How To Deal With Death - Julia Samuel, Ep 27

HealthHackers episode 27: Dealing with death, and the best thing you can do for someone who’s grieving.
Grief psychotherapist Julia Samuel MBE provides practical advice for dealing with the pain of bereavement in this interview with journalist Gemma Evans, drawing on 25 years of experience working with grieving families. She is Founder Patron of Child Bereavement UK and author of Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving.
Julia was also a close friend to Princess Diana and is now godmother to Prince George - William and Kate’s son, who would have been Diana’s grandson.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
-Julia’s advice if a family member is dying
-What you can say to yourself as soon as a loved one dies to help get you through it
-How to best support your partner after your child dies
-Practical tips for resolving grief
-How men and women need different things when they are grieving
-The best thing you can do for someone who’s grieving
-How to handle guilt after someone close to you has died
-The biggest single predictor of a good outcome in grief
-Why you should talk about your death long before it happens
-What a DNR is, and why you need to know whether your parents want one
-How to explain death to a child
-What to do if your elderly relatives refuse to discuss dying
-What happens in a grief psychotherapy session
-Plus, how Julia dealt with the death of her mother, and also her good friend, Princess Diana
Get the show notes at healthhackers.org
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[@jillyoung1282]

Thank you both so much. This video will be one for me to watch occasionally to help me with the death of my mum. There we are, that’s the first time in 22 years I’ve used the death word! Wow! I miss her sooooooo much. 🙏🏻💞🇬🇧

[@HealthHackers]

Jill, thank you for your comment. To think that the video has been of some help to you means so much to me. I’m sorry to hear about your mum. All the best, Gemma.

[@jillyoung1282]

Thank you Gemma. 🌺

[@thequeenofselfcare]

How r u now Jill? I just lost my mom a lil over a week ago. I can't handle this pain

[@jillyoung1282]

TheQueenOf SelfCare Thank you so much for asking! I’m okay. Some days better than others. I’m so sorry to hear you have lost your mom. I send you my deepest sympathies and prayers. For you it’s very fresh in your heart and mind. That pain will ease. The miss never goes away. The first year is very hard, you’ll have to stay strong and keep her memory close. I hope you have family and friends to lean on. There’s no one like a mother. They are so precious. Prayer helps a lot. It’s important to give yourself time to grieve. I hope you find some comfort and peace soon. Sending love, Jill. Xxx

[@thequeenofselfcare]

Thank you so much for your words Jill. I appreciate it. I'll stay strong for my little brothers. I'm glad your starting to feel better. I wish u many blessings

[@Venus77x]

Thank you for comforting me and quelling my anxiety and palpitations caused by horrifically intense grief. I lost my dear Mother yesterday, she had passed away in the early hours after suffering with emphysema for many years. The shock of finding her has rocked me to the core and I have been feeling like my heart was going to explode. I felt like a car engine revving with the brakes on. Listening to Julia and her soothing voice and kind advice, has helped to ground me. I know it will take time to work through this tsunami of feelings, but thank you for giving me some respite from this pain Xx

[@HealthHackers]

Oh Venus, I’m so glad you were able to feel some respite watching the video. Wishing you lots of peace and comfort. X

[@Venus77x]

@@HealthHackers thank you so much, because unbelievably, we had to have our little 16 year old dog and soulmate put to sleep from congestive heart failure and renal failure....and now look what else has hit the world like one mass volcanic eruption! This has triggered a lot of PTSD in people....when you have a threat, lose your liberty, lose control of your life, this is a form of grief through loss, people are even losing loved ones....never has your grief counselling been more important to SO many people right now....but we will ALL get through it. Humanity will change from this point, into more creation and less destruction and the planet will thank us for it, Thank You for being the lighthouse in a storm Xx💕

[@HealthHackers]

Venus77x 🙏❤️

[@guymichel8533]

I really like the advice that Julia provides. She is so thorough, balanced and considerate.

[@HealthHackers]

Julia is fab.

[@wambuialice957]

This is so profound

[@vladimpailer9059]

My wife died suddenly last week, this video helped me so very much.

[@HealthHackers]

I’m truly so sorry to hear about your wife, Vlad.

[@JL-xd4cn]

Hey Vlad, same for me we suffered a sudden death few months back. Now it’s my daughter and I. Very hard to accept. My condolences to you. Feel free to get in touch as we may be in the same place grief wise.

[@vladimpailer9059]

@@JL-xd4cn Its such a horrible rollercoaster ride, I'm in bits, thank you for your message and I know what we are going through, sudden death is so painful for those left behind, keep in touch.

[@nwadi6408]

This woman is a great healer.

