Thank you

I can totally relate and have been trying to find the right kind of therapy. I’ve been reading. The understanding of what I’ve been through helps a lot but I’m still lost as to how to feel whole.

Thank you Rebecca for your educaitonal videos. I have been doing the healing work of being in a dysfunctional family for 26 years. It is very validating and encouraging to have your content. Very supportive in holding my boundaries. I am deeply grateful for your research and for your courage to share!

I’ve binge watched your videos and it’s been the most healing energy I’ve felt in a long time! It feels amazing to feel validated! 🎉

I told the truth about being abused as a child. Several in my very large family were in complete denial about it. My Mom commanded (yes) me to go to the hospital when my stepdad was dying. She told me he was hanging on because I wasn't there. So, I went and a cousin and his wife approached me before I even entered the hospital. He wanted to know what I doing there? I told him Mom asked me to come and kept walking. I wish I would have told him it was none of his blankety blank business. Family were all over the parking lot and all the way through the hospital. It was like a walk of shame only I wasn't the guilty person. My Mom thought absolutely nothing about me in that entire scene. All she was concerned about was getting what she wanted. Odd though.. she reaped what she sowed from that situation. Without concern for me she ordered me to my abuser's death bed, but when she passed away I was too ill to be with her. There's no doubt in my mind about why that happened.

I don't know if my sister is a narcissist or a sociopath she makes me look like the bad guy and almost got me in trouble with the law for purposely making me look like a dangerous person which I am totally not. She lies constantly, steals other's people money and mine and makes me look crazy and I get therapy and she says she doesn't need it. What is she and I don't know what to do other than trying cutting her out of my life which I can't totally. Do you have any answers for me?

Before you said poem, I was remembering these words- BY WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS I made my song a coat Covered with embroideries Out of old mythologies From heel to throat; But the fools caught it, Wore it in the world’s eyes As though they’d wrought it. Song, let them take it For there’s more enterprise In walking naked.

It takes two to tango was the stupidest 'proverb' ever spoken. Your siblings stand around and watch you get shredded to pieces while you plead for help with your scary abusive eldest. Why can't you get along. There is a perpetrator and a victim.

Exactly. All of the aggression seems to stem from irrational thought, or wild misinterpretation or misquoting of others. The weirdest part is when they say that you're mean because you ask them to stop treating you abusively.

“That the world seems like an unsafe dangerous place”. 😢 this hits home. Makes it hard to leave toxic workplaces or relationships when lived experience is that everyone is unsafe

Thank you, I needed to hear this as they made me feel ashamed for years. Now I just say it upfront that if they try anything with me I’ll simply lose it infront of EVERYONE and not care who is watching especially as I noticed they are super nice to me in front of others and others know that I’m a decent reasonable person.

The fact that so many cultures deems crying as "annoying", "weak" or "bad" should say it all. It's horrible. We deserve caring cultures

My father was a raging alcoholic. His Golden Child is a raging narcissist.

My father was blond. Both of my siblings are blond, including my Golden Child older sister. They look just like our Dad. I have brunette hair and look just like our mother. My father accused my mother of cheating the day I was born. My mother told me that when I was about 2, I came to her and said, "Daddy doesn't love me because I don't have yellow hair." She took me to the bathroom, picked me up and stood me on the counter, so we were facing our reflections. She said, "You look like me and Daddy loves me." But, I didn't witness love. I witnessed a family full of chaos and rage. A family with an alcoholic parent and a terrified parent. I witnessed one child receiving the vast majority of praise, attention, time, resources, love. And two children going without. I honestly believe that my father hated the very look of me. I think he beat me because it's more acceptable in society to beat your child, than your wife. I think I was my father's Scapegoat and my mother's sacrificial lamb. Better me than her, I guess.

I was full of fight, until my father finally succeeded in beating it out of me. I just gave up and became a compliant, perfect, people pleaser. That was the moment that I died inside. Ironically, my father raged at my independence when I was young. And he raged at my lack of direction after he killed my independence. As a Scapegoat, you are truly damned if you do and damned if you don't.

There is also having your stuff damaged, thrown away, given to someone else, or stolen. I learnt to hide anything that was precious to me from an early age.

My enabling mother's neglect and silence hurt much more than the rage-fueled beatings I endured from my alcoholic father.

