Hello world! My transgender story pt.1: "Why are you trans?"

I am a middle-aged transgender woman who started HRT a few months ago.
After having the 'coming out' conversation with quite a few people, I've realised that after decades of fear and shame I absolutely love sharing my story with others. So I've decided to record them just in case others might find them useful or insightful.
These videos are pretty low-effort, I recognise. I've not edited or done much in the way of research. These are just my words, my voice, and my story.
This videos and the others on my channel are an intention to be my contribution to the world - my scream into the void of the internet. I fully-expect this to be ignored amongst the infinite choice offered. I'm not doing this for fame or for likes, but to be able to say 'I existed; there I was'. But if you found this, watched it and maybe even learned something, I appreciate you spending soe time with me.

[@jimjones7912]

Your story is many of our stories! Thank you for this content! Im 80, just began HRT in April. Im terrified, at times, but the pleasure of the changes keeps me going. I only have a little time left, so, i want to make the most of it. I very much love the company of women, i would so much love to be accepted by them, as a Sister! Ill follow your content!❤

[@Andy_trans_education]

Wow 🤩 that’s so inspiring to hear! I’m very happy to meet you and I hope to see you around. Yes, it can be a bit scary at times, but I try to remember that I’m not doing anything especially new or unusual. I’m just a person trying to live my life as best I can. All the best, Andy ☺️✌️❤️

[@misskaralyne]

Wow! That's so amazing. Good for you hon Wishing you the best of luck with your journey 💜

[@marti7343]

I started transitioning with HRT over eighteen months ago at the age of sixty-eight. I know from the time I was about ten I was fascinated with being a girl. It turned into a desire to be a woman as I went through puberty. I continued to imagine what it would be like to be a woman and wear women's clothes, but was too transphobic to do anything about it. Then when I finished graduate school I started to cross dress. I had held back because I was afraid I would like it too much and not be able to control it. It soon became a regular thing for me. Then, a short time later I started to crave a woman's body and wanted to live what we called "full-time" as a woman. Dressing became less important and simulating. But, after a few years I somehow decided to stop. I had a good job and thought it would be too hard to transition given my body type and cost. Laser hair removal did not exist and by the time I accepted I am trans, it would take enormous effort to transition in my forties. Yes, so little information was available, trans terminology was immature, and you could not quite get around that you are a freak. Then, two years ago the dam broke. I could not hold it back. I had to acknowledge I had a strong identify as a woman. I felt my body was wrong. I had to do something about it. There was not much time left. After starting HRT, doing voice training, getting body and facial hair removed, and scheduling a hair transplant I am feeling so much more like whom I really am. Sure, it is hard and there is dysphoria. Also, it seems like such a slow process with serious steps like legal transition, FFS and GRS. Not to mention coming out and working to form new relationships. But, it is worth it. There is no other way for me. Of course, I would love to enter that magic box and come out the woman I know I am. Sometimes I think about detransition because transitioning is so hard. Sometimes it seems impossible to get where I want to be. But, I cannot make sense out of detransitioning for me. I cannot imagine living like a man the way I used to live. It would be a lie. My best advice for anyone in transition is be patient. Changes occur. Realize your are in a second puberty becoming a woman just like young girls who relish seeing their bodies change. You are fine and valid and discovering whom you really are. ❤

[@Andy_trans_education]

Wow... thanks for sharing that's so inspiring ❤️ It's so great to hear from people who are a few years further along than I am - I've already seen such amazing changes, but - yes - I do need to remember to have patience and to enjoy each revelation as it appears. I hope I see you again. Thank you so much for watching my videos and for taking the time to share your experience - it truely benefits us all 😊

[@marti7343]

@@Andy_trans_education You will see me again for sure. I think your honesty and kindness shine through your videos.

[@Andy_trans_education]

@@marti7343 thank you, you are very kind 😀❤️ Take care!

