Healthy vs. narcissistic relationships

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@NarcSurvivor]

In a healthy relationship, your partner will listen to you. Even if you don't agree, you will still feel understood.

[@jeanette5524]

That's a really lovely and helpful description, thank you.

[@merillwalter8698]

That was the most frustrating part. He wouldn't "allow" me to have any equal input or an equal voice in the relationship. (If you can call it that by that stage.) He would interrupt me if I spoke, talk loudly over me, explode over a rational conversation or the more common one - walk out of the room before I got 3 words out. Felt very controlling.

[@allisonhogan7443]

Yes, that's it exactly.

[@dannym6552]

Hope you are long gone

[@undercoverbird8592]

Love your videos too Narc Survivor! 🤗❤️

[@ceebee1704]

Healthy Relationship: You feel safe with them. They enjoy spending time with you and are aware of your needs. Your partner listens to you without cutting you mid sentence. Your partner treats you with respect. Your partner compliments you and means it. They don't call you unkind names or make horrible jokes at your expense. If there is a problem, they will work to resolve it with you rather than try to win the argument. Your partner builds you up. They respect your boundaries and do not try to pressure you into doing anything against your values. They respect your decision. Narcissistic Relationship: Arguments are unresolved and go round in circles, time and time again. They have extreme moods. They are charming if things go well for them but have the rage if you ever disagree or say no. They don't seem to want to know about you as a person but try to rush you into being physically intimate. They use cliched phrases during the "relationship", especially during lovebombing and hoovering. "I can't live without you" "You're the one" " I want you to be the parent of my children" etc. They are childish in the way they deal with conflict. They either have temper tantrums or give you the silent treatment. They do not respect your boundaries and are extremely intrusive. Every conversation is always about their needs being met and if you hesitate, that sets them off. You feel uncomfortable and something is off. Your main emotions during the relationship are guilt, fear and shame. They simply do not respect you or treat you how you want to be treated. There's lots more.

[@TeacherMom80]

Very well said. Thank you! 💕🙏🦋

[@pineapplezzz]

Perfect description 👍🏽

[@M_OE.101]

Extremely precise!

[@adaoratheexplorer1252]

Spot on!

[@tequilajoe518]

It just felt as if this was a word to word description of my narc boyfriend

[@ohaiyoashchan]

"they won't remember things about you outside of an argument but as soon as there's a fight, they know everything"

[@dwaynejacobsen6266]

How true, was with her for four years, I work shift work, but it is always the same schedule, my work gives us a calendar for the year, which I give to the significant people in my life, not once in four years did she know or care when I worked, only cared about what I could do for her.

[@ohaiyoashchan]

@@dwaynejacobsen6266 that's awful, i'm so sorry you had to experience that!

[@denisesatt7044]

@Rachel Bronke 😄😂❤

[@Marlov24]

This 🔥💯

[@TyGoNoodles]

Narc - Sucks the life out of you. Healthy - Puts life in you.

[@meganpoole955]

About 3 months into a healthy relationship, I one day realized my new guy had never “put me down”. It’s been 6 years now. I finally learned to quit waiting, and he still hasn’t put me down or said I am incompetent.

[@francesbernard2445]

Thank you for sharing. The problem is how we recognize a genuine put down is not always clear when it is a narcissist doing so that we are getting to know better. The biggest red flag to me is when I am experiencing the bumps in a relationship in ways that are making me feel a lot of anxiety some times for no apparent right away reason. Like for example after someone says, "It's a date" - Then over and over again while together on that date being treated only like a second class citizen there. While at the same time on that 'date' overhearing them discuss with a buddy of the same gender their plans for a real date with someone else. If someone does an abrupt change in the way they are treating you only because you are not impressed with their controlling of you too behavior to their liking and so they are off to the races to find a replacement right away during the first year of your friendship while treating you like only a second class citizen from time to time in more than one situation in ways no one else will notice right away then that is a red flag too.

[@mikebouley298]

P

[@sararichardson737]

Home free. So happy to hear.

[@elisbedore]

I ended a narcissistic verbally abusive relationship 2 years ago. Now another one. Every 2 months he has the Moment of insults on me and My children. Then he Is all nice and kind. Thanks God he Is faraway I am trying to close but very hard

[@tamarkikvidze-k4m]

I am so happy for you and I hope I will be in that place too one day soon

[@Zarasha1]

In a healthy relationship you can actually tell them things about your life that hurts you or embarrass you and it won't be used against you later on. Every unhealthy relationship I ever had used my hurts and insecurities as a weapon against me.

[@mariesene224]

Yesss

[@reinhardgayle4286]

Yes I told mine had I Childhood trauma from having my stuff thrown out the house. And guess what the very next big fight she went an entire hour trying to throw my stuff outside it’s like she had super human energy that day I was winded and she was still going mind you I’m fit and works out a lot she doesn’t go to the or anything it was she had almost demon endurance and strength when I got tired .

[@alexxx4434]

That's kind of a great test of relationships. If they ever exploit your vulnerabilities you can be absolutely sure you're in bad relationships.

[@KayCeeTX21]

This. Absolutely. When I met my husband (who is the opposite of a narcissist!) He pointed out that I was often silent. To most people i appeared to be an active and very good listener. The underlying function of that however was that i had learned that any admission or expression of vulnerability would be used against me. So I gave nothing at all as a protective measure. It has been a long term effort to over come that tendency to shut down.

[@ruthdeliah2]

He calls me a secret squirrel. That i keep secrets. That if the world knew the real me they would be horrified. The truth is do keep my personal stuff to myself because he claims to be an open book. He hides nothing. But i am not like that. The world will neither benefit nor loose from not knowing my personal business. 😒

[@AshleyOlivia90]

❤️ first thing I noticed after several narcissists in a row was that in my (first!) healthy relationship i didn’t have to ASK for affection, it was just freely given

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Ashley N,That's the the perfect explanation of a healthy relationship

[@SurvivorC]

WOW! I wonder what that’s like.

[@gigijoon7663]

I keep asking and the response is " fuck, I guess I'm just not good enough for you"

[@um_from_umbridge7285]

@@gigijoon7663 lol mine told me "I aint got time to be up ur @ss all the time?!!!? This ain't the note book!!!" Lmao

[@cteresa2036]

This hit hard. Or beg to be seen

[@bhaminivenkat]

A healthy relationship is about you AND your partner whereas a narcissistic relationship is mostly only about your narcissistic partner and how you can fall in line with their life, adjust yourself and put yourself through trauma just so that they get validated.

[@MeribelMGoldwin]

Spot on!!!

[@djdebssuperlawyersjusticeu9855]

Excellent 👍👌😊⚖️💖💖👌👌👌😀😀😀 comments

[@djdebssuperlawyersjusticeu9855]

XOXOXO 😘💞❤️💋😘💕 HEAL NOW FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSERS

[@sanacionhealing]

Very true

[@user-we7go7ed3l]

Thanks for the realization. I needed to be mindful of this.

[@cwb1259]

Been dating a “healthy” girl for the past year after being with a narc for over 20. Strange how peaceful it is. It’s just nice. I do struggle with how consistent it’s been. I feel like my whole life has been spent putting out fires or walking on eggshells.

[@paulbaker3144]

Thanks for sharing a healthy story. Ive been wondering about a easy going down to earth partner. I’m so attracted to narcs I actually started thinking about dating people I’m not attracted to. Well not letting them sweep me off my feet so to speak. Ordinary sounds great. My GF keeps promising it will become ordinary but so far it hasn’t. I’m going to try and keep it a open book for a little longer.

[@robynnbryar1977]

#CWB Congratulations!!!

