“He won’t marry me until I pay off my $15,000 credit card debt”

[@ramitsethi]

0:00 Please remember: These are real people who had the courage to come on my podcast and ask for help. Would you be willing to come on this podcast and share every detail of your financial life? Feel free to leave comments based on what you think, but remember that we are here to help in a supportive way, not to demean and criticize.

[@thegrowthfamily6245]

@ramitsethi In the beginning you say to go on KZbin to watch full video but i am on KZbin where would I find the full version im confused lol

[@coneil72]

@@thegrowthfamily6245 Haha he says that for people listening to the podcast. This is the full version.

[@Hope-eo5sh]

I would love to come on your show

[@el-hp1lj]

I don't blame adam for not wanting to go ahead and get married until she figures out her financials. He's a smart guy for that.

[@BoundlessEyes]

I'm an hour in and Matt needs to run for his own financial wellbeing.

[@tylernol1566]

@@BoundlessEyes There was a point in the episode that I "heard" the thought, "leave this woman" but of course it wasn't uttered. The kind of thought you hear when you know what word somebody is trying to say and you offer it up.

[@mangomadnnesss]

Prenups are there for a reason, he doesn’t want to marry her because he doesn’t want to get married. He is making it seem like its a her problem that they cant get married. When she does fix this, he will find some other thing she has to fix that she wont be able to fix before they can get married.

[@deirdrekiely6187]

​@Mango Madness Prenup is good advice. But I think it's deeper than that. Financial stress is a major reason for divorce. Even with a prenup this guy probably doesn't want to deal with the headache of dealing with her habits. It's very telling that he said he doesn't nag her because it's her money now, not their money. I don't blame him for not wanting to get married yet.

[@Sharmichelle3]

​@@mangomadnnesssYes, I agree!!!

[@ThebookishSAHM]

I think the people that go on this podcast are so brave. They are willing to face their mistakes and work on them. Every episode so far has been eye opening and inspiring to me. Keep up the good work

[@catherineshock5490]

I love that DJ stuck through this hard conversation. She's clearly incredibly smart and should have no issues once she becomes determined to make the changes. As Adam pointed out, sometimes you just need someone else to tell you the hard things and not your partner.

[@FallingAsh]

She has to want it.

[@raheelakhtar7]

Def not money smart

[@mariaking4950]

Can't agree that she's smart I'm afraid.

[@TecnamTwin]

Smart? Buying a new outfit EVERY WEEKEND is not smart. That's downright stupid and completely unnecessary. She's out of control and shameless about it. No wonder he's said "No" so far. He understands that proper money management is critical to a marriage having experienced failure already and her access to his money would only mean she would recklessly continue to overspend.

[@M_SC]

@@TecnamTwinlol how badly did you miss the point, it’s nuts

[@DrBrittneyEllers]

“I don’t know how” 🤷🏽‍♀️ is, in other words, weaponized incompetence. I totally understand why she does it and am excited to hear Ramit helping her get to the root of why she uses it as an excuse. Happy for her realizations because she actually DOES know! Or at least knows how to use her other skills to be able to get answers

[@vulpixelful]

Yeah she talked like an alien was stealing her credit cards every day. Hope she continues to get to the bottom of this

[@penelopeaponte4563]

I really resonated with this because I had the same mentality as her for many years and I thought the same way about how do I get from A to Z when I’m already this way? But if you are determined enough you can and I’ve managed to pay off almost 30k in debt, have an emergency savings, and invest. It CAN happen!

[@JulieCWilson]

Yeah the “throwing spreadsheets at the problem” and not actually addressing the root of the problem and the beliefs really hit home for me in this episode.

[@keyring86]

Congrats

[@sourdoughsavant22]

it's called weaponized incompetence. A lot of us are guilty of this

[@AMMandrea123]

Oh wow, I had never heard that term before. Perfect description.

[@M_SC]

This is so NOT that

[@connorwelch6265]

​@@M_SC This is weaponized incompetence by it's definition. It's described as deliberate or unconscious behavior to avoid responsibility. However, there is a big difference on whether you're doing it with malice. In her case, she is definitely doing what she is unconsciously but there's not malice. It's more of a response to some of her own insecurities and is an excuse to herself on not doing things. It's incompetence that's weaponized but it's weaponized towards herself. She clearly has a lot of knowledge about finances but she keeps telling herself she doesn't because continuing her habits is in her comfort zone.

