The Problem With Perfect Mommy-Bloggers & Why We're Obsessed With Them || Motherhood In Progress

[@AshleyEmbers]

Make sure you check out this video's sponsor, BetterHelp, at betterhelp.com/embersandash for 10% off your first month!

[@drowningstar5]

As a “consumer” of mommy content it’s so hard to find something in between ‘toxic positivity’ and ‘wine mom’ culture. I’ve had to unfollow a few “relatable” mommy influencers because they really just focus on all the negative and exhausting parts of motherhood. I appreciate them being honest with the struggles but if all I did was focus on the negative I would spiral. I need some positivity mixed in there too.

[@cassandrahood7665]

I had to limit my time watching mommy bloggers & also purged my follow list on Instagram of them. It wasn’t them really… They were great! They lived beautiful lives, had amazing families, and their content was of great quality. It was beautiful to watch their vids on screen… Until the video was over and I was left staring at my reflection in my phone screen, remembering that I didn’t have what they had. The self questioning would start… I would think that my life wasn’t as exciting. That I couldn’t afford to do thrift hauls, or hauls in general. I always felt like I wasn’t doing enough as a mother because I didn’t live a life even close to what I saw on screen. That I was looked down upon as a mother because I couldn’t parent the way they were in their videos. I compared myself to these mothers waaaaay too much. It started to affect my mental health and, with that, my relationship with mothering in general. *I realized I used the vids to disassociate from my life and the negativity I was facing instead of dealing with it all and attempting to fix myself.* I was looking at these mommy vloggers as if they had a quick fix to a tough life. It seemed like they knew it all?? It seemed like they were so happy, maybe they had the answer to something. So maybe if I lived life like they did, I could be happy too? It never worked that way though. It was just me trying to live up to someone else’s expectations of motherhood and I just ended up hurting myself! So these past few months I’ve been reconnecting with my spirituality and just myself really, which has helped me *so much* when it comes to feeling grateful for my life/family/circumstances. I’ve been questions myself what I like. What things I value. What I value in a mother. Idk. The whole mommy side of KZbin/vlogging and all that can be so toxic if you’re in the wrong headspace about yourself.

[@magdalenaparadowska4833]

Aside from being real online and not painting a fake pretty picture for whatever reason I have to admit I love seeing moms who are truly happy and fulfilled with motherhood. It is relatable for me, as I feel that motherhood in all its miserable glory completes me and makes me want to have more children. Do you know what I mean? It feels lonely to be crazy about the whole experience, all the ups and downs and have no one to share it with, cause I feel like I'm rubbing my happiness into other moms faces. I tend to keep the excitement to myself and that is just as bad as hiding the misery. So please do continue to share the joy and the sadness, cause they are both so soooo valid. (Sorry if my English made it hard to comprehend 😬 I'm polish)

[@tiffanyhahn838]

You’re quickly becoming one of my favorite women on KZbin because you’re so realistic about everything. It’s hard to not feel jealous or negative about moms who come on here and show off all the free things they get, while they portray this beautiful perfect life. I have found myself simply unfollowing people who make me feel like this. We want to trust the people on KZbin because we think they’re just like us but it’s still not all real life. KZbin is the version of their life they want us to see.

[@elsaiggiotti1375]

Can we just take a minute to appreciate the intellectual honesty that is needed to start a video on a given topic and then change your opinion about it, then say it in said video? Thanks Ashley for keeping it real!

[@AshleyEmbers]

🧡🧡🧡

[@annacolio6520]

"I don't know where the balance stands..." To me, that is the definition of parenthood. We should always strive to find balance, knowing we can never truly achieve it❤️

[@Applee10101]

Comparing mom influencers to parenting magazines is such an interesting yet accurate parallel

[@KarissaLissette1023]

I really appreciate your content. It’s refreshing. In hindsight toxic positivity contributed to my PPA. Another thing that contributed was the whole gentle parenting movement because I thought if I didn’t respond to every single cry or whimper I was a bad mom. Thanks for the content.