[@Daniel-bs8wv]

I can relate to this. Dating someone stable and secure after someone narcissistic almost feels surreal. I have to get used to how consistent it is too lol - but I'm very grateful. It feels healing being with someone who assumes the best of you instead of walking through a minefield, wondering if the next thing you do or say will set the person off

[@francesbernard2445]

In my experience how inconsistent it feels depends a whole lot too on the kind of crowds someone whom I am dating is spending time in too only because I am such an open person that many people here in this city where I live know my life story which is far from ideal. The only solution for me is to take it at snail's pace when it comes to me allowing someone to get to know me in that way. Since I never want to end up feeling like I am having to please the entire oil industry here in Alberta while dating as a senior person now when competing with women less than half my age too at the same time - That so called 'heaven' during dating can wait after I have let go altogether of the possibility of snagging Mr. Right instead of only just relating well to someone of the opposite sex no matter what later what hardships one or both of us will be having to go through. A long time ago I met a man to date like that however after he revealed his feelings for me in our friendship I didn't see a future for us at the time because I just wasn't ready to be in a healthy relationship with anyone at the time. Now I regret it because then I lost a friend too when admitting to him that kind of feeling at the time was too one sided. I lost touch with him soon after. Maybe while both of us were growing as people only because both of us had to make frequent moves across town. He was the same age as me and average looking like me. So don't give up on the possibility of you marrying someone who is healthy again while cultivating friendships with women.

[@momfromnj911]

Totally hear you

[@kristenheatherei-star8254]

In a healthy relationship you build one another up...it’s fulfilling. A narcissist just looks at you as an emotional punching bag or mirror to reflect their “glory”

[@jcsrst]

To be in a "healthy" relationship you need to be healthy yourself, otherwise you will only be excited by the "unhealthy" option.

[@ayeshasaeed7996]

Exactly n this is very important thing to understand sooner than later bcz I think if we fall for narcissist we might have something not normal running inside our mind.

[@80islandia]

Took me nearly 40 years to learn this lesson. You are 100% correct.

[@jcsrst]

@@80islandia Haha! It's taken me my whole 57 years!! Still not sure I've got it though!!

[@vicbaker8367]

@@jcsrst : you and me both.

[@shellym1736]

@@jcsrst so true. Blaming is easy all the times. We also need to check our own toxic traits, otherwise we keep falling for toxic people (narcs or not).

[@jacobopstad5483]

That desire to rescue someone and believing in "the one" is exactly what got me into a narcissistic relationship.

[@lex8799]

Me too

[@whistlepiglet]

Me too 😔

[@katarinaceric164]

Ditto

[@lauralycans9537]

Same

[@jackdorsey5677]

Me too

[@cBe9999]

"every fight with a narcissist is a dirty fight" - my god, if only someone had told me that 20-30 years ago

[@vincescuadrado]

Dirty as hell

[@butslug]

when you feel alone and your in a relationship. that's a huge red flag.

[@sheilaprice1942]

Amen sis!! Just that alone should speak volumes. Sad to say it took me 36 yrs to learn that. I hope someone reads your your comment and NOT wait 36 yrs. Blessings to you 🙏🏼❤️

[@butslug]

I was really lucky. when I started to feel the loneliness we'd only been together for 13 months. 36 years is so hard to imagine. That must really be tough because you have so many memories. I'm glad your out and listening to these videos

[@sheilaprice1942]

@@butslug I just left on Sunday😰 A video came up on my feed the gentleman man is Vernon Howard. I was so down and depressed. This man spoke to the cobwebs in my head for 36 yrs. His talk but the lead back in my spine. Check him😏 As always when listening to anyone I have learned to chew on the meat and spit out the bones😉

[@butslug]

there are so many good ones on here. Angie Atkinson is really good to. I listened almost constantly my first month out.

[@sheilaprice1942]

@@butslug Thank you 🙏🏼 If you think of anymore......please let me know. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@dianewalters6605]

I've never had one healthy relationship in my entire life. Not one. I feel like an alien on some Planet Narcissist where the elusive healthy person is an extinct being. Thank you for your videos. Such a breath of sanity here.

[@MakeMeLo]

I'm the same. I turn 41 soon. I'm sure there's a lot more like us.

[@jesseashby659]

Same here! I've stopped dating completely because I just can't go through that again

[@lightimagay00]

me too. i just broke up from my 3rd unhealthy relationship and i'm so tired. i really just want something healthy for once and I wonder to myself do healthy relationships even exist at all or am I really just unlucky? i've never even witnessed a healthy relationship in my life. my parents werent healthy, theyre now divorced and both of their new relationships w their fiancees are unhealthy. my friends relationships are unhealthy and their parents too are unhealthy. do healthy relationships then maybe exist but are like super very rare? as i said, i'm really tired

[@mamasstorytimesleep5742]

I'm wondering what's wrong with me

[@allisonhazen5323]

Same here. I’ve kind of had one or two but the bull have been utter narc nightmares. Signing my divorce papers tomorrow; I have to save myself for my child.

[@mymiche11e]

Communication in a healthy relationship is mutual. Never felt heard or understood with a narcissist. In a relationship with a narcissist, it’s all one-sided. A healthy relationship feels warm, free, light, and encouraging. A relationship with a narcissist feels cold, hurtful, and like you are spinning your wheels in the mud. A relationship with a narcissist comes at a cost, you will sacrifice everything and it’s never enough.

[@ozgurerman]

True, with a narcissist, you listen their monologues. In a healthy relationship, there is dialogue.

[@hugmc]

Yes you’re head is spinning in insanity 🙏

[@XaibaSal]

@@ozgurerman yes yes yes. I try having dialogue and he only gives a shoulder shrug, nod, smirk or a monologue.

[@MsRasheed9]

Can relate to every word you have written

[@merillwalter8698]

Communication is not reciprocal. There's often double standards about basic respect like just being heard or feeling safe enough to speak the truth. Thank god I'm out.

[@dhanyaslifeventure]

Healthy relationship: love,respect,care,.narc- cheat,affairs,disrespect, pain,abandonment

[@mjayanthi3425]

Ah very true First of all they do not know what love means Not only to life partners But for parents and siblings also. If the parents die they cry or show sadness because others do If siblings going through health or Any issues They show concerns , but they are not real They want to appear real in front of others , the public image is important to them Dr ramani is soo right 200% percent Each and every word in this video is true God bless you dr ramani for educating the community

[@dhanyaslifeventure]

@@mjayanthi3425 candid

[@elliemay7569]

Deception is how they roll.

[@ButtercupYeshua]

Text & call 10x a day - live bomb

[@falgunipattni8238]

very true Shilpa, they cheat n lie whn caught n whn i said wht if it was me. response was i am a man n we r different

[@christinex5821]

My marriage to a narcissist is a toxic one. He’s cruel to me and sooooooo charming on the outside. I just learned the term “gas light.” I always felt those feelings but referred to it as a “mind f*”. He has felt entitled to cheat on me. It’s rare that he’ll apologize for anything but when he does it’s with heavy sarcasm, “well I’m SORRY.” I’m thinking “well, he apologized,” but of course, he didn’t. I’ve been married to him for 23 years. I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world but it has become a living nightmare. We are now separated for 18 months and I’m starting to detox. I admit there’s still a very strong bond but I now see how damaging it is - almost suicidal.

[@lindsayblair5181]

Hope all is well ❤️

[@maggiemgee5418]

Don't forget the classic: "Im sorry BUT..."

[@jessicamerced9116]

@@maggiemgee5418 Yep, and when you set boundaries to not communicate for some time, 15 minutes later they keep complaining they "JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE.." but when you give the chance they start complaining about what you did to upset them.

[@93Hiroko]

Im really sorry you went through that. You dont deserve that

[@93Hiroko]

I was only with my ex for 8yrs and I felt lost at the idea of losing someone that close. It is painful but its a bullet/arrow you need to eventually pull out.

[@sheiladay9775]

After I divorced my husband many years ago and then talked to him with grandchildren, etc., I realized that he did not know me. He never knew me. The relationship was about him, not me or our children. I am so happy I left when they were still very young.

