Hard To Look At Private Photos

[@mrca2004]

Exactly, my favorite photo in 65 years of photography was a make a wish 13 yr old boy, dying of brain cancer. No volunteers wanted the shoot, most wanted to shoot cute babies, so I took it as an homage to a friend who recently had brain cancer. The boy was comped dinners and game ticket for him and 30 of his family. He couldn't keep down his meal because of the chemo so went out to the game floor with his mother. I followed staying out of sight getting wonderful candid shots. His mother held up a plastic tennis bracelet he had won instead of tickets and i realized since he had cancer since age 5, this was probably the first and last gift he had earned for his mother. Had him pin it on her wrist. She is looking down like it is the most precious gift ever and he has a tender expression on the side of his face that wasn't stroked out that I shot. It was such a powerful shot for me, I couldn't breathe and couldn't see for the tears in my eyes so backed up to take a breath but someone approaching stopped and didn't walk through the shot. Told myself, get back in there (think get back in there, Maverick... top gun) and did and nailed the shot. As his mother pushed the wheel chair away in one direction, I turned to the other so he wouldn't see my tears. Right next to me was the man who didn't walk through the shot so I started saying thank your for not.. and I saw the face of a 6'5 mexican gang banger covered in tats from head to toe and there were tears streaming down his cheeks. The print I gave her was on his coffin 3 months later along with another shot from behind him at a bowling game with the wall completely lit up with white light for a strike. The title, Go to the Light. This is the power of photography. My favorite photo is an example of cast your bread upon the waters and it comes back 10 fold and getting out of your comfort zone. After 15 years am finally printing it for myself this month.

[@chriscard6544]

Thank you for what you did

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

It's interesting how things come around!!

[@Selkirkwater]

Thanks Rob, My father passed from cancer just before Christmas 1999. I don’t think I could have made a photo timeline as you did, in part because I was the “black sheep” of the family, so am uncertain how it would have been taken by my mother and siblings. At any rate, I’m glad that you were able to do this project. Courageous on your part. I found it interesting,as I did your comments about art and photography. Photography is not often seen in any exhibits here. I have a friend in Torino, Italy. There are many galleries there and displays of prominent photographers work are commonly seen. Our local culture has not kept up.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for spending a few minutes viewing my family photos. Thanks for the nice comments.

[@nickbean6426]

Thank you for sharing this, and big big love to you and your family. Those who know how this feels really know.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thank you

[@oleleclos]

Hi Rob. My dad died of leukaemia 45 years ago, but although I ran my own commercial studio at the time, I didn't think of documenting his illness. Too busy, I guess, and not really my line of work anyway. Your pictures are clearly painful for you and your family to look at, but they also convey the pain of that cruel illness to anyone else who sees them. Your comments on the art world's view of photography totally matches my own experience, having tried that avenue after I left commercial photography for greener pastures - in fact not long after dad died, but for different reasons. There is a tremendous snobbery running through art, with oil paintings at the top, and photography bundled in with fabric arts, finger painting and other "childish pursuits" at the bottom.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for sharing. Yes I think we're on to something about the art world.

[@djmentosdotcom]

Thank you for sharing these! Not a fun/easy topic but an important one that we all deal with.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for your comments!!

[@Larpy1933]

Rob, You’re an outlier among KZbinrs. Your humility and tendency to deep-meaning understatements hugely resonate with me. I see* what you mean about being a changed man after doing the project of your dad’s decline and death. * forgive my pun. The work you showed moved me greatly. There are many layers to your production shown here today. Your career, your relationship with your dad, and with other members of your family, your struggles and tribulations with various cameras and lenses in trying to “get the job done”. In my mind, your project imbues your dad’s struggle with great dignity. It’s too easy to turn away or close one’s heart to the suffering of illness and death. I’m a better person for seeing the way you dealt with it. My dad died _with_ Parkinson’s. He lived to age 89 so I wouldn’t say he died because of it. I was in his room for 10 hours a day for a week as he was (barely) palliated . Thanks for your brilliant narration and showing your work. It’s a welcome contrast to “puppies and sunsets”. Your observations of photographers being black sheep of the art world adds another deep layer to your story - and helps further illuminate the human condition. My executive summary: I feel the world is a better place for you doing that project - and especially for sharing it here. Thank-you and good luck.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks. It means a lot.

[@opendoorslowly]

I took photos of my dad going through terminal brain cancer, including just after his passing. It’s some of the most powerful and important photos I’ve taken. Thank you for sharing.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thank you for your kinds words.

