Foster parent being asked about adoption

Foster parents: had this happened to you?
In many areas, case workers are required to ask about adoption very early into the case (sometimes on day one).
This can be hard to reconcile as a foster parent who is focused on reunification. It can add stress for a child who may hear this conversation (yes, many workers ask right in front of the child 😑).
Workers: please handle this convo with care.
Foster parents: I share so you are prepared (I was not prepared the first time it was asked of me!). If you notice the child is within ear shot, consider pausing and asking for this convo to be done over the phone in private. Additionally, please know that it is ok to not have an answer. This is a big decision and my personal opinion is that this should be handled differently.
Again, personal opinion, many people are not able to separate these plans in their mind and heart (reunification and adoption). SO much can happen during a case: reunification, relative moves, appeals, ICWA involvement, siblings being born, etc. Adding in adoption or a potential can be conflicting and hard to manage emotionally.
What do you think? Agree or disagree with this aspect of child welfare? When should this convo happen? Has a worker brought it up to you? Please share your experiences ⬇️
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[@AbbyWoodlandAuthor]

I’d call them out if they ask about it in front of the kids. NOTHING should be discussed in front of the kids until it’s permanent and only good things. None of the adult crap. Workers should know this.

[@nataliekubus1041]

Absolutely 100%. This just solidifies that these social workers sometimes do NOT have the best interest of the child at heart.

[@natsukiilluna6324]

And then the kid should still be asked if they are okay with it!

[@DVNGhostNBUNNy]

Ty for this comment I am literally fighting this very thing! My child literally tried to run away because of CPS discussing in front of my child getting on to me all because of getting an extra hug and kiss when I was leaving my visit and my child knew that wasn't right and he ran into the woods crying I ignored them and ran after my child and they didn't say anything else to me about still being there because I was the only one who could talk him down out of the woods. My visit ends at 5 and I get a 10 sec extra loving and it was completely unnecessary to even say anything unless it was actually something bad for my child or if it was anything more than that but They are so nasty in many many cases and it's such a sad broken system that it destroys families instead of helping. My child once he's finally home he will be so happy and so will we but we will all carry this especially my son for his whole life. His trauma wasn't at home but cps traumatized all of us by their broken system taking kids who shouldn't be taken and then traumatizing their life in the system.

[@Samantha-zu3qe]

@@nataliekubus1041 please, please note that the social services providers or CPS case workers are not all social workers. Social work is a specific program with a code of ethics, governing body, and licensure. Some case managers have degrees in English, business, or have experience in other areas (teaching, nannying, or working in daycare for example). While they can be amazing at their job, sometimes they just don’t have the same skill set as a Social Worker with a degree from an accredited university. And unfortunately, as with all caring professions (ie jobs seen as women’s work), the pay is low and the work demanding. There aren’t enough Social Workers to fill roles within social services, so sometimes putting a warm body in a position wins out. Sorry that was a bit long, but the term social work should be a protected title (like nurse, physical therapist, or CPA are).

[@suen5006]

@@Samantha-zu3qe It is. I'm a case worker but I can't just decide to call myself a social worker.

[@TizzySnik]

I was asked this in front of my foster child. I said I wasn’t comfortable answering that with her in the room, but I was pressured into answering anyway. I said it was something I’d consider, and that got my foster child really excited. Two months later I had to say goodbye while she moved back with her bio mum. I’m now godmother to her baby boy, but I wish I didn’t answer the question with her in the room. It made it so much harder for both of us

[@bipolartorecovery1485]

aww, glad it has a happy ending. that was very unprofessional of that caseworker. i hope the bio parent kept it together while she was growing up

[@hicat808]

Do you think they do this to pressure the foster parents into saying yes? It reads as really manipulative to me, since how are you supposed to say no in front of the kid?

[@TizzySnik]

@@hicat808 I’m not sure. Our social worker didn’t really like me in the first place, so she probably wanted me to say yes and the place my foster child with me permanently

[@MsEyelinered]

@@TizzySnik If she didn’t like you, why would she want to place a child with you permanently?

[@kelsey_3325]

I’m so glad you’re still in her life

[@zacgallenlover911]

“Adoption is a bigger decision than marriage” is a great line. Neutral way to show the gravity of the situation ❤

[@rebekahjimenez2808]

Did you mean brevity or gravity?

[@zacgallenlover911]

@@rebekahjimenez2808 Haha!! Autocorrect! Thanks so much 🥲

[@moonlitskylight5740]

​@@rebekahjimenez2808Gravity works here too.

[@solsystem1342]

​@@moonlitskylight5740 It said brevity first. Gravity is the corrected version

[@bipolartorecovery1485]

and accurate! you can end a marriage with divorce, but you can't disown an adoption, or at least not legally to my knowledge

[@lidiakocsis9068]

So true. In Romania during cofid my 7 month old baby ended up in foster care while I almost died of pneumonia. I took him back. But it was a hard thing for me to understand why the social worker did everything in her power to give my baby up for adoption. She even lied to the judge. I have my son back with me ... but it scares me how something that was meant to help me ended up hurting me

[@jennifermckinley8477]

😳😲😮 That was so messed up....I'm so sorry that happened to you

[@babiesandbuddies]

That's awful 💔. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

[@slithra227]

There's an adoption market for Romanian kids in the states/Canada. People make a lot of money for international adoptions. It's hella fucked up

[@lidiakocsis9068]

@@slithra227 exactly. That social worker is lucky I am not as crazy as she portrayed me to be

[@r.j.whitaker]

​@@slithra227It's all about money. The greed of those people is poisonous.

[@kimberlythompson7946]

Coming from someone who just reunified i can't say enough how much a person like you, a custodian like you is the ideal of how every foster parent should act and feel. You understand that ppl (parents) sometimes mess up and that doesn't always mean they don't want their kids. I wish everyone (every child) that has the heartache of having to be in this kind of situation had a amazing understanding person like you in their corner!❤❤

[@zacgallenlover911]

I hope your reunification is going well friend ☀️

[@DVNGhostNBUNNy]

Exactly exactly how I felt when I found these videos! I'm like wow this is what you don't often see but pray for your child to experience till you fix what the broken cps system has done to your family. I know sometimes cps does right by taking the child but I know from expirience I've whitnessed them taken from good homes and put in bad 😢🙏🏻💙 congratulations on reunification I pray you get your baby back soon and forever get CPS out of y'all's life.

[@catie5939]

it's so wild how this perspective isn't more common. 💜💜💜

[@kristinawebb9615]

I agree I reunified with mine 4 years ago and we were an active reunification process and they were still asking these questions to the family fosterer

[@kaykanut8778]

I'm soooo happy for you mama!! I reunified almost 10 years ago and it's a feeling you can't describe! My girls are thriving, so smart, kind, loving, beautiful and doing great! Luckily our oldest was only 5-7 months old when she was in foster care, and I was pregnant with our second daughter, I spent another year in a group home where I could be with them, then we moved into the home we still live in to this day, it'll be 10 years in 2 weeks! We got custody back in November 2013. It's hard seeing content like this and the bad memories come flooding back, but I love seeing there are amazing people out there that actually care about us bio parents who, yeah, made mistakes, but are really trying. Good luck and I'm so so happy for you ❤

[@Wisteria337]

Love that you consider adopting a bigger decision than marriage. You can get a divorce but children are supposed to be forever. I was adopted as an infant then my adoptive parents severely, severely abused me. I left at 14. That was their commitment. 14 years. Thank you for all the wonderful things you do.

