Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder | Dr. Syl

[@DrSyl]

What should I react to next? Here's a link to my upcoming newsletter (use it to follow for updates for my CBT course!): eepurl.com/iMHJp6

[@75jvs]

For years I have been wondering why there isn't more collaboration or even a merger between psychiatry and neurology. It is so evident that both are so closely linked, even if we don't know how yet. But there is more and more literature about how physical illnesses (for instance Lyme disease) cause or incite psychiatric illnesses. There are even treatments for Parkinson (implant in a brain against tremors) that are being tested for patients with severe chronic depression with (some) success. What is your idea about the link between neurology and psychiatry? PS: English is not my native language, so I hope my question is clear enough.

[@scottbailey5869]

I would love to see more information regarding two aspects of Autism that, in my opinion aren’t given enough attention. One is being diagnosed later in life, well into adulthood. The second is Autistic traits for those within the LGBTQ+ community. There’s a lot of videos highlighting the high masking ability of girls vs boys. Maybe this isn’t so much a gender thing as it is an identity thing.

[@empty.1264]

dysorganized attachment style

[@NapalmThunderbum]

Where is the link for the social anxiety disorder video? I looked through your videos for the past year and I see some on generalized and anxiety disorders overall but not that one specifically so I just want to know which one you were referring to in this video in particular? Because I just today got results and a diagnosis of AVPD when I went for an adult autism assessment and I feel that they are missing my autism diagnosis based on an incomplete history and only seeing the resulting comorbidities and not truly understanding my verbal non verbal deficits that I've spent years masking for but when you mention the difference between AVPD and SAD I feel like SAD is a better fit for me but still I think its secondary to a high functioning ASD1. This is just for my own personal information as I continue to work with my established therapist and psychiatrist but I was pretty upset today when I feel like the other place made a huge oversight in my assessment.

[@amoghkm6842]

Thanks, Dr. Syl, that was a great video! I have a diagnosis of AvPD from my past therapist. Unfortunately, despite years of therapy, I didn't seem to get any better. One of the main reasons is that - my avoidance patterns would pop up during therapy, too. When I was seated in front of my therapist, I was never able to relate to my mental state during the week before. No matter how strongly I felt and how intensely I experienced it, it would suddenly seem insignificant at the moment of talking about it, and I would magically forget how I had felt when everything was in flux. Even if I had my journal before me, I would skip mentioning parts that seemed unrelatable, strange, or just embarrassing. As a result, what I presented to my therapist was always a highly sanitised version of myself and was devoid of any ugliness. For the longest time, they knew I had AvPD, but none of the therapists had grasped how bad it was. I would go around looking for a therapist who would "get me". But luckily, a couple of months ago, with my current therapist, I was just unable to compose myself during the session. The mask of being a put-together individual fell off, and it helped them realise that I'm struggling with it. My therapist, who was earlier misled to believe that I was a reasonably well-regulated person, really got to see how stifled I felt, and I told them that therapy wasn't working. Since then, their approach has been more comprehensive, and we're also working on a few other diagnoses, too. AvPD is certainly not as "sexy" as some other disorders, but the constant push and pull of emotions and thoughts is hard to manage and confusing to deal with. To have it does really suck to some extent, at least.

[@helluvafan112]

This resonates with me so much. What you said reminds me of my relationship with the therapist. However after I tried to open up more during the session and show my shadow self, she seemed to misunderstand me greatly and I stopped attending the sessions. I am curious about your other diagnosis. BPD by any chance? Mine seemed to lean towards this diagnosis, even though she never said so. If she did I don't think I could communicate with someone who thinks I'm a monster (I know some people who possibly have it).

[@isabellefaguy7351]

As you brought autism, I see a lot of autistic people who also have a dx of avoidant personality disorder. But most professionnal I talk to have no clue that for many autistic people it's not an irrationnal belief that people will over criticize them. I know quite a lot of autistic individuals whom the only social interactions they get are harsh critics (often about stuff they can't change or do otherwise because of their deficits). They won't be told any other words in their whole days, for decades. And then, the professionnal (let's say the social worker) meet their caregivers, mother, father, spouse, etc. And the professionnal concludes "these are nice people, they can't say only bad stuff to the autistic person, the autistic person has irrationnal beliefs about that". But theses people are nice to the professionnal because they "are alike", "align in thoughts and actions". As soon as they're confronted to the autistic person who can't comply to their requests or social norms, because of some deficit, they get extremely irritated and act in very poor ways.

[@electricfishfan]

I’ve observed this too.

[@lisasteel6817]

As an autistic person, you are absolutely spot on. I even used to work in the disability sector and was hella discriminated against when I disclosed my autism diagnosis. We are so used to people looking down on us as lesser and it’s not even subtle.

[@Opeth1991]

Why do people do that? Why if I'm nice and trying to treat others the best way possible they get irritated and start becoming critical just because I lack some social skills?! That's harsh!

[@charlesbannon6909]

I was diagnosed with AvPD but for this reason having that be the experience I am unsure. But like this also does really explain me. Idk it's fucked up autistic people seem to face so much social rejection. :(

[@black4pienus]

I've got AvPD and was diagnosed about 15 years ago. I always coupled this to perfectionism and stage fright. Because it's not just other people's expectations that cause major anxiety, it's also my own expectations. If I think I can't do it 'perfect', I don't do it at all. Cause any less makes me feel like I failed (again). And I've always kept friends at an arms length distance. I'd hang out with this friend group and also that friend group while never feeling I ever became a part of any of those friend groups. When I get the feeling a friend expects certain things from me, I'm out. So it's kind of a miracle I have my best friend in my life for decades now. In social situations I'm either quiet in the corner or I'm the life of the party. It all depends on safe company or not. There was a time I often used xtc to be able to feel more relaxed in the social scene. Suddenly I was an extravert that could talk to just anybody. That feeling was very addictive. After a couple years of partying, I just quit all that one day. Enough was enough. Now I'm 43 years old and I've accepted that I'm perfectly fine being alone and spending a lot of time alone. I hardly ever feel bored or lonely. I may not have a job because of my AvPD, but I'm ok with that now too. I've got my cat, my art, my computer and a great best friend. Accepting things are ok as they are was a very big thing for me and helped me a lot.

