16: The Childless Stepmom

Whether by choice or chance, the stepmom who hasn't birthed children of her own can find loneliness in her role with her stepchildren and her relationship with her husband. Ron Deal talks with Laura Petherbridge, The Smart Stepmom, has over twenty years of experience, as a childless stepmom who has helped countless women redefine what it means to mother and love children who don't share their DNA.

[@FamilyLifeBlended]

For more stepmother resources: www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-today/refreshment-for-stepmoms/; www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-today/wise-advice-for-stepmoms/

[@MyLifeInTheDesert]

One major problem with being a childless step parent is the HUGE change in lifestyle. All of a sudden you HAVE to live in certain school districts, your free time is based upon what the child wants to do, or what needs to be done for the child-you’re no longer in a relationship with one person. You’re in a relationship with his child, and you are often dealing with a vindictive ex spouse who is jealous of you or hates you-listen to me ladies who are child free. Don’t do it. Don’t marry a man with kids. It’s too much work. The disappointment you will feel (especially if you had wanted your own kids) is not worth it. Find a man who doesn’t have children.

[@mamoo2737]

Super true. Been married to a man with a kids.

[@whisper7437]

That is so true, my husband doesn't seem to care how hard it is, the expectations on childless step moms from society is truly ridiculous

[@TchallaUduku]

How many of you walk with God?

[@vickyfaul3160]

I just filed for divorce and yes I'm a childless Stepmom but not by choice, I'm content with my decision, it was hard to initiate it but I'm looking forward for a better future with people who appreciate me, I gain experience ❤️.

[@EdelweisSusie]

This is SO true. Even if the kid’s mom isn’t around, make sure the dad will side with YOU because if he doesn’t the child will delight in driving a wedge between you (especially a daughter).

[@kelrah29]

At this point, feels like I'm the only childless stepmom...looking forward to whatever insight this can give...listening now...🙂

[@FamilyLifeBlended]

You are definitely not alone! Follow us over on Facebook for more encouragement and conversation. Blessings!

[@christinemullaly2581]

Youre not alone Kellee! Childless because my man doesnt want another child. It kills my heart every day.

[@kelrah29]

I feel your pain Christine, my husband doesn't want more children either. I feel like I got the short end of the stick!

[@samanthamonique7094]

I am currently a childless stepmom. I KNOW he doesn’t want anymore and it hurts so bad.

[@JanelleReneeWells]

(READ TILL THE END 😂) Yeah, I seem to be the only childless stepmom that I know so far too, but mine is by choice. My fiance & I have been together for about 15 years now & his daughter is almost 17, & I am mostly sure that I want to have one of my own (*"mostly" just because of my abusive upbringing), but his crazy baby mamma is so bitter & jealous to this day, that she even told her family DEAD SERIOUS, that she will cut my man's D off the day she goes to find out that he got me pregnant (her family even knows she don't take her bipolar meds like the courts enforced her to, so they warned us cause they were concerned. lol). 😱🤦🤣 Meanwhileee she had already been living in a whole other state at the time after already having anotherrr kid with a druggie, & them getting their kids taken into foster care numerous times & us getting approved for them each time, & her living in homeless shelters & stuff. 🤦 Like this junk is wild, cause we're ALWAYS there for his daughter & even the girl that ain't even his, but yet with us always doing good in life & the kids loving us so much, there is apparently a "special place in Hell" for my man & he's a "deadbeat" even though he's already months AHEAD in child support. 🙄 Got it...👌🤣 Shoot, so at least yall ladies' men still get to keep their D's if yall DO go to get pregnant lol, cause Lord knows we're going to need some prayers! 🙏💁🤣😂 I still don't get how someone can still be so bitter & petty for NO reason after 15 years, like get a life lady! 😂 This podcast could do an entire series on my situation, I'm telling yall! It would be entertaining as heck, except scary since it's a true life situation...😳 LoL

[@MyLifeInTheDesert]

Just because a child is in pain and is acting out doesn’t mean a woman has to stay in the relationship. We can understand why someone does something but still set boundaries in our own life and walk away when things are bad. I think as a society we ask women to sacrifice their own happiness to make children happy (even if the children aren’t hers!) and that isn’t fair. If you aren’t happy, walk away and don’t feel bad!

[@christinemullaly2581]

Childless stepmom here. In a lot of pain. Stepdaughter verbally abuses me and bf doesnt do anything about it. I feel like crying all the time.

[@kycrum7230]

I feel you, have step children and even if their mom is no longer alive. I still feel like an outsider.

[@MyLifeInTheDesert]

I hope things are going well - I think you should put your happiness first

[@nadiascott-aaron1074]

Talk To Her The Same Way...Since He Sees Nothing Wrong

[@lisanapoli6061]

Get out now. Send them all a message. He's not worth it. You and the step daughter will never love each other. This is not worth your amazing efforts! You have too much to give. You deserve better!!

