5 Attractive Habits That Make Avoidants Beg For Your Attention

[@srijeetasaha3865]

No matter what you do, an avoidant will be attracted to you as per their convenience. When you ask for more, they will belittle you. When you avoid, they might get attracted but things will soon turn South. Instead, build a secure attachment with yourself. By the time you are self assured, you will not want them anymore

[@ggrey5222]

Agreed! It is when they choose to show up and be all lovey dovey. When you want what you gave them in return all of a sudden you are the clingy one and they close off. But when they were insecure and needed and wanted care and commitment from you it was rainbows and butterflies. You are correct - at their convenience and that’s not how healthy relationships work. The irony is, they know better and have self awareness. They know it’s about compromise and making each other happy…. One day they go from all in to not wanting/being able to put in the work to a relationship anymore. It’s sad

[@srijeetasaha3865]

@@ggrey5222 thankfully I had a very short relationship with an avoidant. The moment I realised what he was trying to do, I backed off I asked for bare minimum in a relationship, like keeping me updated, calling me whenever free. But he took it otherwise. One day, he ghosted me for 7 hours. I mean, who is that busy on an off day that too during the day? That day, I decided it was enough You cannot keep me at an armlength and call it love. I confronted, he flipped out, took space for 3 days. I reached out and he came up with the world's most baseless compromises ever. I bade him goodbye. Killed me to do so, but I am at peace, not pieces. Bottomline: My mother did not carry me 9 months in her womb to remain a lab rat for a questionable boy who refuses to grow up. Peace and healing to him 🌸

[@XOChristianaNicole]

Bingo.

[@muffemod]

The more they avoided me, the more my attraction for them eroded away. Who knew dating an avoidant could actually help me become more secure (with myself).

[@andziagreen4922]

True. Amen

[@BB-fw7fn]

The irony about avoidants is their biggest fear of independence being challenged or appearing needy is EXACTLY who they are. They are fine being energy and emotional vampires sucking all of your resources but as soon as something is needed from their partner they are literally turned off by that request. They want space and grace and understanding while simultaneously not being able to give it to anyone, they want to be loved without giving love, they want forgiveness and empathy for their struggles to connect while offering no reassurance and empathy to those around them. They are the neediest of all attachment styles because it’s a net 0 for the other party. Heal my friends, love yourself, and let your avoidant go to do the same.

[@hardboiled2987]

Fuck, I hate that you’re spot on. Perfectly worded the imbalance I felt.

[@CaseErickson]

thank you 🙏

[@Scorpio_1974]

It is sad! They may have a mother & father that did not care for them OR mother father died OR They lost their Husband & kids when that happens they have this HUGE hole in their life they learn to suppress thier emotional needs which is very very high and avoids seeking comfort. Also their life become very stressful & Anixety. 1. Cortisol high leveles of stress. Which will shut off the receptors it blocks them. Makes them Hypervigilant. Makes too much of it she will have Cushing Syndrome OR hypercortisolism. muscle weakness, severe fatigue, irritability, 2. Oxytocin the love hormone, cuddle hormone, or bonding hormone. 3. Vasopressin is a Hormone released It also influences emotions and behavior like fear, anxiety, protectiveness, and love. 4. Sertotonin stabilizes mood and anxiety. 5. Dopamine affects Motivation & Pleasure. So 2 to 5 they do not have any of that its blocked by stress & anxiety in their life. The fact is believe or not they do not know that they are doing it until you say something about it. They will apologize & say so sorry I di dnot mean to hurt you & guess what it will continue of the apologies from that person because as I said they don't know that they are doing it.

[@Jungkooks_chest_enthousiast]

A relationship is a mirror to self

[@shellbell8062]

I have had very similar thoughts. They test you non-stop, yet they fail the basic test in even being there for you. I had the very experience of becoming secure and then being turned off by the person that I loved so much for years. It was incredibly strange - like my heart just shut its doors for the last time. Business hours are over my friend - you under-stayed your welcome.

[@Bee-lp3wj]

I'm a former Fearful Avoidant. Don't lose yourself by bending over backward to get avoidants to stay. You will lose yourself in the process. I'm glad partners I had didn't enable me. I needed therapy not someone to tolerate my toxicity. Also if you are obsessed with getting an avoidant back you may have an anxious attachment style that needs to be worked on.

[@TheCozyPeoplePodcast]

Thank you ❤

[@espiritualidadetarot3779]

@@Bee-lp3wj i am so glad to see such a perfect, clear, honest, balanced, and self aware opinion and good advice from an ex-avoidant. Well done! May you find happiness always. 🙌🙌🙌

[@Crimejunkymaymay]

Narcissist. Evil monsters. Therapy is not gonna help. ,(Avoidants. 😅). That is a word for the offended offended people. Before long we won't be able to say the real word for this evil. Narcs.

[@Crimejunkymaymay]

Love? Narcs don't love anyone . Only their shelves.

[@Ruyolr]

How did your partners not enable this behaviour?

[@AngelaJeanChat]

I have watched two videos and I’m exhausted. I would say run…don’t walk.

[@tankthearc9875]

we need a phd to deal with them , even this video doesnt really tell you want they want

[@WhisperingJaneASMR]

Yes, it's really exhausting. My ex is a dismissive-avoidant and I'm an anxiously attached person (healing myself more and more and putting up boundaries). The constant running and chasing is heartbreaking and tiring. I don't want that in my life any longer. I hope he will heal his wounds and seeks help, and if it's only on the internet. He's 33 now and still doesn't want a relationship (we met in 2012 and ever since we were in touch more or less through long-distance but not in a relationship anymore). I can't handle it, it's too painful and doesn't lead anywhere.

Ohhh, so two videos makes you an expert ehh? Well I've watched 100 videos. And ok ya I. Confirm that Run thingy you said

[@mialovestarot]

The most exhausting about it for me is the background music 😂

[@tubefile100]

😂😂😂😂

[@paulaperson4460]

Healed from a narcissist to fall in love with an avoidant, only to have to go through the healing process again. I am beyond exhausted with relationships, embracing my single season.

