The 3 TRAPS A Narcissist Will Use To Manipulate You & SUCK YOU In! | Dr Ramani

[@iaroslavakornach]

Not mine, but made my day -> When narcissists call you "crazy", take it as a compliment. In their twisted world when you are "crazy" you are actually "discerning" and "difficult to manipulate"

[@sunnywang1139]

Wow! That is amazing insights! 🎉 thank you for giving me this new perspective. I will always remember this from now on! I’d like to quote you on social media, would that be okay with you? Or would you prefer to remain anonymous?

[@ActiveSneakers]

And they'll also call you "controlling".

[@angelamartin2336]

Great insight: discerning, not easily manipulated, not prone to being controlled. Healing💕

[@gss9134]

Iaroslava Kornachevska: true.

[@jillijewel8922]

😳 my family call me this every single day for taking care of my pets ... Because I should be taking care of people not animals.

[@barbarastorey6962]

I stayed 48 years. I was totally blind. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was. If it wasn’t for you I would be dead! Thank you, thank you thank you!!!!

[@Lailat854]

Me too! For 30 years!

[@karladuncan6764]

I didn't know what a narcissist was either. It took something really big to make me start googling questions I had about this person. Then boom! These videos made me realize exactly what I'd been dealing with. They are SO twisted!! Mine could balance things out to keep me in the game for a long time. New supply flaunted her new prize!! 😂 Now the new supply has some flying monkeys asking me questions about my relationship w this cheating narcissist 😂 I share!! Lol. Happy to tell exactly how it goes!! Lol.

[@juanitabhim716]

22 year's

[@discovery1844]

Born to a narcissist, married a narcissist, have a narcissistic sibling. Life’s been REALLY tough. Through education, watching videos such as this I developed the skills and courage to divorce my wife, No contact my parent and just moved to grey-rocking my sibling. It IS possible folks - and life gets WAY better. It’s not easy - so prepare yourself for a battle. Eat well, exercise, meditate and have a support group / start therapy. I wish you all Love and the best of luck xx ❤

[@bonitajolie9341]

Amen Amen Amen! Same here, with the addition of a narcissistic adult child!! Why me? Anyway, life DOES get better!! I am estranged from all of the above and living my best, most peaceful life! Blessings to everyone! 🙏

[@freeheel748]

I'm 63 now. I lived your story. I'm no contact with all those people. Parents died, kids grown. My kids tell me what goes on there now. Nothing changed except the new truth teller/scapegoat is the golden child lol. My hard choice has been validated many times and I'm surrounded by mostly genuine people. Seek happiness!

[@whereisyourhumanity7557]

I was adopted as an infant, and reared by narcissists. I escaped, but they have captured my daughter.

[@d.froggiez369]

@no chains no more wow! Your story sounds a heck of a lot like mine. Very worried about my son (16 almost 17) turning out like his father too. I'm very passionate about education as well. See, I have a great idea I wish to see come to fruition one day. We need laws in place to add DV & narcissistic abuse (& the dark triad/cluster B ect) education to our public school system, to teach right along with s3x Ed. The only way I see it happening is If I can get the attention of the Gabby Petito Foundation. Just imagine if we could get Dr. Ramani & others specializing in the field to write the curriculum; we could save SOOOOOO many people. Education is what saved me (literally the Heavensent Dr. Ramani was key) & truly believe it's the best route of action to stop the aggressive spread of narcissism. Sending love to you all 💚🫂💚

[@lydiaanderson824]

You are describing my life, too. Blessings to you as you continue to reclaim your joy.

[@bronwyntanner4501]

Stayed 14 years. Left with absolutely no regret almost completely broken. 5 years free I am still finding me. The damage was horrendous. Thank you for being there for me. Education and information is everything

[@susannyambura6316]

I totally get it

[@sylviacrout5072]

Yes! Absolutely!!! If it wasn’t for Dr. Ramani, I would still be clueless about Narcissism!!!! I have learnt so much from educational videos and it’s helping me live life. I was put into a financial situation with my narc husband and I’m still “rebuilding” myself to where I can leave and never look back….. until then, it’s helping me cope and know the direction needed I better myself for my children!!! And it’s sad to say but the “joy” out of knowing its driving him crazy that he can’t control me anymore is unexplainable!!!! Keep strong! 💪🏼

[@Mags765]

🙏🏼 blessings

[@karladuncan6764]

You're right. The damage!! If I can ever get past the damage!!!

[@DcsBarbiieDoll]

14 years too 😣

[@betsbullins9442]

40 years in. Unable to leave as I'm disabled and financially dependent. I'm learning how to better my situation through the years I've been watching Dr. Ramani. You are a Godsend to so many of us Dr. Ramani!!! Thank you ❤️

[@stephanie3848]

I hope you can get out. Maybe a charity home or women's shelter?

[@d.froggiez369]

Sending love & prayers 🙏🏼 Have you applied or thought about applying for disability?? I was in a similar situation & thankfully my Dad stepped up to help me while I wait on disability. All i know is staying those extra years did immense damage, & I wish I would have left MUCH sooner (in my case kicked him out sooner). Please stay safe. Dr. Ramani is truly Heavensent 💚💕

[@SparkleAnBlake]

@Bets my prayers are with you. Being disabled and financially dependent is tough and makes you vulnerable to people like narcs. There is an entity called the Department of Rehabilitation that is a government agency that helps disabled people get back to work. In California, they helped me pay for school to get a new skill/increase career opportunities + all school supplies. Please see if your state has a similar department - best of luck. My sincere hope is that you find a way to get out and live the rest of your life on your own terms.

[@roshnis3855]

I feel you. I feel sad. I hate him. It's my empathy that makes me stay. I hate him.

[@maevebutler4641]

I SINCERELY HOPE YOU CAN SOME KIND OF PLAN IS PLACE TO EXIT THAT CRUEL SITUATION YOU FIND ÝOURSELF TRAPPED IN MAYBE CONTACTING A MEMBER OF YOUR POLICE STATION WHO HAS BEEN TRAINED IN DV IT COULD BE THE LIFE LINE YOU NEED TO GET NECESSARY SUPPORTS IN PLACE FOR YOU & ALSO HAVE THE SAFETY TO ESCORT YOU OUT OF THAT HOUSE TRUST YOURSELF TO MAKE A POSITIVE DECISION IN ORDER TO LEAVE THIS TOXIC RELIANCE FROM YOUR ABUSER I WISH YOU WELL & TO ACQUIRE THE CONFIDENCE THAT YOU CAN DO THIS

[@nanditachakravarty5236]

If you have a narcissistic mother in law staying with you and a narcissistic partner just imagine the situation for an Indian woman.Divorce was not considered an option in our times.I am still struggling to cope with my husband.This channel has been a real help in identifying the problem and finding solution

[@truthh8597]

India has the most rampant narc abuse problem I think patriarchy is the main issue that perpetuates it

[@nomakeupcutie]

I'm sorry Be different. Let's get out together. I'm here

[@loulou5886]

Same here😔

[@sararichardson737]

Hands up I did. He did sabotage my attempts to be in a position to leave every time much to my detriment material. He’s dead now and I’m hung out to dry.

[@OlympianVenus]

If you need a friend, I’m here

[@anner6342]

38 years. Climbing out of the hole, finding clarity and enjoying life. It’s a very difficult journey.

[@Kellers-Ma]

35 for me

[@jrowenjr]

43 Years for me. Always hated quitting, but I'm finally done.

[@suecleveland3226]

I tried to make it work for 46.5 years. You can’t make a marriage work with only one person trying😞 so 4 months ago I became divorced after his last affair. Something inside of me said to “let go” and save myself. I’m really struggling right now but I know I’m going to make it and become the girl I used to be way back then. She’s still inside of me but afraid to come out right now.

