How a Surgeon Tells a Family that a Loved One has Died

How do I as a Neurosurgeon tell a family that a loved one has died?
#doctor #surgeon #family #death #parents

[@katbarnes4698]

I am one of those parents, my son died accidentally. It truly is a nightmare just like you described. I’m very sorry about your son and that boy you were talking about

[@cynthiaholland13]

I'm so very sorry for your loss

[@RealSlowpokeRodriguez]

🫂

[@loaf27]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, may God bless you and give you strength during this time of grief. Jeuss Christ is a healer.

[@KittyBroccoli]

I am so sorry for your loss 🕊️🕊️

[@saraford59]

I know that when I lost my 16 year old daughter unexpectedly, my whole world is completely different. The person I was then I am not today. I still am learning to live this new life without my daughter.

[@meowcheesemeow6951]

im sorry for your loss

[@dnfluffles772]

While my situation is not as serious as yours I too lost a highschool friend months before last graduation. For me it feels weird seeing old messages but I recalled this when I saw your post becuase it made me wonder how her parents were doing. I hope you are doing well.

[@stevetesta6680]

Probably fake shit, but if this is true, damn.

[@Everthingwithmichael]

@@stevetesta6680 bro look at profile picture it true

[@YourThermalWorld]

My parents went through this in 1970 when my brother was killed in a high speed accident. At 14 years old I lost my best friend, mentor and someone I still look up to. I’ve raised three children and am a grandfather. I think of that horrible day and experience quite often and hope to never experience it again. Rest well, Lenny, I still love you.

[@TheVideoTalkers]

very sorry to hear this, may your friend rest in peace 🙏

[@adimark42]

@@TheVideoTalkers It was his brother but Rest in Peace anyways

[@TheVideoTalkers]

@@adimark42 his brother was also looked up to as a friend, but yes rest in peace to him

[@reeree6682]

Knowing that you know and knew EXACTLY what these and other parents and loved ones have experienced brings tears, Doc. If EVER there was a person to tell this nightmare of a reality...they were blessed to have you. WE are blessed to have you. Thank you for ALL you do.💔💜💙

[@southernsass2937]

Amen ❤

[@RobertShaw-fl3os]

Doc Thank You for all that you do . 🎉

[@jordanjohnson5669]

Doc, I have worked in EMS and I thank you for what you do.

[@hbennett5640]

Thank you for being the kind doctor that you are❤

[@meme-sb7vr]

Wailing is the sound of a soul be shattered and crushed by unbelievable pain and heartache it is a sound that when one hears it it touches the very depths of your heart, it is so much deeper than tears or crying....heard it way too much in my 31 year nursing career.

[@annieseaside]

It comes out and it is not something the person is choosing to do... like removing your hand from something hot before you can form a thought. It's automatic and uncontrollable. It's a tone and depth you had never heard your voice make in your life. In hindsight it is surprising because we think we control the sounds we make but not in this.

[@tranquility9325]

I was an EMT. One of my pediatric patients drowned. She was with her father, and the mother was out of town. When the mother arrived at the hospital, I remember a primal scream that I will never forget. It sticks with you for a lifetime. Thank Dr. For sharing, and I'm sorry for the loss of your son also. Rest in peace to the victims who have left us 🕊

[@graniabenge2814]

I sometimes ponder that people often forget that their surgeon, physician, nurse, indeed all healthcare professionals have illness, injury and bereavement going on in their lives, too. I'm sorry for the loss of a dear son and mindful of the need to always be thoughtful and kind in our daily lives.

[@KH-nt7ej]

As a nurse everytime this happens my heart drops to my feet. I can not imagine what the docs or families have to process when they get this information. All we can do is hold their hands or listen to their grief. We just feel helpless. It is never the ending anyone in medicine wants.

[@mattrushing5573]

I'm a hand surgeon, and your story even choked me up. Due to my specialty, it is very uncommon that I have to give this kind of news, but I did have to give it a couple of times during my ortho residency. It took all I had to give the news and answer questions without losing it myself. As soon as I left the families and found a place to be alone, I did lose it for a minute. I have mad respect for the ones that find themselves in this position on a somewhat regular basis.

