Hellblade and Living with Psychosis | Sidcourse

[@shammytv]

I know I already talked to you about this video privately, but I've come back and watched this video again since and I wanted to post something here. I know you're already aware that I think this, but you are genuinely one of the strongest and bravest people I've ever met in my entire life. I can't imagine what it was like to make this, especially given the amount of work hours that clearly went into making it *well* in addition to everything else. You're awesome, and by that I mean the actual definition of the word. You inspire me with awe. Love you man.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you man. I really appreciate you being there for me in this very dark moment in my life. You're genuinely one of the greatest people I've spoken to. I wish that I could just turn this off and we could have regular conversations again and I'm thankful for your patience and understanding. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[@Char1881]

Thanks for pointing your views to Sid, this video really it home for me.

[@schregen]

Shammy you're a good guy, shammy

[@AgentM3tallion]

I'm just here because of Shammy, but one video and I'm sold. Subscribed!

[@TheTrueUnikum]

You brought me here. Thanks.

[@MandaloreGaming]

This is a powerful video

[@steadyjumper3547]

MandaloreGaming more than powerful, Life changing.

[@definitelynotcharlie4001]

I do not suffer from any mental illness and this has opened my eyes to such a tortured population that should be given so much more attention I have family with low functioning anxiety and horrible depression but psychosis seems life destroying (not that depression can’t destroy life’s) just using a example of America where a large majority of money is spent on military it can be spent on so much more important things

[@OBBOYS]

Worth every tear.

[@nicholasnajibi3082]

No it isn’t the guys audio is reflecting his parents waking up and beating his ass for playing games too late

[@nicholasnajibi3082]

@@OBBOYS ? Lol we’re all mental and depressed don’t cry about it.

[@Raycevick]

I think this is definitely your best video to date. I always envy the polish of your content, but this honesty and eloquence in your writing is what really made this special. I thought Hellblade's the most important game of last year for potentially inspiring a new wave of middle-market titles, but this really shows how it's just as important in what it does for empathy of mental health issues. Thanks for the shoutout buddy!

[@battlemercy7666]

I am so happy reading this.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you Lucas. I've been struggling a lot in the last few months with this. I've been paralysed by the psychosis and struggling to get by. I'm glad you liked the video, it's been helpful

[@NoopNoop]

Holy shit raycevick ur vids are awesome dude! Keep up the good work!

[@UberKaiserSosse]

wow i was suprised seeing you here

[@gonaye1]

Raycevick thanks you for this. Have you played Celeste?

[@ftuT]

I'm a psychiatrist (and middle-of-the-road gamer) and the impossibility to actually feel and completely understand what people with mental illness experience will always be a barrier, but sincere expressions of this experience like yours is more than enlightening and help so much to make therapists and the rest of society understand more. Thank you.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you so much for your words. I hope this helps with understanding this a bit more

[@iraniansuperhacker4382]

Im sorta in the recovery phase of dealing with psychosis so I am stable but we dont really know if its a long term stability or not yet but Ive tried to play hellblade a couple of times and every time I do I am overwhelmed and end up crying because of how accurate the game is. I think hellblade transcends being a game and is a tool for people to understand what its like living in that place.

[@nanach6276]

Thats why some people do shrooms and never do it again, like me. I feel like I had this field day and I was so afraid that I would be stuck in that state forever. Worst day of my life. never do shrooms or lsd

[@Indigo_Gaming]

Damn, this is likely the most personal and heartbreaking video essay I've ever watched. You have a real talent on expressing your ideas and perspective of things. Thanks for sharing this, Sid.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you, this was pretty rough to make

[@phelanii4444]

I have started playing this game last night, and it's hard. Not because of the combat, but because of my own anxiety. The camera is slow, and restricted in combat, and when I hear the voices telling me to move, warning me, I'm not sure if I should trust them. I do not have psychosis, but I've had anxiety ever since I can remember. Ever since I was a little girl, there was this voice in me that questioned everything I did. For example, when I was 5 years old, in kindergarten, I took a boys juice box from him, cause I though it was mine and he stole it from me. Turns out, mine was in the pocket of my jacket, outside the room. I have been kicking myself over that for 15 years. It was one of the thoughts that would come to me at night to plague me. I made a kid cry and our hellish teacher yelled at him, all because of my mistake. All the while his name stuck with me. And here, 15 years later, I meet a guy at uni. He hangs out with a friend of a friend, and all of us become good friends. One day while we're all out for coffee, I mention my traumatic kindergarten experiences, and he asks me in which group I was. I say Sunflowers, he says me too. Then I realized. It was him. He was the kid I took the juice box away from. He didn't even remember that incident. I went full on hysteric, explaining what I did and how it haunted me for 15 years. They all laugh, I laugh and later that week I find the exact same Juice and buy him one. This part of me, if I can even call it that, cause most of the time it feels like a parasite, stuck to my brain, draining me of all energy and will, has tortured me for 15 years, and he just forgot. I thought that kid would hate me, loath me for what I did, what did I do, what did I do, what did I do!? But, no. It wasn't like that at all. So I know I shouldn't always trust the voices inside me, and it makes the game harder for me. Stay suspicious, question everyone's motives, always alert, make escape plans, prepare stories and lies and don't forget them. Always leave a door open, a window, keep your hand in a fist, be prepared to run, overthink every step you've ever made. Analyze your own mistakes over and over and over again, etch them into your mind, so you don't repeat them. At the end of each day, question all your decisions, could I have done better? Differently? Not at all? Always in a loop of overthinking and kicking myself. Ever since I could remember myself. Ever since I had a concept for time and space. Hellblade brings out what's happening in me, and it's hard. I want to play it, cause I love Norse mythology, I want to see if the runes she sees are connected to what's going on right now to her. And one day I will finish it. I just gotta take it slow. I hope this made sense. I just let my hands type out the word vomit out of my brain. I'll probably find heaps of mistakes in this later and kick myself over this comment too! Oh, well fuck it, I'm posting this anyways! That's for sharing your experiences Sid!