[@fran.vnparcerias]

Me too, diagnosed at 23 yo. I understand. Trying to accept the things as they are - it's difficult with family and society duties (marry, have children, be independent). Congrats for your reframing and resilience. Keep your peace, friend! :)

[@black4pienus]

@@fran.vnparcerias My family knows. For instance, my sis-in-law's birthday. Always very busy and loud (family related Indonesian women in 1 kitchen. lol. always loud and lots of laughter) I need to know who will come. If all the aunties and my sis-in-law's old sorority come... I'm not going. If it's just her sisters and mom, I can handle it. But not too long. I even stopped going to funerals. Fingers crossed no one of my close people dies soon.

[@RubyRedRainbow]

My xtc was wine. I can talk to anyone and do anything with a drink in hand. I'm a couple years sober now and have almost no social life. I'm starting to be ok with that though...

[@jawyor-k3t]

I can't live myself knowing I accepted this state though. However, I can't fight it, at least not now.

[@Jane2856]

I relate to this. I also dipped my toe in different friend groups and never felt like I had a strong personality to stand by. Just a background character drifting here and there, never fitting into one group of another, or never really feeling embraced. The braver I’ve become, the more I’ve been rewarded. I’ve found my personality again and am finding confidence. It’s taken me years of hard work

[@dementedproductions87]

I Have BPD, very much none defensive and willing to talk about it. mental health awareness NEEDS to be spoken about more.

[@nobodyimportant7804]

I wish there were psychiatrists in the US like you. All the ones I have had sound like they are reciting things out of a book, with no understanding or empathy behind it. That goes doubly so in the common case that I have to ween off meds. It is a fight every time to get them to write prescriptions to ween off in a way that minimizes the pain. I always end up telling them that they may have read it in a book, but I am living it and no one on this earth understands how I need to ween off meds better than I do. They know psychiatry better than me but I know my symptoms and how they affect me better than they ever could and they don't use me as a resource. It is frustrating. It is one reason I am med-free and just dealing with the symptoms by ignoring them as much as possible. For reference, I have PDD w/psychotic features, GAD, and AvPD. Therapists are slightly better, and I enjoy talking to my current one. The problem is that she has the default that everything I say is wrong or I misinterpreted it. Since psychosis showed up and the diagnosis changed, even my primary doctor disbelieved most of what I said. As a former Coast Guard(and Army), I kind of understand how empathy is lost. After the umpteenth time that I had to risk my life because people, who had no business being out at sea, or greedy fishermen, get in trouble and need help, it gets tiring. But, I never let it stop me from actually helping them by doing everything that was needed to get them safe. I would be annoyed AF, but never let the people who needed help know that. Whether I was in an active combat zone or on a search and rescue, I never let my empathy disappear - or let it negatively impact what needed to be done. We all used gallows humor - especially when all we could do was pull dead bodies out of the water -to cope - but some people I worked with let it affect them too much and they would act out in non-helpful ways. I see that behavior in mental and medical people a lot. When that happens it is time to retire.

[@dionysusapollo]

I agree, as a patient you can become very well informed especially if you stick to academic lectures and peer reviewed research. It disappoints me when they don't know stuff. At my last visit the doctor googled sensory processing disorder and didn't know it's associated with bipolar and schizophrenia, I expect them to have enough interest to know their subject thoroughly.

[@nobodyimportant7804]

@@dionysusapollo Absolutely! The hard part is finding reliable information. I stick to well-known sites like Cleveland/Mayo Clinic sites and peer-reviewed papers and channels like this. I have been shocked over and over again how little medicine psychiatrists know. One wanted to run some thyroid tests due to a nasty side effect, and he screwed it up three times. My primary doc had to take over to get it done correctly. She told me that the tests the pdoc was trying to run were diagnostically invalid. To me, it seems like that would be Intern 101 stuff.

[@motulifelikefigures1987]

I can tell its hell. one of the worst disorders that completely destroys your life and happiness. It has nothing to do with aspergers or autism. Cause you truly suffer from your isolation and loneliness. And like he said, still today i have a hard time to believe its a disorder cause im convinced im just a boring worthless person no one is interested in. I had so many rejections in my life, for me that is proof enough my concerns to be worthless are justified and i have to deal with it. A life long in isolation, no friends, no partners, no social life, no love, no happiness. I kinda gave up. I also think that this disorder is still lesser known and studied, it just comes up now more and more. but therapists i have been never supposed that.

[@time4clocks]

I can identify with everything you said. I always think that I will never meet a great person because if they are great then they wouldn't want me. I knew I had many issues but when I saw them all under AVPD then I knew that was me. I don't know if there is a way out. I'm trying to get therapy started. At 58 I feel I haven't even lived my life yet. Been trapped in so many fears. All the best to you motulifelikefigurines, 🌷maybe you will find help also.

[@motulifelikefigures1987]

@@time4clocks thank you i really do hope your theraphy will give you strength to turn things arround. i gave up. i lost the most important years of my life already. now getting 50 there is no chance for a young love anymore. youth gone, all gone. i try to occupy myself with art/creating hobbies till the day comes and i hope it wont take long anymore.

