Games Avoidants Play When They're In Love With You

[@saras.2173]

Avoidant’s are so focused on testing their love interest to make sure he/she will be a good partner that they don’t even notice that in the process, THEY have become a terrible partner!

[@samscarletta7433]

Profound Truth right here!!! 💥

[@sheriwl]

Lol 💯

[@numinousluminary41]

Living this truth 😢

[@a.b.2850]

It’s all about “ME”, what others do around me and for me. They stop breathing if they have to consider others’ perspectives.

[@sierraG333]

In the process they cause a lot of damage and pain and then there's no point testing us, because it's not like they're ever gonna contact us and pursue us like a normal healthy guy would.

[@Sweet_Cherry_Star]

Avoidant here, we crave emotional intimacy so much, just like any other person but the issue is we are scared of what we desire. We have this huge fear of loving and attaching to someone and them abandoning us, we know we have the fear and sometimes we ignore our fears ( not working on ourselves) and get into a relationship and eventually the ugly head of our insecurity comes up. There's a constant mind battle going on like "Should I stay? I am starting to like this person..what if he/she ditches me when they find someone who's better than me...oh I know what to do! Gotta ignore and detached to protect myself and also keep myself busy with a lot of friends" And then eventually what we fear happens cause of our actions of intentionally ignoring our person. And then we also have the habit of getting in a situationship with fellow avoidants cause that makes us stay in our comfort zone (No fear). Eventually that also ends cause no emotional connection. Then we think of the one we left and miss them and try to go back to them but it's already too late or they move away. Avoidants either live in past or future, it's something like when we are in a relationship with a fellow avoidant we live in the past. Meanwhile when we are in a relationship with a secure/insecure attatched person we live in the future, always running and self-sabotaging the present and then blaming the people for our actions. We are cursed and people who choose to love us suffer due to our actions. The self-respecting ones leave us and never talk to us again and God forbid if someone shows us our faults...we shut down and just pretend we didn't hear them...listening to our faults and bad patterns makes us anxious and then we run away to help our mind feel more stable.

[@TheLilli22]

wow...what a statement! Thank you very much! I bet this describes exactly what is going on with my Ex...but I'm pretty sure he has no clue.

[@IntellectualCandy-jd1dw]

Very insightful. Th.

[@JessieTheGinger]

Thank you so much for giving us a look inside your head and heart. I know people tend to shit on avoidents but they're not the only ones with deep issues and it pisses me off that all the other ones get coddled. I am anxious working towards being secure. I know what it's like to hurt, to want, to need but not ask for what you need because you know you can't count on others to fill your needs. I understand that everyone has pains in their hearts, and I want to understand their pain and why they do the things they do. I am a caring and curious individual. I seek to understand so that everyone can find peace, love and happiness in whatever form is best for them. Thank you again for being vulnerable with us.

[@terence.j]

Very well said

[@Jdabomb93]

😐🔫

[@nano7586]

In summary: they treat you like shit. Good night.

[@hollysoneye8229]

😂😂

[@jenny01317]

I like pie

[@FreshStart2024-qg8zm]

welcome to my world of 5 years

[@Jdabomb93]

@@jenny01317 I like ceeeereal. 🥣

[@ugnulanila]

God bless you for making it real& short! Saved us time!

[@melaniep6543]

I dated an avoidant and it was a very confusing, hurtful time. His words never matched his actions, rarely initiated plans, gaslighted, and lied. All these things happened so craftily I didn’t see what was really happening until I was out of it. Except my nervous system was screaming at me. They give you just enough to keep you in the string. The list goes on. In the end, I got ghosted after I suggested the breakup. Believe people when they show you who they are! And never date someone’s potential. Take care of yourself ❤

[@HowardDee]

he might have been a narc. very similar skillset!

[@melaniep6543]

@@HowardDee I agree, I think he was!

[@iuliac3087]

Same thing happened to me 1-2 years ago. I was literally having stomach pain from the anxiety. Leaving him behind was the best decision.

[@junebutterfly6774]

That is a classic pathological narcissist. Very dangerous.

[@melaniep6543]

@@iuliac3087 I’m sorry that happened to you. Did it take you a long time to get over the relationship?

[@sharonb519]

Pulling away when things are going well. Every. Single. Damn. Time. 🤬

[@mgn1621]

And the nit picking to push you away !

[@sharonb519]

@@mgn1621 Yes! Absolutely! 💯

[@cobaltbovine]

Yep...

[@philipramsden4975]

This just happened to me a couple days ago. Was having a great conversation and she just dipped. Didn't hear from her again until today. Luckily because I know her and I've seen so many of these videos, I knew to leave her alone and that she'll be back.

[@sharonb519]

@@philipramsden4975 A couple of days? Ohhhhh boy, you just wait until next time it’s WEEKS and then a couple of MONTHS. 🤯 Get out now while you still can. 💯

[@ABRASILERA17]

It's heartbreaking when you know they're self destructing and self sabotaging the very love they're acting and believing they're entitled to

[@JohnyJohnatanJohnson]

I'm an avoidant and I can't speak for others but I can speak for myself. I don't believe I'm entitled to love. I believe I don't deserve it deep down which is something i came to realize as I'm trying to better myself. Self destructive behavior comes from that belief. I've never been in a relationship and I'm deathly afraid to enter one. Not only cause of my avoidant tendencies, but because avoidants are painted as a nightmare for anyone who's had the misfortune of coming across them

[@p.s.6674]

Feels like you're on a merry-go-round until you get kicked off and then have to wait for an invitation to get back on until you get kicked off again and the cycle continues.

[@hotpink3459]

Exactly

[@alexandercoll4863]

Yup!! Accurate

[@jenniferkrause8085]

Omg yessss

[@erikagaus4046]

Omg yeah 😩

[@TheEpicnessofJamesD]

You guys are getting invited back on?

[@Nadeine]

The games they play: #1 - They make time for you despite keeping you at a distance, #2 - Rarely initiating contact, #3 - They try to keep their cool even though they're terrified of rejection, #4 - They will hold back "I Love you's" until they are sure it will be reciprocated, #5 - They'll purposefully put you in a harsh environment to see if you'll come out the other side still committed.

[@NotMyShow720]

Oh wow. I dated that person, fell in love and got hurt. It felt like so was a yo-yo on a string in a a seemingly sincere yet not-relationship. 😢

[@crimson_phoenix9629]

And what should we do to keep this relationship? My gf have all of the things you mentioned above

[@kylel4971]

​@@crimson_phoenix9629 Just be cool about it. Be busy doing your stuff and don't pay attention to any of it. Occasionally initate a conversation even if it's a short one, just to make them realize you're still there and to not make them afraid to approach you. But don't open too long of a conversation, focus on you and they'll always come back

[@Lexi_Con]

My advice is to communicate openly and honestly. If you see the signs, if your partner can't ever be vulnerable with you, communicate on more than surface level topics, or show true emotions, then how are you going to develop a connection? No matter how much you like sex, if it seems more mechanical than emotionally intimate, then you're not really that close (& potentially being used). If you feel excluded, neglected, or like an afterthought, you are likely with an avoidant or a narcissist. The traits often overlap bc DA's value themselves & their own sense of "safety" & independence over the relationship, and ultimately you. Trust your instincts & remember you deserve a healthy relationship, which is more than breadcrumbs.

[@seanfrance3182]

#5.. they test love but don’t strengthen it

[@cnote3580]

The DA simply needs to heal from their childhood wounds. As an adult no healthy person is going to play these unhealthy games with them

[@sierraG333]

Right? It was some of the most immature shit I've ever been put through.