[@gabrielarivera6065]

I think another huge reason mommy vloggers don’t share the hard times such as their kids crying, the temper tantrums etc. is because they want to maintain some level of privacy for their children. They don’t want to show this and their kids to be embarrassed by these videos years later. Additionally I think the vlogs are also for mom to look back on years later like home videos. They don’t want to look back on the bad they want to see the fun. The same reason our parents don’t have home videos of us throwing temper tantrums! Just my thoughts! Edit: just got to the very end and now you touched on not showing for privacy! Lol

[@LifeofFlora]

Yes agree and also as a parent myself I don't feel that I should expose my child without his permission. As a parent I believe just talking to other parents on KZbin is enough, we don't all need to be displaying our children on media's.

[@ileaween]

I used to get mad at moms who were always promoting stuff or telling you how they got a promo code for you etc, but now that I’m a mom myself and work full time I get it. If those affiliate links and those promo codes enable you to stay home and watch your kids grow, more power to you. Bills have to be paid and kids need to be fed. I wish I could do it! In the end no one can force you to buy anything.

[@AshleyEmbers]

So true!

[@MoonieNiks]

Suuuuch a good & relevant topic ! I feel like years ago toxic positivity was all the rage in motherhood content -> fast-forward to honest motherhood content taking a spotlight BUT THEN people started saying these parents were “complaining” and being “negative” -it’s like you can’t win! All you can really do is be real, but easier said than done when social media is really just curated content after all. Loving this series btw !! ✨

[@rachaelseward1906]

My husband and I have been trying for our first for about 8 months now. This video is true even outside of motherhood! I’ve dropped Facebook and Instagram because I struggle with comparing myself and wanting to be in the next stage of life because “it must be better.” Occasionally I hop on Facebook to get up to speed and I feel so ANXIOUS afterwards! It really is toxic to only see everyone’s best moments.

[@MeganAcuna]

YES about the hate! I don’t think people realize how many opinions are thrown at you every day as an “influencer.” It’s really tough to feel like you’re constantly being judged for every little thing you do and being told in no uncertain terms that you’re a bad mom every single day by someone new when you show up as you are, imperfect and struggling. There are definitely times when I feel the urge to just quit doing my job or to stop trying to show the more real side of motherhood because of all the hate. It would be so much easier to just show a fake picture-perfect life, but at the end of the day I’m here to help moms and being fake isn’t going to do that. That being said, I don’t think it’s sustainable to be 100% vulnerable like that for a long period of time, and I expect to eventually have to transition out of the motherhood space to a certain extent just to save my own mental health. It’s honestly really sad! Mothers are held to such unreasonable standards and while I think toxic positivity in the motherhood niche is definitely a problem, I also don’t think we can put all the blame on those perfect “mommy bloggers” who are struggling within this harsh and confining system themselves and left with few choices about how to present themselves. We don’t get mad at commercials for presenting an unrealistic life/standard, so I wonder why all this blame and shame is thrust into real women who choose to be less vulnerable online? As usual, such a well-researched and thoughtful video! Thank you so much for sharing with us and for all you do in this space, Ashley! You are such a light for so many 💛

[@scarlettkelley3372]

Thank you for this video! As usual, your content today was very relatable. The comments about the pandemic mom really resonated with me. I became a first time mom at the beginning of the pandemic and when I reached out for support from friends and family I often received comments like "just be thankful your baby is healthy" or "at least you'll have a fun story to tell." Not only were those comments not helpful, but they made me feel more isolated. I think it's so important that we acknowledge how we actually feel rather than sugarcoat things.

[@frankiebee2980]

I definitely figured out right away that I am in control of the content I watch. When a KZbin sends a message I don’t love once or twice, no big deal - but when I begin to notice it’s going in a direction I’m not interested in, I unfollow. I have noticed a lot of stress on cosmetic Botox, surgery, veneers etc with SAHM’s I’ve followed. Understandable that bloggers find this to be important as many wind up on ads all over the internet. But for me, it’s just discouraging. When I see that, I unfollow and then it’s totally out of sight out of mind.

