Emotional Neglect in Marriage: How it Makes Relationships Go Wrong | Dr. Jonice Webb

[@ttsk]

Just watched this video and cried the whole way through. This is our marriage plus no daily meaningful interactions or small gestures of love towards each other. Its been such a long, painful road with negative memories that I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I honestly don't have it in me to try any more or put in any effort. A marriage where one person is full of anger, resentment, and feelings of loneliness whereas the other doesnt feel or see any of this, is a marriage that is beyond repair.

[@vickyd7541]

So familiar, I hear you.. I've been crying for as long as I remember. But don't despair or catastrophize . As painful as it is and may seem like a hopeless situation, I believe it's a very common type of relationship. In other categories it's a match between anxious (you) and avoidant (your spouse) attachment styles. I suspect that both of you experienced CEN but developed different coping strategies. Not promoting anything here, but I believe therapy, e.g. emotion-focused therapy, can be helpful if only the avoidant person is willing to look into their emotional needs which were repressed for decades. And if it can make you feel better - at least you are married. I'm not good enough for my partner to even formalize our union :(

[@ttsk]

@@vickyd7541 thank you so much for your detailed message. We did start therapy and it's definitely showed us many of the points you stated were the issue between us. He didn't know what I wanted because I would never tell him and I assumed that he should know what I need. We were definitely avoiding and coping with things the best we knew how. Things are much better, working with the right therapist is such a blessing

[@VanessaSimon26]

@@vickyd7541 wow! Thank you for sharing. For me it’s 20 years of emotional neglect and sexual neglect. I am so tired. I did step out of my marriage because I was starving for love last year. It has made it worse. I don’t know if we can repair this. What if it’s Comfortable for him to be angry and hate me? That way he keeps avoiding me even more. There is so much resentment from both sides. We need a miracle

[@samanthaloraine632]

This is me right now and i couldnt stop crying 💔

[@beckylloyd9267]

I'm 75 years old and still am dealing with emotional neglect. Your descriptions of a married life when both partners are dealing with emotional neglect is a picture of my life.

[@SgtD1981]

It’s hard to feel your feelings when you were basically raised not to feel anything. Nobody had time for feelings. Except, of course, for my mother, her feelings were the only ones that mattered.

[@theresajones8367]

Sounds strikingly familiar

[@AzEagletarian]

The loneliness in and during my brief marriage was pervasive. I often expressed my loneliness as complaining that my ex-spouse didn't "listen" to me.

[@Laughter17]

You are so right, it is subtle and invisible....once you understand it, you can heal yourself but nobody else understands why you dont have a loving feeling for your parents....

[@Alex-yk1cn]

I experience this too

[@love4uallone572]

Wow, you just described my marriage, my husband and I love one another but we are so bad at communicating our emotions. It even got to the point where I would avoid at all costs because it would just blow up and I couldn't deal with the confrontation. We're both getting better but this helps tremendously

[@ShawnKatherineAdair]

Sending this to him knowing it will never get watched

[@allaboutrap1]

Same

[@sierraadebisi2907]

This almost broke my soul… I’m sorry that you are going through that 😢🫶🏽 “greater things will ye do” IJN 🙏🏼

[@kbc1883]

The loneliest I’ve felt was on my honeymoon. He didn’t want to talk about the wedding or anything else on the 12 hr car ride. When we got there, there were finally none of the stresses or distractions that were always in the way before, just the two of us on vacation. He didn’t touch me at all, no affection, no connection. We weren’t mad., but there was just no engagement. It was soul crushing. And it was mostly like that while we were married. I remember being thrilled once when he cleaned the snow off my car on his own initiative . I felt so loved in that moment. I was so pleased with that tiny crumb because I was so starved. We divorced a few years later and I’ve never been in a long-term relationship since because it is far less lonely being single than it is being with someone who emotionally and physically rejects me.

[@SuperHerofunfacts]

I just left a emotionally neglectful women, when we got engaged she stopped being intimate, no kisses, no hugs, she would say " were in the same room, I need to touch you too ?

[@streaming5332]

Well explained. I did not have a marriage or a child. I feel uncomfortable trying to explain this when people ask if I have children. The non experience is not silent in this situation, it's a loud void.

[@kbc1883]

I can so relate! I don’t have children (I fit the Childless Not By Choice category) and I’m single for 25 yrs after a brief marriage at 22. The hole it leaves is hard. People don’t understand that the grief of not being a parent goes in waves and that void has impact. Thankfully I found Jody Day’s book and the international group called the Childless Collective and it helps having that community of others who totally get it!

