A narcissist's broken heart

[@ckyung1312]

If you’re trying to be friends after the breakup, beware of the person who is bragging about sex or having fun with other people within days or just a couple weeks after the breakup. You need to go no contact. Run! Run away from this abusive behavior!

[@ChristineCole-u3f]

Watching this emotionally charged video brings back the agony of my recent breakup. My four year relationship ended abruptly when my partner walked away, leaving a deep, unhealed wound in my heart. No matter how much I try to forget, I can't seem to let go, feeling lost and unsure about my future without him. Despite my best efforts, I remain consumed by the emptiness he left behind, and I just needed to share this pain here.

[@AntjeMoench]

It's incredibly hard to move on when someone you love becomes just a memory. I was in a similar situation when my five year relationship fell apart. I couldn’t imagine my life without him and fought endlessly to get him back. In my desperation, I reached out to a spiritual guide, who helped me restore what I thought was lost forever.

[@ChristineCole-u3f]

Interesting! I’m genuinely curious how did you discover this spiritual counselor, and what’s the best way for me to connect with someone who could help me in a similar way?

[@AntjeMoench]

You should meet Fatherabulu, a highly regarded spiritual advisor who is renowned for helping people reconnect with their ex partners. His unique methods and spiritual insight have restored many broken relationships.

[@ChristineCole-u3f]

Thanks for sharing this valuable information. I just looked him up online and I'm impressed.

[@janislonsdaleleader3078]

I think, for a narcissist, feeling loved equates to being given what they want. If you stop giving them what they want when they want it, their discomfort In that situation IS uncomfortable for them. They interpret the discomfort as heartbreak. They haven't been darted in the heart, they've been darted in their deeply fragile ego.

[@AnyaAnnika67]

Bang on. It's the fragile ego that is ruined not figuratively the heart. I used to think I was heart broken by the narc but I realised that was my inner wounded self talking & unsatisfied libido that I projected onto the narcissist. Jes' my narc turned out to be my cyberstalker it certainly was a crazy situation to be in, it broke me apart in the end but I've slowly built myself back up.

[@annstar2793]

Yes!!!!

[@winning3329]

It's all about the ego

[@tracyroose750]

Well said, and totally accurate.

[@julietardos5044]

OMG, you just described my mother. Totally on the nose.

[@sparkygump]

Can't break something that doesn't exist.

[@marthareichhold8201]

Well said & SO true!!

[@byhisgracecombs8852]

Wow that speaks volumes!!!

[@rebellaire55]

This 💯💯💯. You can't fix the fake

[@elainakourepenos1951]

Wow! Great take. Thank you😊

[@sallyfrost5002]

Narcissists only have "broken hearts" for themselves. Their hearts will never break for all the hurt and pain they give you. Self pity isn't the same as love. Narcissists will never know what true love is. They are satisfied with self love and shallow relationships. That is their punishment. Healthy people are never satisfied with shallow relationships. Healthy people always want to improve their relationships. A great saying that sums it up is - "Better to be Socrates dissatisfied than to be a satisfied pig!" Hugs to all survivors of narcissism.

[@stingylizard]

What Sally said...

[@pamwhitehouse5961]

I love that saying😂❤

[@ΚατεριναΣτρυμποπουλου]

I absolutely agree with you!!!!

[@Cy-bz9jh]

I actually remember at one point thinking "being with you is like standing in the baby pool while at the beach next to an ocean". Hugs back to you.

[@gingerpickett6958]

I kinda feel bad for narcissists. They’re missing out on so much.

[@youngblood8540]

I killed my own happiness, loving the narcissist more than myself. By staying when common sense was telling me to leave. Narcissist: "What do you mean, you want a divorce? You're suppose to love me no matter what". Victim: "I think you got me confused, with Jesus".

[@moniquejackson7741]

They really selfishly twist the For Better or Worse, Till Death do us Part.

[@tlove6932]

It IS a tremendous Blessing to have a personal relationship with The ONLY Savior of Mankind. Jesus Christ💫🕊 Wow! I didn't know you were a Christian? Did you get Baptised?

[@tlove6932]

@youngblood You are a Christian? What denomination?

[@youngblood8540]

​@@tlove6932I was raised Orthodox Christian.

[@youngblood8540]

@@tlove6932 I replied, but youtube deleted it, I don't know why. I was raised Orthodox Christian.

[@ellobo1326]

The only things a narcissist loves is admiration, adulation, and obedience. They cannot/ will not ever love another person. They only love themselves.

[@sinemozturk9468]

Deep down not even themselves

[@fuzzynippleman]

I'm blad you added "obedience." Capitulation. That's NOT love. At all. Not even close. They feel better, it seems, when they have someone going along with their shitty behavior and make it easier for them to deal with their broken and fugly emotional core. But that's not love to the rest of the human race. They don't recognize you and can't ever love anyone else in any kind of real way. "Obedience" is a far cry from what any sane person would call love.

[@allemyr]

@@sinemozturk9468they dont love themself at all. And about the heart broken topic. They have completely broken heart since their grow up period. Their hearts is so broken that they have deamon energy inside them. They have no contact with their body. they cant heal wont heal their hearts. And a deamon heart cant be broken.

[@user-wm5jc3vl1y]

Do you define what should be called "Love"

[@deeh5126]

Did you even listen to the Dr in the intro? She stated that it would be arrogant to say that narcissistic people don't suffer broken heart, or even that they cannot love- keeping in mind that what they experience as '"love" is lopsided. Listen, I know all of us have been hurt, deeply, by narcissitic people. That is why we are all here. But the effort that goes into dehumanizing people by this community is on par with the effort to stay in delulu land regarding the humanity of narcissitic people. They are people too, and having learned about them and how they move through life, I understand that they are deeply flawed and traumatized humans- and they likely would never choose to be the way they are (unless they are also ASPD, in which case they may be totally ok with hurting others every time they turn around). But acting like they are something they aren't is not dealing in reality. Learn about these patterns and red flags and teach others if you can, and stay the hell away from them. But don't take away their humanity because you don't like them. Don't allow yourself to be in a world of delusion, just like them. We are better than that- we need to accept reality.

