Ep. 16 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer

[@SanjuroSan]

This has quickly become a go to podcast for me.

[@Ragnarok6664]

Swirly Kalen aye

[@Grexslamfist]

I stopped watching ymh because imo Bert is a way better target than Christine.

[@TheVanderbone]

I wish they put out more 2 Bears 1 Cave man Tom and Bert go together like the peanut butter an jelly perfectly distributed into a snickers uncrustable.

[@mcdonagh21]

Honestly these two beer disappoint

[@GuardSilent]

Absolutely agree they always make me laugh

[@GraceanneParks]

Bert: "Why did your mom and dad escape Peru?" "Uh, they didn't escape my dad got a job in Venezuela" 😂😂

[@ppaulisdeadd]

he said *Minnesota I think I would check but I don't have time I gotta save my sister she went down in the mountain ok bye i gotta save my sister bye

[@willzamudio6569]

@@ppaulisdeadd definitely said Venezuela

[@mimigiggles4199]

How many South American countries could Bert find on a map? Bert: there's Mexico.

[@freeone1545]

😁♥️

[@mandihollingsworth182]

That was fucking hilarious 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@pcpricw9096]

Bert I just wanted to say thank you. I’ve have felt with anxiety my entire life and I herd you talking about your struggles with OCD, and everything you go through. I started thinking about the similarities to my own situation. Because of you I talked to my doctor about and we found a treatment that she thought might help and it has changed my life COMPLETELY. Because of you Bert, for the first time in my life I feel safe in my own mind. You have truly changed my life!

[@Howitchewstofeel5gum]

Tom: talks about a horrific terrorist attack Bert: Did you ever hook up with any girls in Peru?

[@montyjackson69]

He was too excited about the question to pay attention to Tom.

[@well_as_an_expert_id_say]

@@dailysmoke1687 Are you twelve and speaking from experience?

[@alexanderjeromewhite2380]

LMFAO

[@chadscott3620]

Bert: I’m not racist Also Bert: He looks like a normal person

[@Ragnarok6664]

He sure does 👌🏻

[@Crucialmisfit]

56:00

[@BradyHold]

Also Bert, before we knew Costa Rican people could be black

[@Allison_Zed]

Bert: I'm not racist Also Bert: He probably missed out on selling rugs or jewelry or whatever.

[@jessejohnson8562]

@@Allison_Zed lol! He owns hotels! gonna still be rich after bert mc hammers all his kids college money away! what a fat racist dirtmouth!

[@liverpool1011000]

I miss Toms opening jokes about Bert being racist. Like “Bert will you stop saying the N word”.

[@ajsparx4133]

He doesn't need to, Bert finished this one strong with no help

[@JWP6948]

Best opening to a podcast I've ever heard! 😂. One of my best friends loves the show as well and hadn't seen it yet I was like wait til you hear the newest one and he text me and was like brooooo 😂😂

[@felicehyppolite]

Had to pause at that moment just to cry with laughter, it was absolute gold 😭😭

[@markovidovic5913]

Toms bent ear is really looseining my jeans.

[@dannywilliams3764]

Sames

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

It's better than when people put their ear inside of the hat. That shit really bothers me for some reason.

[@tommyreed1707]

Guinea's hats too fucking big for is already big ass face

[@TheXquizid]

cuff jeans on that try

[@StonerHesperia]

@@TheXquizid piss on me beat me. Try it out. Home here now.👖

[@joshuabidencope6875]

Bert "I'll tell you off air" Kreischer

[@racheverday9214]

Breaking news, the guy that thinks swimming in a pool counts as a shower has bad teeth.

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

Well he also thinks that eating peppermints count as brushing your teeth.

[@zbinawhitetee]

He started boycotting brushing teeth when Quip dropped him as a sponsor. Plus, you dont need to brush your teeth when you just take them out because theyre all fake

[@zaaaane1231]

Well he has no real teeth to begin with so its neither here nor there

[@Mechanic618]

And believes in using mediums and seances. What a clown Bert has become.

[@kjcorder]

@@leohong5845 many are fake because they got knocked out young. so he uses soap because he doesn't like toothpaste And "doesn't need it" . it comes up in the sober October recap

[@jno4159]

Bert looks like a guy who dodged being on “To Catch a Predator” simply for getting lost trying to follow Apple Maps directions to the house

[@rickb8236]

Tom looks like he would have a car with a garbage bag covering a window

[@Shovelman220]

98 grand am with a doughnut spare and I bumping system that still skips if you cross railroad tracks to fast.