[@mockingbird1589]

Girl, I know❤ many blessings.

[@danmeck5978]

I'm wondering what the difference is

[@chelseyt7091]

omg same here!

[@Lotna]

@@danmeck5978 Narcissists can't change, avoidance could, if they wanted to. But they both are emotional vampires.

[@CaseErickson]

girl SAME! Except i’m not “officially” done with my avoidant. We’re close to the end tho. I saw him the other day and while I was hugging him I sang, “End of the Road, but I can’t let go” by BoyzIIMen. It would be funny if we didn’t cry so much!

[@sshuteandrew]

So sad that the only way to have the hope of having a relationship with someone is by ignoring them. Very sad and messed up. Unhealthy.

[@gatorssbm]

Its more to decide if you want to stick around to give a hand and hope the other person is self aware enough to open up and commit more slowly overtime. If it doesnt get better and youre discontent moving on is completely valid, you cant force compatibility.

[@cspace1234nz]

@@gatorssbm ...yeah that sounds good but these people don't tend to do that. They are not accountable, they don't take personal responsibility, they will not face up to themselves and do the work. They think that if everybody else would sort themselves out they would be just fine. Avoid the avoiders at all costs, unless of course you are addicted to pain, suffering and struggle in which case they will be perfect as they are highly destructive to relationships. As the OP suggested, it is actually very sad because they are seemingly unable to help themselves and just like everyone else, they are longing for love and intimacy.

[@Audacitytoheal]

@@cspace1234nz💯 spot on!

[@robertbenedek4463]

...and they find partners with extraordinary giving capabilities who try to help them EVEN IF misused. They are very very good at TAKING and giving just as little back as possible. (Or making compensations.) It's emotional usury.

[@angelm6497]

@@sshuteandrew yeah and as a SIGMA INFJ, my response to a male dating coach that suggested this approach was...'while your ignoring her, she's getting attention elsewhere. I mean seriously!???!!!

[@Angelthunder11]

Absolutely no one has time for childish mind games, empty promises, being compared to previous exes, and neglect, I’m glad I went through the horror I did and multiple times with multiple avoidants throughout years, some of which were full blown narcissistic, it forced me to move on and heal myself

[@renewyourmind1815]

Congrats to him. He has all the space he needs...

[@Itsonlyme526]

Did you end it? 🫶🏽

[@renewyourmind1815]

@Itsonlyme526 - yup

[@Itsonlyme526]

@@renewyourmind1815 are you OK🫶🏽

[@lemmesay]

One should want to be with you based on your attractiveness, intelligence, integrity, morality, authenticity. If they bypass all of these and want you based on your ability to play games, act hard to get, how uninterested or unavailable you are towards them, then they don't know the true values of a person, and you should immediately cut contact and move on.

[@mag-of5cd]

Of course, you're absolutely right. Keep in mind these people are not aware that they judge others on these other characteristics. To them, they're looking for their insecurities to be comforted. That sometimes comes in the form of seeing a big deal to be made about something which would be arbitrary to secure people.

[@尼古拉斯-Nicholas]

If someone’s more interested in your game skills than your real skills, it's time to hand them a game over. Why settle for a player when you deserve a partner who values the real you? Swipe left on the drama and right on the substance

[@purplebutterfly314]

Yep. Dating for them is just auditioning for the next victim in their cat and mouse game. That's what they want, they don't actually care to know much about who plays with them.

[@尼古拉斯-Nicholas]

@@purplebutterfly314 Exactly! For them, dating is less about finding a genuine connection and more about casting for their next reality show, "Survivor: Emotional Manipulation." They’re more interested in the game than the players, and the only thing they truly care about is how well they can keep the drama rolling!

[@octoberdawn1087]

I wish. It's all the guys talk about these days omg. Guys will compare to super made up women and say I could look like that. I'm like, "or I could look like me, why are you talking to me anyway?!" It's weird out there

[@julianawellman2235]

1) 0:24 stop trying to get avoidants back 2) 5:12 they are drawn to people who engage their subconscious mind 7:31 by doing problem solving activities 3) 7:56 four types of people they are drawn to 4) 11:26 the Pocket World theory 5) 15:57 sell them what they want, give them what they need

[@tarkov_6]

Secure people dont want someone they have to drag towards them or push away all the time.

[@olivegoddess1]

Word

[@albertdavis4797]

Yes ❤

[@Mate_Mateo]

Problem is you don't know it for a while since at start they can really be open (surface wise) since they aren't emotionally invested real time yet.. and after you think everything is going fine, you catch a feeling and wanting to start forming deeper sense of rl they pull away and if you haven't dealt with one of those before, you get caught off guard... and since you care you are already invested and want to get to bottom of it. Slowly you start to become anxious and after a while they discard you

[@cindychelsea784]

Fr… I’ll just drop you off where I met you and keep it moving. Ofc I’ll try but when enough is enough, you wouldn’t have to hear from me again

[@Lotna]

@@Mate_Mateo Or you discard them, when you realize that this seemingly wonderful person is a walking toxicity.

[@StaceyShaf]

I don’t understand why anyone would want to get an avoidant back. It seems like a constant struggle and an inevitable feeling of pain & defeat.

[@terenarosa4790]

Because they're hot 😍😛

[@tagzntoons]

Trauma bonds are real

[@CaseErickson]

they’re probably addicted (to pain, drama, suffering etc). It’s a net zero game 😢

[@SarahRamsingh]

@@terenarosa4790 There are hot, sane people too lol. Why make you're life harder than it needs to be.

