FIVE MYTHS about DYSFUNCTIONAL Family SCAPEGOATING

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PLEASE NOTE: This video discusses scapegoating in DYSFUNCTIONAL family systems where the pathological FAMILY PROJECTIVE IDENTIFICATION PROCESS is fueling the scapegoating abuse. This process is an UNCONSCIOUS systemic defense mechanism and similar to a shared group psychosis. Recovering from family scapegoating abuse (FSA) is difficult enough - don't let it become even harder by believing in one or more of these five myths. For example, scapegoating can happen in ANY dysfunctional family system, not just a narcissistic one. Specifically: *In a dysfunctional (versus narcissistic) family system, scapegoating can by driven by the insidious and unconscious systemic defense mechanism known as the 'Family Projective Identification Process' (which is similar to a shared family 'psychosis') - This is especially likely when there is unrecognized systemic anxiety and intergenerational trauma. Alternatively, in narcissistic family systems, the scapegoating behaviors are likely conscious and intentional. * See my pinned comment for more information about the 'Family Projective Identification Process'. See Trigger warning, below. ✅ Check out my best-selling book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' on Amazon amzn.to/3sEaqcx or via this Universal Buy Link: books2read.com/intro2fsa
🔥TRIGGER WARNING: If you feel triggered watching this video or reading the comments, turn it off and perhaps return to it at another time or consult a licensed Mental Health professional.
0:00 - Intro
0:50 - Myth One: Regarding types of families scapegoating occurs in.
1:10 - Why scapegoating can happen in ANY dysfunctional family.
2:38 - Myth Two: Regarding family awareness of their harmful behaviors.
3:15 - The insidious Family Projective Identification Process that fuels scapegoating behaviors.
4:20 - Your family may really believe you're the problem when you're the 'Identified' Patient'.
5:50 - Myth Three: Regarding family therapy and family scapegoating abuse (FSA).
7:30 - Why family therapy can potentially harm/re-traumatize the scapegoated family member.
7:50 - The conditions that should be established before participating in family therapy.
8:08 - Myth Four: Regarding needing family to recognize (and apologize) for abuse.
9:25 - Why dysfunctional family members are unlikely to own their part
11:00 - Why going 'no contact' may be the FSA adult survivor's only choice if they want to heal.
11:18 - Myth Five: Regarding self-help books and recovering from FSA.
12:08 - FSA, Complex Trauma (C-PTSD) and trauma-informed care.
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🔥 COPYRIGHT NOTICE: My videos focus exclusively on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my academic and clinical research. THESE VIDEOS ARE COPYRIGHTED AND CANNOT BE SAMPLED AND USED FOR OTHER PURPOSES.
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Copyright 2022 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved
#scapegoating #narcissisticfamily #selfhelp #selfhelpbook #narcissisticabusesurvivor #toxicfamily

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.

[@cocomarch8019]

Must say your video is amazing and timely, after 53years of severe trauma I had given up, contemplating ending it the wrong way today, I had just layed down with hopeless painful tears . Then turned on my phone for distraction finding you. I knew immediately I needed to learn all about this, I turned on cc and took 2 pages of quoted notes. Can't believe I've never heard of this before, so what you're doing is important for so many. Thank you, you saved a life today.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@cocomarch8019 thank you for letting me know and please do not give up hope, ever! You will want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - and you may want to get assessed for complex trauma as well (I list symptoms of FSA and complex trauma in my book). More videos are coming, hope to shoot one tonight, so please subscribe and tap the notification bell so you get notified when I post it here. I also have free articles on my website, visit scapegoatrecovery.com/blog. "Believe nothing - Entertain possibilities" - healing from FSA IS POSSIBLE. Also, here is the link for the international suicide hotline: www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html. I do hope you will also reach out for professional help from a trauma-informed therapist who understands family systems - I say more about this in my book.

[@nancysoles6047]

Do you accept clients via internet? I’m seeing a counselor who has no idea what this is and I’d like to see you instead.

[@nancysoles6047]

And I’ve read your book. Outstanding! How can I help get the word out?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@nancysoles6047 ​I do work online doing FSA adult survivor coaching. At this time I am semi-retired and focusing now on building an international FSA psycho-education presence for both adult survivors and clinicians. I do have a waiting list - you can get more information about my FSA Recovery Coaching services at scapegoatrecovery.com/coaching. It could be up to a year wait, but something could open up sooner. You can also ask your therapist to read my book - they may be open to it; many are, and in fact many therapists reach out for my coaching services!

[@catherinegosse7935]

58 year old, knew i was being scapegoated by my family but no one understood this concept. So I began to believed I WAS CRAZY! My life has been hell. I have blocked all family members and unfortunately, I recently had to block my eldest son. He is hanging around my sister and has picked up this family dynamic. Was feeling so bad from our last conversation, I thought about killing myself. I am so relieved to know that this abuse is finally coming to light! I have lived this for so long. Always believing everything was my fault, that I'm not good enough and never will be, and that I needed help not them. Just having someone clearly describe how I feel has my mind blown!!! I am thankful I am getting help and have found this channel!!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Catherine, I am so sorry you went through this, but very glad you found my new channel. Please also visit my website and blog at scapegoatrecovery.com and scapegoatrecovery.com/blog. You will also benefit from reading my research-based book on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. I will have a new video out very soon, I have MANY things to talk about when it comes to FSA. Please do subscribe to this channel if you haven't already and tap the notification bell to be notified of my videos when they are released. Thank you for your comment!

[@catherinegosse7935]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Just that this abuse had come out into the open, has lifted the heavy burden of carrying around the load!!! Thanks so much!!!

[@christar9527]

Sadly they convince us that we are the crazy, bad ones in the family and it often leads us to become suicidal. I’ve heard that they will turn our own children against us too. I never had any children so I just learned that. When we find out what has actually been happening it is mind blowing because it’s so different than we’ve been brainwashed to believe. What we learn is that none of it was our fault. I found out and it opened up a whole new world for me and I felt that I was finally freed from a lifelong prison sentence. Hang in there as you learn the truth and heal.

[@HoneyBadger80886]

Same here. I felt crazy. I am not crazy. I have moved on . And I'm reprogramming my brain away from the family abuse I endured.

