Five Minutes in Matt's Mind

[@brianartillery]

My late mum used to refer to the 'Births, Marriages, and Deaths' page in our local paper as the 'Hatched, Matched, and Dispatched' section.

[@thetasigma412]

I know that it’s been 3 years but i have to mention how utterly hilarious this is

[@meetaverma8372]

She was a brilliant mum 💕💕 RIP

[@gwyneddboom2579]

@@meetaverma8372 pardon for making the joke but has she now hatched matched and dispatched?

[@zyaicob]

May she rest in peace. Her life was a blessing and I'm proud of the person she made you.

[@katshadwick7061]

It's a CBC TV show as well (hatching, matching, and dispatching).

[@isabijl]

You guys should put a bench on a parking lot. "I'm Matt and I'm Tom and this is a parked bench" please do this

[@dragoncurveenthusiast]

Pi Rho I'm sure Matt would love this idea! I do.

[@una_10bananas]

Pi Rho +

[@helloworld4390]

Great idea, but to have a parked bench, surely it would have to have wheels?

[@mbainrot]

**Goes to the hardware store** "well that can be arranged" :)

[@pepperjeanne1566]

+

[@petemagnuson7357]

If you're too noisy to be a civil engineer, can you find work on an oil rig as a crude engineer?

[@flainYT]

yes

[@iluvearth99]

+

[@lauraireson6358]

+

[@pepperjeanne1566]

+

[@MaximNightFury]

-

[@MrTedjamable]

Semi-illegal, shiny grey-scale flooring business run by one of the Citation Needed pane exclusively for friends.... Matt Gray's gray-market matte grey matts for mates!

[@dasdaasdasda1047]

Slight correction, matte means the opposite of shiny.

[@clockworkkirlia7475]

What if the company goes into bedding, the new focus on fabrics (highly uncomfortable, despite being sourced from the Mediterranean) causing the flooring to become extremely ill-kept carpeting, requiring strong folk using farm tools to remove, sadly resulting in their ultimately pointless deaths, as broadcast by a pirate? Moot martyrs mightily mattock Matt Gray's graceless grey-market matted matte grey matts for mates! (Greatly-grating Graecian mattress mats might matter, matey!)

[@kildeer1897]

MYSTERY BISCUTS!!!!!!!!!

[@frustbox]

In German we have a beautiful word for this kind of questionable humour: Verbalsadismus. Verbal sadism. I think many of Tom's reactions illustrate quite nicely why we call it that.

[@micahphilson]

Games with Nic, For a true pundit, the punts are puny punishment. We live for your groans!

[@Neophobic]

theres a word for everything in german

[@ericpraline]

Ich mag das Wort

[@myladycasagrande863]

​@@Neophobic yes, it's "alles"

[@RainaRamsay]

Matt: "Speaking of which" -Starts unzipping his hoodie- Tom: (much more calmly than you'd think) "Blimey, what's going on?"

[@CoffeeOnRails]

"Well done for slowing this video down for trying to get some spoilers for Citation Needed. Unfortunately I thought you might do this and recorded my own voice later, I just went into the voice memos app on my phone and recorded some audio to speed up over the top. So, unfortunately, uh, you are unlucky, but congratulations, you found an easter egg, and uh I haven't got anything else to really say (glibberish) the recording I am talking to is about 25 seconds and there we go we-re all done, back to the video!" sorry tom and i have no life.

[@teuthida1657]

Thank you! Also, I'm guessing that there is "... I haven't really got anything else to say here, but I wanna continue talking to this exactly about 25 seconds..." ~ Another person without a live

[@fablungo]

Damn, got beaten to it.

[@allisaallisa-wr6vd]

+

[@Wheeze_NL]

Wauw! Let me take of my hat for you!

[@rikschaaf]

If I had a hat for every hat written as had I would have had a hat.

[@Nulono]

Those two jokes you teased but skipped are going to bug me all day. As punishment, here are two unclosed parentheses: ((

[@thryduulf]

))

[@asagoldsmith3328]

Chris McKenna (((

[@frostplatypus]

Asa Goldsmith ))

[@froggyjones6240]

)

[@ragnkja]

(((...)

[@MrSafeTCam]

Squeegee Board. What you'd use to clean a ghost.

