Trauma. Transphobia. And the Internet. (why I left for 2.5 years)

[@HeyThere005]

First! ...wait, is that still funny? I have been gone a long time... :P Anyway, hope y'all like this. It is full of some heavier themes throughout, and I simply could not content warning each serious moment, so please heed the warning at the beginning, and if you don't think you are in the headspace to watch - that is totally ok 💞 -Ash

[@lumoonlive]

I still see people saying first in comments so, ig pop off!!!!

[@itslaura2083]

i was going to say no but on this occasion- as you have been off of youtube for the last 2 and a half years- i'll let it slide lmao

[@justme075]

We missed you, much love from GA 🙂

[@Amagick683]

*hugs* I hope you’re doing better now! I missed your videos!

[@elegantdisarray]

Missed you so much, Ash!! 💜

[@Jazza]

Hi Ash! I met you at an artist meet-up at a vidcon a few years back. You were super nice! I guessed you were genderqueer, and hit a point in our conversation when I felt I should ask your preferred pronouns. You were SO NICE about it! And you were the first person I had asked, and worried I was doing something wrong or insensitive. I really appreciated your welcoming response and as a result, watched a bunch of your videos and learned a lot about the perspective of trans and genderqueer people. Years later, one of the people I would come to employ came out to me as trans, and I felt more equipped on how to be supportive. Years later still, this person has moved interstate to work in my studio with a respectful and considerate team. My point is, everything counts, and our brief interaction and the content you'd produced helped me, a cis white dude in Australia, feel more equipped to be supportive and understanding to someone coming out as trans. I had no idea the kind of battles you were dealing with or would come to face, but I'm really grateful for how genuine and open you were when we met, and how your content has helped me think more as an ally, and feel less silly for having questions or asking them. Thanks for your content and kindness - welcome back!!

[@cofeejoe2882]

Ash is truly wonderful, also I'm happy to see you here Jazza. Whenever i learn some one who's content i enjoy is an ally it makes me really happy. It's silly but when you are barraged with so much transphobia and hate you tend forget there's people out there who genuinely are decent and accepting. So thank you for leaving this comment here, like you said every little bit helps, visible support is also it.

[@bugguyonline]

you know about ash too? and thats so awesome jazza!

[@x.pvp.gvtz.x]

I grew up watching jazza and ash, so its really great to see jazza on an ash video. As a trans guy who came out at a very young age and has never had respect on it, even being 18 in less then a week now and being out 6 years, its amazing to see the people you grew up watching, being so supportive. Jazzas the reason im now in art school to become a graphic designer, and im also now living my life full time as a male no matter what anybody says.

[@wokeupnew]

respect jazza

[@huggyprincess]

I'm cis and not once did you ever "convert" me into being trans (how is that even possible). The internet is ridiculous. I have no idea what it feels like to be LGBTQ, but I believe these issues and feelings are valid. Nice having you back

[@emilyscloset2648]

+1

[@OpposingPony]

Exactly! I've watched Ash for years and they've never converted me into anything except hopefully being a better ally.

[@RenaRain]

I don't always fit into the "traditional" female mold and when I was young I was terrified that meant I was actually a boy in a girl's body, because that's not what I wanted. I'm AFAB and I always felt like a girl, but I kept falling into "boy" stereotypes and it made me feel like "not a real girl." In direct contrast to what the transphobes and homophobes like to spew, it has been my trans friends, not other cis people, who have made me feel really comfortable and validated in my gender identity. It's...tragic, and so damaging that so many people see our differences as a threat instead of things that can unify us and make us stronger. It's hateful that many of those people take that fear and become cruel. None of us deserve to be treated that way.

[@danielletilliepoledance]

Same! All they did for me was help me be a better ally. It’s from their videos (and other trans creators) that I’ve gotten so much better at understanding and being more respectful of trans identities. It has helped my friendships so much! My dad is a teacher and came to me to ask questions about how to make a trans student feel more comfortable in his classroom. It’s because of Ash that I was able to discuss what non-binary means, and that student was positively affected. Their influence is far reaching, and it is a net positive.

[@huggyprincess]

@@oxoClareNoxo *They

[@theattemptedartist2308]

Can we talk about how people accused them of having Peter Pan complex because they look and sound young? They drink in pretty much every video and their last video was about wanting to have kids with their spouse. That doesn't seem like someone who doesn't want to leave neverland to me.

[@mrspreminger]

People don’t like Ash because they don’t tear down people and actually are nice in their videos

[@Ariplaygames]

I've been accused of being childish and having somewhat a peter pan complex for something as simple as enjoying fun stuff. Some adults are miserable and they've been told they have to do only boring and serious things to be considered an adult. So when they look at someone being happy with no stupid limits, they get irracionally mad and try their hardest to belittle and antagonize the other person, so they dont feel bad about someone else being happy and them being miserable.

[@lunalee3021]

It's because many girls do hide behind OCs or cartoon-ish self inserts or lgbt identities to avoid responsibility. I don't think drinking really proves they want to be responsible or making social media videos about wanting children... (making a youtube video about it is a bad sign...)

[@gayfrogribbit]

I don't understand why people think so many trans people are "faking it for clout" What clout, HAROLD? Getting hate crimed and having literal laws preventing you from existing?

[@Tree-House69]

For real, I stay offline in the public facing sense for safety since so many end up doxxed, am stealth IRL where I can be for safety reasons, and have trauma built up overtime due to the bigotry making me exceedingly distrusting of most cis people I don't already know are "safe", I have -100 clout for being trans lmao.

[@saskie1339]

Ah yes, the greatest clout, oppression

[@victorthecollector9198]

True like,,,k why would someone sacrifice being able to fucking,,,, take a shit in public bathroom in certain states. Just for. Internet clout??????

