Emotional Affairs: What You Need to Know

Emotional Affairs: What you need to know is that they are both super common and misunderstood.
In this video we share what emotional affairs are, how to recognize them, and the three things you need to heal from them.
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Monika Hoyt, LICSW | Monika Hoyt helps couples and individuals whose marriages are on the brink transform their relationships from the inside-out. She focuses on changing limiting beliefs, building emotional connection, and getting on the same team for life.
This channel covers topics like how to trust in a relationship, how to deal with narcissistic personality disorder or emotional abuse in relationships, and how to prevent divorce.
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Join the Private FB Group for Marriage Support: / healthyauthenticmarriages
Website: monikahoyt.com
FB Page: / couplescure

[@ThePossumone]

It’s attention people seek Not necessarily sexual Validation from someone outside ( who doesn’t have to deal with the realities of life ) It’s pathetic and broken Causes so much pain 😢

[@rebellucy6200]

Often emotional affairs often lead to sexual affairs. It really does not matter because both are just as damaging and painful to to innocent partner. Watch for Narcissistic personality traits when beginning a relationship. That is a good indicator of a future affair.

[@juozupaitis]

This was my life...my partner had an EA with a coworker...it destroyed me. But sadly, it was the bomb I needed to become less codependent and become more self-sufficient for all my needs (physical, spiritual, emotional). Sadly I knew something was up in the beginning & spoke up about it...but I wasn't good at enforcing boundaries and he was caught up in the limerence with me as the threat to him "finally feeling happy in life". Thankfully he came out of it (once I was ready to walk away from him) & we are working on building a new relationship & healing childhood stuff in both our lives.

[@ByronCoolie-ef6ql]

Same here

[@user-cg7gh4bk7z]

Thank you for speaking on this subject. It's huge and it Is the first step down the road to infidelity. Emotional Intimacy to me is the bedrock of a relationship. Emotional betrayal... It leaves you alone.

[@shamimtemour]

I feel your heartache, this almost destroyed me 😔

[@mariepierce2849]

In my previous experience, it began with my husband and another woman sharing about their wounds while we were almost to the point of divorce. The woman was in a seriously abusive relationship with no intentions of her leaving. The affair was developing into their sexual thoughts and desires. I was hurt but I couldn't believe and was actually disgusted that he would involve himself in this kind of situation. She was in danger of serious violence which had already occurred in her recent past. He almost had a sense of rescuing her which to me was in a sense sick and twisted. My husband and I were well aware of what our issues were but I was very late to the party. Even though i knew and was truly working to change, I was willing to continue to do my best and show him my true love. I knew I can't change his mind but in the end the work was about me. I have not brought up the relationship because I don't feel the need to. I was confident but not self righteous about my self worth and willing to let him go. In short, we are doing so well and still working towards communicating.

[@judithjackson1086]

In tears 😔 dealing with this and emotional disconnection...so confused and crying alot

[@QS-si3cq]

*a lot. It's two words, not one.

[@battisegreene7928]

Me too 😪

[@lmarie3834]

In my case, I walked away from a 30 yr. marriage because there was no way to ever regain trust with him. He was caught in what turned out being a 6 yr emotional affair, if not more (he's a chronic liar so who knows).

[@joannedobkin3363]

I saw a text message from a female coworker asking for a walk/talk date with my husband when he was next at the office. I was not ok with it. In groups fine but an opposite sex coworker alone that’s a boundary. Then the texts were deleted. Who did this woman think she is asking my man to walk with him alone ? Ladies married men are in an intimate relationship already called marriage. Apparently her marriage has no limits. How ballsy of her to push her type of marriage onto mine. Ladies stay in “your” lane. Chat walk with other ladies or your own husband. My husband thought nothing of conversation and walking until I told him how it hurt me. Always ask yourself would you like it if the other half were doing the same ? If the answer is no then turn down invitations to exercise alone with the opposite sex. Strong marriages can handle the truth. Tell your spouse if you don’t like those get togethers. The marriage will be stronger for it.