[@thisisamandagoins]

I'm so deeply sorry.

[@musthavemoxie]

❤

[@jenniferwalter4452]

I'm so sorry to hear this. 💔

[@annataymond9529]

It should be, leaving/failing another adult is much much different than a child.

[@natalina8593]

I feel your pain. You can get through this. Just focus on healing your inner child they’re in their somewhere

[@Aidan-uq9ci]

Adoption is huge. My older sister was kinda coerced in that way and it didn’t end well, she ended up putting my brother in a boys home and kicking me out to live on my own and her reasoning was it was “harder than I thought it would be” to care for us. Please consider every part of child care before adopting, including the uncomfortable and the ugly.

[@ShayeDbug]

I agree but disagree. Having a child especially by adoption is going to actually derail your current life. You have or at least should have a new focal point, the kids. If someone is hellbent on being there they will. It doesn't matter the size of the "job" the love will always be more.

[@toriibarlow]

I would be so angry if this was asked to me in front of kids. That feels manipulative to make you immediately answer yes.

[@karliebradham5158]

I was so blessed the courts said no concurrent plan! I spent two years working my butt off to get my angel back and I was crushed to think I could lose her forever and not all addicted parents are like me, but I got sober and clean and I've stayed that way for 2 years and 9 months. The foster family was amazing but I told them when I lost her that I was going to fight to get her back and prove to everyone and myself I can be the mother she needs. I just happened to have my case during COVID so it lasted a lot longer than normal

[@lostineggsaisle]

Good for you for getting clean and staying that way. So many people dont and people want to write off all addicts as lost causes. Im a lottle 8 years sober, so i completely understand.

[@blueeyedbatman]

Unfortunately there's also another side to this. We ran a foster care and we had two brothers for a while who THRIVED with us and we adored them. They were 5 and 7 when they came to us and neither could speak more than 10 words. By the end they were ASKING us to stay. As soon as we brought up adoption, they took them and sent them to live with a super distant relative. They had never met the boys and they were so far removed that they barely qualify as family. It was heartbreaking.

[@Aelffwynn]

That is so heartbreaking. I'm sorry that happened to your family. I don't know why the system is allowed to do things like that. There shouldn't be any sudden changes without the kid's input unless it's an emergency or there's abuse involved. I understand kinship ties can be super important. Growing up without that can be really hard for kids. But if you have a good thing going with foster parents, why can't they just encourage the distant relatives to get to know the children, and let the child decide after getting to know everyone?? I hope the kids and you are all doing okay. I'm sure your love means a lot to them and that you made a wonderful difference in their lives.

[@AmethystEyes]

Where was this?

[@stephaniespc]

We understand that some people think that we are such trash that our identities need to be wiped but extended biological family is a better option so that we do not have our identity wiped and we still have connections with siblings and cousins. Adoption is trauma and we actually need trauma therapy. It is wonderful when foster parents are able to help us heal a trauma but we don't really owe them flesh because they are willing to do that.. Biological family had been probably getting ghosted for a long time and they probably had to fight to be able to get them while you were fostering them.

[@kpoppy9635]

Because they look at it like you are trying to "take" the kids from their biological family. Cause there are some crazy foster parents out there who try to do that because they want to adopt kids but not because its in the child's best interest. Unless...you were trying to take those kids because you wanted to adopt. But honestly they should stop placing foster kids in homes where parents want to adopt unless the kids already have parental rights terminated and have nowhere else to go. Then they could avoid situations like this.

[@lostineggsaisle]

​@@Aelffwynnpart of it is funding. Another part is time. They pay foster homes for their services and all cps cases they have time frames yhat need to be worked around. They qould all ratger the kids be with biological family than not and sometimes they dont have the time within the case for a smooth gradual transition. Sometimes they do and they take advantage of being able to have visits beforehand. Those visits are only looking for signs of not being appropriate for yhe children.

[@tjmartin6632]

Feeling out the foster parents in case TPR and adoption are eventually necessary is understandable, BUT I don’t think this should EVER be discussed around the kids, unless and until TPR and adoption have been determined as necessary. We were asked this right after our first foster child came to us. They go ahead and start asking around (foster parents and the child/ren”s extended family members..) so they can make a concurrent permanency plan in case reunification ends up not being possible. But in front of the children?? Please, No

[@allison7483]

Thank you for including "next of kin" adoption. It's important and not everyone acknowledges how that sort of adoption can be really good for kids and families

[@9JJ871]

​@@allison7483 extended family and community should always be prioritized. It should be automatic, we shouldn't have a child's aunt having to fight a foster parent to keep their family intact. It's sad how many children are lost to adoption and siblings separated.

[@TabbyeLynne]

Wait, the children's extended family is only contacted about adopting them AFTER the foster parents say no?? That's insane! The foster parents shouldn't be asked until after they made sure no family members can take them, blood should always come first

[@thejava.witchiswhispering]

I used to be a transporter for kids who are in foster care. Essentially I would pick these kids up and take them to parental visitation, where their case manager was supposed to be present to supervise. We transporters wound up doing all the supervising. I had no training. No de-escalation training, I did not know the laws around what was okay at visits, what wasn't okay around visits, what needed to be reported to case managers, etc. I almost let slip once that a foster family was being considered for potential adoption to a bio mom who's parental rights were about to be terminated, when she believed that she was making great progress toward reunification. The system isn't just flawed. It's f*****.

[@thejava.witchiswhispering]

Just for clarification, this was my first big girl job, and the only reason I got the job is because I spent the majority of my younger brothers early life raising him for my negligent mom. So I had great experience with kids. 🙄 I don't even think I had a GED at this point.

[@9JJ871]

The system doesn't exist to protect children at all. It exists to police and punish. Adoption treats the kids like objects, not people. In France they have simple adoption where both bio and adoptive parents have rights amd responsibilities to the child. But in the US it's just people feeling entitled to own someone else's kids.

[@zosijana123]

I love how you show how to be assertive yet kind, polite and "nice" at the same time. This is so helpful in all life situations in general, especially for us "people pleasers"

[@jabrayjay6679]

An astute observation!

[@AmaraJordanMusic]

It’s called using “soft language.” Very diplomatic. I’m going into Social Work to pay for my Clinical Psychology Master’s and Doctorate and it’s a handy tool to have when playing nice with others. 😅

[@claram5482]

Where I live, fostering and adoption are two separate processes and you can either take part in one or the other. The idea is that foster families will always work towards reunification. I think this is the safest option so that foster families won't (wittingly or unwittingly) sabotage or badmouth bio parents. It also helps foster parents understand where they stand and what their actual role is.

[@dharmadoll5387]

This should be the standard for sure. Foster to adopt pathways seem like they have a built-in conflict. I think the absolute only possible exception would be for a baby that was planned to be given up prior to birth.

[@meagancrow5506]

The hard thing about that is that if a situation gets to the point of parental termination the children are with a foster family for over a year. They build a home and create bonds. Telling them at that point they can't stay in a loving home with people who care about them is cruel.

[@9JJ871]

HAPs should not foster. They will inevitability sabotage family reunification, even if they aren't malicious, though many times they are malicious because they want a chuld more than they want what's best for the child. We need to do away with adoption from faster care entirely, and use legal guardianship if there really is no family. If people can't care for a child without tearing apart their identities, then they shouldn't be caring for a child.