[@V_y-r_e]

Fantastic response

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you for sharing this with me, I honestly don't know what to say. These mental blocks and breakdowns we have feel like everything is crumbling all the time and I wish I had an answer for it

[@NickHunter]

Holy shit this story is amazing. I hope you're getting through it

[@travishardaway6348]

You should consider making videos or writing. You're very talented in that aspect and I think you have a lot of potential.

[@sunwolf87]

If you see this, thank you for sharing your experiences. I've had many experiences very similar to this, and the stigma other people put on me is always the hardest part. The stigma is what causes what the narrator says in the building about the darkness building on itself; I honestly think the 'darkness' is one part the stigma from other people and one part our broken mind trying to make sense of and cope with it. Idk who told you that being this open about yourself is 'vomit' or whatever they may have told you, but their failure to understand you is not your problem. They just don't know how to shut up and listen. I personally got so much out of reading your story and can relate to it so well, even as a man. You're not alone.

[@HeavyEyed]

This was absolutely eye opening and sobering, thanks for making this and sharing something so personal and vulnerable to you.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you Mitch. I've been having a crisis the last few days in absolute terror as to what the reaction would be. But seeing a positive response has been helpful.

[@pauldavis9217]

Leonardo Da Sidci This is nothing short of beautiful. You've made something great here.

[@Cody6698]

"Everything must line up". This spoke volumes with me. The anxiety from this is horrible. You've truly verbalized what psychosis is. Thank you for the voice.

[@ehmaysi]

I've got so much respect for you Sid, and I don't say that lightly. I've sat here for nearly 20 minutes trying to write out how much I appreciate you making this, but I'm just not very good with words. I love this man, and I love you.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

I love you too man, thank you

[@ulak5150]

This video taught me so much more about Psychosis than any article or textbook ever could. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you, I appreciate that. I hope that more people might be able to understand this better, for completely selfish reasons. I hate that no-one around me understands what any of this is like

[@napkin8920]

Something about this video makes me feel... _safe._ I wasn't expecting this video to resonate with me the way it did. ...Thank you for making this. It's wonderful.

[@steventhawe1598]

Was crying throughout the video

[@DrazGames]

I know you don't know me and have no reason to believe me to be genuine, but I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you have to go through this torment on a daily basis. I regularly deal with depression, but I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to deal with psychosis. My heart goes out to you and all others who have to deal with this.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you

[@indeimaus]

Just found this thanks to Shammy, I feel like I have no words that can properly convey how well done this video is; all I'll say is thank you for the time you put into this and keep it up.

[@SuperCatsgomoo]

Indeimaus thanks indeimaus very cool

[@LimPu]

His voice is one of the easiest to listen to. I am in absolute awe how Sid managed to compose this very thoughful and comprehensive script for the video and also managed to read it in a way you cannot stop listening to it. The easiest 17 minutes spent in...years I guess. Very well done!

[@bikingkrazy8]

Shammy sent me here. A brilliant video to say the least. I am here to stay now.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you, he is a great guy

[@sheepishfive6332]

Admin for Mr wobbs?!

[@SolePorpoise]

I'm astonished. This should be the definitive video on this game. No question.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Oh there are much better videos on this game than mine, but thank you

[@jlouzado]

Found this video because of a +SolePorpoise share on twitter... thanks to him and thanks to you for this video.

[@ujjwalmishra8962]

Absolutely

[@shawnr2747]

@@LeonardoDaSidci That may or may not be true kind sir, but there are so few videos that directly engage with this game's themes as eloquently and as personally as you have done here. You've got lightning in a bottle with this video. I thank you for your video as I have some limited personal experience with this. My late aunt had schizophrenia for much of her life and I've had many friends who've been suicidal. This video was even more enlightening, as I've tried so hard to grasp what my loved ones have had to go through and this helped immensely. Thank you and please do more of the things that help you rest and restore you. Sincerely, a Black gamer on the internet.

[@xXSneakyShadowX]

Kristian sent me this while I was taking the bus back to my campus, and all i can say is i probably look like the biggest moron sitting here staring at my phone with tears in my eyes. I personally am lucky enough to never have experienced psychosis, though I have heard my mother, a psychiatrist, talk about it a lot. This video really opened my eyes on the matter, in the best way possible. Listening to your reflections on this game and how they correlate with your experiences, made me realize how extremely hard it must be to actually recieve help, when the help itself becomes a burden. And although I may be wrong, or you may never truly believe it, I feel like I can understand the struggles you go through. Thank you for making this. Amazing like always.-Peter

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you, this was incredibly difficult to make and I appreciate you taking the time to watch it. I'm glad it helped you understand it more

[@l_gu.8730]

I don't know what to say. This Video was an Eye opener for me. I sat at my desk for like 5 minutes with my mouth open and tried to compensate what I've seen. Ty for the great Video. I wish you the very best.

[@amorphian6094]

I think this is my first comment on KZbin ever. And I certainly know it's coming to the right video, to the right man. Senua's Sacrifice is easily the strongest gaming experience I've ever had. The strongest experience ANY form of story, be it book or movie etc. has ever given me actually. Since I played it through, I've been searching KZbin for more and more understanding to it. Because no game has ever made it so hard for me to keep my tears not flowing around my face. And finally, your video crossed my way. Many videos have given me knowledge about this game and this state of mind, but after this video there's nothing more to gain, I think. Now I understand it, to the point I possibly can. The rest stays secret to me, and as reality to people like you. I admire you. I admire your incredible courage. I wish I could reach my hand to you, all the way here from Finland, and hold yours for a moment. Not to understand, not to say I get you. But to give you my compassion. That's all I can do. I wish this message reaches you and I wish that even for a brief moment you can feel that somewhere far from you, someone is wishing you all the best, praying that life would be even a bit easier for you, giving even tiny moments of peace to your heart. Stay strong mate.