[@Elizabeth-yx7nn]

She's going to have a nasty shock about how fast the money in her checking account runs out when she stops using her cards. She has an impulse spending problem that she seems very unaware of.

[@melaniegaldi6893]

T

[@Erin-rg3dw]

Impulse control and FOMO. She says she says 'no" to things, but I don't think it's as often as she should. Same with the outfits and shopping. She wants her cake and eat it too, without the work. I hope she can find a way to address that and find a healthier balance.

[@M_SC]

This really shows that a person not trained in psychology can’t do psychology on someone with a non superficial problem. Even if they are smart and experienced like ramit

[@laurianno7011]

Shout out to DJ's sister who is great with money and is living her rich life by spending 1000s of dollars on BTS' concerts. She is my hero.

[@KatieManring]

I was hunting for this comment - as ARMY, DJ’s sister is my bias now. 💜

[@venus3173]

lmfao she’s slaying fr

[@AudreysBrains]

This was the best part of the whole story 😂

[@Mrursi]

the point shouldn't be her just paying 15k so she can get married; but to change in such a way that she wouldn't be in that position going forward. Otherwise, she will be soon in 100k of debt shortly after they are married. duh!

[@AmandaJYoungs]

This is the best show. It is so revealing, and Ramit has this brilliant way of asking probing questions that throw light on things. Being able to see people's faces as it gradually dawns on them what they are doing wrong or what they need to do differently is the icing on the cake. It makes for a good listen even without pictures, but the visuals really complete the show and I look forward to every new episode.

[@ramitsethi]

Thank you!

[@sct4040]

Maybe subconsciously she doesn’t really want to marry him.

[@Ericdj15]

Facts

[@ethanjolly9732]

Using money to fill in a void to buy unnecessary stuff we don’t need is such an overlooked addiction. Especially living in such a materialistic society. I fall victim to it too, but being more aware and seeing therapy has helped.

[@user-md6se6in1z]

Agreed 👍

[@samjoyus]

This is so true .

[@pennyzianpei7733]

Ramit really helped DJ big time. This is honestly the hardest ep so far to listen to…. The way DJ acted oblivious to curve her responsibilities so hard was tough to watch . This is learned helplessness and invites sooo many problems in life. I hope she can step up for herself in the future 😢

[@kathr3477]

There's a part about "victim mentality" in Ramit's book that rubbed me wrong when I first read it, until I realized that's me. I sympathize with DJ, there are so many things out there saying "it's not your fault, there are systemic forces, credit card companies are predatory" etc etc. And that is all very true - AND we've all got to dig ourselves out. I think it's easy to be hard on her, but I get it, she just needs a little tough self love.

[@RShaun]

Same. People tell you your entire life there are traps, look out for them. And we go into the traps anyway and blame the trappers.

[@mmarieritter216]

This was a tough one. DJ's story aligns with mine in many ways -- feeling very beaten down by years of low-wage work and having to supplement with credit just to feel like you can participate in life. It takes a lot of hard work to increase your income the way DJ did, way to go! Now it's just the other hard part of changing your mentality around money, locking yourself down for a few years to get the books right again. You can do it! And as a very practical tip; I didn't make meaningful progress on my high-interest credit cards until I transferred the balance to a fixed, low-interest personal loan. That shit saved my life. Everything is paid and my money feels like mine again -- wishing the same for you, DJ!

[@madameclark3453]

My best friend is a spender, I’ve known her for 40 years. This lady reminds me of her, she may never change. It’s about satisfying her needs first.

[@betz6507]

Not needs -- wants. Humans are a bottomless pit of wants. We have few real needs

[@withyoctopus]

I have a friend like that! She's so lucky she has a rich family who made it possible for her to buy a house. I hope she'll be able to keep it up at least. She thinks that she doesn't spend a lot, but she has bags of unworn clothes in the attic, is on holiday several times a year and goes to restaurant on a regular basis. Her car is a name brand. She really thinks we have a comparable lifestyle but I'm so much more frugal. Everything's old, basic and second hand. Spending is only fun when it involves stocks.