[@cnote3580]

@sarahd3515 hurt people...hurt people statement is a true one

[@msarilyn7677]

However a Player sure would play these games with them!

[@Portia620]

Truths as it’s sad. Growing older is sometimes a wake up call but not always

[@Portia620]

@@sierraG333yes and if I can go through that, then I can have an amazing marriage with somebody or a relationship one day!! I did it from 30 years!! it hit me the other day it’s that game with the flower, he loves me. He loves me not he loves me. He loves me not oh my God just throw the flower out.😂😂

[@jennacallahan1]

I was married to an avoidant, and a year after we were married I noticed he was looking at me in an admiring way, and as soon as I turned my head he quickly looked away. That really stuck with me. We were MARRIED, and he couldn’t let me know he was looking at me like that? There’s a giant list of what went wrong but some small things will always stick with me.

[@ashleykathryn9038]

Isn't that odd!! This is my first boyfriend that doesn't want me to see the admiration or validation. It makes me feel worthless, I don't get it.

[@jennacallahan1]

@@ashleykathryn9038 please don’t waste years of your life if he isn’t willing to change. I wish I could’ve gone back and made different choices. Ultimately, I chose me. And I am thankful I got out. But those years of pain have stuck with me and I’m afraid of ever having another relationship

[@jij4313]

But why did he marry you if he is avoidan ?

[@jennacallahan1]

@@jij4313 avoidants do get married sometimes.

[@jennacallahan1]

@@ashleykathryn9038 I hope you realize you don’t need someone who does that to you. I stayed with him wayyyyy too long and it really messed me up in so many ways. Please prioritize yourself and your own mental health and happiness.

[@djmikey97]

If you want a weekend lover with no commitment, date an avoidant with no expectations of it going any further than surface feelings at best. This will work depending on your lifestyle and attachment style. However, if you’re looking for something deeper and someone who will understand you, avoid the avoidant. There are not bad people at all, they can’t handle anything past the point of simple dating strategies and basic needs. They tend to only focus on possessions and what they want instead of what they can give you. I put it simply like playing with a toy, when they want you, they will be 100% at that moment until they are done with you. Then, they will put you away and carry on with their life until they want to play with you again. Nothing in between play times at best. I have been with an avoidant for over 1.5 years and Its been a learning experience. This has been my experience with an avoidant so please don’t take this for every situation. Just an example.

[@numinousluminary41]

I've been with an avoidant for 15 years and let me tell you, it doesn't get better unless they're willing to dig deep and understand the truth of what they are, but that truth is a very painful one and most people will run from it screaming 😞

[@marinajones2309]

Being with a DA is a painful experience. Avoid it if you can. Save yourself heartache.💔💔

[@instagamrr]

Sounds just like a narcissist when described that way. They put you on a shelf and forget about you until they finally remember you again and decide they want to play

[@dg5175]

Why are you still with this person. Sounds like they're just using you.

[@dg5175]

​@instagamrr Yeah, so many people confusing avoidants with narcissists and abusers.

[@unexpected8166]

I'm an avoidant but I love myself so much that I am in the process of getting rid of the bad habits even If I get hurt because living forever in fear of getting hurt and not giving what you actually can give and want to give is MUCH worse than getting hurt. In the end I am way more afraid that I might hurt a good person (maybe even a truly good person) just because I didn't have the courage to believe in the potential. I am also much happier and lighter with this decision, so thanks for calling me out in this video haha!

[@mn0g0nm]

will wonders never cease? oh my heart, there is hope for some of you yet listen, I don't respect ppl who let their fears run their life bc it doesn't make sense-you can't avoid all risk or pain, and trying is not only unnecessary bc we are built to survive our feelings, but avoidance is counterproductive to a full life. you figured all that out, i'm truly so fkkn happy for you (oh, and super happy for your ppl, this is good news for everyone) avoidance can rule & constrict your life, glad you found tools to work with it, this is showing serious strength thank you for sharing

[@unexpected8166]

​@@mn0g0nm One can tell a lot about a person from how they write a message. The way you chose to express your thoughts and emotions makes me believe you're a phenomenal person with the right compass in your heart. We might (and may, because we are humans) make mistakes along the way but the single most important thing is the direction our compass of our heart is headed to. I can't look into your head and you can't look into mine but I still believe yours and mines compass points in the same direction, which makes me joyful to hear. Thank YOU for sharing!

[@mn0g0nm]

@@unexpected8166 oh lord, this is how you guys take me down in the first place, look at all that thoughtfulness & sincerity &c plus the personal growth, it does me a swoon. forreal, i'd be in trouble with you irl-your vibe is good, plus you sound pretty smart. thank god & Gore for the almighty internets, nice to make your acquaintance, and I hope you get the wide open heart you're working towards

[@jordans03]

Congratulations for doing what majority of society refuses to do, take accountability and put a plan in place for progress.

[@bezza2005]

Amazing go you!!!😊 My marriage if 23 years has ended during therapy. He blindsided me and asked for a divorce and then started a smear company against me gaslight me blame shifted stone walled and other awful stuff to me. Cannot believe I don't recognise this person. He has burnt out marriage down to the ground and hurt everyone in our family. Just aweful. He also has aspers.

[@meagandekkar6377]

I’m so sick of folks blaming shitty behavior on his or her childhood. I had two of the worst parents that walked the face of the Earth and I became a nurturing nurse. Apply the Golden Rule: love others as you love yourself! Stop hurting others, Avoidants!!

[@maxsheerin8219]

YOU were lucky. It isnt like that for everyone and who decides you had it worse? You? A real narcissistic comment here. Ptsd/cptsd and other disabilities prevents A LOT of things to ruin smoothly in ones life. Avoidants cant hurt a healthy person because a healthy person LEAVES.

[@sunshinehope9825]

​@@maxsheerin8219 leaving doesn't mean you're not hurt too lol

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

Is pointing the finger and comparison how you love yourself and others? It's great that you became a nurturing nurse... Maybe you could nurture people who are struggling to heal negative patterns... Maybe you could explain how you healed and overcame being raised by two of the worst parents that walked the face of the earth. Maybe your testimony would help someone find their path. I doubt the comment above will.

[@galexcia]

Well I think you should look more closely at yourself. You're statement alone lacks empathy.

[@maxsheerin8219]

@@sunshinehope9825 I didn't say that. They simply dont stick around making pathetic excuses and call themselves empaths instead of clear stupidity and codependancy. 🙄 they don't try change the narc and at the same time declare their love for the narc. Theu simply say "I love you but Im out of here. 👋 both people are sick if they stay together.. 🙈😱 we a f adults now. We can walk and heal.

[@wendydaniel1110]

Being involved with an Avoidant is like walking a tightrope between two skyscrapets...One tiny "mistake" ( according to the avoidant) and down you go . Who needs that? Life is way too short for tightropes.❤ ..

[@YassineKAK]

You unfortunately won't realise you're dealing with an avoidant until you're in the middle of that rope, you can neither go back nor go forward, you're just stuck

[@mn0g0nm]

don't forget about the times they push you off the tightrope

[@chasitylynn8183]

It’s not that bad.

[@sierraG333]

I learnt that there was no room for error and they definitely poked at my own anxieties instead of putting me at ease. I felt like I was apologising all the time and he hurt me so much with all his immature games but never apologised, just moved onto someone else within weeks but kept stringing me along. Who does that?!