[@DownwardThrust]

Typically, I can't stomach a video over 8 minutes on KZbin... this video was an exception. Absolutely outstanding, deep, and entertaining all-in-one. Ignore what you may otherwise try to make yourself believe... this is a great video.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you, I really appreciate your support

[@Fragenzeichenplatte]

"Typically, I can't stomach a video over 8 minutes on KZbin" That is weird. Do you have ADD?

[@DanKaschel]

@@Fragenzeichenplatte In a discussion about mental health, this comment was remarkably tone deaf.

[@Fragenzeichenplatte]

@@DanKaschel It is tone deaf to talk about mental health when the discussion is about mental health? Do you think I was joking? I was not. If you cannot focus on a video for more than 8 minutes then you may have ADD. It's 8 minutes, not 8 hours.

[@critfive]

From 11:54 to minute to two in when you get personal and talk about your voices, so much have of of what you've said about your voices are thoughts that I of think of with my depression. "The very action of seeking help has now become a new weight added and nothing changes.. The Cycle continues, just this time the people you love think of you as a time bomb". That's 100% something I'm empathetic towards and feel often and even daily. I sometimes feel like the only reason I'm still alive is just through the pure inertia of life or having a schedule, things I have to do to have food to eat, places to live, survival. The pain of it all sometimes seems so unbearable, especially after having periods of feeling okay and even actual good times. But your video helps to make the pain less and thank you for that for putting out it there so concisely, I feel like I've got a tool to help people understand to help drive empathy to at least my feelings thoughts. What you've made here is a beautiful piece of work about others wonderful pieces of work and I hope and I ask you to continue to do what you do it's exceptionally helpful at least to me personally. I'll continue looking through your videos and you have at least one more sub.

[@sirebellum0]

Imagining the fear, anxiety, and mental strain that probably went into the creation of this video, I sincerely want to thank you for creating this. This game, and also your personal analysis, was important for me to breakdown a bit of my own stigma & prejudice with mental illness. I think it's easy for someone far removed from that kind of world to look at people with mental issues and just cast them off with a "oh, they're just crazy". But Hellblade highlighted that a person suffering from such things still has desires, ambition, logic . . . they are the fundamental human we all are; but there is an extra battle they are disadvantaged with having to face that many are privileged to not have to deal with. You, an actual real life human, coloring the impact & depiction of this game is really powerful & moving, and I appreciate whatever struggles you endured to bring it to fruition.

[@JeremyGluckStuff]

You've opened my eyes to the nuance of an issue which is deeply complex with your personal account, thank you very much.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you

[@mincarft1201]

I almost never comment anything. But i mean this in the literl sense that this video was the most important video in my life. It helped me find out that i too suffer from a psychosis. It led to me finding out that that yes i need help. Now i have been diagnosed with paranoid skitzofrenia, which at first made me feel worse as there might be other people with the same problems i have. Now i see it more as a way to bond with people who feel the same as me. While many places around the world aren't as forward in the mental health department. It will most likely alleyways help to find more people like you. Like sid said, find help if you feel you need it. This can be anything from medicin to therapy. Once again thank you sid for everything. I mean this truly that you have saved my life.

[@beatthegreat7020]

I had been considering writing a college essay discussing the mission, development, and execution of Senua's Sacrifice. To this day it remains one of my favorite pieces of media. Even beyond its value as a tool for educating people on mental health, it's the only game I think I have ever called 'art,' and I wanted to write about how much it means to me. This video convinced me to find another topic. Everything I could've written was addressed in terms far surpassing my own abilities. As I do not suffer from psychosis, I would have never been able to equal- much less surpass- the personal connection, understanding, and emotional honesty on display in this video. I was never a subscriber of yours so I don't know if there's a reason nothing seems to have come out in the last two years, but if you're still out there Sid, please keep going. What you've made here is incredible.

[@tenji240]

Found you on Twitter from Core Ideas and Raycevick. This was glorious. I'm actually happy that you also highlighted the combat. How most reviewers criticized it for being lackluster, it took some reflection and time, as well as few online discussions, to realize that was the intent. And I'm glad to hear I wasn't the only one who fought through the final battle for a solid 30 minutes before physically giving up, only to realize that was the only option I had left. Got a new sub here, I'll be sure to binge the rest of your content!

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you, those two are great content creators. The combat is meant to be tedious, it represents the dullness of daily life that you have no choice but to get through and I think that's important as part of the games expression of this disorder

[@Hean]

I feel mostly speechless in all honesty. Goosebumps at multiple points due to how close and personal this one got. I'm not gonna sit here and say that I even have a tenth of an idea of how painful it must be, I have a hard time even imagining it. I hope that this video will help spark up more debate and interest in helping when it comes to people suffering from psychosis, because rarely have I heard it mentioned aside from some kind of villainous aspect in any kind of media. Sadly I haven't played the game yet, so can't comment on it yet. I do have a question and it may be too inappropriate or too personal so of course, feel free to ignore it. Regarding the voices, do they sound like your own voice, variations of your own voice, are they strangers voices or voices of family, friends and acquaintances? Also, much love Sid. I appreciate you, even if I'm lacking in the whole...being active, thing

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you. The voices are a mix of everything. Parents, siblings, extended family, friends (current and past), work colleagues, abusers, people I've met once or twice, people I've never met. They're in languages I speak and languages I don't. Some are those of the dead. The only voice I can genuinely trust in my own head is mine and hers. However, at the worst of times, sometimes I hear two conflicting versions of my own voice and that's where a lot of turmoil comes in.