[@kelleymcfadden9675]

God bless you. I'm trying to share my best friend's story with everyone because she understands where real hope and comfort is found. Family Story Little did our family of six know that Friday evening, September 24th, 2021, would be the last night our family would be complete. We laughed together, played games, sang, and enjoyed listening as our 16-year-old son, Ethan, played the piano for us. I packed a lunch for Ethan for a church mountain hike he was going on the following day. My mother (who was visiting from out of state) and I woke early with Ethan on Saturday morning. He hugged me and smiled, never pulling away or rushing me. He got in the car, waved, said he'd see me later and he loved me. It was hard to watch my "new driver" heading out on his own that morning. As Ethan pulled out of the gate, I turned to my mother and said, "It's just so hard letting go." Little did I know how much "letting go" I was really doing. That was the last time I saw Ethan. He did not make it home that evening. That afternoon, a friend tried to contact my husband, leaving an urgent message to call him back. He tried several times to return the call to no avail. As we were preparing supper, an overwhelming feeling of deep concern for Ethan filled my heart. I quietly blinked back tears. I glanced out the window, half expecting to see a police officer pull up to the house, but no one arrived. However, within a few minutes, a patrol car DID pull into the driveway. In my heart, I feared the worst. My husband and I went out to meet the officer, who confirmed our fears. Hesitantly, he told us our son had fallen off of a bluff and had succumbed to his injuries. Our hearts were crushed; they still are. Yet, in all of our brokenness, deep, continual grief and loneliness, our family has such a blessed Hope and assurance that we will see our dear son and brother again. You see, when Ethan was a young boy, he was saved; he put his faith in Jesus alone to forgive his sins and to take him to Heaven when he died. He realized some very important truths from the Bible that he would want to share with you. His Story Everyone is a sinner. Sin is any violation of God’s Law. God is holy, just and righteous, and He cannot allow sin in His presence. Ethan realized that he - like all of us - had sinned; and his sin separated Him from God. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; ” (Romans 3:23) “Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:” (Romans 5:12) He understood that, because of his sin, he deserved to spend eternity in Hell. “For the wages of sin is death;” (Romans 6:23a) [Wages: price] “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:8) Ethan believed that Jesus, God’s Son, paid the price for all sin when He died on the cross - because His sinless sacrifice was the only thing that could satisfy the just demands of a righteous, holy God. Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb, but He arose the third day, triumphant over sin, death, and Hell. Jesus is alive today! “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16) “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9) Ethan was sorry for his sin, repented (turned), and received by faith the free gift that God offered to him. “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13) “...but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 6:23b) Because of this great salvation, Ethan lived his life serving Jesus. He worked hard to spread this Good News to the world. He is alive in Heaven with Jesus today; and because of this great HOPE in Christ, we know we will see him again soon - not because he was a great kid, but because of his faith in the great Saviour! “And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” (John 10:28) Your Story What about you? What if you had fallen to your death that day - What if you were to die today? Where will you spend eternity - Heaven or the Lake of Fire? There will not be any parties in the Lake of Fire. It is a place of eternal torment for those who reject God's Son. The Word of God is very clear that there is only One Way to Heaven. “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6) We did not know that Ethan would step into eternity that day; however, because he put his faith in Jesus alone for his salvation, Ethan was ready to go. Some day - perhaps today - you will take your last breath here on earth, and you will step into eternity. Where you spend eternity is determined by what you do with Jesus Christ. Will you accept Him or reject Him? You are not promised another day or another breath. Eternity begins soon - Are you ready? “...Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved…” (Acts 16:31b) “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13) “(...behold, now is the day of salvation.)” (2 Corinthians 6:2c) ****************************** This testimony has been made into a tract form as well, so if you or your church are interested in having them to pass out, please go to libertyfaith.net and you will find the contact info there. God bless! Tribute to Ethan Lakey kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5nSk5aHj5uEmJo

[@JediBunny]

Thank you for sharing this interview. Julia is wonderful and you did a really great job asking important and meaningful questions. This week marks a year since my mom died. Only from this interview was I able to realise the importance of saying that she _died._ Up until now it pained me too much to say; but I’ve been terribly stuck in my grief and I think saying “she’s gone; she’s passed on; I’ve lost her” was only hindering me from squarely facing the reality that my best friend and the strongest pillar of my life is dead. It’s a harsh truth, but one I must face to move through and fully integrate my grief.

[@HealthHackers]

I’m so sorry your mom died. And I’m really pleased this video was helpful in some way. Thank you for your thoughtful feedback and comments. I’m sure others will find reading your words comforting too.

