Emotional Abuse :: I AM abusive! What do I do Now? :: a former abuser speaks out

[@crimsonwolf9099]

Seems like yours are the ONLY videos here that attempt to help abusers recover. There need to be hundreds. There are not. I am an atheist but respect your religious beliefs. Thanks for posting your videos. Keep spelling out the recovery steps for guys to move back to sanity, even if they are not religious.

[@Revenchist6]

Crimson Wolf Agreed. Atheist here also. Your points regarding rewiring the mind and not trusting yourself really hit home for me. Keep it up. 👍🏻

[@AustinJamesAuthor]

Thank you. If you have topics you would like me to cover please let me know.

[@dawngeddisallyn5911]

Crimson Wolf I agree but first like Austin they have to admit it.

[@joshuamiller6010]

Austin James hi sir what’s your email address?

[@AustinJamesAuthor]

joshua miller Hi Joshua. My contact info is in the description of each video - [e-mail]

[@sanitylanes3953]

It took my boyfriend of two years to leave me before I fully realized what I was doing. Even then I wasn’t fully aware. Then we were arguing over text the other day and he said “it’s nice to not cry myself to sleep on my birthday, it’s nice to finally be far enough away from you that you can’t hurt me like this anymore.” And I started crying. When he left me, I wanted to die, not to manipulate him into coming back, but to escape the fact that I hurt him. I abused to man that I genuinely loved with every part of me and that’s the sick part, I did love him, but I abused him. I don’t know why I did that, but I want to be different with my new relationship. I want to be a better friend to my ex. I want to have a healthy life with my fiancé. Get married. Have kids and be a good mom. The hardest part for me will be forgiving myself and no longer punishing myself for the abuse I received as a child, and the abuse I dished out as an adult.

[@jessicatoussaint9140]

The important thing is that you know now. That's what matters.

[@chloethemessenger]

Once you’re aware of your own blockages, there’s a chance for you to finally make a change. I know you’ll get there 🥰

[@juliagulia3386]

Same situation. I have been so terrible to my boyfriend, maybe ex now and I just don't know how I'll ever be able to forgive myself for how much I've hurt him. I want him to leave so that I can't hurt him anymore but I also don't want him to go. I'm so lost and totally broken. I made the man cry.

[@sauravyatrades193]

Yep i ruined my last two relationships by repeating the same emotional abuse and manipulating and lacjkng trust in my partner. Feeling angry when they didn't agree to what i said. Feeling enraged by not getting all of their attention. I feel so ashamed at the end i manipulated her if she left me i would kill myself. And even blackmailed her by telling her i would release her nude if she didn't met me for one last time. Now i am ashamed and feel like really stinking piece of shit and don't want my other relationship to go like that. I also hope to see my future partner will be happy with me

[@volgg]

First step to a path of healing is acknowledgement of what you have done. I've done some toxic things to my partners without being aware that I was. It took me a while to forgive myself for it. But I commend you for the acknowledgement. It shows you're remorse about it, while other abusers don't even acknowledge their problems or even flat out refuse to.

[@krypey]

Admitting to being abusive feels like admitting to being an alcoholic. It’s so hard but it’s the first step to freeing yourself from your past

[@user-ib2bt4ck7y]

I was an physically/ emotionally abusive girlfriend. I feel so ashamed. I don't feel worthy of life at all anymore. I don't feel worthy of love. I often wish I would just die.

[@gothicshawty5676]

Angel Carpenter are you still here?

[@erenyeager3655]

Same her girl those neurotypicals kinda just need to die

[@peacealways8140]

I feel you I promise your not alone.

[@mj680]

You took the first step by realizing there is a part of you that you need to improve.

[@mushroom4978]

@r o s e m i l k t e a guy. Stay strong. It seems impossible to deal with but u must stay strong. Any crisis is an opportunity also. Look in to yourself. Get to know self. Study self.... and once u get happy with self people will be attracted to you.

[@jcoronado241]

I love my ex and her leaving just made me realize . I am an abuser. I feel low. Called the va. Scheduled therapy

[@nicothenatural]

I'm glad you have reached out for help. Best wishes on your healing journey

[@donnalevey6040]

You are not a abuser. Behaviors can become different Behaviors but do you think that you can change your view of yourself?.there is way too much focus on the word and not enough focus on prevention.It is the place of healing we all need to move forward in peace.no one is all good or all bad.Best wishes to you.you are brave

[@rainrainlsn]

Thanks for admitting. It really helps.

[@kittyrabies]

You can do it king/queen/royal!! Im cheering for ya

[@CherryCakeLane]

Summary of the videos self-help tips: 1) realise manipulation and abuse isn't the ticket to the perfect life. No one's ever said I'm going to be violent or cruel in order to get a happy life and relationship. 2) Now you know what you're doing you have more control and more power to realise and stop midway. Question - is this okay to be saying? If I saw someone else doing this to their partner would I despise them? Do I want to deal with the outcome of my rage? 3) confide in someone 4) the problem is in you so focus on YOU not your spouse. 5) don't expect to miraculously change. You'll have relapses, don't give up.

[@AustinJamesAuthor]

IllogicalSimplicity Thank you!

[@Ameg13]

Lillolifrog amen

[@thomasscott6146]

I.. was an abuser in a relationship of five years.. i lunged at her once she left me.. had a right to and i still begged her to stay. I broke things off recently bc we had gotten back together. I deserve this. I know i can get better but it hurts to know ive hurt someone i cared about so much. I heard it in my head, and now aince the breakup shes in a relationship and happier, hes great matches her energy. I feel like i was a waste of time. And honestly i was she couldve had better relationships if i wasnt there. Im going to be better. Im going to heal. And oje step is ensuring that i am transparent and honest. First to my close friends but now admiting it to pple out loud. This is what i was and now i want to be better.