[@Alex-yk1cn]

Hi Jonice, I have watched 4 or 5 of your videos so far, and what you describe feels eerily familiar!! I can see so clearly now how this has played out in my relationships, the part I have played in them and the partners and friends I have let into my life. I have done a lot of work over the past 10-15 years so I am so ready for your insight. I just read a comment from someone below, saying "nobody else understands why you dont have a loving feeling for your parents". Makes me feel sad to hear that, but also helps me feel that I'm not alone with my experience.

[@JillOsgerby]

Very helpful Jonice and thank you. My husband thinks emotions are wrong and a sign of weakness .... and I am too emotional. I have shut down communication apart from practical considerations in order to protect my ‘overly emotional’ self. It is sad but necessary.

[@GratefulDeb270]

Thank you for your books. Hubby & I were both neglected. We’re learning a lot working thru both of your books. Bless you! ❤

[@noeleen743]

We r divorced but my partner was emotionally unavailable. He suffered childhood trauma but never got therapy n became an alcoholic so we parted after 32 years. I held on as long as I could. Now i am left with a lot of resentment.

[@carolynmcmickle6728]

I’m 67, 3 long-term relationships, 2 marriages, now single 20 years. Now that I’ve seen your videos I realize that each of us had emotional neglect. Nothing was hideous, but I was lonelier in my relationships than I have been single. I fantasize about that wonderful close relationship, but I knew that I was somehow incapable of trusting and/or unwilling to be vulnerable enough to be really close. Your video has helped explain this for me. You are a comforting person, as is my therapist. Thank you very much.

[@l.5832]

I was ignored as a child. I am now in my mid 60s. Last Christmas I got no calls, no presents, and no cards. I have never ever gotten a promotion at work, despite being tops in sales and a reliable long term employee and I never had a child because I was afraid I'd be a terrible mother due to not having a good role model. I check all the boxes....I married a man who was also emotionally neglected and I thought that we could nurture each other but whereas I wanted connection that I never had growing up, he just pulled away and was walled off. We were bot neglected, but dealt with it differently.

[@hollyhoo3000]

I wish I had seen this video two years ago, before my husband left. I feel so bad now. I didn't realize what was happening with him, and I should have. I should have known 😢

[@pamelalang8488]

I have been through at least 4 or 5 therapists and none of them could help me. I have a lot of childhood trauma and all they tell me is that its a miracle I am not locked up somewhere. My husband and I have no relationship and haven't for years yet he sees nothing wrong. He thinks everything is wonderful as he sits in his room in his chair watching tv and youtube videos. I have been lonely for a long time and he refuses to go for therapy since there is nothing wrong. How do you discuss anthing with someone like that. I have tried for years to talk to him about our marriage and all he does is pout like a 2 year old. I used to get wrapped in just working all the time but recently became unable to drive and am stuck at home. What can I do? I dont believe in divorce except for cheating

[@NathalyTannerBeauty]

I’m divorcing mine because you just described my marriage. It will never change. I rather me alone and truly be alone than being with someone and being alone

[@pamelalang8488]

Oh, there are times that I thought of divorcing him because like you, I would rather be alone and have somebody in still feel like I’m alone. But right now I can’t drive or work so I need somebody to be there to do my grocery shopping and pick up things at the store when I need them. I have no income so I can’t really go anywhere on my own. I’m really stuck.

[@suzannortega6671]

A lot of men are completely oblivious to the breakdown in communication- it’s really challenging & upsetting when they actually don’t think anything is wrong & just sit there smiling!!! Ugh!

[@daisybiagioli9305]

@@pamelalang8488you are staying because need grocery pickup??!? First of all, and this I am sure of, you need to figure out what you want and find a way to get it, with or without him??

[@SuperHerofunfacts]

my fiance was like that, if I tried to talk she'd roll her eyes or sigh, as I'm interrupting her youtube, she hated talking about intimacy

[@debgilbert3206]

I see many of these things within my marriage. But know I know what I need to work on. Thank you!

[@scottroebuck7758]

This has hit home so hard. My marriage is suffering because I do not show the proper feelings when my wife talks about things that she was hurt from in her past. I do not know how to respond, and now we are facing a separation because I do not know how to communicate.

[@amuddymoose]

Maybe just listening is what she wants?

[@me2846]

@@amuddymoose Thankyou moose you understand in a MAN'S eyes!!!

[@leslie1536]

We have been married for 50 years and my husband does not know how to talk or be intimate. I’ve been lonely for 50 years.