[@lynndinovo3500]

I remember that inhuman scream when my sister called me at 1:00 a.m. to tell me her son had taken his own life. It was a sound I had never heard from another human being before that call. 💔 I am very sorry for the loss of your beloved son.

[@Lindalou5977]

My face is wet with tears …. My precious daughter is a NP on trauma unit SICU/ trauma Hershey Pennsylvania! She has also done this many many times …. Times when a Dr is not available etc ….. it takes a toll but I thank you and my beautiful Cindy for all you do to help devastated family members as a loss has tragically occurred….. God bless 🙏. My daughter would just adore you …. I just know it ❤

[@nancydushay5744]

You are so calming…more doctor’s should be like you……we can only wish

[@lyngruen8607]

I do believe the heart IS BEING RIPPED right out of the body 💔💔 such agony HAS NO DESCRIPTION. I really admire your compassion and respect for your patients and their family. God bless you 🙏 Texas Nana Psalm 91

[@asdfjklasdfjkl408]

As a former paramedic and soon to be physician, I also use the words "death" or "dead" of course in the most gentle way possible, but when using those words, there is no room for misinterpretation and it is clear what has happened. Dr. Hoeflinger, I hope to be as compassionate as a physician as you💜

[@RobertShaw-fl3os]

@@asdfjklasdfjkl408 I wish you the best as a doctor. I admire you wanting to become a physician .

[@leigh5251]

I can't imagine the toll this must take on you. What I admire about you is you're honest with compassion and that's not something I've experienced very much with doctors. Stay amazing.❤

[@susanmann5286]

I'm very sorry you lost your son. Thank you for your compassion.

[@kimberlygrissom2315]

You were given the gifts of skill kindness gentleness thankyou Dr

[@ms.krueger2660]

I have noticed that doctors need to be given classes on giving people bad news. I have not lost a child. When my Mom died the doctor put me in a room. He said - She is gone. Sorry. Do you have any questions. She died from sepsis and pneumonia. -He then walked away. That was it. He could have at least held my hand. Just gave me a small amount of comfort. I was there alone. You seem like such a kind soul.💜 I am so sorry for your loss. My neighbor lost her only child. He was 19. Car accident. He would be 51 now. I really don’t know how she goes on.💙😢

[@Roheryn100]

My husband had a brain bleed on his 77th birthday. He passed away a week later having never recovered full consciousness. He did have two strange moments two days before he died when he suddenly opened his eyes, tried to focus and said “who’s that ? Who’s there ?” I reassured him it was me and he replied happily “ Ah…good!” The second time twenty minutes later he suddenly said out of the blue “I love you !” in the cheerful , funny way we shared. And that was that. The day before he died the neurologist came to me and said bluntly that if he had other family they had better get here before 36 hours passed. That was the first hint I was given that things were not hopeful .Maybe there were more but I had refused to recognise them ? The last day the doctor did not come near me. It was a time of COVID and the hospital was practically a ghost zone. The ward was empty. A nurse came in and offered to shave him. I accepted, as he was ex military and would have appreciated it. Over the next few hours his breathing slowed and stopped. The nurse stayed at his side monitoring his heart but said little to me. I was alone . When it was over , after thirty minutes I went to the nursing station. The doctor was behind the counter writing. I asked if he needed an autopsy, as I did not want him touched further. The doctor looked up from his writing and said “No, we know the cause of death”. He never offered a sympathetic word . After a moment , I left. The security man at the entrance noticed my distress and asked if I was all right. I burst into tears, he led me aside and sat with me , holding my hand. It was the only expression of sympathy I had . I drove home alone. From what I could see, I cannot fault my husband’s care. But I can’t help but resent the attitude of that doctor.

[@mariannestarchville3808]

Dear Dr. Hoeflinger, Your calm and soft spoken voice is AMAZING, because it brings such a comfort to me even though i have not had this experience. I pray for your son’s soul and all those you encounter in your ministry as a brain surgeon. My father David Michaels worked for years at MCO as a Physician Assistant teaching the residents in Family Medicine. Many memories in Toledo where my parents lived for 20years. Please continue this wonderful KZbin channel as i know you bring advice, insight and comfort to many. God Bless You! Safe travel to Mt. Kilamagaroo.

[@jodiedohrn1257]

You have such a calm gentle heart for what you have been called to do by God. He has blessed you so that you may bless others by being strong for them. Thank you for all that you do.

