How longing keeps us from healthy relationships | Amanda McCracken | TEDxCU

As a 40-year-old virgin, journalist Amanda McCracken realized she was addicted to longing for love. When she began investigating the neurological, psychological, and cultural forces that get us hooked on anticipation, she realized she wasn’t alone. In this inspiring and informative talk, Amanda uses her personal story and research to illustrate how longing can become self-sabotaging and how to change your patterns to realize your dreams, whether it’s a relationship or a trip to a foreign land.
Amanda McCracken is a journalist passionate about experiences that highlight the intersection of wellness, travel, and relationships. Her work has been published in The New York Times, Washington Post, Guardian, Vogue, National Geographic, Elle, NPR, Outside, ESPN, and Runner’s World. The BBC and Katie Couric have interviewed her about longing. For 15 years, McCracken worked as an instructor at CU’s International English Center. Originally from Cincinnati, Boulder has been home since 2003. When McCracken’s not writing, she’s caring for her daughter, running trails with her husband, or editing her podcast The Longing Lab. McCracken is also a certified massage therapist and triathlon coach. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@coolbreeze5683]

Longing is another way to say "it's not the destination, it's the journey". I've been on a spiritual path for the past few years and have trained my brain to live more in gratitude than longing for what I don't have. The same way she said longing is like a muscle, gratitude is also like a muscle. You gradually begin to not crave the drama or the dopamine of pursuing something fleeting but can be centered and calm, cultivating and accessing that love within yourself.

[@ekennahutchinson1636]

Lovely summary

[@Lowdermoomoo]

@@ekennahutchinson1636 I didn’t do this intentionally, but I’ve always been kind of content and happy in the moment, I do have dreams, and aspirations but that doesn’t stop me from being happy that I have money and Gas in my tank to go get a McFlurry. To eat good food, enjoy my company. I always like to look to the future while simultaneously enjoying my present.

[@BelleLopez312]

I am thankful for the many kind and generous strangers whose names I would never know. It's possible to give and receive Unconditional Love from strangers. 🤷🏻 It is also said that it's the result of having Faith in God. 🙂

[@TilikaVispute]

Thank you for this comment! 🎉

[@treees8982]

What a fantastically cool, calm and intelligent delivery of a topic that is very difficult to talk about. Can apply to almost everyone in some area of their life. Thank you!

[@fido9745]

8:28 “Neuroscience says that our brain is actually wired to crave what we don’t have…that’s why studies show that our brains release more dopamine when we’re planning a vacation rather than actually taking it” I think a lot of dopamine releases when recalling experiences like vacations taken in the past relative to the realities settled in, hence the longing and its effect as well.

[@smallaxecoffee]

Amanda, I appreciate you sharing your story and your thoughts on longing. It's deeply interwoven into so much of our emotional development. Thanks for this amazing TEDx talk!

[@Fairy_Tales__Victorias_world]

I really enjoyed this video about longing and its effects on our relationships. Amanda McCracken shared her personal experiences and talked about how society can make longing feel addictive and not so good for us. She questioned whether longing is the answer to our unhappiness and reminded us to believe in our own worthiness of love. Her message about going with the flow of life and letting go of control for healthier relationships was powerful. It's a great reminder to appreciate what we have and not always wish for more. Thanks for sharing this insightful perspective on longing and love! 💕🌟🤗

[@pyre9294]

Longing to be nurtured tbh. This video hit me more than my parents did💀

[@MONARCH_FLIES]

“What happens when you find that you would rather feel pain than nothing at all? You allow your heart to hurt bad enough to make a change.” -11:11

[@NhiAronheim]

LOVE your talk about longingAmanda! Let’s hope it’ll go viral!