[@lemaaboo]

Or if he’s just your boyfriend not your husband I would say he’s not doing anything say byeeee

[@beckkavenia3769]

I just took a breath I haven't been able to have for the past couple months. Thank you.

[@sandrah1779]

I can't thank Laura and the interviewer enough for this wonderful resource. Thanks for putting a very clear name to my feelings as a second wife and stepmom. God bless the two of you.

[@EdelweisSusie]

I fell deeply for a single dad raising his 11 year old daughter and my God was she jealous. She started and ended EVERY sentence with the word ‘Dad’ ie “Dad, are you taking us into town tomorrow, Dad?” and on one memorable 20-minute car journey to a different town she said the word ‘Dad’ 37 times!! It drove her Dad so mad he stopped the car and told her that he was sat right in front of her so she didn’t need to start every sentence with the word ‘Dad’ but she just feigned tears and said: “Don’t you want to be my Dad any more?” - and in that moment I realised she’d learned how to coercively control him just like his own mother had. He abandoned me after 4 years and I bet she made his life a living hell.

[@blackswan4486]

If he abandoned you, that’s his own fault

[@FamilyLifeBlended]

We are so sorry to hear about your experience. Sending hugs!

[@ashleynicole9423]

Wow so glad I found this channel and podcast.

[@a.carter2840]

I'm marrying a man who has two boys from a previous marriage. Its been bumpy because his ex-wife is clearly not over him and I believe it has trickled to the kids. This podcast has helped me to see that I cannot control the situation with their mother but I can let them see positivity from me.

[@FamilyLifeBlended]

We are so glad you have found it helpful! Praying for you, Nicole, FLB team

[@jadreneeporter6331]

100%!!! This happened to my stepsons when I first entered the picture 10 years ago. She still speaks negatively about me and it only affects HER relationship with HER boys because they are going to love me, regardless. Yes, there will still be conflict and bumps that trickle over in to our home because of unkind things she says to them about me....but just stay CONSISTENT. Love unconditionally and bite your tongue! It's so hard not to want to fight back...but your ACTIONS of showing love - even to those who speak ill of you - is teaching those boys what unconditional love truly is.

[@jazminforbes209]

This whole conversation spoke to me so much. And every feeling and idea I’m right there. I’m grateful that the ex relationship is healthy that the blessing in this whole dynamic 😭 omgosh thank you so much for this. I’m not alone or crazy 😅

[@FamilyLifeBlended]

We are so glad you found it helpful. You are NOT alone! - FLB Team

[@kelrah29]

Wow! My husband said that to me years ago! I was floored!

[@terrycoleman4572]

This podcast was 8 months ago. Me introduced to my spouse we are both widowed. He has a 15 and 13 year old and my son is 32. Yes !! BIG GAP😀. I'm curious about how this works. Open minded. They call me mom and it's nice but it's okay for them to call me by my first name but their dad feels it is disrespectful. Doing the work is where I'm willing to learn. I will follow you're amazing show. Thanks.

[@Jaylade]

Pretty sad after 30+ years your step kids say they won't take care of you..

[@kathleencarosi2343]

I'd be curious if you did one for the childless stepdad

[@FamilyLifeBlended]

Hi Kathleen, we haven't yet but keep an eye out. We release new podcasts every other Monday. Blessings, Nicole

[@teresagomez1851]

Hi there 😊 Love your broadcast. It really helps me as a stepmum. I have a question for you guys. My stepkids are sometimes abusive. How do I deal with it?

[@falsehoodbasher7240]

😱

[@hawkverity835]

Frankly as a Mother who has our child majority of the time,… I’m super upset about the control tactics,.the meddling and chronic judgement and overstepping, especially because I don’t agree with their lifestyle or behaviours there at all and I don’t say anything about it because it’s not going to change. I’m just glad they only get him for two-4 days a month

[@micahcole8257]

What do you do if you and your partner don’t believe in god? This podcast has some really great advice but it was very god centered which I can respect and understand for those who believe. What do you do when you and your partner aren’t religious? How does he get the eyes to your heart if he doesn’t pray?

[@FamilyLifeBlended]

Hi Micah, thanks for listening! We hope you are finding useful information even though we believe differently. For those that don't believe AND believe, we would also encourage the wife to try and help her husband see her heart by expressing her grief, her sadness, and her longing to have a child of her own that can’t happen. She can let him know when she is triggered and spirals into those feelings. Also, he needs to understand it can take years for her to work through those feelings and she needs empathy from him-not trying to fix her sadness-and extra love and grace when those feelings show up. Gentle communication can help you get on the same page. - FLB

[@charitynjeri7362]

How do I buy any of your books?

[@FamilyLifeBlended]

Hi, you can buy our books here: shop.familylife.com/products.aspx?categoryid=171 or search for Ron Deal on Amazon and our books will come up. Blessings- FLB