[@sheliasmith2884]

@sarahd3515 hey what does the Bible say a double minded man is unstable in all his ways. That's what they are double minded.

[@Moonchildstargazer]

With all their preoccupation with themselves and their own well being, I honestly dont think they are capable of actually loving anyone. They love selfishly, and their partners love unconditionally. Its a shame they push away someone like that, as unconditional love is usually a gift from spirit and if you reject the gift, and choose not to heal through it, you will face some harsh and hurtful karma.

[@KB-ih5gf]

…I think there’s a very thin line between avoidants and narcissists.

[@Avoidantcoper]

@@KB-ih5gf The 'intent' aside their behaviour is very similar. The damage they do to their partners don't differ. The thing is this, if i had a chance to save an avoidant's life i will do it, but not for a narcissist. other than that there's just no excuse for their behaviour man

[@luciadozier1267]

THIS!!!!!!

[@ABRASILERA17]

Literally manifesting disaster and creating disaster to feel in control of it, they're constantly manipulating their own emotions while blaming people for assuming they're doing the same

[@ladle24]

This. And then claiming the disaster wouldn't be an issue if you didn't make it one

[@emmarae4322]

Good description.

[@E4439Qv5]

Anxious Avoidant claimed an Ethical Avoidant. ...we suffer together.

[@CatalinaFOIA]

My 1st true love is an avoidant. He always carried some of the characteristics: mystery/hard to know, disappears, minimal expression of love/care/understanding. He has only gotten worse. He's 46 now. I'm the one that got away- it's been 27 yrs. He has told me numerous times. "I keep looking for you in other women and I can't find another you" 😢💔 He is his own undoing 😢

[@crimson_phoenix9629]

Self-sabotaging

[@annewellmann8867]

He is looking for an idealized you.

[@gayleneflower398]

Sick people they need to get therapy so they don’t hurt others. I have no sympathy.

[@petitcoeur-q6r]

Glad you didn’t take them back. Similar situation to you but I took them back after 20 years ans they didn’t change just worse. They discarded me with no explanation and ghosted. He’s worse in his avoidant tendencies and is 48. He lost all this weight just before discarding memso i guess he was ready to bounce back to the dating market. I assume he monkey branched as he did like the first time all those years ago. Now he has the gall to crumb me. I’m so angry at myself for taking him back and angry at him for crumbing me and taking advantage.

[@jordans03]

He may find other packaging he likes, but the substance behind the packaging will never amount to what he had in you. And I'm just a stranger on the internet saying this smh

[@tjongejongeman8153]

So just avoid an avoidant, saves you a lot of time, prevents heartache etc. Find someone who is based.

[@Ida-Adriana]

Based comment 👹

[@gayleneflower398]

Agree. Once his plan he never again.! Run people!!

[@muffemod]

Avoidants really need to remove themselves from the dating pool until they are fixed.

[@andymorin9163]

tybg

[@jordans03]

The problem is avoidants masks themselves rather well, instead of being real and laying all their cards on the table so people can voluntarily choose to be involved if they wish to do so..... And usually by the time you realize that they are an avoidance, it's too late (meaning you're emotionally invested in them and will endure a lot of pain and suffrage leaving them.)

[@Canaday291]

Such a mind f dating one. Tells me he likes me a lot and wants a relationship, then does everything he can to sabotage it. Waiting days, weeks, months to reach back out after an amazing time together, claiming he’s been so busy with work or constantly using the sick card. A 180 of Changing his moods to acting annoyed and intolerant of my presence suddenly in middle of hanging out as if my time is up and I am required to leave. Always felt in limbo, anxious , fear of rejection where I stood as he would always leave future plans vague or non existent.

[@karenragland8378]

I echo the exact same thing. A complete control freak. He wanted me to spend time with him, but then flip like a dual personality. Then when go silent, he'd accuse me of "entertaining another man! It's too stressful and wears out your mental and physical health!

[@sierraG333]

Did we date the same guy? I literally let him go and deleted his number 2 months ago. But I had the same treatment. The wanting you and then not moving it forward when I'm used to guys communicating and planning dates...it was infuriating as it made me step up and have to plan everything. Mine asked me if I wanted a relationship back in January but by March he was excited to go to coffee with me and tell me a few hours in that he's seeing someone. Then maybe tell me back in Jan and don't waste my time.

[@sierraG333]

The vague or non existent plans has got to be deliberate. But I wish I knew what I was dealing with earlier and I wouldn't have gotten involved :(

[@indyd9322]

@@sierraG333 Exactly! If you don't know what you're dealing with, it can be super confusing.

[@SerenEnfys]

Oh gosh 😩 this rang too familiar and feels like such a confirmation 😩 Ohhh my silly little love 😔 I wish I could heal her but it’s impossible. For her and me, I’m so angry at our parents for the love, support and care we needed in childhood but our parents couldn’t and didn’t give us 😣 I just wish she had the freedom from fear to communicate. So much for me to address in therapy, man. Why do I tolerate and accept this behaviour and why it makes me stay and want more 🫠 just trying to prove myself for no good reason and to stay in the safe fantasy land myself 💔 I hate this

[@MakedaMix]

In the world today, it seems lack of authenticity is the issue.... no matter what the "disorder" is. So if its not narcissism, its avoidant, or its codependent.....maybe the labels now are inauthentic. The goal appears to be authenticity at all costs.

[@Apocalyptiseptical]

Exactly 👏

[@sarahsmile2883]

Spot on mate

[@sinking1902]

It doesn’t matter what the tag is…It’s all just bullshit. Just walk away as soon as it becomes clear there’s nothing healthy about it.

[@Ericatrue1974]

One step at a time. We have to see our disorders before we can fix them. At least we are looking now instead of blundering through like a hot mess

[@jason8708]

In laymen's terms they're their own worse enemy in having what their heart truly desire.

[@JM_IAM]

Even listening to this I am exhausted half way through. After having spent a decade bashing my head against a wall dealing with a fearful and dismissive avoidant I am constantly on the lookout for them. They display any of these behaviors and I’m quick to cut my losses. This is so tedious when you’re a person doing the work to overcome your own struggles and are willing to be open. The way dating trends are going this type of personality is way more prevalent thus making the whole situation untenable for the rest of us.

[@TinfoilHatGirl]

This. I am just disconnecting from a DA in the early dating stages and watching these videos and reading people's comments to cope and for mental support because it's so frustrating to see the glimpses of who they could be but having to disconnect to save yourself from emotional damage esp if you are trying your best to learn and overcome your own issues. Being thrown back on progress can happen so quickly.

[@Avoidantcoper]

@@TinfoilHatGirl You just described how i will behave when i detect an avoidant the next person i date. One experience was painful enough for me to become a PHD in avoidants overnight. Never again.

[@stuart4rd700]

Only fight for someone who is willing and showing change. If not, leave them. It is good for them. Life will continue to repeat life lessons until they are learned. You are one of those life lessons they lost. Rock bottom is the only way for someone to truly change.

[@ssfourvegeta]

The grandiosity and narcissism someone has to have to think that only people who get through the gauntlet of bs deserve to be with them.....

[@sheliasmith2884]

Right mine told me that he test the women he is with who does that. So coach is right.

[@steefan2248]

I mean, why is that a bad thing? Do they really owe them something IF they aren't future-faking?

[@iclassicpepe5731]

don’t get attachment confused with narcissism

[@steefan2248]

@iclassicpepe5731 Both can be true at the same time.