[@Ameg13]

I’m a survivor of domestic violence and sexual abuse. I’m in a place now where I’m almost at the peak of my recovery. I’m not all the way just yet. I suffer from ptsd and cannot be alone with any male anywhere without having a panic attack. A friend of mine just came out and told me he abused his ex fiancé. I didn’t want to look at him like my monsters... because he seemed to be remorseful of his actions. Which I’ve never ever heard... So it opened my mind to “What do abusers do to heal?” And I came across your video and I wish I could talk to you as a survivor to you. You seem to be so emotionally invested in helping abusers accept what they did and fix the cycle. I’m so happy I found you. I’m in tears... I’m proud of you. Thank you for showing them it’s ok to get better and it’s ok to let the change happen.

[@Ameg13]

@Colorful Animations when tf did I ever say they shouldn’t serve time? You down to help me in my journey to get my abuser some time after 20+ years. Loved to hear it. If no you’re a coward

[@arreola891]

@Colorful Animations Tell me you're a thief and a drug dealer without telling me you're a thief and a drug dealer?... Sadly, allot of these abusers don't serve much time because the victims are absolutely terrified to press charges, plus.. the laws definitely need to change.

[@Fire-Toolz]

@Colorful Animations Prison is supposed to be corrective behavior, not a place people go so you can feel like your very valid anger is reconciled. This man got to the place that prison is **supposed** get you. Seems like he got a lot further than the prison system gets most people. Throwing a changed person who saw through their abuse in prison doesn't do the world any good but suck our tax dollars. If he's not hurting people anymore, and owning up 100% to his horrible mistakes, what's the point in prison? If he has repented and held himself accountable and is now helping people with their recovery, it would be asinine to want him in prison.

[@rockmangurlx4973]

Change can be a dirty word that’s thrown around like a false promise yet the reality is that it’s technically possible. I still am wary of certain people similar to those I was with, but if redemption is supposed to be real then maybe it’s not a lost cause.

[@nathanthompson9254]

I have dealt with abusive people all throughout my life and always vowed that I would never become that kind of person because I absolutely loathed this and now to realize that I have become that monster was so hard to realize. It is true and it hurts me to the core. I want to change and become a better person mentally and emotionally. I don't want to lash out and hurt others anymore.

[@zyragr]

@Colorful Animations the fuck is wrong with you? Some ppl who abuse dont even know that what they're doing is abuse and even some ppl know, they CANNOT just stop it. Stop saying shit to the ppl who acknowledged their behavior and trying to change and heal. Gtfoutta here

[@jamess125]

Abusive tendencies are closely relation to addiction, and all addictions are related. It's a well-worn neural pathway that becomes automatic. But abusive and addictive tendencies can be circumvented by learning new patterns of behavior. It takes time and it takes conscious effort, just like learning any new skill. Because that's what it is; a skill. The skill of communication, empathy, and self love. Once those skills start to set into your mentality, the "need" for destructive tendencies start to shrink away.

[@MuhammadAli-wy6ku]

You should speak more about It James, it seems you know a lot about it.

[@nathanthompson9254]

I have been suffering from an addiction for more than 20 years and just woke up to the fact recently that I am also emotionally abusive. I was devastated when I read all the behaviors and actions tied to this as I could see that I did all or most of them. However, I never connected any of them to abuse. I think that being picked on and bullied physically, emotionally, and psychologically as a youth and struggling to deal with addiction lead me to develop abusive tendencies.

[@Deadassbruhfrfr]

Thank you

[@bernitacenteno1326]

Ask Dr. Ramani Durvasula. She is an expert in narcissistic personality disorder among other Phds on You Tube. They have a character disorder really and like a rubber band they can get better but when they stop working on their problem, even for a little while, it's like letting go of the rubber band. What they do is return to their previous behavior. It's NOT curable. It is not a crime to be a JERK she says and can't be qualified as a mental illness, such in the DSM 5, but it IS a very destructive thing to be a narcissist, dangerous to others.

[@CareBear8695]

You have saved my life today. You don't even know me and you have just saved me with this video. It's only been three years of abuse for my husband and he is still with me and wants to grow together to make our marriage what it could be. I could have gone so long abusing and dinning against him. God bless you for this video and for giving me hope that I can be redeemed. I am not condemned and I can be a better wife than I have been. Thank you.

[@Windows96_]

I'm scared of becoming my abuser, I'm scared of being abusive. I have this overwhelming sense to seal myself shut from the world. I've been going to therapy with a trauma informed therapist and things are getting better. But the fears of hurting people are there. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather die than to hurt an innocent soul. It was painful when I was alone in the pandemic. But the thing that saved my life is that I knew I needed help.

[@niklee8172]

I left my fiancé who was emotionally abusive. It’s crazy because I loved her so much but I realized I shouldn’t be sad every or made to cry every day because the person I love calls me names or attacks me. Currently in the hospital and when she made me go alone, I realized it was over. Been staying here in the hospital alone, and it’s been tough to realize the person I fell in love with wasn’t the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with anymore :/ I hope she heals and gets better. I miss her dearly but won’t go back to that kind of treatment.

[@dh1474]

I wish this man was still with us. I don't think I've heard such honesty. RIP.

[@n.d.6430]

Did he die? I just found this video today 2024

[@dh1474]

@@n.d.6430 yes died a few years back.

[@owunkia]

@@dh1474how did he die? this is making me tear up a bit honestly because hes helping me so much and i needed it so badly currently, may he rest in peace im in shock

[@dh1474]

@@owunkia it hasn't been released how he died. Best not to speculate..