[@v1de0gamr23]

Because when people are trained to irrationally hate something or someone, anything that agrees with or justifies that prejudice, no matter how outlandish or contrived, *must* be gospel truth. Pavlov couldn't condition his dogs this well.

[@JalynCommentary]

Omg This, people accuse me of this all the time, Like what clout am i gaining, i actually try to keep it a secret mostly because i dont want to receive hate

[@Pixielocks]

Ok I literally just started the vid but SO HAPPY TO SEE U IN MY SUB BOX 🥺💖🌈

[@CoraMaria]

Me too! Glad to see you excited to be here too, Pixie~!

[@marleythechangling9779]

OMG I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WATCHED ASH!

[@MxPotato84]

Big same!! 💜💜

[@jessicacarron8117]

So much same. Soooo happy

[@TyTurner]

This is so good. Also I gotta try fashion mullet now lmao

[@brianparent4882]

Me too!

[@rutherfordip]

Yesssss you should do it! I got mine back in mid-November and it gives me all the gender.

[@ahhh4117]

Wouldn't that be cannibalism??

[@Victoriaheartsmusic]

Omg KZbin unsubscribed me from Ty. I have a lot to catch up on

[@erincochran1887]

@@Victoriaheartsmusic I didn’t realize it either but the same happened to me too! What the crap KZbin

[@romanelrich6380]

It’s interesting to me the lengths that transphobes think people will go for very little payoff. People don’t get surgery just to wear more comfortable clothes. It’s also how I feel when people accuse me of being trans for attention. You think I went to psychiatrists and got hormones and payed a bunch of money to legally change my name for attention? How dedicated do you think I am to getting a mild amount of attention once in a long while? I’d rather just be left alone anyways.

[@zantasyy]

"her pronouns are they/them" has got to be the stupidest line to ever be in a book

[@caitn7887]

I am unbelievably excited to watch this. Ash, you were a huge part of my coming out journey. I watched your videos almost every night. Over and over again. As a teenager, I lived in an extremely religious, homophobic family. So finding your content allowed me to ease my anxiety. It also showed me that I could have a happy life outside of the religion I was brought up in. Your channel was a literal life saver. I’m now almost 25, I came out and am living with my amazing partner. We have two cats and are adding a puppy to our little family soon. I never imagined when I was younger that I could have this life, but here I am. So thank you. For everything. ♥️

[@AxxLAfriku]

Please stop giving me mean comments. My mother reads the comments I get and she cries a lot because of it. Please be nice, dear ca

[@lolnyny]

Know that I and probably many others are liking this comment because we relate to it. Ash no one made videos like you did and those are what go me through moments of insecurity, dysphoria and hopelessness.

[@ashyeet702]

Ash's channel very much was the same for me and helping me feel better about being LGBT :)

[@bee4123]

I relate to this comment so much! :,) glad ur doing better now

[@sharlainjapan]

Welcome back Ash!!! I’m truly sorry for what you’ve had to go through. I’m so glad you felt comfortable enough to come back to KZbin🥺 We missed you (and your amazing filming/editing/storytelling skills💯) 💖💖💖

[@FlickeringEmber]

You said it all perfectly. Ash always came across as super sure of themself and really genuine, honest and compassionate. It's heartbreaking to find that people have gaslit them to the point they started to doubt themself. Ash has done so much for the LGBTQI+ community and I don't understand how certain factions of the community can be so cruel and exclusionary.

[@4everNaturalBeauty]

Sharla! I didn’t know you watched ash too! Ash was like one of the first creators that helped me realize more about my gender, so it’s cool to see you guys interact!

[@lloroshastar6347]

Oh wow, when world's collide. Good to see you're doing okay Sharla too

[@TheUnplannedLove]

Fuuuuuuuck that bullshit

[@senoritablahblahblah]

​@@nono-yw3tv Cry harder 🤣

[@brizzyvoices]

This is so well fucking made. I regularly, like most humans, play KZbin in the background while doing other shit. Especially long video essays. But I was glued to this?? Thank you so much?? This is so wonderful, obviously I wish you had no reason to make this, but thank you for sharing.

[@HeyThere005]

Ah thanks Brizzy, that means a lot 💕

[@heathercranor5992]

This old cis lady has missed you, dear child. I have learned from you in the past and look forward to continuing that! Welcome back! The world needs to hear your lived experience and unique, sometimes hilarious commentary!

[@saggguy7]

I really want you to understand how instrumental you were in my early journey as a queer person. I found you shortly after I came out as bi. You were the first person to introduce me to the concept of non-binary identity. you were the very first person that started me down my journey of undoing the Christian indoctrination I’d been brought up with. You introduced me to Milo, who introduced me to the content of other trans and non-binary creators that eventually led me to understand that I’m a non-binary trans guy. I am not exaggerating when I say that realization saved my life. I don’t know where I would be without your content. I might still be a bigot. I might sill be living with incredible internalized queerphobia. I might have taken a lot longer to figure out who I really was. I might have never figured it out at all. I’m literally crying as I type this because I mean it with all my heart. Your content changed my life. A transphobic person might say that proves their point, but i’m telling you right now - I can’t describe how much my life has improved, how much depression I’ve been spared, because of content YOU created. thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you know it was not for nothing. I know I am not the only one whose life was seriously impacted in a positive way by your content. Sending love and well wishes for your continued recovery.

[@HeyThere005]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel so honored to have played a positive role in your journey, and I’m happy to hear you were able to find yourself 💕

[@a.6900]

This is really so beautiful it made me cry

[@na-vp1bj]

the video isnt even out yet but, you helped me accept myself as trans despite being raised in a very religious household, sincerely tysm and im sure theres others with similar experiences

[@jlbeeen]

Yes, I've been questioning gender for a while, but Ash, and some of the people linked in the description, helped me realize what non-binary is, and be more comfortable with myself.

[@nyx7842]

Yeah same here.