[@Canaday291]

@@sheliasmith2884 yes the testing… mine would tell me he’d test women for mental disorders by how they reacted to inappropriate jokes, laughing too hard they were a psychopath, acted offended they were borderline, or how excited they were About meeting his dog .. if they acted too excited they were borderline, inauthentic passive they were psychopath. He was always diagnosing others with mental problems even if they accidentally bumped into him or his dog without acknowledging it they were psychopaths… He was also obsessed with bringing up his never resolved grudges and bitterness with his ex wife from 19 years ago, yet the last time I saw him he mentions he reached out to her to go dog walking.

[@awesomefire7117]

These videos are getting progressively more brilliant. Thank you for these and for your research into attachment styles. As a therapist this comes in handy on both a personal and professional level. Human relationships are so complex.

[@chrisseitercoaching]

Wow, thank you! Hearing this from a therapist makes it so much better

[@capela8669]

@@chrisseitercoachingI’m a therapist too Chris but only after a few drinks!

[@carrievaleriaalvarez2198]

​@@chrisseitercoaching"as a dating coach I don't like the online relationship coaching industry" and "we at ExBFRecovery don't want you to focus on getting your ex back" are great flexes

[@azalea1043]

I echo this exactly too as a Therapist. After all, I am sure it’s our own complex childhoods that gave us a passion for helping other people sort out their childhood challenges. All of us are a work-in-progress. Be well.

[@RobertNelson87]

Labelling people won't help. There's nothing wrong with your natural desire for closeness, kindness, interest in you, your life on a consistent level. If you ever feel a person losing interest or pulling away, you won't have a clue with labelling and starting a diagnosis. Speak up once for your needs. If the other person is not willing to meet them, it's your turn to shut things off. The earlier the better. Don't look back. I really mean it for your own sake. Any day longer you stay trapped in this, you drain yourself physically and emotionally. If they reach out, it's often just to check if you're still on the hook, sometimes out of curiosity. This isn't the kind of love you're looking for. If it was they'd never allow you to leave or neglect your basic, natural desire for closeness and connection.

[@gayleneflower398]

Thank you, common sense, interjected, and appreciated

[@ABRASILERA17]

Their self sabotage is incredibly ironic

[@jbelle7133]

Great…he’s in love with me but terrified of me.

[@magicisreal111]

Yyyyep!

[@magicisreal111]

He agreed to end things rather than step up because he said he loves me, cares for me, that our sex is off the charts amazing, he loves hanging out with me, thinks I’m the most beautiful person and loves how well I care for him … but that he doesn’t feel what he’d need to feel for me to commit. 🤔 literally makes no sense.

[@nano7586]

Her not opening up and withdrawing from me was the exact reason I broke up with her after 2.5 months. I'm done with that shit. It's not my responsibility to fix her.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Right

[@littledevil8146]

It's not only not your responsibility, it's impossible to fix a person, that doesn't do any shit to fix themselves.

[@iclassicpepe5731]

it isn’t your responsibility, but you can be there to support them. only if they are wiling to fix themselves

[@nano7586]

@@iclassicpepe5731 Support them while they are cheating on me? Nope.

[@jiafei6833122]

My experience exactly. Been seeing this girl for the last 2 months till a couple days ago. Feels like i'm doing everything to bridge our gap and she's just doing the opposite. Every time i feel a step closer to her after a date, she takes 2 steps back and walls herself off. I was exited when she reached out to me last saturday to arrange a date with me this weekend, who would've thought she'd cancel it the day before. and its the same excuse - work is too much and she needs 2 days to recharge. Finally confronted her about how she feels about me, and she wants to end things. So i bowed out gracefully.

[@BruceJC75]

Seriously questioning whether or not I want to get her back now… I won’t lie and say I like being single. I definitely do want love and to eventually be married, but I want someone who wants me too.

[@ItsJustAdrean]

Focus on that last part. Avoidants who aren't actively seeking help will always hate you, because they value their autonomy and appearance more than intimacy. Ditch her, tell her why, and never look back

[@gokuwufei99]

Be strong BruceJC75, the better, more loving and affectionate person for you is right around the corner. I speak from experience, I chased my DA ex for a YEAR, a month ago I met the most incredible also AP woman of my dreams. All I'm saying is, when I look in the rear view, f my ex, she could never in 3 years give me more love and attention as this new girlfriend has in this past month alone. Don't get stuck, I hope my ex enjoys being avoidant alone with her cat 🤷

[@numinousluminary41]

More importantly, look VERY closely at YOURSELF. If you were attracted to someone that has an avoidant attachment style then almost CERTAINLY you have an anxious attachment style (because the two go together like bread and butter) so whether you get back with her or find someone else until you process the things that cause your anxious attachment style (usually childhood neglect or having a parent, most often mother, that was avoidant and blamed you for their problems and denied you love unless you were perfect or "well behaved"), you will recreate the same situation again. Self work comes first.

[@ItsJustAdrean]

@numinousluminary41 better than I could have said myself!

[@IntellectualCandy-jd1dw]

I can't tell you how many times I had to play the "How well do you know him?" game when i was with his family. I was always the sole contestant. Was like he was always trying to publicly disqualify me in front of them -- get all his ducks in a row for the breakup -- or personally justify his orbit around me. Joke was on me, pretty sure his family knew no girlfriend ever passes the testing. I was witness to the testing he did with them too. Avoidants are always testing. God, please bless 'em with a desire to seek answers

[@a.b.2850]

Their shenanigans are so narcissistic.. it’s all about them, showing no interest in others.

[@E4439Qv5]

Oh please... _spare_ us.

[@AnnCooper33]

@@E4439Qv5 🙄🙄🙄

[@cherrylane79]

All my avoidants have either ghosted me or treated me like used garbage, throwing me away and then after months digging me up again from the trash can. Hard to see any love there. Also narcissists do that also, but they never love you.

[@sierraG333]

Oh shit! So what you're saying is they might dig me up in a few months...they already discarded me when I wanted to commit. Yikes!

[@iclassicpepe5731]

glad you understand they’re not narcissists

[@DobermanDanK9]

@@sierraG333They do. Could be months or years.. If you had a connection with them, they’ll circle back for sure

[@Apocalyptiseptical]

Crazy to realize we have similar patterns with those who hurt us and when we finally realize it’s a pattern and heal our inner wounds we just can’t go thru the patterns anymore as we don’t feel abandoned and it’s freedom. We ignore them. Like we should have done since the very beginning but we thought there was something authentic and deep there

[@Apocalyptiseptical]

@@sierraG333oh they sure will. They have great memory. They’ll use the same tactics although you’ve outgrown them. You can stop the process before it ends as it once did.

[@MaryDunford]

How is that love? Love is simple. People love their pets with more honesty and loyalty. I mean, no one compares their pet with their friend's pet and thinks, "I can do better." I used to think I might be avoidant. But I don't play any of these games. And I *definitely* don't want a rerun of my crazy dysfunctional upbringing's greatest hits. Anyone who intentionally tried to put me through that again (especially as some sort of f'd up mating ritual) probably wouldn't enjoy the response. Chill and steady and sans unnecessary pain/ evil is the definitely my new black. I just want to be happy with someone's company and know they care about me, and to improve their quality of life in return. Otherwise, I don't have to prove anything or compare anyone with anyone to anyone. It's not complicated. Really. Stupid simple.

[@desiemehrabian1133]

I get more affection from my cat than from my DA bf at this point. Next step is to let him know what my needs are.