[@time4clocks]

@@motulifelikefigures1987 Thank you. What you wrote again feels like me exactly. I also do hobbies, but lately have found no joy in that either. I just called the insurance number for getting therapy and they will get back to me on Tuesday. LOL I'm at the point where I have nothing to lose. When I was younger I would grow my hair out and mother would say what beautiful hair I had and the next day I would shave my head, and she would say I hurt her deeply by doing that. I couldn't take compliments. Mother is gone now and I am growing my hair out but she cannot see it. That made me cry last night. I neglected my appearance for many years, never even looking in a mirror because I hated what looked back. Now I'm doing little beauty things and actually starting to feel good about myself. I don't know if that relates or might help you, but I'll just throw it out there. 😁

[@motulifelikefigures1987]

@@time4clocks yeah. i guess it can help- even if no one cares about you. in the end its about making yourself feeling better. lost my hair and got bald. tried a hairsystem today. it looks great. everything that makes you feel better and more confident helps. stop worrying what others may think. start spoil yourself with going to the massage, have a beauty treatment. cook yummie meals or enjoy a good restaurant. make a trip somewhere etc. enjoy the parts in life which are possible for us. we may never experience love or friendship but we can be good to ourselves! and most important, get a pet! it's the best thing you can do to yourself cause u have a living creature you can love dearly and receive love back from it!

[@Jane2856]

I really appreciate this video, thank you. There aren’t a lot of videos on the subject and its nuances. I was diagnosed in 2021 after really being pushed by a traumatic experience and my GP noticing that I seemed depressed. I’ve come a very long way, and I’m really proud. I’ve worked really hard at being brave and I feel like a different person experiencing all kinds of joyful and fulfilling things that I felt agonized to miss out on. I think if I didn’t have a bit of stubbornness in me, I wouldn’t have been as motivated to be brave. I love to prove people wrong. Even myself 😅

[@bonariablackie4047]

I have actually been rejected all my life. In my family, I am the definition of a black sheep. My Father told me when I was 9, that I was so stupid, and he wished I wasn;t his daughter. That was the kind of thing that happened every day until I left home at 19. I have lost jobs because of backstabbing and truly unpleasant managers. This has left me with zero self esteem, it never developed. I haven't worked for the last five years, because, frankly, I can't face dealing with backstabbers and unpleasant bosses, for a pittance of pay and no possibility of promotion again. live in the UK, so this is the norm at work, but after 25 years, I am done. That's not avoidant personality disorder, that is 52 years of a miserable life experience.

[@LesterBrunt]

I 100% have this. I have gotten way better at it over the years though, to the point where I'm taking trips around the world, meet new people, go on dates, etc. but I still really struggle with the opening up part. It is like I have avoided opening up for so long that I kinda forgot what it is even like, so even when I'm with people that I really like and trust I have a hard time opening up to them, unless I knew them from way back like high school. That is still some sort of self image of inadequacy, I lost it for a almost 10 years and therefor I'm 'far behind' the rest. And also the fear that people now like me for my 'tempered' self and maybe would not like me if I open up more. That is what is holding me back the most these days. Things that really helped me was trying to be aware of my thought processes, and stopping myself from going on those ruminating, self pittying, shame spirals. I realized that I'm the one in control of my own thoughts, I don't actually need to go through every hypothetical dialogue tree while in the shower, I don't need to dissect every interaction to see where I might have messed up or where somebody maybe had a bad thought about me. I can just decide not to think about it. I also figured, if constantly reliving old memories of inadequacy, shame, etc. telling yourself that you are bad, a moron, boring, etc. is causing a negative self imagine, why not do the same in reverse? I started doing self confirmations like 'you are cool, you are smart, you are fun', and it does seem to help a lot. Another thing that greatly helped was writing down my worries whenever I was in a worry spiral. One time I noticed myself going down a spiral because I was avoiding getting work done and whatnot. So I decided to write down all the things that need to be done and just try to do at least one of them. I grabbed pen and paper, wrote down 1 thing and then got stuck, I couldn't even think of more stuff that actually needed to be done. My entire worry spiral was thinking about all kinds of things that didn't even happen yet, it was something like "omg if I can't finish this project in time that means I can't do Y later on in the week, which will mean I will get behind with D and E, and that will mean I won't have time to visit my sister, and it will be another thing on my mind, and I probably won't have the energy to do G and H and then that will cause problems down the line omg, I'm really in trouble this time, how the f can I finish all this? I'm losing it". When I was staring at that paper that only had 1 task it was so obvious how almost all my worrying was just a delusion. Such a stark contrast between the objective words on the paper and the crazy stormy thought space in my head.

[@andreaeast9242]

Thank you SO much for your video on AVPD!!! I have this and there just isn't a lot of study or information about it! Very happy that you talked about this very painful condition and definitely interested in the CBT online course when you get it ready! Thank you again!

[@DrSyl]

Thank you for sharing and thank you for your comment! Here's a link to my newsletter that will be set up in the near future (and contain updates for my CBT course!): eepurl.com/iMHJp6

[@andreaeast9242]

Thank you!

[@Lindah787]

Thank you for sharing, i lost my relationship with my boyfriend because of mental illness (schizophrenia) i pray God protect him.

[@WouldntULikeToKnow.]

This sounds a lot like me but I'm more closed off to family and friends. I value their opinions of me and their possible rejection makes me anxious, I guess.

[@CasualPhoenix1]

What about those of us who avoid relationships with others, not so much because we care about what other's think, but because we fear the negative impact of potentially toxic people and behaviors. I have had multiple cycles in my life where I have either been fooled into thinking I was supported by family and friends, only to find out the complete opposite, whether that be hateful words or prioritizing their mind games over their relationship with me. Even if a red flag may not lead to more abusive behavior, I still find myself either avoiding them or becoming completely guarded to where it impacts my perspective of the entire relationship.

