Episode 001: The Effects of ADHD on Marriage I Podcast with Melissa Orlov and Judy K Herman

[@battfamily435]

This is 100% relatable. It's really too much to bear. I understand why people just walk away. It's not fair that the person with ADHD doesn't seek diagnosis or help and the partner is left organizing the entire relationship and family. It's like having another child. This kind of stress damages health. If they refuse help, then the only answer is separation and getting on with your life. If one can financially manage this. Save yourself.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

You're so right. You can't do for another what only they can do for themselves. Doing you is a full time job. Chronic stress is unhealthy and is known to shorten one's life. It's so important to nurture yourself because your life matters! Thanks so much for your insights and for tuning in.

[@salparadise1220]

To balance out your rather lopsided view - I'm ADHD, my wife refuses point blank to learn about ADHD, to accommodate ADHD, to try to understand ADHD - she insists that it's her right alone to declare when I'm having ADHD and when I'm not. She won't talk about it, think about it or try to see any of the positives about it. It's just a massive irritation for her and a very useful way, in her mind, to shut me down whenever I step out of line. For me, it's a decision between relentless prejudice and wilful ignorance, and walking away. ADHD does not mean the person with it is automatically in the wrong, or cannot be lived with. It takes the right attitude from the non-ADHD partner.

[@rick881]

In the event of the ADHDer not seeking help, that is a problem. I truly cannot imagine not wanting to treat it. I was diagnosed at 53. As soon as I saw things I thought were personality flaws, were actually ADHD symptoms, I wanted to deal with it. Finding out about the all encompassing nature of ADHD, I have realized my wife deserves to be thanked. She is not innocent. She has contributed negative aspects to our relationship. But she has helped me in ways I did not realize. I have contributed negative aspects I did not realize I was doing. It took some pushing, but she now does send me the odd ADHD KZbin video she has found. We are navigating this. I hope this makes life better. I will not accept being belittled over it. I will also not use it as a cop out. But I do kind of need accommadations in the relationship. Just as she does with her diagnosis's. The channel ADHD Love is a really good one to feel a bit better about making this work. I would also add that early on she was pushing me towards a depression diagnosis. I resisted that strongly. I am not sure If I would have been receptive to being pushed to an ADHD diagnosis.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

@@salparadise1220 thanks for sharing your perspective! We likely all have lopsided views on some levels. You are right to say "It takes the right attitude from the non-ADHD partner." In other words, how can we be at peace with our own and other's very human flaws.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

@@rick881 Thanks so much for sharing your journey. For sure we all need to give each other grace for the struggles of our human journey. Looks like you have a cooperative partnership around this issue.

[@OGMann]

My wife is ADD, as am I. So is her son, my teenage stepson. It can be ridiculous. The challenge seems to be the mental health profession has excluded the emotional content of ADD as anything more than a comorbidity. Put it back in as a hallmark of the condition and therapeutic approaches change. These so called mood disorders are not separate from ADD. They are part and parcel. ADD, as executive function disorder, contains the strong element of emotional regulation dysfunction.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Thanks for sharing OG. Yes, I can imagine it's rather lively with so many in the home with ADD. I use techniques of mindfulness and guided meditation with my clients. Emotional regulation is of utmost importance. Family counseling with the right therapist can be very helpful. The relationship dynamics matter hugely. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

[@ಟೆಸ್ಲಾನಿಕೋಲಾ]

Damn finally someone told about the BIG impact of emotional dysregulation ... I've been suicidal because of this shitty symptom.. don't worry,I'm fine now..

[@divergentmind2023]

it is not easy to feel like a fish out of water and not knowing why

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

@@ಟೆಸ್ಲಾನಿಕೋಲಾ I missed your comment earlier and I hope you're doing better. Thanks so much for watching. Here's another video that may be helpful to you. kzbin.info/www/bejne/bqSlgGyOirOba5osi=DrGlx-oXNnaPw54b Thanks for your patience as I'm working on staying on top of comments and organizing my channel.

[@nm3547]

@@JudyHermanRelationships 🤔 what kind of relationship dynamics are best vs worse?

[@katherineberger6329]

The thing that frustrates me more than anything else about having ADHD is the double whammy of "you are the best at things when it's extremely urgent" and "urgency makes it easy to burn out and then you can't do anything after the crisis passes."

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Thanks so much for watching and commenting. You brought out a valid point about the "double whammy." The urgency does make it easy to burn out. Having that self awareness can put you in the "driver's seat" when it comes to the "features" of ADHD. Your comment now inspires me to do a video about the value of deep breathing and guided meditation. For now, you may want to tune into the video I did called "3 Beginner Skills to move from Chaos to Calm." Here's the link: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mZOqZY15dqiDmtUsi=s3i11ezQnij71o6f

[@nm3547]

I wonder if you have a partner, who might help with managing the project/timeline, to prevent the double whammy.

