The Shame of Adult Virgins and their Identity Crisis

[@HealthyGamerGG]

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[@elysiadawn]

Yeah, but I only want a therapist I feel like I can connect to, and I don't feel like I can with 98% of the population. So just let me know when Dr K has an opening I guess. That's the only thing that originally drew me here. Although these videos have already helped me immensely as even if I can't relate to any of them and they're nothing like my situation or experiences, I can still apply a lot of the principles discussed to my situations. My anger and anxiety went down to zero for now pretty much just by taking one example and switching it around then applying it to what was bothering me. I was doing great right before the pandemic. It just really screwed me up. So I don't even know if I need a therapist right now or anymore, as I'm doing a million times better this week than I was before thanks to this channel. Also, I wouldn't have to see him in person and we wouldn't even have to have scheduled meeting times. I just wanted a therapist that could help me a little that I could talk to through messaging sometimes. Like message back and forth in our free time whenever it suited us. (I don't need a lot of communication. Lol) I would be fine with that. I am used to always managing on my own with everything anyway, even when suicidal.. lol (I haven't been that bad in forever though. I have a nice boyfriend and a bunch of cats now, so am not totally isolated anymore like I was almost my entire life. Even though my boyfriend lives on the other side of the world, it's a lot of companionship for me.. way more than I'm used to.. especially all the cats, so I never feel lonely anymore. Just stressed out and overwhelmed sometimes because it's a lot of cats to constantly clean up after. It's like having a bunch of rebellious toddlers who never grow up and paint on the walls all the time. But now that the burnout isn't as bad as it was and I actually have energy and am not sleeping all the time, it is getting easier to keep up with even their constant messes. I was just really angry because my mother didn't help me when I told her I was not doing good and asked for help and so many people suck and she just made my panic attacks and anxiety a million times worse during the pandemic. And then when I was all messed up after I just wanted her to offer to come over and help me clean and stuff and catch up.. I just needed some practical help and emotional support and then she did the complete opposite and did things to hurt me, but of course that was a silly daydream. Only something normal family members would do, which I have never had. After that I disowned her. Because it was hardly the first time she abandoned me when I needed her most. And now things are getting better. As I have stopped talking to her completely and will never speak to her again. I just feel sad sometimes not having any family I can count on like most people do. It is hard to always deal with everything always all alone. When you talked about the shame people have about living with their parents, it made me giggle. Because they have no clue how much I envy them that they have family they can live with and turn to. I think they are very lucky.)

[@minabotieso6944]

How is this hypothetical person that had no luck with dating in high school and college able to get all these parties and opportunities that you keep talking about?

[@connor9024]

Is there a way to book dr k directly?

[@strongestgamer2501]

Sounds like they should get laid

[@InVinoVeratas]

Would political alignments and current lifestyle trends play a part in the increase in virginity that is plaguing men? When you consider the rants on "toxic masculinity" the constant degradation of males encouraging other males through "tough love", all the while women are also avoiding said virgin males, and outright shaming them in certain spectrums of female empowerment; wouldn't these aspects in society, that people that aren't really associated to said virgin with to begin with, but end up being judged by, be contributions that encourage males to be virgins just to avoid such societal expectations? For example, if I were to go to a bar, I get checked out on, but I have no idea how to react. This leads to my friends I came to the bar with, shaming me for not checking out said female checking me out, I lose interest in even approaching said situations to begin with, this further builds the notions that I have no place in this society, that there is an invisible wall there, that segregates me from feeling like I'm in on the joke (so to say that I'm not feeling left out in general) when it comes to society. This further fuels the internal dialogue that I'm not good enough, I can't relate and I need to improve, somehow, or be comfortable with where I'm at. I'm in the latter, as a virgin male, I feel detached, and I feel alone. There is no-one for me to connect to, as nobody really experiences my life like I do. I don't blame others. I purposely detached and wanted to be alone, for all my life. Blaming others is stupid to do when you learn accountability for your own actions, and to not read into my own actions is the surest sign of ignorance. So If I were to try to build a basic relationship, from the foundation up, at age 30, unable to connect to others, because they speak an entirely different lifestyle language barrier compared to me. Say trying to build said relationship from meeting a person from a party or a bar (but I would never try to build a relationship from a bar, that's an ingredient for a recipe built to fail). How does a virgin at age 30 years or older, connect, at all? I have nothing in common when talking to people, it's like they speak binary, all these topics of modern "memes, shows movies", I don't pay attention to mainstream trends, and I purposely disconnect from said media, yet I feel like it's only helped ostracized me when I want to build a real connection, whether it's friendly or something potentially more. I feel the disconnect in modern times is much greater than I've ever been able to perceive in my life, a life that's largely been spent alone, even as a kid.

[@And-ur6ol]

Being an adult virgin is not hell because you don't have sex. It's hell because you feel excluded from society. You feel like a criminal for a crime you never comitted. You feel like the outsider. And this only gets worse with age.

[@ykonratev]

Bro relax

[@juanfernandocastroreyna478]

Yeah and you feel uncapable and inferior to something you don't even finish to understand why you should that much but its there.

[@pepper0075]

@@ykonratev he has a point, you don't feel like a fully fledged adult while being a virgin

[@maozedong8370]

Not really. I mean I have no friends anyway so it isn't as if anyone knows or cares that I am a virgin.

[@ykonratev]

@@pepper0075it's really not so doom and gloom. This guy is making it sound like hte world is ending cause he didn't stick his weiner into someones hole..like cmon.

[@gamarleton]

"being a virgin doesn't matter" "well you must be a virgin for a reason, there's something wrong with you" - same people.

[@OscarUnrated]

isn't that what the video is about? Fixing what's wrong with you in order to not be a virgin? Technically then the assumption is right

[@gamarleton]

@@OscarUnrated It's a milestone that's important for a lot of people, and most people do want to experience being with someone, and finding love in their life. I didn't think that would be possible to misunderstand.

[@OscarUnrated]

@@gamarleton wdym misunderstand, you didn’t say any of that. The video is about adult virgins who feel shame about their virginity, not people happily waiting for someone they love

[@gamarleton]

@@OscarUnrated do you really think someone who's been alone their entire life and is sad and lonely is "just happily waiting"? you came to a place where people feel alone and decided to be an argumentitive asshole. congratulations, most people you know don't really like you.

[@torchlight1785]

@@OscarUnrated Aren’t there people who aren’t mature that lost their virginity? It’s really not an indication of “people having their life together.”

[@spencerokeefe438]

I feel like OP's insecurity is less about not having sex and more about social validation: i.e. the idea that no one wants to have sex with him because he's not good enough, or otherwise undesirable as a person. That feeling is FAR worse than the lack of physical pleasure.

[@federruchi6147]

Yeah thats me. You explained it perfectly (no im not op)

[@Just_B0red]

Yeah, seems like it, otherwise he could just pay for it. But even if he did he would just dig himself deeper into his lack of validation from opposite sex

[@ponternal]

That's all incels. If it was only about sex then porn and escorts would fix everything and incels would not exist.

[@raresmocanu1743]

Yeah I'm in the same boat and I'm pretty sure most people in this situation are in that boat.

[@BlingIsSpring]

This isn’t some new revelation, that’s literally every adult virgin. Most virgins don’t want to have sex purely for pleasure. It’s about being validated by the opposite sex, being in the loving company of a partner.

[@jonesaffrou6014]

"People hate virgins, they used to sacrifice them to the gods" LMAO

[@angrycapsicum6027]

Return to tradition

[@Metallislayer1]

hiroshima nagasaki pilled

[@Begeru]

I think that was considered an honor?

[@Teekayhuey_TK]

@@Begeru Would you like to be sacrificed?

[@kjtiger98]

lets go back we will have value!

[@eltiodude3654]

I’ve become numb to the shame but sometimes when I see young couples I think of missing out on relationships

[@nothing-jl2dz]

Same here I'm 25 virgin although it's not entirely involuntarily I used to wanna lose it really badly but then I hit 20 or something and I had some opportunities but I didn't want it anymore even though in my teens I would've done it without hesitating because I was so desperate, I can't say I feel much shame anymore but sometimes I see young people of opposite gender who seem to have a really good bond and feel lonely.. I think the issue is i feel like people will only use me

[@bemanos12345]

@@Dimitris_Half For many people ''''meeting new people''' is not the problem, lack of social skills is. Sure you can meet new people, but then what? Are you likeable enough? Are you physically attractive? Can you flirt? There are many steps to the process.

[@vyllix8546]

@@Dimitris_Half ive seen many people approach others yo get to know them and then stutter and have nothing to talk about, having the courage and will to meet new people doesn't mean you really know how to connect and communicate well

[@eKSe1337]

I feel like my whole understanding of relationships is so off the mark that it makes other peoples relationships seem unreal if you can say that. Trying to image a situation where I would just find a partner and get in to a relationship naturally feels so distant, like a fantasy story. When I was a teen I did all the things a normal teen would do, I partied, played sports etc. but somehow I just missed the whole relationship train and now the tickets to the next one are sold out.

[@honkhonk5181]

As long as people can be themselves everything should fall into place, right? Being yourself is not only useless but actually counterproductive if your culture deems the person you are as unacceptable. You have to be completely fake and appeal to the norms of whatever environment you’re in if you even want a chance at making a friend. Forget about getting a girlfriend.

[@redgreen2453]

The thing that messes with my head is the way people talk about sex like it’s something they just fell into. I feel like the response I get when I tell someone that I’m 25+ and a virgin is usually some form of: “Really? How?” Which makes no sense to me because it’s like, “what do you mean how? You did a thing and I didn’t. How are you the one asking me how?” That’s like asking someone how they _didn’t_ buy a car. Well, they didn’t go to the car store. They didn’t put any money down. Lack of sexual experience is treated as almost subversive. The implications are unnerving. Sex, to me, has always been this insurmountable obstacle. So to hear that for other people it was apparently the path of least resistance… idk, it’s strange

[@Affenzunge]

Oh, I feel that. For me, I'm currently coming up with a whole plan of attack on how to finally tackle this issue. While every woman around me just talks about it like it was almost an accident. Like it just happens.

[@joshs6574]

@@Affenzungeit genuinely does just happen

[@Arkydos]

I also always get the "what!? How?" treatment xD I guess it's because of what Dr. K talked about. All the 'milestones' I missed along the way, like never having dated someone and so on. I try to see those comments as compliments. Like yeah, people should wonder why I never got laid. Trying to view things from a more positive angle and pumping yourself up really helped me having more confidence.

[@pricklycats]

If you think other people are the weird ones you are delusional. Nothing wrong with virginity but you're coping hard.

[@midragga]

Gotta say bro but best way to get laid is to increase your sexual marketplace value, look it up. Learn evolutionary psychology

[@kurosan0079]

Honestly, I don't really care about being a virgin. What I do feel bad about is not having someone to fall in love with. I don't really care much about the sex itself.

[@rsonic510]

I mean, if sex was the issue, there are escorts for that, and incels wouldn't exist.

[@JesseVenturaHat]

When you realize that most if not ALL women are shallow, manipulative, evil, and incapable of empathy then you don't even want a relationship with them

[@MoldyOog]

​@rsonic510 Yeah I've known whores who've offered. I just want love, though.

[@dark_nightwing_xl2797]

@droppeddogswhat are you talking about Jamal?

[@someone-ji2zb]

If you had no desire for sex, then you'd have no motivation to try and find a woman. You can choose to show love to your immediate family if that is all you care about, as love is an action being taken and a choice; it is not something you "fall into" despite was popular culture likes to say (popular culture has an obscene divorce rate).

[@Apocalypse3434]

Sounds like my mom's advice when I was struggling with social anxiety in college. "Just go out and make friends." Gee mom, I never ever ever thought of that...

[@squamish4244]

Yeah, my parents, who met in high school and were married at 22, have been pretty useless in that department as well. Back then I got "It will happen" concerning relationships from my mom, who was the only one who ever even commented on this stuff. Well, it didn't just "happen", who'd have thought. Then she stopped saying anything after I got to be about 25. She even convinced herself that I have been happy being alone for the entire 25 years of my adult life. She let herself believe that because she has seen how much I have struggled with mental health and addiction issues, and the idea that I was also struggling with loneliness was just too much for her to bear. When I finally beat the addiction, she asked what I wanted to do now and I said I wanted to meet someone. She looked at me, at age 44, never having had a relationship, with a blank stare like it was the craziest thing she'd ever heard. Really bizarre reaction, but not surprising to me, either.

[@syra1541]

exactly, and the world is so different now than it was then, the way we communicate and the expectations are so different, they like actually cannot understand

[@doublepinger]

The video almost goes into *here's what's wrong with you* and he starts making elite gamer metaphors. He even just goes "well you're at a party and"... He can't even imagine what it's like to not have even that. I'm struggling to find what the point of the video is when he's like "you already have a good social life, it's just that you're a scared little virgin aren't you uwu" instead of facing the reality that it's actually a problem, having been rejected by society at every turn.

[@AlbertCamus-r6i]

My uncle suggested that I need to "up my game" I am like "Uncle, I work for $9 an hour and (at the time) working towards being a Welder. I have no time to "up my game"".

[@howler9171]

​@@doublepinger I laughed at that too lol. "So you're at this party", yeah you already lost me bro. I have like 3 friends, who I met in high school. The craziest my weekends ever get are when we boot up the good old 360 , split a 30 rack of beer between the 4 of us and play Halo Reach until 5 am for old times sake. And I'm lucky I even have that. They all married their high school girlfriends and had kids, I'm the one in the group who's always been single

[@Spiney09]

You forget to mention that a lot of people who miss milestones like dating in high school miss them because they already have shame and insecurities. They may not just come from the present, not getting laid could just be validating the pre-existing anxiety people already had.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Good point. Once you miss those milestones, it's much harder to catch up. The thing is that for introverted, reserved, maybe even autistic teenagers, there's little or no assistance in building and developing social skills. You're just thrown out there and expected to date, without having a clue.

[@LorraineVirginie]

This!!!

[@icansavehiphop]

i missed two years of dating in hs due to covid so i just wasnt in person and when i was back i didnt really put any stock into it

[@Jewel_Screaming_Chango8387]

Strict and overly religious helicopter parents are to blame for this

[@Spiney09]

@@Jewel_Screaming_Chango8387 my parents were neither of those things, it was severe bullying in elementary and middle school actually.

[@janfg1578]

It never bothered me to see happy couples, but now at 30 its getting weird to see actual parents younger than me. The ticking of the clock gets louder every year.

[@arrow2380]

@@jensebermann4735stop trolling bruh

[@manosijroy8282]

Is 22 late too if I never even dated before? I am a 22 year old guy who never had a girlfriend before and yet to get my first kiss. After 3 rejections recently, I did ask out my childhood friend who is 21 year old now turning 22 soon by messaging her on Instagram and she did reply yeah ok but she isn't that active on the app so she took almost a month to reply to it and now again she hasn't been online for weeks and still yet to reply about when we can meet but I am still waiting. But since 28th May 2023, I have been chatting with another girl on Instagram who used to be in the same school as me but we didn't know each other in school days. Now she is 19 year old and is in 1st year of college and I am in last year of college and we chat daily about pretty much everything and we send each other virtual hugs too and I think I started liking her too but so far it still looks like she just sees me as a friend as the chats doesn't get very flirty yet and we have been chatting for almost a month. We are also in different colleges but her college is very near to my home. I do wanna ask her out but my childhood friend didn't reject me too and I like both of them.

[@victorrosales7565]

fr

[@Ssethtzeentach_enjoyer]

@@manosijroy8282 Honestly, wait until you're married to have sex and to have your first kiss. I'm a virgin, but I wish I had waited until marriage for my first kiss. It's never "too late".

[@BrutalOrc]

@@manosijroy8282 Bro stop deluding yourself. Even if she isn't active she would get notifications on her phone if someone sends her a message. She doesn't care dude, let it go. Also read The Rational Male. Good luck.

