[EP71] INFJs Are Absolutely Crappy At Dating And Flirting (Part 2)

[@BoomShikha]

Thank you so much to everyone who has chosen to support my video mission on Patreon.com/boomshikha! If you want to learn more about how to get involved, check out my Patreon page! ❤😍❤

[@DrifterSupremo]

Ever since I found out I was an INFJ literally EVERYTHING I've read or watched about it fits me like a glove. I don't even know where to start lol

[@BoomShikha]

Hahaha! Welcome to the dark side, my friend.

[@daniellem578]

Here is what I've heard and for me it is true. Some INFJ's are scared of intimacy. I know for myself after I was hurt 5 years ago from my last serious relationship - I would find good men but find some way to end dating them. Even when there was NO reason. I was afraid to give and open myself up to men again. Since I was hurt before. In the end I learned that I only hurt myself if I'm not letting love in or trying to give love another chance. It's a tricky thing. We are very sensitive souls as INFJ's. But you have to let go and pray for discernment-wisdom and try again at love.

[@BoomShikha]

I agree a 100%.. We need to balance protecting ourselves, with letting go and letting people in. It's a hard balance for sure, but absolutely freaking necessary. :) Thanks for sharing your story. I love your input.

[@Cruelidea69]

Butterfly Love sucks being on the other side of this🤷🏻‍♂️ lol

[@Bangel911]

I'm so glad I'm not the only weird one out there when it comes to how I behave when I like someone. I'm not particularly mean to people I like but I'm very distant and often ignore them. The more I like them the more I ignore them. I am always scared to show them and other people that I actually do like them and don't want that fact to be used against me.

[@BoomShikha]

Yes, I'm absolutely the same!

[@claudiacardoza1107]

Sooo true! We sabotage ourselves. Dating it's stressing, I have a hard time letting someone in, let alone intimacy. As soon as I realize that I like someone and start trusting a little, some how anxiety takes the best of me, and I'll push the person away. It hurts, true, but I know I'm perfectly good on my own. IDK, dating it's complicated to me :)

[@BoomShikha]

So complicated!! Eeek. #SingleINFJsUnite

[@charlesl4291]

I love it. You are awesome. "Some times we do fall into a relationship." It is totally true. But when you say that being in a relationship would "hinder" you focusing on advancing your career,. . . Come on, that bullshit. Instead of spending an hour or two every night self loathing and / or crying by yourself, you could spend that time having dinner and sharing all if that love that is just spilling over the dam. You would be humming "I love you like a love song" instead of Adele songs that make you want to jump out of a window. I'm mostly calling myself out here, but INFJs (yes I am one) want love so much that we just start lying to ourselves that the 95% of our life we spend alone is a good thing. No one on their death bed has ever said, "I should have had less sex."

[@BoomShikha]

Hahahaha!! I love it. Thanks for such an awesome comment. You are great.

[@jeremiahwilson3873]

Man you are giving away my secrets. I am not mean to people that I like but I tend not to make the first move. I won't push them away unless I feel that I am being played with. I know how much of myself I put in to relationships and I can't do that unless I know that they are willing to make an effort as well. And yes the quickest way to know a 100% if I like you or not and in what way is to ask. It is literally that simple I have no reason to lie. Great job on this I am really enjoying your videos.

[@BoomShikha]

Yup! I like how you said, you have no reason to lie. I agree completely. I don't need to lie about liking you, but I will never volunteer that information to you. :)

[@hitsounds]

+jeremiah "And yes the quickest way to know a 100% if I like you or not and in what way is to ask" - It's almost funny that we probably seem like the last person who would just answer this question and yet I guarantee if somebody asked me I'd answer before I'd even considered the implications - which probably sounds very un-INFJ like but there's solid INFJ instinct to being that open in this area I think. Was literally thinking this tonight funnily enough.

[@testimusicali6445]

2:06 says it all!! ""SH** SH** SH**!!!"" and start behaving in a way that totally throws them off and never know!! (but mean for them to run away I'm not sure about that...although I think I did that in my teens) But unfortunately obvious suffering as a result for the INFJ.