[@JediBunny]

@@HealthHackers thank you so much, I truly appreciate your compassionate response. It looks like you’re doing great work here with your channel and continuing to ask important questions and have meaningful conversations; something this world will always need. 💜

[@HealthHackers]

That’s very kind of you. Thank you for your support 💕

[@brendamanchester6969]

Ooh ladies thank you so much for this. Helping to heal my broken heart after the death of my brother 5 months ago. I will re-watch regularly. Thank you, thank you, thank you

[@HealthHackers]

Thank you for watching Brenda. So sorry to hear about your brother. 🧡 I’m glad the video is helpful in some small way.🙏

[@brendamanchester6969]

@@HealthHackers 💜

[@Venus77x]

I just want to say so sorry for the loss of your brother, I feel your pain. It started with my husband losing his job in December, then I lost my Mum in January, then in February we had to have our little dog and soulmate put to sleep. After all this personal pain and grief now look at the whole world? We were starting to process our own grief when we're all hit with this BUT we will ALL get through this, in life if we all support each other, even with words to a stranger, we can do infinite good and ripple that out into the world. See I don't believe in death is the end, we are all energy, and love is the purest form of energy, you can not destroy energy. From being a child I always asked for help in times of internal spiritual distress and not once was I ever let down. I talk to my Mum and Dad as if they're still here, I have seen poignant 'signs' all my life, the signs are there at the right times. I feel I was led to Julia and these KZbin videos because they have helped enormously with the feelings of loss of the 'physical' presence. Sending you many heartfelt and peaceful thoughts Xx

[@lisas2538]

Brenda, I hope you are doing okay. I’m sorry about your brother. I lost my brother 9-27-21. It’s devastating. I don’t know how I will go on. It’s awful pain. I was very close to him and I loved him so much.

[@brendamanchester6969]

@@lisas2538 Dear Lisa ~ thanks so much for your message. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. What I've found helps is to acknowledge what a huge life event this is & to nurture myself. Gently one step after the other, and reminding others that I'm bereft and need to go gently. It's been hard but it's now been 2 1/2 yrs, the shock & distress have made way for some peace and courage to face life without him while holding onto the love I feel for him. Please nurture yourself, become an expert on self care & this will help you in life, and help you be able to treasure your brothers memory xx 💞

[@evemorris1435]

Very sensitively done. Thank you.

[@HealthHackers]

Thanks for watching Eve!

[@michaelkourtoubelides1684]

My answer is there is an afterlife and passed away exactly means that. I grieved many months after my beautiful mum passed away. I constantly had signs that my beloved mum was fine. Yes they do go back to a younger age and watch over you. I also went to many therapists but the truth is there. No offense to this lady she is very helpful. Therapy helps to cope with missing them, but one day we will reunite.

[@HealthHackers]

Thank you Michael.

[@kelleymcfadden9675]

God bless you. I'm trying to share my best friend's story with everyone because she understands where real hope and comfort is found. Family Story Little did our family of six know that Friday evening, September 24th, 2021, would be the last night our family would be complete. We laughed together, played games, sang, and enjoyed listening as our 16-year-old son, Ethan, played the piano for us. I packed a lunch for Ethan for a church mountain hike he was going on the following day. My mother (who was visiting from out of state) and I woke early with Ethan on Saturday morning. He hugged me and smiled, never pulling away or rushing me. He got in the car, waved, said he'd see me later and he loved me. It was hard to watch my "new driver" heading out on his own that morning. As Ethan pulled out of the gate, I turned to my mother and said, "It's just so hard letting go." Little did I know how much "letting go" I was really doing. That was the last time I saw Ethan. He did not make it home that evening. That afternoon, a friend tried to contact my husband, leaving an urgent message to call him back. He tried several times to return the call to no avail. As we were preparing supper, an overwhelming feeling of deep concern for Ethan filled my heart. I quietly blinked back tears. I glanced out the window, half expecting to see a police officer pull up to the house, but no one arrived. However, within a few minutes, a patrol car DID pull into the driveway. In my heart, I feared the worst. My husband and I went out to meet the officer, who confirmed our fears. Hesitantly, he told us our son had fallen off of a bluff and had succumbed to his injuries. Our hearts were crushed; they still are. Yet, in all of our brokenness, deep, continual grief and loneliness, our family has such a blessed Hope and assurance that we will see our dear son and brother again. You see, when Ethan was a young boy, he was saved; he put his faith in Jesus alone to forgive his sins and to take him to Heaven when he died. He realized some very important truths from the Bible that he would want to share with you. His Story Everyone is a sinner. Sin is any violation of God’s Law. God is holy, just and righteous, and He cannot allow sin in His presence. Ethan realized that he - like all of us - had sinned; and his sin separated Him from God. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; ” (Romans 3:23) “Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:” (Romans 5:12) He understood that, because of his sin, he deserved to spend eternity in Hell. “For the wages of sin is death;” (Romans 6:23a) [Wages: price] “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:8) Ethan believed that Jesus, God’s Son, paid the price for all sin when He died on the cross - because His sinless sacrifice was the only thing that could satisfy the just demands of a righteous, holy God. Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb, but He arose the third day, triumphant over sin, death, and Hell. Jesus is alive today! “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16) “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9) Ethan was sorry for his sin, repented (turned), and received by faith the free gift that God offered to him. “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13) “...but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 6:23b) Because of this great salvation, Ethan lived his life serving Jesus. He worked hard to spread this Good News to the world. He is alive in Heaven with Jesus today; and because of this great HOPE in Christ, we know we will see him again soon - not because he was a great kid, but because of his faith in the great Saviour! “And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” (John 10:28) Your Story What about you? What if you had fallen to your death that day - What if you were to die today? Where will you spend eternity - Heaven or the Lake of Fire? There will not be any parties in the Lake of Fire. It is a place of eternal torment for those who reject God's Son. The Word of God is very clear that there is only One Way to Heaven. “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6) We did not know that Ethan would step into eternity that day; however, because he put his faith in Jesus alone for his salvation, Ethan was ready to go. Some day - perhaps today - you will take your last breath here on earth, and you will step into eternity. Where you spend eternity is determined by what you do with Jesus Christ. Will you accept Him or reject Him? You are not promised another day or another breath. Eternity begins soon - Are you ready? “...Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved…” (Acts 16:31b) “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13) “(...behold, now is the day of salvation.)” (2 Corinthians 6:2c) ****************************** This testimony has been made into a tract form as well, so if you or your church are interested in having them to pass out, please go to libertyfaith.net and you will find the contact info there. God bless! Tribute to Ethan Lakey kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5nSk5aHj5uEmJo