[@skinney9542]

I was diagnosed today with ADHD at age 42. I am so shocked. This is so helpful and I will be getting my husband to watch this video. Thank you so much to both of you for sharing your wisdom and helping other people 🙏❤️

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Thank you so much for watching and commenting. I was about that same age when I was diagnosed. So you're not alone. I'm glad you tuned in! You're so worth it.

[@SukyiChin]

My husband has ADHD and I do understand the symptoms he might have so I hv to adapt and suck it up most of the housework and organizing the children schedules. Sometimes, I find that he will just take this as an excuse as a reason and not to blaming him. As he knows he has this difficulties and why can't make a change the daily habit. As a wife, reminder become nagging and not understanding. He always put on headphone all day and night, eventhough children and I at home. We passing a msg and let him know we don't feel good and connecting when we talk to him have to keep repeating few times as he is on his headphone. Most of the time he will just lock himself in his room and we hv to knocking and talking to him with the door shut. That's annoyed us terribly, we hv a thought of separation but we hv young kids so we are hanging there. Myself i feel like helpless as my family members are not here and my husband not really making any changes. So tired with this relationship, sometimes I feel like I think I hv mental illness too. Kind of torturing me. Haha. Any suggestions Pls. Thank you.

[@charlestiraco8634]

I really feel for you. I hope someone can offer you advice that works which isn't divorce. People with ADHD respond to having their backs against the wall, you know, when they HAVE to do something that doesn't interest them. This is the leverage you're going to have to try to use. He needs to have a mind change of how he sees the relationship. You were open about your situation and feelings here. Have you communicated this way to your husband? People with ADHD will never stop having ADHD. While needing understanding, they also need accountability. This will only help to get through to him if he has any empathy towards you and / or your children.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Thanks for your quick and helpful response.@@charlestiraco8634

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

My heart goes out to you. I identify at a previous season of my life. Please email [e-mail]. I'd be glad to offer a clarity call for your next right steps. I also have a free "Relationships with Purpose Toolkit" and am currently creating an online course that will be launched in early January. . . "From Chaos to Connection: 4 Weeks to Jumpstart Emotionally Safe Conversations."

[@battfamily435]

This conversation was extremely helpful and supportive. I relate so much to this type of relationship. We're stuck and I'm managing. Rather, I just stopped managing and let him figure it out, or not, and just take care of myself and child. People have to step up and be accountable for their lives and part in relationships.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

I'm so glad this conversation was helpful! Yes, you have a full plate when caring for a child and yourself. Take good care of you. You're worth it.

[@serenalinn]

I (F51) was diagnosed with ADHD last March. My husband (M53) can't relate at all and thinks it's an excuse. It's frustrating. I suspect he has ASD and that has made dealing with each other very complex. We are in marriage counseling but it feels like not having someone who really understands the added dynamics of neuro-diverse couples is hindering us a bit when navigating the things that make him crazy or hurt my feelings. I would love to see a show on a mixed marriage, ASD and ADHD and how to survive that.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Thanks for sharing, Serena. Feel free to reach out to me if I can add to the support you already have. It's perfectly appropriate to share this episode with your therapist or even suggest Melissa's books to include in your marriage counseling. I really appreciate your suggestion and plan to start Season #2 of the podcast soon. You're not alone and you are worth this journey. Take care.

[@lydialutz]

Thank you! I will now be following you both!

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Awesome, Lydia! I appreciate your listening in and so glad the content is helpful!

[@sheemakarp6424]

I wish this had been more substantive from Orloff, but she did refer us to her books & website.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Yes! Thankful that she has so much to offer!

[@qwepoi9043]

Thank you so much for this video. As a spouse of a person with ADHD this video was very helpful and encouraging

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

You're welcome! I'm so glad it was helpful @qwepoi9043.

[@lydialutz]

8:30 Shows up when you have kids...this is why I wonder if I have it. One of my kids is diagnosed with it. My husband isn't diagnosed but I feel 100% sure he has it. But for me it seems less obvious...I do struggle with several of the things that are seen in ADHD, but it doesn't seem as obvious. But definitely all the things associated with having kids definitely is overwhelming.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Yes, it can be overwhelming at times, Lydia. There are so many factors and relationship dynamics in a household while raising children. It's great that you watched and are curious. Take good care of you.

[@jennamartin-payne1653]

This is really interesting and I definitely need that book! When you mentioned about families with ADHD, my daughter was diagnosed and the rest of us have all been told by a therapist that ADHD is likely. So that's 4 of us! But we are kind of split by gender in how we are and how we compensate for it. My daughter and I are emotional perfectionists and the males are laid back about forgetting things and express emotions loudly. It's causing a lot of issues! We need a book about families with ADHD! If anyone knows of one please let me know x

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Wow! What insights, Jenna! I'm so glad this episode was helpful. I know that Melissa's 2nd book will be practical. You may already know that there are several books on parenting children with ADHD. Please reach out if you'd like some guidance. I love working with families.

