EFT Demonstration: Tracking (and Breaking) the Cycle in Couple’s Therapy

Delve into an engaging demonstration of a couple's therapy session utilizing Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) in this video. Here, Ami collaborates with Konstantin and Paula to address and resolve recurring issues related to frustration, heightened voice, hyper-criticism, and expression of feelings.
During the session, it is revealed that Paula often perceives conflicts arising due to Konstantin's apparent lack of presence, which leaves her feeling alone in navigating their chaos. Conversely, Konstantin experiences frustration and withdrawal due to perceived criticism, despite his efforts, leading to feelings of disconnection and vulnerability.
Throughout this process, Ami facilitates each partner in expressing their feelings constructively, fostering an environment free from judgement and confrontation. This deliberate communication sheds light on their individual attachment styles and the influence of past experiences on their current behavior.
Interestingly, despite their professional roles, Konstantin and Paula, both therapists, find it uncommon to deeply explore their personal feelings with each other. They acknowledge the transformative power of unveiling emotional connections and genuinely understanding their partner's perspective. They find the reenactment part of the exercise especially impactful as it compels them to face their fears, vulnerabilities, and agitation head-on.
Ami emphasizes that while this demonstration portrays quick progress, typical EFT sessions often require a more extended period of time to achieve such results.
For more insights on EFT therapy, visit: www.lukincenter.com/what-eft/

[@olakozak7012]

The fly is driving me crazy

[@liliramirez2331]

I thought this was incredibly helpful for a new therapist :) Thank you! Please do more of these videos!

[@user-wj9ix1cp4n]

I completely agree! I would love to see more as well.

[@nikconroy2947]

Oh to be a fly on the wall of another therapist's session.

[@connorm1817]

Maybe you are meant to be the therapist!

[@connorm1817]

Oh, you were talking about the actual fly in the room hahah

[@annacody4220]

I appreciate this video. There are many videos discussing EFT couples therapy but not as many demo's of it. This is fantastic.

[@biancawilliams5190]

I like how the therapist took the time to reflect while validating feelings and also do some reframing. There's a delicate balance and skill for a therapist to facilitate a session collaboratively. Her pattern was to validate while steering the underlying feelings out by subtly reframing during reflecting. I noticed how the therapist was able to get get the individuals to acknowledge and take accountability for the feelings that they may not be able to communicate or recognize at times.

[@elizabethcortez9654]

Very helpful video. I am a grad student and this video helped make me make sense of EFT. Thank you!

[@lauratraceytherapy]

This was so helpful! Thank you!

[@kariweberyoung9875]

Therapist seems ingenuine

[@ashnishah5703]

Thank you so much Dr Lukin for this absolutely beautiful EFT role play session. It is extremely helpful to pick up the core elements of EFT therapy for couples in distress. Informative as well as heart touching demonstration, immensely helpful for therapist in training like me. It was delight to watch how deeper emotion of loneliness, hurt was unmasked with therapist's curiosity and gentleness as well as being respectfully assertive to hold back husband when he was responding to wife's deeper emotional need earlier in the session. I find that mediating part quite challenging as I feel that as a novice therapist, I am too concerned about not offending, hurting the client by setting such boundary. This video is genuinely helpful! Thank you for this one and please keep creating more such content ❤

[@lukincenter]

Thank you for the kind words! Dr. Lukin

[@ravan85]

Thank you guys...really useful for my grp based assignment,

[@maryhellstrom8311]

This is fantastic! Thank you so much. Please keep creating EFT content

[@lukincenter]

Thank you! Dr. Lukin

[@user-nu3hp1hw2n]

great video, thank you

[@sophiarussell-harts862]

This is helpful, but I thought it was strange how the wife was able to complete her thoughts, but as soon as the husband started to express himself the therapist cut him off. Though she tried to do it politely, I thought he should have been able to finish his sentence.