[@vicklemedia5874]

Thank you for this video. I am fortunate enough to be mentally healthy and stable, so I don’t think I ever would’ve come close to understanding something like psychosis had I not come across this - still, without the experience, I may not ever fully grasp it, but now I can make it a goal to understand and be there for people who do suffer from it. And I think using video games is a great way to illustrate these ideas. You’re doing really important work here. Thank you.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you

[@angusrhoton7114]

I think anyone can go through psychosis. It just depends on their lifestyle, stress, sleep, medications, whether or not they take drugs, other diagnoses/poor mental health, etc. I’m sure even the most sane person with enough stress, poor sleep, and possibly drugs could go through psychosis. I’ve never gone through psychosis thankfully so I don’t know though.

[@MangaMarjan]

Hellblade really opened my eyes. This video did too, but it also opened my heart. "It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it"

[@idlehour]

I have had periods of psychosis. Mostly from stress. I told nobody. Thank you for this

[@afapwocky]

Those 2 last words cracked me up after such a serious video :)

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Haha thanks

[@OwnYourBaldSpot]

For 11 years I’ve also lived with psychosis. Thanks for making this video. I was getting tired of finding videos with people who’ve never lived with it and who barely researched it explaining my own illness to me! Great game. You can tell they listened to people who live with it.

[@Rampage-94]

I’ve played Hellblade and I finished it but I couldn’t play it with headsets especially with the visual effects. I don’t suffer from any mental health disorders but The voices are really scary and their whispers drive me crazy when I listen to it. I couldn’t handle it. I really can’t imagine what you are experiencing right now. I hope that you stick to your friend who helps you with your depression and everything in your life. Hope you get better. Btw I really love your channel. It is one of the best KZbin channels I have ever seen.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

I struggled a lot playing through this game. I replied to another comment in regards to my friend, but I'll paste it here for you: When we first met, the voices would stop. They'd calm down and they wouldn't fight what she spoke. It was the first time I felt at peace in years. Currently we're separated, she has a lot of issues including her mum recently being diagnosed with cancer and she needs time and space to take care of her own mental health, her mum and her family. Also, being long distance isn't helpful for her either. I couldn't tell her when we first met because I didn't want to think of me as a freak or take pity on me. I couldn't tell her when we were together because I didn't want her to feel guilty or obliged to be with me. I can't tell her now because we're separated and I don't want her to feel guilty or manipulated. But now I'm dealing with the psychosis alone and I don't want to burden her. She has so much to deal with and I can't bring myself to tell her that I'm being tortured by own mind and that every hour I think about killing myself. She doesn't need that right now.

[@Rampage-94]

Leonardo Da Sidci I am speechless. I feel like I am incapable of helping you but I am really happy to hear that you are dealing with the psychosis. Stay strong.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Gonna be honest with you, I really am not dealing with this well at all. I've been trying to kill myself everyday for months now and every day is getting worse.

[@Rampage-94]

Leonardo Da Sidci oh man come on stop it. You broke my heart. I have been thinking about you all day and now you replied to me with this comment. You are literally killing me. You may not believe me and I don’t blame you but I am thinking about you. Whenever you have a free time read about Islam PLEASE. My heart goes with you. Forgive me I am bad in writing.

[@Rampage-94]

it’s kind of weird to tell you about that but just read just try it might help you. I don’t what to say.

[@nathanbarber8638]

Your bit about not really having a drive and something traumatic changes that speaks to me. 2 years ago I was with the girl I thought I was going to marry. Was making plans to propose. My only purpose was to graduate college and get a good paying job to give her a good life. Then on Christmas Eve I find she was cheating on me and I’ve been searching for a purpose ever since. It completely turned my world upside down. I hate my degree but I’m too much money and time in to change it and every purpose I find I get obsessed with it and overwork myself in it to where I can’t stand to do it anymore. It’s funny how quickly things can change

[@jeremynorman1547]

This is one of the best videos I've seen on KZbin, and I've been an avid user since the platform began. Please keep making these amazing videos, your channel is a hidden gem.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you, I will try for as long as I can

[@HasturMora]

i found this game very interesting and wanted to hear some perspectives on it but i wasn't ready for this video haha. i deal with major depressive disorder and can relate to feeling trapped and isolated but hearing what you go through every day brought tears to my eyes.

[@Saltine3022]

I have very severe paranoid anxiety which often manifests as psychosis (though more often than not delusion rather than outright hallucination), and I empathized a ton with this video and with the game. It's nice to see somebody else had the same deep emotional resonance with it, and I'm going to share it around. I've encouraged my friends to play it, including the few who know how deep my mental issues run, and they all seem to have garnered a deeper understanding of how my thought process works from it and from me talking with them about it. Although one small criticism, I actually really did like the combat, particularly those first few boss fights were absolutely stellar, enough that I went back and restarted the game to play them again recently, and while I agree the ending combat sequence was definitely representative of struggling against your own delusions, I don't think the combat as a whole necessarily was, because I've spoken to a lot of people who liked it, it seems to just be more subjective than anything, and imo it's impossible to truly make a definitive statement on the team's intent with combat design.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

I'm glad that you enjoyed the combat in the game. I personally found it a little too much of the same repeated over and over, however from an artistic perspective, this was important to express how dealing with these issues feels

[@NerdWytch]

Thank you so much for this video, for your honesty, for putting words to all the reasons I love this game so much. You said it all so well. Thank you.

[@ttaaddoo111]

Wow. Not only did you share something incredibly personal of your being only few people know of at all, nor “just” use this particular disposition to deliver an analysis and interpretation of the game, which wouldn’t be possible without you having lived through your struggles up to this point, but you also reached out to others who might be experiencing some of the same or other mental struggles. Bravo. This is just the first video of yours, which I have seen, because it was recommended by Mark Brown, but I will be sure to watch your other videos, as you really seem like a lighthouse of humanity - not in some excessively grandiose way, but because you seem have managed this struggle of your life, of which I could never truly understand the severity, and still you find it in yourself to be there for others. Bravo :)

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you. To be honest, I'm barely making it through

[@ttaaddoo111]

I'm sorry to hear. I guess the only sort of consolation I can try to offer is that you can bring people some interesting, enlightening and worthwhile perspectives on gaming. Best of luck and all strength to you.