[@MommaDusk]

I had some other support, but I started watching Ash the same year they stopped making videos. I hadn't even chosen a new name when Ash had left

[@teacuptoe2143]

💕

[@k9coco113]

@@MommaDusk hey! Just real quick note. From the video, it sounds like Ash's pronouns are they/them.

[@DeutschFuerEuch]

Hey Ash! I don't have time to finish watching this right now (will do so later though), but just wanted to let you know that YT suggested it to me and my immediate first reaction was a smile and literally saying out loud "Oh hey honey". I forgot that I missed your stuff and I'm sorry you've had such a rough time because of all this. Glad to see you back, whether that be for longer or just this. I'm excited to keep watching.

[@saldevere9066]

Tickled to see fandoms collide. Good to see you here Katja!

[@alexoffline6577]

You were one of the KZbinrs I watched when I was in middle school figuring out my identity Now I'm about to graduate high school and my entire family and school know I'm trans and gender me correctly (or at least try to), and I'm going to try getting HRT once I have a stable income When I was going through the worst time of my life videos by people like you and Miles McKenna were very comforting and helped me really figure stuff out Thank you

[@phantomblue523]

The imagination of people frightened by their lack of understanding is truly something. As always you're concise, articulate the nuance about what it means to be trans with a unique style, and your videos have a production quality nothing short of artistry. Glad you're back Ash.

[@prronce]

So... let's be real. I think this needs to get on trending to showcase the major issues with transphobia on the platform

[@Tree-House69]

10000000%

[@theneekofficial8829]

though that’d also bring the transphobes to this video which isn’t something we want

[@prronce]

@@theneekofficial8829 that's unfortunately unavoidable

[@theneekofficial8829]

@@prronce For the most part, yes, but it getting on trending would get it more attention than average, which would come with both support and hatred. Who knows which would be more but still.

[@carterjames3894]

i wish i could watch this all the way through, but I'm not in a good space mentally or physically to do so. that being said, I'm really glad that you're doing better and that you're safe.

[@Xeridanus]

I hope you're in a better space now comrade. It's a really good video.

[@squeaktheswan2007]

I've been there too. It's going to be okay.

[@rebekahdiffendarfer4114]

Ash, you taught me what it can mean to be nonbinary. I’m cis, and if anything, the representation you showed me, convicted me of that. The content you put out made me the ally I am now. I know how to treat my trans friends and make them feel accepted because of you. I was even the first person one of,y friends came out to. Thank you so much for the positive impact you have made. We’ve missed you.

[@seraphim108]

Agreed! And I can't imagine how special of a feeling it is to be the first person picked to come out too ❤ such a big leap in one's life. Such a beautiful moment. Shows how much trust you've been givin.

[@user-jh7nq9hx7f]

💛💜🖤

[@skeletoninyourbody9896]

Thank you for being an ally we need

[@ContraPoints]

Welcome back!! 🥛

[@HeyThere005]

Thanks Natalie

[@lukadraws4629]

I’m not the kind of person that goes back to rewatch old videos so watching a new ash video felt almost like reconnecting with an old friend. Obviously I dont know ash irl but there was a definitely a sense of comfort to hearing their voice and watching this style of video. I can’t believe I forgot how great their editing is and I can’t wait to watch all 4tb of content lmao! But it feels really great seeing all sorts of trans and queer people standing up for themselves and speaking against a lot of abuse they faced online. I’m lucky in the sense that I didn’t let myself get swept up by terf and transmedicalist rhetoric, but even though I feel I evaded it fairly well it still did affect me to some degree. But I’m grateful to have started my journey when I did because i was able to go into it in what feels like an era of healing. And it feels even greater to have the privilege to go back to watching the person that helped me out when I first started to question my gender now in what seems to be this new stage of life for the both of us.

[@smolbean9981]

When I started trying to figure out who I was, it was your channel that helped me figure out that I most definitely was not Cis. All of the questions I had about myself, I could find every answer in one of your videos. The content you made helped me a lot in my journey and knowing that all of this was happening to you hurts my heart. You do not deserve any of the things that happened to you and that you want through. Neither do any of the other people that it happened to. Welcome back, let's hope that this time, it will be better for you.

[@Rhonettala187]

I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you've been doing. I'm glad to see you back ☺️❤️

[@arthurmayfieldhowson6272]

I know you're doing so much work on healing yourself by challenging those voices that called you harmful to impressionable young kids. I know so many other people have said what I'm going to say, but I feel like it needs to be said regardless. When I was a kid, I was in a terribly dark place, spiralling around a pit of confusion and guilt and self-doubt. Then I found your videos and you were the only person who had ever told me that what I was feeling was okay. I discovered that I was non-binary because you were the one who explained it so kindly and patiently. I won't say my life is now perfect because of you, because we're all struggling with something or another, but I will say that you made my life so much more bearable. Watching your videos made me feel safe and heard, and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

[@HeyThere005]

Oh, ah, this truly means so much :’)

[@jinjintonic]

It's so good to have you back! All the hate you have recieved is truly horrible and I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. Just know that you have changed so many lives for the better. You made me realize that I am non binary and helped me through very hard times when I didn't know who I was. I will forever be incredibly grateful for all that you have done for me and so many others! Thank you, Ash!

[@iunataspis]

WELCOME BACK !! You've been a long time inspiration and help for me over the years discovering myself and my gender identity as a nonbinary man while growing up on trauma and things I didn't understand. People and influences like Kalvin Garrah really affected a lot of people, and I'm just glad to hear from you again and wish you the best and can't wait to see you around the place again. Take care Ash :)

[@wildwesley9328]

I’m so glad you’re feeling well enough to share your experience. I hope that you know that you have put so much good in the world. I’m so sorry you had to endure this horrific treatment and were gaslit into thinking you were doing harm. You NEVER were. You were the first queer KZbinr I started watching even before I started questioning my sexual orientation and gender identity. You helped me find most of the other queer you tubers that I still follow now. I would probably not know who I am today if it wasn’t for you.