[@annabananna789]

I’m in a healthy relationship with my husband and I can guarantee that on the outside it looks ordinary and unlike the stuff you see in romcoms, which I always thought was something I wanted. Growing up in an unstable home, there’s something so comforting about the “mundane”. Our every day acts of love are more memorable and dear to me than the grandiose shows of affection. We’re far from perfect of course. Over the years we’ve grown as people with each other’s help and still continue to learn. In that way, it’s never truly “boring”

[@annnyambura3091]

True I have learnt this... Amazing partner don't usually seem like the ideal romantic Partner to the world but the do sure make you feel like a queen.

[@liviamoreiralima3536]

That's so sweet. I feel like i deserve this but need to give people a chance first, i am far too closed up, from all the trauma.

[@winnieamar9368]

Yes! Perfectly put! But it's really sad that most movies,books and tv shows present such an unhealthy picture of love that we grow up with. It really disorients what love should look like. I'd rather feel safe with my partner than be swept off my feet. Unfortunately ,it took a toxic relationship for me to learn this valuable lesson. But often the pursuit of knowing what you want comes from knowing what you don't want!

[@annnyambura3091]

@@winnieamar9368 Safe is the key word.

[@annnyambura3091]

For me I decided to base my relationship on the bible. The bible says husband love your wives as Christ loved the church giving himself up for her. If a man can't sacrifice for you they don't love you. A man ought to be connected to God for him to love properly

[@candicebadie3463]

To sum up what I learned; narcissistic relationship is hard, healthy relationship is easy! That was the difference!

[@triplekids3]

I totally agree with you

[@Singleredrose]

Do easy relationships exist?

[@d.z.9821]

@@Singleredrose On the easier side then :)

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Candice F,you are absolutely right 🤙

[@SimplyMindy4u]

I am so thankful my doctor referred me to you. Lord, please heal me and all who have been in a narcissistic relationship.

[@kellyheflin685]

Amen. 🙏

[@zurigee6]

Amen

[@RepentTimeIsAtHand]

Beloved standing in agreement with you. Praying for those who have despitefully used us.

[@bernicesosa566]

AMEN!!

[@leannepayne562]

I feel like god is my narcissistic parent... dogma forced on me since birth by parents, having to make decisions about my immortal soul (confirmation) before my brain is fully formed! I'm trying to figure out what I believe. Song lyrics: ...willing to believe in something, forgetting to believe in me... Why are humans made imperfect then punished, perhaps eternally in Hades, for a drop of sin in the bucket of Life and the endless stream of time? Hmmm... that same god blessed his worshipers with stolen land, approved of the torture and subjugation of the lands' rightful owners... that religion won't even give society an accurate representation of their lord... from that neck of the world blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin? Thought the bible said feet of brass and white wooly hair... hmmmmmmmm

[@billhoward532]

We should start to say; 'crazy-making' rather than 'gaslighting' - crazy-making is much more descriptive.

[@janecalhoun153]

Totally agree with you, Bill! After so many times of arguments, I used to say many times to myself and to my ex, “this is crazy making!” I had no idea it was gaslighting. I’m happy to know other people feel this way and am on high alert for this type of behavior.

[@nosiphodywili35]

Lol I've always been able to stand up for myself so if someone tried to gaslight me it never worked... Like denying actual evidence ... I always thought there was something wrong with them instead of thinking I'm the one who's wrong because we both have eyes and we are seeing that the sky is blue why are we now going to argue about it because the other person has a sickness.

[@spookywitch0x0]

Ah "crazy making" ✋😩 that's the right word for gaslighting ‼

[@vhayashi7369]

I agree

[@143BLT]

True, but I love the movie and I think everyone should see it, Gaslight

[@ambslouise1]

I feel like my narcissistic relationship actually felt slow, it went so fast at the beginning with the love bombing then suddenly stopped and it never went further than that, I don’t feel like there was any real connection and I was so bored, dates felt empty it’s like we didn’t even talk? It was just alcohol and trying to take advantage of me. when I cut him off I went on a coffee date for a few hours and felt more connection and genuine care than I ever felt in that year long traumatic narcissistic situationship

[@samarahaq4958]

toxic partners can rub their stench off on you and negatively affect your future relationships. their shitty behavior can sometimes act as a blueprint for how things might play out between you and someone who might actually be good for you. makes me so damn angry.

[@gigibtsurvivor3348]

For lack of a better descriptor, healthy relationships are “boring”. It’s a good thing.

[@shuifeng1333]

Right! ❤️

[@shellym1736]

Absolutely agree. I would rather use the term "non-glamorous", or "drama-free", kind of very monotonous. Because they are totally at peace with themselves. Have seen so many friends in such healthy relationships.

[@sf4010]

Yeah boring is correct term, many narcissistic people claim they want drama free which means fake and ignoring/not dealing with conflict in a healthy manner...especially if they are to be held accountable

[@shellym1736]

@@sf4010 I relate to this. One had this very composed and collected demeanour about him and claimed to hate conflict. For him, talking about an imperative issue that requires depth and understanding, meant "overthinking ", and he would never "overthink"- "it's for people who don't have any work to do" that's what he said. Obviously communication is very tough with these people, so I begun accumulating stuffs in me, but the day I finally confronted him, was a bit storming upon (ofcourse I had to someday), he discarded me totally! 🤣 Because you know, he "hates conflicts! " 🤣 I think these people are different from healthy people in a way that their "claims" don't match with their realities. They are big claimers!

[@sf4010]

@@shellym1736 yep thats exactly what I experienced

[@queenberry6000]

It truly is a freeing experience. I met my narc when I was young. I was so naive, unexperienced sexually and had a long history of abuse in my childhood. Practically a gold mine to him lol. He was older and took advantage. Well after 8 long years of back and forth, discard, as well as emotional, physical and mental abuse I finally got the courage to leave him and it’s been nothing but blessings ever since. Literally as soon as I let him go God blessed me with the man He called me to marry ❤️. It was hard in the beginning but my fiancé was so patient and loved me through all my healing. To this day my narc still tries to linger periodically but I no longer give a damn! The best way I can describe the difference is one makes you thrive and the other makes you cry. Be blessed y’all. You deserve all the love you give! It’s not worth it.

[@AmandySue]

This gives me hope that I can leave my toxic relationship and find someone good for me

[@Thang4321]

A normal relationship gives me more peace. A relationship with a nar was up and down, She made me feel like I was a king and a slave in a same time, unhealthy. After breaking up with a nar, I only want peace, I don’t even want to be loved

[@shreyashichatterjee4707]

I am scared of being loved or even being attractive to anyone..i just want myself back

[@no.ise.berlin]

same

[@ThimbleFox350]

@@shreyashichatterjee4707 me too, like I make myself ugly on purpose in public (will never wear makeup or my hair down) because I just don't want anyone to see me in that way and when I notice someone "checking me out" which is a perfectly normal thing for them to do I just feel a really high level of anxiety because I have so much trauma from the relationship

[@alinadolzhenko6963]

In a non-narcissistic relationship: - My boundaries are respected in every single way. - My partner respects my emotions and supports me when I'm depressed, and actually finds a perfect way to be next to me when I cry. - I feel comfortable and safe all the time I'm with my partner. - He supports all my interests. - He respects and is really nice to all my friends and all my family and actually initiates contacting them a lot. - He admits he made a mistake if I tell him I don't feel comfortable about something. - No jealousy at all. We're usually equally interested in people we like and don't compete for each other's attention (well I used to a bit). - No feeling of guilt or shame because of my partner (although some other people still can make me feel that sometimes) - I know it won't be a problem to split up if I ever decide to. In a narcissistic relationship: - I wasn't allowed to decide, where my boundaries were the narcissist intruded in the toilet, when I was inside, just because he wanted to see me there. I was forced to provide sex, even though I used to cry and bet not to. For not agreeing to be raped, I was blamed for being a bad, unloving person (I was actually in love with him before the relationship and for a while in the relationship). - He shouted at me every time he needed something: to let him rape me, to marry him, to change my maiden name to his family name, to go on a trip I couldn't go to because of my job and study. - He didn't like some of my family members. - I was punished when I cried: the narcissist shouted at me because for him most of my reasons were not good enough to give me the right to cry. - I was told to give up the activity I loved: I danced regularly and the narcissist claimed it was not healthy to be too fond of something like I was fond of dancing. - He attended a couple of events where I was performing, after that he said he was not interested. - There was a lot of jealousy and suspicion that I cheated on him. - The narcissist constantly offended my friends, he used adjectives like stupid, ugly, etc. - The narcissist could mock the way I talk in front of his friends (I didn't really spend much time with mine and actually because of him I hardly had any). - I constantly felt guilt and dreamt of getting out of that relationship. - I knew it was almost impossible to get out of it, and it turned out incredibly hard to, because no one supported me in this decision and many people blamed me for "hurting" their beloved narcissist because I decided to divorce him.