[@tonyp1340]

Words are failing me to describe my reaction (?) to your video. Its certainly compelling viewing. Having been a photographer for most of my adult life, initially after an apprenticeship and owning my own business, I changed course but remained an avid photographer. Until digital came along I used and still have the 2 Leica M3's, a 5cm and 9cm and a Hector 3.5cm lenses. While I was never famous, those cameras would sell today for, probably, far more than I was ever paid for one of my photographs. But I digress. I think you are a brave, and obviously a very talented photographic artist. Brave to expose such a personal journey, talented in that you could apply yourself in what would be busy and very trying circumstances and a wonderful artist in that your images convey the empathy and the story so well in shades of grey. The work of a dedicated photographer. Thank you for sharing this sad emotional time. I'm sorry for your loss. I think many of your viewers will identify with your story, your project, as I do. I have often wished I had the foresight and desire, at the time, to take a similar journey. I look forward to seeing more of your work here on KZbin.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks. It's been interesting to say the least.

[@filmic1]

Very sensitive and courageous. Thank you! We lost our Dad in 2007 and just recently our Mom at ninety seven years old. I've taken photos of them sporadically in their latter years. I wouldn't have the courage you have to do this to that degree. Tough. Sincere condolences. Photography as art form. It's posthumously accepted as art. Sadly. It's not what you know, it's who you know, I guess. It's all about being marketed, it seems. Thank you for sharing your journey. I enjoy your blogs.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks.

[@terencelaubach6565]

Thank you for sharing these beautiful, poignant, very personal photographs. I found this episode very moving and important.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@johnpeterson7264]

Thank you so much for sharing this

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

That's for the comment, glad you found it interesting.

[@fbraakman]

Thanks for this Rob. We all can or will be able to relate to the loss of a loved one. It's hard to go through the process that you describe. As far as photographing the experience that also can be a difficult decision to make. Very moving story.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thank you.

[@curiouslizard]

Beautiful work Rob, thank you for showing these prints. Intensely personal and at the core of the human experience. On the art side, I have been in a number of juried exhibitions, they’re fun and sometimes you get a nice print catalog showing your work. It does give you some exposure, but it seems to be a rather insular community. Stieglitz made similar arguments about art over a century ago. I think we just have to photograph and produce work because it’s who and what we are.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Yes, sometimes you just have to take a photo. Glad you found it interesting.

[@synlfo7828]

Really appreciate you sharing these images and moments. My mother is doing chemo and i am heading back home for a little while to help look after her. My sister is currently local to her so she is taking the brunt of the situation. I will take my cameras, a MF range finder and a 35mm point and shoot. I also documented my fathers funeral a while back and like yourself, learned a lot about photography and myself. It was my way of dealing with everything. And i never had any expectations. But i do wish i had taken more images. Thank you again.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Take the photos when you can. You can always just put them in a drawer for later but if you don't take them, then you don't have them.

[@donnapeltier9152]

Thanks for sharing. When I saw these photos at your home not long after your Dad passed, I wondered how you started taking the photos-the motivation. It was so soon after his passing that I didn’t ask more. As you know, I was a caregiver for my Father for many years and some of my favourite photos are a quick grab while helping him at the nursing home. It’s touching to see how your work has depth, not just technical excellence. A long way from when we were at college. Thanks for sharing with us.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks Donna, the journey is not for the faint of heart.

[@vicmacbournie8957]

Well done Rob. Heartbreaking yet important photos especially for others facing the same situation. I wonder if the Cancer society might be interested in a show? Difficult for you and your family but maybe important for others to know what is ahead of them.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

You might be right Vic!!

[@LarryManiccia]

Thanks for sharing a difficult time in your life Rob, and thanks for "keeping it real" as some of us like to say. You said you weren't sure why you showed these photos, but I believe deep down you probably see it as a tribute to your dad. Some wonderful portraits of him at the cottage home. I agree with you about peoples opinions about photography as fine art. I feel the saturation of cell phone cameras has cheapened photography in many ways as everyone thinks they're a photographer.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

True. Now everyone is a photographer, they're just not a good photographer.

[@jw48335]

Impressive. Work like this is, in my opinion, ultimately for yourself. I considered a similar project with my Grandmother, but ultimately decided against it. Her view was that she'd rather dbe remembered for the good times, not the messy ending. I ended up taking some portraits that I will always treasure, but that's it. Great video sir, and thank you for sharing such a personal project!

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad you felt it was interesting.

[@bruceferguson1959]

What an amazing video, thank you for sharing your touching story. My father died of cancer and I regretfully stopped photographing him as he deteriorated. Did you ever doubt or question what you were doing?

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

When things started going south I questioned myself but came to terms with it, and pushed on. There were lot's of days when I didn't take any photos and some days I only grabbed a frame or two.

[@maxwellwellmax878]

I am sorry for your loss!. Beautiful work, I almost lost my Dad a couple of times, reminds us of our mortality and how short our time is on this earth. thank you.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Time does march on. Enjoy things if you can.