[@Lynn-nd8po]

Thank you!

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

You're welcome, Lynn.

[@toddrhoten7361]

My wife won't listen to anything like this, and it pains me. I have severe ADHD and she just told me last night to leave and never come back. I am ruined.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time @toddrhoten7361 You are not alone. Do reach out for help. You have what it takes and your life is valuable.

[@nm3547]

💔 😢… wondering how things have gone now..7 months post. I hope you’re ok

[@matthewcallaghan1512]

I am ready to walk had enough

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Thanks for tuning in, Matthew.

[@nolafinn1009]

I agree. After 44 years of marriage to an ADHD husband. The only way to endure it is to constantly give a “hall pass”, not need any emotional support, be willing to do all the “ boring tasks of life, parenting, planning, dealing with thoughtless sabotage and constantly forgiving the lack of impulse control even when it puts the whole family at risk. It like marrying an adolescent emotionally and never having expectations or any needs of your own. People try to make it some kind of special wonderful thing as long as you pick up the enormous slack on the part of your partner. If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t. I feel like I wasted most of my life. It is worse because my adhd husband will not make any efforts. He seems to love being the victims with a handicap of disinterest. Just awful!

[@nm3547]

@@nolafinn1009💔… seems you’ve experienced it and tried long enough to know what you need to do.

[@jalalstephens7457]

Many dont understand ADHD and treat us like its made up

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

So true. That's why information like this is so valuable. Thanks for taking the time to watch and reply. Keep up the understanding you have and stand tall in what you know is true. You're worth it!

[@bobbib7986]

b

[@paulbudnowski]

Great content! But this video is not extremely engaging, which won't help keep your ADHD audience watching.

[@jennifer292011]

Maybe not but, it's so helpful for us non ADHD partners that are looking to professionals for help when having issues in relationships. My husband had ADHD, we've been together 13 years and I've known all along about his ADHD and his symptoms have always been in check bc we live a very healthy lifestyle (eating clean and healthy foods and working out, going to the gym daily) which seemed to keep his symptoms in check for over a decade. It was when COVID hit and everything shut down yeo years ago including the gyms ect...well now I'm seeing a different man. Went from hardly every arguing and being best friends, getting along great. No complaints! To now arguing almost daily and struggling to keep our marriage together. I never realized how much it affects someone's life, from the daily chaos and arguing to the messes and extreme mood swings. Oh my! It's much more than attention or being overly active. I've been learning as much as I possibly can to try and understand the disorder to ultimately save my relationship. I now at 40 years old have extreme anxiety! So these podcasts as so helpful....especially considering the information online is hit and miss as far as good quality information about ADHD.

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

@@jennifer292011 Thanks so much for your transparency! Your comments encourage me to keep up these interviews! I learn so much myself and I'm glad this content is helpful. Melissa's books are a worthwhile read, btw. Of course, I highly recommend "Beyond Messy Relationships."

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

I'm glad you liked the content, Paul. And thank you for your honest opinion. I can always work on improving as I continue!

[@serenalinn]

I have ADHD and I didn't have a problem. So much of what was discussed is what my husband and I go through all the time. Relative to other similar videos, this one is only half as long! 😁

[@jamespeirce2582]

4 minutes in, no content or information. Just one opinion, but it would be appreciated if a video like this was more respectful of the viewer’s time. Very helpful and informative interview once it gets started, though!

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

Thanks for your patience and suggestion, James. I'm learning to be more concise and certainly want to respect viewer's time. FYI, I often watch others in 2 x's the speed. I'm glad is was helpful after that first 4 minutes.

[@deanamyers57]

@James Pierce the intro and welcome time stamps are included in the chapters section so you could have skipped to 4mins by using that option 👍 just press more underneaths the video title and it should appear where commments go or somewhere. i feel is very respectful to peoples time and a welcome addition if you are searching for particular answers and can also help in sharing particular segments with others. I did DBT therapy which includes mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness skills and Emotional Regulation which i found very beneficial. @Judy Herman 🥰 One thing I might have liked to see is the name of the lady interviewed on the video title as it would help me remember her name and give a more personalised experience to the talk, plus it could help draw new viewers toward your channel through a search for her name and build up your scope. Thankyou so much for creating this channel, it looks very professional and i can see you’ve put a lot of effort into the look and feel of it all, great design work as well. I’m awarding ya hearts n stars 4 this little gem 💖💖💖 🙏 (((🐝💗🎁))) 🤲 ;xD

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

@@deanamyers57 Wow!! Very helpful. Thank you!!

[@JudyHermanRelationships]

You're welcome. Thanks for watching and commenting! Feel free to take the free relationship stress quiz at judycounselor.com