[@Thesimsim95]

This video has made me appreciate this game even more in hindsight. Hearing just how accurately this represents the struggle of living with a mental health issue from somebody dealing with that every day of their life gives a lot of food for thought about the nature of reality and how human beings perceive it. Thank you for being brave enough to make this.

[@seir323]

This game meant so much to me, and has helped me heal, and you have explained so many of the reasons why this kind of story is important far better than I could. I don't experience voices, but with depression and anxiety, I have a chorus of negative self-talk. and the part where you mentioned outside comments joining that chorus was so incredibly spot on. When others confirm the worst thoughts you have, or when your brain twists any comment into a negative one, it just makes you feel like your own self-talk is right. Being able to use the construct of a game to get out of my own head, and observe Senua's, I realized how mean some of the voices were to her, and the way others helped. It helped me try to be kinder to myself. But also, this game just shook me more than any piece of media has in a long time. The way it makes the player feel as tired, or paranoid, or frustrated as Senua is genius, and also made me have to take significant breaks when things got too intense. Because so much hit close to home. Thank you so much for making this video, because it helps me understand what they did in this story that resonates with people who have psychosis, and different symptoms than me - this helps me better understand friends and family who live with voices or hallucinations. The pattern seeking portion was something I hadn't understood from the angles you shared - making sense of how social situations line up, or rituals that must be done, needing to find order before moving on. I understood the puzzles from a visual standpoint - paredoilia? - and her belief in the magic runes in this strange land, but I didn't connect it to the wider scope of how other people need to find patterns in different ways, and why we need them. I know this is a whole year and a half later I'm responding, but I just wanted you to know that this was informative, and I'm so grateful you were willing to share such personal feelings to help others. Thank you.

[@rasheeddaley6773]

Truly underrated comment

[@floatingrabbit3556]

As someone who suffers from PTSD and anxiety, things I never even believed to be possible with me my entire life for the past 2 years or so I agree with you in every word. Sometimes I feel as if I'm slipping into psychosis but I'm truly at the very edge of my mind sometimes. Mental Illness can be a very lonesome experience, something the game Senua really shows you as you play along and no matter how good one English or definitions are, I have discovered that there's simply no ways to explain these feeling or experience to anyone who simply hasn't gone through them. You will always be alone in it all some how. But knowing that so many people suffer from Mental illness issues also gives me comfort because it is another way to tell myself... "I'm not alone". Thanks for this. We might never meet but through the interwebs, I feel we have.

[@jindrichkrejza6380]

This game is one of the best I've ever played. it made my feel, cry, think... I could never imagine or understand how it is to live with psychosis. And I still can't, but this game brought me closer to the point. I wish to all of you who suffer with psychosis all the best an luck to fight this disorder! lots of love!

[@gunstorm05]

Wow. This video felt like hearing someone open their soul, in a way that was incredibly intimate and soul-crushingly vulnerable. I've never experienced psychosis, and to hear it described with such clarity and detail... It's heart-wrenching to imagine being a prisoner in the noise of your own mind like that. Thank you for sharing your experience.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you for watching and understanding

[@hellsin]

thank you for opening up. thank you for letting your viewers know. i don't know what it will do to help or if it does as you said. but it is still a powerful move. i am constantly excited to see your videos come out and they all make me stop to think but more importantly, it will also make me stop and feel. Thank you for making these videos and for recommending more creators in a previous video.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

These other creators are so incredible and make much more content than I do. They deserve all the support we can give them

[@NavnikBHSilver]

I don't know if you'll ever read this but I feel I should not hold back on this one regardless. I myself have never truly had a psychosis, nor have I truly had deep hallucinations to my knowledge, but what I do know is that because of a series of unfortunate events, I came to deal with moments of depersonalization and anxiety. I know hellbade, and hearing about this video I knew I had to give it a watch given the significance of the game and the sincerity of the person (whitelight) who directed me here. The moment the video started and you told the things you did, I immediately recognized and empathized, given how despite the symptoms being different, the core of mental issues and the waves it which it comes and goes... I couldn't help but be a bit unsettled, and still am to a lesser degree. I have largely conquered my anxiety through facing it, but it has scarred me and might forever be a part of me in some way... I do not think this is a bad thing, but it is a burden in some way. I believe that you making this video is a brave and powerful act, that you deserve to know, that regardless of your lot in life, by the merit of this video alone, you've brought some good into this world. Because if nothing else, at least to me, it is a moment of recognition, understanding and... comfort. As the video went on, the initial spike of anxiousness faded, because the more I listened, the more it made me feel like within my own crazy mind, I am not alone. Objectively, this might be false, but ultimately, reality is a fickle thing, regardless of mental issues. In a strange way it is simply comforting to know that someone is going through similar shit you are, to know that person is out there, to hear them speak to you in whatever way... It makes me more determined to keep going and do what I can to make things better, for both myself, and other people like us. So... know that I am glad that you shared this, and that you did an amazing job.

[@cianrowan8169]

I hope you’re ok Sid, we miss you

[@foxy2348]

OMG you're a hero. I don't deal with these problems, but was very touched. And the fact that you offer your time for people who need help?! Honestly it made me cry. You're so nice!

[@TheMisterQuake]

This video is brilliant, this may be the best video I've seen on a game to date. You have earned my sub and like, please make more amazing content like this I am looking forward to it.