[@sarcasticcat4982]

Your husband "thought nothing of the conversation and walking"? So what would he have thought if a male coworker had asked the same of you? Would he still think nothing of it? It baffled me that he thought nothing of it. Especially in this day and age where sexual harassing is so commonly accused , whether it be true or not. Something is wrong with a man who has no guard against another woman asking such things. Why was she so emboldened? What message is he sending at work? WTF?

[@ggenova79]

I'm writing to my partner to end things right now. My partner can't seem to see past her own wants and needs. We have tried multiple couples therapy and each have our own therapist. I'm done.

[@tigermagda]

Usually it develops from conversation and then comes sexual tension. It's not a good parh for commited people. It is infidelity.

[@CDot300]

I NEED HELP THIS DEFINITELY GAVE ME INSIGHT

[@BlueRidgeJ79]

I suspect my wife, but I really want to build the tools within myself to rebuild our relationship before I even consider having a talk. We're separated for two months, so I'm giving her space and definitely don't want to push her away. We still have a very friendly relationship. However, if the day comes when she tells me she wants to work on our relationship, that conversation will need to happen. Looking forward to my call tomorrow.

[@michelleclark1293]

My husband of 22yrs had an emotional affair with one of my best friends. It went on for at least 6 months( that’s what they admit to) I just confronted him 3 weeks ago and he admitted to it. I had my suspicions 5 months ago, but chose to not believe that they could do something like that to me. We have figured out the “why” part, but I am having a hard time dealing with this. We are both willing to put in the work to make our marriage work, and become better than it ever was. I just can’t stop going over the proof that I found in my head. I’m having a really hard time because I have lost trust in my husband and I have lost a best friend. I have people that I talk to, but the sadness and anger is overwhelming. Do you have any advice for me?

[@scheraqhassim3150]

Same here...ugh I don't know what to do

[@videobrownsville]

Sorry that you experienced this. Question, what was your initial suspicion that something was going on?

[@michelleclark1293]

@@videobrownsville I had suspected something was going on when she commented on a story that I knew(thought) my husband had only told me. I chose to tell myself that somehow she must have overheard the story. I was in complete denial.

[@ringoortiz4585]

I was stuck on feeling sorry for myself and the many questions that went unanswered, I never realized that SHE stayed, there's a period of anger, sadness, depression, anxiety and even relapses. But if your partner is willing to do the work, communication, compassion and commitment is a must. It's okay to let him know how you feel without attacking him, believe me when I tell you this. You don't have to start over, just move forward and really work on the marriage,

[@user-ex3mx7hk4l]

💗

[@shamimtemour]

My husband of 22 years was/is in an emotional affair with his childhood sweetheart. They connected again through her family and they are both quite toxic individuals, unfortunately. They both love the attention and secrets they disclose. She’s on her 4th husband who she sees once a month and my husband worked nights, so they were both free to chat for hours. Our marriage was difficult due to his lack of empathy and selfishness, so this really destroyed me because I always tried my best with him. I was becoming not just emotionally ill, but physically ill too as he refused to stop contact with her, it was going on for months. I had no choice but to give an ultimatum due to the silent treatment he was giving our kids and myself when I brought up my concerns and heartache. He left and is still obsessed with her. I know it’s childish, but I want them to break each other’s hearts and regret their disgusting behaviour 😔🤍🤍

[@juozupaitis]

I think people who have EAs are in pain regularly...but yeah...let's hope karma is real.

[@videobrownsville]

Do you want him back? If so why? ...... The root of all emotional affairs is the ability to freely communicate with someone who understands and shows empathy towards me.... Does your relationship fit that definition?

[@user-ex3mx7hk4l]

I don’t think it’s childish at ALL to want them to break each other’s heart and regret what they did! That is EXACTLY what I prayed for on a regular basis when my Man cheated - and it worked. I wanted that relationship corrupted from the inside out so that they wouldn’t feel forced apart (like Romeo & Juliet.) I prayed for them to fall out of ‘love’ and to turn away from each other. It 100% worked - they saw sides of each other never seen before. And when the ‘ugly’ came out, they wanted nothing to do with each other any more. God specializes in healing broken hearts. And he hears ALL of our prayers. The Bible says we must persist in prayer. He can heal it ALL. God bless you and your family. 💕

[@adrenalinjunky1]

Great talk there. My girlfriend has a gay friend that’s she talks to a lot. They are like best friends and I’m struggling with the idea that she opens up to another man even though he’s gay and no threat to me. They do say to each other that they love each other very much much. Figuring out a way of dealing with this at moment. She can’t see why it bothers me because this dude is gay and no threat. Any thoughts?