[@annaf3915]

Clara, I'm curious, where do you live? So interesting how fostering and adoption works so differently in different countries. Here in Austria parental rights are never terminated against the biological parents' wishes but there is a clear distincion between short term foster parents (referred to as crisis placements) and long term foster parents like me that come into play once it has become clear that reunification won't be possible. I heard that very rarely the biological parents are in favor of adoption for financial reasons because they have to pay a kind of alimony to the state for each of their children who are in foster care (depending on their income). But I don't know a single case when this happened.

[@Skelepony]

Where I live it's kinda a combination of both. There are foster families that are strickly just foster homes, there are foster to adopt homes, and then there are homes that are either a combination of both or they can choose what they want to do case by case. For years my family just fosterd, but about two years ago we did end up adopting a girl who had lived with us since she was 9. She's 17 now and we love her very much. 😁

[@CsDsG]

My mom had to testify in court for the maternal TPR of my brother. They didn't bring up adoption until years later. We still opted not to adopt, he has challenges and it would also be easier for us to find his paternal bio family if we had all the workers helping us. He aged out this weekend and we were able to have his bio paternal grandmother at his birthday party! His grandfather lives too far away and his dad has passed. His grandmother was so excited to meet him this past year. She's also helping him get his indigenous status.

[@annaf3915]

That's exactly the advice we got in my foster parenting classes. Here in Austria the system works differently and adoption is hardly ever possible unless the biological parents agree. But the social workers' advice was to wait for a few years to see if you can really handle all the therapeutic needs the child may have without any help from the state. It makes no sense to take on more than you can (financially) handle just so you can share a last name. All the best to you and your family!

[@dharmadoll5387]

@@annaf3915 It's so sad that all the resources kick in for fostering, but not for the bio families - maybe those extra supports were what they needed to be able to keep their kids at home, in some cases. They could need financial resources, access to child care, or transportation, or therapy.

[@annaf3915]

@@dharmadoll5387 I don't know how it works elsewhere but in my country and in the court documents I've seen, CPS need to prove that placing the child with a foster family or in a group home is the last resort "after all other means have been exhausted" (something like this). So the first thing that usually happens is the children get all day daycare, the parents get parenting and housekeeping classes, counseling etc. But it's true that foster parents have it easier in some ways because we can use the monthly allowance per child to pay for private therapies and skip the line, so to say. So we don't get appointments with an occupational therapist arranged for us, we get to pick and choose. And if there are lots of expensive therapies, the monthly allowance can even be increased by 50% (for up to 6 months). So that's definitely unfair.

[@jseehowitsbeen3177]

@dharmadoll5387 bio families in Travis County in the state of Texas, get a ton of support to get their children back and to make sure they’re able to take care of them. They get free addiction treatment, free therapy, free parenting classes, free domestic violence classes, free intensive out-patient group therapy, free food benefits, free diapers, free wipes, free formula for babies, etc. My husband and I are fostering my friend’s baby and because we are considered friends they call it a kinship fostering, and we get no financial help. We’ve been told they would help and give us diapers and formula, but they’ve only given us a small amount of diapers and wipes two times in the 6 months we’ve had my friend’s baby, and only two cans of formula. They gave my friend diapers when she didn’t even have her baby, he was living with us. Not all programs are the same, but when people think that no bio family gets help or free resources that’s just false.

[@jennh5822]

You show such confidence and strength in how you speak. Thank you for teaching us all here how to communicate and advocate.

[@christopherkennedy4564]

All 5 of my kids were foster/adopt. Not once was I ever asked with the kids present, extremely unprofessional and traumatic.

[@chronicallyella1191]

I’ve never thought of how conflicting it must feel to love the kids and be offered adoption but also have been working with the parents so hard. Thank you for your insight x

[@kristingallo2158]

Reality, the monthly checks stop when you take responsibility. You're responsible for the child now, not the state.

[@sapphicalix]

I wish more people were like you. I was adopted as an infant and was horrifically abused by my adoptive guardians. I pretty much lived out of my locker in 8th grade and high school and stayed with whatever friends I could. I left when I was 16 and moved in with my girlfriend until I went to college.

[@sys-foster]

Same on the adopted as an infant and horrifically abused. And I lived out of a teachers room my freshman year; I had a locker but didn't really use it. Unfortunately the only consistent friend I had before adulthood was also in an abusive home, and her mom was 100% okay with extending that to me. But if that friend came over, my home got easier to deal with for that time. I got out at 23, and I now live on my own. They're still in my life, just... as little as possible.

[@katrinascarlet5637]

I don't understand the point of adopting just to abuse the kid. I've heard similar stories but I just don't get the why. A friend of mine was adopted but she no doubt was abused. At the dinner table she'd cry because she felt so guilty just eating food she didn't pay for. Like she'd rather starve than "eat someone else's food" because food was a weapon in her adopted home and it gave her an ED she had to work through. She loved my mom because my mom eventually got through to her that cooking was her way to show affection. Match made in heaven, affection plus guilt-free food. Mom would summon us by sending a picture of food, as broke/hungry/sleep deprived college students, we always came running.

[@lexiwhitmore2197]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Not that you need an internet stranger to tell you this, but you deserved so much better. It's really crushing that innocent babies and kids can be treated like that. I hope you're living the life you want now.

[@Czadzikable]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What did social services do when your teachers reported this? I'm surprised you weren't removed from such an abusive home. And I hope that thanks to you making their abuse known, they will never be able to adopt or foster and so won't be able to hurt other children.

[@Czadzikable]

​@@sys-foster so sorry that this happened to you. There should have been more opportunities for you to report the abuse when you were young and be removed from that environment as soon as possible. But I don't understand why the social services didn't intervene to remove you when the teachers reported issues? (Which they ofc should have seeing how you didn't want to go home and they're mandatory reporters)

[@jaybird7369]

I was taken away from my mum before/around when I was one year old because my dad was unfit to raise a child (he hurt one of my older brothers from another relationship) I'm pretty sure my case manager might have done this with my foster family as well.. my older sister (five years older than me) was able to visit me in my foster home a lot while I was there and she's recently been telling me about this experience that I can't remember at all. My mum worked really hard to get me back the entire ~2-3 years of her parent plan. She got a job at Walmart, came to every single supervised visit, she let me go to vacation with my foster family out of state so I didn't have to get moved in with another family, and eventually she broke up with my dad and cut contact since he didn't want to get better to get me back. According to my sister once my foster family found out that my mum was on track to getting her rights back they started treating me really bad and borderline neglecting me cause I wasn't available for adoption. And I've had a bunch of issues associated with neglect and abandonment issues ever since I can remember. I love the foster care system...

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

You are wonderful, beautiful, amazing, important, and you’re never alone. I’m sorry you went through that. F*** the system, and the ugliness in this world. You shine so bright, that’s why they tried to dim you. You may stumble, but don’t ever let them keep you down. Stand boldly on your own 2 feet, keep your chin up, and move forward with a full heart. That’s how you win. If you ever get anxious, just take some slow deep breaths, come back to this message, and you’ve got a big ol’ hug here for ya 🤗

[@Deadpool4president]

I imagine it's hard enough when the parent hasn't been very communicative, but I can't imagine how much harder it would be if you've talked to the parent and know how much they love their kid and have tried to keep them in their life.