[@markshah437]

There is a multi step process - firstly hearing how (in this instance, the pursuer) behaves and identifying the core emotions that made them behave that way, and then asking the withdrawer how hearing that made them feel and finally asking the withdrawer to identify their core emotions after experiencing the pursuer's behaviour and to enact by telling the pursuer what core emotions happened. If one of these steps gets interrupted by the other side the therapist will ask to slow down and come back to complete the step that was interrupted. It's never anything personal or biased. I'm only a client by the way, not a therapist, so I may have got some details wrong, but that's the gist of it as far as I have gathered.

[@dc_galaxy1416]

@@markshah437 fuck that 😂😂 he really just got cut off twice in the first 5 min

[@lukincenter]

Thank you for this comment. This was something that was done on purpose as it is very common for EFT therapists to cut interruptions (hopefully politely) when trying to work through the cycle. This is to allow one person in the couple to deepen emotion (and then the other). The hope is that the rapport is strong enough that the person being interrupted does not feel unheard by the end of the session because we would always go back to other person. Hope that makes sense!

[@evangelinamontgomery9872]

No she wants to finish with her and why she does those negative feelings find the root first deal with one spouse

[@emotionalsupportpaintbrush]

It’s called “catching bullets”

[@Yourtherapistknows]

My problem as a therapist with EFT and even listening to this video is that it sounds fake and it’s very slow and there is so much emphasis on correct me if I’m wrong, dissecting every little thing that’s being said constantly and the word “longing” seems so dramatic…Gottman, Terry Real, Brent Atkinson, Estel Perel seem much more my personality and my style where you explain how criticism destroys a relationship or you tap into family of origin and you go: you sound like your mother right now and a very specific intervention around inner child. It’s wonderful to use some EFT to get people emotional and soft in all in for that, I’m just not capable to use such dramatic words and be sooooo over the top with how I reframe their feelings, very hard to watch. I do appreciate the video and the content. I’m just too direct and matter of a fact and I do parts work if I want to soft them up.

[@catherinelucas7594]

That’s this personal therapists style. Yes you dissect content but you’re really looking at the feedback loops… the patterns… and helping the couple see what’s underlying the behavior. It’s a very effective model

[@DarlynEmedoro]

I kinda agree with you as I had the same feelings about excessive reflection and constantly checking to validate your assumptions.

[@thefrenchmanla]

Wow, seeing this is like a mirror into my own relationship, and all I could take away from this video is this couple isn’t going to survive. 🤦🏼‍♂️

[@folofolofolofolo]

14:13 Yeah

[@tracyayley8177]

No strategy on how the wife does get her needs met ...and how to resolve those frustrations id be looking for reassurance my partner is not going to withdraw when im asking for help.

[@walterski8377]

Not clear how this EFT is different from any regular therapy session with therapist agreeing to ALL feelings. I must need this therapy because I found the therapist so hokey and obvious in accepting anything & EVERYTHING the person says. Not all feelings are valid, based on reality. Just because you feel something doesn't mean it comes from reality of what has happened.

[@lukincenter]

Thank you for your feedback. Acknowledging and validating feelings doesn’t mean there is agreement to them. That is a fundamental element to all therapy. It is ineffective to try to talk someone out of their feelings because typically people will double down on how they feel by becoming defensive. Hope this helps. Dr. Lukin

[@AbidingHopeMentalHealthCoach]

A feeling may not be valid in the sense that it reflects reality. However, what a person is feeling, is what a person is feeling. If I’m feeling sad, it doesn’t matter what my circumstances are. My sadness is valid. By the same token,I can have a deep Joy in spite of the worst circumstances, and I do. The idea of validating emotions, in this context, is basically to help (Client) feel like they aren’t crazy. they are feelings are real, whether or not they are grounded in reality. Trying to deny their feelings is not going to help them, and this is only the first step, really. Once the person feels seen and known, they can begin to shift.

[@sajisnair9354]

Creation of new soul child 🤔👈👉😋🙆😮

[@retrorewiindtv]

But the criticism came second as a reaction to an action.

[@superdrew8564]

this was interesting/helpful...but not the most realistic...as the patients were therapists themselves and could articulate things like "everyday" people couldn't it was a little difficult to relate

[@michelecollins1484]

It was never addressed that husband appears to ignore what needs to be done, leaving it for the wife to take care of because he has, "done enough", So he is allowed to be frustrated and fearful and upset and withdraw when he perceives himself to be being criticized. He could certainly be encouraged to realize that he is actively ignoring things that need to be done thus frustrating his wife.