[@Em-pt4fm]

Hi Alina, I so very much hope that you managed to get out and have found a way to heal especially from the sexual trauma which inflicts so much injury on all levels. I hope you found the strength to begin a new wonderful life for yourself.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

For me the biggest different is cognitive dissonance. "What the hell just happened"? You shrink, wonder, withdraw, embarrassed, question, doubt...and, with my true friends- I receive a validating eye contact, smile or words. Good friends respond, feels good. I relax. Nark responds, I feel pinged, stung, belittled...or like I have to defend myself. I'm on high alert.

[@ninamontrosse5588]

Respect and trust was the difference between the two.

[@djdebssuperlawyersjusticeu9855]

HOW CAN U GET RESPECT FROM A PREDATORS ABUSE????? YOU CAN'T DON'T BOTHER THE NARCISSISTIC ABUSERS ARE PREDATORS OF ABUSE!!! THEY ARE GREAT AT ,BEING COMPULSIVE , PATHOLOGICAL LIARS.....THEIFS, AND PREDATORS OF ABUSE IS THE DIFFERENCE.... THEY ARE OFTEN SEXUAL PREDATORS OF ABUSE TOWARDS CHILDREN GIRLS WOMEN AND ANIMALS

[@djdebssuperlawyersjusticeu9855]

XOXOXO 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘 HEAL NOW 🙏🙏❤️🙏🙏🛐🛐⚔️🤩❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@alexmartinez918]

How can one who doesn't matter in the eyes of another get respect? The premise of narcissists is that they matter and you don't. You are just a source of supply.

[@lovinlife1899]

Punishment is a biggee...in narc relationship, even in early stage, if their ego isn’t stroked you get punished in a covert way. That does not happen in a healthy relationship.

[@carolnahigian9518]

Narcisist either GUSH you are .”’best”. Or snotty dismissive / NO HAPPY MEDIUM!

[@maryvelneelemantenaya1966]

S. MILLER - EXCELLENT ! It's what I'm doing right now... Even though the outcome for me is hideously negitive, I've already dealt with a slew of Narcs. I leave one in exchange for another... I'm not even talking about romantic relationships. Family members and some friends. I do however have TWO wonderful girlfriends that have my back.

[@maryvelneelemantenaya1966]

@@SM-jw5si I forgot how to thread to someone... I answered below someone else.

[@carolnahigian9518]

Dr RAMANI MY NARCISIST BROTHER is a lawyer! Ugly-and wants to hold a grudge/ how he loves to HATE ME..63 years

[@djdebssuperlawyersjusticeu9855]

True🎼🏳️‍🌈🙏😎⚔️⚖️⚔️😎🙏🎼🎼🙏⚔️⚖️👻👻👻👻👻 HAPPY HALLOWEEN 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀😈😈👿😈😈👿😈👿💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

[@VitalNeubeat]

Watching these has made me realize that I am 33 and have never had or even know what a healthy relationship looks like. I have only ever been with narcissists. During this pandemic, I realized that my father and most of my older family members on both sides are pathological narcs and I immediately got a therapist and started watching your videos. But Dr. Ramani, through your dedication and thorough guidance on this topic, it has really grounded me in truth & reality, helping me learn an entirely new way of approaching relationships. Thank you for making this video to compare and shine a light on what "healthy" is supposed to look like, because honestly I didn't even fully realize that I had no idea. It helps to balance the offset of getting too caught up in the grief of unhealthy patterns and start consciously replacing them with good ones. My gratitude for you is immense. I'm also sharing your videos with my younger sister, mother, and aunt. We all struggle the same. It will end with us. Thank you for your contribution xx

[@v29j24]

With a narcissist, male, you will feel as you are NEVER HEARD. Even for the smallest thing like what to get for takeout.....it will always be what he wants. In a healthy relation you will have a voice.

[@meg3839]

True, but female narcs can be just as bad. It really depends more on the type of narc or individual rather than gender.

[@serenityjewel]

Not for covert male relationships. My ex was fine with my making every decision. He loved being cared for.

[@v29j24]

@@serenityjewel Interesting. These men have a sick obsession with control so it’s interesting your ex wasn’t this way too.

[@rarapwibawa4391]

THE ACCURACY!! I'll be surprise if my narcissistic ex would wake up one day and ask "what do you want us to do today? What do you want to eat?" it always his choice of food, his choice of music etc

[@LordCutlerBeckett]

This! I would make so many suggestions of things we could do together and I’d be met with “that’s boring” or “that’s too much work.” If I pushed or begged enough he’d begrudgingly do something I wanted to do, but would roll his eyes and act very bothered by it the whole time.

[@casandra4904]

Been married for almost 7 years and I'm so tired of being misunderstood and having to always justify myself.

[@amitagupta8853]

Tiring and draining

[@dawnrodriguez5261]

I didn’t marry it but was in it 6 years. Now out , all I can say is I can breathe again. Get out ! Get out and stay out.

[@carolinavillanueva2099]

I have been on both and one of the biggest differences are in the healthy one you both want to make up after a fight and with a narcissist there is no apology they did nothing wrong.

[@carolynmccall7592]

Wow, yes. My last narcissist NEVER APOLOGIZED for anything. Actually, one time I forced him to apologize for an accusation I proved wrong. I would not stop until he apologized. He finally did....while laughing and being dismissive .

[@mrnobody5150]

My X never felt sorry nor said sorry.

[@easylife1738]

Mine never apologizes, he blames me for everything. He says: " Maybe I didn't react ok, but I did that because of you" or "you made me hide things from you because you are jelous" or " I don't even remember why we start fighting because you said so many stupid things and you are very sensitive" and the list could go on and on...

[@easylife1738]

@@carolynmccall7592 The same with mine, unfortunately we are together for 16 years and I am trapped in this relationship...I can't get out....

[@letym2271]

Or they apologize but gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting and invalidating your feelings and boundaries.

[@leannesmith1207]

To start with, healthy relationships felt extremely uncomfortable for me because I was suspicious of people's genuine kindness and interest in me as a person who I really am. I felt that I wasn't good enough to be their friend in case I would make a mess of the conversation, or if there's something really wrong with me that they would eventually see.

[@amelajay]

I get this! I think that is part of the importance of getting therapy, establishing a healthy lifestyle, and growing for some time before entering into any other relationship.

[@leannesmith1207]

@@amelajay thank you for the reply :) Glad to hear I'm not alone. Absolutely agree, therapy has been amazing

[@reginageorge3178]

OMG YES THIS IS WHAT I FELT BUT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE.

[@leannesmith1207]

@@reginageorge3178 It's hard to know what's going on when you're in the thick of it

[@Kimmievanreenen]

In my healthy relationship I never felt lied to or manipulated and I felt I could always be myself. In the narc relationship I was always tired, never felt like myself, was anxcious all the time, I hid myself for people. Overall it just didn't feel right, except for the love bombing stage, which lasted about a year I think.

[@joy6yy]

Every mother should share this video with their daughter(s) of age. I wish I watched this earlier. Girls listen to your gut- we know; we always know. We just need to be wise enough to listen to that lone voice inside all along ❤️❤️❤️

[@Deadpan72]

My mother is a narcissist and I was married to a narcissist for 26 years. It is important for all children to understand healthy relationships.