[@sushmayen]

Its hard to be with them and its hard to leave them. Choose your hard.

[@annesummers8612]

I chose me but not after dam near loosing myself to his lies 17 yrs is long enough especially since I now know he was never who I fell in love with thatan never existed I just didn't know that part yet til now. Praying for a better way to live my life now that he's used me up

[@vickibazter3446]

​@@annesummers8612 I hear you loud and clear.

[@kathiejl1]

Thank you for putting it that way. 😢❤

[@cherrybacon3319]

I chose the 'Lesser of two evils'.

[@HJustme855]

My mother used to say " Don't throw away what we had". I didn't throw anything away. I was made responsible for the functionality of the relationship.

[@annberlin5811]

Your mom said that wow

[@HJustme855]

@@annberlin5811 And what my mother said was because I wanted some space to have some life of my own and a boyfriend.

[@carolnahigian9518]

mom abandoned me- by age 3 I found a Sweet Lady up the street who nirtured me! Joy!

[@HJustme855]

@@historyiwitness5915 What's your point? My mother wouldn't take responsibility for her behaviour in a relationship? Everyone else was at fault for what she did. Whether.it was aggressive or violent or devaluing behaviour it was consistently ''Look what you made me do". Bad grammar happens. Particularly on social media platforms when typing on devices. It's not a crisis.

[@HJustme855]

@@historyiwitness5915 Don't worry about my family dear. And it's not Dr Ramani I'm worried about and neither should you.

[@cymbolichuman433]

"My needs have changed" I need to go through a day without being yelled at all day, all those attempts at coercion, lack of faithfulness.... By the time you realize you're dirt under their shoe, you no longer care if they got a broken heart. That is, if you learned your lesson about them.

[@bumblebee_ms]

When my ex said I broke his heart when we broke up for good, I said: "You'll get over it" (just like he said to me many times when HE hurt me). I saw it in his eyes that he was pissed off he had no good comeback. And that was that.

[@Sunshine-ro6ws]

❤

[@ZenobiaII]

This lady truly understands. I think it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that she is the greatest narcissism expert to ever walk this earth

[@mollykayramstack6193]

100%!!!

[@evoz4489]

They lack empathy. They don't know what a heart is.

[@bradmcewen]

The narcopath broken heart...yes indeed the grieving of lost, steady, abundant supply.

[@HJustme855]

Narcopath is a great term 👏

[@realhealing7802]

Exactly! Loss of power isn't love.

[@Nat-oj2uc]

@@HJustme855 dunno to me they all psychopaths and there's no fundamental difference

[@meleze3382]

They are incapable of loving anyone EVEN THEMSELVES!!!!!

[@IsabellaPiesch]

🎯

[@ΜαρίαΧρίτη]

A broken EGO more than a broken heart: the best way to describe what happens... Thank you

[@pamelamartin9901]

My husband would only miss the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. He would not miss me. He has never taken the time to know who I am. 53 yrs wasted.

[@mariellarobles3372]

He said I disappointed him and I wasn't what he thought. Disrespected, humiliated and a broken spirit was all he gave me. I am slowly rebuilding myself after he made me feel worthless. He used my honesty against me. He is secretive and he projects his own doings on me. I am grateful for realizing that a healthy love doesn't break one down but build one up.

[@georginaconrad2653]

I hear about counseling all the time what does that mean so far all I got was listener's not much help valuations find put I needed more I needed to know how to function get out of the relationship to be free I was overwhelmed reactive angry hurt frustrated felted helpless no where to go

[@mariellarobles3372]

@@georginaconrad2653 I am sorry for your frustration. I am still figuring out my personal issues. I hope you find comfort and all the peace you need💜💐💚

[@Summer_Harvest]

Losing 'something' they 'love', not someone. Love though? They miss the admiration that came with the love they received.

[@alenanovikava2575]

You nailed it!!! Mine used to say, " Noone is going to be into me like you ". If only I would truly have understood those words then!

[@MrRobot-jb5tI]

Narcissists will be the type to sue you for breaking their heart claiming vandalism and then tell you to fix it.

[@wingsly]

Excellent!

[@jameshunt6414]

This doesn't really make sense. It's like you've got a list of somebody's trigger words and you're trying to make them into a coherent sentence and have failed.

[@MrRobot-jb5tI]

@@jameshunt6414 Clearly it sounds like you don’t know what a joke is.

[@Ask_Daisy]

Sounds exactly like my ex narc fiance

[@Ask_Daisy]

He claimed I was using him for my sexual satisfaction meanwhile the reverse is the case cos his libido is 1000x compared to mine ..I usually feel totally drained 😢😢😢

[@XFLexiconMatt]

Narcissists and their enablers only care when you move on and ignore them. That's when the guilt shame begins, when you pay attention, they ignore you.

[@Cleomauser]

I think they suffer from a hardened heart unable to feel and understand others. What a terrible life constantly self pitying oneself.

[@idunno6480]

Absolutely!!!

[@eringobragh7]

After experiencing psychological, emotional and sexual abuse the ex said to me before I left, “It destroys me every time we fallout” “I love you more than you realise”. “I feel like a flat tyre, feel like I’m having a breakdown, I need help, baby please, I’m still yours!” Nope, nada, not today, not EVER again! I got myself out of that mess after 2 years and never went back! 10 months full No Contact and with support from Domestic Abuse counselling, I’m feeling more like myself again and my sparkle is coming back. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤

[@teresa9760]

My girlfriend died suddenly and unexpectedly. At her funeral, her father kissed her goodbye in her casket and died right there on the spot of a REAL broken heart. How incredible it would be to have a normal Dad that actually could love his daughter. I cant even be "There" for my Dad's 92 birthday or end life good byes.

[@meganlumley3719]

I've often marveled at the sight of a loving father. It's so foreign to me it may as well be a fairytale or ancient myth. I distanced myself from my father 29 years ago. It was a wise choice. I don't miss him. But I do long for the love I never had. I feel your pain.