[@doddleoddle]

AT ALL COSTS christ that’s dark

[@doddleoddle]

Ash this is SO GOOD. I await for the next!!! This series is going to be 🔥🔥🔥🖤

[@HeyThere005]

Awww thanks pal! 💕

[@raine3736]

I’m living proof of radicalization. KZbin led me down a rabbit hole that ended with me doubting my own trans identity. You were always an inspiration to me, but the people I followed told me you were an SJW and I was supposed to think people “like you” were crazy and delusional. And I did. And I’m so incredibly sorry. It took years for me to realize I didn’t even agree with the people I watched and it was only hurting me. Thank you for speaking up, you continue to inspire me to do the same. welcome back ❤️

[@HeyThere005]

I appreciate this, and I’m happy you were able to come around to a more positive perspective 💕

[@mtj.cynical]

can i like this video more than once? wow. thank you for healing my soul. 2015-2017 internet traumatized me so bad and it led to me staying closeted for so long.. (still closeted to my family) and just wow. thank you for putting everything into such eloquent words and for just explaining all those unexplainable feelings i had. i’m NB and transmasc and that book has haunted me. thank you for mentioning it and i’m so sorry you were mentioned in it. thank you for this for real.

[@citcat2014]

I'm only part way through the vid but I just wanna say, Ash you actually kinda saved me when I was in highschool ish, and still to this day. I felt so confused and lost in how I felt about gender and sexuality and your videos really gave me a starting point for understanding the things I was already feeling, but couldn't put words to. All my friends were figuring that stuff out, while I just kind of felt broken or like I was missing a piece that I was meant to have in order to be human. I had no clue that asexuality was thing until I saw some of your vids. I was finally able to feel like I was ok and that how I felt didn't mean there was something seriously wrong with me. Thank you.

[@v1de0gamr23]

And just when the world needed them the most, they returned. Welcome back, Ash, it sounds like you've been busy.

[@moajuhlin4619]

I was so happy when your name popped up! And wow what a video… how can someone be so cruel? No one deserves what you’ve been through. You really helped me in an extremely difficult time and I still to this day watch your old videos when I need to hear someone say my thoughts and feelings out loud. I’m really happy that you are back! And that is some great editing!

[@courtkusler]

I have missed you so much. Thank you for coming back to share with us again. I'm sorry so much has gone wrong, but you are such a beacon of hope. Sending all the love and good vibes to you and Gray.

[@valojormakka2904]

Ash seems like the nicest, most well rounded person. It’s absolutely mind boggling how these weirdos get so worked up over their content. It’s crazy

[@keyboarddancers7751]

Ash really is delightfully pretty.

[@MissyGibson]

Yeah you totally did convince cis people they’re trans, like me. Oh wait - I was never cis…

[@tutcarmoon]

You are the first experience I've ever had of the trans community. I discovered you through your ace series and felt so heart warmed by how well represented and understood you made me feel. Following you through your top surgery and trans journey helped me understand the trans community and I've always been open to learning more. All thanks to you. You showed me how much it means to someone to be accepted and understood and so I just want to show the same in return. I am really sorry for the hate you have received, the way you have been disrespected and I promise to be more of an active member in supporting your right to be who you are without question. Thank you for the love you spread on your channel. I'm glad to have you back.

[@blazingroseninja9574]

I resent it every time someone misunderstands and uses the word autism in a bad light. Being trans and being autistic are entirely different things. (In my case I'm non-binary and autistic. It's a coincidence that I'm both of those things.)

[@brennenbeckwith]

I'm so irrevocably proud of you Ash

[@HeyThere005]

Couldn’t have done it without you! 💕

[@foxwoodjones9831]

@John Forge why such intense hate for someone I assume you’ve never met?

[@pacificcoastpiper3949]

@@HeyThere005 I heard about you through watts the safeword, I’m glad I finally found your channel and can check out what kind of stuff you make

[@redsouthers9132]

You and your book are the reason I realized that nonbinary is even a thing and reading your book gave me the terminology to express how I had felt for my whole life. I hate that you have gone through what you have and I hope that you are doing well

[@55SilentShadow]

Yay!!! Ash is back, so good to see you! And so excited to see the rest of the series. I love how thoughtfully this was written and made. And thank you for showing your "dragon troll" such courtesy (not that I would expect anything less from you, but) I think it's important to aknowledge these things. Also thank you for putting so such time and effect into your writing and producing this, it is clearly well reearched and thought out. I'm also so glad to hear your in a better place. I hope you contine to heal and grow. Thank you for being such a positive and strong voice for us all. You are so kind and intellegent and wonderful. Also on a side note, I love your make up it was super cute! I also love how it managed to be both out there and wacky and yet subtle and understated at the same time. True Zen, if ever I saw it. And I have to mention the beer cans, I mean wow! The time and effect that went into this, go you! And the bath scene was pure gold! love, love, love it! Thank you! You inspire me so much. Thank you for being a wonderful human being.

[@ninareginaballerina]

Ash, thank you for all you do. I started watching your videos about 8 years ago and will always remember how validated I felt when I saw your video about spectrums. I remember excitedly plotting my spectrums in the notes section of my phone and sharing it with a close friend. I would have been about 24 years old, and that was a significant moment for me in my journey to self acceptance and feeling like I belonged. You’ve made such a positive difference to so many lives. It’s really confronting seeing some of the transphobic hate that you’ve been bombarded with and I can’t even imagine how awful that must be. I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience that. Thank you for making this video and it’s so great to see you back on KZbin. All power to you. 💕

[@angxlcakes-4549]

hi, im also ash, im transmasculine, and as someone who is still going to school it hurts, especially because some laws are being passed to keep us trans kids unsafe, this video was therapeutic for me, thank you

[@sizquirtt]

ikr its so unfair how us trans people are being dehumanized by restricting everything!