[@jasminemmarsden]

I reeked havoc on my relationships with men. I lost three. Those three relationships came after I was physically assaulted by my father. I never got help from it. I looked at every man after that as being the enemy. I didn't hit or name call but I sure badgered, was controlling, and passive aggressive. I picked fights, I exploded, I had tantrums and when it was all over I would cry and beg for forgiveness. I was really pathetic. Those three men literally ran away from me and never looked back. No more. I am here to tell you that woman can abuse men and I won't be that woman anymore. Thank you for your transparency.

[@rais9204]

Thank you for this video. I am an emotionally controlling abusive wife and I can’t take it anymore!! I just want it all gone. My heart is heavy and I just want to be a better woman and find the Lord and find peace. I never saw how abusive i was. And I can only hope and pray my husband and children will forgive me one day. I have had suicidal thoughts as well and looked into groups to try to get help and just be around others to life me up but I haven’t been able to find any. Thank you for your words of encouragement!! God bless!!

[@oliviaeberhart24]

I dont know if you'll ever see this comment but I will pray for you. Jesus loves you and He died for you. God forgives anything and everything if you repent and accept christ as your savior. I believe in you. I hope you're doing better now.

[@eurekaelephant2714]

@@oliviaeberhart24 thats really sweet. Im just acknowledging what you wrote. Im not the person you wrote it to, but i did pass by here and read it.

[@85008godzilla]

Been with my wife for over a decade now and she's taking off. She wants nothing to do with me besides coparent .I am now truly realizing I have been an abuser. I thought my marriage would work if went to church or did other activities. But it never dawned on me that the problem was not the relationship it was me. I don't want to hurt my wife anymore. All I want to do is nurture her and make her happy again. But I know I have to focus on myself to make the change.

[@JesusIsTheGoodSheppard]

I am a woman and I am dealing with this issue. I like his advice of not thinking of working on it daily, but hourly if necessary. Making little goals can help you achieve this huge goal of overcoming this. I will get past this, and so will all of you!!! We’re in this together!

[@andreaireland7848]

I am a woman in the same situation. I was abused growing up and now I see that is how I learned to treat my partner.

[@BeckyAnnHill]

Me too.

[@SlayerSpaz]

Recently lost my family. Didn’t realize how quick my abusive patterns would flip my world upside down. Im sick when I reflect my behavior.. I need help so bad..

[@drb8063]

Thank you Mr Austen James. I’m afraid to be myself. I don’t want to be angry anymore.

[@DigitalPraise7]

Mushiba SIYAMBANGO you...can...be...changed. Christ can change you.

[@creamypeanutbutterjellygir3321]

@@DigitalPraise7 amen

[@xoxo-wt7dd]

You tried to kill your wife in Mi. You deserve everything that is handed to you. Drs. have written statement s what a monster you are

[@celticfire5787]

I was an emotional abuser. It’s such a hard thing to accept. I’ve told my girlfriend that she was fat, that i hated her dog, that I wanted to knock out her brother, etc. Honestly I never saw myself until she broke up with me. I’m glad I saw myself but it hurts that I treated my best friend like that. I hope things will get better.

[@amyjkr]

It takes a strong person to look at yourself and admit you failed the people you love. I failed my kids by staying with an abuser an all I wanted from the abuser is an equal ownership of what our dynamics did to the kids. He can’t do it. It’s too hard. I know his values don’t align with his actions. Somehow, when he does the abuse, he manipulates his own mind to justify it. Because he’s too weak. I was abuse as a child too. But I tried to excuse his behavior because of his childhood, until it got too hard. And then he punishes me for finally making a stand for me and the kids. Most abusers won’t look at themselves like you. Thank you.

[@AustinJamesAuthor]

Amy Kline Thank you! And good luck.

[@Angela-kg7bf]

I was in an emotionally abusive 'relationship' for 30 years. I ended it 12 months ago, my abuser will never accept that he was abusive sad, for him and me .

[@mzmoth]

Plenty of people looking up abuse but almost no one admitting to it. Respect! Crying is definitely good, it’s one of only about 3 triggers for oxytocin; literally the physical/chemical form of love!

[@prosubzero89]

I am an emotional abuser and I’m so tired of living like that I’m so tired of putting my poor wife thru it , she’s and my kids deserve so much better

[@QuinnLIFTS]

I realized 5 weeks ago that I was being abusive and controlling towards the love of my life and the kids as well. The messed up part is I had many warnings of my actions but didn't register anything until she shut down and wouldn't talk. And finally realizing the abuse you put ppl you love thru is probably the worst feeling in the whole world. So I can only imagine being on the receiving end. Like you said in the video, it's something I want no part of ever again once it was put in front of me and I've never cried this much in my life but I'm on the road to creating a new me and learning as I go.

[@makeadifference6291]

Wishing you the best on your journey Free your soul free your mind

[@nurdoolotravshanov5291]

Hi, I left my husband about three weeks before. He was an abuser. But unfortunately he doesn’t accept that he is an abuser. For him it’s normal to use me, to manipulate me and to raise hand. We have two kids. I don’t want to meet him again.

[@darrencorpuzjr]

Thank you for making this video. From the comments, I know that you are in a better place. I wish I could have talked to you. I’m an abuser and now I’m seeking help professionally because I woke up and it hurts and I no longer want to hurt others. Thank you 🙏

[@ireneedmonds4712]

I’m a woman and 22 and I feel like I’m abusive but I can’t stop being paranoid or feeling that I will lose everything.