[@lindagrazianosouthjerseyal9912]

Though I am so incredibly sorry for your own loss, I know that you were able to provide those parents comfort in many other ways that someone else could not have done...having walked the walk. As a fellow healthcare professional, I find myself more compassionate and understanding as I have gone through incredibly difficult health struggles myself. Though I wish I didn't have to go through this at all, I look it as a gift of sorts in that I can help others more fully and be more present in helping them through their own pain.

[@stottme1]

No words in English describe what you articulated from your heart and life's experience. God forbid if I ever experienced the pain of the death of a child. Thank you is not enough.

[@marthawall3318]

Dr.? As I listened to you describe what the pain is like for a parent losing a child, I knew immediately that you have to have experienced this agonizing reality yourself. Your words were those of someone who knows-personally-what the parents were feeling. I am very sorry for the loss of your son. I deeply admire you for your work and your great empathy for your patient’s family.

[@indyjones1970]

Yesterday at the beach, a friend and I managed to just save two young girls, sisters, caught in the deep in a strong current, seconds before they were going to go under exhausted. It was dicine providence that I noticed them. The event to being a tragedy of the scale you just described, and I really felt this video. Thankyou for sharing.

[@rickholland6695]

Wow, this video hits hard and for me, it is real. My wife, Penny and I worked together as EMT/Paramedic partners on the ambulance for decades. We had to give death notifications and dying declarations on a routine basis. It was absolutely heartbreaking, but we had to do it. At least we had each other to handle the stress. I knew Penny for 43 great years. She had 53 years of service. Unfortunately, she died suddenly in May 2020. So, I had to deal with the pain and loss myself. I can tell you they don't make women like Penny anymore. I love and miss you, my wonderful wife. But life goes on.

[@youtubedeletestheoppositio8188]

Did penny get the Covid vaccine?

[@kovyvuri]

@@youtubedeletestheoppositio8188 dont be a dick. say your condolences and move the fuck on. doesnt fucking matter.

[@kovyvuri]

im so sorry for your loss. my heart goes out to you deeply. and im also sorry for the other jackass in the replies.

[@vidoesvideos]

@@youtubedeletestheoppositio8188 the jabs weren't available until the end of 2020.

[@susanbrennan5511]

When you cry like that it’s called keening. I know because I did it for years. My husband soulmate of 24 years had a brain aneurysm. There were delays getting him to a trauma center ( there was an ice storm). They decided to do surgery the next day and I was there but the hospital was going through a remodel. I was in the hallway near where he was having his surgery and asked everyone to send me news about what was going on. 2 hours later I saw the room with the door open and someone was sweeping it. I asked where my husband was and they told me he was back in ICU. I went up there and there was a doctor in his room and I asked why I wasn’t told about what was going on. The doctor sneered at me and said it doesn’t matter he’s gone anyway. How I wish a doctor like you would have taken the time to treat me with respect. I ended up keeping him on life support until his 2 sons could come home from college. It was the week before Christmas. 14 years later I still feel that horrible pain when that doctor said those words to me.

[@sharonpeterson896]

My partner lost two of his children in 2020, 9 months apart. One due to covid the other to fentanyl. I'm glad I have no children. I don't know how a parent survives the loss. My heartfelt sympathy to all who have experienced this horrible event.

[@chrisbertrand5878]

I've been on both sides of this. As a fire captain, I've had to tell countless families that their loved one has passed. Sometimes that discussion happens on the side of the highway or some other, less than ideal situation. I've also been the parent sitting in that room with the doctor. Luckily, my daughter's condition improved and she has been a miracle, but to be whisked away into that little room by the nurse and given the worst news you can imagine, I hope none of you ever have to experience.

[@MICHELLE-gu2qc]

I am extremely sorry for the loss of your son. You are a caring and strong person. I am so glad you are a softer and have great bed side manner. My Aunty lost 2 of her teenagers 15,16 and their friend 15. The way my aunty and uncle were told was brutal by a Country Emergency services officer who was attending their accident. His son was the driver so I guess he was in extreme shock but yeah caused long term trauma. My aunty had horrible time to accept because she was never allowed to say goodbye, view, they sedated her too heavily. Yes people may need medication but not to the point of no feelings or ability to process the grief

[@childofcascadia]

Im a veterinarian. Its hard enough to tell a family their beloved dog who got hit by a car died on my operating table. Thats heartwrenching enough. I cant imagine having to tell parents it was their child lying dead. I just cant.