[@Dontbustthecrust]

Dammit I really need to replace my fucking window

[@Dontbustthecrust]

@@e7725 yeah that would suck. Looking like a bag of dicks.

[@dannyszydlowski]

A Lamborghini with a bagged window

[@EternalResonance]

in 5 years hipsters will ironically put bags over their non broken windows.

[@Headhunter425USMC]

Bert: “The house was owned by a prominent Jewish couple.” Tom: “Ughh...”

[@SufferWithPride]

Bert Kosher

[@ivy2000100]

@@SufferWithPride nobody acknowledged this comment and that's sad it was quality.

[@TheworldengineBeeps]

LMAO when Tom called up his cousin to ask about Latinx, LMAOOOO

[@ryanskinner9136]

Tom’s kid sounds like Chris D’Elia

[@DstrtdMnd]

S'spanish

[@couchman-sw6jy]

😂

[@mandyspaswick7116]

This aged well...

[@flyerCG]

🤣🤣🤣 perfect

[@Josh_H]

Bert would be 6 years late on the 50 cent Mayweather beef

[@makajossos9431]

Fkking 2014 haha, were does he actually read this as ‘news’

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

Yeah he really keeps up on the current events..

[@BostonBlues]

I was like there's no way he's bringing that shit up lmao

[@Howitchewstofeel5gum]

Bringing up something related to the ice bucket challenge in 2020 as if it's hot news 😂

[@barrybadrinath2453]

He's from Florida what do you expect lmao

[@savannahp6359]

Tom:I can't stop looking at your nose hair Bert: oh my eye hair Tom: no your nose hair Bert: look at my eye hair quality podcasting right there

[@Raptors2019C]

“She was younger than me and she still is “

[@aaron4ism]

chente diaz I was just thinking about when he said that laughed, then seen this 2 seconds after 😂😂

[@1sadsexually2sadsexually54]

@@pubgpickle lmfao

[@johnnycashew9101]

so all the serial killer parts of tom are being genetically expressed in his son?

[@brandonboykin9228]

Exactly. They think it sounds cute, but their raising a functional sociopath.

[@EvilMonkey7818]

Tom's serial killer half + half Hungarian. Kid's gonna be burying people in their backyard when he's a teenager.

[@johnnycashew9101]

@@brandonboykin9228 dude, I was joking. All kids are kind of psychotic. They literally have a developmental phase nicknamed the "me" phase

[@brandonboykin9228]

@@johnnycashew9101 No you are right. Its natural psychology and is a very normal phase. Its how causally they act about it tho This kid will always be more privileged than the average child. No need to entitled about it. It was a good story, just Hopefully he privately took a moment to do a little parenting that's all.

[@MattColeComedy]

Bert "I'm gonna burn 'em in the backyard" Kreischer 🤣🤣

[@edburns584]

I was picturing step Brothers when they were trying scare people from buying their house.

[@TKO593]

Matt Cole Comedy His whole life must be that feeling 2 seconds after he says something that he instantly regrets. Just knowing how we like to take him out of context as it is.

[@lilmiss6665]

the two bears hats look like something from a mall kiosk that also sells those light up tshirts

[@fern6306]

Hannah Barker they’re full-on dad hats lol

[@hoodiestimbs2783]

You look like the girl that works the kiosk.

[@lilmiss6665]

@@hoodiestimbs2783 lol

[@hoodiestimbs2783]

Hannah Barker 😏😋

[@JCQUEVEDO7]

This podcast is an absolute blessing!!

[@RealMrNails]

i don't know how you can just do the audio of this show. the looks that Tom gives Bert, and just everything else, priceless.

[@BackRoadStoneRevival]

“20 shades Lighter” The Sammy Sosa story.

[@raulvalencia4716]

N

[@Doorito_]

Netflix original Exec producer: Tom segura

[@Irv123]

@@Doorito_ "Fifty Shades of Sosa"

[@braxtonburgener1459]

“What if I told you”

[@TFAYAKA7]

When Bert talks and laughs he sounds like a faucet turning on and off.

[@7PurpleElephants]

Glad they decided to not do 5 minutes of ad reads to start the show off like the last couple.

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

Just skip through it..

[@vma862]

I sooooo agree. I was going to see if someone put a timestamp on when the show actually started and was presently surprised.

