How longing keeps us from healthy relationships | Amanda McCracken | TEDxCU

[@gemmini8389]

I need to watch this once a day everyday until it sinks in

[@deez4evs]

Me toooo. Seriously.

[@dr.radhavalaulikar3868]

Same.thoughts

[@carolrosa5314]

reminding you to watch this again

[@deez4evs]

@@carolrosa5314 thank you for the reminder to the OP. I watched again myself

[@saigie3908]

literally!

[@coolbreeze5683]

Longing is another way to say "it's not the destination, it's the journey". I've been on a spiritual path for the past few years and have trained my brain to live more in gratitude than longing for what I don't have. The same way she said longing is like a muscle, gratitude is also like a muscle. You gradually begin to not crave the drama or the dopamine of pursuing something fleeting but can be centered and calm, cultivating and accessing that love within yourself.

[@ekennahutchinson1636]

Lovely summary

[@Lowdermoomoo]

@@ekennahutchinson1636 I didn’t do this intentionally, but I’ve always been kind of content and happy in the moment, I do have dreams, and aspirations but that doesn’t stop me from being happy that I have money and Gas in my tank to go get a McFlurry. To eat good food, enjoy my company. I always like to look to the future while simultaneously enjoying my present.

[@BelleLopez312]

I am thankful for the many kind and generous strangers whose names I would never know. It's possible to give and receive Unconditional Love from strangers. 🤷🏻 It is also said that it's the result of having Faith in God. 🙂

[@TilikaVispute]

Thank you for this comment! 🎉

[@imtiazismail8034]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts- it’s beautifully expressed

[@AnnaroseMoring]

" You accept that no person, place or thing will make you whole" wow

[@devibhagwatiyoga]

Thank you. What a beautiful conclusion: learn to receive love, not to long for it

[@yy.unlimited]

"you allow your heart to hurt bad enough to make a change." 😮‍💨

[@madhurimadutta4122]

Listening to that suddenly vacuumed me into everything I overdid in the name of receiving love in the past, now that I embody it, it's so clear

[@anul6460]

😢

[@aurorarostenila6708]

That's why we need to stop longing and be grateful in the present moment.

[@nancybrooks5696]

So true!

[@fido9745]

8:28 “Neuroscience says that our brain is actually wired to crave what we don’t have…that’s why studies show that our brains release more dopamine when we’re planning a vacation rather than actually taking it” I think a lot of dopamine releases when recalling experiences like vacations taken in the past relative to the realities settled in, hence the longing and its effect as well.

[@maximumslap2687]

In the words of Natalie Wynn ("Twilight"): "Nostalgia - the longing for lost time."

[@biancly]

What kind of trips are people planning? My dopamine is defs a lot higher during the trip than planning it.

[@millie9814]

@@biancly Same, lol

[@Alexandraahlblad]

@@biancly😂😂

[@susanbingham65]

Absolutely wonderful talk. So honest. I have been a crush junkie for years myself. I am 80 years old now and much stronger and wiser, but the habit remains in muted form. Despite that, I have been married to a wonderful man for 55 years, which seems like a miracle, though the poor guy had to weather those “affairs of the heart”. I even went to AA for relationship addiction, and it helped tremendously. Again: thank you so much for this absolutely excellent talk.

[@Iamsenag]

this resonates w me a little too much as a 22yo girl who’s never been in a proper relationship and never even had my first kiss because I feel like I am scared that everything won’t be “perfect”. I’ve also just only recovered from anorexia so that also resonates deeply. Thank you for this

[@BuMohammed-q5v]

Same here! And the accuracy of her speech scared me. I kinda felt attacked! I know I’ve to listen to her multiple times till it sinks in my brain.

[@AryaRanotkar]

Even though I'm just 14 the future just haunts me because I wanna date but I feel like I would ruin other aspects of my life like my goals. I think that the relationship would cause me to get distracted and then I would just waste my time. I fantasize about being w my boyfriend and I have a perfect life w my goals but I can't imagine myself really doing those things in my life.