[@florencegay3215]

There was a lot of interesting advice from Julia Samuel here. However, I am disappointed that she missed the point entirely surrounding the guilt of the interveiewer's friend in connection to the death of his Mothet. "Did I visit enough, was there more I could have done?", I dont believe he asked those questions thinking his having done more and visited more would somehow have prevented her death. It is having to live with the knowledge we could have done better by the person we lose (using the word deliberately) and knowing we get no opportunity to put that right. Guilt and remorse are awful and futile emotions that serve no purpose other than to cause us pain and they get it in the way of simply mourning the loss of the person we so love. 'Passed away' and 'loss/lost' are terms with real meaning for many people- myself included- and insisting on using 'dead, died and death's is pedantic and unhelpful. When a person has seen the person they love most draw their last breath and held their still body in their arms, they do not need to use the words 'dead' and 'death' to accept the fact that they have gone. It is a horrific LOSS.

[@thomsonsmith95]

Hello Florence How are you doing today?

[@lailaduale7023]

Thank you for this, my mother passed away 19.09.21 I'm still struggling

[@HealthHackers]

I’m sorry Laila. 💞

[@shirleysarradet9486]

Lost my husband. I did lose a grown daughter, but a very long time ago. I need help getting through losing my husband. Not the same.

[@thomsonsmith95]

Hello Shirley How are you doing today?

[@shirleysarradet9486]

@@thomsonsmith95 Better since the anniversary of Paul's death. God's Grace. My very large family. Sweet people in my life. Good medical support. Paul's memory and his love.

[@thomsonsmith95]

@@shirleysarradet9486 Oh okay Glad to hear Where are you from if I may ask?

[@x2mars]

I'm going between those two states that you mentioned. Yes

[@geebadu4393]

Many need for coverage..during isolation &grief.

[@HealthHackers]

Thank you Gee.

[@x2mars]

How much crying is too much?

[@nosaizekor8389]

i miss my mother's love and i miss my mother's bond I still remember everything my mother went through with my delivery she told me about there was a problem when I was born I remember when my self and my mother went shopping I enjoyed my mother company I never got the chance to said goodbye to my mother when I lost my mother I hardly couldn't see her on the video she didn't look like my mother she looked different her mouth was blue I haven't even cried i am so angry that the virus took my mother it isn't the same without my mother i wish i could see my mother again i wish i could talk to my mother and tell her everything is ok i ask myself why i have lost interest in religion because it doesn't make me happy

[@HealthHackers]

I’m so sorry. 😞

[@lisas2538]

I’m so sorry for your pain. You sound like a wonderful child to you mom. I wish you peace and comfort.

[@x2mars]

Guilt is just trying to find a reason for this terrible reality

[@primeascendant797]

11:05 If laypeople understand nothing else from her talk, they have to understand this. When the family of a patient effectively forces a physician and nurses to continue life-saving care beyond the point of reasonable quality of life, instead of allowing for a dignified, palliated death, they create a cascade of moral injury and patient suffering. Unfortunately, the Western aversion to death and the Eastern idea of familial indebtedness, plus many religious beliefs about the absolute sanctity of life, create a virtually impenetrable environment for end of life discussions, especially if such conversations have been delayed until crisis. Sometimes that's unavoidable for sure, but most of the time, it's not. If we can teach kids to put condoms on bananas, we can teach them about death.

[@zachariahfletcher6606]

Why so heteronormative 🤔

[@maihoang8567]

Because it is , get over it