Narcs look at people with real empathy as suckers.
@lailaa188911 ай бұрын
Agreed. Like it's a weakness. But at the same time, I would see moments where I felt there was a real sadness/mourning that it was something they recognized they didn't have and they couldn't understand *why* they didn't have it like others...
@ericb841311 ай бұрын
I was actually called a sucker by a narcissist when her husband asked for my help and I immediately agreed to help. 😮
@ziggerott2811 ай бұрын
Yet put them in a car lot. for mine, you may have well handed me his balls..biggest sucker in any other way.
@soundautomatic1Ай бұрын
It's like they smell blood in the water
@IzabelaWaniek-i1x11 ай бұрын
You are right dr Ramani. Empathy and narcisists don’t go together well, it is very complicated but more often than not you will feel unseen, unheard , uncelebrated and very lonely in those relationships which is why they don’t meet the basic human emotional needs.
@LSMH528Hz11 ай бұрын
I'dd say they don't meet anything human.
@pamwhitehouse596111 ай бұрын
With them, it's "cold gin time again ", of course in one respect, they might appreciate it (f it doesn't effect them, or their schedule or agenda), if it fits with their own needs and wants. But if you so much as make a even a blunder, they will condemn you, and declare you DEAD to them. As far as my Sister is concerned, I died last night(evening) from AIDS.
@SherryONeill11 ай бұрын
Lonely InDeed
@Sundais4freelee11 ай бұрын
Dr. Sam Vaknin coined “cold empathy” with narcissists having reflexive and cognitive empathy, but do not have the emotional types. Best metaphor is narcissists know punching you in the face is wrong and may even know it hurts , but they don’t “feel” the hurt in the moment so they don’t care and don’t stop themselves from hurting others.
@tims943411 ай бұрын
That transactional empathy is so common with narcissists. Definitely watch out for it
@christinelamb116711 ай бұрын
Whenever they do something "nice" for you, it's never just to be sweet to someone they care about. Their "niceness" always comes with a pricetag. It is exactly a transaction, like purchasing something at the store!
@usedscar11 ай бұрын
Oh my God I borrowed the car that one time! Never again, I'll walk.
@LSMH528Hz11 ай бұрын
They would even use money as a transaction for emotion. Just pay and they'll say, "didn't we (financially) help you decades ago with your college fund debt"? And this lasts a lifetime. Like my sibling felt the need to remind me my mother financially "helped" me decades ago when dealing with the funeral of my dad. I was like wft does this have to do with dad's passing ffs ! So it's even inheritable it seems. or maybe she was just jealous her education didn't cost anything and she should get money too or something sick like it. Like i'm responsible for accepting or something ? I guess I wish I never did. BTW, not that any of my parents (non financially) helped me much when in college, in fact, kinda the opposite giving me hell and degradation all the way and my sibling was a sadist and still is.
@arielhrrs1311 ай бұрын
And these types of “narcissistic empathy” modalities is exactly why they have enablers. The tears use to work on me too, but then I realized it was performative!
@734gman-vs5uf11 ай бұрын
The narcissist empathy is BECAUSE of enablers.
@justrosy511 ай бұрын
So I was 14, back in the late '80s, and my parents took me on a multi-state vacation. We drove for eight or ten hours, and then my parents got into some really stupid fight over when/where to stop for the day, where to find a motel, etc. I'm sitting in the back seat thinking, "OMG, are you KIDDING me? We don't have a reservation anywhere? What the H is this???" I kept my mouth shut and let them fight over it. Dad's in the driver's seat, Mom's in the passenger seat, and the fighting goes on and on and on. They couldn't even decide if they wanted to stop soon or not, and the Sun's getting low in the sky, but not setting yet. Then Dad starts pulling some sort of ultimatum, to get his way. I don't remember exactly what it was, but he wanted to stop and Mom wanted to keep going for several hours. Anyway, she says nothing, and he's sitting there waiting. Waiting, waiting, she's saying nothing, and I'm just sitting there in the back like, "What the literal F is this nonsense?" I think at this point I did ask, "We don't have a reservation anywhere?" Mom looked back at me and told me to keep quiet. Dad sits there and says, "You should have planned this out better, you know." My Mom starts in on defending how she didn't have time, etc. Then my Dad announces that he's driving to a Greyhound station he thinks is somewhere in the town up ahead (we were on an interstate throughout this whole ordeal), and I just thought, "I have no words." My eyes got big, I remember that much. I don't actually remember what happened next, but it was some more arguing between them, and then my Dad just... I mean, he threw an actual tantrum, fake, blubbery tears and all, in such an obvious attempt to try to get his way, and I couldn't help myself, I bust out laughing, which angered him, and Mom told me to shut up. I remember asking, "Why? It's obvious he doesn't mean it. He's not sad, he's just mad 'cause he didn't get his way!" Mom glared at me again and repeated that I should shut up. We did get to a Greyhound parking lot, and Dad went inside, but he didn't have the money for a last minute ticket. He asked Mom for it, but she refused. I desperately tried not to laugh at this point. He got in the car, slammed the door, and told me that if I knew what was good for me, I wouldn't say another word for the rest of the trip. I think I found some kids game to play with and eventually took a nap, but I did what I was told. When I woke up, we were at a motel and Mom had already gone and paid for the room at the office, and was on her way back. Dad was in the motel room. I got out and started to help bring things in from the car, but when I got to the door, Mom told me to leave the things I had there, she handed me the keys to the car, and told me to lock myself in and roll the windows down a crack and sleep there that night. I couldn't believe it. I wasn't allowed to sleep in the motel room? What? Because my Dad was being a fake cry-baby and a spoiled jerk, and I couldn't help but laugh about it? I was 14 and he was acting like a 2 year old brat; I think I had a right to laugh at that. As soon as I had put the luggage down and had the keys, I overheard why she had said this. My Dad was inside screaming at her to find him a paring knife so he could stab me to death. I ran to the car, got in, made sure all the doors were locked, and tried to sleep there that night. I couldn't really sleep though, and was scared. I had a little journal I'd brought with me, so I wrote about it in that, and hoped it would be found in case he did stab me to death the next day or something. The next morning, I had to go to their motel room and ask for some breakfast, which I had to eat out in the car. They waited a few hours and then put everything in the car, got in, and drove on as if nothing had happened. This was hardly the only really bad thing that happened with them as I grew up. My Dad's also not the only person to intentionally threaten my life, either. Stupidly, those two are still married, and he has absolute control over her, even though he's so old his vision is gone and she could literally just walk out on him and never look back and just leave him there. Why, you may be asking? Simple. Their religion teaches that divorce is a sin, and also, she has broken her paternal grandmother's rule, "Never mistake pity for love." Also, I think she's just flat out afraid of him, even though there's no actual reason to be anymore.