[@alexisrush91]

I feel so disgusted with myself....I didn't know I was mirroring my brothers drunken behavior..I didn't even realize I was abused growing up....I've said and done so many ugly things to so many beautiful people I don't know how im going to forgive myself if I even deserve forgiveness

[@markgconnors7932]

You do deserve forgiveness. We all do.., I started reading Kristin Neff’s book, Self Compassion

[@chloethemessenger]

I’m not even half way through the video and I’m crying. It’s so healing when someone admits to the hurt they’ve caused others including themselves. Your courageous for taking responsibility for your actions without blaming anyone else. Thank you. I wish more men would come to this conclusion sooner before the women who genuinely love them leave💕. This gives me hope that people do change. God bless you ☀️

[@brokenheartofmexico4803]

When you said that all the times you were abusive flew bye, that's exactly what happened to me. I said I knew it but I didn't "know" it. I ended up getting a book called the emotionally abusive relationship and it has been working wonders. I've been working hard and hopefully will be able to save my family.

[@Dellabobella]

I really appreciate that this video exists because now that I have woken up and realized the abuser I was, I am so devastated to have lost my love over my actions. I want to better myself so I dont hold poison in my head or heart anymore. I dont want to hurt the next person I meet so I'm scared to meet someone now at all. I dont know what steps to take to better myself but I know I want to be better..

[@gillianomotoso328]

Adella Alam Anyone who has hurt, is a victim unto herself. There are more of us than we know. You’re not alone, and I’ve been there. We have hope to be better.

[@GELLISFILMS]

Thanks for posting this. I've come to the realisation that i'm an abuser after another heated argument with my partner (ex partner now) yesterday morning. I totally regret what i have done, but now realise i'm on a journey to get better for myself and all future relationships. Finding this and reading other websites about what it means to be abusive has really made me understand a little more about my mindset and behaviour, something that i never really put together before.

[@janedoe3231]

Me and my ex were differend kind of abusers. I was more into controlling, and he was more into emotional manipulations. We suffered a lot together but it opened my eyes and I started to google any articles, books and podcasts about abuse. It's uneasy for me to listen lots of information on foreign language, but I am going to overcome.

[@LyricShai]

This is exactly what I'm going through now. Hope your healing journey is still going well! I'm rooting for you!

[@janedoe3231]

@@LyricShai hey, I can't say I have overcome it completely but I have became much less toxic :)

[@Detailsmatter123]

Hardest part is forgiving yourself. Especially when you love the person and wanted to make them happy but all you did was traumatized them. Life fucking sucks. Just need to keep working on myself n I hope , she heals. She is the best human being.

[@deedee_against_all_odds8554]

As is for the abused.... when we realize we are being abused.. when we actually wake up, our reality changes drastically. We don’t completely make it out of the profound confusion, but it’s devastating as well to recognize what’s actually happening. And if the person inflicting the abuse, has managed in any way by intimidation, we beat ourselves up, because even after realizing what’s going on, we are still stagnant, and fearful to leave. At least that’s my present struggle. I’m very glad you put this out, I’m glad you’ve made strides and accomplished healing from this. That you were able to recognize and learn from the past experiences. Props to you!

[@LalienX]

Good talk on the abuser label. That is the part that absolutely killed me. She left over a year ago after 10 years and I am still trying to be a better person every day.

[@dh1474]

Good luck bro, you can be the man you want to be!

[@philipeggman895]

Wow, I totally agree with you. I woke up to this reality and I am devastated and it is true - I am guilty of this. My wife has told me this but I did not believe it but it is true. My wife is done. She is definitely getting ready to leave - she said I was toxic and I am and I was. Like you just wanted a good marriage but I was hurting my wife emotionally. I want to change, not to save my marriage but to save me. Thank you for this video, James. Five years later this truth resonates.

[@Rosonicole]

Thank you for being open about your truth. Alot of people never really change. Most deny and go the other way with it one victim after another. It's time we find a real solution and present it to the world as a real factor.

[@LabeilleCreative]

I’m only 20, i had a bunch of problems when I was 19 and I was abusive to my GF of 4 years, it’s interesting because when people hear what happened, they think it wasn’t a big deal for me as it was for her, while I will not deny the way she sees me now, It was bad for me too, and that’s exactly what I needed to change the way I live. I love her still, more so than I did before. I’m living a more fulfilling life now and I intend to keep it this way and focus more on myself.

[@gregoryrogerino277]

You are a decent honest good person. Fortunate to be aware of your behavior...please attempt to diminish your guilt....we have all been / done inappropriate insensitive behaviors.....

[@elliefarias]

Thank You so much! I'm a women and I just became aware that I've been emotionally abusive! I will take the time to heal! Christ is the only one that can help me!

[@big_wink78]

I’m guilty of being an abuser and need help, tips, and tricks on how I can can change and keep my relationship

[@Lawperson97]

clayton winkler me too please im so miserable and afraid the love of my life will get fed up and leave me

[@707thizzn]

Ive just noticed as well Clay.... which is a trip... I went to elementary and middle school with a clayton winkler. Stay up. We all will make it but we need patience, support and love. DONT EVER GIVE UP, cuz you WILL feel that constantly.

[@glennoconnor1130]

Where do you get these tips from though? Theres nothing online to help you (not surprised).

[@hibye-fv5jg]

Glenn O'Connor There is battery interventions programs

[@maitebenegas4704]

@@glennoconnor1130 therapy

[@AstridrLove]

I am here trying to recover from an abuser that has no idea how bad he hurt me. Trying to understand the abuser is dangerous, yes.. BUT I AM SO HAPPY to see someone wake up to facts. To all of you here recovering from yourselves, thank you. So much love.

[@meganlewis8419]

My partner and I have come to terms with the fact we’ve been emotionally abusive towards each other and this video really helped. Thank you for your vulnerability.