[@terenarosa4790]

@@SarahRamsingh lol, yeah, I'm starting to get over it finally. 😂

[@Bubbles-od2tv]

I just watched a video of a lion and a lioness, they were so affectionate to each other, and here we are playing games with people with personality disorders. How did it all go so wrong 😢

[@coachingliferealities]

I watched this video a few days ago. Then I came back again. Tonight specifically. Yes. I saw my avoidant tonight and I realized all the love I had for him is no more. It had been two years almost to the day I had last seen him. There were things I found out he was doing (he has no clue I know) and not that he owes me an explanation because he does not. And you’re right. In the in two years he decided to “disappear”, through my own grief I guess I fell out of love. He no longer fits every single thing I have worked for and every goal I’m working towards in my life. I wish him the best.

[@lindat1317]

This

[@Amanda-hp4nd]

You’re a true winner….. 💚💚

[@Amanda-hp4nd]

I applaud you.

[@coachingliferealities]

@@Amanda-hp4nd thank you. 🙏🏼 I’m happier now since letting all that go. It’s so not worth it.

[@Angelthunder11]

I went through this until I too finally emotionally detached and realized he’s not that special after all … I walked away

[@sandragrace328]

Wow. The last statement you made in this video was so solid and true, it was basically a mic drop. Your healing makes your attraction to them naturally shift away…

[@edithk2997]

Honestly just run away from these people cause they’re gonna end up hurting you, you’ll never experience genuine healthy connection with them, it’ll traumatise you and you’ll waste years of your life if you allow

[@CaseErickson]

i’m almost three years in, and I’d have to agree.

[@poleteli]

15 years of that and divorced recently

[@ap5445]

@@CaseEricksonAmen. Three years last month. Time to get off the roller coaster

[@letsdomath1750]

19:40 Yup, exactly. If you are stable within yourself, these types of dynamics will automatically reveal themselves to be too draining and exhausting. You would not want to engage with avoidant behavior at all.

[@yvonnesutherland6667]

Once upon a time I was routinely broken up with an avoidant. He always initiated the break up. One day I had enough of walking on egg shells and broke up with him. I grew stronger. The end

[@artifundio1]

It happened to me too. I grew tired of it, and I stopped receiving him back. He was so lovely when he wasn't escaping some difficult emotion. But adulthood comes with more difficult emotions than an avoidant can manage 😢

[@higherground337]

Yes! Avoidants end up with anxious partners because only anxious are willing to do the work of both people in the relationship. The only solution for partners of avoidants is to move toward being more secure and let the chips fall where they may.

[@bruceboyer8187]

💯 Becoming anxious enables them and repels them. Stay secure strong. They either fiugure it out or they do not. Secure might get lured away waiting on the avoidant to get it together. The Avoidant knows this internally. It's a motivator..😊

[@ChulaRuthie72]

I realized my ex is an avoidance. The distance or being less interactive is hurtful but I was determined to not set myself up for a painful experience. Therefore, I walked away for my sake. Sadly, it's been over a month of NC and I needed it. I learned about myself from all this experience and worked on myself. Feeling confident that God is working on the man for me as he is working on me.❤

[@Shazlii]

Same girl, i distanced myself from him and i haven't heard from him in the last 1 month. He only sends breadcrumbs like liking my IG stories. I've been in complete No Contact and as much as i love him, the pain i had to endure after he distanced himself from me was far much greater and i'm not willing to compromise my self respect ever again. Yeah, so whether he returns or not i'll just remain indifferent.

[@Zzz3331]

One month is not long at all. But they always come back. But in my experience it's just a cycle over and over. If you watch the full video the ending is what we all need to here. Is what they are and what they do truly what we "need and want". Probably not. ❤ healing prayers for us all

[@Shazlii]

@@Zzz3331 so when do you think they are likely to reach out?

[@petitcoeur-q6r]

@@Shazliidon’t expect them to come back - they will only do so if you contact them after a while and they only want you back when they have no other prospects, and just want the benefits they had with you. If you let them come back they will use you and once they feel like they can find someone else better than you they will ghost and discard you all over again.

[@espiritualidadetarot3779]

@@Shazlii It would be great for you if didn't give him the option to return. Try to work on yourself to the point where you get to block him and delete him from your phone and your life.

[@tristanperera5220]

If you replace the word ‘avoidant’ in your vocabulary with the word ‘douchebag’ you can save yourself a lot of time, money and heartache. For example ‘How can I get a douchebag to love me?’ Easy…you just don’t do it! You can see how absurd all this theory is when faced with the truth!

[@smokingcrab2290]

Or narcissist

[@billiefitzgerald8338]

LOL!

[@deb2319]

You got that right!

[@uhohotdog3483]

Well said it all seems like cruelty of the heart.

[@gabriellewhalley1328]

Well I am almost 50 and only avoidants left in the pool

[@mariespi96]

OMG! You have to play so many psychological mind games with avoidants to end up not wanting them in the end because that’s what’s best for you. I was laughing at the end of this video. 😂🤪

[@IPSITA1000]

OMG. Excessive time waste and energy waste. 😂

[@brandiawudu2363]

I cut my husband phone of because he was only calling me 2 times a week thin cut the phone off I can't talk it no more..when he got a job out of town

[@sandramcleod9723]

Omg. I walked away from an avoidant and I am an intj. The end of your video is spot on. Thank you so much.

[@LastEarBender]

I honestly think that avoidants attract other avoidants - and after a while as one catches real feelings and gets scared, the other becomes anxious - if/ when the relationship doesn't end, they may swing back and forth - one person grows weary of the distance and starts talking about wanting to end it or does end it - and then the person who had been avoidant can become anxious and extremely accommodating for as long as long as that dynamic lasts before one or the other decides to pull away again. Signed - someone who's fluctuated between secure when healthy, anxious and avoidant.

[@VanoudsLangroet]

I think your are right, two sides of the same fearful attachment coin. I am left by an (probably)avoidant. Got into therapy. The therapist thinks I'm avoidant too! It blew me away. I'm just in the anxious mode right now. All gotten from fear in my unconscious youth. Starting to understand it and really trying to heal myself. Glad to be aware of it

[@pdazajhon2160]

this is quite true, i think i was an avoidant and i atracted an avoidant girl which turned me into anxious, lol.

