTHERS WHAT YOU WOULDNT WANT DONE TO YOU. if you do... suffer the consequence .

[@LovinglyStonedProd]

Russell, A really good 6min 40 sec edit with Katie. Thank u bro.

[@lawrenceduff7368]

(continued) Someone’s comment in response to her quote, “Victims are violent people”. I might have worded it differently, but thought his response was mostly right on. The scene depicted with this little boy, being abused, likely has to to do with what is called 'trauma bonding', in which a victim repeatedly returns to their victimizer, having created an unhealthy bond. I experienced this as a child and as an adult until I was able to break the pattern: One moment, you can't know anything and can't judge anyone. And the next, you can omnisciently declare that, 'Victims are violent people.' Katie, you have been drinking your own cool-aid way too long. You and your followers may believe you are a sage with wisdom for the ages. But sometimes you are clearly WRONG. Another case where you are clearly wrong is when you espouse the view that parents are to basically allow their kids to BE -- as they are. That's the worst parenting advice anyone could ever give or receive. In your audiobook, Loving What Is, you tell this story: "I watched two little boys,same age, five months apart. I watched them part of yesterday. And one of them has so much energy that he'll take things, his fist or objects, and he'll hit the other little guy; and he's the larger one, and he'll hit this other littleguy. And the little guy will cry and cry, and get up and want to be with him again, over and over and over. And then this morning, the little guy with all the energy left, and the other little guy is there this morning. And I said, 'Sweetheart, do you love your cousin?' He says, 'Yes.' I said, 'Does he hit you a lot?' And he said, 'Yes, he fights and he hits me.' And he was so happy. Imean he just loves it. So I could step in and say, 'Oh, hitting is wrong. It's not nice.' And then he'd go, 'Mmm, le'me see.' And it changes his whole love relationship with himself, and the apparent outside world. I'm not the teacherof pain. He's, He's a lover of what is." You not only allowed the abuse to happen with no intervention, but then you seemingly commended the boy for accepting the abuse and even LIKING it -- which ONLY could have happened if the boy had been previously brainwashed into thinking this way, since it goes against all logic and human nature. Your logic is so demented, it is beyond comprehension. What the older boy did might only be level 2 or 3 abuse on a scale of 1 to 10. But what if the older boy decided to take it up a level? What if the older boy caused permanent injury, or molested the younger child, or even killed the younger child? What if an intruder came in and attacked you or the kids? Based on many other statements you've made, you would supposedly choose to 'love what is' even in those circumstances. ACCEPTING unchangeable reality is one thing. Allowing abuse to happen when you have the ability to stop it and prevent it -- especially as a parent -- is at best borderline criminal and atworst outright criminal. Your thinking is flawed. Your teachings are harmful to children -- in that any parent or guardian who believes your lies may allow preventable harm to happen. Kids, of all people, should not be victims of your lies; nor should they themselves be brainwashed by your lies. Parents, guardians, and adults are there to PROTECT kids, and they must intervene whenever necessary. Being a lover of what is -- and leaving what is, as it is -- when you, as a parent or guardian have a MORAL and LEGAL OBLIGATION TO CHANGE WHAT IS, is cowardly and insane. Following your misguided beliefs is equivalent to cult followers allowing their leader to lead them to harm or even death. While some of your teachings obviously help people, mixing in even a small percentage of potentially-damaging LIES with truth causes many people to believe the lies, thinking they can trust the teacher! This can be very dangerous. Victims are NOT violent. Up is not down. Black is not white. And Byron Katie's words and opinions are not necessarily any truer anyone else's. In fact, your words and opinions are often more wrong and harmful than the average person's words and opinions -- especially because you have a large, trusting following of people who hang on your every word! Trying to be profound by contradicting common sense is simply stupidity. If one child is harmed because of the stupidity you teach, then you should stop teaching, or get some counsel to get your thinking straight -- even though you think it's everyone else who's insane! You had a serious break with reality once in your life, and your thinking is still OFF. Don't make other people suffer because you're unwilling to get help yourself. SOME OF YOUR TEACHINGS CAN ACTUALLY HURT PEOPLE -- ESPECIALLY PARENTS WHO ARE NAIVE ENOUGH TO TAKE YOUR WORD AS GOSPEL! Parents and guardians have a job to do, and that is, to PROTECT and TEACH kids, whether you want to accept that reality or not. You need to STOP brainwashing people and indirectly harming kids and other gullible or vulnerable people. PLEASE STOP IT. YOU ARE WRONG.