[@halfbakedproductions7887]

I know someone who was a virgin at 33. He decided to stop telling people when even _escorts_ shamed and rejected him for it. He messaged a few and either got ignored, or someone said words to the effect of "you're 33 and a virgin at your age come on you can't be" while another told him "but why do you want your first time to be with an escort" and said she might be able to help if he sent her a photo. Umm, no. The triple embarrassment of a) being in that situation to begin with and b) having to share that information with a total stranger just so they know how to handle you and c) being made fun of for it, being rejected by people who literally have sex for a living. It's money for old rope. Imagine being rejected by a plumber because "it's just a leaking toilet mate fix it yourself", or a car mechanic saying "wtf you've been driving for 10 years and don't know how to weld your differential". Easy jobs that would take a competent professional no time at all, and you're being shamed for not knowing how. That whole situation is just tragic on so many levels. He found a few who were happy to help, but got cold feet and said he'd have been embarrassed turning up at their place with them knowing his predicament and probably being judged for it. He eventually found a different provider and just didn't tell them, played the "it's been a while" and "inexperienced" card and thinks he got away with it. Pyrrhic victory when his friends had lost it 'naturally' 10+ years earlier while in their prime. --- But having sex is one of the very few things where you are genuinely shamed for not having done it. Nobody shames you if you've never ridden a horse, or played golf, or visited Australia, or worked in retail. It's just life experiences you've never had. But somehow being sexually active trumps everything else. A big deal is made of Isaac Newton being a virgin, but look at what he achieved on his own. You've cured cancer? Cool, but you've never had sex. Loser.

[@house30house]

escorts regjecting clientes, haha they literally work for money, they dont give a sh+t

[@petarniciforovic6543]

I really like the conclusion. Seems so legit!

[@juannaym8488]

I am sorry but there's no way that an escort would refuse a client on this basis. Like no way in hell. They don't care about who's the client, if you've got the money, they'll give you sex or other escort services

[@soulangela7154]

@@juannaym8488 There are plenty of unprofessional people in every field. I'm not sure why you would think this one any different.

[@alexcarter2461]

My first time was with an escort and she was pistol she was. But intercourse to me is just that, nothing special just a fun pass time.

[@hopefulgeneration152]

I'm 27 and a virgin. And to be honest, I don't really care. Not that I'm socially awkward or anything, (at least nowadays) I just never cared. Some people I know think it's interesting that I'm so nonchalant about it. I don't know, I never had shame about it. If it happens, it happens. If not, oh, well. Until then, I'm just enjoying my hobbies and being happy within myself. A bit weird, I know but that's just me.

[@manosijroy8282]

I am a guy who turned 22 just 4 weeks ago and never had a girlfriend before and its kinda bothering me a lot. I use dating apps but rarely get matches by some 18-23 age girls who ends up ghosting or unmatching me for no reason. I do chat with some girls on Instagram whom I knew in high school and they are all 20-22 year olds. I am having a very good chat with a girl who was 2 years my junior in our school days. Now she is 20 and I had the best chat with her for the past 3 days compared to any other girl who lives in my city. But I also like another girl who was my childhood friend when we were in elementary school in 2008-2011. Now she is 21 and only 5-6 months younger than me but we hardly chat much on IG as she doesn't reply to my last message for a week or 2.

[@raphaelnej8387]

@Manisij Roy 19:45 focus on friends first.

[@SS-fy6hk]

i resonate with this. although i never cared about really anything at all either

[@amarevanhook7453]

W

[@handlebar4520]

Huge W comment

[@CRAZEDBOYX]

I fucking love it. The fact that you've made a space that we (i'm referring to a presumably good chunk of people in the community who share the same sentiments) can talk about these sensitive and vulnerable topics that affect some of us in a very open, thorough, kind, and patient manner is amazing. I've heard people saying you do great work but holy fuck the words I know can't express how great the work you're doing here really is man

[@xd983]

exactly what im thinking, absolutely invaluable to be able to turn on my pc and get access to thought processes and info like this, so so so incredible

[@CRAZEDBOYX]

@@xd983 Same thoughts!!! I can't believe this kind of content is free too! Being able reframe how I might think about something by getting the input of somoene knowledgeable about it (in this case Dr K) is amazing. The community HG's been able to build up as one that can be open about these topics without (i'm assuming hehe) feeling threatened by toxicity or invalidation is great!! Can't say how much I appreciate that latter part enough.

[@YoMamasLlama22]

Awe that’s such a beautiful comment

[@pepegabrain2569]

Gathering of the incels

[@HaHa-gg9dl]

@@pepegabrain2569 these therapists are really milking these stupid beta males lmao

[@lordthicknipples-gt2oq]

honestly the problem with adult virgins isn't necessarily insecurity and shame, it's that people think you *should* be insecure and ashamed about it; and as a result, they will pity you. It's a negative feedback loop

[@halfbakedproductions7887]

Yep. Not a virgin but I have seen that an awful lot.

[@joeyhoy1995]

Yeah, I used to get a lot of, "how?" Like what do you mean how? You were one of the women I wanted to date but wouldn't give me the time of day. Against all odds I did finally have my first time. Now the insecurity is when will it happen again, and will they be patient because I'm still just learning.

[@stravvman]

I don't see the contradiction. What you described is exactly how shame and insecurities are created and maintained.

[@Myhaay]

@@stravvman it's not exactly a contradiction but they are not treated as normal people, they receive pity or humiliation and expect you to be ashamed of it, which turns into shame internally, by default there would be no shame to be had if people did not have that reaction to that information.

[@WarpDoomer]

​@@joeyhoy1995We're kinda in the same situation. I was lucky once, and even though you could say that I have next to the same experience as a virgin, my mental health improved a lot just because I don't feel like I have to swallow all the shit that gets thrown to virgins every single day.

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

Bro for real every time I’ve talked to new people in the past they eventually bring up “am I a virgin” and “why?” I’ve got shit from family, friends, colleagues, co workers, all asking why I’m single and never been with anyone. It’s like being alone to others is the worst thing you can do. And they think it’s sad and pathetic. Luckily I’ve gotten over the social stigma but it was a constant fear for me growing up because it kept being brought up everytime I’ve talked to someone new for the first time…

[@ShazyShaze]

Wtf? Who asks whether you're a virgin or not? I don't think anyone has ever asked me that.

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

@@ShazyShaze a lot of people do. It’s like they had a six sense for smelling virgins or something and I was always asked.

[@topsgaming4266]

I'll just reply: "Why did you ask, got a high quality woman to introduce me?" Often times the people who ask if you're a virgin are insecure about their own relationship, a rare minority do it because they genuinely want you to get laid and are willing to be a wingman / offer adivce

[@ShazyShaze]

@@topsgaming4266 >high quality woman Friend, we're not cuts of meat...

[@ShazyShaze]

@@mitthrawnuruodo1730 how very strange. At any rate, I'm sorry they do. That can't be a good feeling

[@Blu939]

I'm a virgin at 27, I stopped mentioning it when I would go out with friends or co workers during convos of that nature. A doctor even seemed surprised and asked if I was religious, I didn't go back to see him again. I also had a traumatic experience with a gynecologist because of it. I don't think she believed me when I told her. I don't talk about it anymore because it seems unsafe and I don't want to be targeted by disingenuous men who are only interested in my virginity. I've never felt shame about being one, I always just thought it would happen when I'm ready but It can feel very isolating in a society that places such an unhealthy focus on sex. Not to mention my self-esteem issues.

[@Amphitera]

you are fine. The modern western society is an oversexualized mess that would be regarded with horror by most if not all older and ancient cultures. Don't let anyone tell you that you're missing out, because you're not.

[@themobilemage2137]

Gynecologists and their nurses can really *project* when it comes to a patient being a virgin, at an older age than expected. I had some get really ugly to me, didn't believe me or saying, what the hell's wrong with you?!? One wonders if they did some sexual things they wished they hadn't done, and so reflexively get hostile when they have a patient who hasn't slept around. I wish they were given trainings on not judging patients and not being a-holes

[@luelee6168]

And you shouldn't feel ashamed because degenerates don't wanna be alone and loose women are no exception, projecting their own shame upon virgins for their own depravity and lack of self-control. As for the men, it's more to do with how soon you sleep with him. If you tell him you want to wait until marriage and he respects it than hes the one. If he says he has to test drive you first than obviously he isn't.

[@ararune3734]

If you think like that being a female virgin, wait until you find out how you're treated as a male. I think it's less acceptable to make fun of r4p1sts than virgin men. If you don't feel ashamed, rest assured you will get plenty of people who will shame you, from women to other men. You can always find a man who will be interested in you, whether you're a virgin or not. But good luck dating women as a virgin, it's like with the job interviews, they want experience, which you couldn't get because to get the experience you need the job.

[@themobilemage2137]

@@ararune3734 "you can always find men who are interested in you, virgin or not" 😂😂😂 Very funny. Women have to be Supermodel beautiful and be of a rich family to have any interest from men at all. Men have ALL the power. Try being a woman who's a virgin past the age of 16 who is not from a rich family, and not gorgeous. You'll be treated like a piece of shit.

[@filipusandikawicaksana6822]

Doctor, thank you for the video. After 22 years of never having even been kissed, I have been saying to my friends for half a year that... I missed milestones. They just... Weren't able to understand just that. I hope this isn't me just self-echo chambering, but I almost cried when you said just that in your video. Missing those milestones have been a large part of my insecurity, and having it not acknowledged makes me feel just wrong as a human being. Thank you for letting me know the playing fields are real and thank you for giving me ways to improve upon it.

[@lolidangelmeier]

Wishing you the best on your journey brother

[@GSainto]

I'm in the same boat brother. My friends also couldn't understand that I just didn't "hit milestones" for a long while. They weren't really toxic about it, it just took them a while to really get it. I feel better about being a virgin mostly to talking about it with my close friends earlier(around age 16) than most would want to.

[@riaaulia8323]

Tunggu sampe nikah ae bang

[@Kaiji...]

They're only milestones in your own mind, they don't exist. Accept that and move on.

[@carrot708]

I'm 29, never been on a date, never kissed a girl, and yeah, for most of my 20's it really felt like my teenage years never ended because there were just no milestones or moments of transition at all. And other people just don't get what you mean when you say you don't feel like an adult yet at 26

[@AlisSpark]

People who get laid all the time telling virgins that "it doesn't really matter" is the equivalent to rich people telling a poor person that money isn't everything.

[@Kkubey]

Good comparison indeed. As in both cases, there is much more to it. For money, if you have a lot of money you don't have to worry about too much in terms of financial security and can afford to take more breaks and have more enjoyment, but at the end of the day, money in itself won't add much of a value to your life. As for getting laid, it is only something that adds value if you actually do it because you enjoy it or enjoy the person you do it with, or it might be something you don't like at all. And figuring out what you could like about it and breaking free from expectations is the key here.

[@alexbolton9492]

thats such a terrible take lmao. we need money to live. we dont need sex to live

[@patriot9487]

@@alexbolton9492 then how are you here?

[@helena4440]

Both those statements are true unless you want to be miserable

[@calculatedly]

i don’t think so lol

[@shawntco]

"Sometimes, we are virgins." Being one of the people this video is for, it's an often painful topic for me. Even so, I couldn't help but laugh at that start off.

[@hodysensei3438]

Conclusion: most people give advice not to help but to feel good about themselves for helping. 🚨

[@sandy-intro]

That's the impression I get from this doctor. Talks so fast also. I didn't really hear anything helpful in this video.

[@wurst1284]

Years ago I told a therapist that I had a problem with being a virgin and she told me I'm not the only one. I was like duh of course I'm not but how is being in a group with other virgins gonna make ME feel better, exactly? At best we'd still suffer and at worst, we'd resent each others successes because it highlights our own lack. It's really hard to be happy about someone else making it to shore when you feel you're drowning. Seeing that whole incel situation nowadays, I'd say stay the hell away from those kinds of "self help" groups that have a vested interest in keeping you down. You're far better off being surrounded by people who don't share your problem so you don't ferment in it.

[@Idontknowwhich]

Dude thats hilarious. LMFAO ! you made my day :3

[@newlife4830]

you can just lost virgin status, one day it can happen, just be positive

[@Jordan-kq3qw]

Virgins forming a group around how they haven't had sex yet, I see a solution.

[@DMHR100]

Never go with female therapists, they’re completely out of touch with male subjects.

[@Mirkk47]

Those who have all are going to get everything. Those who don't have anything will have everything taken away from them. This is called the Matthew priciple. It means people will follow the most succesful people and give them all the opportinity. Which is true for sex too. 1-2% of men get 99% swipes on dating sites. While women see 80% of men as being "below average" in terms of looks and therefore not attractive. There are studies suggesting 1/3 of men are having no sex. The number of men having no sex and men being virgings is steadily rising. In conclusion, few men share all of the women. While most men have no opportunities. What does it mean for you? Well, if you have no opportunities it means you can get some opportunities but it will be incredibly hard for you. You could grind and depending on your health/looks/height become part of the top % of men. But you would have to dedicate yourself and sacrife any other goals you might have for it. Or you can focus on yourself and your own goals in life. But yeah, feeling resentful of other man or of women is not good. It isn't going to make your life better. It isn't going to make anyone's life better. If you're resentful that might mean one of 2 things. Either someone is doing some wrong to you. Or you're oversensitive and fragile and you need to toughen tf up. If you want to feel better, do something being worth feeling better about. What are your goals in life, what are you doing to improve it. Why should a woman be part of your life why should anyone care about you? Do you have something going on for yourself? Because if not then why should you feel entitled to anyone giving a damn about you, why should you feel resentful towards people with success who have something going on for them? If you know you lack something, what is it? Can you improve it? What are you doing to improve it? Why spend time being resentful and not fixing your issues? If you see people drowning and you see yourself drowning and you see people making it to the shore then what? Are you going to be mad? Smart men learn from their mistakes, wise people learn from the mistakes and success of others. So what makes you different from those who made it? And what is common denominator of you and the others who cannot make it? I agree, don't be a part of a toxic group. But also, you are the one who makes or breaks a group. There are a thousand ways to go about an issue. And this isn't just an issue this is like 500 little issues that make up for the overal isssue. It's good to talk about these things but it's essencial to be mindful of yourself and your own attitude. It's essecial set your goals clear. Because if you want to ferment in it you abosultely will and no one has the power to set you free. But yourself. Just a reminder, fermenting in your own issues is the path into hell not only for yourself but you tend to drag other people in there with you. And hell has no bottom you can always dig yourself a deeper hole.

[@KrausHaus0]

Was at a party once where two girls were “quietly” discussing me, one of them was interested and the other brought up me being a virgin. There was instant disinterest that just left me feeling sad the rest of the night. Both girls are friends of mine so no hard feelings it was just massively disheartening

[@nightfires2k12]

Someone who loses interest in you because you're a virgin but also claims to be a friend, isn't a friend.

[@comealsolito804]

@@nightfires2k12 Or maybe she's a friend but she lost interest in having sex with him. It's brutal and unfortunate but 90+% of women want someone with a certain experience.

[@howler9171]

Women won't admit it, but they like fighting over guys. They're very strongly attracted to men who other women are also attracted to. Stealing another girl's man is considered a huge victory to them. The more girls he has chasing after him, the more he's seen as a prize catch. So when they find out a guy gets no women whatsoever, they all collectively lose interest because there's no competition. They think "well if no one else wanted him then why would I want him". Happens very often

[@techdiyer5290]

I think its a more prominent thing in the western society though, because its a cleanliness thing for multiple cultures.@@comealsolito804

[@fujithegreat6069]

Why in the world would you tell women your personal information? You don't tell that to women.

[@lennartgro]

The worst part is not the physical pleasure. Worse is never ever to have felt love like cuddling, having romantic evenings etc. Worse is just seing 2 much younger people being in love publicly (for example making out), you should be happy for them but they just remind you of what you have missed out in all those years. Worse is, being confronted with people you find attractive for a whole day (for example at a party), knowing you would not get in touch with them. Worse is that after such situations, you just stop believing in your own mantra, that some day you will find somebody for you, so you either soak yourself in hatred of society or self-hatred (because you do not have a right that some person loves you in a romantic way and it is your fault that no one ever had). The topic sexuality has never ever been so open to the public, just look at the progress of acceptance of LGBT-people, and yet I still find it difficult, talking about this very topic.