[@norxgirl1]

Hugs! I attempted when I was 15. I just turned 66. I have understood since I was 14, in 1970, that I was being scapegoated, as my childhood psychiatrist said he was the family scapegoat as well. The Recovery Movement came to middle Tennessee in the late 1980s and I was able to make more sense of the Dysfunctional Family Unit then. One of my SILs is the family scapegoat. I have pointed this out to my husband. She is 8 years younger than I am and basically total care at this point. Too many ACEs - Adverse Childhood Events, and she has finally succumbed. My opinion - her family of origin, especially her mother, has successfully murdered her soul. Now my MIL is seeking other victims. These narcs, or whatever you want to call them, are not happy unless they are destroying others. Demonic.....

[@whitehorse3828]

I am 67 years old and it has taken me that long to put all the pieces of the scapegoat puzzle together. Plus the fact that my alcoholic father sexually abused me starting at age 3. Go NO CONTACT and realize that you, meaning the scapegoat are a lot more mentally healthy than the family that accuses and demeans you! They HATE that you are the truth teller, that you are of the light, that you are really the strong one. They are threatened by you!! CLAIM YOUR POWER AND LIVE A GREAT LIFE....without THEM.

[@sharonthompson672]

Absolutely. Build a real family around you. I wish you all the best.

[@Joshdifferent]

Family scapegoat here. Woke up at 26. Now 27 (no contact for a year). Trying to heal after dating a narcissist for 5 years and then waking up to what was going on

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Welcome, Josh. Glad to have you here. Check out my current videos; my book as well, if you haven't already (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). Also, tap the notification bell to be informed of new videos and community posts.

[@leazy1618]

Myth number 4 - yep! I would never ever go into a therapy session with my family, I would be traumatized with more tearing down of who I am from here to kingdom come. Thankfully I live inland and they all live at the coast. I have a close albeit small group of friends who accept me just as I am. I rent a small garden flat where I feel safe with my two doggies, my landlord and his family are lovely and caring. I have my job that I know I am good at. Above all I have some form of peace of mind. That imposter syndrome thing will rear its ugly head from time to time but at least I know what it is and why it pops up.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Leazy, sounds like you have made a lovely life for yourself. And our animals can be such a blessing. Thank you for your comment and glad you're here - I hope you will subscribe if you haven't already.

[@raeshaker2126]

An important video for anyone suffering with FSA, regardless of stage. Your second myth is very important to know, and very compellingly presented. These are all the issues I've had to deal with, as I was/am regularly accused of being a liar, drama queen, untrustworthy, devious, just want attention, trying to blame them for my problems, irresponsible, selfish, incompetent, a f**** up, faking it, manipulative, dishonest, and an angry person. ("Anger, anger, anger. There you go again, getting angry." They would regularly provoke me to anger, but after I caught on, stopped taking the bait. They then switched up to screaming and yelling themselves and then hang up the phone, after which they would send me a text apologizing for making me angry!) My family accused me of "faking it"when I was grieving the death of my husband. My sister even compared my experience to her break up with her boyfriend. I had one weekend visit after the funeral, but my sister accused me of thinking only of myself and yelled "I can't just drop everything and coming running every weekend. I can't give up my life and come take care of you because you don't want deal with your life." I ran into financial difficulty because I had to close my business when the pandemic hit. My mother made repeated offers (unsolicited) to help me with medical and dental needs, but backed out of every one. She turned the entire scenario around, accusing me of trying to send her into financial ruin! She urged me several times to find a therapist, saying she will let me use her credit card to pay for sessions and acted thrilled when I said I found someone ("Oh, I'm so happy for you. This is going to be so helpful for you! Just let me know when you need my credit card.") Then, she backed out of this, too, saying "I can't just give my credit card to 'others' and have big balances run up every month that I don't know about. (!!!!) I would suggest another myth: surely we can find one ally in the family. The truth is that we will almost never find an ally. All the other family members will normally align with the abuser to protect their own position in the family as well as justify their own scapegoating, which they learned and copied from the abusing parent. Even if appears we might have a sympathetic sibling, even one who says he or she will go to bat to defend us, they never follow through. Instead, they simply engage in the family game of future-faking and make promises they will never keep. It is pure bullying: all of them against one of you, so they must be right. Thank you, Leslie. You cannot see my face, but I recount all these will a laugh. Going no-contact almost a year ago had done wonders for me! "Let's see. You say to me that because they are my family, of course they love me. And what planet are you from?" 🤔 😵‍💫 😖

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you for this comment, Rae, which is sure to help many who read it. It is also prescient, in that I already know the topic of the next video I hope to film this week: The mind-boggling realities FSA adult survivors live with - and you list many of them here. I will be adding some more, and will also expand on those you yourself mention. I hope you have subscribed - I will do my best to post it by this weekend.

[@christar9527]

It is pure bullying and they all join in to do it. They often recruit other people outside the immediate family too. Hang in there. People here “get you “ I think. I know that I certainly do.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@christar9527 This is one of the features that make family scapegoating a form of abuse - the systemic bullying of the targeted family member.

[@yournotthatimportant1032]

Funny, I was diagnosed with CPTSD and in therapy had many awakenings. When I was neing gaslit by my sibling and I called her out on it...she started saying my trauma therapist isnt any good...just wow..they were one of the best

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

This is typical. Any therapist that supports the FSA target and labels it (correctly) as psycho-emotional abuse is a "crazy" or "no good" therapist. I know this first-hand (!)

[@aniefro2403]

I have been scapegoated my whole life by my family. I had to go no contact. Many years after my divorce from an abusive relationship (I fell into it because it felt familiar) and my family supports my ex. I had a dream and as I left my family I began slowly running out of the whitewash that they forced me to paint on the broken wall that was our relationship. Suddenly the whitewash turned into milk. I have an intolerance to milk but my mother made me drink and eat dairy anyways saying it was all in my head. Now I no longer need to be the crazy person when I am actually genuinely being made sick by something. It’s such a small example of the other real horrors they put me through but the dream showed the reality of the situation in a symbolic way. Thanks for pointing out its not always possible to have contact - that would require harmful whitewash.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Anie, thank you for this powerful sharing. In my "3 Bizarre Realities" video, I talk about family supporting the spouse - and not their (scapegoated) adult child - in a divorce. You might want to watch that video as well and I hope you will subscribe to this channel.

[@aniefro2403]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you I will check it out.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

My copy of Rejected Shamed and Blamed arrived. I've read most of it already. It's actually pretty comforting to see these truths in PRINT.

[@GodWarrior79]

Scapegoat and then my child. 3 years no contact. It’s amazing and free! It’s so peaceful! Both parents malignant narcissists. The abuse was awful. They abused my daughter too. They are master manipulators. Breaking free was our escape!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Nobody should ever tolerate abuse. And scapegoating is abuse. Glad you got away and have found much deserved (and needed) peace.