[@nmg6248]

Sometimes caseworkers or Foster parents will literally lie to children and tell them their parents don’t want them home, or they will never be able to go home 😢

[@mklaebel]

That's awful. My girls came to us as teens. We were always honest, but gentle, with them and let them sort of guide the process. In other words, adoption was on the table, but we never stood in the way of reunification.

[@9JJ871]

Yup. Especially foster parents who only become foster parents as a means to adopt.

[@christyparr1563]

I usually don’t watch stuff like this because it is too close to home for me. BUT this one is so real! This is exactly what was done to my children while in “care” for false allegations. The worker made the family want my children so badly that when they were not able to TPR us, they went behind our backs and got guardianship of my son who was too young to speak up and say that he wanted to go home like his big sister did. He was only three while his sister was twelve.

[@Jane-xu5ul]

I find this very disturbing. We have adults only meetings where it is planned what will be talked about with the children and who will deliver the message. Speaking in front of the children about their future just scares them even more then they already are!

[@Jane-xu5ul]

May I also add that I find it very problematic that foster parents are asked to adopt adopting is removing them from the service they give to see these children in grave situations. If all foster parents adopted no one who is qualified and skilled for these difficult situations would be available for the next child in need of these services. In my country fostering is fostering adoption is adoption and they are very rarely mixed.

[@kacyandlaura]

It’s hard to believe that is asked in front of children. It is easy to pick up a piece of paper and write it, pass it to the parent.

[@bettywith2girls]

Or just wait for the child to be out of the room, or outside playing with friends, to ask the parent in private. Seems pretty straight forward...not that hard. I agree...it obviously shouldn't have been asked in front of kids, so I can only presume it's to put pressure on the parent to adopt. I have a friend who adopted 3 kids from one family all at once, while fostering and having had 2 bio kids herself...she said this happens that they want you to not only foster but there's pressure on you to adopt the kids also.

[@Faesharlyn]

Asking that in front of the kids should be grounds for immediate termination

[@meganbessenbacher7107]

While living in a therapeutic community, I met some strong moms who had been living in active mental health crisis / addiction with termination considered certain despite the recent recovery time. We all did a letter writing campaign to the judges, both got the dates pushed. That was 4 years ago, they both are still in recovery parenting daily, 7 total children are thriving and growing in love and security. If you know a parent who is facing this stand with them, for the children. Reunification is Beautiful ❤️ 💙 🙏🏿🙏🏻🙏🏽💙❤️

[@rebeccaspookyduran7864]

We always hear horror stories about adoption agencies, foster parents and adoptive parents and child protective services in general. They're either taking children out of homes that really don't need to be taken out of homes or they aren't doing enough to get children out of homes that these children don't need to be in in the first place.. It is just a breath of fresh air to hear the good side of fostering and to see that there are people out there that do care about these kids and they treat them respectfully and they are patient and they work with the parents. Thank you for what you do. It gives me hope that some of these children will at least find peace and/or hope in their lives. Or be able to work things out at home with the parents. That the parents will be able to get their act together and make things right. I know it has to be a tough job. As much as I think that I would like to help some of these kids sometimes, I know that it's not for me. I'm not saying I would be mean to them or anything like that. I just wouldn't be able to handle it. I would be an emotional wreck. Just knowing what some of the kids had gone through. Or dealing with the bureaucracy of CPS. Or if there was a troubled teen that came into my home and they were causing a ruckus. I would not know how to handle that properly. The world needs more people like you that do the things that you do.

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

Thank you for acknowledging the different aspects of the system. And your own capabilities. If working with youth and families in need of support is your life’s purpose, God/the universe has amazing and wonderful ways of making this happen. It just may not be in the way you think.

[@grrismellwaffles]

You are an incredible person. Your videos have really inspired me to start my own foster care journey when I'm in a stable enough place to do so. Thank you for showing what it means to be a good caretaker and a good human.

[@Kate-rv1id]

What do you say when it is done in front of children? Also, how do you broach this topic with older children who may have opinions on if they want to be adopted or not?

[@adterpandrea]

This is a HUGE issue dating back to the 80s where children are fast tracked to adoption especially for poor families. It's horrible!

[@obsidianlimitless5539]

Why would they ask you this in front of the kids. It just pressures the foster parent into saying yes.

[@jessicareid6540]

I think you answered your own question

[@obsidianlimitless5539]

@@jessicareid6540 yeah, i realize that

[@lisabrooks4688]

This shouldn’t be asked in front of the children but foster parents do have monthly home visits with the caseworker and if approaching a year and the bio parents aren’t making changes they have to have a plan B for kiddos. Usually foster families are asked so if TPR happens kids get permanency.

[@makslargu5799]

@@lisabrooks4688 ​ it sounded like they have to have an adoption placement before TPR is even decided. Which kind of makes me think, is the situation serious enough to warrant TPR or isn’t it? If it is serious enough, there’s no way it should be conditional on finding an adoption placement!

[@kimberleyhosmer5997]

@@makslargu5799 I’m sure there are also availability of homes for placement issues to consider as well. Not everyone is cut out for this job, and with the current generation facing stagnant wages, and rising prices, the supply of foster homes may go down as people struggle to keep ends meeting. It also takes time to screen potential foster parents in order to protect the children placed with them. If there are no homes available, then what can they do with the children even if they feel or even know that the bio parent(s) are abusive? Of course they have to make contingency plans. I agree it shouldn’t be in front of the children, but they are obviously reaching out to family members and foster parents first because they have already been a part of the child’s life and would presumably be most interested in doing what is best for the children placed with them. Timing becomes important since they may have pending legal proceedings and therefore deadlines for finding longer term solutions for kids. I don’t know all the laws, but it seems logical that there would be some statutory requirements for how long they are allowed to give parents to get their cases absolved either by probing allegations false or remedying the things that led them to lose their children in the first place. It would also be logical to assume that laws would define things like what goes into the screening process and how long kids can stay in foster care.

[@Daddy_Jinx666]

First time I heard that question was when I thought the parents were starting their journey of healing and growing, I was like "pardon me?" I ofcoarse said yes because the baby is my nephew but I was only 22 at the time

[@monikal9384]

This is so real and demonstrates the brokenness of the system. They're just checking off boxes...

[@sarahsmith3302]

I am not even a foster mom, but I really enjoy this channel! She is so sweet and has some really great advice for all parents!

[@alexis_daydream333]

my mom was a social worker for 20 years and she never said stuff like this- i’m in shock that people do this. foster care was her last resort she’d try to contact every relative before she even thought about foster care because she knew how hard it is on kids especially teens

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

She sounds like the type of case worker that every foster kid deserves. Unfortunately your mom is the exception to the rule. Almost all caseworkers are Narcissistic, at best.

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

That being said, not all family units are healthy. The worst are when they back each other up in their toxicity. I came from one of those “families”. She used her job position to network with DCF and conspired with them and the police to kidnap my kids, and have them placed with her. This was all found in court, only because one of the case workers slipped up on the stand, and the judge caught it.

[@9JJ871]

In a better world that would be the norm, but most CPS caseworkers are on a power trip. They'll tear apart families just because they can, or because they don't like the parents.

[@samanthakirkland5930]

It’s for these reason my husband and I try to tag team all meeting with workers. One of us speaks to them while the other one takes the kids outside to play while we talk. No kid needs added confusion on their already way to complicated lives.

[@charlylimph]

I work as a supervisor for visitations. Thank you for the work you do trying to give kids a safe place to be when they need it.