[@obeone96]

This is why these things continue to happen, because all you do is make excuses for your shameful actions.

[@ThePossumone]

Oh my gosh been through all of this Cannot change him Cannot fix it So sad Tragic. 😅

[@arlenegilbert6103]

My spouse has been going to a therapist that is newly divorced for four years & they are friends now & she hired him to tutor her child. He's also hiding her texts. How should I approach this?

[@terrywade3696]

Arlene Gilbert: Whoa! That’s a conflict of interest! Therapists aren’t supposed to be involved with their patients on a personal level at all! Is he seeing the “therapist” as a patient or is he seeing her on the side and she happens to be a therapist?

[@MrsBotany.]

You need to report her to the licensing board of your state! That is incredibly unprofessional! She should be reprimanded and put on a probationary status.

[@arlenegilbert6103]

Thanks for the replies. It validated my thoughts. I set boundaries with him with more than one incident that occurred. I also told him that forgiveness is free but trust must be earned. I also explained to him that it was unprofessional of her & how I could report her to the board. She has been his therapist for 4 year's so naturally he doesn't want to start all over with a new therapist. He discussed with her about how I felt & now she does not text him. I think she realized that her license isn't worth jeopardizing.

[@terrywade3696]

@@arlenegilbert6103 She doesn’t have to text him. She can call him or see him whenever she wants! Is he still tutoring her child? She’s still not protecting her license. Inappropriate!

[@arlenegilbert6103]

No his is not tutoring her daughter. I nipped that in the butt after 2 sessions. His phone is underneath my account & he does not has access to it so I monitor his calls & texts. We've be married for 18 year's & dated for 6 before then. He has a lot to loose if he wants to play stupid again. For now I feel like he knows I have boundaries about this & that I won't put up with it.

[@DD-kn5kg]

That’s me emotional affair with ex but they have kids together we been married 5 years . So I feel very betrayed because I found phone calls and messages I couldn’t read them but just how many and there were a lot daily . He don’t want me to leave and he don’t want to live with her so he says ..His kids live with us . I’m very hurt and very lost as to what to do because financially I’m at a disadvantage right now .

[@BB-ct4dt]

Everyone always refers to the opposite sex. Couldn't this also happen with same sex?

[@Colak2702]

Flirts are the first step who leads to emotional and last but nit least the final physical relation or so called cheating. Everybod denied this my theorie but you see how it works day by day and if you cant break iff suddenly it becomes what it will be and we are in a real cheating story.

[@Tbn48ibp]

My guy has an emotional Connection to his cousins wife. She calls a lot and writes things like “when can I see you .” It bothers me. I don’t think they are physical but I know it’s too close a connection because he’s regularly talking to her

[@181asma]

If you are in relationship with a narcissist you definitely should have emotional affair. And seek support

[@jaydixson1731]

My best friend was doing an emotional affair with my ex best friend

[@hofmannx5]

Hello. I am seeking guidance on the subject of an emotional affair. My partner had an emotional affair 7 yrs ago and I thought we were good after counseling. Well, I found out a yr ago he had continued talking to this person for 6 yrs and was physical with her. We are trying to figure out how to work this out. The past yr I have had challenges as my mom died. I have suspected my husband is now having another emotional affair. What to do as he won't go to therapy. This podcast was informative.