[@lukassobek4916]

​@AryaRaitvworks.imagine. visualize.notkar

[@leo-e5t5t]

you got this :)

[@thespinozaproblem]

Omg same

[@jdatu24]

im learning to love without the yearning nor the expectations around it, it's so freeing

[@davidfrey5654]

What a wonderful TED talk. This is so deep and so relevant. Very beautiful. Thank you Amanda. (and thank you for not blaming it on religion)

[@nhi8680]

This is one of the most profound Tedtalk Ive watched

[@treees8982]

What a fantastically cool, calm and intelligent delivery of a topic that is very difficult to talk about. Can apply to almost everyone in some area of their life. Thank you!

[@nancybrooks5696]

So true!

[@aaronshields8135]

that cross sectional chart, I teach that to dog owners(as a dog trainer), Avoidance is a pathway for dogs to be decreasinginly tolerant and more sensitive/reactive. To the point of creating mental walls where dogs appear fearful and may start to fight any attempt to create tolerance. Behavioural retraining is required to first become aware of avoidance by all parties, then block and or redirect the avoidant behaviour : interrupt , physically block/restrain from running away and relax into a calm position and or move directly into a different behavioural ritual. Food doesn't necessarily work to rewire the brain around anxiety. It sometimes becomes a crutch to cope and numb the anxiety. Knowing how to apply proper timing to food rewards is important. What we ideally want is exposure to the source of discomfort. To process the feelings of vulnerability, we have to feel close to it(not necessarily physically touching the source). It can be assisted through trying to redirect attention into some other action that at least requires your hands(physical movement) and enough complexity to distract the brain. This is generally true for dogs and their owners.

[@Fairy_Tales__Victorias_world]

I really enjoyed this video about longing and its effects on our relationships. Amanda McCracken shared her personal experiences and talked about how society can make longing feel addictive and not so good for us. She questioned whether longing is the answer to our unhappiness and reminded us to believe in our own worthiness of love. Her message about going with the flow of life and letting go of control for healthier relationships was powerful. It's a great reminder to appreciate what we have and not always wish for more. Thanks for sharing this insightful perspective on longing and love! 💕🌟🤗

[@valeriebarnett7956]

Very enlightening..needed to hear this. Explains why I scroll and 'collect' art tutorials just hoping... longing to be better Artist. BUT not doing the work. Light bulb moment thank you. I do hope many others listen, take note and go forward away from LONGING .

[@fishercourt]

The Rom-Coms we all watched in the 80’s & 90’s, were all about the chase and the main character was the only person who mattered. If you rewatch the romcoms again, look at the characters that surround the main characters. What do they all have in common? They all live through the lens of being the main character’s life coach. They do not have meaningful relationships and they all have one role to play, being the so called sibling or best friend that helps console the main character and to always support the main character, no matter how badly they are treated.

[@bill8216]

a revealing take; our beloved protagonist often quite a narcissist

[@annasiegler4932]

Except When Harry Met Sally!

[@drevnii_sound]

wow such an interesting insight on longing! I'll have to think more about it, as longing has been such a bug part of my identity. And now I see how it can become an addictive neurological pattern. I long for love so much that I end up avoiding it, so I can feel a spike of dopamine again and again.

[@gilly0518]

Wow. Me too 😢

[@anna-kay-dweight]

Do you see a fitting typo in the comment? a bug part of personality. Yes it is a bug. Let’s fix it :)

[@drevnii_sound]

@@anna-kay-dweight therapy is a great way for dealing with this bug ;)

[@thespinozaproblem]

I never know I needed to hear this speech until I did. I feel like I have lost a lof of time by longing for a perfect healthy relationship. But it is never too late. I can change the way I perceive relationships.

[@dhouhababa8876]

healthy love happens when we are not in a position of weakness - when we are not afraid of loss and when we are not waiting for someone to fill in a gap in us. Longing for the hero is an illusion , a mirage. it would be better if the person works on themselves and get rid of addictive attachement.

[@L-K-Jellyfish]

Patriarchy kept women in a state of social inferiority and dependence which is why so many of us are habituated to this state, and put up with so much.

[@LivinginCentralNewJersey-ep4bq]

I do agree with you about working on ourselves as I do on a daily basis.

[@snl92]

Yes, first a person needs to be comfortable with themselves, and be able to freely speak up their mind.