[@rafiekgideon]

Please make a video on how to become more secure. I enjoy the way you present your research.

[@andydetweiler766]

I took my avoidant gf back, telling her at the very least I will become more stoic by dealing with her. This was before I knew anything about avoidant types. Currently I am setting on the back burner while she's off doing other things. As I have learned it's not just my issues causing this, I can accept things, work on my faults, and be ok if she decides to come back, or not.

[@christianhunter777]

The best way to make an avoidant beg for your attention, in my humble experience, would to relentlessly ignore them. Show them very little initial interest, and thereafter offer only sporadic, inconsistent reinforcement, and above all never expect anything from them. Low to zero expectations make avoidant women want to meet and and exceed those expectations, at least for awhile, until they are ready to "rinse and repeat", devaluing and destroying their image of you and moving on to find someone new, someone untainted by their psychopathy, unburdened by an intimate knowlege of their inner landcape and core wound issues, someone they can, in essence, pretend to be normal with and for until that pleasant though ersatz facade is inevitably stripped away.

[@尼古拉斯-Nicholas]

Ah, the classic "reverse psychology by pretending you don't care" trick! It's like trying to catch a cat by ignoring it - suddenly, you're the most interesting thing in the room. Just remember, while this might work in the short term, you might end up with an avoidant person purring at your feet one moment and clawing at the curtains of your sanity the next. It's all fun and games until you realize you've adopted a feral cat with a PhD in ghosting.

[@auttathaway]

exactly my experience, while all I wanted to build trust

[@尼古拉斯-Nicholas]

@@auttathaway Exactly! It’s like wanting to build trust and getting handed a blueprint that only works if you’re great at assembling IKEA furniture-except, instead of furniture, it’s emotional connection, and the instructions are always missing!

[@marguskiis7711]

They just leave for good.

[@youtubeaccountserio2633]

There is only one way to beat an NPD, an Avoidant or a BPD, or anyone with personality disorders.. its NOT TO PLAY THE GAME, there is the block feature behind this. The first time around as much efforts as I did put in to the thing my avoidant girls said to me that she didn’t like me as much, whereas she just made the envoirement harsh on purpose by finding ANY even non existent mistake that I would make. And when she left it killed me, even the devaluation phase killed me, the second time she came back I understood the game and she was predictable asf and when she left I had nothing

[@MIMIDSH]

The ones I knew chose controlling, demanding partners (exactly what they sad they didn't want) who they new they would never "love", and often there wasn't much of a physical attraction. Demands, expectations, fights, arguments were the perfect roadblocks to maintain emotional distance and disconnect -- and that was their safe spot.

[@尼古拉斯-Nicholas]

Sounds like a plot twist straight out of a soap opera! They say they want peace and freedom, but then they go for partners who make dictators look laid-back. It's like their relationship preferences are sponsored by a reality TV show: "Love and Avoidance: The Drama Continues." Imagine them at a partner buffet: "Hmm, let's see. Oh, here's a peaceful, understanding partner... meh, too easy. Oh, here's a controlling, demanding one with a PhD in drama and a minor in chaos - perfect! I'll take a double serving of that, please." They thrive in emotional dodgeball, where demands and fights are the perfect excuse to never get too close. It's their version of a safety blanket, only this blanket is on fire and constantly yelling at them. So, if you ever feel like your life's too calm, just remember there's someone out there choosing chaos like it's the new black.

[@hollygF1M]

??? and then when they meet someone who isn't controlling and is empathetic, they can't maintain the relationship - because it is coming together?

[@尼古拉斯-Nicholas]

@@hollygF1M Exactly! When they finally meet someone who's not controlling and actually empathetic, it's like they're suddenly handed an IKEA relationship-perfectly designed but they can't figure out how to put it together. Turns out, emotional stability doesn’t come with an instruction manual!

[@MIMIDSH]

@@hollygF1M That's been my experience, personally and hearing from friends. It disregulates them. A loving, accepting partner is scary.

[@hollygF1M]

@@尼古拉斯-Nicholas very sad…

[@JohnGlen502]

Avoidants are gonna avoid until they heal. How many are on dating apps right now looking for hookups only?

[@JohnADuerk]

The FA I recently dated hung in there just long enough (five weeks) to get the intimacy she wanted and then cut me loose. Lesson learned.

[@EricaGoncalvesinbusiness]

With the last comment that is extremely true I have a best friend who is Secure and it made me realise how healthy and happy it is too be able to share feeling and have feelings shared. I believe I am a lot more secure. I wish the best for my Ex. He was sweet and he did realise his avoidant tendencies however he's happy how he is and it made me feel too lonely. If there's a christian or anyone who needs it. It's upsetting and really sad when your first doesn't work out but everything will be okay.

[@mag-of5cd]

This is so interesting and well presented. It explains the frequency of finding avoidant-anxious coupling; they feed into each other's needs but also are unattractive to a secure person. The irony being that either attachment style can benefit from being with a secure person who may, in turn, help them develop towards becoming more secure as well.

[@尼古拉斯-Nicholas]

It's like we're the perfect storm of emotional chaos! Avoidant and anxious together is a rollercoaster-thrilling but often nauseating. The real irony? We need a secure person to help us calm the ride, but we're too busy running away or clinging on for dear life to notice them.

[@letsdomath1750]

They don't need to be in a direct relationship with a secure person. Plenty of secure people exist, and they can be friends and acquaintances. You can intentionally study them in less romantically/physically intimate interactions with full awareness and start to notice how they relate with others. Then, you can start emulating that and making it your own.

