Ep. 379 | Unhealthy Family Relationships (with

[@TheMinimalistsPodcast]

How do you manage family drama?

[@SFoureman]

With well-deserved permanent estrangement. #boundaries

[@christyncain9087]

Probably unhealthy af but I disengage

[@Kyriecat12]

When you have the answer let me know lol. I have boundaries, but sometimes I go past them.

[@rdlewis3616]

I am a 72 y.o. woman who lived with expectations of what children should do and be. As the older child and female, I broke ground when I decided to move to a different state and then decided to not have children. There were so many expectations that were smothering me. Then there was the expectation that I would be with my parents every Christmas which I dutifully did for my entire life. As a result my favorite holiday became drudgery and I was never able to do and go where I wanted. I resented my parents but was not strong enough to set my boundaries. If I had it to do over I would set boundaries and would live my life to be and do what would be best for me. That doesn’t mean I would take my parents out of my life, but I would be me. Since I retired my parents decided that I should move back to my hometown which I haven’t lived in since I was 26 so I could take care of them. That was the last straw, and I said no and finally set boundaries. They never saw me as a person outside of being a daughter.

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

I'm curious if you feel guilty about not taking care of your parents. I would beat myself up because I want my parents/in-laws to be well taken care of, but i also know i won't meet the expectations. where do you draw your boundaries if they're unable to take care of themselves and how do you deal with it?

[@emmaadams5905]

Going no contact with my whole family because of systematic abuse and neglect meant I had a lot to unpack in therapy. And one thing that really hit was acknowledging that my father is just man. Outside of my hopes and expectations he is just a man. He's not the dad I wanted he's just a man who wasn't capable of being the dad I needed and deserved. He's in charge of his own feelings and the consequences of his actions. I live with the experiences I endured sure but he lives a shallow and lonely life estranged from the people he's hurt. But I can't hold him on any pedestal good or bad. Even when he caused the most harm to my life it wasn't even about me. It was about him not being able to handle his own shit and that led us dependents to suffer. It's another reason it scares me when people take having children so lightly. It's constant work and now if you fuck up it's not just yourself or your adult partner in the firing line. Children are neglected and abused in plain sight every day and it's easier for the general public to have willful ignorance that a parent wouldn't hurt their child. Being a parent doesn't mean you suddenly have boundaries and morals you're just a person that now has a dependent that is in the splash zone of your decisions good and bad.

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

i empathize with you. not that my parents were horrible, but they were human, meaning they had issue of their own and i had to forgive them because i had no clue what they had to deal with until i became a parent myself. now, does that mean it was okay that they failed to give me what i needed, which was emotional attention, of course not, but i cannot hold them accountable for something even they do not know. The only thing i can do now, is learn it myself and do my best to not repeat their mistakes to my children. Does that mean i will be the perfect parent? no, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We can only do our best and hope and pray that our children will learn from our mistakes, love themselves, and to keep trying. Don't give up on life. You are not what happened to you. You get to choose who you are and who you want to be. i hope you find healing.

[@julio7842]

Just because you share DNA with someone doesn’t mean they should be permitted to bring unnecessary anxiety into your life. If someone cares about you they work to diminish anxiety not create anxiety in your life.

[@SuiteTaBuByA]

I think this is a hard thing for people to accept these days especially if they grew up with a lot of privilege and not enough real life conversations 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@bumblebee_ms]

@@SuiteTaBuByA I also think people who grew up in abusive families dream about perfect grandparents for their kids.

[@rheanelken2918]

@@bumblebee_ms yeah this

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

@@bumblebee_ms yes, i do, and then i accepted that i'm not perfect so why am i putting that standard on everyone.

[@bumblebee_ms]

@@NoneYa-pg6dk You missed my point all together.

[@mandyyoung444]

Great podcast. 1-Nedra that top is on point and you look fabulous. 2- Setting expectations for me has been key to general happiness in my married and mom life. My dad made pancakes every Sunday growing up, and so I always thought a good man would continue this exact tradition. But I learned-I needed to carry the pancake tradition, and my husband has brought brand new traditions that I wasn't expecting. I was much happier once I realized and adjusted my expectations. And I still got my pancakes-I just made them.