[@shamimtemour]

My spouse can’t give up another woman. We were for together 22 years until he left due to an ultimatum...me or her. This woman was from his past and he was in contact with her 13 years ago, but I was able to stop it before it went too far, but he sought her out again last October. I wonder if you are going through a stage where he is being cruel with his affair too. This for me is something that nearly destroyed me. I do think you need to do whatever is best for you and your family. I held on, but he just didn’t care enough to stop his contact with her. If they don’t see a problem with their behaviour or care for our emotions and way of life, then what sort of relationship do we have with them. I do hope you find what is best for you 😔🤍🤍

[@juozupaitis]

I'm not a therapist but I've been dealing with this... I think it's not enough to fix the marriage...they are missing something & need to try to meet that need for themselves or in a healthy way (be vulnerable in a men's group, make friends, volunteer)...we may not be able to meet all of their needs but there are other ways to meet them. In our sitch, there was childhood neglect & my partner isolated & didn't have many friends in his adult life. Best wishes.

[@hofmannx5]

@@shamimtemour Thanks for the kind words. I agree that in the end, I will do what is best for me. I will do my best to be mature, civil and kind as I journey on this long road. Thanks

[@hofmannx5]

@@shamimtemour Thanks for your words and support. I will journey on and figure out what is best for me in the end.

[@angiemonczunski4201]

My husband got close to step sister when his dad was dying and shared issues in our marriage bit never told me these issues when his dad died he didn't want me to ne there with him but I found out hos step sister was there and comforted him instead of me but he thinks this isn't wrongis this emotional betrayal

[@eleanortrinidad4403]

This is the most interesting and knowledgeable video regarding emotional affair. I have been through this within our marriage and now understand what is an emotional affair and what causes this. This is the most difficult issue I've exspirenced in my life. My husband refused to tell ne the truth so I had to figure this out on my own. Told him he needed to end the affair with this strange woman he choosed to stay with until she ended it. He then had several other affairs and did the same thing and I never knew this. I was in complete shock,disbelief,and hurt. Over a year and counting and now he's trying to save his marriage 💑 All I can do us take one step ar a time ⏲️. Told him to leave and go be with the one he loves because I'm not going to tolerate his behavior. Thank you for addressing this topic because I have the confidence to move on with my life and my children.

[@user-ex3mx7hk4l]

Eleanor, I’m so sorry this happened to you & that your Man continued to step out on you. That is unconscionable! He was acting like a totally selfish, lying DIRT BAG. It is clearly ALL about HIM. God bless you and your children. 💕

[@tammiechadrick4299]

My spouse won't. Admit but I'm pretty sure. I won't our marriage to work. I'm stuck.

[@theruffledbunny2675]

My husband works with someone who talks to him and asks advice about HER marriage.. as far as I know there’s no texting (except work related) just talking at work.. don’t know what to make of that..

[@Feral.Latina]

You have to stop that immediately. My husband had a coworker friend who would constantly complain about her husband and about her family and her friends to him. He’s a nice guy and didn’t know how to tell her hes not comfortable having these conversations so it kept going on for months. He started to give her advice and then they became friends at work. They never talked outside of work, but their conversations was starting to be to frequent and then she would go to him for all her work issues and he became “Captain save a ho”, always being the person she would lean on at work. Next thing i know shes calling him her “work bestie”. I started to feel this was not normal, so I checked his phone and hacked into his Teams account ( his work chatting platform) and saw their conversations, I was gutted seeing how much time was spent talking with each other. Although there was never any sexual conversations but seeing my husband being so friendly with this woman and almost flirty with their inside jokes and teasing. Coworkers shouldn’t be talking to each other that much, it was half work and half personal conversations. I confronted my husband about what I found and at first he didn’t see it as nothing wrong. She’s “just a friend”. I told him that this went beyond being a “work friend”. Yeah they don’t talk outside of work, but it can lead to that. I told him he’s acting like boyfriend just without the sex at work, by being her emotional support lap dog, by grabbing lunch at the cafeteria together (although he says they have never eaten together, they just grab food and eat at their desks 🙄) taking water breaks to go fill up their water bottles together. I told him that looks like they have something going on, I work at an office environment and when ever we see a man and woman doing things together all the time, talking and joking with each other, my coworkers would think they were messing around. I told him now throw in the Teams Chats they have all day everyday 5 days a week, his coworkers only see what they do, if they knew how much they talked at work, they would think they were having a relationship. I told him he shouldn’t be that close to a woman who has issues in her marriage because if shes behaving this way and putting down her husband, she has no respect for her marriage and is looking for an outlet. Hes giving her that outlet and hea giving her all this attention that he should be giving to me. It might sound like im being controlling and I dont want my husband having friends, I don’t mind him having friends with women that have healthy marriages or relationships. My husband is not a therapist and he cant fix her problems. So I gave him a choice, he can continue to play “captain save a ho” and stay here “best friend” or he can be my husband and stop this “friendship” that could lead to something else. I told him he doesn’t know how she really views him, what happens if she makes a move on him, now he has to deal with those repercussions. Dont put yourself in a situation that could turn into something negative where it can harm your career and your marriage. He immediately stopped their friendship, just cut her off, pretty much ghosted her. I see the chats now and I see her trying to entrap him again, by asking him for help with her work and he tells her he’s busy to ask her supervisor. You only know what he tells you because he might not think its anything bad or wrong so he’s not sharing all the details, just like my husband thought he was just being a good friend, but these women know how to manipulate our nice and caring husbands and know they are too nice to be firm on boundaries and especially if the husband think its innocent, the husband will never know its wrong until its too late, so we need to be the one who lets them know why these things can’t happen. Good luck with your husband! Sorry for the long rant! 😅