[@BoomShikha]

Absolutely!! I do that all the time. :)

[@ccmarie9838]

Yes... this is exactly spot on how I feel! You took the words right out of my soul! I try and explain this to my close friends who don’t understand why I don’t get in relationships and they can not comprehend it. Finally someone else that understands!! Thank you!!

[@BoomShikha]

Thanks for watching!! xx

[@marcus813]

Relationships have always scared me to an extent. I've always been OK with being single. Also, flirting has never been my strong suit.

[@BoomShikha]

Yes, I know what you mean. I am so awkward in general, that flirting is a lost art for me. :S

[@mokkori1]

I am never mean to a lady in the ultra-rare occasion when I like someone, but I will go hardcore into the reverse sales pitch pointing out all my flaws and weaknesses. It is an awful habit.

[@BoomShikha]

Yeah, I know!!! I do the same.

[@nancysmith8626]

"Reverse sales pitch" - ha! That was too funny (and deadly accurate).

[@hologenics1958]

4:07 Thankyou, this answers the difficult questions. Extraordinarily well enunciated.

[@BoomShikha]

So happy to hear that you resonated. :)

[@lifeisajourney.5006]

HELL YES!!! This is the video of the decade. I'd have to pay thousands of dollars to get this kind of insight. I pushed away a man that I've dreamed about my whole life. He was perfect (for me) in every dam way. The only thing left for me to do is pray that he has a clone in an alternate dimension that the Large Hadron Collider will release to me. He was that rare. Whhhhyyyy😩😔

[@BoomShikha]

Oh man!! I know what you mean. It's so foolish when we do this, pushing away people who are perfect for us because we are scared. :S

[@hologenics1958]

I'm in love with an INFJ from afar. I'm also INFJ. I'm a male, I'm grateful to witness the female view, which explains some of the complexities.

[@BoomShikha]

Awesome!!!! Good luck to you. :)

[@jf13919]

It's been nearly 6 yrs since I was last in a relationship. I had my faults in it, but she decided to walk away. Since then, I've been adamant with God that I didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone unless they would be my wife. I've even had times when I began having feelings for someone and asked the Lord to remove them if the person wasn't right for me; they were removed. I HATE wasting time with relationships. I'm not getting any younger and I feel like I'm losing time. Last couple people I developed strong feelings for decided against a relationship, I do feel like I wasted time, but not nearly as bad as wasting time in a relationship that would have gone nowhere. I loathe the dating game so much. I really feel like it's so pointless.

[@BoomShikha]

I know exactly how you feel! 😩😩😩

[@Freddyandhiskittyfriends]

ENTP type 3 I really like your videos thanks for all the great information on how to get my soul-mate I didn't think the INFJ was the one for me but now INFJ I need you in my life

[@BoomShikha]

Thanks for watching!! xx

[@Freddyandhiskittyfriends]

@@BoomShikha hey you're going to be the reason I have all the tools to get my infj so thank you so much I love your videos

[@supertouk]

From my own experience I push people away as a test to see how determined they are to really get to know me. If they can't handle me at my worst then they won't see me at my best. Of course sometimes some instinct tells me to just avoid them, which I still don't understand.

[@BoomShikha]

Yes, I do the same!

[@thedeadbatery]

That’s so me that if this video were a text, I could get confused if I wrote it to myself or not 😂 Thanks for your videos 😊

[@BoomShikha]

You are absolutely welcome!!! :)

[@claramercier7924]

As an infp I tend to act cold and show my worst side as well when I have feelings for someone. I think it's a way of making sure they don't get disappointed. Because deep down I "know" some parts of me are unlovable. And I don't ever want them to think they like me and then realise I'm actually a piece of shit. So I allow them to meet the piece of shit in the first place and push them away in some cases. BTW thanks for the videos. I like infjs and it's awesome to be able to understand the workings of their minds a lil better. :)

[@BoomShikha]

You are so welcome!!! :)

[@BoomShikha]

Also, no one’s perfect. Everyone has those parts that are not perfect, but we still love them, don’t we? So we should allow ourselves that grace as well. :)

[@linksrechts7614]

While I agree that some INFJs are frightened of intimacy, and have trust issues - deep ones... We must battle this in ourselves - we cannot close ourselves off from love - we must take chances. I am an older INFJ - I can tell you that while I'm not in a relationship now, I was for 18 years many years ago - Love and vulnerability take you places and helps us grow more courageous.

