Highly Sensitive People, How to Repair, and Talking About Talking: November Mailbag

What can I do if my partner dominates conversations about our relationship? How can I navigate situations where I want to repair, but other people don’t? What’s a “highly sensitive person,” and how does it relate to conditions like complex PTSD, ADHD, and autism? In this episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick and I open up the mailbag and answer questions from listeners.
If you’d like to have a question answered on the podcast, you can join us on Patreon or send it in to [e-mail].
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
2:05 What can I do when my partner dominates relationship conversations, but also complains about me “interrupting?”
12:40 How can you repair with family members…when they don’t want to repair?
23:00 Why do intrusive thoughts arise late at night? How can we address them?
27:15 I give to a fault in my relationships. What can I do?
33:25 How do you work with the tendency to be overly competitive?
40:00 What do you think about the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) “diagnosis?” How does it relate to conditions like complex PTSD, ADHD, and autism?
54:45 Recap
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Who Am I: I'm Forrest, the co-author of Resilient (amzn.to/3iXLerD) and host of the Being Well Podcast (apple.co/38ufGG0). I'm making videos focused on simplifying psychology, mental health, and personal growth.
You can follow me here:
🎤 apple.co/38ufGG0
🌍 www.forresthanson.com
📸 / f.hanson

[@AJ22-80]

Love you guys for so many reasons ❤ As an HSP, your voices so soothe and your content is so helpful and useful. My nervous system thanks you 😊

[@vlouise8503]

I hope you know how many people you comfort/empower/acknowledge/guide/teach through these conversations. You are loved. ❤

[@johannechouinard287]

I am an HSP. And with the pandemic, it became my SuperPower. I've come a long way and now my husband is healing with his family. Thanxxxx to people like you ! We're 70 and 72 y y and feel 30 but with wisdom. Great work !! 😊

[@lindaelarde2692]

Elaine Aron and her husband, Arthur Aron, a statistician, found the highly sensitive trait in 100 other species, at a rate of about 15-20% of the population...including some kinds of fish! Their theory of how this benefits the population group as a whole is fascinating!

[@The-Finisher]

The high focus on trauma these days fascinate me. Two individuals can experience the same thing and one is not highly impacted and the other can come away traumatized. High sensitivity, is it a neurological difference leading to traumatized individuals? It seems it becomes a chicken and egg question.

[@casario2808]

@@The-Finisher That's an interesting point. Although who knows if there are other factors/processes/traits that explain why some people can not be highly impacted by trauma. To me it gets to the point they were talking about re: categorizations. My own hunch (being a highly sensitive person) is there are more "external" cultural/societal influences that can promote the manifestation of the sensitivity trait, but I dunno...could be some pre-dispositional elements too. Anyway, I dont find being highly sensitive an issue, (glad I'm not highly INsensitive lol)

[@ForrestHanson]

It's really interesting stuff, people can check out studies like this one if they'd like to learn more: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4086365/ In terms of what exact % of the population qualifies for "highly sensitive," it feels like there's a lot of variation in quoted numbers. Aron has said "15-20%," studies like this one put it at more like 30%: www.nature.com/articles/s41398-017-0090-6 Seems likely that a lot of this just comes down to how you choose to define terms.

[@evadebruijn]

​@@The-FinisherTo quote Bessel Vanderkolk (who is specialized in trauma, see book The body keeps the score): Genetics load the gun, environment pulls the trigger. ✌️

[@middleofnowhere1313]

aaaaa! it me! I gotta hear this. I have a chatty Cathy too. I have no intention to shut him down but man there has to be some balance.

[@user-ff5mk5mw4y]

HSP I’m a 66 year old, sensitive person. I spend most of my social time in Gay and Trans communities. Thank you for talking about this. I see in so many young folks, lump themselves into self Diagnosis of Autism ADHD etc because they have been on the outside of normal parameters of society. Your conversation has helped me understand why I feel connected and yet distant!

[@laurelinlorefield318]

On the HSP topic, if you look at the characteristics of high-IQ people, you will also find high levels of physical and emotional sensitivity. It's another form of neuro-divergent brain wiring. I think we have a clear pattern developed here. There are likely multiple reasons for this sensitivity, which may account for differences in how people feel these sensitivities.

[@katiestewart1361]

"How do we practice with futility?" If ever there was an episode-worthy question... Please seriously consider giving this topic inimitable Rick and Forrest coverage. ✨ For this show, and all you do, thank you.

[@lindaelarde2692]

Personal distress tolerance...my new favorite! I tick all the boxes for an HSP and I pick up on a y and all micrvibes in social interactions. I've done a lot of self reflection and have found i can hold space for the distress. But, when it's close family...im still very vulnerable. The stakes feel so high.

[@danamckerrow9902]

1:01:59 Agreed; and Dr Russell Barkley reminds us that it's the detrimental impact of diagnostic criteria that is of vital importance.

[@NolaCaffey]

Thank you for this conversation. About competition - cooperation and competition are on a continuum, and both are essential skills. Humans do both all the time without thinking, often for subconscious reasons. It would be transformative on many levels, from friendships to global politics, to be aware of the balance between competition and cooperation. You cannot just choose between them as a life strategy, as in "left" and " right" politics. After all, narcissism is a form of compulsive competition. Codependence, cartels and monopolies are inappropriate forms of cooperation. "Winning" does not always mean being the most ruthless competitor, but can include effective teamwork and healthy marriages. Open consideration of the balance between cooperation and competition would transform psychotherapy, too.