[@LOWERCASEMAN]

He’ll end up hiding the sausage in her

[@DD-kn5kg]

What if they had long term relationship and kids ,she cheated on him left for other man ,he married me the guy left her she’s now single we have had a 5 year marriage kids live with us and it supposedly began with her asking for help with something he knew about a job and she was now doing . More than 3 months 1500 texts a month and tons phone calls . But he won’t leave to live with her and wants to stay married with me .

[@user-ex3mx7hk4l]

In my opinion, you need to draw a line in the sand. If you want him to change you need boundaries for the behavior you won’t tolerate. And your boundaries must be backed up with CONSISTENT consequences. Male cheaters seem to think if their life is not negatively impacted by their bad behavior then there is no need to change. Who cares if his Wife is upset? She hasn’t left, has she? The level of pain must increase to motivate him. Words don’t mean ANYTHING to a cheater. What gets their attention is ACTION. He won’t leave because he is comfortable having his cake and eating it too. The question is, how much of this crap are you going to put up with? What kind of consequences and boundaries are you going to have? If you don’t leave the marriage, and you don’t set boundaries and consequences, then it seems to me that you’re going to be doomed for this lifestyle for the rest of the foreseeable future. Is this the example you want to set for your children?

[@dnolan64]

I agree with you and boundaries are a must .Only problem today there are so many different means of communication that it's hard to be checking up on someone all the time .I have out my foot down he has made promises but he could be lying. I Won't know the real truth unless he starts acting off .

[@jonnel231]

How do I book a call?

[@maggie2sticks717]

There is a link to her website. Maybe there is some information there.

[@HedgeConnectFX]

24

[@swim610]

How can you tell when they delete texts. 😥

[@SkyGypsy]

The fact that they delete texts is one of the signs. Depending on the text app, sometimes texts are left in the trash for 30 days. Another symptom is the amount of intimacy (more often or less often), and other unexplained changes in behavior. They will also project things they are doing as if you're the one doing those things (gaslighting), they get really defensive, they're in denial. If you try to tell them how you're feeling they will try to blow you off - invalidate you - by saying things like, "Get over it," or, "Stop acting crazy," or, "You're trying to control me," but the main sign is Secrecy. What does your gut instinct tell you?

[@swim610]

Hes telling my im crazy and admits he likes to be sneaky. Its horrific.

[@SkyGypsy]