[@auralionasol2205]

Should break up with him he's just wasting ur time

[@phoenixmode6909]

My goals exactly. Except that the current and prior are both avoidant (was a little harder to spot with current, because he wanted to 'take things slow', and both having been divorced I wanted that too). And then there's the one I was married to long term, that was actually more narcissistic than avoidant, and had TONS as much baggage as I did, but unlike me, saw no reason to change or get help for his trauma. And then mocked me when I did so for myself. This current one, I'm just kind of hanging back now that I realize where he's at. I have wanted to talk about these deeper things with him, but one date a month for 6 months, see him twice a week maybe at work (it's a small mom and pop shop, so really no issues with that) where there's no time or place for conversations, and his refusal to reach out first, or text much even when I reach out, and def refusal to call on the phone....the whole gift-giving, heavy flirting and innuendos when we're together, the lack of deeper kisses or even make out sessions (were 60s, but we aren't dead, lol)....we haven't even had s€x, though I be been up for it..... The whole keeping me at arms length just screams either "avoidant" personality, or "pre-narcissistic", though from my past experience, I'd think more the former. I just can't do this, but I feel as if I should just step back, detach a bit, see what he does with a little more space. Go about the rest of my otherwise great life and just observe how he handles me stepping back some. I think therein I will clearly see the answer.

[@shannonshannonbobannon5040]

Well said.

[@jenster29]

​@@phoenixmode6909I think you already know the answer

[@sarahnoke]

The most accurate analysis of this topic I've come across. Im still trying to heal and understand previous romantic and platonic relationships with strong DA'S. They really do mess your mind up, leaving you extremely confused , angry, and heartbroken with so many unanswered questions. Thanks for this!

[@ProjectPain2008]

At this point in life (47yrs), after much research to try to explain the behaviours of others, I've decided it's all a moot point. The root of the problem is apathy and lack of accountability. Nobody calls people out on their bs anymore. I just dumped a woman because she was talking to another man. Do you think she would admit it even after I proved it? No, she had a narcissist implosion and went into a rage. That is someone who is used to doing what they want and never paying consequences. I treated her very well and we had plans to do many great things together. My point is, she came off as avoidant, then turned into malignant narcissist the second she stopped getting her way. Guard your boundaries people

[@gayleneflower398]

“ narcissist, implosion”🤣🤣🤣🤣😂 such an appropriate term, thank you for the laugh in this cloud of darkness

[@jordans03]

Expansion on #5: Once they see you're capable of weathering the storm they manifested/created, they tend to feel the need/pressure to reciprocate the efforts their partner put out and this triggers their deactivation because they sense they're now spiritually/emotionally in debt to that person and that challenges their independence....

[@melkerner]

My wife held it up for about 5 years and then it all started falling apart - more and more distance, and affection was withdrawn over 7 years to be nothing for the last 8. Adopted children in the home, and once they arrived, the return to her natural avoidant state started up. Always at a distance, 6 inches away and may as well be a mile. Together but not together - zero quality time.

[@blingkid6]

Having and caring for kids can trigger deactivation in an avoidant parent - I experienced this myself. My caregiver was probably avoidant and narcissistic af. I’m a recovering FA and began to envision myself doing the same to my potential kids. It’s one of the reasons I’m fighting hard to become secure. Have to break the cycle.

[@Christy33.]

This is such powerful information. It helps me to understand that I should look deeper into myself and my attachment style instead of “why” they behaved like that. It changes focus and perspective.

[@robwilson5928]

No! If they are setting up another relationship, they ARE cheating on you.

[@ageves8487]

They play stupid games, they should win stupid prizes. Not your precious time, energy, patience, sanity and love. Not worth it. Know when the game is being rigged and bail ASAP. Forever. Bye, lol.

[@ATLCane]

dont waste your time. Avoid these people at all costs

[@indyd9322]

Really good video! Yep, some of them will put you through these games. It's exhausting and wastes a lot of time. An unhealed DA will either consciously or unconsciously run you through their gauntlet. They will see how much crap they can put you through until the relationship breaks. Some DAs also have narcissistic tendencies. These people will see how much they can put you through until YOU break.

[@WisdomWorldrx]

You have to have a very secure attachment style to deal with these people

[@kylel4971]

Very true

[@Avoidantcoper]

secure people lie in the middle of the anxious and avoidant spectrum so we want a degree of connection, intimacy and affection. I'd say 'dealing' with these people as a secure just entails neglecting your needs and letting your boundaries erode completely over time. In that case, its oxymoronic to what a relationship and love means.

[@aselyne5631]

Not even that, you just have to not give a fck at all

[@chiaraA.]

excellent points. I summed things up this way re: the DA I dated. We had a wonderful honeymoon phase. He left suddenly. He tried to come back months later - very non-challantly similar to an F-boy. Basically it was, "I can't do healthy... but I can do toxic! Do you want to do toxic?" So I laughed him off. Just gave back that F-boy energy with some F-girl energy of my own. What's good for the goose is good for the gander as they say

[@johnkim1207]

The funny part is that after the so called trials that they are putting us through, there is also no guarantee that we will be treated fairly as they are continuously scanning us and look for alternatives.

[@rosannarivero2863]

Heal thyself first. This is ridiculous, leave these people alone as they will never love anyone as much as they love their anxiety.

[@PaigeSquared]

On the other end of the "reassurance," the avoidant is *taking* security from their partner, and that is what they do not see. They are so overly focused on protecting themselves, they cannot see when these protective habits are actively hurting others. And then they know they were in the feeling of self defense, so when someone shares that they were hurt, and the avoidant experiences shame, they understand this as the other person *shaming* them, which is NOT the same thing. It might as well be, to them. They feel so overly persecuted that they will not agree to take on any responsibilities of a normal mutual relationship unless cornered and forced. And that is the exact opposite of what any mature partner actually wants to do. Attempting to micromanage another person is beyond exhausting idk why they even bother trying.

[@brucefullwood]

Careful; Avoidant is not a gendered attachment style. Trust me; I know.

[@PaigeSquared]

@@brucefullwood are you teasing me? Because I was careful to not gender what I said. I definitely have observed it in both as well.

[@PaigeSquared]

@@brucefullwood nope I see it and updated it. Thanks!

[@a.b.creator]

I'm a secure/Avoidant ..and i only have the secure because i have put myself in counseling all my life.

[@a.b.creator]

I also make the joke that I'm "securely Avoidant" 😂

[@andreathegoosemother]

I had a covert narcissist avoidant. Very hard love. Setting boundaries was not possible and viewed as controlling where the love bombing I received was merely a manipulation until they thought 'they had me' controlled. My heart broke with his dishonesty

[@gayleneflower398]

I understand your pain.

[@SaintsandSushi]

My ex admitted that he “studied” the type of person he knew I would be attracted to and acted accordingly in order for me to be in a relationship with him. He would apparently read online forums on how to attract women like me (highly educated and with a career). He actually kept the facade for three years until one day he overheard me talking to his female cousin about how I would never add a partner’s name to my house or bank accounts….that day when we went home we had our first official fight and things got worse from then on. For reference his mom actually has an official diagnosis of Narcissist Personality Disorder which is super hard to get.

[@formalhault5820]

Diabolical

[@margodrake3825]

Fearful avoidant here, that sounds more like a sociopath. The masking and all for three years?!?! That's not neurotypical behaviour. I might hide how I feel or run hot and cold. & need a lot of space but never have schemed to try to steal resources from anyone I've dated. Or pretended to be someone else. I just have a fear of engulfment/ being abused.