[@elektra121]

I agree with most of what you said. I disagree, though, with "healthy live happens when...". It may happen. But it's absolutely possible it does not happen regardless how much the person is in peace with themselves. You make it look like a guarantee: "do this, and then love will happen." This automatically says: "If it doesn't, it's because *you* didn't do xyz." And, you know, that's not how that works.

[@estelerundil4497]

We're going to keep longing for a hero to save us and love us unconditionally. But as long as we're looking among humans, we're going to fail. This is ultimately a spiritual longing which is successfully fulfilled by a spiritual savior. An ordinary man can sometimes approximate some of the things we long for, and finding one who does can be a very good thing. But he's never going to be the full version of what we're truly looking for. He's just going to be another imperfect human being like ourselves who needs as much help as we do.

[@wenami]

Nothing wrong with saving the goodies for someone who respects them and respects himself.

[@dalexfilms]

Of course not, however there are plenty of respectful men, so that is not really an issue. There IS something wrong, however, with being overly selective, (thinking that anything less than perfect is "Settling"), and wasting the prime years of your life, and all the wonderful experiences that could have been enjoyed during them. Read Lori Gottlieb's book "Marry Him!" She writes: "...study after study showed that we tend to dismiss people prematurely and for reasons that have nothing to do with whether we might fall in love with this person; and that those who are more open-minded and flexible not only have an easier time finding the right partner, but tend to be happier people in other realms of life, too."

[@Sheabuttertend]

@@dalexfilms Do you believe this is a sentiment relevant to and expressed by men, though? Or is this expectation to “settle” only placed on women? How many of these comments and the in-person audience members are women? A genuine question I wonder myself. It often seems like the baseline assumption is men go after and often get what they want, while women are taught that wanting for themselves is inherently bad.

[@kenroy916]

​@dalexfilms this is an absolutely perfectly executed and flawless response!

[@XRockgirl]

​@@dalexfilms "wasting your prime years" is subjective because everyone's journey is different. There's nothing inherently wrong in being overly selective if that's what someone wants

[@hannashbelledelosreyes4767]

@@Sheabuttertend Men tend to settle even if they're not truly in love with the woman they're with. It's for convenience hence its nothing concerning to them. Women however, they want to marry for THE love of their life, nothing less.

[@smallaxecoffee]

Amanda, I appreciate you sharing your story and your thoughts on longing. It's deeply interwoven into so much of our emotional development. Thanks for this amazing TEDx talk!

[@Mindsetolympics]

Really happy a woman is speaking up on this. Glad to hear someone being a thought leader regardless of culture, and standing on not wanting to give your body away. Because hook ups and FWB relationships are really backfiring on women it's ruining the potential for meaningful relationships....

[@Focused76]

I needed this so very much. No person/place can make you whole it can only create bigger hole that could ever be filled. Trust providence.

[@Prejuhs]

Longing to be nurtured tbh. This video hit me more than my parents did💀

[@ayushiagarwal7242]

What a brilliant video. Believe that no person, place or thing will ever make you feel whole.

[@ONahornyi]

Appreciate to talk about that quiet interest and private topic for most of us.

[@vlrkst]

What an honest, informative as well as inspiring knowledge to love. Chapeau. Thank you ❤

[@francescaserra2823]

"the anxiety that I associated with love"....so true!

[@swarasreebhattacharyya2664]

Summed up my life scenario so far. And it came at the perfect time. I needed this reality check.

[@eleasebarrow7897]

How beautiful! I hope that my future daughter marries a man who has been raised by a woman like her-- one who knows the beauty of waiting and being waited for, and knows how to say yes to imperfect, but healthy and good. I hope to be this kind of woman when I marry and raise my children, too.

[@MONARCH_FLIES]

“What happens when you find that you would rather feel pain than nothing at all? You allow your heart to hurt bad enough to make a change.” -11:11

[@yy.unlimited]

so profound 💯

[@thisresinates5655]

Weird. I went to the comment section RIGHT when she said that and saw this

[@floragreen6399]

I think this is the best Ted talk I ever listened to !!!

[@TTunah]

Agreed. Best talk, period, EVER!

