Is it my fault that I'm single? | VLOGMAS DAY 11

[@mhmmmx14]

I wish we were taught as young girls not to be so caught up with the idea of love. I think, kind of like beauty, the gravity of it and it’s importance is larger for girls than boys usually. It’s a beautiful thing that can’t be controlled and so why wait each day for it to show up? Because we were taught it’s the end all be all.

[@HelloKatyxo]

So true! It's largely because for years when women had fewer rights, waiting for a man was really all we had to do. Happy we have more freedoms now, but wish it'd be easier to shake the idea that we need love to complete us! Hopefully as time goes on it will become less and less important.

[@creezhan]

this changed my perspective today, thank you for writing this out!!

[@Dania.q]

Very good advice! I want to add to the first one - I had a hard time connecting to men and I was subconsciously only drawn to unavailable men as well, not the ones in a relationship like the first person, but ones who are emotionally unavailable, etc. After years of being in therapy I realized that when it comes to attraction we don’t want what’s good for us necessarily- we want what’s familiar to us. If what we are used to is fighting for attention and constantly feeling like you’re not loved back as a child for example, then you carry those same patterns as an adult, because that’s all you know. After having that realization and knowing it came from my father not being around as a kid it made me more intentional with who I’m attracted to. Now I’m only attracted to men who like me back and are available for a relationship! My advice is please dig deep into your past childhood wounds, because we naturally repeat those same patterns as a subconscious way to fix them or because they’re what’s familiar.

[@HelloKatyxo]

Such amazing advice!

[@gina9517]

No one gives advice like Katy. She's incredible I would buy a book of hers in a heartbeat 💜

[@EmmaEsselink]

I love how you talked about seeing other people's success as your failure - I often feel like I'm never doing enough and always need to be achieving something. I'm always looking at other people's accomplishments and comparing myself, thinking that I should be doing more. Thanks for bringing up this topic!

[@KeepinupwithKenzie]

“Their success is not my failure”. I needed that, especially during COVID, me graduating college, not having a job and all these other pressures. I’ve dealt with personal stuff throughout this year, finding my self-worth, accepting myself, comparison which is rooted in my insecurities and non-existent love life. But this was a great video Katy and I love your advice! It’s definitely needed in my life, keep it up sis❤️!

[@freeasabird18]

I don't know if this will help anyone, but I was thinking about that first question! My partner and I had a super slow burn initially (i.e. I had a lot of reservations and didn't feel a "spark"). I almost broke it off because there weren't any fireworks and I kept finding so many things "wrong" (made up things, not actual red flags lmao). BUT this little tiny voice in my head constantly told me to hang on. And thank god I listened!!! Since then, our relationship has transformed. I've never felt so stable, safe, and loved with anyone. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, it might not be an obvious fit at first. But if there's a little piece of you that wants the relationship, listen. Things just might fall into place.

[@Dania.q]

I describe that “spark” as attraction and infatuation (at least for me), and with my first boyfriend I didn’t feel that spark, but continued dating him thinking maybe that spark will grow since logically we were a great fit, but even after a few months it never grew and I felt like I broke his heart, because he deserved someone that loved every part of him and I just couldn’t do that. I’m glad it worked out for you, but I struggle a lot with this since it’s very rare for me to feel that spark, and don’t think I can date someone without it, because when times get rough and there’s an argument there’s really nothing there to make me want to try or fight for the relationship and I just lose interest in the person. Theres really no point for me writing this I’m just frustrated with my dating life lool, but again I’m happy it worked out for you!!

[@HelloKatyxo]

This is an amazing point! Thanks for sharing Shaylyn :)

[@HelloKatyxo]

@@Dania.q I feel this. It's such a tough line to walk, between giving someone a full chance and then potentially breaking their heart when you decide its not there. So so tricky! Approaches to finding love is not a one-size-fits-all for everyone, as we've all learned. Sending love!! XO

[@morganveller2114]

Listening to you give advice is so therapeutic Katy. You made me feel so much better from all of the negative thoughts and emotions I’ve been facing recently. Thank you for being you 🤍

[@SamElle]

omg literally the title of this vid... SOMETHING I ASK MYSELF ALL THE TIME (also more dear katy episodes pls!!!)