@rwells986711 ай бұрын
I feel grief for your inner little one and the loss of the sense of safety that you were entitled too Thx for sharing. if you are not already a writer I feel you certainly would make a great one.@@justrosy5
@734gman-vs5uf11 ай бұрын
@@justrosy5 when i was 14 i severed the main tendon in my leg 90% apart. First docs said may never heal rt. Approx 6 mo in a cast n day i got it off n a walking cast (open top splint) on it they said it looked healing better than imagined n may heal perfect. Went home n as i was changing into a play shirt psycho dad n psycho mom started on each other. Mom walked in my room like "whys that shirt on your bed!!!!" I said "mom i havent had a chance to." She stomped on my foot hard as she could n stood over me laughing as blood poured out. Dad walked in n screamed at her for bein a psycho then screamed at me for crying like a baby. Never healed right....
@pamwhitehouse596111 ай бұрын
ALL of these "parents" should've just kept their damned legs shut back in college-or perhaps high sdhool..❤
@CiaofCleburne11 ай бұрын
Literally, like 5 minutes ago, received a text from a former narc abuser trying their hardest to get an emotionally-charged reaction from me after not hearing from them for over 10 years!! Let this serve as a warning… narc’s do NOT give up easily!! Love and light and JOY to all of you, everyone who reads this…your emotional well-being matters and I love you. ❤
@Ms.Stephanie.C11 ай бұрын
So true! I’ve experienced this too, multiple times, but I fell for the fake apologies & fake tears because I didn’t understand narcissism. Not anymore!!
@John2535811 ай бұрын
O my God. 10 years. Jesus Christ help us all. Crazy man. They have 0 shame. 10 years!!!God damn. Bless your strength and soul! For real!! Send you my support.
@lorianttila969811 ай бұрын
Thank you for sharing
@glenyshill7211 ай бұрын
Mobile phones have a 'blocking' option for good reason
@yaminiayachitam11 ай бұрын
Yes, I have seen narcissist calling it "over acting" to people who are kind to each other. They think other people are acting when they are being nice to each other.
@melaniexoxo11 ай бұрын
The clincher is when the person being nice is a narc
@tracyking594511 ай бұрын
Good point - they play the role of empathy, but it never radiates out from their core like the sun. Instead, it feels like the air blowing out of a a furnace and can turn off any moment, leaving you feeling cold and wanting more.
@erinward298311 ай бұрын
I was convinced my dad was super kind, and compassionate, unlike anyone I'd ever known. It was a show. He's a malignant narcissist. His empathy seemed genuine to me as a little girl. It confused and misled me for decades. Pretending to have empathy is the key manipulative strategy narcissists use to draw us in before they reveal their truth. They care a lot. About themselves. But too often, by the time we realize, we've given so much of ourselves to them, and they've done so much harm.
@dansasap11 ай бұрын
I'm sorry... and I sympathise with the grief and bitterness of going through this humongous waste of energy. At least we know there are plenty of people here who got fooled the same way. It's not because we're fools, far from it. At least that helps me to move on, even though it feels so absurd at the same time given it is our parents. Thanks for sharing.
@mday382111 ай бұрын
Thank you for sharing. I experienced this with my mother.
@ckyung131210 ай бұрын
Beware of the person who invalidates you, degrades you, or calls you disrespectful names and then tells you it was just a joke. I dated someone who called me an “angry little midget” and a “toddler” and then accused me of being overreactive when I appeared to be offended, as I should have been. Just run away from this abuse. They don’t love you. They can’t. They never will. Run away!
@EricaEricaBoberica11 ай бұрын
They get it, they just don't care. It doesn't serve them.