[@stevencurtis9387]

I emotionally and physically abused my ex partner. I recently came out of prison and fully deserved the consequences. every day is a nightmare living with what I have done and nothing can change the agony and pain I caused her. I hope change is possible. Thankyou for the video.

[@rasdasa]

Hope you're better dude.

[@oliviaeberhart24]

Change is possible. I believe in you ❤

[@AdeptusSpikey]

I got woken up today for first time in 18years to the fact i was an emotional and physical abuser to my ex. I had a beautiful lady and have lost her now. I am so devistated and ashamed of myself. I like you have been so close to suicide recently and now with the help of my ex am getting over that part now. I have a therapy session Next week for depression but now i'm going to change that to deal with my abusive nature. Funny thing is i thought it was the cannabis i had been doing for 20+ years but now i know that was just part of the problem which is why, a month ago i finally quit it completely but it just took one of my problems away long enough to see the truth about what i had become as a person. Anyway i would like to say your videos have been a massive light in my darkest hours. My ex is now in a long distance relationship and i asked her if she was happy and she said she was and for the first time i was actually truely happy for her that she was going to be treated right for a change and not like i treated her and that for some reason made me happy for once. Again thank you.

[@angelh7703]

If you're abusive you can't do whatever you wanna do, because what you wanna do is hurt someone else. If you're abusive you crave authoritive roles at all times, too much authority, abuse along with fear is a lethal, toxic mix that will lead you to jail/prison, constant breakups, constant failed marriages, constant fall outs with those you care most about. One thing abusive people fear most.... VULNERABILITY!!! Confessing one's own weakness or character flaws and hidden corruption to one's own self is a difficult thing to do. Abusive people were probably always looked down upon and spent their entire lives trying to fit I with the world and to prove to others that they are a valuable person, that they're interesting and charming and amazing and not that hidden, deep evil party of themselves that they never dealt with. That inner evil has been sitting in the empty recesses of their hearts and just festering with every negative interaction they've had with others and grew worse and worse overtime until the individual was so full of pride that they were blind to it, but never understood why every interaction dealing with them always ending up with others as well as them getting hurt. Why does every social interaction involving me includes someone somewhere getting hurt? That should be the question they ask. Am I inherently evil or did I become this way? I can imagine this thought has appeared in their mids.

[@chloethemessenger]

Angel H well said

[@mganguly7]

Thank you for this video. I have been realizing that I have turned from the abused to the abused. I look forward to hearing more of this.

[@Hbcdehjkidc]

Thank you for doing this video. Its nice to see something for that abuser personality, instead of just acting like that person is deserving of no love or assistance.

[@cruise_missile8387]

I was psychologically abused growing up and through my first marriage (18-23) and now I'm having to own up to the fact that I've become an abuser as well and just how bad of one I am. I don't even know how to begin to change, I'm still coming to grips with the fact that I'm the same kind of horrible POS that tortured me for so long in my early years. I kept telling myself that I do sweet loving things at times and don't physically abuse so I wasn't really an abuser. But I am and it's destroying the first good relationship I've had in years (I'm 33 now). I have never hated who am I as much as I do right now.

[@dawngeddisallyn5911]

Bravo! Well said! We are not defined by who we were but who we become. God bless you.

[@DigitalPraise7]

Dawn Allyn amen.

[@mela4082]

Thank you for this. I just admitted today that I am emotionally abusive to my partner and I really needed to hear from another person who has been there. I want to change and I want to connect with other people who have perpetuated abuse that also want to change

[@mushroom4978]

I am abuser and gaslighter. I lost all I loved at once. I don’t feel as I deserved any better than be miserable till death.

[@leahmae7199]

@@mushroom4978 I was an emotional abuser. My boyfriend of nearly two years admitted that to me a few days ago when he said he wanted to take a break. And it hurt. It still hurts. It killed me inside to know that I was the problem all along. But I know that I deserve love. Just as you deserve love. We all deserve love. The first step of getting better is understanding and accepting what you've done. And now it's time to change. It's time to grow. It's time to be humble and learn. we all make mistakes and we all hurt each other, but it does not mean you deserve to suffer. You are loved, and cared for. Even if it doesn't seem like it at times. I know the feeling, and it's hard to accept love after I realized that I was an emotional abuser, but do not push love out. Bring love in, and give nothing but love back. I hope everything is okay now, I know your reply was 2 months ago, but I hope all is well with you.

[@zyragr]

@@leahmae7199 Hey I got teary eyed reading your comment and it also resonated with me. I realized I am an emotional abuser too, what steps are you taking towards change? Thank you

[@zedolvero4515]

We need more videos like this ✊🏻 I recently saw huge cracks in the way most modern societies respond to abuse that you can’t SEE. I attained a DVRO for mental/emotional/verbal abusive incidents, and there were very few preventative options available in addressing the original problem from which the abusive actions toward me stemmed: the state of his mental health and the unaddressed traumas he himself endured as a child. We all rush in when the body’s in danger. Meanwhile, our minds are bleeding out… Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to show emotion on camera. One of the most masculine and strong things a person can do is admit fault and be open and patient enough to changing no matter what stage of life they may be in. I salute you my friend 🤙🏻

[@cam72620]

Mate, this is absolutely brutal. Currently going through all this and this video has been a massive help with my understanding of it all. I just hope I can learn to be a better person to my partner before it's to late. Thank you.

[@2ndskinshannonhulllmt259]

This is so refreshing and enlightening. I have been a victim of abusers my entire life. I have even been abusive myself (not having the skills to handle certain things properly)...to my horror everytime. We need more past abusers to come forward and do just what you are. Being a Christain...what are your thoughts on repentance, & reparations...in regards to abuse visited upon others?

[@adamthegolem4711]

I just had my eye opening experience a couple of weeks ago. You could have been talking about me in this video. Thank you, this is the first time I don’t feel alone.