[@AshleyEmbers]

That’s amazing that you’re so self aware and can pull the trigger when you notice it’s not good for you

[@veronicaelise5120]

Cool video! I’m only 4 mo into motherhood so I’m lacking perspective there, but I really have struggled with pregnancy and PP because of this mindset. I had a very hard pregnancy, and despite an uncomplicated birth, I am still having trouble standing and walking at 4 mo PP because I am in too much pain. Being immobilized has been extremely difficult for me, and it’s very scary to be suffering this much when I am hoping to have many more kids. But what makes it even worse if that when I tell people how much I am hurting (literally) I am reminded to be grateful. Or told, “but it’s worth it.” People believe that you can’t be truly grateful for your baby and also truly struggle. On the other hand, having a newborn has felt very easy for me. I can’t wait to have more kids. And I am so blessed to have a genuinely ‘rose-colored’ experience with motherhood so far, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with someone who doesn’t have that experience. Overall, I think having my pain invalidated by people has actually made the struggle even worse. I also have stopped telling some people the truth because it’s too hard to share your heart and have it be dismissed. I imagine that’s probably why a lot of people only say good things.

[@nbabombshell]

Found on someone that commented on a Brittany Balyn vid btw ❤️. So when you said we watch them because they are aspirational aka goals . These girls know this , it’s their business. Also they look to the world and that gives them the dopamine hit , to never come clean and keep pretending . And even when they try to be relatable you can see they are doing it so people don’t think it’s all fake . I follow because of aesthetics, because I really like doing all the pretty things for me , not for the gram . But yet idk what would happen if I had people telling me how great I was all the time .

[@daysofa28-year-old12]

This topic has been on my mind lately. I'm actually regularly watching only your videos and two other channels of motherhood content. Most of everything else I feel like I have to filter post by post, because the toxic positivity and fakeness is not something I feel like watching on the daily. Thanks for this well rounded summary of the topic.

[@sarahkrauss3329]

I only follow Ashley, Megan Acuna and Brittany Balyn! Same reasons.

[@IvyFuld]

This is my fave Motherhood in Progress video yet! Love this series Ash! I am definitely someone who I feel benefits tremendously from those moms that share their honest and real life (with their struggles) online. Especially in the early days of having my son when things were so tough adjusting plus handling sleep deprivation, it made me feel so much less alone to see and hear moms going through the SAME things and not just frolicking in a lavender field with a newborn who seemingly never cried. I try to share a healthy mix of the "highlight reel" and my real life struggles and I've had other moms reach out to me and thank me for sharing honestly. I think what everyone has to remember is that sharing when things are tough doesn't mean you don't love your life. And it's perfectly normal and ok to share real life.

[@ellymarishernandez4560]

THIS!!! I am LOVING all of your content lately (more so than usual!) I really appreciate that you’re tackling these not so spoken about topics. It’s so needed in communities like this 😊

[@AshleyEmbers]

Thank you so much! I really love making this content 😊

[@joyceceline9163]

I actually love watching vloggers that are NOT perfect. I would buy from them more than the perfect ones.

[@AshleyEmbers]

I agree!

[@nicolemarie8413]

I love this series and how you explore the different perspectives!

[@LifeofFlora]

I agree

[@marisellopez6022]

It was really hard for me to become a mom first within my friend group I felt very alone and like I could never express the hardships of motherhood because they would become judgmental and wouldn't understand. so I like to watch mommies online because I can relate, I learn a lot from them. I lost a lot of friends when I became a mom, and really only chose to have the supporting loving friends I need.

[@LifeofFlora]

I feel you're pain, one thing to remember is that true friends will be there no matter you're situation, be strong look after you're beautiful children and be the best mum you can. We're doing good.