[@imLuve]

7PurpleElephants bro dont act like if you were in their positions you wouldnt be runnin ads and gettin that money boi! So shut up and getcha guap up 💸

[@edburns584]

I hate ads typically but at least you know where the ad money goes here I just wish they'd timestamp it. I like pre ads rather than midshow ones those usually derail the momentum.

[@Doorito_]

KZbin showed them the how many of us skip it lol It’s got to be at least 90% skip it

[@fauxbravo]

Bert: Wow, Sammy Sosa is batshit now. Also Bert: Yo I had a spiritual healer come do a seance and cure my future cancer for 150 bucks. Okay, buddy.

[@Tehcarp]

At least 450 if you add it all up

[@Tehcarp]

Which might be cheap for a bit... I cant pretend i understand what brat Chiseler needs

[@kaptainhugz7695]

I have never laughed so hard in my entire life than when Bert said “me llama alberto... la machina” 🤣

[@bgillett72]

“It’s a $150 to clear the energy” like that’s even a real sentence

[@Neightlive]

He's a dummy

[@definitelyderek5815]

Plus an extra $150 to clear out the prostate cancer he was supposed to get in the future

[@thedonjj8629]

Bruce Gillett and one more 150$ to remove a future cancer? Bert if you want to throw money away send it my way!

[@MikeWatches]

Shit if i had the money and a “professional” told me I was going to get cancer and she could “get rid of it”, I’m paying that fuckin money with a tip.

[@ghoulsarefree]

I realized how much Tom loves Bert when he didn't rip him to shreds for that story.

[@charleeriverbear5153]

I bet Bruts Krishler least favorite bear is the black bear...

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

Oh he hates them!

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

@John Malkovich polar bears?

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

@John Malkovich koala bear?

[@TheeDrtyGhttoKid]

John Malkovich Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

[@cloud_monkey422]

TheeDrtyGhttoKid last week I was in a drug store

[@Nathan8rr]

“and she cleared that out for another $150 and we’re good..” 😂

[@ericschinn]

We need “Gendral Neutrid” merch!! Stock it right next to the “Jewid Flender” shirt 3:43

[@ericschinn]

I love how like 30 seconds later he says “Gendral Neutral” both times on accident because it’s so fucking absurd, people’s brain literally fuck up when trying to conform to nonsense hahahaha

[@ericrenteriaear]

They should really use the back TV to pull up clips and pictures when they talk about them

[@RLybarger1986]

They added Nadivs laugh to the intro....yasss

[@captntread8472]

This was so much better with no commercials. Thank you guys so much

[@davida.7967]

Tom looks like a recently divorced dad who was court ordered to attend rehab. He ceaned up and now works as the head counselor.

[@oklahomasooner7686]

David A. This is the one

[@cornjobb]

really weirdly specific and not at all true.

[@davida.7967]

@@cornjobb Boy o boy, arnt you just a bundle of joy? Why are you even here? Move on with your loose ass jeans.

[@money7487]

This show brings me so much joy by comparison that I don't have your lives. Thanks for sharing.

[@PickleRick849]

Thank you for making this a great Monday!

[@smoochiewallace2378]

“Unrefined Coca Cola” that killed me😂

[@cia7832]

2nd best moment on 2bears after the dance video

[@kenv7812]

Been waiting on the new one and it's finally here let's go!!!

[@TealAV]

"I've definitely had issues with trust" - Bert talking to a scam artist getting money from him

[@StevenLeeStudios]

The Steaming hot tea kettle thats coming out of your mouths when you laugh...priceless

[@michaelhowe3274]

Guys we need this weekly. Loving podcast the past 4 years and this one is my favorite, even above ymh main

[@joecity856]

Didn't Floyd clap back at 50 telling him that he would do the same if 50s son told him he loved him.

[@rawnorth7882]

Yeah, but how is he like 5-6 years late on this is what i wanna know lol

[@kellsbellls]

The best part about this podcast is when they're both laughing and explaining something in their high pitched voices. It kills me every time I can't get enough of them

[@sloth5817]

This is literally the best podcast channel ever.

[@davidguardarrama4837]

Weekly uploads were not enough, so now I'm traveling back in time to watch more 2 Bears. Thanks for all the laughs, hope I get to catch your shows sometime soon

[@420HozayLopez]

“Yo no tambien”😂😂😂 Gordo Bert is bilingual like Tom

[@mattd2983]

Hey Tim and Brandt, Love the show. My favorite segment is when you guys are scrolling through your phones and showing each other pictures. You guys should do only that from now on.