[@Quraninfo2022]

Wow I admire you for not giving into society expectations for women to give themselves physically without a proper relationship. You seem like someone of integrity and hope you give us more insights into how to keep to the right way in a world that encourages the opposite

[@dalexfilms]

There is a point where "Integrity" becomes neurotic avoidance; she points that out herself. There is nothing noble about that. Personal standards are fine and good, but excessively stringent requirements result in isolation, loneliness, and wasted years. That is maladaptive and harmful; it's good that she is teaching people to avoid such problems.

[@soup41]

​@@dalexfilms I agree with you 100% being neurotic for the sake of false idols only leads to misery. There is no reflection of integrity here, it's why she continues to compare it to an eating disorder. It's a shame this point went over heads

[@FauziaPires]

No person thing or place will make you whole.❤

[@reem3266]

I love this TED talk. A wonderful message that was delivered very well!

[@vynasayyes]

what a beautiful message Thank you for sharing this with us !

[@genevaelyse1918]

I'm going through the same struggle. It's all about dopamin and addiction to love.

[@aleemanishat6847]

"So what happens when you find that you would rather feel pain than nothing at all? You allow your heart to hurt bad enough to make a change" Or you abuse that one thing that makes you feel a shred of something, anything to try to fill the void that opens up as you grow old. "The law of scarcity trumps longing" this was profound

[@NhiAronheim]

LOVE your talk about longingAmanda! Let’s hope it’ll go viral!

[@dianamajuma]

I think tjis is what Ive been doing for the past 7 years, I didnt even realise this . Thankyou

[@daemilee1497]

Learn to recieve love, and stop longing for it. Learn to be in the present, where you are not locked up by your past, and not rushed by the anticipation of the future.

[@mezmrzr5977]

Wow, my hair in my body are just standing straight up as I reflect at the end of the video.. I used to write these letters in the past in hopes that I could be connected to my Future well with love, kindness, compassion, and deeper understanding as to why I have to endure and experience these painful and sorrowful sufferings to learn and grow as a person.. I wrote it again in accordance to the ending lines as I understood it well and I have been reminded once more about life that we could never be in control but can only go with the flow like the strong waves of the ocean that is strong and chaotic yet peaceful and consistent.. By obsessively looking into the past and the future, I almost longed the chance for a healthy relationship and child out of my life. When we idolize a person or a place we’ve yet never seen, we create a bigger hole than anyone or any place could ever fill. We give it too much power. We cannot be attracted to a healthy and loving relationship until you stop longing for the perfect one. You accept that no person, place, or thing could ever make you whole as a person. You trust providence, and realize you are never in control. You learn to believe and trust that You are worthy of love and to receive love, and stop longing for it. I'm happy I came across this video as someone who is actively engaging in building and creating a wonderful, healthy, and loving relationship with my girlfriend, my future wife, and my life partner whom I most purely, deeply, truly, and passionately love.

[@falanfilanyoutube]

what a chance, congratulations :)

[@mezmrzr5977]

@@falanfilanyoutube Thank you so much, I really appreciate your congratulations!!~ I will pass your congratulations to Her!! ^^ We will meet first time in person this 4th of August to celebrate our birthday together~~ (: In light with your thanks and for watching the video, I hope you are doing well and I wish you all the best!! ^^

[@aesoowoo3432]

Getting to a point where the obsession with love fantasies is all u think abt was the worst part of my relationship with myself, it just gets so bad till u decide to pick urself up and do better.

[@gebronthomasson6960]

yes not just a longing for a past lover but also the unconscious anticipation of a future lover.. or even just the attention from, even if only words from someone/something outside the relationship your in, thinking THAT thing/experience will fulfill you.

[@BlekSheep_1]

I've never watched a Ted video 3 times back to back... until now. Great talk and delivery MRS. McCracken 🧠

[@ronniescales188]

Real Talk... Great speech !!! It's too bad that alot of relationships don't end like hers. Best wishes to her and her husband...

[@jenniferwise3211]

Brilliant and moving, Amanda!

[@braxtongilbert]

This is such an amazing gift Amanda. Thank you for sharing. I was touched by your bravery to sit in the fear and unfamiliar, and I am grateful for the insights you shared in this speech. Thank you!