[@Tatiannafonseca]

Omg, your Motherhood in Progress videos are soooo necessary! I love all of them. Thank you for that! 💙

[@rfstoneguist]

One point to the topic of not showing realness in order to avoid others fearing parenthood, is that this shouldn't be the only resource that people interested in having children look to for what it would be like. They should be looking outside the internet as well, which as you stated, we all know everything online is fake. They should be asking their own parents, new-parent friends, etc. Additionally, just because this is your job doesn't mean you are responsible for the way others receive it. Admittedly, I understand the mindset that develops behind this because it affects your income, but I wouldn't only make decisions in any other workplace based on how my coworkers or boss may possibly receive what I'm saying poorly. That puts the audience in a position of power over the influencer. I'd argue that it should be the other way around since many choose this line of work to be their own boss and either way you will gain some amount of audience or community. It's more important that you love the content you put out and the work you do. That's why I watch your videos and will continue because you would rather have quality over quantity. Hoping the influencer-audience relationship in the mommy-niche of the internet changes soon! Thanks for keeping it real and opening dialogue around this topic.

[@Gabriela-ej5ew]

What’s the limit to validation of feelings, really? If I was to validate every bad feelings and sentiment that I have I would be trapped in a cycle of victim mentality.

[@AshleyEmbers]

Ooo very interesting point

[@elliegault]

True. I feel validation is important but how you express it is what makes or breaks it for me. Taking a moment and saying "wow, last night was hard." is perfectly normal but I believe the victim mentality comes into play when the attitude of "x didn't sleep last night, of course, but that's just a part of motherhood I guess....oh the joys of motherhood" Expressing it in a way that makes it sound like a nuisance and will be a continual nuisance is a victim mentality, especially considering your child had no say in being born. It's definitely a selfless job, I mean shoot, Christ gave His life for us and cried out on the cross but he didn't make us feel bad for needing him.

[@brittanymerrier1766]

I wouldn't want some one video me while I had an anxiety attack or a meltdown and posting the video online for the world to see without my consent. Making raw content doesnt have to be literally showing your child in their most vulnerable state. I stopped watching and following certain influencers because I didnt agree with their content. I do have a few positive go getter mothers who rock at the "almost perfect lifestyle" and I have the small community raw influencers. I love this topic, gave me a whole new perspective of the world of influencers.

[@jojomojo6569]

You should have way more subscribers.

[@hannahpalmer8043]

Love it. This is so real and true. Coming from a normal, not always positive and perfect mom

[@princesspinkie1661]

The good with the bad: you end up crying because your baby loudly cries for no reason you can figure out but then you look down at them and you just want to tell them how special they are and how much you love them because even when they break you down they are still the greatest thing you could have ever created. Being a mom is such a pain but so amazing at the same time!

[@valentinaperez8815]

GIRL!!! YOU NEED A PODCAST RIGHT NOW... SUCH GREAT CONTENT!!!!!! WAY TO GO.. also, I don't know what I prefer, I think I like the in between not too real not too fake..

[@AshleyEmbers]

Hahahaa thank you! I was thinking about putting these videos into audio format and making a podcast

[@valentinaperez8815]

@@AshleyEmbers you should def do it! I think it is amazing all the research you do and how you put it all together! Also english is not my first language and you make it very easy to understand which would be great to reach a broader audience! I wanted to share you last video about happiness in parenthood with my bf and she was hesitant because it was a video and she said she had no time to watch it… I had to explain that it was more to listen than to actually watch! The visuals are just a plus.. again, you rock! Love these!

[@sabamujkic392]

Not a mom yet myself, but I love seeing your videos. It's refreshing to have a balance between the hard days versus the good times and to be honest about it all

[@Jessssicadanielle]

Okay I LOVE this video! Thank you for being so honest about these topics. There is a certain influencer who links (affiliate) everything even if she didn’t buy it. In particular getting gifted Lovevery toys but then linking the target ones. You’re so right. There is a line but a lot of influencers cross it. Also, isn’t the law that you have to say it’s an affiliate? Many don’t and instead just do links & swipes. On the point of criticism to influencer moms.. I definitely think that it comes with the territory but there is also a way to communicate something. I hate that people are so critical though for things that they don’t need to be like, complaining about their hard pregnancy or not BLW. But certain things should be critiqued and brought to their attention like showing they child in the bath or oversharing their child (like tantrums or not fully clothed). And a lot of influencers call it hate when someone says something but if this is their job, isn’t it a customer concern that should be addressed? My last point is the lack of real honesty. Influencer moms claiming to do it all when they have a husband who works from home and family around all the time.. even during the pandemic. Personally I like seeing moms who are striving to be better, have a nice aesthetic but are just being a normal human. Not a fake robot. I unsubscribed to many influencers that I feel don’t embody that. I had to get off of Instagram and Facebook... one of the many reasons is comparison when my life as a new mom in 2020/2021 was extremely hard. Anyways thanks again for this video! 🙃