[@shannonalexandra160]

Hey Laura, I don’t usually comment but I really appreciate your videos and tips. I always want to be in a place where I can be there for whoever needs it at the time, I hope at some point that includes foster children. ❤ I can totally see why it would be important to talk to the foster parent/s privately about this option, whether or not they have an answer I think it’s good to foresee that things may change in ways that aren’t always expected. However I think (obviously depending on the developmental and emotional capacity of the child/teenager) figure out how they would react or feel in different situations and Let Them Know that “the plan” isn’t always exactly how it works out/it can change. But give them chance for involvement or to not of course if they don’t want to, but make sure they know how much control they have over the situation because children don’t often see it. Coming from the perspective of an 8 year old put into kinship care, I wanted to have a lot more information and choice around the situation I was in, but the adults took over, and for the most part left me out of the process of all the family stuff that was going on-with the best intentions, and I didn’t want to interrupt because it was hard for everyone. They didn’t want to burden me because I was the child, but I think I would have adjusted to the situation better if I had been given more information-in child friendly non legal jargon. and had been told when there was a significant change in the legal situation-nobody told me anything else was an option, the case worker very randomly asked once if I would want to go back and live with one of my parents-which was a lot jarring for me because I didn’t think it was allowed, and contact was stopped. I didn’t find out just HOW MUCH I had been left out of the paper trail until much later. I was like 14 then, it’s now 10 years later and I’m 24. I ended up moving out at 16 with a lot of school support around me. And I’m still trying to get more context for a situation that happened when I was a young child. But I have learned that for me, family is more about who shows up, and accepts you even when you aren’t the person they thought you were-they see the amazing person you are now-usually before you do. I have had a lot of people be part of my chosen family and support system, people who have gone above and beyond for me at some time or another-and I am the most grateful to every single one of them ❤❤❤❤❤

[@mrsjacksonstewart9266]

As an ex foster child whose siblings were all adopted out...all but me....I hate how they go about this...were.children.not dogs!!

[@rileym3176]

This happened to me and my siblings in foster care, we were ready to be adopted assumed it was on track and our parents were losing rights. Even made connections with the foster families extended family / there for almost a year. I didn’t know the full picture but when reunited with my bio parents i held a lot of resentment because I was already at terms with losing them and being adopted by my foster family.

[@Cat-tastrophee]

"Adoption is a bigger deal than marriage" YES! So is having kids. Which is why I think no one should be pressured into taking on parenting if they're not in a good place to do so... 🤫

[@neverknowsjess]

You are one of my favorite creators right now. I’m about to start a job as a social worker. I’m scared out of my mind for this but I actually have a passion for this. I want to make meaningful changes for people and help keep families together when I can. You vids give so much great insight into the other side of social work- The foster families and their often undiscussed struggles. Thank you for being transparent and CARING.

[@sined911]

Urg some adults are so disrespectful to children. You’ve taught me so much humanity, a lot of which should have been common sense. Thank you 🙏

[@lbatemon1158]

Slow your roll, system. I don't understand why there has to be so much pressure on things. I knew a couple who were amazing foster parents who almost gave up because of bad experiences like this. Plus, if you start thinking about adopting and get your hopes up, and then the parents straighten up and figure things out (or, what happened to my friends, a random aunt came out of the woodwork and wanted just one kid and was told she had to take all 3)... There isn't a lot of logic in the system.

[@boobenhymer1]

Unfortunately every situation is different. Mine/ ours was TPR was certainly going to happen so when we took in our kiddo it was for dual placement. First foster then adoption. Kiddo was informed and a part of the conversation so that she wasn't blindsided by the fact she wouldn't be returning.

[@jadedixon3641]

I'm glad your kiddo was informed. I'm a former middle school teacher and one of my 6th graders, my first year teaching, came to my state on a family vacation over the summer and ended up in foster care with his grandparents. He showed up in my classroom a week into the school year. Really nice kid. A month into the school year he comes to my class on the brink of tears and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he had just found out from the school counselor that he would be staying here with his grandparents until he was 18. He literally got pulled from his 6th period class and the counselor tells him, "you're staying here until you're 18, oh there's the bell, go back to class now!" I really didn't have anything to say except that I was sorry to hear it and it really stinks that all of these things were happening and it was out of his control and if he wanted some time to sit outside and collect his thoughts before coming into class that was fine. He said he was fine with coming into class and getting to work right away and that he was just glad that someone had heard him. Wow... I didn't do much really, just listened to him the best I could while making sure the other 25 kids in the class were going to their seats and getting to work. Fortunately what little I could do was enough for him, and he was a great student the entire school year.

[@sandydog426]

I work closely with DHR. I had to learn to set kind but very clear boundaries regarding them making their paperwork MY problem. It is not mine or the kids' fault that you waited until less than a week before the court date to tell me you need something from me, and your timelines or lack of planning will not become my emergency.

[@ezraprice7066]

In my wife and I’s experience getting setup for foster we have been having these conversations even before our first placement. In Utah the concurrent plan of reunification or adoption are happening simultaneously so that if the both parents are not able to make the progress they need to the children’s right to permanency can come into place without a long delay. I’m sure this isn’t the standard in all states but they have asked us multiple times about this before we have even gotten our first placement and have made it really clear that any placement we get could turn into adoption. I can understand the worry about it being a conflict of interest with reunification as the ultimate goal but I do think it is the best idea. We have specifically been trained to not have these discussions with the children until the fruition of those plans becomes much more apparent. To me it just seems like the best plan to make sure that if the parents rights are terminated the children do not have to be in a state of flux or potentially moved to another home, they can be with the family who has been taking care of them. Here if you have no intention of adopting you can tell them that and they will make sure that the cases you are given are less likely to end in adoption.

[@courtneyharper]

Do you have any videos about what types of situations lead to the need for foster care in the first place, and more importantly... Reasons that TPR might eventually happen even when the parents are making efforts to stay connected? Would be so tough if something as simple as a series of failed drug tests or housing/transportation issues could revoke permanent access to their kids even when they're making efforts. Obviously the kids come first but it's just hard to wrap my head around - would love to know about some general types of circumstances, obviously nothing specific. Thank you - you're an amazing human 🥰

[@lexyruse603]

Staying in contact with the child isnt the same as doing what youre supposed to do. If a parent is failing drug test, isnt going to classes, is missing court dates, etc they can still have rights terminated. My cousin was taken away from their mom because their boyfriend was sexually abusing them. While she called my cousin a lot and kept in contact she refused to leave the guy and went on to marry him. While she did stay in contact and talk to my cousins foster parents she made the decision by staying with this man that he was more important than her kids.

[@courtneyharper]

@@lexyruse603 thank you, this is EXACTLY what I was looking for - examples of the other things that would be going on in order to get to that point. Makes total sense and I'm so glad your cousins were removed from that situation. I hope the foster family(ies?) your cousins ended up in was one where they were so safe & supported. I suppose it comes down to people either continuing to choose not to make safe choices (or being unable to do so, for whatever unfortunate reason that is clearly no fault of the child). Thanks again for taking the time to share 🙏🏼❤️

[@lisabrooks4688]

Although reunification is the ultimate goal some bio parents are struggling with addiction, non compliance of contact with their caseworker, or inability to make positive changes in their lives. Some bio parents make an honest effort to see their kids each week but aren’t doing what is asked of them by the courts and CPS in their reunification plan these can include stable housing, a job, drug rehabilitation, 24 hour UA, parenting classes, mental health support, etc. CPS does all it can to reunify families but when approaching a year they have to have a concurrent plan (plan B) if TPR happens so that the kids have permanency with a family. Most often if the kids are with kinship or relatives they are given the first option to adopt since the kids have bonded with the family and it’s less traumatic to disrupt them. If foster parents choose not to adopt the kiddos several adoptive families can make an inquiry then a select few are vetted and a final family is chosen.

