Frustrated

[@zosorobo]

I liked Mandy's words in "Under our skin", "I know what my bad days are like, and I do my best to avoid them" Being "ON" is absolutely exhausting to me. I used to be a total extrovert, and feel energized by social interactions with others, but now, even hanging out with friends is beyond my safety level. Dinner and the symphony is beyond me, too. I LOVE dinner and the symphony! But it would hurt me at this time. I'm choosing to put my energy into getting well, before I try to have a social life.

[@SheWhoFeels]

Thinking of you lots today & sending love! Hang in there sweetie. *gentle hugs* Xoxox

[@penguini1982]

@zosorobo I think part of the problem may be that he doesn't think of me as being sick most of the time. But on the flip side, he DOES see that I'm sick and accepts it so it makes it harder for me to know how to approach this. He says that it's all about my choices and sometimes seems to blame my choices for why I'm not better - like that I drink coffee and soda, I don't exercise (at least as much as I should), etc. I put so much energy in to so many aspects of getting better, there is a limit.

[@SheWhoFeels]

It's processing now love! *hugs*

[@penguini1982]

@SellyNue And I think right now because I'm somewhat functional, it's harder for him to understand that things still affect me so much or that I'm still dealing with a lot or even that I've been through so many terrible things. Thanks so much for the support. I hope you're doing okay! I'm thinking of you!

[@SheWhoFeels]

Making a video in response rooight now! *tons of gentle hugs* You are not alone sweetheart! Xoxox

[@penguini1982]

@McPeeperSpy We have talked more about it (Eric and I) and we're getting somewhere but he says it will take him a while, possibly years, to get to a point of understanding it the way I want him to. I got a little sad at that thought but he reminded me that I've had 14+ years to get used to this and understand it so I guess I can't expect him to understand it overnight (or in 2 years), especially when I don't share everything with him. It's hard but we'll keep working on it!

[@SellyNue]

@penguini1982 Yup. I think you're right. He sees that you are functioning, but has no idea how much energy goes into what little you can do. Its kind of like when a friend asked me, "So, you can be ok for a little while or a day?" ....ummmm, no. I'm not ok. I just fake it. Push it aside as best I can. For a mere 60 minutes maybe. And then I go to bed, and completely crash. Eric needs to see that resting IS part of your healing plan. Its the only way you'll you continue to be able to function!!

[@penguini1982]

@SellyNue I think, honestly, that I hide too much of how I'm really feeling from him and push too hard to do too many things so he doesn't really see what's going on. I wonder how he would react if I did my best to honestly and accurately tell him how I was feeling all the time. I don't even think I would know how to do that because so much of what I deal with has just become "normal", but I wonder what it would be like to try.

[@heiwalove]

he is not hearing you. he is not seeing you. he is dissecting your experience and dispensing criticism/advice when he needs to be quiet, open his ears and heart, and see all of you. illness and all. i'm sorry, love.

[@penguini1982]

@SheWhoFeels Thank you!

[@SellyNue]

....and just honestly, completely physically unable to do those things. I don't know. I'm by no means an expert on this stuff, I have a super hard time explaining it to people too. Maybe it will take you just sitting down and saying exactly what all you have faced and endured and how it has effected you and continues to effect you daily. I don't know if this makes sense, I'm a bit medicated at the moment. ;) I hope you can figure something out and get to a better place of understanding!!

[@SellyNue]

I'm sorry, I haven't been able to watch all your videos. But as far as Eric not getting it all and being a "black and white" type, I have a brother that's exactly the same! I really understand what you are saying. My brother didn't get it, and got very frustrated with me and my sister a lot. But once he saw me really sick. Once he actually visited, and saw how limited I was, he was much more compassionate. I hate to say it but maybe Eric won't really get it until he sees you super sick....

[@SheWhoFeels]

Okay I just read what you wrote to zosorobo & I just have to say I think it's b.s. if he is judging you for drinking soda / not exercising / otherwise insinuating that you "aren't fighting hard enough" to be healthy. I'm sorry but fk that. Not cool. :( Much love sweetie!