Get Her Back 101: How Long It REALLY Takes

[@rob9368]

I’m a week and a half into this journey. I had let myself get depressed and been jobless and my wife left. I’ve been without her for a week and a half into a month separation she asked for. I’ve picked up 2 jobs and have been improving myself a lot. It gets easier every day without her now.

[@thescramble4309]

Same here . Except mine wants a divorce. I’m completely devastated.

[@-l-segret9554]

@@thescramble4309 i hope you will get better brother, stay safe!

[@WALTERKEDZIORA]

YOU ARE A MASTER OF THIS!!!!!!! I will watch all your Videos and I know I will Get My WIFE BACK!!!!!

[@stefanbjornberg9265]

There will always be ups and downs. But if you can face the downs in a different way you have better chance. Yesterday was the first real kiss again after 10 months and a lot of hard work. I also got: I’m proud of you how you handled that situation. Keep up the work guys! It takes 100% commitment, from both sides 🙂 Thanks Geoff for getting me started in this journey 🙏🙂

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

As I always say, we are learning to be farmers, putting in the work, making massive changes, being patient to let the seeds grow, and building safety. The mistake most people make is being hunters and blaming and getting frustrated because they are not getting the results they expect, destroying safety. Which one of those do you think your partner will feel safe spending their one and only life with?

[@biersmorgen6609]

I'm hunting and said I'll just find someone else that confirms her bias

[@scotthockers]

How do you simultaneously untether and keep hope? That's my biggest struggle right now. "Let go, without really letting go."

[@StevoSparta-tt5vu]

The valleys are rough. Broke up new years, I live the changes (literally with everyone I meet), we then had more conversation after which she opened up, then she took a step back, opened back up, stepped back again. Each time she opens more and I can see how she talks more about her job and her days but the retreat is…rough. Not for me but because I feel for her and the anxiety she must feel of me just going back to the old me. Thanks for content, it isn’t something that can or should be timed. It is best for people to just focus on changing themselves and the results will come as the changes are permanent and believable

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Exactly, rebuilding trust is something that will take time and a ton of effort. You build trust through time and consistent safety. The only way to make changes believable is to make them massive and permanent. :)

[@biersmorgen6609]

I'm fucked

[@4EverEvolving1]

I've been on a similar journey since New Year's as well. She left me after 24 years. I've leaned so so much. I've also learned that the majority of the issues in the relationship were created by me. Even coming to this conclusion is rough. However, I've been working on myself and she does notice the changes. She also verbalizes that she is afraid that things will go back to how they were or that I will stop. 😔 It's rough most days for me but I'm more sick and tired of f_cking up relationships and hurting people, especially those I love. I've never been shy of working hard and I think of it also as an investment in myself. I will get there one day.

[@taylorbee4010]

Avoidant

[@S1lverspike]

I’m living this with my separated wife of 6 months. Last month we had worked up to actually talking about getting back together. Now I haven’t changed in anything but a positive way and she told me she’s going to file for divorce in the next few months. I don’t believe her and I know she’s watching me like a hawk while she’s giving me no hope or any signs. I’m staying consistent showing up from our daughter. I know in my heart she’ll be back but I’m not concerned about her process or being tethered to her emotions anymore I am because I am not I am because I want to have. I’ve noticed her starting to reach out to me and seek attention from me again as I’m giving her space. I’m polite and friendly but untethered from her emotions. Where I messed up is accepted breadcrumbs. No more.

[@DannyMartin3z]

I’m racking my brain trying to figure out how to create opportunity to demonstrate change. Our worlds mostly split up when we broke up. She blocked me and I struggle to find overlap in our lives. It’s only been a couple months so I can’t pretend to be a different man. But I have made a lot of changes. I’m working on communication. I’ve started therapy to understand the wounds that block vulnerability. I’ve read books to understand the differences between men and women. Honestly I love this person i would love to be part of her life in any capacity. We had 8 years that were good (from my side at least) but with un-met needs on both side. She wanted vulnerability but because I didn’t communicate my needs I was shut off. I just want to experience being with her in an accessible, open emotional connection, even if that’s just as friends. I am enjoying the growth and it will help me regardless of what happens. I’m not worried about how long it takes. We were together a long time. I can’t take away years of neglect with a couple words. But Id love nothing more than to show her how precious she is to me and to reciprocate all that she’s done for me.

[@reigarces]

You got this bro. Let me know how’s it been going!