[@alphaalignment]

you Learn to Receive Love n STOP longing for it . ❤

[@sandeepgoyal8670]

U can’t believe in relationships until u believe in breakups, take ur chances cautiously but take and be prepare for permeant breakup and parting and yes do stop longing hard but long innocently like a kid long for candies and yes increase self love and find other gender like seeds in your own, nurture it love it be whole first ( every man has woman inside him and vice versa) but still wish, wish quietly , universe listen quietest persistent wish first ❤

[@Kate-mj9ow]

So true. What an eye opening ❤️

[@avinashkaur1950]

10:32 never ever would have thought this way!! Woah

[@meh-hair-Vaughn]

Thank you for this video. I could relate to a lot that was said by the speaker...

[@ambermarie7204]

This is a much more elegant way of saying what Lori Gottlieb said in the book Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough.

[@organic.lifestyle.creator]

Well done! An important topic that needs more attention is leaning to receive love. She went from being addicted to longing to learning to receive love. I love happy endings!❤

[@peipoufanm2688]

longing teaches us about being in the now with ourselves and another

[@ZaraUchiha13]

this is a gem. Saving to watch it over an over again

[@yy.unlimited]

This came in time 🥺thank you Amanda 🤍

[@thespiritualhighfive1562]

She is ON POINT! These are the same things I realized. 💪🏾❤

[@Aunty87]

👏 Daaaamn, this is what we all needed to hear❤ Thank you for cracking the code... I've seen these patterns in my life. I've been working on this and it helps to let go, knowing this about myself. So much love to you, Amanda McCracken!!

[@pharmaNutshell.]

Healthy relationship is the best of the best ❤❤Toxic relationship is the worst nightmare even it is with your sweetheart😅

[@ckl5801]

Truth

[@justcalm3301]

I really needed this, I’ve been needing this

[@fangzhouliu3343]

This is what I needed to see in order to heal my own trauma. Thank you so much.

[@krishnashetty01]

Very useful one, thanks

[@beckylilly4749]

I am not alone. THANK YOU!!!

[@aestheticcine2102]

and something simpler to understand this is if you watch instagram reels of couples being in love with a lot of things that make you feel you want one, then you are not ready to have one. Love itself is not the projection of what you perceive from others' points of view. It must come from your own stable inner self. Still really like these lines from the song "That's The Way It is" by Celine Dion: when you want it the most, there's no easy way out;... Love comes to those who believe it."

[@louchieamartinez6878]

Awesome talk. Have not heard a Ted talk like this in a while.

[@laviniasnow4494]

Awesome and important message. 👌🏻

[@LogicalQ]

Longing for silence with which to fill with music… An empty road to venture on 2 wheels… an empty machine shop to bring ideas to fruition… an empty river to kayak down… To experience beauty and creativity without all the BS everyone else brings to this world…

[@H.art22]

This was amazing

[@MikeB-lm6yw]

Loved this one! So authentic. Thank you, Amanda!

[@AnaCarolina-vl4cr]

I really loved this. Thank you Amanda!

[@apoorvamahajan7576]

Strange … but youtube suggested this video at the most apt time ever. Great timing @youtube 😅

[@thelipikasharma]

Wow! This talk made me cry.

[@debralondon2402]

Great video. Thanks for sharing

[@marinaoc3996]

"I trusted him before I loved him". Boom.

[@cyberT3000]

She's so lovely!

[@raffacasting]

about the fligths you nailed. I avoided travelling to an amazing place hoping for the rigth moment. tool me 17 years

[@viktoria68]

Wow - wonderful, insightful and beautiful talk, thank you ❤🙏❤️!

[@nourelhoudabey2956]

This came in time 😢

[@kgonzalez8098]

Girl, didn’t it just.

[@MM-se1tw]

Great speech, very relatable, thank you!

[@martynamelosik335]

Thank you so much for your honesty.

[@barhawley123]

Wow..this is the best advice ..What a gift!

[@kamille286]

Yeah I think I needed to hear this for sure. I hope I can internalize this soon

[@martellemostert346]

This is VERY powerful. Thank you!