[@KoolT]

Hugs and hugs. Take care of you.

[@KoolT]

@@jrowenjr definition of I insanity, doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. Now find someone KIND.

[@devikakumar1095]

65 years! I'm nuts. Mowed under by obligations. Am mentally and emotionally free today at 70!

[@RZR-p6x]

It's never too late. I'm happy for you to be able to breathe for yourself. May God bless you with peace and a freed heart 💖

[@Tootsie1957]

I kept telling myself, "He'll change. Don't give up on him. Don't give up on people." It's what my parents instilled in me my entire life. I'm college educated, have a college degree, but it doesn't matter how intelligent or smart a person is, if you're going to be used, you are just going to be used & abused. Miserable. I have never felt so free, when I finally developed the balls to leave the slimeball.

[@susansherlock6934]

Unfortunately intelligence quota makes no difference if you haven't read or been taught about personality disordered people ( full NPD or on a spectrum with Cluster B or other personality disorders) . Unfortunately, this isn't taught in schools, as is sex education, the former subject is as important as the latter...

[@chayo4537]

Being practically and academically intelligent doesn't mean youre emotionally intelligent with discernment. being college educated doesn't mean you have a backbone or common sense 🤣 that can't be taught or bought

[@chayo4537]

@@susansherlock6934 a k.a not everyone is intelligent when it counts and school doesn't make you that

[@Ptls68]

Me too. I was kind of programmet not to react to the dissonance. I was so confused. Its about emotions not Intelligence but knowledge Can help bring change. I wish i had know about all this earlier in life not believing it was a normal thing and i should just try harder and notbedring the thought of loosing so.meone i loved. I didnt understand they are not loving anybody the Way i did. Once i realiced my feelings and perspective changed. If i had known earlier and not been programmet by my upbringing i Think i would never had been involved in this relationship. Nothing had given me any clue except perhaps a Warning in my instinkt but i though love could heal everything. I didnt know he could not love like that. I was taught to ignorere muy instincts and feelings.

[@Glitter504]

Understand that it’s never your fault it’s not us it’s them it’s him !!! I dumped him took off months ago he been trying don’t care DONE congrats you’re amazing tell yourself that daily !

[@kiraprough8408]

I’m still in a relationship with my husband who’s a narcissist. Going on 5 yrs and about almost 3 yrs ago is when I started questioning if he was a narcissist. I’m at the very end of breaking free from my husband. It’s one of the hardest things I ever had to do. For me, the reason why I stayed so long is because even though he treats me like crap, I’m always thinking “well maybe he will change”! He will be the person he was during the first year we were together. It’s taken me awhile to come to terms with the fact that he’s NEVER going to change 😢

[@abcfu]

I always hoped...pls get out now

[@leonah2491]

Same here…going 6 yrs

[@rubysingh4]

They'll never change

[@kapriamua384]

Leave your husband! You’re more powerful and stronger than him. Trust me I practice what I preach. You’re trying to prove to him your love and loyalty, not cause you think he’s going to change. In his narcissistic sick mind you staying with him validate him to continue treating you like crap. Best way put on your big girl panty on, call him out, and divorce him. Never go back to what broke you, trust me he’ll comeback but work on yourself in the meantime and use that pain to level up. My ex husband came back after 16yrs and the shame on his face, I’ve leveled up and he hit rock bottom. They reap what they sowed. God bless and good luck 🍀 you’ll need it to stay strong

[@iys6890]

Get out and meet a kind, authentic man. I did and it's wonderful!!

[@josh_simcosky]

I stayed with my narcissistic ex-wife for almost 5 years. I used alcohol and Adderall to numb the existence I was living in. Once I hit rock bottom of abuse (both from her and self-inflicted) I left and it has been so freeing. I have been clean and sober and clear minded for just over 2 years now and it's because of channels like this that have helped me develop skills to deal with gaslighting, guilt messages, verbal/emotional abuse, cheating/adultery, etc.

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

I used sleeping tablets 😔

[@LewsTherin100]

One day at a time!! Keep the faith my friend

[@Tootsie1957]

I used whatever I had on hand to be able to sleep.

[@annmarie3889]

Congratulations!!!

[@aprilwilcox5065]

I was heading down the same road. .I started smoking again after a 16 yr absence (with him I was up to 2 packs a day) I would take my first drink to become numb, sometimes by 8 AM ... Finally got the courage to leave last Saturday and in just these few days I'm down to a half a pack a day and I e drink a day... It feels so good to no longer be controlled, manipulated and lied to ... I can breathe again

[@cindyallen4831]

The harm to me was REGRET. I was married 25 years and saw red flags in year #5. Things got progressively worse -- from chat rooms, to texts, to disappearances, emotional cheating, secret phones, strange calls, Tinder account and ultimately he cheated on me with his next supply. I regret believing his apology and promise to do right, each time I caught him. He just got sneakier and more creative. He discarded me, at the snap of the finger, for the new supply. I'm at peace now, but regret wasting time on what my gut was telling me was not normal.

[@lorireed8046]

Your story is MY story... Word for word!

[@selfloveforever7901]

Same for me stayed too long 33 years Kept thinking he would change. He just got worse more sneakier too. Sickos should have left but was discarded once he knew I was on to him. Been over 3 years much happier living life to the fullest on my terms. ❤

[@TEG221]

I just had a relationship for about 4/5 months with a lady. At first she appeared really nice, but after a while i would see different behaviour. Late responses in texts, short answers, strange whereabouts and such. when i asked something because i had my doubts about her honesty she would just ignore the questions. all the time actually. I was going to think it would change, we made certain promises to eachother, which one was ; to just answer the question instead of jumping around them. I got so frustrated and became angry, and violent eventually. This is actually what she wanted, then she would tell everyone i've beaten her, and i was a narcissist etc. they dont look at their own behaviour. It made me doubt about myself so much, almost selfdestructive. This is day #1 for me to recover from the emotional abuse. wish me luck!

[@rainmind]

Look at your past just as a reference. Time will never come back, it only moves forward. Think of today and this week and just move forward. You still have a long precious time ahead.

[@Michael_Arguello]

Super accurate. I stayed years too long. And I did harm to myself the more I tried. Saw it for what it was, and saw my out, and took it. But even then, I was looking for validation that I made the right decision. Reject the hoover, watch how the love bomb turns to contempt, and you get that validation. Each time, every time.

[@rileyhoffman6629]

I stayed 47 years too long. It's been almost two years since I stopped it, but I'm still questioning my move. I tried to see a therapist through my medical plan; took six weeks for an appointment, then they had me see, sequentially, four different therapists. Very unspeakably awful year. Your videos helped/help enormously. Thank you, Dr R.

[@demigaines5644]

Jealousy Guilt And Threats What Got Me Into Trouble And Sucked In Was The Love Bombing This Destroyed My Self Worth And Self Esteem. Narcissistic abuse is brutal

[@aliceroberts1980]

It’s the worst thing you can ever go through with in your life 31 years to heal from

[@sweetvictory2414]

As for my mother I finally accepted that she is who she is. I set boundaries for myself with her and I move accordingly.

[@lauramangumbroome1021]

OMG! You are describing me! I stayed to make sure I did everything in my power to make our marriage work. You opened my eyes to narcissism and what I was dealing with so I could accept the end of our 27 years of marriage and start a new chapter in my life. I haven't looked back and I thank you so much for educating us on this channel. The joy has returned to my life and it's wonderful!! Two years ago, I was devastated. Now I have hope, new purpose, and I'm thriving in life! 😊

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

Compromising doesn't work. It is their way or the High Way.