[@Picca65]

Safety, no drama, joy, feeling relaxed and peaceful, being yourself, being ok with not being perfect, it's ok to make mistakes, good communication. Narc: tumultuous, a lot of drama and confusion, never feeling good enough (!), always looking for appreciation, real affection, real connection on an emotional level, etc.

[@artemismoonreiki]

I was in a narcissistic relationship with my first boyfriend. I had been too terrified of other people to date until I was 28 years old and was desperate. So I took up with a guy I wasn't a big fan of, but he was the only guy offering. He was so self-deprecating and sounded like someone who had such poor self esteem and made me feel uncomfortable. But after a few dates, I started feeling like we could heal each other. Big mistake. He constantly brought up old girlfriends like he was always comparing us. He talked openly about a trip he took with his last girlfriend in detail and then said, "hey, we should go there!" What, so you can relive a memory with an old flame? He openly told me our first date that he had front row tickets to a concert he had bought "to impress another girl" but would I go? That first night he gave me a gift of a scanty lingerie. I was too inexperienced to realize any of this was weird. And I even wondered if that gift had been re-appropriated from said other girl he was trying to woo. Throughout the first year he kept trying to get me to grow my hair long, and buy certain clothes, because that's what he liked on women...as I saw pictures of his last girlfriend to accentuate the point... He got into horrible fights with my parents, so much that they hated him and I got the third degree from them as well. I felt like I was living a double life. I couldn't talk about my relationship with my parents, nor mention any recommendation from my dad to my boyfriend without him flying off the handle that I was considering doing something in a way HE did not condone or come up with first. When none of my friends liked him, and I had to preface any get together to my friends to not contradict him because he gets upset... that should have told me a lot. After a year, he no longer wanted to touch me or spend time with me. He blamed both on me. He had no interest in what I did for a living or hobbies I had. When I expressed a need for counseling with him, he at first said he would, and then pinned the need for it on me solely. I was always wrong, even if I was doing something the way he had demanded I do it two days before. He was a constant walking contradiction, and always felt he was one second away from dropping me like a hot potato at a moment's notice. I never felt safe, and after a while, felt like he earnestly did not like me. Contrast that with my husband who asks about everything I do so he understands the process of all my artistic pursuits, initiates intimacy, and will even take a sick day out of work to be with me on my birthday. We respect each other and discuss everything, without blame or shame.He gets along with my parents to a fault, despite how he hates seeing how they treat me. I feel so lucky to have found him. Sure, I have nightmares where he leaves me because I finally was "too much" for him, but that's just old wounds resurfacing. He is so special.

[@ashtonmcphaul3467]

This spoke to me deeply. Thanks for sharing

[@thepeatbog]

Me, too, thank you for sharing your story.

[@chicker2988]

This touched home for me; it’s like you were telling the story of my relationship now. Ending it.

[@meg3839]

Yeah, the comparison part is weird and creepy, but I guess not uncommon. Mine would constantly bring up his ex-wife, even detailing their "great" sex life at times and repeat it over the years, even if calling her nuts and everything else in the book (she cheated on and left him and was rather vicious). Heck, even decades later. At first, I thought it was because they dated in high school, but it was just this tick with him and no doubt learned behavior too as another sibling of his would be pretty cruel to his wife. I felt like I not only had to deal with narcissism but was being punished for everything she ever did, was less than, and just for existing as a woman. And I'm probably not far off the mark. Glad you got out okay!

[@Lindsey0007]

I hope I can find someone like your husband

[@jbilotta]

Whoa, I had to pause this video because my ex narc used to drive like a maniac. He used to excuse himself by saying he could be a racecar driver. I've know two REAL racecar drivers. In fact, I'm a damn good driver myself but I don't drive recklessly and make people afraid in my car. He used to get SO angry at people that he'd weave in and out of traffic, leaving a few inches between the cars when passing. It made me sick to my stomach being in the car with him. He never stopped driving this way after repeated requests from me. If that's not narcissism, I don't know what is. You're playing with someone's life/safety with a moving vehicle.

[@jbilotta]

@Mira Image - oh my GOD! I am so sorry. Believe me, I'm embarrassed the shit I put up with but I forgive myself because I needed to understand a boatload of information and process what happened. I hope you are ok now?!!

[@jbilotta]

@Mira Image - Just keep getting better

[@teresarenee3829]

It's one of the FIRST things I hated about him.....and we fought constantly about it....

[@vhayashi7369]

Yep! My ex Narc husband and Narc sister drove very recklessly and it was scary riding with them! My ex crashed every car he ever had! My sister flipped her car!

[@jbilotta]

@@vhayashi7369 Good Lord - if a person doesn't even care about your safety... I don't care what label it is, I want to stay far away from that person as I don't want to die! PS, all these crazy drivers will be first in line to say, "I'm an amazing driver."

[@kittyblossom7342]

I've never been in a healthy relationship 😭😭😭 More videos on this will be greatly appreciated.

[@amitagupta8853]

We get help from God, in some way 🙏

[@lisagrace6471]

Agreed!

[@starrysoup]

You deserve for someone to ACTUALLY care about you and listen to you!! So don't EVER settle 💅 even if you want the attention from the lovebombing narcissist, it's not worth the years of trauma and abuse they will def give you.

[@TatianaNeva]

Just wanna let you know that I dated a couple narcissists and first dates were pretty ordinary. Sometimes they don’t fit into those red flags and sometimes they do. But it’s good to be aware. I actually “dodged a few bullets” lately thanks to people like you who educate people like me. Thank you so much!!! 🙏🏻

[@allisonoh8183]

Would LOVE a video about healthy family relationships. I’m always wondering what healthy sibling or parent/child relationships look like.

[@kate6458]

What a great idea!

[@Janehuayarmy]

Yes!

[@dearbeloved4842]

I don’t even know what a normal relationship is 😞 Thank you for this video.

[@falgunipattni8238]

same here

[@stephanieorme2950]

Neither do I

[@dianakarinafoghdrejer3785]

The difference is now so obvious to me! Almost 11/2 years ago I changed the locks to my house. Finally I managed to put my foot down. Shortly after I meet the nicest, cutest man. Believe me. I was on guard! Everything he did and still does is exactly as described by Ramani! Finally, I have the strenght to continue my dream of becoming self-employed and support others who have experienced what it means to live in a big lie. Welcome out of the fog! Listen and learn from what your body is screaming at you. Best regards Diana

[@AnFithich]

Feeling the need to rescue someone, as a red flag; thank you SO MUCH for covering this. They ask for your help whenever they feel you pulling away and trying to live your own life, and because they are self-pitying, or seem vulnerable, even crying or berating themselves to make you feel sorry for them, it doesn't fit with our typical expectations of a charismatic, grandiose narcissist. The best way it was described to me is, they get what they want. Some narcissists want praise, others want pity. Some want to be esteemed and use their skills to gain prestige, while others play a victim role and actively seek caregivers and empaths who will provide for them, without every returning the same level of affection, respect or appreciation. Even when the shouting and berating, neglect and depreciation begin to be overwhelming, they will constantly give you just enough hope that they'll change, that it's not their fault, that it's their upbringing, or bad habits. But when confronted with the opportunity to change, they shift the blame back to you, causing self doubt, and gaslighting you into thinking you're in the wrong, to sensitive, not understanding enough or at fault in some way. For reference I was in 2 relationships, both of 7 years. I knew what a healthy loving relationship was from my first partner, we didn't work out and most of that was on me. But I knew what it was to feel loved and appreciated. Even people who have had healthy romantic relationships can get caught in narcissistic ones if they have had family and platonic relationships that normalised narcissism and gaslighting. Be strong enough to believe you can do better, set boundaries, enforce boundaries, keep your friends close, and don't let them wear away your vibrant soul. If you see red flags, get out, it never gets better. I saw them at the beginning, and kept trying to fix myself to be 'good enough' but of course it never worked. If anyone read this and is still in a narcissistic relationship, do what you need to do to get out. You cannot save someone like this. If they wanted to change, they would put in the effort and change.