[@twhite8308]

I have not thought of myself as being a scapegoat in my family until recently. My family disfunction is so layered and convoluted. I want learn more. I've to have to cease communication with several siblings bc of verbal abuse.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad you're here. Check out my playlist, '15 Minute Videos With Rebecca'. You also will likely find my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', to be very helpful. And I encourage you to subscribe to my new channel!

[@christinesands6684]

My family did apologise to me for the bullying etc, but they expect me to just move on from it because they showed they realised what they did and apologised. It isn't that simple, so I don't speak to my family much. I have been since diagnosed with BPD, ADHD and Autism.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Understandable. It is rather amazing they apologized, but if the damage caused by scapegoating is not also acknowledged, the repair may feel incomplete. I do mention in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', that scapegoated adult children may be suffering from unrecognized complex trauma (C-PTSD) and this can be overlooked by Mental Health professionals or even misdiagnosed. Thank you for your comment and I hope you subscribe.

[@norxgirl1]

Late life ASD1 diagnosis here as well, age 60 - 6 years ago. No apology. Behavior got worse as we all got older. I have outlived my parents and 3 out of 4 siblings. FSCs can have a unique perspective on human behavior, character, etc. Lord come quickly!

[@CplBaker]

For your own sanity go no contact.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

That can at times be the healthiest option, especially when a narcissist is influencing the family's view on 'reality'. It is difficult for minorities to make this decision, I have found, and my research on FSA bore this out. It goes counter to many people's cultural conditioning, especially those from more 'collective' versus 'individualistic' societies. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

[@Islandgirl2133]

Rebecca, I love how you focus in on narcissistic families. I’m 63 now. My sibs have been extremely abusive to me since our parents deaths 10 yrs ago. This abuse has been so confusing. Messes with your head! They’ve created a new delusional reality of who I am. There’s no fixing them, no way. Number 1, they deny everything! I never said that…🙄 You’re messed up, you need help… Then deny deny deny, go into a rage… the subject simply cannot be addressed at all. It’s been 3 yrs since I started my research on narcissism. I just had a moment of clarity, when I recognized straight up gaslighting, I had been so confused, believing I was messed up all those yrs. They were truly awful to me. And still are. There is no solution. Well, just disappear is a possibility, cuz even if I move, there’s texting, phone, email… I’m seriously contemplating just zero contact and don’t have a clue whatever happened to me. ❤On a side note Rebecca, you remind me of Leonard’s mom on Big Bang Theory.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

The seeds for sibling 'splitting' can be planted very early on, often by a personality disordered parent (including covert NPD). If you haven't watched my video here on Sibling Estrangement, you may want to. I don't know that character - Do you mean in behavior or appearance?(!)

[@Islandgirl2133]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Sibling Estrangement was my first one yesterday. Been binge watching your videos since then. Yes, I agree the scapegoat started in childhood. I never knew what it was, but I knew there was a problem. After parents deaths, It all just morphed into full blown in my face, even physically threatening me/bully like abuse. Breaks my heart. I love them, thought we were all cool, and close. But to continue to know them is to continue exposing myself to the abuse. I just have to take it. Or they explode. I feel like I’m betraying myself to continue to know them. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. Love your channel. The character on Big Bang is a psychiatrist, highly intelligent, serious demeanor. You are much younger than this actress, but definitely similar features and mannerisms. It’s a compliment. You should binge watch Big Bang. 💚

[@donnavickery9623]

Your videos are so helpful !!! No one wants to talk about this. They are afraid of repercussions and they are afraid that no one will understand.

[@donnellallan]

This video is very helpful. I have made the sad realization that my family members truly believe in a version of me that doesn’t exist. Your work is very validating to my experience. Thank you so much. 💜

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Good to hear, Donnell. These are some of the 'hard facts' that FSA adult survivors must know. In most cases the family actually believes the 'scapegoat narrative' promoted by one or more family members. And they see *themselves* as the victim, versus the family member they are scapegoating. A classic case of what Dr Jennifer Freyd named 'DARVO': Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender'. Only, due to the family projective identification process, these family members genuinely believe they are the victim and feel they have nothing to deny! I'll expand on all of this in a future video.

[@donnellallan]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I will be looking forward to that video. 💜

[@donnellallan]

I hope you don’t mind, but I wrote up my experience and sent it to you in the contact box at your website. Thank you so much for your kindness and generosity in sharing your expertise. It helps a lot. 💜

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@donnellallan Thank you! I will ensure it is secure and private; again, any identifying details will be changed if I am able to include it in a future article or video.

[@donnellallan]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you so much! 💜

[@pilis.5681]

Thank you for speaking so clearly to this. I had briefly considered family therapy, but got an intuitive feeling that it would be the wrong choice.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're most welcome. There are some instances where it can be helpful, depending on the type of dysfunction going on, but the situation would need to be first carefully assessed.

[@pilis.5681]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse And I liked the tip about having two therapists present, as well. I hadn't thought of that. Maybe someday..

[@omardlopez]

Dear Dr. Mandeville -- I cannot thank you enough! I appreciate your sincere, albeit chilling (and yet, so helpful) direct instruction that healing cannot simply come from multiple articles or therapy. Ideally, a trauma-informed therapist can help! I appreciate you specially because I learned it the hard way: after four years of visiting a well-intended, compassionate therapist (who was not trained in IFS or FSA), I realized I suffered from Complex Trauma after obssesively reading on the web. Now I see a Trauma specialist who's compassionately and ably guided me in a better direction, with lots of validation. Keep up your good work!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Daniel, this may be a duplicate comment, I hope you see my reply on the other one, but regardless, so very happy to have you here and thank you for your insightful feedback!

[@omardlopez]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse It's all good. Thank you dear Dr. Mandeville!