[@geeforbimbo]

Damn bro..I just broke up because I never told her how I really felt. Lied about not wanting marriage or kids anymore because I was too scared to say yes. I was scared because I didn’t work on myself and was scared to ruin a second marriage because I didn’t work on myself yet..let me know how you are doing bro.

[@oil_tx2544]

I just found your page 3 days ago and man your info is great my wife of 20 years just left and I’m trying to get her back for me and my kids I pray I can use these tools to make me better for myself and her to make are relationship better

[@lm_1018]

she broke up with me but I want to change for the better for her she said I don’t want anything with you in the near future, but I want her in my life. Because I’m willing to wait, but I want to change for myself I don’t care the time as long as she’s in my life.

[@jamesrandolph5548]

I’m in the same situation and it’s a yr n half for me but she has the house that I pay all the bills for and I don’t live in it but I can come and go..

[@vladsciencedrums]

Don’t wait. Live life for yourself. So what happened?

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Hey guys hope this was helpful! Leave me a comment with your thoughts? Be sure to check out my brand new masterclass on the 5 Proven Steps to Rebuilding Your Relationship/Marriage. (Warning: Spots are limited) Here is the link to the MASTERCLASS! -> urlgeni.us/MCEP144DS Download the FREE GUIDE! -> relationshipsmastered.com/healing-partner-emotions To see how all my clients have achieved massive success through dire & hopeless circumstances, click here! kzbin.info/aero/PLQ8tvyhQlPzsNm-vC_g_8SWGcJRngefgU

[@alecmcd8536]

Great video Geoff, I am in the middle of building the emotional and psychological safety in my relationship. We have been having dips but thanks to your teachings I have been able to turn these negatives into positives. Last night the negative ended up turning into a 5 hour conversation where we were able to discuss all sorts of growth topics, our relationship, and even her new partner who is no longer in the picture. While we are still separated and have lots to work through, we are now able to talk about these things on a deep level. As always thanks Geoff, and as he stated the KZbin rought requires you as an individual to learn how to become a performer without coaching, and leaves lots to figure out(and infer) on your own. (I have had lots of failures to get to where I am now.) Even so, I still want to join the program once I can save up enough to pay the fee, because I know there is still allot more to learn.

[@imagegotbeats]

I keep telling you all that my brother Geoffrey is the Goat!!! 💯

[@lukeleonardrasmussen3550]

He knows his shit. I love his videos

[@connecticut730]

@GeoffreySetiawan you are spot on. I've had good moments and just hit a bad pullback. Wife filed in Sept after 12 years, because I didn't see her pain. Had an amazing time over xmas and then a pull back this week, where she shared... The past is done, the experiences, the feelings, the trauma, all of the damage and destruction to the marriage, the relationship all of it is the past and cannot be undone or speaking affirming words doesn't change any of that, its only self-preservation for you and very infuriating for me. I'm doing my very best to remain in a place of compassion for our son and my well being sake and be respectful, courteous and kind to you as a friend, so i really hope you can be in the present and respect that... How do we take the emotionally committed wife and show her a better person? I get I need to work on me and to rebuild emotional safety and learn to validate.. But do you guys really see emotional committed women shift back?

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

This is why we say, during the dips, you cannot just survive. You must thrive. You actually need to learn to see these types of tough truths differently. Change your paradigms. For me, when my partner (now wife) told me about these tough truths, I saw it as a good thing. I saw it as her having the courage to tell me the truth and as empowering for myself because now I know the problem. It’s the same thing now in my life with business and family. Knowing about how someone feels is a good thing. It takes a lot of courage for others to tell you like it is, and it actually empowers you a lot to know. You punishing and reacting badly doesn’t remove or change how people feel, it just pushes it underground. And it makes you more powerless because it leaves you unaware. For me now, I reward my wife, my employees and all around me when they tell me the tough truths. Knowing allows me to LEAD! And because I can lead, and because she knows I can take it, she can feel safe with me, and just like letting pressure out of a pot, nothing ever festers in our marriage. Myself and my clients are always amazed at what this type of thriving approach leads to, and how much this can change people’s behaviors. I mean, think about how you would feel if you told your boss bad news, and he takes it so well and spins it into a positive opportunity. I think you will respect him/her a lot more. I think that might even change your perspective of him/her. But imagine if every time you tell him bad news, you can tell he is holding on to those grudges. That would suck. I would not feel safe to express anything! I would feel angrier, and the boss would become more and more powerless and unaware, and misunderstandings brews, etc… I am making a video on what you are experiencing (what I call - allergy to resistance) in the next few videos. This is an important topic to get. Stay tuned.