[@bawdybyjade3881]

This my marriage. My husband avoids conflict like the plague. He has issues that he never addresses. When I bring an issue up he gets angry, storms off then avoids me and gives me the silent treatment. It is very childish and immature. I told him he is the king of unresolved issues. I also told him that every disagreement does not have to turn into an argument. this is his way of not talking about it. I feel like I’m married to a 10 year old most times. This is only one of the major issues with our marriage, we have many. He refuses to seek help so I don’t know what is going to happen.

[@Suelynngrr]

Absolutely SPOT ON!!! Thank you for this.

[@cindybello1915]

Lovely! Thanks for this description and explanation. Some of us may come from CEN but it's not good when we are shamed about it, and tell us that we are the ones to blame. Being aware of the fact and how it may be expressed, it 's a great step forward to wanting to work on better ways to react and handle conflict and negative feelings-- plus, knowing that negative feelings are normal instead of making it look like everything should be roses and rainbows by shaming us for having those reactions.

[@fionajeram9959]

Wow this is excellent perfect example of my husband , he went to therapy but this did not come up , thank you so much

[@jasonfitzpatrick414]

This is why I don't date, even though I would like to date, I just come from a different planet. Interesting topics and something to consider to make oneself better.

[@lorainemcgahee9471]

Spot on! 💯%!

[@Hasssssna]

Thank you. The last part of your video hits me to the core! I'm in tears right now..

[@vpdodd]

Very informative and helpful.

[@michellekiel4762]

I’ve never felt more seen!

[@fizzlefinderslovesshokiara6772]

Great video

[@caressaaddair6436]

What do you do when only one partner is aware and participating in therapy, but the other refuses?

[@dioneiakunz4836]

Wow!! Outstanding video. Thank you for sharing this 🙏🏼🧘🏻‍♀️💖

[@leviblum443]

I was wondering, does the person who was raised in a CEN environment feels that something is not right in the marriage, or they think that it is okay, because of the environment they were raised?

[@AllIAm1]

Deep down u know something isn’t right; just like when ur a child

[@jenynz5334]

We may lie to ourselves in the same way.

[@emilyfawn]

Thank you for sharing this. It has the potential to pivot my relationships in a very meaningful direction. Looking forward to learning more!

[@moiseshernandez8225]

Hello Dr. Jonice thank you so much for your hard work in making these videos

[@marie-noellebaechler1433]

Thank you for your video, Please note that this is not only relevant for married people, It is also relevant for people in any form of "registered partnership" or of informal love relationship. Some person may avoid to look at this video just because its title only contains the word "marriage".

[@ashsampson]

I think my husband experienced CEN. He went to therapy after years of me encouraging him. The problem now though is he thinks all his feelings are valid no matter what they are and only his. When he comes out with his feelings (usually a blow up; compared to no expression) he tells me to take it personally or not and tells me I'm being defensive if i try and understand what he means; this is every time. He makes me feel Im not even allowed to have emotions. If he is frusterated he still yells and makes me feel like I don't do things good enough because i didnt do something the way he would of done it. I don't even know what to do anymore.

[@denisebarnett7849]

Thank you just heard your video and I'm going to try some of your advice. I will be listening for more.

[@fallon7616]

Wow. You you just described my my my marriage 😢

[@ta-cutecreations1818]

Thank you! This was do helpful!

[@hyekyungshin9344]

Some people are not capable of handling their emotions. They just suppress them. Whenever you bring it up you get punished by their withdrawals.

[@Andrea-e5s2j]

What do you do if your partner is in denial? Thinks everything is fine and won't go to therapy, with or without me. I've been trying to work with him the entire duration of our relationship (almost 13 yrs) and my soul is tired.

[@scottdecker3463]

Hi Jonice, if you read this I am curious your thoughts i invited my wife to watch this video hoping it would help us as we both have clear CEN. Anyway somehow my wife was prompted to write a list of all the negative emotions I invoke and why based on all.theae personality traits. Then after I asked her why she wrote that she said you wanted to hear my true feelings ...obviously they were 20 years of bottled up feelings but I'll be honest it was crushing emotionally. I guess I am not sure how someone would watch this video and then decide to point out all the negative things you dislike in your husband?

[@cherylcorbitt4540]

I'm 71 years old. Just learned about CEN. My marriage is as you described. My spouse is likely struggling with CEN as well. What is the most direct way to begin a cure?