[@healingfear]

It was so beautiful how you helped her find the glitch in her logic about the credit card (points!?) and helped bring her learned helplessness up into her conscious view. Great episode, Ramit.

[@old_ladyhustler727]

I think she just missed the whole part where her boyfriend said he's not in a rush to get married. And when she talked about her wants nothing on having a family.

[@BrandonTalksFitness]

Yeah it seems like they are completely misaligned - It makes me question why they are together

[@AishaBuycks]

I have definitely wondered why they are together.

[@robert8930]

@@BrandonTalksFitness she has a hole

[@Beebooopbeebeee]

I am addicted to this series. It really makes me think about my spending and how it affects my marriage.

[@TrizazirT]

She's moving everything in the right direction! More income, plan to pay off the debt, and a supportive partner. I love this hard conversation and creating the framework to have the best life ever!

[@HeatherLeBas]

I can picture DJ getting through this, actually fairly quickly. If she can make a huge career leap like that, she can definitely apply the same perseverance, structure, and behaviors to finance. The credit card points I feel like are a connection to family history of gambling, which I find interesting. She actually might be able to use the small win approach to her advantage if she is wired this way. She mentioned putting a star on a calendar to keep track of wins, this could actually be that small psychological win that could help keep her motivated helping her leap into a new era.

[@mygoodlife204]

Yes. It is the gambling! And Adam is not enabling her like her mom enabled the dad!

[@Erin-rg3dw]

Same. Lots of finance and life coaches recommend doing something visual, like a thermometer to track goals so you can see your progress.

[@Erin-rg3dw]

@@mygoodlife204 Sort of the opposite. Her mom didn't enable her dad because she tried to take the money from him before he could spend it, even though it didn't always work. Adam doesn't want to get in that situation.

[@suzapalooza5388]

Wow- each episode is better than the last. Fascinating how Ramit can get to the basis of behavior. DJ- you are brave for airing your issues and it sounds like you are helping others also. Stay strong- it will make life so much easier and more enjoyable.

[@TheJrobalex42]

@Ramit, this was the episode I didn’t want to watch but needed to see. DJ IS ME. I have been stuck trying to figure how to get unstuck with the exact same debt, same thinking, and inability to see the solution - ‘I don’t know’ is the modus I operate from when anything gets hard. I am so glad I suck through this uncomfortable (for me) to watch conversation between yourself and DJ. She was the mirror I needed to change some broken mindset programs I have had. I have already changed back to using my checking acct and am ok if this takes me 2 years to payoff. I can not thank you enough for doing what you do. ❤

[@anotherdedchannel]

Make sure to set the exact date you'll be debt free and make a plan!

[@janebaker4912]

A new outfit every week!?!?!!! Shopping addiction? Like her father's addiction? Has she been enabled? Her sister wasn't

[@simba8276]

41:30 she’s me fr, fr. I haven’t had any major consequences. It doesn’t affect my life in a real way. I know exactly how that feels. This episode is hitting for me

[@chrisveazey9498]

Me, too. I wanna tell DJ I'm the same.

[@anotherdedchannel]

You're lying to yourself about the consequences. Do you have your own home and car that are paid for? Are you at or above the average 401k account balance? Do you get to take at least one real vacation a year?

[@jenlollygag6815]

Ramit's job is really hard. He has to do so much heavy lifting here 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. He has so much patience.

[@DeniseDesarden]

This was such a relatable episode for me. I do what she does and was able to get to the bottom of WHY I do it. Great episode. Thank you for helping us.

[@lalainenash2006]

I love this session. DJ is funny and honest while Adam is patient and level-headed. With DJ taking responsibility and accountability, to her problem, hopefully they will flourish their relationship for the better.

[@Billups7Iniesta8C7]

Credit card companies are thirsting at the mouth when they hear "I get a new outfit every week to go out" Like what?

[@wilseph1]

Strong consideration for Adam to move on, considering he may be staring at divorce #2.