[@LilyRoseGames]

this is amazing

[@timorgano]

Coming back to this, I just love that you can see a little bit of Tom's sanity die every time Matt speaks... Matt is wearing him down, and soon Tom will be a nervous gibbering wreck...Keep it up, Matt

[@AnimeSunglasses]

If "Socrates Cocktease" isn't somebody's stripper name within a week, the internet has failed us.

[@PantheraLeo04]

Because of Bill and Ted I will always read this as so-crates

[@nitehawk86]

so-crates coke-trace

[@BeccaMoses]

my new high-concept but very provocative drag king character

[@AnimeSunglasses]

@@BeccaMoses I'd go to that show. What other philosophers can we get in there?

[@juango500]

sorry mann

[@johndavenport2847]

A short list of everything that makes Matt laugh: Everything

[@probablynot8154]

Hmm let me think of something incredibly dark and probably I'm gunna regret saying.

[@yokowan]

*giggles*

[@docktorwho4793]

A very good one, Herman Goering's pencil drawings

[@lucky_u19]

I salute the people who would attempt to do the closed caption for this video.

[@atomicmrpelly]

I thought it would be amusing to watch the video again with subtitles after reading your comment, but sadly they are totally illegible because for some reason KZbin has set them as white text appearing in an off-white box.

[@ragnkja]

Press _B_ to cycle through options for caption background colour, and _O_ to change the opacity of the text.

[@atomicmrpelly]

Thank you kind stranger!

[@atomicmrpelly]

It's highly amusing.

[@FlexitCam]

@JinzoDefiler i agree, me as dutchmen has a pretty good english education, But those park benches are very good for social interaction, even after speaking over 15 years english i still learn everytime from them. I do some Subs for things you might not know, and hack it can be difficult. but its usefull!

[@tiltedtesseract8210]

A normal person has an existential crisis; A mathematician has an exponential crisis.

[@ragnkja]

Most of my exponential crises have been in physics calculations.

[@Northfan42]

Tom looks like he's genuinely in pain from some of these puns. Yet, he lets Matt persist. Good man.

[@mattandtom]

I've pasted the contents of my note into the video's description, in case you can't tell what we're saying! --Matt

[@amyjayne6950]

No you didn't!!!

[@mattandtom]

If you can't see it you need to click "Show More" below the description just below the video --Matt.

[@amyjayne6950]

That wasn't there before ;) Love you both! Watching these brightens my day!

[@thhori2727]

Park bench idea: trying to collectively hum the THX deepnote.

[@AMTunLimited]

By the way, they're called "word avalanches"

[@johnydl]

/me offer's a computer produced mathematical plot of a British comedian's signed medieval weapon That's an auto-graphed graph of Rory McGrath's Autographed Quarterstaff

[@brandonmartin-moore5302]

I would never have thought of this.

[@iiiiitsmagreta1240]

I hate you. Nice one.

[@tommoda9589]

excited for the matt and tom harmonising with a helicopter remix

[@theninjas2870]

I hope this will be brought into this realm and someone graces this commen with a reply to the said remix

[@nameredacted725]

I was eating ameteurfiteroles when i watched this. Sainsbury's frozen ones cannot be called 'pro'

[@petertaylor4980]

While I understand the sentiment, I think that they can't strictly be amateur if you paid for them.

[@Becky_Cooling]

@@petertaylor4980what if you stole them?

[@Heschoscho]

As a non-native english speaker, nearly all these jokes just go by me. Either because I don't know the things/people they're about or because they're mumbled. Still laughing my ass out because of your reactions. :D

[@samramdebest]

you actually got one ‽ I got none of them...

[@Heschoscho]

Got lucky on amateurfiterole

[@ltericdavis2237]

As a native English speaker, I didn't even get half of them. Even looking at them written in the description, cause most of them are referential. But yeah, I laugh at them just cause of the reactions.

[@hdef6602]

true x_x

[@Azeria]

I've gone through them all and tried to explain them, it's somewhere in the comments.

[@CanuckJim]

What about the theft that occurred at a small hotel catering sub/dom enthusiasts - the B&D B&B B&E?

[@thryduulf]

It the establishment were operated by a well-known chain of British DIY stores it would be a B&Q B&D B&B B&E

[@paulsengupta971]

What if they were taken over by Bang and Olufsen?