[@tahinaschwegler8112]

that sounds like trust issues. Could very much be valid but worth probably talking to a therapist about to help get over mental blocks & help disspell unnecessary fear

[@catherinejensen1139]

It’s difficult to feel safe trusting people if you have experienced hurt in the past, we develop a tendency to react quickly in order to protect ourselves from potential harm, unfortunately if we react by avoiding connections with others we are harming ourselves in a way and may feel lonely and misunderstood. Our individual attachment styles, schemas and past experiences will contribute to our perceptions of new situations and our automatic thoughts and reactions. Therapy like CBT, DBT, Schema therapy and talk therapies can help to understand our patterns, like why and how we tend to react to situations. It can then equip us to recognise our emotions, values and needs so we can respond to situations mindfully, authentically and feel safer building up connections and relationships.

[@adaslesniak]

I definitely had it, probably some parts of it are still there deep in my soul. For some time I even could be very social. So it's not about not-being-social and definitely not about not wanting to be in relation. There was nothing I carved for more that to be in relation with someone who will accept me, who will let me feel "I'm not some unwanted piece of awkwardness", but I never were able to make a single move into this direction, as fear that I will be rejected was so paralyzing, that... it was impossible.

[@lisasteel6817]

Can I just add that CBT therapy is not considered an effective treatment for autistic people (avoidant personality disorder can go hand in hand) as it can just teach us autistics to mask our “negative” behaviours and not change them. I found this out after 5 years of CBT where I learnt to smile on demand then narrowly avoided a psych admission.

[@monilangeKootenays]

I don't have a personality disorder. I have seen a psychiatrist, many therapists. I avoid people who live nearest to me. I live in a sparsely populated, remote community. I despise small-minded/big gossips. It's a very strong avoidance. I believe I'm healthy because I have great self-esteem. Enough to protect myself from maladaptive idiots with too much time on there hands. I have been diagnosed with GAD and PTSD. Chronic physical pain as well. I'm permitted to block certain people off. If necessary, persistent, prying, nosey, trespassing folks will experience may experience some of my strong language. I feel for people with this personality disorder. My heart goes out to all who struggle with conditions and diseases. 😢

[@fishxutopia_]

my bpd took 2 or 3 years before i got diagnosed, for the longest time doctors think it was just anxiety and depression. but for the longest time since childhood i felt something was wrong. but in a way certain treatments i got before i got diagnosed with bpd did sort of lessen certain aspects of it

[@sarahk802]

Thanks Dr. Syl! I hope someday for the biomarkers too. There are so many factors than can impact social functioning as you mentioned. Trauma, experiences of bullying or discrimination, neurodiversity, social anxiety, shyness, introversion, etc. It’s strange that we would diagnose someone with negative core beliefs about themselves as having a “disordered” personality because wouldn’t that confirm/reinforce their negative beliefs?

[@dehro]

I have been diagnosed with avoidant personality traits (not the full blown disorder.. because apparently I''m half-assing this as well) I guess it's on brand that I have had this video open in a tab on my browser for a few days now, and still have to watch it.

[@Ratelau]

Same, a psychiatrist told me I have an avoidant personality, but wouldn't say it was a disorder. I have 6 of the criteria and have done for 30 years

[@gunfighterdrummer]

It’s hard to get out of bed right now, nevermind getting to the door of a therapist.

[@maz8471]

I love watching your channel. Thank you for your videos. You are going to be a wonderful doctor and help many people. There is such a great need for good psychologists. I am a late diagnosed Audhd (ADHD/Autisim) having actually sought out help as I thought I had early onset dementia. As it turns out after menopause, the lack of estrogen often has this effect on females. I am passionate about supporting the mental health community by understanding more about the things our brains do when they get hijacked by any one of the plethora of things out there that can affect us mentally. Some things are so very tragic :( My three children are also affected and suffer various levels of ADHD &/or Autism - although not officially diagnosed yet it is plainly obvious) my youngest suffers anxiety and panic attacks which stem primarily from this. She remains undiagnosed because of the anxiety and struggle. By learning as much as I can via these types of videos and my own therapist. I am getting a better understanding and skills on how best to help her and get her closer to getting the help she needs. I wished I had known she had this when she was younger and I could have just taken her to the Dr. As a female, we mask and adapt incredibly well which is why it is common to be missed. Anyway keep up the good work :D More on this topic would also be great.

[@ladybaabaa3294]

I've had AvPD since around age 10-11 (as well as CPTSD, OCD since age 7, anxiety since age 4 and depression for over 10 years) and BPD since age 16. I'm 45 now. The AvPD and BPD are a somewhat interesting combo. If I didn't have BPD, I would never have had any intimate relationships or close, deep friendships in my life. The ONLY people I want to share myself with and show myself to are a "Favourite Person" when I have one. With everyone else, even if they're friends, even if I've known them for decades, and even if it seems kind of clear that they actually do like me, I keep them at arm's length. Thus, hardly anybody really knows me. CBT I have not found overly helpful, as tangled up in my AvPD is complex trauma and PTSD which CBT is not ideal for. DBT would have been helpful 20+ years ago when my splitting was at its worst, but these days it's the pervasive emptiness and boredom that impacts me the most in terms of my BPD. I also can't afford proper DBT programs (and the group therapy component?! NO THANK YOU!) lol

[@WouldntULikeToKnow.]

Dr. Syl, love your videos but could you cut back on the sound effects a little please? They take away from what you're trying to communicate.