[@anthonyarmata4525]

I am totally in the same boat as you Katy. Having this feeling that we need love is so universal that it is just undeniable to believe that love is the answer. However, love can really be universal if you u focus on yourself because it starts with yourself, you are a different person from other people. And only you can lift your own self up, that special person can only add to that, but at the end of the day, only you are in control and only you can live yourself up so that you can get a quality relationship. If you rush a relationship, then that relationship will probably not be the best quality and can end up being another toxic relationship. And just remember that you are loved, and you are worthy, because love happens to everybody. So you are definitely not alone here. Anyways, I hope this message has reached you well, and you have a happy holidays and all the best for the new year!

[@catarinagleite]

I could honestly listen to you talk for hours! You're so eloquent and so wise, thanks for sharing your wisdom 🥰❤️

[@TheMegazine]

I have been looking forward to this vlog all day yesterday!!

[@weiweizhai2096]

I still think everyone is different. Life is more difficult for some of us, it might be personality, financial status, or something superficial, make someone who has good intention has setback/failures on dating, just people could not understand each other. Love listening to you talk, your artistic talent, your sensitivity, very well done Katy! You speak to my heart

[@jaellelaguerre9102]

This couldn’t have come at a more perfect time

[@zoeycake100]

this couldn’t have come at a better time

[@aliza.beth.]

got so much present-wrapping done as I watched this video

[@jencgross23]

PLEASE do another one of these!!! suggesting this video to literally everyone I know

[@alexmartinez772]

Thank you for getting me through finals, such a positive light in this world! ❤️

[@carlyann565]

“Comparison is the thief of joy” - Theodore Roosevelt Thank you for this video, Katy 🤍

[@riawhy_]

This is such a cool concept! I really enjoyed listening to all of this! :)

[@HelloKatyxo]

I'm so happy to hear this :)

[@caitlinmaeve8871]

“There is still goodness to come.” YES!! Love that.

[@marissajohnson504]

I can’t tell you how much I needed this video. Currently going through a breakup and you just gave amazing advice

[@hannahperkoengel]

love dear katy episodes on youtube! thanks for dedicating full videos to this. Would love to see more of these!

[@AliasDivine]

LOVE the dear katy episodes!

[@Mybougiehippylife]

Love love love that you brought this back! Love hearing your advice and thoughts Katy! Merry Christmas and take care! ❤️

[@kathleenmassaro7337]

I just loveeee this kind of content its legit what every girl is thinking and no one actually admits. I feel like Katy needs to be a relationship specialist or therapist lollll love you girl!

[@venvsian]

this reminded me of your old videos and they always used to make me feel so validated and safe and I missed them sm. thank you for bringing back that feeling of warmth and comfort ♥️

[@nawalaharrass8798]

I used to think the same way about dating I swear ! I was taught that if I put in a lot of effort into something, I'll be successful and I took that mindest with me into dating. I thought the more effort I put into dating, the bigger the chance to find someone (aka success) and that was to me, a clear cut equation. It took me a while before I put it into my head that dating and love is one of those things in life where that doesn't apply. It was a hard pill to swallow for someone who has believed in that equation for so long and I'm still working on it tbh. BUUTTT it feels so good to see that there are people that think/thought the same way as me.

[@cassidyragland8282]

Loooove Dear Katy! Also your make up is ON POINT!

[@chxrlxen]

Loved your vibes in this vide Katy!! So uplifting and it just lifted my mood watching you talk!

[@jillian.jm09]

I’ve been loving watching your vlogmas this year!

[@kathryner1]

For the first question/answer, I think Katy makes great points. I do think that some of the advice is somewhat putting monogamy on a pedestal. Connections of any nature - romantic, platonic, sexual, etc. - should absolutely build you up and feel mutual. Working through feelings of jealousy is also part of many connections and understanding where your boundaries are is so important. While I think Katy sized up the type of connection here accurately, when it comes to providing relationship advice, I would love to see more of identifying the dynamic and making space for non-cis-het-monog relationships! Thanks for the vid, Katy! Makes quarantine more enjoyable!