[@evandavis5223]

How about some role playing while waiting in a hospital? D&D at A&E

[@MaximNightFury]

That also serves primarily smoked, roasted, or baked pork, beef, or chicken: the B&D B&B B&E B&Q D&D BBQ at A&E

[@jettthorp9444]

See, the joke rolls off the tongue if we drop the non-E sounds. D, B and E are all ee sounds, so chucking in some D&D, or maybe even some with just an E sound to end the couplet -A&E- will do the joke well, keeping alliteration* (not sure that’s the right word to describe the same sound words) consistent as possible

[@ChrissieBear]

"Both of you." Wait, I'm not the only one?!

[@jonathanshaw6784]

IoKnight oh my god! I'm not alone!

[@StrokeMahEgo]

IoKnight it's at least three of us

[@davec8385]

we four shall stand strong

[@rchard2scout]

There are dozens of us! Dozens!

[@ltericdavis2237]

We are not alone!

[@BeastOfTraal]

Miley Cyrus's grandmothers yellow kerchief. . . . . . . . . Hannah Montana's nana's banana bandanna

[@brandonmartin-moore5302]

This is so so good

[@meetaverma8372]

Good

[@AJigsawnHalo]

That outro bit is mesmerizing.

[@froidesprit]

Helicopter: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Matt: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Tom: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Me: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[@unakamillasteinsen4817]

Anybody else who sang the third tone in the harmony at the end? 😁

[@MirNajJann]

Una Kamilla Steinsen me!! 😂

[@max-beckett]

Una Kamilla Steinsen YES

[@AntiComposite]

I sang the fourth, seeing as they harmonized with the helicopter.

[@LeopardAzure]

I couldn't resist xD

[@ragnkja]

Of course.

[@Nodus]

alternate title of this video: PerusingAParcelOfPoorParkPewProposals

[@andrerenault]

"You're just saying words!" Anyone else think that sounded a lot like Richard Hammond yelling?

[@MartynDerg]

"those of you who watch citation needed, both of you," cracked me up more than I'd like it to

[@robburgess4556]

I wanna know which jokes Tom refused to say :-)

[@elbowsbuns1896]

Same here.

[@jamesburgess3512]

You know, there's a city in Canada with an exhibit on the horsemen who were there at Jesus' crucifixion: It's Calgary's Calvary Cavalry

[@harrietriddle2197]

Catered by Calgary's Calvary Cavalry's Carvery.

[@zyaicob]

@@harrietriddle2197 i want to keep this going but I'm too weak

[@bradrolph44]

6:10 you did harmonize yeah, major third. always surprises me that humans are so good at finding harmony on their own

[@spacewarpphotography1667]

This sort of wordplay inspired me to do something similar for my friends every Wednesday, so non-sarcastically, thank you for that! My favorite so far is: Working together, Mr. Stantz, Mr. Charles, and the girlfriend of an explosiphilic filmmaker have harnessed the power of deadly sea creatures to produce a weapon to conquer the world. It's... Ray, Ray, and Bay's bae's electric ray ray!

[@MicroBlogganism]

Matt Gray's grey matter memos

[@westlifejjfan]

MicroBlogganism or 'what's the matter with Matt Gray's grey matter. Or the material in Matt Gray's grey matter 😀

[@lillyapidastra8759]

Cara Watson Tom Scott describing this episode to his future son: 'Fey natters on matters on Matt Gray's grey matter, son!'

[@stumbling]

May Matt Gray's grammatical grey matter matters matter?

[@alleeum]

Wonderful, all of these!

[@frederikhansen3813]

Five minutes of Matt laughing hysterically and Tom saying "No!! Not doing that!!"

[@DrawCuriosity]

I think Matt and I are on a very similar wavelength, I also find most things amusing! 😂

[@Big-The-Dave]

A traffic warden at the Jedi temple on Coruscant: "Darth Vader's Alma Mater Meter Maid"

[@skevoid]

Clearly it should have been "Burt Bach-Sack-and-Crack-arach"

[@deeelmore4560]

skevoid YES. CORRECT.

[@arthurhenriqued.a.ribeiro2078]

Or maybe Burt Crackarach's Back Bach and Sack and Burt Back-a-Crack Bacharach and Sack

[@fanaticalpotato]

Squat and Haggard _do_ sound like detectives! I'm also quite glad Tom went for a major harmony there.

