Ep. 288 | Decluttering Friendships

Joshua and Ryan talk about our desire for friendship that leads us to accumulate scores of friends, acquaintances, coworkers, partners, lovers, companions, contacts, colleagues, and associates, and they discuss our realization that relationship clutter is getting in the way of loving, meaningful connections. Watch “Maximal” episodes of The Minimalists Private Podcast exclusively at / theminimalists
Questions answered in this episode:
00:00 Is it loving to let go?
03:14 How can I stop feeling pressured to keep up with so many connections?
13:10 I’ve never struggled to declutter my “friends” on social media when they no longer have a meaningful place in my life, but how do I explain their removal when they ask me about it without hurting their feelings?
20:13 What does a truly healthy friendship look like?
28:02 How do we ensure mutual respect in a relationship?
29:00 How do we appropriately apply attention in a relationship?
34:06 How do you define “toxic relationship”?
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Detailed show notes: theminimalists.com/podcast
#TheMinimalists

[@nuchzara97]

Listening to this made me think of these words "if this relationship cost you your peace, it is too expensive. "

[@cabayern9416]

Yes! Just ended a relationship due to this.

[@nuchzara97]

@@cabayern9416 yes same here. And i get back my peace. Nothing worth the peace of mind.

[@sarahlockridge7879]

So good!

[@kcx2678]

I have a childhood friend who always tell me things like “This person said you’re blah blah” or “That person is talking behind your back and is spreading rumors”. Last year, I’ve come to the realization (finally) that, intentionally or unintentionally, she’s adding unnecessary drama to my life. I don’t want to confront or resent people. I don’t want to care about other people’s opinion of me anymore. I know myself. So I cut her off and I no longer respond to her messages. It’s not because I don’t value her anymore (she is a part of my growth in this world), it’s because she’s not adding anything good to my “present” life.

[@jashoo8597]

Some people keep a friendship out of nostalgia and when they meet they only talk about the good-o-days.

[@labuenavida3051]

This is true, probably a sign the friendship is expired. Not that you have to cut them off but accept that it’s time to move forward and find people who align with your current chapter.

[@zsuzsannabak1530]

When I was younger, never understood why friends just left me or started ignoring me. I thought I was doing something wrong. Or I have a problem. Now I know it was a self selecting process. They simply did not fit into my improvement of character, lifestyle or thinking. At that time I did not understand what is let go, so I was trying to fit everyone into my life even if I had to compromise. So wrong. I wish there was KZbin at that time.

[@alexarivera9076]

We’re on the same boat

[@TPA-fj9if]

As someone who ended a friendship of 13 years, I understand the importance of letting go, instead of holding on to something that's already dead just because of the time we have spent together and the hope or expectation of a change. There's a stoic phrase that more or less says "do not hold on to the pot because of the time that it took you to boil". The old one "Quality over quantity" is so applicable!.

[@zsuzsannabak1530]

Love that stoic quote. Thanks for sharing

[@elizabethleland8670]

I love this! One of the most important parts of my last year. I never realized how much time I spent looking for approval from people who don’t care.

[@rhythmrealmclubmixes3957]

I notice this too, its very draining. Note to self, to free up that time for self or those deserving.

[@HarleyChristensenAuthor]

"I'm not renouncing anything. I'm saying 'yes' to something else. In order to say 'yes' to this, I had to let go of some of my old habits." ~Joshua Fields Millburn (18:10)

[@JulieKieras]

“The world goes on with or without your reactive emotion to it” - I love this...

[@GabysKitchen]

I need to write this on my wall!

[@sussi3304]

Be your own best friend. Don't expect your friends to always be there for you. Maybe you have one bestie and he/she has 10 other friends. You can still be friends even if you only see each other occasionally. I enjoy different kinds of friendships with acquaintances or colleagues without having to go deep with everyone.

[@lanegardinier760]

I have made a clear distinction between what is a friend, and what is an aqunaitance, and this has been the most important sorting mechanism for how I spend my time, and with whom.

[@yburakcetin]

I had a best friend on the internet. We shared a lot of things together. We started to misunderstand and do not respect each other. Last month she deleted me even though I wanted to keep our friendship. I felt pain firstly but in the end, I realized that she didn't add value to my life anymore. The expiration date of our friendship was over. So I let her go in my mind which takes time Thank you, guys, for everything :)

[@idalinawin]

End 2020 I just stopped texting my ex-friends for good. Maybe took a long time to realize I was the only one, who was texting and responding them first. Sad, but now when one of them write me (almost never), I don't feel I have to answer or giving any kind of explanation. Just letting them go.

[@cabayern9416]

I enjoy my work colleagues, but I don't want to be friends on social media. Several are really irate about this. Tiring to deal with this.

[@kcx2678]

You’re not alone. I don’t add or accept friend requests from any coworker or boss in all social media platforms. Makes life easier and more at peace. If they have something important to tell me, they can just send me an email or SMS.

[@GypsyWolf7]

My dad always said every relationship has a shelf life.

[@Netekeen]

thank you guys for this great episode :) reminded me why i don´t have any social media accounts or why i am not on any app ... and i don´t own a phone ... i can´t even describe with words how liberating this was and is :) all the important and meaningful relationships stayed in my life and benefited from going "offline" :) big hug from far away

[@KSix86]

Just wanted to say Thank You. You two inspired me to become a minimalist. I can't even remember how I came to find Minimalism or when in that journey I found you two, but that's probably because it was such a natural transition for me and my husband. I used to be on all sorts of social media. Tiktok to Facebook to Instagram. I have since dropped all but Discord where I keep in touch only with friends I have met in real life, and a couple friends I will be meeting soon through one of my real life friends once we move to where we are planning. I still technically have Facebook, but I have been deactivated from it for over a year now. Seeing how well I am doing, I have decided to completely delete Facebook. Once I do, I will only have Discord where I don't have to deal with strangers, advertisements, and unnecessary drama.