[@moordt]

Sending lots of love, Marieke

[@sortofsollo]

ok so ash, i loved you, then hated you, and when i got out of that screwed up transmedicalist mindset, finding out you hadn’t posted in almost a year was heartbreaking. i was 12 when i found your channel, super curious about the lgbtq+ community, and questioning my identity. you answered so many questions i couldn’t ask any of the adults in my life and made me feel safe and valid. eventually, i became i guess somewhat of a “pick me” queer. i would be like, “yeah, i’m queer, but i’m not THAT kind of queer!! pansexual isn’t real and neither is non-binary, it’s just people looking for attention” when the real person looking for attention was me. i wanted approval from straight people. it was… so messed up, and looking back i feel so horrible. i’m so glad you’re back. over time, i went from a lesbian transmedicalist to a queer genderqueer 18 year-old who’s confident in myself, and honestly, i owe it to you for making me feel okay figuring myself out when i was young. love you ash, and i’m so happy you’re back 💕

[@gordonramsayslambsauce]

@@harrypotter8262 Thinking you have to medically transition or have intense dysphoria in order to be trans is transphobic

[@trol_8889]

@@harrypotter8262 not only that, but the ideology is incredibly euro centric

[@gordonramsayslambsauce]

@@harrypotter8262 It definitely is very eurocentric, especially being gender affirming surgeries aren't available everywhere and the concept of gender being based on sex is pretty eurocentric. It doesn't make sense because not everybody has the desire to change their bodies. I have gender dysphoria, but I don't really want bottom surgery because it's just not something I have the desire to do. I don't need cisgendered people on the internet telling me what makes me trans or not, you know? The important thing is that I know who I am, not people who don't know me or haven't experienced what I have. It's transphobic to try and determine what makes someone trans or invalidate someone's identity as trans because they don't fit your boxed-in ideals of "good" trans people

[@AlannahGardener]

@@gordonramsayslambsauce Genuine question, how can someone be trans without dysphoria? I don't understand how someone can feel like the other gender if they have no dysphoria associated with their birth sex I hope this doesn't come across as rude, I genuinely want to understand

[@sabathecat9492]

@@AlannahGardener cus knowing your gender isn't about what's on the outside, it's about who you are on the inside. and sometimes your body can conflict with who you are, and that'd be gender dysphoria. i have /very/ mild gender dysphoria, if if even is, but i know for a damn well fact that i'm neither a man or a woman. hope that helps

[@TheHelveticanbarbie]

So happy to hear from you but so sorry you've had to endure so much :( wishing you all the best now and always! 💕

[@tenshirei]

Welcome back, it’s really wonderful to see you again and hear your perspective on *gestures vaguely at everything*. Looking forward to the next part of the series!

[@theimplications635]

Oh my god, that lady who was objectifying Ash gave me the chills?? Who was that and where does she get the audacity?? Also ash's "oh um no thanks" was hilarious.

[@trol_8889]

Who are they?? I wanna talk…

[@benburke3015]

Yeah I'm going to need at least three days and 50 separate showers to process that lmao. In what universe is that in anyway appropriate to say to some stranger you've never met before, yet alone immortalise it in a KZbin video for potentially thousands, if not millions, to see?

[@MsSPrescott1]

Oof I know who that is and I think her channel is gone/she left KZbin but I remember watching a video of hers opening up about her being an sa survivor so seeing her objectify ash like that given her own trauma is… yikes

[@theimplications635]

@@MsSPrescott1 who is she though? Or what was her channel name? And I get maybe that's a coping mechanism for her, but when you involve others and use it to insult them it's a different story. Not even mentioning her transphobia.

[@theimplications635]

@@benburke3015 When you don't respect someone in the slightest and are using their humiliation for views.

[@ryn2844]

I entertained the 'trans-trender' thing too in my mind. I know I'm nonbinary, but when so many people tell you that it's fake for so long, at some point it just lodges itself in your brain. I actively avoided that rhetoric, but it was so omnipresent. I think it affected all of us that way. So yeah. You're not alone in that, and you don't have to be ashamed of admitting it.

[@jayzepickle6637]

This is such a well researched and engaging and interesting and informative video! Your production skills are top tier! Thank you for this video, and for discussing your past and trauma, it must be extremely hard. ❤️

[@sageviohl6971]

Hi Ash! I just wanted to say that I've been watching your content since I was still a deeply closeted teenager struggling with internalized homophobia. I'm now a genderqueer polyamorous lesbian about to go into law school to get more involved in queer activism. Following your journey has really helped me figure myself out and I'm glad you felt safe enough to come back and keep telling your story!

[@t-shades7148]

34:33 Something my therapist told me that constantly sticks with me is "Self care is an act of revolution." Sometimes the best way for trans people to make waves is to unapologetically live our best life. You haven't changed shit? Blatantly false. You set a precedent. You showed tons of people that you valued yourself enough to stand up for your needs. Your actions don't have to benefit other people directly to make a difference.

[@annestone6649]

I’m so happy you’re back! You were such an incredibly huge part of my teenaged life, and I’d realized right before you left that when I looked up your name the first option immediately after was always something terrible. It absolutely devastated me, and I in no way blame you for “running away”. Since then I’ve found so much joy in my own life, and I’m exciting to watch this video and see how you are doing in yours.

[@alexx5143]

Ash, just wanted to say your vids helped me a lot when I was questioning. Not that you convinced me of anything, you shared info that I needed to hear at the time and helped me come to my own conclusion over the years. Now that I am out as an enby, I came to check on your channel and you were gone so glad you're posting again!