[@micahphilson]

This sort of thing goes on in my head all the time. Though I more often have perfect song, band, or album titles. "Programmed Hypocrisy", "Seeing a mushroom in the clouds", "Afterlife Support", and "Last Man Ständig" (ständig is german for "constantly") are some of my absolute favorites.

[@ArrangedNoiseFan]

5:19 “I see you’ve tried to slow this video down to spoil citation needed. Unfortunately, I thought you might do this. And I recorded my own voice...? (Unintelligible)”

[@welcoe]

"Well done, slowing this video down to try and get some spoilers for Citation Needed. Unfortunately, I thought you might do this, and recorded my own voice later, uh, just into my phone on a voicemail of that to provide some plausible audio to speed up over the top. So unfortunately, you are unlucky but congratulations you found an easter egg. Uh, haven't got anything else to say here but I'm gonna continue talking to this cause I actually need about 25 seconds there we go and we're all done, back to the video."

[@JoeBleasdaleReal]

You have won a stretchy piece of cord used by a member of the clergy: *Vicar elastic.*

[@aspidoscelis]

Few titles inspire such dread, yet anticipation.

[@SonOfFurzehatt]

These two must be fans of I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue. "This week's prize is sure to delight fans of Chinese food and handicrafts. It's this lovely set of knitting noodles." "This week's prize is guaranteed to keep any housewife warm in bed. It's this electric Blunkett."

[@balrogdahomie]

Matt seems like the best kind of friend.

[@PaganSamurai]

Congratulations, you win a pair of pants made of juice pouches, covered in symbols to the Egyptian beetle god - Khepri's Capri-Sun Capris.

[@biiianciii888]

Matt is me making puns and Tom is all of my friends collectivly sighing

[@traisjames2]

I absolutely love the jokes at the end of Citation Needed.

[@diffjuns323]

While I was trying to fall asleep the other night I was struck with "Lorem Ipsum Salts"

[@tannerwatson7023]

Tom you're awesome your main channel is very interesting and then when you bring Matt into it, it becomes funny and just fun to watch

[@borismatesin]

It took me THIS LONG to realize "Burt Bacharach's back, crack and sack" has the same meter and accents as "Chim-chiminey, Chim-chiminey, Chim-Chim-Cher-ee". I don't know what to do with that information, really.

[@kat369-mine]

The helicopter harmonizing at the end was awesome. And your minds bouncing off each other like that is what makes you two so funny. So we may have 5mins in Matt's mind, but also 5mins of seeing Tom's reflection. Reflection not copy. The mirror warps and bends light creating something new by combining 2other things.

[@LetsTryVlogging365]

Matt you should tweet the ones Tom said no to!!! Up vote this if you think he should!

[@morthoton7789]

When you have a friend like Matt xD Then again nice harmonization at the end 10/10

[@leapoffaith20]

"Good, wonderful" That was really the only reaction you could've given.

[@GryphLane]

Japanese rice wine made for a vulpine. For Fox Saké.

[@MasterHigure]

I always liked the characterisation of Ghandi as a "super callussed fragile mystic hexed by halitosis".

[@Gilgwathir]

Now I have knots in my speech center neurons from trying to pronounce these things. +unnamedculprit I love this. I annoy the crap out of my friends with stuff like this too =)

[@infrabread]

Sees title: "5 minutes in Matt's mind". Sees video length: 6:28.

[@hullinstruments]

Pretty sure this is my favorite video on either one of y’all‘s channels. And it proves the theory that yes opposites attract… Regarding both couples and friends. I love you Matt, and I like you Tom.

[@requiembeeblebroxx]

Helicopter duet: best ending to a Park Bench video?

[@comradegeneralvladimirpoot1313]

The inner machinations of Matt's mind are an enigma.

[@maxximumb]

A psychic window cleaner's squeegee board?

[@WryAun]

I really hope one day when Tom's made it big he'll come back and tell us about these jokes he cut Because he thought they'd damage his career

[@ricardoquerubin3962]

You saying Tom hasn't already made it big?

[@WryAun]

@@ricardoquerubin3962 he could go bigger

[@AmySoyka]

The colour of a dull tin roof and a male cat in a kilt = Matt Gray and Tom Scott.