[@mashalashangry2438]

finally Russell! you did it! my two favorite people together, talking about the Work.

[@theartofintegralbeing]

Oh my goodness! I have been waiting for this! Xxx

[@ericnava5019]

I have to much love for you Russell! Thank you for what you do

[@BartMontalti]

I love Katie! Looking forward to the full podcast!

[@Zarghami]

Boundaries are set early in the relationship. When the toxic behaviour keeps surfacing that's when you have to be consistent and follow through with the consequences. If not... your partner will feel like YOU changed make YOU out as the bad guy!

[@sp-gw7zl]

I totally agree

[@erinoldcoot3381]

That's gaslighting, another form of abuse.

[@Built_By_Bacon]

Russel Brand, I really appreciate this video. I also appreciate your extreme show of respect in this video by just politely absorbing everything she's saying. This video came at the right time in my life because, for the first time, I feel I am truly in a HEALTHY relationship, but I am beginning to feel my old patterns set in... the patterns that drives me apart from previous relationships. I am much more mature and have learned a great deal, but the LAST thing I want in this relationship is to make my partner feel punished. It is my dream to shake my idol's hands one day, and I hope I'm able to shake yours.

[@clarissaavalos8688]

It’s hard for me to apologize about being mad or punishing my partner when I am upset because of something the partner did to hurt me. She said she apologized for being short to him because he was unkind to her the day before. Constantly forgiving for being upset that I’ve been hurt because of my partner is exhausting because they never apologized to me about hurting me in the first place. I hold on to the anger because it’s hard for me to explain my feelings when I first feel hurt.

[@lindamaygregory]

clarissa avalos - I really get that. 💕

[@MsThebadmen]

I'm melting here, seeing Russell chat with Byron Katie. Exquisite. Can't wait for the full video, And can't wait til you catch up with Gangaji.

[@JeSuisMod]

I'm so looking forward to hearing the full version of this.

[@mistiebreeze3469]

more of the byron katie interview please

[@SinnGread]

lady reality is not a construct .. your perspective is... do not get those two thing mixed up... you just have to really own the fact that if something does not add up .. take yourself out of the equation

[@floss202]

Thank you Jon. This line of statement has had me baffled lately. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

[@andycochrane4131]

That reality is not a construct is merely your particular construction of it.

[@alicedoors4826]

hahaha I feel like i'm tripping but gotta put it out there...what is reality? Lol!

[@livb6945]

If you find out more about her you'll understand what she is actually saying.

[@jillswanson8131]

Awesome.

[@NasAfter]

I forgive but don't forget I feel like it's kinda fake, like I'm not really forgiving but rather pretending to be.. Anyone feels the same??

[@seankim9915]

You shouldn't forget. It's life experience. JUST DON'T JUDGE ANOTHER BASED ON ANOTHER. FORGIVNESS IS ACCEPTING YOU. NOT THE OTHER. IT IS OK TO SUFFER FOR ANOTHER BUT DON'T BLAME THEM OR YOURSELF. FEEL IT. FREE IT. BE IT.

[@skjelm6363]

Then you maybe feel you didn't forgive already. For me means "not to forget" to learn from the steps made in the past, learn to avoid in present certain kind of people and to be grateful for that experience to yourself, that now helps you in situations. And yeah, I struggle there too. I think because it is a process that changes in waves. Sometimes a feeling comes up again. It doesn't work like a light switch.

[@emmadavis5633]

My Mum used to say this, but I always felt that in the way she said she wouldn’t forget, she was still holding on to resentment.

[@h4yl3y]

Forgive but dont forget... to make sure you're not in the same specific circumstance that made it so you had to forgive that other persons action

[@L.J_22]

I’m struggling with this because in this scenario - she’s been insulted by her husband and then ended up apologising. Can anyone help me to understand this better?

[@chasbrown256]

Every moment is a new beginning and the universe is what McKenna calls a novelty machine. Those who have the guts to continue interfacing with the emerging novelty, moment by moment, are they not in proper union with God and the universe? God holds on to no unforgiveness toward anyone and leads the way. What a breathtaking, challenging theatre we have been sent to so we can grow and become like those who sent us. We have been sent for this time of the eon and our arrival is not random but an astonishing precision and orchestration of love, growth and emerging order. Thank you.

[@Swansen03]

look up the recent research done on the Inuit people and how they never direct anger towards their children. (necessary for the environment they live in as adults in order to keep it together as a people)

[@dersydiaz2962]

Beautiful! Thanks you so much ❤️

[@chanutraplaa3463]

I love you two together!! great convosations!