[@jillybeans11.11]

Your story is inspiring! I am in the process of divorce after 33 years. I kept thinking he would change and his bread crumbs and future faking gave me hope. But when I was out of town and he got triggered and gaslit, blameshifted, projected and deflected onto our 17 year old daughter, I could not excuse it. It made me realize that i stayed to protect my kids, but now they see it,and that’s my green light to GO! Currently existing under the same roof, have one month to go before my divorce is final, and he has moved from baiting to threats. I honestly don’t know what more he could do that he hasn’t already done, so I’m pretty numb to it. I’m just leaning on God to give me comfort, and the strength not to react in this last month.

[@maevebutler4641]

​@@jillybeans11.11 hold fast with your decision to exit No matter how he tries to bait you! Practise grey rock when making your exit Blessings & courage starting a much better happier life ahead for you & your daughter

[@welshpokerman101]

This is really amazing to read. I was in a relatively short term narcissistic relationship and ended it on Saturday after brushing up on all of her antics, lies, cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, breadcrumbing etc. I am now reaching out to people as this week is currently brutal and so far, victims of narcissistic relationships are lovely people - maybe once they have seen the demon that lies in some people, they have extra compassion and understanding. I put so much energy into her and her little one, to be spit on and live a lie. But like you say, onwards and upwards, and move on. You're definitely better off Laura!

[@yime6631]

@@melisentiapheiffer3034 My narc ex husband uttered these exact words to me in an argument. I never argued to win. My marriage wasn't a game or competition to me. I hate arguing. I should have listened to him then. It's one of the only times he actually told the truth.....

[@annmarie3889]

I was married 33 years to a narcissist . I didn’t know he was a narcissist until last year, soon after I filed for a divorce because the mental and emotional abuse was so bad. He has made everything so difficult for me in this process even though he has a much younger supply and supports her and her children. I never knew evil such as this existed. Thank you Dr for all of your videos they are definitely helping me get through this very hard time in my life.

[@1badassrn129]

I'm thankful that you were able to get out. You are not alone. I too recently filed for divorce after 3 decades of being together. You are free now. I didn't know what he was until after I filed as well. Don't feel bad about that. A lot of us were fooled because our good nature could never conceive of such evil existing. You're a good person I'm sure. Find yourself again. Good luck to you! 🙏🏾

[@maevebutler4641]

Life most certainly gets so much more happier Best wishes ahead with a beautiful New life ahead

[@heidiranger6106]

Who cares that that Narcissist found a younger person to torment! Just be glad it’s not you! There are plenty of Fish in the sea and you may want to hold off casting out for awhile, but next go round, make sure You are the One doing the Interview or “Passing out” or “withhold” the Roses! They Must “Qualify” for the Position of being your “Soulmate.” You do the Hiring and firing next time around! You are Your OWN BOSS!

[@annmarie3889]

@@heidiranger6106 thank you for your response. I will definitely take the advice.

[@heidiranger6106]

@@annmarie3889 Good Girl! Jesus says you are Beautifully and Wonderfully made! We can do all things through Christ who gives us Strength! Let him mend your broken mess! He will bring Beauty out of the ashes!🙏💕

[@stacyjaye6350]

I actually had a narcissist give me a STD in my youth. She came back 40 years later, I totally forgave her. Little did I know she was coming back after all this time, to discard me. I got love bombed via Marco Polo! Who knew? I was so upset, so ashamed for falling for it again, that I pretty much collapsed. I stayed in the fetal position for like 2 months, until I developed a huge ulcer in my stomach. I got to the hospital just in time for them to save my life. They take everything.

[@candescentmoon2181]

I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for 4 years. It's taken over a decade for me to start feeling like I have the capacity to make good decisions and set healthy boundaries. I'm beginning to look at dating again, and there have been a couple narcissists approach me, but I've cut them off immediately! Now, I"m beginning to trust my judgement again. It's been a long haul though.

[@bonitajolie9341]

Dr Ramani: When is it too long to be in a relationship with a narcissist? (My) Answer: Day one!!!! Honestly, I did stay way too long. 10 years too long, at the cost of me losing myself and my sanity. Been out for 7 years now. SOOOOO much clarity now! Life is peaceful and happy on the other side. I implore any of you in this type of relationship..... GET OUT ASAP, but do so safely. Life is too short!!💖

[@andreasv9472]

What to do if you have children? Being the father I doubt I would get sole custody

[@lucyt-c8092]

@@andreasv9472 be very careful.. have a GOOD lawyer- don’t make excuses / lie to your children . Set yourself free and give them a courageous parent that they can admire and emulate. plan plan plan- carefully!

[@lynsiehale1601]

I’ve in this party for over 19 years and still in it. I just started learning about all of this and gaining the strength every day to get out

[@brandyreneecarrillo3517]

You can do it!!!! I promise you will be happier!

[@sunnyadams5842]

You will only regret the time you spent with the narc, never the day you left! Good Luck. You got this!!!

[@christineleonido7012]

You got this. I’m in the same boat as you. One day at a time.

[@Fatemaforlife]

Good for you

[@gklein2924]

The slot machine analogy is perfect!

[@nancylasavath5992]

Unfortunately I stayed 5 miserable years with him, hoping things would get better, but that day would never came. I’m 3 years narc free and life is peaceful and calm 🙏

[@talbenavraham1478]

It's hard to leave because of Stockholm syndrome. After years of gaslighting and abuse we no longer see reality and our misery prevents us from seeing the blindingly obvious. Personally when you get angry at yourself you will take action.

[@chayo4537]

No wonder ppl have a problem with anger cause thats where the truth is

[@Marian-el4lq]

I stayed in my marriage for 30 years. I broke up with him multiple times during dating & engagement but he hoovered me back & blame shifted me. I was 17 when we met so I had no idea about toxic relationships. Once married I blamed myself for getting myself onto the mess I was in.

[@ruth8911]

It's not your fault❤️

[@finnsya8054]

The gambling analogy is a good one for me because I've always said about gambling, "What's so fun about losing money?" Little did I know those same sentiments could apply to the relationship I had with the narcissist.

[@Tootsie1957]

I had been in a narcissistic relationship for nearly 4 yrs, before I finally saw the "light." I was very depressed. This man used me, gaslighted me, always told me how I wasn't supportive of him. Bull___t. All I ever did was support HIM. 😭

[@pwhite5411]

I was 60 years old before I went No Contact with my N mother. It makes sense to me bc I was raised to not trust my decisions. I knew how she would react if I went no contact and I had to be prepared and armour up for the battle.

[@erin3291]

had a narc father, sister, spouse…and 2 spouse ….my advice …run for your life ….you deserve respect and you are worth it and most importantly you will get your “peace”back 🙏🏻✨💖💞

[@ruth8911]

Amen to that ❤️😘

[@msher33]

Now I know why I always second guess on tests. Growing up with two malignant narcissistic parents is pure hell. Narcissistic mothers are devils from hell. Idk why the world puts ALL moms on a pedestal. Going no contact with my narcissistic mother has been the best and most healing decision of my life.

[@margaretgrace5902]

35 years. Had traditional marriage counselling , no help. I didn’t understand narcissism but he was everything you describe. Left him after he started an affair. That was my fault too. If thought it was a midlife crisis, and he was developing dementia (the gaslighting). Learning from Dr. R has set me free. 5 years out, and I even found love with a normal partner. Dr. R is my daily dose of therapy since 2018. So grateful.