[@gatorssbm]

​@@letsdomath1750Yup exactly this, both my partner and I had avoidant tendencies but once I started looking into why it happens we slowly learned to try and express our frustrations and be a bit more vulnerable over time. Eventually with time trust grows stronger and I feel now we more resemble someone secure with how consistent weve finally gotten. Never thought someone who had so much baggage would help me also discard mine, granted once that 3 month grace period was over it was rough for awhile.

[@smokingcrab2290]

If you get your relationship needs met, you will be secure. Avoids ts just don't want to meet anyones needs

[@anneyoung2310]

Run!!! Equally toxic to the narcissist! Find someone who is as healthy as you are. Practice beautiful communication, healthy bonding and mutual support and commitment.

[@ashton1952]

Narc is worse because of the way they play with a person's mind, causing cognitive dissonance, etc. But it can def set the victim up for getting involved with a DA next. You see the difference though. DA can hurt worse because they are genuine people and you can't sense that something's off. They don't hurt people intentionally though. That's those disorders.

[@ashton1952]

Just know your boundaries, DA up against that, will have to change themselves or go elsewhere

[@Lovewarrior108]

This is precisely what I am experiencing. After watching this , I can confidently say I am a secure partner . Having to be grounded and games the bigger picture. I would question why I was getting anxious but as you said certain dynamics from my childhood were being triggered I have to be honest and responsive rather than reactive. 🎉🎉🎉 Kudos to everyone working on themselves , it is not for the faint

[@gigglecompass1]

Shame on you, Chris, for the clickbait title. The truth starts at 15:58. When you become secure, you no longer seek the attention of an avoidant.

[@AimeeLiz]

@@gigglecompass1 I agree! It's kind of annoying that he has to stoop to clickbait tactics to get our attention. Many of us would probably be more inclined to click if the title was a more accurate snapshot of the content. The realisation he went the click bait route makes me feel as though he underestimates the intelligence of his viewers. We deserve more credit than that.

[@gigglecompass1]

@@AimeeLiz 💯!

[@smokingcrab2290]

And you become secure by dumping them and finding someone who isn't avoidant

[@ac8762]

Yeah but, he sold you on what you want and gave you what you need.

[@rosemay14]

that was amazing! get healthy and more securly attached and attract a healthier guy. Attachment is on a spectrum.

[@powerhuffandpuff6479]

You’re literally incredible at breaking this stuff down

[@kellybrooks347]

This is a great video. I am an avoidant and am currently seeing an avoidant. It's a struggle because we are both fiercely independent but I understand and appreciate. The fact we have agreed to see each other in our "pocket world" makes me feel secure in the situation.

[@vickyferreira3259]

OMG!!! THIS IS INSANE!!!!! 😭 I just want to love and be loved!!! Share my life with someone!! Why do I keep finding and falling in love with these avoidants!!!!😭

[@angiedee2722]

Babe is not you. Is the dating pool out there. Take your time getting to know someone. People can’t hide who they are longer than 3-6 months. Although sometimes you never get to know the real them. But anyways, take it easy don’t be so hard on yourself.

[@goingrogue6923]

Interesting video for sure! I and my partner are both fearful avoidant fluctuating back and forth between anxious and dismissive. The thing is, we are each other's ONE and knew it immediately. Been together almost a year. At first it was bliss while we both masked. Then it got hard, and harder. But ~ we both met at transformative times and have worked hard at communicating and improving our weaknesses individually and together. I just thought I'd share bcuz you said why do avoidant ppl end up with FAs. Well, we have much to learn from one another. It just so happens my FA and I are on a see saw of emotional exchanges, spurring each other on to Better Love

[@kurious_me]

Im male intj, used to be avoidant in my relationships BUT recently i dont know how i find myself in a relationship with a female entj , she was horribly avoidant, much severe than i was and as a result she turned me into an axious partner

[@jayfinlay9585]

Happened to me too

[@laizerwoolf]

so it's apparently true, avoidant is attracted to a more avoidant partner.

[@MzNoir_Rain444]

I have a pretty secure personality type when it comes to relationships and I started dating an anxious avoidant. This weekend he’s become distant and the more I learn about this personality type, the more I’m becoming less attracted to him. I’m seeking a solid, emotionally stable partner who can express when they need some “me time”.

[@homiekeen23]

That's good that you're open to that. It helps a lot. I'm an avoidant and had two friends, one secure one anxious. The secure brought the best in me although I struggled a lot at first, but I was ready to work on myself. The anxious friend just brought the worst in me. It was disastrous, because they had an unhealthy attachment as well, and when I tried once to ask for a little "me time" as you put it, they just saw that as a personal attack. Of course friendships and romantic relationships are different, but just these experiences taught me a lot

[@solutions4tenants141]

Chris I am an INFJ-type A… I’ve been following you for about a year and due to realizing how much psychological work it takes to be in a relationship with an avoidant, I am just over it and I am learning to be more avoidant myself. Incidentally, my avoidant two ex boyfriends are hovering… calling to find out if I am still alive (cuz I don’t do social media) They both have narcissistic tendencies and definitely avoidant… both INTJ’s. I am loosing my interest for working to twist myself into a pretzel to figure them out and help the relationship success since it’s been me doing the emotional heavy lifting and psychological learning and they have no interest in learning about relationships. Your channel has helped me to grow and learn that I really just don’t t want to work that hard in a relationship ever again. Thank you !

[@norswil8763]

Hmmm, avoidant attacher wanting another avoidant attacher, I’ve heard people say it can work well. But mostly, these dynamics fail because as we all know that avoidant attachers actually do want closeness and intimacy, even though in wrong douses it scares them away. But this is exactly why they are attracted to anxious leaning people, they love the love, then they don’t in the same way once investment is required later.