[@aaronshields8135]

that cross sectional chart, I teach that to dog owners(as a dog trainer), Avoidance is a pathway for dogs to be decreasinginly tolerant and more sensitive/reactive. To the point of creating mental walls where dogs appear fearful and may start to fight any attempt to create tolerance. Behavioural retraining is required to first become aware of avoidance by all parties, then block and or redirect the avoidant behaviour : interrupt , physically block/restrain from running away and relax into a calm position and or move directly into a different behavioural ritual. Food doesn't necessarily work to rewire the brain around anxiety. It sometimes becomes a crutch to cope and numb the anxiety. Knowing how to apply proper timing to food rewards is important. What we ideally want is exposure to the source of discomfort. To process the feelings of vulnerability, we have to feel close to it(not necessarily physically touching the source). It can be assisted through trying to redirect attention into some other action that at least requires your hands(physical movement) and enough complexity to distract the brain. This is generally true for dogs and their owners.

[@jdatu24]

im learning to love without the yearning nor the expectations around it, it's so freeing

[@Kate-mj9ow]

So true. What an eye opening ❤️

[@LogicalQ]

Longing for silence with which to fill with music… An empty road to venture on 2 wheels… an empty machine shop to bring ideas to fruition… an empty river to kayak down… To experience beauty and creativity without all the BS everyone else brings to this world…

[@vlrkst]

What an honest, informative as well as inspiring knowledge to love. Chapeau. Thank you ❤

[@jenniferwise3211]

Brilliant and moving, Amanda!

[@drevnii_sound]

wow such an interesting insight on longing! I'll have to think more about it, as longing has been such a bug part of my identity. And now I see how it can become an addictive neurological pattern. I long for love so much that I end up avoiding it, so I can feel a spike of dopamine again and again.

[@gillianlouise8207]

Wow. Me too 😢

[@reem3266]

I love this TED talk. A wonderful message that was delivered very well!

[@nourelhoudabey2956]

This came in time 😢

[@kgonzalez8098]

Girl, didn’t it just.

[@krishnashetty01]

Very useful one, thanks

[@meh-hair-Vaughn]

Thank you for this video. I could relate to a lot that was said by the speaker...

[@thespiritualhighfive1562]

She is ON POINT! These are the same things I realized. 💪🏾❤

[@vynasayyes]

what a beautiful message Thank you for sharing this with us !

[@H.art22]

This was amazing

[@BlekSheep_1]

I've never watched a Ted video 3 times back to back... until now. Great talk and delivery MRS. McCracken 🧠

[@ONahornyi]

Appreciate to talk about that quiet interest and private topic for most of us.

[@zapbutton8553]

Respect, thank you

[@nadeenfare9642]

Amazing insight! Thank you

[@pharmaNutshell.]

Healthy relationship is the best of the best ❤❤Toxic relationship is the worst nightmare even it is with your sweetheart😅

[@laviniasnow4494]

Awesome and important message. 👌🏻

[@debralondon2402]

Great video. Thanks for sharing

[@Aunty87]

👏 Daaaamn, this is what we all needed to hear❤ Thank you for cracking the code... I've seen these patterns in my life. I've been working on this and it helps to let go, knowing this about myself. So much love to you, Amanda McCracken!!

[@claramercier7924]

I am extremely far from being an expert but i think dopamine is more associated with motivation than "happiness". I don't think longing makes us "happy". And I'm not sure the fact that planning something realises more dopamine than experiencing it prevents us from genuinely enjoying that thing. I could be wrong though, hopefully I'll get some constructive feedback 🙏

[@claramercier7924]

releases*

[@CoachB3]

Amen

[@sandeepgoyal8670]

U can’t believe in relationships until u believe in breakups, take ur chances cautiously but take and be prepare for permeant breakup and parting and yes do stop longing hard but long innocently like a kid long for candies and yes increase self love and find other gender like seeds in your own, nurture it love it be whole first ( every man has woman inside him and vice versa) but still wish, wish quietly , universe listen quietest persistent wish first ❤

[@dhouhababa8876]

healthy love happens when we are not in a position of weakness - when we are not afraid of loss and when we are not waiting for someone to fill in a gap in us. Longing for the hero is an illusion , a mirage. it would be better if the person works on themselves and get rid of addictive attachement.

[@kayskreed]

Longing for the disappearance of fairytale romances tbh. Love exists, but it's hard work and has nothing to do with romance.

[@ava-jl1ll]

👏🏾👏🏾

[@vviimmi]

I feel like I'm window shopping for my next life, my currency is my presence and I currently don't have enough of that- so ill come back another time maybe.