[@BoomShikha]

Yes, we need to be courageous in this matter, definitely. I am just not a good role model for that yet. :)

[@infjgirl3850]

“All of a sudden we like this person and we’re thinking to ourselves “shit... shit, shit, shit!” Ahahaha meeeeee 😂 In all seriousness though, the whole “being mean to someone we like” is SO DAMNED SPOT-ON. I’ve noticed I’ve done this a few times. I figured that the reason why I do this is linked to when I was bullied as a kid, and I feel I’ll always have this huge “LOSER” branded on my forehead for the rest of my life. So when someone shows an interest, I act out of character because I want to protect them and spare them the embarrassment of potentially dating someone who was an easy target for bullying (yes, even in adulthood). I don’t want them to be a target either, so i distance myself because I’m doing it for them. Also because of my low self-esteem (from the bullying), I also act mean towards people I like because I genuinely believe no one will ever be interested in me romantically. I feel that those who do show interest are doing it as part of a cruel joke or prank at my expense or that they don’t find me attractive and are being pushed against their will to pursue me. So as a way to protect myself from more bullying or painful/embarrassing rejections, I quickly reject them and find any excuse under the sun to criticise them. Ughhh why am I like this? 😂

[@BoomShikha]

Hahaha! 😛

[@uckBayNguyen]

Vulnerability is defeat. The pain of loss can be maddening to INFJs

[@BoomShikha]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@the719guy4]

I see the dynamics being a tad different for infj males/females. If you ladies like someone then you have a choice: you can either trust and allow or not trust, be mean and run away. Unfortunately for infj men, if we like a woman we then have to play the age old traditional game of guys pursuing women. Then it becomes a nightmare. We're naturally caring with everyone so how do we show this one person that they are even more special than everyone else? I tend to barely talk to them myself. I won't be mean to them because as a guy if we do that then nothing will ever happen. But the correct answer? Sure... attempt to spend time with them but then if we do that too much we come off as being needy. So we're supposed to try, act like we don't care, then pretend that we care a little but not really(which I'm guessing this is modeling the other personality traits or something), then when the time is right... who knows anymore? Being too persistent is frowned upon apparently now. Sending Rose's might have been replaced with Starbucks... it's a total pain in the ass anymore. Then you add in texting. How often to text, when to text, what to say, if they understood what you meant, how long to wait before responding back to a text, etc. THEN... because we're awesome at writing and now being forced to use text, we can easily wind up sending a book through text that again comes off as desperate and over the top. Sigh... to be a caveman must have been something... club them over the head and that's all there was to it. They say chivalry is dead. It's actually not dead. The only problem is that we just might be the only ones keeping it alive. Sincerely, The .5 percent

[@BoomShikha]

Yes!! Thank you for sharing this. It's indeed a trial for male INFJs at times.

[@adainjarrio]

Story of my life.

[@hologenics1958]

Thank you so much for doing these videos. You are extraordinarily insightful and I'm glad to know you. Your intelligence and compassion sines through.

[@BoomShikha]

Wow, thank you!!! I'm grateful for the kind words. :)

[@thiagooliveira583]

I am so obsessed with your videos lmao, I was thinking that I am an INTJ because I rather think and act logical than feel but watching all your videos I could relate with everything you said, the only thing I do is that when I can ignore my feelings I do ignore them lmao and, about relationships I do exactly what you are talking about, there's this person in my class that I really like and I do everything to make this person go away from me but at the same time I try to observe and learn more about him, and our relationship is so awkward because sometimes we talk to each other and sometimes we just ignore each other or maybe he doesn't know in what mood I am that day because sometimes I want to learn more about him and sometimes I just try to push him away anyway, about what you said that your friends didn't see what you saw in your ex is exactly the same thing that happens to me, because I see one person and they see another completely different one, it's so awkward, its like I am in a parallel universe lol. I am very obsessed with personality and obsessed to learn more about me and improve and evolve that I am stalking all your videos, and I'm trying to put your tips in action, hope you don't mind these late comments because this videos is from 2017 lol anyhow, hope you keep doing them because they really help, take care xx