@S4bK11 ай бұрын
You put words on many, many years of confusion and second-guessing myself. The more I watch your videos, the more I realize that I wasn't crazy, as I was led to believe, by both my parents and later, my own sister and a few friends and lovers. Thank you! Most of my life I saw the people I trusted blame others and I did NOT want to fall in that trap, so I silenced my inner voice and never blamed who was to blame. Still hate blame, but I find that there is a space where one can grieve and get angry to find more freedom.
@biddlear11 ай бұрын
Yes! Both my parents and all of my siblings which led to choosing friends and lovers bc it was such a familiar feeling or relationship. Then you wake up one day absolutely exhausted and just can’t do it anymore. I would have never know about any of this w/o Sr. Ramani. 🙏🏾
@Ms.Stephanie.C11 ай бұрын
Performative Empathy - wow. Never heard a term for this until now (that I recall). I lived with a monster who only cried when people were watching or when he was manipulating others - he was a master at it. The thing is, it makes everyone side with the monster when you leave because they think he’s a “great guy”, and you’re really mean! I pre-ordered your book!
@jennifercodey939511 ай бұрын
There’s a huge difference between being an empath and showing empathy. A narcissist can “show” empathy. But they are not empaths. Not even close.
@christinelamb116711 ай бұрын
Right! It's just an act for them to get what they want. They don't actually FEEL it!
@specialtwice497511 ай бұрын
How do you know you are an empath?
@wildhorses681711 ай бұрын
They are barely human, a sub category that unfortunately is taking over the Earth. I need to relocate to another Planet. ✈️
@christinelamb116711 ай бұрын
@@specialtwice4975 I don't know how others define it, but for me, I feel other people's emotions very strongly, as if they are my own. It is a bodily feeling for me, like if I feel someone else's sadness I feel a heaviness in my chest and I cry, as if the sadness is my own. It's the same with other emotions. I very strongly relate to other's feelings, and I feel what they are feeling.
@specialtwice497511 ай бұрын
I can feel other's feelings but not as strongly as you can. Like, if I'm talking to a friend and they feel sad and are crying , I will feel sad too, but I won't cry about it. I will just feel a slight sadness which within 8 hours or so will go away. I will even sometimes feel sad about my own emotions based off of their emotions. I will feel sad for myself basically, feeling sad about being sad that they are sad. (Kind of feels narcissistic for me, cause I'm feeling sad about me being sad) Another thing is I can sometimes pick up other people's emotions in a room. I can feel what they are feeling or feel the vibe of the room almost like it's an energy itself that's flowing out to me as a small wave or a force field type energy. (Kind of like the Star Wars force?) Depending on the emotion that is in the room/what the others feel it can make me feel self conscious, scared, or socially awkward, for example. It can also make me feel happy, positive, or excited, if it is a good emotion. I can also sometimes read what other people are thinking. It's rare, and doesn't happen often/with everyone, but if a person and I are in a room, I am able to read their energy in a fast second. I can read what they are thinking in that split second. It's hard to describe... but it's almost like their inner thought is being typed out into the air for me in word form and I can read it as they pass by. Or maybe a better description is it's almost as if I can hear their inner thought, like it's being whispered by them but they aren't saying anything. It's kind of cool but also weird for me. Is this being an empath or just being a regular person?
@chip400311 ай бұрын
My mom does SO many thoughtful and self-sacrificing things for me and my children. In turn she expects me to do exactly what she wants or be exactly who she wants me to be. It has always been this way since childhood. If I am not exactly the person she expects, she is hurt, and she knows how to communicate that WELL. I went through a period where I wanted NOTHING from my parents b/c I did not want to have a feeling of owing them. At this point in my life, I can set boundaries and be respectful to my parents; I can accept their “gifts” and do what I feel led to do without letting shame come in (well almost I can do this). Isn’t it discouraging that parents teach their kids to feel ashamed of who they are, instead of understanding that their children are persons who will have their own separate identities?
@deemaysie656811 ай бұрын
BPD mothers do this to their children.
@p.w.35211 ай бұрын
It's manipulative and opportunistic empathy. Like Dr. Ramani said, its like a switch they can turn on and off. You can't count on them to be consistently empathetic. I know one who will vilify others (their scapegoats) as being too sensitive and delicate, but then will brag about how sensitive their daughter is and how we all need to watch out for her.
@jnl356411 ай бұрын
The "shining moments of connection" that happen by coincidence is actually the bare minimum of a relationship, and something that happens constantly and effortlessly in my healthy relationships.
@christinelamb116711 ай бұрын
So true! When we're caught up in the whirlwind of a narcissistic relationship, those "shining moments" become so precious to us, because they happen so infrequently. Just when we're about to leave, the narc does something to give us that breadcrumb of hope, and we hang on, thinking that at last it has turned into a "real relationship". We all deserve to be in a healthy relationship where those shining moments of connection happen every day!
@jnl356411 ай бұрын
@@christinelamb1167 yeah the infrequency of connection has me busy trying to control or reproduce it again, totally unaware that what produced it were factors out of my control.
@simonecrevecoeur11 ай бұрын
My ex-narc detested empathy. He ridiculed emphatic people and called them losers, softies or pathetic 😮
@mariahcarey796011 ай бұрын
The only pathetic ones are them...and deep down somehow they know it.