[@hobobluesclown7337]

I think Ari paid this spiritual healer to make Bert forgive him. 🤨

[@kurtjoseph6232]

I don't he cares that much.

[@huckleberrylachow2202]

“50 cent would love us” bert thinks that about everyone lmao

[@huckleberrylachow2202]

Devin McNulty he might like tom, no chance he’s a fan of bert hahaha

[@ghoulsarefree]

He is really obsessed with what (famous) people would think of him. He's so insecure it makes me cringe. Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, 50 cent, Jerry Seinfeld, etc etc

[@thismothafuckasaid7304]

@@ghoulsarefree Ya..and it's always the worse celebrities he wonders about, too. The MTV / NBC mainstream dull type celebrities.

[@jesusosoria8903]

Bert: “there’s a producer that owes 50 some money” Tom: “Who Young Buck”

[@ClipCoyote]

It was the other way around though

[@jesusosoria8903]

You sho is right. That shit had me dying tho

[@jesusosoria8903]

Fixed lol

[@CorrectFossa]

Christina’s teeth bullying made me so self conscious, I bought braces. And I’m just a podcast listener.

[@kjcorder]

and yet she seems to only share tiktoks with shitty teeth. drives me crazy.. Bert's onto something with push being the crazy instigator.

[@EBEASTmOd]

ScAnDeLeZ where’d you buy your small ones?

[@phillyspecial1393]

Tom's "cooooocaaaaacoooolllllaaaaa" voice had Me dyin

[@XDoobieSnacks]

Best part is Tom's face when bert starts giving too much info

[@hannahmckinny3226]

my *favorite* thing is when tom talks about his kids

[@bryanezambrana8885]

My God! These 2 Bears episodes are getting so so much better!!!!! In this episode a little bit of Tom Segura En Español... I want more, much much more.

[@thevicvinnigrshow]

One bear has been hitting the trash can pretty hard outside of the Wendy’s 🤷‍♀️

[@abandofme1350]

I could listen to these two TikToks all day

[@dt9255]

I'm guessing recorded pre sober October recap, the whole teeth thing right

[@anthonyjamesonlineirl7633]

Good call.. Must be, I was totally confused by Tom's reaction to the teeth, considering how they covered it on Rogan..

[@craazy82010]

I scrolled through to see if anyone beat me to this statement before I posted

[@austinarnold155]

Yes

[@iLLConscience]

Was thinking the same thing I was like Bert just talked about it on rogan did Tom forget already lol

[@kevindube7096]

That’s the only way it makes sense. What doesn’t make sense to me, is why has Brett been hiding this teeth story for so long? 🧐

[@AJ-ut8cz]

Bert held his dad's hand when walking until he was 23.

[@bobfalfa76]

They mouth kiss when they say goodbye

[@Shovelman220]

So did Theo Von, but for different reasons.

[@ClipCoyote]

Thought that said wanking for a second!

[@nicksurfs1]

No way!? Where did you hear this? Haha

[@Treytreytrey3]

Lol god damnit I hope they never stop doing this podcast.

[@jessejohnson8562]

Tom: "Im gonna go down there" (to Peru) Bert: "To do spanish?"

[@whydesignco]

Bert, bert bert. Spiritual healers? I did not know this man’s stupidity was that severe lmao. He got sold on it so fast with vague answers hahaha, lovable dude

[@Tehcarp]

Spiritual healers run in circles with extra money floating around. Its much sadder when they prey on people that don't have extra money.

[@CNMedia.Service]

Glad I took one year of Spanish in high school 👌🏻 glad I can understand Burt.

[@commentetiquettestudent1788]

Tom Segura's cousin is the MVP of this episode! 😂

[@westleystewart3483]

The amount of joy I get from seeing a new episode of two bears one cave is fucking ridiculous

[@cojac6SMG]

Wow man we just watched an ice bucket challenge from 6 years ago. Let’s never let Bert suggest videos to watch again.

[@cbelsk8053]

Tom: I’m going to Peru this year Bert: To do Spanish? LMAOOO

[@RPRsChannel]

One day you guys will realize there's a TV on the wall next to you and that the images/videos you cut to can be shown on this TV, with you two still in frame. (Bert, The TV with the Two Bears One Cave image to YOUR right).

[@RolandSpecialSauce]

That is actually a painting.

[@endwar222]

2 bears 1 cave is one of my fav podcasts. This was great and i wish it was longer

[@ScreenRealm]

When Tom and Bert laugh, they morph into one.