[@thetruth3325]

Thank you for the video. Im glad you mentioned this about professional help vídeos.. it seems like in todays world, more people are pushing the "5 step method" to happiness and success than ever before yet more people seem to be unhappy than before.. you have to become a certain person in life that will attract the right things and relationships in life and this is done through healing and creating and enforcing solid boundaries. Why are boundaries important? Not only do they protect you but it is a firm of personal integrity and ultimate self respect. As this grows, the more alignment you will seem to experience. We have to learn to give to ourselves what was never given and often taken. Essentially we will become the hero of our own story . If i could leave you with one thing it would be .. imagine what happened was designed by purpose and you needed to go through it so that you would need to do an autopsy on your life to be able to move forward and have the ultimate peace and sense of coherence in life.. it would have never been possible without this happening. It was an indispensable step in allowing you to get to the ultimate highest level of yourself which a human is seeking. You become unstoppable . You go from víctim to a major threat.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You perhaps are familiar with the term 'spiritual bypass'. There is also the 'psycho-emotional bypass', in which one avoids working through the pain, (including and especially grief) and/or one becomes stuck in the anger (the tendency then will be to dehumanize the abuser, which I see a lot of these days in regard to discussions of family dysfunction). In such situations, complex human behaviors are over-simplified in favor of the 'easy solution' to recovery (which, of course, do not actually exist). The only way out is through, in the end, and this is why recovering from family abuse can be a long, arduous process. Thank you for your comment. There are many wonderful nuggets to contemplate.

[@DosBear]

I completely relate to all of this. The key word being invisible. The main problem is that you can't identify all the scapegoating that has taken place for decades. You can't fix broken, you can only do damage control and protect yourself from any further abuse. I find just listening to your videos to be very helpful and validates my feelings. No amount of personal therapy is going to mend the damage that was done so I would not bother, but I do appreciate all your efforts & input regardless. No contact was the best decision I made and I will stick to that from here on in.Thanks.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Some peace can come from understanding what happened in one's family. Addressing trauma also can help, but there is no 'magic cure' in regard to the devastating impact of FSA, that is for sure.

[@LPoppy2023]

My story too* I can so relate to this now at 65 no contact with my family of origin and continue to navigate flying monkeys gas lighters I just couldn’t put my finger on it and then once I did finally was able to put into words all the terrible things that have been said and done -light bulbs turned on and strength …I am so glad that I kept past letters, Texts etc. to help navigate never going back-thank you for all the work you have done to support us here

[@leeklabin-grant9441]

Thank you so very much Rebecca. Especially when we start to succumb to sad moments of desperation for our birth family to actually hear us- it is important to have the facts about what’s going on reminded to us, so that we can move ahead and heal ourselves regardless of whether they ‘wake up’ or not🙏🏻

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Lee. If you haven't seen it yet, my new FSA Affirmations video can be very helpful during triggering or sad times, based on the feedback I've been given. Hope you check it out!

[@sirrantsalott]

Thank you for validating my experience

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome. Glad you're here, and love your handle (!)

[@Heyokasireniei468sxso]

thank you this was helpful im the parentified /scapegoat child and i suffer from reverse abandonment because i have cptsd and a fearful avoidant attachment style ( fawn/fight) and my parents are no longer on drugs or drinking and are older so the only thing that really has changed is their ability to physical violence but their stonewalling gaslighting deflecting has increase times ten , i dont want to fight with them anymore , because i have seen them suffer i have got my fill if thats what i needed in karmic revenge but i am over a real relationship with them i still have emotional /psychic needs from them and i dont wish to be inauthentic with grey rock but i have with my choleric/supine temperament decided to just work on me and use diplomacy because i have to see this thru i cannot go full no contact i need to them to the grave ive been thru to much and so have they even tho they gave me more to go thru never the less ive invested this much time . but knowing these myths of magical thinking that you have outlined that i do carry atleast now i know they are myths hopes fantasies and i can leave them as such as ways to cope thru the recovery times thank you the scapegoat and even the lost child is the one who becomes the shaman or wounded healer

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Rex, I feel such depth and wisdom within your sharings here. There are many reasons some scapegoated adult survivors will remain in touch with family. Some of these reasons are cultural in nature. I sense that your innate compassion for self and others has assisted you in healing despite still having contact, and this decision was right for you. This is why I avoid making sweeping statements regarding whether to go no contact or not; each person's situation is unique. I hope you subscribe to this channel and I'd love to hear from you again. I'm sure you have much to add to the conversation that would benefit others.

[@lfv9010]

Sometimes I think women back in the day scapegoated their daughters because they themselves felt trapped in a system where they had no sayso nor financial independence and sought ways to covertly get back at a husband that they couldn't afford to leave. Especially when the husband openly displayed affection for a daughter while the wife was starved for love and affection or a way to express her own hopes and dreams or heal that wound left by an absentee father. When I healed enough to begin to see my own mother through that lens I began to understand and forgive but she was unrelenting in her pursuit to push through her agenda against me by any means necessary, as if it was a necessity for her own healing. With that came the realization that I would never be loved nor accepted by her and her allies - my siblings and extended family and by extension, the rest of the people surrounding me.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I have definitely seen cases where a mother scapegoated a daughter who had advantages and freedoms she herself did not have, particularly if becoming unexpectedly pregnant with said daughter interfered with the mother realizing her own dreams (which can breed a whole host of resentments). Great point, thank you.

[@breemorrison901]

That's a really good insight. I think sometimes people who do love you in these kinds of families go along with it so the abuse doesn't get turned on them. Maybe your siblings are just not as strong as you.

[@lifetools-help8017]

I am so grateful for you, all of the work you have done on FSA. Your excellent way of sharing, teaching, helping and bringing hope!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you - I was hesitant to do a "talkie" but once I got going it was enjoyable to do!

[@lifetools-help8017]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I'm so glad you feel joy in helping people, because such compassion is indeed a blessing for all. I feel your warmth, caring and love for FSAs in your beautiful delivery and expression. I'm looking forward to more of your videos! 🤗

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@lifetools-help8017 I look forward to doing more - I have many things I wish to talk about in regard to Family Systems theory and research and FSA recovery!

[@grapeapeskates]

Thank you. I appreciate very much the statements of fact. I am a stepchild, extremely scapegoated, have 2 sisters I essentially raised while my mother recovered from her marriage to my father by drinking and sleeping. Both girls are his genetically and golden, and my one sister insists we experienced the same rage and bullying from him that I did, it’s ridiculous. It is hard to admit you had it better, I get it. It’s to the point where no contact is the only way I can heal from this. Unfortunately I raised my children knowing all of them, and they have golden childrened them both. Both my son and daughter have become a part of this and buy the family narrative to a large extent. It’s the worst, and if I could take back one decision that would be the one. Thank you for your book, it’s great. You’re right, these MFs actually believe you are trash and it’s okay to treat you that way. It does not matter how you act or what you say, NOTHING ABOUT THIS WILL EVER CHANGE, and as an adult it continues until you walk.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome, Laura. Recognizing the intractable nature of the situation the FSA adult survivor finds themselves in is indeed a key step on the way to 'radical acceptance'. I can count on one hand (after over 20 years practicing) when a family member recognizes and apologizes / validates the abuse the FSA target was subjected to in their family system. That's a pretty sad statistic.