[@AB-jn4bi]

Senua's experience was one of the hardest to experience, as someone experiencing psychosis constantly like you. My psychosis has always taken the visual space, rarely the auditory space... But sometimes when I'm falling out the auditory hallucinations get worse, and worse, and worse. The chatter, the knocks at the door, dogs barking, people laughing, noises from the walls. I smell things that no one else does. Smoke, blood, sweetness, cigarettes. The worst thing this game did for me was connect the dots between how my paranoia has always been severe delusions, as a child I remember believing I could tell when it was going to rain, or how the stars spoke to me. None of this was never childhood "imagination", my imagination never existed. As a teenager people watching me from the window, two stories up with no stairwell or balcony, and looking out and seeing them. It was hard and all to real to have that constant battle of the Darkness speaking to me as Senua. It only reminded me of every moment of psychosis and paranoia I've ever experienced and as I type this I see reflections, I see a paper fluttering and I have to take a moment to tell myself that it's real, or to remember that it's real. It's tactile, it has hard edges, but it catches my eye nonetheless and causes anxiety and an overwhelming feeling. I'm 28 and I've had this since I was 6 or 7. This video is incredible. Like you I hope it's eye opening to those around us, those who don't experience psychosis, or those who never will. People who believe you're ill, or dangerous, and worth nothing. I hope it changes their mind, I hope people can get a sense of our lives. Thank you so much Sid, you've done something great for our community. It may be impossible to believe, or to connect that thought with reality or what we perceive reality to be, but this is important and I know it will help.

[@elliotts5574]

It is an understatement to say this video, and this channel, is brilliant.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

I'd consider it an overstatement

[@annakrawczuk5221]

I'd consider it an acurate statement.

[@kamyab4597]

I have just finished my second playthrough of Hellblade a few days ago, and after watching your video tonight, I have to say that I am absolutely blown away. To shed light on such a complex and important issue - an issue witch so many people are suffering from - in such an incredibly personal and honest way, has been truly eye-opening for me. You truly are an incredible person, to being forced to suffer such a fate, yet finding the strength to keep moving is truly inspiring. Though our existence can seem pointless, just remember that this world would be worsened by your loss. Ps. I have watched video-essays for years, yet I have never responded to any of them. So the fact that I am finally responding to one speaks to the quality of your writing.

[@KDemosh]

I've greatly enjoyed my time watching this video! The "Stay sexy" sign off really put the icing on the bitter sweet (my preferred), delicious, cake that was your work!

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you

[@xarriluseth]

I came here on Shammy's recommendation. And by whatever is hiding up there am I glad I came here. This is an incredibly powerful video you've uploaded. Not just the amount of quality, polish or research that clearly went into this. The editing alone deserves some kind of award. I've never seen a god damn youtube gameplay video dig this deep into a specific mental health issue as comprehensively as you did. A close friend of mine pretty much has the same symptoms (not entirely the same but close) as you have. I don't have much of a family left, but he's as close to a brother to me as possible. This video genuinely brought me to tears. For what it's worth, from one stranger on the internet to another, i'd like to thank you for giving me atleast a little understanding of what his world is like. In short, you've got yourself a fan. All of the best

[@gogokiwa]

I want to hear more of your videos man. It has been 7 months. I already binged all your older videos twice. And to be honest. Im concerned about your health now since you have been gone for months now. Just a quick video telling us that you’re ok will do and trust me even if you need a break... even a whole year... I won’t unsubscribe. Your depression and video games video really meant a lot to me and shone a light on my mental health that i have been ignoring and under estimating my whole life. Just because my family didn’t think that mental health is as important as physical health doesn’t mean I should too. To be honest it opened my eyes to many other topics like religion and politics that I also disagreed in with my family. I believe you made a large impact on my life today which also lead me to believe that this video out of all the other topics meant something personal to you and a struggle you had to deal with you whole life. Maybe this video lead to something more personal happening.. maybe your mental condition worsened, or maybe you loved ones saw the video and had an adverse effect than what was to be expected, or -now that I think about it- you might have felt attacked that such a personal video that causes you so much anxiety to share got too much view and now you feel your personal life being invaded.. or i might me be reading to much into your situation and it just could be that you don’t have enough spare time to focus on videos nowadays. All i want to add is that..... you might just consider this as just some letters on a screen but in reality a real person cares about you the same way a real person cared about me and offered to explain to me how i could be suffering from depression and even offered me an offer that I thought was so so kind as to talk it out with them privately on discord or just have some fun playing together... I want to extend that hand to you again as you did for me... are you suffering now? Do you need help? Do you need someone to talk to? Even if the answer is no and Im just reading too much into situations as i usually do.. please respond even privately if you like (over youtube messages... if those are still a thing). I care about a friend that helped me through tough times and want to help if he is in tough times now. Please be in good health physically and stable and happy mentally. -A concerned friend

[@concrete_dog]

Hey man, bit late maybe, but someone in the comments said Sid is still active on Twitter to this day. I read through it a bit and he seems to be doing good, actually!

[@gogokiwa]

@@concrete_dog thank you man, I really appreciate any hint of good news nowadays.

[@doubleshotlarry8855]

This is actually one of the best videos about a game I have ever seen. It is criminal how you don't have more subs.

[@calebstephens601]

Your best video yet! Thank you for sharing something so personal. My mental heath is no where near as bad as yours but this still helped me understand myself better.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

I'm glad that this video helped, thank you

[@strykerGraphics]

I've asked a few times to close fiends and relatives, "How do you know, what you don't know?". I usually get a strange look either of annoyance or worry, sometimes even anger. I assume because they think I'm trying to be clever or suggest something else but it's a question that really haunts me. My situation is not like yours but its not dissimilar either. Thank you for this.

[@HeliumCarbonated]

Hellblade and, more importantly, your insight has given me a new appreciation and perspective into something I am fortunate enough to not truly understand. Thank you for sharing a different side of living as a human.