[@jackintheblock]

so true

[@giuliab8484]

I really relate to your comment. To be honest, I don't care about the sex, I just want to be intimate (emotionally but also physically) with someone I love

[@piotrgraniszewski8544]

@@giuliab8484: it's the best thing ever. It's as if your heart melted inside from all the cuteness.

[@giuliab8484]

@@piotrgraniszewski8544 I can't wait to experience it some day!

[@piotrgraniszewski8544]

@@giuliab8484 When you do, it will feel like being inside a romantic Hollywood movie! I am cheering for you!

[@Stanfield3future]

I guess my struggle is that, for the most part, I HAVE overcome the shame... For the most part. I feel good about my looks, my career, my ability to make people laugh, and I have made GREAT strives in these past few years in terms of self-improvement. However, every now and then, something triggers me, and I'm reminded of missing this milestone, I'm reminded that my peers are lightyears ahead of me, in this specific aspect of life. 70-80% of the time I'm good and happy, but then I'll see a couple in public, or I'll hear friends talking about their sexcapades, and then BAM! All my well-established confidence is lost.

[@Mirkk47]

Personally, not everything that glitters is gold. I'm glad I'm a virgin and not an STD ridden sex maniac who cannot see people as anything but a source of instant gratification. I mean, your friends are probably neighter but don't they have their own issues? I say, don't wish to have somebody else's issues until you've dealth with your own ones.

[@Stanfield3future]

@@Mirkk47 You're talking facts! Funnily, enough, you're point on STDs is my go-to comeback or joke whenever I feel pressed on the topic. Lol Yeah, like I said, I'm usually in a good mental space, most of the time, regarding this issue. I've forgiven myself for missing some opportunities, and I'm being more patient with the process. It's taking some time, but I might even be close to passing this milestone (Wish me luck)! I found that I'm far along in this course of action that Dr. K has laid out here. I have no issues telling a girl I find them cute, or asking for a number exchange; that's what I meant when I had said, I've dealt with the shame, for the most part. It no longer burdens me to the point where I feel like I'll never be able to function romantically or sexually. In fact, I feel like BECAUSE I've spent so much more time with myself, I have a deep understanding, appreciation, and love for who I am, and with that I feel like I can know what I need. There are some people in my friend group who find physical love easy to obtain, but they have confided in me that they feel they're missing that internal love. They have yet to conquer or acknowledge their own demons. I have my rough days, but I genuinely love myself. It's just that tiny, green, envious voice at the back of head that pesters me, every now and then. With all that being said, I'm happy where I'm at! 🧡🧡🧡

[@rightcliquegod7653]

@@Mirkk47 You are coping my friend, I am not saying those things are not true, but you are escaping. By focusing on the negatives of sex you put a band aid on your issues regarding that topic which limits your growth as an individual.

[@Mirkk47]

@@Stanfield3future I wish you luck. As in not to "score". That's the easy. As your friends suggest, keeping someone in your life is the hard part. The day to day communication to find time to spend with each other in person atleast 2ce a week. To balance your both lives. Yeah that's hard to learn for extroverts with great parents much worse for you me and anyone who wasn't that lucky. But it isn't impossible. Think of it as the road being longer, it takes more steps. And what's the outcome? Personally I don't think sex is the end goal. Like, you have sex and then what? Perhaps it's better to have goal something like "be a better person". As in be more productive for yourself and for the people around you. Become the becacon you wish someone was for you. Atleast if you'll have kids then be a damn good parent don't let them suffer don't repeat the sins of your father.

[@Mirkk47]

@@rightcliquegod7653 Not having sex limits my growth as an individual? I'm interested in how you came to that conclusion. What's the logic behind that, care to elaborate?

[@Blondiee777]

Im an Independent Escort in the UK. I've been an Escort for the past 11 years. In 2023, I met at least 10 adult virgins which I don't recall ever having met that many in one year. Most of them have been attractive guys in my opinion. They've just had low self esteem issues which I've found sad as they've been fit guys with good jobs and all hard working. A lot of them have become regulars to me now. I feel honored that they chose me to make their first time special and comfortable. But overall I think society is so desperately lacking connection. People are forgetting how to use their social skills to make real life friends and go dating because everything is online.

[@qawsedpo]

Interesting

[@KevinS47]

Well, completely agreed. What you describe seems to be very much my experience too, just lived in first person sadly!

[@bystudz6512]

"Feel honoured" when you are just making a business based of loneliness. You are not better than a weapon manufacturer to me

[@Blondiee777]

@@bystudz6512 How on earth can you compare a Sex Worker to a Weapon Manufacturer? Loneliness and Countries going to War due to religion, politics and ego are poles apart and I don't think I've ever laughed so much at a comment!! 🤣🤣🤣

[@Blondiee777]

@@cubstep1944 Ah thank you this is really lovely! 😁

[@beldonar]

It's the lack of intimacy that's really stings for me, rather than the physical aspect. My virginity feels like it represents my inability to connect meaningfully enough for people to find me attractive. It represents being alone. I think I'll just end it if I'm still like this when I turn 30-35, I don't think a lonely life is really worth living

[@Phylloscopustrochiloides]

Are you also unable to connect meaningfully with other men friends?

[@beldonar]

@@Phylloscopustrochiloides I mean sure well enough but that kind of connection isn't the same as one with an SO

[@BouLeiZRaWR]

@@beldonar it ain't gay to kiss the homie goodnight

[@Phylloscopustrochiloides]

@@beldonar okay, I am glad you at least seem to have a good friend group, I think many people here do not even have that. I hope they are able to alleviate some of that loneliness.

[@mightyquinn38]

@@Phylloscopustrochiloides well when people in your friend groups have girlfriends and have sex regularly, it can make you feel even more lonely because it's like if my friends can do it, why can't I? what makes them better than me? I don't understand why I have to be the one in this situation.

[@mthalter]

"People hate virgins. They always hated vigins. *They used to sacrifice them to the gods!*" I have never felt so represented by this statement. I too am wary of people because of the possibility of them sacrificing me to the gods.

[@D-generon]

People sacrificed virgins to gods, because they thought that virgins are pure, compared to those, who've already been in "disgusting" and "filthy" battle of genitals.

[@Tupadre97]

that shit was a bar fr

[@mima5205]

They we're sacrified because they we're precious, Like in the Bibel .. WHO should Abraham sacrify?!? 😜

[@Amphitera]

I wonder if that is why people get mad at you when you tell them you're ace. Mostly men, but some get super mad even when they don't know you at all.

[@lordescanor8232]

people hate what they dont understand, never outshine your master they say, it makes it up guys, virgins are better than non virgins, because we are intended to remain pure until marriage/right women, one women only, while obviously this doesnt work with our today standarts people rather shame other than themselfs

[@Aywusgod]

I'm a male virgin at 27. No real shame about it. I was bullied in school, left insecure and basically never even tried until I was around 20 and I'd had a glow up. I've been on several dates with girls I thought were beautiful, tried twice to have sex but fluked in bed both times because my dear old childhood trauma decided to intervene. They understood so never really was too ashamed. Basically now I'm just waiting to meet someone I feel really secure with before I do it.

[@Aywusgod]

@Jon Smith wow you must have superpowers

[@Aladius]

The more you know The other person The easier It gets. But in This case... I believe you Should know yourself more before going after someone Else. Only after you Learn who you ARE, you can Get to know other people. You got This Bro!

[@Aywusgod]

@@Aladius Thanks bro you're right, I have an awesome gf now so it all turned out well in the end

[@Aladius]

@@Aywusgod I'm proud of you. Please, don't stop improving day after day. Remember, pressure IS to mold you into something stronger, not to break you. Do not give UP, I believe in you!

[@Ingisen]

Glad to hear you faced your problems head on and moved forward. I'm turning 30 soon and I'm a Virgin. Not sure if this bothers me anymore, or I'm just delusional. Don't suppose ya got any thoughts and/or advice for this soon-to-be wizard?

[@bun5118]

The social stigma that being alone = bad is something that needs to stop. I’ve had to experience this for a big portion of my life. For me, I’ve always felt like I wasn’t mature enough or in a good place for a relationship. Which I’m fine with! I’m trying to work on myself and discover who I am before I share that with someone. I also think it’s super toxic to have your self worth tied to whether or not you’re in a relationship or even worse, being afraid to be alone. For example, my best friend is in an extremely toxic relationship (girl gives him awful ultimatums every day and sleeps around and verbally abuses him). He got out of that relationship and two months later goes back to her because he hates being alone. I would take being alone any day than having to go through that.

[@Clauudz]

This so much. I'm 26, still a virgin and never been in a relationship. As a teenager I felt really bad and insecure about this as if there was something wrong with me. Now as an adult I feel much more comfortable about it, but sometimes someone just feels the need to go out of their way and make you feel bad again with a brief comment such as "You're a sweet person, so how come you never had a relationship?" Also sorry to hear about your friend. :( That's a tough situation and unfortunately there is only so much you can do to help.

[@lorzon]

The social stigma stems from the fact that humans are social animals. A solitary human in the forest or on the veldt has death following them and is thus a danger to both kin and village.

[@jrconway3]

@@lorzon "It is not good for man to be alone" Whether talking from a religious or evolutionary standpoint, humans were not meant to be alone.

[@lorzon]

@@jrconway3 Anthropologically, you are right. A solitary human is a dead human. But forming social bonds with kith and kin to guard against an unsafe and uncaring world is a far cry from fornicating with random people you barely know. Those bonds are sacred and not to be entered into lightly "because it's fun". I am not a good case study for this. I am alone as much out of choice as circumstance. I am 44 and do not participate is society other than the minimum requirements for my obligations to work and family. I don't go out, even when invited. In fact the thought of it frightens me terribly. My conversations usually consist of rote truisms and shallow deflections. I've always been like this, as long as I can remember. I've always felt always been better for everyone else if I stay in my space and keep to myself. I don't miss being social, because I've never been social, at since I was a child. There was no one, when I was younger, to recognize how utterly useless I am socially. To think that I might not be normal. Certainly not my parents, God bless them, they had all they could do to get my brother and sister brought up and even my brother is still single at 42. But my sister is married with kids, so that's good enough I guess. I too old, too stubborn and far too lost to change my ways though. So I'll just trundle along.

[@StochasticUniverse]

In fairness, I don't think the stigma actually IS that being alone = bad. I think it's that, "Not having your needs met is bad." Like if someone were anorexic and weighed 90 pounds, that's objectively bad because their bodies have needs that aren't being met. Their hair and teeth and going to start falling out. It just isn't healthy. Sexual needs are ABSOLUTELY needs that people have, too, just as much and at least as strong, if not stronger, than most other forms of psychological need. So if someone has sexual needs that aren't met, it's bad. Anyone that has ever experienced sexual frustrtaion knows that it's unpleasant, just like anyone that has ever had a papercut knows that it's unpleasant. Are you going to die from the papercut? No. Are you going to die from not having sex? No. But they both suck in their own way, and not having to deal with their unpleasantness would be preferable for most people. Now, some people may have different levels of sexual needs. Some may have little to no needs in that regard, and more power to them. But one's needs are what they are, and anyone that has unmet needs is not optimally healthy. The question isn't, therefore, "Are you having sex?" Instead, it's, "Are your sexual needs being met?" It's possible to be sexless but still not have any unmet needs if you don't have any sexual needs in the first place, but to tbe clear, this is not typical of most adult humans.

[@marcusa2252]

This honestly feels impossible as you get older. The shame becomes worse. Social connections from your youth die off. You're much more lonely. It's harder to connect with people. I tried therapy and drugs for 8 years and never found it helpful. I never worked with a therapist that actually helped me. They would just follow generic CBT or DBT practices and hoped that would work it seems. It was always quiet. They never knew what to say or how to help me. Towards the end I got tired of spending thousands of dollars on therapy, drugs, and TMS treatment which went nowhere (also $2000 out of pocket for ambulance rides alone when I went to a psych ward). I gave up on mental health professionals. My mental health seems to be getting worse. Being a virgin at 31 is part of it but there's so much going on in my fucked up brain. Eventually I think there's a high chance I'll kill myself. I can see now why middle aged men have the highest suicide rate.

[@Pegyson]

Before you do, talk to me about it. I'm in your same position at 18 so I can relate to you

[@Darth_Bateman]

@@Pegyson stop pretending you care, and just let the man die with his dignity in tact.

[@bimajuantara]

I'm so sorry man. Hope everything will get better for you, Marcus.

[@djdrjmusic]

That sounds rough, dude. It's hard to have hope when you've tried so much that hasn't gone anywhere.

[@adamlevy8971]

I understand that you feel hopeless. You deserve friendship and community. What do you think it was about these generic therapy practices that never seemed to help you?

[@114MrCool]

It gets to the point where clearly there is something I’m not seeing that is wrong with me so whenever anyone asks “how have you never had a girlfriend?!” My go to answer is “well you’ve met me.”

[@hellscream46]

“well you’ve met me.” what does this mean?..

[@lordmasterdr2740]

@@hellscream46 He's insulting himself; saying because the other person has talked to him that they now know why a potential significant other would dislike him. I've done the same and I am also in the same position. However, Dr. K's on to something here. All we need is a little courage to fail and then we will succeed. I'm not giving up and neither should you @114MrCool

[@PanHanos]

I think they're just trying to encourage you and remind you that you're a great catch. Obviously they can't carry your confidence on your behalf, but I think you should make an effort to accept that positive feedback. As Dr k mentioned, humans cling onto negative information more by nature, but it doesn't need to be the case. Personally when I ask that, it's genuine and so I'd like to believe others mean that compliment as well, so I guess I'd say others are seeing sth GOOD in you, not sth wrong with you.

[@bimajuantara]

Lmao same. Everytime people told me that I'm somewhat attractive I always replied with "Are you blind? you should probably get your eyes checked out" instinctively. I feel you man.

[@dper727]

@@PanHanos no, i've seen a lot of malicious people ask that question. people who ask those questions should be shut down immediately. op, you have to stand up for yourself and learn to tell them off. it's usually not coming from a place of love, they are usually just trying to make fun of you. Don't betray yourself nor insult yourself, if it's a girl ask her why she is asking that question, it will usually put the spotlight on her and don't let her bring it back to you. if it's a guy you can almost be certain he is making fun of you unless you are really close.

[@captainngoose]

Society is heavily s*x obsessed and as a repulsed asexual, it never made sense to me. I feel no shame because there's realistically no reason to. Everyone is different and not everyone is interested in that stuff, and thats okay. I did get made fun of at school for it, but it didn't hurt me specifically. A LOT of issues could be tied to societal pressures, honestly. Which is sad.

[@tiredgremlin6315]

Also ace here and i 100% agree. There is a big pressure to do something that 90% of the rest of the world seems to be obsessed over and if you don't, you're broken and sub-human. It shouldn't be that way. I just want to live my life being me.

[@KitannaColumbine]

AroAce person. People have gotten upset with my AroAceity because: 1) “It doesn’t produce children” The end goal of all human things is NOT children. We do things with ZERO INTEREST in childbirth. Seems like a cover story to hide the reality that they’re secondhand ashamed that I’m a virgin and I’m like “bro this is a church and I just got here” 2) “You must be so lonely/depressed/broken” They frame it as if friendships aren’t fulfilling enough. Or like antidepressants shouldn’t be enough, you need s3x and romance. Romance is the road to happiness, having friends is insignificant and depressing and sad by comparison. You’re missing a few cogs if you don’t want a wedding and intercourse. I’m fulfilled because I’ve made connections with wholesome and sweet people. I don’t feel empty or hungry just because of a lack of s3x. That’s why I say I don’t want it. Also the weird thing people do when they act like you “led them on” when you were convinced that you were personable and kind enough. I’m like “dude I wasn’t trying to trick you or string you along. I liked psychology and Doki Doki Literature Club very loudly around you for 53 hours”

[@tiredgremlin6315]

@@KitannaColumbine Whats interesting about the first point is that people used to say that about people attracted to the same sex as well. That a relationship like that can't produce children so it can't be real. But we've come a long way since then and I hardly hear people say that about same sex relationships anymore so why the fuck are people using that silly excuse to be discriminatory against asexuals and aromantics today??