[@jollylola473]

Hi Katy!!! Your KZbin advice vids like these literally helped me get thru high school. I love them!!

[@norahill597]

So excited for this vlog, loves these types where you just sit down and chat

[@ivanaturnsek3281]

this one is the best so far

[@tali_wren]

I'm sorry if this seems uncalled for but I just feel like I need to touch on this: Tbh, nobody is a "good" christian. As a christian myself, I've come to realize, through my experience and my pastors insight, is that those ugly emotions will still always come up, we are human. And God doesn't expect perfection from us. Just to accept that those feelings exist when they come up, tell him about it, ask for peace or wisdom or whatever you feel you need, etc. God still loves us, even when we have those emotions. Those emotions aren't sinful, only actions taken based on those feelings. And it really helps me personally to realize "okay, this doesn't line up with the Word, I gotta figure out how to change my mindset." Then I apply skills I've learned in therapy and put God at the base of it. It's challenging, but ultimately, for me, it's brought me so much joy because I know I'm getting better. God's love is unconditional.

[@musicmind147]

Loved this, please do more. So nice to watch and listen while doing my makeup 💄 😊

[@carolina.helena]

Great advice, I really liked this format here on KZbin!

[@sparklerush07]

If you do another one of these next week I have a question! How has your transition been from living alone to living with roommates again? I'm thinking about doing the same but I love living alone so much I don't want to mess with that

[@ladana02]

I was wondering which lense you use for your Canon sl2 for your videos.

[@jessicahayes8854]

You should do another Dear Katy, but have your mom, dad or sister on to give advice as well!

[@kathy6937]

This video feels like a warm hug💛

[@HelloKatyxo]

I'm so happy to hear it!

[@karladenzer4819]

I needed this video so much, thank you ! I am still in the first ten but will continue watching immediately after my lecture ends. Though I love your podcast and listen to it religiously, I really needed a video like this one, like in the days, when I first started watching your videos. Thank you, Katy, so much. Lots of Love from Germany :)

[@BronwynAlexandriaa]

YOU’RE A CHRISTIAN???????? I HAD NO IDEA!!! I would love to hear more about your faith! Also, I felt the same thing the day after I turned 25.

[@sammieannie421]

i have been watching your videos since we were in hs (i'm one year younger than you) and it's fun to see you go through different life stages! i admire you for doing what you really want to do. i think it's easy to be stuck in a corporate job if that's what you obtained straight out of college. also i didn't know u had a podcast!!

[@JenLauren]

"ALWAYS ROCK THE BOAT" - katy. 😂😂

[@jailynmenefee480]

anyone know where her phone case is from?

[@michelleordillas6497]

Yes!!! I love these type of long videos from you!!

[@MoonCloudsMagic]

your advice is soo good

[@RememberMex17]

To the first question, I also wanted to add something to the “side piece” part... from another perspective that Katy and the asker didn’t seem to cover. I sympathize with the fact that loving someone who has someone else can be hard, unrequited love IS a bitch for sure, but it’s also entirely unfair to the actual girlfriend who probably had no idea she was splitting her man’s heart with someone else too. It’s not the asker’s fault at all, but just imagine being the girlfriend, and finding out the person you’re supposed to be in a committed relationship with has any feelings for someone else and was leading them on for years. It’s the ultimate betrayal for both women. Be careful in situations like this. It’s not only hurting you and way less than you deserve, but it’s also very much hurting another human being too in a way they probably don’t deserve, and maybe even worse since they have/had an actual relationship and commitment. :(

[@catherinejohnson9702]

You’re glowing!!!

[@natsdreaming4303]

Lol the hinge date thing really made me think of this Netflix film ‘love guaranteed’ 😂🤭

[@thecalli15]

loved this video and hearing what you have to say, sending love from the eastern shore 💕

[@Rinthella]

I think we're fixated so much on romantic love that we miss seeing how much love we already have in our lives from family & friends

[@GabriellePanetti]

Love these sit down videos/ Dear Katys

[@XLali14]

The question about staying friends with a guy you met on a dating app was spot on with what I have going on right now. If I was looking for a sign I guess this was it lol

[@sondrabello4350]

So excited for this Vlog!! 💗

[@randomizationme]

Is this what you talk about during your podcast? Because I must be missing a lot of good stuff!