[@Kev80ification]

If one roars and criticizes the message will never be absorbed by the other person and her needs will not be met unfortunately. It is the wrong communication style and it aggressive. I totally get the frustration and why someone does this but it just is not effective nor appropriate. The therapist could only cover so much within the 30 minute demo I have no doubt this would have been addressed in the next session.

[@larryfeinstein3202]

I found it difficult to watch this EFT role play as it did not come close to portraying the real emotions conflicted, contentious couples bring to the session, and therefore, did not demonstrate how to deal with THOSE emotions: Anger, withdrawal, blaming, condemnation, condescension. The role play was full of giggly laughter, good natured humor, and cooperation. It would be helpful to re-do this role play but amp up the real conflicting emotions.

[@lukincenter]

Thanks for the comment. We totally understand where you are coming from. For this role play, we were going for authentic issues coming up for this couple (there is no acting) but you are completely correct in that many couples are in a much more contentious place before coming to therapy.

[@emotionalsupportpaintbrush]

Your skills will improve w time, education, and supervision so don’t get discouraged. It’s a skill like any other. You will get there!❤

[@angelaramseyrobinson4407]

This was helpful but it did seem biased in wife’s favor. Things were framed with focus on him pulling away without equal acknowledgment that she can’t communicate what she needs without yelling or criticizing. Also, cutting him off felt off-putting.

[@lukincenter]

Thank you for the feedback! It is definitely difficult to make sure both parts of the couple feel heard and understood but sometimes one session does focus a little more on one part of the cycle. The hope is that through the course of therapy that evens out. Interrupting the cycle is also an important tool that is often used in EFT to allow deepening of emotion (we would always go back though). Hope that makes sense!

[@Lovechulajuana]

I agree completely. It was uncomfortable to watch him be cut off two times.

[@Kev80ification]

@@lukincenter You do have to watch the cutting off though it did come across as the guy being dismissed. I think that's a fine line you must work on.

[@soc9480]

I would rather live alone

[@michelecollins1484]

My perception is that the wife is complaining when the husband is not actively participating in managing the household. This particular issue was never raised.

[@roukytje]

It's not complaining, that's the upper layer..loneliness, lack of support, appreciation...It's more than just complaining.

[@The_Healing_Facilitator]

The "Yea, yea, yea" and "yes" every few words was very distracting.

[@keepingitrealUK]

You should not be putting words into the mouth of your client, you should instead you should be listening to what they say, and relay it back to them, so that they can see that you are listening to what they have to say.

[@dustypowell9894]

That's only if you think Carl Rogers had it right. Not every model is therapy model agrees and if you look at where couples counseling is moving with the research it's to a directive approach. It's clear most couples don't know what they are thinking, feeling or have the skills to do it in a relationship. As such the therapist has to give clients (especially men) words they don't have to describe their experiences. Clients tell us when we get it wrong.

[@JoaoBarroqueiro]

The couselor's face... seems full of gases😅

[@ek6321]

Ok, so it was all really fake. Ugh.

[@soc9480]

Well. Women just doesnt see the hard part of mens life outside of home. Then when he comes home, the women just wants their man to understand their emotions. If men brings home the bacon, the woman would ask why there is no cake. It is really difficult for men to stoop down to emotional relationship level most of the time.

[@Chris_Serrani]

very unprofessional to cut off the husband twice both inputs are extremely important, very interesting and well conducted session but a bit biased towards the wife.

[@angelopacheco1350]

I agree

[@AmericaFirst1963]

Therapist overly aligns with the woman to start the session.

[@bjj103]

I'd generalize that statement to say that therapists sometimes overly align with the more *verbally expressive partner* (which is often but not always the woman). Therapists are human. And therapy requires verbal expression. So, its an understandable tendency. It's just unfortunate in this scripted session they couldn't model how to resist that tendency or bias.

[@dustypowell9894]

I disagree, she actually does more emotional supports/props for the husband to have a voice emotionally over her to equalize their voice in the conflict.