[@iarroyo612]

I have a lot expired friends. I learned that they weren't there for my best interest so I feel better without them if I see them in the street I will say hi but that's is all. I only have a handful friends and that's fine with me. Less pressure

[@moanateliersoo18]

best episode so far! I really appreciate it. Gen Z, including myself, has been told that we should be RESPECTED anyway from anyone we encounter in our lives. But WHY? I've never questioned myself in this way and the episode helps me to figure it out. I might appreciate love and friendship around me, but I have no RIGHT to require them.

[@kasanchz]

Social media can be so toxic! I find myself asking do I really want to contribute by even just being a member? I definitely wont let my 11 year old have any social media memberships. He gets on me about being a helicopter mom occasionally but I'm from a generation that values privacy and social media does not. These later generations I also think over share. I think those platforms are so manipulative and have such a huge potential for harm. I would rather have an expensive phone bill, or have to buy a stamp, rather than anyone in my family being hurt because they were manipulated. (bullying, ridiculous challenges, others misinterpreting your comment, politics, fake news)

[@Nan-59]

Soo, I'm nearly 62, and I'm learning a L O T !!

[@michelleneuman579]

Not sure who coined the phrase "The Gift of Goodbye". Another great podcast!

[@jordanharriet]

What is interesting to think about as well with friendships, is that some can be situational. So while we can be really good friends with someone and distance enters the equation for example, or there is a job change, those relationships may expire and that is okay. It is sad but it does happen.

[@PinkSallyProductions]

Thank you for this episode, I’m looking forward to the private podcast too. Be well 🌹

[@iownadodge7081]

I love, love, LOVE this topic! I also really love listening to you guys talk. ❤️

[@carmeenamack]

Is it ok that I chose to declutter my parents?

[@pupamini5247]

Great episode! Just what I needed.

[@annamariamagallon1957]

Thank you! I love what you both share.

[@lafandenuel5605]

I don't see it as leaving behind or abbandoning. It's more dynamical. You walk a path in life and for a moment it runs the same way other people. If you think about it, it is almost impossible that path is the same for a lifetime long for 2 o even more people.

[@Cruzan_Camper]

Awesome content, Thank you. Be safe guys.

[@esthernohemi5856]

This is deep, deep guys. I love it Thx😊

[@zsuzsannabak1530]

Very important topic.

[@ufomechanic11]

I love listening to y’all

[@carylmaluping9632]

This is amazing 😍

[@scorpio7938]

Great listening too thanks

[@amdonut8091]

I was just thinking about this!!

[@CompostWatcher]

At 35 minutes: reminds me of a joke. The comic told the doctor that the kids were getting on her nerves. He prescribed Valium. She said that it worked real well until she found out it was for her.

[@micheleharris9617]

"Attention"..."at - tension". I like that; I'm going to use that one. 😊

[@Steve-Richardson]

I wish Ryan would be given more chances to speak. . . .

[@CompostWatcher]

That would be cool. Have them switch roles.

[@creationslandscapedesigns]

Will there be an audio version of this book?

[@TheMinimalistsPodcast]

Yep! Details: lovepeopleusethings.net

[@moking1]

I deleted all social media a year ago, only youtube and whatsapp are left on the phone because they take my time ❤️

[@sandysmom100]

If someone is renting space in your head , time to let go ......

[@sandysmom100]

Good subject! I'm trying to declutter my ex but he won't go away .....Lol 😆

[@cherylm367]

Nice hair cut, Joshua

[@katfangtastic1420]

I tried to preorder "Love people, use things" through the UK link but Amazon tells me "currently unavailable". Is it because I live in the Nordics instead of the UK? But I will want the book in English anyway, not in my local language. Is the preordering really only for the countries you listed? Looking forward to reading it!! 😊

[@TheMinimalistsPodcast]

We’d recommend reaching out to your local bookseller or a bookseller in the UK or US to see if they might be willing to ship it to you. Thanks for reaching out!

[@katfangtastic1420]

@@TheMinimalistsPodcast Thank you for coming back to me, much appreciated - I'll do just that! I can't tell you how much you guys have inspired me over the last few months and I'm excited to read the new book & continue on my minimalist journey.

[@scorpio7938]

Woo glad to be here homeless people are the nicest people i have always found i think some friendships change and you change too but i always make time to go for coffee when it works for my friend and i i try to make it a priority

[@yashikaramnani2444]

Will the book be available in india?

[@TheMinimalistsPodcast]

Possibly! Sign up for the newsletter on our website and you’ll be the first to know when it’s available.

[@sarahlockridge7879]

What do you do about friends or ppl in your life that tell you what to do with your life and give unsolicited advice?

[@CompostWatcher]

Just tell them that you’ll think about it?

[@koko137591]

🖐🏼🙂

[@debk6161]

That “movie” about The Villages does NOT reflect the reality of everyday life here. It’s sensationalizing, just like a “reality” show. I know. I live in The Villages. Like any large community, there are problems, but not like those depicted in that badly done film. If The Villages was really like that there’s no way we would live here.🌺

[@fatedrivesyou7471]

Social ME d-ugh cleanse ☺