[@pgmisha]

Thank you .... a bravery and authenticity not seen on youtube ....very generous of you.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks, glad I showed it.

[@kangsun4636]

Thank you for sharing these private photos!!! This is one of the best touching set of photos that I have ever looked at. After looking at the first several, I totally got the idea that you said that this was not for the family members to look at!

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad you found the work interesting

[@earlmccowen5197]

Thank you for creating this video. I found it to be thoughtful and thought provoking on many levels. Not only your describing the time with your Father and making those photos but also your thoughts on the juried art show process and the value placed on the photographer's art verses the value placed on the tools used by the photographer. All very interesting. Thank you for sharing this very personal story.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad you found it interesting.

[@el0blaino]

Thank you for sharing the photos and describing the project from conception to end. I am not a film photographer so just chanced upon your video, and am glad I did. I was not sure what to expect from the title, but I quickly became engrossed in this very human story. It made me think about caring for our mothers who are still alive, and also about how I might experience a cancer diagnosis myself. I’m probably not alone in thinking that seeing the pictures with your narration had an impact.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thank you for the nice comment. Glad you watched it.

[@CareyMoulton]

Thank you,

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad it was interesting to you.

[@robertmiller5648]

Thank you for describing your thoughtful journey on this deeply personal ‘project’. The pictures were so powerful but your story is magical.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

I'm glad you found it interesting.

[@Revup1]

Rob, thank you for sharing these powerful intimate photos. It takes courage to create a project like this, even more to share it with the world. I came to this video because of the black and white title. As I began watching I thought, maybe these 'private' photos should remain private, maybe this is a bit of an overshare. But as the photo's displayed, I thought wow. The quality of the images, the story that they tell, the picture of human dignity in suffering, the personal story of a loved one's illness, the story of a life well lived. These need to be seen. They should be published. Yet I appreciate that this is not just your story to share, it is your father's, it is your family's and such private moments are sacred and not easy to share. I would love to see these photos in a book, as a tribute to your dad, as a picture of human dignity in suffering, but keeping them in a box is also a valid expression of holding on to something you have lost. Then again, maybe part of the grieving process is to consider sharing that loss, and its terrible weight, with others. Love and prayers to you and yours. RIP Dad.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for understanding.

[@TCMx3]

Just want to add another voice saying thank you for sharing. These are deeply personal photographs, but they are also wonderful photographs. I hope when the time comes for one/both of my parents that I will have half of your bravery.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

I think you will. Just take one photo at a time.

[@zoeymelf8924]

This is a tremendous video. Thank you for sharing it. These are some of the most moving photographs I've seen in quite sometime. I especially appreciated the image of the men in black suits. That image will stay with me, I'm sure of it. I went through a similar experience with my own father. These images remind me of him and the love I hold for him.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for sharing!

[@pannhandle]

Fascinating, thank you.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@brennenf]

Awesome story and images. Great way to blend a personal documentary project with gear, galleries and how photography plays "in the park." We do this work because we have to, not because the world is set up to receive it.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

That's true.

[@Springs1995]

I would feel honored if my son were to document the end of my life. Every aspect of our lives matter, from beginning to end; we have dignity at every stage. Thank you for your work.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thank you

[@YeahItsThatBad]

My condolences for your loss. I’m glad your father was able to receive his last rites, may he rest in peace.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks.

[@anthonyjacobson8799]

Thank you for sharing the pictures and yours and your dad's story. I found both the pictures and the story compelling and cathartic. I am currently in hospital being treated for leukemia, I was diagnosed in May 2023 and have had ups and downs since then. I completely relate to your dad's experience and am happy you were able to devote your time and energy to caring and supporting your dad through his final months. I attempted to start a photo project when I was first diagnosed, but fatigue, illness, lack of creativity stopped it getting off the ground. It has been so long since I was able to get out with my camera and I am missing the creative process of taking images. As a creative person that has been one of the hardest parts of the last year. So again I am glad that you were able to shoot your project and immortalise that period of time.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

I hope you found some strength from the story.

[@jeffreyand]

So often I feel alienated by KZbin photographers, though I may appreciate them sharing the information I’m looking for. Not the case with you. What you shared demonstrated relevance that leaves me wordless Your series of your dad is certainly challenging, but it is also beautiful. I think it addresses your discussion about photography as art. As well, you’ve demonstrated the insight of black and white photography beyond the usual street and landscape work, (which is my bread and butter). What does it mean to the rest of us that you keep it in a box? Maybe we should have been painters painting Sisyphus.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thank you for your kind words!

[@arieh4298]

Very touching work, photography was probably the way for you to go trough the difficult period. Real and honest work about the human condition.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks, glad you found it interesting.