[@zweisteinya]

Sorry for your pain. My mom was such a miserable Narcissist, living the family lie of being Christians - really Ashkenazi refugees - that when my body went into a coma after a bicycle crash, it's first soul left. Now I am trying to identify what soul I am who repossessed this body.

[@gingerpickett6958]

@@zweisteinya oh… not the family lie of being super religious. I’ve seen that one before…

[@annesummers8612]

My ex used religion as a cover for his profile

[@hailey8941]

Such a striking juxtaposition between my father, who encouraged me to jump off the roof when I was in third grade cause I wanted to ☠️ and he wanted me to ☠️ as well. Took me a LONG time to realize no parent should encourage their elementary schooler to commit 😬

[@rde4017]

I had completely fallen out of love with my narc ex when I suddenly left him after 14 years. He was heartbroken and had to go on anti depressants, but while I was devastated that things had reached such an impasse, I did not feel sorry for him at all. I did not realise he was a narc at the time, that has come later after watching vids by Dr. R, but looking back I can now see everything he did was pretty much textbook behaviour of a covert narc right from the very start.

[@janeloraine6231]

When I was 7, my mom's boyfriend told me told me if I tell my mom our secrets, it would break her heart and they would take the children away from her and separate us. I didn't have the words yet to say sexual, physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. But at 7 years old I understood I had to take care of my mom and keep our family together. That's a lot for little shoulders.😢

[@mic396]

Horrible! Sorry

[@pamwhitehouse5961]

I'm sorry you had to go through this, too. 😢 It goes to show that they know what they're doing is wrong, so they have to manipulate a young mind into shouldering more responsibility than they should in order not to blow the perpetrators cover. Absolutely appalling and downright disgusting what you were forced to deal with. It makes me sad, and also angry at these nutjobs and the crap they get away with.

[@gingerpickett6958]

I wonder if it could have been different, if someone had taught you those words. I feel like the lack of education for children about child abuse is contributing to this problem.

[@Prometheuspredator]

😢

[@rozdoyle8872]

Bless your heart & wishing you all the health and peace you have truely earned.

[@barryosullivan3428]

Patricia Highsmith's brilliant novel 'The Blunderer' illustrates so expertly 'the broken heart' of the narcissist. These folks can come across as so genuine when they express their 'emotions.' But the fact is all the grief and whinging u see is simply because they no longer have their benefits ie you. You as a person with a heart and a mind don't matter but what u can do for them certainly does!

[@bridget1873]

After leaving a 34 year abusive marriage, my ex-husband told me I tore his heart out and stomped on it. Then he cried at our divorce trial and said he would never marry again. A week later I saw him with his girlfriend laughing his head off. Now she's history and he has a new wife - a mail order bride from China.

[@stanyarbrough]

If a narcissist claims a broken heart, it’s a guilt trip and DARVO. Period.

[@Buster-im5so]

Perfect timing... A former friend called me the other day- less than a week after I unblocked their phone number. She told me how 'hurt' she felt. Having listened to this video, I realize her ego was very bruised. She, again, said that she didn't want ANY close relationship. Low and behold, she's seeking more supply from me. Thank God I've learned my lesson.

[@deeh5126]

My ex unloaded on me about his suspicion of his new wife (one of the women he cheated on me with) cheating on him. He talked all about the mental instability he felt and the pain and seeing her online, but ignoring his messages.... Stuff I experienced for years, from him. When he finished I replied "You do realize you put me through this for YEARS? Right?" He said, "That really doesn't make me feel any better" LOL- it was so funny to me and I was more than happy to look into this shattering world and watch him suffer

[@pashakdescilly7517]

Splendid.

[@Jessicahurst1]

He already suffered immensely to have himself fractured like this and see sleights and betrayal everywhere. I’m glad for information about this dynamic, but I struggle with the schadenfreude and witch burning aspect. The best revenge is living well.

[@kathrynhayes1799]

👍🏻

[@mrsherwood2599]

Classic. Classic.

[@ThePossumone]

Karma Or You reap what you sow

[@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538]

Or "Why do you hate us?" Fortunately, when this was said to me, I had been in counseling and was able to say, "I don't hate anyone." and leave it at that. It also helped that they went beyond the pale and accused me of disappointing my deceased mother. That was so painful that it snapped me out of any guilt and helped me see clearly how they were willing to treat me to try to stay in control. It seemed to come from a sense of entitlement - that no matter how badly they treated me, they were entitled to have me do what they wanted, how and when they wanted. I have gotten to the point in my life, where I need my relationships to be mutual - even if that means I have fewer relationships.

[@b8akaratn]

His broken heart for my broken spirit, broken marriage, my kiddo's broken sense of self, our broken future... Fair's fair, for whatever 'fair' means in this twisted context .

[@deha5084]

I needed this today. My ex of 13 months doesn't understand that his behavior comes with consequences. One consequence is my leaving and not wanting him as a "friend". He doesn't understand and thinks he treated me well. The finale was having elective surgery at the same time as my cancer surgery and ignoring my warning that I wouldn't be in his life if he couldn't support me during this time. But, he was such a great guy in his mind 🤣 I believe he has never been told no and has no clue why anyone wouldn't want him in their life, which is why he cannot move on. There will never be a time when he stares down reality. Thankful to have escaped that mess.

[@ratgirl13]

No sympathy for these devils. Enough said.

[@mrsherwood2599]

Now THAT'S the comment I was waiting for 😅!

[@donovangray4246]

In past relationships I came to be aware that I had a choice to either sacrifice myself for them and the relationship or leave them and regain a sense of love and respect for myself. With a Narcissist here is never going to be a backing down or a compliance for your needs or wants. It is hard to leave but for me emotionally I literally felt like I had no choice.

[@Summer_Harvest]

Look for the red flags in the beginning. If you have a clear red flag do not trust tears.