[@KitannaColumbine]

@@tiredgremlin6315 “Everyone wants kids, you’re lying!” …what 😀

[@ilikeflamingos69]

@@KitannaColumbine i hope you don’t consider urself apart of the lgbt

[@TheStarrySky-sb9df]

I used to feel insecure with being a virgin at age 21-23, but since age 25 until now (26), the thought of “oh I’m still a virgin” just doesn’t crept up and make me feel negative anymore. I don’t know why. Probably because I am just fine with how things are and I think I’m so introverted that I don’t want to give my time to anyone else if I happen to date in the future.

[@DoggyDisk]

Writing out how you feel about yourself is so crucial. I did it with my therapist and my progress jumped tremendously. My first attempt at as scathing and full and f generalization. If you could hear my self-talk, you’d think I was in an abusive relationship. The second attempt was a response to the first attempt, and was much more forgiving and realistic. It allowed me to be flawed and a continuous work-in-progress. Instead of an abject failure. The intrusive thoughts started to lighten up after that.

[@Phylloscopustrochiloides]

That's awesome to hear that the technique was so powerful and effective for you! Hopefully others will be inspired by your efforts and try the same. :)

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

You WERE in an abusive relationship......with yourself. But writing can be very helpful. Also energetic therapies like EFT, Reiki can really turbo charge any therapy you may get, esp as the former can be self applied.

[@TideV2]

The missed milestone part is huge. How many people's parents create an environment of shame or even disgust around relationships and sex causing their own children to later on become dysfunctional due to subconscious rationalization of "missed" milestones that were essentially intentionally forgone but not to the child's long term benefit. This should be talked about more. Parents and now society demonize the very things that are essential to the formation of healthy self esteem and relationships. This isnt a huge issue for young women because they have about a dozen avenues of reassurance, but for young men their adult lives can be stunted or even completely sabotaged due to a misunderstanding of the importance of these very milestones while in adolescence and young adult. Great video.

[@stephenjones5304]

Thanks. I have purposely missed these so-called milestones so that I could be free to explore Nature, read books, etc. I never wanted a relationship despite a high sex drive. The key is to set your priorities early in life and discipline yourself enough to resist the peer pressure that comes from a bunch of herd followers who get approved of by leading a conventional life. Senior male virgin.

[@PatriotResearchGal]

As a 40-something female virgin, women also can be caught in the family shunting of social interaction. Grew up in a religious home in which dating wasn’t allowed until I moved out. I have been shamed for being overweight my whole life. Dating didn’t happen in college and on and on we go. Male or female, if no social skills are taught or encouraged, it’s a massive setback. Having real relationship skills taught in the home (ie, boundaries, conflict resolution, etc) is also necessary. If the basics are missing, then the complex seems impossible. Thank you for pointing out the family of origin has a role to play as well. 🙏🏻

[@persto5794]

"People hate virgins. They used to sacrifice them to the gods" The way I fucking cackled and laughed my ass off. I have never loved a phrase more in my life

[@oooiluvpancakesooo7781]

One thing I will say as a 35 year old female virgin, is that most people don’t know I’m a virgin. Im beyond the point that people ask me the dirty details of sexual encounter I supposedly had, and I’m old enough that people just assume that I have at some point. I will say that I have never told anyone that I’m not. Im lucky I’m a woman tho. I have had people who were interested but I’m terrified of the act and self conscious about my looks. So I’ve always avoided it.

[@OksanaHavryliuk-t7z]

As a woman, I would like to encourage you to love yourself and your body. Take a look at yourself from the painter perspective maybe. From which century masterpiece you might be coming? Is it 17th, medieval, preraphaelites? Imagine yourself inside some erotic play. Which role would you like to have: are you tender, slightly cold, passionate? Or, just imagine that you're the only person on the planet Earth. So, you can feel secure: no judging, walking naked on the meadow under the soft sunshine... My point is, no matter if you have sex or not, you shouldn't have deep fears about it. Fears make us weak and limited. Maybe read some psychologists/ sexologists. You have to discover, appreciate and love your feminity. Because, it's not something you can get from even the best relationship in the world. You have to nurture it inside by yourself. It's one of our women's jobs:) Ps: I'm a 34y.o. virgin;)

[@jaimequinonez7612]

that low self-esteem i mean because of what you just wrote "conscious about the way you look" you can work on that, go to a gym but not for anybody else, but for yourself. i hope you get to value your own body

[@psycatnip]

37 year-old female virgin here too 👋, who also used to feel a lot of fear around sex. It took getting creative in my sexual exploration (i.e. learning how to masturbate, and doing rated R text roleplay in a well-boundaried online RPG server) so that I now think I could be comfortable enough to act if I needed/wanted to. It's been kind of like exposure therapy. I also went to therapy at the same time and processed my internal reactions to everything with my therapist. All this to say, there might be ways to navigate out of the fear without having to jump feet first into the deep end.

[@nobodysperfect06]

​@@psycatnipare you saying you have a fear of sex

[@madamebkrt]

@@OksanaHavryliuk-t7z Damn I love this comment so much, I needed to read this today.

[@sageoftruth]

For me, it's mostly FOMO. There's definitely other factors that have kept me a virgin, but lack of interest has been a big one. I feel like I've built up all the other things in my life: Social skills, a circle of friends, financial security, hobbies. Frankly, I feel like I could possibly grow old and die a virgin and have no regrets, but a part of me keeps worrying that one day my outlook on this will change and it will be too late to fix it. I'm almost 40 now, and the fact that almost all of my friends are starting families left and right is only making it harder to ignore that I'm willfully passing up a huge milestone, and may never catch up if I suddenly wish to.

[@squamish4244]

Better to do something about it now or in the next x number of years than end up old and regretting it. If things don't work out, at least you won't have that regret.

[@sageoftruth]

​@@squamish4244 It's not easy to do, when I don't even want one yet. I've tried dating two times, and both times, it eventually led to us ending it and becoming friends. All I felt was relief when that happened. Relationships take work, and the uncertain possibility of wanting one, someday isn't much of a motivator to put in that work. I'm pretty sure both dates failed because I didn't have that need or longing to push me to work past being friends.

[@jelaninoel]

The FOMO is real. For me it’s never being able to know what it’s like to have done it in highschool. The sneaking out, having no responsibilities, the trying to find every opportunity to get it on due to raging hormones. The summer time youth. Sounds like a hell of a time

[@svenbtb]

Why can't you? There's plenty of people your age who are single, or recently divorced, etc. You might have to accept that people in your dating pool have kids, but if you don't mind that then there's plenty of time and opportunity left for you.

[@sageoftruth]

@@svenbtbThat's true. Sadly, I don't do well with kids, so the pool would probably be a bit lower. But there's always time.

[@bnsyphotography2104]

I’m 23 and still a virgin. Never had a girlfriend. Never made out with a girl. I’m an introvert and quiet. I do talk a lot at work, as it’s my job to communicate a lot to customers and co workers. I work as a vehicle detailer. I’m still very young, but I feel left out. I see couples younger than me in relationships. Seeing them hold hands, kissing in public. I wish I had that. A lot of the time I feel as if no girls like me, or will ever like me. It makes me insecure of my looks, if I’m visually attractive. Because I’m still very young, I want to experience a relationship, kissing on a bench in a park somewhere, walking through the park holding hands, making jokes, being silly, go on adventures together. Being snuggled up at home watching a movie together. I really hope a girl comes into my life somehow soon.

[@KevinS47]

No, no and no. Don't hope for things to happen, it's NEVER gonna happen that way... You don't just stumble on a girl who falls in love with you and viceversa.. take things your own hands, start dressing like a man (you are what you wear) instead of a boy, learn how to flirt (by joking around with girls you have no interest in), and get on some dating apps (swipe left on most girls, in order to be exposed more by the algorithm and gain more matches), and try to go on as many dates as possible. If you're too shy to kiss her in the moment, ask her. On the date ask to hold her hand and at some point look at her in a moment of silence and say "Look, I usually don't time this well, I wanna know if you'd like to kiss..?"... That's how I got my first kiss at 25 finally. She wasn't the one, so I let her go, but if you suck at the game it all boils down to the fact that you just gotta play a lot more.

[@stepha2642]

So? You're super young. It isn't a big deal to be a virgin at 23.

[@MinecraftDezhusmam]

​​@@stepha2642 23 years old is full grown adult a 23 years old is adult virgin stop saying 23 years old is super young 23 is adult who's old enough to have sex stop treating this 23 years old a minor because they aren't minors they already pass the age of consent 5 years ago

[@rickgrimesdirtyondatass5672]

Sitting around will never make it happen since when you have the chance your to awkward and will fumble it I know I’ve been there. You have to just keep talking to girls trying. Adopt a persona of confidence and use that more and more till that confidence is real. You will get rejected a lot like 9/10 times a lot but just keep rolling one will agree to hang with you. I’m with that girl now still together. If I took everything I know now I could be a total player. We share a thing called love though I was just in it to lose my v card found more. You have to just keep trying or you will never get anything you want. When you hit that milestone everything else after involving woman becomes a whole lot easier.

[@andrewevans7992]

@@stepha2642kinda is when kids nowadays starting at 12-14..

[@Sluppie]

There has to be a healthy alternative to the weird extremes of "sex is everything" and "b***s ain't shit", but those are the only two narratives being broadcasted most of the time. If I had to say anything to this guy, it would be, "You don't have to feel bad about feeling bad."

[@wesnohathas1993]

Extremes have a natural tendency to be the most vocal. Healthy mindsets are the ones you don't see because they aren't causing any problems.

[@ExeErdna]

@@wesnohathas1993 They cause problems because there's a whole social stigma. Like Virgin and Incel are thrown around if you have a negative option about something that ISN'T sexual. Like you disliking a popular show or somebody on youtube.

[@Mirkk47]

I don't know. Maybe he has a valid reason for feeling bad. Maybe not. That's why therapy is a long process you cannot assume anyone's life and situation and there is no fit-all answer to any issue. But yes, extremes aren't healthy. People need to make their own journey and find their own answers. For me it's more like. Why would I need a woman? Why would I need sex? I take care of myself well enough. I don't want sex for the sake of having sex. I don't want a woman for the sake of having a woman. If she comes and makes my life better, cool. If not, I'm good. I'm not sacrifing my life goals for anyone and my life goals aren't having sex.

[@kubli365]

"no sex before marriage" kek

[@Blensidi]

The comment I was looking for. The most realistic solution out of all.

[@Gajsu1]

Im 31yo virgin. It's extremely hard to socialize when you feel like an absolute loser inside, as society despise virgins. The thought of being one of them, one of the losers, and at the same time - having to pretend like you are not one, is so exhausting. There is a reason why being called an incel, virgin is an insult. It basically equals to being a loser, worthless. I had so many sucidial thoughts because of that. I've been going to therapy for almost 2.5 years now and it is still burned in my mind. Everytime i start talking to someone at some point of the conversation out of nowhere my mind reminds me that "You are 31yo virgin, loser, piece of shit, remember that", and then it disappears. And now i feel stressed AF that it might somehow show up in my behavior and as people will discover that, they will feel disgusted and i will be discarded shortly after.

[@CapitalTeeth]

Yeah, I can relate. It hasn't happened often, but whenever things like this get brought up in conversation among my friends, I end up feeling like a loser who will never get anywhere in life, because I'm the odd one for never experiencing sex. Granted, I don't let it get to me, and forget about it 5 minutes later when the subject of the conversation changes, but it really does feel like what you said when it does happen. I hope you can get over those depressing thoughts, man. I can't speak for myself regarding that, but it sounds like a very nasty thing to have to deal with. At the end of the day, just remember that you know yourself whether you're better than the likes of those virgin loser pieces of shits that you speak of. Because those people, they're not good people.

[@giuliab8484]

Something that could help you a lot imo is trying to do positive self talk. It can be hard at times, but if you imagine yourself talking negatively to your younger version of yourself, it might make you feel more empathetic towards yourself

[@arjielu22]

Honestly, you'd be surprised by the people who don't care and will make accomodations for you,,,I was playing a drinking game with some people I barely knew, but all the prompts involved sex one way or another even though I was a virgin, but a girl nearby heard me mention it and made a prompt for me that didn't involve sex at all :) Plus, everyone else had to drink during a round of "never have I ever" because I never had sex ahahah😎 Your wasting your time and energy feeling shame for something that hasn't happened to a good number of people in this comment section,and the people who do care YOU should be the one discarding them (not to invalidate your mental health struggles, because it seems to originate from your core beliefs.) I know you won't believe me right now, but you aren't a waste!! No more than everyone else on this earth, anyway...practicing neutrality really helped me develop a better relationship with myself. Thinking objectively true thoughts when I feel bad about myself. People are so quick to jump straight into positivity from negativity, but that never worked for me. Hope this works for you :)

[@AbuBased731]

It's ØvER

[@ffnovice7]

I just used spite to get over my insecurity. It just made it all the more worse now that I've lost my innocence to someone who didn't deserve it, and now I feel empty and wayward, and feel completely stunted in my opposite sex relationships

[@sammy1025]

When I was a virgin I was very insecure and ashamed of it. I managed to lose it awhile back and those feelings went away. I really feel for people going through it. It’s something I only shared with my therapist.

[@magnificentpup2875]

How old were you? I’m 20 and a virgin, but I chose to be.

[@sammy1025]

@@magnificentpup2875 22

[@jmard3101]

@@sammy1025 Im currently 25, sadly im losing patience :( .

[@BlingIsSpring]

That’s the worst thing though. Regardless of the countless people that tell you “it isn’t a big deal” or “sex is overrated”. You truly don’t feel good about yourself until you do lose it.

[@Jordan64852]

I’m a virgin but I’m afraid that if I lost it my feelings wouldn’t go away like my friends have offered to hook me up before with people I didn’t know but it felt wrong like it would never feel like it “counted” if I didn’t have an emotional connection

[@mgabss]

In my experience, I feel like no one talks about how when you are an adult (or young adult ) virgin your only reference of sex is literally porn. And that's another layer of shame, because you have certain expectations of sex even if you have been told that isn't real, but you don't know what IS real. So years pass by and you really have no clue of what to expect and if real sex even turns you on.

[@danielhughes3758]

I can relate to this so much. Being 33 and now finally having lost my virginity it was such a different experience seeing porn or even just movies where people kiss. I was on an airplane a few days after and saw 4 movies in a row where people were kissing and my reaction was "I can finally relate to what that feels like!" I used to watch things and wonder how on earth it would feel like and now I watch it and deeply yearn for more instead

[@YesIHaveManyProblemsThanks]

the realest thing Ive read in a while! I dont watch porn (it makes me too angry) so I dont even have bad context to what things would be like if somehow I was given the chance.

[@bmoe4609]

@@danielhughes3758 im 24 turn 25 still virgin female (i masturbate tho n sx toys). But you said u could finally relate to the kissing n stuff after u did it. N i struggle with tht in general. Like i cant ever relate cuz i dont even kw what it feel like. Im so antisocial n to myself

[@danielhughes3758]

@@bmoe4609 At some point you'd need to do some things differently probably to get into the kind of situation to experience it. I am 33 though, so you still have time until you get to my age. Even at 33 experiencing it for the first time is still better late than never

[@MichaelCravith]

Thank you. You nailed it. No pun intended.

[@PossibleBat]

I didn’t want to keep being a virgin at 26, so I rushed to lose it only to realize my life was the same, only my own perception changed, because I felt like I was missing out on such an important part of life, of self gratification and intimacy. When I was a virgin I felt infantilized all the time, I felt ugly and unwanted, I felt like an outcast, like I was less than, and it was horrible. So, I kept it secret, I never told anyone and I pretended. Yes, it wasn’t my best choice but that’s what I did. It’s been 2 years and my love life continues to be non existent, I actually want a deep connection and a relationship, I participated in hookup culture once and it was enough for me.