[@RememberMex17]

Yes, and even less scripted/structured. Her podcast is like listening to a diary entry in the best way

[@theurvimehta]

I’m so excited for this video, and no it’s not your fault ❤️

[@RebeccaABeaudoin]

Love a sit down thrown in

[@gigipc2488]

loved this vlogmas!!

[@heavythinker16]

I'm so happy you're doing more KZbin again :)

[@chavezjesseca14]

Loved this thank you !

[@LindsayMelrose]

Can I please say, I have fallen in ❤ with your channel. I am not in your demographic but I can’t help myself falling in love with all that you say & do. I find it so hard at my age to have these free friendships that are balanced with giving and taking, real raw take me as I am kinda mentality in friendship or business, society or otherwise just so hard. And yet I find myself applauding you young women who are out here forging your own way, celebrating in the best of ways & having these heartfelt talks with your besties ❤❤❤❤ hellllllo Sex and the City Vibes I lost the power woman side of myself somehow in motherhood- I don’t regret it - but finding it again is tricky- I’m rambling I’m sorry 😂I could talk for hrs too lol just keep doing you and what feels good for Katy,… ur beautiful in every way ❤

[@erinobetz3037]

LOVE vids like this! Thx for the advice always

[@katielynch8053]

Yes yes yes

[@Mmellii08]

holy shit that first girls question was literally what i went through

[@808naty]

I’m that person who goes out to eat everyday even tho I have food in my house. Like literally stupid bad habit I have and it’s so hard to stop. Lol

[@xindigochildx]

Girl this is so spot on! I’ve been single for 5 years lol. Starting to think it’s fully my fault that I’m alone. Not that I want to. Ugh

[@olbird7647]

Take it from an older lady....you don't want to be looking back in 20/30 years regretting all the time wasted fretting about something you can't conjur up or settling for a relationship just because you think it's something you should have. Though societal 'norms' tend to make us believe it - single people are most definitely not somehow 'lesser' than those in couples. My longest relationship was 10 years and tbh I don't really know how or even why we lasted that long. Just crack on and enjoy your life- what will be will be 😊

[@xindigochildx]

@@olbird7647 very true! I’ve had true love as well so I consider myself very lucky but 100€% ready to settle down and get married. If possible! Take care and happy holidays 🌸

[@lyricamare6073]

hi Katy. I have been watching your videos for a while now and i really like how they look and just seeing how you live your life. Your a very interesting person and i thank you for that. I was listening to you talk about how you try fill that hole in your heart with so many different things and i just wanted to say i know how you feel. I did the same thing for so many years and I have found a solution, I wanted to share that with you. Its this verse in Matthew (11:28-29) "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." popular

[@Me-fz3yr]

💖

[@ReginaaaASMR]

You give the best advice Katy. 🥺❤️ I’m trying so hard to be happy on my own and not fill a void. How to do that is something I’m still learning. Also, can we talk about how there’s no trader joes in Canada?!?! Rude.

[@xoCHAISExo]

Anyone else wish that Katy was their big sister?

[@madisonelyse6517]

ok unrelated but my ex moved to nyc recently and hes around your age and im lowkey relieved you left because if you went on a hinge date with him im telling you it would have started off great and ended horribly and we do not want that for you hahah

[@SamianHQuazi]

I bet she's gonna end up marrying a Kennedy! Lol could you imagine a date with Katy? HelloKaty: "*sips*... sooo, does your family go yachting in Connecticut or Rhode Island in the summers?" Me: "Uh, well, we get drive-thru at Chick Fil-A!" HelloKaty: "Ohh... *sips*... what's a 'drive thru'?"

[@sammieannie421]

lmao what

[@HelloKatyxo]

HAHA I LOVE DRIVE THRUS WHAT

[@SamianHQuazi]

@@HelloKatyxo Do you guys have Sonic? Those are cool drive-thrus!!!

[@SamianHQuazi]

@@sammieannie421 ​ Just look at her! She'd sent Alfred or Jeeves to get food so she wouldn't have to deal with the peasants!

[@rinsaaaki]

No it’s not your fault that your single hun🥺