@specialtwice497511 ай бұрын
It's ironic that they hate it and call it weak, and yet when they need something from you, your empathy/care, (for example: after being in the hospital for surgery) suddenly making them a sandwich, helping them walk around, etc, is not a st*pid idea anymore. If it involves them and their emotions then it ain't silly.
@barryosullivan342811 ай бұрын
@@specialtwice4975This is so true special and I actually learned this fact the hard way cos of both my narc ex friends(Thank God!) These folks have no problem at all whinging on about their many and varied personal problems but when my Dear Late Mother became seriously ill and died of a brain tumour...suddenly I was focusing too much on my grief?! U couldn't make it up with these types of folks...
@pamwhitehouse596111 ай бұрын
@@specialtwice4975They truly see anyone who is trustworthy 😢and showing empathy is perverted and not worthy of their attention or trust. My sister thinks of me as someone who is willing to mess her over over a small mistake I made . And is more than willing to consider me dead, as soon as I was dropped off from returning from work the other day.
@Thedisgardedoptimist11 ай бұрын
Spot on...narcs don't have it, so ridicule what you don't understand...classic reaction to hitting a nerve
@evezoepugh206211 ай бұрын
Thank you for the work you do. Narcissistic relationships are humiliating. I felt broken when I kept loving my ex husband and he would keep neglecting me emotionally. I already knew that I would be blamed for staying. I kept details to myself for years. I would go to therapy sessions and tell half the details because I couldn't bare the full truth to leave my lips. I don't feel those things anymore since I realized the problem is him and everyone intimate with him experiences something similar. If I ever get back into therapy, I will no longer feel the need to hold back details because of shame. They have taken on a new life of their own where they are simply matter of facts. The shifts in my perceptions is greatly attributed to your helpful videos helping us understand them and what was actually happening. Again, thank you so much!
@dansasap11 ай бұрын
I so get it... shame can be a guide though. When I feel shame about something now, I know it is precisely something worth sharing in therapy. I push myself to figure out a way to say it, so the therapist can do their job of helping me see it differently. You have to find a therapist you trust though. And take the time to know them aswell. Good luck!
@costelloandlizzievolk223311 ай бұрын
An old guy friend I was reconnecting with suddenly mentioned something about a past traumatic relationship I was in when younger. It was not part of the conversation and I didn’t understand why he brought it up. It made me feel uncomfortable and judged. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. My whole body tensed and I felt weird almost sick feeling when he said it. I asked him why he brought it up because it felt judgemental and he said he was expressing empathy. I didn’t get empathy from it at all. Perhaps it was performative empathy of some sort, but it felt like a dig to put me down. Also didn’t like that he didn’t apologize for how it came across. So I have distanced myself from him. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
@eringay896511 ай бұрын
I remember I told my ex he was a good actor and he said thank you 😂
@ncmomtofive11 ай бұрын
Lol
@Thedisgardedoptimist11 ай бұрын
Haha.. they are not too bright..but thanks made me laugh...xo
@jenniferburton704410 ай бұрын
🤣🤣🤣🤣👌
@ssjb754211 ай бұрын
After many years of being in what I call my narc COMA, I am finally awake & continue to clean house. But, JUST when ya think you've found that sweet spot, BAM!! TY, Ramani for validation of the never ending, ever continuous, true healing path.
@joekido5511 ай бұрын
cold empathy...I call it ice water running through their veins....Really learn a lot listening to you Doctor Ramani thank you for all you do..
@wildhorses681711 ай бұрын
Interesting, my mother always said about my ex husband: that man has ice water running through his veins. God Bless you Mother 💜. I wish she were still here to help now .
@shar650711 ай бұрын
Thank you for the validation. So true, and this is a big one. I think many of us probably feel like we can't go NC because our narcissists do JUST enough to stay in our lives....they express just enough empathy to remind us they care....but we're not crazy in thinking there is still a problem. It can also feel like they are frequently withholding expressions of empathy....when in fact it's not really there. There is no empathy. They're not withholding, they are choosing not to fake it (because it takes effort, or because they don't want you to feel TOO good)
@caseybirgitta-skoog553211 ай бұрын
Your description of transactional empathy reminds me of conditional love.
@jenniferburton704410 ай бұрын
My Narc brother contacted me recently after he discarded me 8 years ago. I was so happy to hear his voice! We had a few nice conversations, at first. Then he tells me he thinks my grandpa was abusing me when I was little (he wasn’t) and he sounded oddly HAPPY to be delivering this information to me. I didn’t give him a reaction on the phone. I thought about it for a week and then I blocked him. My brain was screaming how much I missed him, but my entire body was telling me NO MORE. Blocked 👋 Access denied.
@RajaMCool11 ай бұрын
Narcissists are emotionally intelligent. They know how to read others quite well. They use that information to inflict harm on others.
@RachelDixon-tn4my11 ай бұрын
I always felt the empathy my ex spouse displayed was somehow ‘less’ but couldn’t figure out why it felt that way. I thought I was misreading her. 24 years later and I’m a husk of myself, broken and not sure I can withstand much more post separation abuse during our divorce.
@SimplySondra122211 ай бұрын
KZbin's recommendations be on point. Your videos appear on my recommendation list as they correspond to my life.