[@jadegreen1554]

Hmm. Broken heart… it’s more like a broken ego. What they do have is anger and resentment for the audacity you have for having your own right to want to exit abuse, it injures their ego. When the interaction ends, the abuse doesn’t end after their broken heart/ego. More must be said about the dangers of post-separation-abuse and how dangerous it is for survivors, and how to navigate the abuse that happens AFTER a narc/psychonarc interaction. Survivors need advice about what to expect and what narcs really do with a broken heart/a broken ego. A lot of times it is so scary, it makes survivors choose to STAY instead of deal with that anger from the Narc ego injury. That is exactly what the Narc wants. The fear of the threat of post separation-abuse after the narcs broken heart, is real.

[@jordanbetts1572]

It is rage and indignation, and a way to get source through the breakup, not sorrow or an opportunity to grow.

[@jameshunt6414]

An opportunity to grow. Sounds like you've dumped a few people because they didn't live up to your expectations. I've made no judgement on that, but an opportunity to grow suggests either they did you dirty, or you're the narcissist and trade them out for someone else.

[@Rose19695]

It sounds like you're the narcissist who got dumped. ​@@jameshunt6414narcissists don't grow or recognize opportunity to grow. They can't because their thinking is very black and white, feelings run shallow. They cannot/ will not hold themselves accountable. Ya can't grow if everybody else is blamed and you see yourself as perpetual victim.

[@Rose19695]

@jordanbetts1572 💯

[@pamwhitehouse5961]

​@jameshunt6414 It could be either/or. But it depends on the person moving on, in a sense in how one conducts themselves after being separated from a relationship. If they are more careful and cautious in what they do, post-seperation, then you would see the intention as fair and honest. Most survivors are extremely cautious in what they engage in; they take things very slow, and they also seek personal solitude-in "alone time"-to recharge their "batteries "(energy)

[@jameshunt6414]

@pamwhitehouse5961 I don't know. I mean what you say sounds reasonable to me, but there's something instinctive in me that that phrase doesn't sound right. I mean as much as anything else why would you be in a position to judge, because if they are truly a narcissist you should go your separate ways. I know the you might have kids or something is coming, so I'll save you the hassle, and anyway I don't think narcissists generally change. In the other hand victims of narcissistic abuse are markedly changed by their experiences. It just doesn't add up for me.

[@JadeyHad]

Their so-called broken heart is nothing more than a narcissistic injury. They will never know what an actual feeling of caring for someone other than themselves is.

[@VeganWellnessTribe]

My mama gets a “broken heart” every time I don’t do something the way she wants me to. Your channel has helped me trust myself, trust my reality, and step into my adulthood.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Feeling bad and not wanting to hurt anyone has got me sucked into and stuck in many toxic narc relationships. Learning to see thru the manipulations and know that my health and well being matters too. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@tad1111]

That's exactly what got me into a relationship with a female covert.

[@rozdoyle8872]

Me too , and the real hurt was to myself, In my case it started in my sad family of origin , being the one who propped up the miserable dynamics through my yest to just keep on keeping on.

[@apricotcookie4850]

Great video, Dr. Ramani. My narcissistic ex didn't say I broke his heart, instead he said "You disappointed me." I knew I was making progress on my journey when, after a moment of shocked incredulity, I was able to say "I disappointed YOU?!?!" and smile, instead of whining "Uh, I wasn't the one who lied, cheated, manipulated, gaslighted, was a practicing alcoholic in full denial, was essentially leading a double life, etc." This was years after I had divorced him, and it showed me so clearly the utter futility of ever hoping that someday, somehow, he would 'get it'. You're so right, it wasn't a broken heart, merely a broken ego: a nasty, vindictive, raging attempt to bait and wound me one last time. Thanks to you, Dr. Ramani, a lot of puzzle pieces have fallen into place, and I have left Mister You-Disappointed-Me nothing but a rapidly shrinking image in my rearview mirror.

[@HealingHeart-b4y]

I needed to see this comment. Thank you.

[@1980shameka]

What it truly sounds like is your ex is disappointed in himself and he’s projecting that onto you. Keep in mind, narcissist simply cannot take accountability for their own actions. The closest thing you will get from them in the form of an apology and confession is the projection of what they have done on to you.

[@GodsChosenMekAmoR]

👏🥳❤️💯👑👏

[@ErichNolanBertussi]

I got to say being abused by a narcissist your heart breaks long before you might realise it's time to get out sometimes, cause your stuck in that cycle of trying to get back the person you thought they were before they went al jekyll and hyde on you. and even though you remain broken hearted if you are a loyal committed perserverent person you will stay for too long. then once you do get out, you might just be dealing with some ptsd, but maybe not quite as much broken heartedness since you've seen them for what they are, and have been subjected to nuclear levels of narcissitic rage as you packed your things found a new place and moved out and went no contact.... it can be surreal being wounded but actually no longer broken hearted since your heart was broken before you got up and went... you're still suferring in the relentless calm that now persists without their rage and abuse, as the shock wears off... and it could take a good year or more before you re-find yourself and start to step deeper into who you are and being the you that was lost at the end of being screamed at for often unknown reasons. - some thoughts..

[@amandaschield5247]

My narcissistic ex told me I gave him PTSD, that his love for me was “pure,” and cried to his grandpa after I broke up with him - who told him he saw how he truly loved me. The reality of the relationship for me was much different than how he described. It was abusive, and I certainly wasn’t valued. I ended up in a treatment center by the end, yet somehow I was the one who gave him PTSD. I think his heart was broken first by his family history, and I activated it by ending our “relationship.” He saw me as someone abandoning him, again, even after he got feedback from a therapist that it was his own behavior that pushes people away. The whole narrative of a narcissistic person’s life and those abused in the process of trying to fill their emotional void, is the true heartbreak.

[@ashleighschneider8859]

Those are the exact things my very recent ex narcissist keeps saying to me - it hurts so bad, I'll do anything, you changed me, etc. It's all bullshit - and the reason I know is because I've fallen for it lots of times. I don't like to hurt anyone and it isn't a good feeling to cause this kind of reaction in someone, but I have to get through!

[@HJustme855]

You can't put their broken heart (if it exists) above everything they've broken in the lives of their survivors. Their hearts should break over their behaviour but it won't. Their heart is for them.

[@yaminiayachitam]

They act like their heart is broken only in front of me. Other times they are quite normal.