[@JakeRaymanVideoProductions]

If THIS is just a warm up to the incoming Netflix show, MAN, the show is going to be AWESOME! These are encouraging to watch! So many take-aways!

[@Beautybytracilei]

The interesting thing is that she has taken on the role of her father. Her father was irresponsible with money and delegated the responsibility to her mother. Her mother even delegated the responsibility to her teenage sister at times. As much as she values her mother, who is “good” with money, she doesn’t really want to be like her, to be the one who figures it out when it comes to money. She says this doesn’t impact her really, but we all know it actually does. Even if you choose to ignore it, debt weighs on you and limits your opportunities and your autonomy. I hope she follows through on her plan and learns what it feels like to own your power as an individual before moving into a marriage.

[@mangomadnnesss]

I dont think it “weighs” on her really. Its almost like she thinks its her own money that she’s spending really.

[@JustAGrl007]

I can relate so bad at 37:22 …. I am the sister. I still can’t understand how all of my siblings grew up in the same household for the most part and I’m the only one that has something. I also really hate being one of the higher earners for my family, even though I don’t even earn that much and get looked at as a cash bank.

[@lmespinosa7320]

It's the same with me and my family. I feel like all my siblings are impulsive and bad with money and I'm the planner who always has some money in the bank, and then get asked for money 😭 worse is then when they can't pay me back, they feel guilty and don't want to talk to me. Oh well

[@josephgutierrez8430]

Bro she's seems nice, but it ain't worth it. Run!!!! Don't walk away. RUN!!!! The debt is a symptom of a larger problem. Anyone who is not willing to take responsibility for their actions and thoughts and problems, as an adult is not someone who is ready to start a life with. Your gut in not wanting to commit now is a strong sign. Listen to it. I was listening on Spotify but I felt compelled to come say this. RUN ADAM RUN!!!

[@tinaanderson9952]

Exactly

[@debbielockhart7762]

She doesn't even seem nice to me. She is irritating.

[@parkmi-ra252]

calm, calm, calm. then ramit breaks at 4:09 already 😆. appreciate how these conversations go though in a very non-judgmental yet no-nonsense way.

[@user-zm4rx2uq5r]

I listened to this episode again and answered Ramit's questions and learned a lot about myself.

[@PersonalFinanceDaily]

It's so common for people to have this mentality around points card and the system is designed exactly for this. I am so glad for this couple that they're moving forward!

[@isaiahayers1550]

It's crazy that people never do the math. I guess it's harder with points vs a cash back percentage. But still, getting back 2% on your purchases and being charged 20-30% in interest that compounds from not paying it off.

[@AaronKimmel]

Ramit is so great with these guests. I've been following Ramit's work since the barefoot edition of his book and am so in awe each time another great product comes out. The guests are so brave to come and share their stories. So many people I know would have ended these calls at the "I don't know!" point. I believe I'm good with money and I still pick up lessons from these podcasts that expose my habits with money as well as in other aspects of my life.

[@Esther-uo7fs]

I don't think this is about money, I don't think Adam wants to marry her again. Period

[@caroldolan1485]

A big bucket with a hole. Run. A scarcity complex? Troubling. She just wants to live with him and doesn’t want to marry him. Good time to escape.

[@jenheartbeawesome]

Ramit you are awesome! This is all going back to her Dad's irresponsibility & her mom bailing him out & mommying him for years. She is living this codependent dynamic with her mom, her fiance & Ramit. Unskilled she decided to take full personal responsibility for her life she will stay stuck.

[@mithicash1444]

Does anybody else get a really bad feeling about that girl. Every time she spoke about her spending I had bella ringing in the back of my head telling me she tries to portray a wealthy lifestyle more than anything. She wants to spend money on getting her hair done and on new clothes whenever she wanta, but that has many levels to it that they don't talk about. Some hair stylist and clothes are extremely expensive. She also carriea 15k worth of CC debt on a 92k salary... That debt should be gone 6 months onto that new job. That is a very high income and the fact that she hasn't paid it off yet is a big red flag for me.

[@andrewrobinson2565]

"Everybody who uses a debit card has credit card debt." My wife and I ONLY have debit cards...cheeky 😊.