[@meh-hair-Vaughn]

I really like how you worded your comment, "window shopping for my next life". I feel that's what I'm doing almost all the time. I keep telling myself, "I won't get all that I wanted in this life, maybe I will in the next..."

[@vviimmi]

@@meh-hair-Vaughn I'm glad this resonates with you and that it finds you well. Remember anything is possible and that through kindness you will attract what best aligns with you. Good luck.🍀

[@josephludwig1126]

I was born to early for her I hope she finds

[@anthony-j-alibrandi-369]

Rockin ! the One Piece Red 🌶️🎯 wicked Pissa 😎

[@ginacheselka6086]

Are you from New England?😊

[@anthony-j-alibrandi-369]

Word.​@@ginacheselka6086

[@anthony-j-alibrandi-369]

Nantasket Beach shoth Shore 🏖️🌊👙⛵🚤⛴️🚣 Boston Mass

[@kristinetank3959]

Wow

[@eleasebarrow7897]

How beautiful! I hope that my future daughter marries a man who has been raised by a woman like her-- one who knows the beauty of waiting and being waited for, and knows how to say yes to imperfect, but healthy and good. I hope to be this kind of woman when I marry and raise my children, too.

[@MICHELDILLIONS]

😊🤗💖🙏🏋🦁🦬🌼🌴🌻😊🤗💖🙏🏋🦁🦬🌼🌴🌻 So Blessed , Thank you Amanda McCracken , Romans 8:19 English Standard Version , Sons and Daughters , Chosen Ones , For the creation waits with eager , longing for the revealing , of the Sons and Doughters of God. Prayer for All : ,,,, Abba Father i belong to you ,,,, Bless you , Happy Smile 😊🤗💖🙏🏋🦁🦬🌼🌴🌻😊🤗💖🙏🏋🦁🦬🌼🌴🌻

[@MarieTheresaSemeniego-qy5nt]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@maximusdraco2199]

🎉🎉🎉❤

[@PinkYellowGreen2023]

There is no longing for anything this way!

[@TheInternetLove]

The word romance is separate from love

[@ekennahutchinson1636]

I've saved myself

[@sr2291]

Not me. I like it when the relationship gets boring.

[@snorrevonflake]

I just don't get bored.

[@pierrecameau176]

Ok

[@esds]

Answering the question from the thumbnail yes we are indeed. We arr fooled by it, by all this romcoms especially woman

[@mississippiatheistette8769]

so did she ever do it?

[@EmilMToft]

Everytime she said "you" it would probably be more correct to say "women" 99% of the time.

[@Robinators]

Sorry for her.

[@gtavtheavengergunnerlegend3340]

I'm not

[@craigmalcom6294]

so from the time she was 20 turning to her 30's. didn't she realise its been 10 years and she hasn't found 'the one'. and from 30s to her mid 30 its been 15 years. surely by then you'd realise waiting does more harm than good??

[@neocount6397]

Maybe adjust your expectations. If you're a 5, who thinks they're a 10, dont be surprised when the real 10's arent interested. Instead, either work on yourself or be realistic and you'll be a lot happier. I promise.

[@GunnyJacka]

Yes!!

[@nun-chan9433]

I suppose you should allow yourself to think being a decent experienced lady because of being able to speak out loud about virginity among many of maiden-graduated. If not, you can't help but being regarded as you had been boasting about ironclad defense which anybody dare not conquer like as when (4;41) you were said by journalist that I'm in a hustle stay away from me.

[@user-yy9hk9od9u]

She is no position to give advice on relationships.

[@gtavtheavengergunnerlegend3340]

facts

[@mariegreen8763]

You are wrong…

[@kodama44]

Boring

[@arealnaturalwoman]

I am based in reality and don't fall for this American ideas

[@Justadude1904]

Ted talk remains champion of pointless topics talked about by people who have accomplished nothing

[@_---__]

😂😅😂😅

[@celinelorenzo5468]

😅

[@jamesudom1848]

😂

[@priyankadeyray243]

Being selected to give a ted talk is the accomplishment. One opinion doesn't take anything away from her