[@bcarolinaw]

this is part of why i believe in God. This was exactly what i needed to hear. i have JUST ended the relationship, after trying so many times to end it, after every redflag, and here I am, feeling broken, unsure if i really should have ended it, if the problem was my lack of patience or whatever. Thank you for helping me with the guilt and all.

[@syenite]

I'm so glad you are getting out. The problem wasn't you. May God guide you to better things, you deserve all the blessings.

[@ginacollinson2958]

me too

[@PhysicalEntity]

Glad to hear you are doing better. Also the algorithm probably recommended this video since chances are you’ve been taking the initiative to educate yourself. Give yourself the credit first, god will not mind

[@sararichardson737]

Now you know to trust yr gut (God speaking to you) and never second guess yourself. Heed your gut and remove y’self from the scene.

[@surlif]

Amazing analogy of slot machines and living with a narcissist! I stayed with narcissist over 4 decades too long. I can tell everyone from my experience that Dr. Ramani KNOWs what she is talking about. I did excessive harm to myself!! 😥😞

[@maryamory1549]

My twenty year marriage. While all of this constant confusion, manipulation, lies, gaslighting and the emotional and verbal abuse and mockery is going on behind closed doors, you are so overwhelmed just trying to get from one day to the next ( especially when you are focused on raising your kids, mostly alone). If you have no idea what narcissism is, you are just dealing with whatever is right in front of you. Once you find out what the hell you were dealing with all those years, you are a shell of a person, question what is real, have anxiety, ptsd, maybe agoraphobia and will most likely have your relationship with your children divided if not severed, while they just continue on , seemingly oblivious to the wreckage they left in their wake. Please listen to her and get good at spotting this and realize they are who you see when no one is around. Believe it and get out. Life is so brief. I don’t wish that hell on anyone. I am still experiencing the fallout in my own life. Narcissists are like parasites. They seek out someone they can manipulate and use and will never stop. They don’t seem to have a conscience. It is very infuriating and disturbing. They aren’t introspective, they just find a new person to use.

[@donoharm510]

💙

[@MsChris2707]

I actually got out pretty fast. We were together for almost 3 years in a long distance relationship. In February this year I noticed something felt wrong and I had the feeling that he had secrets, but couldn’t prove it in the first place. On June 24th I could prove he had lied to me and cheated on me and that very day I ended the relationship without explanation. However I felt a sort of grief I had never felt before. I started googling and found out about covert narcissism and all of a sudden everything made sense and I saw the pattern. However I’m still struggling to get over the betrayal despite understanding the whole mechanism. I think my self-esteem made it possible to leave him, but I feel damaged. Therefore I can hardly imagine what people who endured a long term relationship with a narcissistic individual must endure and suffer.

[@wildrose12.47]

Dr. Ramani, your gambling segment is brilliant! Helped me see it in a whole new way. It’s so clear, we think we’re getting closer, like the good times are adding up, but it’s just the same old wheels spinning while our lives roll by.

[@jeffreyjewell75]

Yes so true

[@amandaantico78]

I watched my narcissistic mother and now ex-husband walk away from people so easily and I swore I wouldn’t discard people like them. So, I thought that by me staying in those relationships, I could get them to see my value and how they hurt me and that they would WANT to change. Unfortunately what I really saw was that, to them, I had no value if I wasn’t feeding their needs and they didn’t care who they hurt. So I walked away.

[@cavernedmochache4455]

I stayed for a little over 2 years. I thought I was a toxic person until the veil was lifted. Today I see these people from a far. I am able to maneuver them now. I do not regret the lessons I learnt. It is paying me dividends now.

[@camokitty]

I stayed almost 7 yrs too long. After he cheated twice, multiple lies, manipulation, emotional and financial abuse..I had a few unexpected health problems that needed surgery, recovering which took me 3 yrs to get back on my feet. I wasn't working due to those health issues and he knew I had no place to go. I ALMOST gave up on life...the mental abuse was more than I could take. I started watching your videos, found a support group through the ywca and made my plan for a get away and through this found myself again. I'm happy to be alive and thankful for your videos

[@NutsNBerries]

The relationship affected your health….I remember I lost a lot of weight when I was in a narc….I couldn’t eat or sleep

[@jeffreyjewell75]

Cheating twice? That’s just what you know of …. Many narcs have 5 people on the line for cheating with …., it’s pretty messed up

[@larak4144]

While in the throes of the worst abuse at the hands of "my" narcissist I had the wisdom to write down all the hateful filthy names he called me. I being it out when I need an attitude adjustment while thinking maybe I could still save him from himself. The list is a painful reminder but the best thing I ever did.

[@nichole_maxinebrown9127]

I was with my ex since 2014 & there were so many red flags that I ignored cuz I have bpd & ptsd & he convinced me from the start that all our issues were cuz of my mental health acting up. "You're over reacting cuz of your bpd making you over think this." So every time I thought he was being a narcissist, I then immediately doubted & thought "well maybe he's not. Maybe I am just over reacting because my bpd brain is blowing it out of proportion. " So I stayed. & ended up marrying him in 2018. We lasted until he insulted all blue collar workers (so my entire family) & said "I took you out of the trailer park & you're putting yourself back there. Also you are an extention of me so that tattoo on your leg can cause me to not get promotions if my bosses see it." For me to somehow manage to shut off literally all feelings & say "yeah I want a divorce." I literally did not cry once & actually felt better the farther I drove away the day I left. He had convinced me to go with him to take our dogs swimming one last time & he of course began to cry which felt like manipulation cuz he never cried. & I normally cry when others do cuz I feel too much & yet this time I shed no tears. When we got back I loaded stuff & the dogs in my car & drove to my mom's house & as I got farther away I felt less heavy & more free the whole time. Looking back I feel like I stayed 8 years too long.

[@ChooseCompassion1]

Here’s the thing: My dear grandmother definitely had these traits. I was the favorite though, so my childhood experience is different from my cousins. I realized this as an an adult and now that she has dementia, those traits are really showing. It’s why I’m the one taking care of her, and all I can do is chuckle when she sees one of us and STILL says: “You’re getting fat”. A lot of damage was done in the past. She’s 90 now, I don’t take anything she says personally. And it has really helped me see how generational trauma works.

[@metrodcreadingcorps]

married 10 years. totally related to wanting/needing to collect the data! finally, when my partner said he would skip our child's 7th birthday party if a specific one of my friends was in attendance, the switch flipped and i knew i was done. i have been alienated from many of my friends over the years because they "disrespected" him or "betrayed" him or "acted weird." i'm reclaiming my life. but man, this is treacherous. he is pulling the stops out as we navigate the divorce process. it doesn't seem to matter what i do, any response or non-response escalates things.

[@GrungyPisces]

I really relate to this. Trying to divorce him right now. He’s flaky about our son, flips switches and goes from charming to aggressive in an instant, and intentionally tries to sabotage my mental health because I “have things so much better,” apparently. It’s been a living nightmare, and there are days where I feel I’d rather not exist than have to continue to deal with sharing custody with this person.

[@GamesNarcissistsPlay]

I feel for you, girlfriend. Divorcing the narcissist is one of the messiest things I have ever done, and mine was relatively easy. I have to say that I was never truly done with him until the kids moved out, and then I still had to tangle with him at their events. I finally went complete no contact with the enabling child. Sad, but I have to protect my space. The mistake I made was not getting counseling for her. I hope you get counseling for your kids, because your ex will turn them against you if he can.