[@Anna-qz6xw]

My husband and I ONLY use credit cards, pay them off every Friday, and cash out thousands in rewards every year. Say hi to Dave)

[@sussie9895]

Ramit you have the patience of a saint… I felt like I was banging my head against the wall with the number of dodges and “I don’t know”s she threw back.

[@allyeee]

This. I’ve never been more frustrated but I know its because she’s not ready to face the truth of why she does the things she does. She can’t go deep or get to the root because then she’ll have to face herself and clearly she can’t

[@LoraCorkhill-wm9pk]

After hearing about her dad it helps me understand her so much better.

[@reynablanc5567]

If this couple gets married, DJ needs to fork over her paychecks and Adam can give her a prepaid card to limit her spending. Otherwise, I don't think they should marry. This is a tough one. I do wish them the best🙏

[@sct4040]

Whenever I find myself wanting to spend money on something I don’t need, but wanting the high of shopping, I have to go NO BUY for a months or longer. It’s an addiction.

[@flygirl2447]

YES DJ.. Sometimes you need to shut down your life temporarily to reach a bigger goal. It’s called adulting. It takes sacrifice. It takes saying NO to lots of things you want to do that would give you instant gratification in order to instead do the thing that would get you closer to your big picture. It takes putting new habits and behaviors into place. Until you make the choice to stop living a lifestyle you can’t afford and instead to live and make choices with intention, you’ll be broke. And you probably won’t be married to your current guy, who has already learned this the hard way. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

[@Tracker5111]

DO NOT MARRY OR GET INVOLVED WITH AN ADULT CHILD!

[@janebaker4912]

It looks like a dad and daughter 😬

[@debbykidd9813]

I love how the light bulb finally came on with DJ. After she pays off the credit cards, then she can use those points if she wants by charging and PAYING OFF every single month. She is much younger than me when I finally got it together. She will do great!

[@magalimasson9472]

Ok that was amazing, the episodes are seriously getting better and better 👌 Thank you to all the amazing people willing to go on this show/Podcast, you are helping lots of people to learn ❤️

[@letsalltakeawalk6906]

Can't help but think about DJ's "good with money" sister. I hope she's well. Having to hide the family money from her dad sounds super traumatic.

[@123meyca]

omg im 24 .. and im hitting my head against a wall watching this. How is it that people in their 30s+ don't have or at least WANT a savings? wow.

[@guidedbybreath2702]

Ramit’s work is literally dedicated to uncovering the why- this episode is no exception.

[@withyoctopus]

I still don't understand it. It's all about feelings. That's very vague and complicated. Her father gambles and therefore she spends? I don't get the connection. She wants "a rich life". And therefore wastes all the money she has. Doesn't make a lot of sense. He tries to explain but it doesn't become clear to me.

[@33Jenesis]

I would never marry a person with impulse control issue. It is a time bomb.

[@MeiravSeifert]

I feel like they missed drawing a parallel between DJ and her dad - living in the moment and burying ones head in the sand about spending and racking up bills is a lot like the gambler mentality

[@catherineclaire7429]

They didn’t need to draw the parallel out loud because it’s obvious. Adam got it.

[@jainthorne4136]

I always think it's interesting to see how childhood echos in our lives. I think her sister got her mother's lessons while she followed her father's gambling lessons. She lives in the now and believes she will win. Her mother lived in the future and saved for that day. Her sister gained that lesson. Interesting that two sisters in the same family learned different lessons from their childhoods.

[@Datcomgaming]

My ex was like DJ, a believer and Avoider. She never wanted to talk finances with me and overall it frusturated me because she thought that her money problems would just go away. Yet she refused to change her lifestyle and added more to her monthly bills and never thought about a savings or anything like that.

[@matti900]

It always amaze me how much you dig deep into someone spending behaviour. Fascinating!

[@ladyrenaethomasjames]

I wish DJ took this seriously 🤦🏾‍♀️ She really wasted all of our time

[@lowlowseesee]

I loved it lol. It’s a lesson still

[@debbielockhart7762]

I was annoyed by her less than a minute in.