[@sierraG333]

That's some next level psychopath shit right there

[@S5Dic09]

nice story, but you're in the wrong channel

[@Jdabomb93]

Evil. Watch the f out.

[@angelikimarou8083]

Love these videos and you narrating! The last point in this particular video? So so true! They ultimately make you feel like a Roman gladiator armed with lethal weapons...spending all your time in the arena. And of course they want you to fail. They are actually pretty mad at you when you succeed. They cannot understand the concept of uconditional love that leaves people alone and free to decide. On the other hand for gladiators during ancient times, there was freedom or death. That used to be the end of their slavery. With loving an FA or a DA? The torture never ends. It stabs your beating heart every single time...until you break free at last and allow them to reject you and your love without blaming yourself and holding hard feelings...wishing them best of lack in their lives and continue to love them from a distance while you live your best life too alone or with someone secure!

[@Flufero23]

OMG. This is so true. My ex FA began the slow fade after expressing his deep feelings for me. This continued for three years until he monkey branched to another. A month before his monkey branching, he told me he was available to take me anywhere I needed or wanted to go at any time. I always initiated contact so this was a pleasant surprise. He would do anything for me as long as his feelings could stay neutral. When telling me of his new love, he wanted to be friends and still see each other. Hell no! No friendship for me. I let him go without a tear. I don't play second choice. N C forever for me. I am mostly secure and I am mentally tough.. We had a four-year relationship/situationship that was mostly good and peaceful. I guess he took me for granted. I don't expect him to return. I think he feels guilty even though I am sure he's trying to fool himself. He knows I don't play games. It's sad. Maybe his new love is a better fit From what I know he probably feels "safe". It was also aided NY her family. He would never be a fit with me. I have moved on.

[@Sandra.B]

You've moved on yet you're watching this video?🤔

[@S5Dic09]

yeah, so secure that were in a situationship aka 'practice with me instead of with your hand', was a good deal for him only, this losers should be better let alone, and let them be miserable alone, so many good people out there wanting to be with someon capable and they just tarnish people for others, no thanks, most men, like men, like me won't take girls after being in those long situationships

[@Flufero23]

Yes. I have moved on emotionally. And , I still watch these videos since. I find them educational. It did take me several months to heal,, but I did it. One can move on and still watch videos. I have an interest in human behavior.

[@Flufero23]

Actually, I tested 70% secure, and 30% FA myself. I have no problem with commitment, but my FA shows up in my own need for space. I had my own life, family, friends, activities, etc. That's probably how we lasted four years.

[@Flufero23]

@@S5Dic09 Actually, the relationship turned into the situationship as he slowly pulled away. Technically, it was still a relationship. And yes, I am mostly secure. It does take time to emotionally detach from a relationship. Anyone who has ever liked/ loved someone would know that.

[@JenGrice]

💯% spot on!!! I have an avoidant (would never put a label on us so maybe we’re “friends” IDK??) who keeps coming back, if I stop talking, he reaches back out. He even said something about “testing” potential partners. My entire relationship feels like a test and because I’m not perfect and can’t read his mind, I keep failing the test.

[@MissScorp0111]

They always testing people. My person of interest admits that he tests women he likes. Very stressful😢.

[@tomv44]

@JenGrice, do you plan on staying in this situationship? I'm also pretty much in the same shoes, a DA I'm dating who just seems to be testing me.

[@SK-no2pp]

Use non violent communication

[@neen9438]

Cant win

[@anneyoung2310]

Thank you for the warning. Hopefully the signs are obvious to healthy relationship seekers, and those of us comfortable being alone or with someone with whom there is mutuality (attraction, priorities, psychological health,...etc.). The standards aren't getting lower here. Hence, still single, yet, I do hope to meet him. Avoiding the avoidant is gonna be darn easy, per your assessment: "They rarely initiate contact." I needed something to be easy lately. Secure people usually mate with secure, assertive persons, or not at all. It's not the silent treatment. It's a firm no to avoidants.

[@instagamrr]

Man, the only comfort i find out of all of this (it was all very informative) is that hey, at least this might be an evolutionary strategy for the species to have varying attachment styles. Cause my god, being entangled with a DA is just plain brutal. It’s the definition of being with someone who plays games

[@E4439Qv5]

If you can't game, don't marry the gamer.

[@taniaswain-williams1379]

Totally agree on your hypothesis. A guy i was seeing (who seems very avoidant) kept creating these dramtaic chaotic situations in which i had to stay very calm in. I would notice he was surprisingly calm almost enjoying it and wondered if these are tests...

[@amymartin3929]

Still recovering from this hell.. just run away

[@gayleneflower398]

Agree. It will take a long time to recover from this kind of abuse so effed up.

[@geremymason5936]

Thank you for stating how a facade can only be maintained for so long. Most people don’t seem to understand how someone can switch up and become a totally different person. After a certain amount of time, the person can’t keep the weight of a mask up and they eventually let it slip and show you who they truly are. That’s why showing people who you are at the beginning is so important - that act you are thinking of employing won’t last forever. If you have any interest in a long term thing, that person is going to see the real you at some point - don’t let them fall in love with a you that’s not real.

[@ForeverTogether219]

@@geremymason5936 In all honesty.. isn’t this Like “ Different Personality Disorder” DPD .. Just wondering.. 💭

[@MaestroAssistant]

I feel like I'm a mixture of the avoidant and the anxious. In two long term relationships I did test them both to make sure they wouldn't leave down the line. In both relationships after I have tested them and they seemed to have pass, I fell deeply in love with them. I was on cloud 9, but not for long. The tests left them hurt and confused as to my sudden change in behavior and commitment. As they started pulling away, I became anxious and started showing those behaviors, pushing them away more. I think your theory is solid. I noticed it in myself just a few days ago and started watching you videos because of my own confusion as to what had happened and what I did wrong. Anywho, I like the theory. Upvote from me with about 9 years of doing this... gonna go find a way to change

[@jack-gx]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.

[@kanereall]

I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.

[@jack-gx]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach one?

[@kanereall]

Her name is Maurice Gleti. You can search and find her.

[@jack-gx]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@S5Dic09]

@@kanereall wtf

[@Twighlight333]

Im a fearful avoidant, and he is a dismissive avoidant, i noticed i would reach out first and he would hardly respond and it would hurt my feelings so i would pull away hard, finally i decided to stop reaching out first and allow him to do it when he was ready and that worked wonders for him because as you mentioned they are control freaks... he controlled our communication at his convince but i still wasnt happy with it and i broke it off, NC for over 2 months now

[@Nick-os3gn]

I'm on the same boat as you lol the FA/DA dynamic is wild. I'm also NC for 2 months.

[@SK-no2pp]

It’s so hurtful. It’s like the communication is on their terms, we talk when and if he wants to. When I call it’s a 50/50 chance he’ll even pick up or return my call. This is a slow death lol

[@extra222love]

DA will only approach you to fulfill his/her needs. Once fulfilled you’re nothing to them and they’ll make you feel it.