[@cherrybacon3319]

You can't break what isn't there, and never was in the first place. Especially their Heart. 🍒

[@moniquejackson7741]

So Brilliant. It's a broken Ego. The things you share with us are so detailed, and SO empowering, and not every psychologist can do it with such intuition, empathy, intelligence, and responsibility. You blow me away, Dr. Ramani. Thank You x10!

[@MsEllie2023]

Oh how I can relate to this line of a narcissist's broken heart. When I went no contact with my narcissistic mother (after the final straw that was so abusive there was no coming back from and made me realize she would never change) I got many letters from her telling me I broke her heart, but it didn't stop there. She told every family member that I broke her heart. She also posted on social media about her broken heart and how much she was suffering because her daughter suddenly cut her out of her life for no reason and broke her heart. I got calls from distant relatives and friends of hers I never met leaving voice messages saying they worried my mother would die of a broken heart. She was very quick to tell people of how she was suffering and that her heart was breaking. Of course, she never told anyone an ounce of truth of what she did that led to me going no contact. If she did, maybe people would have seen that I had a broken heart. Honestly, her lines of having a broken heart only helped solidify the need for no contact more. Once again, she turned herself into the victim after being the one who committed the abuse.

[@kryssysmith1486]

I like the metaphor of the broken ego instead of a broken heart. There was this one family member that really infuriated me. When we ended the relationship, they turned around and called me narcissistic, while all I was trying to do was point out simple truths. So, just to show that family member how it felt to be in my shoes, I sent it to the entire family. Now, this was my first and only time doing this. It backfired on me, but I had to at least say something and stand up for myself.

[@yaminiayachitam]

This happened to me many times, and I couldn't have understood why they are doing that until I found Dr.ramani. I used to think only if I tell again and again that their actions are hurting me, they will understand oneday. At the end I was called insensitive person, and I hold grudges. According to them, no matter what they did, I was supposed to just keep quiet. Now I just don't care.

[@kryssysmith1486]

@@yaminiayachitamThis is a family situation that could have been avoided because I did offer the person olive branches - three of them - yet they declined every single one. According to them, "I am stupid, I have the maturity level of a seven-year-old (referring to his son), and that I should send the letters before I send my hate speech." This talk came from my 'loving' narcissistic brother.

[@kryssysmith1486]

@@yaminiayachitam Just a small anecdote that came across my mind: my one wish when I was in my family of origin was that just ONE other person could see what I saw, which would have been so much more validating. Instead, they all turned around and took the other person's side. I'm sorry, but if they come crawling back, begging for forgiveness or telling me that I hurt their feelings, 'You should have thought of that before you burnt the bridge , and also dumping your crap on me for the last time.'"

[@tlove6932]

It's called "Projection". The toxic individual(s)/Narcissists USE Projection to Project everything THEY ARE GUILTY OF, onto their victims. ALSO, "Blameshifting" ~ BLAMING their abusive behavior & actions on you/their victims. It's NOT you. It's THEM. ©️

[@martydekkers]

How can you have a broken heart when you don't have one?

[@pinkmeadows]

Everything starts to come to surface and breaks when you take yourself away from them and cutting off their supply. Its like taking away power from them.

[@literaine6550]

My cousin and my BIL are so mean to people and then are taken aback when no one wants anything to do with them, they are totally baffled. I never could understand it.

[@peachypie8018]

Just remember this - narcissists tell lies, then more lies - leave them to it before they swamp you in their darkness. Keep your love for your lovely, loving self and those who deserve it.

[@ajisenramen888]

You broke my heart = You stopped / became an unreliable source of narcissistic supply 😊

[@Victoria-c4n]

When we think we’ve heard it all; you come up with more. Broken EGO - touché!

[@stepintoyourpower]

What a hero and a gift to humanity you are Dr. Ramani. Discovering your work has changed my life for the better in so many ways. Not only have you helped me recognise people's abuse for what it is, distance myself from the narcissistic people in my life and heal, it's also helping me to understand the world issues we have with "leadership", corruption and all the crimes against humanity that are occurring. If we could just figure out a way to get all the narcissists and psychopaths out of power, the world would be a much better place. Thank you for everything you do 🥰

[@Freedom-bm6hx]

That is exactly the big question I also ask myself: How come that we enable and even consciously elect narcissistic and antagonistic people as leaders all around the world? How can we as humans, as society overcome this obstacle?

[@scott3357]

@@Freedom-bm6hx We can overcome them by recognizing them for who they are and how they treat others. Knowledge is power.

[@clairelane3642]

As a political activist, yes, yes, yes!

[@gingerpickett6958]

Politicians try to get elected. Narcissists get political power because people don’t recognize the harm they do. People buy their lies. Our polarized politics (im from the US) probably aren’t helping. People often ask “is this politician a Democrat or a Republican?” instead of asking “is this politician being honest?”

[@gingerpickett6958]

I think children should be educated about abuse and how to spot it at an early age. It would probably be way easier to protect them from abuse if they had the words to speak up about it. And then later in life, they might recognize qualities in politicians that were mentioned in that serious talk from preschool.

[@acustomer7216]

The Narc: "we shouldn't throw away 15 yrs of marriage & 2 children..." Me: " have you broken it off with the girlfriend you got while we were married? If you have & want to commit to working on our marriage, I will agree to go to counseling." The Narc: "I put that on hold. I can't break up with her totally. If we can't work out the marriage I'll have nobody."

[@tarudiming]

This Remind me of someone😅

[@marym8028]

Well you certainly got a truthful answer there and know what to do!

[@kellithomas9080]

That’s really all they do; put their flings on hold for a little while, but always keep them within arms reach and navigate between the two, or few. It’s a sick cycle to be in.

[@mrsherwood2599]

Good lord. They are...something else.

[@idunno6480]

Wow

[@averagejane09]

I stayed at he narcissist party too long. Sadly, I do still love him even though I know what he is now. I love him the way you would still love your child even when they misbehave. I can't accept it in my life but I still care and wish it could be different. He is just wounded and will never be able to be happy. That is sad.