[@connecticut730]

Guru level, sincere Thank You 🙏

[@erickgalietti6166]

Can you come back from crumbling during a dip?

[@lukeleonardrasmussen3550]

It's a good point you make about not asking "how long" because as you said on another video, asking that makes her think that you're not willing to change and that you HATE the changes. It only proves to her that you aren't serious

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Yes. You are getting it!

[@lukeleonardrasmussen3550]

@@GeoffreySetiawan she had initially given me six months. That "deadline" came and went. She said that she didn't feel that six months was "long enough". I THINK she MAY have been waiting for me to react like, how can you not see? But I'm like, OK. I am still gonna keep watching Geoffrey's videos, keep learning, keep applying...and the last time I saw her and the kids was the longest time we've spent together since our whole mess started. I like what I'm learning, and I ain't stopping.

[@aaronwilliamsiscool]

I used to study 100% of your videos countless times & after joining the program, it’s the very actual difference from 2D & 3D It’s an entirely different experience being inside the program Conceptual vs Experiencial

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Agreed, Aaron, and as you can attest, it takes operating at a very high level, a performer's mindset, to make the internal changes and to make them permanent. I am honored you have adopted this performer's mindset approach to the program. Keep rising, my guy!

[@aaronwilliamsiscool]

@@GeoffreySetiawanI have only 1 option to rise the mountain & beyond

[@rvest1]

This guy’s info is so good!

[@zacklim4215]

I am glad that i found your channel, you gave me a different insight on relationships. My situation is i dated this girl for just a month and we already had issues because she didn't trust me. She used to have this childhood trauma where dad left her mum when she was 8 years old and that impacted her perspective of man. I have tried countless times to prove that i am not cheating on her like showing my facebook conversation where she accused me of talking to someone on facebook messenger. She said she saw her dad in me, which to be honest i was really offended because i felt i had done nothing wrong. Even after the breakup we attended our night classes together as we were classmates attending a professional course, and she told me i was checking out other girls which i did not and i kinda cracked at her. At this point i not entirely sure if i want her back but a part time wanting her back. Any advice on how to get her to trust me and get her back when she is so closed off atm.

[@Anon-qp3kt]

Dude, at 1 month, you don’t really know her that well and vice versa. The first few months is just about listening and understanding. The game hasn’t even started for you bro

[@SkilzmanSwift]

I wish I saw these videos months ago..There was a huge dip and I wasn’t strong enough and now I’ve been served divorce papers and there is no contact

[@Luhmike400]

So she says she needs space from me to heal and get her mental together m, she says she can’t be with me right now because she doesn’t fully understand her feelings on weather she wants this relationship or not she’s drained from having these talks with me and there’s nothing I can do to make her feel better about her decision she wants to us to get financially stable and wants to be in a new place (environment wise) and she feels it’s not right to be here with her if she can’t handle her own emotions and that she can’t handle mine and be here for me how she should be because she’s not ready and not right in the head mentally. She still shares her location with me which I feel is a sign. Somebody lmk what they think

[@runout1013]

Did she reach out to you, my girl said she needs space…

[@Luhmike400]

@@runout1013 a lot has happened since then but recently she came bck realizing dat she has a lot to work on that she was the problem nd couldn’t see it after we broke up to fill the void of me she entertained a few guys but she came bck nd told me that it dosent feel the same and it’s draining her more than anything. Also she feels the environment she’s in right now is having a negative impact on both of us theirs no peace always something going on. I have broken no contact a couple times sense then badly but now we’re starting over the no contact. She says she dosent want me out here life completely but she can’t maintain a relationship rn because of everything that has been going on and she’s mentally not their

[@Luhmike400]

@@runout1013 so my best advice is to just work on yourself work run your money up workout skin care routine self reflect on where you messed up at and become a better man for yourself and her if she comes bck don’t sit around waiting if she feels like there’s better options. If she’s for you she’ll be bck

[@reigarces]

@@Luhmike400bro.. same here, except we’re married. We got married a year ago and she asked me to leave and went through everything you just said on our anniversary day last week. We’ve been together for 10 years, living together for 8 and married for one. I had to leave 200mi away. She still shares her location. She hasn’t sent me any divorce papers or contacted me in 5 days. If I post a story on social she watches it. I’ve refrained from posting on social for a day already and I’m also refraining from looking at any of her stories. Working on my self in all shapes ways and forms but.. yeah this is weird.. I just want her to know that I’ve already changed and learned so much in the last few days.. started seeing a therapist and everything.