[@PiehlGina]

Still trying to see if he can do anything to get you to stay. Know what you’re doing is right for you and get out of there! You’ll be better off

[@ScarletBrimstone]

My inlaws are all narcs. The grandmother is an enmeshment narc, the mother a covert, and the sister is a blend of the two. Getting the narc treatment from three sides was too much. It caused a lot of damage to my husband, me, and our kids. They labeled me the outsider, my husband as the attitude, my first born as defective, and my younger child the liar. We just finalized cutting ties and looking into family therapy to try and repair the damage done to us. We stayed too long... 16 years too long...

[@siminkaabi2055]

Hello Dr. Ramani, I wanted to thank you for your service to our society! Before I started to listening to you, my world was very dark and confusing! I don’t think I can summarize my victory over a narcissistic relationship! But I would love to share mine with rest of the world! How you can find yourself again and over come it! God bless you🧘🏻‍♂️

[@garycordle5295]

Once I learned what I was dealing with I ran off and left the party and haven't looked back 👍 Dr RAMANI thanks for the video 🦋

[@deborahcollins1100]

I’m still living with my narcissistic husband of 38 yrs and yes the damage he has done to me emotionally is absolutely awful but there are so very many reasons that I have stayed with him. But this whole experience has absolutely helped me to grow so very close to my Savior Jesus Christ and He is my very best friend too. I am learning to stay here in my home at 74 yrs old but branching out doing things away from my “husband “ and I use that term loosely. I go to counseling and take a low dose of a antidepressant medication for anxiety too. I go to the senior center and belong to a weight support group and go to lunch with lady friends. And of course my family and grandkids live close by which is extremely helpful. So through it all God has my back! ❤️

[@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538]

If you grow up with it, it is your normal until something happens that is so extreme you have to seek advice, especially if you have been blaming yourself for everything. It is so hard to stop second guessing yourself - you don't want to believe family members can actually be mean and don't respect you. I thought I could just tough it out for the sake of an elderly family member (who is NOT toxic), but when I finally stood up for myself, the abusive people in my family declared me the problem and refused to attend holidays with my elderly family member if I was there.

[@janettesweeney8462]

I’m just waiting for that moment when my family decides to condemn me since I’ve recently started grey rocking my mother and sister. At least I know what to expect

[@allieyates557]

I've stayed at the party too long! I ignored some red flags early on and I've been severely unhappy in my marriage for at least 3 years. I'm currently in the midst of divorcing him. We have a 6 year old and almost 5 year old so I stayed at the party with him for the kids until I realized this was not the kind of healthy relationship I want to model to them. But once the switch flipped in August with my own therapy, I realized that this was a necessary move I needed to make. I also realized with the sunken cost fallacy video, that I have tried everything I could and was sinking too much of myself into a bad investment. I now have peace that I did what I could and it's time to leave the party/cut my losses. Thank you for your videos, Dr. Ramani! They've helped me feel SO validated and confident in who I am!

[@brendarewan7441]

Very well said. Be strong in the Lord. 🙏🏾

[@c.p.507]

Congrats!!! Did you find any helpful tips or arrangements for handling custody visits? (Handling the kids being alone with them but yet protected? )

[@allieyates557]

@@c.p.507 No because our divorce still isn't final so there is no official custody agreement yet

[@sarasol4677]

I've been gambling for 6 years BUT if it wasn't for experts like you, I would have probably been for decades! Excellent analogy, Dr Ramani. Thank you! 🤗

[@shahadah1451]

I am about to have my first holidays completely without my narcissist family. All of them are substance abusers, except my covert narcissist mom, and I am the scapegoat. At times it feels surreal; at times it feels good. I am Free from them! Now in my 61st year........my youngest life was wasted, but at least I am free now. I will maintain distance for the sake of my young grandson.

[@galejohnson8086]

I stayed for 32 years, wanting the relationship to end for the last 13 years. Why did I stay too long? First, i was afraid of doing the wrong thing, hurting her beyond repair. Second, I knew it would be awful when I actually left, and indeed, I underestimated how much abuse came when I left. I ended up hurt financially as well as being mentally and verbally abused. There has been rumors told about me, accusing me of having dementia, and on and on. Those on the outside that say, you should have left earlier, haven’t been in my shoes. I have been in the actual process of total breaking it off for 10 months, and it is almost over now. Others, in helping me leave, have for the first time observed the hate thrown my way, and they are shocked. Remember, it can be dangerous during the actual leaving.

[@jenniferyates8100]

Thank you Dr Ramani, you are brilliant. I have been through the bating. If I didn't react, he would flood the kitchen or bathroom floors, and walk away with a smirk on his face and leave me to mop it all up. I said he would argue with air. He would come back later,all smiles as if nothing has happened,and make a cup of tea. Not together now. Long story . Your videos are very much appreciated. 🙏🕊️⭐👍

[@Elizabelibby]

Amen regarding the damage done to self. I still don’t trust myself making decisions. I chose this person!

[@susansherlock6934]

Or they groomed you originally to choose them...

[@chayo4537]

@@susansherlock6934 whatever it takes to not take accountability for your life. So be it! 😃

[@priscilalondon]

@@chayo4537 we know that narcs are actors who live to study their victims in order to learn what makes them tick. No victim-blaming, alright?

[@lisanilsson6386]

I am 12 years into the relationship with a narcissist. I have a narcissistic parent and a past relationship with a narcissist. Now I am almost 53 years old and I am completely broken down but I finally understand! Many thanks to you Dr. Ramini for all the help with insight into my situation. I have been listening to you for about 1 year and you have helped me so much. Thanks for all your help.

[@charsnyder3778]

I stayed in toxic/abuse bc I made a covenant with God and my husband when we got married. He NEVER changed! Everything was my fault! Not until I discovered that he was cheating on me and discarded me did I get it! I believe God orchestrated me seeing the real guy I was married to! Now I’m fighting to get away from him permanently! Thank you Dr. Ramani for opening my eyes to truth!!!

[@Kellers-Ma]

I totally understand... I did the same for 35 years. Remember God doesn't want you to suffer. Love yourself. God bless and good luck.

[@laurasluss6957]

My story sounds like yours! I working to permanently get away from my spouse too.

[@ms.budgetmom8472]

Same story, 25 years, finally divorce 10 months and loving life... lots of peace in my life now!

[@charsnyder3778]

@@Kellers-Ma THANK YOU!!! God bless you!!!❤️🙏

[@buffster948]

@Char Snyder Good on you. Be brave, stay strong, get help from people you know you can really trust. Hope it works out for you. Sending hugs.

[@sjmullen6691]

I not only stayed at the party too long, I kept coming back. I can relate to being prone to regret, and second thoughts.

[@lgarelick]

Oh my gosh yes! That was me. Relationship lasted 6 yrs. Wasn’t sure first year. Later years I kept thinking of leaving but stayed. We were only living together weekends anyway. Thought he could would change… nope. Moved in together this past year and my eyes opened to daily micromanaging, disrespect and control. Couldn’t be “wrong “ all the time. I’m leaving now. Not easy for sure. I feel sad and yet relieved and free. Which will also be a happier me.

[@HealingAutomatically]

It took me 40 years to realize that my mother, family are narcicist, wondering why it took me so long, cognitive dissonance, feeling of release now that know i dont haveto go to them, Thank you Dr Ramani i wish you the best!!