[@richardsimms251]

This is a very important and well done video. Thank you. RS. Canada

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad it was helpful!

[@monochromebluess]

Excellent episode. Well presented and the photographs told the story superbly.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad you found it interesting.

[@derickwilliams9749]

I found your project presentation fascinating, an artmovie in itself and very personal. Thanks for sharing.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@robertbrooks5888]

Rob. I'm a new sub, and I'm impressed by the courage it took to share work as intimate as this.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad that you found it interesting.

[@davidfry8069]

Deeply moving!!!

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad you found it interesting.

[@carbonejack]

It's documenting a life. Most likely you have pictures of your father at other times of his life. This project closes the loop. I'm wondering what your father thought about being the subject of this endeavor. Our culture often hides death. This was a very respectful way to honor your father and his journey. Nicely done.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks. We never really talked about the project after a while. He was just living out his life.

[@rickmusacchio3875]

Thanks for sharing your pictures and your thoughts.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for watching

[@HowardDavies8]

thank you

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks.

[@Juliane2412]

Thank you for sharing this very private work.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for taking the time to watch the video.

[@SavedbybGrace]

Maybe I’ll keep my Leica gear since as you say you kinda pull it out after a while. I bought the Hasselblad 907X 100C… well after that nothing else comes close now… You’d be seriously impressed with the files! Pretty hard core shots of your dad!

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for letting me know.

[@peevonb7070]

Thank you for sharing, beautiful.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for watching!

[@stevenwhite921]

I always enjoy your videos this one was something special, thank you for sharing

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@elStusso]

Thanks for sharing this Rob

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for viewing and hearing my story.

[@chriscard6544]

Heartbreaking

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

I hope you found it interesting.

[@senior_ranger]

Thanks. I know the story well, and I think more folks should be encouraged to do this --- if they can. Not everyone can. I did my mother's end of life, and it was the best "project" I ever did. The images are within the family. My sister treasures an image of her kissing mom goodbye in the casket. Oddly, one of the best is a single frame of her granddaughter alone making up the bed after the undertakers left. The funeral was a little more difficult as the funeral director didn't like having pics being taken; not much he could do as I was the son, but he was a little passive aggressive at times. Many other cultures consider funeral pics on the same level with wedding pics. We are the odd ones about it.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

They are weird projects to work on, but I think they help you deal with the situation as well. They provide a bit of distraction to the experience.

[@sdhute]

Thank you for sharing

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for watching!

[@brentbrown51]

Important. Slice of life... and death. Perhaps means more to me because I'm 78 and have recently been diagnosed with cancer. Not sure what the journey will entail, but this has likely given me a glance of it. Thank you.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Your mileage may vary. Each of us get's our own ride.

[@themanfromphoto]

Here's my take on photography as art. Nobody would ever expect to pick up a paint brush and call themselves a fine art painter, but anyone who picks up a camera calls themselves a photographer. That's the attitude people have. Cell phone cameras have made it worse.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

I think you're right.

[@SterlingSmith]

What film did you use for this project?

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Mostly Delta 400.

[@Alexius1Komnenos]

I can’t believe somebody would look at the picture with the priest and say it was unimportant.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Yeah, me too.

[@synlfo7828]

On the subject of the phtoo as art. I feel in Europe photography is far more accepted as fine art. Any where from Gursky (who sold an image for 1.5 million, i think?) to Thomas Demand, who is technically a sculpture but photographs his work and then destroys the original. Demands work equally sells for a ton of cash. And these are only 2 photographers of many. While on my Masters degree, I never once felt photography was NOT fine art. Things seem to be a bit behind in the USA, even today. A close friend who was at the Academy of Art had no idea of the references i was giving him, in terms of photographers to study. Now the argument could be had that the Academy's interest are purely in money making and not education. That would be a different discussion. But the references were basic knowledge for European students.

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

It's interesting how the different areas see photography. I once found a used photo book at a store about Leica photographers and war. It was done from a German perspective with many German and Italian war photographers who used Leica. Different perspective than I'd seen before.

[@brucemercer8441]

First off, I empathise and understand……I to was a photojournalist at the time my mother was battling cancer (1998)….I to quietly “documented “ her day to day road to the end (primarily for me , to Remember, or more accurately, to hang on to) and my siblings…..some of my family weren’t entirely happy (to which I understand)…. To this day, those photos remain in a box…. For me those memories are in my brain to remember, and I’ve often questioned myself my motivation to photograph such a private time in life , particularly amongst my family when after the event …. I’ve often questioned when is it sacrosanct??? , when is it time to put the camera down?!?…. It’s a question (as a photojournalist) I’ve always battled with….

[@stillshootinginblackandwhite]

Thanks for sharing. It's always a tough question.