[@tiffanylynn8376]

Really? Wow I actually love the sounds! 😂

[@annipsy2185]

What sound effects?😮

[@soundsforyourmoods]

I thought I was the only one, I completely miss what he says when there's a sound ahahah

[@DrSyl]

Ok I can reduce sound effects by 5dB in future vids and that should make them less distracting :)

[@rosemadder5547]

It helps me to pay attention but to each their own

[@ivanaveltmeyer6373]

Dr. Syl, I have a “friend “ from childhood who I believe has this disorder. I used to go with him to elementary school and he never fitted in and was never accepted by other kids, he even sat alone, he was extraordinarily intelligent child and never did anything wrong, in behaviour. I saw that other kids were quite envious of the fact that he preformed brilliantly in all subjects and he was never correct by the teachers. His both partners were extremely successful and well known pharmacists who had his future in their hands- he will be pharmacist and will marry a pharmacist and take over their business ( possibly one or more parental narcissist). He was never joined with other students in school canteens and for lunch his grandmother took him home, but kids doesn’t understand that and they capacity for empathy in this age is limited. We were just envious of the fact that he is brilliant in all subjects and never does wrong with teachers. Kids were calling him a teachers pet ( how sad and horrible). I’m in contact with him, he is not married ( age 45), lives with his parents and is extremely timid and shy. However, he went to university and he wrote to me that he lasted only one semester because his psyched couldn’t handle it. I don’t think that his study was the problem. When I look back, I see him as the most sad case from all of us ( I’m talking elementary school students). I would love to continue to talk to him, but I have to be very careful and patient. I’m 💯sure that he has avpd. He mentioned to me that to this day he has only 2 friends and one failed relationship with a lady. However, he mentioned to me that he learned to be a chameleon in “ normal “ life and he is a “ parasite “ of his parents economic success. Also that more torture for him is to wait for that lady to end the relationship, then when is actually happened and the relative afterwards. It’s so sad and I would like to continue to talk to him, I move to Australia ( in my adult life) and he is still in the Czech Republic ( where my origins). But I’m on full disability and ndis as I suffer MDD all my life and I was ensnared by psychopath and I’m not recovering from horrendous emotional abuse that shook me to the core.. Dr. Syl if you can give me an advice, please 🙏 do. Thank you Ivana

[@Brodiesmh]

I avoid leaving the house period. Main thing is I feel every one is looking at me and judging mostly because I was bullied in school because my nose and it has destroyed my self esteem. Since I left my dads home when I was 13 I have stayed inside all day up until 17. I didn’t go to school or anything. I haven’t had friends since 13. I just feel I’m stuck being 14 even tho I’m 20 feels like I’ve done nothing in life

[@jawyor-k3t]

dude, the people can suck it, why ruin your life over some low IQ bully comments. Also, try to put that in the past and don't assume something is inherently wrong going forward.

[@coffeecat086]

Some of these remind me of some things in Asperger’s. Especially if you’ve been excessively criticized for social mishaps.

[@robotaholic]

In public talking to ppl, I'll believe other people are snickering at me when I'm not looking...talking about me thinking I'm too stupid to notice. I have 0 friends, have 0 family relationships. From call center to work from home to not working the last year. Being born and raised in Jehovah's Witnesses really messed me up. I got out but can't stop self loathing. It is embarrassing to even have this

[@royeveritt408]

I first became conciously aware of a low mood at 11, depression aged 16 but it was not until I was 40 that I was diagnosed with Cluster C personality disorder and that was when I first heard the term Avoidant Personality Disorder. That was 18 years ago and when I first read about the symptoms of AvPD I immediatly knew that I had had this my entire life and that it was this that was the cause of my depressions and breakdowns. I now know that I have suffered from this condition from my earliest memories and that I even had social inhibition at play group aged 3 or 4. It all hinges on that first summary of the condition at 1:59 and feeling fearful of others right from the start of life. I am 58 years old now and my experience is that diagnosis helped me in gaining personal insight and understanding. I found that inner child work, (John Bradshaw Homecoming) does help alleviate the symptoms of childhood trauma that underlies the condition. It does get better, (less severe) if you work at it. Good luck to all my fellow sufferers.

[@AspergersSyndromeDaily]

Yep... Was a serious problem when in school

[@electricfishfan]

I’ve healed a lot and I still don’t deal well with specifically academic authorities judging me. Navigating how to interact with a literally ordained “superior” brings out a lot of distorted neuroticism which becomes intensely paralyzing, and I still decide inside that it’s ”right” to avoid them rather than change my mindset. I tried going to an easy school that I might blow off, a community college, and found out it’s especially bad when the “superior” demonstrates “inferiority” in my eyes, which bred massive contempt for this “lazy loser” teacher exerting such an intense power over my daily energy and the course of my life.

[@tiffanylynn8376]

Another fire drop from Dr. Sylllll ❤

[@thegoodmentalhealthplace]

Thank you for the video Dr Syl. There is not enough information out there like this, especially that is digestible for patients. I would particularly like you to have a clip comparing avoidant vs schizoid pd vs autism. 👍

[@oh2887]

Great that you did a video on this disorder

[@merqury618]

"Rest assured therapists are trained in this" I know that as a professional you have to say it and want to believe this, but it unfortunately couldn't be further from truth. Vast majority of therapists are utterly clueless about anything that goes beyond mild social anxiety. And with this specific disorder being poorly understood and often flying under the radar, you'll be lucky if they even know what it is, not to mention actually knowing how to approach it. They'll usually disbelieve and dismiss the basic symptoms of this or try to twist it into other, more known disorders.

[@gregvanpaassen]

Fear of opening up is not a cognitive distortion for men. It is a learned response to lived experience. If you haven't been shamed as a result of opening up, Syl, then you have won life's lottery.

[@Brittanyjones-sf7rc]

💯 I opened up to so many people, especially the "trained" people he is talking about. Worst thing I ever did.

[@annaze4529]

Can't wait for the CBT course! ❤

[@BobbiSchaefer-pe7zq]

Me too! Please add me to mailing list

[@jawyor-k3t]

Thanks, your voice is calm.

[@charlesbannon6909]

I am diagnosed with AvPD or APD this is a very accurate and fair video. The only dif here is I'll say for me I grew up as a queer person later transitioned mtf. I find my AvPD ties in a lot with my GAD. That GAD fuels the mindset. So obvs trauma comes with that and fuels the reaction. Eitherway my typical reaction is a fake it. Keep a lot of people arms length and mask. It's nice to be out and about but I'm not there yet I can accept everything.