[@rachelmel]

Unfortunately, that "hypothesis" isn't likey true for a couple of reasons: 1) avoidant attachment can develop from parents who were un-emotional and did not model emotional expression or support. They could have provided for their child physically in every way and been a fantastic parents in every other way. But when it came to expressing emotions or soothing their child when they were in emotional pain, they likely brushed it aside or ignored it. 2) because many avoidants had otherwise ideal childhoods, they aren't even aware that they suffered from emotional neglect (unless they learn about it later). They often believe that they had great childhoods and are very resistant to hearing anything was wrong with how they were raised. Therefore, they wouldn't be thinking about putting someone through harsh environments or situations because they themselves didn't feel they were subject to that. The real issue is that they lack empathy and are very self-focused and as such will act in ways that selfish and inconsiderate. They don't like compromise and they act out of their subconscious (shadow). It really most likely has nothing to do with trying to test someone to see if they can survive harsh situations. They just continuously put people in harsh situations because they act in their own interests while ignoring the needs of others.

[@willzkillzz]

I'm slightly avoidant, I love love, I want emotional intimacy and physical intimacy, but I have to feel really safe to open up. I will just follow the other person's lead to avoid rejection, let them make all the first moves, match their energy and no more and let them guide the relationship because I don't want to be rejected, up until a point. Then either a) they don't provide the safe healthy boring relationship dynamic I crave so I get very emotional and over communicate my needs, and if nothing changes I decide they don't care and I leave before they can hurt me worse. Or b) they do and I become a soft baby but also find strength to speak my mind and stand my ground and communicate without fear of abandonment, but that takes time. Most avoidants just want to know they're safe, that you won't abandon them, betray them and abuse them like everyone else, they're scared of exposing their Achilles heel, as long as they let you think they're just chillin either way, you don't know you have the power to hurt them, in their past everyone who hurt them knew they had the power to. So you need to prove you're not going anywhere and that you're harmless and that you genuinely love them before they can really open up. But most of us want to. Nothing would feel better than feeling safe with someone, we just don't know if that's real. I'm not fully avoidant though, so I can't speak for everyone, but that's my two cents.

[@sierraG333]

Thank you for explaining this to me, but why can't they just be vulnerable and speak openly to us about it. I swear the last guy I was about to get involved with was an avoidant. I was so into him, but always leaning back and giving him space, wondering why he never initiated texts or made the first move. It was like he wanted me and didn't want me at the same time.

[@hotpink3459]

Omg, I just went through the same situation, pretty much word for word. There was a love bombing phase, and then he would no longer initiate texts or hangouts.

[@sierraG333]

@@hotpink3459 Right? It's a complete MINDF**K because we are adults in our 30s and I've never been through something like this. It didn't even develop into a relationship, but the wanting me then not wanting me is still messing with me months later. He asked me if I was interested in a relationship, but then when I was ready to move forward, he starts with the friend zoning. It was like he was trying to convince himself he never pursued me or asked me out. I still cry about it a lot. I don't know why I just can't get over it. I was really into him and I thought we were moving towards a relationship, but I saw my self respect going down the drain each time I had to be the one to initiate the texting and the "dates" which he would only ever call "our little catch up." I think men like this are very messed up and they need to stay away from women who love with their whole heart. It just hurts beyond words.

[@TinfoilHatGirl]

🙋🏻‍♀️ I am disconnecting though. Still heartbroken about what could be, because sometimes they allow you a glimpse of it. But I guess we all heard the lesson that we have to stop dating the potential esp when the DA puts you through their gauntlet.

[@sierraG333]

@@TinfoilHatGirl Yep and no point wanting someone who doesn’t want you. They just like the idea of someone chasing them, but then when it gets a bit too real…discard! We are worth more than to be objects to play with for their own ego.

[@JessieTheGinger]

I fond it interesting that the 3rd person said APs say i love you freely. Im an AP and im terrified to tell someone i love them because of abandonment issues as a child. So if i tell someone i love them, im damn well telling the truth because it rakes lots of guts, overthinking and certainty for me to say it

[@anandanabila8439]

Just leave them move on ❤

[@jennifergianakos]

I just found your channel. This is a helpful video. I’m divorcing my husband who I confirmed is a narcissist. But recently learned about avoidants. He is absolutely one. He hates labels, but owns so many. Thank you for helping me understand the facade.

[@mbeau4166]

Your videos about avoidants are the best on YT, really appreciate it!

[@SergioFernandez-cj4mt]

I’ve had a long term relationship with a narcissist, which ended several years ago after raising 2 kids … recently started ‘dating’ a co worker, which has been the strangest experience. 2 and half months of stringing me along, saying all the right things to keep me interested, but emotionally not there for me and completely aloof to my feelings. And far as initiating contact, she is absolutely horrible at that. Couple of times I just decided to break it off for my sanity, but she comes right back and says the right things to reel me back in. After my previous experience with a classic narcissist personality, the mother of my kids, I thought this new girl was one herself. But I finally understand she is your classic avoidant. Never dated or got serious with one and it completely threw me off. This information definitely helps and definitely a learning experience for future women I may meet. Thank u Chris !

[@geremymason5936]

To all the people that keep saying that they had an avoidant that was a gaslighter or treated them bad, remember it’s not just an attachment style that compels someone to act a certain way. Someone can be an avoidant and NOT gaslight or manipulate. Remember, it’s just an attachment style. You also have to factor in the person that you’re dealing with. You may have just been dealing with someone that was a manipulative person that also happened to have an avoidant attachment style. A narcissist can have an avoidant attachment style - just some food for thought.

[@Justyna-dg4hs]

My boy is so stupid lol.😂 He doesn't tell me "babe let's meet today," he just messages me randomly "I'm accidentally in your area today"

[@seanchick5918]

"babe let's meet today," often equals "So needy! Ick!"

[@lisacarr8530]

12 weeks/ 3 months is the amount of time I say to give a person to show true colors

[@wizardofaus2985]

No way!! My husband was fine for close to a year... 9 weeks after marriage, the ring came off.. that was nearly 7 years ago. I'm still around in the background.

[@ANON_YMOUS1111]

My avoidant fiance didn't tell me he loved me until I informed him that we were having our 1 year anniversary. He cringed at the word relationship for maybe 6 months. He tested me big time with his best friend being a girl that apparently had full control of his life until she had absolutely no control and he took his power back once he saw she was a fair weather friend using him for money and manipulating him. I could see his good heart and just knew what I had found, no matter what he was playing at. I had to wait it out to a point where he felt he could trust me. It was like nothing I had seen before but I like a challenge and he has been very worth the investment. His avoidance gave me a chance to learn my worth and self confidence. I'm a healthier person now 5 years later and we have both grown an immense amount.

[@magicisreal111]

Any time I say I love you or I miss you I don’t hear from him for a week. Three years and he’s never said it. It’s extreme. He told me vulnerability gives him the shakes. The physical part is fire and that’s why I’ve stayed for so long.

[@هُناعبير]

It's insane how the difference between a narcissist and an avoidant is barely detectable, but the damage of being with one of them is the same. I was with an avoidant for only a year and a half and I'm going through the experiences of someone who got out of a relationship with a cover narcissist ... And no he wasn't a narcissist, he has lots of empathy towards me and others, he simply was a textbook DA and the empathy just caused lots of confusion to the mixture. If you notice one early on in the relationship, no matter how much they love bomb you and make you feel you're their dream partner, just RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

[@edwong4178]

Them: I’m a very relaxed person. Sometimes people misconstrue my words and actions. Me: It’s confusing when you send me flying kiss emojis but didn’t intend on leading me down a rabbit hole as you said. Them: OMG! I send flying kiss emojis to everyone. It’s not just the avoidance of attachment and intimacy but also of awareness, empathy and accountability. They blame you for all your emotions while taking no responsibility for theirs.