[@ErumEhmad20]

I thought I'll never be able to detach from my mother psychologically and emotionally while caring for her in her old age. All these videos have immense valuable knowledge, without which I'd still be stuck in narcissits trap. Now, I've learned to harmonize with myself by choice. And to identity when a narcissist is baiting, hoovering, or gaslighting. I let out only statements that reaffirm my belief and self-respect instead of precious emotional energy, which can be misused. I'm still aware I need to learn more, that I'm not perfect. I just never thought it was possible to feel so connected with myself, so comfortable with my being :)

[@Michellencj0920]

I laugh sometimes because in the last few weeks of our relationship my ex said the sentence, "The lies we tell ourselves are important." This was a massive moment for me. I dont remember what we were talking about, but i highly doubt it was anything to do with us or our relationship. But it made me realize... the lies i was telling myself were no longer important. I remember when he came to visit the city i was living in after a breakup, and was saying that we should get back together... he was sorry, he realized his errors, was willing to work on them, he gave me crumbs of the things I wanted... I remember saying to him, Im an idiot for believing you. There is no reason for me to give you another chance (this was 6-7 yrs into our relationship with 3(ish) breakups prior). I had said this to myself each time we broke up, though. I knew it wasnt going to be different. I knew it was never going to change. But I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe the lies he was telling me while trying to "get me back." I wanted to feel secure, even if it was temporary. I lied to myself. Maybe just as much as he lied to me, even if in different ways for different reasons.

[@nickieglazer33]

Wonderful introspection! Thank you for sharing.

[@grantscullard3542]

This is so very accurate. You just want to know you are not being “cruel” and, at least in my case that stepping back is labelled as “shameful” do you feel a lot of guilt, but finally I am clear about what I am dealing with.

[@Wavicle]

I stayed 23 years too long. Not because I wanted to be 100% sure - because I thought the problem was me.

[@shalinimathur401]

You are saviour Dr Ramani, although I'm out of that nasty drama but I still listen to your videos so that I can help others.

[@user-ge6uo2ry2b]

Def overstayed. Saw the cracks a few months in and stayed another few years. You are so right about needing to be right and mentioned our research, podcast, books, scholar articles qualifies as a degree! I overstayed after being in a loooong previous narc relationship and was so excited about this new man who ended up actually being much scarier. I couldn’t let go of the idea ‘I did it again’… Thank you for this video.

[@Kellers-Ma]

Was in it over 35 yrs... out over 10 now & still learning. Thank you Dr Ramani. I understand more now that I didn't see before. I'm also trying to be the support for my brother who's in a very abusive marriage & feels he needs to stay or he's a failure. His wife left after cheating on him (again) & he's trying to get her to come back. So hard to see him & his kids go through what I know is harmful to them.

[@laurelvance5533]

Its been 43 yrs of pure torment. Now, I'm retired and cant afford to be on my own. Its VERY obvious that he is a narc and will never change. But as bad as it is, it has helped to finally understand what the real problem is. I have gained new perspective and how to no longer have hurt feelings for how he treats me,,,disregards me, disrespects me. But I still am put through the fire daily. Omg, I wish I could find a way out.

[@dchumak8250]

Contact an attorney. You never know what narc has hidden away.

[@freebird901]

I'm in the same predicament 33 yrs I'm totally exhausted...I started looking for a divorce lawyer and to my surprise I found one that specifically deals with women in narcissistic marriages. I haven't spoke with him yet, but plan on it soon. Who would of ever thought that this existed!!?? It gives me alot of hope no doubt. All I can picture is the lawyer asking questions to my abuser and him being shut down and not being able to answer with the truth. It's like making a worm, squirm. This type of lawyer may be in your area. Definitely worth looking into. Wishing you the best and stay strong 💪⚘️

[@laurelvance5533]

@@freebird901 Like you, I am completely drained. But it is encouraging to know there are attys out there who are aware of these issues and know how to deal with it on our end. So happy for you. Hope your life takes a huge turn for the good. Best wishes and thank you so much for commenting. 💕

[@freebird901]

@@laurelvance5533 your very welcome and thank you for the kind words. I'll be searching for therapy as well, it's much needed. Stay safe and blessed 🤗

[@jeanie5074]

Just trust God, that He will help you to get out. For your own sanity, and physical health, just get out, and you’ll be set free❤️🙏

[@jacobopstad5483]

I've really noticed the trend of baiting in my wife recently. I've had to stop and remember that when I get angry, all I'm doing is tipping her off to how she can manipulate me.

[@jonathanomahony688]

I stayed 35 years, I didn't know what was going on with him. That one day a light switch went on and I knew something is wrong here. I went online and did research and found your information. I education myself and sure enough I saw my husband on each video. Up and beyond I said I am done, told him get his stuff and get out of life ( I discard him ) because of your information. I told him I know what you are a narcissist. I went no contact that was 4 Mt's ago. He never got in contact as he knows I know now what he is thanks to you. I am now living for me self love. What a blessing you are to people like me, you have given me back my life and I will always be very grateful to you for that. Cannot tell you how much your information has given me a better understanding of what has been going on for 35 years in my married life. You are like a angel sent from about to help and guide us from theses kind of sick people. Keep up the great work.

[@brendarewan7441]

👍🏾👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽🙏🏾🌺🏆

[@colleenbrennan6356]

I stayed 20 years. I had disabled kiddos, and now I have some pretty serious issues. It’s really difficult. I wish I could have left much much earlier.

[@karlasilis-cruz528]

7 yrs in a narcissistic relationship and working on leaving. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your KZbin videos which i watch religiously everyday. I found this video very helpful because my boyfriend has used all of these traps on me.

[@lionheartklaric3729]

I have been in 4 narcissistic relationships. 1st was 11 years and an overt, then 4 year with a vulnerable, 1 and half years with another vulnerable and most recently 7 months with a vulnerable. The 7 month relationship did the most damage to me by far. It could be the pile up of narcissistic abuse O have had over the years too. That last relationship was done really by 3 months. I had enough days. But didn't leave. By the time I left I lost all dignity and 6 months on am only just healing. The last narcissist was actually the most obvious, the most unpleasant and most outwardly abusive. I ran when there was zero possiblity to stay anymore. I was not able to suck up the abuse anymore as it was so obvious and so bad. That's my story.

[@robertsimmons2025]

Thank you again for your helping me better understand what a narcissist will do to you when they bate you into a fight or gaslight you into a fight. I have learned so much from your videos. And now im trying to get help and then back to somewhat normal. I wish I had known about this kind of behavior before I got into a relationship with my narcissist. God bless you all and I hope you’re all doing better than what we all have been through. MLAR to all of you.

[@mickyj286]

I often ask myself that question… Over 20yrs of friendship.. Saw the red flags initially but thought it was immaturity… The covert ones are so dangerous, they will slowly chip away at the empath until they had become more powerful to take control.. At the break point , we develop anxiety and sometimes PTSD ..

[@rabinraj15]

Ageed!! & the devaluation/dehumanization starts 🤯💆🏾🥹

[@NatalieBruce24]

Didn't realise my mother was a narcissist throughout my childhood, and even years into adulthood. Because she didn't display the more typical and grandiose narcissistic characteristics. It wasn't until I learned about covert narcissism, that it all clicked. Coverts are much more sneaky about it. And with my mother it was always about playing the victim, and using her illnesses as a weapon to manipulate people. And using threats, including self harm or suicide to get her way. It has caused me to have serious anxiety issues starting from childhood.

[@estherkumi6519]

I was one of those who wanted to be 100% sure I had tried everything. A couple things caused me to finally say enough was enough: 1. Reading the book "9 things you simply must do to succeed in love and life" by Henry Cloud. One of the things he talks about is: "Pull the tooth". If a tooth is bothering you, it affects everything in your life... pull it and move on. In that section he says "One of the worst things you can die with is potential. Die with failures before you die with potential." This hit home because I realized I was afraid of failing. So... I now have a 21 year failed marriage under my belt, but I'm now able to work towards fulfilling whatever potential God has placed in me without all the drama, and with a ton of peace. 2. I was talking to a friend about the dynamics in the relationship and mentioned that I was waiting for proof of something I suspected and my friend asked me "do you really need proof?" And it dawned on me that the fact that I had doubt was enough. I didn't really need proof. I was looking for some justification to call him on it, but I didn't need justification. The fact that there was a lack of trust in the relationship was enough. But I will say that because I did try everything... and I mean everything, I was able to walk away with no regrets. Because we have children together, I can't completely go "no contact", so there have been a couple moments after I left where I wondered if maybe I missed something. But then, being able to remember everything I tried, and the results of those attempts, I was able to laugh and shake off those few moments of doubt.