[@chasemcdaniel3620]

I'm a 32 year old male virgin. I feel similar to you. But I'm torn. I feel like I want a relationship. But I also desire sex. And I also think that theirs a good chance I'll hurt the first person I have sex with. If you and I had sex for example. If you asked me if I was ready for a relationship I truly wouldn't know what to tell you. And I would also be curious if you even desire sex with me. I definitely wouldn't want to say" I want a relationship". If that relationship involved little sexuality. Which all of that makes me think I need to do what you did. I need to hookup with a few women. Part of me wants to. Part of me feels like I'd be playing a game with women. I don't think most people care. Either way I don't know how to hookup with women. What was your experience? I don't even know how to bring up sex to women. How quickly should I make it sexual? If a girl has questions what do I even say? This issue is depressing. I try not to think about it. But that makes it worse. Because I don't have any of the habits other people do. I'm considering just being totally honest. Just tell people I'm a virgin and I'm trying to get laid. I don't know if that would get me laid or get me shunned. Maybe I should make a tender profile and just lay it all out. Any advice from a woman would be helpful. It's like I don't want to be a typical gross guy. But I feel like I have to be one. And I actually do have a sexual side that wants hot kinky sex. Their is no point in denying it. But I don't know how to talk about it. I feel like women don't even want sex sometimes. Just based on how they talk about it in public. I'm just lost

[@pricklycats]

Trust me it gets way better. Sex with someone you love is a whole different ballgame. And you have more time to practice and try new things, unlike hookups where you have to shove everything into one night. It took my gf and I like 6 whole months just to start having really good sex. So losing your virginity with someone you don't really love or like that much is basically guaranteed to not be very good. Sex is a skill.

[@yuriimarshalofficial]

Hookup “mainstream” is a lie. I really happy to hear you didn’t join that mad race. To be loved and to love is much more better than just prove someone you’re adult.

[@WeebsArePathetic]

Do you still feel like an infant? Like did your mental health improve from that experience? I can have sex prob whenever but I always associated it with having a deep connection with someone and I never wanted to have casual sex. I still don't want to and it goes completely against my values, but I also feel like complete trash. Idk.

[@yuriimarshalofficial]

@@WeebsArePathetic so that’s why I don’t want casual sex and don’t have it for 9 years, working as a programmer. It feels dirty and trashy. But honestly I’m tired to see beloved each spring and summer. This fk modern world is compatible for ones and completely empty for others.

[@chelseashamim9148]

Virgin shaming also happens to women. Society needs to stop pushing sexuality onto people

[@averyhaferman3474]

If you're a woman and you're a virgin you're cool af. If you're a dude you're lame af

[@gvsmani4810]

Yes it does,who said no?

[@hexapon133]

​@gvs Mani I mean western society pushes sex on everything because "sex sells" It's everywhere in our culture and the entertainment industry feeds the notion of not having sex is bad.

[@346ask]

The only difference is it's other women that shame you. For men it's everyone. Men actually prefer to marry a virgin.

[@thegoremachine4258]

Nah bruv virgin girls are praised

[@ThaOneChrisJONES]

It gets kinda frustrating, people tell me I'm a "nice guy" and I make girls "feel comfortable" and I'm a big, strong, handsome guy etc.. and apparently that gives me an advantage.. but it doesn't feel like it. Which just leads to a confusing and depressing "Then what's wrong with me ?" type of situation. And it becomes worse when my friends start talking about buying me an escort to "pop my cherry" which just destroys my confidence even more because it's like.. I have to PAY if I'm ever going to have sex ? I don't wanna be some douchbag fuck boy but I do desire that intimate connection. Sometimes I wonder if it's just some grand social experiment, with which the universe is withholding this from me ( and others ) for some reason.

[@ty-xq7bl]

chad only

[@inquisitionagent9052]

Nah I'll just be honest with you. You just got a skill issue. Genetics has blessed you. You suffer from no horrific deformities. You're not short. And by your own admission women find you handsome. Even after all that if you can't find a girl that's on you. Some of us are out here working with nothing. But we're making it work. Some dudes are such absolute "specimens" that they make this whole love thing look like an impossible task. But we make it work. Meanwhile all you're doing is squandering your potential. So I suggest you get out of your own head and get on with it. You are your own biggest obstacle. You dont get to ask for sympathy when you're doing it to yourself. That's the brutally honest truth of the matter. There is no grand universal conspiracy to keep you single and lonely. You just suck. The good news it that you can stop at any time and be awesome. The potential is there. Stop wasting it

[@jaybennet4491]

Bro, i'd kill to have friends that would do that for me. To pay to be lied to doesn't sound too bad considering we do that already everyday.

[@ThaOneChrisJONES]

Update: Shortly after this I actually got with two girls ( separate occasions ) and messed around with another within like 3 or 4 months. So uh.. I guess sometimes you just gotta wait. lol 🤷

[@firstnameonradio]

am 44 and people have always given me crap for not having a gf. as result of strict upbringing, being an only child and getting picked on at an early age, my social skills are pretty much nonexistent. am about 6'2 and work out but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you can't socialize. It's always easier for the folks who had a privileged upbringing to stand there and say 'well, all you have to do is go over and talk.....'. Yeah, it's easier for them. They had it easy in the beginning.

[@murderman8578]

Did you try things to better yourself

[@firstnameonradio]

@@murderman8578 yeah man, did the best I could in terms of improving myself. I did 6 years in the Air Force but that was really a challenge due to the fact I had no social skills and was awkward during my whole Enlistment. It was a challenging attempt on my part but as I mentioned before social skills learned early on in life are very important. Would've greatly helped myself no doubt.

[@murderman8578]

@@firstnameonradio Even with all the improvements you still gotten a fair chance with women That's tough man especially at your age where women are expecting some romantic experience Chances and Luck are looking very slim

[@firstnameonradio]

@@murderman8578 thanks for the honesty. best thing for myself is the suffering is halfway over but at the very least my legacy can be for all the individuals who may be dealing with loneliness to just let them know start as early as you can to learn social skills. to quote one my favorite bands, It's so important to make best friends in life.

[@murderman8578]

@@firstnameonradio Yeah it gets harder and harder when get older and lack any of this

[@undead5142]

Hi Dr. K., a shameful virgin male (27) here, I just stumbled across your video. When I was four years old I got diagnosed with rare vaccine damage three days after the polio injection. Nerves in my limbs who transfer sensory information to the brain got affected. I still remember the day, when my dad picked me up from Kindergarten, my legs couldn't hold me anymore and I feel - over and over. Years have past. I was able to walk a few meters without assistance. I had future milestones and goals in my head. Five years ago I suddently got a pneumothorax (my left lung collapsed) - my muscles weakend and almost whitered away, due to the fatique and lack of movement. Resulting me, using walk assisting things - after a long needed therapy session, a wheelchair too. Even my voice got deeper - I still sound like CorpseHusband without breath. I am always pitying or belittle myself for it. If I'm not feeling the usage of my wheelchair, I use my upperbody strength to crawl in a sitting position from room to room. I generally hate nothing, but I despice anyone seeing me in that situation. My depression worsened. Having a handicap and not being able to (physical disadvantage) fullfill my milestones and goals was shameful and soul-crushing to me. Like "walking" with a "future girlfriend" hand in hand on a sunny beach. How do people with a visual physical impairment get over their shamefulness? How can a girl fall in love with the abomination I am? How can I get the courage to get over my insecurities? Thank you so much for reading this. Lastly, I anyone from the community could help me - Let me know! Much love!

[@JonathanWrightZA]

There's a guy with no arms and no LEGS. Works as a motivational speaker. Birth defect, so an entire life without limbs. Last name like Vucicic or something. HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL WIFE. Boggles my mind, but I believe it.

[@JonathanWrightZA]

I checked again. His name is Nicholas Vujicic. You've got better chance than he did, and he made it ;)

[@voice_0f_reason]

Just here to say that you're not an abomination. Life was a bit harsh on you, sure, but give yourself a chance. Then others will follow suit. Sorry for being vague, idk how to give any real advice for your situation.

[@squamish4244]

There are dating websites and apps for people with physical disabilities (and psychological disabilities). There are affordable matchmaking services too, you might want to try and see if there is one in your area. I joined one. I have psychiatric issues and dating has been a very difficult challenge, so I paid for professionals to help do it for me.

[@undead5142]

@@squamish4244 thank you very much for your advice. can you name a few of those apps? :)

[@Synthacrat]

My issue is not even meeting people and conversing. It's literally finding people that are single. Every women I meet is either married / boyfriend, or not interested. Imagine that. I used to think it was me, but I am confident that it's not all 100% an issue with me. At some point, something has got to give.....

[@kaptain524]

As a male virgin in my 40s who was bullied a lot as a child, just now learning about my C-PTSD and other issues... Having never been able to even ask someone out on a date due to social anxiety... I have often thought of my "virginity trap" as having "not only missed the boat, but it got lost at sea and sank to the bottom of the ocean." I have often thought about this topic, losing hope since I cannot return to my teenage years and have that missed experience... This video has actually given me a lot of hope that I can build a new boat.

[@manosijroy8282]

Damn man really in your 40s? Have you been on dates before? I am a guy who turned 23 over a month ago(on 22nd December) and I never had a girlfriend before. I did go on my first ever date 4-5 months ago. She was 19(turned 20 a couple of weeks ago) and we went to the mall, ate in Mcdonalds and got my first hug but yet to get my first kiss and I pulled her cheeks a lot but 2 weeks after the date, she turned out to be mean to me and blocked me everywhere. She basically used me for free lunch and to take pics of her which she can post on social media. I also have a big crush on this girl who is in the class where I go for preparation of exams to get into an MBA B School as I just graduated college 6 months ago and planning to study MBA. She also turned 23 just 2 weeks ago and she has been my crush for 6 months. She has called me cute several times and I pulled her cheeks too and 2 days ago I even gave her a chocolate but I am shy near her and girls in general in person so she is the one who initiates convos with me and she has some male friends too so I feel worried. 5 days ago, I got a new crush on this another girl in the same institute who is also within 21-23 age range and she is one of the prettiest girl I have ever seen. We aren't in the same classrooms and I have been too shy to approach her but finally with the help of my friends and one of her classmate, I did approach her and was able to talk to her asking each other's names and which classroom we are in but I am afraid that she is probably out of my league but her classmate said she is single but idk whether my nervousness was a turnoff for her and I am still nervous about talking with her next time again. 3-4 months ago, I also went out with a female friend in the same class in that institute who is also 23 and we had a lunch in a big restaurant but idk whether to count it as a date and we had fun and might go out again. For the past 7 months, I also have been chatting on Instagram with this another girl who is 19(turning 20 in April). She used to be in the same school as me but didn't know each other in school days. We are both foodies and send each other virtual hugs daily in the chats and plan to meet up to eat somewhere too and she is very sweet. Sadly in the end I am still single.

[@frostpst477]

The chop sticks was actually quite a good representation, you don’t need both sticks but it sure makes it much easier.

[@evanever]

"Well, you could always stab things with one but... [that's how serial killers are born]." was how I thought he'd end that analogy.

[@alphachrome713]

I've struggled a lot with this stuff. I'm only 20, but throughout my life in school and college I've felt like I'm lagging behind a lot compared to other people, and all my attempts to even get a female friend have failed. I have a lot of difficulty maintaining friendships in person - I think my autism is likely to blame here but since I'm "normal enough" most of the time, I don't think that's an excuse I can rely on anymore. Every single interaction I have with other people feels either fake or forced, which makes being able to have any kind of social bond very troublesome, especially in a world where unspoken norms and rules are built around a completely different pattern of thinking to mine. I've never kissed a girl. I've never been on a date. I've tried but failed multiple times. The closest I've ever felt is being accepted as a person who isn't an asshole, and being tolerated at best by others. Online chats don't help either, because none of them feel genuine either. They don't care about me at all; they care about the words on a screen. If they met me in person, they wouldn't give me the support and intimacy they claim they would, because it's easy to assume that you'll never actually meet them.

[@astk5214]

buy a who're

[@ShippoIsCute18]

Autism is autism. No matter if your needs are “only” level 1 (previously known as high functioning), that doesn’t mean you don’t have social challenges related to your autism. Unfortunately things like socializing and talking to people are always going to feel rather alien and awkward. After all, you wouldn’t blame a person in a wheelchair for not being able to walk. So not only have you not meet these milestones set by your peers but you also have a huge disadvantage. Trying to downplay your disabilities and attempting to be “almost normal” will eventually lead to burn out. A lot of the advise in this video is rather good but does not focus on someone with Autism. I know that the thought of talking to people in a party is such a foreign concept. Small talk is not something I like, understand, or wish to engage with, especially not in a loud, crowded, smelly, and overly stimulating environment like a party. I’m 10 years older than you and already did the whole college party and attempts to socialize. It never felt natural to me either. I did, however, gain friendships through mutual interests and came to terms that it will take me longer to form connections. There are many Autistic people with partners and fulfilling relationships. Work with what you have, improve what you can, and acknowledge your limitations.

[@kalle5548]

I'm the same age as you, and I've struggled a lot, I don't have any diagnosis (probably mostly because I've never tested for it), recently I've found success in the most random way possible, the thing I found is that if a person isn't right for me, no matter my skills, self improvement ex... it wouldn't work out. I kinda stopped trying and gave up, not really working out and stuff. Recently, I accidentally stumbled across a girl on a friend's snapchat account, and we just clicked, super natural. I'm 99.9% sure the problem isn't you. You just haven't had time to find the right partner yet. Don't stress about finding a partner since you have plenty of time, and if she is right for you, she won't care about a lack of experience. Plenty of girls our age are also virgin and have a lack of experience, some of them really pretty. Good luck, my fellow human

[@Augustus_Imperator]

it's not just about the chat, even in reral life, no one really cares about anyone else but themselves, they just can mask it very well

[@johnwalker1058]

I get the feeling that being a late virgin is like the social equivalent of the job paradox. In the job paradox, you can't build work experience until you've worked a job, but you can't get a job in the first place because nobody around you wants to hire someone with no prior work experience. With virginity, a person might be seen as "broken," "ugly," or "unlovable" until they finally manage to have sex with someone, but nobody apparently wants to have sex with a virgin. In both situations, the person can feel trapped in an infinite loop of hopeless helplessness.

[@slavwolf94]

Catch 22

[@madamebkrt]

I was just saying this in another thread, lol. From the perspective of female virginity, but still - No one wants someone who has had many sexual partners, yet at the same time it's undesirable to be a virgin.

[@fawkes.6820]

28 year old male virgin and everything comes with it. Held no hands in a romantic way, or kissing, been actually humiliated publicly for trying in highschool so that made my last 3 years a pain, and I feel empty. Raised by both parents who gave me skills from learning to do taxes, laundry, car fixes, how to be a handyman around the home etcetera but the times I tried to date after high school college I was ignored despite learning how to get "GAME" yet that led to me getting rejected and trying different approaches where it still failed till I met one shy nerdy girl. An GF I managed to get who was not 10 out 10 but she had that cute nerdy round glasses and shy personality I fell for. She had depression and she told me but I still loved her. I Would ask on phone or text "how she was? you okay?" and she do the same back when I get off work. 5 months in she loses the battle with depression...and Yeah it sound like what you think. She wanted to wait for intimacy due to being SA in the past in her childhood so I respected that. the one time I felt like actual heart throbbing or pumping for someone with the looks or hobbies that I have and only wanted to try to be there which I was all the time as best I could. I lost over 80lbs, trying to get some type of muscle but even now I still get nothing...that was 2022 and my only loving experience ended in the most horrible way...and I Feel worse because I Didn't want just sex...I lost someone I just wanted to be with for who loved me for who I am. I am afraid to change into someone to just get laid or get love. I rather stay home and play video games after working out in the morning and go to work in the afternoon then become some bad boy or asshole masochist to be happy to get my v-card stamped. I have taken therapy and talked to friends and I moved on and have and still putting my heart out there but...no one is caring or patient to want me.