[@alexsinclair2012]

I started to go down the cycle of being an abuse individual since the age of 18.. When I decided to get revenge for all that I faced with manipulation and games.. Until today, 21 now.. and lost a partner very dear to me who gave me her all, But I tore it down.. It's long due for change, hanging onto past vengeance and hate will rot you from the inside out, and only now I came to realize that

[@ambsslashtimm127]

My partner left me a couple weeks ago and we talked today and I’ve known for a long time about how shitty I’ve been, but it still hurt so much to hear it from them that I’ve sexually assaulted them and been really abusive in most other ways the pain of knowing this and not being able to anything is crippling.

[@kerelle6813]

From someone on the receiving end of emotional abuse, I am so thankful that you are willing to share your experiences and help people understand in a kind way how to heal. I don't think it is constructive for anyone to attack others or themselves over previous behaviors or patterns. I appreciate that you distinguish between "former abuser" and a current label of "abuser" because I think that truly matters. I'm sure it takes a lot of humble courage to speak out about this, but I believe this will help change so many lives! I hope not only will this help heal relationships for people who have suffered from being emotionally abused, but that it allows people to grow and love themselves after realizing they have acted in abusive ways. No one deserves to feel so badly about themselves - and I know for some seeking justice from their abuse, that might be harder to acknowledge even abusers deserve to move forward and love themselves. Especially from a more spiritual or Biblical perspective, we all deserve love, we all deserve to feel worthy, but also can all benefit from seeing where we've strayed from what we wish to be or do and growing to change. So thank you!!

[@iamsusi]

I know it's been a long time since you posted this. I have realized that I've been unintentionally emotionally abusive towards someone I love but have an anxious attachment style with. I've told her I will change and do better many times but I have failed. Now she has become kind of reactively abusive and things just got worse. Maybe I haven't really put in the work needed to change. I needed to be more humble and understanding to realize that her behaving that way was a consecuence of my actions. Of course her actions hurt me too, but she has been hurt before by me and she's just trying to protect herself. And I'm sure, she, just as me, didn't mean for things to reach this point. I feel awful and it seems like things are almost over... Or maybe just over. I really need to work hard for real, be patience, accept things take time, and be open to accept whatever she decides at the end. I just hope she can forgive me or at least stop hating me one day. So THANK YOU for saying that, for showing compassion and understanding despite being once on the receiving end of abuse. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🙏🏽

[@boondockpaint]

My wife of 3 years just left me a week ago. I don't know where she is, she blocked my phone, and I am petrified. Looks like divorce is imminent. I admit I'm an abuser. I was severely emotionally abused as a child and now I see how it has destroyed my marriage. I hurt her real bad. Still don't know why I did it. I need to tell my mom how she helped ruin my life, but I'm afraid I'll lose my relationship with her also.

[@vaniakeane3054]

I'm sorry to hear that and I hope your wife is okay and I'm sorry to hear about your mom and I fully understand that these things make you who you are as a person but accept responsibility like you're doing now and keep going forward and don't let yourself blame her and fully let it on her, this is not a judgement on you I promise and I hope you get better soon

[@boondockpaint]

@@vaniakeane3054 thanks

[@sweetkimmy7463]

I'm so proud of you! Some people go their entire life without taking a second look at their behavior. You are a true inspiration

[@Pielobyte]

I'm only a continuation of the cycle of abuse My mom gave this to me and it's up to me to end the cycle of pain

[@howdyfucker443]

Same situation here I hope all goes well with you

[@zer0creative930]

This is one of the most real videos I have ever watched with you describing your internal experiences and you walked me through it all. I applaud your courage for yourself and to share. It's meaningful. Please do keep doing videos. It's helping me. Thank you.

[@kattnorris8487]

Austin. It seems as though you have disappeared. I hope you are well. Your book changed my perspective therefore my life. Thank you.

[@kittyrabies]

I'm only 15 and I'm glad I realized this early that I am emotionally abusive, I hope i can recover..

[@halloween482]

I am an abuser. I'm verbally abusive to my family members. Growing up, I honestly felt like me and my siblings were neglected, and this created a situation where my older siblings were allowed to torment me. My twin brother processed things differently and he really wasn't affected, but for me, it formatted my way of being and thinking. People don't realize how pervasive sibling relationships are. You're around them and learn from them far more than people give it credit. And, since I didn't get the adequate love that I needed as a child, their treatment fucked me up. I blocked myself off from creating genuine relationships because I didn't trust anyone, and when you fear everything thing, you can't live properly. I never felt safe or protected. I'd sit up in my room at the young age of at least 5, and tell myself why I couldn't be a certain way or do certain things so that no one could hurt me. I created a masque of myself to protect myself from the world, to the extent that I didn't know myself. I still don't. What I do know is I'm angry, and sad, and scared. I'm so afraid of the world that I've never been in a relationship, never kissed a boy. My first job was this past summer, I'm 22. I'm in college but that's it, and I only have one close friend. So, I'm angry. I've become the villain. I have a toxic relationship with my 10 year old niece and mother, my mom has told people that I'm just "jealous". My niece is the most disrespectful person I have ever met. I live with them and everyday is exhausting. Today I screamed how ugly, and unloved she was after she started talking shit to my mom because she's trying to get her off the phone and KZbin (she swears and tells my mom to shut up). She's so disrespectful that I can't really explain how enraging it is. I yelled she didn't have friends or anyone. She's a hard person to be around so even her "dad"(who's a piece of shit and is part of the reason she's like this, also my older brother) can't stand her, nor her teachers, or the girls at school she wishes she was friends with. I hate that I've become my brothers, because I understand why she's the way she is. I know it's not truly her fault but the things she says and does makes me feel like killing myself. She makes life unbearable. And with the shit from my mom, everyday I feel like fucking dying. I do try, which is why I stay in my room like a literal hermit most days. But every few months it gets to me. There was an incident with my mom and niece last year, where she called the police on me because I told her to pick up literal spilled milk. It did major damage to me. I couldn't trust these people before, but now? I feel like I'm living with enemies. My mother didn't care when my brother punched me in the face in front of my friends or how it felt like torture when she left me with them. But she has the audacity to tell my niece to call the police on me?! I haven't been the same since. I rage so hard now and I'm out of control. I'm a bitch and overall bad person. I don't see things working out much longer. I'm so tired. I wanna sleep forever.