[@BoomShikha]

YES!!! Thanks for sharing. 😇😇😇

[@SuperGotnothing]

@Boom Shikha dont know if youll read this. i found the reason for the "meanness" towards the ppl you develop a thing for, more often then not. at least for me . is because i want to know that their feelings for me are really for who i truly am . if they still like me despite me being a certain way. of coarse not being a total douche, just more like pulling back a lil to see effort on their part to reasure myself that they really want to be with me. i want to them to see all of me . or at least thats the way of looking at it that feels the best . .

[@BoomShikha]

Brilliant point!! Yes, that's probably it. I want them to know who I am at my worst and at my best, and see if they stick around. :) Thanks for commenting!

[@TheBananaDeanna]

No one night stands, long term, trust is a must, love matter"s, loyalty vital, bonding essential.

[@BoomShikha]

Yup!!! Absolutely.

[@robertbauman40]

I'm a 60-year male INFJ. I enjoy your enthusiasm in these presentations. Please consider my experiences? I consider that INFJ's need relationships and that we crave touch as a basic human need. Research reveals that orphans in Russia were void of human touch. When overseas aid agencies became involved that these baby/young orphans were clingy yet uneducated on how to receive that touch and showed distrest when receiving touch. thus when we are touched our INNER CORE wonders how to receive this touch. You say that when we like someone often we show them our negative side thus throwing stones at them. My experience is that we may show our negative side because our Intuition see's that they are not entirely NICE and because at that point we ivested so much of ourselves we don't want to UN-invest and/or BECAUSE we don't want to hurt even a fly we are hinting to them and us that our intuition see's the deeper IN-compatibility at that point.

[@BoomShikha]

Really interesting interpretation! Thanks for sharing.

[@hugmc]

Robert Bauman interesting 🤔

[@herbasio100]

I have been through this situation, where i find it difficult to let people interested in me enter my life.this is because i have been hurt by people that i trusted in the past. i tried to create a platonic relationship with them. which typically goes bad, because in my opinion, i feel a platonic relationship is almost superficial where we cant cant truly expressive our feelings. so i slowly move away from them or i show negativity towards them.although i believe that personality test can't define a person entirety ,i do understand that cases like these are not coincidental. all and all i find your videos insightful and will definitely put your words into consideration. thank you.

[@BoomShikha]

You are absolutely welcome!! :)

[@jamessherman8954]

3:35 .... lol .... I have been hurt and trusted someone I did do everything for them to help.. I guess nice guys finish last .. I am thinking now that I look back on it she might be a INTJ .. maybe I did not give her enough space to recharge... I have been watching INTJ videos also .. she seems to have the personality of one .. but I didn't put 2 and 2 together and figure it out until it was to late. Now I'm beating myself up ...

[@BoomShikha]

Don't beat yourself up. You might still have a chance with her, you never know. INTJs are pretty quick to forgive, if you give them the time and space. :)

[@Krendesh77]

Actually, I get this and I hate it. I genuinely want to be in a loving relationship, but as soon as I feel that strong connection, I think about the inevitable pain of the break up that comes with it. And as soon as my partner deviates from their regular behavior, the push away starts and I lose them. I'm working hard to remove this side of myself to hopefully hold on to someone that makes me happy.

[@BoomShikha]

Thanks for sharing!!