[@martinedevries2441]

Hi! Love your videos, so happy you are able to put out a little more content lately! Also loved the car chats :) I would love a cbt course! I have avoidant personality disorder and have been in therapy for a long time, but because of other diagnoses and struggles, the work on my personality disorder just wasn't a priority. I am doing pretty good in life at the moment, but one thing I really want to work on is improving my relationships and also making new friends. I've found making friends as an adult, outside of work, so much more challenging than it is as a little kid. Where do I meet people, how do I find the courage to just go up to someone and talk to them, without it being weird? I recently build up the courage to join a gym, but I tend to go at a more quiet moment and keep to myself. Still getting used to it, hoping no one sees me hahah. Also, when I got this diagnosis, some things started to make a lot more sense! When I was deep in my depression I'd have some sort of social work/therapy appointment every weekday, and I would write down in my notes what clothes I wore, who saw me, what I was like, what impression I left etc. so I could keep track of what everyone was thinking of me. I literally did this for months! Sounds insane looking back. Greetings from the Netherlands! Also my email: [e-mail]

[@DrSyl]

Thank you for sharing and thank you for your comment! Here's a link to my newsletter that will be set up in the near future (and contain updates for my CBT course!): eepurl.com/iMHJp6

[@alessandragentile6892]

Grazie, qualcuno si occupa di noi!

[@heathharlow6373]

Anytime I talk to best friends or anyone, I over think, this going to hurt, I never lie, but never tell truth if hurts.

[@lemonchanisrandom1531]

I think so It could be anxiety, but I started to distance myself from my friends because I felt like they needed someone better and that I couldn’t be there for them or I just couldn’t be myself then I lost them and this started, and kept getting worse as I got older I'll talk to a professional but I avoid do much

[@ghee-ann7753]

Dr. Syl I find your video's so helpful with my studies! Thank you!

[@Kikkarlin]

Having avpd with the emotional instability and unstable identity of BPD is so wild. (Dx at a personality therapy center) Especially because my hypersensitivity to the opinion of others is a huge part of the instability in emotions and identity. I also have ALL 7 of the criteria. I've managed to keep my job, but mainly because it's a work from home job that allows me to only interact with one person which helps. But I struggled a lot getting a job because I would constantly be afraid I'd fail at it so i wouldn't go for many of the opportunities that came my way. I even turned down an internship because I didn't think I knew enough to do it, even though internships are designed to allow for you to learn on the go. And I also didn't end up reapplying for a traineeship despite having been encouraged by someone who worked at the company when i first applied and had been impressed with me when he interviewed me. But because of my people pleasing I manage to make people believe I am capable of what they're asking for a job but as soon as I leave the room I'm like 'what nooo I can't do this! I'm not good enough!' Which is exactly what happened with that internship and I deeply regret it. It truly is so weird how easy it is for me to camouflage how i feel. And it was so hard to gather the courage to start the jobs I did end up getting. Bc I was so scared I couldn't do it. I wanted to quit my first job so so badly but I was more afraid of not having a job to do it. And I was even more afraid of getting fired (bc that is the ultimate rejection) so I kept working but avoiding speaking up in meetings and just trying my best to blend into the background

[@Gwenx]

Very interesting topic! Thank you!

[@senamya]

Hi, Dr. Syl! You mentioned CBT and I’m wondering if you would be open to making a video talking more in-depth about this treatment? Particularly, for those who may be more skeptical about it. I have a friend who doesn’t believe CBT is a legitimate treatment that can help her, only wants to do medication, and I’d love to learn more to better support them.

[@DongDoodle]

getting to the door is a big ask, my guy. huge

[@tanned06]

Thanks for the great info, Dr Syl. I could see the symptoms presented by AvPD resemble those of the Hikikomorr, a recent social problem characterized by prolonged social withdrawal affecting millions of people in some Asian countries such as Japan.

[@rachelk2457]

Social Avoidant PD is a common misdiagnosis of Mild autism. So psychologist and psychiatrists should be aware of that misdiagnosis. Because if you have social anxiety because you do not know how to coordinate social norms then it is mild autism. If you're not accepted by others because of your awkward social struggles due to mild autism, most people would want to avoid pain hence misdiagnosis.

[@Opeth1991]

How do I know that I have mild autism?

[@JulieGriffith-t2f]

I checked all the boxes. Always considered myself to be an introvert with social anxiety and low self esteem, but I’m thinking I might possibly have this disorder. I avoid socializing of any kind except with my kids and husband. Don’t even have friends by choice because I can’t handle the stress of interacting with others. It gives me anxiety and exhausts me when I’m forced to, such as a funeral or a gathering involving extended family. Question: can this be caused at least partially by childhood trauma. My mother is a covert narcissist and my childhood and adult life have been very negatively affected by the constant stress, walking on eggshells and her histrionics that left me with so many negative experiences. Nothing was ever fun and relaxed around her, even events that should have been fun experiences were ruined by her behavior.

[@JennCampbell]

CBT and DBT should just be part of school, just like PE. Mental health is as important as physical health! ❤

[@AmandaDoyle]

Hi Doc, My partner of 11 yrs & fiancé of 2 has childhood trauma (DV abuse & also saw her dad struck by a car and killed in front of her eyes) plus emotional neglect which I suspect has resulted in a dismissive avoidant attachment. She also has impulsive control & substance abuse issues. Now 40, she saw a psychiatrist at 20 (for one session) who diagnosed her with generalised anxiety disorder & prescribed lexapro which she has been on ever since. After a recent work incident in healthcare (not her fault) she had a scare & guilt over a near-death of a patient for not catching the issue sooner. She said had the patient passed she would have taken her life. Not sure if this was bad timing but she had planned to start seeing a trauma therapist & those sessions started soon after the work incident but I’m unsure how much, if any, they delved into that or her childhood trauma. Again, the work issue wasn’t her fault but has resulted in her engaging in full blown self sabotage. Increased substance use, emotional affair w/ her boss which I suspect is limerence & just another source of dopamine. Or possibly a trauma bond of sorts over the work incident? My question is…which is the right order to try & address issues? The substances including limerence or the avoidance & engaging in distractions? I understand this is a lot but she is spiralling & im just curious about the first step you would take if you were me? I don’t expect you to lay out a full solution 😂 I’m just after a first step. Thank you for any insights mate.