Went no contact 15 years ago. Now I just need a video to explain how to get those blood suckers to leave me alone.

I am an atheist. The abuse I was subjected to was unbearable. It wasn't until one sibling married a malignant narcissist that I began, eleven years ago, to research narcissistic personality disorder. One of my siblings, the golden child, is a covert narcissist. She has always undermined me to her children, and spread her poison to extended family. The attack must be somewhat convincing as I was not invited to one of my niece's wedding. Recently I learned I have a genetic disorder.

I detest the "my truth"/ "your truth" crap. That is the very thing that causes a child to be deemed a Scapegoat. We all don't get our own "truth." Truth is fact, not feelings or experiences. My "truth" was that I was full of impotent rage and righteous indignation and jealousy. I sucked at every. single. thing. If they thought I was bad, I'd show them how bad I could be. At 12, "my truth" changed, when my 20-year-old cousin was killed by a drunk driver. That devastated me. He was a beautiful boy. That is THE TRUTH. I felt such intense grief and guilt and shame for not being the one who died. It should have been me, after all, I was defective. Everyone thought so. After my cousin died, "my truth" became that if I was just good enough, I could earn love. Those are feelings, experiences, internalized, unconscious emotions. Those aren't "truth." It touches some deep down angry child in me. Because, as a Scapegoat, you spend your whole life living someone else's idea of what the truth is. You go out in public, after a rage-fueled beating, and have to smile. While your parents rave about how wonderful their Golden Child is. And complain to anyone in earshot, that if it weren't for this shitty, little rat, we'd be a happy family. As a Scapegoat, you can't say THE TRUTH out loud. You have to live "their truth." Well, eff that. I'm not suspending reality for the sake of anyone's need to have their own facts. My father's "truth" was that I was a rotten egg, deserving of rage-beatings. (Why? I don't know. Because I had an independent spirit? Because I didn't look like him, but looked just like my mom? Because I spoke "the truth," calling him out on his hypocrisy and drinking? Who knows? But, he never would have been honest with himself and told me THE TRUTH.) My mom's "truth" was that we were a happy family. The truth was she totally voided out and pretended nothing bad was going on. And if she wasn't the one getting hit, our family was "healthy." She was abandoned as a child and feared, above everything else, being abandoned by my dad. That is the truth. She admitted it to me. But, it wasn't "her truth" when I was a little kid. My Golden Child older sister's "truth" was that our family would have been a happy family if it weren't for me. I was the reason why my dad drank. She told me this a few years back. Awesome. Me. The last kid. I was the reason. THE TRUTH is that I was just a little kid with an alcoholic father and an enabling, codependent mom and a Golden Child sibling, who my parents poured all of their praise and love in to. THE TRUTH is that my family is totally dysfunctional. But, by God, if I said that out loud as a little kid, I would have had the shit beaten out of me. "My truth," indeed.

Seek support at 200hour _ 😂 Not likely when most sg been marginalized

I'm your textbook scapegoat! My mother allowed my stepfather to sexually abuse me from the time I was a baby. I was the oldest of all the kids so I had extraordinary responsibilities. Long story short, I went no-contact with my mother as an adult and after her death reunited with my siblings only to find the power struggles you described was happening and unbeknownst to me I was, in their minds, already "out of the fold". Years later and after many failed attempts to build relationships with them (thinking, like you said, we would be able to) I have a brother and sister who have completely taken over her role in the family, turned THEIR children against me (I have nieces and nephews I've never been allowed to meet) but, worst if all, I recently found out that all the sexual molestation I endured my entire childhood was MY FAULT! Like you said, literally soul shattering! I'm devastated and struggling so much. My baby sister is my only connection now through our love of Christ but she currently lives with the sister who took over Mom's role, no one knows we speak, which is difficult in itself, but just being in conversations with her about the family, hearing about the continued nightmare that is our family, and seeing the dynamics repeat itself to this day has me just....its like being traumatized over and over again. My sister can't defend me nor do I want her to bear the weight of having to deal with my fate but, damn! I'm dying over and over again. Lately, I just can't stop crying from the pain and I feel like I'll never heal from the betrayal and continued, relentless defamation just to maintain control over the others. Lord Lord, I pray and beg for comfort and relief from this hell 🙏🙏🙏🙏✝️

We isolate because it was the only safe place as a child.