[@Dojidecodes]

yeah...i guess the same....i would like to share my story about being an infj (i think i am one of them )...and yeah..i havent dated any onr officially...but the thing is during my freshman year in college i was so fascinated by a guy ...he was an average looking and not so charismatic or charming guy for my friends...but i was so touched by this guy...i just stalked him every where that i could possibly find him...and i find him on facebook..actually i think i had a soft spot for him since the time i met him..well i liked him from the first sight itself..and we started txting and all and i didnt tell him about me liking him.and yeah my friends also knew that i like him..and i think we became good friends real quick..and aftr 1 year i got to know that he is getting married to some one..i was so heart broken for the day i came to know about that...but 2 days aftr and on the third day morning aftr a nice wholesome sleep...i was actually feeling like i am okay...i was wondering why i am not feeling sick or sad anymore...i am not even joking about this part..i could nt figure out that y am behaving and feeling so normal like all the day...i couldnt find a trace of sickness or sourness...i was feeling so relaxed and chilled out..and doesnt even felt like a big deal at all about that so called love for him being wrecked so badly into a one sided love forever...and yea...i am still wondering whether i really liked him or do i dont care about the feeling of love.? or am i just being so cold about the idea of a relationship...but yeah... i can guarantee that was the first time i ever felt so nice about a guy and loving a person so whole heartedly with out a single trace of doubt..and in the full course of 21 years of my life i havent literally dated any one..😊😊😀

[@BoomShikha]

Thanks for sharing your story with us! :)

[@fedor260]

Hey love this video, so genuine, raw and informative! Now I must you guys for some help with an INTJ lady I'm interested in - just trying to get to know her but how the hell do you get them to open up?? I just started talking to her online, she never fails to respond, but boy she gives me the least conversationally engaging answers and asks me zero questions about myself, doesn't even laugh at my jokes 😂. Yet know in real life she does and seems normal when we spoke in person.

[@BoomShikha]

Find out what her REAL interests are - I mean, real interests. And then talk about that. Is it quantum physics, or death and dying?? Dig deeper. Boring, superficial conversations don't do it for us or INTJs. :)

[@fedor260]

@@BoomShikha Hey thanks for replying. Tough cos I can only interact through facebook chat at this point due to lockdown but thanks for the insight! Hilariously, I'm (apparently) an INTJ/INFJ and I equally abhor small talk; trying to talk deep online is hell 😂

[@jayking5897]

love is an interesting topic to study as well

[@BoomShikha]

Absolutely!

[@Sionapink48]

Thank you 🙏

[@BoomShikha]

You’re welcome! 😊

[@EbedMNotus]

Like your videos.

[@BoomShikha]

Glad you like them!

[@siljealexandraonarheim4091]

As an INFJ-T 5w4.... (Somehow I think I'm the INFJ version of the ENTP becuase of the 5w4). I need someone to complement my brain and feelings as reflection about the things that happens. I could never date someone who doesn't see or understand what's going on. I can't go around and be the one who has to think for the other person and explain every little detail about how things work and why... No... I'm not gonna go there. If people can't see things for themselves, then I'm out and gone because it will never work. It's not just about the personality type, but the enneagram as well. I've been reading and analyzing enneagram and especially the type 4, because it seem so familiar with many people who claims to be INFJs... It seems to be the ones that doesn't has an actual answer to things, but keeps on trying to figure out how real something is in the depth (and other stuff++) and then overthink everything about it, but just gets more and more lost inside themselves. I believe anyone could do the same if they don't know who they are or if they don't have been through their inner depths, so they're just seeking deeper and deeper and then overthink from their own perspective. At some point in my earlier years(teens), I've been there myself and pushed people away. For the type 5, its more about the mental state.. and it seems still somehow familiar because I can't be the one surrounded by people that can't refer to my symbolism speeches (the function of using left and right side of the brain - using the intuition and being objective that gives a whole perspective - everything are connected and one).

[@BoomShikha]

I am Enneagram 5. But I don't know much about it. :)

[@siljealexandraonarheim4091]

Cool :) maybe we are the same.

[@racheldoane9140]

My close friend says I have some of the strongest walls he has ever seen

[@BoomShikha]

Oh wow!!

[@Steve197201]

Boom, this describes me so well! I have such a difficult time meeting people. And when people are nice to me, it's very difficult for me to open up to them. There are only a few people in my life who I can truly call my friends. It's no wonder I love animals so much more than people!