[@olgasampis9745]

I am happy I don’t have that feeling..I know I tried everything, and most important, I healed. Only God knows how much I tried. I don’t care about him anymore…if you showed them you care is even worst. Treat them with infifirence

[@annesummers8612]

Yes it is and I'm in the same boat u r in I thought my narc was my night n shinning armor until he wasn't and after the first two yrs of that guy he introduced me to in the beginning had never been who he showed to me until he felt he was safe enough to b who he is without fearing the loss of me and now 17 yrs later I'm 100 pds gray thinning hair and teeth r now falling out I'm still pretty in the face and frame but not for much longer if I don't get away from him like I want and wish and pray for daily now. He doesn't know it but I found his hiding spot on his little smart phone I'm always accusing him about which looks to me like my guts were right he was doing dirt

[@mayleneharrison691]

My goodness I love the way you explain this subject. I have been 6 years no contact now and working regularly with an amazing therapist since then. Life is peaceful.😊❤

[@kieranoconnor333]

The ex narc was an artist and I supported her work endlessly. Encouraging her to keep going, congratulating and celebrating her work, and funding an Etsy shop to try and help sell her work. What I’m getting at is that I supported her endlessly and loved her work. One day someone in her neighbourhood posted some work they did on the group chat in a similar style and I said “Not gonna lie, it’s pretty good”. She said that me saying their work was good broke her heart. I remember sitting there thinking, “it… it broke your heart?” I’m a musician so it’s not like I’m ignorant to the sensitivity of an artistic mind… But to act as if I said “Hot damn, your work sucks compared to theirs! And they live locally? Wow, you should ask for some tips, they’re going to be famous one day!” I’m… not sure about that. It might be because I started with “not gonna lie”, but I didn’t mean anything by it… Oh man, I feel like I’m sat here trying to explain myself to her even though we broke up over a month ago and it happened almost a year ago 😅😮‍💨

[@Freedom-bm6hx]

What helps me is realizing that it is not enough to show emotions, tears and broken heart, when I finally pull out of the relationship. These emotions and this vulnerability is exactly what the narcissist is not showing on a regular basis while in the relationship. Thank you Dr Ramani you are one of the few people on my life that made and are making a major difference ❤

[@therapistsandnarcissism]

“Jesus is close to the broken-hearted “ and it ain’t the narcissist’s icy cold heart

[@edie4321]

I certainly hope it is, as I'm praying for Christ to comfort my sociopathic daughter. I need him to be there for her in her loss as I cannot set myself there, it would be unsafe.

[@magorzatasanchez736]

@@edie4321I’ll pray with you. Narcissists certainly need Christ as close as possible to them to heal their disease.

[@edie4321]

@@magorzatasanchez736, Thank you. Much Love

[@mday3821]

Amen to that!

[@AnnaMarianne]

@@edie4321 I'm so sorry to hear what you're dealing with. It's tough when you for whatever reason can't or don't want to let go of caring about a person who is beyond cure in the world. But God is greater than our understanding and in the end all things will work out for those who love Him. I'm a believer with a believing sister, who's also a Narcissist. I look forward to heaven when she's finally cured of her personality disorder and we can have the healthy, loving relationship that is beyond us here on earth.

[@vivisimonvi]

Her version of telling me that I broke her heart is, "you've destroyed me" with tears in her eyes.

[@Cy-bz9jh]

Great episode! I got that whole "heart is broken" sobbing, blubbering spiel when I escaped - in between his bouts of rage and being blamed/shamed for *EVERYTHING* that had happened. Then I got the "two to tango" stuff about me taking personal responsibility. I went through every single thing in the narc relationship criteria. I had even gone to therapy, until the therapist got "love bombed" right in front of me. But it finally reached the point that I had to put the oxygen mask on myself first and save my own soul & sanity. 4 years later I'm still being stalked. It's very important to them to *_win_* at any cost, but the cost shouldn't be your soul or even your life. To this day, I'm sure his ego believes it was all my fault. He told me he would never "love" again, never "marry" again but within a month of telling him it was over and he had to leave (and he did - taking all my stuff with him)... he was on shady "dating" apps, so he might have a "broken heart" but his other body parts were still getting what he wanted (they were hook up apps). I think the truth of the matter was that he didn't have the next victim ready and waiting when I discarded him. He was stunned because I gave no warning, I pretended everything was fine and normal - right up until the moment I told him to get out. I moved again recently and within 10 days he tried a hoover with the excuse that he had a printer that he wanted to "give" to me. 4 years ago, before I worked through your Program for a while, I would have fallen for it. The Healing Program works!!! Thank you for practically giving it away, I can very highly recommend it. Sorry I've gone on so long. This topic just really is perfect. Makes me wish I still had access to the program to see what you had to say about it on there!! Thank you. Every time I watch one of your calm talks I can actually physically feel my parasympathetic response kick into gear.

[@DaizyEckleburg]

I was so over my narc when I left that the tears didn't work; if anything they just pissed me off. Man up! At least admit you were doing it on purpose and failed. And the final nail were his last words to me when he realized he had failed, "This almost worked," he said, "You were just stronger than I thought". Got that right, see ya! Ahole. They always have to have that last word, don't they? Until their last breath, they're going to make sure they let you know that they still have control and could take it if they wanted to but they're being generous with you at that moment and not doing it. Sure Jan.

[@yaminiayachitam]

Whenever I asked the narcissist why they dont talk properly or answer me or ignore me, they said, I broke their heart and they are hurting. I never saw any sadness in their actions though. They start rejecting me, ignoring me and be very happy with others. They will be selectively sad with me.

[@Sameer-jh3st]

Same

[@rebeccajohnson7864]

You broke my heart is code for "you didn't give me my way".

[@giancarlomartinez5630]

One pill that was hard for me to swallow was the fact that my narcissistic parents and brother are capable of feeling love because love is just a hormone and that they have a royally messed up sense of what that means in practice. Let's not forget that the love hormone is also involved in trauma bonding. The first time my ex-wife hit me, I found myself wanting to have a kid with her after. I'm glad we didn't.