[@beelikehoney]

this seems to make sense my wife has asked for divorce. I got the lawyer papers last week. I'm not bitter or angry but very sad. I'm trying to hide it. I'm working 100% with my wife to figure a solution at the moment. I don't think that we can reconcile unless i really change. I'm on board with the divorce know that I have a lot of issues I need to solve I know I have time. I think I'm gonna follow this program step-by-step. We'll see how it goes. Wish me luck.

[@Kate-v5t]

Good luck and all the best

[@beelikehoney]

@@Kate-v5t she has called off the divorce i am picking up my balls at her lawyers office asap im sure she has them hanging on the wall next to her diploma's somewhere. The key for me was learning to listen and not be defensive.

[@Legacy560]

My girlfriend of 3 almost 4 years left me a couple days ago and she said we weren’t compatible and we have different lifestyles, she wanted to stay friends at least or keep in contact every once in a while. She brought up a couple reasons as to why we wouldn’t work, I just don’t know if this is something I can fix following steps and videos like these. I was selfish and didn’t take her feelings into consideration. Is there a chance these videos can help with bringing us back together?

[@paugarciabcn]

How long should we stay in no contact before trying to approach again? What if she’s avoidant and wants no contact after 6 months?

[@SDSwampert]

Thank you for all of the great content, Geoffrey. I have a question that i havent heard addressed in any of your videos yet: what if your partner claims that her own personal changes have played a huge part in our split? She no longer follows the religion i follow, and has told me that she's been thinking about her sexuality. She's always identified as bi, but she told me that it's possible that she may just be gay. I'm still going to follow all the frameworks and everything to do all I can to improve myself and win her back no matter what, but should I take any different sort of approach? (I also want to clarify that I have taken full responsibility for what happened, and I've made it clear to her how much ive hurt her, and I don't want to do that anymore)

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

You answer this one. What you are saying is you and your partner have yet to align on several big topics in the relationship, and these topics are different than the other significant topics discussed in other interviews. Your question is, do you take a different approach to learning the skills and tools to build safety, create mutual admiration, and goal alignment? Does that make sense? You can answer your own question on this one. :)

[@SDSwampert]

@@GeoffreySetiawan thanks Geoffrey!

[@Eniclac]

I'm sorry, but she's emotionally unavailable, she has absolutely no self reflection, and regardless of how "good" I have become the last year+ and how much I'm still working with my self, this tactic isn't working, she is a quitter and hate to do the work emotionally. - but I'm gone now, I'll continue _my_ work, eventually I don't really want her back, but to my demise I still love her.

[@comradeking4427]

For how long have you been working?

[@peternotz4450]

You're falling for FAE my guy.

[@Eniclac]

​@@comradeking4427 My journey of self-improvement began 14 months ago. However, an event 7 months ago significantly intensified my efforts, even though it plunged me into a state of fear. Since then, I've been diligently working on recognizing and understanding my emotions as they surface, leading to a deeper connection with myself. This process has also heightened my awareness of both my progress and areas where I still need to grow. I won't lie, I'm a tough nut to crack, and change hasn't been easy. But over the last two months, I've started to see a general improvement in myself. To aid in this transformation, I've been working with professionals to shift my mindset, and it's been effective. On the other hand, it's been challenging to see that my wife hasn't made similar efforts. She never initiates conversations about personal growth or takes steps to improve herself. I understand that her upbringing taught her that expressing emotions and feelings was wrong, but it's still disheartening to witness this lack of personal development in our relationship. Despite these challenges, I remain committed to my journey and hope to inspire positive change around me.

[@Eniclac]

@@peternotz4450 I feel you think that I attacked the program by Greoffrey, I was not. But your observation isn't entirely off, 14 months ago I discovered that I was doing the pushing and I "wanted" her to do something and choose the bad option back then of trying to "force" her to do something but my inaction - which back then backfired like a wildfire, I learned my lesson.

[@bhello99]

my ex gf is in a new relationship looks like very much inlove with the new person and we are in no contact for almost 3 years now. Is this considered to be in the dip?

[@ahmedshah5922]

Geoffrey I have a question about the part where you discuss identity shifting . Let’s take the smoker example if the person goes around saying and thinking I’m not a smoker I’m not a smoker they’re still going to have urges to smoke due to it being an addiction for so long so if they relapse in between then won’t it be hard for them to make that identity shift since they would essentially know that they are lying to themselves . Our subconscious knows when we are lying to ourselves

[@CujohRamirez]

geoffrey, what should i do when she ghost me? it has been a month and a half, but she react and see my social medias but never want to talk to me directly, but she always upload things that indirectly related to me while she's with her monkeybranch affair, it has been 3 months since the break up. i am untethered from the result, whatever if she wanted to go back or not, it won't affect my changes. it just idk how to make her talk to me other than just ignore her back on social media with her indirect uploads, trying to make me jealous with her affair and all

[@geometrae4773]

how does one practice without being with their partner?