[@elaineclaire7063]

I wrote this in my journal recently " I never really understood what it really means to have a family; sometimes it feels like i come from a dysfunctional family. while reunions are a time for the entire family to come together, my family reunion was cut short because my brother and his wife couldnt handle his cranky kids - there were yelling that took place in the middle of a reunion- how fo you call a family peaceful when theres so much verbal abuse in it. sometimes i feel like i am not whete i am supposed to be because of my roots but i cant choose my family isnt it - but family isnt blood either. I do have elderly parents and while i appreciate them nagging at me for my wrongdoings sometimes i feel that they're taking things too far. sometimes i wonder if they are both suffering from hidden mental illnesses that they're throwing out at their children. Being the only caregiver is exhausting - sometimes i do not have my me time - oversleeping would cause me to be yelled at- it feels like a slave sometimes. As they say you cant pour from an empty cup and is funny though my brother on the other hand doesnt get much from them but i am the one who gets the most yelling in the family- like am i really a bane in the family, are girls being discriminated in an asian family, afterall i pop up 9 years later so that would be the cause of the generational gap thats happening between my toxic parents and i." okay that took a whole lot of me to pour my entry out in public. but this is my inner thoughts suffering in a toxic family.

[@elaineclaire7063]

where*

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

hello, from an Asian upbringing here. I cannot say I fully understand the responsibility of being a son, especially if you're the only son in the family. being married to my husband, has opened perspective, though I will never be able to experience it personally. We cannot change what our community expect out of our gender role. If there is a change, it is a slow process. We have to accept that the expectation is there, but that does not mean that we have to allow the abuse to happen. It sucks to feel stuck, but there is a way, and only you can find that path. No one has the power to define you unless you allow them. Your best is enough. You got it. Keep fighting and I hope you find healing.

[@chris-ci7ch]

I was the first kid in my family to have children. I had the same kind of relationship with my parents that Jessie has. Lucky for me my next door retired neighbors helped me a lot. What killed me was when my parents did everything for my younger siblings children.

[@nienkepeters4940]

This could be a description of MY life...

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

my husband is the middle child. he was brought up with hand-me downs. the oldest, youngest, and only daughter received all the attention. my husband had to do everything on his own, which was sad, but good, because it made him stronger. the crappy part is that he still craves acceptance from his family. not only that, even though his family failed him countless times, he refuses to see who they are. Thankfully, he's been able to open his eyes more. It was so bad, that even it got to me. I had to say a NO is NO for both him and I, because he doesn't know when to stop helping, and they will keep taking regardless if we can or not. They never consider his situation. Whenever we refuse to help them, they gaslight us, guilt-trip us, and talk behind our back. It is so unhealthy that he allows them to treat him like an ATM and a clerk, yet when he asks for help, 99% of the time they turn a blind eye, and they have every right to, but it also let us know where they place us in their life and now we can consider where we put them in our life. His love is unconditional and I hate to see him allow this to happen, but I had to let him learn the hard way, because he refuses to face reality. We're both learning that helping is helping regardless if it solves the problem or not and we can only give what we can. If they say it's not enough, it's not our problem. It's getting better though.

[@ninaisaac4890]

I can 100% relate to this! I have three children. Two teen-agers and one in primary school. My husband is the only person that has truly helped me. We compromised when we had children, that I would be a full time mother and that my husband would work full-time. We don't get any help and now looking back, we are glad we didn't get any help because it made me stronger and wiser and very fast and very multi skilled. I enjoy my life as a full time mother and wouldn't change it for anything else. They are not interested any way so I can't force them. We have different lives. I'm much happier and free letting go of this expectation.✝️☦️🙏❤️All the best.