[@sunebites]

Primary script advisor- Jessie Gender!!!!!!! My QUEEN JESSIE HELPED YOU i'm so glad for this

[@elycanada6051]

You’re ability to break down and explain bigotry and abusive manipulation is truly amazing

[@pacificus66]

Learning about different ways to express my sexual orientation really helped my in self-identifying as gay. If after learning about abrosexuality, asexuality, gender queerness, and gender nonconformity I turned out a cisgendered gay man. I don’t think learning about queerness will lead to anyone “becoming” anything- just finding a label that brings people comfort.

[@Tree-House69]

Exactly, I don't have the same labels as Ash because they didn't "convert" me, education just helped me find the things that already described me with more specificity and educate those who were having trouble finding labels and descriptors that worked.

[@RenEmell]

This was beautifully produced. I'm still watching, but thank you so much for making this. Also, I have only just heard Arthur's voice but ngl I would protect them with my life -- what a sweetheart coming in and giving you a little emotion break just at the right moment :)

[@apinkchameleon]

I believe I started watching trans KZbin around the height of the anti-SJW channels, but luckily for me, I found this channel first and went from there. In particular your ABC's of LGBT videos were really helpful for giving me terms to describe what I was feeling, and though I still find my feelings confusing, they are a lot less so now. I just feel really lucky that you were there to prevent me from going down a potentially dangerous rabbit hole (and educating me in the process), so I'm really grateful to you and all the work you've put into this channel. I'm glad you're back!

[@YTsucks300]

I am so glad you are back and punching transphobia in the face! Also: NONBINARY UNITE! BE THEY DO CRIMES!

[@enderwiggins8248]

Be they do crimes!

[@seronimo__7735]

God, as someone who recently came out and is trying to rid herself of a bunch of internalized transphobia, the part about being gaslit made me tear up. Thank you for breaking out of this spiral, and thank you for helping the rest of us do the same.

[@ShinyLatias01]

I'm really glad that you're back Ash, though I am sorry to hear about everything you are going through. I did see some of this during my time online, but this opened my eyes to so many things going on that I hadn't even realized were going on. I'm glad you're doing alright, and I'm excited to see what's in the rest of the series!!!

[@misa3268]

Firstly, amazing video. It’s always interesting to hear reflection pieces and always eye opening to hear someone speak about these kind of experiences regarding online harassment. Secondly, I was that cringe avatar that was spewing the awful “oh this is sjw bullshit” stuff in this video and I have to say, firstly I no longer agree with ANYTHING I said in that clip/video/timeline of my life and I can’t say I’m sorry enough for speaking so confidently about something that I didn’t understand and helping to contribute towards the targeted harassment against not only you, but other NB creators during that time. I’ve publicly disavowed my old content and have attempted to educate myself and become an ally rather than someone who spreads such hate. My heart dropped hearing my voice in this video and hearing the disgusting way I used to speak. I physically cringe when seeing any of my old videos and recognising how wrong I was. If I still did KZbin, I would make countless videos debunking my old videos. I just wanted to leave a comment and acknowledge that I was wrong, that despite being a small channel at the time, I recognise that my actions contributed to many NB people experiencing this by me not only making these videos, but collating with larger creators to make them, and lastly that I am sorry.

[@amiddend]

You’ve dealt with a lot over the past couple of years and I’m sorry you had to go through that. We all love your videos and you as a person and we are glad to see you back. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤

[@lesley7137]

I’m sorry, Ash. I was one of those people who listened to Kalvin Garrah. I didn’t understand non-binary identities back in the day, and I listen to his (Kalvin’s) opinion to help me inform my own opinion. While I did enjoy watching your informative videos, I also watched his as well. Looking back on his videos, I realized that he was a bully. I’m sorry the words he said that has caused you and many of your friends harm. I know I can’t go back in time to reverse the views I gave him, and I don’t know if you’ll accept this apology as an sincere apology, but I just want to say i’m sorry. While I still don’t 100% non binary people, I now take on the view that as long as their happy, let them be happy. It’s one of the views that allowed me to come out to myself as a lesbian. But this isn’t about me. This is about you and how my previous views about you and other non binary folks have harmed you. And for that, I’m so sorry.

[@kaiyodei]

so you think catgender is legit trans?

[@viviannichols3582]

I don’t think I will ever understand the non-binary concept. But I have non-binary friends. I don’t challenge them on it because at the end of the day, it has NOTHING to do with me. Adults can say or do what they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. I am concerned about kids who are bombarded with this information that probably doesn’t apply to them and whether they’ll get confused and make decisions they’ll regret later. But you know what? I don’t have kids. I don’t own a house (so no property taxes of mine are going to fund public schools). So that has little to nothing to do with me as well.

[@actualgoblin]

@@kaiyodei what?

[@kellevichy]

@@kaiyodei non-binary isn't kin lmfao. please educate yourself.

[@annieoop7651]

@@viviannichols3582 children aren’t bombarded with this information in schools. Gender identity is a lesson or two when the children are deemed old enough to understand and even then it’s very surface level stuff they’re taught. It’s not bombardment when it’s only just being talked about. The transitional period between not talking about this and talking about this may seem like a lot for children but trans and genderqueer folks have been around for centuries, so I think the world is educating adolescents so that they can know how to approach and speak kindly with trans and genderqueer folks. It’s more so teaching tolerance than indoctrinating. Under 0.1% of trans people de-transition so it’s a very small number, and children aren’t allowed access to permanent changes in terms of trans healthcare until they turn 18. Puberty blockers are reversible and cross-sex hormones aren’t given until 18 or after. The most a child could have access to is to change their name, their gender marker, cut their hair, wear different clothes etc, and maybe get puberty blockers. All of these changes are reversible if the child later learns they’re not trans. And even over this age, a full psychological evaluation must be performed to the person by a trained professional before they get access to the more permanent changes like cross-sex hormones and surgeries. A lot of right-wing media has kinda fearmonged people into believing that trans people are somehow causing them to make irreversible changes just be existing and flourishing. This, however, isn’t the case. I know you stated that these aren’t your views specifically, but I’m just leaving this here for any transphobes or TERFs who happen to pass over it.