[@clarefraser1503]

Great video. Do you know what the relationship is between AVPD and NPD? Do they co-occur very much?

[@sarahsakr1626]

can you recommend resources to learn about social skills

[@Ehecatl1111]

Please do a video on the neurochemistry of DPDR. Or just content on DPDR specifically derealization.

[@Uhlbelk]

Thanks for the great videos!

[@Monsternallen]

❤ thx for this video 2, have some friends that’s having this issue and mixed up with some other symptoms.. I wish that, some back in days, in the in the school that every student was reviewed annually to see if there is anything underlying so you can get help early, how does it work in Australia to discover it in time?? 🙏 thanks Syl, hope I can getting some sleep but you’re videos hare helping out 👋🙏 If you Can you speak about DiD trying to understand how’s it’s working.. // J 🇸🇪

[@nettinoo]

I feel like its the same as rejection sensitivity disorder with my ADHD. I scored very high on this one before I was diagnosed with ADHD. I actually started a bit of a fight with a group on whatsapp this evening so i did not have to attend a group activity where I don't feel comfortable with the people or know them well. I mean they have been blimin unfriendly tbh so its not about nothing. However i was invited to this road relay activity but I was so scared nobody would talk to me that I blew everything up and will never be able to the running club again now as I basically told them to go do one! I'm okay with friendly and welcoming people though so its not an issue all the time. I am really struggling in this small town I moved to. Nobody is very friendly or welcoming here and it's really messing me up.

[@User47533]

Do BPD next please!

[@yazidmeden33]

Hello Dr Syl, is your online CBT course available yet?

[@sarahodowd2258]

Please do - access to DBT in Australia is terrible so this would be awesome. Oh and I can't see a mailing list in your description

[@busybee2346]

I really enjoy watching your videos. Could you please talk about dementia? Thanks.

[@ChemiConscious1]

Great, informative video. Though I found the sound effects at the beginning to be startling and distracting. I was relieved that they phased out for the remainder of the video.

[@DrSyl]

Noted!

[@acrefray]

Comments for the ever-hungry algorithm gods!

[@katieeasley3945]

In Australia it seems if you don't have private ins, accessing actual psych doctors (as opposed to trained psychologists - no shade to them meant) ..... is incredibly difficult with insane wait lists etc. Unless someone is in crisis. So the CBT, DBT, behavioural training can be very beneficial, but there is no pharmacology help, and frequently a lack of diagnosis for the patient. Just an observation after coming back from nearly a decade in the US health system (the disaster that it can be) An online CBT course does sound like a Win-Win. Please mention Dr Russ Harris!! 😉

[@paulnovosel9469]

Love your vids. Can you do a vid on pubescent and post pubescent teens who are acting out in anger that are the football in a a parental divorce situation where one parent is normal and the other is mentally unstable? I have so many friends in this situation.

[@glendavis1266]

So we need a video as to what people do if their spouse has this. How do we cope.

[@lorekallyre7205]

Am hoping you will share with us your recent exam success mark. Thanx for sharing xox

[@hollehpazouki7623]

Thank you Dr👍

[@sarahv3458]

Informative, thanks!

[@456ism]

Can you talk about the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?

[@user-dn4fu8uy2q]

I have a formal diagnosis of AVPD. I've wasted my youth because of it. The rejection sensitivity is painful. At 33 yrs i'm more lonely than ever. I keep isolating myself. Even with EMDR i feel like giving up.

[@jawyor-k3t]

Still time to wake up and be the person you want to be. Not saying that it's easy to defy this disorder, but maybe you can "just flip the switch" in your mind. Convince yourself that you never had it, live in self-delusion of "fake it till you make it", be someone you're not, until you are

[@Pico_CR]

Can you suggest me any book about avpd that can help me?

[@stephanieg6507]

I would be very interested in CBT videos

[@DrSyl]

Thank you for your comment! Here's a link to my newsletter that will be set up in the near future (and contain updates for my CBT course!): eepurl.com/iMHJp6

[@CorvusCoroneCanisLupusSawel]

parents, family, bosses, work colleagues and intimate relationships are the cause for most pd's and anxieties/trauma's. narcissism and bpd traits are rife throughout.

[@kenreid892]

I suspect the interest in avoidant personality disorder is actually interest in avoidant attachment which is completely different.

[@Be1stkYourself]

THANK YOU! ❤

[@DrSyl]

You're welcome 😊

[@samadams219]

Yes that's me. I have that.

[@saml8510]

Can you have a mixture of 2 personality disorders?

[@thegoodmentalhealthplace]

most frequently. personality disorders are a spectrum and there are traits from different personality disorder syndromes

[@Opeth1991]

How can I tell that I lack social skills because I've had social anxiety for so long that it has inhibited my social experiences so it became a loop of not getting into social situations then becoming more sure that I lack social skills. And between having difficulty with social skills due to falling somewhere on the autism spectrum?

[@sarahclarke2573]

Great video, thank you

[@DrSyl]

Thanks for the comment!

[@marcpickard7248]

Could chilld abuse trigger this disorder?. as I have all the sytoms you mentioned . My problem is I just sit alone for hours, incapable of doing anything at home. I had always put down to the never-ending fear I have being attacked.

[@any.moment.now.]

I don't know much about this so this vid was very informative. Thanks. I have an unrelated question. Do you ever think about how much the current zeitgeist (hegemony/whatever we wanna call it) influence your thinking when you diagnose and treat patience and if so in what way? Sorry if it's a weird or inappropriate question. I'm only asking since I find this very interesting.