[@debishaw9355]

You are a very compassionate doctor. Thank you for sharing! I can’t imagine how it would feel to lose a child or grandchild. You explained it so well. I’m sorry you went through it as well…

[@OshoElijah]

May the Lord comfort the family of those who lose their loved ones😢

[@John75Mulhern]

If the Lord doesn't heal then he can get lost

[@Ghhyuttgg]

Surely your lord did this

[@defski]

And I bet you wonder why people find atheists insufferable.

[@apackwestbound5946]

Extremely eloquent and well described.

[@NETHER_NINJA]

Iv never heard that scream but I can imagine the parents pain

[@mambostirfry]

So powerful. You knew in mind, body, and spirit what they were experiencing. So terribly sorry for you and your wife and that couple. Traveling together on a voyage you ever imagined. ❤

[@LoriNuttall]

Emotional beyond words.

[@amyc9382]

We need more empathetic doctors along with officers who also have to deliver such life changing, horrific news. I’m so sorry for your loss and so thankful for your commitment to teach us all. May your son and my son, and so many other children rest in peace.

[@yuvig186]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and anybody else who has lost a child

[@lesliemassey-or6cv]

Such compassion and true understanding.. 😢

[@user-sz5kd9je8n]

I'm a physician,an Ob/Gyn.Despite this unimaginable loss this family was incredibly fortunate to have you deliver this news.I would not have had the ability to do what you did on that night.

[@SherioCheers]

Heart injury from grief can be very real...

[@Roheryn100]

I am endlessly surprised I have no injury…

[@jacobbaumgardner3406]

I lost my brother nearly 3 years ago now to an AML induced brain bleed. He was taken to the local hospital, but then was flown to Cook Children’s Hospital in Dallas. I flew down from Portland that night and we all arrived in DFW in the morning. Texas has a law that requires the “plug to be pulled” after several tests have determined that there is indeed no brain function. The hospital had a team that was there for us the whole time, and even made a painting using our hands and my brother’s hand. He was so cold, and his heart trying so hard as the blood in his body began resisting being pumped. They delayed the 3rd and final test by a day (the previous two showed no brain function), and before they could conduct it, his heart began to beat rapidly as the blood cancer strained his body to the limit. After over an hour of all of us standing in the room watching his heart run a marathon, it finally stopped beating. We like to think that we were relieved of the responsibility of pulling the plug. After all that, my other brother and mum began to help clean his body with the nurses, and the attending physician came in to talk to us. My mum and dad were not in a place to be able to process anything, and because I am a very logically driven person, the best emotional remedy for me was to talk about what has happened and why. The attending physician was absolutely excellent, and she stayed and talked with me in a small room for nearly 2 hours, and explained everything in a calm, yet matter of fact tone. She later said she was amazed to see how I managed to process all the information she imparted, and her detailed explanation went a long way to help me find closure. Thank you Cook’s children’s hospital, you were what we needed in that moment.

[@mikepawntee2425]

I do not know your level of medical skills, but your skills as a compassionate person are unparalleled.

[@saul.t.2.969]

Having experienced this at the age 16 when I was the only family member and I was told my mother had died. Very grateful to hear your methods. I’ve received a whole organ transplant. I’d be interested to hear when transplant coordinators step in?

[@hannahlynn1706]

Thank you for this beautifully painful description. I don't usually comment on videos but this reminds me of what happened with my Papaw. I don't ever want to see that room again. If you need somewhere to talk, feel free to use the replies as a discussion place. Fly high Papaw, 1955 - April 16th, 2023, the day my life was shaken forever.

[@wrjsn231]

Thank you, Sir. You truthfully describe it exactly as it is. The remainder of my life will never be the same.

[@rosemaryeveleigh3562]

It must be so difficult to share bad news. The parents so so sad losing a son. God Bless you for caring so much.

[@JimS870]

Thank you, doctor, for all that you do! Please take care of yourself.