[@silvinatolli1]

For me being in a healthy relationship made me see that is easy! No more dramas all the time! No walking on eggshells, feel you can talk about everything and to see that the other person puts the same effort in making the relationship work and being happy together! I’m so grateful to be where I am now! 💕

[@anne12876]

When I started an healthy relationship after 4 years in a toxic one, I was struck easy the relationship was and how happy and joyful I was. I was not used to it. I was poking myself and kept saying it was too good to be true. We could be happy and without a fight for THAT long. There must be something wrong! My non-toxic bf was making for of me for thinking that relationships are like the ones in soap operas. But, for 4 years, my life was like a soap opera. Each week brought its lot of plot twists, fights and crisis. I was constantly on the edge. Each time I was feeling happy, I was telling myself that feeling won't last. Soon enough, something will came up to break the spirit.

[@mariesene224]

Yes you always know the happy feeling won't last, so you even stop being happy. I'm always angry now. I have anxiety.

[@G.G.8GG]

Along with that perfection is the ability to look affable and gregarious around others for business reasons. Then when alone, the icy, hypercritical behavior resumes, while the people you just left are thinking what a wonderful, successful person your narcissist is. The other people can even be your extended family, leaving you looking like the one with a problem and with no one to talk to.

[@sheilaprice1942]

OMG! For sure you hit the nail of the head. Dealing with Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde. They know how to play up to people. The covert is the worst.. sneaky and mind games. Blessings sis🙏🏼❤️

[@vp5134]

I can so relate

[@sharongriffiths9058]

yeh the public face of a narc vs the real behind closed doors face

[@katelynbreanna4188]

I left my marriage to a narcissist over 3 years ago. This video is so accurate of our dating and early relationship. Now I’m back in the dating world and everything feels boring. It’s definitely an adjustment but a welcome sense of peace and calm.

[@kimtutorials3114]

One of the things to watch for at the beginning of the relationship with a narcissist is his/her ways of make you mistrust your friends, your family members, people who are close to you; when he/she asks you to be suspecious about athers. Its a malicious way to control you by alienating you from the people who you trust, the narcissist will use triangulation method, lies and creat fights... to end your relationship with others just so they can be in full control.

[@falgunipattni8238]

this is sooooooooo true

[@cathywilson7101]

Ha! Spot on! NEVER move into a narcissists place! It will never feel like YOUR home!

[@shawnicomeaux7425]

Letting them move in with you is no better. They will slowly try to take over

[@JustJenRx]

I’ve been watching all of your videos. I’m shocked that I didn’t even realize I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship. I’m so blinded that I don’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like!!! Thank you for this!!! I needed this one.

[@amyhagar5861]

When you were talking about people justifying the narcissist behavior I thought about how that applies to me. Coming from an abusive ichildhood I don't see me justifying the narcissist today. What I have learned is is to take little pieces of kindness and ignore the rest. Taking crumbs instead of Holding out for a loaf. Thanks to your videos I am learning that love and abuse don't belong in the same sentence. Thank you so so much.

[@SaharaAP]

Now that my boundaries are much more healthy and firm I can spot covert narc easily . When they come out with their sob story on the first date ( which I find it highly inappropriate now 🤨) I kindly tell them I’m not an expert on your issues and kindly send a text to psychology today. The crocodile tears dry up and their left confused. I tell them thousands of people found great professional help on that site 😊. This method doesn’t make feel bad because yes I heard their sob story and I kindly guided them to the best affordable help out there.

[@ArsenySmekhov]

What a nice and clean way to do it!

[@BettinaLevyUT]

A topic that I'm curious for you to talk about is whether there's a connection or not with narcissists and how much they obsess over money and financial status. Like, do they obsess over their bank account and criticize others for their poor financial decisions?

[@Thang4321]

My real life experience, my ex nar cried and begged me to buy a house for her mum. Once, she got the house for her mum, she discarded me. She then hoovered, and promised to change if I buy a second house with her. And 8 weeks after the purchasing of the second house she discarded me. Nar really have problems with financial, they want to show to the rest of the world how successful they are. And material (money, house, car) is one of the way to prove to the public

[@MustangTogunner]

YES, they solely judge people based on their financial well-being and job title, because at the end of the day they want to surround themselves with people that can get things done for them, not who they are

[@freerangeboogie7293]

Bettina Levy Oh, Man I’ve done that. But not anymore & came to the conclusion It is because of being very insecure about money in the first place & not wanting to go down on someone else’s sinking financial ship. Narcs use money to control people for sure tho. Unfortunately, Our culture greatly rewards narcissism.

[@freerangeboogie7293]

Visaoradi 2212 Narcs love agreeable & gullible people. The stuff my step-dad put up with my mother was unbelievable.

[@cBe9999]

Some narcissists go the other way with first dates - little effort at choosing a place, talking ONLY about themselves, generally devaluing your interests and experiences... not all narcs are 'successful' at reeling in other people.

[@Silly-Little-Mama]

I loved how you explained the healthy first date. I have struggled to explain to others how simple and easy the beginning of my relationship with my husband was. Everyone wants fireworks, as if that is some indication of longevity in a relationship. To be honest, the beginning of my relationship was kind of boring! I was cautious. I wasn’t anxious to rush things. I took my time and kept my emotions in check. I spoke up when I had an issue and expressed every boundary. Things were just ordinary, like you said.

[@tatianasbrightlife3452]

I think an important point is also that when you meet that healthy and boring relationship, it is very important to remember that it is okay not to like something about that person and not to settle down. It might be hundreds of normal people that you meet before you will say: "Okay, I truly adore you, you are my person". Please don't give up on yourself. Trust yourself. There is nothing wrong with not liking a "normal" person. It will be the right person in a right time. Keep choosing your peace. ❤️❤️❤️

[@LiveFreeWarrior]

Transitioning right now out of a narcissistic marriage and this coming at a perfect time. Through the divorce? My first ex was still kind, we talked, even took me to the doctor. The narc? Hahaha poor him, arguing, then kind when he needs something, fighting over stupid content, planning on having people disrespectfully over the house when I wasn’t there (until I flew home), changing the agreements, telling everyone it’s ending because he wants to focus on his Dad and kids, and that NOW he can focus on the things he loves! Hahaha this channel has empowered me to much to be 90% indifferent and just don’t give a f* - good luck all, you deserve far better. GO for it.

[@janetbenson8639]

After a long history of multiple relationships with narcissists it was confusing when I finally found a healthy one. I kept waiting for the drama that never came. He took his time to get to know me, it took months before meeting friends and family, he has always and still shows up when he says he will, and is sooo supportive. If there is ever conflict he actually wants to talk about it calmly, listens to what I have to say, and works towards a compromise/resolution. Honestly, it still blows my mind that a relationship can be so easy and comfortable.

[@barbarawarren9443]

Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani. I needed to remember all of these "ordinary" wonderful qualities of healthy relationships. After experiencing a narcissist, it's vital to recall the "comfortable" qualities of peace, simple companionship, mutual activites and just working out minor differences with empathy. ❤

[@ceciliaruns72]

This is fantastic! Wonderful comparison of the two types of relationships. I was married to a narcissist for 20 years, 25 together, it wasn't until the end of my relationship when I discovered narcissism and realized that that was was I had been dealing with my whole adult life from 20 to 45. Now I am in the healing process after a very difficult divorce and trying to understand the characteristics of a healthy relationship. It will take some time, I am very weary.

[@ameenahjackson8645]

This is my story almost exactly. Thanks for sharing. I’m so so nervous to get into anything serious. I really had no idea it was actually my 13 year old daughter who pointed out that my ex - her dad is a narcissist and I have been learning and healing ever since.