[@dynamic_being]

It’s called staying in control. You can’t be in control if your with another avoidant person in a relationship

[@teraedwards7835]

Holy... sh*t. This is explains why, when we played Valorant (a tactical, team-based First Person Shooting game) together, he was more open and receptive and vulnerable but without it... things kind of shut down emotionally. We did talk about my ex's avoidance and he shared his own feelings. Thank you for this insight. I've done a lot of my own research on avoidance (read Attachment myself, even) but I hadn't made that connection until now. Valorant was our "pocket world". and right now, while he's pretending i don't exist, i can see he stopped playing any other game but this one. while we were together, he played many different games. now, he lives on only one.

[@peterwilliams6361]

A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient

[@GregMunro]

There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

[@peterwilliams6361]

Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white..

[@GregMunro]

This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.

[@peterwilliams6361]

You wont regret it

[@angelm6497]

@@peterwilliams6361 Yeah, sadly I tried everything, marriage and other counselling, giving space, time support and a positive environment, only to be trampled on at every stage. Trust me, I married for life otherwise I would not have married, but I married an illusion and a liar. I told myself that marriage wasn't supposed to be all glittery and fun times, that we had to work at it. I ended up settling, telling myself it was better for my son. That bit me in the ass! But marriage is not supposed to be all give from one partner and all take from another. Of course, each will have their strengths and weaknesses; I guess one needs to ask, who's always pulling the weight? Who's always creating the drama? Who's always cleaning up the mess and the fallout?

[@cspace1234nz]

Avoid avoiders at all costs if you want to avoid miesery and suffering.

[@mbrewer421]

I'm an INFJ and anxious attacher involved with an avoidant. It's so emotionally painful.

[@srijeetasaha3865]

Leave, please It will hurt less eventually

[@shinebrightandglow]

Same here and yes it’s really hard

[@mbrewer421]

@srijeetasaha3865 I've been working towards leaving for awhile. Something snapped in me a few months ago where I felt less love for him. People can only hurt you for so long before you stop loving them. And once I learned about being an anxious attacher it made so much sense. I was desperate for him to stay not because he was so special, but because I was being triggered of my fear of abandonment. Once I could separate the 2 things, I felt stronger and in more control. If he doesn't work on his DA behaviors I'm leaving. He has a very short window because I'm ready to move on.

[@srijeetasaha3865]

@@mbrewer421 you cannot make him change unless he wants to do it voluntarily. So please spare yourself some time and dignity. Refocus all the energy on yourself and become the best version of you.

[@mbrewer421]

@@srijeetasaha3865 Thank you 😊 🙏

[@Amethysts_moon]

INFJ here, don’t want an avoidant

[@SoCalRegisteredNurse]

Same and same. I had one and broke it off. I don’t want to have to guess how someone feels about me

[@suupremis]

Also an INFJ and I was dealing with an avoidant INFJ man. I’m secure so it fell all the way off.

[@rarecoral212]

We attract avoidants and narcissists opposite attracts

[@bkzwolf]

Unfortunately I'm real drawn to one rn. And I hate it

[@MagdalenaH]

👀

[@sallycollins8044]

What a great video! I would think these concepts might be truly helpful for avoidant people to understand themselves better. Because we can't always articulate these kinds of conflicting feelings. When I see these other comments, many of them still are stuck on how bad it feels to be on the other side of this behavior, the recipient of the avoidant confusion. And I know it does. But isn't it helpful to accept people as they are, with their issues and position them accordingly. I feel like avoidants have their healing work cut out for them. It's not easy. No external person can do it for them. And I think we forget that people are not like homes on HGTV. We can't just renovate them to fit our needs. If it hurts so much to be with one, why aren't we asking ourselves, why do I put myself through this? Am I also avoiding something by choosing to be with the avoidant? Thanks Chris... Such a thought provoking vid.

[@katrinabernal4271]

Your last question is exactly what I ask myself because I say I want an actual full relationship, but then settle for Avoidant types. I like the space being with an Avoidant provides. I'm a busy person and don't have a lot of time to cater to a relationship- or so I tell myself. I'm a Secure (mostly) but have moments of Anxious/Avoidant mixed in (but minimally). I'm in my early 50s and can now recognize how my past partners were always DAs so that I could have the space I needed to also do what I wanted. I don't like to be suffocated in a relationship as I was in an abusive one when I was much younger and he was Anxious but mean. Never want to go back to being "trapped" like it was with him. Avoidants like space to be "dismissive" lol and being Secure, I get that. But now that I'm older and have had time to reflect on my lack of a real kind and loving partner for years, I see that I need more. Time to move on as Avoidants will always go back to being EXACTLY that- a person who does not want commitment or emotional intimacy.

[@iamlauravonn]

I am so happy I found this page!

[@cicichambers3887]

You nailed it about re-creating the trauma that they experienced in the past because that's the only environment that they know how to function in They don't know what it feels like to allow themselves to be secure even one step at a time so they keep creating the chaos because they learned how to navigate that labyrinth ironically the inner child that was broken doesn't even want to be in the labyrinth and wants to get out and wants to be safe with the Person who inflicted the damage in the first place They intentionally put themselves back in the bad dream of chaos

[@lindamolyneux3536]

So sad

[@ShopgirlNY182]

So let me get this straight- they want connection but don’t want connection.

[@Goddessoftarot216]

This is really good 👍🏾 No one ever discusses Myers Briggs

[@letsdomath1750]

12:55 A pocket world? They want a fantasy world with an escort, lol. That's a deeply wounded condition.

[@emilyliu185]

I’m so happy I came across your videos, I finally was able to figure out what was happening in my own situation and really gives peace of mind.

[@marketrooper6473]

Just had to congratulate you on the quality of your videos.. seriously well done 👏👏

[@DontDishItOutIfYouCantTakeIt]

This is the most in-depth and informative video you have ever done.

[@emmaboyett8667]

Give them a puzzle to do and talk to them about marriage 😂

[@尼古拉斯-Nicholas]

Sure, nothing says "let’s talk about marriage" like handing someone a 1,000-piece puzzle and saying, “We need to see how well we can fit together before we discuss our future!” If they can handle the puzzle without getting overwhelmed, then maybe they’re ready for the real commitment!