@arwa51711 ай бұрын
Dr. Ramani, thank you for helping me to save my life. Without the knowledge you provided I probably would have been still in that soul sucking relationship, thinking it is fixable
@MirAndHer11 ай бұрын
Narcissists weaponise empathy, ours and theirs, to get what they want, and to keep us believing they're good people. My own empathy was corrupted by the narcissist parent and left me vulnerable to other abusers.
@DannyClinansmith11 ай бұрын
In my situation, ALL TYPES sadly apply. It’s the most cruel thing, lack, of empathy, just my opinion. Looking forward to getting your new book Dr. Ramani. 😊 Danny in Jacksonville Florida.
@genevalawrence80111 ай бұрын
Oh dear God. Dr. Ramani, every sentence you've spoken here resonates with me. I'm going to need to listen to this multiple times to soak it all in. Thank you.
@Enlighten909611 ай бұрын
This was such critical clarification of facts needed during the difficult emotional roller coaster of the cut off stage. Pathological loyalty. You are shining a light for so many people. In gratitude, thank you.
@maryswanson998211 ай бұрын
Once the relationship is over and the anger fades away, empathy comes creeping back. I know the narcissist’s life will never be calm and happy. Relationships will always be fraught with drama and ultimately fail. They end up alone, which is awful and sad.
@wildhorses681711 ай бұрын
That is Incorrect, they never end up alone. Women are desperate for a man even one in prison who may be a psychopath a woman will marry and visit every week. My ex found a Wealthy Widow, she gives him everything, buys cars for him to drive, cooks for him, now living in her house, she invited him, tells him she loves him. He has no capacity for Love. He plans to leave and I'm sure she has no clue. I'm sure he is lying to her like he lied to me. He is an amazing actor. She may be another narcissist, IDK. He is playing her. He plans to leave
@orielwiggins222511 ай бұрын
Oh my goodness, yes! This helps me understand so much. Not as much about the narcissistic Performative transactional cognitive empathy I've witnessed so long, but about why I seem to struggle so much with the lack of empathy that really feels helpful in my close relationships and many of the therapists I've had. It seems IF there's any empathy expressed at all, it's mostly cognitive abs what I'm looking for is emotional or compassionate empathy. I don't get vulnerable with folks so I can only be met with some false mental assent that I've got something difficult going on. I share because they say they care and want to know how I'm really doing with something and I assume that means they function like I do, fully engaged and genuinely invested in how they are doing with something specific. It matters deeply to me, but I don't seem to fall into the weeds of feeling like I've taken on their trouble. I know it's theres and I only wish I could help alleviate their suffering a bit, so I seek to do so if possible. Thank you so much. I feel like I need a whole class on this one.
@dosmatrix447011 ай бұрын
Once again this video is on point. My ex she was a carer for terminally ill people and would obviously display empathy towards her clients and their families. After work though she would say the most vulgar and disgusting things about her clients and it was the main signal,to me, that something wasn't right about her. Once she got fed up with her client she would do what she could to sabotage the situation so she could move on to her next client/victim. The same behaviour that I eventually would fall victim to as she displayed various forms of empathy talked about in the video and was masterful at convincing others it was genuine.I still find it unbelievably difficult to reconcile the difference between the person I met,and fell in love with, to the monster that she became. She truly manifested into something unrecognisable to her former persona.
@justrosy511 ай бұрын
The thing that really gets me is how they're so good at faking it, and I'm thinking, "Christ, can't you just be that way for real? Would it kill you?" They just see it as a deposit and then want a ROI. Sorry man, that's not how healthy relationships work...
@middia011 ай бұрын
Imagine being married to covert narcissist who is also psychiatrist...Game over. Now, after 19 years I started to think, maybe it's not me (when I hit lowest point of my life, asking myself what happened to me, I don't recognize this person (20 years ago and know)..First things I remembered- he calling me being narcissist (NPD) among many other "descriptions" ; when I had first hypertensive crisis with symptoms of having stroke...while we were on the way to ER-he screamed and yelled at me, blaming me...etc...empathy??? When my emotions towards him became insignificant, empty (I guess because of so much insidious mental torture...) my eyes opened, didn't see what really was happening. Now, looking back...so much cruelty, manipulations...painted by his "hands and mind"... Planning to escape (extremely complex situation) but failure is not an option. I would destened myself to silent, slow death. Mother of beautiful daughter.
@nidasyedart11 ай бұрын
7:30 and an amazing video is out 😍 The consistency of quality content is inspiring!
@DreamerofStars-hu9yt11 ай бұрын
I might not be paid before the presale ends and book is released but I am definitely going to buy your book. Your videos are the most helpful free therapy and it really helps me. You are a gem and your work is treasured.
@jds098111 ай бұрын
Oh, this explains so much. I work in the nonprofit sector, and I see transactional, performative, and shallow empathy a lot.
@420lisia11 ай бұрын
THANK YOU FOR SHARING ALL YOUR KNOWLEDGE WITH US!
@soundautomatic1Ай бұрын
All I know is when an empathy deficit is combined with high intelligence a relationship can turn into a hellscape and fast. Anyhow, illuminating information.