@PaigeSquared. Please try to make peace with the fact that your parent robbed you of your God-given right to a loving, healthy relationship with your siblings by painting you as a bad child. You were not, you were simply learning about the world with a child's mind and heart. ❤ And yes, your parent's actions were evil. But with Jesus, you CAN find peace in your soul!

Longtime Scapegoat here. Went no contact for approximately 20 years, but was drawn back in by divorce/breast cancer double-whammy. My Golden Child younger brother was not happy about my new inclusion. Our paths never crossed, as he historically had his own xmas/holidays with our parents and my sister & I got the scraps the next day. After 3 or so years 'in,' he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Melanoma. Hijacked my Oncologist and told him I was bipolar. I was on the tail end of lengthy treatment and ended up securing a different doctor, as HE got in on the game: During a check-up exam, when I relayed I was upset and finally said I knew he was treating my brother, the doctor snidely replied "He's been here many times without your knowledge and you were fine." I had asked for an antidepressant (having a terrible time with medical menopause @ age 50) and he said I was bipolar. Am not. When I exited the exam room, my narc Scapegoat brother was coming out of the next room. Would not acknowledge me. I was behind him in line at the reception counter to make a future appointment, tears streaming down my face. He was seething. At his funeral, I was verbally attacked and/or outright ignored by a lifetime of enablers to my family system. He wouldn't have even wanted a funeral, as he knew he had no friends. My dual narc parents (incredibly cheap) composed an epic obituary, as though Royalty died. My brother wasn't religious, but it was a catholic service with a priest who had never even met him. Entire eulogy by the priest was ABOUT HIM ("I also like to hunt"). It was incredibly HOT and humid, but there wasn't even a water fountain to get a drink of water. Narc mother snubbed caring neighbors from 50 years ago, while her sister (my Aunt) told me what a disappointment I am and how I hurt my mother when I went away. Walked away after my pedophile uncle was sentenced to prison. I was molested/raped 4 times by age 16 due to parental negligence.

Thank you so much for your deeply helpful work, Rebecca. I would love to request a deep dive video on the anger stage that you mentioned in this video. It’s a stage I’ve been trying to move through for quite a while, and I feel stuck. Thank you again for all of your wisdom and help.

For me, the emotional aftermath from leaving abusive family was that I lost everyone. Nieces, nephews, friends, Aunts and Uncles. Nobody would talk to me. Also, you will not get support of friends who will be incapable of understanding your No Contact decision. You stand alone. You must be resolute and accept that you will not have any understanding about a very transformative aspect in your life.

The hardest part of getting through this is the fact that no one in my family will admit to it. Their abuse has been covert and it has now morphed into neglect. I have been brainwashed and I keep doubting myself. They are good with words and they always have a good reason for every hurtful incident. The self-doubt is deeply instilled in me and I struggle to believe that I have a right to my feelings and I have a right to voice them. This is hard.

Most valuable channel on the internet possibly.. I just spent a long weekend with whole family. I have a lot of cousins I adore and always have. I have withstood the most heinous evil cruel humiliating shit just to see family. I mostly avoid all family much of my life but... I really wanted to see everyone. I will now spend the next several days healing after. The absolute reversal to who I am and what I have achieved but flooding of kindness and sweetness toward everyone else even strangers is the cruelest and most unbelievable thing I have ever seen. Nobody has literally EVER understood it and they always think I must have done something to deserve it. I spent much of my life secretly feeling like shit no matter what I accomplished or did in my life. I am honest and hard working and people adore me- in my family and yet I get treated like there is something suepr wrong with me. Abusers are evil. I can't even pray for them anymore. They need their own special place in hell.

Your siblings are not your friends in a narc family

What hurts the most is seeing these aholes going about having a good life while you’re damaged goods. It’s really so unjust.

It’s just pure crazy-making. How do people get so effed up? I know my mom had a bad childhood but she’s so sick

is there such thing as falling into the narrative trap? "you are angry, you are angry, you are unstable, you've changed..." on and on and on... this has lead me to freak out and now they have all turned their backs on me. This is not to justify my behaviour... just been beating myself up all week about how I fell into the trap. :( I feel like such a fool for falling into it.