[@sallyfrost5002]

Your comment is very thoughtful. Most people don't think about the love hormone being the same for abusive versus healthy people. I guess the real question becomes whether you see our actions as love or our feelings as love. This is one thing I really appreciate in the teachings of Jesus. He taught that while good feelings and intentions are relevant in so far as not being hypocritical it is our actions that truely define love. Sometimes we must act in a loving way before our love hormone kicks in. In other words we don't water a seed because it is growing but rather we water a seed so that it might grow. Christ clearly said "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you " and that his mother and brothers are those who do the will of the Father. Apart from communal narcissists (like the religious leaders Jesus challenged ) narcissists refuse to do anything loving if it doesn't get them what they want. I say to hell with a narcissists emotions and hormones if they refuse to change their behavior. You are so right in saying we all have feelings and hormones but not everyone has the altruism for others that would lead to good behavior. Christ was right in challenging selfishness wherever he found it. Thank you for a thought provoking post.

[@Hdbhshyej]

You talked about narcissism in depth, but there are no artistic ways to deal with them

[@cymbolichuman433]

When things get ugly...You have to fight dirty to win your freedom.

[@robbrewer2036]

Can't win with petulant 6 yr old in an adult body.

[@Hdbhshyej]

You mean I can't win? ​@@robbrewer2036

[@Hdbhshyej]

​@@cymbolichuman433What does it mean

[@Charlie-bc6yg]

Part of what keeps me hanging on is me not wanting her to feel the way that she has made me feel so many times.

[@xXNoMoralzXx]

Don't ever doubt someone who says they have a broken heart. Definitely don't invalidate them from your doubt.

[@rhondacooper7957]

Yes I ended that toxic relationship, and he said " I am breaking his heart" as he stood there crying. I did not give in his efforts had failed on all levels.

[@margaritaramos7643]

It’s amazing how much he expects empathy from me but I get zero. Sometimes it’s so painful to realize how long I put up with this crap. I didn’t know then. But I know no.

[@julianadebroen7944]

Hi, you said something so interesting, the narcissist broken heart act is so difficult to handle because it reminds of a parent that “got” their heart broken when one didn’t behave as they expected. Thank you for that insight 🙏🏼!

[@snownotwhite]

What they experience is losing and they hate losing, especially to their supply. That hurts their ego the most. According to them..How dare we abandon them!! They are supposed to abandon us whenever they want.

[@lt827]

It would not shock me at all if a covert narcissist I know said she had a broken heart. She goes for pity anywhere she can.

[@darcyroyce]

I actually think that this could be more of a danger in the early stages of mourning and separation. It's just an opinion and a personal experience, really, that 4 years of complete cut off I don't feel guilt anymore. I don't care how people see me, in this sense, either. A fair amount of people seem to be preoccupied with me forgiving them or even reconciling, but to me, these thoughts feel really outlandish. I think some folks find it hard to believe that I moved on, I don't care in what stage of epiphany does the narcissists find themselves. I don't wish bad on them, and I don't care if it's great, either. My very vocal, very explicit, and very public pledge was to go to therapy, clear my head out, rebuild myself and catch up in life. I did that, I am free. That doesn't mean that I need to look up the narcissists and engage with them. Nothing would make me run a mile faster! 🙏

[@fioregiallo]

I'm BAD, I saw the title and went "aw, waaah." I corrected myself but I'm currently coming up on a year of getting out of a lifelong cycle of NA/DV and my abuser's bday is the 28th. Rough time of the year for me, has me thinking about a lot. 💚💚

[@gibbiegibson8985]

After l left my ex, he said, "You broke my heart! If you don't come back to me, I'm going to kill myself"! The domestic shelter where I was at counseled me to reply, "Go ahead. I'm not responsible for your actions toward yourself" . Of course he didn't kill himself. He became so pissed he tried to present me as an unfit mother. Thank God the judge saw through all his violin playing and I got sole custody.

[@buttermonkey33]

I hope I get a judge who will see through the abuse properly and award me sole custody from my first covert narc as well!

[@jessicaabbott10]

When I was 18, my narc twin sister made arrangements with our best friend to live with her family across the country in Arkansas (I’m from California) and basically dragged me out there. I was absolutely terrified to leave home, but I went. Fast forward 5 months later- our friend’s family got tired of putting up with my twin and called her out on her behavior and said for her to either get her act together or to go back to California. So she hurried back to California, and I ended up staying behind because it was my first time tasting independence, and I was afraid of losing that independence if I moved back home. So my twin told me that she was traumatized by my decision to stay behind and that I broke her heart. She also got our whole family in on it, along with friends I had out in California. I got phone call after phone call, voicemail after voicemail, guilting me into moving back home because “it felt like I died.” So yeah, I moved back home. And it took years to regain my independence. To say I felt shame would be putting it lightly. I was suicidal.

[@andreagrazianodibenedetto1464]

5:15 this is exactly what happened to me. Was in a 1 year relationship with a cover narcissist. Every 2-3 weeks, out of nothing she would create arguments out of thin air, accusing me of thinking, saying and doing things I have never thought, said or done. She would talk herself into illogical rages that would last HOURS, during which she would beat me up emotionally, accusing me of planning to desert her and various other crazy stuff. After these attacks I was numb, paralyzed and apathetic sometimes for 3 or more days. In the end she sabotaged her birthday holiday we had planned together by having one of these outbursts the night before the flight, beating me up emotionally for more than 5 hours and leaving me too exhausted and injured to fly with her. She then met her next narcissistic supply there and now is in full limerence with this person, claiming that I had broken her heart and the new person will be fixing it. Just writing this down makes me understand how crazy this whole story is. I would appreciate a short comment by anyone reading this, just for the support. Thank you.