[@susansauls8902]

The breakthrough for me was when I sought help for finding out what I was doing wrong so I could have guidance to become the person I needed to be (because obviously I wasn’t getting it on my own), my therapist told me: “You could be a combination of Mother Teresa and Princess Diana and your mother won’t ever love you.” It was a shock and gut punch, not what I was expecting at all, but also simultaneously in that epiphany moment, I knew I had to accept this new truth into my awareness to be able to advance forward in healing, and the beginning of that healing was going to lay in my acceptance in truths of what could not be and what could be. That was 12 years ago. Now what I am questioning myself, after watching your videos, on if I have brought this trauma unknowingly into my own family with my four young adult children. I certainly hope not. I can see what you are saying about how these trauma cycles continue through generations because we only know how to deal with these intimate interpersonal family relationships in the way that we were foundationally immersed, as I call, conditioned in. I recently had an exchange with my youngest child, now 21, where I searched for a better teaching example instead of the first that popped into my head. I knew the first would be a painful reminder to her of a past mistake she made. We have been going through some difficult times with her since she went to college - it’s as if she is going through delayed teen issues that she didn’t do in her teens and I was hoping we had just bypassed that with her, ha! I talked through that recent incident with her and told her that I didn’t want to hurt her but I still need to make my point in communication to her, especially in these instances that are reoccurring negative habits which she also agrees that are detrimental to her. I told her I will work at presenting more positive examples instead and that I love her, and I want her to know that. It ended well, but it did make me wonder about myself with my own family structure relationships as I continue to watch your videos. I appreciate these warnings in your videos to help us prevent these toxic perpetuated family cycles.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Susan, I discuss in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed,' how intergenerational trauma and family 'multigenerational transmissions' can manifest in family scapegoating behaviors. These are decades-old / established family systems concepts that are now being validated via brain research findings - and DNA (!) findings - it is truly fascinating. I encourage you to read my book if you haven't already. And regarding perpetuating the scapegoating dynamics: The fact that you are aware that this is a possibility should reassure you that you will do things differently than what was done to you - and already are. There are no perfect parents - "good enough" is perfectly fine.

[@susansauls8902]

@Beyond Family Scapegoating Abuse Wow, I am presently overwhelmed in this new revelation that discovering your channel and YOU have brought to me. And I am so incredibly THANKFUL. I have looked into ordering your book and I absolutely am doing that and looking forward to reading it to learn all of these concepts you introduce in your videos. Since I discovered you recently - three days ago??- I have been working through all your videos. I SOOO APPRECIATE you responding to your comments. I read through all the comments as I watch each video and there is much to glean there as well from others’ experiences and your responses to them. Thank you for this saving gift that you share with those who so desperately need it. Most the time, I feel I am doing pretty well with my circumstances as I have been realistically dealing with them for a long time and I have accepted the hard ugly truths that sadly will not change. Certainly I would love a miracle to happen in that but that is why we call them miracles, which highlights that improbability. Thank you so very much here for helping me find a new breakthrough in healing further for me and also now for my children. I hope you realize what a divine blessing you are. My heart holds great gratitude to you, out of the same associated love I have for my children, because today you made their lives better. This has been my life mission since their births to break these generational toxic practices so my children will lead and pass to their children free healthy lives. Again, I cannot thank you enough and I pray your day is blessed in knowing how your life’s work impacted many lives in an entire family in this quickening moment with new information and tools I did not previously have.

[@susansauls8902]

@Beyond Family Scapegoating Another note, this on the DNA researched findings you shared … that is another new information to me that I look forward to learning more about in your book. I always thought of it as our foundational “conditioning,” as I came to call it from my own understanding. What we live in is our normal and those foundational growing up years is the basis for what the rest of our life stands upon. It’s beyond modeling from our parents, but that entire environment we are constantly immersed in as a fish in a fishbowl. It runs through us and we are absorbed in every part of it. So this is how I came to understand it in my own way which is already powerful, but now biologically, DNA, too? Another wow. I welcome that exploration into learning more.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@susansauls8902 You appear to have a natural understanding of the systemic nature of this form of abuse. This is what I address in my book, the family systems theoretical framework (and past research, as well as my own FSA research) that I noticed was missing from many conversations about 'family abuse', including scapegoating. I'd love to hear your feedback after you read it, and I do hope you find it helpful.

[@susansauls8902]

@Beyond Family Scapegoating Abuse I look forward to that! I ordered your book today and I can’t wait for it to arrive!

[@lehacarpenter7773]

Thank you so much for all your work and help. Your articles have been immensely helpful to me, and I know, to so many others. I'm so sorry your dogs are not well. My dog is just recovering from surgery, so I am right there with you in pet-stress solidarity, but grateful my girl will be okay. Hope yours pull through, as well. 🙏

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Thank you, Leha, so good to hear!

[@andrewl2735]

Excellent presentation Rebecca, so good to hear your voice for the first time and your clear, concise and precise understanding and compassion for this family scapegoating abuse situation is as resoundingly wise in your speech as in your written work. Each of these myths needs busting as anyone in the throes of FSA will encounter some or all of them at some point, and although these truths are incredibly painful, they will indeed need to be addressed in order to recover. For other survivors: Our family members involved in FSA are suffering mental health issues of their own which is why they mostly cannot see their behavior. When we can understand that our family members are suffering their own form of mental illness, rather than being in full awareness of their behavior, then we can see that their actions and beliefs do not come from a place of rational thought and therefore rational thought will have no effect on them in respect of FSA. When we realize that our family member's behaviors come from a place of psychological illness, then we understand that they cannot be helped unless they get into therapy themselves and do some heavy lifting, which of course is highly unlikely. It helps to see them as emotional invalids who we can feel compassion for. We are tragically wounded also, but we are on the road to recovery. Our ill family members will have no such luck. As we shed our need of their validation and remove their authority to judge us, they will strive to find other unhealthy outlets for their inner angst and anxieties which are but coping strategies, not avenues to resolution. You will read in many places that the scapegoat has the clearest insight in the family, and also the best chance at recovery to the extent that the inter-generational trauma will pass no further down the line and we can find healing self-affirmation and internal validation. The energy changes as we come into the light of knowledge and understanding, becoming empowered internally and feel compassion for the sorry emotional and psychological state of our would be abusers. We are still best advised to go no contact where possible because why would we choose to mix with people who have our worst interest at heart despite our love for them. We may love nature but we don't go stroking tigers. In some way, and depending on where we are at, this may sound improbable, but FSA actually gives us the opportunity to find the very best of ourselves. If we work in conjunction with a trauma informed therapist on our cptsd consistently over time, we change the way our brain is wired, and in doing so we become better than we perhaps ever could have been if the abuse had not happened to us. Certainly, I can feel this occurring in my own case and have heard it anecdotally from many others who are a long way down the line in the recovery process. I found this to be a heartening realization that gave me strength before I realized the truth of it, and in fact despite the tremendous pain and difficulty it has caused me, I realize that this experience of FSA has been of a huge benefit to my emotional, psychological and spiritual development. Whoever said, 'what does not kill you, makes you stronger', has a point! As long as we can find the ways to survive this horrendous adversity and rebuild our psyche and self-love, we can achieve a greater understanding and appreciation of life, ourselves and others than ever would have been possible otherwise. And it is possible. With the help of superb guides like Rebecca, we can find our way back not only to our true shining selves but to a pot of gold in our work, our relationships and our connection with life itself. A worthy goal for worthy people. Love, strength and clarity to all.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