@@swim610 Well, I think you can tell what's going on. The question you really need to answer is, "What am I going to do about it?" My husband was in a horrible accident while I was out-of-state to be with my daughter when she was having her first child. When I got back 2-1/2 weeks later, he was different. Really different. One day, when we had gone to my mom's, I was in the kitchen and heard him telling her he didn't know what color my eyes were! There were chunks missing from his memory. In addition to the accident, this woman who worked for a client of ours had her hooks deep into him. I could tell she was phony but he couldn't see it. The way she acted was disgusting. She really didn't care about his marriage or his mental health for that matter. After knowing him for 2 months, she'd told him all about her personal life, including a rape story, her abusive ex-husband, how her family didn't like her, her battle with alcoholism, and that she'd been sober for 5 years (which turned out to not be true). He didn't even know her last name, and she'd shared all this. After I'd invested 35 years into our marriage, I wasn't about to let go. It wasn't really sex I was worried about, I was afraid he was going to fall in love with her. He was fairly vulnerable at this time. Nothing I tried was working, in fact, everything seemed to work against me. I made one mistake after another in my search for the truth. He was insulted and couldn't understand why I was asking him whenever I saw a discrepancy. He called me crazy, told me he "likes working with women, that they have fun together." I was really pushing him away and toward this pretender. It was like she was his new best friend and I wasn't. And it hurt. It hurt SO bad. Things came to a head when she tried to set me up and made out like she was scared of me and didn't want to call our business line for fear of me answering. She had always called & texted his cell phone from hers. The reception in our area was really spotty and she tried to reach him for 2 hours one day while their client sat there and waited. I had talked to her maybe 5 times, always polite, always in his presence. So I talked to her boss and told him I wanted to let her know that she could call on our business phone,, which was the easiest way to reach him. So with her boss's permission, I went to talk to her. Without waiting to hear what I had to say, she got right in my face and totally lost her s---. She was screaming at me, told me I was ridiculous, called me crazy, and ordered me off the premises. I turned to go and muttered that I wished my husband could see her now. She heard that and hit me with the eff word, but so viciously I'll never forget it. Before I even got home, she had texted my husband - which I was able to intercept - and said such BS! "Your wife just left, she was really upset, thinks that we are seeing each other, she's going to block our business # from your phone..." None of which was true, except that I had just left. But what really got me was her parting shot: "I'm sorry you have to deal with this." Dude! Don't you understand? I'm his wife, not something he has "to deal with". I showed him the text a couple months later. Still, STILL, he believed her version. And we'd stop by the jobsite after that, and she'd walk right up to his door, ignore me, and greet him as though nothing had happened. And he, right back at her. I felt like I meant nothing to him. I was lucky that the boss believed me, she had lied to him too. I think because I said I wished I had recorded it, and he said there was a security camera in the office but he didn't know how to use it, and I really pushed for that. Turns out she'd turned off the security system a month or two earlier. The girl lost her job all on her own. She walked off the job one day without having the front desk covered. Finally, I decided I would never know the truth and asked myself that question. I chose to stay because he's really a good guy, and we've invested so much time into each other, to be honest, the world is not kind to older women. So, I focused on him, on his healing and on loving him. He finally started trusting me again and opening up. It turns out that, for a number of reasons, he was hanging onto all these insecurities. So, I started to build him back up and let him know how extraordinary he was. And I was sincere as possible. He's always been a flirt and it never bothered me. What happened was he stopped doing it in front of me and took it all underground. I guess I was starting over on some level. It took quite a while. It was months before he would even listen to my version of What Happened THAT Day. And it was a rocky road. We'd tried couple's therapy early on for about 3 weeks and he didn't want to try it again. That meant we'd have to do it on our own, so I started researching about Emotional Affairs. I found out all kinds of things. This girl - he'd been inadvertently speaking her Love Language, by fixing things around the office. Well, he was the Maintenance guy, that's what he was paid to do. It's been almost 3 years since his accident, and he's starting to remember things again. He's more conscious of flirting and not leading girls on. We spend more quality time together. We've formed little habits, like kisses when one of us leaves the house, saying Good Morning, and Good Night. If you decide that the relationship is worth saving, but your man is at the point where he's gaslighting you, chances are he's not going to be open to therapy. But that shouldn't stop you from going. It'll help you feel better. It'll help to empower you. I wish you the best Sister.

[@user-ex3mx7hk4l]

@@swim610💔

[@radharaj9586]

​@@SkyGypsyI went through

[@deonlion]

💔

[@karinerroa7573]

Can two heterosexual men have an emot agfair

[@MonikaHoyt]

of course, why not?

[@videobrownsville]

Are you talking romantic or a bromance?

[@gh00stbeard]

Almost right. Flip-flop the pronouns.