[@krisy-in-italy]

I am maybe the grandmother that goes the other way and wait to be called. All my friends know that if I get a last minute call I may have to break a “date”. Just happened yesterday afternoon my DIL called to ask me to come over today as she has a dentist appointment. I called my friend and cancelled our lunch. It’s what I do. The babies and my support for them always comes first. I learned this from my MIL who always made herself available. Not so much my own mother. I thrive being a granny. This particular DIL had me wait 20 years for this darling baby girl and I am going to enjoy her as much and often as I can. 💜

[@justsayin3647]

What do I do? I do my best. I do what I can.

[@GoGraceGo]

Great Conversation. Please consider allowing guests to speak more.

[@lisamorris4232]

On the subject of truth, there's a proverb, "Open reproof is better than a concealed love. The wounds inflicted by a friend are faithful, but an enemy's kisses are plentiful" (insincere or forced).

[@kennethbailey9853]

Perfect Timing!

[@Kris-pw4gp]

Maybe they would be more willing to help out if the only time she talked to them she wasn't just asking for them to do things for her. She should have them over to spend time with her and the kids or invite them on outings with her and the kids. How many siblings does she have and how old are her parents? Maybe the grandparents would like to just enjoy the grandkids and not feel like all they are is a built in babysitter. Is she asking them to help out for an hour or two or is she expecting them to watch the kids all day (big difference). Two kids under three can be exhausting. I would babysit my niece and nephew and would go home absolutely exhausted.

[@robinrutherfordcost4748]

Maybe invite them over for dinner so they can see how great your kids are. They might be scared because they don't know how fun and/or easy it can be. One of the best parts of growing up for me was spending time with my grandparents. I even asked my Gram, what age would you prefer to be? She said, the age I am: otherwise I wouldn't know you. I miss her so much. Hope that helps.

[@GantsilyoBaguio]

I think having these kinds of expectations from family members is all wrong. It's actually unfair to them. Parents should not expect grandparents to care for their grandkids. That's not their duty. Grandparents will only help out if they want to and are willing to. They should not be expected to go out of their way just to accommodate their grown kids and grandkids' needs. The caller should instead manage her expectations of her parents. That's the only thing she can control and not her parents behavior.

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

agreed! If you decide to have a child and expect others to help, you cannot expect it without discussing and agreeing. Even when there is an agreement, one can change their mind because they may not know how much work it takes, or just because. You can use your child as a pawn or let it go. Grandparents don't have legal rights to their grandchildren so why are they obligated to go out of their way. Some grandparents are great with children and have no problem. Some not so much. Why would you want your child in someone's care if they're not interested? You're putting your child at risk. You are expecting a fantasy from your parents/in-laws and need to wake up. This is your child. There is beauty and struggles with being a parent, but that comes with anything and everything in life. Learn how to live with it.

[@GantsilyoBaguio]

@@NoneYa-pg6dk "There is beauty and struggles with being a parent" - love this! =)

[@banirahman4926]

Often mothers with young kids have depression and are overwhelmed. So they do need support from family and friends.

[@rheanelken2918]

Agreed, and I don't think it's extraordinary to want grandparents to be involved. The caller didn't sound extra demanding *at all*. Our society is fucked and the fact these excuses are being made for basic presence in a grandchild's life - which helps *their child*, is wild to me. It isn't normal to have to beg someone who brought you into this world to be interested in your life, by extension your kids (which are their lineage). Mind boggling.

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

ugh. so true. I went through the phase and didn't realize it myself, until i dug myself out my hole and looked back at how sad I was. no time for myself, always putting the little one's priority over my own and no one's there to help. on top of that, adulting responsibilities and being in the rat race makes it that much harder. My husband did what he could and it wasn't enough. Therapy helped for sure. It was a luxury to receive help from friends and family, however, I do not believe that they are obligated to the burden. Everyone tried their best and it was a struggle. I had anxiety every morning dropping off my kids when families forgot or overslept. I couldn't rely on them, but also I cannot make them someone they're not. Even though it was disappointing when they complained, I am grateful for their help. So we changed our shifts to make it work. These are the responsibilities of parenthood whether you like it or not.