[@courtneyharper]

@@lisabrooks4688 thank you for the information. I suppose the tragedy I'm struggling with are the standards for being a 'fit parent' and whether someone is truly a lost cause forever when they're going through a time of struggle and could use more support rather than more demands they don't feel capable of meeting. I fully understand the need to permanently remove kids from situations where they're being actively hurt and not protected... And the need to temporarily remove kids whose basic needs aren't being met. I suppose the hard part for me is the permanency of removal in the 'basic needs' type of situations. I hope parents who are making those efforts are being honored and supported, I suppose is the bottom line for me. And that the 'standards' aren't set to an unreasonable bar. I'm sure it's frustrating for cps to deal with non-compliance as well and I absolutely hear what you're saying - that there are many parents whose priorities are, sadly, simply off track 😕

[@biancarosato5904]

@@courtneyharperTPR is extremely rare. At least where I’m from. Even the tiniest effort on the patents part is considered a win. I was in and out of foster care my entire life due to my mom’s drug addiction. We were always reunified because she went to rehab, got housing, etc. They never terminated her rights because she “kept relapsing” or anything like that. Eventually when I was 11 we moved in with a family member permanently because she was going to jail for an extended time. And even then, her rights weren’t terminated. She could have gotten us back when she got out but she decided enough was enough and let us stay with the family member. CPS is pro-unification, even when it’s obviously not going to work. so when you’re dealing with a TPR case it’s almost always for a good reason.

[@Shay-cw5dr]

That's a really s#it+y question to ask b4 they know if reunification is not possible. I watch alot of court cases and they do that to use against the parents in court. Imagine the strain it puts on the relationship between bio and foster parents. Can't imagine what it does to the child. You know alot of foster parents aren't nearly as considerate as she is. I can see them asking the kid if they want them to adopt them.

[@akasha924]

Thank you for shedding light on the impacts of a legal arena that is so shielded from the public.

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

Not legal. It’s all done under corporate POLICY. Nothing they do is legal.

[@alexostapyk113]

I love watching your videos. My foster parents don’t even like me and want me out at 18 but are “too good to get rid of me before that” Edit: I just got a like on this and had forgotten about it. Those foster parents actually kicked me out lol

[@therealghostgirl]

If a SW asks this question in front of little ears please please please report them!

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

To who, and for what? For an internal investigation, 9.5/10 it’ll be unfounded, the foster parent and child will be retaliated against, and probably the bio parents too.

[@beckyklepper315]

I agree ...adoption is a bigger decision than marriage. Thank you for being an advocate for the children always! ❤️

[@lesliemccormick6527]

They want you to adopt because then the state is no longer financially responsible for their ongoing care.

[@9JJ871]

States get federal funds when kids are adopted out of foster care. It incentivizes the state to take children and adoot them out at 15 months. It's a racket.

[@Tyler_Mills26]

THEY ASK IN FRONT OF THE KIDS?!?! How is that right? xxx

[@samanthamcnamara7682]

As someone who was adopted out of foster care this is sick. Thank God there are people like you that recognize it. Far too many see us, human beings, as something to own. In an seriousness, if an agency doesn’t try to reunify in good faith, is that any different from human trafficking?

[@9JJ871]

Bingo. It's human trafficking. And in the case of American Indians, it's genocide. As soon as Indian schools closed, child welfare services swooped in to take its place.

[@oxymom2002]

My children were placed with us with the explicit intention that we would adopt them. The judge actually asked for a home that was already vetted for adoption.

[@tanyahorula1060]

This happened to us! 17 years later i got the two best kids in the world!❤

[@nikkihandley1349]

Just went through this! Definitely a decision that doesn’t happen overnight.

[@me4_prez]

This was how I was adopted. They asked my foster dad if he wanted to adopt me and my twin. He already had two other kids, my older brother and younger sister, and he still said "I would take a bullet for those kids. Signing a slip of paper for them to be able to call me dad is even easier." And he did that.

[@ChuckleHoneybear]

Lucky you 🎉

[@me4_prez]

@@ChuckleHoneybear Thank you

[@Noname24675]

Thankful you got the father you deserve!!

[@me4_prez]

@@Noname24675 thanks!

[@surrealheroine1846]

Many foster parents are willing to help kids who need temporary homes. If CPS puts pressure on fosters to adopt, it's going to prevent a lot of people from considering fostering. They won't want to foster if they think they're going to be pressured to adopt.

[@anunsashtray8244]

This comment section would go crazy if they could really hear social workers ‼️

[@corriew6849]

CPS doesn't seem to care so much about the kids. They don't take their feelings into consideration at all. My son's father had an open file with CPS before he passed away. After, I asked his worker about grief counseling for my son (he was just 5 at the time), they said that because I personally did not have an open file, they could not/would not help me to get him into grief counseling. Now my son is 8, he's been struggling so hard for the last 3 years with anger, and other things. If CPS cared at all, they should have helped me as his mother, after his father passed away. It's heartbreaking.

[@silverdoe9477]

That’s horrible! You NEVER involve children in situations, decisions or adult matters they have no control over! Is this a method they use to “get rid of” cases?

[@ashleydodd9145]

My sister-in-law was fostering to adopt because she couldn't have any more children and she never got to have a little girl. This story actually makes me incredibly angry. She somehow ended up with the custody of the beautiful sweet little girl. She immediately had her calling my sister in law Mommy. Calling me auntie Ashley and my husband Uncle Nick, her mom grandma grandpa. I was incredibly thrown off by this and a little upset because this little girl was like four years old. She made it clear that she was adopting this little girl that she was going to be part of our family etc. In 6 months she would be eligible for adoption. So I kind of let It go and she became part of our family. Over the next few months my sil was petitioning the court for restraining orders against the little girl's biological family because they wanted to see her. When I tell you she was going to court and fighting them and trying to keep them away. The grandparents, and the aunt, we're trying to fight for custody. Since they were the closest family members. My SIL was adamant that they were unfit, and the little girl belongs with her in her family. And to us that was her daughter now that was her child. So we understood why she was fighting for her. After a little over two years I was talking about the little girl with my mother in law, and found out my SIL gave her back. It wasn't formally through the foster care system, the little girls bio mom was like a friend of my SIL, that's how they met? I'm not 100% sure but as far as I knew it wasn't through like a traditional foster care. Which is why the family was fighting so hard because the little girl was not formally taken out of the mother's care. So she gave her back. She gave a little girl back. And let me explain what happened. My sister-in-law's son her biological son was getting jealous of the little girl and was acting out in school and needed more attention. Which is pretty typical of a little boy when you bring another child into the house even sometimes a year or two later when he feels like he's not getting as much attention. This is typical of siblings who have lived together their whole life. So my sister-in-law decided since her real, actual, son needed her more than this little girl who wasn't really hers she would just give the little girl bacl to the bio grandparents and let the grandparents take care of her. Because her real son needed her attention. And this little girl had a whole family that was ready and willing to take care of her and love her and give her attention, so win win. Yes, the same bio grandparents who she was taking restraining orders out on to keep them away as to not confuse her about who her new family was now. After confusing her and pulling her from the only family that this little girl knew and completely uprooting her entire life and making sure that the little girl understood that this was her new family now for over 2 yrs... Just gave her back, because at the end of the day person was more important than this girl who she just brought into her life because realistically, she only took this little girl because she wanted to be able to play dress-up with a little girl. And we knew the only reason why she got this little girl to begin with, was because she always wanted a little girl. Had it been a boy she would have never taken this child on. I think I also failed to mention that I think that the bio mother was struggling with addiction, certainly financial hardship. And of course I don't know the whole story about how or why this little girl ended up in her custody and why the bio mother was just willing to give her away like that. I don't know if initially was supposed to be temporary until she got her life together, idk. . What I do know is after all of this, and adults making such life-altering decisions for this poor little girl she has to be more confused than ever. Being separated from her mother who she knew her whole life, being told that she has a new mother, brother, dad etc and then totally and completely being alienated by that family and given back to her bio grandparents. And the last I heard my sister-in-law has not had any contact with her because she just doesn't want to make it hard... Or confuse her like she was so worried about before. Listen after we got the full story of everything that had happened, and played out over the last couple of years and I thought in the beginning like there's something very wrong here, and then after finding out that she gave her back we have completely cut them off. Of course my husband's mother is perfectly okay with this whole situation. And I guess the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree because she is a whole nother story. But this is the kind of trauma that grown adults are willing to put on small children for their own selfish desires wants and needs. If you are a foster parent who only became a foster parent with the intention of adopting you are not there for the child's best interest. You're not doing it for the children to have a safe place, you're doing it for your own selfish needs.