@BLB-mf8kk11 ай бұрын
Spot on. ❤ It's confusing because my mum will sometimes say the "right thing" or offer to bring over a meal when I'm sick... BUT there's not much feeling behind it. She seems to do nice things so that she can call 5 people when she gets home and tell them how great she is. Sigh.... I love her but I'm NC now. 🙏🏻
@notagain77911 ай бұрын
I knew two men who I thought were friends with each other. I'm a woman who dated them both. The first one was regularly presenting himself as so kind, sensitive and thoughtful, but there was a hollow lack of sincerity in him. The second one was trying the same BS with me. It was all becoming too obvious, so I told him so. He admitted that the two of them had often talked about the best way to get a woman into bed was to act super sensitive to other people's feelings, and to even "fake cry"! I couldn't believe it at the time (aged 26) Now, at almost 70, it's ridiculously comical! Both of these guys are now divorced, and I got away unharmed!!😂 Neither one got me into bed, but they thought it was worth a try!! Scumbags!!
@unite4peace8811 ай бұрын
Yes, at some point when compassionate empathy is expressed to our partner who happens to be a Narcissist, there is that tipping point where we reason , well surly after doing this, He/She will respond in an similar empathic way to me when I need the comfort and love, when it inevitably fails, we often realize this is not the person we need or want in our lives.
@meridianmoon-211 ай бұрын
Wow-this was a great “break-down” for someone in narc abuse recovery for a means to assist what’s happening or has happened for themselves in the relationship but also for helping/validating/explaining it to our own children….
@nikital.825511 ай бұрын
You’re so spot on!
@Loveydo111 ай бұрын
Your saving my life hopefully my hippocampus locks this in finally
@Thedisgardedoptimist11 ай бұрын
When all is said and done I love the word reciprocity.... Checkmate narcs!
@MultiSenhor11 ай бұрын
Knowing something technically and understanding it are not the same thing.
@MsJennasisReign11 ай бұрын
This might be my favorite episode 🥲😮💨 thank you Dr Ramani 💕
@kayneich95738 ай бұрын
Somatic empathy overlapping with somatic tension... whoah doc... brilliant !
@ONE1BEAT11 ай бұрын
Thank you so very much. Life changing for me , sincerely appreciate your work ❤
@serena126111 ай бұрын
Not only is today's video excellent but your Podcast today on Betrayal as well. All I can say is, Thank You Thank You Thank You! You continue to help me so much. I could go on and on about how therapeutic your videos have been for me the last.. close to two years. I've been listening to you for a while now and I am blown away by your knowledge. Bless you Dr. Ramani.
@acasyd11 ай бұрын
This video is one of your best Dr Ramini ❤
@rwdchannel290111 ай бұрын
Narcs only want one thing: narc supply. Just hone in on the narcs attempt to get it out of you, cut it off and the narc will get the message. Its almost as if you have to speak their language to win their game. For example say the narcissist says you're bad and you calmly say 'OK' to the insult given without showing any pain on your face you will see the narc meltdown in front of you. Its a very interesting test and shows how much power you have over narcissist. Narcs are dependent on us but want us to think we need them.
@hamsterpug739811 ай бұрын
It’s painful in a narcissistic relationship but I am trying day by day. Thank you for your all videos and it helps me by watching all your videos.
@barryosullivan342811 ай бұрын
This video very much rings true where my family of origin are concerned. Indeed I think it's a huge reason why I struggle today because subconsciously I don't realise that real love is unconditional. It's very much something I see where my siblings are concerned. They will ignore me year in/year out but when it's my birthday or if it's christmas they will send me cards and gifts as if nothing happened. I think it's their way of saying "Look I know I ignored u all year but here are some gifts so now everything is forgiven..."
@TRsTake11 ай бұрын
I didn't know about these "goodies " 😅 I already pre-ordered on audible! Thank you, as always :)
@JulieSmith-i6m11 ай бұрын
Performative empathy at its best! I got diagnosed with cancer and had major surgery to remove the cancer. My narcissistic partner is presenting as the perfect supportive mate in public but beat the crap out of me just weeks after surgery over an imagined slight! The only thing I can say is if you can get out do it! 6 years in the behavior had escalated to include the full spectrum of bad narcissistic behavior!
@pamelar586811 ай бұрын
What a helpful video. Thank you.❤
@craigmerkey851811 ай бұрын
Love this so much! I did my thesis on empathy. I recognized as very young child probably as early as 4 that key family members temperaments and mine were a mismatch! Not ideal but facing reality is much healthier! Getting lost in the details and definitions may help in sorting out some feelings. I chose to put my time in energy into reciprocal relationships.
@cherrybacon331911 ай бұрын
My Narc Ex could cry and be very emotional at things that mattered a lot to him like his Football Team losing, but when it came to me being upset and at times crying hysterically he'd be angry at me and even rage. I knew this was his way of gaining sympathy in 'Victimhood Land'. 🍒
@NolaCaffey11 ай бұрын
Thank you for these subtle observations, Dr. Ramani! You are a goddess descending into the underworld to map it for us. Please take care of yourself as you do this. Your spiritual practice will need to be equal to your relentless ambition to tackle narcissism. You appear capable of great depth in both directions, to be so clear on subtleties.🌷🙏
@juliefrank598011 ай бұрын
I just pre-ordered!! Thanks, Dr. Ramani, you help me remind myself that I’m not insane.
@well_weathered11 ай бұрын
Emotional empathy Going through the motions, not Emotions.