[@danielclavijo5547]

Hey

[@lilyhinton4166]

Girl you have to get out of there.... I understand where you’re coming from you

[@al7188]

halloween482 for you to heal you need to get out of your toxic environment.

[@al7188]

halloween482 for you to heal you must leave your toxic environment. Save and get urself a separated space. Focus on yourself and heal and learn totrust others. There are good people out there. We just need to see them for who they are.

[@joelprive3458]

Im only 20 and can relate exactly

[@sandranl5970]

Me too

[@nupreznz]

Same man

[@meganreynoldz530]

What made us like this?

[@CindyWarren2004]

I m 16. Mine is bcz of my mom

[@kadensenseless8776]

@@meganreynoldz530 have you had a past where you were around abuse?

[@CasandraCrowe]

Thank you for being courageous to post these videos. This is the direction we need to go with this.

[@Speed001]

Do you ever worry that you're abusive? Or that you could be abusive? I'm not even in any relationship, but I do worry that I could be if were. I never see anything about how to change, how to work towards improving yourself. I really think that there should be more resources or at least attention on how to help those that want to help themselves or prevent the symptoms of abuse that so many videos focus on. Yeah, there are hundreds of thousands of videos on what to look out for. How to label something as abusive. But I have never seen any videos before this video that even addressed what it is like if you are abusive and want to change.

[@guaranagaucho3071]

Rest in power Austin. I always come back to your videos, you were seemingly the only person on KZbin that gets it and keeps abusers accountable. I needed your videos so much the year I realized what I was. I haven’t spoken to the person I abused since really understanding the wisdom and mindset you tried to impart to us. It was hard to accept and I kept trying to bother them, but eventually I stopped. You saved my life to an extent. I would hate to still be ignorant of my abuse, I am so embarrassed and ashamed of the examples of abuse that flood my mind daily, weekly, and monthly.

[@Trstevens318]

I appreciate your content. Hard to find something like this, as opposed to the usual "how to leave your abusive partner" videos. Greatful for your perspective and to see someone who has redirected their mindset. Makes me feel inspired and able to do it for myself and my lady.

[@fiancefreedomjourney]

I am physically abusive, I was molested and sexually abused as a child, and I watched my father beat on my mum, I was never abusive until I met my partner now, he sexually hurt me when I first met him, and I just snapped, I began beating him...on a regular, I couldn't control it, but I felt ashamed and disgusted of myself and what I've became, I realised I will lose him and lose myself if I let my demons win, I didn't do it for a long time, we are both happier and I didn't know how much it would fix, I see him flinch sometimes, and I feel the guilt come back, I have to remind him everyday I'm not that person anymore, I've helped him fix his problems and I had to fix my own..that behaviour never ends well.. we can all change if we want it bad enough.. we are better than the Demon that drives us

[@joelgarcia7853]

Im an abusive partner to my former girlfriend who did nothing but love me unconditionally . we just split up and its to late now

[@jamesvelazquez1004]

🖤

[@Detailsmatter123]

I’m going through the same stuff right now... how are things now with you?

[@brennanleyen]

I’m an emotionally abused woman. I am so strong, so capable and loving that I wouldn’t believe I was being abused. But, I suffered and suffered for years and so do our young kids… and we didn’t even know why. He doesn’t accept that he is abusive. Thank you for your eye-opening videos. Good job helping 🤗 the Lundy book has been my best resource for healing and realizing it’s not my fault- not my instigation.

[@XxxX-wx3er]

Abusers: I abused people and I know it, and I’ll never give a thought to how those I abused are suffering and missed out on the lives they cherished, but I free myself and live myself to the fullest, please acknowledge me and love me.

[@dennisstevenson1608]

What is your family supposed to do while you spend a year or two learning things? Shouldn’t you focus on the people to whom you were abusive instead of yourself? Provided they still want you around, of course. I’m learning that for abusive people who’s loved ones haven’t left yet it is very important to be selfless. It can be a struggle because abuse is almost always centered around selfishness. But focusing on those you hurt and helping them feel safe again should be priority one.

[@corymccollett1427]

I cannot begin to tell you how much this video resonates with me. It’s been a year since anyone commented but if you still check here I would like to know how I could get in touch with you.

[@howdyfucker443]

Same

[@donnalevey6040]

It was good to hear your perception and interesting that you gave a perfect description of the same process that a recipient of abuse goes through to heal, forgive and accept. This is the best talk I've ever heard on Unity

[@luisjimenez3984]

Thank you Austin I just woke up and it really sucks to have this label but I believe in Christ and I will get clean and I’ll be what the lord intended for me to be again thank you so much and god bless you.

[@phasepackmusic274]

My now ex girlfriend left me about a month ago because of my abusive behavior. I want to thank you for making this content because there’s not a lot of this out there for those who are actually trying to change and get help. I’ve been getting help and have been working to become better, so that I may become a better version of myself and recognize/recover from my past hurtful behavior.