[@teachertalks]

Loved this mailbag! Saved for future repeat listens as well. The last little gem from Rick about looking inside ourselves to find the quiet part of us that is safely undisturbed was just the cherry on top. I must have re-listened to that part at least 7 times. Made me cry. I have been so unnecessarily agitated and activated lately with balancing life as a middle/high school teacher and mom of two young kids and hearing that last little piece of advice (along with the entire mailbag) just really helped me connect with my true self - i.e. the woman and mom who is not snappy with her kids and irritated by the holidays, but the woman and mom who is looking forward to having some time off of work and family time. So thank, you thank you as always for your generous and thoughtful work, both of you!

[@setarehnafisi]

I really enjoy your talks. The content and the energy. Thank you for making these!

[@ForrestHanson]

Thank you!

[@bronsonmcdonald5473]

Thank you for this episode. I am an HSP so I appreciate the discussion about the relationship between being an HSP and Complex PTSD. I enjoy the dynamic between Forrest and Rick. Also I loved ( at 53:15) Rick's reminding us about who we are at our deepest level. It actually made my body relax. Thank you ❣️

[@Rebecca0010]

I love that you are talking about these things. I have my own issue with talking, like I will talk about my creative interests and it’s worse when I’m anxious.

[@cindybello1915]

Loved the opening phrase from Rick.

[@mellowray561]

Thank you for that beautiful quote. I’m going to write it down. I’m watching this because I’m the talker! Lots of love to you both.

[@bellaluce7088]

I'm guessing you mean this quote :55 from Nkosi Johnson (paraphrased by Rick). I liked it too! : - ) "Do all that you can, With what you’ve been given, In the place where you are, In the time that you have."

[@janedmunds4218]

I think Arthur Ashe too said it this way: Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.

[@dublingirl1691]

I really could relate to what Forest said about listening to podcasts. 23:35 It was very good to hear him explain how he experienced his thoughts on how they sometimes left him feeling

[@mellowray561]

@@bellaluce7088 yes!

[@bellaluce7088]

@@mellowray561 : - )

[@petra5499]

Beautiful topic and answered from many perpectives❤

[@catherinecarter4934]

Love to watch your facial expressions!! Great content.

[@kccolby7562]

You guys are awesome! So glad I found your channel ❤️

[@RemyNas24]

I love rick !!!

[@Neblinaization]

Always great to listen to you guys!

[@Gayooiyer]

Thank you for this video

[@jennw6809]

Great episode as always 🙂

[@ForrestHanson]

Thank you!

[@peacefulisland67]

As a person who can be long winded :/ I've come to recognize it's partly due to ADD (lose my focus often, especially when tired, hungry or overwhelmed) but mostly because I'm scared. As a kid, I rarely spoke (violence in the home) but by the time I hit my mid 30's and a long term relationship my mouth went on autopilot. Now I challenge myself with compassion to relax and know I am safe. The relationship didn't survive, BTW, mostly because I became myself and we were no longer "compatible".

[@llkellenba]

15-20% population possesses the HSP trait according to the references I’ve read…I identified and noted one of my 4 children also has this constellation of specific traits - many are sensory and emotional characteristics.

[@minerva7217]

Ha, I like the reference to the term "Filibustering" to describe those who monopolize the conversation. My mother has a lifelong friend who since I was a child has done this. If you start a conversation with "I just bought a house..." before you can say anything about that, she will interrupt and tell you everything about her experience of buying a house. And from there, she just loves to hear the sound of her own voice. It is so bad that whenever my Dad would call to speak with her husband, she would interrupt their conversation and my Dad eventually finds a way to get off the phone with her after not getting more than a brief exchange with her husband. I am pretty sure this is a pathological trait in her.

[@QuantumMechanic8]

Very helpful episode. Thank you! In the discussion where FORREST talked about planning events, it seemed to me the problem caregivers face related to doing for others was not included as often we don't have the agency of choice - often even enforced by law. That's significant and without that people would feel negatively about themselves for not having that agency, when, in fact, they do not have that agency. Thoughts?

[@The-Finisher]

Lumpers and splitters 🤭✨👍❤️

[@casario2808]

Seemed to me there was a fairly strong notion of the "normalness" of being a sensitive person even in the 90s, also aligned with what was happening in the art, music and even film world. Almost like icons from Kurt Cobain to Lady Di were in part so celebrated BECAUSE they had that openly recognized "sensitivity", and indeed the flood gates have opened since, and at 30% distribution, agree its just kinda "normal" or in the spectrum of it. Nothing wrong with coming to our senses :) - or starting to (In another 20 years in may be >50%.)

[@AlterRenee99]

With question 1, I was married to a man who did this, and he turned out to be a narcissist. I left him at the end of the 4th year.

[@debrahuynh261]

What do you think about couples who can’t communicate with each other?

[@RemyNas24]

What about colleagues 😂😂😂

[@cyndijohnson5473]

I personally hate the “let me finish” crowd. Having a “conversation” with them is more like receiving a long-winded lecture

[@RemyNas24]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@shahilagh]

You r such a ppl pleasing sweet person total contrast to your girl. It s as if it is your mother and totally opposite to your behaviours upfront and angry ! Why doesn’t your dad give you support