[@banirahman4926]

For me my first born was born in Japan. I had no relatives there. But a kind 72 year old Japanese lady used to visit me often. She would come and tell me to take rest while she would start doing the house hold chores like folding clothes,cleaning the kitchen etc. I felt embarrassed and requested her not to do anything but she insisted. She thought that I needed rest. I will never forget her love and kindness. She was 72 years old and used to come to my place riding a bike and crossing two bridges. I think that parents and in laws should help their daughters and daughters in laws with little kids. There is something called postpartum depression that women often have after giving birth. I often read about moms (with little kids) getting severe depression. Parents and in laws do have some responsibility so that the daughter or daughter in law doesn’t feel overwhelmed. If they don’t care then it’s really a selfish attitude.

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

@@banirahman4926 completely understand. you're blessed that you got someone to help you. grandparents should be part of their grandchildren life for sure, as long as it works out. however, not all grandparents are deserving. I still don't agree that grandparents has to be a primary babysitter. any help they give should be enough.

[@NoneYa-pg6dk]

so much value in this episode. thank you so much for sharing.

[@professlch6347]

Great guest. Good interview, Joshua.

[@lana8305]

The woman with the kids who expect the grandparents to be available to help raise her kids, like they don't want to enjoy thier life, must be out of her mind. The audacity and selfishness. Nobody owes you anything because YOU decide to have children.

[@michelemcgill1720]

I would love to look after my grandchildren. I regularly cook meals for them. There is a large extended family, so I stand in line waiting for a chance, which is fine.

[@donnaedwards7330]

Was there question about having a conversation about inheritance answered? Should a person bring up the question to their parents or siblings? Why or why not? And if so, how?

[@caliblue2]

My parents never once babysat my kids. Not once. Def think they should have but they can’t hijack my soul with their selfishness. They were def the ones who missed out big time.

[@marciajames9434]

agree TK....we should note Narcissism/narcissist -that's a mental diagnosis -and that's a serious person and trauma to live along with compared to most folks who just have narcissistic traits.

[@MrsHealer]

Listening to your talks is very much going out of my comfort zone as the topic feels too close to home...

[@kimberlyjohnson6052]

So good! Thank you! ❤

[@marygrogan6101]

Good conversation

[@helenawalker7393]

Great conversation! More female voices on your videos please! 😊

[@smallhouseinthemeadow6131]

This woman chose to have children, so she shouldn't get upset when other people do not want to watch them for her:even if those other people are related. The grandparents already did their job raising their own kids. I didn't really hear her say that she was concerned about her kids having a relationship with their grandparents-only that she needed a babysitter when she wanted to do something. Maybe if she focuses on how she would love for them to be close, it would be more meaningful.Otherwise, just pay a sitter.

[@PS-bs8oe]

"The Grreat Siberian Itch". Ryan, tx, u made me laugh, Josh had his momentum and Nedra laughed her Joy aout loud. So you're not missed yet, but.. get well soon, Monsieur Nicodemus. ;))

[@jacquelinelowe-jackson3581]

Love TK wise and less wordy

[@SFoureman]