So good to see you hear, Andrew, and thank you for this rich, full, and extraordinarily informative comment. My next video will be on the "Why" of it (in regard to my last video, 3 Bizarre Realities FSA survivors live with) and I will be encouraging viewers to visit this thread here specifically to read your words of wisdom, fueled by your own FSA experiences, including how compassion (including self-compassion) might play a part in our healing and recovery.

[@norxgirl1]

Beautiful!!!

[@proofpositive11]

Thank you so much, Rebecca. I have been working hard lately and just realized you are on KZbin again. Yay! In 2018, it was suggested to me by a therapist/coach Sarah Swenson that there might be scapegoating going on. I didn't know what to do with that information and I did not understand how seriously it was affecting my mental health, relationships and physical health as well. I started searching KZbin for videos about family systems. Another lovely KZbinr had a video that explained the scapegoat role in a way that clicked for me. Not long after that, I found a short video that you had posted. I am so grateful for the time I spent working with you. You gave me the courage to refine and redirect my career path as a helping professional. I still had a long way to go in my own healing, but a combination of modalities and healing realizations have propelled me forward. To name a few, EMDR, IFS and now shame work have turned more tumblers in the lock, but without the language and understanding of FSA as a foundation, I do not believe the work I did that followed would have been as effective. You are truly the best! Thank you for your dedication to helping family scapegoats.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Lovely to hear from you Lm C - I appreciate both the warm welcome and the heartfelt words. It is good to be back on YT, and I'm so pleased to hear of your healing progression, and glad I could walk with you a bit of the way on your journey. I know you will help many people - and I know we will stay in touch ; >)

[@wordivore]

If any one of my family members came to me and acknowledged the scapegoating and family mobbing I endured during my father's terminal illness I'd be skeptical af. I would think they wanted something and/or are setting me up for some sick bully session. And honestly, if they were sincere, I feel like it's too late now. I mean even if they realized, the damage is long done. I've lost all interest in working through anything with them.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Understandable. And it is rare that such recognition of damage done and validation happens. You might want to check out my video on traumatic invalidation. My colleague, Dr Watson, wrote an article on this same topic that is linked in the video description.

[@wordivore]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yeah I'll never get validation from my siblings, especially my sister. She's malignant. With my mother it was weird. I ended up explaining to her...twice. After I went No Contact, she'd send cards full of guilt trips but also talking about knowing how bad of a mother she was when I was a kid. My going NC had nothing to do with my childhood, although it would've been a good enough reason. It was about her part in the family mobbing when my father (also a narcissist) was terminally ill. I finally relented to all those birthday and Christmas cards she sent with her little messages. It took her well into my explanation of why I went NC, to seemingly understand and apologize. The second time I explained again, because she seemed to have forgotten the first convo and would again send me cards about wanting to work through stuff, etc. I was confused and wanted to send emails explaining again but I didn't. A couple times I pounded out angry emails in response to those manipulative messages but I didn't send those. I was back and forth with NC and LC not knowing how to deal with a relationship with her. She would claim in those messages in the cards to want to work through it, even sent me a book once that was really for parents to help their kids understand and regulate their emotions. Cool book if used in context but totally inappropriate for a 70 something mother to be sending to her 50 something daughter. I did read the book though because I found the topic interesting. Just too much too late. The one time that I took her up on her (fake) openness to work on stuff, I sent her an email about something I was struggling with pertaining to her behavior. She wrote me back saying, "Maybe you should just work things out on your own." I liken this type of thing to Lucy with the football, promising Charlie Brown that she won't yank the football this time. But we all know what she actually does. I've recently been rejected by her again and I'm feeling like a fool giving her all these chances. Sick of the roller coaster.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Oh, this is classic: "She wrote me back saying, "Maybe you should just work things out on your own."" That says it all right there, doesn't it? It's understandable why the scapegoated adult child might "give it another try" at times - It IS our family, after all. In the primitive part of our brain, there is the impetus to belong to the tribe for protection - when we lived indigenously, without the protection of the tribe, we would likely quickly die. Also, there's the hope a family member might change, if you are a person who has grown, learned and changed. Many things can suck a scapegoated family member back in (ill family member, etc). Family scapegoating hits deep.

[@wordivore]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I just wanted to come back and say thank you for your replies, which have helped me to feel validated. The primitive brain and tribal stuff is also so important to remember. That helps me be more self-compassionate. I started reading articles on your website also, which I am finding helpful. You're doing a good thing. It's difficult to find such niche and detailed info about what the scapegoat in specific goes through.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

What a lovely message. Speaking of feeling validated, did I already mention you may want to watch my video on Traumatic Invalidation and Scapegoating? There's an excellent article by my colleague Dr Watson linked in the video description you will also want to read. I'm glad you're reading my blog articles as well. You may want to also read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. That's where the core of my work on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) is, and it is based on not only my experience this past 20 years working with families and FSA adult survivors, but on years of original qualitative research I have done on this particular systemic phenomenon.

[@cindyanderson5712]

Thank you, Rebecca, for this video and for all of your help with my recovery. Life-changing.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are most welcome, Cindy.