[@AFN2750]

If I spent five minutes in Matt’s mind, I feel like I would be scarred for life

[@xyzcoordinates9486]

I think "Surf, Turf, and Birth" is just surf-and-turf with an egg.

[@micahphilson]

Opium-oblivious oscillating ocelots obfuscate Omaha Orpheum outdoor opera operations. My family came up with that one day at lunch. I've actually forgotten about half of it!

[@woodgreener]

Die Hard villain flattening Tony Stark's Charged Particles? Jeremy Irons irons Iron Man's ions.

[@Longquark]

Matt says "Scraping the barrel of park bench ideas" but I honestly think this is one of the best ones :D my mind kind-of has a way with words like Matt's so it's inspirational also that aircraft harmonization

[@Zooooch1989]

So I'm binge watching this series,and I keep catching myself saying "they aren't sitting six feet apart!"

[@johnno4127]

I'm so glad there's a new Citation Needed in the works!

[@InsideInterpreting]

Tom should go into the microwave meals business and sell Tom Scott Hotpot. Matt should design yoga furniture for IKEA so he can sell Matt's Flat Pack Back Mat.

[@markmcmillan1146]

Don't worry guys, I sang the fifth.

[@FTE99699]

haha "I'm not sharing that one!"... jump cut: Matt tried anyways :D

[@ThelifeofLauren]

Definitely started harmonizing with them at the end.

[@MetaBloxer]

"Those of you who watch Citation Needed, both of you..." It took me 10 seconds to get that joke, but it was worth it.

[@tempest_dawn]

Gave you guys a thumbs up just for that lovely harmony at the end.

[@MrJoecordo]

my brain has been doing this with words my whole life......for instance, there's a trade show for folks who live in adobe igloos to show off their psychedelic drugs..... the "Mexican Eskimo Mescaline Expo"

[@datenegassie]

I didn't slow down the video to get spoilers for citation needed, I already suspected you would put something else in the sped-up part and wanted to hear what that is :P

[@12799MaDeuce]

"For fucks sake" is actually a t-shirt made by @AbroadinJapan

[@Funzo2000]

I have to say as a person who is often referred to as a "dick" for being extremely critical of everything. Both Tom's main channel and Matt and Tom make up a very large proportion of the videos I have ever liked on KZbin. Love you Tom and Matt :)

[@d3str0i3r]

friendship goals

[@therese294776]

Necessity of avoiding Citation Needed spoilers = more Citation Needed in the offing. This makes me so, so happy.

[@PQRDG]

So glad to come to this five years later and stay until the end of the video

[@moongirl26]

I love Matt's giggle!

[@kathyh8047]

i just love how done tom is lmao

[@harrystone6852]

Matt is the best human being

[@NinF37]

I love Matt’s laugh, it just makes me smile

[@alyburr6645]

Tom Scott claims he can't sing and yet he can harmonize with a overflying helicopter no problem xD

[@TheDarklingWolf]

Hey Tom, there are literally several of us watching Citation Needed. Several!

[@Bagofnowt]

A shooting at a prestigious awards ceremony Pulitzer prize bullet surprise

[@carahenney626]

I had "Moany Marconi's Malformed Macaroni" pop into my head earlier.

[@tess77262]

Matt giggling always makes me happy

[@morganzola]

the auto generated subtitles think that this show is Emma and John's park bench :)

[@samdibb1786]

my brain works like that too so was laughing for the entire 6 mins

[@RossCampbell1992]

The helicopter humming should be used as an intro sound.

[@burdizdawurd1516Official]

Party in the cab of a 225? Too bad that can't be on the point of 521 is the party train

[@KohuGaly]

wait a minute... is this the confirmation of the theory that Matt attended Hogwards and and managed to cheat his way to last semester simply by impersonating crazy wizard so convincingly?

[@ragnkja]

The only evidence I can think of against this hypothesis is that I don't think his favourite subject, _Design and Technology_, has ever been taught at Hogwarts.

[@KohuGaly]

OR after he dropped out they tried to cover up the fact that the subjectwas ever in curriculum as part of a greater conspiracy against him.

[@q9968]

Matt is a memetic hazard

[@really-quite-exhausted]

I misread this as "Matt is a magnetic lizard" 😂

[@Baar]

instinctively harmonized with that last part...