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Would a professional athlete ask how do you practice when not in a game or competition? Would you ask how do I practice when not with my partner? Or do you see working on the internal shifts as working on the mindsets within one's self? Would you see that building safety and navigating difficult conversations happens in all areas of life with everyone? Would you see that if I only practiced with my partner, this would not be who I am? I am only faking it when I am with them and not practicing these changes as my new self? Then, if I am answering all of these questions wrong, is it a shock my partner is not willing to surrender their life to me?

[@slicedbreadstudios6764]

What do you do during the dips?

[@Anon-qp3kt]

Work on yourself bro. Mentally

[@Anthony-mh3li]

I got my first second kiss about a month ago after 18 months of seperation, and now we haven’t spoken in three weeks. (We are still married) working on coming back from this one I need help though.

[@KenuDRoger]

But if i want to get her back and knowing she slept with someone else during our break. Is it worth it to go back? Or just forgive and outgrow the past? 2 days after our break she's chattng and calling guys on some dating app. And knowing about this its really concerning. What should i do?

[@cris-yo1950]

Im currently facing the same situation

[@ajtxrealtor1]

Gold🔥🔥🔥

[@marcoramos4873]

I know this is going to take time, but I feel like she’s in a rush to leave now. Do I just let her go then? You said it took you 3 years, were you two not together during those 3 years?

[@ngce]

Stop trying to control her. It’s not up to you whether she leaves or not. You still don’t understand the problem.

[@ngce]

You’re literally not listening to this video. Keep doing it your way and you’re going to lose her 100%

[@ngce]

19:30 my guy is you

[@krystleballantine5052]

Me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago but we still live together am I able to get her back

[@johnnycalderon9951]

After a month of useless conversation I'm done!! I just texted her please leave me alone I give up done with the random calls done with not seeing her done with just being a phone buddy she texted bck I love you I never texted bck

[@Anon-qp3kt]

Seems to me you’re not getting the key info

[@apolloyoung8653]

My question is this. My partner is back home now but as of now I am not allowed to sleep in the bedroom with her, have sex or kiss her on her lips, and I have to sleep on the couch. We do sit and watch movies together but she says she is not ready yet too let me back in fully. Advice please this is a 21 year relationship and we have a 9 year old and a 19 year old sons. I need this to work for them as well as us both.

[@Anon-qp3kt]

The simple answer is work on yourself bro, you already have one foot in the door

[@renaissanceman608]

what do i do if she's hooking up with someone right after she broke up with me? even though she says she still loves me.

[@Nuez234]

Well focus on your growth. Lean into understanding what she sees in the other person. Come from a place of understanding, get the necessary insight and be better than that by a massive margin.

[@thyz92]

You love yourself and walk away

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Do your partner's actions prevent you from making the needed changes that caused the breakup? If you didn't make the necessary changes to learn from previous mistakes, would you find yourself in another failed relationship? Don't you think these are the more relevant questions? The reason why people continue to fail is because they do not focus on the right things to learn from their failure, will you?

[@renaissanceman608]

@@GeoffreySetiawan I've done the self reflection and learnt from my mistakes and have been making the necessary changes to improve and make myself better. And I'm already seeing a huge difference in my relationships and communication with friends family and people. But it's difficult to get through to her right now.

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

So what you are saying is you are now 10x, not falling for the paradox of change, no longer tethered to the outcome, and have made your changes into a lifestyle; they are not only MASSIVE but are now PERMANENT regardless of the current outcome. You find it easy to break through resistance and plant seeds and have the patience to let the seeds grow, building massive amounts of safety. Or does it sound like you have made some improvements and made yourself better but still have a lot of work to do to learn to master the internal shifts, to untether, and create patience within yourself not to look and focus on the current outcome and blame your partner for making things difficult and when doing so subconsciously destroying safety? If you look at any of my client interviews that talk about massive changes and the amount of work and time it took for their partner to want to feel and surrender to their changes. They were okay with solely focusing on themselves and allowing their partner to make their own choice again, creating massive amounts of safety. You have to decide which of those two paths I place my effort and focus on. From there, that will dictate your outcomes.