[@stellaariano7720]

Time is the best medicine

[@dsstephen2173]

So much of what you wrote here rings true for me. Just count your blessings. I'm still struggling to break free emotionally, but I am resisting the hoovering for the time being. I'm 61 years old, and for the first time in my life I've signed up for therapy. I'm a smart guy who believes in self sufficiency, but my inability to make a successful break has shaken my self esteem, and I am humbly admitting that I need help. Your description of the random and illogical arguments is so spot on, but by the end, it was happening two or three times a week for me. Last november, we had been planning a trip to Belize for about 4 or 5 months, and she started one of those fights in the late afternoon., and we fought most of the night, and I broke up with her, but then a few short hours later we got back together in the morning and went to the airport after she got down on bended knee and tearfully begged me to not do this to her. This happened every time, and being an empathetic person with zero insight into NPD, I caved every time - I couldn't stand the idea of hurting her. And yes, the siren's call of that intense sexual chemistry. It's just totally nuts! I hope you're doing well. Congratulations on getting out!

[@mrsherwood2599]

Ah, yes. There is no sex like narc woman sex. The way you feel when they have an amazing experience, the way you feel when they have the most shattering climax "of their lives". Like a boy scout who was just awarded the F*cking merit badge. Mine made me realize I struggled with sex addiction. Not because I had some unhealthy craving or attachment but because of how I compromised myself to get it. That was useful for me to unpack.

[@pattiburleigh1366]

Stay strong. You will get through it ❤️

[@gazzawazza76]

My narc ex discarded me then a month later text me saying she was broken. I later found out she text me to have a laugh as she was with her friends. It doesn’t bother me now as I’ve healed.

[@joeldale97ii]

It’s very hard trying to find a way to calmly express how in awe I am that in how closely it feels that this message was communicated SPECIFICALLY to me. I am trying to refrain from going on some kind of psych-spiritual typing tirade.. I’ll just suffice it to say, “freaking WOW!” .. as well as, sincerely thank you very much.

[@hailip7992]

“What they call love may not be what you call love but it feels like love to them.” Wow👏👏👏

[@roberttrough6439]

That’s their problem. I forgave them that’s enough.

[@hashh2019]

Dr Ramani- looking beautiful!!! may you be happy always

[@HJustme855]

Oh yep 💯 They definitely have a broken ego.And I really didn't want to hurt the person who hurt me and allowed me to be hurt by someone else.

[@ccharles848]

Holy cow! Your timing on this video was perfect! I needed to hear that today. Thank you so much for this and all of your helpful videos!🤗

[@Sunshine-ro6ws]

I'd like to express my sincerest gratitude. You always seem to address the issues that I'm actively struggling with as they are arising. You are helping to keep me strong and to heal. 😊

[@sherylhunter4040]

I don’t think they got a Heart. He treated me HORRIBLE. Cheated with his ex wife behind my back several times. And a bipolar lady. NIGHTMARE

[@RyudoFanel]

I originally started researching narcissism because of my ex. There are so many little things that indicate that she at least has narcissistic traits. No willingness to compromise, constantly giving the cold shoulder, stonewalling and even ghosting. But the more videos about narcissism I watch, the more I wonder whether it's not me who is the narcissist or at least has some narcissistic personality traits. Even if those around me, family and friends, tell me otherwise. But recently I've not only lost her, but also an (old) and actually quite good friendship. That's really getting to me at the moment. Every time I see one of these videos, I think to myself that maybe some parts are more applicable to me...

[@Rose19695]

My BPD mother's heart was broken when her granddaughter (my niece) wouldn't let her hold the baby. My niece did once, but my mother, after using the RR, still had a glove on that had feces on it. How did my mother expect my niece to hand over her baby to her? Yet, she was deeply hurt and stopped liking the other set of grandparents for always being present when my niece and her baby visited my mother. The other set of grandparents were there at my niece's request because my mother would throw a tantrum and rage when she couldn't get her way. I'm still at a loss as to how my mother could be upset at not holding the baby without thinking about the baby's health, that her feces would endanger the baby's life. What she wanted was more important than the baby's life. I'm at a loss...

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Sometimes their delusions really pierce reality in a big way.

[@vettemuziekjes]

"tears that soak a callous heart" From: Alice 'N chains - I stay away

[@ironDsteele]

I have a mother who's a very malignant victim narcissist I now have zero contact with. She would often use the the broken heart strategy and cry croc tears to manipulate me especially when I would attempt to put my foot down and remove myself from psychological and physical abuse from either her or my malignant narcissistic father. This abuse was constant, but had a tendency to peak around holiday season and I would attempt to leave the house because it was my only option. I wasn't filling my role as the scapegoat child and they couldn't "enjoy themselves" without their emotional pin cushion around. Now whenever I deal with any narcissist I tell them if they want sympathy to look in the dictionary somewhere in between shit and syphilis.

[@Claygone]

20 years of it. I have a hell of a story to tell 😢

[@heleneisotta4288]

Cant wait to hear this! Should be interesting😊narcisists dont have a heart

[@snblee]

Or all of the above…BUT my narc is delighting in forcing me to process the divorce. He can be the victim than…😢

[@janetbyler3576]

Its a chess game. Do nothing and find your joy in outside activities and relationships, there are so many good causes run by great people who would appreciate your kind heart and input of your energy....unless youre young and want to have kids and family then process that the divorce and wave goodbye to that "victim"

[@spacegirl226]

My ex did that. He wanted the divorce because he'd been cheating. I told him if he wanted the divorce so badly he could pay for it. It was uncontested because we had nothing of any value together, the easiest type of divorce to get. Months went by and he had not saved a single penny for the divorce. He was purposely doing this to make me pay for it. I wanted to be rid of him more than anything, so I went ahead and paid for the divorce myself. So now he gets to manipulate the narrative that I left him, I divorced him. He is now the victim and I am the big meanie who broke his heart. And then, not even a full year since the divorce was finalized, he immediately remarried -- to the new supply he wanted to divorce me for. He got everything he wanted at my expense. As usual.

[@snblee]

That’s awful! This last one was one of many affairs over our best 30yrs. But this time it’s grossly impacting our kids negatively. I can’t stay…it’s toxic as all get out.

[@MIGUELGONZALEZ-ew8gn]

You are an angel.. it took me almost 4 years to leave my first narcissist relationship and then I jumped straight away to the next one and it took me 2 years to ended it. I am free now, I am in a lot of therapy but your videos and podcasts were always there for me. Thank you very much. I have learnt so much with you Dr R.