[@rubired123]

47:00 this is so relatable to someone losing weight. They know they have to eat healthy and workout to lose weight. They’ve read a million books. But do they do it? Maybe not. They have the knowledge, but it’s an emotional problem.

[@widerman2000]

I see the men here thinking about money in a practical, “black and white” way. Then when I watch her I see a beautiful, emotional, intelligent woman who has no self esteem, and no faith in herself. I don’t see how he can be the perfect match for her. He’s worried about money and protecting himself. She is obviously looking for love, security, and someone to be a friend. She needs to work on her self worth. She needs to trust herself, and celebrate that she is successful and capable. I believe once she changes her self view and treats herself with kindness - her habits with money will change.

[@CherylWickham]

Amen. She was making twice as much as him, is far better looking and seems pretty smart. She just needs some self confidence! Her debt is minor. Ramit spent so much time on it and let her boyfriend off scot free. Something tells me his finances are probably not perfect either.

[@atio5491]

Knowing what to do and doing it are two different things especially when there are no consequences. Its easy to create a spreadsheet but to have the discipline not to buy that stuff or save money is the problem. It takes discipline to think you have access to 'free money' and you choose not to buy that shiny stuff

[@shwaldman]

Shaking my head at an hour 7 minutes because she just agreed to pay down her credit card at 2K per month, but she not admitting that she will still be spending all the other money in her checking account. It will take many more months than 9 months. She will lower that $2000 right away.

[@georgina4874]

True. But, you could watch it in 1.5 speed or more.

[@AlmaCastro-tx8of]

She’s smiling like she’s so proud of it.

[@LittleTimmyO]

Low iq

[@melaniegirard1980]

she saw her dad getting away with everything and still having placement and no debt. because her mom did it all... she is doing the same thing expecting the partner to do the same.

[@mangomadnnesss]

This conversation would’ve been way more productive if Ramit was talking to Adam and Adam told her. She obviously values him more than herself and is only trying to fix this for him. I hate that for her but I hope she realizes her value.

[@annoravetz5908]

I went through this. You have to make a commitment to stop spending, and chunk off those bills. I wish I did this to my husband before we got married. I did it for him after we were married, and he took it for granted. Paid off the cards, paid off his car, student loans, and they all went back up. I was his money machine for 14 years, culminating in the divorce. With me, saving was my way to deal with a job I didn't like. I wanted to pay everything off so I could quit, but it was like an eternal treadmill with him. Always something unexpected to buy--for him. I bought something I liked, and he would have something negative about me spending the money. Gambling addiction is shameful for the people who suffer with it. I totally understand why she saved it for last.

[@carolday3381]

Fascinating youtube channel,.. just had it pop up in my recommends and seeing that this channel operator is respectful; and kind to the people asking for help is wonderful. I can see tons of learning for me from this channel based on a glance at video titles from past videos. Very cool. Thanks. Subscribed.

[@ramitsethi]

Thank you for watching!

[@killtorres]

I love how pragmatic and confident Adam is, he stands his ground so matter of fact.

[@jeromehenry4484]

Why? 90 minutes and Ramit never questions Adam's situation/finances, all attention is put on DJ's $15K debt. You really believe Adam doesn't have financial issues at $50k/year and divorced? What if he has car debt, student loan debt, etc.? Adam's definition of "money management" is off.

[@tacosmargs58]

@@jeromehenry4484 Not everyone goes into debt from divorce.

[@tacosmargs58]

TBH Adam should find a new girlfriend

[@jeromehenry4484]

@@tacosmargs58 Correct, not everyone. However, Adam stated marital debts was the No. 1 factor that contributed to his divorce from his 1st wife. Divorce Judge had to assign division of debts & assets somehow (not always 50/50, it depends on state couple resides in). Adam also admitted he was not currently debt-free himself. My complaint is Ramit spent the entire 90 minutes solely focused on DJ's $15K credit cards, but gave a free pass to Adam. Also wondering about a 37YO man only making $50K and appears he has no plans to work towards increasing his personal income. Curious to know why you think Adam should drop DJ.

[@tacosmargs58]

@@jeromehenry4484 ahh gotcha, I didn't hear him say that about his divorce. I think they're a mismatch. She seems very immature and honestly not the most intelligent person. But totally hear you on the other points, you're spot on with that.