[@carriemcm6250]

After 37 years of marriage, I thought this was verbal abuse but a friend just left because of narcissism. So I started researching. Your videos have been so helpful. I contacted an attorney today. Thank you.

[@oscarikenna-dv3tx]

Carrie McM,You deserves better 🙏🙏🙏

[@almostbetterthanmartha7673]

You made my day. Thank you for sharing. I just got dumped last year by my husband of 27 years. I had entered the acceptance phase, but didn't know what it was. My mom told me the word narcissist I started researching. My family knew and saw things all along

[@jenniferyates8100]

I have been married 35 years, doesn't get better. Take care of yourself. 🙏🕊️

[@charloettelay8971]

I have been with my husband for 31 years now. I did not realize he was a narcissistic person till about six months ago. I have wanted to leave him for so long I don’t know exactly how long. I am in the process of getting my own place now, my boys are all out of high school so it is my time. Thank you Dr. Romney for opening my eyes and explaining why I have been treated like I have.

[@Lailat854]

Oh my God, just like me! i am so happy I am not alone. when I knew, I was pissed on myself and felt soooo stupid. Now I am out too!

[@heymickey4125]

My life is great, I make a lot of money and I don’t help my family, I favor the light complected family members, and I was never bullied in school, I had a great childhood my narc sibling and mom have told me. All the completely opposite of who I really am.

[@oliviawells3764]

The rumination finally stopped, Dr. Ramini ❤️‍🔥🌺

[@robertsimmons2025]

I stayed for over 7 years before I had to leave. Yes i did try to make it better. BUT. The harder i tried the worst it hot for me. And yes I wished I had gotten out sooner. Im still going through this and hopefully one day I’ll move forward with my life. The best thing is im out of this madness and just started to heal. I wish it never happened to me. And anyone who is going through this. I pray for you all. God bless you and you will get through this. 🙏

[@connienorton6525]

I stayed 11 years. After 2 cheats I know of but sure there were more. After being thrown out 6 times, a gun to my head and thrown out 2 months after a stroke I married him this past Feb and he left in May. Now he has ghosted me, won't answer the phone and has moved somewhere but will not tell me where. He has told people including me that I stole from him but will not give me a divorce!! Don't think he will come back this time although I do love him and miss the good times we shared. He has destroyed my self esteem

[@marciabradley7660]

I helped a friend move out and move back in, without judgement. She wasn’t done yet and needed to gather more data. We all know when we’re done.

[@zibratesmom-giftsforlife8751]

I’m at the point of waiting to make sure 100% sure - even though we’ve been 25 yrs married; I just realized what’s been going on 2 yrs ago. These videos are really helping and just started counseling as well. 😌

[@susanavery6733]

Thanks! You got me through a lot I am finally no contact for three years and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me with your videos. I wish I could give more I’m disabled and on a fixed income but I wanted to show my support to you. you are an angel. You are my angel and I thank you.

[@DoctorRamani]

Hi Susan. Thank you for your generous support! Messages like yours really help me to keep making content. It's all worth it when I hear stories like yours. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I make videos but YOU do the hard work. So please know that I am proud of you. Happy holidays!

[@Doors-and-Crosscheck]

Dear Doctor, I’ve been watching your content for about 4 years now. Never commented but wanted to today. This video was incredible. I have all sorts of Ivy League post grad education in behavioral sciences. And yet - it didn’t guard me against the narcs. I had been with 2 in the past. It took me a year with the last one to spot the pattern. But I ended it. Didn’t respond to any hoovering. Spent 2 years in healing and teaching myself. Have literally watched every video of yours. BUT I STILL just wasted the last 3 months of my life with a covert narc. I DID spot her dysfunctional patterns after 3 weeks and broke up. But the hoovering and the explanations were so convincing and it felt so damn genuine that I ended up taking her back. Behaviour continued with more devaluing and triangulation. Yesterday - she did succeed in getting a rise out of me by being late to a very important engagement. And then called me a crazy person for being upset. Then called me an abuser for shouting (for like 5 seconds) because she insulted my friends. She has now smugly declared that we can’t make it work because I’m so volatile (!!!???). The gaslighting is quite destabilizing. I’ve gone no contact. Not before I told her everything i know about her shitty behaviour. The response i got was classic. “Please believe me ! I love you!” No apologies or accountability. Just this random declaration of love. I’m sad I fell for the psychotic bait. But have now blocked and deleted her everywhere to stop any attempts at hoovering. I guess what I wanted to ask was that no matter how educated we are on these people or how much we’ve already suffered, we keep falling for them. How do we put an end to this cycle?

[@jengable4888]

Immediately change your cell phone number, speak to your true friends/relatives about going no contact with her, change all passwords to your emails/any social media accounts (if applicable), and if she begins to harass or stalk, notify the police. Good luck ! Go no contact and stay no contact ...in your mind...YOU ARE ALL DONE !

[@riapius18]

Same story as yours...I am asking same question to myself..I have started therapy ...hope it may help me to get out..

[@ruchigupta4001]

I have never ever commented anywhere online before, but something in your message compelled me to share my observations on this subject: I live by the mantra that ‘time is my best friend’. I make an assumption that we live in a narc infested tank, and everyone is a suspect by default, till they prove otherwise to me by their actions (not words) over ‘time’. We cannot avoid these people. We will run into them time to time. Narc are like parasites, they will actively seek out their next host (target) for survival. Once the host is hooked, they feed off our energy and the cycle flips. Narc is thriving and the host goes in survival mode. They are masters of disguise. Anyone can be fooled initially no matter our level of education or life experiences. The analogy I tell my brain to simply this twisted logic is of ‘chocolate covered nuts’. All look similar from the outside. Only after biting the nut, you can discern if the nut is bitter. Take a small test bite, then spit out the nut immediately if it is bitter. Not much harm done, if not chewed and swallowed. Similarly, keep track of every small red flag your intuition alerts you about this ‘new person in your life’. With time a picture will start emerging when you connect the dots. This could take days, weeks, months or years. We can’t rush the process. Narcs might play the long game till they can successfully bait you. Some of the most astute ones love this challenge. In summary, this process is just like developing immunity. The germs are everywhere. Can not avoid them, we adapt to co-exist by developing strong boundaries and not letting them penetrate beyond the surface level.

[@Doors-and-Crosscheck]

@@ruchigupta4001 omg. Thank you so much Ruchi for sharing your valuable insights with me and this community. That was very well articulated. And I bet came from the horrors of experiencing these shitty people first hand. The nut analogy is brilliant & there were at least 50 opportunities for me to spit this person out because she gave me a taste of her real core but it’s hard when you start pitying these people. She had a very unfortunate backstory and as an Empath (& a psychologist!!) it was very natural for me to rationalize all of her poor behaviour. I was making excuses in my head for her short comings when I should have been planning my exit. Especially after having experience with this. But I have made a very long list of red flags I spotted (& ignored or explained away) so I never do the same again. I wish I could just get to that stage super soon when these people just naturally repulse me. Right now it’s the opposite. They are attracted to me and I’m drawn to the intense “chemistry”. Which obvs is just classic gross trauma bond. Thank you again! Here’s hoping none of us ever have to deal with one again. And if we do, we have enough immunity built to reject them soon.