I related to all these, also I would add low self worth, not even believing yourself, needing others to validate your reality. Feeling like an outsider often. Often thinking people are mad at you.

You've described the story of my life. At 61 I am trying to be my authentic self for the first time. I was everyone's scapegoat since I could walk. I had to eliminate every toxic, narcissistic relationship (which was most everyone) and trying to purge the shame, guilt and resentment (at myself and others) for tolerating intolerable abuse and rejection. Spent my whole life begging for love and acceptance and never found it, just like my mother predicted and worked tirelessly to make sure it happened. You have to leach out the lifetime of poison and scrape off the layers of protection you put on yourself to get down to who you were born to be before the abuse. Its not easy :/ But my life is filled with the love of my dogs who showed me the only unconditional love I have ever known.

Thank you so much for this video. I recently understood for the first time at age 52 what is going on in my family. It is hurting me so much and has caused so much toxic shame that I am going to have to exit my family. I have been feeling like I just want to disappear, like I can't face anything in my life. I was beating myself up for it. Now I understand that what I am feeling is grief. I am anxious to read the article you mentioned and I am going to buy your book. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have a better understanding of what I am going through. Thank you.

Sometimes i wake up in so much pain and sadness, and see your videos that validate what I have experienced. Thank you

🐻🐻It's been about 5 years for me now. I did it fast with my Mother and I guess the word spread fast as I have not heard from anyone else in the family since, which just verifies that she manipulates and controls them all. I originally came across this issue via Narc vids that just didn't quite grasp the truth of what was going on in my dysfunctional family. While there may be narcissism taking place, it is far from being the reason for what happened in my case. This is all about generational childhood trauma which ultimately led to all the dysfunctional behaviors. Getting them to understand it is not even a possibility and will just lead to further frustration & abuse so No Contact was the best option for me is all. It definitely was not a decision made lightly. Good luck to you all.🐻🐻

It’s so good to actually have a name for what happened to me.

All very nice, but what when you reach 56 and discover you are AUDHD. There was something wrong with you, you were weird . People didn't like you due to the uncanny Valley effect. The family was right

I’m still angry.

8:00 "It is very rare for someone who has been inoculated in a family system to see the light, and if you use the word ABUSE, watch people's brains flip over!" I've been getting cyberstalk by family of origin for 8 years now. I just had to do a factory reset of my phone yesterday. Obviously my parents are in on it but they used to just pretend like they were unaware of what my siblings were doing. Undocumented and everything and I'm going to press charges if I can because it's a federal offense to hack someone's phone across state lines like that. Anyway, hope dies last, and I'm glad that you're helping kill off that last bit of foolish hope I might even have in me. I've suffered enough unwarranted humiliation to ever dignify anything they ever extend to me again. I'm determined on the NO CONTACT path for life and I'm glad that videos like yours are out here. PS--I was really let down the last time two of them showed up out of nowhere of my three siblings. I'll have nothing to do with any of them nor their kids at this rate ever again

How do we contact Rebecca ?? I need to find FSA aware therapist in Australia

Now that my parents are passed away, I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. Not that I’m happy they passed away, but my mother being gone is a huge burden off my shoulders, as she was diagnosed with NPD.

A family is only as healthy as the parents

I went to therapy because I genuinely believed I was the problem and there was something wrong with me. Nearly two years later and I realise it isn't me, I'm the family scapegoat. I grew up in an incredibly dysfunctional, narc filled family and was abused mentally and physically. I wouldn't have even said I was abused before therapy, I knew I was unhappy, but thought everyone's family was like mine.

I habe an assault charge bcus my dad strangled me on the garage floor. I refised to fight it amd put my dad on the stand. My sister handed poice my pariphinalia. She uses more drugs than inever have. My mom had me arrested amd left me in jail a month to learn a lesson but my sister was only an hour from being with me and get arrested. They bought her a $24,000 car bcus she has a lil girl.... i have a som

Thank you for the advice. I've been a scapegoat for 22 years. It ends today!

My three siblings are stinking garbage who abandoned me 33 years ago. Yet again, The Escape Artists, Saving Their Own Skins. These siblings took bribes from rich juvenile delinquents a long time ago, to split from their eldest sister and parents. Mark my words, God is watching! God Almighty is watching!