@lailaa188911 ай бұрын
If it's not authentic empathy, then it's not empathy. Cognitive empathy = fake empathy = I know how I *should* behave/feel in the moment, but I don't so I'm going to fake it to not expose my deficiency/inadequacy.
@theresesilvawalker840711 ай бұрын
You made sense of my life situation! I did grow up in an ok situation! I did believe people were rational and well intentioned ... and TRUTHFUL I WAS mistaken. My serious adult spousal relationships are just not ok. At least he doesn't actually knock me about like SHE did: the verbal and psychological attacks are comparable. but you have validated my experience of batshit crazy. IT IS NOT ME!!! and I will be buying your book.
@Loveydo111 ай бұрын
I am so burnt out
@MyDaisy6611 ай бұрын
Me too. The stress is too hard to bear 🙁
@Someoneoutthere6711 ай бұрын
Miraculous moments😂,so true unpredictable.
@Michael_Arguello11 ай бұрын
8:18 - Perfect example.
@shainanash851810 ай бұрын
performative empathy has almost killed me. he is a communal narcissist and has triangulated many times and ruined many of my friendship
@yukio_saito11 ай бұрын
My ex-friend looks empathic without acting empathic. So I got confused. 😮 After a while I realized I had missed many red flags on him. 🚩🚩🚩 Finally I got rid of him. ✂📵
@chip400311 ай бұрын
Have you ever met an empathic person, who sacrifices and enables the main narcissist in their life, but who becomes angry with you (also being empathic) for doing things to take care of yourself (eg, read, workout) instead of constantly sitting with the narc or waiting on them and ignoring your own needs? This is So aggravating! They try to shame you if/when you do an activity for yourself that they view as a luxury. Both my Mom and my spouse become angered/annoyed when they feel I do anything for myself…. It’s like they keep tabs on what I do for myself, like it’s a competition. 🤷♀️
@biddlear11 ай бұрын
I needed my narcs and opened up about an issue. It wasn’t but 24hrs later where they cashed in the transaction. I felt obligated to them for that moment and they knew it. I was exhausted after and hurt afterwards. So I had to remember to go great rock. It’s been about a week since I’ve spoken to them beyond text.
@justinbyrge899711 ай бұрын
Hi! This video was eye opening, thank you. When I was young, I'm 43 now, I had emotional and sematic empathy - just never knew the terms or that others felt these things as well. However, I did lose my temper and throw lots of tantrums as a kid growing up and even as an adult. Nowadays, and for awhile now, it's difficult to feel anything other than the cognitive type. And sometimes I simply don't care at all. This along with my short temper has made me ask myself several times over the years and especially in my most recent years if I'm actually a narcissist. Or if I'm broken in some other way. This bothers me because I do care about others, but my patience just isn't there most of the time. I don't use people for my benefit although I have committed offenses. I even have had a hard time fighting back when I'm physical confrontations, most of the time I've allowed people to strike me without striking then back. Some would say that makes me a "better" person but others would say that it's ridiculous to not defend yourself in a fight. My own opinion is: I wish I would have fought back. Not because of pride or anything but because fighting back would've likely made the others less likely to continue their bullying to me or others. And that, in my opinion, would have made me a "better" person - if there even is such a thing. Am I broken? I mean, my family has disowned me due to my behavior according to them and I no longer have any friends except for one person. Haven't had a girlfriend or even been on a date in ten years and I generally stay away from social situations. So, I must be the bad guy, demonic, no good, evil narcissist that you and your followers warn people about, right?
@natnat142411 ай бұрын
It's great that you self-reflect. Do you get energy by making someone miserable?Do you gaslight others?Do you feel empty on inside?Are you not confident on inside?If answers are yes then it could be that you're a narcissist but shrink can diagnose you for sure. If answers to above is no and based on other info you wrote maybe you just had compassion burnout. Also, seems like you have anger issues but there are books and videos how to do anger management-techniques are very simple. You having little patience has to do with your "attack" response to stress. Usually people have 4 reactions to stress. You can realn more about it and manage.
@well_weathered11 ай бұрын
My mother uses Performative Empathy but also at times she gives off the real cool or cold even to others like very avoidant. She uses Performative against another and to gain something.
@susanooalarichard11 ай бұрын
Main thing I'd keep in mind is that Cognitive Empathy can be turned off. The other types of empathy are just always on. You can choose to act on empathy or not. So, in some respects Compassionate Empathy has some control by the person feeling it. Somatic Empathy is easy to observe in those that have it, as they can't help but to react to what's happening to the people around them. Even if their mouths are shut and their body motionless, it's still seen in their faces. It will be reflected in what they say if anything about what happened as well. What's being called Emotional Empathy is the worst of the worst to those of us that experience it at high levels, as we can't really regulate it properly. It's just on and will not shut off. We're going to feel whatever it is being felt by the room so to speak. Anyway, you have me wondering if one of the reasons so many people suppress their empathy is due to being involved in interactions with people behaving without it? Side Note: I empathize with those with NPD. Don't however feel any need or desire to help them beyond just wishing them well.
@ziggerott2811 ай бұрын
Pregnant ice cream run=" I'm buying your flying? I want....." quotes = narc hubs 😮
@csfiskus61011 ай бұрын
Is empathy a trait or a skill you learn and develop? The first thing we are taught about it is not to treat others the way we don't want to be treated. Most people have cognitive empathy. We can understand how people feel in certain circumstances even if we don't always understand why or agree with it. If you read or watch something about people being mistreated, viciously, abused, and tortured, especially children, you may feel very upset and cry. You can truly feel emotional empathy towards someone you deeply care about and love.