[@vasundharasherkar1699]

I heard caleb crying out "your not a credit card person" here.

[@tjackson3816]

I'm sorry. Watching this was exhausting. However, I love the way Remit is candid, direct, and not accepting her excuses.

[@juditharsenault2131]

I only have debit card. I haven't had a credit card for about 20 years. You've got me really thinking about my relationship with money and what's important to me.

[@marialittlefieldpradokurpu2061]

I ALWAYS told the children “I don’t know isn’t an answer” take responsibility! Was a way to put the conversation back on them. I used the winner vs. loser saying as consequence when they needed to step back and reflect on what they were saying or behaving

[@lindsay3995]

My last relationship would have gone so much smoother if I had realized how woefully insecure my debt made me feel at the time & if I’d come up with a plan…I didn’t even KNOW that was such a source of poor self-image. It never clicked until I had an emergency post-breakup that forced me to max out all of my credit cards and get serious about starting paying debt down. The relief and the weight that came off my shoulders was astounding and I hadn’t even been consciously aware that it was there. Different outlook now entirely.

[@TeKnoVKNG23]

She's been enabled her entire life so this will take time and would be nice to see a follow up. Had a friend just like this, in his late 30s, parents still paying for his cell phone, car insurance, paying his mortgage, etc. He made decent money, but blew it left and right on stupid stuff and couldn't figure out why no one wanted to get into a serious relationship with him. She's 37 and her room looks like a 5 year old child's bedroom, there's a lot of psychological stuff at play here. "I save 10% of my paycheck" to "My sister saves, I don't save, I have no idea." So is she saving or not, makes no sense. It became pretty evident toward the end she's just playing dumb because she enjoys being enabled. Wish we would have got more detail on Adam's debt and he still seems emotionally hurt from the last marriage. Combining the financial numbers didn't really help either since they aren't married.

[@Yugiboii]

She’s 33 not 37

[@AM-qk7ox]

Something is off about this girl. I don't want to be too quick to judge but she has my spidey senses tingling. She's super sharp, almost like a con artist. Can't put my finger on it.

[@deirdrekiely6187]

She seems like an airhead to me.

[@coneil72]

Whew, the age gap between them is a huge elephant in the room. His perspective totally makes sense for someone later in life, especially post divorce. She's in a place where marriage means something different, means she's not supposed to be finished yet. As she says, she hasn't faced any accountability in her life. He's asking her to hurry and finish growing up. Best of luck to them.

[@debbielockhart7762]

Did they state her age? I missed that part.

[@MarkusLaumann]

That man needs to give her a timeframe to pay off this debt. Either she pays it off and they can get married for he moves on. If she cares about the relationship she'll figure it out.

[@katie8325]

He has his own debt. Why is hers the priority?

[@MarkusLaumann]

@@katie8325 I never said his didn't matter. It's been a few weeks since I watched this but it seemed like he considered her refusal to pay down any debt to be a red flag. Not all debt is bad and I think he considered his to be reasonable. I also think he would be worried about what happens if they get married, she gets pregnant, then he can't afford to keep them afloat on one income. I could be wrong though. If you saw some thing different I'm open to hearing your take.

[@acilirp]

He's not in a rush to get married so deep down he may not want her to pay the debt so they don't get married.

[@emmasarge4057]

Yes!

[@darlenesousa8421]

She's her father. Someone will take care of her and it'll all magically work out

[@kenny3269]

This comment is spot on. She dances around it but she wants to make lifestyle decisions and someone else will make it all work. Frustrating bc she knows the language of finance to a degree but then says “I don’t know.” She doesn’t want to face reality.

[@lolitanolita9107]

The points are only if you use your credit card like an atm and you pay it in full every month. There are definitely consequences to her behavior... She just doesn't see the consequences... She is paying a debt infinity that never goes down.

[@kimferzoco6755]

This conversation was very frustrating for me. I don’t understand why DJ talks about paying off debt as if it’s a mystery and out of her control.

[@cleaninglady9410]

DJ was a teacher? It amazes me that she couldn’t figure out that paying $2000 a month on her credit card didn’t solve her credit card problem because she kept charging more money every month! Duh!