[@AshleyEmbers]

So many good points. I think there’s room to point out when mother’s are maybe overstepping. It’s like when people say that “there’s no wrong way to do motherhood”… technically there is a wrong way but most moms are doing great haha. As for the affiliate thing, my understanding is that you have to disclose it but I find many influencer don’t even disclose ads sometimes.

[@dsanmoral]

everyone always bashes Colleen Ballinger for complaining about how tough her pregnancies are and I think it’s so unfair. She’s literally carrying twins right now and it is harder than ever for her. Really sad no one can empathize with her, instead they belittle her.

[@genevieveevans7307]

For a mum who has just started vlogging my motherhood journey on KZbin it's been a challenge for me to appear authentic and 'real' like I dont want to over share yet I don't want to come of as if I'm sailing through motherhood like 'oh it's a breeze' because it definitely isn't. When I was pregnant I use to get so annoyed with people saying 'oh you've got the hard work to come' 'enjoy being pregnant because when that baby arrives your life will never be the same again' 'oh you've got all the fun to come' Id think oh f off will you! How hard can it be?! Surely people wouldn't be having babies if it was that hard!? Which is why I am mindful of sharing the 'negative' aspect as I want other expected parents to not feel how the comments I had would make me feel. If you get what I mean. It's an interesting topic! Thank you for sharing x

[@imanigolden7917]

Hi Ash! I rarely comment on youtube but your content is so real and you talk about so many real ideas and topics. Love it! Keep doing what you're doing💪I've been thinking about starting a channel and hope I can share video that are just as real!

[@AshleyEmbers]

Thank you so much!

[@stephanieruddock1386]

Very interesting, thank you! I agree that being careful of who you follow is the way to go. I find sometimes I’m in the mood to be “inspired” by the “perfect moms” and sometimes I need someone to commiserate with if I’m having a bad day 🤣 It’s easy enough to find those inspirational videos when I feel like I’m in the mood, so I try to only subscribe to channels like yours where I feel like I can always relate and don’t feel bad if I don’t seem to measure up.

[@AshleyEmbers]

I agree that sometimes I like to be inspired by these people too. Especially with home decor 😄

[@marlajenkins8303]

Love this series your doing! it's so interesting! I find myself watching a lot of toxic positivity mum stuff sometimes, and when I do I can't help but compare my life to there's, and it's defo not heathy and makes me feel so crappy about myself. Thank goodness for your videos! there brilliant

[@TheMakeDoMorgan]

I love this series! I don't usually comment but I'm trying to help this in the algorithm: P

[@canada954]

You should check out Halsey’s Zane Lowe interview for apple! She talks about being allowed to have feelings even though you’re grateful to have a baby and the topic of “womanhood”

[@nejv5028]

Yea It can be hard seeing other moms “doing it better”, having more aesthetically pleasing toys and clothes . Its good to talk to other moms about your life and share your life the good and the bad, but for me personally, i have to remember that im a christian and the Bible does teach us to not complain and always be happy . Might sound unrealistic and of course were humans we mess up, im one of them for sure .. im just trying to say and hard as it may be or to hear those things, at least for me, basically at the end of the day i do have to remind myself of that and that i do have to follow Gods word. But of course life isnt easy and the Bible doesnt say it will be .about watching content, i like having a balance of seeing good/inspirational, but also real life .