[@manosijroy8282]

I am a 23 year old guy living in Bangalore in India but born in Siliguri in West Bengal in India who never had a girlfriend before, only been on 1 first date months ago at the age of 22 and then hanged out with a female friend and hugged only 2 girls in person and never been kissed. I am studying MBA now and had a few crushes in my 1st year of MBA which didn't work but now 2nd year just started for me and I finally initiated conversation with 8 girls in these 3 days after University reopened. One of them(lets call her D) is also within 21-23 age range and is my junior who is in 1st year of her MBA and we have been having good conversations and yesterday we followed each other on Instagram too and yesterday met another girl(lets call her R) who is in my University too in my same year of MBA and also within 22-24 age range and we were walking and talking while going to University and then while going to the bus stop too we went together and she let me under her umbrella too as it was raining. So both D and R had been nice and friendly to me so far. Its a big improvement as I was shy during school days and avoided talking to girls due to facing severe bullying in school. Not only that I also talked with foreign women in our city Bangalore by initiating conversations with them. As Bangalore is a major metropolitan city and the IT hub of India, foreigners do come here as expats. I talked with 3 expat women so far. Almost 5 months ago was with a French woman who was about 22-26 age range and then 2 months ago was with a German woman who was probably anywhere within 26-35 age range. But today I had the best conversation with an American woman in the cafe in this big shopping complex in the most upscale area of our city. She is an expat too and she is 29 and she was really friendly to me and was comfortable talking with me and we had a long conversation. I asked for her Instagram but unfortunately she said she doesn't even use Insta so we couldn't connect with each other but I really hope I get to meet her again as she is really pretty too but I look nerdy in my glasses too.

[@thedigitaldummy3098]

The part where he mentions never dating in high school really got to me. I went to an all boys catholic school yet everyone in my cohort seemed to have no issue finding a partner. I went to every school dance and formal alone and there was only one man I knew who did the same as he’s a close friend of mine. I just want to know how. I’d ask others how and they’d say to get on social media and while I acknowledge that my vehement opposition to doing so probably had an effect, there has to be more. I feel like I’ve been kneecapped but I didn’t even get to see what actually broke my knees.

[@spookd8700]

I agree with the whole social media thing, I don't want to meet a profile, I want to meet a person.

[@anntakamaki1960]

Went to a Catholic boys only school and everybody had a partner 🤔 🤔

[@johnk6757]

Bro you literally have your answer and won't accept it. I was afraid to use social media for years and I regret it big time

[@ykonratev]

Yeah bro it's very simple girls arent attracted to you. If you're not workout out and eating a perfectly clean diet nothing will ever change you'll be complaining about the same thing in 20 years

[@someone-ji2zb]

Majority of male teens now days don't go on a date during high school. I was 2002-2006 and even back then I would say around 40% of the guys actually were interested enough to pursue at that time. Those who did got with as many girls as humanly possible due to every girl wanting to date.

[@thelouisjohnson]

Thanks for talking about this. Stellar video. Hardly ever see it mentioned in the public sphere, especially considering how much of our social identities seemed to be focused on our sexuality.

[@thebekgo1624]

I'm a late bloomer. I've completely missed out on high school since I've been academically inclined and having a girlfriend really wasn't my priority back then. I've always been socially awkward and weird and painfully unaware of it until college. In my freshman year in college, I was alone and I avoided any social interaction because of my growing insecurity and extreme lack of self-confidence. I was scrawny and sickly. The last semester of my freshman year ended and pandemic hit, I realized I was so focused on my academics and neglected my social life. I didn't make any significant connection with my classmate. So, I started reaching out to them next year. Made some few friends. I dabbled in dating and failed multiple times. I'm less socially awkward at this point but still extremely insecure about my virginity at 20. Hearing stories from my friends losing their virginity and them describing how it felt like, made me more insecure and I had really big chip in my shoulder. I was overcompensating at everything and I got really exhausted at some point. I started going into lots of dates, and failing all of them. So, I focused on improving myself. Started lifting weights, reading books, listening to a lot of self-help podcasts, meditating, reading books, journaling, basically all things that really helped me improve my holistic health. Then, I went out more, started talking to random strangers to expose myself and build up tolerance. Fast forward to senior year in college, I'm 23 at this point, I finally got a girlfriend for the first time and I lost my virginity last month, it was not as magical my friends made it out to be, lol. But it was good, I think I'm able to overcome my insecurity now and I feel really good about myself in general. My point is just to make small incremental progress, you'll fail many times but the experience will keep on piling, and just go for it.

[@arrow2380]

At this point defeating Ukraine single handedly sounds easier than getting a girlfriend lol

[@robert-uc4mf]

Good for you .... i did go to college at age of 24 still a virgin... and i left college a virgin and still am ! Im 40 now ... and i dont watch porn for some months now ... ( so i did overcome porn addiction... ) But im socialy active ... if you believe it or not Weird but true ... and i gonna be honest i thought about Payi g for sex with a atractive girl Many times but i never did go forward with it ...

[@squamish4244]

You're only 23, lol. I know in your teens and early 20s time goes by slowly and everything seems like a huge deal, but you look back like I do and you realize that it wasn't at all. I'm 44, it seems like a million years ago and what was the big deal back then anyway?

[@brody8857]

im happy for you man. im 27 and looking back it hurts me that i never tried to get into a relationship or lose my virginity when i was younger. i was so shy and introverted and i just never thought a woman would ever think twice about giving me the time of day. so i never tried to even talk to girls. and now today it just feels so hard to meet people. i see happy couples everywhere i look and i want to be happy for them but deep inside it burns me because ive never had that experience. im on dating apps but only have had a couple first dates thats it. i just dont have the confidence and social skills to be comfortable in big social settings. maybe one day after ive been working on myself and leveling up my career someone will just appear in my life but who knows at this point.

[@MrRocksW]

You think 23 is a late bloomer? Lol

[@dalegaliniak607]

So, when I was in my early 20s, it was during the height of the whole The Game book and I was going through a tough patch after breaking up with a long term girlfriend, after not really dating in high school, so I joined a group of pickup artists. I'm not discounting all the bad experiences other people had, but this group must have been organized by a psychologist because they seemed aimed at people like me and did EVERYTHING you talked about. They split everything into two parts, what they called inner game, what related to self confidence, self worth and so on, and outer game, which was mostly getting out there and practice talking to people. They also vetted people, to prevent creeps from getting in and were very open about the fact that most people would find a relationship and kinda float away. In retrospect, it was therapy aimed at men maskarading as "pickup artistry" and I'm kinda glad I got the experience. It definitely leveled up my social skills.

[@prisonmike1139]

I don’t know if everyone is ever gonna see this, but I’m gonna say it. As a first time Dr K listener, I actually burst into tears when he started talking about rejection. I have never heard anyone describe it so perfectly vivid what actually goes through my mind. It’s like I didn’t even realise what my subconscious felt until he voiced it out and suddenly all those words became way more than words on the screen and I visualised it all. My heart strings audibly tried to tear themselves apart at that moment. Writing it all out makes me temporarily feel better. Thank you so much Dr K

[@Jediahgames]

It's such a weird cultural phenomena that being a virgin is an insult Where I'm from it's not a big deal at all

[@genericcommentor1111]

Where are you from then?

[@cooper22887]

​@i will fight god Yeah, as I'm living in Asian, people don't talk about or care about virginity that much, at least we don't need validation from having a experience. The look down on virginity is always a wild and stupid idea/culture for me.

[@Vortex_ICEcold]

Because western men make it a big deal. And western women enable and reinforce that behavior in men. Women are going through this as well. It’s just not talked about because men are just seen as horny

[@sirsurnamethefirstofhisnam7986]

@@cooper22887 maybe to a later age but I’m sure in your country as well there’s a certain by which if someone has never had sex they start getting viewed negatively by others. In the west it just tends to be a younger age

[@tyranttitanium5721]

It's a really gross cultural phenomena that *needs* to die. The world would be better for it

[@angelinacamacho8575]

i remember someone reacting to the movie the 40 yr old virgin and they summed it perfectly. andys virginity wasnt important to him but it was important to his friends. it wasnt about him getting laid or even wanting to do so it was more about how his friends felt about it. in the movie he doesnt feel pressured in to having sex until his friends tell him that there is something wrong with him being an adult virgin.

[@madnessoverload7824]

Being patient with yourself is the most important takeaway from this video. I learned this the hard way after many rejections and a couple of failed dates. I used to come off too strong towards the girls that i liked because i was so desperate for a relationship, and i still cringe at my former self. But since i stopped over-fixating on this aspect of my life and started focusing on other stuff, my virginity doesn't bother me as much. And for the first time in a while i'm starting to feel hopeful again. I've met this girl at a course that i'm taking and i was pleasantly surprised that i managed to maintain some casual, yet meaningful conversations with her. I plan to ask her out next week, and although my fear of rejection is slowly creeping up, i'm gonna be okay no matter the outcome. Some people just aren't gonna be attracted to you, and even when they are, that doesn't automatcally mean you're gonna click with them. Just because you've never had a relationship, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

[@DonRoyalX]

How’d it go?

[@madnessoverload7824]

@@DonRoyalX She said yes. Hope it goes well.

[@sirsurnamethefirstofhisnam7986]

@@madnessoverload7824 how was the date?

[@madnessoverload7824]

@@sirsurnamethefirstofhisnam7986 it went well, but she's not looking for a relationship atm so we're staying friends for now.

[@richardmccabe2392]

@@madnessoverload7824 still a win that you asked her out and said yes so well done! Just gotta look for a bit longer.

[@idontwhy3132]

What's funny is when people who have the privilege of a healthy sexual history tell you that it's not something that matters. Quite convenient to say that it doesn't matter while making sure people know they get laid. I would respect these `peaked-in-college-therefore-listen-to-my-advice` bros more if they just went back to name-calling than going this slimy round-about `I'm here to help you` way of getting gratification.

[@spencerokeefe438]

Like a trust fund baby saying "money doesn't matter"

[@ponternal]

It's like food or money. It's not a big deal when you have it in abundance but when you are deprived of it it will be all you can think about.

[@saturationstation1446]

@@ponternal you wont die without sex... honestly if you think you NEED to participate in it thats a bit of a red flag for most people. you can get all the same brain chemicals from doing it by yourself lol. i think those who say they NEED it are projecting an addiction. but in well off eurocentric culture, entertainment has pretty much been elevated to be a NEED. when you say this stuff to people with real problems, it makes them want to slap some sense into you.

[@ponternal]

​@@saturationstation1446 What are real problems if not being unable to find an intimate partner? It's not about casual sex.

[@biocular]

@@saturationstation1446 and this is how you get seriously hurt by someone in a bad place, by talking out of your ass. watch yourself kiddo

[@davidbigd9047]

I agree. I’m a 31 yr old virgin and, my whole life, I’ve only encountered people who are sympathetic and/or give general life advice, as well as, give tips to meet people to make “casual conversation”. Through this, I’ve noticed they’ve all been successful with relationships and they’re only focused on the hookup culture which has been the “norm” of the last 50 yrs. That said, even though I’m an introvert, I decided to create my own singles group providing a different path for those who are serious about Marriage. Also, for the advice to “go work on yourself”, that’s the only thing you can do once you accept to be alone.

[@murderman8578]

Even you improve yourself Your luck with women can still be pretty Abysmal

[@amaek8062]

I’m a 31 year old sex repulsed asexual and also a virgin. Just the thought of having any sort of sexual contact is, at best, very uncomfortable for me. I don’t tell anyone I’m a virgin except my doctor when it is relevant, and even then their expression of disbelief is almost insulting. One of them asked if i’ve experienced any type of sexual assault (presumably thinking I’ve must have been attacked at some point to be a virgin), while another wanted to check every type of hormone level you can imagine, like because I’m not interested in sex I must have a problem inside my body. I can only imagine how much worse a doctor would react if I told them I was asexual. I’ve actually never told anyone that I’m asexual but I’ve been forced to tell my coworker - who seem to only talk about sex - things like “I’m not into sex ... or ... no, I don’t want to have a relationship...”, just general things like that. Usually they will respond: you just haven’t met the right person, or when you do you will want sex or other things like that. And it’s like ... No... I won’t want sex, even if I am in a relationship, even if i were to get married or something one day, and there isn’t anything wrong with me. stop trying to place your desires and views onto me. I’ve never been interested in sex and I will never be. Doctors and coworkers and everyone just.. stop.

[@Wario1382]

Clown

[@ranusmagnus656]

It is (at least partially) about age. The older you are, the more time you had to miss milestones. Which probably leads to having missed more of them. On the other hand, you had more time to work it out. I am 40. And I (more or less) did exactly what you propose. For about 15 years now. It did help. In some ways. I can enter a stage and speak to a thousand people without preparation, or stand in the middle of a kitchen and laugh with a few party guests. I can even talk to total strangers out on the street and still feel good. I don't feel shame. It's not a secret, I can talk freely about my problem and there are quite some people who know about it. But it still hurts. Feeling left out, devalued. No one (that's sadly not an exaggeration) ever treated my as if I was / am desirable (in a sexual or romantic context!). That really hurts. And the longer it hurts, the more it hurts.

[@manosijroy8282]

Do I still have some time at 22 or is it late too? I am a guy who turned 22 just 4 weeks ago and never had a girlfriend before and its kinda bothering me a lot. I use dating apps but rarely get matches by some 18-23 age girls who ends up ghosting or unmatching me for no reason. I do chat with some girls on Instagram whom I knew in high school and they are all 20-22 year olds. I am having a very good chat with a girl who was 2 years my junior in our school days. Now she is 20 and I had the best chat with her for the past 3 days compared to any other girl who lives in my city. But I also like another girl who was my childhood friend when we were in elementary school in 2008-2011. Now she is 21 and only 5-6 months younger than me but we hardly chat much on IG as she doesn't reply to my last message for a week or 2.

[@scythermantis]

@@manosijroy8282 Stay off of dating apps. They are terrible. Instead try to find some sort of interest group; whether it's bouldering/rock climbing, jogging, co-ed volleyball or soccer or tennis, maybe basketball, etc. ... even if it is just dudes, make friends, some of them will have sisters or female friends etc. build authentic relationships in the real world bound by some sort of common activity. If you aren't into sports, look for shops where they play board games or TCG's etc., or maybe look into conventions, cosplay, etc. You'll thank me later. ALSO ALWAYS get girls to introduce you to THEIR FEMALE FRIENDS as much as is possible.

[@WeebsArePathetic]

​@@manosijroy8282I wouldn't be surprised if you're not already in a relationship rn. So long as you're talking to girls and not just trying to use them for sex, it'll prob work out. At 22 tho, that's pretty normal. Like it feels like you're super late to the game but you're not. Especially for your generation.

[@Daniel-nl3ug]

It's really sad to hear that you're experiencing that pain. I think your sentence that "No one ever treated me as if I was desirable" is a bit dangerous because of what Dr. K says at 12:43 and what he said a lot about how having a negative self image can carry over into a vicious cycle (not trying to say that this is simple to fix). I imagine that it is likely that there have been people who found you desirable and either felt too nervous / insecure to do display it in any way, or displayed it in a way that you didn't notice / forgot about - or maybe your brain tricked you into believing an alternative explanation for their actions. But I know that that doesn't stop you from feeling pain which was the main part of your message. You didn't mention it in your message so I thought it was worth mentioning that it's probably worth considering paying for some professional help with processing what exactly causes the pain (it sounds like you're quite aware but maybe a professional might find help you realise something more subtle / surprising) and maybe finding out what could be done about it. Anyway I hope you have a happy and fulfilling life and I hope you are able to resolve this pain eventually.

[@Daniel-nl3ug]

@@scythermantis that sounds like good advice but I'm not sure whether you need to be so against dating apps. At least I know that for my sister (and her boyfriend), they used some dating app to meet and managed to get a nice relationship out of it. I think they started off spending time together through a shared interest in video games and now they spend lots of time doing gardening stuff together (in a house they bought together).

