Getting over him was the hardest thing I've ever done. September 4, 2024 - Video journal / diary

Raw video journal / diary. Transforming life crashing disaster into power.
If you are feeling down, let's support each other and go through these rough times together.
If you would like to support, please subscribe and share ❤️
/ tania_great_me

[@Zzsmuf]

I love the blue on you Having A Solid groove of a journey ✌️

[@Zzsmuf]

Hi there ❤

[@emmalastname4428]

that shade of blue looks nice on you, what you were saying reminded me of the song Chiquitita by ABBA

[@fragilefleur]

I’m saving this. Very profound extension of the scar analogy. I was thinking about it and how my therapist said you grieve in somewhat of a spiral and at first are revisiting the wound closely and intensely and each trigger or reminder comes fast and often and we don’t know how to cope with it. And as we loop around to revisit it over and over (whether we want to or not) we gain some experience of how we cope with the pain and how it went the past times, what worked to get us a little relief and over time we grow some distance and also many layers of understanding about this feeling of pain and how we individually cope with it. The process you speak of of dressing and caring for a wound is very similar and it got me thinking about actual physical scars and how when touching them by accident or intentionally they have a very different sensation to the rest of our skin and tissue. It is a combination in my own scar experience of being both sensitive and numb at the area of the scar. I don’t feel the pain that was once the wound but I do have a differing sensation on and near it. If translated to the psychological wound I would say it’s going to be expected to have an intense and very painful initial insult to the senses and then the surface heals but we become a bit more both sensitive and numb in that area. This makes me wonder if we experience these psychological triggers as actual brain scars or experience in how our neuro pathways work on that topic. I feel an affinity to this topic both for my own divorce pain but also my post traumatic stress syndrome issues. It’s a similar trigger in a way that can happen suddenly and unexpectedly and we have to have tools and understanding to cope and slowly learn to anticipate that yes we will have those triggers but that also we have skills to cope with them or even fast hurdle them in time when we are capable. I am being given medication for ptsd nightmares which are actually also a blood pressure treatment med so I assume opens up your blood vessels some. I get that when we are in distress even in daily life we get a construction of blood vessels and if in a chronic state of distress or too often, these vessel dilators will help. Makes sense then that exercise has helped you so much just walking a lot to open up your vessels and help the constrictive feeling decompress so to speak. Also I think that somatic exercises work really well as a practice and treatment for those big bad distressing trigger moments. I’ve been resistant to things like EMDR bc I didn’t feel like it would help me but I found an at home alone exercise that l could do on KZbin and it truly broke thru a huge wall of tension and at a peaked time of pain it allowed me to breathe , caused a ton of yawning and a weirdly natural release of that tension. I will send it to you but for anyone else interested its a somatic eye exercise and weirdly works at least for me and I am very resistant to woo woo and also body and touch type fixes. I get highly overstimulated with people I don’t know dealing with my health and body in any capacity and it triggers my body to go on high alert. When I had my tonsils out, I had a mega ton of pain meds in the hospital but was awake the entire 24 hours post op bc I couldn’t relax. I could sit still and pain was managed but just being in the hospital and having strangers caring for me was enough to make me awake even when super medicated. It was very weird to experience. I know now my body and mind were massively trauma triggered but at the time I was too out of it to assess why I wasn’t sleeping. Nurses came in and kept asking me why I’m not sleeping. Lol. I was just like hm I dunno. Lol I had headphones on to drown out the hospital noises and was listening to what makes me relax normally but no sleep was happening. I didn’t sleep most of the next day when I got home with new caregiver either and realized how important it is for me to know and trust a person in my life now for me to relax and not have my body go into automatic fight or flight mode. Weird stuff this trauma and grief. I find it fascinating from an examining it perspective and miserable when living it. Luckily in down times I can reflect and work on more skills and tools as you are. There’s a huge sense of breakthrough when you realize some past painful wound is heard or mostly healed so that you can touch it and not hit the ceiling in pain. I’m super happy for you that you have this improvement. ❤

[@TANIAfm]

@@fragilefleur sending you a huge hug from the East Coast, Amy 🫂🫂🫂

[@fragilefleur]

Vagal nerve eye exercise. Try it in relation to your pain also. I found last nights thing about headaches and cold to be interesting and wonder if your vagal nerve was triggered. When my relationship was at its worst I literally kept feeling like my glands in my armpits were inflamed. It was scaring me bc I had endometrial cancer before. Soo the pain was gone with the bad marriage. Imagine that. You may want to check in with a chiropractor also for adjustments to your spine and see if some PT might be in order.

[@TANIAfm]

@@fragilefleur thank you! I’ve never heard of it

[@ManifestingHotStuff]

I so hope I can get there too. My 12 year marriage ended with the good ole, I love you but am not in love with you. That was a whole year ago. I am in the exact same spot I was then. I just cannot pull out of this nosedive. It seems I can't right the ship. I know one thing, it seems it's impossible for the body to run out of tears 💙

[@TANIAfm]

@@ManifestingHotStuff I’m so sorry. Sending you a huge hug 🫂. What really helped me when I was at my lowest was a thought that all I should do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. That’s it - breathe in and breathe out and put one foot in front of the other. And that everyone processes at their own pace - accept yours and don’t keep emotions stuck in your body - let the tears run as much as you need. They are purifying you. A friend wrote to me that sometimes it takes one year to process every five years of relationship after the split. So, technically you are almost half way through. All I’m trying to say is that it’s absolutely normal to feel what you’re feeling now, but I very much hope that it won’t take as much time from because everyone deserves to be loved and happy ♥️♥️♥️

[@ManifestingHotStuff]

@@TANIAfm 💙

[@ajcrum3689]

you make me nervous walking at night all over New York . please keep some mace on you just incase .