[@LizzyTwifehomemaker]

I see what you're saying. I personally like the inspirational aspect of these influencers. I think what we will want from the influencers we follow will depend on our personalities. I kind of enjoy the escapism and inspiration, but I also like some realism. It makes me feel inspired to reach higher. However that is my personality an how my brain works. I don't think everyone is like that and so they may not like those types of influencers. On the other hand if the influencer is too real or too negative I don't enjoy that. It makes me feel dragged down and uninspired to do my best.

[@AshleyEmbers]

I totally get that 😊

[@lilywilliams4440]

I’m due with a little boy in December and I just LOVE your content🥺💙

[@bethw3573]

I'm due with a little boy in December too! Her content is so refreshingly real. I've been loving this series, even as a first time pregnant mom!

[@lilywilliams4440]

@@bethw3573 Omg, congrats! & yes it’s so nice to get a real feel for what my future will be like instead of watching the people who cut out and try to hide that there are hard times as a mom too! This will be my first baby as well :)

[@LifeofFlora]

Have a safe delivery, welcome to motherhood....

[@feliciasuris2381]

Could you make a video or comment on how to be more emotionaly present with baby? To stay out of your head and sit down and play or talk with them to make them priority not chores or laziness or depression

[@katielottie9445]

I think a lot of non mums watch unrealistic content as well because we have no idea what the real is! So you get sucked in not knowing if it’s real or unrealistic and think ‘I can’t wait to have this’ then when it comes….. maybe it won’t be all you’ve seen

[@AshleyEmbers]

That’s such a good point!

[@drzeworyj]

not "posting" the bad is not an excuse for making a little disclaimer about why you are only showing the good. most influencers don't do that, because they are interested in maintaining the lie, and possibly addicted to it. you can exclusively show the good, but, to reiterate, you can talk about why you do it, and you can talk about the bad (instead of showing it). it's important, so thanks for making it the subject of your video.

[@pauumontero6316]

it does influence other women who like to be a mom, but when just the "bright" side is shown, it can cause false expectations...

[@laurafishburn5535]

Love this video!

[@braydenm715]

By far the best video you’ve ever made. ….. why am I crying? 😂🤣😅

[@miamiller8781]

I don't like being that guy but if you do get a dog one day I hope you do some research into ethical and well bred dogs as doodles or designer breeds (purebred cross breeds often bred for profit rather than for standard and quality animals) as well as how the animal fits your lifestyle. One of my friends almost got a doodle bc her husband is allergic but I explained that doodles wouldn't make a good dog and a standard poodle is better. So they wanted an Australian shepherd and I panicked bc they live in an apartment and both work and don't have the lifestyle to fit the dog.

[@naorivas]

I loved this rant.

[@simpletulip]

Not necessarily blogger platform related but on Instagram- I get so annoyed by how it over simplifies gender roles….like the trend w/Tik tok voice overs in reels where mothers use this quick voice over trend to explain their fulfillment as a mother. The current one specifically is “they say having a boy is because you needed love and having a girl is because you needed maturity”…I have only seen “boy moms” make these videos and as a “girl mom” I just kinda find it annoying? I’m all for trends and cutesy baby stuff on Instagram but I see this gender stuff being pushed and it’s weird! I am so traditional in my duties, but I’ve always hated the wives tales pushed during pregnancy and I feel like displaying what has made a mother find happiness isn’t justified from a voice over. Ironically, I have seen backlash from mothers to other moms who have used the voiceover related to missing their old self. Which goes along the lines of boy displaying positivity. It’s ok to say mommy needs wine, but we can’t normalize why some moms miss their prior self?? A lot of baby accounts for pumping breast feeding car seat safety I have had to unfollow because my explorer page was filled with just too much mom stuff. Now I only follow real you tubers

[@Life-ll1xs]

Love this

[@mariacriss5414]

❤❤❤

[@beckytownsend1839]

I am so 50/50 about starting my own KZbin channel. I am a single, alternative mum with mental health issues and I’d love to document my struggles and be that person other mums can relate to.. but then why would someone care about me. And also, I think Delilah may be a bit toxic. It was all very much, I prayed to god and now my baby is fine and I’m going to have another baby soon 🙄

[@هند-و7ك]

I wish i had more than the like button