[@BookWorm2369]

Hang in there. You’ve done so well getting out. Take your time in recovering. 🧡

[@shellym1736]

Keep healing 🌻

[@shrikripalutrading3762]

Even I didn't know for four years that I m living with a narcissist, separated after a ugly fight, now I know that she was a narcissist

[@mnop1774]

Moving in together was the breaking point. I bought the house for us after learning he didn't have enough money up front. He moved in first and completely took over every room, every closet, the entire garage, basement, all of it. I couldn't believe it. Every time I walked in, I nearly broke down in tears. It was absolutely trashed and yet he refused to get rid of stuff. I've often wondered if he had a hoarding disorder too. It was extreme and he would look through the trash if I threw something away that he thought he needed like old cartons, shipping materials, expired food. I could write pages because this is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm completely free of him now and will never let this happen again.

[@carolbell8008]

Definitely a hoarder!

[@stephaniejoyhale3677]

Wow. I had to check to see if I wrote this and forgot about it lol. I own my house too and when he moved in he literally took over the majority or the house, the entire yard, and the garage. I can’t even have a chair on my own front porch because he needs a place for his plants! 🤦🏻‍♀️😢

[@monicaruiz9829]

In a healthy relationship your partner will try to talk about an issue instead of acting like a child ignoring you he will try to understand you

[@TheSingingVocologist]

It’s been 3 years since I ended the relationship with my narcissistic ex. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, but I’ve been hesitant to put myself out there again out of fear of meeting another narcissist. When you’ve never seen or experienced a healthy relationship, you have little to no skills in identifying what “normal” is. I’ve read tons about narcissistic behaviors in a relationships, but realize I don’t have any idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Giving examples of unhealthy vs healthy scenarios was sooo incredibly helpful. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.

[@soupysales3350]

Thanks for this!!! I was in a narcissistic relationship for 20+ years that I don't even know what is healthy anymore.

[@BooDotBoo]

Watching this makes me realize I only have had one healthy relationship in my life. That's scary, to me. But it is reassuring to know, after this video, I feel like I'm decently healthy in a relationship. The healthy relationship: we communicated about pretty much everything and, while emotions did get high, we were able to see the problem and talk it out; neither felt like they couldn't talk about something. Trust was there, so no one was snooping or feeling like they had to keep tabs on the other person. We both sought to spend time with each other; no one had to beg to spend time with the other and when people weren't available, it was okay, we could easily reschedule. There was no guilting, at least not serious guilting; it was playful and no one felt obligated to do anything. Intimacy was good and wasn't just defined by sex or sexy pictures. Feelings seemed real and genuine; nothing was ever over the top nor was love or affection rationed out or withheld. There's probably more, but can't think about it. That relationship ended with us both deciding it wouldn't work, as he was moving to another country and we both felt we were too young to much such a big commitment to each other. The unhealthy relationship: There was no trust, despite talk of "love" from both sides. He didn't trust me from the start (I assumed from past relationships), I didn't trust him because he'd lied and done sneaky things in the past and, tbh, trust had never been rebuilt. However, I tried to trust him, but I was always questioning it because he kept lying about stuff or making empty promises. He acted like spending time with me was annoying; I had to practically beg to spend time with him and it was ALWAYS on his terms and when he wanted. Communication was bad; he felt he HAD to keep things inside, while I was communicating at first, but every time I would communicate anything, I was made to feel bad or guilty for it, so I eventually stopped, so very little was being communicated. The constant lying, which went with the trust. Never being able to give me his full attention; he was always busy doing something else and if I did the same thing to him, then I was told I was being rude. Being put down or mocked, whether it was something I said or something I liked; it seemed like anything I liked was dumb or weird. The manipulation and gaslighting, which kept me in the relationship even after he cheated, though we broke up about a month or two later because all this stuff was building up and he REFUSED to talk to me about it. This relationship ended with me being suicidal, sick, and feeling guilty because I just couldn't keep dealing with all this stuff. He basically went. "Ha, sorry for everything, but I wish you well". It was a joke.

[@bridgetjones103]

Me too smh

[@hollybug-76542]

My exhusband wasn't even at my Graduation, where I was the Valedictorian.. My exboyfriend didn't even have a picture of me hung up after 5 years. I definitely need to ensure I don't end up in another relationship like the one's I've had. I appreciate these lectures.

[@googleuser1328]

When I asked what our relationship status, he said that for him we'd been together since our first kiss... at the time I obviously thought it was cute, now I think back on it and I'm like, damn he felt I was his property since day one.

[@dominiquelizarzaburu]

I am very concerned about the fact that I've been choosing narcissistic relationships since I started dating.. The four relationships I've had, have had a lot of red flags, but I was not able to see them until this time. If I have something to be thankful for with the lockdown, is having had the chance to think about my life and the things that I want to live and achieve, with a lot of love and peace. Thank you very much for your videos, they have helped me so much! Thank you for telling us things that could seem obvious, but are not that evident when someone hasn't been able to heal past wounds. God bless you!

[@AshleyOlivia90]

I had probably a decade or more of narcissist after narcissist. In my first actual healthy relationship now. Realizing it is the first step! I was in that pattern and didn’t even realize til my current and healthy relationship. Keep on going ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@fionaimison2042]

Your sentence about " things that could seem obvious..." really struck a cord with me & put into words the thoughts I'd been having in the months I've been watching Dr Ramanis videos. I kept thinking, I could really have used this information 30 years ago, but would I have absorbed & understood it, as I do now? I really want my 2 kids to watch this video before they date. But will they listen? We'll see 🤔

[@VrilDerzhava]

Modeling healthy vs. narcissistic patterns in relationships is such a great idea. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Having grown up with two narcissistic parents, I now realize that I've never truly had a healthy (love) relationship in my life. We need to learn the differences between healthy and unhealthy traits so we are prepared to recognize them in future.

[@marvinasimswewinqueendom2543]

OMG This is exactly how it happened and how he is!Thinking about it all gets me so angry and this is a good thing because I’m actually feeling again. I ignored all the red flags and still married it and dealt with it for over 20 years. Thank you for posting this. I’m so ready to move on and this helps because I’m determined to not make this mistake ever again.

[@ChandaAshley]

When I met my husband, there were no fireworks or emotionally charged moments. Rather, it felt comfortable, like we had been friends for a lifetime. It was very difficult for me in the beginning because I grew up in an abusive household and was married twice previously (funny enough, he had been, too). My earlier marriages were high voltage intense emotionally and physically abusive and I caught myself almost seeking out strife in a handful of situations when I began dating my husband. I had to stop myself and remind myself that the drama wasn't what I wanted and it wasn't who my husband was, either. I had to get used to this low-key but fulfilling relationship. Anyways, it IS possible to have that great relationship. My hubby and I are coming up on 18 years now and I am not romanticizing it when I say that I wouldn't trade 5 seconds of it. ❤

[@cobleskillaggie]

Let's see... first real date was expensive sushi and hibachi. Which made me uncomfortable because I would never order or spend that much. Ever. It was great until I couldnt use chopsticks. It was so sweet and fun to see him try to teach me, but when the server gave me kiddie chopsticks with a rubberband, my date was laughing at me.... not with me. I didnt want to be perceived as sensitive so I pretended not to notice. We spent three years together. By the end, I was broke from paying all the bills (I mean, HOMELESS broke), sexually scarred, psychologically wounded (he'd trigger my abandoment trauma when the gaslighting wouldn't work), and he wasnt even the first narcissistic rodeo. He will certainly be the last now that my eyes are open.

[@Cubic5]

I have never in my life been in a healthy relationship. It sucks being born into families like this.

[@SilverSunPublishing]

Same here. Sometimes I wonder if there really is such a thing as a healthy relationship, or if it's only in good books.

[@jenaya_laila2442]

Yes, it does and it makes life SO hard! Other people don´t even know how lucky they are and how easy they have it with loving families..

[@elsalam8949]

Dr. Ramani, I have learned about the narcissism since the lockdown in March. This is very helpful and giving excellent insight for leaving the narcissitic toxic relationships. It doesn't work for remaining in the narcissitic relationship to become an enabler, and it feels sick and needing to vomit. It isn't healthy to suck up all my true feelings for avoiding invaliding argument. It is fearful to trigger their fragile ego all the time, and getting raging punishment. We doubt our self worth for making mistakes constantly and fearing to be disqualified. It is time wasting for ruminating all the negative treatment and hurts from this relationship. Dr. Ramani, you have done the great job to bring rationale to amend and detox our mind. Thank You.