[@danielleohare3364]

💔. 💔. 😭. Ultimate Loss of a Child... at any age. Or for Siblings too. I feel for your Family and so Many Other Families who Walk this Path. It's a Journey no one Should Have to Go Through in Life. Rest Easy Angel's

[@christophermcgarvey50]

You sir are an unbelievable man. Thank you for what you do sir. You are undoubtedly my favorite storyteller. You lift me up when I am down and give me hope. Thank you Dr.

[@fish4096]

This guy has the coolest last name ever.

[@jackmeyhoffer5107]

I can’t imagine the anguish of having to bury your child.

[@Rae-yv7md]

I have such respect for you and I have zero for most so called Doctors after bitter experience. Bless you.

[@nancydaley9646]

Thank you to every provider who works at the rim of life and death. Thank you. And please, stay well.

[@danielbrown7115]

God bless you Doc.

[@michaeljulian4997]

As a long-time Paramedic, I have had to make death notifications more times than I would like to remember. That being said, I make a point to be the one who notifies the family if they die at the scene. If we transport to the hospital and the physician makes the notification, I attend and ask them if they have any questions for me. I recently learned new details of my father's death in 1978, when I was 13 years old, which helped me greatly. I want the families to have as much information as possible and, for me, it puts a period at the end of the sentence that started when we were dispatched. It helps me cope with all the loss that comes with Emergency Medicine. Keep up the good work! You should like a very empathetic doctor.

[@TheSouthIsHot]

My brother was killed in a car accident in 1995 when the driver of an approaching vehicle fell asleep at the wheel and hit my brother's car head-on. September 1 was 29 years since it happened. I took my mother to his grave this past Monday, Labor Day. It's true that the we never get over losing someone we love, especially a child.

[@korruptedboie8700]

Very sorry for everyone's losses.. I'm praying for y'all 🙏🙏

[@Nurturing2]

God bless you, Dr.!!! 🙏😇✨ My heart aches for your loss. Thank you for comforting these families in their time of helplessness and hopelessness. 💔

[@lylestavast7652]

tough job you chose. thankfully people like yourself keep a good portion of those you serve with your knowledge and skills moving on in life, altered or restored to near normal, and for that - THANK YOU. Really excellent and clear explanation as an example.

[@FastAligator1234]

I work in a Neuro ICU. I often see what he has described. Once an 18 year old boy was playing with a loaded gun with his friend when he accidentally shot himself in his forehead. I worked for many hours trying to save him when I knew deep down it was all for nothing as he was unable to recover. The Neuro surgeon used the same term. “Devastating and catastrophic” when describing his injuries. I’ll never forget his dad’s cries when we were in the room together. It literally hurts your soul. It’s crushing and makes it hard to breathe. But you must carry on and perform your job at a high level. I could never tell a family their child has died. I don’t have the balls or courage and thankfully I don’t have to be the one to have that conversation. It hurts just to usually be in the room.

[@McTaco]

I imagine that hell is like that moment, for eternity.

[@Satjr35031]

Well spoken Doctor

[@heatherstephens9295]

😭😭😭 Beyond anything I could comprehend.

[@chadstrunk801]

This man speaks the truth.

[@corysmama1]

I have been in a simular situation. My 2 1/2 year old son, choked on a hotdog at the baby sitters home. No fault can be given. This was 34 years ago. I was in shock for about 5-6 years, existing but not really able to cope. This is not a situation I would wish on anyone. Time has helped, however it still brings that night back as if it was yesterday. I know he is in a better place, I dreamed not long ago he came and told me he loved me, it seemed very real. I feel badly for everyone including the surgeon to have to go though such a horrible situation. My God bless any family having to go through such an ordeal. I felt God needed his sweet laughter more than I did. For some reason this helped me.

[@doctorhoeflinger]

So very sorry ❤️🙏

[@Freespiritarts]

Doctor, what you are doing with social media is so valuable.

[@JCCRVB]

I know that scream, for I have sceamed it. There is nothing to compare it to. I was present when my partner of 37 years died in Hospice in Apr 2023. To this day I am not okay. I cry myself to sleep every night and for now my memories are haunts. It's only through Jesus Christ that I have found any refuge. For His comfort endureth forever.

[@anniegerlach2563]

I really appreciate that you made this video. I want to be a therapist and I will need to help people process their raw emotions in painful time. I hope to have your composure

[@staci5799]

Prayers of peace and comfort by our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.. our consoler and peace giver🙏✝️

[@encompassvideo5429]

God bless you Doc. You are a gent.