[@gayleneflower398]

👏👏yes!!

[@TheSacralHealer]

Thank you for validating my emotions, I literally told them you were flirting speaking on flying out to see each other long convos speaking on being a power couple etc to only have them say “they flirt with everyone” wow that hurt but thank you for this

[@placebo106]

So, they are terrified of rejection but reject people who actually want to be with them? I don't understand.

[@ancienttech4636]

Genius! Absolute genius! You have described my (soon-to-be-ex) ladyfriend to a "T"! I'm done being bent back and forth like a piece of metal that's about to break! 😒

[@magicisreal111]

This is so amazing - just how textbook it is. My DA “partner” is such a perfect example of all of this. Psychology is fascinating.

[@npkrn6764]

My niece asked me to watch some of these "attachment style" videos and here is my take on it all: I think its important to remember here that just because someone wants to be social and date, doesn't mean they are interested in a serious relationship. And not everyone is, and therefore shouldn't be considered "avoidant". If they have expressed this, then they are being honest and direct and thats not "avoidant". Before labeling someone as avoidant or anything else, make sure its not you that is too pushy or clingy and refusing to hear them. In past generations, people went on lots of dates with lots of people. Not having sex...just dating. If someone was less interested than the other, healthy people didn’t obsess, they simply went on another date the following weekend with someone else and went on with their lives. Now we take it as some big rejection and want to psychoanalyze and label everyone to make ourselves feel better. Its the equivalent of obsessive stalking because it consumes the same amount of time and energy. You may not think of it in that way because its not illegal or creepy like actual stalking, but think about it 🤔- you're still spending tons of your time and energy watching videos or reading about all this to figure out someone else's behaviors and mindset! YOUR time being spent on someone who probably has already forgotten about you. Really think about that...its insane. Yes, there are the types who DO want a relationship and have said so - and if they are saying this and still playing games, then sure, they may be avoidant or fearful or whatever. But look at the bigger picture (which includes your perception and issues) before analyzing or criticizing someone else. All the time people now waste trying to figure out what someone else's problem is, is time we could be spending out meeting new people.

[@gayleneflower398]

🤣🤣🤣🤣 it’s so obvious you’re defending yourself being an avoidant

[@tonitv9991]

this guy is perfect at word salad! His opinions are talented for evoking emotions instead of discussing logical scientific facts that are devoid of emotion. He makes so much money with his biased opinions, what an inspiration to start my own channel!

[@nickhershey3358]

I'm an avoidant, FA, and I have no problem expressing my feelings, but the person I express to never reciprocates. So, I am always stewing in the space of rejection. I also very rarely have interest in someone, maybe once a year, maybe once every two years. I've tried to force interest when there really wasn't any there but platonic, for someone who was very interested in me, and lacking any relationship skills I would try to behave as I imagined I was suppose to, and eventually I was being accused of being "anxious" or "needy" and the partner broke it off. It still hurt, as this person was like a dear friend to me, whom I lost. After this happened a few times, I felt no need to try to force interest again. If they like me, I don't like them, if I like them, they don't like me. I don't think No Contact ever worked for me, some contacted me again maybe a year or so later, but it went no where as I had no interest. Likely, it is only other Avoidants who briefly came into my orbit. I don't think secure types hang around long enough for me to get interested.

[@hoodedhippie]

WOW. I truly thought I was losing my mind SO. MANY. TIMES. because I’ve never been dragged through the wringer so harshly as the avoidant I’m married to. Insane tests and confusion and invalidation and outright silence is truly so destabilizing for an anxious person. The particularly insecure ones just think “I can handle this, I’m strong” and that’s actually true, but we don’t realize, it never actually gets better no matter how much explaining or approaching or educating you do. You end up feeling depressed and worthless…. If you’d don’t catch on to what’s actually happening, you’re unconsciously living in Stockholm syndrome. Freudian theory says we seek out what’s familiar, because it’s all we’ve known.

[@effortlesssuccess2585]

Avoidants are unhealed, immature and are time wasters. Avoid them like a plague.

[@danmarinkovich5223]

Just recently started listening to you clips and the information you offer up has peeled away some layers and paved the way to more insight. As a avoidant (professional) I find myself in a continuous battle to carve out out space where only I'm allowed to engage in what Stan Tatkin would describe as "impoverished play" though this doesn't take place on a conscious level, seems to all be directed out of implicit memory. One of the minor driving forces behind this is, when I'm in the presence of other people no matter how well I know them my cognition shuts down, its like I have no vocabulary which make conversations nearly impossible. Could be PTSD

[@rbsizemore3295]

This is the best video I’ve seen you make. Congrats and keep pushing.

[@leekhototrot2258]

Wow! Excellent insight! I think you might have described the woman I was most recently in love with perfectly! I'm still hurt that she's not around, but I feel so much better that I now understand wtf was going on with her. Thank you!!!

[@AwesomeAndrew]

So do avoidants regret their behaviour later after ruining relationships?

[@Guitana88]

What you described isn't independence...it's a cover for fear of commitment and fear of abandonment...beign independent is a positive trait a true one will.incorporate other people within their life ...these people will.give you a mental illness. Moral.of.the story leave asap and.never look back ...whatever approach one takes the other person will.always lose !

[@LynL-v7o]

I love this, thank you!!! I enjoy your videos so much. You always share good stuff!

[@natimanicole2736]

This was very helpful to understanding why this ex causes chaos in very good moments and is always testing me. Anywho….. I’m over it. It also helps me realize that our relationship was truly a fantasy. Time for me grow through it.

[@Jessiethegirl23]

We set up the next one to distract us from heartbreak.

[@j1969w]

You're a man way ahead of his years. I feel like I can stop listening to all the other so called 'Relationship Guru's'! Thanks my man!

[@Smartbeautifulawesome]

I wish everyone was more positive and people respected relationships more…it’s like everyone comes in and steals from people. We should respect marriages I know life is hard

[@steffenvonfeist1413]

You know you’re fucking right. You nailed it. It’s crazy how the behavior is predictable once you understand. Which you’re helping me do so now. Subscribed

[@amarchelk]

Moral of the story: Avoid the avoidant!!!

[@sheliasmith2884]

Amen

[@coachdebby564]

You are truly brilliant. Thank you so much for your carefully curated videos.

[@SK-no2pp]

presents an acute risk to the safety of relationships with avoidants. Avoidants need to stay in control and, however unconsciously, giving ground for them would upset the balance of power, which can be too torturous a position. They find it very hard to think like a team as they innately view this as dangerously giving up part of themselves. While they may believe they want relationships in theory, in practice they experience regular aversion to their partner - no stronger than when inevitably faced with issues or forced to confront emotions, which means they are much more at risk of walking away. Partners often sense this, which creates a problematic power imbalance in conflict, when both are not showing up with equal desire to move towards resolutions and to make the relationship work as a team. In relationships, withdrawing from conflict is also a subconscious distancing strategy. Conflicts are often left unresolved because the resolution itself often brings a couple closer together - a scenario that, however unconsciously, the avoidant person wants to avoid. Failure to negotiate is a strategy to block intimacy.

[@gayleneflower398]

Well said, thank you

[@keiradavid20]

As usual every word and thought are bang on. Thank you for always helping me to understand more. I often wonder if I have chosen a dismissive avoidant because I sometimes have similar tendencies and am anxious too. However, if I choose someone who is more dismissive than I am, I never have to feel guilty about hurting someone. Ugh lol