[@DillHurley7]

"so we gon let you read Cat in the Hat" 😂😂😂

[@hobobluesclown7337]

Pleeeease record Tom getting a spiritual healing!!!!

[@ericaeverson2009]

Yaaaaaay!!!!! This is my absolute favorite podcast right now, love Tom and Bert together! I imagine a cartoon version of them with Tom leading Bert to his doom with a trail of uncrustables and Tito's 😂😂😂

[@TristanRoux]

I am Tom’s left ear -Tyler Durden

[@andrewtruex]

Tristan Roux this made me crack the fuck up

[@msjenanicole]

The intro......yesssssssssss

[@JackRabbitSlimz1]

At episode 100 its rumored that the two bears will touch tips. 🙏

[@VivaLaBunga]

Uncle Terry style

[@JackRabbitSlimz1]

You cannot stop this inevitablity....

[@kjcorder]

not these two homophobes

[@JackRabbitSlimz1]

I heard Brent is so racist that he even hates others whites...

[@LOKDOWNKING]

I've watched them since episode 1 AND IM SO GLAD IM HERE B4 THEY BLOW UP CUZ OF THIS........ LOVE THIS, can watch episodes OVER N STILL LAUGH

[@almightysosa3007]

Toms son definitely has the shining, he’s turning out to be like Danny with that voice in his stomach

[@MegaGingerpimp]

You know you're drunk listening to a podcast when you are both watching it and solely listening to it at the same time

[@marios23apoel]

Bert: "I.. I.. I.." Bert, alternatively: "You.. you.. I.."

[@Brandishh]

I so look forward to this every week! Without a doubt my favourite podcast ever

[@ms.l3392]

I could listen to their children stories all day

[@Victor-ns6vm]

Dude when these two are together my stomach explodes

[@TheMixmastamike1000]

The best part is when Tom realizes Bert is lady Gaga😂🤣😂🤣😂

[@myearshurtnoone1367]

haha i lost it when they both started laughing high pitched at the same time

[@wyatt1483]

Damn I really wanted one of those hats last time I saw Bert wearing one

[@underthetrees4780]

You could probably order a custom for New Era.

[@tonz928]

@@underthetrees4780 good idea. What bear logo are these from?

[@underthetrees4780]

@@tonz928 one is definitely the current Memphis Grizzlies and the other I'm not sure, maybe an old Vancouver Grizzlies or a rare UCLA Bruins logo.

[@underthetrees4780]

@@tonz928 actually I lied, so I have no fucking idea, must be some obscure minor league teams or something.

[@tonz928]

@@underthetrees4780 lol all good. Thought one was Grizzlies too. I was digging Bert's grateful dead lighting bolt hat b4 too. Thats om dead.net btw.

[@brittanyteague4413]

LOVED hearing Tom speak Spanish. I want to start listening to the Spanish podcast to hone my language skills. I would LOVE to learn more Spanish from Tom.

[@GHIDOTTI]

I would pay a decent amount of money monthly to have access to a camera up above them to see all the shit they write down and can't say on air.

[@carlypark7562]

Tom & Bert look great in this ep! Bert especially looks...like he’s not dying. 😂

[@robertthompson9161]

hell yes

[@zionmonker]

Damn I love these podcasts! Makes 2020 awesome

[@aidensaroka7268]

I’m never gonna be able to listen to “Disgraceful” the same again.

[@TobiasRobertson]

Aiden Saroka I’ll be listening out for every sniff now, kinda wish I didn’t know. Although it is kinda fascinating

[@aidensaroka7268]

Tobias Robertson same here!

[@Howitchewstofeel5gum]

Duuude imagine being the guy who's got to painstakingly edit out hundreds of sniffs 😭

[@seccualfrustration]

I very much love the "Type 2 Diabetes" advertisements that frequently appear under these vids.

[@rapini7148]

When Tim says he screwed then dumped some chick before college, he surely means into a shallow grave.

[@0218Erfzul]

Just coming into this pod cast seriously been binging this and can’t stop! Love you guys can’t wait to catch up🤙

[@0218Erfzul]

Watched it come and go but now I’m full. Blown in

[@jonfriedman5861]

Lemme buy one those hats.

[@frogskta5150]

I'm just here for the squeals 😂😂

[@Surf-Ninja]

IS IT THOOOOOOOOOOOO

[@kip7371]

Those dunce caps are great! I love the straight bills... Too funny.