[@9JJ871]

She entered into foster parenting with the intent to take away someone else's child because she wanted to play dress up. That's so messed up and yet i hear stories like this all the time. People feel entitled to other people's children just because. Chuldren aren't objects they are people!

[@ashleydodd9145]

@@9JJ871 and you have to pray for some poor child to go through traumatic circumstances in order for you to get a kid. Sick.

[@thisbeem2714]

That is sickening.

[@agata2799]

Thank you for educating us, I'm learning so much about how it is to be a foster parent and how to treat children that have been through difficulties. As a psychology student and as a person in general i appreciate what you do a lot. Take care ❤

[@waffles3629]

Yeah, like if that's the route it's potentially heading it makes sense to ask if they're open to it, but don't assume that it will happen. And definitely never in front of the kids. After TPR it would depend on the case, but never before unless the kid brings it up.

[@kaitlinjohn3625]

"i need time to think about this" is an answer

[@rosaliac.386]

Omg, had no clue this was something to be on guard for. I get it from their perspective, cuz I imagine it can make things harder/take longer if they don't have things ready to go. But that should never come at the cost of the parents having the chance at reunification, that's not fair.

[@Stacy_SJA]

Can you do a video (or do you have one) about the different levels of care needed for some children… special needs?

[@stacythomas1587]

I can't get over how nonchalant the social worker sounds when asking you abt adoption.

[@AmericanAmy]

Because they usually don’t want to reunify them I don’t know what state you’re in, but in the state of Florida and many other states, CPS is horrific. I thank you for being the wonderful foster parent that you are.

[@noeliatejeda1702]

Then they use this answer against the parents in the courtroom

[@mmason9836]

Exactly. Termination should only happen when parents are unfit. So if you don't have adoptive parents the kid goes back regardless if they are fit or not or do they just remain in foster care? If they don't have adoptive parents why can't termination of rights happen and the kids stay in foster care until adoptive parents are found. This seems so shady to me.

[@TheNinnyfee]

It's really great that you address this so that foster parents can plan for answers if they are asked.

[@GodsavetheUSA]

This is the truth!! Anytime a child is placed with you, you may be asked this question early on..

[@nutmeggs]

I have to say, I LOVE these videos you make. I don't and won't have children in my life (my choice peeps just leave it be!), but the things you bring up in these videos are SUPER informative. There are things I would NEVER have thought about before and it shows just how much is involved in being a GOOD foster parent and also what a caring and compassionate person you are. ❤

[@brianna9687]

As a future foster mom I am willing to adopt but ONLY after ALL OTHER OPTIONS have been exhausted!!! Only if there’s no other option or place for the child then I will adopt them OR the child explicitly expresses their desire to be adopted by me and my spouse!!!!

[@anna-marie-]

family preservation >>>>>>>>>> adoption. non-familial adoption should ONLY be the last resort. but of course that doesn't benefit the adoption industry. my mom was still in foster care (and would be for another 2.5 years) when her biological grandma found out about her and tried to get custody. But the agency lied and said she had already been adopted. Thankfully she reunited with her bio family and I grew up knowing that same great-grandma who passed at 96 years old when I was 17. Thank you for making these videos, advocating for the human rights of those in foster care.

[@TheCoolCookieKitchen]

There’s so many good people who are getting serious pressure to make serious decisions like that. I understand the system wants them out of the system…. But it also pushes the good people away who are willing to help because they don’t want that extra pressure.

[@catholiclife9304]

I'm so grateful for you. And I believe if more people would be honest and think it out the outcome would be better..I pray for every Child to have a mother and father. Lord please help these good people to continue helping these children. 🙏

[@Skelepony]

That is terrible asking those kinds of questions right in front of the kids! They should not have to hear those conversations because it causes so much confusion, distress, and sometimes anger and resentment. What kid wants to hear that their parent didn't or couldn't complete the necessary steps to get them back, or that the foster family that they're living with might not want to adopt them!? It makes them feel unloved and unwanted. It makes them question if something is wrong with them. It breaks their heart. The kids are going through enough stress and trauma they don't need to be thinking about whether the rug will be pulled out from underneath them again turning their already stressful situation even more chaotic.

[@Mrs.Rachel.C_5th_grade]

As a foster parent, I can tell you that tpr is rarely a surprise like this and you have talked about it.

[@anna-katehowell9852]

Will you do one about how to respond when people say/ask common inappropriate things in front of your foster child?

[@nobodys_hear]

Adoption of kids is wild to me, someone else made a TikTok skit about it but like, how do you determine a price like how do you tell a kid “yeah your about $10,000 the same as that car out the window” LIKE HOW???

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

It’s more than $10,000. My state it’s closer to $45,000. That was 5 years ago.

[@samssams666]

another concern would be if the parent or one of the parents, or both of them feel like the system is screwing them over, because they could be doing everything right, and maybe they aren’t, but that anger is going to be directed at whoever adopts their children, in some cases, it’s already direct at the foster parents, but there’s other cases I’ve heard of where it’s solely directed at the adopted parents more than the foster parents so if the foster parents became the adoptive parents, it would be worse

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

Depends on the situation. Most of the time the case worker is gaslighting and manipulating bio parents, so that’s where the anger is directed. Sometimes they’re doing the same to both bio and foster parents. Sometimes social workers triangulate. And sometimes the fosters are just as bad as the SW. So it really does depend.

[@catie5939]

I love this. It's so much more complicated than most people realize. Of course i want kids in a loving home, with people who will look out for them, but when you listen to adults who were adopted, the pain of being taken runs so deep. It's just so much more complicated than we make it out to be as a society. Adoption is trauma, no matter how we couch it, and it's not that that means we should never do it, but it means we should be a whole hell of a lot more careful. Acknowledging that is so important. 💜

[@kellsbellls]

It amazes me how inconsiderate case workers can be in front of the kids.