[@MuffyMuffins]

Dr. K is absolutely right about virginity not really being the issue. For me, becoming sexually active doesn't necessarily mean that I got rid of my tendency to feel insecure. If you tend to be highly emotionally affected by insecure thoughts and you lose your virginity, you will continue to have insecure thoughts (in other areas) and you will CONTINUE to take emotional DOT. The solution is to change how you think + change your evaluation of your response to things that scare you (i.e. rejection, emotions, etc.)

[@bomblast2000]

It definitely feels like things compounded as I got older. The older you get, the more experience you're expected to have. A friend was always making me play the "hot seat" game despite my always refusing to. It led to me feeling humiliated when asked if I was a virgin. A medical doctor actually accused me of lying when I said that I was. I eventually lost my virginity, so I at least don't have to worry about saying yes or no to that question. However, I'm still inexperienced and that messes with my head. Now that I'm a full grown adult with a career, it feels like I don't get as many chances to date. In this day and age, it's harder to approach girls for fear of getting accused of something or getting embarrassed in front of a bunch of people.

[@jenfoster128]

I got accused by a doctor of lying to. I was like why would I lie to you, my mom isn't in the room? Now when I got for pap tests I just say I had one partner a long time ago. It's just easier to lie.

[@joejohn2754]

Bro, don't ever feel like you can't go talk to any girl you find attractive. You can, and you should, I never care when a girl turns me down, because I'm happy I had the balls to ask her out.

[@rsonic510]

​@jenfoster128 uh, why would you lie like that? Being a virgin means the exam is much harder to do, and mostly unnecessary. And the doc will find out, anyways.

[@jenfoster128]

@@rsonic510 I had children on my own through IVF. Even though I told the fertility clinic I was a virgin they insisted on my having a current pap to proceed with treatment. So while it may have been obvious in the beginning going through the IVF procedures has stretched the hyman so it is no longer as obvious. Even with telling that lie I get strange looks from the doctor as if someone couldn't go 12 years without sex? But it also isn't always obvious to them when you have the first pap. The doctor that did my first one didn't ask about my sexual history and just said she was having a really hard time finding my cervix. All women are different. Some are born without hymans or they tear on their own without having had intercourse. Some sexually active women can still have part of them remain intact. But there is a very real attitude on the part of doctors that beyond a certain age there is no way that someone would still be a virgin.

[@Skylander404]

I am a male virin at 25 (almost 26) and its not necessarily by choice. I didn't date anyone until I was out of college due to severe anxiety and self esteem issues from pretty much the day I was born. I should mention that I was a three season athlete and people consistently complimented my physique in high school, further proving that self esteem issues are not necessarily based on the reality of your actual appearance. At the time, mental health wasn't as prevalent of a science in the average person's mindset, so I had no idea how to explain why I just couldn't do certain things. Fast forward to present day and I did have a long distance girlfriend who visited once, after which I broke up with her. I am still a virgin. This is how I have learned to be okay with this fact. The big thing is your focus. Society builds up a sexual encounter like its either something that is required in order to be human, or something that is expected of you. It's not. Accepting this is the first step. Next, you need to find a true goal or purpose in your life. If that goal or purpose is to start a family and live the stereotypical lifestyle, then by all means dedicate your focus to this. For me, it was the focus on my craft. Writing and going on adventures gives me something that no fleeting sexual encounter ever will. It is for that reason that I pursue those things in life. Sexual encounters with people you do not have a connection to is akin to masturbation. Its just a soulless experience that brings you nothing that some choice videos and a bottle of lotion wont. With this in mind, I move to my next piece of advice. Developing connections with people cannot be forced. For many adult virgins, its the lack of self value or lack of connection with another person that is truly the worst part of the experience. You need to understand that the world is full of all types of relationships. An amazing friendship can be just as fulfilling as a romantic one if its with the right person. You also don't want to try and force yourself into a romantic relationship if you and the other person are not ready. Your future partner will come into your life, but you need to put yourself both in the physical and mental landscape to maximize those opportunities. Join a club or an activity that makes you see the same people on a regular basis. Say yes to going out to bars or places that would make you feel uncomfortable if/ when you are invited. If you hear people that you have been spending time with talking about going out somewhere, ask if you can tag along. Do not get discouraged by rejection or failure. Rejection and failure are ALWAYS better than regret. It is so much better to go to bed knowing you failed versus knowing you never even tried. You are a person, just as valuable as anyone else. Most of all, you are not alone in this. I hope this helped a little bit, and good luck on your journeys.

[@joress]

Thank you I really liked your comment!!!

[@haw-chaw-chawcalypse]

38, male virgin. It honestly feels like internal rot. Past the early twenties it feels as if the proverbial “cherry” begins to corrupt every channel in the body, rendering it leprous once you’ve arrived at thirty. I’m fit, possess a graduate degree, working a stable smart-guy job in education, but it all feels like a system of diminishing returns. I could’ve given it up for women to whom I was not attracted or didn’t feel a connection, but what would that do for either of us? At this point, i’m convinced that it might never happen. And while I have sunk so much into therapy, self-improvement, and independence, the window emits much less light than it once did.

[@musicplug1730]

why dont you go see an escort? Once you realized sex isnt as important as you think it will be better

[@RafaelMunizYT]

the issue is not being a virgin, is seeing happy couples and realizing idk what it feels like and probably never will

[@wafers35]

"we start life and we have a path" [line goes down]. I felt that

[@RTHbeto27]

I can confirm that getting laid and having people crushing on you fixes nothing if you dont do the internal work, there is no other way of getting rid of shame but with that internal work

[@P_nk_]

"People like me, why don't I like me?" was a really hard question to answer for me for a long time, its so cliché but "Loving yourself" is the ultimate goal. (not in response, but as a continuation of your comment!)

[@u.s.citizen9933]

@@P_nk_ I would add loving others and God to that ultimate goal, in addition to loving yourself. It's also the key to heaven.

[@P_nk_]

@@u.s.citizen9933 That seems good for you! I’m glad your religion serves you well, but escaping religion is what helped me to love myself and others so i’m not sure how universal that is. lmao

[@u.s.citizen9933]

@@P_nk_ I think big part of it depends on how the religious folk treated us. I'm catholic, maybe you were too, but I've been greeted by mostly kind people and good priests with good advice and positive role models. More importantly, I keep in mind that everyone is flawed so I shouldn't base my opinion on them, but rather on if the teachings are correct. I've tried to disprove Catholicism and I haven't seen a good enough argument to disprove them, but found more evidence to support it. May I ask what religion you were apart of, and would I be correct in assuming the people pushed you away? Or perhaps you are lgbtq. I have friends of that group, some of which have left Catholicism due to its teachings that acting upon it is sin, and I know others who came to terms with that belief and live a chaste life.

[@P_nk_]

@@u.s.citizen9933 I'm just a straight (mostly ;p) white guy, born again agnostic lol. I politely decline disclosing my ex-faith with you, It's a sore topic, but I wish you well! Although I personally wouldn't go around saying that faith is the ultimate goal. Especially under a video on a topic I'm sure is VERY sensitive for a lot of people. Being supportive is all well and good, but when you lead so heavily with faith it tends to put many people off; as your initial comment did to me. It read to me as a little gross and, well, preachy; and I don't say that to be mean. But I'm happy to have had this wonderful discussion with you. If it is your personal ultimate goal that's great! Perhaps I'm being somewhat over-reactive. Loving others is Important, I could never disagree with that, but even that is difficult to do if you don't understand and accept who you are and what that means to you. Throw faith in there and I'm sure that's just going to muddy the waters even more for people who are confused and struggling with anxiety's and insecurities about their virginity or what ever else they're struggling with. I guess my point being maybe let these people figure their heads out first, and then they can give faith a try lol. If you struggle forming relations ships with people, I doubt forming one with ANY God is going to be any easier.

[@mannamoth918]

Me : damn I'm an adult virgin, I wonder why Also me : never goes anywhere I don't absolutely have to / actively avoids any unesassary human contact / actively pushes away anyone who may be a future friend or SO

[@MrSoy_]

If a man is 5 ft 4 or whatever it doesn't matter what he does. He is out of the gene pool.

[@RitualBlood]

@@MrSoy_ Unless you're gay.

[@monwe8050]

ur a female its literally a choice for you 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@metsasuomalainen3691]

@@MrSoy_ Go to Japan, Korea or Africa then.

[@someone-ji2zb]

Yea, that is a lot of men now days. Powerful entertainment in the form of video games (most popular and highest earning entertainment industry now) that has people staying home; on top of that, porn which can allow you to turn off your natural urges for a time, and with absolute ease and for free. Pretty sure society is screwed at this point lol

[@AStixMatism]

I'm asexual and aromantic and i do suffer in this case. I'm not as hurt about not being in a relationship as I am about people outwardly showing disgust at even the idea of having a relationship with me. Like "Damn I wasn't looking for a relationship here, but you were really THAT appalled at the idea of being in one with me that you would literally look like you're about to throw up?"

[@MysticRL]

I'm virgin at 25 and never cared about getting laid. I just want someone who cares about me and who I can care about.

[@kitcat2449]

^ Niko might be right. Or maybe you just think the emotional bond is more important, which I think is great. Sex could be a nice extra but not a necessity for the relationship for you.

[@donglegs]

@@Dimitris_Half I mean you can like the idea of it but not be too bothered by the fact you're not doing it

[@donglegs]

@@Dimitris_Half What? This could apply to anything in life that’s nice to have but not a necessity. So you think no one who genuinely who likes sex can be fine with a period of abstinence? And no one is completely fine with waiting however long it takes to find someone they have a genuine connection with? Not everybody thinks the same way.

[@donglegs]

@@Dimitris_Half People for which it’s not a nagging priority wouldn’t need to find excuses. Something has to bother you to begin with in order to start “coping”. God I hate that inc*l word. Wanting to find someone you have the right connection to isn’t an excuse anyway.

[@donglegs]

@@Dimitris_Half Doesn’t. On some channels it won’t make it through the filter. I just think it’s weird to assume someone either is asexual or in denial because sex isn’t on their immediate radar. Just masturbate.

[@kinnoyu8448]

I so desperately want our society to move away from their insanely sex-focused mindset. This is literally what creates incels. Because sex is SOOOO important, this is what leads to so much anger and hatred of women. Because sex is seen as such an important part of identity. *we need to fucking stop already* My first sexual experience was fucking HORRIBLE and it has heavily affected me and skewed my perception of sex and my sexuality. Now that I'm ready and with someone who I ACTUALLY want to be intimate with, I have such difficulty approaching it healthily. It has ruined a portion of my life and is something I still hate that happened and would take back in a second. Virgin isn't a fucking insult. Sex isn't something you need to strive for to feel as if you have some sort of social badge. We've moved beyond sex being our purpose of life. We need to be better than that. Virginity should NEVER be shamed. That's how you create incels and fester deep hatred of women. Any woman who uses virgin as an insult contributes to the problem, whether they realize that or not.

[@kitcat2449]

Yesss

[@kitcat2449]

I especially feel your frustration as someone who is not really interested in sex, aka if I had to give myself a label, asexual. Everything revolves so much around sex it's insane.

[@kinnoyu8448]

@@kitcat2449 funnily enough I'm also ace lol. I would consider myself sex-neutral, happy having it but fine without. However, my partner has a really high sex drive. It's a way of connecting with someone on a really personal level and I get so much more emotional pleasure from it than anything sexual. We went from never talking about sex, to always talking about sex. Hopefully we can come back to the center and just see it neutrally. It's a thing people should do together in a physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy way, and that's what it is. It's not good or bad if you've ever had it. You're not more of a person or less of a person for never having it, having it once, or having it hundreds of times. It's just _a thing_

[@kitcat2449]

@@kinnoyu8448 Super well said! Even I can understand how sex can be a great, beautiful thing for some, but it's sad that there is an outside pressure to have it and people who are still virgins are deemed less than those who aren't. Or those who are on the Ace spectrum are seen as sick or even as liars. I 100% agree what you said at the end. I hope you and your partner find a middle ground soon and that you get peace with what happened on your first time.

[@chilanya]

When i was in my 20ties, in the student scene both men and women were expected to be as promiscuous as possible. The more and the weirder the sex, the better your reputation for being cool. Jokingly you had "panda points" for each day you didn't get laid. The more panda points, the more people mocked you. Very toxic environment for me who was shy, late in development, and has low sex drive. I wasn't a virgin but it was just a very hostile environment to find love or even friends. Also... similar situation about alcohol and drug use... the more, the better. Hospitalizations were a cool story to tell. Yeah, not my thing.

[@Chris-gy9qc]

"People have always hated virgins, they used to sacrifice them to the gods" I laughed soooo hard to this, love how he understands so well and we get to see a tiny glimpse of humor sometimes

[@23Kristoffer86]

They just wanted fresh food🙂

[@ZelenoJabko]

He understands nothing. You sacrifice the most valuable possessions to god, because only the best is good for the god. For example, sacrificing your new born son who means to you more than anything in life

[@indiomoustafa2047]

"Nobody owes you for being a nice guy" But apparently everybody owes you anything you want for being a hot guy.

[@waddledottz]

NOBODY OWES YOU FOR BEING A "NICE GUY"!! (Most guys that call themselves "nice guys" are not actually nice, they just think they are but are actually just dumb or socially unaware that they are doing something wrong

[@deadriver]

@@waddledottz telling that to genuinely kind people is not helping. There is reason why we said the goods die young.

[@cloud09gaming]

Yeah, I'm 36, still one myself. To scared at this point really to even try a relationship. Still hope to brave myself one day. I'm honestly worried about how it will effect how someone will think of me though and the shutdown just goes in a loop. It sucks.

[@MarcoAshford]

I'm 2 years behind you, V card still in my pants. I completely stopped going out with people, every time I'm afraid to form any kind of close friendship, I don't want people to see the real ugly me inside. So every hangout or date just end up with a waste of money. Gaming, listening to podcast, watching syfy, workout calm me down. Dating, marriage, kids, conflicts upset me.

[@Pllayer064]

Pls no school shooting

[@blarghinatelazer9394]

@@Pllayer064 Bruh

[@jw5931]

Yeah if I'm in that situation in 11 years it's curtains for me, Jesus Christ

[@torchlight1785]

@@jw5931 Don’t dwell on “future you” for more then a few seconds. Even if you are 46 or 26 you have to take small steps each day to help yourself grow. Thinking about big changes most of the time just makes you feel hopeless. I’m saying this as a 28 guy in the same position. I’m trying to get better socially since I usually freeze up around people not because I don’t want to talk, but because I am afraid of sharing the things I like out of fear of rejection. Anyways it’s really nice hearing others talk about their situations.

[@0083tuu]

I almost cried in the subway when you read out the post, never have I felt so related. Being a virgin haunted me so much, I tried to make fun of it and live like a normal person, but the insecurities out of it still controlling my though. I can't see people on the street without thinking "they all have a set life, but me", and feel something must be wrong about me. I feel a bit better now knowing I'm not the only one with this problem.

[@debanikgoswami4834]

Join a PUA bootcamp like Todd V .

[@jillvalentinefan77]

@@debanikgoswami4834 That is not a great idea.

[@xXx_Regulus_xXx]

I think the biggest reason virgin is used as an insult is that the ability to relate to a romantic partner is a very important developmental milestone, and someone who can't get along with others well enough to make it happen when we're physically and mentally compelled to can be a red flag in an adult. social norms like waiting until marriage used to give people kind of a grace period so it didn't create as much anxiety, and it also gave people leave to be more picky instead of one's first time being something you just did to get it over with. just some thoughts. Edit: thanks for the quality replies, everyone. I hoped this would spark a little discussion and you didn't let me down

[@YoUtUbEhAnDlEsArEgReAt]

Waiting until marriage is a norm for certain religions. It is only ever a social norm in heavily religious places. Growing up in Australia I have never once heard someone say they want to wait until marriage in person

[@sandianexpress1198]

@@YoUtUbEhAnDlEsArEgReAt To be fair, Australia is largely a secular society so that's probably why you don't hear people saying "I'll wait until I get married". Also not to sound like a snob but waiting untill marriage is pretty much the norm in most religions.

[@YesIHaveManyProblemsThanks]

I think you hit the nail on the head!