[@caitlinhenshaw6228]

We should start a drinking game where every time Ash cracks a beer in this - we do too. We'll all be quite drunk by the end of this 8 pt series. (P.s. so glad to have you back Ash! You were missed! 😙)

[@caseyleenb]

Ash, i would like to say that you have more faith in people than i think i could ever have. giving someone an out when they have written, edited, and uploaded almost 6 hours of hateful shit towards you is something i can only have the utmost respect for you doing.

[@izzyizmyname]

Jokes on the transphobes because you didn't convert me to being trans-- that happened during your absence :) anyway, glad you are back and doing better

[@TinaMey]

same with me being NB :D

[@juliansthoughts5641]

What bothers me is when people try to demonize others by saying "they have an agenda." But like, an agenda is just a set of goals for a larger purpose. WE ALL HAVE AGENDAS! What matters is "why" you have that agenda, not that you have an agenda. And of course, if you are going to be devoting so much time to KZbin, you are probably going to try to get money out of it cause you are an adult who has to take care of themself. Like their argument is based only in poor-judgemt, one-sided hatred.

[@Jackieeeisvibing]

10 seconds and I already know this is gonna hit me emotionally you were one of the few KZbinrs who I really looked up to you and taught me a lot and see people harass you in such a way made me so angry and I’m so glad you’re back and hopefully doing better💕

[@striker1918]

You educated me so much. You helped me realize I was trans and come to terms with it, among other things. I will always be grateful for your channel, and I’m glad you’re back :)

[@abbymitchell5948]

I just realized that I came out as trans (to myself) about a week before your last video was released. Since then I've had my final year of College, came out publicly, had a gap year with a few uni courses, and have now started Uni full time.

[@courtneycoffman5157]

Havent seen the video yet but just happy to see ya post. Much love from California :)

[@karabelle617]

Wasn't in the headspace to watch this when it aired, but now that I am... I just want to say your videos helped me deal with a lot of the stress and anxiety from initially coming out.

[@Emiryb101]

Wow I've watched your videos for years and had absolutely no idea this was happening to you. My own ignorance I guess. I wanna say how sorry I am that you had to go through this and still might be now. You are such a pure soul and I can feel how genuine you are even through the screen. The world is so harsh. I am happy and proud that you are directing all of that negativity into a constructive yet entertaining video, like always. I hope it assists in the healing journey for you. I really wish you all the best for the future and I can't wait to watch the next parts! Great job on this video, your editing has always been so impressive! xx 🏳‍🌈💕

[@aryswheel9327]

it’s been so healing to see so many of the KZbinrs who survived the anti sjw and transmed era of KZbin come out and claim their trauma. good on ya

[@sleepybunny186]

The internalized homophobia was strong within me back then , and possibly still to a point now ; though I hope I’m better somewhat now, I just wanted to say, I’m glad your back, and I’m sorry for being a supporter of those who bullied you then, I may not of made my own videos or what have you but supporting those people was just as bad because with no audience they would of just been screaming into a void, we amplified it, and I’m truly sorry

[@SketchingWithSarah]

So completely unrelated to literally anything but your hair looks so soft 😭 Also I appreciate how much work you put into this video! It really shows in the quality and I applaud you for sharing your story 💕

[@kadiechaos6171]

Thank you for this very educational and very emotional video, I can't wait for the next parts! I watched this on Amp from Watts The Safeword's twitch channel and your video and your openess about your experience touched all of us.

[@greentaigo2552]

Love how the reactionary creators tell you to "get thicker skin" or "grow some balls" but simultaneously act like they're absolutely destroyed and exhausted after watching a short video of someone with different views on gender than them. I get that its all an act and exaggerated but it makes them look pretty sad

[@Melathegreat]

I’ve been a follower since you made music videos and video animations with your brother. We are the same age. You helped me be more at peace with my Queerness. It sucks how evil people are to go out of their way to hurt the LGBTQ+. I’m sorry to my LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters who have been targeted for being themselves. Be safe and be yourself unapologetically because they have to get over we exist. 💜🦋🌈🌹

[@fullofpith]

welcome back, I anticipate that this series is gonna be extremely important. Thank you for existing. Watching your journey over the years has been a bunch of sweet little parasocial moments. Holding so much love for you right now 💗

[@nyssalynn5216]

I've been a follower for a few years now, you really helped me find myself and my identity. It broke my lil heart a bit when you left the internet, but I can 100% respect and understand the decision. I'm so happy to see that you're back, you have no idea. You are by far my favourite youtuber

[@003Astrid]

I'm forever baffled by how vile people can be. I've always appreciated your content, and I believe it was key to how I handled my partner coming out as non binary last year. Because I understood on a deeper level than I would have without your content.

[@manhathaway]

Also your editing is TOP tier, best on KZbin hands down. Aaah I missed this, I missed you!

[@HeyThere005]

It takes foreeeeevvvverrrrrrrer, so ty 🥰

[@jazzy_jaymond]

missed you ash! just wanted to say youve helped me in some hard times, genuinely. glad to see you again 💚

[@olil5477]

I came out as nonbinary 4 years ago, was the 1st person in my company to be approved of "both gendered uniforms" and now we have an inclusive uniform policy (no more men's and women's uniform) Because of your content I have found a community of others like myself. Because of your content I feel less shame about living unapologetically me. Because of YOU I don't feel alone. Thank you.

[@jemma_mae_]

Thank you for uploading this.

[@HeyThere005]

💕💙

[@SleeperInTravel]

KEIRA BELL.