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

Because they don’t care about the kids. It’s pretty simple.

[@kellsbellls]

@@CarpeDiezNutz It’s not like they make a bunch of money. If you don’t like or care about kids why tf did you choose that job? It doesn’t make sense

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

Are you basing your opinions from your own personal healthy perspective? Does not mean that they are. If you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, then kutos to you, you don’t know. No healthy person in their right mind would behave the way they do, let alone conduct business based on “helping” our most vulnerable community. Tell me,who exactly do predators go after? You do know, it’s right in front of your eyes. It’s called cognitive dissonance. One of the top grossing revenues for our government is the kidnapping, trafficking, and selling of children. They make about $50,000 per adoption. I don’t know what they get per kid a year for 1 kid in foster, but it adds up. Especially when the kids are traumatized (which they all are simply by being yanked from their families and thrown into the system) which they get more funding for counseling and medicating, services. Disabilities, check. Mental health issues, check. Indigenous, check. Low income family, check. Any service that they, or any socialistic; 3rd party; non-profit (private investors) affiliated programs they offer, all generate revenue. Not for the social workers. They’re just pawns. Most go in with good intentions. Others, well, they get a taste of that power and control, and.... Once you’re in the system, and your traumatizes enough, well they’ve just secured a generational product that will multiply and create more revenue. It’s a SYSTEM. It’s not broken. It was designed for this.

[@CarpeDiezNutz]

@@kellsbellls I forgot to add that they have a budget to uphold, that OUR TAXES PAY FOR. If they don’t meet the budget, then they get less money. So they literally have incentives to get more kids into the system. The longer they’re in the system, the more money they make. The more *services* they provide/require, the more money they make. Look up Clinton’s ‘Adoption and Safe Families Act’. Clinton was the catalyst to what we see now, but it goes farther back. Gotta take the rose tinted glasses off, and look at it from a more insidious point of view. Look at it as if you were the dark triad of psychopathy, and you’re reading a manuscript. Look at the BIG picture. Then go get some therapy, because you’re world will be turned upside down. This type of realty check is not for the feeble hearted.

[@beckiferrucci4097]

My family adopted 4 kids, and it was the BEST decision we made! Sorry, 4 foster kids!

[@DVNGhostNBUNNy]

Are the parents always allowed to talk to the parents of the child? There a situation I know that this is something the parent would love to have to communicate with the people who have their child that they are actively trying so hard to get back and they have been really crappy at cps on getting things like that in place and hasn't even let them know if it's possible. The CPS here won't answer hardly any questions and sometimes won't communicate with everyone involved and this child in protective services is not at best interest for the child and honestly the child shouldn't have ever been taken it's so hard I wonder if you see that alot that you become aware that the home they were taken from was actually a good home? I've seen it too many times but sometimes yes it is appropriate but it's a really hard broken system so I'm glad there's people like you out there for some of these kids wether they should have been taken or not. Sometimes they end up in a worse situation than they were taken from but you are amazing. God bless you 😇👻🙏🏻💙

[@redlady222]

‘I’m sorry. In my home, we don’t discuss adult topics in front of the kids.’

[@katek3887]

I'm only starting to look into fostering. I'm so grateful for your wonderful education. It's been so helpful when discussing with my partner and managing expectations of what it is to be a foster parent.

[@rayannaandrade6337]

My grandmother was a foster parent and as an elementary school teacher in a good marriage, it’s still can be really challenging One girl was just so emotionally damaged always having raging tantrums was always causing conflict with other kids inappropriate around men, made my grandpa super creeped out and uncomfortable. Then she got two little boys that were just so adorable and well behaved she fell in love with them wanted to adopt them and was absolutely crushed when they got sent back home. It was so upsetting that she didn’t want to do it anymore. So you definitely have to go and do it mentally prepared for disappointments or surprises you weren’t prepared for

[@yippee8570]

You know what would be great is if social workers could actually show some empathy

[@LMAS3]

In our county, foster parents are asked whether they would be willing to adopt a placement during certification -- parents are mostly classified as foster-to-adopt... There are very few foster only placements. The whole idea being that in the event of TPR (of course, reunification is always the primary goal) the family that the child has been with will remain the family that they are part of rather than having to move to a new home. I can't imagine being asked if I'm willing to adopt in the middle of a placement. Foster parents this county typically close their license and their family is no longer willing to adopt. It seems like a less common system, but we've really appreciated the transparency from the start.

[@9JJ871]

If you're fostering with the intent of adopting, how is that making family reunification the goal? Those are opposites.

[@LMAS3]

@@9JJ871 good question! You're not fostering with the intent to adopt. You're fostering with the potential capacity to adopt if it were ever to come to that. We've had many placements and never adopted and would be perfectly happy if that never happened, but also open to it if it did under the right circumstances 😊

[@9JJ871]

@@LMAS3 In the US it's common for people to only get into fostering with the intent of adopting, and they fight the child's parents and extended family for custody. Their goal is to obstruct reunification. But even the gentler foster parents who are also hopeful adoptive parents that wouldn't actively obstruct reunification, I worry that they still subconsciously undermine the goal of putting families back together. The racial discrepancies of which families CPS polices are pronounced over here. A lot of white people feel entitled to own Black, brown, and Native children, even if they don't consciously think that, and I don't trust them to act fairly. I definitely don't trust CPS to act fairly because the states get federal money for TPRs and adoptions, not for preserving families. Breaking up families, who are disproportionately Black, is incentivized throughout the process. From what I see here, hopeful adoptive parents will do anything to take another person's child as their own. I hope it's different in other countries, because here it's f*****.

[@LMAS3]

@@9JJ871 I 100% agree with everything you said -- systemic racism (and classism) are rampant in the foster system (and everywhere else for that matter). My partner and I talk a lot about this, and are doing our best to support/promote anti-racist policy while also examining our role in the system (including how we might unintentionally be contributing to perpetuating a disgusting and unjust history in this country for BIPOC individuals). And also at the same time feeling like we can help children AND their parents break cycles so they can stay together. As we describe it to our biological children, "many ppl do not have the privileges we do, and we want to do what we can to help parents who are having a hard time and need some help caring for their kids so they have some time and space to get support so they can take great care of their kids soon." It's not a perfect description and FAR from a perfect system, but kids are coming into care who need a safe place to be. (All that said, we're not currently taking placements nor do we have any foster kids in our care)

[@grandlaphi]

So much respect for you!!!

[@SA-Bean-Bean]

Well this makes 100% sense for the comment i left about my personal situation on the other side of that situation...I had no idea this went on like this behind the scenes even during reunification. THIS is why NOBODY trusts dcs and their system. If they can't even give the family a real chance or real support, of course they wont try as much as they would if they knew the system was fair!

[@HillbillyYEEHAA]

Well,if they've been there a while, they might all ask. Imagine getting used to a family you've lived with for 2 or 3 years but being moved on when they might have possibly wanted you.

[@karliebradham5158]

In my case though the foster family was really pushing for a concurrent plan n really wanted to adopt her. She's an amazing kiddo it'd be hard to not get attached

[@Genevie_G30]

Nothing should be asked within earshot of children, my first thought was yes, adopt them and then you can bring them to see their parents, then I was like that’s a lot of responsibility that you didn’t plan on for the rest of your life

[@noahgracealexander]

I love your videos. As a former foster-adopted kid, I find them almost…maybe validating, in a way? Idk if that made sense, it was the only word I could think of to explain lol