[@ruchigupta4001]

As empaths when we encounter a covert narc hiding under the mask of ‘pity me, please help me types’, we tend to lower our natural guard. How to discern who we can genuinely help vs. who is weaponizing our empathetic tendencies? I use what I call in my mind - multiplication/division factor. When help, support, resources etc. are provided what did the other party do with that assistance? Did they use that ‘seed’ opportunity to grow, learn and improve their situation? If not, that is a division strike in my mental book of records. Of course, when dealing with narcs they will always have an excuse or convincing reason. Okay, you then proceed to provide round 2 of assistance. This time letting them know clearly that you expect them to make use of the resources to help themselves. They have to put effort. Narc avoid accountability at all costs. Process repeats. You can decide what is your tolerance threshold depending upon the situation. My general rule of thumb is seven strikes on the division side. That is enough for me to spot a pattern. After that time to cut loose the losses. I have no interest in knowing how deep the black hole goes. This is where Dr. Ramani’s videos have helped me the most. Narcs will take from you endlessly, if you allow. Narcs don’t know when to stop asking. Empaths have to learn when to STOP GIVING.

[@petitebri3327]

I stayed about 18 years too long, and this description matches my experience and motivation for staying. Covert abuse is hard to pin down concretely and the abuse cycle makes it look like there's periods where things are "good" and that creates hope, even if past evidence has been that it always goes south. It nearly destroyed me, which I'm sure would bring him joy to know, since he visibly took pleasure in harming me intentionally.

[@LOVEtoPLAYdrums]

This is my favorite channel. Thank you Dr. Ramani for making these videos. Helps soo much!

[@juanawashington9597]

This was a brilliant and clear view of how our mind handles the "almost wins" and gets trapped.

[@JL-hk8vl]

Finally left after 14 years. I stayed because I was afraid of hurting my son. But finally realized that the environment was hurting him deeper and worse than starting over would. We get lonely sometimes, but never again will we be afraid to come home.

[@TaraLovesGeorge]

I left mine of 14 years also, just 3 weeks ago

[@dianareid711]

29 years. That’s how long it took me to decide that I’d given it everything I could. And the damage I caused myself taking so long to come to grips with the fact that it wasn’t going to get better was catastrophic.

[@judithorr9243]

Right there with you 💕

[@sujathasunder9721]

35 yrs and I am still in it though now thanks to Dr. Ramani I understand the dynamics and working in it

[@caraelsenoldenburg8848]

Long distance relationship - 5 years, 5 discards, 5 betrays (I know, just never got an apology) resulting in broken heart x5 and loss of self. That was a year ago. The fork in the road, standing in the dark…it came down to the choice, shine light on me or no light at all. I chose me. Still hurts,but I’m getting stronger with people like you. A 54 year old woman who never had that support and guidance. Thank you, and happy new year. I’m getting ready and I will shine 🫶

[@Grrrrrrr123]

Married 27 years out six months I can honestly say I have my marriage to an alcoholic narc everything… I am feeling so much better since I left I am like a new person thank you Doc 🙏❤️

[@laciehunt9535]

I’ve asked myself why I seem to keep questioning myself but the 1st 6 minutes of this video just gave me my answer. I just realized that I’m trying to get enough proof and every time I learn something new and continue to gain more knowledge the more I feel compelled to dig. At the same time it’s like who the hell am I trying to prove it to and why do I think I can somehow learn all the tricks and tips and still live happily with these people. On one hand I’m like “Ah Ha!!! I’ve figured it out! I’m NOT crazy! I have PROOF!!” On the other hand I’m absolutely destroyed inside, my heart is absolutely shattered. I’ll be honest, sometimes It has me wondering if I was better off never knowing about narcissists to begin with, you’ll never be the same, you can never go back, you can just about spot it from a mile away! The split second of the moment you’ve just figured it out for the first time is the worst and best feeling you can feel! First you feel a rush of adrenaline and you feel good, you finally feel validated and completely understood for the first time in your life, you think “Now that I’ve figured it out I can fix it.” You can say “I’m not the problem, I am worth something, I’m not delusional!” Then, in an instant you get punched right in the throat, again it hits you in the chest & before you can catch your breath you get hit again straight to the gut finding out that your relationship had never even once been authentic.. You’re watching your 400th dr. Ramani video while you fold laundry & you hear that ONE piece of information & you suddenly understand in literally a blink of an eye. It just takes that one last piece of the puzzle to see the picture & then you get to destroy it and put it back in the box because no amount of glue can put it back together again..

[@laciehunt9535]

I added this comment before I even watched the video I paused it at 6:00..

[@TheAsai12]

Dear Dr Ramani, I came across your channel 2 years back. You have really changed my life by bringing awareness of narcissism. I hv cut off my life from narcissist people. I just wanna say thank you. You are a hero for me.

[@ShantalH791]

Almost 17 years with him, but I didn’t know until two months ago. Incredible how blind I was.

[@Lailat854]

Don’t blame urself. I was blind for 30 years!!!

[@sand0077]

Words of wisdom, thank you Dr. Ramani!

[@judithorr9243]

I stayed 29 years, and up until the bitter end I thought 1. I could find the words or actions to get it across to him how hurtful and badly he treated me, and 2. that he would get it. The last rage fit wasn’t the worst one - by far - but it finally dawned on me that this would never change. So I’ve been on my own for 15 months and life is starting to be good again at 64 years old. I listen to you a lot Dr R. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I have learned so much. Judith in Nova Scotia

[@valeriesnaden5094]

I stayed, trying so hard, with my narc mother for over 60 years until I called it quits in September. I stayed with my abusive narc 1st husband for 2-1/2 years, until he cracked my head open and cheated. I stayed with my narc 2nd husband for 18 years until I was brainwashed. I stayed with my narc 3rd husband for 23 years, who cheated twice and had me convinced it was all MY fault. I finally began watching youtube videos and learned all about ALL of them, I did some serious introspection and am free of all of them, can recognize a narcissist almost within the first 5 minutes of talking to them. I have forgiven myself, forgiven them but cut them loose. I AM healing and finding my funny, witty, intelligent, adorable self again. I AM worth so much more and won’t be falling for this again. I am now helping two friends, who are leaving narc male partners, to be strong enough to move forward. God bless all of you therapists out there who are tackling this universal silent epidemic.

[@Dynamic_heart]

Yes, I've been manipulated through the years by my daughter. I've paid attention to these incredible videos. Just when I felt I stood my ground, my daughter stated she wanted to reconcile. She hoovered me, and I fell for it. My anecdote is in a prior comment.

[@brknnphx]

It's so hard when it's our children. They definitely take advantage of us wanting to always be there. It's all our fault anyways according to them. Heartbreaking. Just had to go no contact with my son

[@Dynamic_heart]

@@brknnphx sorry to hear that. You made a strong choice. Best wishes. Hugs 🤗

[@NasTheeArtist]

I’m seeing in the comments how much time people have lost to being in relation with a narc & I just gotta say WOW! I thank you Jesus for letting me experience this at 18-20 yrs old, & that I’m lucky enough that it was ONLY 3 years in a relationship with her for me to become more discerning to narcissistic traits in people. (I’m now 23) but my next issue became this year identifying my mother & my favorite sister were narcs as well. I went no contact with them too. 14-40 years being with these type of people I can’t imagine. & I’m sorry you all had to experience that😢 Thank God we all making it out tho!

[@bonitasurges9763]

I am grateful for the guidance Dr Ramani provides. The tools and awareness are so valuable. Thank you!