[@BoomShikha]

Yes!! I know what you mean. Animals are much easier than people in all regards.

[@Steve197201]

Boom They sure are!

[@robertallain8966]

damn , I don't know if im comfortable with this info out knowing that im an infj

[@BoomShikha]

Haha! It won't matter a naught, Robert. Because we are so complex, a little bit of information about us out there, does no damage. Trust me. :P

[@tariqo0o631]

i am an infj so i feel that is realy hard to talk to girls ihave acrush but i am scared of rejection what should i do

[@BoomShikha]

Every single person on this planet is scared of rejection - you are not the only one. But the thing to decide is - what is more important. To be scared of rejection and lose the chance to be with this person, or to try and be with this person. :)

[@Freddyandhiskittyfriends]

How should the ENTP DRESS too attract the infj?

[@BoomShikha]

Not too flamboyant - but we don't give a rat's ass how you dress, as long as you are kind, and you make us think. :)

[@Freddyandhiskittyfriends]

@@BoomShikha what can i say to a infj to open up to deep conversation

[@PaulRees77]

@@Freddyandhiskittyfriends I'm relatively new to understanding myself as an INJF but... In my opinion, if you open yourself up, show vulnerability in yourself, that is the way to gain the trust of INFJ. When you gain the trust of INFJ they will become comfortable with you, with your honesty. All good things should flow from that. Good luck!

[@Renan_OnLi]

Perhaps

[@BoomShikha]

Thanks!

[@jayking5897]

yeah i give my all in a relationship I say love is to be selfless. i want to put your "wants" and "need" before mines. i want to give you compliments every day so you can feel like the most Gorgeous girl in the world because you are and to build your confidence without you knowing that that was my attention. and to praise your body with gentle kisses because I value your mental just as much as I value your body because it is you as well and i want you to feel good I'm every way possible but that's such a vulnerable state so that why I have to trust you 100% and i believe love is earned everyday and created because like all emotion it is a chemical triggered by thoughts. so I'll give you tons of action to give you tons of though to make this chemical called love forever present in you. I'll show you everyday that you are loved and cherished by me and i value you but if you love me and want our love to last you have to be selfless as well and make sure its not a one sided love

[@BoomShikha]

Thanks for sharing!

[@hugmc]

Any wonder we are magnets 🧲 for narcissists . Lambs for the slaughter. 😱

[@BoomShikha]

Yup. :)

[@infjintegrityvsnarcissism7295]

Yep us and ENFJ'S too.

[@hoperansom6794]

im an infj. lets talk

[@BoomShikha]

Let's talk?? :)

[@hoperansom6794]

Hi Boom Shikha Really didnt expect to hear from you. Just kinda threw that out there for anybody. Thanks for responding though.

[@hoperansom6794]

Just coming to know about this INFJ. Funny thing is, if you are one, you dont have to take the test. you just know. I will probably take the test though. This answers a lot of questions about myself though. INFJ.... WOW this is so ME.... Just knowing that there are others like me who can undersand me is refreshing. I look forward to running into someone one day. Thanks for the video.

[@Neos4500]

I'm way ahead of this video. Almost a year ago, I had a crush on a friend of mine. I didn't do anything mean, I've tried something else. One evening I wanted to make her dislike me and told her about my flaws and what makes me think less of myself. Basically, I tried to destroy every possibility that she could ever have a romantic interest in me by making her think of me as some wimp or loser.

[@BoomShikha]

Yup, I have done that, as well. God, we are such idiots, sometimes. :)

[@verteeex]

may i ask how did it go? did she start "hating" you, or did it go well? i find myself having issues with talking about my flaws even when im in a "safe zone" (e.g. with my bffs), and frequently wonder what impact it has on others whenever i decide to show my weaknesses.. people usually say stuff like "i dont care", but i feel like they secretly DO care, and that im fucking things up...

[@hologenics1958]

Aw shit I think you're great.

[@BoomShikha]

Thank you. :)