[@Suekyle]

You are such a blessing Dr

[@KG-xf9ew]

Jesus Christ...my morning just went in the dumper.

[@goldengirl6805]

My heart and brain ache for them and and all of you, your staff.

[@joshuamcmillan6390]

Not a parent, but a hospital admissions representative. While not in the room when it's said, I know that sound. Almost animalistic, almost human, but with the soul ripped right out of it. Nothing in Hollywood will ever match when I witnessed the cries of parents over their lost child. Nothing comes close.

[@user-fi6hn1zx7r]

Rip to the person that died hope the family recovers❤❤

[@ellenwalters9478]

Lost my son also. He was 38 and never woke up. Notification is horrible. It's a new normal that tears at your guts. It's a physical heart pain. That was 12 years ago.

[@Dadzgrl5529]

It's what my grandmother always called" keening" ,that raw unfiltered emotion coming out when a loved one has died. I did that when my son died I was told later. I feel for the doctors having to relay it. Definitely a difficult conversation.

[@allentate3760]

We went through a similar situation. Peace and blessing to you.

[@RC-bw8wk]

Do you cry when you share the news and should you cry if it happens? I’m studying to be a therapist and the stories make me tear up.

[@Jackary1232]

They shouldn't cry, the parents don't need to mop up their tears. Their sadness, not the doctor.

[@sarahudson108]

I couldn't do that , imagine it is the worst part , you do all you can but it isn't enough, my husband works in healthcare, he had dealt with sad and tragic cases, I am very proud of him .

[@barbarjinx3802]

Thank you for your work. And I’m sorry for your own loss.

[@danawildman8766]

God bless you, Dr. Hoeflinger.

[@codingvio7383]

I drive everyday with the thought that I don’t want my parents getting that phone call to come to the medical examiners office.

[@sysiphuspeart9012]

Someone close to me was a paramedic who was called to the scene of a child's suicide. He said the same thing about the way the father cried. He finished his job, walked home, called his boss and quit.

[@Jdw6848]

I was a fireman and remember vividly when a mother found out her son was dead by shooting himself. It was a scream like nothing I ever heard again. This about 35 years ago and I vividly remember this

[@RobCCTV]

Lesson of this video: appreciate every moment in life. Life is finite. Life is precious.

[@Zooeee915]

Thank you for articulating what I feel

[@angelabeatty6538]

Thank you for sharing

[@ceciliapreziose3783]

so sorry for your loss, heal your heart

[@maryshanley329]

This great physician lost his own teen son in an auto crash. He knows….

[@user-zk9nf6ki3k]

Doctor Hoeflinger Thank you for posting this video ❤

[@blairwillis9199]

I'm so sorry that you lost your son. ❤️🙏

[@d.b.1176]

"Do you want the good news or the bad news"

[@janetlynn3397]

I watched my dad die. I remember my grandma saying, " your kids are not supposed to die before you " He was 49.

[@sailboatrn7372]

I always tried to let my patients family members know that I was with them at the time of their death. I was always with them. I always told them that they were loved and it was peaceful. Mostly all but two of mine were not peaceful and I avoided talking about that portion of their death to them. I let the Doc decide whether or not to let them now all the details.

[@thisorthat7626]

@sailboatrn7372, relaying that information to the family is so important, IMO. People want to know their loved one passed peacefully. Thank you for caring about people to be there when they pass. Blessings.

[@sailboatrn7372]

@@thisorthat7626 thank you. Being a nurse means being at two of the most important events in people’s lives, birth and death.

[@jacquelinedidur7611]

God bless everyone who has gone thru this. 🙏✝️

[@kristineanix9045]

You handled that well. I wish I had learned of my brithers death in such a way.

[@crowdcor225]

I used to work in a security position at a hospital. There were things that I saw and had to deal with that I'll never be able to forget, however much I'd like to. You have to compartmentalize what you see and feel in order to do your job, but it doesn't erase those experiences.

[@thebenandfridayshow]

I can't imagine the toll this must take on you was he an organ donor

[@Pavia1525]

Don’t draw it out like that. Tell them up front that their loved one is gone. Then you can explain why.