[@xxsnow_angelxx3953]

Her speed of talking is on point. Gon re read that article 😂

[@sparkle_w]

The most lovely video i ever seen and the loveliest lady ever

[@sensitivedivinity]

this is such a great watch

[@zapbutton8553]

Respect, thank you

[@Miracle-Needed]

How tragic is it that we are terrified to be noticed, but dying to be seen? REMEMBER: Just because someone gets angry/hurt/upset/disappointed/whatever when you say 'no'... Doesn't mean you should've said 'yes'! It means they have to learn how to deal with 'no', they have to learn to self-regulate. You're saying no, IS YOUR ABSOLUTE RIGHT, and in fact, it's your obligation to yourself! *** 10 "Survival Lies" You May Tell If You Have CPTSD: 1. fawn response 2. you start lying from very young to become socially included 3. story of yourself that is not actually true (you crafted it to adapt to environment) 4. lying to avoid loss 5. lying to secure resources/safety 6. lying due to shame 7. you find yourself in scenarios (due to past traumas) where it becomes easier to just tell overt lies 8. you lie after experiencing an emotional flashback 9. you lie because you don't want to have to caretake the other person's feelings 10. you lie because it feels nice to pretend to be (and therefore to feel) somewhat normal, sometimes *** 4 things people with severe trauma do, without thinking: 1. Obsessing/ruminating 2, Assuming our feelings are wrong 3, Attaching to others in unhealthy ways 4. Viewing ourselves as others see us (without them knowing our back-story!) *** YES, You Can Heal Childhood PTSD -- These Actions HELP: 1. Learn to emotionally regulate 2. Save your social/romantic energy ONLY for people who are available and who reciprocate 3. Get really good at ending relationships that aren't healthy/reciprocal 4. Choose friends who are working on themselves and are doing things you admire 5. Find activities/hobbies that bring you HEALTHY growth/evolution 6. ALWAYS ASK: How do I feel after I hang out with this person? Inspired/energized? Or drained and bad about myself? ANYWAYS, This will seem random, but... I need help I need unbiased advice please, if you're reading this, and you feel called to respond to this comment, I'm open to hearing from anyone who has something to share... I have been plagued with an awful dilemma I have been ruminating and obsessing over this for over 8 months now I had a therapist an AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL therapist the absolute worst of the worst instead of helping me and healing me he damaged me and traumatized me but I was too traumatized to do anything about it, at the time I basically saw him for all of 2023 then I KNEW I could NEVER see him again HE'S AWFUL but... he's also somehow wildly successful and I can file a formal complaint but if I do this I must do it soon the filing seems like a long and arduous process and in the end, it's his word against mine... I also don't know if I reap any particular benefits? except he may get somewhat reprimanded and I may get to speak up and use my voice I don't know what to do I must make a decision soon thoughts, anyone?

[@kris061000]

Wow. What an incredible talk!

[@childofjesus6066]

I LOVE THIS!!!

[@claramercier7924]

I am extremely far from being an expert but i think dopamine is more associated with motivation than "happiness". I don't think longing makes us "happy". And I'm not sure the fact that planning something realises more dopamine than experiencing it prevents us from genuinely enjoying that thing. I could be wrong though, hopefully I'll get some constructive feedback 🙏

[@claramercier7924]

releases*

[@channelschannel]

Very important talk, thank you, resonated a lot

[@vviimmi]

I feel like I'm window shopping for my next life, my currency is my presence and I currently don't have enough of that- so ill come back another time maybe.

[@meh-hair-Vaughn]

I really like how you worded your comment, "window shopping for my next life". I feel that's what I'm doing almost all the time. I keep telling myself, "I won't get all that I wanted in this life, maybe I will in the next..."

[@vviimmi]

@@meh-hair-Vaughn I'm glad this resonates with you and that it finds you well. Remember anything is possible and that through kindness you will attract what best aligns with you. Good luck.🍀

[@daemilee1497]

Buti nalang pala inalisan ko agad yung situation ko with him.

[@alyssalee1116]

AMAZING!

[@kayskreed]

Longing for the disappearance of fairytale romances tbh. Love exists, but it's hard work and has nothing to do with romance.

[@annatataruch]

Great speach