[@sandyhowell9633]

I cry.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Understandable. Glad you're here.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

Scapegoating in and of itself is narcissistic, both overt and covert abuse. They may not be full on NPD, but they can and do create just as much damage. Learning how to deal with a narcissist will give you great tools to deal with any scapegoating family and other tools to serve you in your life.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Worthy of a video, and I have such a video planned. In the end, no matter the cause, we must never tolerate abuse of any kind, no matter the reason or cause; whether conscious or an unconscious defense. I do stress this in my 10 Rules video. We should not ever have to tolerate abuse to remain connected to family.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse - Learning at a late age, but never the less learning. I was able to keep very limited contact my entire adult life, but now dealing with narc mother since my dad passed has been a real challenge. Her triangulation with my two siblings etc. is complicating the matter. She's moving between the family home near me and an apartment in another state next to the golden sibling. She feels entitled to be cared for even though she is able bodied and I refuse to bend to all of her whims. I'm sure my enabling brothers came to rescue her and I really do hope this all works out for them. If it doesn't work out, I'm going to have to get the courage to go no contact completely. My brothers realize there are problems, but they truly will never get it, because they were idolized. She stated that if she moves that I will have no support here (as if I ever had any in the first place) and I think what she's really doing is isolating me once again. At least it feels that way and in reality any contact with her is only something to endure. It's just that I kind of feel like I'm being ganged up on just like it was as a child.

[@sharonthompson672]

​@@freedomwarrior5087 Yes! It's like the siblings you grew up in the trenches with, your brothers and sisters in arms, who should be your biggest defenders, are all flying monkeys 😳 such betrayal. I think the final blow was baby sis taking her own life, and big sis triangulating the whole family against me. We all triangulated at one time or another, it was always warring factions being played against each other, but a little switch flipped this last time. Ain't going back. ❤️

[@annetteselent]

Thank you for making these videos. I do have your book, which I also appreciate. I recently had to deal with myth 4. I have a younger brother (50), who I used to be close to most of his life , let me know that the family shunning I had been put through for the last 5 years was all in my head. That he could “…guarantee you that at least 3 of your siblings and both our parents would attend the counselling you are in…” to straighten out my crazy thinking. I felt like I was being ganged up on. Mobbed. My counsellor let me know that this huge group gathering is not healthy and was not how he worked.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Based on your comment, you might be interested in reading item 6 in this article I wrote here on self-care for FSA adult survivors: In it, I address family therapy. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/09/08/10-self-care-tips-for-adult-survivors-of-family-scapegoating/

[@annetteselent]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for linking me with this article. Item 6 made total sense. I didn’t feel at all safe with brothers big offer. I might have felt slightly different, and suggested “couples- type” counselling with any family member who truly wanted to meet half way. The suggestion of the whole group of family members that hadn’t wanted anything to do with me for 5 years, felt like I was walking into a dark pit trap. I felt in my gut he was BSing me about that anyway…trying to continue coming across like I was all alone in my crazy thinking and THEY were all a rational, united front. Chances are good that most of that family didn’t even know about his big offer to join in my counseling. He seemed to being going for an “us big-you little” kind of dynamic. It all made me want to 🤢🤮

[@Greatlakes-z9s]

I am a brand new subscriber. Thank you so very much for sharing light 💡 onto this topic. I realized I was a scapegoat 2 years ago at age 46. It took me that long to figure out, to connect the dots that led me to this conclusion. I am grateful right now to you. Please continue to share this. I plan on sharing knowledge as well ~ I already have. Sending you peace and light. 💜

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Great to have you here, Sarah. "Connecting the dots" is a good way to put it. I think I even said this in my book, when discussing that "A-Ha" moment where it suddenly all makes sense (I liken it to the end of the movie 'The Usual Suspects" in my book). Understanding the family projective identification process is very helpful as well. It is then that one realizes that, in a certain sense, none of this is personal - it is a projection process occurring at a systemic level - although there are exceptions to this, of course.

[@Greatlakes-z9s]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for responding. I’d like to purchase your book. This is exactly what you said in one of your videos that I basically binge watched today. You said it was ‘hidden abuse’. So true.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@Greatlakes-z9s I hope you will find my book helpful. Many people do.

[@lindalindstadt6436]

Hi Rebecca. Great points debunking scapegoating myths! Thank you for all the help and support you have given me on this new path.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Lovely to hear from you here on KZbin, Linda - And it is my privilege to be able to assist you in your journey!

[@meganjohnson9540]

Thank you! Just, thank you! 💕

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You are so welcome!

[@davesiegal3592]

They're not aware of it, until you confront them about it with specific references. After that when they continue to treat you this way, this is when you can consider them pathological. Two things; don't wrestle with pigs and Dunning - Krueger Syndrome, they're too stupid to understand how stupid they really are. And, you can't fix "stupid".

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Indeed, the defense mechanisms reveal their intractability at that point. This comment / observation of yours deserves a dedicated video; I will add it to my list.

[@Aussie-Misfit]

I always knew I was different from my family, parents and 4 siblings. I'm 58 years old, and it wasn't until I was 20 that I discovered I had depression, but I educated myself about that but I knew it was more than that. I don't believe my parents were narcissistic. But there was definitely family trauma, in both of their families. They yelled and screamed at each other and all of us kids. I didn't lie down and take it. I called them out on how they all treated me differently and unfairly. I was labelled the trouble maker. I left at 15. I became an addict for many years, and had 4 suicide attempts. Even though deep down I knew I wasn't the things they called me, after my marriage failed, I started thinking, it can't be everyone else it HAS to be me. So I started to stop opposing the way they treated me. About a month ago, though, I decided I couldn't keep living like that, because, it was just reinforcing, how usless and worthless I felt. So I cut them all off. I still did lots of research on what was wrong with me, because I was so different to them. Then about a week after I cut them off I found a family scapegoat video on KZbin, and I could identify with every single thing that scapegoats suffer from. A wave of relief washed over me, then I burst into tears. I'd finally discovered where my issues stemed from. I'm now trying to learn to understand program myself. All I can say is thank you, THANK you!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome. I have a playlist dedicated to dysfunctional (versus narcissistic) family scapegoating abuse you can access on the homepage of this channel. My book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, specifically focuses on dysfunctional family scapegoating, although I do cover narcissistic family dynamics as well. You may find these additional resources helpful.

[@Aussie-Misfit]

@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I have ordered ur book already, its in the post. Ty for ur response.

[@janethomas78]

PURE VALIDATION! THANK YOU!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

You're welcome!

[@jessiethrelkeld3628]

Yes! IFS has radically changed my life!!!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

The concept of 'parts' and 'exiled parts' can be extremely helpful. Years ago we called what IFS refers to as 'parts' 'sub-personalities'. People seem to like 'parts' better; I know my clients do.