[@babyfeith8325]

What about if the couple always having a conflict in there relationship, is it that also cause of CEN? because I have a relatives who's in their married life they always having a conflict, they're fight even in a small things. Thank you for this channel very informative and helpful👍

[@capitaln8826]

Me and my wife hoth suffer from CEN. Her more than me. I yern for affection and intimacy. But even though we're working together to get out of debt. Our marriage has felt so depressing to the point she asked me if I was happy with her anymore. I dont know what to do and neither does she. Everything romantic and intimate has just...stopped. I dont wanna lose her. But I dont want to feel unloved or unattractive to her anymore either

[@VanessaSimon26]

Emotional neglect and sexual neglect. Both for me. I am in so much pain. I don’t know if I can trust him again. 20 Years of a sexless marriage. I know it’s from my childhood. The mother wounds are real. The neglect is invisible as a child but it’s there. I am Depressed and so Anxious. I don’t know what to do.

[@ew6371]

How do I know if me and my partner are just not compatible, or if it’s CEN? I have CEN (self diagnosed based on reading your books which changed my life, thank you) and my partner doesn’t seem to need to talk about emotions. I think he is generally happy and emotionally stable. So I always end up holding my emotions in, and just bursting when I can’t deal anymore. Then I create a conflict which I hate, so I keep telling myself of for it :( It never brings any solution to the problem. I can totally relate to everything you’re saying, but how do I know that this doesn’t mean me and my partner are not for each other? 😢 It causes me so much stress, because I keep doubting and overthinking things, but maybe I just don’t know how to deal with my CEN? I think I’ll run away from my problems if I leave this relationship, but maybe I’m sabotaging myself?

[@lilreno1694]

41 years married..so lonely

[@rebeccawilliamson7401]

Can someone actually learn to share or even identify emotions if they respond for instance to, "give me 3 feelings." With hot, cold or pain?

[@sherizazzetti1824]

Well my mom just passed away we were good and then I heard the news and I was heartbroken I was crying my husband came home from work and he said if this I'm not listening to this I'm leaving and he said he needed space, but it's been a week and I call he don't any and he calls last night was telling me about work then he said he was getting na call and he never call back and I called no answer ,I told him all I wanted was a hug and he just got so mad and I don't have a off button to turn my tears off and he took nothing I mean nothing, then he said remember it's my house to and no man at the house ,I was like what you are what I want and my mom just died and now he gone no friends or family and I'm lost I can't sleep or eat, oh I also been in threpy over a year ,he also lost he's mom a year ago but I didn't walk out I gave him his space and pic he drunk butt off of the floor but he just leaves me so I'm full of emotion now

[@marysejoyal]

Am tired of what Professional therapists, 🙄seems to me they talked more about the problem and where it comes from, then give advice that will works. ( they want to see you )

[@carolebingham7262]

Too late for me my husband died how do u think this makes me feel it's something that can't be healed he DIED

[@DrJoniceWebbphd]

Learn much more about the importance of speaking your truth and communicating emotions in relationships in my FREE CEN Breakthrough Series: bit.ly/cenbreakthrough16 To find out if you have CEN, take the free Emotional Neglect Test: bit.ly/entest To learn more about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and how to heal it to improve your relationships, check out my bestselling book, Running on Empty, for just $10: bit.ly/runningonemptybook Find out more about Emotional Neglect at: www.emotionalneglect.com.

[@vickyd7541]

CEN doesn't have to result in emotional unawareness. I am aware of my emotions, trust them and use them as useful information in making important personal decisions. But I have difficulty revealing them to others, justify my decisions, and as a consequence form deep connections. And I get especially triggered when someone implies that my feelings don't matter. Just saying.

[@l.5832]

Actually, I was really ignored growing up to the point that frequently when I was 3-4 years old my mother pretended I did not exist. I was completely invisible to her (she was malignant narc). Anyway, years later when I was in therapy, a couple of different therapists commented that I was emotionally AWARE. At the time I didn't even know what that term meant. I am in touch with my emotions and know what I am feeling. I remember when I was 3-4 years old the feeling of indignity and unfairness of my mother's behaviour. What I do have is a feeling of not trusting people because I have had way too many people throw me under the bus.

[@angelmossucco]

❤

[@anonanon1982]

I love your message and information ❤️ Sadly, it sounds like you’re reading off something :(

[@ew6371]

How does it matter? Do you think people in TV don’t read off the script? The message matters, not the way it’s spread. Not everybody is a natural in speaking to the camera…

[@liliherndz5792]

Dr Jonice YOUR PROF INSIGHTs are a LIGHT 🕯🕊🕯 into the inner PATH of GETTING both ( willing & open ) partners and families COMMUNICATION DYNAMICs DEVELOP into the GIFT ..of EXPERIENCING un LOVE, and EMBRACING ones HUMAN VULNERABILITIES leading to INTIMATE COUPLE & FAMILY stability … 🕊🤍🕊 and healthy authentic ( not perfect ) share unique path and life journey.