[@ada5851]

@@YoUtUbEhAnDlEsArEgReAt Honestly, there are a lot of people who first had sex in their teens who are still hella immature. The fact that someone had sex with however many people actually says nothing about their relational maturity. So show that you have solid friendships and working relationships, show that you are dedicated to a path that is meaningful to you, show that you have self-awareness and are considerate of others. That says so much more about how you may act in *any* relationship.

[@JonathanTash]

Well, the biggest asshole I know (who is also wimpy and antisocial) has a wife and six kids, so "getting along" clearly has nothing to do with it. I'd rather be happy and single, than miserable and with somebody.

[@Brambrew]

So far, everyone I've approached is dating someone else. Many friends I've made have ghosted me. Parties are dangerous and crawling with predators. The dating scene sucks and it's not really anyone's fault. My best advice? Be the kind of decent person you'd want to connect with. Be there for the friends who need you. Don't go to parties alone lest you be percieved as a threat, or worse, end up the victim of SA. And stay off online dating sites; the same people who were superficial and cruel online are relatable and sweet in real life.

[@JesseVenturaHat]

Narcissists are still narcissistic even when they get off social media

[@eun371]

I ended up watching this video after finding it on reddit when reading about the same topic, as a 27 year old virgin woman i would really love to date someone who is a virgin as well because i feel like it is good to start together, explore together. So for me it is shocking that people would look at that as a bad thing

[@aroudingo]

I feel like I should drop my story here. As a gay male, I have always had big insecurities over my general appearance and confidence. When I was 22 I decided I wanted to do something about it and try to get out there and “do the thing” Because yes…from what I have experienced homosexuals are very open and sexual, I did feel a lot of shame, pressure and envy around the topic. About the time I started to try out myself out there (going to clubs, meeting people) I was suddenly diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, an auto immune disorder that really messes up gut and can create big complications for my uhh…my behind. It completely shredded my conficendce and I was dropped down into such a depressive state, only further increasing my self loathing. Hearing all my friends talk about all their sexual encounters and seeing it online all the time it always got to my head, leaving me feeling dehumanised by my illness, and just thinking I’d never be able to fully experience what I wanted. Right now I’m going on 26 years old, still a virgin, but have learnt to love myself and have been recovering well from my illness. It’s a real shame that it’s seen as somewhat socially a bad thing to be a virgin, and it just creates a stupid amount of pressure on people to do something that SHOULD be a special thing, and not rushed. I’m still waiting for the right guy, I have confidence I’ll find someone who will love me for what I am and it will be a special moment getting to share my intimacies with them. Peace everyone! Love yourself and your body!

[@mortonscastle5811]

Hey I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis at 17 which is similar to crohns which also left me insecure and dehumanized. It took a long time but I’m finally getting the confidence back, and I’m glad to hear you’re doing better with your condition and mentality. Good luck

[@theoreticalphysics3644]

Holy crap I'm in _such_ a similar boat, except I don't have chrons but have been dealing with a rare form of nerve trauma for the past year now. I'm a 23-yo guy, starting to seriously question my sexuality and finally starting to consider seriously putting myself out there, and yeah-still virgin. I say similar boat because the nerve damage I have prevents me from feeling almost any pleasure whatsoever down there. Tbh the thought of never being able to ever fully experience sex is extremely dehumanizing and is constantly on my mind... Yet you're sentiment in that it should be special though is absolutely right and I still maintain it myself. Sure, I've lacked confidence all my life and this nerve trauma has been a huge setback for otherwise a lot of progress I've been making. Nevertheless though, it's much less pleasure I seek than wanting to share genuine intimacy with someone. _That's_ what makes the union of two human beings so special. Thanks for posting and having some optimism about your situation. I wish the best for you. Also nice pfp!

[@KlutzyNinjaKitty]

Hey, man. I empathize with you (though in a seemingly non-related way.) I have autism/adhd with a lot of sensory issues, and I’m 88% sure I’m asexual. The idea of engaging in sex with a stranger is revolting and frightening to me. But, the LGBT+ community, especially the young blood, is just so _steeped_ in hookup culture. I feel so out of place when I’m anywhere except ace/demi spaces. Almost like I’m some other species or something. It’s weird. I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed for not engaging with something I clearly dislike. But, it feels almost like I HAVE to engage in it in order to get access to the actual affection that I want (the fluffy romantic things. Cuddles n’ shit.) It’s just really frustrating and demoralizing. On a different note, and forgive me if I’m overstepping, but have you tried looking for someone in similar medical circles? I don’t mean just Crohns, but maybe IBS or other autoimmune conditions. That way you’re both starting out with an understanding/empathy that typical people just don’t have?

[@SirDankington]

@@mortonscastle5811 As a 23 year old in the same boat, i just want to say, glad you're doing better mate. It's not a fun thing to deal with, but hey, it could always be worse.

[@mortonscastle5811]

@@SirDankington indeed. i'm almost 24 now so i've had a few years to get used to it. having good friends/support really helps. i hope you're doing well!

[@jordanscott1241]

Im still pretty young (21) and still a virgin and I used to be very insecure about this. However, I am so concerned with finding a person who I know I will feel comfortable with. I’ve been in sexual situations without going all the way but I’ve always backed off in the end because I know this person in front of me doesn’t really care about me. Then I move on, but also isolate myself which is the worst part. I feel like I’ll never find that connection I’m looking for. If that means holding onto my virginity, then so be it I guess

[@transformersrevenge9]

I'm 26 and a virgin, and it's causing me so much anxiety that I just want to end it all.

[@Skysthelimit85]

Im still a virgin at 38 dude, i can totally relate to what you are going through, ive been brooding and thinking so much about my lack of sex for so long that i cant even think about anything else, im in a mind trap which im responsible of i get that but its gotten to a point where every aspect of my life has been impacted like my sleep, my other activities like my reading, i have stack of books waiting to be read😅. Oh well, i guess we all have an obligation, we owe it to ourselves to make our lives beautiful. Lets be less hard on ourselves too, it wont do us good, im speaking from experience.

[@sofiastar2933]

i'm 21 in 3 days and same here bro.. time is ticking. it really does feel like it will never happen and im scared

[@phantasmo14]

Honestly, this needs to be a whole series. HG subreddit is overflowing with lonely guys battling with redpill thoughts.

[@chai_lattes]

Seriously. I feel for everyone in the comments. We're definitely experiencing a loneliness epidemic, but I feel like because of the way men are socialized, they're screwed even more once they hit adulthood. They have much less personal skills and resources to manage or overcome their loneliness compared to the average woman.

[@dcard228]

KZbin videos can't fix you. It's like putting novacaine on a broken jaw. It seems to me that nobody wants to actually help men, they just want to pacify them so they'll shut up

[@ericscott4225]

I’m a 38yld virgin and you hit the nail right on the head best video I’ve seen on this topic.

[@Wario1382]

Just use an app

[@hada8544]

At 38, I just need to adapt myself to the change of life plan. Some things in my life are never going to happen, and that's how it is. Life would have to change a lot and very quickly, so yeah, might not be impossible, but it's impossible. Take life as it is. Anyway, I've missed enough social and life milestones to just know I wouldn't be good at being a mother. I'll survive without sex and without intimacy and without good mornings, just as I've been doing until now.

[@sieltan5618]

Stay strong!

[@Mr.Goldbar]

I'm exactly one of these people! I'm approaching 21, a guitar player and producer in music college, and am a virgin. I'm also autistic, have general anxiety disorder and one of my anxieties is to end up being a virgin in my mid 20s and older (a part of that might be because I have two uncles who are basically MGTOW). There's one thing that saves me from depression, and that is the music. I've been playing guitar for around 15 years, doing music production for 4 years, I'm generally quite gifted and I'm considered virtuosic by the standards of my college and by those who know me there. I've made a lot of good new friends there including women and I'm generally a very happy person, the virginity is the only thing that actually bothers me. Without my music I would've probably been one of the depressed terminally online incels that are always the example of what I strive to never ever become

[@gamingshowerthoughts9723]

Something that makes me feel all kinds of shame is how my parents act when I talk about a girl or run into a girl I know when I'm with them. One particular incident was when I was at a restaurant with my parents and our waitress was a girl I had known from youth band and was now a regular customer at my work. She said something like "heyyy now it's finally you coming to my work!" and we had a normal friendly interaction while she waited our table. My parents were beaming and wanted to know her name and how I knew her, etc. It's hard to explain because on one hand it's validating to at least have a flirty female acquaintance, but on the other hand it was like being "damned by faint praise" but instead it was "damned by loud excitement". In particular I could sense something from my dad that just made me feel so inadequate. A hint of pride that just puts the dearth of it into razor sharp focus.

[@jodiexalazar2]

I'm so glad youtube and it's content grew to have something like this. Absolutely wonderful

[@ButchersNailsEnjoyer]

This helps a lot because i never dated in high school or college and then at the same time I seriously started lifting weights, all my friends and family near my age started getting married and all i get from them is why am i lifting if i can’t pull any girls and that everyone else my age is getting married why cant you. Doesn’t help either that i came from a more traditional christian family so my parents pretty much assumed every girl i talked to was the devil trying to tempt me especially since my older brother was popular with the girls and brought home a new one every night. On top of that, to them men aren’t supposed to have any emotional problems like depression or insecurity/ body dysmorphia and it’s shamed upon because it’s looked at as a weakness which means you have no one to talk to about this because i was always told to just suck it up, so when they see that im lifting and dieting excessively and not getting any girls, they make fun of the results like “why do you even try” and still think im weak and then the cycle of shame just repeats. A random video that appeared in my recommended helped find a root cause than any of my friends or family could’ve done to help

[@subhumancurrytruecel]

You should seek revenge on them, make them pay

[@no-empathyy-lynn-molment]

damn, what a nice body though! you really worked hard on it.

[@JAM-rp6fi]

I was in an intimate relationship for 3 years during high school, and I still relate to this video a lot. Oftentimes thoughts pop in my head that I just got lucky or that she was my one and only chance of having a happy relationship. I think that it's important to understand that virgins aren't the only ones that feel this way, and losing your virginity doesn't magically give you social skills. I'm still super awkward in social situations, which has been really evident now that I'm starting college. Trying to talk to people, let alone flirting or hooking up with people, is a struggle, but I'm making a conscious effort to "level myself up," so to speak. I joined a community group at my uni for ADHD undergrad students, and I'm hoping it'll help me break out of my shell. Wish me luck. :)

[@JAM-rp6fi]

I wrote this comment before getting to the end of the video. Glad someone else had the same experience I did.

[@mun3698]

You’ve had sex, what the hell are you even on about? 🙄

[@JAM-rp6fi]

@@mun3698 Wdym

[@unkn0wnmortaL]

@@mun3698 bruh you clearly don’t understand then,just because youve been intimate doesnt mean youre social anxieties or flaws dissipate into thin air,they’re still part of your self.

[@unkn0wnmortaL]

@@JAM-rp6fi and much luck bruv

[@Roxiusas]

I feel too ashamed of my shame to want to even get rid of my shame, basically. I don't feel like I've ever done anything to be 'worth it'. So many people don't deserve the relationships they get as it is. I can't offer a girl enough to be worth it for them, and I don't mean like just material offerings or anything. It just wouldn't be right for me to push beyond my limits. I genuinely don't think I deserve it because I've been so lacking in improving myself throughout my life, I'd feel BAD putting a woman through having to date me, but I still feel terrible and pathetic for having ruined my own chances due to fear and lack of any confidence in myself.

[@wisecounsel6135]

It's not about all your 'offer'. It's just that your mindset is twisted. A lady is not a prize, she is also not something to win. You don't have to feel like you are talking to a princess you have to offer something. Remember you give and take in a relationship. I don't mean it in a selfish way, I mean you need to compliment each other. The reason you think they don't deserve comes from a wrong mindaset of what women actually desire. So you are not in the position to judge if they deserve or not deserve. You need the Red pill 💊.

[@leonro]

You don't _need_ to offer anything. You and your partner would only have to enjoy each other, and care for each other. There's not much to it. The girl is in the same boat as you; she doesn't have anything special, and you shouldn't feel like you have to give her anything for her affection. You should be giving what you have (and not what you don't) out of your own affection for her.

[@ponternal]

Yeah most men have no inherent value compared to women you need looks money or status

[@Roxiusas]

@@wisecounsel6135 I'm being a lot more literal than you think; I don't have the time, money, emotional strength or confidence to make myself someone that would feel RIGHT dating a woman and putting her through the effort of being around someone like myself. I'd feel pretty damn bad about it, but I also can't help but keep wallowing in my own self-pity because I fucked up so badly in my life and wasted my previous opportunities to be better because of fear and thinking I don't deserve this kind of thing.

[@Roxiusas]

@@leonro I mean I literally don't think I could be a worthwhile source of support because I lack so much of what a lot of other guys could offer, and I'd feel genuinely bad making someone put up with me, it's my own fault for having fucked up so many opportunities to better myself because of fear or not thinking I deserved it. How come no one believes a person can convince themselves that they don't deserve much of anything?

[@UhKimboze]

Man the comments on this video are spot on too. So many people putting into words things I was never sure how to talk about.

[@TheSwiftFalcon]

People take different paths through life, don't worry if you "fail to meet the milestones" by the time you're told you're supposed to. I was well into adulthood before I had my first relationship, so I know how it can feel. At least for me, there was the occasional sensation of missing out on something important, the fear of ending up lonely, and the insecurity of not being worthy of romantic love. There was also a growing worry that being in a relationship wouldn't fit me...I was so used to being on my own, how would I handle there being another person living in my apartment? For the most part, I managed to push these feelings aside, but not always. I believe the main reason it took so long for me, was that I didn't follow the social norms most people follow. I don't drink, I never enjoyed parties much, and the concept of going out with an objective to get laid never appealed to me. It's not that I am particularly lacking in social skills, I just didn't want to do it. I did want to experience romance, though. Eventually, I reached a point where I decided I needed to leave my comfort zone and take a more active approach. For me that was online dating sites, and while it didn't work in and of itself, it did make me more open and aware of what I wanted, and when a surprising opportunity presented itself, one which would take me far, far out of my comfort zone, I was able to take the leap. I've now been married for over 10 years, and am a father of two. I never thought this is where I would end up, but it did happen. For me it was a matter of meeting the right woman, while being the best, most attractive person I could be. It worked out, and I am very happy with both where I am and how I got here. I find it appalling that many of those who are offering advice online, are basically advocating for manipulation and trickery. Perhaps it could get someone laid if they cast the net wide enough, but I don't know of anyone who has started a successful relationship that way.

[@OoDrDoO]

"I find it appalling that many of those who are offering advice online, are basically advocating for manipulation and trickery." Same, and I also find it appalling that nobody seems to even mention it. It's one of the worst aspects of this whole virginity trap, at least for those who want a genuine connection rather than a one-night stand.

[@bananarae9207]

I'm in the same bracket as you - over 25, and a virgin, but I've also not had a boyfriend before... Never wanted one until I got to about 24. They were all through choice. I'm waiting for a man who wants to be married, not for a fling. But what is also my choice is letting society dictate what I think should be done when. It's society's fault for making everyone think that you have to lose your virginity as a teen. When really they can't handle the emotional baggage that comes with it and then they grow up thinking casual sex is the way forward. As they grow up they realise it's not and have fallen into a trap. Don't get me wrong I'm a virgin for religious reasons but it doesn't negate the fact that I've never been told so many times that people had wished they'd waited to lose their virginity... Yeah I guess it feels good, but does it always feel good after the person left and they're alone again. Don't rush it, wait to find someone you actually like as a whole person not just little bits of them. Well rounded people do still exist. But in the mean time enjoy your hobbies, enjoy being loved and seen and appreciated by your loved ones, find a new crowd, enjoy your 2 good friends and ignore the insecurities seeping out from others that they haven't let you in on yet 💯🙏🏾 All the best.

[@Leonhart_93]

Yep, if you want better results than the average then don't do what they do. And the average is really low these days.

[@ashtoncasedy3237]

Thanks for restoring my faith in women. It's giving me warmth inside my mind knowing people like you still exist.