[@user-yy5di3qg5u]

@@HeyThere005 And recently some TERF guy made a video about you and his viewers literally called you a cult's devoter in the comments (yeah and it's gross to witness that kind of transphobia). That's bad that most of transgender people constantly face distrust and mockery in their lifetimes (not only in online, but also IRL) simple by the fact that they want live their lifes the way they want to live. But I hope that you will stand for this time and you shan't fell into misery ever again, you deserve better.

[@brandons4060]

Thanks for putting this up. You were the first person that showed me that you could take your transition as you wanted it, that I didn't have to go all in all at once. I remember crying at work when I saw you got top surgery and realizing that it was something I could do. I came out last year as a trans man, at 28. It's been awesome, I'm so grateful for all the educational things you put out there for this over-analyser. Thank you. It's good to see you again.

[@user-wk5yy5dx9k]

Oh, jesus. I remember being on the *other* side of things when Milo was accused of being cringe, and that's the only one of the 4 people you referenced at the start. It's strange to come back to the internet as a baby-trans and see a while load of people I used to make fun of from their side of things. All support to you, be well.

[@sarahthesarah2850]

Greetings y'all. I found the second video first, so I clipped over to watch this one. All this can be really difficult to navigate, especially with the online atmosphere being as stormy as it is. I'm doing. .Weird too. You look great for 29 Ash😮. It is brave to take time for yourself to process things. People can be so ugly to people they disagree with. Being mobbed to be illegal. Thank you for making this.

[@junebugg7195]

I'm My late teen years i tought i was trans (i had a lot of trauma about being a woman) and transmedicalism made the proccess of discovering myself and exploring gender a nightmare. I remember crying and being paralyzed in panic thinking about it and forcing myself to fit the "trans guy" aesthetic. I was so sad and scared

[@tomtom0157]

hope you'll heal from everything and everyone who hurt u ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@Sol-ub7kf]

I don't think you'll ever see this so I'm just going to completely expose myself lol warning: extremely long comment about transphobia I've experienced You mean literally so much to me. Which is crazy because I don't know you personally, at all, and yet you've made this huge impact on my life! I don't remember when I first subscribed to you with my old KZbin account but it was before you came out as trans. At that time I had come out as a lesbian and subsequently...all my friends deserted me and I was completely socially isolated because I became "the weird gay kid." But your videos made me feel okay. Then I realized I was nonbinary and it got so much worse. Suddenly everyone I knew stopped socially isolating me and started openly harassing me! Especially my parents! I was 12 years old and my mom, who was my best friend in the world, was reading to me things like that book "Irreversible Damage" as her reasoning for why I was "brainwashed and gr**med by the transers." I was so so alone. But there you were. And you talked about being trans. And I had seen KZbinrs talk about being trans but it was always "being trans means you were born in the wrong body and you're either a man who was born in the body of a woman or a woman who was born in the body of a man" but I didn't relate to that (I think a lot of other trans people don't either). Sure I had dysphoria, but I didn't feel like my body was "wrong", and I couldn't force myself into the box of woman OR man. But there you were. You made so many videos about allllll the different genders and gender expressions and gender confusion and gender euphoria and I felt so so seen. When everyone in the world rejected me, you were there for me. When I was receiving spammed death threats from Kalvin Garrah fans that blew up my phone with notifications, you were there for me. And when my mom finally said that she was ready to hear "my side" of the "whole trans thing," your book was there. And we bought your book and read it together. And my mom said, "This actually makes a lot of sense." We had many, many long talks after watching your videos. Talks about my gender and how I connect with it and how she can best support my connection with it. She was still against medical transition, but she opened up to binders. She let me socially transition. Because of your book. She finally let me meet other trans people and supported me in my new name and helped me find spaces where I could be trans. She even forced my extremely conservative dad to use my new name and stop misgendering me. Let me reiterate this one more time...this was because of YOU. None of this would've happened without your book and your videos. Because of YOU my mom completely changed from a huge transphobe to supporting my gender identity as best she could. She bought me a nonbinary pride flag dragon pin as a present recently. Because of you. Because your videos made the concept of being transgender accessible to her, even though she was one of the most radicalized transphobes you could find. You gave me love and support when I needed it most. So, once again, I know you won't read this, but if you do I hope you know that you have changed my life in a massive way, for the better. It hurts so much to see people saying you are harming children when I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you. So, once again, you mean so much to me. Thank you

[@abirdonacreek8705]

💗💗

[@AliciaRene]

💗💗

[@hanin_gurl]

this got me in tears. I am so happy for you

[@rebeccasabin480]

I’m so sorry you went thru all this. I am furious that strangers felt they had the right to hurl that abuse at you, a child. I am an old cis woman and a mom myself. As such I am very happy to hear that your mom stepped up, put on her Mom hat and did the work to find out how to help you be happy and healthy. That’s always the goal of any good parent. I’m glad Ash’s work helped you both and wanted you to know that a random mom on that internet is proud of you!

[@MichaelThompson60]

Welcome back; I'm sorry for the persecution you experienced. I for one appreciate your efforts to educate. Stay safe and best wishes.

[@Sanne78]

I'm so happy to see you back

[@QuaseVingativa]

You were one of the first people I've watched talk about non binary identities which was super important 'cause it was back in the day when I was figuring it out I was non binary myself. I'm glad you're back with even more well produced and thoughtful content. You were dearly missed on this hellsite!

[@mylife-23]

This is why I see PragerU ads on LGBT+ content, religious trauma content 🙃 along with progressive political content. KZbin needs to fix things

[@Leelu-dallas]

SO glad you’re back and doing okay! I have thought about you and your partner a lot! Looking forward to the rest of the series! Thank you for making such funny, charming, beautiful, aesthetic, and intelligent as fuck content.

[@aishsk2554]

I am so fkn amped for your return and with such an impressively researched & written series to boot!! holy shit, YT is not ready