[@myraluetje2988]

Getting dumped everytime we went somewhere was normal. I always had money & car keys in my pocket wherever we went

[@norielkaselowski3808]

"A long time visitor in someone else's space" - absolutely! When I was a kid, my mother would always talk about 'her' house, and when I moved out, her very first moves were to throw out everything that belonged to me, make my old room her new bedroom and demand 'her' keys back. It's not that I'm someone who thinks adult children must have a key to their parents house or sth like that, but as a gesture, what she did really fit the emotional bill. Living with her often required to try not to take up any space, tiptoe around, feeling like a thieve, ashamed for being a burden. It felt like not belonging.

[@viat4608]

I wish I had heard this 15 years ago. Narcissistic mom and siblings as well as enabling dad left me confused about what a healthy relationship should be like. These couple of days binge watching your channel made me realize that I am a toxicity magnet and 95% of my circle is toxic, and I keep attracting toxic partners. These few days I had blocked people and gray rocked my family. There is no point getting them to recognize how you feel and you will just feel even more hurt by the gaslighting. All my life I have been learning to be compassionate for others and now I am learning to be compassionate to myself. Almost jumped off a window being attacked by all the narcissists and enablers in my life last week, but today I am grateful that I have found your channel and made me believe that I can be better and do better for myself. Thank you for helping me construct a healthier view of relationships with people.

[@stevetheyardguy1738]

Upon meeting me at my house for our 1st date, my ex said to me in a shitty tone "you should have given me better directions!". I didnt see it at the time but that was a red flag that in the future she'd accuse me of things I'd never done

[@ft.meganmccarthy8865]

In the beginning of my healthy relationship, my boyfriend wanted was very much "I just know", and I wasn't sure if that was a red flag because the way he said it felt different. I told him how it made me feel and he didn't push anything. 2 and a half years later, he's just as optimistic, just as patient, and just as sweet.

[@dahliacohen7909]

'" Narcissists argue like lawyers " ........ My goodness, Dr Ramani!!!! You have hit the nail on the head!! Every argument felt like a trial for my life or death. By the time he had finished screaming in my face I couldn't even remember what my discussion with him was. He shattered me every time, into millions more than he had done before. I was rendered useless, like a broken mirror. Each fragment reflected a distorted image of me and my reality. At least now when I smile I feel I am me again. Even that wasn't good enough for him, but it is good enough for me and my family and friends who do love and value me.

[@kathysantiago3718]

I don’t ever get tired of watching your videos, I’ve learn soo much! Thank you! ♥️

[@angelacapranica7701]

Brutal and never ending....a dirty fight! You nailed it!

[@gertrudewest4535]

I have not been in a relationship for 12 years. It’s just too exhausting and painful to be involved with people who think of me as a whipping post, that every conflict is always about my deeply flaws character. It seems to me that if I see someone, hear someone and willing to meet someone halfway it is seen with contempt in our society.

[@deadislander]

OMGGGG I SUGGESTED THIS A FEW WEEKS AGO YESSSSS

[@ildikof1606]

It was an unusual situation because our closeness developed in a work context, not during dates, so for quite long, he was completely respectful, even admired me and acknowledged my knowledge and expertise. It was a proper grooming period. He is a covert narcissist, and while he shared his story of an abusive childhood, he did not act as a victim (he was professionally and financially successful), and he was equally curious and attentive to my story. I never felt so seen. It was a love story for the history books. Until it was not. The moment real emotional attachment and intimacy started to play a part, things fell off a cliff almost overnight. My head had been spinning ever since trying to make sense of it while stumbling through the stages, and eventually, leaving, until I found Dr. Ramani's videos

[@happinesssomewhere18]

I felt so much emotional abuse. From.silent treatment. Then to blaming and accusing me. Then giving me bits of pieces of Then....at times nothing. I got called names. I felt detached. Mental abuse is real. You are such a huge help along my healing journey dr! I even told my therapist lol. Great info as always

[@gloriabrown9078]

I'm sad to say that I have never been in a healthy romantic relationship, YET! (growth mindset)

[@ProfFibi]

Me neither

[@canadianlady777]

The worst part I feel is the love bombing after being ignored for weeks and months....It causes anxiety because I doubt myself....

[@Picca65]

Trust your gutfeelings!

[@someonenew9442]

Canadian Lady. Not one person on these narc channels has said it gets better with these people. Your instinct is right.

[@lauraescobedo3426]

I wish you know how many people you are helping! I’m taking notes and I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of work that I have to do. The anxiety is so intense when you live with a narcissist, that when you are not feeling it, I almost miss it. Thanks a lot!!!

[@akshaya2302]

This lady is incredible! No one can explain narcissism more perfectly!

[@Biaxident0]

I'm almost 2 years out of a narcissistic relationship and am currently in a very healthy relationship for a little over a year now, sometimes it catches me off guard that I don't get yelled at or criticized for things that I would have in my previous relationship. I used to get yelled at for small things, like leaving a dirty dish in the sink, or wanting to go out with friends. I even once planned out and payed for a week long vacation at the beach, and the entire time I was criticized for hotel that I picked because it wasn't nice enough.The part about feeling like a visitor in the house is 100% correct, my ex and I were together for 6 years, purchased a house together and from day 1 I felt like a visitor. I was never allowed to invite friends over, hell, my friends were almost always criticized as "losers". She kept me isolated from both my family and friends. I had all of my stuff crammed into one one room because I wasn't allowed to put it anywhere else, and this room ended up being my "escape" for years. After I found out she has been cheating on me for the majority of the relationship I cut my losses, moved back home with my parents for a few months until I was able to get back on my feet and now I own my own home and I can live the way that I have always wanted to live. It was hard getting back on my feet, but the weight that is lifted from you after the narcissist is gone is unbelievable.

[@JD-fh1qi]

Ok so my narcs were my parents. But the difference between my relationship with them vs my healthy relationship with my husband is how arguments occur. When my hubby and I have argued, it happens and then when it is done then it's over and we don't drag it out. However, with my parents they would drag it out and constantly bring it up until they consider themselves the winner. This could take them years, but even when they have "won" they would still use that against you.

[@GaijinMom]

These people seem to be so many and very dangerous to the regular, empathic human. I realize of course that they have human rights, but it feels like they are such a danger that it would be better for everyone if they were shipped off to an island where they can hurt each other.

[@MoPoppins]

Yup. I feel like this is actually feasible, and that narcs might not entirely mind, except for the fact that they need non-narcs to do the work, since narcs are all lazy and entitled, and want to be treated like kings & queens...but then again, there are the hopeless copdendents who are INVERTED NARCS, so they could do all the work for them. It could be a huge leper's island of adult toddlers.

[@GaijinMom]

@@MoPoppins right? If they were a bacteria we’d use antibiotics. But of course it is complicated when it’s actual humans. But they’re doing SOOOO much damage!

[@steve1714]

Some things which were obvious to me in my own experiences. Disagreements in healthy relationships are resolved almost instantly in a respectful manner. A toxic relationship disagreement usually makes you feel guilty due to their gaslighting and manipulation. In a healthy relationship it feels like you're dating a mature stable adult, not a child in an adult's body. Your life feels drama free and energetic in a healthy relationship. There's reciprocation in a healthy relationship. There's respect for your boundaries in a healthy relationship. You have a lot more space in a healthy relationship, you can be your own person. No dependency. Mood swings are rare in a healthy relationship. And most importantly, there's no name calling or any abuse in a healthy relationship!

[@jenniffersm12]

This is amazing!!! I have only had narcissistic relationships so I don’t know how does it look on the other side... I didn’t know it could truly look so positive and lovely with another human being, wow

[@richieespinoza2563]

Thank you being the virtual therapist I have needed my entire life🙏🏼sending you showers of love 💕