[@DrSyl]

I think a lot about how social norms define disorder vs normal experience. Most psychiatrists would agree that there is a tendency for society to pathologies negative but normal experiences. I have a video coming soon about paraphilia which addresses this point. Stay tuned!

[@any.moment.now.]

I often think about what it is that we do today that future generations will deem unthinkeable (not just regarding mental health but in general...) I'll definitely stay tuned 😊

[@hugeburger]

can someone please tell me how i can get help with this disorder if my brain is constantly trying to get me not to. i need serious help.

[@heathharlow6373]

In Halifax, guessing no help.

[@heidicross7255]

I am pretty sure I have Avoidant Personality Disorder and I love it. I do NOT want to be attached to anyone (other than my pets). I don't like the human race and I prefer not to interact with them. I love my solitude, I enjoy my own company, I love my freedom from having to be involved in society. There is no way I would go to a therapist because I find it weird that humans want to tell their thoughts and feelings to a complete stranger. Avoidant Personality Disorder is void of stress - it is peace.

[@kanryo3986]

You probably don't have a personality disorder if you like your life the way it is and yourself the way you are. Personality disorders are disorders because they hinder people in life, they cause distress and suffering (in the affected person or the people around them). But you might look into "schizoid personality" (not necessarily disorder) to find like-minded people if you want to.

[@tacotruck_vb]

a part of avoidant personality disorder is WANTING to connect with others but not being able to because of fear of being rejected or criticized.

[@annipsy2185]

What if you avoid everyone because you dont like people? I told this to my psychologist and i quote: youre sick! Im not joking thats the exact words she told me in response😂i just dont know what kind of sick i am....

[@allisonkeevers6076]

Did anyone else find this video to be really quiet ? I had everything on full vol but couldn't hear. I switched to a different video and got blasted by the sound.

[@charlesbannon6909]

Do we know if you can be both AvPD and Autistic at the same time?

[@jennifergaida1891]

Online CBT would be great

[@DrSyl]

Thanks for your comment! Here's a link to my newsletter email list that will be set up in the near future: eepurl.com/iMHJp6

[@megfromharcourts]

Yes please On line CBT is a yes from me

[@DrSyl]

Thanks for your comment! Here's a link to my newsletter email list that will be set up in the near future: eepurl.com/iMHJp6

[@fundifferent1]

Um.... I personally would not use the term "mental illness" to descirbe avoidant personality disorder.. I don't consider myself to be mentally ill for having APD

[@ransbarger]

After reading these comments, it seems self pity is a major trait of this condition.

[@Brittanyjones-sf7rc]

The narc has arrived.

[@Valentino016]

its so bad I even avoid my family I cant have a normal relationship with anyone

[@ChaiLatte13]

Just wanted clarification. Avoidant personality disorder is not the same as avoidant attachment, right?

[@ladybaabaa3294]

I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist, but technically no, having AvPD does not necessarily mean you have an avoidant attachment style. It definitely CAN, but it can also mean your attachment style is insecure / fearful. The avoidance in AvPD comes from fear of embarrassing yourself, from feeling inferior or inept socially, feeling judged, feeling insecure and mistrustful of others as to whether they really like you. So that's based on fear and insecurity, which can carry over into your attachment style, no matter how much you might WANT closer attachments, interactions and relationships.

[@ChaiLatte13]

@@ladybaabaa3294 Ok interesting. Thank you! I know I'm avoidant attachment, but don't really fit into this personality disorder. I was curious why or how they both have similar names, but seem very different from one another.

[@ladybaabaa3294]

@@ChaiLatte13 Everyone has an attachment style/s and most people don't have a personality disorder. Attachment styles develop from our earliest caregivers (mostly our parents) and can then be reinforced by how we perceive other significant relationships throughout our lives. For instance, I have BPD and my attachment style is fearful / avoidant. So I basically fear abandonment (the hallmark of BPD). I also have trust issues from past trauma, anxiety and AvPD, so there's the avoidant attachment. The other side of an avoidant attachment style is Avoidant / Dismissive, which is more like someone not wanting to let anyone in and they might retreat and feel uncomfortable if a partner or friend gets "too close". They don't like clingy or dependent people. Other attachment styles are secure (wouldn't that be lovely! lol), anxious and disorganised (which can also be referred to as fearful / avoidant. It's "disorganised" because it's fearful AND avoidant, which can seem to be polar opposites. Basically, anyone who's grown up from childhood into adulthood has an attachment style.

[@ChaiLatte13]

@@ladybaabaa3294 Thanks for your responses and explanations. It is super helpful. From what you wrote, it sounds like I am on the dismissive avoidant side of things. Yep I definitely don't like people getting too close and pretty much expect people to abandon me and reject me. When people don't, I know I'm in trouble. lol

[@ladybaabaa3294]

@@ChaiLatte13 lol. I feel ya! I'm avoidant / dismissive with most friends, but fearful / avoidant with people I REEEEEEEAALLY care about.

[@heathharlow6373]

I can't even make a doctor appointment, people there and I'm not ok. so how to get a psych, need doctor to approve.

[@dionysusapollo]

Im not watching this in case I diagnose myself, but dr Syl can you do the ocd episode of scrubs with Michael j Fox

[@DrSyl]

I have!

[@gk8257]

Can AvPD be related to selective mutism?

[@vasanthipremarathna6804]

Thanks for sharing.I had this in my childhood,I used self help books to overcome all.I am intersted in follow up the CBT Course.

[@DrSyl]

Thanks for your comment! Here's a link to my newsletter email list that will be set up in the near future: eepurl.com/iMHJp6

[@florag8358]

Did you talk about the cause? I must have missed it ..

[@jawyor-k3t]

no he didn't

[@vanessaaves3271]

Anyone whose ever read the DSM-V knows how absolutely dense it is lol it’s a great guide but oof, I don’t envy mental health professionals.