[@angelaanderson8247]

😂😂😂😂

[@emmaboyett8667]

@@尼古拉斯-Nicholas thats what he suggested in the video.

[@achernev]

Give them the puzzle to make and run away 😂

[@777-h6n]

😂

[@davevail4138]

No thanks, one time, last time. Run

[@thomasodenkirk6444]

I'm an anxious preoccupied, and have started to change how I interact with my avoidant boyfriend. And acting more like an avoidant has completely turned his world upside down. It's made him want to be with me more and desire me more. I can tell he has gone from wanting to break up to wanting to be with me alot more..avoidants have the craziest minds out there. It's wild

[@Eddybo22]

It's crazy that you have to even do that just to get them to react to you. Ultimately I am in the same situation as well. I have to turn off that tap and let her starve out and see how things go. I will just end up working on myself and go from there.

[@thomasodenkirk6444]

@Eddybo22 I went through it. I reccomend you don't reach out to her first majority of time,give a lot of space and try and keep things relaxed and low stress. If she likes you she will reach out to you. If you give her space and she doesn't reach out ag all thing probably are over or close to it..but I wish you the best! Keep your mind strong as avoidants can definitely cause doubt amd insecurities within yourself

[@Eddybo22]

@thomasodenkirk6444 thanks for the advice. I am two years in and so far I failed to do that unsuccessfully when things have blown up but I will definitely put that to practice now. It's going to take a strong effort but I am ready for it.

[@thomasodenkirk6444]

@Eddybo22 good things is,2 years is a long time for an avoidant. That's a good sign she is still around

[@Eddybo22]

@thomasodenkirk6444 this is true. We battled alot in the first year but we made it through, technically this is the beginning of year three. Learning about all these styles of attachment really opened up my eyes and how to better understand her. The push-pull dynamic is a tough one to navigate I am grateful for journey as I have learned a lot about myself as well. Coming across your comments also have me more encouragement to make it through. I know majority of the feedback online is that avoidants aren't worth the hassle but the truth is everyone deserves someone. As long as I can improve myself as time goes on and she improves as well, then we shall be better and it will work.

[@petitcoeur-q6r]

Pretty much ignore them. They hate it when you show them any affection or any semblance of connection to them. In effect leave then alone. Don’t beg for them - they don’t want us - they ghosted and discarded us. It’s a waste of our energy that could be focused on ourselves and others that actually will reciprocate love back to us. Initially I felt awful and sad, still do sometimes - but think of the ways they dismissed you in the relationship. For example, the way they shut you down when you expressed your emotions and how you felt about something, gaslighting to make you question if they really did something when they did, ignoring you when you’re trying to make a connection with them, having to initiate conversations most of the time. They may want to come back with you and say they regret leaving in the first place but don’t be fooled - they will do it to you again.

[@francescocalemma]

Yes videos on empowering ourselves will be more helpful and not become avoidant ouselves. I’ve had too many of these types and I’d say they need a soul retrieval.

[@joannegild8001]

My avoidant partner is an ISTJ (NOT INTJ). I broke up with him twice, early on. Both times, he asked if we could talk, the second time after I had been happily living my life for 2 weeks. It’s been good now for 2 years.

[@tifluvsu80]

He came back? After how long?

[@82Birdie]

background music too overstimulating but very good information

[@spiritofhonuguidanceforlife]

It's sad that all these channels make avoidants out to be villains. I am anxious, my man is avoidant. We recently took it back down to friendship because he is still healing from the loss of his mom and many other heavy things going on in his life. I tried to walk away completely, but my spirit said this is not the answer because their is genuine authentic love between us. So i took a risk and showed him videos about attachment styles. It was eye opening for him and he realized why he has been struggling with letting me in. We agreed to hit restart on our connection and to work WITH eachother to heal and move towards secure attachment. Not everyone will fall into these neat little categories. Humans are multi dimensional, multi layered, complex creatures. Each person and each situation is different and unique. We ALL deserve love and healing. ❤

[@soldout2866]

Wow as much as i am hurt by my recent breakup, now I understood what needs to be done not to get her back.. but for myself mainly. Thank you for this

[@CarolinaUscanga]

What a great video !! And is all true I that I wanted him but eventually I found out who he was and I lost attraction for him. I am a sigma female and I found him weak afterwords bc the lack of him not being able to open up. The pull back and forth became such a waste of time and energy for me I am happy now.

[@lesiokM]

Become more secure and you’ll never look back for your avoidant partner

[@tofuluvrr837]

people like to lean back on their childhood too much. my parents were absent, mean, some would say abusive, mentally ill. i still have a secure attachment style. i still made friends as a child.

[@stepheno9569]

Probably you're best video to date. You're getting deep into this, keep going.

[@jlady1595]

Chris…. It can be difficult to see someone’s attachment style in the initial dating stage. Any tips on picking up on indirect cues, of an avoidant attacher, early on?

[@chickenpop1666]

make partner do the simple attachment test. when lovers do the love test things(like mbti, love language, etc)

[@josieortega]

Ask emotional questions about hopes, fears, dreams. What they learned about their role in their previous relationships. When they last cried…etc. Observe if they feel uncomfortable, if they give you surface level answers or if they change the topics quickly.

[@MadMakerWorkshop]

As INTJ (and analytical as hell) and FA who is doing the dance with a DA(INFP) that I am definitely not in a relationship with while trying to be more secure... I have no clue if this will go anywhere but as a relationship to learn and grow in, it in it's own twisted way... it works. We clash when my anxious behaviors surface at his avoidance, we both react by deactivating because we both need distance to process and then end up somehow connecting again when I find my boundaries and manage to put them down clearly so he understands what the expectation is.