[@teresajanesykes3649]

Wow Byron Katie and Russell brand together! Brilliant.

[@anthonypulcini7378]

Wonderful podcast!!!! Fantastic russell!

[@swaddington9399]

Russell thank you for all your regular videos and range of topics and interviews! Seeing this made me hope one day you can interview Esther Perel

[@lowlfi11]

so excited. I bloody love her!

[@maryelizabeth2788]

I love you Russel!!! thank you for being you!!!

[@dilfill]

YESS she is great! So happy these two minds got to meet!!

[@finleyfowkes8915]

Hi Russell. I was wondering if you could do a video to address getting out of the house. I've recently quit my job and since I now have more time I expected to be out with friends more. I've been asked many times but the way I feel is that I don't want to go out and I have been like this for a while. I find the way you explain things is intriguing and understandable to me. Thanks.

[@DanteS-119]

Sounds like not wanting to "get out of the house" is the symptom, not the cause. And, depending on your situation, that may or may not be totally okay! Perhaps some self-exploration is needed to narrow down the topic of your question?

[@jesse9999999]

This really depends on your personality type, but for the times you do choose to see the friends despite not feeling like it, ask yourself - how did I feel after pushing through the flatness? Did my friends' energy improve my mood, or was I more dejected and unenthusiastic as a result? Personally, I find almost every time I make myself go out, I come back more invigorated than I was when I left. For you, some genuine time to recharge the batteries after working hard at your job might be needed. You might also think about finding a different, more satisfying professional journey to complement your social journey - it can be hard to feel social when you don't have a feeling of progress and responsibility in life too. Best of luck :)

[@heidisummer5]

Yeah, but what about Steven apologizing for being unkind in the first place. Each party in any relationship has to pay their fair dues because who ever said forgiveness is the precursor to interaction? ... - standards, people. Please!

[@wandering_dreamcatcher]

Agreed!

[@sharkesaresexy6849]

heidi summer a lot of Katie’s followers are single

[@melissaelliott2966]

Yeah this whole conversation just frustrated the piss out of me.

[@bsimpson639]

Is it our job to hold people to certain standards? It’s a tit for tat world, then? Stephen says something she perceives as cruel...she doesn’t respond maybe out of shock or confusion or pain, whatever...he moves on possibly 14 hours later and has no idea of his transgression... Now what? She gave us a specific scenario, a common one, to illustrate a point. The limitations of the scenario have some viewers up in arms. This reminds me of couples therapy, in which the two are volleying endlessly. The therapist has to stop the volleys at some point, and address each factor as it comes. Let’s all ask her the question you want to ask: Hey Katie? Should I allow myself to be abused? See what she says.

[@cmattbacon7838]

Thank you Russel and Byron

[@tonyagray956]

This is great. Would love to see the whole interview!!

[@latashah1905]

There's info in the dropdown about how we can hear the whole thing Saturday. I'm going to listen!

[@tonyagray956]

Thank you!

[@elflosangeles4020]

I love Katie. Can't wait to hear this

[@mina0012]

Oh... but why does the conversation get cut just after she begins to address the fact that although she has apologized for her action, she is ready now to address the cause for her action... It almost feels as though the resolution of addressing the stimulus gets cut right out of this discussion.

[@leorising8074]

Elle Marie listen to the podcast. This was just a snippet of the original

[@osse1n]

*Doubt kills more dreams, than failure ever will.*

[@randomspeaker6824]

Bullshit. Cause who puts DOUBT in your mind in the first place. It’s a much deeper meaning then you think!

[@kennyweiss]

Thank you!

[@cinlakech888]

What is the point of any relationship if we just make up these reflections we perceive. The whole time we are having a relationship with ourselves.

[@NyweleStyles]

That was brilliant, I’d like to see more of her and you

[@maimohamed3590]

Damn, this is so helpful, thank you🙏✨

[@lizward7413]

Two of my favourite people together! xxx

[@ashleyvanattia8698]

Thanks this why I believe in not shaming but meeting on same level and talking about it good or bad even ugly , and that to for me it's the what kind of relationship and how fresh r we here to and do they want the relationship to grow.😊 Thank you Brand hope you have a nice day

[@loveofinquiry3839]

I’d love to see the full interview 😍

[@Harooneve]

Facts. This is important for long term relationships, not saying that you should put up with everything someone says or does but both partners will need to practice this for a successful relationship.