[@Colaberry1]

You are not selfish. I am glad you realised it in order to start transition. That guilt of blaming ourselves for choosing our own happiness is devastating. I can see you are a beautiful woman inside and out. Well done for sharing some of your story. ❤😊

[@Andy_trans_education]

Thank you for your kind words ❤️

[@misskaralyne]

Thanks for sharing hon. Its been really interesting to hear your story here. I'm currently at about the same stage in HRT here now as you are at the time of the video. I'm a 45 year old Trans woman who's been socially transitioning for the past 3 years but had to wait quite a while on the waiting list to get an appointment at the Gender Clinic. I'm just coming up the 3 months on Estrogen stage now and things are going well already. I totally get what it can be like to be completely ignorant of any gender issue or knowledge of what a Trans person even is back then as you very seldom ever saw an openly Trans woman on TV and when you did, it was usually portrayed in a negative light or the joke. I mean, I didn't even know Trans people actually existed til about 10 years ago. I mean, I knew there was Trans women around and knew that people could even get a sex change. But it was only about 10 years ago that I actually learned about the Chromosomes and the genetic differences. Up til then, I'd generally understood trans women as being Men who wanted to be women. But now I understood that Trans women are already women in the wrong body. This was probably a big part in my life progress to eventually coming out and start transitioning. I think I always wanted to be a woman and felt like a woman since I was 14. But I used to dismiss such thoughts cos i felt like i was just being an under mark male. But at the time, I had no idea that I actually was born that way and feeling the way I did was natural and not just me being a failure as a man. But, having a Homophobic and Transphobic family, I'd keep dismissing any thought's on the matter for the simple reason that I figured that even if I was born with intersexed chromosomes, then there's nothing I could do about it. I could never live as a woman without my family disowning me. So, I'd dismiss the thoughts and carry on trying to live up to the Male Role I was apparently obliged to live up to. But as time went by and i thought about it more and more, I eventually came to realise that I was indeed a TS woman. Eventually, I couldn't do it any longer. My insecurities were so high with the frustration of being unable to live as myself . Eventually, I had to ask myself what was more important? My happiness and Health? Or other peoples problems with who i am? So, about 3 years ago at age 42, I decided to take the bull by the horns and call my parents n told them I was Trans and that I planned on Transitioning I also told me partner at the time as losing her had also become a potential cost of coming out. Of course, she dumped me and my folks never talk to me anymore. But despite that, I still feel so much healthier and happier within myself. I finally got started on hormone patches about 3 months ago I've subscribed so look forward to hearing more of your journey. Much love and best of luck with everything hon. Kara xxx

[@Andy_trans_education]

Hi Kara, Thank you for sharing your story; it's always so amazing hearing more stories about us. There are often lots of similarities, but differences as well. But one thing is often the same - once we understand and accept who we are, we find peace and sometimes even joy and pride. I'm sorry to hear that you've had to cut people out of your life, that really sucks and it's a sad reality that so many of us are forced to choose between our happiness and the comfort of others. I've been thinking about this a bit recently (or a lot over the past year). I came to the conclusion that I need to transition, and like you since doing so I have found that I am more than happy: I am complete. I've been on HRT for 7 months now, and I haven't even had a moment of regret. The main change I've seen is that no longer can I stay awake for hours beating myself up for 'not doing enough', or analysing situations in the past where I 'could have done more'. I don't know where this stage of my journey will take me, but it's been amazing and I have optimism and hope that things will be great. I wish for all the best for you, and I hope to see you around again on my channel! Andy 😊 ❤️

[@roberttaylor2279]

I allways wanted to look like Doris Day. every day crossdresser.

[@miam1074]

I think society forces on us a very narrow interpretation and experience of male - female presentation, which can cause a lot of grief and confusion. I do not understand why you call yourself female. The right term would be transgender. But not female, for sure.

[@Andy_trans_education]

How about “transgender female”? I nearly always refer to myself as such.