[@scarletbegonias8157]

You explain exactly what I’m going through. Everything. I’m looking for a way to get healthy bc there’s a man I love too much to keep on this path.

[@justred5164]

Sometimes deliverance hurts so bad. You feel like your at the edge and all it would take is a feather to push you completely off the ledge… the cleansing can be painful but worth it….God knows what you need…God bless you brother. Keep on telling your testimony because it helps a lot🙏🏽

[@Bittzen]

It's unfortunate my girlfriend is too narcissistic and hypocritical to admit she is emotionally abusive even after I call her out, watch videos and show her, take notes and give them to her, and even paid to meet doctors to find out how to fix this. She caused so much pain in my life, but in the beginning, she was the best part of it. I finally realized that I can't fix everything, it's her mind and her body, so if she wants to stop being emotionally abusive, closed minded, and inconsiderate, then she needs to do that herself. My problem, however, is that I don't want to give up on her because I know everyone can change, so I want to help her and be there when she does change. There was one time where she hit me and I accidentally hit back, and ever since then, anytime I tell her she's emotionally abusive or hurts me, she says I did it first and can't forget about that one that. She was emotionally and verbally abusing me before that, though. She just can't see it, hindsight, showing her videos, or even having witnesses. She just says she didn't mean it that way and I think too much, or no she didn't tell at me or she admits her tone got a little bit bad she'll say, or she will outright say nothing even happened. It's dwindling my sanity and thought about suicide, but what stopped my was knowing she isn't worth doing that over. I'm not like that anymore, just stressed as hell now and can barely focus on work. She is Chinese and doesn't speak the best English, I speak some Chinese as well, but it's not a language barrier like everyone will tell me if I talk about this. I literally live in Chinatown and work in an all Chinese office, so I get along with everyone else fine. Me and her didn't always have these issues; I've deduced it's her lack of communication that didn't always exist with me. She once looked at me when I talked to her, she'd ask questions while I talk with her, she'd make responses, she'd nod her head, she'd listen even if she doesn't understand all the words, she'd stop and even translate things sometimes to make sure we're on the same page. I still do all these with her, but she stopped and says she didn't.

[@kristentaninah510]

Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. This is so needed ❤️

[@sonicsoftly]

Thank you SO much for your perspective. There are very little resources for Men who want to get better after waking up to the nature of their abusive patterns. Without that, it feels so dark and alone. I want to be a loving partner. I want to be a better man. I don't want to get divorced.

[@millionthyoutubegamer6028]

Thank you. Incredible insight. And such a difficult subject to discuss and confront. Its essential to have a harmonious life for those that we love around us and for ourselves. It's ok to want inner peace. Commendable Sir.

[@ambitionsskyyyy]

Thank you Austin, I’m an abuser and I want to change.

[@mushroom4978]

I am abuser. I want change. Did you succeed? How?

[@ambitionsskyyyy]

@@mushroom4978 I am better, ‘guided meditation’ helps and also making conscious efforts to remain calm and positive in general. KZbin can help you, look up guided meditation, staying calm, positive affirmations etc. If you have anymore questions just ask

[@IamKateIsabella]

Is anyone else here watching this hoping to find help for their abusive partner

[@becheruauroraelena6142]

I am sincerely proud of you. You are spiritually mature

[@g.lampkin9624]

This shit made me cry. This video woke me up. Everything I was thinking you said right after. Before u mentioned crying I had to stop the video cuz my eyes were balling. Man some men don’t even know this shit is fucked up

[@oneiione]

Thank you for being vulnerable and admitting your flaws, it’s so important because sometimes I think we really pathologize abusers and call them monsters which is understandable from a place of trauma. But where healing can take place is when we can see that everyone that does harm is still a human being doing what they’ve learned to do to cope or feel in control of their life. Which doesn’t justify anything, but realizing where your behavior comes from is such an important step toward change. I was a victim of almost all types of abuse and I still hope my abusers are able to one day realize what they are doing and have the strength to change. I hope this video finds the right people and I want everyone to remember you can’t change the past but you can make changes to yourself so you do better in the future ❤

[@kellyoneill189]

I'm glad you finally took off your hat, Austin. You truly filled a need that no one else had with this channel and people are clearly grateful. I hope you're well.

[@dh1474]

He passed away 4 years ago.

[@charmainwilliams-farrar2559]

Thank you for your transparency. Be blessed brother!

[@rosserscott4376]

My wife divorced me. Says she will never give me another chance. I got on medication for anxiety and depression. Been in therapy for the last 7 months. I admit my faults and have sincerely apologized. I am at the lowest point in my life for the pain I've caused my wife and kids. I hate myself for it. I just can't get past this. Would anyone have any words of encouragement please!

[@mindofganza]

different now, amazing! But how do I forgive myself? Everybody tells me that I need to forgive myself, but I just don't feel I have the power to do so. Almost like I don't have the right. But I'm dying for closure.

[@chloethemessenger]

Be gentle with yourself. That inner dialogue of self doubt and negative talk is often what leads people to do and say things they don’t mean. Nurture yourself and see a spiritual healer. Some issues are related to dark entities pushing you to act out of character. Also begin to go do good deeds. Give back, apologize to those who’ve you’ve hurt. You’ll feel the burden of guilt relieved then, ask God forgiveness and trust me your life WILL change.

[@jackier3674]

What would you say to someone you love? Have you tried a letter of forgiveness to yourself? Remember its a process, forgiveness evolves.

[@adamdavid1]

Thank you for this video, Austin.

[@Nitronerd]

Powerful share, bro. Identical story, here. I'm two weeks after the reality slammed and crushed me.

[@waynelitchkowski2389]

Thank you so much. My girlfriend left me and said I hurt her alot emotionally so she left. I'm coming to terms with my behavior.