[@Artsysomeone]

I feel her on an emotional level. I would love to see her get out of debt

[@coneil72]

It's been 8 months since this was posted. I'd love to know how they're doing.

[@Spielzeit85]

She's presumably a smart adult. She keeps saying managing money is hard. It's not hard. She just doesn't want to do it, but is playing dumb because that's easier.

[@user-md6se6in1z]

I’m a female and I don’t have any debt, it puts me off hearing when a guy does have debt and is doing nothing to get rid of it. I don’t blame him.

[@bellabobbybob3476]

I think Adam shouldn’t marry this girl even she paid off her debt. That debt will come back soon.

[@tinachristine4573]

Sadly, that's her way of doing life, and she'll either get more credit cards or find other ways to get into debt.

[@racquelholness169]

but he has debt too

[@TRUEEEEET]

First time watching the channel. I truly appreciate the honest of this couple. I feel like the host isn't just a "money man" he sounds like a psychologist. And I feel that once you are married you become one. So both parties need to be whole. I too don't think they should get married until she get her debt under control.

[@lifeisbeautiful7452]

That was his major.

[@einstein1102]

She needs uncle Dave. The way she thinks about Credit Card, she's the perfect person for Dave Ramsey. She needs that push for her to turn things around because I think SHE CAN TURN THINGS AROUND.

[@guidedbybreath2702]

Ramit did just fine.

[@chailee2786]

She can't afford to travel, get her hair done, buy new clothing, etc....... yet her solution is keep swiping her credit cards........smh......RED FLAG mixed with DELUSIONAL!!!!!!!!!! My guy RUN!!!!!!!

[@setodd2098]

So I'm only part way through.....but all these comments seem to focus on DJ, but i think she's an easy target. Adam is avoiding how much his divorce affected him and unwillling to directly to ask for what he needs, which i wonder if he believes allows to be blameless. Not cool dude.

[@evemilicic9123]

She’s asking for concrete advice and getting public, harsh unlicensed therapy, while her husband watches silently and doesn’t offer support…so tortuous.

[@georgina4874]

Boyfriend.

[@o0usf0o]

Imagine how many times they’ve discussed her credit card debt. No advice is going to help her until they solve the root problem.

[@Mrursi]

So, you want to get married so your everyday conversation is going to be this run around? Madness

[@melissamedina15]

Omg my jaw dropped when she said 90K literally doubled. That’s what I need

[@coolguy32558]

I would look into a prenup - it also deals with debt, not just assets.

[@Firefenex1996]

I see what Adam is saying about being okay with DJ having SOME debt. Ramit was looking for a yes/no answer and Adam gave a truthful answer with financially smart reasoning. Ramit kind of got beat there and stuck with the generalization. Ramit knows not all debt is bad debt. DJ has bad debt but probably some good debt in there as well.

[@ShirellW]

Damn, this shiii is good. She is literally getting a therapy session for free. I am getting stuff out of this that is for me too. I am at 43:01. What Ramit just said makes perfect sense. It doesn't matter how much debt she has or how much more she makes. The decision is being made on her emotions. Nothing to do with is she has the money or not and how much she is already in debt. Damn, this is awesome and crazy at the same time. I hope she goes back to view this to marinate, ponder, and soak this.

[@MeditationWithAmber]

I really feel for DJ. I wonder if she is also unable to say "no" to herself because she is using spending money as a way to numb out or soothe negative emotions that she can't bring herself to feel. It's not just that spending less money will equal having less stuff and fun, but also that it would open up an opportunity for whatever she might be suppressing to rise up. I love the show and am happy to see all of Ramit's success!

[@izy0321]

I do honestly feel like she would have done better with Caleb Hammer and the tough love direct approach. She wanted a concrete plan and more information.

[@Playingwithproxies]

Honestly there is no one who does better with Caleb his show is entirely entertainment and shock value 😅 watch any follow up episode and you’ll see

[@LizzieMagz]

I refused to marry someone, they hid 40-50k of debt from me. Went through bankruptcy; he's in debt again and doesn't even pay rent.