[@KarlaReyes-oo5do]

There is a misunderstanding of INTJs and even the sigma types. These types are straightforward and blunt, if something doesn't work for them they will directly address it. I’m an INTJ female, very securely attached with strong boundaries. Have met multiple “INTJs” males who don’t understand avoidance is a form of lacking emotional control and not stoicism.

[@LynL-v7o]

Thank you so much for all of your videos! I always look forward to learning something new and more in depth about this. I’ve learned so much about myself and all the ex-partners I’ve attracted and was attracted to in the past because of you and finally got answers to so many questions particularly “what the eff is wrong with me?!”You’re the best presenter and most informative, accurate and knowledgeable educator when it comes to avoidants. I cannot thank you enough for sharing everything you know and guiding those who have yet to discover their shadows or big egos. I’m so grateful to learn more! ❤

[@ej5284]

I’m a secure attachment person, and avoidants make me feel anxious which makes me feel like I’m crazy. Then I realize that a healthy individual would be secure enough to open up emotionally nor make intimacy such a difficult ask. Yuck. I feel sorry for them, but I’m staying waaaays away.

[@craiginfanger5779]

Wow, one of the very best relationship/dating/break up videos ever. It happens to be just what I needed to hear, at this exact moment it time. What a blessing, thank you for creating this video. 🙏🙏🙏

[@wizardofaus2985]

So avoidants are unlovable effectively? You either be and remein like them and have no love other than self love- or you level up and realise you don't need that neglect at all. Either way, invested partners or sposes of avoidants lose out.

[@ireneirene5476]

i adore this channel ❤️

[@miyawinn623]

Great video. Thank you for making it and sharing, Chris

[@TheTropics4]

Wow! Just watching this video wore me out! It's a great explanation and it helps me understand my avoidant ex bf who was claiming his deep love for me, made promises & plans with me. He even talked about marriage. Then within 24 hrs he's saying he doesn't want a relationship with me now or ever! However, the tactics you explain are good, but it's ALL about him! What about what I need? If he comes back wanting to start over, I will insist on couples counseling or I won't do it. My heart has been broken and it's been very painful. 😢

[@juliebergum8308]

Thank you so much for these videos, I’m learning so much about myself. I have been studying this for a few years now but these 2 videos have really absorbed 🎊 🛎️

[@nadine6840]

Excellent video ! Well constructed and researched and presented.

[@ajmosutra7667]

I used to hate this video, but after my break up, it helps with understanding what happened in my relationship

[@gmp6859]

The background music on these videos make you feel sorry for them! Great content Chris! Thank you for you perspective, it really helps understand the avoidant

[@JL-uu1id]

Your videos are always so well thought out and insightful. Great work

[@bebecollins9414]

What I find disturbing is that our focus on the person being “wrong” is the avoidant, but isn’t it just as unhealthy to put the responsibility for your happiness on someone else? If you’re focused on making someone else beg for your attention or make you happy- you’ll always come up short.

[@kiymomesampson3744]

Omg this is the best one...I understand a little better

[@naserdeen8210]

If the avoidant dose not find a psycho analysts who is knowledgable about attachment theory and they do the work actually the internal hard work and change forget about it. Run.😂❤😅

[@尼古拉斯-Nicholas]

Absolutely! It's like expecting a cat to learn ballet - sure, they might try, but it's not likely to end well. If an avoidant hasn’t found a psychoanalyst who can navigate the treacherous waters of attachment theory and is actually putting in the hard work, it's like hoping a tornado will suddenly become a gentle breeze. So if they’re not willing to wade through the emotional muck with a professional who knows their stuff, it’s time to grab your popcorn and watch from a safe distance. Or better yet, start planning your escape route because waiting for them to change without the right help is like waiting for a snowstorm in July.

[@jlady1595]

I really enjoy your videos. Super informative and thought provoking

[@ipaycloseattention]

Yep, a secure person won't put up with somebody who doesn't show up in a relationship.

[@eaglespiritradio6009]

The material on this channel is so amazing… Thank you for putting this information out! I always learn a lot. ❤

[@nabihabukharizeeshan9760]

Isn’t being avoidant a sort of narcissism where only they r ones taking from the relationship while the partner is tiptoeing around them just to appease them and make them comfortable?

[@PotentialEnergy1]

Exactly 👍

[@marjoriemartinez9973]

Avoid Avoid Avoid THEM!!!!

[@ac8762]

That was a great video, so basically you are saying, either way, let them go.

[@imperialgrind3128]

FOH. just call them on their bull shit, provide information and recommend a therapist. wtf has this amount of time to psychoanalyze someone, when all you want is companionship

[@尼古拉斯-Nicholas]

Seriously, who's got time for amateur hour psychoanalysis? If I wanted a therapist, I'd ask for a referral, not a date!🤣

[@imperialgrind3128]

@@尼古拉斯-Nicholas 🤣🤣🤣

[@taleandclawrock2606]

This. If they have no self awareness or emotional insight, and not prepared to discuss or work on healthy relationship attachment, dont bother, you will be frustrated, lonely, hurt and damaged long term.

[@etiquetteconnoisseur6184]

Awesome information. Thank you.

[@lisaortiz6807]

I'm an ESTJ anxious avoidant female who just ended a four year relationship for the fourth time with an ISTJ anxious avoidant man. I've always known we both have abandonment issues. The break ups help us appreciate each other better because we both desperately miss each other and just break up when we're both feeling smothered.

[@lavieenasmr1817]

Graphics are stunning. Who’s the artist?

[@kahventi]

pretty sure they're all ai

[@benwalzak7440]

Absolutely phenomenal video ! Thank you!!!

[@KatieW210]

Thank you, very thorough, and it helps me to understand what on earth happened with my ex. By answering my questions you're helping me find closure and to protect myself should he come back. Thanks a mill 👍

[@hokusei90]

I could never date an advodant person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and need space for my emotions. Honesty and emotional intimacy is paramount.

[@dawnmichelle6185]

Deep. Very true. Love how you dive into this topic, and deliver!!!!!