[@Asgard314]

I hadn't found your channel before now and just happened upon this video in my recommendations. Seeing all of these brilliant Essay channels praising it and offering you support caught my eye, and I can see why they offer it. Thank you for giving us this perspective. It was polished, well conveyed through both writing and visuals, and every part of it hit home. Not only do I love this video, I'm genuinely interested in what you have to say on any number of topics. I can't possibly imagine dealing with psychosis, nor do I hold any delusions of fully understanding it even after playing that game, but I truly hope you can find peace of mind and continued happiness in your life.

[@CloudCuckooCountry]

Excellent video.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you

[@cuppy1199]

Genuinely brought me to tears, i dont have psychosis, but your words are so kind

[@machariamuragori9587]

I hope he's doing great and thriving

[@coloredfoxx]

This got me. I came here from a suggestion of Shammy and didn't really think much besides "dark topics, okay". But what I saw was, different. I said it under shammys video, "personal" was an understatement. The thoughts you led me through while watching this reached me so deeply and I was so confused and shocked and... It got to me. Thank you for this video, thanks for holding on for as long as you did. Even though it might not make sense to say this, and you might never see this, I hope you are in a better place. And you seriously are brave, I believe in you.

[@staunchystal]

I'm surprised and proud that you've made a video on this. I hope it somehow helped you. I hope you enjoyed making this high quality video. Your struggles and burdens must be immeasurable and I am (as well as the rest of the Sidcord) are here should you need to share it.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

I'm not sure if it did help. I feel like everyone's cautiously waiting for some terrible news about me that they won't be surprised about now that they know

[@edenben-hur7191]

Im shook, this is what defines this platform, this is absolutly amazing and i cant belive your bravery, i doubt im ever gonna meet you but i hope i will so i can look you in the eyes and tell you this is truly amazing. Thank you

[@julianorozaa]

Wow. Heartbreaking and beautiful. Thank you.

[@ogjames21]

On the strength of this video alone, I am utterly in your camp. I have a student who struggles with delusional psychosis. She’s brilliant and thoughtful, and I have seen her struggle with four separate breakdowns. I am inspired by her strength, and by yours. Thank you for this a thousand times over.

[@BertoCarvalho]

Thank you for the video, I understand how hard it was for you to open up about this. All the best, stay strong.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

I'm trying

[@littlepumpkin705]

thank you! hellblade did help me understand the condition more. and your video helped me understand that i understood the game. beautiful, both the game, and this video

[@FrenchBoi42]

I don't usually comment, nor leave likes, on videos. But this was in my opinion one of the best video essays I've ever seen.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you, but there are definitely much better essays out there

[@FrenchBoi42]

Leonardo Da Sidci Only the true Messiah denies his own holiness, said that one woman in Monty Python's Life of Brian.

[@druthandcayde]

Nice to know someone else is lost in this big confusing world. Honestly, and I don't know how honest a comment on KZbin can sound but I'll try me best, this is an amazing video. I've learned so much about psychosis and actually wanna play the game just because of this video. It's probably one of the most genuine videos I've seen, regardless of even the content, which is polished as hell, but just seeing that and the level of care put into this video at least made me happy to see

[@Ludocriticism]

This is essential criticism, as those without these experiences cannot know whether the game represents its themes well or not. Thank yous are certainly in order, as it can't have been easy to make this.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you for your time and for watching the video, I really appreciate it

[@GangreneSerenity]

It’s 2020 and I just found this channel. Out of everything I watched this year and probably ever on KZbin, this channel has been the most impactful to me!

[@ToriKo_]

YESYESYESYESYES! I was hoping you would cover this.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you, I was very adamant about playing this in the first place lol

[@ocularorb4021]

I showed this to my Uncle because he loves serious videos and he absolutely loved this video, Very well done Sid

[@ozzy5628]

Please come back

[@Smiljenko]

I just wish I had discovered you much earlier. First of the quality of this video is amazing, the pacing of your sentences and the way you incorporated your personal struggles, knowledge and sincere thoughts with the themes of Hellblade. It is an amazingly great video essay. But what mostly blew me away is how you managed to open up about your problems. As someone who deals with anxiety and depression, it struck a cord in me since I only have to deal with one voice only in my head. That is my own. You sir, are a strong individual, and I can't stress enough how much this video struck me. You have gotten my endless respect, and a very new fan. Thank you for this, thank you so much.

[@salazarmageddon]

Thank you for this video. I wish you the best.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you

[@georgiimineralov8734]

Sidci, I can’t find words, but I feel right now like I was looking for your channel for a really long time. You made my world better. Thank you, thank you for a lot of things. I think this community needs your voice giving subjects you cover and the level of quality of your work.

[@Nikkiflausch]

What a video. Thank you.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you

[@AtlasAZjourney]

I needed you in my life. I needed someone who understood. I may need group therapy, but you helped me so much.

[@benderb.r5041]

Hey buddy, where'd you go?

[@CreationsFlare]

I was, honestly enthralled. It takes a lot of guts to tell experiences about yourself and why it relates, but your gamble created a type of video I don't think I've ever watched on KZbin. It was neither charged by any bias or truly impartial. It was something I feel only you could tell, something genuinely unique of an experience, and I appreciate that.

[@zed1991el]

I'm not even sure I should post this as I'm not sure I can communicate it properly. So ~17 years ago, I was diagnosed with 2 things. The relevant one is generalized anxiety disorder. What startled me about this video is how similar your experience sounded to my own. The main difference being that yours appears in external voices while mine manifest as internal voices. I used to be able certain techniques learned in CBT to dismiss them, but the thoughts get faster as I get older. By the time I dismiss one, another 20 are blasting in my head. I just wish I could stop thinking.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

That happens to me too. It just keeps on coming in waves and waves and sometimes, all I can do is just break down and lost it. Sometimes I'm at work, in front of colleagues and I have to step out to the bathroom and just cry for 20 minutes in silence. I kind of wish I had a soundproof room somewhere where I could just scream it out.