@przemysawnowaczyk452711 ай бұрын
Dr Ramani,thank you
@shiverof3libras11 ай бұрын
I can't watch videos where people get hurt because it sends a painful shockwave across my skin. It's bizarre.
@well_weathered11 ай бұрын
Compassionate empathy may be instrumental in helping your children think of others needs in a healthy way if nurtured correctly.
@sherylchapman416811 ай бұрын
There is no empathy. Stonewalling is the only empathy I get.
@NarutoUzumakiofficial11 ай бұрын
I’m told sometimes I have to much empathy. Maybe I do but the narc I dealt with almost sucked all the empathy out of me and shamed me for having it. Sad thing is I still love my narc friend(s) I do. But they hate me and I’m okay with that
@kasraajili689111 ай бұрын
Yes it is true, very much true
@danielstuart202311 ай бұрын
Preach Girl 👏 👏 👏 C'mon Now 👏 🙌 🙏
@ladybaabaa329410 ай бұрын
I'm not a narcissist, but I have CPTSD and BPD (with antisocial traits) as well as chronic anxiety from early childhood. I have a high degree of cognitive empathy, but I feel NO affective empathy EXCEPT for a few people I love incredibly deeply, and also all animals. Compassionate empathy...I have this to an even lesser extent, but it does come out with my most loved ones, who I am fiercely protective of and loyal to. I cannot even tell what somatic empathy is supposed to feel like. I never bother with transactional empathy. If I do something for someone else, it will only be because I REALLY want to. Otherwise, I simply won't do it. Performative empathy...again, I can't be bothered with this. I don't have the energy and I generally don't care what people think of me.
@danielstuart202311 ай бұрын
Great videos Doctor Ramani
@johnjosiah883910 ай бұрын
Good morning ☕️☕️😊
@CTHou1311 ай бұрын
Normal empathy 1. Cognitive empathy - put yourself in their shoes kind of empathy. 2. Emotional empathy - feelings that align to another persons emotional state. You feel for them, but they don’t feel for you. 3. Compassionate empathy - empathy in action. Invoking behaviors that align with your empathy. 4. Somatic empathy - when you physically feel the other persons emotional (pain) state. Narcissistic empathy 1. Transactional empathy - I will be nice to you, but I expect something in return. Can mask as compassionate empathy. 2. Performative empathy - the narcissist is performative in front of friends and family but as soon as the audience is gone, the coldness returns. 3. Shallow empathy - can seem performative but is shallow and insincere and variable. Solidifies/builds trauma bonding.
@yukio_saito11 ай бұрын
Thank you for taking notes. 📓✍
@CTHou1311 ай бұрын
@@yukio_saito I have to write it down so that when it’s happening I can reference back. It helps me know I’m not crazy.
@NLeanz11 ай бұрын
I wish I even had that type of empathy. I get nothing at all I have to beg her to show like she loves me and for her to even care about me and she will just ignore me, anything I ask for I get ignored my wants and my needs are not valued and dismissed. I am always to blame everything is my fault I will say to her I have nearly passed out because of the stress and pressure I feel like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders and like I am carrying this relationship alone I told her I feel alone and I need some support because I am not feeling good I told her I feel worthless because she keeps telling me I have something wrong with me and that I am crazy and I even said I wanted to hurt myself becuase of the way this is making me feel and she just said, Ok, everything is my fault and it is me that has to do everything and give her money I give her everything I have emotionally and financially but I get nothing in return she never makes me a priority she hides things from me She ignores my questions when I ask her why she is ignoring what I am saying. She will still ignore me until I have to ask a million times, and she will say she does not want to answer because she does not feel like it. She laughs in my face and just outright refuses to say anything. I feel embarrassed and humiliated. I am also expected to trust her when all she does is lie and treat me like she does not even love me or care about me. She behaves like she is single. I am supposed to feel like I can trust her, but for what reason? I even told her if she made me feel valued and wanted, I would feel secure, and that would build trust, but I get absolutely nothing from my narc. I wish I did today, but I can't do it anymore. I know She is humiliating me on purpose, and I have to get myself back because she is laughing at me. She actually enjoys seeing me beg, and become emotionally unstable, I can't do it anymore. 💔💔
@Someoneoutthere6711 ай бұрын
👍 Boy oh boy oh boy! 😂Thank you
@KRISHNNAMURTHI111 ай бұрын
thanks Dr ramani
@moniquejackson774111 ай бұрын
Brilliant
@mac-ju5ot11 ай бұрын
So its safe to say bosses have performative empathy.
@alyp338611 ай бұрын
Dr. Ramani, Can you make a video about how to best co-parent with a narcissist (specifically covert) and how to raise a child knowing their parent is a narcissist. Also, a video on how best to approach divorce with a child with a narcissist would be great!
@Nov01911 ай бұрын
I second the request!
@Videointerests11 ай бұрын
I have seen how they pull most way.
@loverlytoday11 ай бұрын
Very interesting. IF you could supply the link to the Price research mentioned, it would be appreciated.