My parents "were people who just happened to have two children." They were Boomers. Made their hobbies into careers. When I wasn't able to breathe, as a child; due to health conditions; I was called a liar. Money funded the hobbies; not doctor's bills, medication, needed treatment. When I passed out, down a flight of stairs, at school because I had pneumonia and pleurisy; my parents refused to come get me because they "were busy being humans who just happened to have children." Their response was that I was faking illness for attention. So, the school nurse called the squad and I was rushed to the ER where I spent the next 2-weeks under an oxygen tent. My parents "were busy being humans who just happened to have children" when I carried 104° temperature for two weeks; doubled over in paralyzing pain; screaming and unable to move. My baby brother was the one that called the squad = emergency kidney surgery. Today, I'm permanently disabled. Much of what I've suffered in life, health wise, was due to congenital issues exacerbated by neglect to ever see a doctor. ...but, by golly my parents had motorcycles, snow mobiles, motorhomes, cars, trucks; travel. My mother was an artist. She had paint!!! ...but hey! My parents "were humans with their own thriving lives, hobbies, interests," "who just happened to have had a baby." Too bad that baby keeps living...becoming a toddler, child, teen, adult---with needs. The wishes, dreams, hopes---??? No worries, those were squelched early. God forbid any of those stages have a need for the definition of what a parent is; let alone responsibility to accountability. Hey! They were able to party Thursday through Sunday every week, though! Let the good times roll; and, the wine and beer keep an ever flow for those "thriving adults with their own lives and interests to live!" ...and, we learned the only "expectations" we were to have was the assurance of being beat when we dared asked for anything; cold cocked when we had a question or wanted to learn something---because that was rising up for notice beyond the ghost-existance we were to have. We were fed. We had clothes on our body. We had a bed. "Be grateful for that! There are kids starving in Africa." Keep the door of your bedroom (and your mouth) closed; and, don't come out...cause, the adults "have thriving lifestyles to pursue." At least the Victorian's hired nannies to raise their children. Now my mind wonders. Gonna have to go look up the definition for "parent" and "grand-parent." Is that the definition? = one who has managed to procreate through an act of sex." Period. If you don't want to rise up beyond your own self-interests; don't have children. Go have a vasectomy and get your tubes tied. Do ALL of society a favor. Your non-germinated eggs and sperm will forever thank you. Those "thriving adults" too busy to grand-parent? No worries. Those kids relied on people who wanted them in their lives---their own parents, coaches, teachers, friends, extended family, neighbors, mentors. Those were the people invited to the BBQ; the holidays; and, the weddings; and, the births. ...cause we all knew how too "busy they were living their thriving lifestyles." F'n f^k:ing toxic, abusive, neglectful narcissists.

[@smallhouseinthemeadow6131]

I am so sorry for your experience. Dr.Ramani has a you tube channel where she discusses narcissism. There are wonderful therapists out there who can help you with your(justified) anger.Your parents had no business having children. Back in the day, people had kids without even thinking about what that "means". It is just what we did.

[@thepinayminimalist]

Please invite @Samurai Matcha in your podcast

[@she-ra0622]

I'm so glad I don't have children, family or friends. Decluttering people from your life is so freeing.

[@DanielLarson-ob2jw]

Grace vanderwaal

[@emrahdemirci.]

Please. Turkey earthquake disaster podcast. I love Ryan and Joshua. Thank you.

[@FisherOfMen705]

Great Siberian itch is just a lie...YOU DECLUTTERED RYAN DIDNT YOU!?!?! NOOOOO! HE WAS FAVORITE JUST IN CASE ITEM

[@Theatrelove]

Obviously you havent had to deal with a narcissists. I know you can choose not to deal with a narcissists but what if you had no choice. As adults we can as a young person you cant . I hardly if ever hear any podcast explaining how a teenager deals with a narcissists and thats unfortunate when 80 percent of youtube is occupied by younger people.

[@kevinspliid8509]

Does the ohio disaster concearn you guys or are you content with what mainstream media is saying?

[@benbub123]

Guys... enough with the "shorts." I value what y'all provide with the podcast, but I'm about to unsubscribe to keep them out of my subscribed feed.

[@jc10907Sealy]

I think KZbin is encouraging all creators to do them probably necessary to keep in the flow.

[@benbub123]

@@jc10907Sealy perhaps so, but part of the KZbin algorithm is based on total subscribers, and I just unsubscribed because I'm tired of their shorts clogging up my feed.

[@morgan.a.mcneill]

y’all are the MVPs for having THEE nedra glover tawwab on here 👏🏽!! I haven’t even watched the episode yet but I already know it’s good! just when I didn’t think I could love y’all anymore than I have for the last 8 years, I do hehe 🫶🏽🤗. hope ryan is feeling better 🙏🏽.