[@tmanmatt213]

Hey man, I’ve struggled with this exact problem. One thing that I’ve learned is that we can stop thinking. Take some time to focus on relieving pressure in your head. I’ve noticed that as these thoughts overwhelm, I feel pressure all throughout my head. I focus on alleviating this pressure, slowly. Like scrubbing them clean or rubbing or massaging that area with my mind until the pressure goes away, then I move to the next area in my head. I let the waves of alleviation wash over my whole head and I do it to my entire head. After I feel no pressure (which feels amazing btw) I just sit there in silence and feel how nice it feels. After 10 mins or so, you’ll realize you weren’t thinking the whole time :) hope this can help anyone

[@devinbelanger357]

I am someone who goes through this, and it's nice to listen to someone I feel like I can relate to.

[@cameronfletcher5835]

This video is excellent but I won't be finishing the last five minutes because you've convinced me I need to play Hellblade before I know any more about it. Even having watched the Dev Diaries for the game, I don't think I really grasped what Psychosis was from a symptomatic point of view. Your description makes me think that I have it. I think I need to find out some more and the game seems like a way of exploring that which would appeal to me.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

As a work of art, this game is highly recommended

[@cameronfletcher5835]

I think I might delete that comment. It was really callous for me to say that. I've been trying to figure out a lot of stuff with my mental health for a couple years now and although I recognised some things in your description, when I learn about a condition I didn't already have an understanding of, my reaction shouldn't be to latch on like that just because I'm searching for answers. What I said was flippant and certainly trivialising of your state of things. I'm sorry that I did that.

[@Zennethe]

Speaking of the final fight... the first time I managed to keep fighting for over an hour. I got lost in the ever-lasting struggle against fate. I was truly immersed in the mentality of Senua. I can't give up. I can't give up my quest, my struggle, I can't give up on Dillion. When I finally fell... I was brought to tears by what came after. The realization that everything was futile hit me like a punch to the gut.

[@scentfedcreatures]

Thank you. Really.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Thank you for watching

[@tomjameson170]

I know that I can never truly understand the things that always run through not just your head, but your body and life all together. But my mother has psychosis, ptsd, schizophrenia and amnesia and she’s the most powerful person I know. I’ve witnessed her go through the most traumatic things and she tells me the things that they say and how horrible it is but yet she’s the most supportive, most kindest and most generous person I know. Sometimes I get frustrated by the voices and why my mum has them but then I forget how she copes and how strong she is. Thank you for being strong and making such great content

[@joes7396]

6 months without posting... are you okay sid?

[@zsolt3871]

Don't worry. He is active on Twitter so he seems to be fine.

[@pauldavis9217]

This is one of the, if not the, most beautiful videos I've ever seen. It's so personal and deep, and it touched me in a way that no other video on this platform has to date.

[@Jklease342]

Hi man, I hope the last four years has been ok for you, I really hope that you’ve been able to tell your partner, the fact that you’ve managed to hide it from her shows your strength but I feel that it shouldn’t be your burden to carry alone. Your partner sounds great and I honestly don’t think they would run away if you told them

[@breakthelegacy]

I just discovered your video. Thank you so much for the honesty and the sheer courage it takes to be vulnerable. I have had major depression on and off and at the very catatonic stages of it, it feels just like this endless pit of darkness and it takes a special form of courage to remember there is light because there was before it and there will be again. Your analysis of the game was so insightful. The part about it's last combat really hits a chord.

[@That_Montage_Nerd]

This is such a beautiful comment section of my favorite game reviewers coming together to support this video and creator. I love that you all have each other's backs and try to build each other up.

[@jeroenwolf9055]

Beautifully spoken. I'm so glad I witnessed this creation. You've done something truly amazing.

[@Fawriel]

After watching this, I had to take a moment to check if you're still alive and well, and I'm glad to see that you are! You're a good egg. A lack of you would decrease the quality of the world.

[@I3lackEye]

This made my cry more than once. Because for the most part it hits the nail on top how I experience everyday of my life. It is immensely difficult to put thoughts like these into words, but you manged to do it perfectly. This video is extremly well made. And thanks for sharing you thoughts an experiences man. Stay strong

[@NickAndWolf]

I don't have psychosis but my look on life is objectively bleak. I believe that there is no higher power or god, that life is meaningless, that the world is bent to come undone with entropy, and nothing we do will ever matter or last. But in that, there is a beauty. It makes our efforts precious and our experiences beautiful. Each one is unique, a personal taste of blood in your mouth no one else will taste, the soft warmth of waiting in the rain trashed on liquor, the infinite distance between two had-been lovers mere inches away in the same bed. In a way I think I love the pain, depression, and sadness. It is predictable, it dominated large parts of my life, it had become comfortable at one point. It shut out all unknowns and let me stay limited in the scope of my life. But the risks that pull out your heart, rip you to the edge of insanity, pushes you into senseless desperation; isn't that our humanity? To sit and accept the end is beautiful but to defy the inevitable is far more beautiful in the end. Like "Do not go gentle into that good night" by Dylan Thomas, human nature is to defy. Defy expectations, defy logic, defy reason, defy the will to live, defy to will to die, defy the bubbling truth almost pouring out of your throat. I apologize for the ramble but I felt your soul in that video. I look forward to more. And if you need a stranger to talk to, something without consequence or attachment, I'm always around somewhere.

[@LeonardoDaSidci]

Don't apologise, thank you so much for your comment. Please do reach out to me on Discord or something

[@Fzzt2]

Truly a beautiful video. My best friend suffers from psychosis, and I have never heard such painful truth from anyone about this condition. Thank you. I can't imagine how hard it was to bear your soul like that. You are a beautiful person. Thank you for your video.