[@miam1074]

@@Andy_trans_education when your video popped up in my feed and decided to watch it, I could not tell if you were someone transitioning from male to female or female to male. Transgender is a spectrum somewhere between the 2 poles. Why call yourself female when you are clearly not? You are someone aspiring to be closer to that, but never getting there. Nothing wrong with that. The transition, the being at various distances from the two poles is also a valid state of being....a valid gender, if you like. Somewhere in-between. why buy into the oversimplified interpretation of human sexuality?

[@Andy_trans_education]

@@miam1074 I get what you’re saying and I think your point is certainly worth discussing. I tend to agree that much of human existence falls into a spectrum and we, as a group, arbitrarily assign people into binaries which don’t meaningfully exist. But the reality is at the moment there is no grey middle ground with gender. And besides that doesn’t fit how I define myself in any case. I say that “I am a trans woman” because that’s what I am. It’s true that I am going through transition to get to a point where I can present more female, but where’s the threshold where I’m ‘male’ or ‘female’ in your definition? Who is the arbiter of where that line is? I’d hate for that decision to be left in the hands of a 3rd party who’s decision may not be completely subjective. And what about for those who are not able to transition? Do we ignore their experience because it doesn’t meet that criteria? That seems unfair.

[@miam1074]

@@Andy_trans_education the thing is, it is always left in the hands of a 3rd party. it is our environment - society is the arbiter. and as things stand now, in many cases individuals want to force society to see them as something they are not, in the eye of the beholder. That is why I think it is counterproductive and gets a strong reaction from the public when they feel that they are forced to call red - blue and blue - red. that is contrary to their experience, their sense of reality. Why force it? This kind of expectation or demand will always result in a strong emotional response. You are not female. Never will be based on the norms and expectations of society. I have the impression that you have a very different sense of self to what we would define as masculine. that does not mean that you are female. I hope you have a good team who is willing to ask the difficult questions of you and are not just enablers and people who are lost on their own journey, thus have no useful reference points. With this, I am out of this discussion. Good luck.

[@Andy_trans_education]

Ok, well thanks for the discussion. I wish you well ❤️

[@marti7343]

I think you are describing more about what it means to be trans. Why is anyone trans? Is it their brain, their social experience, their genes etc., etc, etc.? How did they get that way? There has been plenty of research that tries to answer that question At some point, if you are trans, why becomes less important. In my case, I stopped trying to figure it out because I knew I never really could. It did not help I am trans. I have the characteristics of people who are trans. I am AMAB. I am a trans woman. It is me! ☺

[@Andy_trans_education]

Hi thanks for your comment; you're absolutely right - there has been so much research that's been done. I made this video to talk about my experience (or at least some of it; it's impossible to pack 44 years of life into a 20 minute video). I know it's very limited and I could talk about everything else; I may well do so one day, but at the moment I'm enjoying making simple videos. I love your attitude and I am so proud to be a trans woman - any shame and anger I had about this has melted away.

[@marti7343]

@@Andy_trans_education We need the support of one another. Your experience and way of communicating it is so sensible and genuine. Also, I would add mature. Keep it coming.

[@Andy_trans_education]

@@marti7343 thank you. I’ve had a long time to think about this and it feels so empowering to say it out loud to the world. If others watch this and appreciate it too that’s so awesome.

[@marti7343]

@@Andy_trans_education Andy, you are very brave to say it out loud as you do. I am out, but not that brave. Just curious, do you have a female name?

[@Andy_trans_education]

@@marti7343 some might say “foolish”! I suppose I’m not that worried about negative responses - I don’t think I’ll become as close to as big as, say, philosophy tube or Jessie gender (let alone contrapoints!). So I’m not going to face anything on the streets. maybe one or two comments online; but I have so much support in real life I don’t know if that’ll bother me. And ultimately I’m an educator; I want to help people understand who we are better. If me telling my story helps, that’s amazing! If I can help other trans people find their own voice, that’s even better. I know it’s tough out there everywhere and I feel so privileged to be able to be where I am…