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

YES! SOOOOOOO happy to see your video here! More, more, more! Thank you!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

More to come - I'll be filming again this week and posting soon, make sure you subscribe and tap the white bell to be notified of my latest video releases.

[@m.asammy3049]

I soooo agree!!!!

[@m.asammy3049]

You're the doc. But I'm telling you there is NO WAY I'm doing family therapy w these people. They can do their own if they really want change. The point is to come out from under the poisonous psyche they worked together to hold you to. There's therapy online and despite the convenience even that will be too much work for them.Even your self improvement journey will will cause anger and envy and everything else. Do 4 YOU do you can do you proudly.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@m.asammy3049 I will do another video where I discuss the continuum of scapegoating - I've sat in rooms working with literally hundreds of families, and some relationships are salvageable for dysfunctional families with intergenerational trauma (and this is fueling the scapegoating via the Family Projective Identification Process); I rarely see successful restoration and repair in narcissistic family systems. I started this channel originally to discuss dysfunctional families but as many subscribers here come from narcissistic family systems, I now am addressing both and will describe the differences from now on to make it clear that the cause of scapegoating differs depending on the level of narcissism at play in the family system. Great comment, thank you.

[@selinamularz9194]

Thank you for this

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

My pleasure, Selina - I hope you will subscribe!

[@nancysoles6047]

Fabulous video. So glad I watched. Please keep them coming! Is it possible for me to be scapegoated as an adult by husband and grown children?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hi Nancy. ABSOLUTELY. Scapegoating can also be a learned behavior. Children can learn to scapegoat a parent by observing the other parent and even being rewarded by the scapegoating parent for exhibiting these same behaviors, for example. Which also can happen in any dysfunctional family system, and can be woven into the family projective identification process. This isn't talked about enough, and I plan to dedicate some articles and videos to this subject over the next few months. If you would like me to address your story anonymously (I will also disguise details), write me at [e-mail] and I can include it in a future video.

[@donnellallan]

This is my experience, too. The worst of it is that I have an adult daughter who has refused to speak to me for the past seven years, since I divorced her father. Thank you for sharing. 💜

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@donnellallan So sorry to hear this. A research study that assesses how often scapegoating is involved in parental alienation would be most illuminating. I am sure that there would be a close relationship between the two.

[@donnellallan]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse That sounds like a great idea for a study to me. It makes sense that there would be a correlation, doesn’t it?

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

@@donnellallan Definitely. I'll look into covering this in an article or here on YT soon.

[@breemorrison901]

Family therapy was like that for me. Ultimately I was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 & Borderline Personality disorder. After trying multiple prescription therapies and counseling failed, they tried ECT....oh, (and surprise) no help, but i was more compliant during my stay maybe. I am so glad I tried to go to therapy on my own again because my therapist for the last 3 years recognized and understood trauma. It has been a bit like unplugging from the "Matrix," but at least I am awake to the reality.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Not sure if you’ve read my book on FSA yet (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) but I use an example from the Matrix in it to describe waking up to this form of systemic (family) abuse.

[@wordivore]

I saw the other comment about scapegoating being narcissistic in nature and I agree with that. I can't wrap my head around this being done and there isn't a narcissist behind it or at least someone with plenty of traits. Also, I'm curious, is it your opinion that if the people doing the scapegoating know what they're doing they're narcissists or narcissistic as opposed to not being narcissistic if they don't understand what they're doing? I'm curious because each one of my family members (FOO) could probably be diagnosed as narcissists and they are all oblivious and have not one iota of understanding.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Hard to wrap your head around it if you aren't aware of all of the data and research associated with the field of Family Systems and the research that has been done on the family 'Identified Patient' (and my research on FSA). This video addresses dysfunctional families that scapegoat, per the video's description (not narcissistic family scapegoating). And yes, scapegoating can happen in families where there is no narcissist. And yes, it can be unconscious (but can also be conscious). That is an established clinical fact. It happens most often in highly traumatized family systems - this includes intergenerational trauma. And in this scenario, the scapegoating is fueled by the Family Projective Identification Process.

[@8888-9]

Thank you. Am going through each video on the key concepts in FSA. Noted here are the time periods since each were posted. I want to ask a question. Perhaps those who are learning as I am have similar experiences with learnt tools or information that helped them. I have had no physical contact - face to face - with my divorced parents - for a very long time. My biological father I let go of 30 years ago . My mother 24 years ago. I suppressed a lot . Was in deep denial also a lot. I was caused to look at my own behaviours as a mother and where I failed. Since then I began to slowly face the hard truths about my own choices and the behaviours of my parents towards me. It's only been 3 years. 3 years of owning my own narcissistic SA. Scape goat abuse. 3 years of gradual curtain lifting on the family I come from. And 3 years of doing all I can to repair and make amends with some integrity, not passive hopelessness. I am 63. Whether dealing with it or projecting it and repeating it - I struggle with my mind. I go to bed during the day. I wonder what I need to do specifically along this necessary hard Path, to release all of the hurt and pain and regrets. Thank you - it's some privilege to have these videos accessible so freely.

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

I'm on a break at this time (medical) but when I return this is exactly what I plan to focus on - not just recognizing and processing the emotion and pain, but RELEASING it as well.

[@8888-9]

Continued good will on the recovering period .

[@samme1024]

😭

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Sad indeed, Samm - But recovery from family scapegoating abuse (FSA) is possible!

[@m.asammy3049]

There's unbelievable experiences you will experience on the other side of those tears. It's the honest truth but know..in advance..that that will eventally anger you. Make up yr mind that you don't have time to give in to that useless anger. Feel it,yes but then decide you deserve better than this. Cuz you do!! Good luck!!!!!!

[@samme1024]

@@m.asammy3049 Thank you! I've definitely gone through several anger phases and am grateful for not only the guidance of videos like this, but for a therapist who is helping me navigate these challenges. I look forward to building healthy relationships!

[@samme1024]

@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you so much for these helpful videos. I'm so grateful for this knowledge. 🙏💛🙏

[@miriamevans5200]

I have been no contact with BPD/NPD mom since the 1990's. I broke no contact in 2016 to sue her for stealing mine and my niece and nephew's inheritance. The judge called her out for forging the will. I had original will with me. The only way I would agree to a family therapy session would be so I could run them over in the parking lot. Lol!

[@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse]

Glad to hear you got some form of justice in court.